Table of Contents

Season 1

Pilot - Good News, Bad News

S1E1 - The Stakeout

S1E2 - The Robbery

S1E3 - Male Unbonding

S1E4 - The Stock Tip

Season 2

S2E1 - The Ex-Girlfriend

S2E2 - The Pony Remark

S2E3 - The Jacket

S2E4 - The Phone Message

S2E5 - The Apartment

S2E6 - The Statue

S2E7 - The Revenge

S2E8 - The Heart Attack

S2E9 - The Deal

S2E10 - The Baby Shower

S2E11 - The Chinese Restaurant

S2E12 - The Busboy

Season 3

S3E1 - The Note

S3E2 - The Truth

S3E3 - The Pen

S3E4 - The Dog

S3E5 - The Library

S3E6 - The Parking Garage

S3E7 - The Cafe

S3E8 - The Tape

S3E9 - The Nose Job

S3E10 - The Stranded

S3E11 - The Alternate Side

S3E12 - The Red Dot

S3E13 - The Subway

S3E14 - The Pez Dispenser

S3E15 - The Suicide

S3E16 - The Fix-Up

S3E17 - The Boyfriend (1)

S3E18 - The Boyfriend (2)

S3E19 - The Limo

S3E20 - The Good Samaritan

S3E21 - The Letter

S3E22 - The Parking Space

S3E23 - The Keys

Season 4

S4E1 - The Trip (1)

S4E2 - The Trip (2)

S4E3 - The Pitch

S4E4 - The Ticket

S4E5 - The Wallet (1)

S4E6 - The Watch (2)

S4E7 - The Bubble Boy

S4E8 - The Cheever Letters

S4E9 - The Opera

S4E10 - The Virgin

S4E11 - The Contest

S4E12 - The Airport

S4E13 - The Pick

S4E14 - The Movie

S4E15 - The Visa

S4E16 - The Shoes

S4E17 - The Outing

S4E18 - The Old Man

S4E19 - The Implant

S4E20 - The Junior Mint

S4E21 - The Smelly Car

S4E22 - The Handicap Spot

S4E23 - The Pilot (1)

S4E24 - The Pilot (2)

Season 5

S5E1 - The Mango

S5E2 - The Puffy Shirt

S5E3 - The Glasses

S5E4 - The Sniffing Accountant

S5E5 - The Bris

S5E6 - The Lip Reader

S5E7 - The Non-Fat Yogurt

S5E8 - The Barber

S5E9 - The Masseuse

S5E10 - The Cigar Store Indian

S5E11 - The Conversion

S5E12 - The Stall

S5E13 - The Dinner Party

S5E14 - The Marine Biologist

S5E15 - The Pie

S5E16 - The Stand-In

S5E17 - The Wife

S5E18&19- The Raincoats

S5E20 - The Fire

S5E21 - The Hamptons

S5E22 - The Opposite

Season 6

S6E1 - The Chaperone

S6E2 - The Big Salad

S6E3 - The Pledge Drive

S6E4 - The Chinese Woman

S6E5 - The Couch

S6E6 - The Gymnast

S6E7 - The Soup

S6E8 - The Mom & Pop Store

S6E9 - The Secretary

S6E10 - The Race

S6E11 - The Switch

S6E12 - The Label Maker

S6E13 - The Scofflaw

S6E14&15 - Highlights of a Hundred (a.k.a. The Clip Show)

S6E16 - The Beard

S6E17 - The Kiss Hello

S6E18 - The Doorman

S6E19 - The Jimmy

S6E20 - The Doodle

S6E21 - The Fusilli Jerry

S6E22 - The Diplomat's Club

S6E23 - The Face Painter

S6E24 - The Understudy

Season 7

S7E1 - The Engagement

S7E2 - The Postponement

S7E3 - The Maestro

S7E4 - The Wink

S7E5 - The Hot Tub

S7E6 - The Soup Nazi

S7E7 - The Secret Code

S7E8 - The Pool Guy

S7E9 - The Sponge

S7E10 - The Gum

S7E11 - The Rye

S7E12 - The Caddy

S7E13 - The Seven

S7E14 - The Cadillac (1)

S7E15 - The Cadillac (2)

S7E16 - The Shower Head

S7E17 - The Doll

S7E18 - The Friars Club (a.k.a. The Gypsies)

S7E19 - The Wig Master

S7E20 - The Calzone

S7E21 - The Bottle Deposit (1)

S7E22 - The Bottle Deposit (2)

S7E23 - The Wait Out

S7E24 - The Invitations

Season 8

S8E1 - The Foundation

S8E2 - The Soul Mate

S8E3 - The Bizarro Jerry

S8E4 - The Little Kicks

S8E5 - The Package

S8E6 - The Fatigues

S8E7 - The Checks

S8E8 - The Chicken Roaster

S8E9 - The Abstinence

S8E10 - The Andrea Doria

S8E11 - The Little Jerry

S8E12 - The Money

S8E13 - The Comeback

S8E14 - The Van Buren Boys

S8E15 - The Susie

S8E16 - The Pothole

S8E17 - The English Patient

S8E18 - The Nap

S8E19 - The Yada Yada

S8E20 - The Millennium

S8E21 - The Muffin Tops

S8E22 - The Summer of George

Season 9

S9E1 - The Butter Shave

S9E2 - The Voice

S9E3 - The Serenity Now

S9E4 - The Blood

S9E5 - The Junk Mail

S9E6 - The Merv Griffin Show

S9E7 - The Slicer

S9E8 - The Betrayal

S9E9 - The Apology

S9E10 - The Strike

S9E11 - The Dealership

S9E12 - The Reverse Peephole (a.k.a. The Man Fur)

S9E13 - The Cartoon

S9E14 - The Strongbox

S9E15 - The Wizard

S9E16 - The Burning

S9E17 - The Bookstore

S9E18 - The Frogger

S9E19 - The Maid

S9E20 - The Puerto Rican Day

S9E21&22 - The Clip Show (a.k.a. The Chronicle)

S9E23 - The Finale (1)

S9E24 - The Finale (2)

Season 1

Pilot - Good News, Bad News

Broadcast date: July 5, 1989

(The series is titled The Seinfeld Chronicles, then re-titled Seinfeld for the rest of the series)

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Art Wolff

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Michael Richards ................. Kessler

Guest Stars:

Lee Garlington ................ Claire

Pamela Brull ..................... Laura

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Do you know what this is all about? Do you know, why we’re here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about “We should go out”? This is what they’re talking about...this whole thing, we’re all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we’re all out! There are people tryin’ to find us, they don’t know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) “Did you ring?, I can’t find him.” “Where did he go?” “He didn’t tell me where he was going”. He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...Then you’re standing around, whatta you do? You go: “We gotta be getting back”. Once you’re out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it’s my feeling, you’ve gotta go.

INT. PETE’S LUNCHEONETTE – DAY

(Jerry and George sit at a table, having coffee.)

JERRY: (pointing at George’s shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. It’s too high! It’s in no-man’s-land. You look like you live with your mother.

GEORGE: Are you through?

JERRY: You do of course try on, when you buy?

GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don’t actually recall considering the buttons.

JERRY: Oh, you don’t recall?

GEORGE: (on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.

JERRY: Well, senator, I’d just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.

(A waitress, Claire, approaches the table. She pours refills Jerry’s coffee.)

CLAIRE: Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza.

(Claire tries to refill George’s coffee, but George blocks her.)

GEORGE: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where’s the orange indicator?

CLAIRE: It’s missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it’s very challenging work.

JERRY: Can you relax, it’s a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.

CLAIRE: Trust me George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

(Claire exits.)

GEORGE: How come you’re not doin’ the second show tomorrow?

JERRY: Well, there’s this uh, woman might be comin’ in.

GEORGE: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?

JERRY: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?

GEORGE: No, you didn’t!

JERRY: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...

GEORGE: Ha.

JERRY: (looks in the creamer) There’s no milk in here, what...

GEORGE: Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?

JERRY: Oh, she’s really great. I mean, she’s got like a real warmth about her and she’s really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.

GEORGE: (smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?

JERRY: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.

GEORGE: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is great!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!

JERRY: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we’ll get together.

GEORGE: (whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, ‘Had to’? ‘Had to’ come in?

JERRY: Yeah, but...

GEORGE: ‘Had to come in’ and ‘maybe we’ll get together’? ‘Had to’ and ‘maybe’?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You’re not gonna see this woman.

JERRY: What, are you serious...why, why did she call?

GEORGE: How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.

JERRY: To be polite? You are insane!

GEORGE: All right, all right, I didn’t want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?

JERRY: Yes!

GEORGE: You’re a back-up, you’re a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!

JERRY: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.

(Claire passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his notepad.)

GEORGE: Claire, Claire, you’re a woman, right?

CLAIRE: What gave it away, George?

GEORGE: Uhm...I’d like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.

JERRY (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know?

GEORGE: (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right?

CLAIE: Uh huh.

GEORGE: She says she ‘has to’ come to New York on business...

JERRY: Oh you are beautiful!

GEORGE: ...and, and ‘maybe’ she’ll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?

CLAIRE: I’d have to say, uuhh, no.

(George shows his note-block to Jerry; it says very largely: NO.)

GEORGE (to Claire) So why did she call?

CLAIRE: To be polite.

GEORGE: To be polite. I rest my case.

JERRY: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you’re talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.

GEORGE: I’m not gonna watch you do laundry.

JERRY: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.

GEORGE: Come on, I’m tired.

CLAIRE: (to Jerry) Don’t worry, I gave him a little caffeine. He’ll perk up.

GEORGE: (panicking) Right, I knew I felt something!

(Claire exits, smiling.)

INT. LAUNDRAMAT - DAY

(Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers.)

GEORGE: Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment I’ve ever experienced.

(George walks away from the dryer. A man passes by.)

JERRY: Well, look at this guy. Look, he’s got everything, he’s got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load.

GEORGE: I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...

JERRY: And you didn’t even hear how she sounded.

GEORGE: What?!

JERRY: Laura.

GEORGE: I can’t believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!

JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?

GEORGE: ‘Cause it’s signals, Jerry, it’s signals! (snapping his fingers) Don’t you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin’ tomorrow night, if you were busy?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn’t make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It’s Saturday night!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: What is that? It’s ridiculous! You don’t even know what hotel she’s staying at, you can’t call her. That’s a signal, Jerry, that’s a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!

JERRY: Maybe you’re right.

GEORGE: Maybe I’m right? Of course I’m right.

JERRY: This is insane. You know, I don’t even know where she’s staying! She, she’s not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.

(George puts his arm around Jerry.)

GEORGE: I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why don’t you just see if it’s dry?

JERRY: No no no, don’t interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it’s doing. Just let it finish.

GEORGE: You’re gonna overdry it.

JERRY: You, you can’t overdry.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Same as you can’t overwet. You see, once something is wet, it’s wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you’re dead, right? Let’s say you drop dead and I shoot you. You’re not gonna die again, you’re already dead. You can’t overdie, you can’t overdry.

GEORGE: (to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?

JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying?

(George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it. The dryer stops working and he closes the lid.)

GEORGE: Look at that. They’re done!

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, peforming.)

JERRY: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...y’know, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it’s dark, there’s bubbles happening, they’re all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, “C’mon babe, let’s go”. You come by, you open up the lid and they’ll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they’re in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, “Tomorrow, the dryer, I’m goin’. You wait here!” The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don’t see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they’re showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry is on the couch, watching TV. The phone rings. He picks up the reciever.)

JERRY: (answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, don’t say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no

(There’s a knock at the door.)

JERRY: (to the door) Yeah?

(Kessler enters.)

KESSLER: Are you up?

JERRY: (to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.

(Jerry hangs up.)

KESSLER: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?

JERRY: (upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, it’s a tape! I taped the game, it’s one o’clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

KESSLER: Hey, I’m sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?

JERRY: Meat? I don’t, I don’t know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?

KESSLER: (from the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that’s what happened!

(He takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it.)

KESSLER: You know, I almost wound up going to that game.

JERRY: (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven’t been out of the building in ten years!

KESSLER: Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, “Do you mind?”) Are you done with this?

JERRY: No.

(Kessler glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table.)

KESSLER: When you’re done, let me know.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.

KESSLER: I thought I wasn’t allowed to be in here this weekend.

JERRY: No, it’s okay now, that, that girl is not comin’. Uh, I misread the whole thing.

KESSLER: You want me to talk to her?

JERRY: I don’t think so.

KESSLER: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.

(Kessler shows with his fingers how close he was.)

JERRY: That close, huh?

KESSLER: You better believe it.

(The phone rings. Jerry picks it up.)

JERRY: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.

KESSLER: Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.

JERRY: (to the phone) No believe me, I’m always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...

KESSLER: (to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!

JERRY: No, it’s, it’s just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, don’t be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, it’s no trouble at all... I’ll see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I don’t believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Jerry and George enter, carrying a heavy mattress.)

JERRY: If my father was moving this he’d had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your end’s got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end’s got to come down.'

GEORGE: You know, I can’t believe you’re bringin’ in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don’t you bring in an extra guy too?

(George takes a seat. Jerry hands him a beer.)

JERRY: Look, it’s a very awkward situation. I don’t wanna be presumptuous.

GEORGE: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?

JERRY: All right, she said she couldn’t find a decent hotel room...

GEORGE: A decent hotel-room...

JERRY: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.

GEORGE: You can’t be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!

JERRY: (cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?

GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine.

(Suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George on the couch.)

GEORGE: Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog...

(Kessler enters and closes the door.)

KESSLER: Hey, he really likes you, George.

GEORGE: Well, that’s flattering.

(The dog heads for the bathroom and starts drinking from the toilet.)

KESSLER: Oh, he’s gettin’ a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?

JERRY: Yeah.

KESSLER: Why even give her an option?

JERRY: This is a person I like, it’s not “How to score on spring break”.

GEORGE: Right, can we go? ‘Cause I’m double-parked, I’m gonna get a ticket.

JERRY: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.

GEORGE: So what? That’s good.

JERRY: Now, how could that be good?

GEORGE: Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin’ around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin’ over, “I’ve gotta tidy up?” Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.

JERRY: This is how you operate?

GEORGE: Yeah, I wish.

JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink.

KESSLER: Why even give her an option for?

(Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door.)

KESSLER: (to George, pointing at the mattress) It’s unbelievable.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KESSLER: How’s the real estate-business?

GEORGE: (feeling awkward) It’s uh, not bad, it’s comin’ along. Why? Did you need something.

KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?

GEORGE: Well, I might be getting into that.

KESSLER: (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted!

GEORGE: I’m aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, let’s go (opens the bathroom door) Let’s go!

(Jerry and the dog come out.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

(Jerry on stage; performing)

JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world...it’s a pressure world, it’s a world of tension, it’s a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, ‘cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don’t know what they need. I know I don’t have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I’m- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we’re all human beings, what is the story? I’ve never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I’ve never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: “I could use a cotton-ball right now.” I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they don’t need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they’re like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They’re huge and two days later, they’re out, they’re gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin’ with them? The only time I ever see ‘em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there’s two or three, that look like they’ve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don’t know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who’s left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I don’t know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. “Let’s move on.” The dating world is a world of pressure. Let’s face it: a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. You know? “Well, Bill, the boss thinks you’re the man for the position, why don’t you strip down and meet some of the people you’ll be workin’ with?”

INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT

(Jerry and George are waiting for Laura.)

JERRY: Wouldn’t it be great if you could ask a woman what she’s thinking?

GEORGE: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she’s thinkin’.

JERRY: You know, instead, I’m like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.

GEORGE: Listen, listen, don’t get worked up, ‘cause you’re gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.

JERRY: Really? How?

GEORGE: ‘Cause it’s all in the greeting.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that’s a good sign.

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

JERRY: Lip area.

GEORGE: You know a hug: definitely good.

JERRY: Hug is definitely good.

GEORGE: Sure.

JERRY: Although what if it’s one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

GEORGE: That’s so brutal, I hate that.

JERRY: You know how they do that?

GEORGE: That’s why, you know, a shake is bad.

JERRY: Shake is bad, but what if it’s the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

GEORGE: Hand sandwich.

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: I see, well, that’s open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.

(A woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry’s eyes.)

LAURA: Guess who?

JERRY: Hey, hey.

LAURA & JERRY: Heeeey!

(They take each others hands and shake them around. George is looking puzzled.)

JERRY: It’s good to see you.

LAURA: Hi.

JERRY: This is my friend George.

LAURA: Hi, how nice to meet you.

GEORGE: Hi, how are you?

JERRY: This is Laura.

GEORGE: Laura, sure.

JERRY: (to Laura) I can’t believe you’re here.

GEORGE & JERRY: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure.

(They pick up the bags.)

LAURA: Oh, thank you.

JERRY: (aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?

GEORGE: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn’t in the manual, I don’t know.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Jerry is in the midst of showing Laura the apartment.)

JERRY: So uh, what do you think?

LAURA: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn’t so bad.

JERRY: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?

LAURA: (laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, I think I do.

LAURA: (referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?

JERRY: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.

(She turns down the lamp.)

LAURA: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible – and if it’s not, fine – for me to stay here tomorrow night too?

(Jerry takes off his shoes to make himself comfortable)

JERRY: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don’t you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin’ anything?

LAURA: No, I’d love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I’m right open.

JERRY: Really? What would you like to do?

LAURA: Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but I’d just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.

JERRY: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) I’m just, I’m really glad you’re here.

(The phone rings; he picks it up.)

JERRY: (answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, it’s for you.

LAURA: (to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, I’m gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it’s fine... No, we’re goin’ on a boat ride... Don’t be silly... I’m not gonna have this conversation... Look, I’ll call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.

JERRY: (not excited) You’re engaged?

LAURA: You, you really have no idea what it’s like until you actually do it. And I’m on this emotional roller coaster.

JERRY: You’re engaged?

LAURA: You know, I can’t believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of “we”. Ugh, it’s a very stressful situation.

JERRY: (matter-of-factly) You’re engaged.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, he’s a great guy...

JERRY: Yeah.

LAURA: You’d really like him, you know, I can’t wait to get on that boat.

JERRY: Me too!

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don’t get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, I’m not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they’re so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that’s it! It’s the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don’t know ‘bout that, we don’t know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! “I don’t think she likes me.” The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don’t we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That’s why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: “Where to meet men?” We’re here, we are everywhere. We’re honking our horns to serve you better.

The End

S1E1 - The Stakeout

Broadcast date: May 31, 1990

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lynn Clark .......................... Vanessa

Phil Bruns ............................ Morty Seinfeld

Liz Sheridan ........................ Helen Seinfeld

Maud Winchester ............... Pamela

William Fair ........................ Roger

Ron Steelman ..................... Artie Levine

Joe George .......................... Uncle Mac

Ellen Gerstein ..................... Carol

Janet Rotblatt ..................... Woman

rc: Helen

NOTE: When this episode is shown in syndication, Phil Bruns still plays Jerry's dad (a role later assumed by Barney Martin).

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: So, I’m on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the...

(He pauses and gestures to audience for response.)

AUDIENCE: Cheque.

JERRY: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it’s a woman in front of you that’s writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, y’know, ‘cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don’t know where that is, but the cheque book: they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster: (Jerry “draws” imaginary book from a holster.) “Who do I make it out to? There’s my ID.” There’s something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don’t know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, “I don’t have any money, but if you’ll contact these people, I’m sure they’ll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I don’t have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?”

INT. VIDEO STORE – NIGHT

(Jerry and Elaine are picking out a movie for the night.)

JERRY: What’s that one?

ELAINE: “Coccoon II: The Return”. I guess they didn’t like it up there.

JERRY: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y’know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she’s probably screamin’ at those aliens, “I gotta have a lo mein!”

ELAINE: Okay, what’re we doing here? I have seen everything.

JERRY: Oh yeah? I don’t believe you’ve seen... this.

(Jerry shows Elaine a movie from the Adult section.)

ELAINE: Oh, lovely.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: What do you think their parents think?

JERRY: “So, uh, what’s your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?” “Oh, he’s a public fornicator. Yes, he’s a fine boy...”

ELAINE: Y’know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela’s birthday.

JERRY: Pamela? Do I know her?

ELAINE: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

JERRY: Oh yeah, right...

ELAINE: You have no idea who I’m talking about, do you?

JERRY: (quickly) No.

ELAINE: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

JERRY: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.

ELAINE: Right! In fact... No, never mind...

JERRY: Well, what is it?

ELAINE: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you don’t want to go to... that... no.

JERRY: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.

ELAINE: What little deal?

JERRY: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.

ELAINE: A wedding? Have you lost it, man?

JERRY: Y’know, my parents are coming in for this...

ELAINE: They’re coming in?

JERRY: Yeah, tomorrow.

ELAINE: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

JERRY: No, no. Still doin’ the big sweep across.

ELAINE: Why does he do that?

JERRY: Doesn’t think anyone can tell. So c’mon, do we have a deal?

ELAINE: A wedding?

JERRY: There’s a lot of people to mock...

ELAINE: All right, what the hell.

JERRY: Great!

WOMAN: When you’re dead, you’re dead. That’s it. You’re not goin’ anywhere...

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(Elaine and Jerry enter.)

ELAINE: C’mon lets go...

JERRY: Was I supposed to bring something?

ELAINE: You could have.

JERRY: I met her one time...

ELAINE: It is not necessary.

JERRY: What did you say then?

ELAINE: Sssshhhhhh!!!

PAMELA: Hi

ELAINE: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.

PAMELA: (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met.

JERRY: Hi, happy birthday.

PAMELA: Thanks, ah, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.

GUESTS, JERRY & ELAINE: Hi

JERRY: I didn’t bring anything.

PAMELA: Uh, I put you two right here.

JERRY: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to bring, nobody told me.

(Jerry and Elaine sit next to each other at a table. Across from Jerry is a strikingly beautiful woman, Vanessa. The piano is playing awful dinner music.)

VANESSA: How big a tip do you think it’d take to get him to stop?

JERRY: I’m in for five...

VANESSA: I’ll supply the hat.

JERRY: (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here?

VANESSA: Why don’t you relax and take your jacket off?

JERRY: Oh, I can’t. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly.

VANESSA: How masculine.

JERRY: Plus I’m wearing short sleeves, I don’t want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) She’s unbelievable!

(The guy beside Vanessa interrupts.)

ROGER: (to Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker.

VANESSA: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?

JERRY: (thinking) What’s going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she’s too good to be alone. What’s the difference, I can’t maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me.

VANESSA: (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela?

JERRY: Uh, friend of a friend. And you?

VANESSA: We went to law school together.

ELAINE: (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry!

JERRY: (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now.

ELAINE: I had this dream last night and you were in it.

JERRY: Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this.

ELAINE: You were you, but, you weren’t you...

JERRY: No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!

ELAINE: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window...

JERRY: (thinking) This is brutal.

ELAINE: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.

JERRY: How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can’t, I can’t. I’m stuck.

ELAINE: (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me?

JERRY: Yes, I heard you.

PAMELA: Elaine, what’s the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?

JERRY: (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you’re a lawyer...

VANESSA: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

JERRY: (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit.

VANESSA: Oh, that was you?

JERRY: Imagine, spelling “Mom” with two O’s.

VANESSA: Very funny! What do you do?

JERRY: Comedian.

VANESSA: Really? That explains it.

JERRY: (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

ROGER: Are you ready?

VANESSA: We gotta run. Happy birthday!

(Vanessa and Roger get up an leave. Jerry panics.)

JERRY: (thinking) I can’t believe it. I got nothing! I don’t even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...

(A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration.)

INT. TAXICAB – NIGHT

(On the ride home from the party. Jerry and Elaine sit in the back seat.)

JERRY: That wasn’t so bad, really.

ELAINE: Y’know, um, you could use a little work on your manners.

JERRY: Why? What did I do?

ELAINE: Wel-Well, I just don’t appreciate these little courtesy responses, like I’m selling you aluminum siding.

JERRY: I was listening!

ELAINE: No! You couldn’t wait to get back to your little... “conversation”.

JERRY: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.

ELAINE: Uh-huh...

JERRY: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.

ELAINE: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didn’t have wooden teeth, you did!

JERRY: All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what?

ELAINE: So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, “Yeah, I got this new thing: Platonic. My idea, my name, callin’ it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- don’t do anything, and go right home. What’d you think? I think it’s going to be big!” I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn’t work. Y’know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, “Uh, Hi, uh my name’s Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it’s a Riconic relationship.”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Jerry’s parents, Helen and Morty, are sitting on a pullout couch. Jerry enters.)

JERRY: Hey!

MORTY: Ah, there he is!

JERRY: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!

HELEN: Y’know, Jerry, we don’t have to do this.

JERRY: What are you talkin’ about? It’s fine, I love having you here.

HELEN: Tomorrow we’ll go to a hotel.

JERRY: Ma, will you stop?

HELEN: No, why should we take over your apartment?

JERRY: I don’t care. I’m sleeping next door.

HELEN: Your friend Kramer doesn’t mind?

JERRY: No, he’s making a bouillabaisse.

JERRY: So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?

MORTY: Depends on the firm.

JERRY: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?

MORTY: What’s the matter? You need a lawyer?

JERRY: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don’t know her name.

MORTY: So why don’t you ask someone who was at the party?

JERRY: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can’t ask her.

HELEN: Why not?

JERRY: Because it’s complicated. There’s some tension there.

HELEN: He used to go with her.

HELEN: Which one is she?

MORTY: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didn’t like.

HELEN: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.

JERRY: Oh yeah, she’s great.

HELEN: So, how come nothing materialized there?

JERRY: Well, it’s a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno...

HELEN: I know what it was.

JERRY: You don’t know what it was.

HELEN: So, what was it?

JERRY: Well, we fight a lot for some reason.

HELEN & MORTY: Oh, well...

JERRY: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.

(His parents don’t know how to respond.)

HELEN: Well, I think she’s a very attractive girl.

JERRY: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.

HELEN: I can see if there was a weight problem...

JERRY: No, it’s not that. It wasn’t all one-sided.

HELEN: You know, you can’t be so particular. Nobody’s perfect.

JERRY: I know, I know...

MORTY: Y’know Jerry, it’s a good thing I wasn’t so particular.

HELEN: (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So who’re you looking for, Sophia Loren?

JERRY: That’s got nothin’ to do with it.

MORTY: How about Loni Anderson?

HELEN: Where do you get Loni Anderson?

MORTY: Why, what’s wrong with Loni Anderson?

HELEN: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.

JERRY: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn’t the one.

HELEN: And this other one’s the one?

JERRY: I dunno, maybe...

MORTY: So ask Elaine there for her number.

JERRY: I can’t. She’ll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight.

HELEN: How could you still see her if your not interested?

JERRY: We’re friends.

MORTY: Doesn’t sound like you’re friends to me. If you were friends you'd-you’d ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?

JERRY: Oh yeah.

MORTY: Well, go up to the office.

HELEN: Up to her office?

MORTY: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn’t she?

JERRY: I guess.

MORTY: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.

JERRY: You mean stakeout the lobby?

HELEN: Morty, that’s ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!

MORTY: He doesn’t want to ask Elaine for the number.

HELEN: So you’ve got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her?

MORTY: He pretends he bumped into her!

JERRY: Y’know what? This is not that bad an idea.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY

(Jerry and George are staking out Vanessa.)

GEORGE: What does she look like?

JERRY: I dunno. Hard to say.

GEORGE: What actress does she remind you of?

JERRY: Loni Anderson.

GEORGE: Loni Anderson?!

JERRY: What, there’s something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.

GEORGE: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles)

JERRY: I’m a little nervous.

GEORGE: Yeah, me too...

JERRY: If I see her, what do I say that I’m doing here in the building?

GEORGE: You came to see me. I work in the building.

JERRY: What do you do?

GEORGE: I’m an architect.

JERRY: You’re an architect?

GEORGE: I’m not?

JERRY: I don’t see architecture comin from you.

GEORGE: (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect.

JERRY: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin’ else.

GEORGE: All right, she’s not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote.

JERRY: Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?

GEORGE: We’re having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.

JERRY: What is his name?

GEORGE: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.

JERRY: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.

GEORGE: No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor.....

JERRY: Art Cor...

GEORGE: ...velay.

JERRY: Corvelay?

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: Well, what does he do?

GEORGE: He’s an importer.

JERRY: Just imports, no exports?

GEORGE: (annoyed) He’s an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back?

JERRY: No, I guess she’s still mad.

GEORGE: I don’t understand, you never talk to her about other women?

JERRY: Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That’s her. On the right.

GEORGE: (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?!

JERRY: You’re you. We’re having lunch with Art Corvelay.

GEORGE: Vandelay!

JERRY: Corvelay!

GEORGE: Let me be the architect! I can do it!

(Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.)

JERRY: Hey, hey. uh Pamela’s birthday party, didn’t I see you there? Jerry.

VANESSA: Sure! Hi!

JERRY: Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) I’m sorry...

VANESSA: Vanessa.

GEORGE: Nice to meet you.

JERRY: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

VANESSA: That’s right! Yea, what’re you doing here?

JERRY: Oh, we’re meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.

GEORGE: Yeah, Art Vandelay.

VANESSA: Really? Which company?

JERRY & George: (turning to each other) I don’t know. He’s an importer.

VANESSA: Importer?

GEORGE: ...And exporter.

JERRY: He’s an importer/exporter.

GEORGE: (clears his throat) I’m, uh, I’m an architect.

VANESSA: Really. What do you design?

GEORGE: Uh, railroads, uh...

VANESSA: I thought engineers do that.

GEORGE: They can...

JERRY: Y’know I’m sorry you had to leave so early the other night.

VANESSA: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.

JERRY: Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave)

VANESSA: Yeah, and that woman was your...

JERRY: Friend!

GEORGE: I’ll just, uh, get a paper...

JERRY: So, um, do you date uh immature men?

VANESSA: Almost exclusively...

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Helen and Jerry are in the middle of a game of Scrabble. Morty sits on the couch. Helen sings to herself while she tries to form a word.)

HELEN: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...

JERRY: (annoyed) Ma, will you go already?

HELEN: Bum bum bum bum...

(She picks up a nearby dictionary.)

JERRY: What are you doing?!

HELEN: Wait, I just want to see something.

JERRY: You can’t look in there, we’re playing!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

MORTY: (cleaning his shoes) Good evening, Mr. Kramer!

KRAMER: Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing?

JERRY: Look.

HELEN: “Quo”. Is that a word?

JERRY: Maybe!

HELEN: Will you challenge it?

JERRY: Ma, you can’t look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, she’s cheating!

KRAMER: “Quo”? That’s not a word.

HELEN: (to Jerry) You’re such a stickler...

JERRY: Well put something down, you’re taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they’re all coming over here before the wedding?

HELEN: They’ll be here at two o’clock. Oh, Elaine called. She said she’d be here at two-thirty. And she says “Hope your meeting went well with ‘Art Vandelay’?”

JERRY: She said what?

HELEN: Just what I said, here.

(She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.)

JERRY: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass.

HELEN: She knows what?

JERRY: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator...

(Kramer arranges Mrs. Seinfeld’s tiles, offering her a word.)

HELEN: No, no, no, that won’t do. He may have a “Z”.

MORTY: So, how did she find out?

JERRY: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine.

(While they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry’s tiles to confirm that Jerry doesn’t have a “Z”. This goes unnoticed by Jerry, who continues to talk with Morty.)

MORTY: So, what are you? Afraid of her?

JERRY: Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone?

HELEN: Whatever I wrote down.

JERRY: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?

HELEN: Who am I, Rich Little?

MORTY: Well, she can’t be too mad. She’s still coming to the wedding.

JERRY: Yeah, but now I’m nervous.

HELEN: Oh, stop it.

(She makes her move and tallies the points.)

JERRY: “Quone”?

HELEN: ...30...31...

JERRY: “Quone”? No, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to challenge that.

(Jerry picks up the dictionary.)

HELEN: ...32...

KRAMER: No, you don’t have to challenge that. That’s a word. That’s a definite word.

JERRY: I am challenging.

KRAMER: Quone. To quone something.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

(Jerry looks up the word.)

HELEN: I’m not playing with you anymore.

MORTY: Quone’s not a word.

JERRY: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.

HELEN: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?

KRAMER: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT-NEXT DAY

(A few people mingling about, waiting to go to the wedding. [SeinPurgatory] Jerry is talking to Carol.)

CAROL: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that’s a sitcom!

JERRY: You must have quite a time down there.

(Jerry checks his watch.)

CAROL: We got plenty of time.

JERRY: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just waiting for someone.

UNCLE MAC: Watch what you say to this guy. He’ll put it in his next act!

(Carol and Uncle Mac laugh)

JERRY: Yeah, yeah...

UNCLE MAC: Jerry, did I tell you that I’m writing a book? An autobiography.

JERRY: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it.

UNCLE MAC: It’s based on all my experiences!

JERRY: That’s perfect.

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY: Could you excuse me one second? I’m sorry.

(Jerry goes over and greets Elaine.)

JERRY: How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld.

ELAINE: Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.

(Awkward sighs from Jerry and Elaine)

JERRY: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?

ELAINE: Oh no, let’s do it now.

JERRY: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-

ELAINE: Okay.

ARTIE: Jerry, were you goin’ with us?

JERRY: No, I’m gonna take my car.

ARTIE: That’s why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon?

JERRY: Anyway, you know why I didn’t ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.

ELAINE: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle.

CAROL: Jerry, we’ll see you there. Bye, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, bye. Good to see you.

ARTIE: Oh, we didn’t meet.

JERRY: Oh, I’m sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine.

(Jerry pronounces the name ‘le-VEEN’.)

ARTIE: (correcting Jerry) Levine.

(Artie pronounces it with a long “I”. Artie exits.)

JERRY: (sarcastically) Yeah, “Levine”. And I’m Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here.

ELAINE: Yeah, obviously.

JERRY: I mean, if we’re gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.

ELAINE: Couldn’t agree more.

JERRY: Good.

ELAINE: Good.

JERRY: Good.

ELAINE: Great!

JERRY: Great? Where do you get ‘great’?

ELAINE: It’s great to... talk about... other people...

JERRY: ...Guys?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific?

ELAINE: No. A general guy.

JERRY: Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes...

ELAINE: What? No, it’s not a big deal.

JERRY: No, that’s great! That’s terrific!

ELAINE: No, we just met...

JERRY: Doesn’t matter. What’s the young man’s name? I would like to meet him.

ELAINE: Hmmm, I don’t think so.

JERRY: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?

ELAINE: Wall street.

JERRY: Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Conneticut.

ELAINE: And he happens to be pretty good lookin’.

JERRY: (pause) All right, sir.

ELAINE: And... he’s hilarious.

JERRY: Now that’s not fair! So where did you meet this guy?

ELAINE: I staked out his health club.

JERRY: Uh huh. When you’re on a stakeout, do you find it’s better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?

(They leave his apartment)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

Jerry is on stage, performing.

JERRY: Y’know I think that even if you’ve had a relationship with someone, or let’s say, especially if you’ve had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it’s very difficult. Isn’t this? It’s hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It’s like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, “Look, a rabbit.” The other goes, “So? I believe this is your card.” “Look, why don’t we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?”

The End

S1E2 - The Robbery

Broadcast date: June 7, 1990

Written By Matt Goldman

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anita Wise ............................ Waitress

James F. Dean ...................... Larry

Kimberley Kates ................. Diane

Bradford English ................. Cop

David Blackwood ............... Man #1

George Simms..................... Man #2

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It’s a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I’m supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn’t you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. ‘Cause it’s not easy to give someone the toe, you’ve gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) “Look at that toe, buddy.” (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that’s really insulting to get the toe, isn’t it?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry is packing a suitcase. Elaine is sitting at the table, watching him.)

JERRY: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (Jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) That’s it. Done!

ELAINE: (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.

JERRY: (proudly) I am...the master packer.

ELAINE: (laughs) Yeah, right, you’re the master packer.

JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) You’ve gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

ELAINE: (raising her hand) ‘Scuse me, master packer...

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.

JERRY: All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George?

GEORGE: (from the intercom) Yeah.

(Jerry presses the second button, and opens the apartment door.)

ELAINE: Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.

ELAINE: Okay, this is quite a place.

JERRY: There’s more. The refrigerator.

(Jerry opens the fridge.)

JERRY: Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (He closes the fridge.) And I cannot overstate this: No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?

ELAINE: I’ll eat out.

JERRY: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Ready?

JERRY: Yeah, one sec.

(George closes the door.)

GEORGE: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?

ELAINE: No, I’m staying here for the weekend. I’m getting a break from my roommate.

GEORGE: Oh, the actress-waitress?

ELAINE: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner theater production of “A Chorus Line”. So, now all day long she’s walking around the apartment singing, “God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!” She’s gonna get it right in her...

GEORGE: So just kick her out.

ELAINE: She’s on the lease! George you have got to find another place for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.

JERRY: I’m not looking.

GEORGE: No no no, this one’s different. This one’s a beauty!

JERRY: Yeah, what’s it like?

GEORGE: I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s a two-bedroom, it’s on the uh, west 83rd, ‘bout a half block from the park?

JERRY: How much?

GEORGE: Uh, twice what you’re payin’ here, but it’s a great building. It’s two bedrooms!

JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerry’s back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that.

ELAINE: You oughta at least take a look at it.

JERRY: Really? Why?

ELAINE: ‘Cause then I could move in here.

JERRY: Ohhhh...

ELAINE: It’s time you got outta here anyway.

GEORGE: Yeah, tell ‘im. But quickly, I’m double parked here.

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you can’t have soft cheese...

GEORGE: Let’s not forget the radiator. The steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off.

ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you’re doin’ okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn’t have to live like this.

JERRY: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.

ELAINE: Well, for me it’s a step up. It’s like moving from Iceland to Finland.

GEORGE: Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not?

JERRY: I can’t think about it now. Come on, I’m going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry enters his apartment with his bags.)

JERRY: Elaine. (Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies. The TV is not there. He continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the TV.) ELAINE!

ELAINE: (from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?

JERRY: Great, I had fun. Where’s the TV, where’s the VCR?

(Elaine has a guilty look on her face.)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: They were stolen.

JERRY: Stolen? When?

ELAINE: A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over.

JERRY: Stolen?

(Kramer enters the apartment.)

ELAINE: (looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open.

(Elaine enters the bathroom.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) You left the door open?!

KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin’ and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, ‘cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!

JERRY: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?

KRAMER: (guiltily) The door.

JERRY: The door? You left the door open?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

JERRY: Yeah, and?

KRAMER: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. “The Bold And The Beautiful”.

JERRY: So the door was wide open?

KRAMER: Wide open!

(Elaine enters the living room.)

JERRY: (to Elaine) And where were you?

ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale’s... waiting for the shower to heat up.

KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I’m sorry, I’m uh- you have insurance, right buddy?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: (shocked) How can you not have insurance?

JERRY: Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. It’s the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!!

KRAMER: Jerry! I’m gonna find your stuff. I’m gonna solve it, I’m on the case, buddy, I’m on the case.

JERRY: Yeah, don’t investigate, don’t pay me back, it was an accident.

KRAMER: (theatrical) I made a mistake.

ELAINE: These things happen.

KRAMER: I’m human.

JERRY: In your way.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(A policeman is filling out a report. Jerry and Elaine are there.)

POLICEMAN: Let’s see, that’s, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that ‘bout it?

ELAINE: Answering machine.

JERRY: (disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.

POLICEMAN: What do you mean?

JERRY: It’s a joke.

POLICEMAN: I see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we’ll look into it and uh, we’ll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.

JERRY: You ever find anything?

POLICEMAN: No.

(Policeman hands Jerry his copy of the report.)

JERRY: Well, thanks anyway.

POLICEMAN: You bet.

(Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters.)

ELAINE: I didn’t get that joke either.

JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren’t for him. He’s the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?

(George slaps his right hand on his left elbow, and vice versa, acting like a genie.)

GEORGE : I walked in, your lobby door is broken again.

JERRY: Again?

GEORGE: I don’t know how you put up with this.

ELAINE: Yeah, tell ‘im George.

JERRY: (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?

ELAINE: Yes! You don’t understand. I’m living with Ethel Merman without the talent.

JERRY: (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available?

(George shows him the keys.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it’s very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, “Call the police. You really should call the police.” So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, “Yeah, I’m calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... I’m gonna see some real action.” Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out: The Report. They give you: Your Copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don’t really think we’re gonna crack this case, do you? It’s not like Batman, where there’s three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. “Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, he’s dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he’s a PENGUIN!

INT. THE APARTMENT ON 83RD STREET – DAY

(George, Elaine and Jerry are entering the apartment.)

ELAINE: Oh, well, come on. This is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live. Oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work?

(Elaine takes a closer look at the fireplace.)

GEORGE: I didn’t know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible.

JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?

ELAINE: They deliver it.

JERRY: They deliver wood?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: What do you tip a wood guy?

(George looks intensively at the apartment description.)

GEORGE: I didn’t know there was a fireplace.

ELAINE: Look! Look at- look at this! There’s a garden.

GEORGE: A garden! I can’t believe there’s a garden!

JERRY: Would I have to get a gardener?

ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardener.

JERRY: You tip him?

ELAINE: You can.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) You don’t tip a gardener!

ELAINE: You can tip a gardener.

GEORGE: You don’t need a gardener.

ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here.

JERRY: They deliver the coal?

ELAINE: Sure, it’s...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.

JERRY: Oh, then I gotta tip him.

ELAINE: Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!

JERRY: I don’t have any plants.

GEORGE: I have plants. (snorts)

ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I’m walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) It’s a walk-in. Can you believe it? I’m nuts about this, what do you think?

(Jerry closes the door, with Elaine still in it.)

JERRY: I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George?

GEORGE: It’s your decision.

(Jerry walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking. Elaine is not able to copy this move; they look at each other, laughing.)

JERRY: I’m takin’ it, I’m takin’ the place. I’m gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. I’m livin’ here...I’m movin’.

ELAINE: (laughing with joy) Your movin’? That means I’m movin’. (She hugs Jerry.) Geeeeee (to George) isn’t that incredible!

GEORGE: (unenthusiastic) Congratulations.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry and Elaine are there.)

ELAINE: What about the couch?

JERRY: You like the couch? I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: You’re movin’ in, you’re a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I don’t even wanna see it, go, get it out.

ELAINE: A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch?

JERRY: Yeah!

ELAINE: For this couch?!

(Jerry shuts the apartment door.)

JERRY: Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?

ELAINE: Okay, uh, I’ll tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I don’t know, maybe...twenty dollars?

(Jerry looks at her as if to say, “You can’t be serious.” The apartment buzzer goes off. Jerry speaks over the intercom.)

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: (from the intercom) Yeah, it’s George.

JERRY: Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, I’m gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) I’m just gonna pack up the cushions right now...

ELAINE: Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars.

JERRY: (continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, ‘cause I wanna get it in the hall.

(He is about to lift up the couch.)

ELAINE: Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right?

JERRY: Fifty dollars?

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

JERRY: Thank you very much.

ELAINE: Thank you very much.

(George enters and closes the door.)

GEORGE: Hey, what’s goin’ on?

ELAINE: I just bought Jerry’s couch for fifty dollars.

JERRY: (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.

GEORGE: (frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: If you’re having second thoughts, if you didn’t want it, don’t worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.

JERRY: You could take it? You want it?

GEORGE: No, I don’t want it. I want it, if you don’t want it.

JERRY: So you do want it.

GEORGE: No I, I want it if you don’t want it.

JERRY: You just said you wanted it!

GEORGE: No, I’m saying, if a situation arose in which you didn’t want it, I might take it.

(Jerry picks up the lease and hands it to George.)

JERRY: So take it.

GEORGE: How can I take it?

JERRY: How can I take it?

GEORGE: It’s your apartment!

JERRY: How can I want it now, if you want it?

ELAINE: Excuse me, uh, I don’t mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?

GEORGE: Yes, but I am not taking it.

JERRY: I...am not taking it.

(He drops the lease demonstratively on his line.)

ELAINE: Well, one of you better damn well take it!

JERRY: Well, whaddaya wanna do here?

GEORGE: I, I don’t know.

JERRY: Do you wanna flip a coin?

GEORGE: Who flips? You’ll flip, I’ll call.

JERRY: Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that’s it. Agreed?

GEORGE: I’m good.

ELAINE: I don’t know, who to root for, George’s place has carpeting.

(George "shushes" Elaine)

JERRY: All right, now you call it in the air.

GEORGE: No catchin’.

JERRY: No no.

GEORGE: Flip it.

(Jerry flips the coin.)

GEORGE: Heads!

(The coin hits the table. It falls on the floor. They all look intently at the coin.)

JERRY: Tails!

GEORGE: No, it hit the table, it hit the table.

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: Interference! You can’t count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it.

JERRY: You didn’t call no interference!

GEORGE: You don’t have to call that! That’s a rule!

JERRY: I don’t believe this.

GEORGE: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!

JERRY: I don’t wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think?

ELAINE: I’d better not.

JERRY: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that’s it, you gotta win three.

GEORGE: Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. I’ll choose you. Whaddaya want?

JERRY: Odds.

GEORGE: I want evens.

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: You got odds.

JERRY: You got evens.

GEORGE: Right, ready?

JERRY: For the apartment.

(They take their choose positions.)

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine!

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine!

(George walks to the table to take a break. They resume their positions.)

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

GEORGE: Mine!

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

(Jerry wins. Elaine starts measuring up Jerry’s couch.)

GEORGE: Congratulations...congratulations.

JERRY: Thanks.

GEORGE: I'm just gonna...wash. (George walks to the bathroom; screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO?

(Kramer slides into the apartment.)

KRAMER: Jerry, I think I’m on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: The last couple a days he’s been acting very strange. I think he’s avoiding me.

JERRY: Hard to imagine.

KRAMER: Yeah! And get this: I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, “Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.”

KRAMER: ..you know, very casually,

JERRY: Right.

KRAMER: (cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence.

ELAINE: So what did he say?

KRAMER: “What stuff?”

JERRY: Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed!

KRAMER: No, you don’t understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I’m gonna go over there, I’m gonna borrow some tea. If I don’t get back in five minutes, maybe you’d better call the police.

JERRY: Okay, starting...NOW!

(Jerry looks at his watch.)

KRAMER: Yeah!

(Kramer darts off.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: One of the problems in life is that when you’re a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, “I got the front seat” “I wanted the front seat!” “I called it”. And the other kid knows he’s got nothing to say: “He called it. What can I do?” If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. “Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat” And the judge would go, “Did he call it?” “Well no, he didn’t call-” BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) “He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled.”

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Jerry is sitting at a table, George returns from the bathroom.)

GEORGE: I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don’t know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I don’t know if it’s the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner.

JERRY: It’s a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin’?

GEORGE: I don’t know, I can’t eat. You, you can’t have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs: out. Coffee: out. French fries: out. BLT: out! I go to visit my grandparents: three big brisket sandwiches, I’m sittin’ here with a carrot! They’re closing in on a hundred, I’m sayin’ to them, “How can you eat that stuff?” (They look at their menus again.) I’m so sick about losin’ that choose, you don’t know.

JERRY: All right, forget it, forget it. I’m not taking the place!

GEORGE: What?!

JERRY: How can I live there?

GEORGE: Why not?!

JERRY: Look at you, you’re still thinking about it. I’ll never feel comfortable.

GEORGE: Oh, get outta here.

JERRY: How can I ever have you over? You’ll sit there moping.

GEORGE: I won’t mope.

JERRY: You’re already moping! Would you take the place?

GEORGE: No, impossible! It’s your apartment.

JERRY: You found the place.

GEORGE: You won the choose.

JERRY: All right, forget it, it’s over, I’m not moving.

GEORGE: Well, me neither.

JERRY: Definitely?

GEORGE: Definitely.

JERRY: Alright, then just get rid of it. You won’t have any problem.

GEORGE: No, it’s not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.

(A waitress, Carol, approaches.)

CAROL: What apartment?

GEORGE: Oh, it’s a great place, it’s uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd ‘bout half block from the park.

CAROL: What’s the rent?

INT. THE APARTMENT ON 83RD STREET – DAY

(The housewarming party for Carol, the waitress. Jerry, Elaine and George are invited to the house, they’re sitting on a couch, all three moping.)

GEORGE: I don’t know, what we’re doin’ here, this is ridiculous.

JERRY: She wanted to thank us for the apartment.

ELAINE: I can’t believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch.

(She slaps Jerry on the leg.)

JERRY: If only the coin hadn’t hit the table.

GEORGE: The table is interference, you know it!

JERRY: It is not!

GEORGE: It is too!

ELAINE: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on “Carousel”.

(Carol approaches them.)

CAROL: Hi.

GEORGE: Hi, Carol.

CAROL: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry.

(Jerry, Elaine and George get up. )

CAROL: This is George, Elaine and Jerry. These are the guys who got us the apartment.

LARRY: Oh, you don’t know how grateful I am, if there’s anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we’re just so thrilled with this place.

CAROL: It’s a dream.

LARRY: I’m running in the park now, I’ve lost weight, we’re barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.

GEORGE: We’re really glad for you.

ELAINE: Couldn’t be happier.

JERRY: It’s wonderful.

(They sit down again.)

CAROL: Diane, Diane, come here.

(Diane comes to the couch. She is very attractive.)

CAROL: This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.

(Jerry, Elaine and George get up.)

CAROL: (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today. She’s a masseuse!

DIANE: How, how could you guys have turned this place down, it’s such a great location and it’s...so close to the park.

GEORGE: We’re aware of the proximity to the park, yes.

DIANE: Well, it was nice to meet you.

(Diane walks away.)

GEORGE: Nice meeting you.

(George shakes Carol’s hand. The three sit down again. Carol walks away.)

JERRY: How late are the stores open? I’m thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head.

(Two men are standing behind the couch, talking.)

MAN #1: I get a call from Gilmour this morning, and get this: they’re restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month.

MAN #2: Really? What are you gonna ‘bout the apartment?

MAN #1: Well, what can I do? Give it up.

JERRY, GEORGE & ELAINE: What’s the rent?

The End

S1E3 - Male Unbonding

Broadcast date: June 14, 1990

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kevin Dunn ......................... Joel

Anita Wise ............................ Waitress

Frank Piazza ........................ Customer

Kimberley LaMarque ......... Teller

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy’s out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it’s true, men hear a drill, it’s like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, “Honey, I think Jim’s working on something over there.” So they run over to the guy. Now they don’t actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That’s what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, “What are you using, a Phillips-head?” You know, we feel involved. That’s why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that’s just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don’t cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. “What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that’ll hold.”

INT. JERRY’S LOBBY – DAY

(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator.)

GEORGE: I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.

JERRY: I don’t think you did anything wrong.

GEORGE: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don’t tell you.

JERRY: We can only thank God for that.

(Elevator opens. They get on.)

GEORGE: I’m outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It’s only a matter of time now.

JERRY: You’re imagining this. Really.

GEORGE: Oh, no. No no no no.

(Elevator doors close.)

INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUING

GEORGE: I’ll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.

JERRY: What floss? When?

GEORGE: We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there’s this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.

JERRY: Ah, mint.

GEORGE: Of course. So, I’m looking at it. I look up, I see she’s looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..

(Elevator doors open. They get off.)

JERRY: So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her.

GEORGE: If I didn’t put that floss in my pocket, I’d be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.

(They approach Jerry’s apartment.)

JERRY: And you’re sure the floss was the catalyst?

GEORGE: Yes, I am.

JERRY: You don’t think it might’ve had anything to do with that?

(Jerry points to George’s fanny pack.)

GEORGE: What? You don’t like this?

JERRY: It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

(They enter Jerry’s apartment)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUING

(Kramer is on the couch, talking on the phone.)

KRAMER: (to the phone) Oh, they’ve got a cure for cancer. See, it’s all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is.

(Kramer hands the phone to Jerry.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it?

KRAMER: Take it.

JERRY: Who is it?

KRAMER: It’s for you.

JERRY: (to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesn’t know anything. He’s just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I’m meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday’s okay... All right. Uh, I’m a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.

KRAMER: Well, it’s your phone. He wanted to talk to you.

JERRY: Maybe I didn’t want to talk to him.

KRAMER: Well, why not?

JERRY: He bothers me. I don’t even answer the phone anymore because of him. He’s turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday.

GEORGE: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We’re not going?

JERRY: We’re going. That’s next Wednesday.

GEORGE: Oh. Who is this guy?

JERRY: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would’ve been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. He’s so self-involved.

(Kramer’s cordless phone rings. Kramer pulls it out of his pocket.)

KRAMER: That’s for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie...

JERRY: Can you conduct your business elsewhere?

KRAMER: (ignoring Jerry) No no no. I’m talking about a whole chain of ‘em. Yeah.

(Kramer leaves Jerry’s apartment while still on the phone.)

GEORGE: I don’t know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I’ll tell you that.

JERRY: I don’t bother with him. He’s been calling me for seven years. I’ve never called him once! He’s got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he’s paying attention.

GEORGE: I don’t understand why you spend time with this guy.

JERRY: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, “I don’t think we’re right for each other.” He’s a guy! At least with a woman, there’s a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.

GEORGE: No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.

JERRY: Just break up with him?

GEORGE: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.

JERRY: The Truth.

(They both careen)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing)

JERRY: As a guy I don’t know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don’t know how to say, “Bill, I feel I need to see other men.” Do you know what I mean? There’s nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that’s the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they’re two guys. That’s almost all we need to have in common. ‘Cause sports – sports and women – is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, “So, what’s in the refrigerator?”

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table.)

JOEL: ...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo.

JERRY: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would-

JOEL: (to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, we’re starving here! We’ve been waiting here for ten minutes already!

JERRY: (testing Joel) So, I’m thinking about going to Iran this summer.

JOEL: I have to eat! I mean, I’m hypoglycemic.

JERRY: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, it’s their annual terrorist luncheon.

JOEL: Yeah.

JERRY: (cont'd) I’m gonna do it in Farsi.

JOEL: Do you think I need a haircut?

(A waitress approaches their table.)

CLAIRE: Are you ready?

JERRY: Yeah, I’ll have the egg salad on whole wheat.

JOEL: (to the waitress) Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don’t want that processed turkey. (to Jerry) I hate it.

WAITRESS: I think it’s real turkey.

JOEL: Is there a real bird in the back?

WAITRESS: No, there’s not bird but-

JOEL: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don’t you do me a favor. Why don’t you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable.

JERRY: How can you talk to someone like that?

JOEL: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?

JERRY: Listen, Joel. There’s something I have to tell you...

JOEL: (laughing) Wait, you’ll never guess who I ran into.

(Joel pushes out his ears as a hint to Jerry.)

JERRY AND JOEL: Howard Metro.

JOEL: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, “Sure, I see him all the time. We’re still great friends.” Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs)

JERRY: Listen, Joel, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

JOEL: What?

JERRY: This friendship: It’s not working.

JOEL: Not working? What are you talking about?

JERRY: We’re just not suited to be friends.

JOEL: How can you say that?

JERRY: Look, you’re a nice guy, it’s just that... we don’t have anything in common.

JOEL: (starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did.

JERRY: Y-You didn’t do anything. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s- this is very difficult.

JOEL: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you’re a very busy guy.

JERRY: No, it’s not that.

JOEL: (crying) You’re one of the few people I can talk to.

JERRY: Oh, come on. That’s not true.

JOEL: I always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, I’m your biggest fan!

JERRY: I know, I know.

JOEL: I mean, you’re my best friend.

JERRY: Best friend- I’ve never been to your apartment.

JOEL: I cannot believe that this is happening. I can’t believe it.

JERRY: Okay, okay. Forget it. It’s okay. I didn’t mean it.

JOEL: Didn’t mean what?

JERRY: What I said. I’ve been under a lot of stress.

JOEL: Oh, you’ve been under a lot of stress.

JERRY: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I took it out on you. We’re still friends. We’re still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, I’ll tell you what. I’ve got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.

(Joel’s tears are clearing up.)

JOEL: Tonight?

JERRY: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would’ve said tonight.

JOEL: Do you really want me to go?

JERRY: (lying) Yes.

JOEL: Okay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that’d be great. So, next Wednesday.

JERRY: Next Wednesday.

JOEL: Where is that waitress? (to the counter) Hey!

INT. BANK – DAY

(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip. George is carrying a jug full of change.)

GEORGE: ...she calls me up at my office

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: (cont'd) she says, “We have to talk.”

JERRY: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.

GEORGE: That, or “Who’s bra is this?”

JERRY: That is worse.

GEORGE: So we order lunch, and we’re talking. Finally, she blurts out how it’s ‘not working’.

JERRY: Really.

GEORGE: So, I’m thinking, as she’s saying this, I’m thinking: great, the relationship’s over. But the egg salad’s on the way. So now I have a decision: Do I walk or do I eat?

JERRY: Hm. You ate.

GEORGE: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.

JERRY: Someone says, “Get out of my life,” and that doesn’t affect your appetite?

GEORGE: Have you ever had their egg salad?

JERRY: It is unbelievable.

GEORGE: It’s unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn’t even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.

(Jerry looks at George’s jug of change.)

JERRY: How much could you possibly have in there?

GEORGE: It’s my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change.

JERRY: Yeah? Where’d he go, to an arcade?

GEORGE: (sarcastically) That’s funny. You’re a funny guy.

JERRY: C’mon, move up.

(George moves up in the bank line. There’s a customer in front of him.)

CUSTOMER: Oh great, Ewing’s hurt.

GEORGE: Ewing’s hurt? How long is he going to be out?

CUSTOMER: A couple of days at the most but...

GEORGE: Geez.

JERRY: Oh, God.

GEORGE: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing.

JERRY: Listen, George, little problem with the game.

GEORGE: What about it?

JERRY: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I gave your ticket to Horneck.

GEORGE: (not believing him) You what?!

JERRY: Yeah, I’m sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.

GEORGE: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?

JERRY: C’mon, c’mon, go ahead, move up.

GEORGE: Why did you give him my ticket for?

JERRY: You didn’t see him. It was horrible.

GEORGE: Oh, c’mon, Jerry. I can’t believe this.

JERRY: I had to do it.

(George is up to the teller. Jerry goes to another one.)

GEORGE: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills?

TELLER: I’m sorry, sir. We can’t do that.

JERRY: Do you want to go with him? You go. I don’t mind.

GEORGE: I’m not going with him. I don’t even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.

TELLER: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.

GEORGE: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!

INT. COMEDY CLUB

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: No, I do not like the bank. I’ve heard the expression “Laughing all the way to the bank.” I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there’s nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it’s empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) “Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I’m almost at the front. I’d like a reward for this please.”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)

GEORGE: ...thirty-two, thirty-three-

JERRY: George.

(George puts up his hand.)

GEORGE: Not now.

(George counts to himself.)

JERRY: Could you stop the counting?

(George loses count.)

GEORGE: Nnnnnnngaaa!

(He dumps out roll.)

GEORGE: What?!

JERRY: Can I make it up to you? I’ll give you fifty bucks for the jug.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.

JERRY: Well, then I’m not going to the game either. Okay? I’ll give him both tickets.

GEORGE: Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go!

JERRY: I- no, I don’t want to go.

GEORGE: He was really crying?

JERRY: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I’ll just make up some excuse why I can’t go to the game either.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you’re going to lie to the guy, why don’t you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?

JERRY: George, the man wept.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey guys. Man, I’m telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen.

GEORGE: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?

KRAMER: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven.

GEORGE: You know, you have to know how to do that. You can’t have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven!

KRAMER: It’s all supervised.

GEORGE: Oh, well...

KRAMER: All of it. You want to invest?

GEORGE: My money’s all tied up in change right now.

KRAMER: No, I’m tellin’ you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.

JERRY: I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I can’t imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but that’s me. Alright

KRAMER: That’s you.

JERRY: I’m just saying..Alright.

KRAMER: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.

JERRY: Okay.

KRAMER: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted- okay.

(Kramer exits quickly, then sticks his head back through the door.)

KRAMER: One day, you’ll beg me to make your own pie.

(Kramer exits for good. Jerry dials Joel’s number.)

JERRY: (to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I can’t make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, he’s got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They’re at the Will-Call window... And I’m really sorry... Have a good time... We’ll talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I don’t... Fine.. Fine... Bye.

(He hangs up.)

GEORGE: Trapezoid?

JERRY: I know. I’m really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Elaine and Jerry are there.)

ELAINE: Come on, let’s go do something. I don’t wanna just sit around here.

JERRY: Okay.

ELAINE: Want to go get something to eat?

JERRY: Where do you want to go?

ELAINE: I don’t care, I’m not hungry.

JERRY: We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.

ELAINE: What are we gonna do there? Talk?

JERRY: We could talk.

ELAINE: I’ll go if I don’t have to talk.

JERRY: Then we’ll just sit there.

ELAINE: Okay. I’m gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy...

JERRY: Okay, just hand that over, please.

ELAINE: Oh, what is this?

JERRY: It’s a list of excuses, it’s for that guy, Horneck, who’s at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I don’t have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?

ELAINE: I got some for you.

JERRY: I don’t need any more.

ELAINE: No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen: You ran out of underwear, you can’t leave the house.

JERRY: (not amused) Very funny.

ELAINE: How about: You’ve been diagnosed as a multiple personality. You’re not even you. You’re Dan.

JERRY: I’m Dan. Can I have my list back, please?

(Elaine gives Jerry the list.)

ELAINE: Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you’re doing this. This is absolutely infantile.

JERRY: What can I do?

ELAINE: Deal with it. Be a man!

JERRY: Oh no. That’s impossible. I’d rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus.

ELAINE: You made a man cry? I’ve never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn’t cry. I got the cab.

JERRY: Couple of tough monkeys.

(Elaine laughs. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!

JERRY: Game?

KRAMER: Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat!

JERRY: Wait. How does Horneck know you?

KRAMER: Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. He’s really into my pizza place idea!

JERRY: This is too much.

ELAINE: Wait, what pizza place idea?

JERRY: Oh, no.

KRAMER: You get to make your own pie!

ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.

KRAMER: Yea.

JOEL: (from the hallway) Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Perfect.

(Joel enters.)

JOEL: Hey.

KRAMER: Okay, who wants meatloaf?

JERRY & ELAINE: No thanks.

KRAMER: (to Joel) It’s gonna be hot in a minute.

(Kramer exits.)

JOEL: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew?

JERRY: Oh, we finished early.

JOEL: M-hm, I’ll bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your ‘nephew’?

(Elaine laughs)

JERRY: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.

ELAINE: Hi.

JOEL: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split?

JERRY: We’re still friends.

JOEL: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I’m going to take you. How about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why don’t you come along?

ELAINE: Oh, no no. Tuesday’s uh no good becasue we’ve got choir practice.

JERRY: Right. I forgot about choir.

ELAINE: We-We’re doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.

JERRY: Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.

JOEL: What about Thursday night? I mean they’re playing the Sonics.

(Jerry shakes his head.)

ELAINE: Huh... Thursday is no good because we’ve got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.

JOEL: You know, I should really try something like that.

JERRY: You really should.

JOEL: Well, let’s just take a look here.

(Horneck looks at his schedule.)

JOEL: Forty-one home games. Let's see saturday night we’ve got the Mavericks. If you don’t like the Mavericks, next Tuesday: Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let’s see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You can’t miss Air Jordan...

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: You know, I really... I’ve come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they’re just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you don’t really wanna see them. You don’t call them, they call you. You don’t call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you don’t really have anything in common with is to pretend you’re hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there’s a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there’s no way you can say, “Hey, it’s been great having you on the show. We’re out of time.”

The End

S1E4 - The Stock Tip

Broadcast date: June 21, 1990

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lynn Clark  ......................... Vanessa

Ted Davis ............................. Dry Cleaner

Jill C. Klein ........................... Waitress

Benjamin Lum ..................... Stock Boy

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money’s a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. And you don’t care about money when you’re hungry. You sit down at a restaurant, you’re like the ruler of an empire. “More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives.” Then after the meal, you know, you’ve got the pants open, you’ve got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They’re mystified by the check. “What is this? How could this be?” They start passing it around the table, “Does this look right to you? We’re not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?”

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Jerry and George sit at a booth.)

JERRY: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

GEORGE: I never heard him say anything really funny.

JERRY: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed. I’m sure he’s got super humor.

GEORGE: You would think that, but either you’re born with a sense of humor, or you’re not. It’s not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

JERRY: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

GEORGE: I don’t know. But he ain’t funny.

(Elaine joins them. The boys check their watches.)

ELAINE: I know, I know. I’m sorry I’m late.

JERRY: No problem.

ELAINE: I dropped a grape.

GEORGE: Pardon?

ELAINE: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn’t find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.

JERRY: Were you crying? I mean, it’s just a grape. You’ll find it.

ELAINE: No, I’m just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I’m going out with...

JERRY: Robert.

ELAINE: Robert. Yes. Thank you. He has two cats and I’m allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can’t even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor’s studio so we can’t go there. It’s really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won’t even go away for the weekend because of these cats.

GEORGE: Guys with cats... I don’t know.

JERRY: I’ve been thinking about asking this girl I’m, uh, seeing-

ELAINE: Vanessa.

JERRY: Vanessa, thank you. I’ve been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days.

GEORGE: Oh, no. No no no no no. I’d have to advise against that. What, do you know this woman a month? Let’s see, you’re going to be with her seventy-two hours. That’s a dating decathlon.

ELAINE: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don’t you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She’ll love it.

GEORGE: That’s exquisite. Listen, uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?

(Elaine gets the paper, and George starts flipping through it.)

JERRY: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel.

(Elaine gives Jerry a look)

GEORGE: Up again?! This is incredible! I’m.. I’m getting it.

ELAINE: You’re getting what?

GEORGE: A stock.

JERRY: What stock?

GEORGE: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?

JERRY: Maybe.

GEORGE: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he’s got some new thing. You know, there’s supposed to be a big merger. He wasn’t even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too.

JERRY: How high’s it suppose to go?

GEORGE: I don’t know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it?

JERRY: Boy... I don’t know.

ELAINE: I’d do it but I don’t have any money.

JERRY: What kind of company is it?

GEORGE: It’s called Sendrax. They’ve got some new kind of technique for televising opera.

ELAINE: Televising opera?

GEORGE: Some sort of electronic thingy.

JERRY: Well, how much are you going to invest?

GEORGE: Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand.

JERRY: Boy...

GEORGE: C’mon. Wilkinson’s got millions invested in this stock. It’s gone up three points since I’ve been watching it.

JERRY: What if I lose it?

GEORGE: C’mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We’ll do it together. Come on, come on. We’re in it together.

JERRY: All right. Twenty-five hundred.

GEORGE: That’s it.

(The waitress arrives.)

WAITRESS: Yeah, can I take your order?

GEORGE: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.

JERRY: My bet? All right. I’ll open with a tuna sandwich.

ELAINE: Tuna?

JERRY: Oh, the dolphin thing?

ELAINE: They’re dying in the nets.

JERRY: Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.

ELAINE: Jerry, can’t you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?

JERRY: Hey, when I’m driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I’m always waving everybody in. “Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.” ...All right. All right. I’ll have a chicken salad.

ELAINE: And I’m going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee.

WAITRESS: Okay. (To George) What about you?

GEORGE: I’ll have the tuna.

INT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT

(Jerry and Vanessa are on a date.)

JERRY: I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.

VANESSA: Why didn’t you do something?

JERRY: What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, I’m risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?

STOCK BOY: No puffs. Just flakes.

JERRY : Have you thought any more about that trip?

VANESSA: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it.

JERRY: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont.

VANESSA: I don’t know. I just worry about trips like this. It’s a lot of pressure.

JERRY: It’s great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It’s like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days.

VANESSA: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two?

JERRY: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two.

VANESSA: Really? Could we go fishing up there?

JERRY: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?

VANESSA: They have marlin in Vermont?

JERRY: Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin)

(Jerry picks up a newspaper.)

VANESSA: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down.

JERRY : I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry is looking at a road map. Kramer enters with a newspaper.)

JERRY: Is that my paper?

KRAMER: Bad news, my friend.

JERRY: What? What news?

KRAMER : Sendrax.

JERRY: Oh, c’mon! It’s down again?!

KRAMER: Two and a half points.

JERRY: Oh, I can’t believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) That’s four and a half points in three days! That’s almost half my money!

KRAMER: Hey, I told you.

JERRY: (sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.

KRAMER: It’s all manipulated with junk bonds. You can’t win.

(Jerry picks up the reciever of his phone, and dials.)

JERRY: There’s one thing I don’t understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please.

KRAMER: Hey, I don’t care. I’m just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now!

JERRY: (to the phone) George, what’s going on?!

KRAMER: Sell it, just say I’m selling!

JERRY: (to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my money’s gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasn’t been home or in his office in the past three days!

KRAMER: You know, I can’t believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could’ve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.

JERRY: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?

KRAMER: Okay, you’re in a restaurant. You’ve got a very big meeting coming up...

JERRY: Okay...

KRAMER: (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie!

JERRY: (going along with it) Oh No!

KRAMER: You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then you’re gone.

JERRY: You’re gone all right.

KRAMER: (Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what...

JERRY: Yeah, I’m going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days.

KRAMER: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.

JERRY: What friends?

KRAMER: Well, it’s just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) ‘Cause they’re really good people, Jerry. I’m telling you. You know, they’re anarchists. They’re.. they’re.. they’re.. huge.

(Jerry answers the phone.)

JERRY: George- What?! You’re kidding... Well, what’s wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, I’ll speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy who’s supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he’s in the hospital.

(Kramer smiles.)

INT. DRY CLEANERS – DAY

(Jerry and George are in line. )

JERRY: So you don’t know what’s wrong with him?

GEORGE: All Simons was able to find out is that he’s in the hospital.

JERRY: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?

GEORGE: Of course he’s been in touch with him. He’s left two messages. He just hasn’t heard back yet, that’s all.

JERRY: Well, this is it. I’m selling.

GEORGE: Just give it a little more time.

JERRY: I never should’ve gotten involved in this. I’m a nervous wreck. I’m not cut out for investing.

GEORGE: All right, all right. That’s it. I’m gonna go down there.

JERRY: Where?

GEORGE: To the hospital.

JERRY: The hospital?

GEORGE: I’m going to find out what’s going on. All right?

JERRY: Are you nuts? You don’t even know the guy.

GEORGE: So what? I’ll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I’ll work my way around to it.

JERRY: What if he’s in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) “How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?” (He makes a hissing sound.) “By the way, what’s happening with Sendrax?”

GEORGE: Maybe he’s resting.

JERRY: Who goes to the hospital to rest?

GEORGE: What are you, a doctor?

JERRY: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?

GEORGE: Today. I’m going today. Just don’t do anything until you hear from me.

JERRY: All right.

(Jerry moves up in line; a woman takes his place. George does not notice.)

GEORGE: (to the woman) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.

(Woman gives him a look.)

DRY CLEANER: (to Jerry) May I help you?

JERRY: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It’s completely shrunk. There’s absolutely no way I can wear it.

DRY CLEANER: When did you bring it in?

JERRY: What’s the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!

DRY CLEANER: You got a receipt?

JERRY: I can’t find the receipt.

DRY CLEANER: You should get the receipt.

JERRY: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It’s a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!

DRY CLEANER: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?

JERRY: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don’t even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That’s what I want. I want an admission of guilt.

DRY CLEANER: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.

JERRY: No! Dry-cleaned.

DRY CLEANE: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing-

JERRY: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!

DRY CLEANER: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, “Well, it’s ruined.” And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, “It’s not our fault. We’re not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation.” You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? They’re cleaning our clothes, but they’re not getting anything wet. It’s all dry. I know there’s gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they’re using. There’s no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That’s dry cleaning. I don’t think that’s what they’re doing back there. They don’t have eighty guys going, “Come on, hurry up! There’s a lot of shirts today!”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry and Elaine are there. Elaine sneezes.)

JERRY: Bless you.

ELAINE: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten, so don’t give me hygiene.

JERRY : So what are you gonna do?

ELAINE: I don’t know. I can’t think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?

JERRY: Well, it couldn’t be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

ELAINE: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?

JERRY: I’m no cat killer.

ELAINE: How about we go over there right now and we shave them?

JERRY: I’d really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go.

ELAINE: He actually went to the hospital?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh man, he’s nuts.

JERRY: Yeah, he’s nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. It’s down again.

KRAMER: How much are you down altogether?

JERRY: I don’t know.. fifteen hundred dollars.

KRAMER: Wow.

JERRY: You don’t have to say “Wow.” I know it’s “Wow.” (Kramer smiling) And there’s that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) It’s George.

(Jerry presses the button to let George in. Elaine goes into the bathroom. Kramer picks up some binoculars and looks out the window.)

KRAMER: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

JERRY: I really don’t need to look.

KRAMER: What a body. Yeeaahh. That’s for me.

JERRY: Yeah, and you’re just what she’s looking for too – a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.

KRAMER: I’m gonna go down there and try and talk to her.

(Kramer exits. George enters and flops onto the couch.)

JERRY: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you what’s gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there?

GEORGE: Fifteen seconds.

JERRY: You told him you knew Simons?

GEORGE: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, I’m in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I’ll tell you one thing. I don’t know what he’s got. But for a sick guy, he’s very strong.

(Elaine exits bathroom.)

JERRY: Well, that’s it. Look, I’m going to Vermont. I don’t want to think about this. I’m selling.

ELAINE: Didn’t work, huh?

GEORGE: (laughs) Not quite.

ELAINE: We-Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?

GEORGE: I’m keeping it. I’m going down with the ship.

INT. COUNTRY INN’S LOBBY - DAY

(Jerry and Vanessa are well into their weekend together. It’s raining outside.)

JERRY: So I know this guy. I’m getting all my sneakers at a discount now.

VANESSA: I know. You mentioned it.

JERRY: Oh yeah, right.

JERRY: (thinking) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I’ve still got another day! I’ve got nothing left to say. Wait... wait... Got one. (to Vanessa) That’s a nice watch. Do you wind it?

VANESSA: No, it’s got a little battery.

JERRY: Well, that’s good.

JERRY: (thinking) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I’m speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don’t care. (to Vanessa) That's the manager? Do you want me to see if we can get another room?

VANESSA: No, it’s okay.

JERRY: So, I guess you don’t find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming?

VANESSA: Not especially.

JERRY: Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?

VANESSA: What can we do? It’s raining.

JERRY: We cold play “Sorry!” We cold play “Steal the Old Man’s Bundle.” (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you’re wearing?

VANESSA: Oh, you’ve never heard of it.

JERRY: No, what? What kind is it?

VANESSA: I can’t tell you.

JERRY: (thinking) Yeah, that’s normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section?

VANESSA: That stock? I thought you got out of that?

JERRY: I did. I’m just curious. It’s been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) It’s up six points!

VANESSA: I told you not to sell.

JERRY: You did not tell me not to sell.

VANESSA: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?

JERRY: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!

VANESSA: That’s probably why we're-

(She stops herself.)

JERRY: What?

VANESSA: Forget it.

JERRY: No, what? ‘That’s probably why..’

VANESSA: That’s probably why we’re staying here, because you lost money on the stock.

JERRY: (thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume...

INT. MONK’S DINER – NIGHT

(Jerry, George and Elaine are there, having just eaten.)

GEORGE: (laughing) Have something else. C’mon, have a little dessert?

JERRY : I’m good, thanks.

GEORGE: Elaine, get something! It’s all taken care of.

ELAINE: I’m kinda full.

GEORGE: So don’t finish it.

JERRY: (acidly) She’s full. So, Big Daddy. I’m just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told?

GEORGE: I don’t like to discuss figures.

JERRY: How much?

GEORGE: I don’t know, what? Eight thousand. It’s a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.

JERRY: So, Wilkinson’s out of the hospital now?

GEORGE : No. You’d be surprised. You don’t recover that quickly from a nose job.

(Elaine sneezes.)

ELAINE: Oh god.

JERRY: Is that still from the cats?

ELAINE: No, I just have a cold.

JERRY: So, what ever happened with that?

ELAINE: I gave him an ultimatum.

(Jerry looks at her. Elaine shrugs.)

GEORGE: He chose the cats?

ELAINE: They’re very clean animals.

JERRY: I gotta say, that’s pretty sad. Losing out to a cat.

ELAINE: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.

GEORGE: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can’t get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. You’d get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont...

ELAINE: Superman can go back in time?

JERRY: We went over that.

GEORGE: Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinson’s got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. They’re about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.

JERRY: A robot butcher?

GEORGE: Shhhhh. If you want to get in, there’s very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on...

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I’m not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I’ve decided I’ll do the work. I’m gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? ‘Cause you send your money out there – working for you – a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, “What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me.” “Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.”

The End

Season 2

S2E1 - The Ex-Girlfriend

Broadcast date: January 16, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tracy Kolis .......................... Marlene

Karen Barcus ....................... Receptionist

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I’m always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure, “Is this the best lane for me? For my life?” They’re always a little bit ahead of you, “Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?” “Yeah, come on over here, pal. We’re zoomin’ over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.” The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we’ll be going, (Jerry pretends he’s driving in reverse.) “Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. I’m gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way.”

INT. JERRY’S CAR

(Jerry is in the driver’s seat, and George is in the passenger seat.)

GEORGE: She can’t kill me right?

JERRY: No, of course not.

GEORGE: People break up all the time.

JERRY: Everyday.

GEORGE: It just didn’t work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn’t.

JERRY: You tried.

GEORGE: I kept looking at her face. I’d go, “C’mon, love her. Love her!”

JERRY: Did you tell her you loved her?

GEORGE: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She’d tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. I’d go, “Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, that’s, that’s something.” But, eventually you have to come back with, “Well, I love you.” You know, you can only hold out for so long.”

JERRY: You’re a human being.

GEORGE: And I didn’t even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I can’t do that to someone.

JERRY: You’re too nice a guy.

GEORGE: I am. I’m a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I’m sitting on the couch, she’s on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, she’s on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn’t do that. I would’ve insulted her.

JERRY: You’re flesh and blood.

GEORGE: I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didn’t want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. “This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father...” It’s like I’m in quicksand.

JERRY: I told you when I met her.

GEORGE: My back is killing me.

JERRY: You gotta go to my chiropractor, he’s the best.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, everybody’s guy is the best.

JERRY: I’m gonna make an appointment for you. We’ll go together.

GEORGE: Please. They don’t do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can’t I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things.

JERRY: You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off!

(Car door opens. It’s Elaine.)

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

(George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back.)

ELAINE: Hey, what are you doing?

GEORGE: I’m letting you in.

ELAINE: Oh no. No. I don’t want to sit in the back. I’ll be left out of the conversation.

GEORGE: No, you won’t.

ELAINE: Yes, I will, George. I’ll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

GEORGE: Okay.

(George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the middle.)

ELAINE: Why can’t you sit in the middle?

GEORGE: Please, it doesn’t look good. Boy, boy, girl.

ELAINE: You’re afraid to sit next to a man. You’re a little homophobic, aren’t ya?

GEORGE: Is it that obvious?

(Elaine sits in the middle.)

ELAINE: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello.

ELAINE: Did you get a haircut?

JERRY: No, shower. So, where are we eating?

ELAINE: Tell me if you think this is strange. There’s this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He’s a uh teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we’d run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. He’s a nice guy, he’s got a family. Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that’s where this relationship is finally gonna settle: polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn’t nod. Like I don’t exist?! He went from nods to nothing.

GEORGE: (singing; imitating Tony Bennett) “You know, I’d go from nods to nothing...”

ELAINE: And now, there’s this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, it’s like we really hate each other. It’s based on nothing.

JERRY: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in “The Blob”.

GEORGE: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.

ELAINE: Really?

GEORGE: Yes.

ELAINE: You would do that?

GEORGE: If I was a different person.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry is on the phone.)

JERRY: Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... I’m sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if...

(The other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials. Kramer enters. The intercom buzzes; Kramer answers it.)

KRAMER: (to the intercom) Come on up.

JERRY: (to the phone) Oh, it’s you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldn’t have had to do this. Now that’s two long distance calls I made to you why can’t you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much.

(Kramer holds up some cantaloupe.)

KRAMER: Taste this.

JERRY: No, I just had a sandwich.

KRAMER: No, taste it. Taste it.

JERRY: I don’t want cantaloupe now.

KRAMER: You’ve never had cantaloupe like this before...

JERRY: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times...

KRAMER: ...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.

JERRY: ...all right!

(Jerry tastes it.)

KRAMER: Uh-huh. It’s good?

JERRY: It’s very good.

KRAMER: Good, huh?

JERRY: Good.

KRAMER: I got it at Joe’s.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

KRAMER: Forty-nine cents a pound. That’s practically half than what you’re paying at the supermarket. I don’t know why you don’t go to Joe’s.

JERRY: It’s too far.

KRAMER: It’s three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..

JERRY: I’m not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll ‘em down below my knee?

KRAMER: See, the other thing is, if you don’t like anything, he takes it right back.

JERRY: I don’t return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

(Enter George. He dances around the room, singing the Zorba theme.)

GEORGE: I’m outta there. I did it! It’s over.

JERRY: You did it? What happened?

GEORGE: I told her. In the kitchen – which was risky ‘cause it’s near all the knives. I started with the word “Listen.”

JERRY: Uh-huh...

GEORGE: I said, “Listen Marlene,” and then the next thing I know, I’m in the middle of it. And there’s this voice inside of me going, “You’re doing it! You’re doing it!” And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, “Keep going, keep going. You’re almost out!” It’s like I was making a prison break, you know, and I’m heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She’s firing at me from the guard tower. “Son of a bang! Son of a boom!” I get to the top of the wall – the front door. I opened it up, I’m one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!

JERRY: See, it’s never as bad as you imagine.

KRAMER: I liked Marlene. What’s her number?

GEORGE: Uh, no, I, I don’t think so.

(Kramer is eating cantaloupe.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking?

KRAMER: George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.

GEORGE: Oh no, thank you.

KRAMER: It’s the best cantaloupe I ever had.

GEORGE: No, really. No, no, thanks.

KRAMER: Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.

JERRY: It’s very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So that’s it? You’re out?

GEORGE: Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment.

JERRY: So, go get them.

GEORGE: Oh, no no, I can’t go back there. Jerry, it’s so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, I’d be right back where I started from.

JERRY: So forget about the books. Did you read them?

GEORGE: Well, yeah.

JERRY: What do you need them for?

GEORGE: I don’t know. They’re books.

JERRY: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

GEORGE: They’re my books.

JERRY: So you want me to get the books? Is that it?

INT. MONK’S DINER – NIGHT

(Jerry and Marlene are sitting at a booth. Marlene has a milkshake. A pile of books are on the table.)

MARLENE: ...so, it must’ve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyone’s just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. And I don’t know, I was just in one of those moods. So I said to myself, “Marlene, just do it.” And I jumped in. And as I’m getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.

JERRY: So what’d you do?

MARLENE: Well, nothing. It’s no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn’t see what the big attraction was.

JERRY: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess.

MARLENE: Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don’t see each other anymore, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stay friends.

JERRY: No.

MARLENE: Good enough. I’m really glad we got that settled.

INT. CHIROPRACTOR’S WAITING ROOM – DAY

(Jerry and George are reading magazines.)

JERRY: I don’t know how this happened.

GEORGE: Jerry, it’s not my fault.

JERRY: No, no. It’s not your fault. “Books, books, I need my books.” Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, it’s not like Marlene’s a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we’ve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And it’s these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I’m busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and she’s in the middle of a sentence!

GEORGE: It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?

JERRY: (disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes she’ll go, (imitates Marlene) “Hello, Jerry?” And I’ll go, “Oh, hi Marlene.” And then it’s “Jerry...”

JERRY & GEORGE: “I dunno sometimes...”

GEORGE: What trying to get off the phone?

JERRY: (more disgusted) Ohhhh! You can’t! It’s impossible! There’s no break in the conversation where you can go, “All right then...” You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.

GEORGE: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Don’t you think?

JERRY: Yeah. Yes, she is.

(The RECEPTIONIST enters.)

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Costanza?

GEORGE: Yeah.

RECEPTIONIST: The doctor will see you now.

GEORGE: (to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I’m going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, aren’t I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctor’s office.) “Oh, hello, Doctor.”

INT. COMEDY CLUB

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. ‘Cause it says “Waiting Room.” There’s no chance of not waiting. ‘Cause they call it the waiting room, they’re gonna use it. They’ve got it. It’s all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you’ve got your little magazine. You pretend you’re reading it, but you’re really looking at the other people. You know, you’re thinking about about them. Things like, “I wonder what he’s got. As soon as she goes, I’m getting her magazine.” And then, they finally call you and it’s a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. “Well, I guess I’ve been chosen. I’ll see you all later.” You know, so you think you’re going to see the doctor, but you’re not, are you? No. You’re going into the next waiting room – the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don’t wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don’t want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, “I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?” Do they scalp tickets to these things? “I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two...”

INT. CHIROPRACTOR’S WAITING ROOM – DAY

(George returns from his appointment to meet Jerry.)

JERRY: So, how was it?

GEORGE: I was in there for two minutes. He didn’t do anything. Touch this, feel that – seventy-five bucks!

JERRY: Well, it’s a first visit.

GEORGE: What’s seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I don’t understand this. I’m only paying half.

JERRY: You can’t do that.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: He’s a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.

GEORGE: Oh, no no no. I pay what I say.

INT. JERRY’S CAR – NIGHT

(Jerry is dropping off Marlene.)

MARLENE: Are you feeling weird?

JERRY: No, I’m fine.

MARLENE: Nothing really happened.

JERRY: Yeah, I know.

MARLENE: We just kissed a little. People kiss.

JERRY: Yeah.

MARLENE: Well... night.

(She leans over and kisses Jerry on the cheek. She exits the car. Jerry is stunned.)

JERRY: (belated) Good night.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Kramer enters with a golf club.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: I got it! This time, I got it!

JERRY : All right.

(Kramer sets up to show his golf swing.)

KRAMER: Hips! See, it’s all hips.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

KRAMER: You gotta come through with the hips first.

(He swings at an imaginary golf ball. Jerry looks off into the distance, at the ball.)

JERRY: That is out there.

(Kramer notices Jerry is eating cantaloupe; his eyes light up.)

KRAMER: Joe’s?

JERRY: No, supermarket.

KRAMER: Well, is it good?

JERRY: It’s uh okay.

KRAMER: Let me taste it.

(He takes a bite and immediately spits it out.)

KRAMER: See, that stinks. You can’t eat that. You should take that back.

JERRY: I’m not taking it back.

KRAMER: All right, I’ll take it back. I’m going by there.

JERRY: I don’t care about it.

KRAMER: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.

JERRY: All right. Take it back.

(Jerry’s phone rings. He is reluctant to answer it. The machine picks up.)

JERRY’S MESSAGE: “Leave a message, I’ll call you back.”

MARLENE: (from the phone) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If I’m not talking into the soap right now, call me back.

KRAMER: Well?

JERRY: Marlene.

KRAMER: (smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene...

JERRY: Yeah, I took her home one night – we kinda started up a little bit in the car.

KRAMER: I thought you were trying to get rid of her?

JERRY: I was. But, she’s got me, like, hypnotized.

KRAMER: Does George know?

JERRY: No, he’d go nuts.

KRAMER: Yeah, no kidding.

JERRY: I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, I’ve seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can’t go any further, but... She’s just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I can’t breathe. It’s like a drug.

KRAMER: Whoa, psychosexual.

JERRY: I don’t know how I’m going to tell him.

KRAMER: Man, I don’t understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?

JERRY: It’s partially you, yeah.

KRAMER: You’re his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesn’t even know?

JERRY: Well, he can’t kill me, right?

KRAMER: You’re a human being.

JERRY: I mean, she called me. I haven’t called her. She started it.

KRAMER: You’re flesh and blood.

JERRY: I’m a nice guy.

(Elaine enters, holding a desk lamp in the shape of an airplane.)

ELAINE: Hi.

(She hands Jerry the lamp.)

JERRY: (excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp.

ELAINE: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. That’s hard to get used to when you’re in so many other fast ones.

JERRY: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don’t have to be home on time.

ELAINE: Unless you’re married to a dictator.

JERRY: Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people.

ELAINE: Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point somebody’s going to offer me some cantaloupe?

KRAMER: Nope. No good.

JERRY: Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit.

KRAMER: Well, I’m taking this back.

(Kramer exits.)

ELAINE: So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.

JERRY: Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: You talked to him?

ELAINE: Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, “No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man.”

JERRY: Right.

ELAINE: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, “Hi, remember me?” And he furrows his brow, as if he’s really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, “You little phony. You know exactly who I am.”

JERRY: You said "you little phony"?

ELAINE: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, “Oh, yeah. You’re Jeanette’s friend. We did meet once.” And I said, “Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?”

JERRY: This is amazing.

ELAINE: And he says, he says, “Look, I just didn’t want to say hello anymore, All right?” And I said, “Fine. Fine. I didn’t want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that I’m aware of it!”

(Elaine tastes some cantaloupe.)

JERRY: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You’re my new hero. In fact, you’ve inspired me. I’m gonna call George about something right now.

ELAINE: This cantaloupe stinks.

(She spits it out in a napkin.)

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Jerry and George sit at a table for two.)

GEORGE: (considers for a second) I don’t care.

JERRY: You’re kidding.

GEORGE: No, I don’t care.

JERRY: You mean that?

GEORGE: Absolutely.

JERRY: You don’t care?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: How could you not care?

GEORGE: I don’t know. But I don’t. I’m actually almost happy to hear it.

JERRY: I thought you’d be upset.

GEORGE: I guess I should be, but I’m not.

JERRY: Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?

GEORGE: You’re a fine person. You’re a humanitarian. She’s very sexy.

JERRY: That voice. That voice. She’s driving me crazy.

GEORGE: I know. I know.

JERRY: So I can see her tonight, and you don’t care?

GEORGE: See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. She’s too crazy for me.

JERRY: All right. As long as you’re okay. Because I can’t stop thinking about her.

GEORGE: I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.

JERRY: Good. And I’ll tell you what... You don’t have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.

GEORGE: (shocked and angry) You paid that crook?!

JERRY: I had to.

GEORGE: He didn’t do anything, Jerry. It’s a scam! Who told you to do that?

JERRY: It was embarrassing to me.

GEORGE: Oh, I was trying to make a point.

JERRY: Why don’t you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) What’s wrong?

GEORGE: (gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?!

INT. JERRY’S CAR – NIGHT

(Jerry and Marlene are parked outside Jerry’s building.)

JERRY: So, you wanna come up for a few minutes?

MARLENE: I’m sorry, Jerry. I just don’t think this is gonna work.

JERRY: Really? I thought...

MARLENE: I know, I’m sorry.

JERRY: Gee, I just didn’t expect it from the way you’ve been acting.

MARLENE: You sure you want to talk about this? ‘Cause I sure don’t.

JERRY: Of course I want to talk about it.

MARLENE: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.

JERRY: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?

MARLENE: I saw your act.

JERRY: My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything?

MARLENE: Well, to be honest, it just didn’t make it for me. It’s just so much fluff.

JERRY: I can’t believe this. So what are you saying? You didn’t like my act, so that’s it?

MARLENE: I can’t be with someone if I don’t respect what they do.

JERRY: You’re a cashier!

MARLENE: Look, Jerry, it’s just wasn't my kind of humor.

JERRY: You can’t go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.

MARLENE: I heard the material.

JERRY: I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend.

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Women need to like the job of the guy they’re with. If they don’t like the job, they don’t like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. “Well, right now, I’m the regional management supervisor. I’m in development, research, consulting...” Men on the other hand – if they are physically attracted to a woman – are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don’t really care. Men’ll just go, “Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whaddaya got a big cleaver there? You’re just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don’t you shower up, and we’ll get some burgers and catch a movie.”

The End

S2E2 - The Pony Remark

Broadcast date: January 30, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Rozsika Halmos ................. Manya

David Fresco ....................... Isaac

Scott N. Stevens ................. Intern

Earl Boen ............................. Eulogist

rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Morty Seinfeld ............... Barney Martin

rc: Len Lesser ....................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn’t want to move to Florida, but they’re in their sixties, and that’s the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people’s house with a golf cart, jump out, “Let’s go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there. Drop it!” I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversation’s so boring. It’s so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, “What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass.” You know. Come back in, there’s broken glass, everybody’s all upset. “No, I’m all right. I was just a little bored there. And uh no, I’m fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let’s pick it up right there.”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry’s father, Morty, is watching television. His mother, Helen, is ironing his father’s jacket.)

HELEN: You have so many nice jackets. I don’t know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? What’s wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can’t wear this!

(Jerry’s phone rings. Helen goes into the bathroom)

MORTY: Are you getting that?

HELEN: I thought you were getting it.

MORTY: Should I pick up?

HELEN: You want me to get that?

MORTY: I’ll get it!

HELEN: I’ll get it!

(They both go for the phone; Helen gets to it first.)

HELEN: Hello?... Hello?

(She hangs up. Jerry enters, wearing baseball clothes and carrying a bat and glove.)

JERRY: Hi.

HELEN: Hi.

JERRY: (to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!

(Jerry picks up the remote and turns off the TV.)

MORTY: So, how’d you do?

JERRY: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We’ll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.

HELEN: This is your greatest moment? A game?

JERRY: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

MORTY: You know what my greatest moment was, don’t you? Nineteen-forty-six. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat.

HELEN: Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?

JERRY: Well, the man’s an individualist – he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he’s doing.

HELEN: But it’s their 50th anniversary.

MORTY: Your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing.

HELEN: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.

JERRY: First of all, I made plans with Elaine.

HELEN: So bring her.

JERRY: I don’t even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I’ve met them three times in my life.

MORTY: I don’t know her either. (gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.

HELEN: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you’ll leave.

MORTY: How come he gets to leave?

JERRY: If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He’s always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it’s because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

MORTY: And it’s always about Jeffrey, right?

JERRY: Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.

(Enter Kramer.)

KRAMER: Morty, are you coming in?

MORTY: Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey, how’d you do?

JERRY: We won. We’re in the finals on Wednesday.

KRAMER: Yeah!

JERRY: (to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?

KRAMER: I’m completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You’re not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Levels.

JERRY: Levels?

KRAMER: Yeah, I’m getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I’m going to build these different levels, with steps, and it’ll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.

JERRY: You drew up plans for this?

KRAMER: No no. It’s all in my head.

MORTY: I don’t know how you’re going to be comfortable like that.

KRAMER: Oh, I’ll be comfortable.

JERRY: When do you intend to do this?

KRAMER: Ohh... should be done by the end of the month.

JERRY: You’re doing this yourself?

KRAMER: It’s a simple job. Why, you don’t think I can?

JERRY: Oh, no. It’s not that I don’t think you can. I know that you can’t, and I’m positive that you won’t.

KRAMER: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.

MORTY: Hey, that’s some big job.

JERRY: I, don’t see it happening.

KRAMER: Well, this time, this time you’re wrong. C’mon. I’ll even bet you.

JERRY: Seriously?

HELEN: I don’t want you betting. Morty, don’t let him bet.

KRAMER: A big dinner with dessert. But I’ve got till the end of the month.

JERRY: I’ll give you a year.

KRAMER: No no no. End of the month.

JERRY: It’s a bet.

(They “pinkie swear” to lock the deal.)

INT. MANYA & ISAAC’S APARTMENT – EVENING

(Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Elaine is sitting at the kiddie table, lower than everyone else. Helen and Morty sit across from Jerry. Manya and Isaac sit at the head of the table. Other guests are present as well.)

JERRY: (to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?

ELAINE: No, no. I’m fine.

(Uncle Leo grabs Jerry’s arm.)

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, are you listening to this?

JERRY: Yeah, Uncle Leo.

UNCLE LEO: So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.

JERRY: Right. For the reducing of the pond scum?

UNCLE LEO: No, for the walking tours.

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour.

UNCLE LEO: That’s exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he’s talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?

JERRY: Mickey Mantle?

(Uncle Leo is confused by this comment.)

ELAINE: (saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!

JERRY: (eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.

ELAINE: Mmm... phenomenal peas.

MORTY: Are you ready for dessert?

JERRY: Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going.

MANYA: (surprised) You’re going?

ELAINE: Oh uh, I don’t really eat dessert. I’m dieting.

JERRY: Yeah, I can’t eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can’t dance.

MANYA : Can’t dance?

HELEN: He’s kidding, Manya.

MANYA: Is that a joke?

HELEN: So, did you hear Claire’s getting married?

MANYA: Yeah, yeah..

HELEN: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.

JERRY: Horses? They’re like big riding dogs.

ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...

JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

MANYA: (angry) I had a pony.

(The room goes dead quiet.)

JERRY: Well, I didn’t uh really mean a pony, per se...

MANYA: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, what’s wrong with that?

JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...

HELEN: Should we have coffee? Who’s having coffee?

MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.

JERRY: Well, I’m sure you did. Who wouldn’t love a pony? Who wouldn’t love a person that had a pony?

MANYA: You! You said so!

JERRY: No, see, we didn’t have ponies. I’m sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..

MANYA: That’s it! I had enough!

(Manya gets up from the table and exits.)

ISAAC: Have your coffee, everybody. She’s a little upset. It’s been an emotional day.

(Isaac exits. Everyone looks at Jerry.)

JERRY: I didn’t know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant’s going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin’ on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn’t make sense. Am I wrong?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Morty and Helen are collecting their luggage.)

JERRY: I’ll drive you to the airport.

HELEN: No, we’re taking a cab.

JERRY: I just hope that whole pony incident didn’t put a damper on the trip.

HELEN: Don’t be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding.

MORTY: Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

JERRY: Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I’m sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.

HELEN: You know, you should give Manya a call.

JERRY: Maybe I will.

(Jerry opens his door. Kramer is standing in the hallway.)

KRAMER: Oh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye.

(He points to the bags.)

KRAMER: Need any help with those?

MORTY: It’s nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along?

KRAMER: Oh, well... I decided I’m not gonna do it.

JERRY: (laughing) Really? What a shock.

HELEN: Goodbye, Jerry.

JERRY: Take care.

HELEN: We’ll call you.

(Helen exits.)

MORTY: Bye, Jer.

JERRY: Bye, Dad. Take it easy.

MORTY: Bye, Mr. Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah. So long, Morty.

(Morty leaves. Jerry closes the door. He and Kramer enter the kitchen. )

JERRY: So, when do I get my dinner?

KRAMER: There’s no dinner. The bet’s off. I’m not gonna do it.

JERRY: Yes, I know you’re not gonna do it. That’s why I bet.

KRAMER: Ya well, there’s no bet if I’m not doing it.

JERRY: That’s the bet! That you’re not doing it!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I could do it. I don’t wanna do it.

JERRY: We didn’t bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.

KRAMER: And it could be done.

JERRY: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it’s done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!

KRAMER: I don’t want the levels!

JERRY: That’s the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch ‘em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Don’t get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER

(Helen and Morty are back with Jerry.)

HELEN: Who did you talk to?

JERRY: Uncle Leo.

HELEN: And when’s the funeral?

JERRY: I don’t know. He said he’d call back.

MORTY: You know what this means, don’t you? We lost the Supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable.

HELEN: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...

JERRY: What?

HELEN: What? Nothing.

JERRY: You don’t think... What? The pony remark?

HELEN: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. She was an old woman.

JERRY: You don’t think that I killed her?

MORTY: You know what the flight back’ll cost us?

JERRY: It was just an innocent comment! I didn’t know she had a pony!

MORTY: Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

JERRY: The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) That’s probably Uncle Leo.

(Helen picks up.)

HELEN: Hello?... Yes, I know... Well, it’s just one of those things... Sure, sure, we’ll see you then.

(She hangs up.)

HELEN: The funeral’s Wednesday.

JERRY: Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?

HELEN: Two o’ clock, Wednesday.

JERRY: Ah

(Helen looks at Jerry.)

HELEN: What?

JERRY: I’ve got the softball game on Wednesday. It’s the championship.

HELEN: So? You’re not obligated. Go play in your game.

JERRY: I didn’t even know the woman.

HELEN: So don’t go.

JERRY: I mean I met her three times. I don’t even know her last name.

HELEN: Jerry, no one’s forcing you.

JERRY: I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That’s what I want to know. I mean, it’s the championship, I’m hitting everything.

HELEN: I don’t have a dress to wear. (to Morty) And you. You don’t have anything.

MORTY: I got my sport jacket.

HELEN: You’re not wearing that to a funeral.

MORTY: What’s wrong with it?

HELEN: It looks ridiculous.

MORTY: What? I’m gonna buy a new sport jacket now?

JERRY: I don’t know what to do.

MORTY: (depressed) You know what this funeral’s gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: We don’t understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don’t see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let’s make up our mind where we think they’re going.

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Elaine and Jerry sit across from George at a booth.)

ELAINE: I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What time’s your game?

JERRY: Two Forty-Five.

ELAINE: And what time’s the funeral?

JERRY: Two o’ clock.

ELAINE: How long does a funeral take?

JERRY: Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes.

ELAINE: So you can’t do both?

JERRY: You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn’t expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.

ELAINE: How can you even consider not going?

GEORGE: You know, I’ve been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.

ELAINE: You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I’m actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.

GEORGE: They always make me take stock of my life. And how I’ve pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.

JERRY: I know, and then you say to yourself, “From this moment on, I’m not gonna waste any more of it.” But then you go, “How? What can I do that’s not wasting it?”

ELAINE: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can’t you have coffee with people?

GEORGE: You know, I can’t believe you’re even considering not playing. We need you. You’re hitting everything.

ELAINE: He has to go. He may have killed her.

JERRY: Me? What about you? You brought up the pony.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, but I didn’t say I hated anyone who had one.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Who’s going to play left field?

JERRY: Bender.

GEORGE: Bender? He can’t play left. He stinks. I just don’t see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care who’s at their funeral? They don’t even know they’re having a funeral. It’s not like she’s hanging out in the back going, “I can’t believe Jerry didn’t show up.”

ELAINE: Maybe she’s there in spirit. How about that?

GEORGE: If you’re a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she’s gonna wanna hang around Drexler’s funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

ELAINE: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.

GEORGE: You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It’s not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) It’s all mental.

JERRY: Fifty years they were married. Now he’s moving to Pheonix.

ELAINE: Phoenix? What’s happening with his appartment?

JERRY: I don’t know. They’ve been in there since, like, World War II. The rent’s three hundred a month.

ELAINE: Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.

INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY

(The eulogy is in progress. Jerry is in attendance.)

EULOGIST: Although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world – a simpler world – with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. It’s lustrous coat, it’s flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow.

(Jerry sinks in his seat.)

INT. FUNERAL HOME – LATER

(Jerry and Elaine are talking to Helen. Jerry checks his watch.)

JERRY: Well, the game’s starting just about now.

HELEN: It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture.

(Morty is talking to his NEPHEW on the other side of the room.)

NEPHEW: I’m not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I’m just an intern. I can’t write a note to an airline.

MORTY: You’ve got your degree. They don’t care. They just want to see something.

(Jerry is talking to Isaac.)

JERRY: I just wanted to say how sorry I was...

(Uncle Leo interrupts.)

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They’re transferring him to Riverside - so he’ll completely revamp that operation, you understand?

JERRY: Yeah.

UNCLE LEO: He’ll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. More money. So, that’s your cousin.

(Morty is still talking to his nephew.)

MORTY: You don’t understand, I’ve never paid a full fare.

(Jerry and Elaine talk to Isaac.)

JERRY: Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night.

ELAINE: Oh, me too.

ISAAC: Oh, no no no. She forgot all about that. She was much more upset about the potato salad.

ELAINE: So, I understand you’re moving to Phoenix?

(Jerry shakes his head and walks away.)

ISAAC: Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would’ve liked Phoenix.

ELAINE: Mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, what’s happening with your apartment?

ISAAC: Of course it’s very hot there. I’ll have to get uh air conditioner.

ELAINE: Oh, you can have mine. I’ll ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?

ISAAC: Although they say it’s a dry heat.

ELAINE: Dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) what’s happening with your apartment?

ISAAC: I don’t even know if I should take my winter clothing.

ELAINE: I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I’ll watch it for you and I’ll live there and I’ll make sure that nothing happens to it.

(Jerry returns.)

ISAAC: Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey’s taking the apartment.

ELAINE: Oh, Jeffrey.

JERRY: You know Jeffery?

ELAINE : Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department.

(Helen approaches Jerry.)

HELEN: It’s raining.

(Jerry goes to the window.)

JERRY: It’s raining? It’s raining. The game will be postponed. We’ll play tomorrow.

(Back to Morty and his nephew.)

MORTY: Believe me, I wouldn’t bother you if the army hadn’t closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here.

NEPHEW: I can’t. I’ll get in trouble.

MORTY: Oh, for God’s sake!

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)

GEORGE: Who gets picked off in softball? It’s unheard of.

JERRY: It’s never happened to me before.

ELAINE: I remember saying to myself, “Why is Jerry so far off the base?”

JERRY: I’ll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.

(George consults his stat sheet of the game.)

GEORGE: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?

JERRY: I thought there were two outs.

ELAINE: I couldn’t believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.

JERRY : It was the single worst moment of my life.

GEORGE: (smiling) What about Sharon Besser?

JERRY: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three.

ELAINE: Makes you wonder, though, doesn’t it?

JERRY: Wonder about what?

ELAINE: You know... (looking up) the spirit world.

JERRY: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?

ELAINE: I never saw anyone play like that.

JERRY: But I went to the funeral.

ELAINE: Yeah, but that doesn’t make up for killin’ her.

GEORGE: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.

JERRY: Don’t you think she woulda heard I was there?

GEORGE: Not necessarily.

(Pause.)

JERRY: Who figures and immigrant’s gonna have a pony?

(Elaine laughs)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don’t use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like he’s riding a pony.) “Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Behind the barricades!” So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn’t it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... “Baltic, that’s two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, that’s it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.”

The End

S2E3 - The Jacket

Broadcast date: February 6, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lawrence Tierney ................ Alton Benes

Frantz Turner ....................... Salesman

Susanne Spoke ..................... Customer

Harry Hart-Browne ............ Manager

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can’t stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion won’t even exist. It won’t. I think eventually we’ll all be wearing the same thing. ‘Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there’s people from the future or another planet, they’re all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, “This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That’s it.” We should come up for an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, “That was nice. I could wear that.”

INT. CLOTHING STORE

(Jerry is talking to a SALESMAN. Elaine is also there, holding a book.)

JERRY : I think I’ve seen enough.

SALESMAN: Well, I might have something in the back.

(Salesman exits.)

ELAINE: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they’d put it out in the front.

JERRY: Why don’t they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, “Just Back.” All back; No front. You walk in the front, you’re immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.

(Elaine laughs. A CUSTOMER approaches, and notices the book Elaine is holding.)

CUSTOMER: Oh, I just read that. That’s terrific.

JERRY: (pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.

CUSTOMER: Alton Benes is your father?

ELAINE: Yeah.

CUSTOMER: I always felt he deserved a wider audience.

ELAINE: I’m not so sure he wants one.

(Customer exits.)

ELAINE: Hey, don’t forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o’clock.

JERRY: I guess I’m coming. I mean...

ELAINE: What? What, you don’t want to go now?

JERRY: No, I’ll go. I’m going.

ELAINE: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven’t seen my father in a while and... you know...

JERRY: I’m worried I won’t be able to talk to him. He’s such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.

ELAINE: So, that’s why we’re not together anymore.

(Jerry pulls the invisible dagger Elaine just stabbed him with, out of his back. A jacket on a rack catches his eye.)

JERRY: What is this?

(He takes the jacket off the rack.)

JERRY: This is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right.

ELAINE: Try it on.

(Jerry puts on the jacket. Elaine feels the material.)

ELAINE: Wow, this is soft suede.

JERRY: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.

(Elaine grabs the tag.)

JERRY: How much is it?

ELAINE: (shocked) Oh my God.

JERRY: Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?

ELAINE: You have no idea.

JERRY: I have some idea.

ELAINE: No idea.

JERRY: I’ve got a ballpark.

ELAINE: There is no park and the team has relocated.

JERRY: Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.

ELAINE: Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.

(Jerry opens up the jacket and looks at the lining.)

JERRY: What’s with the pink lining and the candy stripes?

ELAINE: Well, it’s just a lining. You can always have it changed.

JERRY: Should I get it? I hate these moments. I’m hearing the dual voices now, you know, “What about the money?” “What’s money?”

(The salesman returns from the back.)

SALESMAN: It looks wonderful on you.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

(Jerry is sitting on his couch wearing his new jacket over his pyjamas. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey. New jacket?

JERRY: What do you think?

KRAMER: It’s beautiful.

JERRY: Is it me?

KRAMER: That’s definitely you.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: That’s more you than you’ve ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?

JERRY: I don’t know. It’s got a pink lining.

KRAMER: Oh... So, what did you pay for this?

JERRY : I paid what it costs.

KRAMER: How much?

JERRY: What’s the difference?

KRAMER: What, you’re not gonna tell me?

JERRY: I’d rather not say it out loud. It’s embarrassing.

KRAMER: Over three hundred?

JERRY: Yes, but let’s just stop it right there.

KRAMER: It’s over four hundred?

JERRY : Really, I’m not answering anymore.

KRAMER: Is it over four hundred?

JERRY: Would you?

(Kramer finds the tag hanging off the mirror.)

KRAMER: Woah, Nelson!

JERRY: I know, I know.

(Kramer walks over to Jerry’s old jacket, hanging by the door.)

KRAMER: What are you gonna do with the leather one?

JERRY: I don’t know.

KRAMER: Well, are you gonna wear it?

JERRY: Maybe.

KRAMER: You’re not going to wear this.

JERRY: Do you want it?

KRAMER: Well, yeah. Okay. I’ll take it. I like the jacket.

(Jerry considers giving up the leather jacket.)

JERRY: Okay, take it.

KRAMER: Heey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerry’s old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry is sitting on the couch. George enters.)

GEORGE: (singing) “Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...”

JERRY: What is that song?

GEORGE: Oh, it’s from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I can’t get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I’m singin’ it on elevators, buses. I’m singin’ it in front of clients. It’s taken over my life.

JERRY: You know, Schumann went mad from that.

GEORGE: Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?

JERRY: No, you idiot.

GEORGE: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin’ me an idiot?

JERRY: You don’t know Robert Schumann? The composer?

GEORGE: Oh, Schumann. Of course.

JERRY: He went crazy from one note. He couldn’t get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.

GEORGE: Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesn’t stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Let’s just go, All right? I can’t believe we’re having dinner with Alton Benes.

JERRY: I know exactly what’s gonna happen tonight. I’m gonna try and act like I’m not impressed, he’s gonna see right through it.

GEORGE: Yeah, he’ll be looking at us like he’s backstage at a puppet show.

JERRY: Let me just get my jacket.

(Jerry enters the bedroom.)

GEORGE: (singing) : “Master of the house/Keeper of the inn...” (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?

JERRY: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it’s with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might’ve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

GEORGE: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

JERRY: Absolutely.

GEORGE: It’s fabulous.

JERRY: I know.

GEORGE: And I’ll tell you something else, I’m not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I’m not gonna ask. You’ll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores George’s questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Can’t be seven. Don’t tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you’re saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I won’t say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) I’m walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! I’ll tell you what, if you don’t say anything in the next five seconds, I’ll know it was over a thousand.

(George gets ready with his watch. Enter Kramer.)

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?

JERRY: Well, what kind of solid?

KRAMER: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it’s double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.

JERRY: Birds?

KRAMER: Yeah. A friend of mine, he’s a magician. He’s going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.

JERRY: So take a cab.

KRAMER: They won’t take a cage full of birds.

JERRY: I can’t. I’m on my way out. There’s no way I can do it.

KRAMER: George, do me a solid? Two minutes.

GEORGE: Well, I’m going with him. I’d like to... I’ve never done a ‘solid’ before.

KRAMER: All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.

(Kramer leaves.)

JERRY: (scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.

INT. HOTEL WESTBURY’S LOBBY – NIGHT

(Jerry and George enter.)

GEORGE: (singing) “Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...”

(Jerry points to his head with a “crazy” gesture.)

JERRY: Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?

GEORGE: Maybe he didn’t show up.

(George starts to leave the hotel.)

JERRY: What, you don’t want to do this?

GEORGE: I don’t think there’s ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?

JERRY: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Where’s Elaine?

GEORGE: I’m nervous.

JERRY: (to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?

ALTON: Yeah?

JERRY: I’m Jerry, Elaine’s friend, and this is George.

(George offers his hand to Alton.)

GEORGE: It’s a great thrill to meet you, Sir.

(Alton starts hacking. George withdraws his hand. Alton gestures to a couch beside the leather chair.)

ALTON: Sit down. Want a drink?

(Jerry and George sit.)

JERRY: Sure.

(Alton summons the waiter, who approaches.)

ALTON: What’ll you have?

JERRY: (to waiter) I’ll have a cranberry juice with two limes.

GEORGE: And, I’ll have a club soda with no ice.

BENES: I’ll have another Scotch with plenty of ice.

(The waiter exits.)

GEORGE: You like ice?

ALTON: Huh?

GEORGE: I said, do you like ice?

ALTON: Like it?

GEORGE: Don’t you think you get more without it?

ALTON: Where’s Elaine?

JERRY: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She’s usually pretty punctual. Don’t you find that, George?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. She’s punctual... and uh she’s been late, sometimes.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she’s on time, and... sometimes she’s late.

GEORGE: I guess... (chuckles) today she’s late.

JERRY: It appears that way.

GEORGE: Yup.

JERRY: Yup.

(Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine’s arrival.)

ALTON: Looks like rain.

GEORGE: I know, I know, that’s what they said.

ALTON: Who said?

GEORGE: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.

ALTON: I don’t need anybody to tell me it’s gonna rain.

GEORGE: No, of course not. I didn’t-

ALTON: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which one’s suppose to be the funny guy?

GEORGE: (pointing at Jerry) Oh, he’s the comedian.

JERRY: I’m just a regular person.

GEORGE: No, no. He’s just being modest.

ALTON: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There’s nothing funny about that.

(Jerry and George turn to the door again. Pause. Jerry gets up.)

JERRY: Would you excuse me a minute? I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.

(George holds on to Jerry’s jacket, but he pulls away and exits. George is alone with Alton.)

GEORGE: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.

ALTON: Drivel.

GEORGE: Yea, well, maybe some parts.

ALTON: (defensive) What parts?

GEORGE: The... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized – I have to make a phone call. I-I can’t believe- Would you-

(George leaves.)

INT. HOTEL WESTBURY’S BATHROOM – CONTINUING

(Jerry is washing his face. George enters.)

GEORGE: Thank you for leaving me alone with him!

JERRY: That was brutal. I can’t go back out there.

GEORGE: Well, let’s just leave.

JERRY: Elaine’ll kill me.

GEORGE: Where is she?

JERRY: She’s gotta be here soon.

GEORGE: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that’s it! I’m leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.

JERRY: The waiter was trembling!

GEORGE: If she doesn’t show up, we can’t possibly have dinner with him alone.

JERRY: How are we gonna get out of it?

GEORGE: We’ll say we’re frightened and we have to go home.

JERRY: Yeah, that’s good. He’d clunk our heads together like Moe.

GEORGE: I don’t know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He’ll understand that.

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: All fathers are intimidating. They’re intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, “To hell with the world, I can make my own people. I’ll eat whatever I want, I’ll wear whatever I want, and I’ll create whoever I want.”

INT. HOTEL WESTBURY’S LOBBY – NIGHT

(Jerry and George return from the bathroom.)

ALTON: (to George) Who’d you call?

GEORGE: (improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.

ALTON: What kind of operation?

GEORGE: Bone marrow.

(The hotel’s MANAGER approaches.)

MANAGER: Mister Benes?

ALTON: Yes?

MANAGER: A message for you.

(The manager hands him a message written on a piece of paper. Alton reads it to himself.)

ALTON: From Elaine. She got tied up. She’ll be here in thirty minutes.

(Jerry and George freeze.)

INT. HOTEL LOBBY – LATER

(Alton is in the middle of a rant.)

ALTON: Yeah, they should’ve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in ‘fifty-three.

JERRY: Well, Guatamala...

GEORGE: Sure, Guatamala...

(Alton gets up.)

ALTON: All right, you boys get yourselves together. We’ll head up to the restaurant. I’ll leave a note for Elaine. I’m going to the bathroom.

(Alton exits.)

GEORGE: Come on, let’s go!

JERRY: What about Elaine?

GEORGE: To hell with Elaine!

JERRY: She’ll be furious.

GEORGE: We’re dying here!

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY: That’s her! She’s here!

ELAINE: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Where is Dad?

GEORGE: (contemptuously, imitating Alton’s voice) He’s in the bathroom.

JERRY: (to Elaine) Where have you been?!

ELAINE: Kramer! That... Kramer! I’m just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...

JERRY: Oh, you didn’t...

ELAINE: Well, he said he’d drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesn’t come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. He’s a city marshal. He’s towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, we’re wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we’re running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Alton’s chair and takes a deep breath.) So how’s everything going over here?

JERRY: Great.

GEORGE: Couldn’t be better.

ELAINE: Good. ‘Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.

JERRY: Oh, no, no.

GEORGE: Get outta here..

ELAINE: Man, Kramer! I could kill him!

JERRY: I can’t believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.

ELAINE : He said he’d give me a lift.

JERRY: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren’s song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?

GEORGE: Where do you come up with this stuff?

(Alton returns.)

ALTON: Well, look who’s here.

ELAINE: Oh, hi, Dad.

ALTON: Hello, dear.

(Alton kisses Elaine.)

ALTON: Who’s the lipstick for?

ELAINE: No one.

ALTON: How’s your mother?

ELAINE: Fine.

ALTON: How about you? Are you working?

ELAINE: Yeah, I’m reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.

ALTON: Pendant! Those bastards. Well all right, boys. We’ll go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You’re not afraid of a little spice, are you?

(They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a little.)

GEORGE: (singing) “Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open...”

ALTON: Pipe down, chorus boy.

(Alton glares; George gets embarrassed. Elaine looks out the window.)

ELAINE: Ohh... it’s snowing. It’s beautiful.

JERRY: (to George) Snow. Snow, that can’t be good for suede, can it?

GEORGE: I wouldn’t think so.

JERRY: What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, we’re taking a cab, aren’t we?

ALTON: Cab? It’s only five blocks.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Why don’t you just turn it inside out?

JERRY: Inside out! Great.

(Jerry turns his jacket inside out, exposing the pink stripes. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel.)

ALTON: Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this?

JERRY: Oh, I turned my jacket inside out.

ALTON: Well, you look like a damn fool!

JERRY: Well, it’s a new suede jacket. It might get ruined.

ALTON: Well, you’re not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. That’s for damn sure.

(Jerry looks to George.)

GEORGE: It’s uh, it's only a few blocks.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Jerry is heading out. The intercom buzzes. Jerry presses the first button.)

JERRY: (to the intercom) Elaine?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Come on up.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: I’ve gotta feed the birds.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: You got any of those mini Ritzes?

(Jerry reaches up, and pulls some mini Ritzes from atop his refrigerator. He examines the box.)

JERRY: I can’t believe I do.

KRAMER: Yeah! Well, are you going out?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Hey, where’s your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. It’s ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?

JERRY: I was out in the snow last night.

KRAMER: Don’t you know what that does to suede?

JERRY: I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.

ELAINE: Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.

JERRY: Is he still in town?

ELAINE: No, he’s driving back to Maryland tonight.

(Kramer is holding a sleeve of the suede jacket.)

KRAMER: So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?

JERRY: I don’t know.

KRAMER: (smiling) Well...

ELAINE: (to Jerry) I didn’t want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: You gonna throw this out?

JERRY: Well, I can’t wear it.

ELAINE: Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Well, if you’re just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.

JERRY: Yeah, go ahead, take it.

ELAINE: Dad thinks George is gay.

JERRY: Oh, because of all the singing?

ELAINE: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

(Kramer returns from the bathroom, wearing the ruined suede jacket.)

KRAMER: Hey, see, I like it like this.

(Elaine points at the jacket Kramer is wearing.)

ELAINE: Isn’t that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you should’ve done? You should’ve turned it inside out.

JERRY: I’ll try and remember that.

(Kramer is holding Jerry’s old leather jacket.)

KRAMER: Boy, it’s too bad you gave me this one too.

JERRY: Yeah, too bad.

(Kramer opens up the suede jacket.)

KRAMER: I’m gonna have to do something about this lining.

(Kramer exits.)

INT. ALTON’S CAR – NIGHT

(Alton is driving home.)

ALTON: (singing) “Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm...”

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don’t get this. Aren’t cows outside most of the time? I don’t understand it. When it’s raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in, we’re all wearin’ leather. Open the door! We’re gonna ruin the whole outfit here!” “Is it suede?” “I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can’t have this cleaned. It’s all I got!”

The End

S2E4 - The Phone Message

Broadcast date: February 13, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tory Polone ......................... Carol

Gretchen German ................Donn

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? “We have soda, we have soda, we have soda”, jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It’s a can of soda! Have you ever been standing there and you’re watching TV and you’re drinking the exact same product that they’re advertising right there on TV, and it’s like, you know, they’re spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and I’m standing there, “Maybe I’m putting too much ice in mine.”

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(George and Jerry enter.)

GEORGE: (excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don’t know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they’re psychotic or something and I don’t know if I’m supposed to smile back, I don’t know what to do. So I just stood there like – remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That’s what I looked like.

JERRY: So you didn’t ask?

GEORGE: No, I froze.

(Jerry points to the coffee shop’s counter.)

JERRY: Counter.

(Jerry and George sit down at the counter.)

GEORGE: Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I’m back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says, “So why don’t you call her?” I says, “I can’t.” I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.

JERRY: He said wuss?

GEORGE: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.

JERRY: So you called.

GEORGE: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.

JERRY: Yeah. Like a farm boy.

GEORGE: Right. So I call her up, I tell her it’s me, she gives me an enthusiastic ‘Hi!’

JERRY: Wow. The enthusiastic hi. That’s beautiful.

GEORGE: Oh, I don’t get the enthusiastic hi, I’m outta there.

JERRY: All right, so you’re chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... Go ahead.

GEORGE: So, we’re talking, and I don’t like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, “What are you doing Saturday night?”

JERRY: And?

GEORGE: She bought.

JERRY: Great day in the morning.

GEORGE: Then I got off the phone right away.

JERRY: Sure, it’s like robbing a bank. You don’t loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out.

GEORGE: It’s amazing. We, we both have dates on the same night. I can’t remember the last time that happened.

INT. GEORGE’S CAR – SATURDAY NIGHT

(George and his date, Carol, are parked outside Carol’s building.)

GEORGE: I can’t stand doing laundry. That’s why I have forty pairs of underwear.

CAROL: You do not.

GEORGE: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

(They both laugh.)

INT. JERRY’S CAR – SATURDAY NIGHT

(Jerry and his date, DONNA are parked outside Donna’s building.)

JERRY: (in an attempted Scottish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.

DONNA: That’s Irish.

JERRY: Irish, Scottish, what’s the difference, lassie?

(Donna laughs.)

INT. GEORGE’S CAR – CONTINUED

CAROL: So, uh, thanks for dinner. It was great.

GEORGE: Yeah. (clears his throat) We should do this again.

CAROL: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?

GEORGE: Oh, no, thanks. I can’t drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.

CAROL: (confused by his response) So, um, okay.

GEORGE: Okay.

CAROL: Goodnight.

GEORGE: Yeah, take it easy.

(Carol exits the car. George realizes what he has done and slaps his forehead in disgust.)

INT. JERRY’S CAR – CONTINUED

DONNA: Thanks again for the movie.

JERRY: You’re welcome.

DONNA: I’d invite you up, but the place is being painted.

JERRY: Oh, that’s okay.

DONNA: Unless you want to go to your place.

JERRY: Okay... but there’s no cake or anything, if that’s what you’re looking for.

INT. GEORGE’S CAR (MOVING) – CONTINUED

GEORGE: (frustrated) Take it easy! Huh! Take it easy!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Jerry and Donna sit on the sofa.)

JERRY: I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It’s common courtesy. I don’t know. That’s just the way I was brought up.

DONNA: Values are very important.

JERRY: Oh, so important. So what are you doing uh Thursday night? You wanna have dinner?

DONNA: Thursday’s great.

(Pause. Jerry looks down at his pants.)

JERRY: Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don’t feel comfortable in them.

DONNA: Are those Cotton Dockers?

JERRY: Oh, I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.

DONNA: Really? I like that commercial.

(Donna gets closer and more comfortable leaning on Jerry. Jerry Pauses thinking about what she said)

JERRY: You like that commercial?

DONNA: Yeah, it’s clever.

JERRY: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?

DONNA: Yeah, that’s the one.

JERRY: What could you possibly like about that?

DONNA: I don’t know. I like the, guys.

JERRY: Yeah, they’re so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

DONNA : Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.

(After Jerry sits back again, Donna continues get more comfortable in Jerry's arms. Jerry pauses.)

JERRY: Even if the dialogue did ring true. (Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn’t that bother you?

DONNA: (annoyed) That’s the idea. That’s what’s clever about it, that they’re not talking about the pants.

JERRY: But they’re talking about nothing.

DONNA: That’s the point.

JERRY: I know the point.

DONNA: No one is telling you to like it.

JERRY: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry and looks at her watch.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: What’s brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy’ll be like, “I don’t think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?” And of course the woman’s looking at the guy, thinking, “What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry and Elaine are talking.)

JERRY: I’m supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial?

ELAINE: I once broke up with a guy because he didn’t keep his bathroom clean enough.

JERRY: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there – they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag.)

ELAINE: Hi.

(George produces a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and box of bicarb (sic) from bag, placing them on counter.)

JERRY: You’re still thinking about this?

GEORGE: She invites me up at twelve o’clock at night, for coffee, and I don’t go up. “No thank you. I don’t want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.” I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live. I can’t imagine what she must think of me.

JERRY: She thinks you’re a guy that doesn’t like coffee.

GEORGE: She invited me up. Coffee’s not coffee, coffee is sex.

ELAINE: Maybe coffee was coffee.

GEORGE: Coffee’s coffee in the morning. It’s not coffee at twelve o’clock at night.

ELAINE: Well some people drink coffee that late.

GEORGE: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who’re on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great. She was laughing, I was funny... I kept saying to myself, “Keep it up, don’t blow it, you’re doing great.”

ELAINE: It’s all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.

GEORGE: I can’t call her now. It’s too soon. I’m planning a Wednesday call.

ELAINE: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

GEORGE: Of course you do, but you’re imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, “Oh no, I don’t drink coffee late at night.” If I call her now, she’s gonna think I’m too needy. Women don’t wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy – a colonel, a Kaiser, a tsar.

ELAINE: All she’ll think is that you like her.

GEORGE: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!

ELAINE: Well, she wants you to like her.

GEORGE: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me. But she doesn’t like me!

ELAINE: I don’t know what your parents did to you.

(Kramer enters and addresses Jerry.)

KRAMER: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you’re up there, you’re on the stage and you go, “Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone’s in a life-and-death situation, and we’re thinking, “Well, sorry buddy, you should’ve thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.”

(Elaine laughs. Jerry humors Kramer with a smile.)

KRAMER: So you gonna use it?

JERRY : I don’t think so.

KRAMER: It’s funny.

ELAINE: It is funny.

JERRY: I like to use my own material.

KRAMER: That’s as good as anything you do.

GEORGE: All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.

JERRY: Why do we have to leave?

GEORGE: Because I can’t call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, let’s go.

ELAINE: Oh, see, this is the problem.

JERRY: You’re kicking me out of my house?

GEORGE: Yes.

(Jerry exits. Elaine is in the doorway.)

ELAINE: (encouraging) Don’t forget.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) Right, alright. (to Jerry) Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?

JERRY: Don’t do the apples. It’s enough already with the apples.

(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry exit. George removes his jacket and dials the phone.)

CAROL: (from the phone; a recorded message) Hi, it’s Carol, I’ll get back to you.

(A beep follows.)

GEORGE: Um, hi, it’s George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didn’t come up for coffee. You see, I didn’t realise that coffee didn’t really mean... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... You call me back. If you want. It’s up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The ball’s in your court. So uh, take it easy.

(George hangs up. Jerry enters.)

JERRY: I’m just gonna get my jacket, I’ll meet you downstairs. What’s the matter, did you call?

(Elaine enters.)

GEORGE: Got her machine. I’m dead, I’m a dead man. That’s it. I’m dead, I’m a dead man. Dead man.

JERRY: What did you say?

GEORGE: I don’t know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and there’s nothing I can do. It’s a machine. The little light is blinking right now, “Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot’s on!”

JERRY: After one date you try and improvise on her machine?

GEORGE: Now I’m in the worst position of all.

ELAINE: Y’know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy’s machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn’t supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guy’s house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.

GEORGE: He did that?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Somebody did that?

JERRY: She’ll call you back. You’re overreacting.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(Jerry is in the kitchen. Donna is on the other side of the counter.)

JERRY: Not once.

DONNA: Never?

JERRY: I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life, ever.

DONNA: That’s amazing.

JERRY: Thank you.

DONNA: Is there anything else about you I should know?

JERRY: Yes, I’m lactose intolerant.

DONNA: Really?

JERRY: I have no patience for lactose. And I won’t stand for it. Um, I’ll be right back.

(Jerry goes to the bathroom. George bursts into the apartment.)

GEORGE: Wait till you hear this! (George sees Donna and no Jerry.) Whoa, ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t, I had no idea.

(He goes to leave.)

DONNA: Wait, wait. He’s in the bathroom.

GEORGE: I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I’ll come back.

DONNA: You don’t have to leave.

GEORGE: You sure?

DONNA: Yes.

GEORGE: Okay.

DONNA: I’m Donna.

GEORGE: Donna. Oh, you’re the one that likes that commercial!

DONNA: He told you about that?

GEORGE: (back-pedalling) No, he, he didn’t actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial – in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything. He never discusses anything. He’s, he’s like a clam. You’re not gonna mention this, to him...

(Jerry re-enters.)

DONNA: (to Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I’m not hip because I like that commercial.

JERRY: What? (to George) What did, what did you say?

GEORGE: Say? What? Nothing, I...

DONNA: You told him how I like the commercial.

JERRY: Well, so what if I said that?

DONNA: Well, so, you didn’t have to tell your friends.

JERRY: No, I had to tell my friends – my friends didn’t have to tell you.

GEORGE: (to Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?

DONNA: I don’t like you talking about me with your friends behind my back.

GEORGE: Boy oh boy.

JERRY: I said I couldn’t believe you liked that commercial. So what?

DONNA: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.

JERRY: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Oh uh, Kramer, this is Donna.

KRAMER: Oh. Cotton Dockers!

GEORGE: Hello! All right, we should be going. Come on...

(George grabs Kramer.)

KRAMER: What? Where are we going?

GEORGE: Come on!

DONNA: Don’t bother, I’m leaving.

JERRY: Donna, really, you’re making too much of this.

KRAMER: “One hundred percent Cotton Dockers. If they’re not Dockers, they’re just pants”

JERRY: Please, Donna...

DONNA: I don’t wanna hear it.

(Donna leaves.)

GEORGE: I can’t believe I said that. You know me, I’m a vault.

JERRY: Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t working anyway.

KRAMER: What happened there?

JERRY: I’ll tell you later.

GEORGE: You are not gonna believe what’s going on with this woman.

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(George and Jerry sat at a booth.)

GEORGE: Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn’t call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, “I know you’re there, I don’t know what your story is.” Yesterday, I’m a volcano – I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, “Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don’t call me back for four days? I don’t like coffee, I don’t have to come up. I’d like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face.”

JERRY: You said that?

GEORGE: I lost it.

JERRY: I can’t blame you. I can’t believe she never called you back.

GEORGE: She did. Today.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: She called my office. She said she’s been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didn’t know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and she’s been using her old machine and she doesn’t have the beeper for it.

JERRY: So she didn’t get the messages.

GEORGE: Exactly, but they’re on there – waiting. She said she can’t wait to see me, we’re having dinner tonight. She’s supposed to call me as soon as she gets home.

JERRY: But what about the messages?

(George produces cassette tape from pocket.)

JERRY: Elaine’s thing? How you gonna get in?

GEORGE: I’ll meet her outside the building.

JERRY: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she’s going right for that machine.

GEORGE: Unless she goes for the bathroom. That’s my only chance. (George crumbles. He drops the cassette on the table.) Who am I kidding? I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I don’t even know how to work those stupid machines.

JERRY: There’s nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out.

GEORGE: You do it for me.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Come on, it’ll be so much easier.

JERRY: How you gonna get me up there?

GEORGE: I’ll tell her I bumped into you, I’m giving you a ride uptown.

JERRY: And who makes the switch?

GEORGE: You do.

JERRY: I do.

GEORGE : I can’t do it. I’ll, I’ll keep her busy.

JERRY: I can’t get involved in this.

GEORGE: I think I may be in love with this woman.

JERRY: What if she sees me?

GEORGE: Oh, you are such a wuss.

JERRY: A wuss?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Did you call me a wuss?

EXT. CAROL’S BUILDING – NIGHT

(George and Jerry are sitting on a low wall beside the door to the building.)

GEORGE: Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.

JERRY: I got one problem. You’re keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she’s coming.

GEORGE: A signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, I’ll call out tippy-toe!

JERRY: Tippy Toe? I don’t think so.

GEORGE: You don’t like tippy toe?

JERRY: No tippy toe.

GEORGE: All right, uh, okay, I got it, um, I’ll sing.

JERRY: What song?

GEORGE: “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”

JERRY: What is that?

GEORGE: Oh, it’s a lovely song. (singing) “How do you solve a problem like Maria?...”

JERRY: Anything else?

GEORGE: You pick it.

JERRY: “Lemon Tree.”

GEORGE: Peter, Paul and Mary.

JERRY: No, Trini Lopez.

JERRY & GEORGE: (singing) “Lemon tree, very pretty and a lemon flower...”

GEORGE: Alright ok. You got the tape?

(Jerry takes out two different sizes of cassettes.)

JERRY: Standard. Micro.

GEORGE: How do you feel? Confident?

JERRY: Feel good.

GEORGE: You nervous?

JERRY: Not at all.

GEORGE: Get up, get up, it’s her! Oh, the hell with this, I’m scared to death, just walk away, it’s off, cancel everything, go!

(Carol enters.)

CAROL: Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home.

GEORGE: I, I couldn’t wait. I was too anxious to see you.

CAROL: Oh, that’s so sweet.

GEORGE: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn’t that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time.

JERRY: All the time.

CAROL: It’s nice to meet you.

JERRY: Hi.

CAROL: So, I’m starving. Where are we gonna eat?

GEORGE: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home.

CAROL: Okay. Let’s go, I’m ready, where’d you park?

GEORGE: Don’t you wanna go upstairs first?

CAROL: No, what for? I’ll just give my bag to the doorman.

JERRY: You know, I really need to use the bathroom.

CAROL: Oh well there’s a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door.

GEORGE: Yes, yes, but uh, I have to make a call, so...

CAROL: Well they have a phone.

(George takes Carol aside.)

GEORGE: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs.

CAROL: (aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine.

GEORGE: Right, right.

(They enter her building.)

INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT – CONTINUING

(Carol, Jerry and George enter.)

CAROL: The bathroom’s on the hall to the right.

JERRY: Uh, you know, why don’t you go first, you just had a long trip.

CAROL: No, I’m fine.

JERRY: Um, you know, it’s the damnedest thing. It went away.

CAROL: Oh, that’s weird.

GEORGE: No, no that can happen. I’ve, uh, I’ve read about that in medical journals. It’s a freak thing, but...

CAROL: Well, let me just check my messages, and we’ll go.

GEORGE: Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now?

CAROL: Sure.

GEORGE: Please, this is very, very important.

(George leads her to another room. Jerry goes over and lifts the lid of the machine.)

GEORGE: (from other room) Uh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!

(Carol reappears, followed by George.)

CAROL: (to Jerry) Now I know who you are! You’re a comedian. I’ve seen you, it’s driving me crazy.

JERRY: Right. I am.

GEORGE: Carol, that’s so rude. Please, I’m serious, just for a moment, if you wouldn’t mind. And then we’ll talk to Jerry.

(George leads Carol back out. Jerry switches the tapes.)

JERRY: (calls) Hey you two. I’m ready to go.

(George and Carol return.)

CAROL: That’s what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Don’t you find that strange?

JERRY: Yes.

CAROL: Well, I’ll just check my machine and we’ll go.

(She lifts the lid of the machine, and drops it.)

CAROL: No, nothing here, let’s go. (Carol, George and Jerry head for the door. Carol opens it.) Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone.

GEORGE: Oh, uh...

CAROL: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.

(Carol exits. Jerry laughs acidly while looking at George. They exit as well.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry in on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to, I could go, “Excuse me, I’m not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away.” I also have a cordless phone, but I don’t like that as much, because you can’t slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone – “You can’t talk to me like that!” Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone – “You can’t talk to me like that!”

(Jerry searches for the ‘off’ button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly.) “I told him!”

The End

S2E5 - The Apartment

Broadcast date: April 4, 1991

Written By Peter Mehlman

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tony Plana ........................... Manny

Glenn Shadix ........................ Harold

Jeanine Jackson .................... Roxanne

Leslie Neale .......................... Rita

Theresa Randle ..................... Janice

Patricia Amaye Thomson ...... Susie

Melody Ryane ...................... Joanne

David Blackwood ................ Stan

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: Well, I painted my apartment again. I’ve been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it’s a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it’s just the thickness of the paint, but I’m aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every-time I paint it, it’s closer and closer. I don’t even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That’s where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... That’s why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That’s why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. His hair is slicked back.)

JERRY: What did you do?

KRAMER: Mousse. I moussed up.

ELAINE: I guess it was just a matter of time.

KRAMER: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?

JERRY: Well, looks are so subjective.

ELAINE: I don’t mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.

KRAMER: (annoyed that he forgot) Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that!

ELAINE: She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.

JERRY: Maybe.

(A loud argument can be heard in the hallway between HAROLD and MANNY, the building supervisors.

HAROLD: (O.S.) No, I’m not going up there.

(Manny screams out something in Spanish.)

JERRY: (to Elaine) Harold and Manny.

INT. BUILDING’S HALLWAY – CONTINUING

(Harold and Manny are arguing.)

HAROLD: I’m not going.

(Manny says something in Spanish. Jerry enters the hallway.)

JERRY: Boys, boys.

HAROLD: Oh, Jerry.

JERRY: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?

HAROLD: Yeah, yeah... Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker’s apartment?

MANNY: (in Spanish) You can't give him anything from there!

HAROLD: I was only joking. (to Jerry) He thinks I’m gonna give you Mrs. Hudwalker’s things.

MANNY: (in Spanish) You offered them to him.

HAROLD: (to Jerry) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. It’s a good thing her rent was overdue. She’d be rotting up there for a month.

JERRY: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?

HAROLD: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn’t have her wig on. It was horrifying.

MANNY: (in Spanish) Harold, Come on, hurry up!

HAROLD: (to Manny) What’s the matter with you? I’m talking! So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?

JERRY: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?

HAROLD: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says hello to me.

JERRY: It’s not promised to anybody? ‘Cause she’d take it in a second.

HAROLD: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.

MANNY: (in spanish) What do you mean deported? It was a misunderstanding with the Department of Immigration.

HAROLD: What’s the difference? It’s true!

JERRY: So, it’s okay? I could just tell her she can have it?

HAROLD: Sure, sure. She’s getting a bargain, too. It’s only four hundred dollars a month.

MANNY: (in Spanish) Four hundred dollars? What are you nuts? Someone will pay more.

HAROLD: Okay...

(Manny keeps talking in Spanish.)

HAROLD: Okay!

(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way. Kramer models his new hairdo for the boys.)

KRAMER: Hey, Harold, what do you think?

HAROLD: Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.

MANNY: (in Spanish) It looks worse.

KRAMER: (not understanding him) Hey, thanks.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry enters.)

ELAINE: What was that all about?

JERRY: (coyly) Oh, nothing important.

ELAINE: What’s going on? What is that look?

JERRY: What look? Nothing.

ELAINE: Something’s going on here.

JERRY: I don’t know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I can’t decide.

ELAINE: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C’mon. Cough it up.

JERRY: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am – rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give...

ELAINE: Would you please?

JERRY: What would you say if I told you that...

(Jerry lets his words hang in the air.)

ELAINE: Told me what?!

JERRY: ...I got you an apartment in this building.

ELAINE: (dumbfounded) No.

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: You didn’t.

JERRY: I did.

ELAINE: You got me an apartment in the building?!

JERRY: I got you an apartment in the building.

ELAINE: How did you...

JERRY: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: She died.

ELAINE: (thrilled) She died?!

JERRY: She died.

ELAINE: She died!

JERRY: And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!

ELAINE: Get out!

(Elaine pushes Jerry with both hands. Jerry stumbles back.)

ELAINE: Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!

JERRY: Four hundred a month.

ELAINE: And I’ll be right upstairs?

JERRY: Right upstairs.

ELAINE: Right above you?

JERRY: Right above me.

ELAINE: Oh, we’re neighbors. I’ll be here all the time!

(Jerry is starting to regret his actions.)

JERRY: All the time.

ELAINE: (overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!

JERRY: All the time.

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you’re always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You’re out somewhere with people, “Gee, you look pregnant.. are you?” “Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that’s not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let’s take this whole scene again. People, think about what you’re saying!”

INT. MONK’S DINER – NIGHT

(George pays his bill at the cashier.)

GEORGE: Thanks, see you later, Donna.

(George walks outside.)

EXT. MONK’S DINER – CONTINUING

(George runs into Jerry outside the restaurant.)

GEORGE: What happened to you?

JERRY: You can’t believe what I just did.

GEORGE: What? What did you do?

JERRY: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn’t believe it. It’s not believable.

GEORGE: What did you do?

JERRY: How could I have done that?

GEORGE: Done what?

JERRY: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She’s going to move in.

GEORGE: Elaine’s moving into your building?

JERRY: Yes. Right above me.

GEORGE: Right above you?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: You’re gonna be neighbors.

JERRY: I know. Neighbors.

GEORGE: She’s right above you?

JERRY: Right above me.

GEORGE: How could you do that?

JERRY: ‘Cause I’m an idiot! You may think you’re an idiot, but with all due respect, I’m a much bigger idiot than you are.

GEORGE: Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.

JERRY: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?

GEORGE: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Pocono’s?

JERRY: She’s right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I’m gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

GEORGE: You’re doomed. You’re gonna have to have all your sex at women’s apartments. It’ll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.

JERRY: But I need the home bed advantage.

GEORGE: Of course. We all do.

JERRY: Come in for two minutes and sit with me.

GEORGE: I was just in there. It’s embarrassing.

JERRY: Oh, who’s gonna know?

GEORGE: They saw me walk out.

JERRY: Two minutes.

(Jerry opens the door. George gestures to the people in the window of the coffee shop that he has no choice. They enter.)

INT. MONK’S DINER – LATER

(Jerry and George are at a booth.)

JERRY: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don’t make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee. And in that second ruined my life.

GEORGE: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.

JERRY: So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?

GEORGE: Tough.

JERRY: You know, the water pressure’s terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower.

GEORGE: I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.

JERRY: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.

GEORGE: For that rent, she’d take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

(There’s a woman at the counter feeding her kid, who sits in a stroller.)

JERRY: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn’t that child abuse?

GEORGE: I’d like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?

JERRY: Yeah, the guy with the flat head.

GEORGE: He’s a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since he’s been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.

JERRY: Yeah, I’ve heard that about wedding bands.

GEORGE: I wonder if that’s really true.

JERRY: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father’s band. He’d loan it to you.

(George laughs at the idea)

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY – DAY

(Outside Kramer’s apartment. George has Kramer’s father’s band on. Kramer is in the doorway.)

GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I’ll give it back to you in a week.

KRAMER: You know, I don’t even know why you’re fooling around with this ring. I’ve been telling you, get yourself some plugs. Or a piece.

GEORGE: I’m not doing that.

KRAMER: Oh, man. You know, you’re crazy. You’re a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?

GEORGE: No, I’ll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.

(Harold and Manny are arguing down the hall.)

HAROLD: I told you I don’t like these sponges, they’re too small! I want a big sponge!

(Manny yells in Spanish.)

HAROLD: You can’t pick up anything with these! There’s no absorption!

(Manny yells in Spanish. Jerry exits his apartment.)

JERRY: Boys, boys.

HAROLD: Hi, Jerry.

MANNY: Hello, Jerry. (in spanish to Harold) You tell him.

HAROLD: Okay

MANNY: (in spanish to Harold again) You tell him.

HAROLD: Your friend can’t have the apartment, Jerry.

JERRY: What?

HAROLD: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I don’t want to do it. Manny wants to do it.

MANNY: (in spanish) Why are you telling him it's my fault?

HAROLD: Because it’s true! Why shouldn’t I tell him?

JERRY: Hey, hey. I understand. You’re businessmen.

MANNY: (in spanish) Tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment.

HAROLD: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, we’ll give it to her.

JERRY: Well, that’s a lot of money. But, if that’s the way it’s gotta be, that’s the way it’s gotta be.

(Jerry returns to his own apartment.)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(George is there. Jerry enters.)

JERRY: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

GEORGE: What happened to you?

JERRY: Religion, my friend, that’s what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it’s going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.

GEORGE: (jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesn’t have five thousand dollars!

JERRY: Of course she doesn’t have five thousand dollars!

GEORGE: So, she can’t get the apartment.

JERRY: Can’t get it.

GEORGE: So, she doesn’t move in.

JERRY: No move. So, you see, it’s all part of a divine plan.

GEORGE: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

(The intercom buzzes. Jerry presses the first button.)

JERRY: (to the intercom) Elaine?

ELAINE: Yeah.

(Jerry opens his door.)

JERRY: (to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I’m disappointed. You’re going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.

GEORGE: Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

JERRY: ‘Cause you know, I love Elaine.

GEORGE: Of course you do.

JERRY: But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.

(Elaine appears in the doorway.)

ELAINE: (to someone in the hallway) No, I’ll be seeing you. (She enters the apartment; singing) "Good morning, good morning..” (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it’s great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above?

(George looks at Jerry then head into the other room.)

ELAINE: Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last month’s security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.

JERRY: Well... there’s a little bit of a problem.

ELAINE: Oh, I know. There’s a weak shower spray, I know. I’ve already thought about it, and I’m switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, “Why stand when you can sit?” Maybe I’ll get some rubber duckies.

JERRY: Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. I’m sure they’d just as soon give it to you, but you’d have to come up with that money.

ELAINE: Five thousand dollars? I don’t have five thousand dollars.

JERRY: I know.

ELAINE: (disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars?

JERRY: I have no idea.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: (to Elaine) Hey, my new neighbor!

ELAINE: I’m not moving in.

KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: They want five thousand dollars now.

KRAMER: So, okay uh what’s the problem?

ELAINE: I don’t have five thousand dollars.

KRAMER: C’mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you don’t have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.

JERRY: Yeah, well, I didn’t- Is that something you want to borrow?

ELAINE: No, that’s too much money to borrow.

KRAMER: Loan her the money. You can afford it.

JERRY: She doesn’t wanna borrow the money.

KRAMER: Oh, c’mon. She’ll pay you back. What’s five grand between friends?

ELAINE: Of course I’d pay you back..

KRAMER: Yeah, so what’s the problem?

JERRY: Who said there’s a problem?

KRAMER: Hey see He said he’d loan you the money.

ELAINE: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?

(Jerry opens his mouth.)

KRAMER: That’s okay. He doesn’t care.

ELAINE: Well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends.

(Jerry opens his mouth.)

KRAMER: Get outta here.

ELAINE: Let me think about it.

KRAMER: What’s to think about?

ELAINE: I don’t know... I don’t know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it.

(She leaves.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Where’s she gonna get five thousand? She doesn’t have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. She’s gone. Then you come in, “Why don’t you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You’ve got five thousand. Give her five thousand!”

KRAMER: You didn’t want her in the building?

JERRY: No, I didn’t!

KRAMER: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she won’t take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it.

JERRY: People don’t turn down money. It’s what separates us from the animals.

KRAMER: I still don’t understand what the problem is having her in the building.

JERRY: Let me explain something to you. You see, you’re not normal. You’re a great guy, I love you, but you’re a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn’t understand.

KRAMER: Because I’m a pod?

(George returns from Jerry’s bedroom just as Elaine returns.)

ELAINE: I’ll take it!

(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry’s room.)

INT. ROXANNE’S APARTMENT

(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and George. Roxanne greets them.)

ROXANNE: Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry.

(Jerry and George greet Roxanne.)

JERRY: Hi

ELAINE: Jerry’s the one who got me my new apartment.

ROXANNE: So, you’re Elaine’s hero.

JERRY: Yes, it’s my life’s work.

ROXANNE: There are so few true heroes left in this world.

GEORGE: Yeah, my wife couldn’t make it today. She’s got something with her mother... Who knows what’s going on with her. Don’t let any one kid you, it’s tough.

(George goes off to mingle.)

JERRY: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.

(Jerry starts selecting food from the tables.)

ROXANNE: Oh, the marathon is great, isn’t it?

JERRY: Oh, yes. Particularly if you’re not in it.

ROXANNE: I wish we had a view of the finish line.

JERRY: What’s to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.

(George is talking to a woman, RITA by the couch.)

GEORGE: ...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. I’m tellin’ you, it’s one thing after another.

RITA: Is she here?

GEORGE: Uh no no, she’s working.

RITA: What does she do?

GEORGE: She’s an... etymologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats. W-What about you?

RITA: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It’s great! I can get free tickets to any sporting in New York. Anyway, she’s a very luck woman. Enjoy the race.

(The woman leaves.)

GEORGE: (calling after her) But..

(STAN and JOANNE enter the apartment.)

ROXANNE: Hi Stan. Joanne.

ELAINE: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They’re in my short story class with Roxanne and me.

JERRY: Hi how are ya?

ELAINE: Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building!

JOANNE: Well, Jerry, it’ll be nice having a close friend nearby.

JERRY: (no amused) Fantastic.

STAN: She can pop in whenever she wants.

JERRY: I know.

JOANNE: She doesn’t even need to knock!

JERRY: It’s tremendous.

STAN: Anytime of day.

JERRY: I’m in heaven.

ELAINE: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He’s the one who got me the apartment.

RITA: Oh, hi. (calling to someone) Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.

(George is talking to another woman, SUSIE whom he sits next to on the couch.)

GEORGE: I’m sorry, I don’t see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, what’s so hard?

(The both laugh.)

SUSIE: So uh, are you really married? Because, I’ve actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women.

GEORGE: (laughs) You’d have to be a real loser to try something like that.

SUSIE: That’s too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses.

(Susie shrugs, smiles, then leaves George’s side.)

RITA: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!

(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put.)

ELAINE: (to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?

JERRY: Oh, I wouldn’t quite say that.

ELAINE: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.

JERRY: I’m a guy – it always looks like that.

ELAINE: Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y’know... cramp our styles?

JERRY: Nah...

ELAINE: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But, as long as you’re okay with it, it’s fine with me.

(Jerry opens his mouth to say something, but Elaine leaves. George is now sitting beside JANICE.)

JANICE: I’ve never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It’s a shame you’re married.

(Janice gets up. George frantically tries to take the ring off.)

GEORGE: Umm, I’m not. It’s just a sociological experiment!

JANICE: Please...

(George stands up. She leaves George, who proceeds to the snack table. Jerry walks over to him.)

JERRY: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn’t take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot.

GEORGE: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza: Lord of the Idiots!

ROXANNE: (yelling out the window) You’re all winners!

GEORGE: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry is talking on the phone with George.)

JERRY: George, I didn’t sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. I’m just going to be honest. That’s all... Yes, I’m nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. It’ll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) I’ll call you back after I talk to her... Bye.

KRAMER: Well, it’s all taken care of. Everything’s cool.

JERRY: What? What’s cool?

KRAMER: Elaine.

JERRY: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: I just found a guy who’s willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.

JERRY: You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand?

KRAMER: Cash.

JERRY: Who would pay that much?

KRAMER: He’s in the music business.

JERRY: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think I’m in the clear here. Elaine’s not moving in. I don’t have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. I’m golden!

KRAMER: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(The door to Jerry’s apartment is open. Harold and Manny, and Elaine are there. Pulsing music is emanating through the walls.)

ELAINE: Wow. You’re right. That is loud.

JERRY: It’s just unbelievable.

ELAINE: They rehearse all the time?

JERRY: All the time. I’ve been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I can’t live like this. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Can’t you do something?

HAROLD: I’m not going up. It stinks up there.

JERRY: Manny...

MANNY: (in Spanish) They’re allowed to play until eleven o’clock!

HAROLD: I’m not the one who said eleven o’clock. He makes up his own rules.

ELAINE: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you’d never hear a peep out of me. I’m as quiet as a mouse.

(Kramer enters, and hears the music.)

KRAMER: Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I don’t know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o’clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone’s door and tell them to keep it down? You’re really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? What’s happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There’s a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. “Shh... shh... shhh... shhh...” Doesn’t work, ‘cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. “Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me.” Some people you can’t shush in a movie theater. There’s always that certain group of people, isn’t it? They’re talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won’t shush. They’re the unshushables.

The End

S2E6 - The Statue

Broadcast date: April 11, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michael D. Conway ............ Ray

Nurit Koppel ....................... Rava

==================================================================

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I don’t know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it’s really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I’ve received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn’t even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that’s what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, “You may have already won.” I’d like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, “You have definitely lost!” You turn it over, giant printing, “Not even close!” You open it up, there’s this whole letter of explanation, “Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest.”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(George is reading a newspaper. Kramer and Jerry struggle to fit a large cardboard box with the name Seinfeld on it, through the doorway.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) To the right.

(They get it through, and walk towards the table.)

GEORGE: That took awhile.

JERRY: Don’t get up.

GEORGE: I’d like to help, but my neck..

(They set the box on the table.)

GEORGE: So how long has it been in the basement?

JERRY: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn’t want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it’s been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and let’s get it out of here.

(They open the box, and start going through it.)

GEORGE: What’s in it?

JERRY: Grandpa clothes, I can’t wear ‘em.

(Kramer pulls out some black socks.)

KRAMER: You want these? Knee socks. You don’t wear knee socks.

JERRY: No, go ahead. Look at this place. I can’t wait to get it cleaned.

GEORGE: I know someone who’ll do it. She’s good. She’s honest.

JERRY: No, Elaine’s got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he’s suppose to do it.

GEORGE: Students can’t clean. It’s anathema. (explaining) They don’t like it.

JERRY: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

(Kramer pulls a statue out of the box.)

KRAMER: Now this I like.

GEORGE: Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramer’s hands.) I can’t believe this! Let me see this.

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait...

(George grabs the statue.)

GEORGE: Let me just see it.

KRAMER: Come on...

GEORGE: Let me just see it for a second.

(He pries it from Kramer’s hands.)

GEORGE: Oh my God, it’s exactly the same!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, “MacArthur Park”, and I got to the part about, “I’ll never have that recipe again,” and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

(Kramer grabs the statue back. George grips it, but Kramer wont let go. They start to fight for it.)

KRAMER: C’mon, George. I saw it first.

GEORGE: No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.

KRAMER: No, I got dibs!

GEORGE: What? No dibs! I need this statue. C’mon, give it!

(Jerry breaks it up.)

JERRY: Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don’t you just settle it like mature adults?

(Kramer sticks out his fist.)

KRAMER: Potato man!

GEORGE: No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.

(Kramer and George both add up in their heads to see who would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go.)

KRAMER: Okay...yea well uh start with me.

GEORGE: Yeah, good, good.

(Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing alternately between Kramer and George with every accented syllable.)

JERRY: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.

(He lands on George. George starts to recalculate his choice.)

JERRY: Not because you’re dirty, not because you’re clean – just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...

(He lands on Kramer. Kramer smiles.)

JERRY: And you are it!

(He lands on George.)

KRAMER: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He’s out. I get it.

GEORGE: No, no, no, no, I’m It. I win.

JERRY: No, he’s It. He wins. It is good.

KRAMER: Do over – start with him.

JERRY: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.

KRAMER: All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)

GEORGE: (not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.

KRAMER: Okay, I’m gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.

JERRY: All right, c’mon. Let’s go.

(Kramer puts on the hat.)

KRAMER: Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.

(He hums the theme song.)

GEORGE: I can’t believe I won at Inka-dink.

JERRY: Come on, let’s go.

GEORGE: Yea.

(They go to the door. George sets down the statue on the kitchen counter.)

JERRY: Aren’t you gonna take it?

GEORGE: No, no, no, I don’t want to carry it around all night. I’ll pick it up later.

GEORGE: (to Kramer) What about your stuff?

KRAMER: Oh, uh, well - okay.

(He balls up the clothes in his hands, throws them into his apartment and leaves.)

JERRY: All right, let’s go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: The Inka-dink.. You were It.

GEORGE: It’s bad?

JERRY: It’s very bad.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT

(Elaine and a writer, RAVA, are in the living room.)

RAVA: Well, if they don’t let you be my editor on this book, I’ll go to another publisher. It’s that simple.

ELAINE: You told them that?

RAVA: Of course.

ELAINE: (excited) This is so fantastic. I don’t know how to thank you.

(Jerry enters for the bedroom, carrying luggage.)

JERRY: (to Rava) So, where’s this boyfriend of yours? I can’t wait much longer. I’ve got a flight.

ELAINE: Oh, probably caught in traffic.

RAVA: Or maybe he’s dead.

JERRY: So what do you write, children’s books?

(There’s a knock at the door.)

RAVA: That’s Ray.

(Ray enters with cleaning gear.)

RAY: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.

(Ray bows.)

JERRY: All right...

RAVA: And we have to get back to work.

(She exits with Elaine.)

JERRY: I gotta get to the airport.

RAY: Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.

JERRY: The uh toilet brush is under the sink.

(Jerry exits.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: I don’t really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there’s that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you’re sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, “I’m really sorry about this. I don’t know why I left that stuff over there.” And that’s why I could never be a maid, because I’d have an attitude. I’d find them, wherever they are in the house, “Oh, I suppose you couldn’t do this? No, don’t get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn’t dust. No, this is too tough, isn’t it?”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry is talking to Elaine.)

JERRY: He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!

ELAINE: There’s no Rubber Man.

JERRY: Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There’s Elastic Man... Plastic Man...

ELAINE: I’m leaving.

JERRY: Where are you going?

ELAINE: To Rava’s house. I’ve gotta pick up her manuscript.

JERRY: Oh wait. I’ll go with you.

(They both head toward the door. Jerry opens it.)

JERRY: Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!

(Elaine and Jerry exit.)

INT. RAVA & RAY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room.)

ELAINE: (to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He’s the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-

RAVA: Demand.

ELAINE: They're going to promote me to editor.

RAVA: Daantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) There’s Ray... late as usual.

(Ray enters.)

RAY: Well, this is an unexpected surprise – and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, we’re in the presence of royalty.

JERRY: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.

RAY: But I didn’t just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.

JERRY: Shouldn’t you be out on a ledge somewhere?

(They all laugh. Jerry looks at Ray’s mantle. George’s statue catches his eye.)

RAVA: The water is boiling. Are you having tea?

ELAINE & RAY: Yes.

(Jerry is not listening. Rava enters the kitchen.)

ELAINE: Jerry? Jerry!

(Jerry snaps out of it.)

JERRY: What?

RAVA: (from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?

RAY: Yeah, I’m coming!

(Ray enters the kitchen. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers.)

JERRY: I think that’s the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!

ELAINE: What statue?

JERRY: I had a statue!

ELAINE: You have a statue? I never saw a statue.

JERRY: My grandfather gave me a statue!

ELAINE: Since when?

JERRY: What’s the difference?! That’s the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!

(Ray pops his head back into the living room.)

RAY: Do you take sugar?

JERRY & ELAINE: Uhh... no.

(Ray goes back into the kitchen.)

JERRY: I can’t believe it! This guy ripped me off!

ELAINE: Do you realize what you’re saying?

JERRY: Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!

(Ray pops in again.)

RAY: Lemon?

JERRY & ELAINE: Uh... sure/yeah..

(Ray goes back into the kitchen.)

ELAINE: Are you sure?

JERRY: Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.

ELAINE: Ninety-nine percent sure?!

(Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea.)

RAY: Ah, sweet elixir. It’s fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.

(Jerry smells it suspiciously. A ding from the kitchen can be heard.)

RAVA: Ah those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript.

RAY: Ah, the pastries!

(Ray and Rava exit in different directions.)

ELAINE: Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

JERRY: Coincidence? This guy’s in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?

ELAINE: I never saw the statue.

JERRY: I had a statue! What should I do?

ELAINE: I don’t know.

JERRY: I’ll call Kramer. He can check my house.

(Jerry grabs the phone and dials.)

ELAINE: Oh Jerry, don’t blow this for me.

JERRY: Don’t worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... It’s Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...

(Rava enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts talking casually into the phone.)

JERRY: Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.

RAVA: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she’s rotting in an alley somewhere!

(Pause.)

JERRY: My mom’s down in Florida. She’s got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

(Ray enters with a tray of pastries.)

RAY: I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.

JERRY: Listen, uh I just remembered... I’m... uh, getting a facial.

(Elaine takes the manuscript.)

ELAINE: Oh, see you tomorrow morning.

(They go to leave.)

RAY: How about dinner?

JERRY: No, I don’t eat dinner. Dinner’s for suckers.

(Elaine and Jerry exit.)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Jerry is on the phone. Jerry and Elaine are next to him. Kramer sits in the living room.)

JERRY: Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.

(He hangs up.)

JERRY: Nope, the cop says it’s my word against his. There’s nothing they can do.

KRAMER: Let’s go get him.

JERRY: Yeah, right.

GEORGE: We can’t just let him get away with this.

JERRY: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it’s missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He’s crazy.

KRAMER: You wanna go get him?

ELAINE: Well, then, if he’s crazy you should just forget it.

GEORGE: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother’s making her roasted potatoes!

ELAINE: George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?

GEORGE: Who is this Rava?

KRAMER: I say we get him.

ELAINE: No!

GEORGE: Let me just call him.

JERRY: I’ll call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Rava’s friend, Elaine’s friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you don’t want to talk about it over the phone?.. You don’t want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk’s?... All right, tomorrow... One o’ clock... Great, okay, bye.

(Jerry hangs up.)

ELAINE: All right, look, look, look. Let’s say he stole it.

GEORGE: Oh, he stole it!

ELAINE: C’mon, you can’t do anything about it. The cops won’t do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why don’t you just forget it?

(Jerry and George look at each other.)

JERRY & GEORGE: No.

INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY

(Jerry sits alone at a booth. George sits in the booth behind him.)

GEORGE: I thought you said one o’clock.

JERRY: Relax, he’s late. He’s always late. It’s part of his M.O.

GEORGE: Remember, don’t take any crap.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about it.

GEORGE: I’ll be right here.

(Ray enters.)

JERRY: That’s comforting. Shh. He’s coming. (to Ray) Ray?

(Ray sits opposite Jerry.)

RAY: Oh, Jerry. I can’t believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could’ve got me into?

JERRY: Well, I didn’t...

RAY: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.

GEORGE: (muttering to himself) I wonder why.

JERRY: Well, just give it back, and I won’t say anything.

RAY: Give it back?

JERRY: Yeah.

RAY: What are you talking about?

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: What is he talking about?

RAY: I’m talking about the statue.

JERRY: Yeah, me too.

RAY: Give it back to whom?

JERRY: Me.

GEORGE: Yeah, him.

RAY: You?

JERRY: Yeah. Me.

RAY: I’m not getting this.

GEORGE: You already got it.

JERRY: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house – and then I saw it in your house.

RAY: What are you saying?

JERRY: What am I saying?

GEORGE: Take a wild guess.

RAY: Are you saying I stole your statue?

GEORGE: What a mind.

JERRY: Well, I...

RAY: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

JERRY: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

GEORGE: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

RAY: For your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop.

GEORGE: Pawn shop?

JERRY: A pawn shop?

RAY: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people’s apartments.

GEORGE: Cleaning them out.

(Jerry elbows George in an attempt to shut him up.)

JERRY: Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.

RAY: What’s behind this? It’s Rava, isn’t it?

GEORGE: Again with the Rava.

RAY: You want her.

JERRY: No, she’s a little too cheery for me.

RAY: She’s from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!

JERRY: I know Finland. They’re neutral.

RAY: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?

JERRY: No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...

GEORGE: “Oh, I find you so charming.” You wuss.

JERRY: (to George) Did you call me a wuss?

RAY: What did you say?

JERRY: I said luss. I’m at a luss.

RAY: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.

JERRY: That’s not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe it’s not that bad an idea.

RAY: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.

GEORGE: Singapore?! Do you hear this?

RAY: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.

(George stands up and addresses Ray.)

GEORGE: That’s it! That’s it! I can’t take it. I can’t take it anymore! You stole the statue! You’re a theif! You’re a liar!

JERRY: George...

RAY: Who is this?

GEORGE: I’m the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!

RAY: What’s going on here?

GEORGE: GUILTY!

RAY: Your friend is crazy.

GEORGE: Oh, I’m crazy!

JERRY: George, george...

RAY: I’ve got to get going. I have a class.

GEORGE: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar’s office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!

RAY: Well, that’s because I’m registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.

GEORGE: You mean alias.

RAY: You are starting to make me angry!

GEORGE: Well, that was bound to happen.

RAY: (to Jerry) I hope you think about what you’ve done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.

(Ray heads for the door.)

JERRY: Hey, Ray.

(Ray stops and turns around.)

RAY: Yes?

JERRY: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!

INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING LOBBY – DAY

(Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator.)

ELAINE: Nervous?

RAVA: Why should I be?

ELAINE: Yeah. Right.

RAVA: Your notes are very insightful.

ELAINE: The book is great. Did you go out last night?

RAVA: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.

ELAINE: They all are.

RAVA: Was Jerry?

ELAINE: I can’t remember.

(The elevator doors open. They step in.)

RAVA: You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.

ELAINE: Oh, well, I’m staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.

(The elevator doors close.)

INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING – LATER

(Outside the elevator, on another floor. The doors open, revealing Rava and Elaine in front of a crowd of people.)

RAVA: So you think he stole it?!

ELAINE: Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...

RAVA: I admit nothing!

(The doors close.)

INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING ELEVATOR – CONTINUING

(A MAN behind them addresses Rava.)

MAN: Will you put that cigarette out, please?

(Rava ignores him.)

ELAINE: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it’s gone and it’s in your apartment.

RAVA: Maybe you think we’re in cahoots.

ELAINE: No, no. But it is quite a coincidence.

RAVA: Yes, that’s all: a coincidence!

ELAINE: A big coincidence.

RAVA: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!

ELAINE: No, that’s a big coincidence.

RAVA: That’s what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!

ELAINE: No, there are degrees of coincidences.

RAVA: No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone!

(Enraged, she poses the question to everyone in the elevator.)

RAVA: Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?!

(Everyone just shrugs and murmurs. The doors open.)

MAN: Will you put that cigarette out?!

RAVA: Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) It’s just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. You’re trying to destroy us.

ELAINE: Shouldn’t you be out on a ledge somewhere?

(The doors close.)

INT. PENDANT PUBLISHING – DAY

(Outside the elevator on yet another floor. The doors open. The elevator is empty except for Elaine. There is a janitor’s cart parked right outside the doors. She steps out, throws the manuscript into the garbage can on the cart and exits.)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(George is on the phone. Elaine and Jerry are beside him. Kramer is sitting on a living room chair again.)

GEORGE: Ma, will you stop?... It’s just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didn’t even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I don’t see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesn’t react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.

KRAMER: I’m not happy about this.

ELAINE: Why don’t we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?

GEORGE: There’s just no justice. This experience has changed me. It’s made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: (casually) Sure, why not.

ELAINE: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.

JERRY: Can’t you talk to your boss?

ELAINE: I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think you’re funny at all.

KRAMER: (talking to himself) I’m not happy about this.

JERRY: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..

GEORGE: Yeah, he’ll have my parents.

INT. RAVA & RAY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Ray is home alone. There’s a knock at the door.)

KRAMER: (from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!

RAY: Police?

(He opens the door a crack. Kramer barges in. He is wearing Jerry’s grandfather’s suit and hat. He forces Ray against the wall face first.)

KRAMER: Freeze, mother!

(Ray turns toward Kramer.)

RAY: Hey.

(Kramer shoves him against the wall.)

KRAMER: Shut up. Spread ‘em. I said spread ‘em! (looks around) You’re in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.

(Ray turns toward Kramer.)

RAY: Murder?!

(Kramer shoves him against the wall.)

KRAMER: Shut up! Keep ‘em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!

RAY: I think you have me confused with somebody else.

KRAMER: Is your name Ray?

RAY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah, you’re the punk I’m looking for!

(Kramer grabs the statue from the mantle and puts it in his bag. Ray turns toward Kramer.)

RAY: Hey, hey, are you a cop?

KRAMER: Yeah, I’m a cop. I’m a good cop. I’m a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Today’s your lucky day, junior, ‘cause I’m gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you’ll be sorry. You got me?

RAY: Got you? I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.

KRAMER: Good, good. Let’s uh keep it that way.

(Kramer exits.)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Kramer leads Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment.)

JERRY: All right, all right. What’s the big hubbub, bub?

(Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. He places it on the table, and reveals the statue from it. Everyone is Shocked)

GEORGE: Kramer, I can’t believe it. Oh, you’re my hero!

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Kramer, what did you do?

KRAMER: Well, let’s just say I didn’t take him to People’s Court.

GEORGE: I feel like a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I don’t know how to thank you!

KRAMER: Well, I’ll think of something.

(Kramer slaps George on the back, knocking the statue out of his hands and sending it crashing to the ground.)

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

(Jerry is on stage, performing.)

JERRY: People are going to steal from you. You can’t stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, who’s gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can’t get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.

The End

S2E7 - The Revenge

Broadcast date: April 18, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Fred Applegate ................. Levitan

John Capodice .................. Vic

Teri Austin ........................ Ava

Patrika Darbo ................... Glenda

Marcus Smythe ................ Dan

John Hillner....................... Greeny

Deck McKenzie.................. Bill

Larry David.........................Voice of Newman (uncredited)

rc: Newman....................... (uncredited voice only in syndicated reruns (see note)

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. You notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. What is he worried about? I mean what is this man's reputation? That he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go "isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

[Office complex; Levitan's office]

LEVITAN: (on the phone) Ha ha, she was great. You don't want to know. Hey Breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing)

(George bursts into the office)

GEORGE: That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry exits his bedroom with a bag of laundry; Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.

JERRY: Well, what'd you say?

KRAMER: I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.

JERRY: What's his problem?

KRAMER: No job. No women.

JERRY: He called the right guy.

KRAMER: Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?

JERRY: All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry.

KRAMER: Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?

JERRY: Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.

KRAMER: How 'bout if I put a few things --

JERRY: Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --

KRAMER: Well, you're going over there.

JERRY: I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.

KRAMER: Have you ever met my guys?

JERRY: No. I can't say as I have.

KRAMER: Well!

JERRY: All right. Put 'em on top.

KRAMER: Ah!

JERRY: Oh, beautiful.

[Laundromat]

JERRY: This stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine?

VIC: I'll have to charge you for another machine.

JERRY: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across.

(George shows up)

GEORGE: Guess what.

JERRY: How did you know I was here?

GEORGE: Kramer. Guess what.

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I quit my job.

JERRY: Get outta here.

GEORGE: I couldn't take it anymore.

VIC: You can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket)

JERRY: What happened? Levitan?

GEORGE: I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!

JERRY: You and your toilets.

GEORGE: I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)

JERRY: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?

GEORGE: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.

JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

(George realizes he's made a mistake)

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: I like sports. I could do something in sports.

JERRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?

GEORGE: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.

GEORGE: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.

JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.

GEORGE: What about that?

JERRY: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

GEORGE: Well, that's really not fair.

JERRY: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?

GEORGE: Movies. I like to watch movies.

JERRY: Yeah. Yeah.

GEORGE: Do they pay people to watch movies?

JERRY: Projectionists.

GEORGE: That's true.

JERRY: But you gotta know how to work the projector.

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: And it's probably a union thing.

GEORGE: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?

JERRY: Talk show host. That's good.

GEORGE: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?

JERRY: Well, that's where it gets tricky.

GEORGE: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."

JERRY: I wouldn't think so.

GEORGE: It's all politics.

JERRY: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?

GEORGE: This could have been a huge mistake.

JERRY: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

GEORGE: (sighs) Guess not. What should I do?

JERRY: Maybe you can just go back.

GEORGE: Go back?

JERRY: Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.

GEORGE: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened?

JERRY: Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.

GEORGE: Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened.

JERRY: Never happened.

GEORGE: I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?

JERRY: So what? You're entitled.

GEORGE: I'm emotional.

JERRY: That's right. You're emotional.

GEORGE: Never happened.

JERRY: Never happened.

[Middle Monologue]

JERRY: To me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in "morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine" Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "Hey" You start coming up with nicknames for them. "Jimbo."

[Office complex; Staff Meeting]

(George enters)

GEORGE: How ya doin'?

GLENDA: What are you doing here?

GEORGE: What? I work here.

GLENDA: I thought you quit.

GEORGE: What quit? (laughing) Who quit?

DAN: Bill, how was your weekend?

BILL: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?

DAN: Fine weekend.

GEORGE: Yeah. Good weekend.

DAN: Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.

GEORGE: Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.

(Levitan enters; George covers his face with a folder)

LEVITAN: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?

AVA: Oh, I got a little tied up.

LEVITAN: I'll bet you did.

(laughter breaks out in boardroom)

LEVITAN: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here?

GEORGE: What?

LEVITAN: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?

GEORGE: When?

LEVITAN: Friday.

GEORGE: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously?

LEVITAN: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?

GEORGE: Come on. Will you stop it.

LEVITAN: No brains? No ability?

GEORGE: Teasing.

LEVITAN: Okay. I want you outta here.

GEORGE: I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time?

DAN: I wouldn't say all the time.

LEVITAN: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.

[Laundromat]

GEORGE: " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me.

JERRY: Well, so that's that.

GEORGE: No. That's not that.

JERRY: That's not that?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Well, if that's not that, what is that?

GEORGE: I've got some plans. I got plans.

JERRY: What kind of plans?

GEORGE: What's the difference?

JERRY: You don't wanna tell me?

GEORGE: I'm gonna slip him a mickey.

JERRY: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre?

GEORGE: You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing.

JERRY: What if you destroy him?

GEORGE: No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.

JERRY: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.

GEORGE: This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!

JERRY: You've really gone mental.

GEORGE: Nah.

JERRY: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"!

GEORGE: I got a source.

JERRY: You got a mickey source?

GEORGE: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.

JERRY: Elaine? How did you rope her into this?

GEORGE: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.

JERRY: She knew that.

GEORGE: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.

JERRY: What is the point of all this?

GEORGE: Revenge.

JERRY: Oh, the best revenge is living well.

GEORGE: There's no chance of that.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters somewhat depressed)

JERRY: Did you get your laundry?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: What's with you?

KRAMER: He jumped.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah. Newman jumped.

JERRY: Did he call you last night?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

JERRY: What did you say?

KRAMER: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window."

JERRY: Whew. Did he wave?

KRAMER: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.

JERRY: (realizing something) Oh, my god!

KRAMER: What's the matter?

JERRY: (tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go.

KRAMER: Where? Where?

JERRY: To the Laundromat.

[Laundromat]

VIC: I never saw it.

KRAMER: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing?

VIC: Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying "Not Responsible for Valuables"

JERRY: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society.

VIC: Yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible.

JERRY: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?

VIC: You ever hear of a bank?

JERRY: Come on. Let's go.

KRAMER: No. You can't let him get away with this.

[Office party at the Bar]

(Elaine and George staking out the bar)

ELAINE: Which one is he?

GEORGE: That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I see him.

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.

ELAINE: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?

GEORGE: This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.

ELAINE: Yeah. It is kind of cool.

GEORGE: First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.

ELAINE: I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies.

GEORGE: That's exactly what I told Jerry!

ELAINE: Really?

GEORGE: Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive!

[Laundromat]

(Jerry is carrying a large bag of clothes)

JERRY: Maybe we should call this off.

KRAMER: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.

JERRY: And what's gonna happen?

KRAMER: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!

JERRY: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.

KRAMER: You keep him busy.

(Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around)

(Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine)

KRAMER: Whoa!

(lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards and slams into the dryer)

[Office party at the Bar]

(George and Elaine are in the corner talking)

GEORGE: You go over there -

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.

ELAINE: Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?

(George motions for her to do it. Elaine walks over to where Levitan is sitting)

LEVITAN: Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield.

ELAINE: Oops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me.

LEVITAN: Yeah.

GREENY: I'm gonna get some food. You want some?

LEVITAN: Nah.

ELAINE: Hi.

LEVITAN: Hi.

ELAINE: (sneezes)

LEVITAN: God bless you.

ELAINE: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou!

LEVITAN: (confused) You're welcome.

ELAINE: People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?

LEVITAN: No.

ELAINE: (having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week.

LEVITAN: (interested) Nudist colony?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah!

LEVITAN: (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony.

ELAINE: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked.

LEVITAN: Seriously?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day.

(George makes his move; Glenda is occupying the seat next to Levitan)

GEORGE: (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat?

GLENDA: (loud) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats.

GEORGE: (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here.

GLENDA: (loud) What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired.

GEORGE: (whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine.

ELAINE: I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked.

LEVITAN: Who are you?

ELAINE: Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.

[Laundromat]

(Back to Kramer after hitting the dryer; Picks up the concrete makes his way back to the washer; opens the lid on the machine, it slams shut forcing Kramer to pour the concrete all over the machine)

JERRY: (trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?

(opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as a cloud of concrete covers his face)

JERRY: Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?

(Kramer emptying bag into machine)

JERRY: What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament?

(finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag & drops it on the floor)

(Kramer giving "OK" sign)

(Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of the machine)

JERRY: What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?

(Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body covered with dry concrete)

KRAMER: I didn't realize it was a full box.

[Office party; Bar]

GEORGE: (trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.

GLENDA: I don't' wear a wig.

GEORGE: One... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves)

ELAINE: No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.

(Levitan & Elaine laughing)

ELAINE: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra.

(George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink)

(Elaine & Levitan laughing)

GEORGE: Hello, Rick.

LEVITAN: Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here!

GEORGE: That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!

LEVITAN: You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man.

GEORGE: Oh!

LEVITAN: I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap.

GEORGE: Boom!

(all laughing)

LEVITAN: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh?

GEORGE: Oh.

LEVITAN: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. (George is shocked) You can use my bathroom anytime you want.

GEORGE: You want me to come back? Uh...

LEVITAN: Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast!

GEORGE: Rick.

LEVITAN: Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties.

GEORGE: Uh, Rick..

LEVITAN: And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible..

GEORGE: Rick.

LEVITAN: I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?

GEORGE: Drink up. (Levitan takes a drink)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George is sitting at the coffee table; Jerry and Elaine on the couch)

GEORGE: I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something.

ELAINE: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: Yeah. That's true.

KRAMER: (seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.

JERRY: What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it?

KRAMER: It was in my laundry.

JERRY: In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?

KRAMER: It was about 1200 bucks.

NEWMAN: Kramer!

KRAMER: Oh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window)

NEWMAN: I'm on the roof!

KRAMER: (yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for?

JERRY: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money..

(Elaine and Jerry leave)

GEORGE: (talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy.

KRAMER: You wanna shoot some pool tonight?

NEWMAN: I can't. I'm goin' to a movie.

GEORGE: (talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing.

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'

The end

S2E8 - The Heart Attack

Broadcast date: April 25, 1991

Written By Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stephen Tobolowsky .......... Tor

John Posey .......................... Dr. Fein

John Fleck ........................... Attendant

Jimmy Woodward .............. Driver

Pat Hazell ........................... Man in Other Bed

Sharon McKnight ............... The Nurse

Thomas Wagner ................. The Cook

Heather James .................... The Waitress

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV)

TV VOICE: (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..

(Jerry's now asleep)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

(Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his head, then goes back to sleep, laughing to himself)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

(Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)

ELAINE: What do you got, a cucumber?

GEORGE: Yeah, so what?

ELAINE: You're bringing in an ouside cucumber?

GEORGE: They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.

JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.

(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?

ELAINE: No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny."

JERRY: Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?

ELAINE: (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?

GEORGE: Let me see that. (Studies the note)

ELAINE: Hey, where's Kramer?

JERRY: I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?"

GEORGE: (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack.

JERRY: I don't think that's it.

GEORGE: I'm not kidding.

JERRY: What does that mean?

ELAINE: I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.

JERRY: Oh, he's having a heart attack.

GEORGE: Tightness..

JERRY: C'mon.

GEORGE: Shortness of breath..

JERRY: Oh, this is ridiculous.

GEORGE: Radiating waves of pain..

JERRY: I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.

GEORGE: There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm.

JERRY: (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks.

GEORGE: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.

JERRY: So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital?

GEORGE: Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.

JERRY: I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)

(A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't seem to notice)

WAITRESS: Is everything alright?

GEORGE: We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake on the..

ELAINE: George!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Hospital room]

(George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring bed seems to be in pain)

MAN: Ooohhh... Argghhh..

GEORGE: Are.. are you okay?

MAN: Ooooooohhh..

GEORGE: I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that-

MAN: Shut up!

(Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the note to a nurse)

JERRY: Well? What do you think?

NURSE 1: "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.

JERRY: "Salami salami bologna"?

DOCTOR: (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?

GEORGE: No, no thanks.

JERRY: (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have?

GEORGE: Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket.

JERRY: Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out..

GEORGE: Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.

JERRY: No, I tried it on. It fits good.

GEORGE: Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all..

JERRY: Well, you know..

GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Well, okay.

JERRY: Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?

GEORGE: Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second..

JERRY: Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.

GEORGE: I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?

JERRY: You know, if your future was a little more certain..

GEORGE: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

JERRY: Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it)

GEORGE: What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!

(Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George)

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: (Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed)

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Jerk off.

(Jerry goes over to Elaine)

JERRY: (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.

(They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with Jerry's joke)

ELAINE: Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?

(Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. They completely ignore George)

GEORGE: I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?!

(The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, romantic glance)

DOCTOR: (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza?

GEORGE: (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.

DOCTOR: Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up.

GEORGE: (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy!

DOCTOR: And you simply haven't had a heart attack.

GEORGE: (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now?

DOCTOR: No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe.

GEORGE: Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me.

DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't go that far.

GEORGE: (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!

DOCTOR: Have you ever had your tonsils taken out?

GEORGE: My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.

DOCTOR: Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs)

DOCTOR: It happens.

JERRY: Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

ELAINE: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.

DOCTOR: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.

JERRY: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

GEORGE: (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me!

DOCTOR: Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out.

GEORGE: What? You mean with a knife?

DOCTOR: Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.

GEORGE: (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time.

DOCTOR: Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me.

ELAINE: (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves)

JERRY: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.

(Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.

JERRY: (Trying to shut him up) Kramer.

KRAMER: The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.

JERRY: Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.

KRAMER: No? That's good.

GEORGE: I have to have my tonsils taken out.

KRAMER: Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here.

JERRY: (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery.

KRAMER: Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..

GEORGE: Well, what should I do, Kramer?

JERRY: Well, for one think, don't listen to him.

KRAMER: I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.

JERRY: Eckman? I thought he was doing time?

KRAMER: No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.

JERRY: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.

KRAMER: He's holistic, George. He's holistic.

GEORGE: Holistic.. that sounds right.

JERRY: George, you need a medical doctor.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?

JERRY: Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.

GEORGE: Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge?

KRAMER: First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Healer's apartment]

(Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)

GEORGE: So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here?

JERRY: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though.

GEORGE: All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.

JERRY: (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle.

GEORGE: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks?

(Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over to Jerry and George)

TOR: (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please?

JERRY: Sorry.

(Tor sits down, and turns tward George)

TOR: What month were you born?

GEORGE: April.

TOR: You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait.

GEORGE: Really?

TOR: Do you use hot water in the shower?

GEORGE: Yes.

TOR: Stop using it.

GEORGE: ..Okay.

KRAMER: I'm off hot water.

TOR: Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery.

GEORGE: Yes, yes I am.

TOR: (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery.

GEORGE: (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face?

TOR: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.

JERRY: (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

GEORGE: (Still on the hot water) What about shaving?

TOR: (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face)

GEORGE: I guess so.

TOR: (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind.

JERRY: (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here..

TOR: You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.

GEORGE: (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm?

JERRY: Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Doctor's car]

(The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue)

DOCTOR: ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..

(The Doctor is still holding her tongue)

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Healer's apartment]

TOR: (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.

JERRY: I love crampbark.

TOR: Cleavers.

JERRY: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car.

TOR: And some couchgrass.

JERRY: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.

(Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic)

KRAMER: Go ahead, drink it, George.

JERRY: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if-

TOR: (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry)

KRAMER: Go ahead, drink it, George.

GEORGE: (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ambulance]

(George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. The driver and the assistant in the back are having a huge fight)

GEORGE: (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!

DRIVER: (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man!

ASSISTANT: I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing!

DRIVER: I don't even like Chuckles!

JERRY: (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.

GEORGE: My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!

ASSISTANT: I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!

JERRY: (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle?

ASSISTANT: (Angry, to Driver) Pull over!

DRIVER: Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?!

ASSISTANT: Yeah!

JERRY: You're gonna fight?

GEORGE: Now?! I'm a mutant!

KRAMER: (To Driver) Hey, let me drive.

ASSISTANT: Come on, man. Pull over!

DRIVER: Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!

(Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door)

JERRY: (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.

GEORGE: My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?!

ASSISTANT: I'm gonna kick his ass.

KRAMER: (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?

GEORGE: You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!

(The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two fight)

JERRY: All this for a Chuckle.

KRAMER: What's a Chuckle?

JERRY: It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Doctor's car]

(He's still holding Elaine's tongue)

DOCTOR: You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces.

ELAINE: Can you let go of my tongue now?

DOCTOR: What?

ELAINE: Let go of my tongue!

DOCTOR: (Lets go) Oh, sorry.

ELAINE: Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing?

DOCTOR: I was going to kiss you good night.

ELAINE: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ambulance]

(It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight)

JERRY: You just can't leave him out there.

DRIVER: I told him I was gonna mess him up.

KRAMER: Well, can you call him an ambulance?

DRIVER: I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap!

KRAMER: hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man!

DRIVER: (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?!

JERRY AND KRAMER: Watch out!

(The Ambulance crashes into something)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Hospital room]

(George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, but George can't respond verbally)

JERRY: How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing?

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.

(Nurse enters)

JERRY: Hey, check the TV.

(The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at the start of the show)

TV VOICE: (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..

JERRY: (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.

MAN IN NEIGHBORING BED: Shut up!

(George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating curtan)

MAN: Aaahhhgggg!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!"

The End

S2E9 - The Deal

Broadcast date: May 2, 1991

Written By Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Siobhan Fallon ..................... Tina

Norman Brenner ................. Clerk

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.

[While Jerry and Elaine are sitting on Jerry's couch watching the tube, Elaine is flipping through the channels constantly.]

JERRY: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one?

ELAINE: Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?

JERRY: He was good in Man From Uncle.

ELAINE: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?

JERRY: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.

ELAINE: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.

JERRY: No, I don't wanna see the naked people.

ELAINE: Been a while?

JERRY: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.

ELAINE: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.

JERRY: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What was that look?

JERRY: What look?

ELAINE: The look you just gave me.

JERRY: I gave a look?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: What kind of look?

ELAINE: I know that look.

JERRY: Then what was it?

ELAINE: Why should I tell you?

JERRY: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are.

ELAINE: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What about the look?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: You got something on your mind?

JERRY: No. Things pop into your head. You?

ELAINE: Things occur to me from time to time.

JERRY: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.

ELAINE: No, of course not.

JERRY: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?

ELAINE: Thirty-seven.

JERRY: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)

ELAINE: We know the terrain.

JERRY: No big surprises.

ELAINE: Nope.

JERRY: What do you think?

ELAINE: I don't know. What do you think?

JERRY: Well, it's something to consider.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: I mean, let's say we did.

ELAINE: What if.

JERRY: Is that like the end of the world or something?

ELAINE: Certainly not.

JERRY: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.

ELAINE: It's almost stupid if we didn't.

JERRY: It's moronic.

ELAINE: Absurd!

JERRY: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.

ELAINE: We, there are always a few.

JERRY: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.

ELAINE: Devastating.

JERRY: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)

ELAINE: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)

JERRY: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.

ELAINE: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.

JERRY: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.

ELAINE: Huh.

JERRY: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.

ELAINE: Right.

JERRY: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.

ELAINE: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.

JERRY: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.

ELAINE: All right, sir.

JERRY: Now here's another little rule.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

ELAINE: Okay, okay. Rule Number Two. Spending the night is optional!

JERRY: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.

ELAINE: What about the kiss goodnight?

JERRY: Tough one. You're call.

ELAINE: It's brug-wa (?).

JERRY: Fine. Well.

ELAINE: Well.

JERRY: You ready?

ELAINE: Ready.

JERRY: So think you can handle this?

ELAINE: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)

[Jerry's apartment the next day. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Got the paper?

JERRY: Not yet.

KRAMER: No paper?

JERRY: I haven't been out yet.

KRAMER: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits)

[George and Jerry at Monk's.]

GEORGE: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?

JERRY: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?

GEORGE: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

JERRY: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.

GEORGE: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.

JERRY: I thought you'd like that.

GEORGE: Oh, this is huge!

JERRY: I know.

GEORGE: All right, okay. Let's go, details.

JERRY: No, I can't do details.

GEORGE: You wha?

JERRY: I can't give details.

GEORGE: No details?

JERRY: I'm not in the mood.

GEORGE: You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

JERRY: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.

GEORGE: Where are you sitting?

JERRY: On the couch.

GEORGE: Next to each other?

JERRY: No, separated.

GEORGE: Time?

JERRY: Around eleven.

GEORGE: Okay, go ahead.

JERRY: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.

GEORGE: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.

JERRY: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.

GEORGE: Boy, these are really bad details.

JERRY: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.

GEORGE: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.

JERRY: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.

GEORGE: Better than before?

JERRY: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.

GEORGE: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?

JERRY: Not exactly.

GEORGE: Not exactly. What does that mean?

JERRY: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat)

GEORGE: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done.

(He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.

JERRY: I think we've worked out a system.

GEORGE: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

JERRY: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls.

GEORGE: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.

JERRY: Okay. No calls the next day.

GEORGE: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.

JERRY: You ready for the second one?

GEORGE: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.

JERRY: Spending the night. Optional.

GEORGE: No, you see? You got greedy.

JERRY: No, that's the rule. It's optional.

GEORGE: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.

JERRY: I think you're wrong.

GEORGE: I hope I am.

[At Elaine's apartment, Jerry opens the fridge and pulls out a piece of cake.]

JERRY: Is this yours or the roommate's?

ELAINE: The roommate's.

JERRY: Would she mind?

ELAINE: She keeps track of everything.

JERRY: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.

ELAINE: Thanks.

JERRY: Well, guess I'll get going.

ELAINE: Oh.

JERRY: Well, I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.

ELAINE: Fine, go away.

JERRY: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.

ELAINE: Just go.

JERRY: I'm having surgery tomorrow.

ELAINE: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.

JERRY: But you said, it can be very serious.

ELAINE: Okay, so fine. Go.

JERRY: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.

ELAINE: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.

JERRY: It has nothing to do with whose house it is.

ELAINE: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)

Tina: Hi.

Elaine + JERRY: Hi.

Tina: Hi, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi.

Tina: Such a great improv class tonight.

ELAINE: Oh really?

Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.

ELAINE: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?

Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)

ELAINE: What are you doing?

JERRY: I can't go if you're mad.

ELAINE: I'm not mad.

JERRY: You seemed a little mad.

ELAINE: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.

JERRY: So you're okay with everything?

ELAINE: Definitely. Are you?

JERRY: Definitely. Well, goodnight.

ELAINE: Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Rules.

Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)

[Jerry and George are at the store.]

GEORGE: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.

JERRY: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.

GEORGE: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.

JERRY: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.

GEORGE: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?

JERRY: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

GEORGE: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.

JERRY: I think I heard her say something about a bench.

GEORGE: A bench? What kind of a bench?

JERRY: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.

GEORGE: What, like at a bus stop?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Like a park bench?

JERRY: I have no idea.

GEORGE: Who puts a bench in their house?

JERRY: Forget the bench.

GEORGE: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?

JERRY: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead.

GEORGE: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.

JERRY: Nice looking fellow.

GEORGE: What about candle holders?

JERRY: Too romantic.

GEORGE: Lingerie?

JERRY: Too sexual.

GEORGE: Waffle maker.

JERRY: Too domestic.

GEORGE: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.

JERRY: Too Gubernatorial. (?)

GEORGE: Let's work on the card.

[Jerry and Elaine sitting on his couch. Elaine holding a present.]

JERRY: Maybe you won't like it.

ELAINE: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.

JERRY: You could not like it.

ELAINE: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.

JERRY: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)

ELAINE: Cash?

JERRY: Would do you think?

ELAINE: You got me cash?

JERRY: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?

ELAINE: Who are you, my uncle?

JERRY: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

ELAINE: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)

ELAINE: Pal? You think I'm your pal?

JERRY: I said, "and more."

ELAINE: I am not your pal.

JERRY: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)

ELAINE: Oh, what is this? You got me something?

KRAMER: Yeah. Open it.

ELAINE: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)

KRAMER: That's pretty good, huh?

JERRY: Great.

KRAMER: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.

JERRY: Well goody for you.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?

JERRY: 182 bucks.

KRAMER: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.

ELAINE: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Yates.

ELAINE: Oh Kramer. (They embrace)

JERRY: Could you excuse us please?

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: We're talking.

KRAMER: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)

JERRY: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: Never.

ELAINE: Ever.

JERRY: We got along beautifully.

ELAINE: Like clams.

JERRY: It was wonderful.

ELAINE: A pleasure.

JERRY: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.

ELAINE: I can't do it.

JERRY: You what?

ELAINE: I can't do that.

JERRY: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. Hmmm. What do you want?

ELAINE: This, that, and the other.

JERRY: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?

ELAINE: You.

JERRY: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...

[Jerry and George at Monk's.]

GEORGE: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.

JERRY: I never should have made up those rules.

GEORGE: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

JERRY: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.

GEORGE: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.

JERRY: What did you end up giving her?

GEORGE: 91 dollars.

JERRY: Sorry about that.

GEORGE: So what're you gonna do?

JERRY: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.

GEORGE: So, maybe this should be it.

JERRY: Could be it.

GEORGE: She seems like an it.

JERRY: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...

GEORGE: We'd have to kill him.

JERRY: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.

GEORGE: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

JERRY: Plus, you know what else.

GEORGE: You better call her.

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: You got the paper yet?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that?

ELAINE: No.

KRAMER: Well, you're not reading it now.

ELAINE: All right, you can take it. But I want it back.

KRAMER: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?

ELAINE: Ah, this. And that.

JERRY: And the other.

KRAMER: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)

The End

S2E10 - The Baby Shower

Broadcast date: May 16, 1991

Written By Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Christine Dunford .............. Leslie

Vic Polizos .......................... Tabachnik

James Lashly ...................... Assistant

Margaret Reed .................. Mary

George C. Simms ............... FBI Man

Marla Fries ........................ Stewardess

Don Perry ......................... Passenger

Kate Mulligan .................... Party Guest

Audrey Frantz .................. Party Guest

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

GEORGE: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.

JERRY: She's the performance artist, right?

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.

JERRY: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?

ELAINE: Todd.

JERRY: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.

ELAINE: No, he's not.

JERRY: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.

ELAINE: By marriage.

JERRY: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.

GEORGE: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.

ELAINE: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.

GEORGE: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?

JERRY: Thin ice, George. Thin ice..

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.

ELAINE: She stopped performing.

GEORGE: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.

JERRY: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.

GEORGE: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".

JERRY: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?

GEORGE: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.

ELAINE: It was an accident!

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?"

JERRY: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.

GEORGE: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.

JERRY: What ever happened with the shirt?

GEORGE: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

ELAINE: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.

JERRY: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?

ELAINE: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.

GEORGE: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.

JERRY: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me.

GEORGE: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.

ELAINE: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring..

GEORGE: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!

ELAINE: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.

GEORGE: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

ELAINE: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..

JERRY: But?

ELAINE: My roommate has Lyme disease.

JERRY: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?

ELAINE: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.

JERRY: How did she get Lyme disease?

ELAINE: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.

JERRY: They still do that play?

ELAINE: It's a classic.

JERRY: With all the nudity?

ELAINE: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

GEORGE: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!

JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

ELAINE: What do you wanna know?

JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

ELAINE: Rarely.

JERRY: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: When is this suppose to be?

ELAINE: Saturday.

JERRY: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?

ELAINE: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.

JERRY: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table.

GEORGE: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

JERRY: And if you do?

GEORGE: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)

KRAMER: What are you doing this for? Look at you..

JERRY: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.

KRAMER: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.

JERRY: (Pleading) Leave me alone.

KRAMER: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!

JERRY: I'm not getting illegal cable!

KRAMER: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.

JERRY: No, I read in the paper..

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..

JERRY: Well, they might hook us up again.

KRAMER: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!

JERRY: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.

KRAMER: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!

JERRY: What you're suggesting is illegal.

KRAMER: It's not illegal.

JERRY: It's against the law.

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

JERRY: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that?

KRAMER: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.

JERRY: A real human rights nut, huh?

KRAMER: Yeah. He's intense, man.

JERRY: I don't know. What if I get caught?

KRAMER: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.

(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles, shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks confused)

JERRY: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow.

TABACHNICK: Tomarrow okay.

KRAMER: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.

JERRY: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it..

KRAMER: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..

JERRY: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.

KRAMER: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting for him)

MAN: Mr. Steinfeld?

JERRY: Seinfeld.

MAN: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?

JERRY: My cable hook-up? What about it?

MAN: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.

JERRY: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?

(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)

KRAMER: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning.

MAN: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.

JERRY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want.

(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)

TABACHNICK: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.

(Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the door)

KRAMER: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Airplane]

(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches)

JERRY: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?

STEWARDESS: I'm afraid not.

JERRY: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?

STEWARDESS: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?

(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)

BILL: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's car]

(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)

GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip.

JERRY: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.

GEORGE: So, the college cancelled the gig?

JERRY: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.

GEORGE: (Modestly) Forget it.

JERRY: No, really.. an airport run.

GEORGE: It's nothing.

JERRY: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.

JERRY: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.

GEORGE: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.

JERRY: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower.

GEORGE: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place.

GEORGE: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.

JERRY: You want to get a bite?

GEORGE: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.

JERRY: Well, so what should we do?

GEORGE: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?

(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)

JERRY: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!

GEORGE: (Nervous) What are you talking about?

JERRY: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

GEORGE: I am? What a strange coincidence..

JERRY: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..

GEORGE: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.

JERRY: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?

GEORGE: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)

LESLIE: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.

ELAINE: So, where's Todd?

LESLIE: Up in Hyannisport.

ELAINE: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!

WOMAN: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?

LESLIE: March twentieth, nine a.m.

WOMAN: You know the time!

LESLIE: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.

ELAINE: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop?

LESLIE: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. The woman freeze at the sight, then disperse nervously)

ELAINE: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here?

KRAMER: We're putting in cable.

ELAINE: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now!

KRAMER: Oh, we have to do this now.

(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)

ELAINE: Who's this guy?

KRAMER: Which one?

ELAINE: Both of the them.

KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.

ELAINE: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?

KRAMER: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.

ELAINE: You can't! You can't do this now!

KRAMER: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that.

ELAINE: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.

KRAMER: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's car]

JERRY: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?

GEORGE: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!

JERRY: You'll never say that to her face.

GEORGE: Watch me.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.

ELAINE: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?

(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)

ELAINE: Kramer!

KRAMER: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..

(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick bangs on the door, and shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine runs up to greet them)

ELAINE: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.

JERRY: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.

ELAINE: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.

(Leslie approaches them)

LESLIE: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.

JERRY: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

ELAINE: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it!

GEORGE: (Unconvincingly coy) About what?

TABACHNICK: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer..

(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie - he takes off his sweater, revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)

GEORGE: Leslie.

LESLIE: Yeah?

GEORGE: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.

LESLIE: Hi.

GEORGE: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?

LESLIE: Vaguely.

GEORGE: You took me to one of your shows..

LESLIE: And?

GEORGE: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent..

(Scene cuts to Jerry)

MARY: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me?

JERRY: I'm sorry, I..

MARY: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.

JERRY: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..

MARY: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..

MARY: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!

JERRY: No, I don't think that..

MARRY: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!

(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)

GEORGE: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..

(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate cake is now all over George's shirt)

LESLIE: Thanks a lot!

(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door)

ELAINE: I'm sorry you have to go.

WOMAN: Yeah. I really have to be going.

(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)

JERRY: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable.

KRAMER: Don't be a fool.

TABACHNICK: You don't want?

JERRY: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble..

TABACHNICK: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.

JERRY: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!

(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave)

LESLIE: I'm going.. obviously.

ELAINE: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea..

LESLIE: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college.

ELAINE: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"?

LESLIE: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!

(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed)

GEORGE: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)

JERRY: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on chairs)

GEORGE: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?

ELAINE: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.

JERRY: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally?

KRAMER: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."

The End

S2E11 - The Chinese Restaurant

Broadcast date: May 23, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Guest Stars:

James Hong ........................ Bruce

David Tress ........................ Mr. Cohen

Judy Kain ........................... Lorraine

Kate Benton ....................... Woman on Phone

Michael Mitz ....................... Phone Guy

Kendall McCarthy .............. Man

==================================================================

[opening monologue; first sentence kinda blurry]

JERRY: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?"

[Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant]

ELAINE: No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.

GEORGE: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.

JERRY: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.

ELAINE: You should run for mayor.

JERRY: Ehh, nobody listens.

ELAINE: Where is someone? I'm starving.

GEORGE: I think this is him right here.

ELAINE: Is there a table ready?

RESTAURANT MANAGER (BRUCE): How many?

ELAINE (to Jerry): How many?

JERRY (to George): Is Tatiana coming?

GEORGE: I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

JERRY: Really? I thought things were going OK.

GEORGE: They were, it's kinda complicated.

JERRY: Well what is it?

ELAINE: How many?

JERRY: Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.

BRUCE: Four. It'll be five, ten minutes.

GEORGE: What do you wanna do?

ELAINE: Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.

JERRY: We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie.

GEORGE: I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?

JERRY (to Elaine): Tatiana...

(George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)

GEORGE: Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?

(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)

BRUCE: Lashbrook, 4!

JERRY: So did I do a terrible thing?

ELAINE: You mean lying to your uncle?

JERRY: I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied!

GEORGE (to Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat.

ELAINE: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.

JERRY: Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.

GEORGE: He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.

ELAINE: Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?

JERRY: Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house.

ELAINE: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things.

GEORGE: I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?

(Jerry stares at someone)

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt?

ELAINE: I've never seen her before.

JERRY: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.

(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)

MAN: Oh, Excuse me.

ELAINE: I'm sorry.

(the group just walks right into the dining room)

ELAINE: Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.

JERRY: Well maybe they were here from before.

ELAINE: No no no, they weren't here before.

GEORGE (to guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call.

(guy on phone turns away again)

ELAINE: Find out what's going on!

JERRY: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them.

ELAINE: Yeah.

BRUCE: What's your name?

JERRY: Seinfeld.

(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)

BRUCE: No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2!

ELAINE: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.

JERRY: Boy, you are really hungry.

GEORGE (whistles to guy on phone): Hey!

(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes over to Jerry)

GEORGE: If anything happens here, can I count on you?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: If we decide to go at it.

JERRY: Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...

GEORGE: I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy.

ELAINE: I'm gonna faint...

JERRY: George, who is that woman in the stripes?

GEORGE: I don't know her.

JERRY: She looks so familiar.

ELAINE: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.

JERRY: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

ELAINE: What do you mean?

JERRY: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.

GEORGE: What are they gonna do?

JERRY: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

ELAINE: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?

JERRY: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

ELAINE: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...

JERRY: No, no tricks.

ELAINE: Should I do it, George?

GEORGE: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

ELAINE: Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it.

(Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)

ELAINE (through her teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.

(the people at the table are confused)

ELAINE (through teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

PEOPLE AT TABLE: What? What is she talking about? What did she say?

(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: Did you see that?

GEORGE: What were you doing?

ELAINE (laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea...

JERRY: George, the phone's free.

GEORGE: Alleluia.

(as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing)

GEORGE: Excuse me, I was waiting here.

WOMAN AT PHONE: Where? I didn't see you.

GEORGE: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes!

WOMAN: Well I won't be long.

GEORGE: That's not the point. The point is I was here first.

WOMAN: Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.

GEORGE (yelling at her): You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.

(he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)

GEORGE: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!

(guy on phone approaches George)

GUY: Hey, sorry I took so long.

GEORGE: Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.

ELAINE: How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good.

JERRY: I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that?

GEORGE: Yeah, well, he probably bought it.

JERRY: So what happened with Tatiana?

GEORGE: I shouldn't even tell you this.

JERRY: Come on...

GEORGE: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.

JERRY: I'm with you.

GEORGE: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...

JERRY: This could only happen to you.

GEORGE: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

JERRY: You said this to her after.

GEORGE: No. During.

JERRY: Oh, boy.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Wow! So...?

GEORGE: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's

(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

(Elaine comes over)

ELAINE: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again.

JERRY (still trying to remember): Who is that woman?!

ELAINE: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

GEORGE: She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)

ELAINE: Jerry, talk to that guy again.

JERRY: What am I gonna say?

ELAINE: Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.

(as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)

MR. COHEN: Hey, what stinks in here?

Bruce (laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.

MR. COHEN: Well, I've been looking for a better place.

(Bruce laughs)

BRUCE: Better place... Want a table?

MR. COHEN: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here.

BRUCE (laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table.

JERRY: Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in.

BRUCE: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here.

ELAINE: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?

BRUCE: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.

ELAINE: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!

GEORGE: She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone.

JERRY: Didja leave a message?

GEORGE: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call.

ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...

JERRY: Where do I know her?

(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)

LORRAINE: Hello, Jerry!

JERRY: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

LORRAINE: How is everything?

JERRY: Good, good, good... What's goin' on?

LORRAINE: Oh, working hard. And you?

JERRY: Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.

LORRAINE: You haven't been around in a while.

JERRY: I know, I know... Well, you know.

LORRAINE: You should come by.

JERRY: Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.

ELAINE: Hi, I'm Elaine.

LORRAINE (shaking her hand): Lorraine. Catalano.

JERRY: I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...

(They all laugh, then silent)

LORRAINE: Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she leaves)

ELAINE (smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!

JERRY: Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble.

ELAINE: The one you broke the plans with tonight?

JERRY: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...

JERRY: ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.

ELAINE: You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie.

JERRY: Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!

(Elaine nods)

JERRY: Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.

ELAINE: Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.

JERRY: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?

ELAINE: Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.

GEORGE: 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?

ELAINE: Well what do you want to give him, change?

GEORGE: It's more than the meal!

JERRY: Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.

GEORGE: Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!

JERRY: I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?

GEORGE: Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested.

ELAINE: I guess it's you, Jer.

JERRY: Me? What about you?

ELAINE: Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.

JERRY: The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?

ELAINE: Give me the money.

(Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)

ELAINE: How's it going'?

BRUCE: Very busy.

(Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)

ELAINE: Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.

BRUCE: Very good specials tonight.

(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)

ELAINE: If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it.

BRUCE: What is your name? (he turns the page over the money)

ELAINE: No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)

BRUCE: Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.

ELAINE (Gives him the money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it!

(Bruce shrugs and takes it)

BRUCE: Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready.

ELAINE: No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.

JERRY: You lost the 20.

ELAINE: Well, how could he do that?

GEORGE: You didn't make it clear.

ELAINE: Make it clear?

JERRY: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back.

(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my friend here apparently made a mistake.

BRUCE: Your name?

JERRY: Seinfeld.

BRUCE: Yeah, Seinfeld 4!

JERRY: No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?

(Elaine waves at him, smiling)

BRUCE: Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend?

JERRY: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here.

BRUCE: Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together-

JERRY: Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?

BRUCE: Oh. In about five, ten minutes.

(Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.

ELAINE: So when are we gonna eat?

JERRY: Five, ten minutes.

GEORGE: We should have left earlier. I told you.

JERRY: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.

ELAINE: Oh, well I have to eat.

JERRY: Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.

ELAINE: Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?

JERRY: We'll eat it in the movie.

ELAINE: Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there?

JERRY: Well what do you suggest?

ELAINE: I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.

JERRY: I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something.

BRUCE (holding a phone): Cartwright?

ELAINE: I can't have popcorn for dinner!

BRUCE: Cartwright?

ELAINE (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray): I have to eat!

JERRY: So they have hotdogs there.

ELAINE: Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.

GEORGE: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check.

(goes over to Bruce)

GEORGE: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?

BRUCE: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up.

GEORGE: Well, was it for Costanza or...

BRUCE: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.

GEORGE: Well was it a woman?

BRUCE: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.

(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)

GEORGE: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.

JERRY: Who's Cartwright?

GEORGE: I'm Cartwright!

JERRY: You're not Cartwri-

GEORGE: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.

ELAINE: Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.

JERRY: So You're not going?

ELAINE: You don't need us.

JERRY: Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

GEORGE: Should we tell him we're leaving?

ELAINE: What for? Let's just get out of here.

(they all leave)

BRUCE: Seinfeld, 4?

[closing monologue]

JERRY: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!"

THE END

S2E12 - The Busboy

Broadcast date: June 26, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. CKramer

Guest Stars:

David Labiosa ...................... Antonio

Doug Ballard ........................ Eddie

John Del Regno .................... Manager

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A restaurant]

(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant. George hasn't eaten anything)

ELAINE: Do you want some of mine?

JERRY: Take some of mine.

GEORGE: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it.

JERRY: Who said you have to like it?

GEORGE: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.

JERRY: I don't like pesto.

GEORGE: Where was pesto 10 years ago?

JERRY: (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.

ELAINE: (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.

(George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do so)

JERRY: (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute.

GEORGE: That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

JERRY: I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight.

GEORGE: A guy?

ELAINE: (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.

JERRY: He's from a.. Yakima, right?

ELAINE: Seattle.

JERRY: Everybody's moving to Seattle.

GEORGE: It's the pesto of cities. So..?

ELAINE: (To Jerry) You tell him.

JERRY: Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman.

ELAINE: Ed.

JERRY: Who was in town on a business venture, and um..

ELAINE: ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.

JERRY: So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.

ELAINE: On some people.

GEORGE: Oooh.

JERRY: So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.

ELAINE: It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week.

(The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses the menu on the floor, and stomps it out. The manager approaches)

MANAGER: What happened?

GEORGE: Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.

MANAGER: Sorry to the disturbance.

ELAINE: (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.

(Manager leaves)

JERRY: (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.

GEORGE: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!

ELAINE: I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.

JERRY: (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything.

(The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant)

GEORGE: I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired!

ELAINE: Oh, I said it in a kidding way.

GEORGE: I didn't know he'd get fired.

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this.

GEORGE: What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!

JERRY: (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em.

GEORGE: Was it my fault?

ELAINE: Was it my fault?

JERRY: (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.

GEORGE: (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys.

JERRY: Oh, like you do.

GEORGE: Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.

JERRY: (Scoffing) Camp.

GEORGE: It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.

(The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)

JERRY: Elaine?

ELAINE: (Through intercom) Yeah.

(Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in)

JERRY: Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs.

GEORGE: Then why don't you try and get him another job?

JERRY: I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee.

GEORGE: What? Did you get the busboy's number?

ELAINE: His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?

(Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine)

GEORGE: How did you get all this?

ELAINE: Does the word "charm" mean anything to you?

JERRY: No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts.

GEORGE: (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.

JERRY: You, you're going now?

GEORGE: Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something.

JERRY: Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going?

ELAINE: I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.

JERRY: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set?

GEORGE: It'll take to long.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: Take the K-man. A little support..

GEORGE: (Unsure) I don't a..

KRAMER: Take me where? Where?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: An apartment building hallway]

(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's apartment)

GEORGE: Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much.

KRAMER: What am I gonna say?

GEORGE: I don't know.

KRAMER: Well, I'm not an idiot.

GEORGE: Certainly not.

KRAMER: Then we're cool.

GEORGE: Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.

KRAMER: (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy.

GEORGE: This is a guy I know.. Kramer.

(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)

KRAMER: ¿Habla espanol?

GEORGE: (To himself) Oh my God.

ANTONIO: Si.

KRAMER: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.

KRAMER: You got anything to drink? ¿Agua?

GEORGE: Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going.

KRAMER: Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink)

GEORGE: Hurry up.

ANTONIO: (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic)

KRAMER: His cat's gone.

ANTONIO: (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Antonio's apartment]

(All three sit in silence)

KRAMER: ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in

their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta worry about.

GEORGE: (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A lamp breaks) the lamp.

KRAMER: The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah.

GEORGE: (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)

KRAMER: You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.

KRAMER: It's been a week. It's up to the cat now.

JERRY: (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience.

KRAMER: Oh? How do you figure?

JERRY: (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open.

KRAMER: Why was I in charge of closing the door?

JERRY: (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him!

KRAMER: So!

JERRY: (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door!

KRAMER: Let me talk to him.

JERRY: (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up)

ELAINE: Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys?

(Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)

JERRY: No hello?

ELAINE: Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?

JERRY: Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.

ELAINE: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.

JERRY: (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?

ELAINE: I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping?

JERRY: There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?

ELAINE: Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!

JERRY: So, you two been, uh..

ELAIEN: No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..

JERRY: What's your airport route?

ELAINE: I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel.

JERRY: ..What about the Van Wyck?

ELAINE: I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.

JERRY: Oooh.

ELAINE: Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?

JERRY: You still using that old alarm clock?

ELAIEN: Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine and Ed are in bed. Elaine awakes to find out that it's 9:15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)

ELAINE: (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 9:15!

ED: 9:15?

ELAINE: Yes! 9:15!

ED: (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow.

ELAINE: Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed!

ED: Can I shower?

ELAINE: Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!

ED: I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day.

ELAINE: Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going?

ED: The kitchen.

ELAINE: The kitchen?!

ED: I've got a bag of cashews in there.

ELAINE: They're not making it! Let's get your pants on!

ED: What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day.

ELAINE: No! You have your ticket! You have to go now!

ED: I'll never make it.

ELAINE: Don't say that!

ED: But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane.

ELAINE: Shut up and pack!

ED: And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do?

ELAINE: You're talking too much!

ED: Where's my sweater?

ELAINE: What?!

ED: My brown sweater.

ELAINE: What? What sweater?

ED: My brown sweater.

ELAINE: You didn't bring a brown sweater.

ED: I brought a brown sweater.

ELAINE: Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater!

ED: That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.

ELAINE: It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase)

ED: What are you doing?!

ELAINE: NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)

ED: My shoes. You packed my shoes.

ELAINE: Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Anywhere in the city?

GEORGE: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.

JERRY: Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?

GEORGE: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.

JERRY: Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.

GEORGE: (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.

(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal)

ELAINE: (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming!

GEORGE: The busboy's coming?

JERRY: You don't mean here?

KRAMER: Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up..

GEORGE: He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later.

JERRY: Where are you going?

GEORGE: I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score.

JERRY: (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game.

KRAMER: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.

GEORGE: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I..

(There's a knock in the hallway)

KRAMER: Antonio. In here!

(Antonio enters)

GEORGE: (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going?

(Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug)

ANTONIO: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again)

GEORGE: (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..

(The intercom buzzes)

ELAINE: (Into the intercom) Yeah?

ED: It's Eddie.

ELAINE: He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up..

ANTONIO: And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)

(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a fight erupting from the hallway)

ED: Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off!

ANTONIO: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me!

ED: Who do you think you're talking to, pal?

ANTONIO: Hey, get your hands off me!

ED: Go to hell!

(Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them getting into a serious fight)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: He'll get another job. He's a busboy!

GEORGE: It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off.

JERRY: It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.

GEORGE: That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee.

ELAINE: Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks.

GEORGE: So, much longer?

ELAINE: Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?

GEORGE: (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important.

ELAINE: Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)

GEORGE: I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.

JERRY: Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight.

END OF SHOW.

Season 3

S3E1 - The Note

Broadcast date: September 18, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Ralph Bruneau ...................... Lloyd

Terri Hanauer ....................... Julianna

Jeff Lester ............................. Raymond

Flo Di Re ............................... Receptionist

Liz Georges .......................... Pam

Paul Rogers .......................... Man in Waiting Room

Dale Raoul ............................ Dental Patient

Joshua Liebling .................... Billy

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: Evry-Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. No, he's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. And everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."

[Daytime - Exterior of a building then inside to a Massage Room]

(Jerry is getting a massage.)

JULIANNA: ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.

JERRY: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?

JULIANNA: Excuse me?

JERRY: You know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be?

JULIANNA: I don't know.

JERRY: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

JULIANNA: Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.

JERRY: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?

JULIANNA: No.

JERRY: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.

JULIANNA: Oh.

JERRY: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.

JULIANNA (visibly uncomfortable): Have you seen any good movies?

JERRY: Who takes care of your boy during the day?

JULIANNA: We have a woman. Why?

JERRY: No no. I'm just saying.

JULIANNA: She had references.

JERRY: Oh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em.

(Julianna pauses to think about what Jerry is saying)

JERRY: (about the massage)You know I think this is really helping.

JULIANNA: I don't live near here, ya know!

(Jerry raises his head up and looks confused.)

[Jerry, Elaine and George are in Jerry's apartment. George is looking through the fridge.]

JERRY: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.

ELAINE: I don't like to talk during a massage.

JERRY: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.

GEORGE: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.

ELAINE: Oh! I forgot to tell you--

JERRY: I'm in the middle of a story.

ELAINE: Oh, okay, go ahead.

GEORGE: Why don't you ever go shopping?

JERRY: Well it’s not like it's a really funny story or anything.

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

ELAINE: Oh, wasn't that terrible?

JERRY: Yes, it was.

GEORGE: Not even an apple.

ELAINE: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.

JERRY: I know it was stupid.

ELAINE: Really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.)

JERRY: Hey, I just said it was stupid.

GEORGE: What about this leftover Chinese food?

JERRY: Take it.

ELAINE: I can't believe you said that.

JERRY: Hey, would you stop it already?

ELAINE: So, what’d she say?

JERRY: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.

GEORGE: (he just took a bite of the Chinese food ) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.)

ELAINE: I have a good masseuse you could go to.

JERRY: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.

(George closes the fridge door and pauses for a second contemplating what he just heard.)

GEORGE: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: You don't have to pay for the massage?

JERRY: Not if you have a doctor's note.

ELAINE: So where do you get this note?

JERRY: Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.

GEORGE: Right, your friend Roy.

ELAINE: What's the name of this physical therapist?

JERRY: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off.

GEORGE: And you don't have to pay.

(George and Elaine give each other a “sounds good” look)

[George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office.]

GEORGE: We have a, three-o'clock appointments.

RECEPTIONIST: George and Elaine, right?

ELAINE: Right.

RECEPTIONIST: Could you fill these out for me please? And um, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna…

ELAINE: (quietly) Ok.

RECEPTIONIST: … And George, you'll be with Raymond.

(George was just about seated when he hears the news, pauses for a second, then stands.)

GEORGE: Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes.

GEORGE: But, uh, Raymond is a man.

RECEPTIONIST: That's right.

(George sits down slowly, letting this sink in.)

GEORGE: I can't get a massage from a man.

ELAINE: Why not?

GEORGE: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.

ELAINE: No, I don't want the man either.

GEORGE: What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.

ELAINE: He'd just be touching your back.

GEORGE: He'd just be touching your back too.

ELAINE: No, it could get sexual.

GEORGE: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

ELAINE: I wouldn't be comfortable.

GEORGE: I would? What if something happens?

ELAINE: What could happen?

GEORGE: What if it felt good?

ELAINE: It's supposed to feel good.

GEORGE: I don't want it to feel good.

ELAINE: Then why get the massage?

GEORGE: Exactly!

(They go back to filing out the forms. A man walks up dressed in white.)

RAYMOND: George?

(George looks up, in stages, each time a little higher until he is looking up at Raymond’s face and pauses)

GEORGE: Yes?

RAYMOND: I'm Raymond. (with a big smile)

GEORGE: Hello.(with not a big smile)

RAYMOND: Are you ready? (smiling, he looks at Elaine. She smiles back at him while looking all the way up there at the tall, handsome Raymond.)

(George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond. Raymond puts his hand on George’s back for a second then removes it. George looks back at Elaine -- she continues to have a huge smile on as she watches them walk down the hallway)

[A shirtless George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George appears extremely uncomfortable.]

RAYMOND: …And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.

GEORGE: Really.

RAYMOND: Use to be a flight attendant.

GEORGE: Oh boy.

RAYMOND: Ya know, why don't ya, open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way.

(George looks back up at Raymond, who is massaging his left hand with his right hand while waiting for George. George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down to his hips. George appears completely startled. Raymond then starts massaging his lower back.)

RAYMOND: So what do you do?

GEORGE: What?

RAYMOND: I said, 'What do you do?'.

GEORGE: I-I don't know.

RAYMOND: You don't know what you do?

GEORGE: Nah.

RAYMOND: Ohh-ho, come on. Hey, you're very tense.

GEORGE: hu, Coffee. Too much coffee (nervous laughter).

RAYMOND: Okay, just take off those pants now, and I'll work the hamstring.

GEORGE: Oh, the hamstring’s fine.

RAYMOND: But you wrote that it was tender. (holding the clip board)

GEORGE: I wrote. Pfft, I wrote.

RAYMOND: I'll check it out. (makes a notation on the form)

GEORGE: Are you sure?

RAYMOND: Yeah, take 'em off. (continues writing)

(George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond rubbing his hands with oil. Raymond has a big smile on his face. Nervous, George takes his pants off, pauses for a second while holding the crumpled pants, he tosses them to the floor. Now dressed in just his boxer shorts and socks he quickly climbs back on the table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid with discomfort.)

RAYMOND: How did you hurt this?

GEORGE: I don't know.

RAYMOND: You don't know?

GEORGE: No.

RAYMOND: But you just told me--

GEORGE: Korea.

RAYMOND: You hurt it in Korea?

GEORGE: What?

RAYMOND: The hamstring.

GEORGE: Korea.

RAYMOND: How?

GEORGE: Hamstring.

RAYMOND: How did you hurt the hamstring?

GEORGE: Hotel.

[Elaine is in the waiting room -- moving her head and neck around she breathes in through her teeth, a sigh of relief. George walks out very slowly, he appears positively shell-shocked.]

ELAINE: How'd it go? George?

(George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.)

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.]

JERRY: No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.

(George enters acting nervous.)

JERRY: What's with you?

GEORGE: A... ah...

JERRY: Yes, A...?

GEORGE: A man gave me...

JERRY: Yes, a man gave you...?

GEORGE: A man gave me... a massage. hu, hu…

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh…

JERRY: He was what?!

GEORGE: He-he was uh… touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh)

JERRY: That's a massage.

GEORGE: And then I took my pants off.

JERRY: You took your pants off?

GEORGE: For my hamstring.

JERRY: Oh.

GEORGE: He got about uh, two inches from... there.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: I think it moved.

JERRY: Moved?

GEORGE: It may have moved, I don't know.

JERRY: I'm sure it didn't move.

GEORGE: It moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it.

JERRY: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.

GEORGE: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

JERRY: Okay, so what if it moved?

GEORGE: That's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move.

JERRY: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact.

GEORGE: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?

JERRY: That's what a gym teacher once told me.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.

JERRY: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?

KRAMER: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.

JERRY: No, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.

KRAMER: Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.

GEORGE: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.

JERRY: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.

KRAMER: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?

JERRY: He can have a donut,

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: …but not at Dinky.

GEORGE: I don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man.

KRAMER: Look I'm tellin-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio.

GEORGE: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.

JERRY: I never said I'd do that.

GEORGE: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.

JERRY: I don't know how I feel about it.

GEORGE: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?

JERRY: Alright, alright.

KRAMER: A stall man, huh? (small laugh)

GEORGE: All right -- (Gets up to leave)

KRAMER: Wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand)

[George and Jerry are in Roy's office.]

JERRY: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.

GEORGE: He didn't say he can't.

JERRY: I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all.

GEORGE: He doesn't feel funny.

JERRY: If he does.

GEORGE: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.

JERRY: He feels funny. You don't have to do this.

GEORGE: He knows that!

JERRY: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?

GEORGE: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

ROY: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?

GEORGE: How would I know?

ROY: Do you like him?

GEORGE: What do you mean, like him?

ROY: Do you like him?

GEORGE: I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.

ROY: How come you don't like him?

GEORGE: Why should I?

JERRY: What is the matter with you?

GEORGE: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?

ROY: So, you want the notes?

JERRY: You don't have to, really.

ROY: Nah nah, it's ok.

JERRY: We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?

[Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.]

JERRY: Well what about the week after?

(Jerry sits on the couch, but Elaine is a little too close to the end and he has to squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down)

JERRY: No appointments at all? (motions to Elaine to move over)

ELAINE: What? (he bumps her with his butt to move over)

(She tries to move, but Jerry is sitting on the edge of her dress. She has to tug on it, then move over.)

JERRY: Can I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.

ELAINE: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.

JERRY: Uh huh.

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Joe DiMaggio?

KRAMER: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied, his every move. For example, he dunks.

ELAINE: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?!

KRAMER: That's right.

JERRY: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

KRAMER: Oh, he's a dunker.

ELAINE: Why couldn't he be a dunker?

KRAMER: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, I-I, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that he’ll look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, bang (slams the table) You know, bang He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, yip (high pitched yelping noises) yip. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.

ELAINE: So then what?

KRAMER: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.

ELAINE: Why didn't you just call out his name?

(George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.)

JERRY: What happened to you?

GEORGE: These kids called me a Mary.

ELAINE: A what?

GEORGE: I was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) And they called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

KRAMER: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.

ELAINE: Hey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?

(George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers it, Jerry grabs it from him.)

JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel-- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud.

KRAMER (singing): ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...

JERRY: I told you.

GEORGE: Told me what?

JERRY: I told you we shouldn't do it.

GEORGE: He didn't say anything.

JERRY: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.

ELAINE: Three notes?

JERRY: Yeah, you, me and George.

ELAINE: You got me a note?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: But I got my own note.

JERRY: You what?

ELAINE: I got a note from my gynecologist.

JERRY: Why'd you do that?

ELAINE: I didn't know you were getting me a note.

JERRY: Of course I was getting you a note.

ELAINE: But you didn't say anything. Ohhh…

JERRY: Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.

GEORGE: No Doctor--

ELAINE: Wait a--

KRAMER: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah.

(Kramer leaves.)

[Jerry and George are at Roy's office.]

JERRY: Hi Pam.

PAM: Hello.

GEORGE: Hello.

JERRY: I just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um…

(Roy walks in.)

ROY: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.

JERRY: Hi Roy.

GEORGE: How ya doing?

ROY: Come on back, I have a patient but she's under.

[Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a dental chair.]

JERRY: I don't even know what to say.

GEORGE: Me neither.

JERRY: I knew this would happen.

GEORGE: Me too.

JERRY: I mean the whole thing, it's just...

GEORGE: Tragic.

JERRY: Well it's not tragic.

GEORGE: No?

JERRY: No, it's...

GEORGE: Unsettling?

JERRY: Okay. I mean, what if the--

(Pam walks in and interrupts.)

PAM: I hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away)

(Roy looks at Jerry and with his mouth closed -- smiles with his right cheek and frowns with his left cheek.)

JERRY: I'm not happy.

GEORGE: Me neither. I've never been happy.

JERRY: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now.

GEORGE: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.

JERRY: Yeah, college was fun.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah.

(Pam walks in again and interjects.)

PAM: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? (she turns and walks away again.)

ROY: Don't mind her.

JERRY: Oh please, I love her.

GEORGE: I've just met her but I'm very impressed.

ROY: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.

JERRY: Well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now?

ROY: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.

JERRY: What? The physical therapist? Why?

ROY: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.

(The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.)

GEORGE: How ya doing?

[Jerry and George are at Julianna's office.]

JERRY: Hi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.

JERRY: Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.

RECEPTIONIST: I told you, she's not here.

JERRY: You don't understand, ah…

RECEPTIONIST: Look, you have to leave.

JERRY: Wait a second, don't you--

(Julianna walks out with her child. When she sees Jerry, she pulls her son in front of her with her arms down on his chest to protect him from Jerry.)

JERRY: Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you think --

JULIANNA: Please!

JERRY: --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--

JULIANNA: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!

JERRY: Can't you just listen to me?

JULIANNA (releasing her child): Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!

(Julianna then runs down the hall.)

JERRY: The police?

(Raymond the masseuse walks up.)

RAYMOND: What is the --. Hi George. (stands there with a big smile)

GEORGE: Hello.

JERRY (to George): Raymond?

(George appears to be very uncomfortable.)

[Jerry, Elaine and George are at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: Well, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist.

JERRY: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.

GEORGE: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden I'll be, in the middle.

ELAINE: Of what?

(to Elaine, George makes a “you know” face and rolls his right hand open -- she responds with an equally silent yet somewhat disgusted face that says “Oh.”)

GEORGE: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"

ELAINE: What do they do?

GEORGE: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"

(Jerry spots Kramer through the window. He’s talking to a guy in a blue coat.)

JERRY: Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.

(Kramer enters and sits at the booth.)

KRAMER: Man, Ughhhh, wwwheh.… I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.

(All three put down their coffee cups simultaneously.)

JERRY: Did he say anything?

KRAMER: No no, he's fine.

JERRY (noticing something across the coffee shop): Oh my god, it's...

GEORGE (looking over): Joe DiMaggio.

ELAINE: (gasps)

KRAMER: Where?

JERRY: Having a cup of coffee.

(shot of a man in a suit jacket and tie, dunking a donut in a cup of coffee)

ELAINE: And he's dunking!

KRAMER: Yeah -- yeah.

JERRY: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper…

KRAMER: (quietly) yeah.

JERRY: …here.

GEORGE: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please.

KRAMER: Wait, wait… hold on now, wait, wait… bang (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) bang (again) yip (another high pitched yelping sound) yip yip See? I told you.

[Closing monologue.]

JERRY: What causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"

The End

Song over the end credits: Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

*Complete song lyric below this shortend version

(which is what we hear over the end credits)

— From the 1941 song, ``Joltin' Joe DiMaggio,'' about the 56-game hitting streak, written by New York disc jockey Alan Courtney and recorded by band leader Les Brown & His Orchestra (with Betty Bonney singing)

He started baseball's famous streak

That's got us all aglow

He's just a man and not a freak,

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio.

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

He tied the mark at forty-four

July the 1st you know

Since then he's hit a good twelve more

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

From coast to coast that's all you'll hear

Of Joe the one man show

He's glorified the horsehide sphere

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

Joe, Joe

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/joltinjoedimaggio.shtml

"The combination of proficiency and exquisite grace which Joe DiMaggio brought to the

art of playing center field was something no baseball averages can measure and that

must be seen to be believed and appreciated." - The New York Times

The legendary Les Brown Orchestra brought to life the words and music that Alan

Courtney and Ben Homer put to pen and paper in 1941. Those lyrics paid tribute to Joe

DiMaggio, were inspired by the fifty-six game hitting streak, and were aptly named Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. The song was written & performed during the season in which the streak took place AND that Joe DiMaggio won the Most Valuable Player Award that particular year (even though Ted Williams hit .406 that same season)!

- Complete lyric *

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

by Ben Homer & Alan Courtney©

Published: 1941

Performed by: Les Brown

Sung by: Betty Bonney

Hello Joe, whatta you know?

We need a hit so here I go.

Ball one (Yea!)

Ball two (Yea!)

Strike one (Booo!)

Strike two (Kill that umpire!)

A case of Wheaties

He started baseball's famous streak

That's got us all aglow

He's just a man and not a freak,

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio.

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

He tied the mark at forty-four

July the 1st you know

Since then he's hit a good twelve more

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

From coast to coast that's all you'll hear

Of Joe the one man show

He's glorified the horsehide sphere

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

He'll live in baseball's Hall of Fame

He got there blow by blow

Our kids will tell their kids his name

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

We dream of Joey with the light brown plaque

Joe, Joe DiMaggio

We want you on our side

And now they speak in whispers low

Of how they stopped our Joe

One night in Cleveland Oh Oh Oh

Goodbye streak DiMaggio

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

S3E2 - The Truth

Broadcast date: September 25, 1991

Written By Elaine Pope

Directed By David Steinberg

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Valerie Mahaffey ................ Patrice

Siobhan Fallon .................... Tina

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ...

[Monks]

PATRICE: Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats

GEORGE:I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?

PATRICE: uh uh

GEORGE: What if it rains?

PATRICE: They're art. You hang them on the wall.

GEORGE:Oh, art!

PATRICE: It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.

GEORGE: Any money in it?

PATRICE: Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos

GEORGE: Of course, right.

PATRICE: Thomas Carlisle, 1864.

GEORGE: Tommy C.

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.

KRAMER: I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited

JERRY: I don't blame you. I blame myself.

KRAMER: No, blame me.

JERRY: OK, I blame you.

KRAMER: Don't blame me.

JERRY: What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.

KRAMER: It was supposed to erupt.

JERRY: I find the whole thing very embarrassing.

KRAMER: You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.

JERRY: Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hi,

JERRY: Hi

ELAINE: Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.

(Jerry smiles)

ELAINE: What's so funny

JERRY: Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.

ELAINE: Uh, it's a riot Alice.

KRAMER: When do you pit the sauce on?

ELAINE: Any other time.

KRAMER: I like to strain the sauce.

ELAINE: And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room

KRAMER: Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

ELAINE: What are you doing? What is all this?

JERRY: Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.

ELAINE: O, your being auditted? What for?

JERRY: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.

ELAINE: When was this?

JERRY: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

ELAINE: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.

JERRY: Volcano? Really?

ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...

JERRY: Something to drink?

ELAINE: What did you think, that would impress me?

JERRY: You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans

ELAINE: Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

JERRY: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.

ELAINE: Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.

JERRY: No, that's Krama.

ELAINE: So, waddya' going to do?

JERRY: It's all taken care of.

ELAINE: How is that?

KRAMER: (chuckles)

JERRY: An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.

ELAINE: Why is she doing this?

JERRY: I don't know. It must be love.

[Monks]

GEORGE: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.

PATRICE: What did I do?

GEORGE: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.

PATRICE: You hate my earrings don't you?

GEORGE: No, no,

PATRICE: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.

GEORGE: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.

PATRICE: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.

GEORGE: I have a fear of intimacy

PATRICE: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?

GEORGE: Nothing. It's not YOU..

PATRICE: I want the truth.

GEORGE: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?

PATRICE: Keep goin'.

GEORGE: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

PATRICE: No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest.

GEORGE: Can I uh, can I walk you back to work?

PATRICE: I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe?

GEORGE: Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands

ELAINE: I don't blame ya'

JERRY: Have you ever been through an audit?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ...

(buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah

GEORGE: George

JERRY: Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor

GEORGE: My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle)

JERRY: And there's so much more to go.

GEORGE: Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth

JERRY: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?

GEORGE: Oh, oh, your papers

JERRY: What happened you didn't give her the papers?

GEORGE: No. I did.

JERRY: SO?

GEORGE: ...I broke up with her.

(Kramer leaves)

JERRY: You what?

GEORGE: I broke up with her.

JERRY: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?

GEORGE: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.

JERRY: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.

GEORGE: Oh, no. We left on good terms.

JERRY: How is that possible?

GEORGE: Because I uh, I told her the truth.

JERRY: Oh, my God.

GEORGE: It's OK.

JERRY: It's unheard of ...

GEORGE: She asked me to.

JERRY: So you lie! What did you tell her?

GEORGE: I told her that she was pretentious.

JERRY: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want

ELAINE: How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth?

GEORGE: Like what? What could they say?

ELAINE: There are plenty of things to say.

GEORGE: Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?

ELAINE: George, please.

GEORGE: Give me one.

ELAINE: You sure?

GEORGE: Yes.

ELAINE: What?

ELAINE: Forget it. You are very careful with money.

GEORGE: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me?

ELAINE: You asked me to.

GEORGE: You should have lied.

ELAINE: HUH, so should you.

JERRY: OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?

GEORGE:(ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now.

ELAINE: I know.

GEORGE: When I was working I spent baby.

JERRY: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers?

GEORGE: She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.

ELAINE: Pocketbook or a handbag?

JERRY: Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office.

GEORGE: Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)

JERRY: What? What?

GEORGE: She never came back from lunch.

JERRY: This is no good. This is no good. Call her house.

GEORGE: (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up.

JERRY: Not good.

GEORGE: All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)

JERRY: Not good

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a windshield.

JERRY: I can see that. What's it for?

KRAMER: I found it on the road.

JERRY: Yeah (to buzzer)

ELAINE: (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy?

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.

JERRY: wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch?

KRAMER: wow

(Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares)

ELAINE: hell-oo

KRAMER: hell-oo

JERRY: What's with you two?

ELAINE: You haven't told him?

JERRY: Tell me what?

ELAINE: Huh, go ahead, tell him.

KRAMER: I, I saw her naked.

ELAINE: He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked.

KRAMER: Well, you know, ... it was an accident.

ELAINE: Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know!

KRAMER: I thought it was a closet.

JERRY: Completely naked?

KRAMER: Completely naked.

ELAINE: Jerrryyy, How can I go on?

KRAMER: All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked.

(Kramer begins disrobing)

ELAINE: No thanks!

KRAMER: No, I want you to see me naked.

ELAINE: No, no no.

KRAMER: No, I want to show you.

ELAINE: No! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRY: OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.

(Kramer sits down picks up windshield)

ELAINE: What is this?

KRAMER: Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.

ELAINE: Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it.

JERRY: You'll sense it.

(George enters slowly)

JERRY: Well, what happened? Was she there?

GEORGE: No, no she wasn't.

JERRY: You didn't get my papers?

GEORGE: No, I didn't.

JERRY: Well, where is she?

GEORGE: A mental institution.

[Middle Monologue]

JERRY: Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot.

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: A mental institution?

KRAMER: You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head.

GEORGE: It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this.

ELAINE: Who told you this:

GEORGE: Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

KRAMER: My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.

JERRY: You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!

GEORGE: She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.

JERRY: So what now?

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: Can we go out there?

GEORGE: Where?

JERRY: Woodhaven.

GEORGE: We could.

[Woodhaven]

GEORGE: I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.

JERRY: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"

GEORGE: I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those.

JERRY: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.

GEORGE: Potato

JERRY: Tuberculosis

GEORGE: Blanket

JERRY: Leroy

GEORGE: Grass

JERRY: Tuberculosis

GEORGE: Oh, boy. Here she comes.

[Elaine's Apartment]

(African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes are piled high in the kitchen)

ELAINE: Oh, my god.

(Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.)

ELAINE: KRAMER!

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.

KRAMER: Listen uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa.

TINA: Kramer, are you coming back to bed?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.

TINA: Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table?

ELAINE: It's invisible.

KRAMER: So, is everything cool? or what?

TINA: Yeah, um, you seem little bit dysfunctional.

ELAINE: Well,

TINA: Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth.

ELAINE: The Truth!, You want The Truth?

[Woodhaven]

PATRICE: Who are you?

GEORGE: Oh, this is my friend Jerry.

PATRICE: Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want?

JERRY: Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George.

PATRICE: George thinks I'm pretentious.

GEORGE: Pretentious? Who, who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution.

PATRICE: You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here.

GEORGE: No, that's not it at all.

PATRICE: Don't LIE George.

GEORGE :I'M NOT A LIER!

GEORGE: Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent)

JERRY: Just chatting. Friendly.

GEORGE: All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices.

PATRICE: I know what you said. You can't change that.

GEORGE: What I said? I say stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things.

JERRY: It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook?

GEORGE: You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you.

PATRICE: You mean that?

GEORGE: Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile.

JERRY: He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.

PATRICE: Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies.

JERRY: there are no copies.

PATRICE: So are you saying you want to continue seeing me?

JERRY: Who makes copies?

[Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple.

(Elaine exits)

KRAMER: Oh,

TINA: Kramer,

(dancing in the dark to the music)

TINA: Here Kramer?

KRAMER: No, lets go to the couch...

(sound of smashing glass)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.

JERRY: Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt.

ELAINE: I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.

JERRY: George?

GEORGE: I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good.

(Kramer enter - all bandaged up.)

KRAMER: Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?

ELAINE: Yeah, I suppose I am.

KRAMER: All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab.

JERRY: You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.

GEORGE: Hey, I'm getting in on that.

ELAINE: You know you're chippin' in.

GEORGE: You're going that way anyway!

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!"

THE END

S3E3 - The Pen

Broadcast date: October 2, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Ann Morgan Guilbert .......... Evelyn

Annie Korzen ...................... Doris Klompus

Magda Harout .................... Stella

Roger Nolan ........................ The Chiropractor

Tucker Smallwood ............... The Photographer

rc: Morty, Helen, Uncle Leo, Klompus

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

[Setting: Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents]

HELEN: (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again.

MORTY: (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.

HELEN: Oh I think that's them!

MORTY: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

(Jerry and Elaine enter)

ALL: Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc.

MORTY: Welcome to Florida!

ELAINE: Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)

JERRY: Hey, there's the old man! (hug)

MORTY: So, what took you so long?

JERRY: Ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.

HELEN: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.

JERRY: What's the difference?

HELEN: You could have used our car.

JERRY: I don't wanna use your car.

HELEN: What's wrong with our car?

JERRY: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?

HELEN: We don't use it.

MORTY: What are you talking? We use it.

HELEN: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.

JERRY: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

HELEN: How much is a rent-a-car?

JERRY: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.

HELEN: What? You're crazy.

MORTY: Plus the insurance.

JERRY: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.

MORTY: How could you not get the insurance?

HELEN: We'll pay for the car.

JERRY: You're not paying for it.

HELEN: Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)

JERRY: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?

HELEN: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?

JERRY: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?

HELEN: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.

JERRY: (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.

ELAINE: (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?

JERRY: The lake isn't real.

HELEN: The lake is real.

MORTY: Are you kidding? They built the lake.

HELEN: But it's real. It's water.

(Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room)

HELEN: Where are you going with those?

JERRY: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.

HELEN: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.

ELAINE: I can't take your bedroom.

HELEN: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.

ELAINE: I can't kick you out of your bed.

HELEN: We don't even sleep.

JERRY: Ma.

HELEN: But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.

JERRY: (to Morty) What about you?

MORTY: Why should I be comfortable?

JERRY: (to Helen) What about him?

HELEN: Don't worry, he's comfortable.

MORTY: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

HELEN: Will you stop?

ELAINE: Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room)

HELEN: Jerry, (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together.

JERRY: Na, that's not such a good idea.

HELEN: Well I tought that...

JERRY: Not now. She's right inside.

HELEN: (quieter) What happened?

JERRY: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.

HELEN: What does that mean?

JERRY: Well...

MORTY: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering?

JERRY: Shh! Nothing, nothing.

HELEN: Elaine...

MORTY: (still loud) What about her?

JERRY: (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.

MORTY: (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

HELEN: He's an idealist.

MORTY: What the hell are you looking for?

JERRY: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.

HELEN: He likes looking.

MORTY: So look.

HELEN: But how long can you look?

JERRY: I'm going for the record.

(Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry)

HELEN: You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came.

JERRY: Oh, come on.

HELEN: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association.

(knock on door: this is Jack and Doris, neigboors)

MORTY: Aha!

DORIS: So they arrived safely.

MORTY: (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?

JERRY: Nice to see you. This is Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi. Nice to meet you.

JACK: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?

ELAINE: And scuba diving.

HELEN: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?

JERRY: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.

HELEN: What do you have to go scuba diving for?

JERRY: For fun.

HELEN: For fun?

MORTY: Jack have some spong cake.

JACK: No. thanks, no.

MORTY: Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing.

JACK: So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skits tomorrow?

JERRY: I don't think so.

JACK: No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket).

MORTY: What did you have? You had the minute steak?

JACK: Yeah.

MORTY: Did you have a coke or what?

JACK: I did NOT have a coke.

MORTY: Somebody had a coke.

HELEN: Oh I had a coke.

DORIS: And I had the scampi.

JACK: So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip.

MORTY: All right. Make it 20 bucks.

JACK: It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check)

MORTY: 19.45$ ?

JACK: See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president.

(Jerry notices Klompus's pen)

JERRY: What kind of pen is that?

JACK: This pen?

JERRY: Yeah.

JACK: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.

JERRY: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?

JACK: Oh it was a gift.

JERRY: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.

JACK: Take the pen.

JERRY: Oh no.

JACK: Go ahead.

JERRY: I couldn't

JACK: Come on, take the pen!

JERRY: I can't take it.

JACK: Do me a personal favor!

JERRY: No, I'm not...

JACK: Take the pen!

JERRY: I cannot take it!

JACK: Take the pen!

JERRY: Are you sure?

JACK: Positive! Take the pen!

JERRY: O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!

HELEN: Jack, what are you doing?

JACK: Stop it!

DORIS: Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice meeting you.

ELAINE: Mmm, nice to meet you.

JERRY: Thanks again.

JACK: Come on!

DORIS: (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)

HELEN: (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for?

JERRY: What he gave it to me.

HELEN: You didn't have to take it.

MORTY: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

JERRY: He offered it to me.

HELEN: Because you made such a big fuss about it.

JERRY: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?

HELEN: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute)

JERRY: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket.

HELEN: He loves that pen.

MORTY: Oh come on!

HELEN: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.

JERRY: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.

HELEN: He didn't think you'd accpet.

JERRY: Well, he was wrong.

HELEN: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (again we see Elaine smiling at their argument)

JERRY: So you want me to return it?

HELEN: Yes.

MORTY: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.

JERRY: Hey I don't even want the pen now!

MORTY: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!

ELAINE: Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it writes upside down.

(scene ends)

[setting: condo's guest room]

(Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep)

(knock on door)

ELAINE: Come in.

JERRY: Are you O.K. in here?

ELAINE: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?

JERRY: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

ELAINE: Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.

JERRY: Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

ELAINE: I am never gonna fall asleep.

JERRY: Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me.

ELAINE: How can they not put the air conditioning on?

JERRY: They're nuts with temperature.

ELAINE: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.

JERRY: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?

ELAINE: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.

JERRY: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)

(scene ends)

[setting: condo, morning]

(Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.)

MORTY: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me?

JERRY: Stay on Biscayne.

HELEN: You're going underwater?

JERRY: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.

HELEN: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?

JERRY: What's so special up here?

(Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain)

ELAINE: Oh!

(everybody get up and walk to her)

HELEN: What's the matter?

ELAINE: My back.

HELEN: What happened?

ELAINE: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.

HELEN: (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there.

JERRY: Then YOU would be hunched over.

ELAINE: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.

JERRY: You can't go?

HELEN: So stay home.

ELAINE: You can go.

JERRY: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.

HELEN: Don't go.

JERRY: You sure?

MORTY: Maybe you should see a doctor.

JERRY: We'll stay in a hotel tonight.

ELAINE: (whispering to Jerry) Yes!

HELEN: No, we'll stay in there.

JERRY: Why don't you get a new sofa?

MORTY: Nobody uses it.

JERRY: I'm buying you a new sofa.

HELEN: Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy.

ELAINE: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.

HELEN: You're hot?

ELAINE: I've lost 6 pounds.

HELEN: I don't even know how to work it.

MORTY: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

(Evelyn, a neighboor, enters)

EVELYN: Is everybody up?

JERRY: Hi. How are you?

EVELYN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Evelyn, this is Elaine.

ELAINE: (with pain) Hi Evelyn.

EVELYN: Jerry you got thin.

JERRY: Too thin?

HELEN: Oh stop worrying so much about how you look.

EVELYN: So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question)

JERRY: (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What?

EVELYN: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.

HELEN: How did you know that?

EVELYN: Blanche told me.

HELEN: Blanche?

EVELYN: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.

ELAINE: The astronauts use them.

HELEN: What did Blanche say?

EVELYN: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.

JERRY: I never really wanted the pen.

MORTY: He gave him the pen.

HELEN: Morty.

EVELYN: Why you don't like the pen?

JERRY: No, no, I...

EVELYN: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.

HELEN: Is that what she said?

EVELYN: Who?

HELEN: Blanche.

EVELYN: What are you talking about?

(The phone rings, Helen answers.)

HELEN: Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.)

ELAINE: Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER!

MORTY: (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it.

(the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.)

JERRY: All I said was "I like the pen".

(Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner)

MORTY: How the hell do you work this thing?

(scene ends)

[setting: still the condo, later]

(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)

HELEN: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.

ELAINE: No no, I wanna go.

HELEN: But your back hurts.

MORTY: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.

ELAINE: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.

HELEN: No. I'm fine.

ELAINE: You're not too cold?

HELEN: No.

(Jerry enters with a black eye)

JERRY: Don't be alarmed.

MORTY: Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?

JERRY: I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.

HELEN: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like?

JERRY: (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?

ELAINE: Having a good time!

JERRY: Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?

HELEN: What happened to your eyes?

JERRY: Well I started to go under...

HELEN: With the instructor?

JERRY: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

HELEN: I told you...

(Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar)

JACK: Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?

ELAINE: My back hurts.

JACK: Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready.

MORTY: We got plenty of time.

JACK: (to Jerry) What happened to you?

JERRY: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.

HELEN: It's from scuba diving.

JACK: What's there to see underwater?

(Helen turns to Jerry and makes a face like: give him back the pen)

JERRY: Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it.

JACK: You what?

JERRY: I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to Jack)

JACK: Well I mean...

JERRY: Take it.

JACK: All right! (he smiles and take it)

(Morty gets up and walks right to Jack)

MORTY: You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.

JACK: Whose pen?

MORTY: His pen.

JACK: This happens to be my pen.

MORTY: You didn't give it to him.

JACK: What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it.

MORTY: Where do you come off with this crap?

JACK: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?

MORTY: You said you didn't want it!

JACK: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!

MORTY: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?

(Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing)

JACK: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!

MORTY: Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!

JACK: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!

MORTY: I don't want it!

JACK: I don't want it!

MORTY: You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!

JACK: Listen do you think I give a damn?

MORTY: Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them.

JERRY: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

HELEN: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands)

JERRY: Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?

MORTY: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.

JERRY: Well. This should be a very interesting evening.

ELAINE: (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers?

(scene ends)

[setting: reception room, evening]

(Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle relaxers.)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Say astronaut.

(Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of the camera.)

ELAINE: Say what? (laughing) Say what?

JERRY: (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills.

MORTY: Astronaut?

HELEN: Say it.

JERRY, MORTY AND HELEN: Astronaut!

ELAINE: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut!

(the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.)

MORTY: Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you?

JERRY: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella)

JERRY: (to Leo) Uncle Leo.

LEO: Hello!

STELLA: Morty are you nervous?

MORTY: What nervous?

LEO: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?

JERRY: I've got a black eye.

STELLA: (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.

JERRY: Oh uh, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.

HELEN: (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA!

JERRY: (to Stella) Her back hurts.

STELLA: Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.

LEO: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.

JERRY: No, no.

LEO: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.

ELAINE: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA!

LEO: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you.

MORTY: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!

LEO: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.

(Jack and Morty exchange a look.)

STELLA: (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this.

HELEN: (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison.

(a few minutes later, the ceremony is about to begin. Someone in the crowd yells: "Hey Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.)

JACK: (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.

MORTY: (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him)

JACK: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy)

HELEN: (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking.

JACK: His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents.

MORTY: (to Jack, loud) That's what you say.

JACK: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing)

MORTY: (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up)

JERRY: Dad!

MORTY: (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!

JACK: He gave it to me!

MORTY: Come on. That's enough, sit down!

JACK: I'm not sitting down!

(they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight)

JACK: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.)

HELEN: Jerry, do your act.

JERRY: (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening.

HELEN: They're all gonna leave.

JERRY: (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry)

MAN IN THE CROWD: Who are you?

JERRY: (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

WOMAN IN THE CROWD: (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class.

(Elaine is almost asleep at the table)

JERRY: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?

MAN IN THE CROWD: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!

HELEN: (to Jerry) Do the dog routine.

JERRY: All I said was I liked the pen!

ELAINE: (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!

(Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears)

(scene ends)

[setting: condo, morning]

(Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still asleep in the guest room)

CHIROPRACTOR: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.

ELAINE: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?

JERRY: There must be some mistake.

CHIROPRACTOR: I'm afraid not.

ELAINE: (discouraged) Five days. Here.

HELEN: (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days!

JERRY: (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...

ELAINE: Excuse me?

JERRY: Nothing.

(Evelyn enters)

EVELYN: Good morning.

JERRY: Hi Evelyn.

EVELYN: (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?

HELEN: I don't think so.

EVELYN: Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case.

HELEN: Well I'll ask him when he gets up.

EVELYN: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.

(Morty gets up in a bad shape)

MORTY: Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing?

HELEN: I was very comfortable.

EVELYN: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out.

HELEN: It's in the constitution.

MORTY: (to the chiro) Who are you?

CHIROPRACTOR: I'm a chiropractor.

MORTY: What are you kidding me?

ELAINE: (to Jerry) Five more days?

JERRY: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)

(scene ends)

[setting: night club, closing monologue]

JERRY: Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: "Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going."

The End

S3E4 - The Dog

Broadcast date: October 9, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Joseph Maher ...................... Gavin

Tom Williams ....................... Bark of the Dog

Marvin Wright-Bey ............. Attendant #1

Kelly Wellman ...................... Attendant #2

==================================================================

[Opening monologue; Comedy Club.]

JERRY: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

[New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative (and inebriated) man.]

GAVIN: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him.

JERRY: Is he on the plane now?

GAVIN: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets?

JERRY: Uh, just my next door neighbor.

GAVIN: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible.

JERRY: Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching?

(Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression.)

JERRY: What's the matter?

GAVIN: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.

[Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the cabin where flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor.]

ATTENDANT #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital.

GAVIN: My dog. What about my dog?

ATTENDANT #1: Uh, you have a dog?

ATTENDANT #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?

(Jerry stares out the window.)

GAVIN: Jerry?

JERRY: Huh? How you feeling?

GAVIN: Would you take care of Farfel?

JERRY: Farfel?

ATTENDANT #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York?

JERRY: The dog? The dog??

GAVIN: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.

JERRY: But, you know, what if, you know?

GAVIN: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.

JERRY: The dog?

[New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.]

JERRY: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?

ELAINE: Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call.

JERRY (to Farfel): STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

ELAINE: If only.

JERRY: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back.

ELAINE: Hey, when you walk him, do ya...

JERRY: Do I what?

ELAINE: Do you pick it up?

JERRY: Yes, I pick it up.

ELAINE: You pick it up?!?

JERRY: Well you have to.

ELAINE: Oh, boy would I love to see that.

JERRY: SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?

ELAINE: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.

JERRY: No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.

ELAINE: No, milk.

JERRY: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.

ELAINE: What is a bender anyhow?

JERRY: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.

ELAINE: I can't believe he hasn't called.

JERRY: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative.

KRAMER: I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.

JERRY: You're breaking up?

KRAMER: Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.

ELAINE: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.

KRAMER: Woah, you didn't like her?

ELAINE: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.

JERRY: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.

KRAMER: How come you never said anything?

JERRY: Well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.

KRAMER: I tell you.

JERRY: You. I'm talking about people.

ELAINE: Are we still going to the movies tonight?

JERRY: No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me.

ELAINE: Just me and George?

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: But we need you.

JERRY: What do you need me for?

(Jerry's buzzer buzzes.)

ELAINE: Because... Yeah?

GEORGE: Prognosis Negative! (in a funny voice)

(Elaine buzzes George into the building.)

ELAINE: Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something?

JERRY: No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!

ELAINE: Just me and George alone?

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!!

JERRY: I can't go.

GEORGE: Can't go, Why not?

JERRY: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.

GEORGE: I thought Kramer was watching.

JERRY: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.

GEORGE: Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.

JERRY: No, I don't want that smell in the house.

GEORGE: You spritz a little Lysol on it.

JERRY: No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

GEORGE: So we're not going?

JERRY: Nah. You two go.

GEORGE: Oh. You still wanna go?

ELAINE: Do, do you?

GEORGE: If you want.

ELAINE: It,s, it's up to you.

JERRY: Go ahead.

ELAINE: Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon?

GEORGE: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go?

JERRY: I want to but I can't.

ELAINE: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: What about this--

JERRY: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time.

ELAINE: I know, it's not that.

GEORGE: It's just we want you to go.

JERRY: Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath!

[Comedy Club]

JERRY: On my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

[New scene. George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De Leon. They're obviously uncomfortable alone together.]

GEORGE: So how long did you live there?

ELAINE: About three years.

GEORGE: That's pretty long.

ELAINE: Hmm.

GEORGE: It's not that long, really.

ELAINE: Yeah.

(An uncomfortable silence ensues. They both speak at the same time, then stop. Another silence.)

GEORGE: And then you came here.

ELAINE: Yeah. So I've been here about six years.

GEORGE (Counting on his fingers): Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.

[New scene. Jerry vs. Farfel, part II]

JERRY: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!

[New scene. Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.]

KRAMER: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Wouldn't respect myself.

[New scene. Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.]

GEORGE: I like herbal tea.

(Elaine yawns.)

GEORGE: Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.

ELAINE: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.

GEORGE: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.

ELAINE: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.

GEORGE: You don't tell him?

ELAINE (laughing): No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!"

GEORGE (laughing): You don't tell him?

ELAINE: No.

GEORGE: That is so funny!

ELAINE: I know!

GEORGE: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!

(They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break out in more laughter.)

[New scene. Kramer has had a change of heart.]

KRAMER: Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love you! I can't live without you, I,ll, I'll do anything!

[New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking.]

JERRY: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? Last Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out!

[New scene. Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.

JERRY: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.

ELAINE: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.

JERRY (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, how soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay, see you in five minutes.

(Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.)

JERRY: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What?

ELAINE: Do you have to?

JERRY: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.

ELAINE: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.

JERRY: I'm in the book and I have a machine.

ELAINE: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.

JERRY: Really? How late are they open?

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What is it?

KRAMER: I went back with Ellen.

JERRY and ELAINE: Ohhhhh, that's great.

ELAINE: Terrific.

JERRY: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.

ELAINE: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.

KRAMER: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?

JERRY: Well I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.

KRAMER: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me.

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: I'm getting my pot.

(Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out.)

ELAINE: Kramer, we like her.

JERRY: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?

ELAINE: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.

JERRY: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said anything,

JERRY: Well.

ELAINE: Well.

JERRY: everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah?

GEORGE: Prognosis Negative! (again in a funny voice)

(Farfel begins barking.)

JERRY: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.

ELAINE: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault.

JERRY: It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is.

ELAINE: Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.

JERRY: I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative?

ELAINE: We'll see it Sunday.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative?

ELAINE: I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.

GEORGE: What does this mean?

JERRY: Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon.

GEORGE: What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound.

JERRY: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

GEORGE: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?

JERRY: I don't know, regular human time?

GEORGE: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?

JERRY: Why shouldn't I go here?

ELAINE: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.

GEORGE: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!

GEORGE: Hey, go.

ELAINE: Who's stopping you?

GEORGE: What, are you doing me a favor?

ELAINE: Like we care if you go to the bathroom.

(Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable.)

GEORGE: How's it going?

ELAINE: Good. Good. You?

GEORGE: Things are good.

(After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy off the floor and squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.)

ELAINE: Boy, he takes such a long time.

GEORGE: I know.

ELAINE: You know what he does in there? He gargles.

GEORGE: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?

ELAINE: Yeah, he does it like six times a day.

GEORGE: How come we never hear him?

ELAINE: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch.

(Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.)

GEORGE: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!

ELAINE: We talked about that already.

GEORGE: Oh.

[New scene. Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater.]

GEORGE: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.

JERRY: So what are calling me six times a day?

GEORGE: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.

JERRY: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.

GEORGE: Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.

JERRY: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?

GEORGE: Nothing except Prognosis Negative.

JERRY: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me.

[New scene. Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.]

ELAINE: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!

(The phone rings, Farfel begins barking.)

ELAINE: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have you been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.

[Cut back to Jerry and George.]

GEORGE: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing.

JERRY: I don't know what to do.

GEORGE: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.

JERRY: I know, I know.

GEORGE: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.

JERRY: It is kind of silly.

GEORGE: Of course it is.

JERRY: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake.

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: It's not like she's in the movie.

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.

GEORGE: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.

JERRY: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go.

GEORGE: Good.

JERRY: Saving movies.

GEORGE: Ridiculous!

JERRY: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in big trouble.

GEORGE: Oh, you're dead.

[New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. Farfel is barking as loud as ever.]

GAVIN: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!

JERRY: You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday.

GAVIN: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first, first rate facility, top notch physicians.

KRAMER: Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!

GAVIN: He won't hurt you, he's just playing.

KRAMER: Hey you keep that mutt away from me.

GAVIN: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours.

ELLEN: Kramer, are you coming?

JERRY: Oh, hi Ellen.

ELLEN: Get in here.

(Kramer sulks off.)

JERRY: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...

GAVIN: Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.

JERRY: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

(Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and out of Jerry's apartment.)

[New scene. Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: We made plans.

JERRY: Why don't we just rent a movie?

ELAINE: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.

JERRY: No, it&Mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, really bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. i...

ELAINE: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.

JERRY: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.

ELAINE: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.

JERRY: You and George got together?

ELAINE: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Hello.

KRAMER: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

JERRY: What's up?

KRAMER: Well, ah you were right.

JERRY: About what?

KRAMER: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.

JERRY and ELAINE, together: Awwwwww.

JERRY: Too bad.

ELAINE: I thought she was the one.

KRAMER: I'll bring back the pot.

ELAINE: Okay, c'mon it's movie time.

KRAMER: Hey, what are you gonna see?

JERRY: Prognosis Negative.

KRAMER: Hey, that's supposed to be great.

JERRY: It's not.

KRAMER: How do you know?

JERRY: I have an instinct for these things.

[Closing monologue; Comedy Club]

JERRY: I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

The End

S3E5 - The Library

Broadcast date: October 16, 1991

Written By Larry Charles

Directed By Joshua White

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Philip Baker Hall ................. Lt. Bookman

Ashley Gardener ................ Marion

Harris Shore ....................... Mr. Lippman

Cynthia Szigeti .................... Sandy

Biff Yeager .......................... Heyman

Neal Lerner ........................ The "Shusher"

Marie Barrientos ................. The Receptionist

Harris Shore's only appearance as Mr. Lippman. Richard Fancy assumes that role beginning in episode 29 ?The Red Dot."

==================================================================

[OPENING MONOLOGUE]

JERRY: Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual social life? he's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night, there's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere you know, kinky things cuz he's made out of wood an' he can spin his head around, we're somehow expected to believe because the face is soo animated that they think we aren't noticing that the feet are just swinging there, dummy feet never look right do they? they're just kinda dangling there, always kinda askew you know? you always see just little ankle, those thin fabric ankles that they have you know. Ya think 'I don't think this thing is real.'

[JERRY'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?

KRAMER: enters

JERRY: Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.

KRAMER: What's the problem?

JERRY: This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.

KRAMER: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000

JERRY: It doesn't work like that.

KRAMER: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000

JERRY: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...

FLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress)

JERRY: That orange dress is burned in my memory

KRAMER: Oh, memory burn.

JERRY: I wonder what ever happened to her.

KRAMER: How did they ever find you?

JERRY: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.

(buzzer)

JERRY: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library

KRAMER: You know I never got a library card.

JERRY: (to speaker) Coming down.

KRAMER: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,

JERRY: I gotta go to the library. You want to go?

KRAMER: Yeah,

[LIBRARY]

KRAMER: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

JERRY: Where's George

READER: Shhh.

KRAMER: Tryin' to save a quarter.

JERRY: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER

JERRY: This woman's completely ignoring me.

KRAMER: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.

JERRY: Eventually a little shot of penicillin

LIBRARIAN: Yes?

JERRY: Yeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail.

LIBRARIAN: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

KRAMER: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?

LIBRARIAN: It's true.

KRAMER: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.

LIBRARIAN: Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.

JERRY: Can I speak with this Bookman?

LIBRARIAN: Just a second.

(GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET)

GEORGE: Jerry, Jerry

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I think I saw him. I think it's him.

JERRY: Who?

GEORGE: Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: yeah

GEORGE: I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.

READER: Shhh.

JERRY: (whispers) Haymen, Are you sure?

GEORGE: He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.

JERRY: George got him fired. He squealed on him.

KRAMER: Ooh tattle tale

GEORGE: (yells) I didn't tattle

READER: Shh Shh

KRAMER: What did this guy do? What happened?

GEORGE: There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.

KRAMER: Oh come on, You can tell me.

GEORGE: Some other time.

KRAMER: What tonight?

(LIBRARIAN WALKS BY)

KRAMER: Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.

JERRY: Oh, he sang like a canary.

LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman's not here.

JERRY: Not here? Why was I told to come down here?

LIBRARIAN: He'll be out all afternoon on a case.

KRAMER: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

JERRY: Well what am I supposed to do now?

LIBRARIAN: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.

JERRY: All right Thanks. Come on lets go

GEORGE: Let's see if it's Hayman?

KRAMER: Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?

[PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES]

ELAINE: Where's Karen?

SECRETARY: She went to pick up lunch.

ELAINE: Well, she didn't ask me what I wanted.

SECRETARY: She must have forgot.

ELAINE: How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?

Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting a really weird vibe.

Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything.

SECRETARY: I don't know anything.

ELAINE: Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy."

(LIPPMAN ENTERS)

ELAINE: Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.

LIPPMAN: Elaine,

ELAINE: Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you?

LIPPMAN: Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold.

ELAINE: Ooh yeah, It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.

[AT MONKS]

ELAINE: I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.

JERRY: So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!

ELAINE: What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, George, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!

GEORGE: I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?

ELAINE: What did he do?

GEORGE: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.

JERRY: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,...

GEORGE: OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.

JERRY: I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.

GEORGE: Little baked beans

JERRY: Echh

ELAINE: Come on tell me what happened.

GEORGE: Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME!

[FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM]

GEORGE: ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...

HEYMAN: Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja

GEORGE: Yes, Mr. Hayman

HEYMAN: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.

GEORGE: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

HEYMAN: Boxer shorts, ha ha, Well what brand?

GEORGE: I'm not really sure, I...

HEYMAN: Well let's take a look.

(GEORGE gets a wedgie)

[BACK TO MONK'S]

GEORGE: He gave me a wedgie.

JERRY: He got fired the next day.

ELAINE: Why do they call it a wedgie?

GEORGE: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..

JERRY: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.

ELAINE: Boys are sick.

JERRY: Well what do girls do ?

ELAINE: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life.

(KRAMER ENTERS)

GEORGE: I gotta go back to the library and talk to him. I gotta find out if I&Mac226;m the guy who ruined his life.

KRAMER: Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya.

[MIDDLE MONOLOGUE]

JERRY: What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?

[JERRY'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?

BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?

JERRY: Coffee?

BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.

JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?

JERRY: No, I don't have--

BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee?

JERRY: Well, I don't normally--

BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?

JERRY: I don't.

BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.

JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that.

BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.

JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

JERRY: I try.

BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRY: Certainly not.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

(Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's door to leave)

[KRAMER'S APARTMENT]

KRAMER: What's wrong?

MARION: It's Bookman the library cop.

KRAMER: So I, I didn't do anything wrong.

MARION: I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.

KRAMER: Why don't ya' leave?

MARION: I can't.

(JERRY'S DOORWAY)

JERRY: No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...

[IN MONKS WITH SHERRY]

SHERRY: Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think.

JERRY: So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?

SHERRY: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.

JERRY: Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?

SHERRY: Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?

JERRY: No Black Jack?

SHERRY: Uch! Licorice gum? Never! We were ah, reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book,

JERRY: Tropic of Cancer.

SHERRY: No, Tropic of Capricorn

JERRY: Tropic of Capricorn?

SHERRY: Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ."

JERRY: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.

We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ...

[FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM]

JERRY: George, here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.

GEORGE: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it

JERRY: Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.

[BACK TO MONKS]

SHERRY: Where ya' going?

JERRY: It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE!

[LIBRARY]

KRAMER: Read another poem.

MARION: Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest.

KRAMER: Wow, that is great. You should be published.

KRAMER: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.

MARIAN: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: HELLO!

KRAMER: HELLO!

MARIAN: HELLO!

KRAMER: HELLO!

MARIAN: HELLO!

BOOKMAN (emerging): Hello!

MARIAN (turning, surprised): Mr. Bookman.

BOOKMAN: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?

[JERRY'S APARTMENT]

(Jerry in bedroom)

ELAINE: Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good

JERRY: Maybe you're getting' a raise.

(buzzer)

ELAINE: Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: It's George

ELAINE: George is on his way up.

JERRY: Wait 'til I tell him about the book.

KRAMER: (reading) sobs

ELAINE: Are you OK? What? What?

KRAMER: It's Marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing)

ELAINE: Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT

(Jerry enters).

JERRY: I'm right here.

ELAINE: Remember that Columbus book?

JERRY: Columbus, Euro trash.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Well, it's definetly him.

ELAINE: Him? Him who?

GEORGE: Him who? Hayman him.

ELAINE: Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?

GEORGE: Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus

JERRY: That was double overtime.

GEORGE: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.

ELAINE: At least it wasn't atomic.

GEORGE: It was.

JERRY: So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER

GEORGE: How should I know?

JERRY: Because I gave it to you.

GEORGE: Me?

JERRY: Yeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.

GEORGE: The locker room!

[THE LOCKER ROOM]

JERRY: Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.

GEORGE: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.

JERRY: All right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene.

HEYMAN: Can't Stand Ya'.

GEORGE: Yes Mr. Hayman.

HEYMAN: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.

GEORGE: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

HEYMAN: Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?

GEORGE: I'm not really sure, I...

HEYMAN: Well let's take a look.

(George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor)

GEORGE: (shouting) No No No!

[LIBRARY]

( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman)

JERRY: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.

BOOKMAN: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?

JERRY: What is your problem?

BOOKMAN: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.

JERRY: (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying?

ELAINE: Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.

JERRY: Oh, beautiful did he like them?

ELAINE: No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!

JERRY: (to George) Was he out there?

GEORGE: Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.

JERRY: I guess we'll never know.

[SOME BACK ALLEY]

HEYMAN: Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)

[CLOSING MONOLOGUE]

JERRY: Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.

THE END

S3E6 - The Parking Garage

Broadcast date: October 30, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

David Dunard ..................... Security Guard

Cynthia Ettinger ................ Michele

Gregory Daniel .................. Man in Corvette

Carlyle King ....................... The Mother

Adam Wylie ....................... The Kid

Joe Farago .......................... Man With Woman

Ron Evans .......................... Bodybuilder

Tucker Smallwood .............. Man in Mercedes

==================================================================

[ACT ONE SCENE A INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE FILE: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX.]

GEORGE: One left...what a joke.

KRAMER: You can have this one.

GEORGE: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.

ELAINE: Hey, I didn't get one either.

JERRY: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

ELAINE: This is what people do.

JERRY: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.

(THEY GET OFF THE ESCALATOR AND HEAD FOR THE CAR.)

[ACT ONE SCENE B INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER.]

GEORGE: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.

ELAINE: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?

GEORGE: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.

JERRY: Big accomplishment.

GEORGE: Fish. What do they do?

ELAINE: What do you do?

KRAMER: It's this way.

GEORGE: What time is it?

JERRY: Five o'clock.

GEORGE: Always late. Always late.

JERRY: You're not late.

GEORGE: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.

ELAINE: Who?

GEORGE: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?

JERRY: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.

ELAINE: Isn't it going the other way?

JERRY: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.

ELAINE: But it's Saturday.

JERRY: You got the picnic and burger traffic.

GEORGE: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.

(KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.)

ELAINE: What's the matter?

(HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING.)

JERRY: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?

(KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER.)

JERRY: (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?

KRAMER: No, no, I got it.

(AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.)

JERRY: (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?

GEORGE: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.

KRAMER: If you like her, go talk to her.

GEORGE: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.

KRAMER: She's fat.

ELAINE: Oh she's fat?

KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED.

ELAINE: What? JERRY Where's the car?

KRAMER: I thought it was here.

GEORGE: You don't know where we parked?

(KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW.)

GEORGE: Oh, this is great.

KRAMER: Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.

JERRY: I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.

ELAINE: I didn't pay attention.

GEORGE: This is just what I need.

ELAINE: I'm sure it's right around here.

KRAMER: It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.

GEORGE: There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.

JERRY: It's over there. I know where it is.

(NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.)

ELAINE: It's black, right?

KRAMER: Dark blue.

GEORGE: (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?

JERRY: There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.

THEY STOP...

JERRY: (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...

KRAMER: Didn't we come in over there?

JERRY: I thought it was over there.

(FROM THERE P.O.V. THE CAMERA DOES A THREE SIXTY AND WE GET A SENSE OF HOW ENORMOUS THIS PLACE IS, THEN)

ELAINE: How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?

KRAMER: About two hours.

ELAINE: (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.

GEORGE: It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF:

GEORGE & ELAINE WITH KRAMER & JERRY BEHIND THEM.

JERRY: I really have to go to the bathroom.

KRAMER: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J

ERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.

KRAMER: (CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.

JERRY: I'll wait.

KRAMER: You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.

JERRY: Alright.

KRAMER: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?

JERRY: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

(ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE...)

ELAINE: (RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.

(A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.

GEORGE: ...Six wrong?

ELAINE: Those school zones are a killer.

JERRY: (TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?

KRAMER: I'm gonna put it down behind that car.

HE DOES SO.

JERRY: You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?

KRAMER: (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.

GEORGE: Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.

ELAINE: (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.

KRAMER: Look at this place. It's huge...

GEORGE: I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.

JERRY: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."

GEORGE: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?

KRAMER: It's got to be here.

ELAINE: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.

JERRY: Maybe it's not on this level.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?

ELAINE: It felt like a couple of levels.

JERRY: You should always carry a pad and pen.

GEORGE: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

KRAMER: I have a pen.

THEY REACT...

JERRY: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."

MOTHER: (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?

ELAINE: Look at that woman.

SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

MOTHER: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.

GEORGE: (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?

MOTHER: (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?

GEORGE: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.

KID: (TO GEORGE) You're ugly.

GEORGE: ...What?

KID: You're ugly.

GEORGE: You are!

KID: You are!

(THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED.)

GEORGE: I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.

KRAMER: (RE: CAR) I found it!

ELAINE: He's got it.

KRAMER: Oh...no.

JERRY: All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?

ELAINE: Jerry, look at my fish.

(JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER.)

JERRY: His eyes look a little cloudy.

GEORGE: Oh are they gonna be furious.

JERRY: Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!

KRAMER: It was easy the last time.

ELAINE: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.

JERRY: No one's going to do that.

(ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR.)

ELAINE: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.

MAN #1: (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry.

ELAINE: Five minutes.

MAN #1: Can't do it.

ELAINE: We're not wilding.

THEY LEAVE.

(SHE APPROACHES TWO GIRLS - EARLY TWENTIES, MALL KIDS.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...

(THEY START LAUGHING.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?

(THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.)

JERRY: Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?

KRAMER: Right here at the mall.

(BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD.)

ELAINE: Excuse me...

(HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.

(CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.)

JERRY: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.

KRAMER: You drank a whole bottle of water.

JERRY: I know.

KRAMER: So why don't you just go?

JERRY: No I can't.

KRAMER: Don't you get tired of following rules?

JERRY: You think I'm too cautious?

KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.

JERRY: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.

KRAMER: Buddy Hackett?

JERRY: He's a comedian.

KRAMER: I know.

JERRY: All right. All right.

KRAMER: (pointing) You can go over here.

JERRY: I can manage.

KRAMER: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)

KRAMER: It'll take you ten seconds.

HE NUDGES JERRY.

JERRY: Okay, okay. I'll be right back.

(WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.)

SECURITY GUARD: Okay, let's go. Come with me.

JERRY: But...

SECURITY GUARD: Come on.

JERRY: (STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer

(END OF ACT ONE)

[ACT TWO SCENE C INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE - A SMALL ROOM WITH A DESK AND A CHAIR. JERRY PLEADS FOR HIS RELEASE.]

JERRY: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.

SECURITY GUARD: Well you're still not allowed.

JERRY: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?

SECURITY GUARD: That's up to you.

JERRY: So you don't care if I die.

SECURITY GUARD: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.

JERRY: It was life and death.

SECURITY GUARD: Uh huh.

JERRY: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.

SECURITY GUARD: I don't know.

JERRY: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

JERRY: (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.

SECURITY GUARD: You can tell the police all about it.

[ACT TWO SCENE D INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE.]

KRAMER: (CALLING OUT) Jerry!

ELAINE: Jerry!

GEORGE: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.

ELAINE: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.

GEORGE: Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.

GEORGE: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.

ELAINE: No, no, I'll be back.

(SHE LEAVES.)

GEORGE: Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.

KRAMER: Does that bother you?

GEORGE: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?

KRAMER: Not at all.

GEORGE: See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?

KRAMER: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?

[ACT TWO SCENE E INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD.]

JERRY: First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.

SECURITY GUARD: I know what you did.

JERRY: Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.

JERRY: (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah I'm sure.

JERRY: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.

[ACT TWO SCENE F INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY. SHE'S TALKING TO AN OLDER BLACK MAN ABOUT TO GET IN HIS CAR.]

ELAINE: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.

MAN #1: I can't do it.

ELAINE: But why? Why can't you do it?

MAN #1: I can't.

ELAINE: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

MAN #1: That's right.

ELAINE: But why? Why don't you want to?

MAN #1: I don't know.

ELAINE: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

MAN #:1 No, I wouldn't.

[ACT TWO SCENE G INT. SECURITY SHACK]

JERRY: (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.

JERRY: (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.

[ACT TWO SCENE H INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE CAR.]

KRAMER: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.

GEORGE: (NOT INTERESTED) Really.

KRAMER: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?

GEORGE: Who's Killer Kowalski?

KRAMER: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.

GEORGE: I've gotta go to the bathroom.

KRAMER: So go. GEORGE Here?

KRAMER: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.

(GEORGE WALKS OUT OF THE FRAME AS KRAMER CONTINUES TO SCAN THE GARAGE. CUT TO GEORGE FINISHING UP. HE ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS, STARTLED. CUT TO THE SAME SECURITY GUARD, ARMS FOLDED, STARING AT HIM.)

[ACT TWO SCENE J INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD.]

GEORGE: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...

SECURITY GUARD: Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?

JERRY: (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?

GEORGE: (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison?

[ACT TWO SCENE K INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY.]

KRAMER: George! George!

[ACT TWO SCENE L INT. PARKING GARAGE]

ELAINE: Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH)

[ACT TWO SCENE M INT. PARKING GARAGE - JERRY AND GEORGE ARE BACK IN THE GARAGE EACH HOLDING THEIR SUMMONS.]

JERRY: Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.

JERRY: Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.

ELAINE: (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!

ELAINE: (O.C.) Jerry! Over here...

(NOW THEY SPOT HER.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) Where have you been?

JERRY: I was arrested for urinating.

GEORGE: (PROUDLY) Me too.

ELAINE: You what?

JERRY: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.

ELAINE: Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...

JERRY: No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)

ELAINE: (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.

MAN #2: Can't do it.

ELAINE: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?

MAN #3: Sorry. (THEY KEEP WALKING.)

ELAINE: That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.

(THEY LOOK BACK AT HER.)

ELAINE: (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?

GEORGE: Elaine, shut-up.

JERRY: Hey, where's Kramer?

GEORGE: I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?

ELAINE: I thought he was with you.

GEORGE: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...

(HE LOOKS AT JERRY'S WATCH AND THROWS HIS HANDS UP.)

GEORGE: (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.

ELAINE: Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?

GEORGE: We came in over there!

ELAINE: We didn't come in over there!

JERRY: Where's Kramer?

(JERRY SEES THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN THEY TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, AMY.)

JERRY: Hey George, there she is again. ...

GEORGE: So what do you want me to do?

JERRY: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.

GEORGE: That is an opening.

(GEORGE TENTATIVELY APPROACHES HER...)

GEORGE: (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...

AMY: Oh sure, I'll drive you around.

GEORGE: You will?

AMY: Sure.

(GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE.)

GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.

AMY: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: Filthy pigs.

(THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR.)

GEORGE: It's a blue Honda...

AMY: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.

ELAINE: Hi, I'm Elaine.

JERRY: Jerry.

AMY: Hello.

ELAINE: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.

AMY: I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy.

GEORGE: Hi Amy, I'm George.

(GEORGE TURNS TO THE BACK SEAT AND GIVES AND GIVE A, "HOW BOUT THIS?" LOOK.)

[ACT TWO SCENE N INT. PARKING GARAGE - MINUTES LATER LONG SHOT OF CAR - THE BRAKES SQUEAL AND THE CAR COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP, THEN GEORGE, ELAINE, AND JERRY GET OUT.]

GEORGE: (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...

(SHE PULLS OUT, LEAVING RUBBER, THEN)

GEORGE: (CONT'D) ...with that group.

ELAINE: (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?

JERRY: Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.

ELAINE: I'll say.

(THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING.)

ELAINE: What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!

JERRY: The car!

GEORGE: The car!

ELAINE: We found it. I can't believe it!

THEY WALK TO IT...SUDDENLY GEORGE STOPS.

GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!

JERRY: Kramer!

(THEY ALL SLUMP AGAINST THE CAR. ELAINE HOLDS UP HER FISH)

[ACT TWO SCENE P INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER SAME SHOT - BUT NO FISH. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN MAKE OUT KRAMER STRUGGLING WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. JERRY TAPS ELAINE WITH HIS ELBOW. ELAINE TAPS GEORGE. WE STAY ON KRAMER AS HE GETS CLOSER.]

JERRY: Kramer.

KRAMER: Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah, over here.

KRAMER: Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?

GEORGE: Purple 23.

KRAMER: Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.

GEORGE: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.

(THEY GET IN THE CAR.)

KRAMER: What time is it?

GEORGE: Seven forty-five.

KRAMER: Well at least there's no traffic.

GEORGE: Right.

KRAMER: What time does that play start?

GEORGE: Eight o'clock.

KRAMER: That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...

(JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT.)

KRAMER: (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?

SILENCE. HE STARTS UP THE CAR AND AS THEY HEAD OUT... FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO

The End

S3E7 - The Cafe

Broadcast date: November 6, 1991

Written By Tom Leopold

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brian George ...................... Babu Bhatt

Dawn Arnemann ................ Monica

==================================================================

[Opening monologue.]

You know there's like always one, location in your neighborhood, one store location that's constantly, changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, then it's a yogurt shop, then it's a pet supply. It's like constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in the mother ship from Close Encounters, the bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out, in a daze going ?I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you??

[George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.]

GEORGE: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't nice.

JERRY: This is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.

GEORGE: Why is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

JERRY: What's that smell? What are you wearing?

GEORGE: What, a 'little' cologne.

JERRY: Manly.

GEORGE: Monica wants me to wear it.

JERRY: So why didn't you say no?

GEORGE: I'm too nice.

JERRY: Look at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan -- they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.

GEORGE: She wants me to take an IQ test.

JERRY: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

GEORGE: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig.

JERRY: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.

GEORGE: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.

JERRY: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.

GEORGE: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.

JERRY: Who thinks you're smart?

GEORGE: I'm not going to break a hundred on this thing.

JERRY: What thing?

GEORGE: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!

JERRY: Oh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.

GEORGE: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

JERRY: What'd ya get?

GEORGE: What did I get or what do I say I got?

JERRY: What do you say?

GEORGE: I say fourteen o nine (1409).

JERRY: 1409, that's a good score.

GEORGE: Psst, You're telling me.

JERRY: What did you really get?

GEORGE: You are my friend.

JERRY: Of course.

GEORGE: I tell you everything, right?

JERRY: I hope so.

GEORGE: Well, this I take to the grave.

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.]

JERRY: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.

ELAINE: Why do you keep watching?

JERRY: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for  survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for  him for a second.

ELAINE: And then you flush.

JERRY: Well, it's a spider.

ELAINE: You know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.

(Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.)

ELAINE: Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.

JERRY: Bazooka Joe.

(Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at and motions with his arm to Elaine who is closer to the door.)

JERRY: The buzzer.

ELAINE: It's your house.

JERRY: My house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom)

INTERCOM: It's George.

JERRY: Come on up.

ELAINE: Casus belli.

JERRY: What's that?

ELAINE: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.

JERRY: Come on, Go in, go in!  [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again]

ELAINE: Have you gone in there?

JERRY: No, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him.

(George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.

(Elaine sniffs around George.)

GEORGE: I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

ELAINE: Sure, fine.

JERRY: Casus belli.

ELAINE: Casus belli.

GEORGE: What's that?

ELAINE: Since when do you wear cologne?

GEORGE: Why is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.

JERRY: Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?

GEORGE: I didn't take it, yet.

(Elaine opens up the newspaper and starts leafing through it, reading some articles while still maintaining her part of the conversation)

ELAINE: What IQ test?

GEORGE: What's casus belli.

JERRY: Oh, it's nothing...

GEORGE: Is it about me?

JERRY: Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live?

ELAINE: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?

JERRY: This woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.

ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like fun.

GEORGE: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.

ELAINE: You'll do well, you're smart.

JERRY: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.

ELAINE: Wha'd you get on your SAT's?

GEORGE: It varies.

JERRY: You know, I don't even know my IQ.

ELAINE: huh, Mine's 145.

GEORGE: 145!

JERRY: Get out of here!

ELAINE: You get out of here!

JERRY: You get out of here!

ELAINE: Huhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing)

GEORGE: Shst, You should take the test for me.

ELAINE: Huh.

JERRY: Boy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test.

GEORGE: Haha (laughs)

JERRY: Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.  (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.)

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why don't we do it again?

(Jerry tosses something to Elaine and she catches it)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out a window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.

ELAINE: Are you serious?

GEORGE: Why not?

ELAINE: Where would I take the test?

GEORGE: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. You could take it here or go to the coffee shop.

ELAINE: No, that'd be too noisy.

JERRY: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

ELAINE: Hey, what do you think?

JERRY: Hey, I love a good caper.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's what is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.

GEORGE: You'll do it?

ELAINE: What the hey.

GEORGE: Yeaah, beautiful... (They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry...

[Dream Cafe. Babu anxiously looking out the window. Jerry comes in.]

Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.

JERRY: Well, ah, I've been looking forward to it.

BABU: Oh, ah how did you hear about us?

JERRY: Eh, people, people are talking.

BABU: Smoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both.

JERRY: Ah, non-smoking would be great.

BABU: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure.

JERRY: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]

BABU: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

JERRY: Well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow?

BABU: Oh, the turkey.

JERRY: Well then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years.

BABU: You're very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...

JERRY: (thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?

[George is taking a test in Monica's bedroom.]

GEORGE: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.

MONICA: But why?

GEORGE: I won't be able to, concentrate in front of you.

MONICA: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.

GEORGE: Are you kidding me? [Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence.

MONICA: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

GEORGE: Well, I think you're wrong about that.  [Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please.

MONICA: Good luck.

GEORGE: Don't need it. N'huhuhu (laughs)

(Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting outside.)

ELAINE: What's been going on out there? I've been standing here 20 minutes.

GEORGE: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this - hhe.

ELAINE: All right, what time do you want me back here.

GEORGE: Ah, ah, twenty to three.

ELAINE: Ok.

GEORGE: Thanks again.

ELAINE: All right.

GEORGE: A-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs)

(George gives Elaine the thumbs up, closes the window and then gives her the OK sign.)

[Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.]

JERRY: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.

BABU: It is in deed my pleasure.

JERRY: Oh, please...

(Elaine comes in carrying the envelope with the IQ test and a pencil in her mouth.)

BABU: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. (runs to get a menu.) Our specials today...

ELAINE: Oh, no no no. I'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from Jerry)

BABU: Tea and toast.

JERRY: Eat something! Babu...

ELAINE: Um, ok, ah well I'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni.

BABU: Oh, oh very good choice. Very good.

(Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.)

JERRY: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.

ELAINE: I know.

(Kramer comes in.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Oh boy. Woop...

(Kramer sitting down at the table next to Elaine - he sits a bit too hard and shakes the table -- silverware and plates rattle ... mustard bottle teetering - thus startling Elaine, who stops the test for a moment, but gets right back to it.)

KRAMER: Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...  (pats her on the shoulder twice.)

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: Well, I'm not giving it back.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: Well because I meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. I mean why do you think my mother went out with him?

(Kramer takes some nachos and spills some of them on the IQ test.)

KRAMER: Oh, gees...

ELAINE: Ok,

KRAMER: You're all right

ELAINE: Yeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.)

KRAMER: (eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?

JERRY: Statute.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.

KRAMER: No, it's statue.

JERRY: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

KRAMER: Wait a minute, Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?

ELAINE: Statute.

KRAMER: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

ELAINE: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a lot of time.

KRAMER: What test?

ELAINE: An IQ test.

KRAMER: Hmm. Why you takin' an IQ test?

ELAINE: It's for George.

KRAMER: George?

ELAINE: Yeah, can-look ... can I explain it to you later?

KRAMER: Yeah, but why are you taking an IQ test for George?

ELAINE: Would you please?!

KRAMER: What, is it for a job or something?

ELAINE: Later!

KRAMER: You're positive it's statute?

ELAINE: Yes, yes! (Jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing)

BABU: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face towel for your... (gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams, Elaine screams and Kramer falls from his chair.  He gets up and is dazed)

[Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.]

MONICA: George?

GEORGE: Yeah?

MONICA: The door is locked.

GEORGE: Oh, it's locked?

MONICA: I need to get something.

GEORGE: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page)

MONICA: George!

GEORGE: Wish I could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.)

[Dream Cafe. Babu is cleaning and singing -- Jerry is seemingly enjoying Babu's singing as Elaine gets distracted from the IQ test.]

BABU: Nananeena, Ladadeeda, laadadeeda, saadina.... Laadadeeda sa saadina (singing too loud)

ELAINE: Babu! Ba-If-if ya don't mind?

BABU: Set. ok

ELAINE: Set.

BABU: I'll get it ...

(Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.)

ELAINE: Oh my God! It's all over the test!

BABU: Oh, I did sc-I'm terribly sorry.

JERRY: Oh my God.

ELAINE: Oh man! Look at this... I'm out of time anyway.

BABU: Please, forgive me, please...

JERRY: Go ahead, I'll take care of it.

ELAINE: Uhh.

BABU: (opens the door for Elaine) Please, I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!

(Babu sits down at the table and Jerry sits down across from him)

JERRY: It's all right, she was cheating anyway.

BABU: You're a very kind man.

JERRY: Babu, you're Pakistani, right?

BABU: Yes, Pakistani, yes.

JERRY: Babu, may I say something?

BABU: Of course, you're very smart man, I listen.

JERRY: I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example.

BABU: But there are no Pakistani people here.

JERRY: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.

BABU: Yes, you see everything, don't you?

JERRY: Well, you know; not everything. I do what I can.

BABU: I close down today and when I open again it'll be all Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you so much, you're very special person, very special.

(Babu leaves)

JERRY (thinking) I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

[Elaine is giving the test back to George.]

ELAINE: It was an accident.

GEORGE: What did you go on a picnic?

ELAINE: Babu Bhatt did it.

GEORGE: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?

MONICA: Time's up George.

GEORGE: U-ok. (George closes the window and shoos Elaine off. He opens the door to Monica.) Here you go.

MONICA: How did you do?

GEORGE: Piece of cake; hu.

MONICA: What happened to the test?

GEORGE: What? Oh I spilled some food on it.

MONICA: Food? What food?

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

MONICA: Where did you get food?

GEORGE: From my pocket.

MONICA: Your pocket?

GEORGE: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

MONICA: And coffee?

GEORGE: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.

MONICA: Where did you get the coffee?

GEORGE: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh)

MONICA: How did you get there?

GEORGE: I walked.

MONICA: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.

GEORGE: I climbed out the window.

MONICA: You climbed out the window?

GEORGE: Of course.

MONICA: Why didn't you go out the door?

GEORGE: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.

MONICA: You're a fascinating man, George Costanza.

(George spreads his arms wide, elbows slightly bent -- his head bobbles a little bit.)

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign on the window: Closed for renovation.]

JERRY: The average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.

ELAINE: You're very special.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.

JERRY: Of course, I always do.

KRAMER: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.

ELAINE: Just give it back to him.

KRAMER: Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)

(Jerry sees George from the window.)

JERRY: Hey Georgie!

GEORGE: Coming up.

JERRY: How'd you do on the IQ test?!

GEORGE: 85!

JERRY: What?!!

GEORGE: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

(Jerry laughs, pounding the window sill 3 times with his open palm.)

ELAINE: 85?

JERRY: Well, well, well...

ELAINE: He's coming up?

JERRY: Well, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

ELAINE: Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.

JERRY: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles...

(George comes in looking angry.)

GEORGE: Oh, hello Professor.

ELAINE: George, I cannot believe...

GEORGE: Please...

ELAINE: No there has got be a mistake.

GEORGE: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

JERRY: But an 85?

ELAINE: Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

JERRY (mocking) It was a madhouse.

ELAINE: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.

GEORGE: Ooh ho hoo, forget it.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, come on. I?ll guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?

GEORGE: You could do worse!

ELAINE: No, no, come on. I guarantee it.

GEORGE: All right, I'll ask her.

ELAINE: Ok, now where I'm going to take it.

JERRY: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is at the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.]

JERRY: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

BABU: You see how I listen. I work very hard, borrow more money.

JERRY: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.

BABU: You wish to eat?

JERRY: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen -- tell your chef I want the works.

BABU: Very good.

JERRY (thinking) Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.]

[Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.]

[Jerry's monologue.]

You know the IQ test, an they always have that sample question at the beginning where they show you how to fill in the circle. This should be the first elimination point right there. Anybody goes outside that circle,... ?Yeah, you wanna come with us please.   Yeah, yeah you're done, your test is over, you went outside the circle ok??

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test, slaps down the pencil and stuffs the test back in the envelope.  She checks her watch for the time, stretches her arms above her head.]

ELAINE: (stretching) Oh Man... Uunh.

(Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.)

ELAINE: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.

ELAINE: What's going on?

MAN BEHIND THE DOOR: Hey, Kramer! I saw you go there! I'm not leaving until you gimme that jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer!

ELAINE: Wha'd you come in here for?

KRAMER: Ah, well I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

(3 more Bangs on the door)

ELAINE: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.

KRAMER: I thought you took the test.

ELAINE: I had to take it again.

KRAMER: How come?

ELAINE: What's the difference?!!

(3 more Bangs on the door)

KRAMER: Well, you can't leave now.

ELAINE: What?

MAN BEHIND THE DOOR: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!

KRAMER: Never!

(4 more Bangs on the door)

[Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.  3 light knocks on the bedroom door]

MONICA: Come on George, open up.

(George anxious and quietly frustrated -- he reluctantly opens the door.)

MONICA: Well?

(George shakes her hand and clasping his left hand over hers -- creating a hand sandwich.)

GEORGE: How' you doing?

MONICA: Where's the test?

GEORGE: Hunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee...

[Dream Cafe. Babu is looking at Jerry as he eats.]

JERRY: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?

BABU: The shrimp is stringy?

JERRY: Well, maybe your refrigerator...

BABU: Quiet!!

JERRY: No I...

BABU: You shut up!

JERRY: Well I...

BABU: You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!

JERRY: You know, I think I'll just take the check.

BABU: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]

JERRY: (thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?

[Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open it.]

MONICA: Are you looking for George?

ELAINE: Well eh, kind of....

MONICA: George left.

ELAINE: Oh.

MONICA: Is, that the test?

ELAINE: Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.

MONICA: Thanks. I hope you do a lot better this time.

ELAINE: Actually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate.

[At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.]

[George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.]

JERRY: You know what it was, bad location.

GEORGE: Come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her.

JERRY: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

KRAMER: h-Yeah...

JERRY: Oh, sorry.

KRAMER: I'm going upstairs.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey guys...

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.

JERRY: 151?

ELAINE: Yeah..heheah (laughing a bit)

GEORGE: That's a good score.

JERRY: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

GEORGE: Italian.

ELAINE: No, Chinese.

JERRY: You know, what would be great?

(George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.)

[Closing monologue.]

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good deed doers. Your Lone Rangers, your Superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm rentin' here, They got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"

The End

S3E8 - The Tape

Broadcast date: November 13, 1991

Written By Larry David and Bob Shaw & Don McEnery

Directed By David  Steinberg

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

John Apicella ...................... Repairman

Ping Wu  ............................ Delivery Boy (Ping)

Norman Brenner ............... Beder

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

JERRY: ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost the Zest." ....rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

[Jerry's apartment]

(A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry doing work with headphones on.)

REPAIRMAN: .....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.

JERRY: Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him )

REPAIRMAN: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration

JERRY: Oh! well whatever you have to do.

REPAIRMAN: I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.

JERRY: (sarcastically) No you don't..

(George enters the apartment.)

GEORGE: Hey! what are listening to?

JERRY: My show from last night.

GEORGE: Oh! you taped it?

JERRY: Yeah , I was doing new material.

GEORGE: Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .

JERRY: Huh?

GEORGE: Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.

JERRY: The" coup dé-toe"

GEORGE: Yeah. Did you do it?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: Nothin'.....nothing at all.

GEORGE: Need to use the phone.

JERRY: Who you calling?

GEORGE: China.

JERRY: China really?

GEORGE: Yeah. I'll pay for it.

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair.

JERRY: Hair?

GEORGE: The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.

JERRY: Done what?

GEORGE: Discovered a cure for baldness.

REPAIRMAN: Did you see that last night?

GEORGE: It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness.

JERRY: (to Kramer) What's this?

KRAMER: Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist.

GEORGE: Is that the guy who likes fat women?

JERRY: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism.

KRAMER: (to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night.

GEORGE: I did, I'm trying to call China.

KRAMER: You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there

JERRY: Oh! my God!....

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.

GEORGE: (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god...

KRAMER: Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head)

GEORGE: Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?

JERRY: I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.

GEORGE: This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this?

KRAMER: All right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off)

GEORGE: WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder?

JERRY: It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it.

GEORGE: My god!!!

KRAMER: C'mon it's my turn.

GEORGE: All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?

JERRY: Good question.

KRAMER: Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!

[Cut to Monks]

GEORGE: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?

JERRY: If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen.

ELAINE: Hi boys.

BOTH: Hello...

ELAINE: What's happening?

JERRY: Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.

GEORGE: This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder......

JERRY: (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!

GEORGE: What??

JERRY: The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.

GEORGE: I thought you meant the..

JERRY: No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.

ELAINE: What did she say?

PETER: Seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)

JERRY: Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf. (leaves table)

ELAINE: So did you hear this message?

GEORGE: Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable

ELAINE: Really!

GEORGE: Yeah. I can't get over it.

ELAINE: Huh! Sexy?

GEORGE: This woman drove us out of our minds

ELAINE: Like ...humm...How did she sound?

GEORGE: She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper.

ELAINE: Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....

GEORGE: Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?....

ELAINE: Shhhhhh!!!

GEORGE: how did ya?...

ELAINE: I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?

GEORGE: Oh! no no nothing....

ELAINE: Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this.

GEORGE: I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..

ELAINE: Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing?

GEORGE: Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing

(Jerry comes back)

JERRY: Remember Peter?

GEORGE: Peter?

JERRY: You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.

ELAINE: So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder?

JERRY: Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?

ELAINE: I don't know.

JERRY: She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about.

ELAINE: Oh! really.

JERRY: Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business.

ELAINE: So what, Are you gonna ask her out.

JERRY: No I can't she didn't leave her name or number.

ELAINE: Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off.

GEORGE: Wh.. Where you going?

ELAINE: Home.

GEORGE: Why you going home for?

ELAINE: Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.

JERRY: Sure.

[Back to Jerry's]

GEORGE: Oh! my god. Oh! man...

JERRY: I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.

ELAINE: (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

GEORGE: (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?

JERRY: Why are you doing this?

GEORGE: Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.

JERRY: Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: You know what that makes you?...A baldist.

GEORGE: Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English?

ELAINE: ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.

KRAMER: Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly)

ELAINE: Aah! Okaaay.

KRAMER: Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West side"

ELAINE: ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?

KRAMER: I'm doin' fine.

GEORGE: Do you speak English?...English!!

KRAMER: Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?

JERRY: Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.

GEORGE: English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English.

KRAMER: So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine?

GEORGE: In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

(Door buzzer rings)

KRAMER: That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine?

GEORGE: (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.

KRAMER: So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated?

ELAINE: Oh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract.

GEORGE: All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English

KRAMER: (to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you?

PING: $15.90.

KRAMER: $15.90.?

GEORGE: Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese?

PING: Chinese....Yeah.

GEORGE: Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order.

PING: (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.(looks at George and laughs)

GEORGE: They got a billion people over there and he found a relative.

PING: Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream.

GEORGE: They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work?

PING: Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin

GEORGE: Ask' em Are there any side effects?

PING: Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....( makes a just kidding gesture)

GEORGE: Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.

PING: Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check.

(George leaves all excited.)

PING: (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher...

JERRY: (as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me (Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call.

[On a street at night in George's car]

ELAINE: Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this?

GEORGE: Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in?

ELAINE: Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something?

GEORGE: yeah....euh...I dunno What?

ELAINE: Pffft....there's really nothing to do.

GEORGE: ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah.....

ELAINE: Do you think of anything?..

GEORGE: No, no....(mumbles)

ELAINE: I am up for anything.

GEORGE: Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented.

ELAINE: I was just kiddin, around.......

GEORGE: I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny.

ELAINE: ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?.

GEORGE: So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.

ELAINE: Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.

(Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath.)

[Back to Jerry's.]

JERRY: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely...

KRAMER: What is that?

JERRY: That's my cockney accent.

KRAMER: Naw ,na , that's no good.

JERRY: Lets hear yours.

KRAMER: Not bloody likely..

JERRY: That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got.

GEORGE: Guess, what I got.

JERRY: Oh! Is that the bald stuff?

GEORGE: From China. All the way from China.

KRAMER: Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.

GEORGE: No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese.

JERRY: Yes I am skeptical.

GEORGE: Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people.

KRAMER: W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right.

JERRY: Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help....

GEORGE: All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)

KRAMER: He's a happy camper huh?

JERRY: Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough.

KRAMER: Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud

JERRY: No kidding?

KRAMER: He's in jail.

JERRY: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?

KRAMER: That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head)

JERRY: You can see it. You gonna walk around like that?

KRAMER: It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink.

JERRY: How long are you suppose to leave it on for?

GEORGE: All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up)

JERRY: Hello.

ELAINE: It's Elaine Marie Benes.

JERRY: Well Hello..

ELAINE: Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?

JERRY: Yes , I got her number.

GEORGE: Is that Elaine?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: HI ELAINE...

ELAINE: I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night?

JERRY: Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business

ELAINE: Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by?

GEORGE: Did she say Hello?

JERRY: What? I dunno.

GEORGE: I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?

JERRY: I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.

GEORGE: Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?

JERRY: She's coming up.

GEORGE: Elaine's coming up?

JERRY: Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom)

KRAMER: How often do you cut your toe nails?

JERRY: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.

KRAMER: 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.

JERRY: The big toe; The captain.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: The captain of the toes. (phone rings) Hello.

ELAINE: Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.

JERRY: Okay....too bad.

ELAINE: So humm....When you gonna call her?

JERRY: Soon as I get off the phone wih you.

ELAINE: Good luck.

JERRY: okay , bye (to George) What happened , did you take it off?

GEORGE: Yeah, that was enough.

JERRY: That's it, you gave up?

GEORGE: No No I'm working on a system...Who was that?

JERRY: That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over.

(As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom one more time.)

ALICIA: Hello.

JERRY: Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld.

ALICIA: Yeah.

JERRY: This is Jerry Seinfeld.

[Back to Jerry's after an implied date with Alicia]

JERRY: (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the Pull Back.

(Door buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah..

GEORGE: It's George.

JERRY: Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now?

KRAMER: So , you blew it?

JERRY: She must be psychotic or something.

KRAMER: Let me have her number.

JERRY: I'm not giving you her number.

KRAMER: I know how to handle these psychotics.

(George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.)

JERRY: Sheriff?........What's with the hat?

KRAMER: (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.

JERRY: What are doing here now?

GEORGE: I have to talk to you about something .

KRAMER: All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.

GEORGE: Aahh..No..No..

JERRY: What's up?

GEORGE: I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.

JERRY: So just start it.

GEORGE: I can't.

JERRY: Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about?

GEORGE: All right.........I've become attracted to Elaine..

Kramer burst in with is video setup.

KRAMER: All right....Sit down George.

GEORGE: Kramer, can we do this later..

KRAMER: No, I got the tape right here.

JERRY: Kramer, let's do this later.

KRAMER: (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think, that I see. a couple of buds right here.

GEORGE: Really? ..You think.

JERRY: Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.

KRAMER: 'bout what?

JERRY: It's kinda private.

KRAMER: Like the big toe captain..

GEORGE: So now you're doing my bits?

JERRY: I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!

KRAMER: Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves)

JERRY: Does she know?

GEORGE: NO!!

JERRY: How did it happen?

GEORGE: I can't say.

JERRY: Well, why can't you say it?

GEORGE: Because I promised her.

JERRY: I thought you just said she doesn't know??

GEORGE: She doesn't.

JERRY: So how can you promise her?

GEORGE: Because she asked me to.

JERRY: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

GEORGE: All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder.

JERRY: What, Elaine?

GEORGE: Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.

JERRY: (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...

GEORGE: Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones)

JERRY: Wait a second. .Just give me a second

GEORGE: You heard it fifty times already.

JERRY: She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence

(Door Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeaaaah!!!

ELAINE: Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?

(George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again.)

GEORGE: (Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!!

JERRY: Okay, Okay, I promise. (puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa (Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly)

ELAINE: (Concerned) What's the matter?

JERRY: Oooh! I got a pain in my side.

ELAINE: (to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods)

JERRY: What are you doing here?

ELAINE: I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.

JERRY: I know, George told me.

ELAINE: You told him!!!!

GEORGE: He..He threatened me.

JERRY: Where did you come up with all that stuff?

ELAINE: That was nothing.

GEORGE: Elaine.. I have to tell you something...

JERRY: George NO!!

GEORGE: No no no no no no no..

JERRY: George I'm telling ya..

ELAINE: What is it?

GEORGE: I'm very attracted to you..

JERRY: Aye......

(Kramer comes in and yells)

KRAMER: I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.

GEORGE: Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I...

KRAMER: Whoa!!!....That was you?

ELAINE: It was a joke...

KRAMER: Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is you.

ELAINE: Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons, all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going...

GEORGE: Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.

JERRY: It's early.

KRAMER: We'll order Chinese.

(She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.)

The End

S3E9 - The Nose Job

Broadcast date: November 20, 1991

Written By Peter Mehlman

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Susan Diol ............................ Audrey

Roy Brocksmith .................. Landlord

Tawny Kitaen ...................... Isabel

Joseph V. Perry ................... Newsstand Owner

David Blackwood ............... Interviewer

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here."

[Jerry and George are at a newsstand]

GEORGE: Where'd you meet her?

JERRY: I met her on an elevator.

GEORGE: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?

JERRY: Impossible, right?

GEORGE: You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?

JERRY: I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.

GEORGE: Wow. What'd you say?

(flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)

JERRY: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.

(end of flashback)

GEORGE: Wow.

JERRY: Can you believe I did that?

GEORGE: What did she say?

(another flashback)

ISABEL: What crop circles?

(end of flashback)

JERRY: Not a good sign.

GEORGE: Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?

NEWSSTAND OWNER: Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?

JERRY: You got something in your teeth there.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: It's green.

GEORGE: Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.

JERRY: Did you bump into anybody you knew?

GEORGE: I had a job interview.

JERRY: How'd it go?

GEORGE: Take a guess.

(flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached teeth.)

INTERVIEWER: Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.

GEORGE: Ok, thanks.

(end of flashback)

JERRY: What do you need a job, you got Audrey.

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: What's the matter?

GEORGE: Oh, nothing.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: You won't think I'm a bad person?

JERRY: Too late for that.

GEORGE: 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.

JERRY: Yeah, she's got a big nose.

GEORGE: I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.

(momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)

JERRY: It's a schnoz.

GEORGE: Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.

JERRY: A little.

GEORGE: So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.

JERRY: Stop being so concerned with looks.

(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)

JERRY: Have you said anything to her about it?

GEORGE: I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.

JERRY: Alright, shut up, here they come.

GEORGE: (waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

[Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.

ELAINE: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?

KRAMER: No no, he's never met her. She's in California.

ELAINE: Are you coming with me?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé, Peter Von Nostrand.

GEORGE: Why don't you just commit yourself already?

AUDREY: What is so special about this jacket?

ELAINE: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.

AUDREY: What's the smudge on your hand?

KRAMER: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.

GEORGE: What, you didn't wash all day?

KRAMER: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.

AUDREY: It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

KRAMER: Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.

ELAINE: Kramer!

KRAMER: What? What?

ELAINE: How could you say something like that?!

KRAMER: What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.

ELAINE: No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.

AUDREY: No, it's ok.

ELAINE: What did you have to say that for?

KRAMER: Well, I was just trying to help out.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.

KRAMER: You see what happens when you try to be nice?

[Middle Monologue]

But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you very much."

[George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment]

AUDREY: Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about?

GEORGE: Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?

AUDREY: You look like you've got something on your mind.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?

AUDREY: How about him?

GEORGE: They way he just says stuff.

AUDREY: He sure does.

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.

AUDREY: So, what did you think?

GEORGE: About the pizza?

AUDREY: No, about the nose job.

GEORGE: Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?

AUDREY: Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.

GEORGE: Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

AUDREY: I know, they're good.

GEORGE: Peter Jennings had one.

AUDREY: Really?

GEORGE: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

AUDREY: Uh huh.

GEORGE: It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.

AUDREY: I hate the dentist.

GEORGE: It's a cleaning.

AUDREY: So you really think I should do this?

GEORGE: If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.

AUDREY: Well, maybe I should.

GEORGE: What the hell.

ELAINE: (barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?

GEORGE: Me? I didn't say anything.

ELAINE: You encouraged her to get one.

GEORGE: I didn't encourage. No encourage.

ELAINE: Peter Jennings had one?

GEORGE: It's possible.

ELAINE: Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.

AUDREY: No, George is right. I want to get one.

ELAINE: I think it's a mistake.

GEORGE: Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop]

GEORGE: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.

JERRY: Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.

GEORGE: (checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.

JERRY: We have time.

GEORGE: It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.

JERRY: It is exciting.

GEORGE: Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...

JERRY: Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

GEORGE: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.

JERRY: Then what?

GEORGE: He still wins but it's not a blowout.

JERRY: She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.

(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: (holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.

KRAMER: (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.

(end of flashback)

JERRY: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.

GEORGE: Good for you.

JERRY: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.

GEORGE: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.

JERRY: It's not like that at all.

[Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment]

ELAINE: How do you even know the jacket is there?

KRAMER: Well I don't, I'm guessing.

GEORGE: Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,

AUDREY: George?

GEORGE: Yeah?

AUDREY: Enough.

JERRY: Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.

ELAINE: Are you sure you want us here for this?

AUDREY: Yes.

JERRY: Shouldn't a doctor do it?

AUDREY: No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.

GEORGE: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.

(Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror.)

ELAINE: It looks good.

JERRY: Great job.

KRAMER: You got butchered.

(George faints)

(An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his feet.)

JERRY: Let's put him over here.

KRAMER: (to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going?

AUDREY: (with hand covering nose) To the doctor!

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.

(Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.)

ELAINE: How ya feeling?

GEORGE: Too much salt in my diet.

ELAINE: Can I get you anything?

GEORGE: Nah, I'm good.

ELAINE: You sure? Anything?

GEORGE: Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?

ELAINE: No, it didn't. No, it didn't.

GEORGE: It's like, all dented.

ELAINE: Seems to be.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--

ELAINE: Shut up, George.

GEORGE: Shut up?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Interesting.

[Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of cereal, Jerry has cracked.]

JERRY: Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!

KRAMER: I don't have it, I threw it out.

JERRY: You're lying! You got it, I want that number!

KRAMER: I told you, I threw it out.

JERRY: Give it to me!

KRAMER: You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.

JERRY: Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.

KRAMER: You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.

JERRY: I was lying, give it to me!

KRAMER: No, you told me not to!

JERRY: I want that number!

KRAMER: Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!

(Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and the bowl, then storms out again.)

[George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her nose, George is trying not to look at it.]

AUDREY: The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here...

GEORGE: Yeah.

AUDREY: You see this perinasal sinus cavity?

GEORGE: Oh, I got it.

AUDREY: You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.

GEORGE: Yeah, phew.

AUDREY: So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?

GEORGE: What?

AUDREY: Remember we talked about taking a trip together?

GEORGE: We did?

AUDREY: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?

GEORGE: Hawaii?

AUDREY: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.

GEORGE: (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.

AUDREY: I never heard that.

GEORGE: Oh yeah. My friend lived there.

AUDREY: We could go to the Caribbean.

GEORGE: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.

AUDREY: George, I don't think this is working.

[Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel.]

ISABEL: Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.

JERRY: I'm Nelson!

ISABEL: That's not the line, Jerry.

JERRY: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time.

ISABEL: I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.

JERRY: Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.

ISABEL: Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.

JERRY: (to himself: Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.

(Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is playing chess with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.)

JERRY'S BRAIN: Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?

JERRY'S PENIS: Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!

JERRY'S BRAIN: I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes.

JERRY'S PENIS: Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.

JERRY'S BRAIN: What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me.

JERRY'S PENIS: Oh, go read a book.

JERRY'S BRAIN: Enough chatting, let's play.

[Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.]

ELAINE: You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital.

KRAMER: (filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?

ELAINE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.

ELAINE: What do I need this for?

KRAMER: Because we're engaged.

ELAINE: We're engaged?

KRAMER: Um hm.

ELAINE: Kramer, this is too big.

KRAMER: (lighting his pipe) It's my mom's.

(A stout man walks around the corner.)

LANDLORD: Hello?

ELAINE: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.

LANDLORD: Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?

KRAMER: Yes, yes I am.

LANDLORD: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.

KRAMER: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.

LANDLORD: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?

KRAMER: My contention?

LANDLORD: Yes, your contention.

KRAMER: Yes, that's my contention.

ELAINE: I heard him contend that.

LANDLORD: It's too bad about your father.

ELAINE: Oh, it was a frame-up.

LANDLORD: A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing.

ELAINE: Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.

KRAMER: She does fine work.

LANDLORD: Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way.

ELAINE: How kind of you.

LANDLORD: You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.

(Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.)

(Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears to have the upper hand.)

JERRY'S BRAIN: What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha!

ISABEL: Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you.

JERRY'S PENIS: It's killing me. (Makes a move)

JERRY'S BRAIN: That's your move?

JERRY'S PENIS: Yeah.

JERRY'S BRAIN: Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!

JERRY'S PENIS: (beginning to cough and struggle) Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing!

(Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop)

JERRY'S BRAIN: (before disappearing himself) Punk.

JERRY: Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.

(Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face)

[Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment]

ELAINE: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.

LANDLORD: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.

ELAINE: My father, really? I had no idea.

LANDLORD: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs

Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum.

KRAMER: You don't say?

ELAINE: I found it!

LANDLORD: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"

(Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated. Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.)

[The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.]

KRAMER: So I grabbed the guy by the collar.

ELAINE: Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"

JERRY: So I assume the jig was up.

ELAINE: Yeah, pretty much.

(Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket. Audrey walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful)

AUDREY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi!

JERRY: Hey.

AUDREY: (to George) Hello.

GEORGE: (smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!

AUDREY: (motioning to Kramer) Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.

ELAINE: So, will I see you later tonight?

AUDREY: Not sure.

KRAMER: (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?

AUDREY: (holding up her hand to show the stamp) I didn't wash.

KRAMER: Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.

ELAINE: (after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like--

GEORGE: (interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.

[Closing Monologue]

The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."

The End

S3E10 - The Stranded

Broadcast date: November 27, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld and Matt Goldman

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michael Chiklis ..................... Steve

Teri Austin ............................ Ava

Bobbi Jo Lathan ................... Patti

Gwen Shepherd ................... Cashier

Dwayne Kennedy ............... Frank

Marcia Firesten  ................... Jenny

Michael Milhoan .................. Security Guard

John Putch ............................ Roy

Melissa Weil ......................... Gwen

Ellen Ratner ......................... Ellen

Frank Piazza ........................ Cop

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication.  You ever try and pick one of these out?  It's not easy.  It's a wall.  It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell--  This is quick acting, but this is long lasting.  When do I need to feel good, now or later?"  It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know?  They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having.  First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy.  No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public.  And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?"  "Yes I am."  "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

[Jerry and George are in a drug store.]

JERRY:  How did you get fleas?

GEORGE:  Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.

JERRY:  Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.

GEORGE:  That's not funny.  So, are you coming to the party?

JERRY:  I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation.  The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"

GEORGE:  You know Ava's gonna be there.

JERRY:  Who?

GEORGE:  The nice one that works in my office.

JERRY:  Nah.

GEORGE:  I'll drive.

JERRY:  Oh, well, now you're talking.

GEORGE:  It's supposed to be a good party.

JERRY:  What does that mean, good dip?

GEORGE:  No, there'll be girls there.

JERRY:  There's girls everywhere.  I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator.  They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?

GEORGE:  There's a hundred different things here.  What's the difference between these two?  (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)  You got propylparabin?

JERRY:  Got it.

GEORGE:  You got isobutane-30?

JERRY:  I got isobutane-20.

GEORGE:  A-ha.

JERRY:  You got  sorbitant sesquioliate?

GEORGE:  Got it.

JERRY:  I have aloe!

GEORGE:  You got aloe?  I love aloe.

JERRY:  Where do they make yours?

GEORGE:  Jersey.

JERRY:  White Plains.

(George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry and they go to the check out counter.  Two women are standing at the magazine rack in the background.)

JERRY:  Girls.  There's girls right here in the store.  Look, look, there's one over there.  Look, there's another one.  Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there.  What's the matter?

GEORGE:  I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.

JERRY:  Are you sure?  Oh boy, here we go.

GEORGE: (to the cashier)  Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.

CASHIER:  You gave me a ten.

GEORGE:  I'm positive I gave you a twenty.

CASHIER:  I know what you gave me.

GEORGE:  You owe me ten dollars.

CASHIER:  Will you please step aside?  Next?

GEORGE:  Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second.  Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake?  Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there?  Or you--

CASHIER:  You.

GEORGE:  No, no, no, see you're not really listening.

SECURITY GUARD:  What's the problem here?

GEORGE:  No problem.  There's no problem.  She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.

CASHIER:  He's claiming short.

SECURITY GUARD:  Alright, let's just take it outside.

GEORGE:  Oh, so you don't believe me either?

SECURITY GUARD:  Come on, let's go.

GEORGE:  You haven't won.  You may think you've won, but you haven't won.  Do you know why?  It's not over.  This is not over.  I'm not forgetting what's happening here.  You have my ten dollars.  I will get it back.  Alright, don't worry.  It's not over.  I'm going now.  Good bye.  I will be back.

[George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door]

ELAINE:  Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.

JERRY:  No, let's survey first.  Camp here.

GEORGE: (waving:  Eva.

(A beautiful woman starts walking over.)

JERRY:  What could possess anyone to throw a party?  I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

AVA:  So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.

GEORGE:  Oh no you didn't.  Get out, when?

AVA:  Yesterday

GEORGE:  I don't believe it.

AVA:  Ask Mark.

GEORGE:  Mark, is this true?

(A man across the room nods.  George and Ava walk towards him.)

JERRY:  Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.

ELAINE:  How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.

JERRY:  Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.  In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.

ELAINE:  How old are you?

JERRY:  Thirty-six.  What's the signal?  Howbout this?  Chicken wing?  No, no, no, I got a better one.  Head patting.

ELAINE:  Whatever you want.

(Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.)

GUY:  You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?

JERRY:  Yeah, yeah I did.

GUY:  So what do you do?

JERRY: (Patting his head:  I'm a comedian.

GUY:  Are you?  Lemme ask you something.  Where do you get your material?

JERRY: (still Patting)  I hear a voice.

GUY:  What kind of voice?

JERRY:  A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.

GUY:  How come you keep tapping your head.

JERRY:  It's a nervous tic.  I'm on L-Dopa.

(Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting her head.)

GUY:  On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver.  The man devoted his whole life to the peanut.  Imagine having so much passion for something.

(Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.)

GUY:  Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.

(Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'.  She's still tapping madly.)

GUY:  I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.

ELAINE:  Yeah, me too.

GUY:  Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.

(Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.)

GEORGE:  How's it going?

JERRY:  Great, how about you?

GEORGE:  I can't believe what's happening here.  She hasn't taken her hands off me all night.  She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.

JERRY:  How do you account for this?

GEORGE:  I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.

JERRY:  Well, she obviously liked you all along.

GEORGE:  No, I would have picked up on it.  I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know.  With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them.  If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him."

JERRY:  Anyway, I'm ready to go.

GEORGE:  Now?

JERRY:  If not now, when?

GEORGE:  Gimme a half-hour.

JERRY:  Okay, half-hour.

(Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'.  By now, she's weary from tapping.)

GUY:  Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...

JERRY: (interrupting)  Can I talk to you for a second?

ELAINE:  Oh, excuse me.  (gets up to talk with Jerry)  What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless.  People think I'm a mental patient.

JERRY:  Hey, I was dying over there.

ELAINE:  This guy's going off on the peanut.  Now pay attention.

(Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.)

ELLEN:  Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club.  You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?

JERRY:  Right.

ELLEN:  Yeah, I remember you.

(Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman.)

WOMAN:  I wonder what happened to my fiancé.  I know he's here somewhere. Ellen?  Have you seen my fiancé?

ELLEN:  He's upstairs.

WOMAN:  Are you going upstairs?  Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him.  I havelost my fiancé, the poor baby.

ELAINE:  Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

WOMAN:  What?

ELAINE:  The dingo ate your baby!

(Cut to George and Jerry.)

JERRY:  You ready?

GEORGE:  Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.

JERRY:  I do favors.

GEORGE:  I think something's happening here.

JERRY:  What?

GEORGE:  I think she wants me to take her home.

JERRY:  Wow.

GEORGE:  What should I do?

JERRY:  Go!  What could you do?

GEORGE:  What about you and Elaine?

JERRY:  We'll get a ride.

GEORGE:  Are you sure?

JERRY:  We'll be fine, what did she say?

GEORGE:  She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.

JERRY:  What?  She said that?

GEORGE:  Yeah.

JERRY:  Get out of here.

GEORGE:  I swear.

JERRY:  What did you say?

GEORGE:  I, I, I can't.

JERRY:  What did you say?

GEORGE:  Please, it's--

JERRY:  What?

GEORGE:  I... I... I long for you.

JERRY:  I long for you?

GEORGE:  I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.

JERRY:  It's okay, that's not bad.

GEORGE:  I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

JERRY:  Really?

GEORGE:  That's a lot of pressure.  Make love to me.  What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

JERRY:  Oh, come on.

GEORGE:  I can't perform under pressure.  That's why I never play anything for money, I choke.  I could choke tonight.  And she works in my office, can you imagine?  She goes around telling everyone what happened?  Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

JERRY:  George, you're thinking too much.

GEORGE:  I know, I know, I can't stop it!

(Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.)

ELAINE:  Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.

JERRY: (walking up)  Pendant?  Those bastards.

ELAINE:  Excuse me.

JERRY:  Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office

ELAINE:  Really?  Huh.  What a world.  So we can go now?

JERRY:  Uh, no, he's taking the car.

ELAINE:  Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?

JERRY:  I don't know.

ELAINE:  You don't know?

JERRY:  Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.

ELAINE:  Oh great, oh, this is great.  How could you let him take the car?

JERRY:  There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.

[Middle monologue]

All plans between men are tentative.  If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life.  This is the male code.  And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad.  They hold that countdown.  He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?"

[Still at the Party]

ELAINE: (noticing Ava in a fur)  Oh look at that.  Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?

JERRY:  Yeah, yeah, alright.

ELAINE:  I can't believe she's walking around in that.

JERRY:  Just don't make a scene.

ELAINE:  Hey, is that real fur?

JERRY:  Oh boy.

AVA:  It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.

GEORGE:  Yeah, good night.

ELAINE:  You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?

GEORGE:  Could we talk about this some other time?

AVA:  Are you a vegetarian?

JERRY:  Here we go.

ELAINE:  Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.

AVA:  So you're a hypocrite.

GEORGE:  Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.  Anyway-

AVA:  Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.

ELAINE:  Fish don't feel any pain.

AVA:  How do you know?  Do you communicate with fish?

ELAINE:  Well, they're not kept in little cages.

AVA:  Ever seen a goldfish?

GEORGE:  Goldfish.

ELAINE:  Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish.  They're not unhappy.

AVA:  Oh yeah, right.  Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life.  (To George)  Let's go.

ELAINE:  Oh yeah, that's right.  Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!

GEORGE:  That's why we're here in America.

JERRY:  You're beautiful.

ELAINE:  Call Kramer.

JERRY:  Alright. (Approaches host)  Excuse me, this is your party, right?

STEVE:  No, I just live here.

JERRY:  Can I use your phone?

STEVE:  What's in it for me?

JERRY:  A bigger bill?

STEVE:  He he, go for it.

(Jerry picks up the phone and dials.)

JERRY:  Krame?  Sein.  What are you doing?  Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island.  What are your thoughts about taking a ride?  You sure?  Okay, but don't leave me hanging here.  Okay, great.  Let me give you directions.

(Cut to several hours later.  The party has ended.  The hosts, Steve and Jenny, are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.)

ELAINE:  You sure you don't need any help?

JENNY:  No, not really.

JERRY:  I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

JENNY: (To Steve)  I want them out of here.

ELAINE:  Call him again.

JERRY:  I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this.

JENNY: (To Steve)  It's two o'clock in the morning.

JERRY: (noticing a coffee table book)  Oh, you got the Civil War book.  I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.

ELAINE:  Six hundred and twenty million people died.

JERRY:  Thousand.

ELAINE:  Thousand.  Six hundred and twenty thousand.  The horror, the horror. (To Jerry)  The wife keeps giving us dirty looks.  Are you sure you gave him the right directions?

JERRY:  Yes.  (To Jenny)  You're sure there's nothing we can do?

JENNY:  No!  (To Steve)  I am not going to bed with them in our house, this is ridiculous.

JERRY:  You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here.  Mike Wichter.  He sold plastic straws.  You know the ones?  You could bend them.

ELAINE:  Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason.

JENNY:  You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.

JERRY:  Oh, he's coming.

JENNY:  Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule.

(Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.)

JERRY:  That's him.

JENNY:  I'm going to bed!

ELAINE:  Thanks a lot.

JERRY:  Thanks, great party.

(As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers.)

KRAMER:  Hey, how ya doing?

STEVE:  Ah, look who's here.

KRAMER:  I'm sorry.

JERRY:  Hey, it's okay.

KRAMER:  I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window.

ELAINE:  Then how did you find the place?

KRAMER:  Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive.  Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it.  8173.

JERRY:  Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one.

STEVE:  No problem.

JERRY:  And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever.

STEVE:  Hey, I might take you up on that.

JERRY: (writing)  Here's my address and number.  And really, thanks again.

KRAMER: (to Elaine)  You better zip up.  I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.

ELAINE:  But it's cold out.

KRAMER:  Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.

[Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.]

JERRY:  George, I've been sick all week.  Elaine was too.  Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes.  Do the math.  Yeah, maybe I will get out.  Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first.  Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something.  Yeah, Selwyn's.  Okay bye.

(Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door.)

JERRY:  Who is it?

VOICE:  Mr. Pocatello.

JERRY:  Who?

VOICE:  You mean you don't recognize my voice?

(Jerry opens the door.  Steve steps in.)

STEVE:  Jerry, baby!

JERRY:  Do I know you?

STEVE:  Boy this comedy's really frying your brain.

JERRY:  I'm sorry, uh-

STEVE:  See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.

JERRY:  Oh, okay.

STEVE:  You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.

JERRY:  You certainly are.  What's going on?

STEVE:  I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break.  I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business.

JERRY:  Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend.

STEVE:  Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.

JERRY:  No, really, I just got off the phone with him.

STEVE:  I understand.

JERRY:  Look, you can hang out here if you want.

STEVE:  Don't be so enthusiastic.

JERRY:  No, it's-

STEVE:  I'm not gonna steal anything.

JERRY:  No, of course not, just close the door when you leave.

STEVE:  I think I can do that.

JERRY:  Really, I'm sorry.  Maybe another time.

STEVE:  Yeah.  Let's have lunch.

[Jerry and George are at the drug store.]

JERRY:  They guy's in my house right now.  What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone.

GEORGE:  Yeah, me either.

JERRY:  Oh, come on.

GEORGE:  What come on?  Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?

JERRY:  I've never had a job.

GEORGE:  You know the anxiety you feel on a date?  That's what I have every day now.  My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.

JERRY:  That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?

GEORGE:  Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend.  Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk.  I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing.  Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went.  If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day.  I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me.  I want to go back there again.'

JERRY:  What are you gonna do?

GEORGE:  I have no choice, I'm quitting.

[Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV.  Kramer walks in and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.]

KRAMER:  The party, Long Island?

STEVE:  Kramer, right?

KRAMER:  Hey, what are you doing here?

STEVE:  I'm waiting for my ride.

KRAMER:  Where's Jerry?

STEVE:  He split.  Let me ask you something.  Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question?

KRAMER:  Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything.  (Sensing Steve's disappointment)  Well, but I might have something.

[Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore.  Jerry is selecting medication.]

JERRY:  Alright, I'm gonna get this.  This looks good.

GEORGE:  How much is that?

JERRY:  Nine sixty.

GEORGE:  Nine sixty?  Give it to me.

JERRY:  Why?

GEORGE:  Don't worry, I got it.

JERRY:  What do you mean, you got it?

GEORGE:  I got it.

(George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket)

JERRY:  Since when are you treating me to medicine?  What are you doing?  You're stealing this, aren't you?

GEORGE:  I'm not stealing it.  They owe me ten dollars.  They stole from me.

JERRY:  You're a lunatic.

GEORGE:  I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.

JERRY:  What do you say to a person like you?

GEORGE:  Just walk.

JERRY:  Oh.

(A security guard approaches George.)

SECURITY GUARD:  Scuse me.  What do you got there?

GEORGE:  What?

SECURITY GUARD:  What do you got in your shirt?

GEORGE:  Oh, I was gonna pay for this.

SECURITY GUARD: (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter) Come with me.

GEORGE: (nervous)  Where are you taking me?  I was gonna pay for it.

CASHIER: um-hmm.

SECURITY GUARD:  You don't think I remember you?

GEORGE: (more nervous)  What are you talking about?

SECURITY GUARD:  I know who you are, I was watching you.

GEORGE: (panicky)  What are you gonna do?  Are you gonna call the police?

(The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.)

JERRY:  Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?

[Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked.  Kramer is in the middle of a story.]

KRAMER:  So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown!  Well I followed the instructions!

(They both erupt in raucous laughter.)

STEVE: (hysterical)  Ah, they turned brown!!  Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?

KRAMER:  Not really.

STEVE:  Maybe we should call one of those escort services.  I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station.

KRAMER: (handing Steve the phone)  555-LOVE.

STEVE:  Hey, you want in on this?

KRAMER:  No, I got a girl in the next building

[Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he hears a woman's voice from inside.]

VOICE:  Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it.  Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do.

STEVE: (drunk and slurring)  Oh Jerry!  Jerry!  Look who's here, it's Jerry

JERRY:  What the hell?

STEVE:  Jerry, this is Patti.

JERRY:  Nice to meet you.

PATTI:  It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.

JERRY:  What the hell is going on here?

STEVE:  I don't know, but I gotta do this more often.  (The buzzer goes off) Ooh, there's my ride, finally.

PATTI:  I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.

STEVE:  See ya, Jerr.  And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow.

JERRY:  Oh, Kramer huh?

STEVE:  Yeah, he's a hoot.  Oh, goodbye, my dear.  (trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away)  Ouch.  (To Jerry)  Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party.

(Steve walks out, leaving the front door open.)

PATTI:  I ain't leaving.

JERRY:  Patti?

PATTI:  You got anything to drink?

JERRY:  Alright, how much does he owe you?

PATTI:  Fifty dollars.

JERRY: (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly)  Fifty dollars.

(In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.)

COP:  This your apartment?

JERRY:  Yeah, but--

COP:  You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.

JERRY:  Wait a second, I--

(Elaine walks in.)

ELAINE:  I brought you chicken soup.  (To Patti)  Is that real fur?

JERRY & COP:  Oh boy.

[Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating pizza.]

GEORGE:  You had Sgt. Chadway?  Me too.

JERRY:  He was a nice guy.

GEORGE:  Oh, great guy.

JERRY:  Was there a red-headed guy there?

GEORGE:  The one with the long sideburns?

JERRY:  Yeah.

GEORGE:  Where does he come off?

JERRY:  Yeah, I know.  There's no call for that kind of attitude.

GEORGE:  One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.

JERRY:  Oh, we all hated him.

[Closing monologue]

There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor.  You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to 'do me a favor.'  Small favor, small pause.  Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil?  No pause at all.  Big favors are, 'Could you do me a favor...' (huge pause, followed by closing credits.)

THE END

S3E11 - The Alternate Side

Broadcast date: December 4, 1991

Written By Larry David and Bill Masters

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jay Brooks ........................... Sid

Janet Zarish ......................... Rental Car Agent

Edward Penn ...................... Owen March

Jeff Barton ........................... Paramedic

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.

[Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front.

GEORGE: Was the alarm on?

JERRY: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son.

GEORGE: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?

JERRY: They cross the wires or something.

GEORGE: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: They stole my car.

KRAMER: Who did?

JERRY: They did.

KRAMER: Was it more than just one?

JERRY: What should I do, should I call the police?

KRAMER: What are they gonna do?

JERRY: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.

GEORGE: Maybe you should call your car phone.

JERRY: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.

JERRY: Are you serious?

GEORGE: Yeah, go ahead, call.

JERRY: I don't even know if I remember the number.

(Jerry dials.)

JERRY: What do I say if he picks up?

CAR THIEF: Hello?

JERRY: Hello? Is this 555-8383?

CAR THIEF: I have no idea.

JERRY: Can I ask you a question?

CAR THIEF: Sure.

JERRY: Did you steal my car?

CAR THIEF: Yes I did.

JERRY: You did?!

CAR THIEF: I did.

JERRY: That's my car!

CAR THIEF: I didn't know it was yours.

JERRY: What are you gonna do with it?

CAR THIEF: I dunno, drive around.

JERRY: Then can I have it back?

CAR THIEF: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

(Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.)

KRAMER: Hello?

CAR THIEF: Yeah, who's this?

KRAMER: Kramer.

CAR THIEF: Hello, Kramer.

KRAMER: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.

CAR THIEF: Wait, hold on... Brown ones?

KRAMER: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St.

CAR THIEF: One-two-nine, okay.

KRAMER: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.

JERRY: (derisively at Kramer) Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?

CAR THIEF: Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?

CAR THIEF: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.

JERRY: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully.

CAR THIEF: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the--

(Jerry hangs up.)

JERRY: Sid left the keys in the car.

GEORGE: Who's Sid?

JERRY: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.

GEORGE: What do you mean?

JERRY: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.

GEORGE: What, do you pay him for that?

JERRY: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.

GEORGE: How many people does he do that for?

JERRY: The whole block, forty, fifty cars.

KRAMER: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry?

GEORGE: Could anybody do that?

(Sid enters.)

JERRY: Hey Sid, what happened?

SID: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.

JERRY: You left the keys in the car?

SID: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted.

KRAMER: You know I'm in that movie?

GEORGE: You are?

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm an extra.

GEORGE: How'd you get that?

KRAMER: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.

GEORGE: Right out of the clear blue sky?

KRAMER: Clear blue sky!

GEORGE: Well, why didn't they ask me?

KRAMER: I got a quality.

SID: Jerry, you got insurance, right?

JERRY: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.

SID: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.

JERRY: This Wednesday?

SID: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.

JERRY: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

SID: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

GEORGE: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?

SID: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.

GEORGE: Maybe I could move them until you get back.

SID: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work?

GEORGE: I'm in a transition phase right now.

SID: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all.

(Phone rings.)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.

[Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.]

ELAINE: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels.

JERRY: Owen March, I never heard of him.

ELAINE: Well, he's not a baseball player.

JERRY: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.

ELAINE: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

JERRY: What's that?

ELAINE: He's sixty-six years old.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Next please.

ELAINE: Well, go, go.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Can I help you? Name please?

JERRY: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Okay, let's see here.

JERRY: Sixty-six years old?

ELAINE: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.

JERRY: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?

ELAINE: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?

JERRY: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.

JERRY: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

JERRY: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: I know why we have reservations.

JERRY: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.

(The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen speaking with someone.)

JERRY: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.

ELAINE: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?

JERRY: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.

ELAINE: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.

(The agent returns.)

RENTAL CAR AGENT: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.

JERRY: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: But we do have a compact if you would like that.

JERRY: Fine.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?

JERRY: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Please fill this out.

ELAINE: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?

JERRY: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.

ELAINE: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him.

[Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: I just don't enjoy being with him.

JERRY: Well that's what's important.

ELAINE: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?

JERRY: How many times you been out with him?

ELAINE: Seven?

JERRY: Face to face.

ELAINE: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?

JERRY: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.

ELAINE: Hmm... How's the pasta over there?

Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him out of the way and heads for the kitchen sink.

KRAMER: Whoa, whoa!!

JERRY: What is going on out there?

GEORGE: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me!

(George runs off into the bathroom.)

KRAMER: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?

ELAINE: Today?!

KRAMER: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.

ELAINE: Yeah.

KRAMER: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing.

ELAINE: He was laughing?!

KRAMER: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.

JERRY: So then what?

KRAMER: I got a line in the movie!

ELAINE: Get out!

JERRY: That's great!

GEORGE: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?

KRAMER: Pretty good, huh?

GEORGE: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?

JERRY: You mean a career.

ELAINE: So was Mia Farrow there?

KRAMER: Uh, I didn't see him.

ELAINE: What's your line?

KRAMER: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?

(The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.)

KRAMER: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

GEORGE: Is that how you're gonna say it?

KRAMER: No, no, I'm working on it.

ELAINE: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

JERRY: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

KRAMER: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act.

GEORGE: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"

(Jerry pinches his nose.)

GEORGE: That was no good?

KRAMER: I didn't say anything.

ELAINE: I'm gonna go break up with Owen.

GEORGE: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!

(George storms out.)

[Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on the door, Jerry opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.]

JERRY: Oh my god.

ELAINE: Call an ambulance.

JERRY: Boy, he took it hard.

[Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what happened.]

ELAINE: We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.

JERRY: (on the phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.

ELAINE: Tell then to hurry! Hurry!

JERRY: (To Elaine) It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

JERRY: Kramer.

KRAMER: What happened here?

ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid?

JERRY: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?

ELAINE: What extremities?

KRAMER: What's an extremity?

JERRY: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.

KRAMER: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.

ELAINE: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.

JERRY: I don't have a washcloth.

ELAINE: Well use a paper towel.

JERRY: You can't put a paper towel on his head.

KRAMER: What about a big sponge?

JERRY: How you gonna hold it on there?

KRAMER: Use a belt.

ELAINE: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.

JERRY: Should we walk him around?

ELAINE and KRAMER: (at the same time) Yes, yes.

KRAMER: Yeah, I've seen them do that.

JERRY: No, no that's for a drug overdose.

KRAMER: Maybe that's what he's got.

ELAINE: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.

KRAMER: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.

ELAINE: He is not a drug addict!

JERRY: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something.

ELAINE: A cookie!

KRAMER: Can you give him a cookie?

ELAINE: How's he gonna chew it?

JERRY: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him.

(Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw up and down.)

ELAINE: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.

KRAMER: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.

ELAINE: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.

JERRY: Cookies don't liquefy.

ELAINE: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.

KRAMER: Alright I'll get a blender.

JERRY: What blender? I don't have a blender.

KRAMER: You got a blender.

JERRY: I would know if I had a blender.

ELAINE: Where is the ambulance?!

(Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed by a crashing sound.)

(The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.)

JERRY: (on phone) Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago.

ELAINE: I can't believe what's going on out here.

JERRY: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?

VOICE: Paramedics.

JERRY: Come on up. Okay, they're here.

ELAINE: He seems to be breathing.

JERRY: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?

ELAINE: Almost.

JERRY: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.

ELAINE: It's not an easy thing to bring up.

JERRY: Yeah, that's true.

ELAINE: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.

JERRY: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.

ELAINE: He does, how'd you know that?

JERRY: I could tell.

(Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.)

ELAINE: What happened, what took you so long?!

PARAMEDIC: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.

JERRY: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!

(George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.)

GEORGE: Oh man.

JERRY: What happened to the car?

GEORGE: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he?

ELAINE: This guy I'm seeing.

GEORGE: What happened?

JERRY: We don't know!

PARAMEDIC: Who put cookies in his mouth?

JERRY and ELAINE: Cookies?

PARAMEDIC: You're not supposed to do that.

JERRY: So how'd you hit the car?

GEORGE: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.

JERRY: It's not even my car, it's a rental.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.

GEORGE: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?

KRAMER: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?'

GEORGE: Should I apologize to Woody?

KRAMER: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out.

[Middle Monologue]

What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, no we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody.'

[Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.]

SID: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

GEORGE: Well I know how to drive.

SID: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

JERRY: Can I get anybody anything?

SID: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?

GEORGE: I put my pants on, Sid.

SID: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.

GEORGE: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

SID: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars.

GEORGE: Maybe I could call my father.

(Kramer enters holding a newspaper.)

KRAMER: Hey, you seen the paper yet?

JERRY: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.

KRAMER: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.

JERRY: (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.

KRAMER: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.

JERRY: (continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

SID: Oh lord.

JERRY: (finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over.

[Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating a bag of pretzels.]

ELAINE: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'

JERRY: Can he communicate?

ELAINE: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him.

JERRY: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed.

ELAINE: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.

JERRY: What community? There's a community?

ELAINE: Of course there's a community.

JERRY: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.

JERRY: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.

JERRY: That is right, somebody else was driving.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.

JERRY: Uh huh, what's that?

RENTAL CAR AGENT: You're not covered for other drivers.

JERRY: Other drivers?

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Um hm.

JERRY: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Not that particular one.

JERRY: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--

JERRY: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?

RENTAL CAR AGENT: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.

JERRY: These pretzels are making me thirsty.

[Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair and in generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup]

ELAINE: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, I have to talk. It would be nice if we could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty.

[Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.]

ELAINE: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?

JERRY: An overdose of odor? Good question.

GEORGE: Do I smell?

ELAINE: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.

JERRY: Ahh.

GEORGE: He's alright?

ELAINE: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.

(The waitress brings the check.)

JERRY: Let me get that.

GEORGE: No no no, I got it.

JERRY: Please.

GEORGE: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars,

JERRY: (sarcastically) Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.

(Kramer enters and sits down.)

JERRY: What are you doing here?

KRAMER: I got fired from the movie.

GEORGE: Get out of here, why?

KRAMER: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.

ELAINE: Aww.

KRAMER: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.

(Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves.)

JERRY: Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.

[Closing monologue]

I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

The End.

S3E12 - The Red Dot

Broadcast date: December 11, 1991

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

David Naughton ................. Dick

Bridget Sienna ..................... Evie (Cleaning Woman)

Rachel Davies ...................... Saleswoman

rc: Richard Fancy ................ Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[At the comedy club]

JERRY: I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that?

[At a party]

JERRY: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.

GEORGE: Like you do.

JERRY: Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

GEORGE: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?

JERRY: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?

GEORGE: Why did France give that to us anyway?

JERRY: It was a gift.

GEORGE: So countries just exchange gifts like that?

JERRY: If they like each other.

GEORGE: There's Elaine.

JERRY: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.

GEORGE: Really? They work here in the office?

JERRY: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.

GEORGE: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.

JERRY: You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.

GEORGE: "Off the wagon"?

JERRY: I think it's off the wagon.

GEORGE: I think it's "on the wagon".

ELAINE: Jerry, George, what are you doing here?

JERRY: What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)

ELAINE: gasp My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry)

JERRY: Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.

ELAINE: Where did you find it?

JERRY: Under the sofa cushion.

ELAINE: And you stopped by just to give it to me?

JERRY: It's your Christmas present.

ELAINE: I though I'd never find it.

GEORGE: Well today's your lucky day.

ELAINE: No. Today's your lucky day.

GEORGE: It will be my first one.

ELAINE: You want to work here?

GEORGE: Huh?

ELAINE: Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.

DICK: Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?

JERRY: "The guy?"

ELAINE: (softly to Dick) Dick.

GEORGE: How can you just get it?

ELAINE: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink.

JERRY: Cranberry juice?

ELAINE: And vodka.

DICK: I got the cranberry juice.

DICK: So... you're Jerry.

JERRY: So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)

MR. LIPPMAN: (What is his name?) So have you ever done this kind of work before?

GEORGE: Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff.

MR. LIPPMAN: How do you read?

GEORGE: I like Mike Lubika.

MR. LIPPMAN: Mike Lubika?

GEORGE: He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful...

MR. LIPPMAN: No, no, no. I mean authors.

GEORGE: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.

MR. LIPPMAN: Name a couple.

GEORGE: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.

MR. LIPPMAN: Art Vandelay?

GEORGE: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.

MR. LIPPMAN: What has he written?

GEORGE: Venetian Blinds.

DICK: (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are.

JERRY: Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football.

ELAINE: Where's my drink?

JERRY: There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?

GEORGE: I think he was impressed.

ELAINE: No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.

JERRY: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.

ELAINE: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.

JERRY: I didn't know you meant hold it, I thought you meant hold it.

ELAINE: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.

GEORGE: Told you.

[At a clothing store]

JERRY: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

GEORGE: Do I really have to buy her something?

JERRY: Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?

GEORGE: What is that? Is that cashmere?

JERRY: Yeah. She would love cashmere.

GEORGE: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.

JERRY: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.

GEORGE: Wow. Excuse me, Miss?

SALES WOMAN: Yes?

GEORGE: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?

SALES WOMAN: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why.

GEORGE: What? I don't see anything.

SALES WOMAN: See this red dot?

GEORGE: Oh yeah.

JERRY: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)

GEORGE: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?

SALES WOMAN: There's no exchanges on this.

GEORGE: You think she would care about the red dot?

JERRY: It's hard to say.

GEORGE: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?

JERRY: Well I can see it.

GEORGE: Yeah, but you know where it is.

JERRY: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?

GEORGE: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?

JERRY: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.

GEORGE: Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?

JERRY: You want me to take an overview?

GEORGE: Please.

JERRY: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

[At Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Yeah so?

ELAINE: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.

JERRY: Oh boy, can you smell it?

ELAINE: No. I can't smell it.

JERRY: Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.

ELAINE: You don't always smell someone from a drink.

JERRY: Yes you do.

ELAINE: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?

JERRY: Yes you would.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?

KRAMER: Okay.

JERRY: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?

KRAMER: You can smell me without the drink.

ELAINE: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it.

KRAMER: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?

JERRY: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.

(Kramer drinks.)

KRAMER: All right.

(Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him.)

JERRY: I don't smell anything.

ELAINE: Maybe we're too close to the bottle.

(Jerry's buzzer buzzes.)

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: (over the speaker) It's George.

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: That is damn good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.

GEORGE: Hello everybody.

KRAMER: Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific.

GEORGE: (uncomfortablly) Thank you.

ELAINE: Hey what's that?

GEORGE: It's an early Christmas present.

ELAINE: Christmas present? For who?

GEORGE: For you.

ELAINE: gasp (pushing George) Get out of here.

KRAMER: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...

JERRY: Kramer. Yeah that'll do.

ELAINE: (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?

GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.

ELAINE: Oh, I love cashmere.

GEORGE: Well who doesn't.

ELAINE: My, George this must have cost a fortune.

GEORGE: Ahh, money.

ELAINE: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?

JERRY: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

ELAINE: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.

GEORGE: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

KRAMER: What's that red dot on your sweater?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.

ELAINE: Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.

GEORGE: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?

JERRY: (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.

ELAINE: What don't you know?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: Well do you see it or don't you?

JERRY: Ahem. Say that again?

ELAINE: Do you see it or don't you?

JERRY: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question.

(Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it. He comes back groggy.)

JERRY: Now what did you ask me again.

(Kramer is snoring.)

[At the office. Elaine is walking by]

ELAINE: You're still here. You're a dynamo.

GEORGE: I can't believe I get paid for this.

ELAINE: I'll see you tomorrow.

(Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady comes by.)

GEORGE: How you doing?

CLEANING WOMAN: Hello.

(The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the lady as she is cleaning.)

[At Monk's]

JERRY: You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that?

GEORGE: Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.

JERRY: Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.

GEORGE: Why is that?

JERRY: It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.

GEORGE: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)

JERRY: Convulsing?

GEORGE: Convulsing?

JERRY: I don't know, I'm trying to help you.

GEORGE: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.

JERRY: You don't drink.

GEORGE: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.

JERRY: So you started drinking.

GEORGE: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.

JERRY: So how was it?

GEORGE: Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans.

JERRY: Good thing the cleaning lady was there.

[At Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: Dick was fired.

JERRY: You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened.

ELAINE: You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all?

JERRY: What are you saying?

ELAINE: I'm not saying anything.

JERRY: You're saying something.

ELAINE: What could I be saying?

JERRY: Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something.

ELAINE: If I was saying something I would have said it.

JERRY: Well why don't you say it?

ELAINE: I said it.

JERRY: What did you say?

ELAINE: Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.

(Jerry's buzzer buzzes.)

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: (over the speaker) It's George.

JERRY: Come on up.

ELAINE: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer.

JERRY: No I didn't.

ELAINE: Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.

JERRY: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.

ELAINE: How much did he save?

JERRY: Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.

(Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom.)

GEORGE: I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.

JERRY: Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions.

GEORGE: Did you tell her anything?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Do you swear?

JERRY: I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.

GEORGE: Oh you told her didn't you.

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?

GEORGE: What? Did I what?

ELAINE: You did didn't you.

GEORGE: Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.

ELAINE: Well Jerry told me that you did.

GEORGE: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.

JERRY: I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you.

GEORGE: Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.

[At the office.]

GEORGE: This is for you.

CLEANING WOMAN: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.

GEORGE: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.

CLEANING WOMAN: Okay, okay, can I open it now?

GEORGE: Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.

CLEANING WOMAN: Oh! Is that cashmere?

GEORGE: Of course it's cashemere.

CLEANING WOMAN: A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!

GEORGE: Just a little something for Christmas.

CLEANING WOMAN: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.

GEORGE: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.

CLEANING WOMAN: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.

GEORGE: Take it off. You're going to ruin it.

CLEANING WOMAN: (noticing the dot) What's this?

[At the comedy club]

JERRY: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.

DICK: The only stench is comming from you.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh.

JERRY: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.

DICK: It's off the wagon.

JERRY: In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?

DICK: I don't know.

JERRY: On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?

DICK: You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy.

JERRY: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?

DICK: What the hell do you know about wagons?

JERRY: I know enough not to get on them.

[In the Lippman's office.]

MR. LIPPMAN: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

GEORGE: Who said that?

MR. LIPPMAN: She did.

GEORGE: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.

MR. LIPPMAN: You're fired.

GEORGE: Well you didn't have to say it like that.

MR. LIPPMAN: I want you out of here by the end of the day.

GEORGE: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there?

MR. LIPPMAN: Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this.

(He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face. George walks out of the office "wearing" it. )

[In the hall of the office]

ELAINE: You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.

GEORGE: You never had sex in the office before?

ELAINE: No. I once made out with someone but that was it.

GEORGE: Alright so you made out with someone.

ELAINE: Well that's not sex.

GEORGE: Kissing is sex.

ELAINE: Kissing is not sex.

JERRY: George?

GEORGE: Jerry.

ELAINE: Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: George?

GEORGE: Over here.

ELAINE: What are you doing here?

JERRY: I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up.

ELAINE: Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?

JERRY: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

ELAINE: So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.

JERRY: Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night.

crash

DICK: Merry Christmas.

ELAINE: Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.

GEORGE: Hide, hide under the desk.

ELAINE: Ow, ow move over.

JERRY: Get off of me.

ELAINE: I've got no room.

(Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater, his hand shaking.)

DICK: Is that cashmere?

GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.

DICK: (noticing the dot) What's this?

[At the comedy club]

JERRY: But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon.

DICK: You mean on the wagon.

JERRY: Don't get smart.

The End

S3E13 - The Subway

Broadcast date: January 8, 1992

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Ernie Sabella ........................ Naked Man

Barbara Stock ...................... Scam Woman

Rhoda Gemignani .............. Woman with Elaine

Mark Boone Junior ............. OTB Patron

Christopher Collins ............ Thug

Barry Vigon ......................... Player #1

Joe Restivo ........................... Player #2

Daryl Roach ......................... Violinist/Cop

Chet Nelson ......................... Kid

==================================================================

[Monk's Café, the whole gang at a booth]

KRAMER: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

ELAINE: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?

KRAMER: Well, yeah...

ELAINE: Ok, what time is your job interview George?

GEORGE: 9:45

JERRY: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'.

GEORGE: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.

ELAINE: All right, I'm gonna go.

JERRY: What time is the lesbian wedding?

ELAINE: 9:30

GEORGE: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?

ELAINE: Yeah, they flip a coin.

GEORGE: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.

JERRY: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)

GEORGE: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

KRAMER: Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.

JERRY: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.

[On the Subway]

GEORGE: How many tickets are you paying today?

KRAMER: Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket)

GEORGE: No doors?

KRAMER: I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.

(Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gives him some change, except George)

GEORGE: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.

VIOLIN PLAYER: Thank you.

GEORGE: That guy is not blind.

JERRY: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?

GEORGE: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.

JERRY: Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.

GEORGE: That's amazing.

JERRY: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.

GEORGE: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.

JERRY: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?

ELAINE: I can't. I'm the best man.

JERRY: Kramer, bumper-cars?

KRAMER: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?

JERRY: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.

SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT: 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.

(They all get off and go to different directions.)

ELAINE: See'ya.

[Multiple Subway Train Intro Scenes]

(Jerry comes in and sits down. A fat man across from him gives a look.)

(George gets on another subway train. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to another.)

(Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. Stumbles around as all seats get filled right before him. He squeezes himself into a seat with a young obese man.)

(Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry falls in his seat.)

[George's Train]

(Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her)

WOMAN: You looking for a job?

GEORGE: Me, why?

WOMAN: Well, you're reading the classifieds.

GEORGE: Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.

WOMAN: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.

GEORGE: Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.

WOMAN: So, you're in 'the market'?

GEORGE: Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.

WOMAN: Which market?

GEORGE: Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.

WOMAN: So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses?

GEORGE: They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.

WOMAN: Really?

GEORGE: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back.

(Train horn blows and George looks back)

[Elaine's Train]

(She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches her)

WOMAN: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.

ELAINE: It's ironic.

Women: What's ironic?

ELAINE: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.

WOMAN: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?

ELAINE: Oh...

WOMAN: Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?

ELAINE: A wedding.

Women: A wedding?

ELAINE: Yeah

WOMAN: Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.

ELAINE: You're telling me.

WOMAN: So, are they a nice couple?

ELAINE: Oh, very nice.

WOMAN: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?

ELAINE: She.

Women: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.

ELAINE: There is no he.

Women: There is no he. So, who's getting married?

ELAINE: Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.

Women: Lesbian wedding.

ELAINE: Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.

Women (talks to man next to her): My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)

ELAINE: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!

[Kramer's train]

(A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat. Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page.)

[Jerry's train]

(He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor. Man across gives him a look.)

[Elaine's train

(Train is full packed)

ELAINE'S VOICE: I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.

(Train suddenly stops)

ELAINE'S VOICE: Oh, man. We're stopping?

[George's train]

WOMAN: Well, this is where I get off.

GEORGE: Oh, you do?

WOMAN: Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.

GEORGE: No, no, what, what?

WOMAN: Well, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.

GEORGE: Yeah, well....

WOMAN: Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.

(George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her)

GEORGE: Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off.

(He gets stuck between closing doors)

GEORGE: I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!!

[Kramer's Train]

(Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking)

MAN1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick.

MAN2: How do you know it's going to win?

MAN1: My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 30:1. I'm telling you, it's a lock.

MAN2: But it rained last night.

MAN1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.

MAN2: His mudda' was a mudda'?

MAN1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) Hey, don't tell anybody.

(Kramer quickly turns away)

[Jerry's Train]

(Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is naked and reading a paper.)

JERRY: O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?

NAKED MAN: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.

JERRY: You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.

NAKED MAN: You got something against naked body?

JERRY: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?

NAKED MAN: Who's got time for squat thrusts?

JERRY: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.

NAKED MAN: I like a good breakfast.

JERRY: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.

NAKED MAN: I'm not ashamed of my body.

JERRY: That's your problem, you should be.

(Naked man drops half of his newspaper)

JERRY: Don't get up, please, allow me.

(Jerry picks up the paper)

[Elaine's Train]

(Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.)

ELAINE'S VOICE: Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!!

(Lights in the train go off)

[George and the woman step in to a hotel room]

GEORGE: Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.

WOMAN: Make your-self comfortable.

(She steps in to bathroom.)

GEORGE'S VOICE: Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.

(She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.)

GEORGE: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.

[Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy behind in the line.]

KRAMER: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.

GUY: The bug boy.

KRAMER: Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden.

GUY: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night.

KRAMER: Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.

GUY: His father was a mudda'?

KRAMER: His mudda' was a mudda'.

GUY: His mudda' was a mudda'?

KRAMER: What did I just say?

(Kramer gets to the cashier)

KRAMER: Hey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win.

[Jerry's train]

NAKED MAN: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.

JERRY: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.

NAKED MAN: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.

JERRY: Defence? Please. ...They need speed.

NAKED MAN: Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.

JERRY: Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.

NAKED MAN: They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.

JERRY: But you gotta like their chances.

NAKED MAN: I LUV their chances.

JERRY: Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.

NAKED MAN: It's a deal!

[Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights]

ELAINE'S VOICE: Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train starts moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! Train stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!!

[George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed]

GEORGE: Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.

WOMAN: Oh, don't worry. I do.

(She steps in to the bathroom)

GEORGE: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.

WOMAN: Like what?

GEORGE: Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame"

(She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed)

GEORGE: What's going on?

WOMAN: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going.

GEORGE: Get going? But we haven't really, you know....

WOMAN: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?

GEORGE: What are you doing? You're robbing me?

WOMAN: I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?

GEORGE: Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?

WOMAN: I'm taking your clothes.

GEORGE: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg.

WOMAN: Bye George.

GEORGE: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?

[Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office]

(The race is on and Pappanick is slowly making ground. Kramer is pounding himself imitating the jockey and shouts: Yes, yes, yes... The winner is Pappanick)

KRAMER: Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)

(Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around. There is a big thug looking at the money. Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes. The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of the train.)

NAKED MAN: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.

JERRY: First we ride the cyclone.

NAKED MAN: Chilly out.

(Jerry takes a deep breath)

JERRY: Aah, French fries.

[Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug picks Kramer up and looks for the money.]

THUG: Give me the money. Give me the money!

BLIND VIOLIN PLAYER: (puts a gun to the thug's head) Freeze, Police!

[Back to the Monk's café. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth]

JERRY: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.

ELAINE: Too bad.

JERRY: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!

(Waves around a stuffed monkey)

JERRY: You want him?

ELAINE: Get that out of my face.

JERRY: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!

(George enters wearing a sheet)

MAN AT THE COUNTER: (yelling) Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!

GEORGE: How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk?

ELAINE: George?

JERRY: Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?

GEORGE: You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?

JERRY: Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.

GEORGE: Give me your key, I gotta get it.

KRAMER: What happened?

GEORGE: Never mind what happened, just give me the key.

JERRY: Come on, I'll go with you.

ELAINE: Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait...

(Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed)

The End

S3E14 - The Pez Dispenser

Broadcast date: January 15, 1992

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Elizabeth Morehead ........... Noel

Fred Sanders ....................... John

Bill Applebaum ................... D'Giff

Allen Bloomfield ................ Polar Bear

Chris Barnes ....................... Richie

Steve Kehela ....................... Intervenor

Kate Benton ........................ Roberta

==================================================================

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: ...pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein!

GEORGE: We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life! Y'know?

(Jerry enters)

JERRY: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

GEORGE: I was telling you about Noel.

JERRY: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...

GEORGE: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...

JERRY: All right, I'm sorry. What about her?

GEORGE: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?

JERRY: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

GEORGE: No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...

GEORGE: How do I get the hand?

JERRY: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

GEORGE: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...

JERRY: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...

GEORGE: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!

GEORGE: With all due respect, I don't think so...

JERRY: That smells good, what is that?

KRAMER: The beach!

JERRY: The beach?

GEORGE: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!

KRAMER: I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

JERRY: You joined the Polar Bears?!

GEORGE: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?

KRAMER: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....

JERRY: Yeah... So's shock therapy.

JERRY: [with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?!

KRAMER: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.

GEORGE: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?

JERRY: You don't know?

GEORGE: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know...

JERRY: You think they have fleas there, don't you?

GEORGE: No...

JERRY: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.

GEORGE: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...

ELAINE: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?

JERRY: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.

ELAINE: No, we would have heard it.

JERRY: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?

GEORGE: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.

JERRY: [quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at me, isn't it?!

(A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.)

JERRY: Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)

(Noel begins. Dramatically. It's enough to make a man reach for his candy pooper. Jerry helps himself to a Pez, he stands Tweety up on Elaine's purse on her lap. Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter, but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter to snorting. Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses. Elaine removes herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here). Outside, she runs into an old acquaintance.)

STEVE: Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika.

ELAINE: Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi...

STEVE: What're you doing down here?

ELAINE: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing.

MOLLIKA: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up.

ELAINE: We did. We're just hanging out.

MOLLIKA: REally. ... You really look great.

ELAINE: Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?

MOLLIKA: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.

ELAINE: Have you thought about an intervention?

MOLLIKA: What's that?

ELAINE: You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.

MOLLIKA: He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.

(Cut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser.)

[Outside Noel's dressing room]

ElainELAINE: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!

GEORGE: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?

JERRY: I dunno, it was an impulse.

GEORGE: What kind of a sick impulse does that??

JERRY: How could I know she would start to laugh?

ELAINE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!

JERRY: Can we just go in already?

GEORGE: What are we gonna tell her?

ELAINE: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.

GEORGE: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk...

ELAINE: [To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.

JERRY: What about?

GEORGE: Hey, hey! We're discussing something!

JERRY: I know, but I'm distracted now.

GEORGE: What are you? A baby!? All right. Tell her.

ELAINE: When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.

JERRY: Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?

ELAINE: He's good.

GEORGE: Uh, can we cut to the chase?

JERRY: "Cut to the chase"?

GEORGE: Yeah...

JERRY: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?

GEORGE: A lot of people say it.

JERRY: I would lose that.

GEORGE: [Accusingly] What's that?

JERRY: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!

GEORGE: [Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is.

ELAINE: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.

JERRY: Really, an intervention ...

GEORGE: Y'know people, we got a situation over here!

ELAINE: Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.

JERRY: Me? Why me?

ELAINE: 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.

JERRY: Y'know these things are really hard to load...

GEORGE: All right, OK, I'm goin' in.

JERRY: We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)

ELAINE: All right.

(They Enter)

GEORGE: Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.

NOEL: No..

GEORGE: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel

JERRY: You play a Hell of a piano.

ELAINE: Yeah, I was really moved, really moved.

NOEL: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated...

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you.

NOEL: Well then, what was she laughing at?

JERRY: Pez?

NOEL: Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?

GEORGE: Me, uh, uh, no, ...

JERRY: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

ELAINE: Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

JERRY: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.

NOEL: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits]

ELAINE: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.

GEORGE: If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other)

[Noel enters]

GEORGE: All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.

NOEL: I don't feel like it tonight.

JERRY: We'll be outside

ELAINE: Yeah

JERRY: It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?

NOEL: I just crack my knuckles.

GEORGE: We'll have a good time

NOEL: I don't feel like it

GEORGE: Ah, come on

NOEL: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!

GEORGE: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqué. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]

[MONKS]

JERRY: You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.

ELAINE: What? How?

JERRY: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.

ELAINE: So? What happened?

JERRY: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.

ELAINE: Shut up!

JERRY: All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.

ELAINE: Whar about Kramer?

JERRY: He's the same!

[Jerry on phone at home]

JERRY: Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?

KRAMER: (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

JERRY: Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.

KRAMER: Can I get in on that?

JERRY: What do you think? It's like a poker game?

KRAMER: Is Elaine going?

JERRY: Yeah

KRAMER: Well, I knew him as well as she did.

JERRY: Yeah, but John invited her.

KRAMER: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?

JERRY: No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

(Buzzer)

GEORGE: It's George

JERRY: Stop smelling your arm.

KRAMER: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach

JERRY: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea."

KRAMER: Tell me about it!

JERRY: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.

[George enters]

GEORGE: Well it's over. It's definitely over.

JERRY: She broke up with you?

GEORGE: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

JERRY: What was on the list?

GEORGE: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,

JERRY: Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,

GEORGE: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.

JERRY: What's wrong with lunch?

GEORGE: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.

KRAMER: I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?

GEORGE: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

KRAMER: Break up with her

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

JERRY: A preemptive breakup.

GEORGE: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

[MONKS]

GEORGE: So, I am have to going to break up with you.

NOEL: You're breaking up with me?

GEORGE: I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.

NOEL: Wow.

GEORGE: Shocked?

NOEL: I really am.

GEORGE: Never expected this did you?

NOEL: I thought everything was fine.

GEORGE: Well, live and learn.

NOEL: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?

GEORGE: Kind of.

NOEL: I'm very confused.

GEORGE: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.

NOEL: I thought,...

GEORGE: Now, stop it ...

NOEL: What do you want, I can make you happy.

GEORGE: When you're playing the piano do you think about me?

NOEL: I don't know.

GEORGE: This is what I'm talking about.

NOEL: OK, I'll think about you.

GEORGE: All the time.

NOEL: All the time? ... OK, All the time.

GEORGE: I can't hear you.

NOEL: All the time. ALL THE TIME.

GEORGE: See, It's not so hard.

[CALVIN KLEIN]

KRAMER: Go ahead smell, smell

STEVE: Yeah, so?

KRAMER: Do you recognize it? ... The beach.

STEVE: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm talking about the beach.

STEVE: What about it?

KRAMER: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.

STEVE: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.

KRAMER: Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?

STEVE: Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.

KRAMER: So you don't think it's a good idea?

[The Intervention [NOTE:DOUBLE CHECK THIS PART FOR SURE!!!!]

(To Elaine)

GUY: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there

ELAINE: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?

GUY: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.

(To Jerry)

OTHER GUY: Are there any ice cubes?

JERRY: In the freezer.

OTHER GUY: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.

JERRY: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.

OTHER GUY: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away)

GUY: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?

STEVE: What's the plan?

JERRY: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.

OTHER GUY: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.

GUY: No, we all have to talk.

ELAINE: What's the order?

GUY: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.

ROBERTA: Why am I first?

ELAINE: Albano is your last name.

ROBERTA: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.

STEVE: I'll go first.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Is this the interference?

JERRY: Intervention.

OTHER GUY: What are you doing here?

KRAMER: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?

STEVE: Hey, this is for close friends only.

KRAMER: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?

OTHER GUY: Let him stay.

KRAMER: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.

STEVE: Somebody's going to make that crap?

(Some old guys enter)

OLD GUY: Kramer!

KRAMER: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.

OTHER GUY: They can't stay.

OLD GUY: We're having a party here?

JERRY: No, we're having an intervention

OLD GUY: An intervention? Who's intervening?

JERRY: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.

OLD GUY: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"

(Buzzer)

GUY: It's him.

ROBERTA: What should we do?

ELAINE: Hide!

JERRY: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)

GEORGE: It's George

JERRY: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.

GUY: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.

ELAINE: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.

GUY: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

ELAINE: You're getting warm.

(George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)

GEORGE: We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.

JERRY: We're having the intervention for Richie.

GEORGE: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?

JERRY: Well, uh..

NOEL: (happily) Elaine, hi.

ELAINE: Oh, hi Noel

(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)

JERRY: Well, you're looking well.

GEORGE: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.

STEVE: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

GEORGE: (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!

STEVE: You think so?

GEORGE: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you

OLD MAN: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.

ELAINE: (Chuckles)

Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.

ELAINE: (laughs)

(Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven)

NOEL: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.

ELAINE: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.

(Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg)

NOEL: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.

JERRY: I didn't know she would laugh.

NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me.

GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?

NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you!

GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.

NOEL: And you're going to need it.

(Noel exits, George chases her)

(Richie and John enter)

JERRY: Hey Richie

RICHIE: So what's going on?

(Later)

JERRY: It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.

GEORGE: I can't do these puzzles.

JERRY: So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table

GEORGE: Ah ah Pez dispenser.

JERRY: He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them

GEORGE: Well they're hard to load.

JERRY: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.

GEORGE: Poor kid.

JERRY: So as he's telling the story he starts crying.

GEORGE: What did you do?

JERRY: What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.

GEORGE: Wow

JERRY: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.

GEORGE: What's a three letter word for candy?

JERRY: I can't do those things.

The End

S3E15 - The Suicide

Broadcast date: January 29, 1992

Written By Tom Leopold

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Gina Gallego ....................... Gina

Mimi Lieber ........................ Rula

C.E. Grimes ........................ Martin

Howard Schecter ............... Doctor

Aimee Aro .......................... Faithy

Peggy Lane O'Rourke ...... Nurse

rc: Wayne Knight .............. Newman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it’s worse because now they’ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that’s why these people don’t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don’t work, try a rope. Car won’t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There’s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

[Jerry’s Apartment]

JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

ELAINE: Na.

JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out for dinner in ten minutes.

ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?

(buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: It’s George.

JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You’ve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?

ELAINE: I don’t know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?

JERRY: I think I’ll take out the garbage.

ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted?

JERRY: Well, once I didn’t have dinner until, like 9:00 o’clock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage – meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya’? Throw out my garbage for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: Come on, it’s just down the hall.

GEORGE: Give me two bucks. I’ll do it for two bucks.

JERRY: I’ll give you 50 cents.

GEORGE: There’s no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.

JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drake’s coffee cake

GEORGE: You’re not getting no Drake’s Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I’m all set. I got the ticket. I’m going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.

JERRY: I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?

GEORGE: It’s an incredible deal. I don’t know why you don’t come with me.

JERRY: Nah, I don’t go for these non-refundable deals. I can’t commit to a woman. I’m not going to commit to an airline.

(Gina enters the hall)

GINA: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

GINA: How are you?

JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drake’s Coffee Cake is?

GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.

JERRY: How much do they cost?

GINA: The junior?

GEORGE: No, no the full size.

JERRY: No, no the junior.

GEORGE: You didn’t say "junior".

GINA: I haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl.

JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya’ doing?

MARTIN: Good enough.

(MARTIN leaves with Gina)

JERRY: Boy she’s sexy isn’t she?

(Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer’s apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry’s apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.)

JERRY: Do you believe that guy?

ELAINE: What guy?

JERRY: My neighbour:

ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy?

JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?

GEORGE: He didn’t seem too pleased.

ELAINE: Maybe I’ll get a steak with french fried onion wings.

GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.

JERRY: What’s so amazing? You’ve seen him before.

GEORGE: I haven’t seen him for months.

JERRY: What was the dream?

GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

JERRY: I think I’ve played there.

GEORGE: I’ve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.

JERRY: You’re a little paranormal

ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time.

GEORGE: I’d love to go. Make an appointment.

JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?

GEORGE: I just got fired.

JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.

ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.

JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.

(They exit)

[Jerry’s apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]

JERRY: Who is it? Who is it?

GINA: It’s Gina.

JERRY: Who?

GINA: Martine’s girl friend.

JERRY: Martine?

GINA: You next door neighbour.

JERRY: Oh, Martin!

(Jerry opens door)

GEORGE: It’s Martine. I think he’s dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.

JERRY: What?

GINA: Come on.

JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.

GINA: We don’t have enough time.

JERRY: It’ll take two seconds.

GINA: There is no time.

JERRY: We don’t have two seconds?

GINA: All right. Go ahead.

JERRY: Nah, forget it.

GINA: No, go ahead.

JERRY: Nah. I’ll just wear the pajamas.

GINA: Will you just get it.

JERRY: Are you sure?

GINA: Forget it. Come on.

JERRY: Nah, I’ll go get the robe.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center]

JERRY: That’s not too bad. It’s not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.

GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.

JERRY: Really? It’s over?

GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man’s hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.

JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?

GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake’s Coffee Cake.

JERRY: He said that?

GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How it’s too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

JERRY: I’m sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.

GINA: I wasn’t.

JERRY: You weren’t?

GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?

JERRY: Of course.

GINA: Tell me everything.

JERRY: Are you sure he can’t hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.

GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.

JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they’re going to look at a thing like this.

GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.

JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.

GINA: Are you afraid of him?

JERRY: No.

GINA: Then kiss me.

JERRY: Here?

GINA: Yes, right here.

JERRY: Is this the proper venue?

GINA: You don’t want to?

JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.

GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him.

JERRY: I can’t. What if he wakes up?

GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and you’re afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?

JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy’s got a coma going like this … you don’t want to mess with it.

[Jerry’s apartment]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin?

JERRY: Yeah, I heard.

KRAMER: I can’t believe he’s in a coma.

KRAMER: He’s got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?

JERRY: Who told you about Martin?

KRAMER: Newman! He’s good friends with him.

JERR: Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.

KRAMER: He’s got all of my attachments, you know.

JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?

KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?

JERRY: You know I don’t get that whole suicide machine. There’s no tall buildings where these people live? They can’t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

KRAMER: So what’s going on between you and Gina?

JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.

KRAMER: Uh, uh.

JERRY: So we’re in the room and she’s trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.

KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see that’s the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don’t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

JERRY: I didn’t know what the coma etiquette was.

KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see that’s the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn’t matter what you do around it.

JERRY: So you’re saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it’s all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.

KRAMER: I’d give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can’t get out of it in 24 hours, it’s a land rush.

JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he’s thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there’s nothing left?

KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! That’s why I’m trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody’s going to grab it.

[The psychic’s apartment]

RULA: Martin’s spirit came to you as a warning.

ELAINE: Why would he come to George?

RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.

GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different.

RULA: You are. Some coffee cake?

GEORGE: Drakes?

RULA: Yes.

GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?

RULA: No, why?

GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drake’s Coffee Cake.

RULA: Maybe I did.

ELAINE: Take it away.

GEORGE: She hasn’t eaten in two days.

RULA: Who’s Pauline?

GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.

RULA: Do you think about her?

GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned.

RULA: Cut these with your left hand.

GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.

RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.

GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?

RULA: Not in this life.

ELAINE: Should you be smoking?

RULA: Does it bother you?

ELAINE: You’re pregnant.

GEORGE: Elaine.

RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy.

RULA: Ah oh.

GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?

RULA: I don’t know about this trip George.

GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?

ELAINE: It’s really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.

GEORGE: Elaine, she’s a psychic. She knows how the kid’s going to be.

GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?

RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.

ELAINE: Now listen. I just don’t know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.

GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?

ELAINE: It’s disgusting.

RULA: I DON’T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.

ELAINE: Oh fine, I don’t like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.

RULA: Get the hell out.

(Elaine leaving)

GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.

GEORGE: If you don’t say anything I will assume it’s a plane crash.

RULA: Get out.

GEORGE: Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?

[Jerry’s apartment]

GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.

JERRY: You can say what you want about me but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?

JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of?

JERRY: They’re a comedy team.

GINA: Tell me about them. Everything.

JERRY: Well, they’re three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.

GINA: You will show me The Stooges?

JERRY: I will show you The Stooges.

GINA: When?

JERRY: Well, I don’t really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.

GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab.

JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I don’t want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it’s not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.

GINA: You’re still afraid. You are not a man.

JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?

GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?

JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.

(Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)

KRAMER: You should just eat fruit.

NEWMAN: I can’t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.

KRAMER: ???

NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hello Newman.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.

GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn’t hurt me.

ELAINE: (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?

JERRY: Boy, it’s a good thing we came.

GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there’s native unrest.

ELAINE: Hi, I haven’t eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.

NURSE: We’ll call you.

JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If I’m ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.

GEORGE: How come?

JERRY: Looters.

ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?

JERRY: She’s really hungry.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: Kramer

KRAMER: Well, Newman’s upstairs visiting Martin.

GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?

KRAMER: You’re not going?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: Why not?

GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.

KRAMER: I dig.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin’s room]

KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she’s going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she’s going to kill me.

NEWMAN: He can’t hear you, you idiot. Why don’t you just buy another one.

KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?

NEWMAN: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.

KRAMER: I don’t want a carpet sweeper. They don’t do anything.

NEWMAN: It gets my rug clean.

KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

NEWMAN: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.

KRAMER: I wouldn’t set foot in your house.

(Jerry enters)

JERRY: Hello.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: How’s he doing?

KRAMER: He looks happy to me.

NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.

JERRY: Why wouldn’t he?

NEWMAN: No reason.

JERRY: He’ll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.

NEWMAN: I’ll bring him up to date.

JERRY: How up to date?

NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up.

JERRY: And nothing could change your mind?

NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.

KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He’s not going.

NEWMAN: I don’t care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..

JERRY: Drake’s Coffee Cake

NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?

JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them.

NEWMAN: Boy, that’s the full size.

JERRY: That’s your big boy.

NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?

JERRY: I don’t give out bites. I got another one. But I’m saving it for later.

NEWMAN: Just one bite?

JERRY: I don’t think so. You know they, they’re so fragile.

NEWMAN: All right! All right. I won’t say anything.

JERRY: You swear?

NEWMAN: I swear.

JERRY: On your mother’s life?

NEWMAN: On my mother’s life.

KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh

NEWMAN: Oooh,

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.

(George sees the Psychic’s girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic’s room))

GEORGE: …sweetheart, no come here, … sweetheart

RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)

GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.

RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. They’re supposed to take me into the delivery room.

GEORGE: Oh, that’s great. That’s great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don’t even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn’t get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..

RULA: Oh, where’s the nurse

GEORGE: I don’t know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don’t you get a nurse for mommy? … Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.

RULA: Don’t take that trip.

GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why?

RULA: (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.

(Doctor enters)

Dx: All right, Rula, it’s time to go.

GEORGE: Because? Because?

(Elaine enters Martins room)

ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! … Drake’s Coffee Cake? … Give me that.

NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or I’ll tell.

JERRY: Elaine! No! No!

MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh,

(In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)

GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

(Martin’s room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake’s Coffee Cake)

NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.

KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!

JERRY: Hey!

NEWMAN: It was disgusting.

[Jerry’s apartment]

JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out to dinner in ten minutes.

GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

JERRY: What did she name the kid?

GEORGE: You wouldn’t believe it. Rasputin.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Heey!

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: when did you get back?

KRAMER: A couple of hours ago.

GEORGE: So how was it?

KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.

JERRY: osh.

KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.

JERRY: Woah. (hitting George)

KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.

JERRY: Wow! (hitting George)

KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson

JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)

KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.

JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)

KRAMER: She’s a sweet kid.

JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!

KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That’s probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.

GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta’ watch for the jellyfish.

KRAMER: Yeah.

KRAMER: What’s this?

JERRY: Oh, it’s an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.

KRAMER: They moved in together?

JERRY: Yeah, it’s some place down in the village.

KRAMER: Phew.

(buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: It’s Elaine.

JERRY: All right we’re coming down.

KRAMER: Hey, where ya’ going?

JERRY: We’re taking Elaine to dinner. She’s got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?

KRAMER: Um, I’d like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we’ll be getting together.

GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there?

KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back.

(Kramer exits)

The End

S3E16 - The Fix-Up

Broadcast date: February 5, 1992

Written By Elaine Pope & Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Maggie Jakobson................. Cynthia

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

Well have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would have a good time and a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now you are playing God. Of course God was the first person to fix people up. Fixed up Adam and Eve. Ya know I'm sure he said to Adam, "No she's nice ah..she's a..she's a.. yeah she's very free about here body doesn't really wear much and ah she was going out with a snake. I think that's over though."

[Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant.]

GEORGE: Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it.

JERRY: Oh, yes you will.

GEORGE: No, I won't.

JERRY: Yeah, maybe you won't.

GEORGE: I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.

JERRY: Are my nostrils getting bigger?

GEORGE: No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm

George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?

(Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers up a meek 'Hi' which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' a few more times as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though we was saying that anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch than read.)

[Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another restaurant.]

CYNTHIA: There's just no men out there, you know?

ELAINE: I know.

CYNTHIA: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.

ELAINE: I hate the good ones.

CYNTHIA: Is Jerry one of the good ones?

ELAINE: That's a good question, I think he thinks he is.

CYNTHIA: Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right."

ELAINE: You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.

CYNTHIA: No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.

[Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily.]

GEORGE: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.

JERRY: Oh, so there's still hope.

GEORGE: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

JERRY: Oh, so hopelessness is the key.

GEORGE: It's my only hope.

[Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.]

CYNTHIA: See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.

ELAINE: Well, at least you're not bitter.

CYNTHIA: Who says I'm not bitter?

ELAINE: Aren't you too young to be bitter?

CYNTHIA: No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.

ELAINE: Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me.

CYNTHIA: Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.

[Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.

ELAINE: So what'd you do last night?

JERRY: Went out with George, you?

ELAINE: Went out with Cynthia.

JERRY: How was it? What'd you talk about?

ELAINE: Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you?

JERRY: We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody.

ELAINE: I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up.

JERRY: George too.

(They look at each other for a moment.)

JERRY AND ELAINE (together): Yeah, right.

JERRY: I've never fixed anybody up.

ELAINE: Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.

JERRY: Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?

ELAINE: I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'?

JERRY: Well you implied it.

ELAINE: I didn't say it.

JERRY: Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?

ELAINE: Who is he?

JERRY: He's George!

ELAINE: She's Cynthia!

JERRY: So what?

ELAINE: What, you don't think she's beautiful?

JERRY: I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?

ELAINE: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

JERRY: I went out with you.

ELAINE: That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.

JERRY: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.

ELAINE: He can really do that?

JERRY: Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along.

ELAINE: What, are you into this?

JERRY: Yeah, come on, it's a good match.

ELAINE: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?

JERRY: Naturally.

ELAINE: Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?

JERRY: Everything.

ELAINE: What if it worked out?

JERRY (dialing): Yeah right.

[Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: Out of the question. Out of the question!

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like?

JERRY: She's good looking.

GEORGE: How good looking?

JERRY: Very good looking.

GEORGE: Really good looking?

JERRY: Really very good looking.

GEORGE: Would you take her out?

JERRY: Yes, I would take her out.

GEORGE: Oh, you hesitated.

JERRY: What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!

GEORGE: No, something's off here, you hesitated.

JERRY: I'm telling you, she's good looking.

GEORGE: What about the body, what kind of body?

JERRY: Good body, nice body.

GEORGE: How nice?

JERRY: Nice.

GEORGE: Just nice?

JERRY: Pretty nice.

GEORGE: Really good?

JERRY: Really very nice and good.

GEORGE: What about personality?

JERRY: Good personality. Funny. Bright.

GEORGE: Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.

JERRY: How could she be smarter than you?

GEORGE: Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do?

[Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion.]

CYNTHIA: First of all, what does he do?

ELAINE: He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now-

CYNTHIA: He's not working?! How come he's not working?

ELAINE: Well, um, he, he got fired.

CYNTHIA: Why did he get fired?

ELAINE: Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.

CYNTHIA: Excuse me?

ELAINE: Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.

CYNTHIA: Is he nuts?

ELAINE: No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.

CYNTHIA: What does he look like?

ELAINE: Pardon?

CYNTHIA: What does he look like?

ELAINE: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.

CYNTHIA: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?

ELAINE: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.

CYNTHIA: He's bald?

ELAINE: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.

CYNTHIA: So he will be bald.

ELAINE: Yup.

[Cut back to Jerry and George.]

GEORGE: What kind of hair?

JERRY: You know, long dark hair.

GEORGE: Flowing?

JERRY: Flowing?

GEORGE: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.

JERRY: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?

GEORGE: Yeah, that's right.

JERRY: Just clarifying.

GEORGE: Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?

JERRY: Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?

GEORGE: I'd like to be able to get it out.

JERRY: I think you'll get it out.

GEORGE: What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.

JERRY: She's got a fine cheek.

GEORGE: Is there a pinkish hue?

JERRY: A pinkish hue?

GEORGE: Yes, a rosy glow.

JERRY: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.

GEORGE: Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that.

JERRY: I don't think you'll throw up. She likes to throw up.

[Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia]

CYNTHIA: Has he ever been married?

ELAINE: No.

CYNTHIA: Has he been close?

ELAINE: He once spent a weekend with a woman.

CYNTHIA: He didn't really try to poison his boss?

ELAINE: Yeah, he did.

[The next day, George is back at Jerry's]

GEORGE: We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?

JERRY: I think it's tamber.

GEORGE: Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?

JERRY: I didn't notice the voice.

GEORGE: It's mellifluous!

JERRY: So, Saturday night.

GEORGE: She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Hey! Saturday night!

ELAINE: I know!

GEORGE: So, what did she say?

ELAINE: She said you're getting together Saturday night!

GEORGE: That's it?

ELAINE: Yeah!

GEORGE: She didn't mention anything about the conversation?

ELAINE: No.

GEORGE: Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: She could have mentioned the conversation.

GEORGE: Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?

JERRY: Oh, the guy from Jersey?

KRAMER: Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross.

GEORGE: What are you gonna do with all of them?

KRAMER: Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.

JERRY: No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.

KRAMER: Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.

ELAINE: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.

GEORGE: I'll take one. It's possible.

[Mid-episode monologue]

The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) he puts them in the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" (nods) "Have a nice day." "You too."

[Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's date to end.]

JERRY: So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?

ELAINE: I think they went out to dinner.

JERRY: Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello?

GEORGE: Yeah, it's me, I just got home.

JERRY: Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line.

JERRY: Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.

ELAINE: Remember our pact. Full disclosure.

JERRY: Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead.

GEORGE: Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.

JERRY: You can tell me, I'll vault it.

GEORGE: It's in the vault?

JERRY: I'm locking the vault. What?

GEORGE: We had sex.

JERRY: Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?

GEORGE: I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.

JERRY: At your apartment?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: She didn't stay over?

GEORGE: No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.

[Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia.]

ELAINE: Oh my god.

CYNTHIA: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.

ELAINE: So? How was it?

CYNTHIA: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.

ELAINE: Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry.

CYNTHIA: Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this.

ELAINE: Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello?

JERRY: So, what did she have to say?

ELAINE: What did he have to say?

JERRY: He said they had a good time.

ELAINE: Her too.

JERRY: Oh, good.

ELAINE: Anything else?

JERRY: Nope. You?

ELAINE: Nope.

JERRY: You sure?

ELAINE: Yup. You?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.

JERRY: Yeah. Okay then.

ELAINE: Alright. Goodnight.

JERRY: Goodnight.

[Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.

JERRY: Well, I'm gonna do something about this.

GEORGE: What are you gonna do?

JERRY: Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this.

GEORGE: I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.

JERRY: I'm gonna call her.

GEORGE: No, don't call her.

JERRY: No, I'm calling her.

GEORGE: No, Jerry, don't call.

JERRY: No, forget it, I'm gonna call.

GEORGE: I don't want you to call.

JERRY: Get away from me, I'm gonna call her.

GEORGE: Give me the phone!

JERRY: George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight?

GEORGE: Jerry, I'm gonna kill you!

Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight.

KRAMER: Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it!

JERRY: I'll just call her when you leave!

GEORGE: You can't do that, it's none of your business!

JERRY: It is so my business!

KRAMER: Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you!

GEORGE: But tell him to give me the--

KRAMER: Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Yeah, but--

KRAMER: Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.

JERRY: But Kramer--

KRAMER: Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.

(Jerry and George shake hands)

KRAMER: Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Right.

GEORGE: Defective?!

KRAMER: Defective.

GEORGE: (attacking Kramer) How could you give me a defective condom?!

KRAMER: I didn't even know they were defective.

(Jerry gets between them to break up the fight)

KRAMER: Didn't even thin you were gonna use them.

GEORGE: What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?!

JERRY: Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already!

[Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia]

CYNTHIA: I missed my period.

ELAINE: Oh my god.

CYNTHIA: I am very worried, I am never late.

ELAINE: But he used a condom, right?

CYNTHIA: I know, but these things aren't always foolproof.

ELAINE: Oh no.

CYNTHIA: What?

ELAINE: Was it blue?

CYNTHIA: Yeah. How'd you know?

ELAINE: Just a hunch.

[Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda.]

JERRY: Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off!

(Elaine walks in and give him a funny look.)

JERRY: Oh, hi. Soda?

ELAINE: No thanks.

JERRY: So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?

ELAINE: Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her.

JERRY: Oh, I know her. I know her type.

ELAINE: Her type? What type?

JERRY: The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!

ELAINE: You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea!

JERRY: I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend.

ELAINE: She's not bitter!

JERRY: Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!

ELAINE: Twisted? God, I did you a favor.

JERRY: I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me?

ELAINE: Are you calling me a liar?

JERRY: I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?

ELAINE: Are you?

JERRY: Get your finger out of my face.

ELAINE: You get yours out, I was here first!

JERRY: I don't care.

ELAINE: Get it out!

(Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap fight, and gets in the middle.)

KRAMER: Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work.

ELAINE: I knew those condoms were defective!

JERRY: How did you know they were defective?!

(George walks in.)

ELAINE: Because! Because she missed her period!

GEORGE: She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!

(George rushes out, hysterical.)

[Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant]

CYNTHIA: So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless.

ELAINE: Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody.

CYNTHIA: I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." And so, I asked him to come in, he came in--

(George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping.)

ELAINE: Hi!

GEORGE: Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic.

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: Acting.

ELAINE: Very mature.

JERRY: Thank you. Hi Cynthia.

CYNTHIA: Hi.

JERRY: Well this is a great place to sit you got here.

CYNTHIA: Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the kitchen.

GEORGE: (hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin) Stop it, stop it.

JERRY: So what are these?

ELAINE: Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating.

(George starts eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. You get the idea that the relationship has just ended.)

GEORGE: (with a mouth full of food) This is good. Oh, this is good.

[Closing monologue]

Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now, you're playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake, I think that's over though."

The End

S3E17 - The Boyfriend (1)

Broadcast date: February 12, 1992

Written By Larry David and Larry Levin

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Keith Hernandez ................ Himself

Rae Allen ............................. Mrs. (Lenore) Sokol

Richard Assad ..................... Cabbie

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe.

[Gym Locker Room]

KRAMER: Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball.

GEORGE: Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.

JERRY: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.

GEORGE: Oh I'm a chucker.

JERRY: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.

GEORGE: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!

JERRY: You chuck.

GEROGE: Kramer am I a chucker?

KRAMER: You're a chucker.

GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?

JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.

KRAMER: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.

JERRY: Believe me I didn't see anything.

KRAMER: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?

JERRY: No, did you?

KRAMER: Yeah, I snuck a peak.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Why not? hey what about you George?

GEORGE: yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.

JERRY: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.

KRAMER: Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.

JERRY: All right

KRAMER: Have a good one.

JERRY: All right

GEORGE: See ya.

(Kramer exits)

GEORGE: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?

JERRY: You know who that is? That's

GEORGE: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?

JERRY: Yeah, that's him.

GEORGE: Are you sure?

JERRY: Positive.

GEORGE: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.

JERRY: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.

GEORGE: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff

JERRY: So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

GEORGE: ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension

JERRY: Hey, should we say something to him?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.

JERRY: well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.

GEORGE: He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball!

JERRY: I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.

GEORGE: What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.

KEITH: Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.

JERRY: Really?

KEITH: I've always wanted to do what you do.

JERRY: What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time

GEORGE: Mine too.

KEITH: I love that bit about Jimmy Olson

JERRY: Thank you.

GEORGE: You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ...

KEITH: (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now?

JERRY: I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in.

GEORGE: But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out.

KEITH: You know, I live on the East Side.

JERRY: I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.

KEITH: or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee

JERRY: Oh. that would be great.

GEORGE: Uh, it's only a matter of time.

KEITH: Who's this chucker?

[Monks]

JERRY: It's been three days and he hasn't called.

ELAINE: Well maybe you should call him.

JERRY: I can't ... I can't

ELAINE: Why not?

JERRY: I don't know. I just feel he should call me.

ELAINE: What's the difference?

JERRY: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call.

ELAINE: Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.

JERRY: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?

ELAINE: I'm sorry honey.

JERRY: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.

ELAINE: No,

JERRY: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.

ELAINE: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call.

JERRY: Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!

ELAINE: You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?

JERRY: Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?

ELAINE: Why don't you just go ahead and call him?

JERRY: I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him?

ELAINE: Just ask him if he wants a to get together.

JERRY: For what dinner?

ELAINE: Dinner's good.

JERRY: Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off?

ELAINE: Jerry, He's A GUY!

JERRY: ... this is all .. very confusing.

[Middle Monologue]

When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!

[New York State Department of Labor]

MRS. SOKOL: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out.

GEORGE: Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension.

MRS. SOKOL: So where have you been looking for work?

GEORGE: Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.

MRS. SOKOL: Can you be specific about any of these companies?

GEORGE: Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..

MRS. SOKOL: Well just give me one name.

GEORGE: Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandelay Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close.

MRS. SOKOL: And what type of company is that?

GEORGE: Latex, latex manufacturing

MRS. SOKOL: And you interviewed there?

GEORGE: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.

MRS. SOKOL: I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandelay company...

GOERGE: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door.

MRS. SOKOL: The address!

GEORGE: YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?

MRS. SOKOL: No.

GEORGE: Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny.

MRS. SOKOL: The ADDRESS!

GEORGE: uh, Uh, Vandelay Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandelay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them.

MRS. SOKOL: The PHONE number.

GEORGE: That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours.

MRS. SOKOL: As soon as I'm done wit you!

GEORGE: Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,.

(George runs down hall)

[Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth]

GEORGE: (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back.

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?

JERRY: Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?

ELAINE: Jerry, ... He's a GUY!

KRAMER: well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call.

[Phone Booth]

GEORGE: (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?

KRAMER: George?

GEORGE: Kramer put Jerry on the phone.

KRAMER: (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back.

GEORGE: Kramer!! Kramer no!!

KRAMER: ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.

[Phone Booth]

GEORGE: hitting phone

[Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him]

(George looks at him)

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby.

JERRY: Oh, see the baby again with the baby..

ELAINE: Who are they?

JERRY: Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby.

JERRY: (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape?

ELAINE: You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.

JERRY: uh uh because then it would be all grown up.

ELAINE: yeah ha ha ha

JERRY: Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?

KRAMER: (does a double take) It's too busy

ELAINE: It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.

KRAMER: What guy?

JERRY: I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him.

KRAMER: Who are you talkin about?

JERRY: Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.

KRAMER: KEITH HERNANDEZ?

NEWMAN: (enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?

[In cab]

GEORGE: Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please.

(changes lanes)

GEORGE: You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light -

CABBY: That's it GET OUT!!

GEORGE: Get out?

CABBY: Get out of my cab.

GEORGE: Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab

(Cabby gets out)

GEORGE: No, no! You can't throw me out

(Wrestling in cab)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Hellooo Newman.

KRAMER: I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.

NEWMAN: I despise him.

ELAINE: Why?

NEWMAN: Why? I'll tell you why...

KRAMER: Let me tell it ..

NEWMAN: No, you can't tell it ..

KRAMER: You always tell it ..

NEWMAN: All right, tell it.

KRAMER: Ja ja ja - just tell it

NEWMAN: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.

KRAMER: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.

NEWMAN: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.

ELAINE: What was it?

KRAMER: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

NEWMAN: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.

ELAINE: Wow! What a story.

JERRY: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.

JERRY: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.

[THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF KEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM; SCENE IN

THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!]

NEWMAN: Well that's the way it happened.

JERRY: What happened to your head when you got hit?

KRAMER: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left

JERRY: Again

KRAMER: Back and to the left

JERRY: Back and to the left Back and to the left

ELAINE: So, what are you saying?

JERRY: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.

ELAINE: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.

JERRY: But that is not what they would have you believe.

NEWMAN: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)

KRAMER: Wait, wait, (Exits)

JERRY: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.

(George runs in)

GEORGE: (Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?

JERRY: No. What happened to you?

GEORGE: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".

JERRY: I'm Vandelay Industries?

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: And what is that?

GEORGE: You're in latex

JERRY: Latex? And what do I do with latex?

GEORGE: Ya manufacture it.

ELAINE: Here in this little apartment?

JERRY: And what do I say about you?

GEORGE: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

JERRY: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: I don't think so. Why would I do that?

GEORGE: Because I asked you to.

JERRY: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: It's Keith.

JERRY: All right we're coming down.

GEORGE: KEITH HERNANDEZ:?

JERRY: Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.

GEORGE: Where are you goin?

ELAINE: He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?

JERRY: That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.

GEORGE: What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit)

[Keith's car]

JERRY: Well that was really fun, thanks.

KEITH: Yeah, it really was.

JERRY(MIND): Should I shake his hand?

JERRY: Well, ...

KEITH: UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?

JERRY: No, I haven't.

JERRY(MIND): This weekend. WOW!

JERRY: Sure, that would be great.

JERRY(MIND): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.

JERRY: I mean, ... if you want to.

KEITH: Well, how about this Friday?

JERRY: Yeah, Friday's okay.

JERRY(MIND): Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show.

JERRY: Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]

KEITH: Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight,

JERRY: Elaine?

KEITH: Yeah. What's her story?

JERRY: Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.

KEITH: Would you mind if I gave her a call?

JERRY: For a date?

KEITH: Yeah.

JERRY: Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?

KEITH: You sure you don't mind?

JERRY: .... (silence)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: So then we went to dinner.

GEORGE: Who paid?

JERRY: We split it.

GEORGE: Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?

JERRY: Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

JERRY: Come on up.

GEORGE: So then what?

JERRY: Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.

GEORGE: Shake his hand?

JERRY: (smiling) Yeah

GEORGE: What kind of a shake does he have?

JERRY: Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there.

GEORGE: So, uh, you gonna see him again?

JERRY: He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.

GEORGE: Wow! The weekend.

JERRY: So then as I was getting out of the car, ...

ELAINE: HI

JERRY: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Sooo, how was your date?

JERRY: What date? It's a GUY.

ELAINE: So you know , ... he called me.

JERRY: Already?

GEORGE: Keith called you?

(Elaine nods)

GEORGE: He he This guy really gets around.

ELAINE: Do you mind?

JERRY: I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?

ELAINE: He asked me out for Saturday night.

JERRY: Oh, ya' going?

ELAINE: I told him I was busy.

JERRY: Ah, really.

ELAINE: So, we're going out Friday.

(long pause)

JERRY: Friday?

ELAINE: yeah.

JERRY: He's going' out with you on Friday?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: He's supposed to see ME on Friday.

ELAINE: Oh, uh, I didn't know.

JERRY: We made plans.

ELAINE: Well, uh, I'll cancel it.

JERRY: No, don't cancel it.

ELAINE: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/

JERRY: Well, frankly it is.

ELAINE: I've never seen you jealous before.

JERRY: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.

ELAINE: Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?

(long pause)

JERRY: Any Hennigans around here?

(Phone rings)

JERRY: Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around

JERRY: No. No. I don't mind at all.

ELAINE: (quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel.

JERRY: Sure, we can do something next week.

ELAINE: (quietly) I can cancel.

JERRY: No, its no problem at all.

ELAINE: (quietly) I,...

JERRY: Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey

JERRY: Hey what are you doing Friday night?

JERRY: Friday night? Nothin', ... now.

KRAMER: Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?

JERRY: Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.

KRAMER: Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it

JERRY: All right, I'll go

KRAMER: All right

(Jerry exits with garbage)

(Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment)

(phone rings)

KRAMER: Yallo. What delay industries?

ELAINE: no no , ..

GEORGE: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDELAY!

KRAMER: Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment

GEORGE: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... Vandelay Industries, ...

KRAMER: no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was?

(Jerry enters - sees George on the floor)

JERRY: And you want to be my latex salesman.

(Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor)

The End

S3E18 - The Boyfriend (2)

Broadcast date: February 12, 1992

Written By Larry David and Larry Levin

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Keith Hernandez ................ Himself

Rae Allen .............................. Mrs. (Lenore) Sokol

Carol Ann Susi .................... Carrie

Lisa Mende .......................... Carol

Roger McDowell ................ Himself

Stephen Prutting ................ Michael

Richard Assad .................... Cabbie

Melanie Good ..................... Woman

rc: Wayne Knight .............. Newman

==================================================================

[New York State department of Labor]

MRS. SOKOL: Just sign here please.

GEORGE: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers).

MRS. SOKOL: Sign that.

GEORGE: Who is this? (sees photo)

MRS. SOKOL: It's my daughta'

GEORGE: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.

MRS. SOKOL: Ya' think so?

GEORGE: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.

MRS. SOKOL: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.

GEORGE: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'… you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.

MRS. SOKOL: I'm serious.

GEORGE: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that.

MRS. SOKOL: Would you like her phone numba'?

MRS. SOKOL: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing?

MRS. SOKOL: No no no, Don't worry about it.

[Fitzpatrick's Bar]

ELAINE: So tell me more about this game SIX.

KEITH: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series.

ELAINE: ooooh ahhh

[Mike and Carol's Apartment]

KRAMER: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo

JERRY: (to baby) Hello. How are you/

CAROL: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?

JERRY: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.

CAROL: So how do you think she looks like?

KRAMER: Lyndon Johnson.

CAROL: What? Lyndon Johnson?

JERRY: He's joking.

KRAMER: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

CAROL: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"

JERRY: I was saying the same thing.

CAROL: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.

JERRY: Uh, you don't have to take a picture.

MIKE: I don't know where it is.

CAROL: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … He's such an idiot.

JERRY: Jerry, You want to pick her up?

JERRY: I better not.

KRAMER: I'll pick her up.

(The Baby cries)

[George's car]

CARRIE:Thank you for a wonderful time George.

GEORGE: Glad you enjoyed it.

CARRIE:I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.

GEORGE: … millions and millions …

CARRIE:Would you like to come up?

GEORGE: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement

CARRIE:But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed.

GEORGE: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key?

CARRIE:Will you call me as soon as you get home?

GEORGE: [pause] Tonight?

CARRIE:Yes.

GEORGE: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me

CARRIE:Well. good night.[puckers up]

[Mike and Carol's Apartment]

KRAMER: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.

[Keith's car]

ELAINE: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.

KEITH: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night?

ELAINE: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?

ELAINE: I love Cajun cooking.

KEITH: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.

ELAINE: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha

KEITH: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit.

ELAINE: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.

KEITH: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to.

ELAINE: [mind] This is getting awkward.

KEITH: Well, goodnight

ELAINE: Good night

(they kiss - REALLY KISS)

ELAINE: [mind] Who does this guy think he is?

KEITH: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez.

[Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE: Uh, who else? … Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?

JERRY: I don't know him. I know who he is.

ELAINE: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit …

JERRY: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?

ELAINE: Nuthin'. Then he took me home.

JERRY: So, did you two, uh, … have uh, …

ELAINE: What?!

JERRY: … You know

ELAINE: Milk?

JERRY: No!

ELAINE: Cookies?

JERRY: Did he kiss you good night?

ELAINE: I dunno.

JERRY: What do you mean you don't know?

ELAINE: All right. He kissed me. Okay?

JERRY: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?

ELAINE: Between a peck and a make out.

JERRY: So, you like him.

ELAINE: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?

JERRY: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.

(phone rings)

JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.

ELAINE: Who was that?

JERRY: That was Keith.

ELAINE: What's going on?

JERRY: He wants me to help him move.

ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?

JERRY: You know, furniture.

ELAINE: So, what did you say?

JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.

ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for,…

JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: What's going on?

JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.

KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?

JERRY: … I said yes.

KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?

JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..

KRAMER: yeah yeah

JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favour .

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.

KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]

[George's car]

GEORGE: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home.

CARRIE: Don't bottha

GEORGE: Bother, wa', what kind of bother?

CARRIE: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.

GEORGE: Why? Is there anything wrong?

CARRIE: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.

GEORGE: Why?

CARRIE: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman.

GEORGE: I went to the hardware store interview.

CARRIE: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?

GEORGE: I thought were a team.

CARRIE: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car)

GEORGE: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother?

[Fitzpatrick's Bar]

KRAMER: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves.

ELAINE: (chuckles)

KRAMER: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.

ELAINE: Ha, I didn't mention it.

KRAMER: Well I won them anyway.

ELAINE: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.

KRAMER: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.

ELAINE: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.

KRAMER: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.

ELAINE: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?

KRAMER: Funny.

[Keith takes out a cigarette]

ELAINE: What are you doing?

KRAMER: What's that?

ELAINE: You smoke?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: I didn't know you SMOKED.

KRAMER: Is that a problem?

ELAINE: Uh, …

[Monks]

JERRY: She likes him I mean she really likes him.

GEORGE: How do you kn ow?

JERRY: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.

GEORGE: I suppose he's an attractive man, I , …

JERRY: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.

GEORGE: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?

JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.

GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?

JERRY: I don't know … six three.

GEORGE: Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.

JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.

GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan?

JERRY: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on.

GEORGE: Who do you like?

GEORGE: I like DeSoto.

JERRY: DeSoto? What did he do?

GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi.

JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

GEORGE: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?

JERRY: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.

GEORGE: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.

JERRY: I know isn't that something?

KRAMER: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?

JERRY: I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something.

GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..

JERRY: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!

[New York State Department of lab or]

GEORGE: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her.

MRS. SOKOL: Sign here please.

GEORGE: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her.

MRS. SOKOL: All right just sign it. People are waiting.

GEORGE: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]

MRS. SOKOL: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year.

GEORGE: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.

MRS. SOKOL: You know Keith Hernandez.

GEORGE: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?

MRS. SOKOL: Oh, come on. Come on.

GEORGE: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.

MRS. SOKOL: All right. You got ONE hour.

GEORGE: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back.

(George slowly leave the office then takes off down the hallway)

[Same phone booth as part one]

(George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab)

GEORGE: 129 west 81st street and hurry.

(same cabby as part one; stares at him)

GEORGE: Goodbye (exits cab)

[Jerry's Apartment]

KEITH: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.

JERRY: Is there a box spring?

KEITH: What's that?

JERRY: Is there a box spring?

KEITH: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch.

JERRY: Is that a sectional?

KEITH: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> …coffee table.

JERRY: Is that a thick marble?

[… Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye

contact and break up]

KEITH: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs.

JERRY: STAIRS??? There's no elevator?

KEITH: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.

JERRY: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.

(Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)

KRAMER: Hello.

KEITH: Hello.

KRAMER: Oh, you don't remember me.

KEITH: No should I [continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game]

KRAMER: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.

(Newman enters)

NEWMAN: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.

KEITH: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."

KRAMER: Ah, you remember.

NEWMAN: And then you spit on us.

KEITH: Hey, I didn't spit at you.

NEWMAN: Oh, yeah, right.

KRAMER: No no no, well, then who was it?

KEITH: Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. … Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.

JERRY: I told you!

NEWMAN: Wow, it was McDowell.

JERRY: But why? Why McDowell?

KRAMER: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.

NEWMAN: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.

NEWMAN: It was McDowell.

KRAMER: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.

NEWMAN: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.

KEITH: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going.

KRAMER: Wait, uh what are ya' doing?

KEITH: I gotta move.

KRAMER: Want any help?

KEITH: I'd love some.

KRAMER: I'd love to help you move.

NEWMAN: Me too.

KEITH: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby.

KRAMER: No sweat.

(Kramer and Newman exit)

(phone rings)

JERRY: Hello, … oh hi Elaine .. what's going on … no he just left … you broke up with him? … ME TOO .. what happened? … oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope … me … nah … I couldn't go through with it … I just didn't feel ready … so what are you doing now? … Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.

(George frantically enters)

GEORGE: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?

JERRY: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?

GEORGE: (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend … the guy from the locker room, … I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.

(sits down)

JERRY: Well Biff/ What's next?

GEORGE: I don't know.

(Tall girl enters)

TALL GIRL: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.

[Ending Monologue]

When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.

The End

S3E19 - The Limo

Broadcast date: February 26, 1992

Written By Larry Charles / Story By Marc Jaffe

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Peter Krause ....................... Tim

Suzanne Snyder ................. Eva

Jeremy Roberts  ................ Chauffeur

Jodi Baskerville  ................. Herself

I.M. Hobson  ...................... Businessman

Harley Venton  ................. Dan

Adam Leslie  ...................... Man at Protest

Norman Brenner  ............. Man at Airport

Aaron Kanarek  ................ Protester #1

Ray Glanzmann  ............... Protester #2

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals, the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna.

[George is at the airport]

GEORGE: It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?

(The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the other side.)

GEORGE: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

MAN: There's a clock over there.

GEORGE: Where?

MAN: (pointing) There.

GEORGE: But you have a watch on.

MAN: It's right by the escalator.

GEORGE: Why don't you just look at your watch?

MAN: I told you, it's right over there.

GEORGE: Let me see the watch.

(George grabs the man's wrist.)

MAN: Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?!

GEORGE: You know we're living in a society!

(Jerry walks up from the ramp.)

JERRY: George.

GEORGE: Jerry. Jerry.

JERRY: Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?

GEORGE: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.

JERRY: Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.

GEORGE: One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.

JERRY: So you have no car?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: So what good are you?

Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says O'BRIEN

JERRY: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up.

GEORGE: How do you know?

JERRY: He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.

GEORGE: We should take his limo.

JERRY: Yeah, right.

GEORGE: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.

JERRY: He's definitely in Chicago.

GEORGE: Well the guy's just standing there.

JERRY: How would we do it?

GEORGE: We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien."

JERRY: Maybe he knows O'Brien?

GEORGE: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.

JERRY: What if we get caught?

GEORGE: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.

JERRY: Who's gonna be O'Brien?

GEORGE: I'll be O'Brien.

JERRY: Who am I?

GEORGE: You're you.

JERRY: Just me?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Okay.

GEORGE: What, you don't want to be you?

JERRY: Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?

GEORGE: Like who?

JERRY: Dylan Murphy.

(George mumbles something.)

JERRY: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?

GEORGE: Well I like Dylan.

JERRY: You could be Colin.

GEORGE: Colin O'Brien.

JERRY: I'm Dylan Murphy.

GEORGE: I'm Colin O'Brien.

(They walk towards the chauffeur.)

GEORGE: Are we really doing this?

JERRY: Come on,

MAN: (to George) Hey, do you have the time?

GEORGE: Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.

CHAUFFEUR: Yes sir.

GEORGE: Sorry we're late.

CHAUFFEUR: Here let me take that for you.

GEORGE: Oh thank you.

CHAUFFEUR: I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front.

GEORGE: Thank you very much. Dylan?

JERRY: Colin?

[George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with excitement.]

GEORGE: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm never telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!

JERRY: She happy for you?

GEORGE: Can he hear us?

JERRY: No. Why?

GEORGE: I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.

JERRY: He can't hear us.

GEORGE: Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.

JERRY: Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house?

GEORGE: We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?

CHAUFFEUR: Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes.

GEORGE: Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan!

JERRY: We're going to the Knick game!

GEORGE: Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!

JERRY: I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one!

GEORGE: You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things?

JERRY: Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.

GEORGE: If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?'

JERRY: Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.

CHAUFFEUR: I know.

Jerry and GEORGE: He knows?

GEORGE: Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here?

JERRY: Maybe it's a shortcut.

GEORGE: We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.

JERRY: (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?

CHAUFFEUR: Pick up the other members of your party.

GEORGE: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.

JERRY: It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig.

GEORGE: It was a good jig.

JERRY: It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.

GEORGE: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.

JERRY: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.

GEORGE: Well you should have been O'Brien.

JERRY: I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy?

GEORGE: Yes, you have to be Murphy.

JERRY: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.

GEORGE: You're Murphy!

JERRY: I'm Seinfeld!

GEORGE: You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.

JERRY: We're doing sixty miles an hour!

GEORGE: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.

JERRY: Who are you, Mannix?

GEORGE: We're slowing down. Are those the people?

JERRY: Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping.

(The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva), get in.)

WOMAN: (reaches out to Jerry) Mr. O'Brien?

JERRY: No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping.

EVA: (whispering) Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter.

JERRY: Newsletter?

TIM: And of course, his great book, "The Game".

JERRY: Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?

EVA: No.

JERRY: Never seen a picture of him?

EVA: Never.

JERRY: Not even on the book jacket?

EVA: There was no picture on the book jacket.

JERRY: (nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up.

GEORGE: Hello. I'm O'Brien.

[Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner.]

KRAMER: Hey!

ELAINE: Hey!

KRAMER: What, you took a cab?

ELAINE: Yeah? So?

KRAMER: How much do you make?

ELAINE: I'm not telling you.

KRAMER: C'mon.

ELAINE: No!

KRAMER: I'll tell you how much I make.

ELAINE: I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball.

KRAMER: You ever seen Michael Jordan?

ELAINE: Just in those commercials.

KRAMER: Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks.

ELAINE: What's that?

KRAMER: Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me.

ELAINE: Huh?

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a bunch of garbage cans.)

[Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo.]

JERRY: (checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.

TIM: You think someone's been tipped off?

GEORGE: So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you?

EVA: (fawning) Yes I've read it and I've memorized it.

GEORGE: Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game".

EVA: Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man.

GEORGE: Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids.

TIM: Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game.

GEORGE: Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect.

JERRY: He tends to exaggerate.

GEORGE: Okay, I mean it's serious but--

EVA: We are really looking forward to your speech tonight.

GEORGE: Uh, my speech?

EVA: Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over?

JERRY: Well you might as well look it over.

[Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner.]

KRAMER: So what's going on, how did all this happen?

ELAINE: Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.

KRAMER: Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.

ELAINE: He did.

KRAMER: Well then why would they take a limo from the airport?

ELAINE: I don't know.

KRAMER: That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else?

ELAINE: Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.

KRAMER: O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien?

[Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech.]

GEORGE: ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.

JERRY: You're not going to open with that, are you?

EVA: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?

GEORGE: I said so many things.

(Suddenly they hear a loud bang.)

GEORGE: They're shooting! They're shooting!

TIM: (pulling out a gun) Alright, get down!

(The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look around, Eva has fallen on top of George.)

EVA. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you.

GEORGE: That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you.

EVA: But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything.

(Tim returns.)

TIM: Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up.

Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and starts handling it sensually.

JERRY: Nice looking Lugar.

{Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.}

JODI: I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio.

[Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner.]

KRAMER: Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?

(A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of them recognized Elaine.)

DAN: Elaine?

ELAINE: Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?

DAN: Good.

ELAINE: Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.

DAN: Oh, Kramer?

(They shake hands.)

ELAINE: What's going on?

DAN: Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come.

ELAINE: Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game.

DAN: Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door.

ELAINE: Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.

DAN: Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like.

KRAMER: Who?

DAN: The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.

[Cut back to the limo.]

(Jerry and George are alone inside.)

JERRY: What's taking him so long out there?

GEORGE: Didja see the way she was looking at me?

JERRY: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!

GEORGE: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.

JERRY: Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: Let's just make a run for it.

GEORGE: I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.

JERRY: How'd that happen?

GEORGE: I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.

JERRY: I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that.

GEORGE: For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police.

(George grabs the phone and dials.)

GEORGE: 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--

(Tim re-enters the limo.)

GEORGE: --Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.

TIM: We'll be ready in a minute.

GEORGE: Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something.

TIM: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.

GEORGE: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?

TIM: You are.

GEORGE: And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again?

TIM: You are.

GEORGE: Good. I think you forgot something.

TIM: I'm sorry.

GEORGE: Good. Now get out.

(Tim leaves.)

GEORGE: Okay, what are we gonna do?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city.

JERRY: Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.

[Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner.]

KRAMER: I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it.

ELAINE: I'm sure he was just joking around.

KRAMER: Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes!

ELAINE: What is it?

KRAMER: Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!

ELAINE: Jerry's a nazi?!

KRAMER: I can't believe I didn't see it.

ELAINE: Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi.

KRAMER: You don't think so.

ELAINE: No, he's just neat.

[Cut back to the limo]

TIM: You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien.

GEORGE: Me??

(George and Jerry laugh nervously.)

TIM: And you really don't look like a Murphy.

JERRY: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.

GEORGE: He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault.

TIM: Where are you from?

JERRY: Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.

TIM: Sounds more like Scottish.

JERRY: We were right on the border.

[Cut back to the street corner]

KRAMER: Maybe he's with the company.

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.

ELAINE: What about his comedy act?

KRAMER: That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.

ELAINE: What about George?

KRAMER: What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy!

ELAINE: I'll bet they were even in on it.

KRAMER: Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.

ELAINE: Kramer, you're hurting me!

[Quick cut to the now approaching limo.]

GEORGE: Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over.

ELAINE: Get off of me!!

(The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out.)

KRAMER: O'Brien.

(This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at a nearby bus stop.)

MAN #1: O'Brien? Is that him?

MAN #2: Yeah, that's him.

MAN #3: Look there's O'Brien!

MAN #4: Filthy nazi bastard!

ALL FOUR MEN: Let's get him!!

(They begin running full speed towards the gang.)

GEORGE: What do I do?! What do I do?!

JERRY: Get in the car! Get in the car!

(George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which speeds off.)

KRAMER: (pointing to Jerry) O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy?

TIM: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?

JERRY: No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.

ELAINE: It could be very confusing.

(The limo phone rings Kramer answers it.)

KRAMER: Yeah? Eva?

EVA: It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien.

KRAMER: O'Brien? Well that's weird.

EVA: (gun drawn) Who are you?

(George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's car broke down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport.)

[Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.]

JODI: A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.

[Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation, none of the three are intelligible at this point.]

JODI: They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance.

Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated and less understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva are becoming unnerved.

EVA: Get out!!

ELAINE: Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan!

DAN: Elaine?

ELAINE: Hey!

[Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'.]

GEORGE: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!

[Closing monologue]

So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices they had like this casual heil, remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah, heil, how are ya, is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished with the copier? Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, heil, nice to see ya, can I have one of those donuts?

The End

S3E20 - The Good Samaritan

Broadcast date: March 4, 1992

Written By Peter Mehlman

Directed By Jason Alexander

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Melinda McGraw ................ Angela

Ann Talman ........................ Robin

Joseph Malone .................... Michael

Helen Slater ......................... Becky Gelke (uncredited)

==================================================================

[Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at home in her bed]

ELAINE: You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?

JERRY: It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.

(Driver cuts in front of Jerry)

JERRY: Oh look at this guy.

ELAINE: What's goin' on?

JERRY: Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.

ELAINE: Did you get a thank you wave?

JERRY: No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave?

(Jerry sticks his head out the window)

JERRY: Give me that wave!

ELAINE: Jerry, are you free on Friday?

JERRY: Yeah, I'm free, why?

ELAINE: Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.

JERRY: Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!

ELAINE: You gotta follow that car!

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: You can't let him get away with that!

JERRY: Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.

ELAINE: What are you, yellow?

JERRY: I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)

ELAINE: Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.

JERRY: Wait, he stopped, he's parking.

ELAINE: What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?

[Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront other driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman]

JERRY: Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering.

(They both smile flirtatiously at each other)

[Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are talking by the table]

JERRY: So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.

GEORGE: Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.

JERRY: You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm.

(Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate)

JERRY: He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh)

GEORGE: I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that?

JERRY: Let's not even analyze it.

(Jerry begins walking towards door)

GEORGE: So you didn't turn her in?

JERRY: I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it.

GEORGE: Gonna see her again?

JERRY: Friday night.

(Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button)

JERRY: Yep.

ELAINE: It's me!

JERRY: Come on up.

(Jerry unlocks and opens door)

JERRY: By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! I dig.

(George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups)

JERRY: Oh, you dig?

GEORGE: Yes! I see enormous potential here.

JERRY: Why?

(George pours two cups of milk)

GEORGE: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.

JERRY: I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.

GEORGE: I don't think so.

JERRY: Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!

(Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent)

JERRY: On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!

(Jerry looks at his cup in disgust)

JERRY: What am I drinking, milk?

(Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket)

ELAINE: Hey!

JERRY: Hi.

(Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry)

ELAINE: Sweater.

JERRY: Thank you.

ELAINE: So? What happened?

(Jerry starts walking away)

JERRY: With that?

ELAINE: With the car!

JERRY: What car?

ELAINE: The hit and run!

JERRY: Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.

ELAINE: Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?

JERRY: Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand)

(George walks out of the kitchen)

GEORGE: Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah, Queens.

ELAINE: So? Then what?

JERRY: So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"

(Elaine gasps)

JERRY: So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."

(Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement)

ELAINE: I am speechless. I am without speech.

GEORGE: Tell her about the shoving.

JERRY: What?

(George smiles pointing at him)

ELAINE: What shoving?!

JERRY: Oh, it was nothing.

GEORGE: No! Tell her.

(Jerry looks at George with a grin)

JERRY: Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)

ELAINE: You know karate??

JERRY: I know a little.

ELAINE: Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do?

JERRY: He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey! (Group does likewise)

ELAINE: Did you tell Kramer?

JERRY: Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away)

KRAMER: What? What? What? Tell me.

ELAINE: Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him.

(Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling)

KRAMER: Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry)

KRAMER: They should be sent to Australia.

(Jerry has a confused look)

JERRY: Australia?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.

JERRY: But not anymore.

KRAMER: No.

(Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer)

ELAINE: Hey Kramer, Kramer!

KRAMER: Yeah?

ELAINE: What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead)

KRAMER: I don't know!

(Jerry smiles and shakes his head)

KRAMER: You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table.

(Elaine has a look of surprise)

ELAINE: Well, that is, that is strange.

KRAMER: Yep. (Mumbles off)

(Elaine walks toward door)

ELAINE: Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?

JERRY: Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date.

(Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry)

ELAINE: But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed)

JERRY: We just met.

(Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger)

KRAMER: Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.

ELAINE: But I, I can't go alone!

JERRY: Ask George to go with you.

ELAINE: George, come on! I'll pay for you.

GEORGE: You'll pay? I'm there.

JERRY: Why do you even need anybody?

ELAINE: Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave)

[Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married couple,]

Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused on eating his meal)

ROBIN: You went out with a bullfighter?

ELAINE: Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.

MICHAEL: Wow.

ROBIN: What was his name?

ELAINE: His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio.

(George points across the table)

GEORGE: Pass the salt please.

ROBIN: Where did you meet him?

ELAINE: Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull.

(Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread)

GEORGE: Bread.

(Elaine hands bread to George)

ELAINE: I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.

(Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and looks at Michael)

GEORGE: God bless you.

(Robin smiles)

ROBIN: Thank you.

GEORGE: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)

(Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George)

[Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman are both eating an ice cream cones]

WOMAN: You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn.

JERRY: Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note.

WOMAN: Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?

JERRY: Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.

(Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling)

WOMAN: Come here. (moves in for a kiss)

[Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed between Michael and George]

GEORGE: Really, I was, I was only kidding around.

ROBIN: He was only joking Michael.

(Michael throws down his serviette)

MICHAEL: You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'?

GEORGE: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

ROBIN: He was only joking Michael! Sorry.

MICHAEL: All right! Take his side!

ROBIN: I am not taking his side.

MICHAEL: Well who's side are you taking?!

ROBIN: Well I'm not taking your side!

(Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is his)

[Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run woman are now kissing]

JERRY: Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize.

(Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again)

[Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment with George talking outside Jerry's room]

GEORGE: I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

JERRY: The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

(George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button)

ELAINE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

(Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen)

GEORGE: Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

JERRY: No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

GEORGE: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

JERRY: What if she's having an off night?

(Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa)

ELAINE: Hi!

JERRY: Hi.

(Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen)

ELAINE: Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!

(George walks out of kitchen)

GEORGE: Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'.

(Jerry sneezes)

GEORGE: Ah, shut up.

ELAINE: What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.

(Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa)

JERRY: A stupid what?

(Elaine looks at Jerry)

ELAINE: Whatever.

JERRY: You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''.

(Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes)

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her.

GEORGE: Who?

ELAINE: Robin!

(George looks quickly at Elaine)

GEORGE: Why?!

ELAINE: Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me.

(George stands up)

JERRY: Entertainment Tonight's on.

GEORGE: Where's the remote phone?

JERRY: Bedroom.

(George walks toward Jerry's bedroom)

ELAINE: Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?

(Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and Elaine, then walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice of Mary Hart starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the sofa.)

JERRY: What's it like out?

(Kramer continues to shake behind sofa)

ELAINE: Chilly out.

JERRY: Can I take a sweater?

ELAINE: Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.

JERRY: Scarf?

ELAINE: Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.

(Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes)

JERRY: What's the matter? What's going on?

(Kramer is looking around like he's lost)

KRAMER: What happened?!

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: I think I hit my head again!

JERRY: What is wrong?!

(Elaine is pointing at the TV)

ELAINE: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Elaine claps her hands together then stands up)

ELAINE: That is it!

KRAMER: What?

(Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him)

ELAINE: That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany!

(George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits down)

KRAMER: Mary Hart!

GEORGE: God.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.

JERRY: Get together?

GEORGE: Maybe she just wants to talk to me?

ELAINE: Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs.

(George walks to other side of sofa)

GEORGE: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

(George sits on chair)

ELAINE: Are you actually considering this?

GEORGE: I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable!

ELAINE: Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.

(Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable)

JERRY: Yeah.

(Kramer walks out of washroom)

KRAMER: Hey, you know who owns that car?

JERRY: What car?

KRAMER: The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.

JERRY: Yeah who?

KRAMER: That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.

(Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen)

JERRY: The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her.

(Elaine nods, smiling)

ELAINE: Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants.

(Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows)

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh?

(Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very excited)

JERRY: The blond with the blue sweatpants!

GEORGE: Well, who is she?

JERRY: I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.

GEORGE: Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.

(Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine)

JERRY: Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!

(Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other)

GEORGE: You can't compromise your principles!

JERRY: How am I going to live with myself?!

GEORGE: Can't live!

JERRY: I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!

GEORGE: This country needs more people like you!

JERRY: Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk.

GEORGE: I believe strongly in that as you know.

JERRY: There should be more people like us.

GEORGE: That's why the world's in the shape it's in.

JERRY: You're telling me.

(Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading their magazines)

[Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking to the girl with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door]

JERRY: Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that.

(Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling)

BECKY: Well God bless you.

(Jerry pauses)

JERRY: Thank you very much.

[Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are together in bed]

GEORGE: Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?

ROBIN: Oh no, what's wrong?

GEORGE: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!

ROBIN: You didn't commit adultery, I did.

GEORGE: Oh yeah.

ROBIN: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.

GEORGE: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there.

ROBIN: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'.

GEORGE: Well, that's a given.

ROBIN: In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'.

GEORGE: Must be hell living in that house.

[Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the phone to Michael]

MICHAEL: Hi, it's Michael.

ELAINE: Hi, Michael!

MICHAEL: Is Robin there?

ELAINE: Robin? No, why?

MICHAEL: Uh, she said she was going to be with you.

ELAINE: No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.

(Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone)

MICHAEL: If she's not with you, then where is she?

ELAINE: Well I, I don't know.

MICHAEL: Is she with your bald friend from the other night?!

ELAINE: No, no, come on Michael!

MICHAEL: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!

(Michael sneezes)

ELAINE: You're soo good lookin'.

[Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela are talking by the sofa]

ANGELA: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!

JERRY: Let me rephra-

ANGELA: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!

(Elaine walks in)

JERRY: Hi Elaine, this is Angela.

ANGELA: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!

(Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen)

JERRY: Well I think I get the gist of it.

ANGELA: So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car!

(Jerry shrugs)

JERRY: What car?

(Jerry hands Angela her purse)

ANGELA: Good. I'm glad we understand each other.

JERRY: It's not complicated.

(Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves)

ELAINE: Very nice meeting you!

(Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry)

ELAINE: Come on up.

(Elaine laughs)

ELAINE: Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right.

JERRY: Alright Elaine.

ELAINE: No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city!

JERRY: It was just a couple of blocks.

(Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter)

ELAINE: Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!

(George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward him, Jerry goes to washroom)

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: Oh, did you check you machine?

(George takes glass from cupboard)

GEORGE: No, why, what's happening?

ELAINE: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.

GEORGE: Yeah, okay.

ELAINE: And I said I hadn't seen her.

GEORGE: What?!

ELAINE: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.

GEORGE: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!

ELAINE: He said he was going to sew your ass to your face.

GEORGE: What? Why couldn't you think of something?!

ELAINE: Well I don't know, he caught me off guard!

GEORGE: You lie! How hard is it to lie?!

(Jerry walks back from washroom)

JERRY: It's not that hard.

(Elaine points finger at George)

ELAINE: Well who told you to sleep with her George?!

GEORGE: It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!

ELAINE: Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'!

GEORGE: Oh don't-

(Jerry raises his arms)

JERRY: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?

GEORGE: She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.

JERRY: A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?

ELAINE: Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.

(Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador)

JERRY: Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza!

[Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to her outside her door)

JERRY: Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage.

BECKY: Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875.

JERRY: $875?

BECKY: That's right.

JERRY: Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back.

(Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing)

JERRY: Um, who do I make it out to?

BECKY: Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.

JERRY: So, what are you doing this weekend?

(Jerry hands check to Becky)

BECKY: You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date?

JERRY: I didn't do it!

BECKY: Yeah righ-

(Becky sneezes)

JERRY: You are soo good lookin'.

(Becky closes door)

BECKY: Thank you.

[Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in bedroom and George is looking out window]

GEORGE: Jerry, let's go! You ready?

(Jerry walks out of bedroom)

JERRY: You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!

GEORGE: Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.

JERRY: Alright!

(George put his bag over his shoulder)

GEORGE: Come on let's get out of here.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: How could you?

JERRY: What?!

KRAMER: Man! I never thought you were capable of this!

JERRY: What did I do?

KRAMER: I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.

JERRY: I-

KRAMER: I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.

JERRY: I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!

KRAMER: Now you're not going to lie to me, are you?

(Jerry is putting on sweater)

JERRY: No, never.

KRAMER: Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her.

JERRY: You got a date with Becky Gelke?!

KRAMER: Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.

GEORGE: Jerry, can we get out of here?!

KRAMER: As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.

JERRY: Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.

(Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands)

[Scene moves to outside Becky's apartment. Kramer is walking toward her door, hair slicked back, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He knocks on her door, she opens. Mary Hart's voice is playing on the TV in the distance. Kramer starts having a violent seizure.]

The End

S3E21 - The Letter

Broadcast date: March 25, 1992

Written By Larry David

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Catherine Keener .............. Nina

Richard Venture ................. Leonard West

Elliott Reid ........................... Mr. Armstrong

Justine Johnston ................. Mrs. Armstrong

Shashawnee Hall ................ Usher

rc: Richard Fancy ................ Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[ACT 1]

(Nina’s art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry’s current girlfriend.)

NINA: (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can’t do this if you keep moving.

KRAMER: You sure you don’t want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I’ll do it!

NINA: No, that’s the last thing in the world I want you to do.

KRAMER: Well, why don’t you take your clothes off?

NINA: I don’t know... I don’t think Jerry would like that.

KRAMER: (debonair smile) Well, it’d be our little secret.

[CUT TO: Jerry’s apartment]

GEORGE: (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!

JERRY: I like the button fly.

GEORGE: (incredulous) What?

JERRY: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It’s like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?

GEORGE: Nothing.

JERRY: I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings?

GEORGE: I don’t get art.

JERRY: There’s nothing to get.

GEORGE: Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

JERRY: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.

GEORGE: What for?

JERRY: She sees something in him.

GEORGE: So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.

[CUT TO: Nina's studio again--same scene]

KRAMER: Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.

NINA: Tell me about Elaine.

KRAMER: She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.

NINA: But, they're still friends.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).

NINA: Don't you think that's strange?

KRAMER: Why, what's the difference?

NINA: Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?

KRAMER: Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.

[CUT TO: the door outside Nina's studio]

GEORGE: You know, I'm a little nervous.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship.

JERRY: I don't know how long this is gonna last.

GEORGE: Really? I thought you liked her.

JERRY: I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)

GEORGE: You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?

(Nina opens the door)

JERRY: Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George.

NINA: How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods)

JERRY: (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!

KRAMER: Yeah!

JERRY: (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.

NINA: Oh, are you interested?

GEORGE: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested.

KRAMER: George, you gonna buy a painting?

GEORGE: (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.

NINA: Are you an art-lover?

GEORGE: I am an art-adorer! I adore art.

NINA: Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)

JERRY: May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting)

NINA: (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands Jerry a small white envelope)

JERRY: What's this?

NINA: My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.

JERRY: (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town.

NINA: Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em?

KRAMER: (immediately) Yeah.

JERRY: They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!

GEORGE: Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?

NINA: Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box.

GEORGE: All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout!

NINA: (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look-ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?

[CUT TO: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead to their seats]

GEORGE: Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?

USHER: No, no, these are your seats.

GEORGE: She said first row! Right behind the dugout!

ELAINE: Well, it's the second row. It's just as good.

GEORGE: I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up on the dugout!

ELAINE: Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this.

GEORGE: Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better.

KRAMER: Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!

ELAINE: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.

GEORGE: (amused) You're supposed to do that?

ELAINE: (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?

GEORGE: I'd rather go to a hanging.

ELAINE: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)

KRAMER: (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT,

JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!

(a man approaches the trio)

MAN: George?

GEORGE: Yeah?

MAN: Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.

GEORGE: Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--

ELAINE: Hi!

KRAMER: (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!

GEORGE: --and this is Kramer.

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)

WEST: So how are the seats?

GEORGE: Okay.

ELAINE: Great, great.

KRAMER: Yeah.

WEST: George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings.

GEORGE: Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?

WEST: Well, if you have a lot of money.

(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)

WEST: (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think you better take off that Orioles cap.

ELAINE: (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!

WEST: No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't think it's a good idea.

ELAINE: You're not serious.

WEST: Yes, yes, yes, I am!

ELAINE: Well, did he say that?

WEST: No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap.

ELAINE: Well maybe you should ask him!

WEST: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not?

ELAINE: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!!

GEORGE: Just take the cap off.

ELAINE: George, we are at a baseball game! This is America!

WEST: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.

ELAINE: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.

GEORGE: Just take the cap off!

ELAINE: No!

(a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking off

GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security over, they proceed to remove Elaine)

KRAMER: Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here!

GEORGE: (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?

KRAMER: (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.

ELAINE: (sarcastically, to George) Stay!

GEORGE: Okay, we'll go!

(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's cap... the camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where Kramer is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto the crowd)

[END OF ACT 1]

[ACT 2]

(Jerry's apartment--day)

ELAINE: ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing!

JERRY: Is he okay?

ELAINE: Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!

JERRY: This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!

ELAINE: I know! Can you imagine that?

(Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)

JERRY: How you feeling?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture.

ELAINE: Wha- a picture?

KRAMER: A picture.

ELAINE: OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??

KRAMER: Uh-huh.

(they all crowd around, looking at the picture)

ELAINE: (gasps) I cannot believe this!

JERRY: (pointing) There's George!

KRAMER: Yup, yup!

ELAINE: Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper!

[CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.]

ELAINE: Hi, Mr. Lippman.

LIPPMAN:How's your father?

ELAINE: My, my father?

LIPPMAN:Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?

ELAINE: Yeah.

LIPPMAN:Uh-huh.

ELAINE: I went to visit him.

LIPPMAN:Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?

ELAINE: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...

LIPPMAN:But--but he's feeling better now?

ELAINE: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits.

LIPPMAN:(correcting her) Boo-eed.

ELAINE: What--what did I say?

LIPPMAN:You said "boyed."

ELAINE: I did?

LIPPMAN:Yeah.

(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly removes Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver it into her lap, out of sight.)

LIPPMAN:Well, I got a plane to catch.

ELAINE: Oh! Where are you going?

LIPPMAN:Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have my sports section?

ELAINE: Ah. ...Yeah.

LIPPMAN:I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports section.

ELAINE: There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...

LIPPMAN:Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?

ELAINE: Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)

LIPPMAN:Gotta go.

ELAINE: Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!

[CUT TO: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer."]

MRS.ARM:I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world.

MR. ARM:I see a parasite.

MRS.ARM:A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.

[CUT TO: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.]

NINA: She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off.

JERRY: It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?

[CUT TO: Armstrongs admiring painting again.]

MRS.ARM:He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit!

MR. ARM:He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.

[CUT TO: Jerry and Nina again.]

JERRY: Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other.

NINA: Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends!

JERRY: Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with!

NINA: Hey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to George. Tell him he owes me $500!

[CUT TO: Armstrongs]

MRS.ARM:He transcends time and space.

MR. ARM:He sickens me.

MRS.ARM:I love it.

MR. ARM:Me too.

[CUT TO: Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: Five-hundred dollars?! What?

JERRY: That's what she told me!

GEORGE: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!

JERRY: That's what it costs!

GEORGE: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!

JERRY: I wasn't thinking! I don't know.

GEORGE: You weren't thinking.

JERRY: Well, she framed it and everything.

GEORGE: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?

JERRY: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing!

GEORGE: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.

KRAMER: (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door.

GEORGE: Hey, Kramer.

KRAMER: Hi, Mike.

JERRY: (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!

KRAMER: (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen!

JERRY: (reading note) Oh my god!

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: This is amazing, you can't believe this!

GEORGE: What's it say?

JERRY: Listen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."

GEORGE: WOW!

KRAMER: (emotionally) She's deep.

JERRY: (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"

(Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting for you!"

KRAMER: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!

JERRY: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her!

KRAMER: (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!

JERRY: Should I?

KRAMER: (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!

JERRY: ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.

[CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her coat. The TV is on a horse race.]

JERRY: SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah?

GEORGE: (on intercom) It's George.

JERRY: Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse.

NINA: What's the appeal of the posse?

JERRY: The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.

(George enters)

NINA: Hello, George.

GEORGE: Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?

NINA: Well, I really love that piece.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.

NINA: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it!

GEORGE: This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should really be in a doormanned building.

NINA: Honestly, George, the money's not important.

GEORGE: Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (on intercom) It's Elaine.

JERRY: Come on up.

NINA: Elaine?

JERRY: ...Yeah.

NINA: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she?

JERRY: She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too.

GEORGE: I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: How 'bout Kramer.

JERRY: HUGE pop-in guy!

NINA: Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow?

JERRY: Yeah.

NINA: Okay.

JERRY: Okay!

NINA: Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.)

ELAINE: (to Nina) Hello!

(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)

ELAINE: (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired!

JERRY: If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!

ELAINE: No, he wants to torture me.

[CUT TO: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV.Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.]

ELAINE: (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)

JERRY: (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.

ELAINE: You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.

(another tug-o-war starts)

JERRY: Let go!

ELAINE: No, come on! I want it, Jerry!

JERRY: Let go, Elaine!

ELAINE: Well at least let George do it!

JERRY: Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)

GEORGE: (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.

(George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing Neil Simon's Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes the station)

JERRY: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer)

ELAINE: It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.

JERRY: (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!

ELAINE: What letter?

JERRY: This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!

(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, and starts reading in unison with movie on TV.)

JERRY: "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!"

GEORGE: This is incredible!

JERRY: I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!

GEORGE: Maybe I won't send her that check.

ELAINE: You know, it's not really that terrible.

JERRY: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness!

[CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room]

LIPPMAN:(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat) But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?

ELAINE: Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore.

LIPPMAN:Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?

ELAINE: Well, uh, fan. My father--

LIPPMAN:Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene!

ELAINE: Really?

LIPPMAN:Yeah.

ELAINE: So... impudent.

LIPPMAN:Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.

ELAINE: (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li--

LIPPMAN:Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game.

ELAINE: (very reluctant) Okay.

LIPPMAN:Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him.

ELAINE: That will be fun.

[CUT TO: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.]

JERRY: How's it coming?

NINA: Good, good.

JERRY: Seen any good movies lately?

NINA: No... not really. You?

JERRY: No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon?

NINA: Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.

JERRY: I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?

NINA: I don't know... maybe.

JERRY: I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...)

MR. ARM:Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer."

[CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball game and talking.]

GEORGE: Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs)

JERRY: Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!

GEORGE: So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?

JERRY: Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house?

GEORGE: Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks.

(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)

TVVOICE: Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yankee dugout.

GEORGE: Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day.

TVVOICE: Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."

(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)

[CUT TO: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having Kramer over for dinner.]

KRAMER: ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.

MRS.ARM: More potatoes?

KRAMER: Yeah, sure. Please.

MR. ARM:Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?

KRAMER: Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.

END OF ACT 2

The End

S3E22 - The Parking Space

Broadcast date: April 22, 1992

Written by: Larry David and Greg Daniels

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lee Arenberg ...................... Mike Moffit

Jay Brooks ........................... Sid

Maryedith Burrell ............... Maryedith

Shannon Cochran .............. Sheila

Zachary Charles ................. Angry Man

Michael A. Costanza .......... Truck Driver

Mik Scriba ............................ Cop #1

Stan Sellers ........................... Cop #2

John Christian Graas .......... Matthew

Peggy Lane O'Rourke ........ Bystander #1

Steven Marcus Gibbs .......... Bystander #2

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."

[Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.

JERRY: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.

JERRY: Oh yeah, I know.

KRAMER: Well, where is it?

JERRY: What's the difference?

KRAMER: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.

JERRY: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?

KRAMER: What happened to the car?

JERRY: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.

JERRY: You have to know, you must know.

KRAMER: I must know.

JERRY: Well, I'm not telling you.

KRAMER: Oh, come on.

JERRY: Nope. I don't think so.

KRAMER: Well, please?

JERRY: Not today, pal.

KRAMER: Okay, I beg you.

JERRY: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.

KRAMER: Okay, please! Please tell me!

JERRY: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.

KRAMER: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.

JERRY: I loaned the car to George.

KRAMER: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?

JERRY: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!

KRAMER: Alright.

JERRY: Huh?

KRAMER: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?

JERRY: Will you stop it already?!

KRAMER: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?

JERRY: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!

KRAMER: What, they don't like me?

JERRY: I don't like you!

KRAMER: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.

[George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat.]

GEORGE: I really think it looks good.

ELAINE: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?

GEORGE: All bald people look good in hats.

ELAINE: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.

GEORGE: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

ELAINE: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?

GEORGE: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.

ELAINE: Are you sure you like these sunglasses?

Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something.

[Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?

JERRY: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.

(Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.)

KRAMER: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?

JERRY: No, I like Mike.

KRAMER: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.

JERRY: Oh yeah? What did you talk about?

KRAMER: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.

JERRY: Oh yeah? What did he say?

KRAMER: You have to know everything, don't you?

JERRY: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?

KRAMER: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?

JERRY: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.

KRAMER: Beg me.

JERRY: Please, don't make me beg.

KRAMER: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.

JERRY: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.

KRAMER: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.

JERRY: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.

KRAMER: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.

JERRY: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!

KRAMER: He thinks you're a phony.

JERRY: He what?

KRAMER: I told you, he thinks you're a phony.

JERRY: A phony? He called me a phony?

KRAMER: A big phone. A big one.

JERRY: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!

KRAMER: You begged me.

[Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking noise.]

GEORGE: Do you hear that?

ELAINE: Of course I hear that.

GEORGE: You had to move the mirror?

ELAINE: I wanted to check out my sunglasses.

GEORGE: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.

ELAINE: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.

GEORGE: I can't drive?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.

ELAINE: No, I really don't.

GEORGE: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.

ELAINE: I'm sure you could.

GEORGE: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?

ELAINE: I don't know.

GEORGE: Alright, start looking for spaces.

ELAINE: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.

GEORGE: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.

ELAINE: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.

GEORGE: I can't park in a garage.

ELAINE: Why?

GEORGE: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.

ELAINE: I'll pay for it.

GEORGE: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.

ELAINE: (pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there!

GEORGE: (putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?

ELAINE: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.

(They share a laugh.)

GEORGE: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.

ELAINE: Will you just park it already?

GEORGE: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!

ELAINE: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.

GEORGE: No no no, he's not getting away with this.

ELAINE: George?

(George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.)

GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing?

MIKE: I think I'm parking my car.

GEORGE: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.

MIKE: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up.

GEORGE: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?

MIKE: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.

GEORGE: I was in the middle of a conversation.

MIKE: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?

GEORGE: The point is I was here first.

MIKE: I was closer to this space than you were.

GEORGE: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!

MIKE: I can if I have room!

GEORGE: Are you gonna move the car?

MIKE: No, I'm not gonna move the car.

GEORGE: Jerk!

MIKE: Oh, you're not?

GEORGE: Do you believe this guy?

ELAINE: Come on, we'll put it in a garage.

GEORGE: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.

ELAINE: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.

GEORGE: Are you coming back down?

ELAINE: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.

GEORGE: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?

ELAINE: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.

GEORGE: Oh, come on, you're good at this.

ELAINE: What am I gonna say?

GEORGE: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.

(Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.)

[Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in.]

ELAINE: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?

JERRY: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?

ELAINE: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)

JERRY: (bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.

ELAINE: (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.

JERRY: He is?

ELAINE: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.

JERRY: A gun?!

ELAINE: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.

JERRY: My god, are you okay?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.

JERRY: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.

ELAINE: Exactly.

JERRY: Where's George now?

ELAINE: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.

JERRY: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: Look out the window, you'll see.

JERRY: (leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!

GEORGE: Hey!

JERRY: Are you okay?

GEORGE: Yeah, I'm fine.

JERRY: Crazy kids, huh?

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: (desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.

MIKE: Is that Jerry? Jerry?!

JERRY: Oh, hey Mike.

GEORGE: What, you know Jerry?

MIKE: Yeah, I know Jerry.

GEORGE: How do you know him?

MIKE: What's the difference?

GEORGE: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.

MIKE: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!

JERRY: I'm coming down.

MIKE: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?

GEORGE: What, you know Kramer?!

(Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.)

ELAINE: Hi.

KRAMER: (acting standoffish) Hello.

JERRY: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.

KRAMER: (out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!

GEORGE: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?

MIKE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Oh great.

ELAINE: You know that guy downstairs?

JERRY: Yeah, he's a real phony.

KRAMER: What's going on?!

MIKE: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!

GEORGE: It's my space!

KRAMER: I'll be down in a minute.

ELAINE: Are you going down?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Is anything wrong?

KRAMER: (leaving) Why should anything be wrong?

ELAINE: (heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute.

(Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.)

MIKE: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.

GEORGE: I'll die out here.

(Two bystanders are discussing the incident. )

BYSTANDER #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.

BYSTANDER #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-

MIKE: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!

JERRY: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.

MIKE: Hey Krame! You know this guy?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I know him.

MIKE: (to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?

JERRY: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.

MIKE: (laughing way too loud and hard) Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!!

GEORGE: Oh, come on.

MIKE: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.

GEORGE: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?

MIKE: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.

GEORGE: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!

MIKE: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!

GEORGE: You've got a prayer.

KRAMER: I go in front first all the time.

JERRY: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.

(Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.)

GEORGE: Did you talk to him?

ELAINE: Yeah, it's all taken care of.

GEORGE: You told him? What did you tell him?

ELAINE: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.

GEORGE: I don't believe it, what did you say?

ELAINE: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.

GEORGE: A pack of teenagers?

ELAINE: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.

GEORGE: You are a genius, it's as simple as that.

ELAINE: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.

(Elaine and George rejoin the others.)

KRAMER: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.

GEORGE: Oh great.

JERRY: I didn't know.

ELAINE: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.

GEORGE: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.

MIKE: A flea market? You went to a flea market??

GEORGE: Hey, who's talking to you?

ELAINE: We just didn't think of you.

KRAMER: You said it, sister.

GEORGE: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?

(People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot.)

GEORGE: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.

JERRY: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!

GEORGE: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.

JERRY: You're right. My fault.

ELAINE: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.

GEORGE: Yeah, I'm sorry.

KRAMER: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.

GEORGE: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?

JERRY: It was a so-so sorry.

(A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab.)

TRUCK DRIVER: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!

GEORGE: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.

MIKE: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?

TRUCK DRIVER: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here!

ELAINE: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.

JERRY: Wild pack of teenagers, huh?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.

ELAINE: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?

GEORGE: Uh huh.

JERRY: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,

GEORGE: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.

ELAINE: Right.

GEORGE: I learned a lot about myself.

JERRY: What did you do to my car?!

GEORGE: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.

ELAINE: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

JERRY: I thought you said you were a good driver!

GEORGE: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.

JERRY: I think you said driver.

GEORGE: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.

MIKE: Will you move it up a little bit?

GEORGE: No no no, that's in the right position.

MIKE: No no, I was further in.

GEORGE: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.

MIKE: Do you mind?

GEORGE: Do you?

SID: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.

JERRY: Hey Sid.

MIKE: Who are you?

SID: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?

GEORGE: Sid, it's completely his fault.

MIKE: Oh, right.

SID: Why don't you start taking the bus?

JERRY: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.

GEORGE: Don't do it!

JERRY: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?

GEORGE: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.

ELAINE: Why don't you just flip a coin already?

GEORGE: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying no to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.

ELAINE: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.

GEORGE: So you're against me now?

(An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident.)

ANGRY MAN: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.

MATTHEW: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.

ANGRY MAN: No he wasn't.

MATTHEW: All that matters is who was there first.

ANGRY MAN: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.

MATTHEW: You just spit on me!

ANGRY MAN: Don't you raise your voice to me!

MATTHEW: You're not my father.

JERRY: Hey Matthew.

MATTHEW: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.

JERRY: How ya doing?

MATTHEW: Okay.

JERRY: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.

MATTHEW: What?!

JERRY: Oh no, nothing.

MATTHEW: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?

JERRY: No, no, no, no.

MATTHEW: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?

JERRY: No, of course not, of course not!

MATTHEW: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money?

MARYEDITH: Jerry?! What's the matter with you?

JERRY: I didn't--

MARYEDITH: (to Kramer) Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.

KRAMER: Oh, congratulations.

MARYEDITH: What for?

KRAMER: Well, you're pregnant.

MARYEDITH: What?

KRAMER: You're not pregnant?

MARYEDITH: No, I'm not pregnant.

KRAMER: Are you sure you're not pregnant?

MARYEDITH: Yes, I'm sure!

KRAMER: That's weird.

MARYEDITH: Come on, Matthew.

MATTHEW: No.

MARYEDITH: Come on, Matthew!

KRAMER: I thought she was pregnant.

JERRY: (to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Mike thinks I'm a phony.

ELAINE: He thinks you're a phony?

JERRY: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.

ELAINE: Oh, you have to say something.

JERRY: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.

ELAINE: You gotta open the vault.

JERRY: Open my vault?

ELAINE: Open your vault.

JERRY: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.

ELAINE: You have no choice.

JERRY: Oy ga-vault.

Newman: (to Kramer) You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.

(George begins applauding.)

KRAMER: When can you park head first?

NEWMAN: Never.

MIKE: What are you asking this guy for?

NEWMAN: Who's talking to you?

GEORGE: He's right. never.

MIKE: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?

NEWMAN: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.

GEORGE: When do you ever have ten car lengths?

KRAMER: What about Sundays and holidays?

GEORGE: Oh please.

(A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George)

SHEILA: What's going on here?

GEORGE: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.

SHEILA: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.

GEORGE: Well, thank you for your support.

SHEILA: Hey, that's a great hat.

GEORGE: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.

NEWMAN: Hey George, nice hat.

GEORGE: Yeah, thanks.

NEWMAN: Can I try it on?

GEORGE: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.

NEWMAN: Well sure it would.

GEORGE: No! Get out of here, Newman.

NEWMAN: Come on, let me try it on.

GEORGE: No, Newman, stop it.

SHEILA: Let him try it on.

GEORGE: I don't want him to!

SHEILA: What is wrong with you?

GEORGE: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!

NEWMAN: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.

GEORGE: Alright, just keep the hat!

JERRY: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?

ELAINE: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?

KRAMER: I'm not going if he's going.

NEWMAN: Me either.

GEORGE: I'm not going if he's going.

MIKE: Well I'm going.

JERRY: Well if he's going then I'm not going.

NEWMAN: But it's your house.

JERRY: I still don't have to go.

ELAINE: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.

MIKE: Why won't you go if I go?

JERRY: Why? I'll tell you why.

KRAMER: No. Don't, Jerry.

JERRY: Like you didn't call me a phony?

MIKE: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.

JERRY: Use it in a sentence.

MIKE: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?

KRAMER: He begged me.

MIKE: He begged you?!

JERRY: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?

(Two police officers walk up.)

COP #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.

GEORGE: Officer, could I just explain something to you?

COP #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.

GEORGE: Officer, he can't pull in head first.

MIKE: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was

sitting there.

COP #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head

first.

COP #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there.

COP #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first.

COP #2: But he didn't take it.

COP #1: Hey, it's his space.

COP #2: No, it's his space.

[Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing through the window]

GEORGE: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!

MIKE: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!

GEORGE: I don't have a job!

MIKE: Neither do I!

(Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV.)

REFEREE: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. ding

(Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.)

[Closing monologue]

People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.

The End

S3E23 - The Keys

Broadcast date: May 6, 1992

Written by: Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Nina Tremblay ................... Jerry's Girlfriend

Eric Allan Kramer .............. Biker

Ricky Dean Logan ............. Hippie #1

Sharon Barr ......................... Trucker

Maud Winchester ............... Hippie #2

Heather James .................... Waitress

Carissa Channing .............. Kramer's Girlfriend

Candice Bergen .................. Herself (as Murphy Brown)

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

Jerry's stand-up: So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..."

Opening scene: Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts.

JERRY's brain: What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.

(Jerry notices his door is open.)

JERRY's brain: What the hell...? Why is the door open?

(Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment, and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns on the light.)

JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here!?

KRAMER: Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.

JERRY: You scared me!

KRAMER: It's just me.

JERRY: That's enough!

KRAMER: Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.)

[Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly trying to get in the door.]

JERRY (from outside the door): C'mon...c'mon...

(Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads for the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble bath in his tub.)

JERRY: Kramer! What are you doing?!

KRAMER: What does it look like I'm doing? What?

JERRY: Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go!

KRAMER: Alright, alright...

JERRY: C'mon!

KRAMER: Sorry.

JERRY: Move it! Move it! Get going!

KRAMER: My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.)

JERRY (from inside the bathroom): Is that my towel?

(Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's floor from the other side of the door.)

[Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door with a girlfriend.]

GIRLFRIEND: I'm really happy the movie was sold out.

JERRY: Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment?

GIRLFRIEND: I'm from Witchita, so...

JERRY: Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.)

GIRLFRIEND: Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!

JERRY: The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.)

GIRLFRIEND: That was close!

JERRY: Did you see the look on that guy's face?

GIRLFRIEND: You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.)

JERRY: Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?!

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies.

JERRY: All right, that's it. Hand 'em over.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges.

KRAMER: Oh, come on!

JERRY: No, come on!

KRAMER: What, what, I thought you went to the movies!

JERRY: It was sold out!

KRAMER: Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out?

JERRY: That's the point.

KRAMER: What point?

JERRY: Just, look, just give the keys.

KRAMER: Just give me another chance!

JERRY: Don't ask me!

KRAMER: I'm asking you!

JERRY: I'm telling you.

KRAMER: You're joking.

JERRY: I'm serious!

KRAMER: It's not going to happen again!

JERRY: Yes it will, now give me those keys!

(Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses his footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down with him.)

KRAMER (getting up): O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)

[Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving his spare keys to Elaine.]

JERRY: So put 'em in a safe place.

ELAINE: I will.

JERRY: Where?

ELAINE: I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset?

JERRY: I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different.

ELAINE: Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back.

JERRY: I can't.

)There's a gentle knock at the door.)

ELAINE (mouths the words): Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)

JERRY: Who's there?

KRAMER (in hallway): Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the...

ELAINE: Oh, I'm not, uh...

KRAMER: No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of the keys."

ELAINE: Jerry, give him the keys back.

JERRY: Elaine...

(Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let her. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer breaks it up.)

KRAMER: I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you.

JERRY: Take the keys.

KRAMER: I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.)

JERRY: O.K.!

KRAMER: Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back.

JERRY: Your spare set?

KRAMER: That's right.

JERRY: You want 'em back?

KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best.

(Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his drawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.)

[the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring to George.]

GEORGE: Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say.

KRAMER: Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!

GEORGE: Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys.

KRAMER: Well, you can get 'em back.

GEORGE: I suppose I could.

KRAMER: Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you.

GEORGE: Me?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.

GEORGE: Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.)

WAITRESS: Hi, are you ready to order? (George tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.)

KRAMER (moves over and sits next to George): Do you ever yearn?

GEORGE: Yearn? Do I yearn?

KRAMER: I yearn.

GEORGE: You yearn.

KRAMER: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?

GEORGE: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.

KRAMER (in disgust): Look at you.

GEORGE: Aw, Kramer, don't start...

KRAMER (moving back to the othe side of the booth): You're wasting your life.

GEORGE: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life!

KRAMER: O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: You got money?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: Do you have a woman?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: Do you have any prospects?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: You got anything on the horizon?

GEORGE: Uh...no.

KRAMER: Do you have any action at all?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

GEORGE: I like to get the Daily News!

KRAMER: George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys.

GEORGE: Why?

KRAMER: I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug.

GEORGE: Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too.

KRAMER: No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.

GEORGE: "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired!

KRAMER: I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me?

GEORGE: Uh, no, I'm not.

KRAMER: Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.)

GEORGE: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?

KRAMER (points to his head): Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)

[Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up his spare keys from Elaine.]

GEORGE: Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you.

ELAINE: Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours?

GEORGE: I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother."

ELAINE: That's ridiculous.

GEORGE (shakes huge keyring): That's Kramer.

ELAINE: I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back.

GEORGE: What for?

ELAINE: 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.

GEORGE: Jerry? Why?

ELAINE: 'Cause he gave me his.

GEORGE: So what?

ELAINE: So, if he has my keys, I should have his.

GEORGE: Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.

ELAINE: I just said the same thing to you.

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer?

ELAINE: Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends.

[Jerry's apartment the next day.]

JERRY: Did you bring the keys?

GEORGE: Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission.

JERRY: This could be an emergency!

GEORGE: You never should have taken away his keys!

JERRY: I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)

GEORGE: How'd the Mets do?

JERRY: They lost.

(Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.)

JERRY: Kramer?

(Newman walks up behind them.)

NEWMAN (startling them): Hello, boys.

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN: You lookin' for someone?

JERRY: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!

NEWMAN: Coy? I'm not being coy.

JERRY (to George): Is he being coy?

GEORGE: Yeah, coy.

JERRY: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?

NEWMAN (coyly): Who?

JERRY: Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!

NEWMAN: Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.

JERRY: Turn around, George.

GEORGE: Sure. (Turns around.)

NEWMAN: George?

JERRY: Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)

NEWMAN: Help! Help!

JERRY: Where's Kramer?

NEWMAN: HELP! (Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: What's going on?

(Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.)

NEWMAN: They're gonna beat me up!

GEORGE: No we're not.

JERRY: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.

NEWMAN: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.

JERRY: Bad rap?

NEWMAN: Yeah. From you.

JERRY: Me?

NEWMAN: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.

JERRY: L.A.?

[Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music. The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe it.]

[Jerry's apartment at night]

(Jerry's at the window, George and Elaine are on the couch ).

JERRY: I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullshit.

JERRY: Huh?

ELAINE: What...?

JERRY: No, what'd you say?

ELAINE: Nothing. I didn't say anything.

JERRY: Oh, you didn't see it.

ELAINE: Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep.

JERRY: I heard you say something, there.

ELAINE: I didn't say anything.

JERRY: I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down!

GEORGE: Ask her about Kramer.

JERRY: She's drunk out of her mind.

[Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the highway. He tries to thumb a ride.]

Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to unlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the coffee shop to call Elaine.]

JERRY (leaving a message on Elaine's machine): Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop.

[Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a motorcycle.]

KRAMER (shouting over the cycle's engine): Hey! You ever been in an accident?

BIKER: About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it! Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know, when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed 'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! (The biker goes into a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.)

[Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George. George enters, spare keys in hand.]

JERRY (applauding): Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.

GEORGE: Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.

JERRY: Don't feel right? What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?

JERRY: What is the big deal?

GEORGE: Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys.

JERRY: First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys.

GEORGE: Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.

JERRY: Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.)

GEORGE: Nope, no can do.

JERRY: George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical!

GEORGE: Do you wanna fight?

JERRY: Do you wanna fight?

GEORGE: I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.)

[Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time with a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them a story as they go down the road... ]

KRAMER: And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince.

HIPPIE #1: Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way.

KRAMER: Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.

HIPPIE #1: Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh?

KRAMER: Oh, he's cold.

HIPPIE #1: Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here!

HIPPIE #1: Hey, what's the rush, man?

KRAMER: Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.

HIPPIE #1: Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man?

KRAMER: What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody)

HIPPIE #2: Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.)

[Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach Elaine's door, still arguing about the keys.]

JERRY: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.

GEORGE: You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of shit.

JERRY: What's that?

GEORGE: Nothing.

JERRY: I heard something.

GEORGE: Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.)

[Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time with a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler.]

KRAMER: So, how long you been drivin' this thing?

WOMAN: Goin' on four years.

KRAMER: Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.

WOMAN: Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite the sweet-talker.

KRAMER: You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.

WOMAN: You want to give it a try?

KRAMER: Really?

WOMAN: Do you know how to double-clutch?

KRAMER: Yeah.

WOMAN: Well, come on! (They trade places and Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.)

[Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for Jerry's spare keys.]

GEORGE: They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!

JERRY: Well, this is great.

GEORGE: Well, what do they look like?

JERRY: They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What do they look like."

GEORGE: Well, they're obviously not here.

JERRY: Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.

GEORGE: Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!

JERRY (looking through some papers on the desk): What is this? "Murphy Brown"?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: By Elaine Benes?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"?

GEORGE: Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)

JERRY: Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.)

GEORGE: Gimme half!

JERRY: All right, here!

GEORGE: Why didn't she tell us?

JERRY (making fun): Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.)

ELAINE: You weasels!

JERRY: What? What?

ELAINE: How dare you!

GEORGE: We hardly read anything!

JERRY: It was funny!

ELAINE: Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny?

JERRY: Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw...

ELAINE (grabs the papers from Jerry): Well, it's just a first draft!

JERRY: I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys.

ELAINE (turning on George): Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)

GEORGE: He forced me to!

JERRY: I did not!

GEORGE: Yes you did!

ELAINE: You! Get out! Get out! Get out!

JERRY: Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!

ELAINE: Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore!

JERRY: Good!

ELAINE (to George): And I want my keys back from you!

GEORGE: What, you don't want me to hold your keys?

ELAINE: No, you can't be trusted!

GEORGE: Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.)

JERRY (to Elaine): And I don't want you to hold mine!

ELAINE: Good! I won't!

JERRY: Good! Don't! Are these my keys?

ELAINE: These aren't my keys!

GEORGE: Whose are these?

ELAINE: I don't know!

(Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown roller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some guy on a scooter.)

[Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: I just thought I could write it.

JERRY: Is that something you want to do?

ELAINE: I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.

JERRY: Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other.

ELAINE: O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole.

JERRY: What did you say?

ELAINE: I didn't say anything.

JERRY: I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!

ELAINE (laughing): Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!

JERRY: Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk!

[Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.]

CANDICE BERGEN: Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary.

KRAMER: Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.

CANDICE BERGEN: And you are...?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.

CANDICE BERGEN: Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.

KRAMER: Steven.

CANDICE BERGEN: Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system?

KRAMER: Oh - I'm familiar with it.

CANDICE BERGEN: Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good feeling about you. (exits.)

(Episode ends with Kramer typing rapidly on his keyboard as he takes a bite out of a donut.)

The End

Season 4

S4E1 - The Trip (1)

Broadcast date: August 12, 1992

Written by: Larry Charles

Directed By Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ............................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .......................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ...................... Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .......................... Kramer

Guest Stars:

Peter Murnik ................................ Lt. Martel

Elmarie Wendel ............................. Helene

Debi A. Monahan .......................... Chelsea

Ricky Dean Logan ......................... The Freak

Vaughn Armstrong ....................... Lt. Coleman

Keith Morrison ............................... Newscaster (Himself)

Manfred Melcher ............................ Officer

Christopher Michael Moore ............ Studio Guard

Dyana Ortelli .................................. Chambermaid (Lupe)

Michael Gerard ............................... Receptionist

Fred Savage .................................... (Himself)

George Wendt ................................ (Himself)

Corbin Bernsen  .............................. (Himself)

==================================================================

Opening monologue.

It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to another city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're there, they live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers, it took years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles just for one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. Yeah, it took us a decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer, it was nice, we had a pool, the kids loved it, and then we left about ten years ago and we just got back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives are over.

[George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop.]

GEORGE: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Are you sure?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Murphy Brown, the TV show.

JERRY: C'mon, will ya?

GEORGE: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!

JERRY: Something, isn't it?

GEORGE: With Candace Bergen!

JERRY: I know!

GEORGE: I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?

JERRY: Sure.

GEORGE: Did she show her breasts in that?

JERRY: She's not really the naked type.

GEORGE: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.

JERRY: He did?

GEORGE: Yeah, I turned him down.

JERRY: How come you didn't tell me?

GEORGE: He asked me to keep it a secret.

JERRY: But you can never keep a secret.

GEORGE: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.

JERRY: Well, you've come a long way.

GEORGE: I've matured.

JERRY: Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?

GEORGE: A free ticket?

JERRY: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.

GEORGE: What about accommodations?

JERRY: All taken care of.

GEORGE: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...

[Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.]

KRAMER: So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.

STUDIO GUARD: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?

KRAMER: Uh, did you?

STUDIO GUARD: C'mon, let's go.

KRAMER: Well, I was just--

STUDIO GUARD: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go.

KRAMER: Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?

[Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard practicing in the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call on the pay phone in the hall.]

VOICE: Murphy Brown.

KRAMER: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.

VOICE: Who's calling please?

KRAMER: Ah, well, just tell her that it's Kramer.

(Dial tone.)

KRAMER: Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours.

(Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.)

HELENA: Hello Kramer.

KRAMER: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?

HELENA: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?

KRAMER: Well, that's only uh, 58 years.

HELENA: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?

KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?

HELENA: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.

KRAMER: Uh huh, right.

HELENA: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake.

KRAMER: Right.

HELENA: Moe hits Curly with an axe,

KRAMER: Uh huh.

HELENA: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,

KRAMER: Right.

HELENA: But it's too late.

KRAMER: Really.

HELENA: The baby's dead.

KRAMER: Really?

HELENA: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.

KRAMER: Well I don't remember that part.

HELENA: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.

HELENA: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.

KRAMER: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.

HELENA: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?

KRAMER: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?

HELENA: Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me,

KRAMER: Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.

HELENA: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!

[Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases and backpacks.]

JERRY: What is this?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?

GEORGE: I happen to dress based on mood.

JERRY: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.

GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.

JERRY: (referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this.

GEORGE: This is Morning Mist.

[A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants are talking.]

LT. COLEMAN:: What do you figure, 20? 21?

LT. MARTEL:: Close enough.

LT. COLEMAN:: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.

LT. MARTEL:: No ID?

LT. COLEMAN:: No ID.

LT. MARTEL:: No witnesses?

LT. COLEMAN:: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing.

LT. MARTEL:: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that.

LT. COLEMAN:: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it?

LT. MARTEL:: I don't know, but I don't like it.

[Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.]

JERRY: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.

GEORGE: Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.

JERRY: Just go.

(George braces himself and walks through the detector.)

GEORGE: Heh he, I made it.

(Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.)

SECURITY GUARD: Empty your pockets please.

(Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps again.)

SECURITY GUARD: Walk through again please.

(Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.)

SECURITY GUARD: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?

JERRY: Anklets?

SECURITY GUARD: A lot of men wear anklets.

JERRY: Really?

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah.

OTHER SECURITY GUARD (to George): What do you have in your bag, sir?

GEORGE: My bag?

SECURITY GUARD: Step over here please.

JERRY: Over here?

OTHER SECURITY GUARD: Do you have a knife in the bag?

GEORGE: A knife?

OTHER SECURITY GUARD: Open the bag, please.

(George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.)

OTHER SECURITY GUARD: What's this?

GEORGE: Moisturizer?

OTHER SECURITY GUARD: For your wife?

GEORGE: No, I uh... I use it.

SECURITY GUARD: Spread your arms and legs please.

(The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down Jerry's body.)

JERRY: (facing the lengthening line behind him) Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.

OTHER SECURITY GUARD: Have a good trip.

SECURITY GUARD: Alright, go ahead.

JERRY: That's it?

SECURITY GUARD: That's it.

JERRY: Alright.

GEORGE: C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?

JERRY: I must have iron rich blood.

GEORGE: Here we go, LA.

JERRY: The Coast,

GEORGE: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?

JERRY: Who said that?

GEORGE: I called it.

JERRY: Oh no.

GEORGE: What do you mean, oh no.

[Monologue, Jerry on stage.]

Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look out, cart people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. Oooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?

[Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Oh ah, yeah, I'm here for the audition.

RECEPTIONIST: Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial?

KRAMER: Uh, let's see... well.

[Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions the receptionist mentioned.]

[Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, exit the

casting office.]

KRAMER: You scream good.

CHELSEA: You too.

[Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.]

CHELSEA: So, can I keep this treatment?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.

CHELSEA: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money.

KRAMER: Really.

CHELSEA: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.

KRAMER: Um-hm.

CHELSEA: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on...

KRAMER: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage.

CHELSEA: Big deal.

KRAMER: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.

CHELSEA: Why are you breathing so hard?

KRAMER: Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?

(Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table nearby.)

KRAMER: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...

FRED SAVAGE: Thank you.

KRAMER: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.

FRED: Thanks.

KRAMER: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...

FRED: That's ok. Relax, relax.

KRAMER: Ok, but I got this...

(Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table collapses.)

KRAMER: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.

FRED (a little frightened and backing away towards the door): Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate.

KRAMER: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.

FRED: Yeah.

KRAMER: So I'd like to give it to you.

FRED: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!

KRAMER: (bumping into a lamp) Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.

(Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, Kramer gives the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.)

[George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.]

JERRY: Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?

GEORGE: Curly.

JERRY: Wavy.

GEORGE: What'd you ask me for?

JERRY: Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?

GEORGE: Nope.

JERRY: 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?

GEORGE (from the bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine!

JERRY: I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?

GEORGE: You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body

lotion!

JERRY: About 6-3.

GEORGE: Ooh, a shower cap!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

JERRY: Coming.

(George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.)

LUPE: Hello. I have more towels.

GEORGE: Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?

LUPE: Lupe.

GEORGE: Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?

LUPE: Oh Yes.

GEORGE: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.

LUPE: Oh, yes, yes.

GEORGE: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.

LUPE: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.

GEORGE: Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right?

LUPE: Oh yees, It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too?

GEORGE: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?

JERRY: Excuse me, what?

GEORGE: You want your blankets tucked in?

JERRY: What blankets?

GEORGE: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.

JERRY: I don't know, whatever they do.

LUPE: I tuck in? Yes?

JERRY: Tuck in, tuck in.

GEORGE: Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.

LUPE: Okay.

GEORGE: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.

JERRY: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.

GEORGE (to Lupe): Two no-tucks.

JERRY: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.

GEORGE: You just said you weren't tucking.

JERRY: I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway.

GEORGE: Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?

JERRY: Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?

LUPE: Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.

JERRY: Oh, okay, thanks.

LUPE: Thank you.

GEORGE: Thank you.

LUPE: Bye-bye.

GEORGE: Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.

LUPE: Bye.

GEORGE: Bye-bye.

(Lupe exits.)

JERRY: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.

GEORGE: Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table.

JERRY: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out.

JERRY: Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here.

GEORGE: Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?

[Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.]

GEORGE: You shouldn't have tucked.

JERRY: I like it tucked.

GEORGE: Nobody tucks anymore.

(As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his car and drives off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office notices this and picks up one of the photos.)

[Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the body's head, but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's friend from the auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.]

OFFICER: Hey, Lieutenant.

LT. MARTEL:: Yeah.

OFFICER: This was found on her person.

LT. MARTEL:: On her person? What kind of expression is that?

OFFICER: I don't know, sir. Police lingo.

LT. MARTEL:: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.

OFFICER: Ross.

LT. MARTEL:: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?

OFFICER: Yes sir.

LT. MARTEL:: She's dead. Have you got that?

OFFICER: Yes sir.

LT. MARTEL:: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.

OFFICER: Yes sir.

(The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The Keys" A movie treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's first name was is missing.)

LT. MARTEL:: I think we just caught a break.

[Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.]

GEORGE: This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Might meet a celebrity.

JERRY: I can't believe she threw out my napkin.

GEORGE: What are you worried about, you know it.

JERRY: You gonna be alright here?

GEORGE: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around.

JERRY: Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes.

GEORGE: Go, go, go, don't worry about it.

(Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands near George, obviously waiting for someone.)

GEORGE: Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.

CORBIN BERNSEN: How ya doing?

GEORGE: Big fan! Big fan.

CORBIN BERNSEN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?

CORBIN BERNSEN: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.

GEORGE: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.

CORBIN BERNSEN: Really.

(Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.)

GEORGE: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.

CORBIN BERNSEN: Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?

GEORGE: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.

CORBIN BERNSEN: So you killed the cat.

GEORGE: That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?

(Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.)

(Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same hallway.)

GEORGE: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.

GEORGE WENDT: Oh, of course not.

GEORGE: But really, it's enough with the bar already.

GEORGE WENDT: Yeah, well.

GEORGE: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?

GEORGE WENDT: Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.

GEORGE: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?

GEORGE WENDT: Well yeah, they do, heh heh.

GEORGE: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.

GEORGE WENDT (checking his watch, obviously uncomfortable): Yeah, you oughta write one of those.

GEORGE: Yeah?

GEORGE WENDT: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh...

GEORGE: Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!

(Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.)

JERRY: How's it going?

GEORGE: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!

JERRY: You got toilet paper on your heel there.

(George looks down, Jerry walks away.)

[The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.]

Announcer: It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

(Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.)

CORBIN BERNSEN: Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a great case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot.

(Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.)

[Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.]

HELENA: He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors.

[Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.]

GEORGE WENDT: It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar.

(Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides George.)

[Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer hitched a ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being questioned by the Lt.]

THE FREAK: So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid?

[Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are talking between takes.]

GEORGE WENDT: The guy you talked to, what did he look like?

CORBIN BERNSEN: Short little bald guy with glasses.

GEORGE WENDT: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.

CORBIN BERNSEN: It never ends, does it?

(Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.)

JERRY: So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.

(Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.)

(Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.)

[Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.]

LT. MARTEL: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer.

[George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set]

JERRY: I was terrible.

GEORGE: What are you, crazy? You were fine.

JERRY: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh...

GEORGE: Conveyor belt.

JERRY: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.

GEORGE: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?

JERRY: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.

(George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being broadcast.)

TV NEWSCASTER: Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".

(George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.)

Closing monologue.

Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."

To Be Continued...

S4E2 - The Trip (2)

Broadcast date: August 19, 1992

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Peter Murnik ...................... Lt. Martel

Elmarie Wendel .................. Helene

Marty Rackham .................. Officer #1

Peter Parros ....................... Officer #2

Vaughn Armstrong ............ Lt. Coleman

Clint Howard ..................... Tobias Lehigh Nagy

Steve Greenstein ................ Man

Kerry Leigh Michaels ......... Woman

Keith Morrison ................... Newscaster (Himself)

Peggy Lane O'Rourke ........ Reporter #1

Deck McKenzie .................. Reporter #2

Steve Dougherty ............... Prison Guard

==================================================================

[OPENING MONOLOGUE]

There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."

[OPENING SCENE]

(GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM)

GEORGE: He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!

JERRY: Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!

GEORGE: What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?

JERRY: Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.

GEORGE: Hope he's not the guy.

JERRY: Couldn't be the guy...nah.

GEORGE: God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.

JERRY: How can you think of food at the time like this?

GEORGE: Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.

JERRY: I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!

GEORGE: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.

JERRY: You should've had some eggs.

GEORGE: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?

JERRY: Have you ever heard of egg salad?

GEORGE: Why didn't you say something then?

JERRY: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?

GEORGE: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.

JERRY: I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there.

GEORGE: Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.

[CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND]

[BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET]

JERRY: I don't have any change. You've got any change?

GEORGE: No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.

JERRY: Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.

GEORGE: I have a ten.

JERRY: So, break it.

GEORGE: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

JERRY: So, buy something.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.

GEORGE: Breath problem?

JERRY: No, I just want some change.

GEORGE: Tell me.

JERRY: Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.

GEORGE: You know, I haven't eaten anything.

JERRY: I just wanna call the police!

GEORGE: Why don't you just call 911?

JERRY: But is this an emergency?

GEORGE: Of course it is.

JERRY: How is this an emergency?

GEORGE: Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.

JERRY: All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...

GEORGE: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!

JERRY: Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?

GEORGE: What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?

JERRY: Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Sure.

GEORGE: You think so?

JERRY: Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.

GEORGE: Excuse me, where are we?

MAN: Earth.

JERRY: Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.

GEORGE: Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?

WOMAN: I don't know.

GEORGE: You don't know?

WOMAN: I don't know.

GEORGE: How come you don't know what street are you on?

WOMAN: You don't know.

JERRY: George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.

(Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.)

GEORGE: Black and white?

JERRY: A cop car.

GEORGE: Why didn't you just say that?

JERRY: I thought it sounded kind of cool.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.

JERRY: Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.

GEORGE: I'll bet you, how much?

JERRY: Her tip.

GEORGE: You've got a bet.

JERRY: Ok.

GEORGE: How much do you tip a chamber maid?

POLICE: Which one of you is Costanza?

(Jerry and George point at each other.)

POLICE: Get in.

GEORGE: Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...

[KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR]

[BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS]

GEORGE: Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.

(JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE)

JERRY: Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.

COP: Cut it up back there.

GEORGE: He started it.

JERRY: I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?

COP: I don't think so.

JERRY: But you could?

COP: Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want.

COP 2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road.

COP: Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.

COP 2: Shoot people...

GEORGE: You guys ever shot anybody?

COPS: No...

GEORGE: Hey, can I flip on the siren?

JERRY: Why are you bothering them for?

GEORGE: I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.

COP: Yeah, go ahead.

(GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN)

GEORGE: Wohoo, check it out.

JERRY: Can I try it?

COP: Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.

(JERRY TRIES THE SIREN)

JERRY: Scared the hell out of that guy.

GEORGE: You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?

JERRY: Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...

JERRY and GEORGE: Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...

COP: Hey!

[KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH.]

KRAMER: I'm dizzy.

[BACK TO THE POLICE CAR]

JERRY: Nice shotgun.

COP: Thanks.

JERRY: Clean as a whistle.

GEORGE: You could eat of that shotgun.

JERRY: What is that, a 12 gauge?

COP: Yeah.

JERRY: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.

GEORGE: My favorite.

JERRY: Mine too, love the 12 gauge.

GEORGE: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.

COP: What do got over there?

COP 2: I don't know.

COP: Looks like a possible 5-19.

JERRY: 5-19? What's a 5-19?

GEORGE: Where?

COP 2: Think so?

COP: Looks like it.

JERRY: I can't believe this. A 5-19?

GEORGE: Where, where? I can't see.

COP: This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over.

COP 2: All right, let's pull over and check it out.

JERRY: Pull over? You can't pull over.

GEORGE: What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?

JERRY: Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.

GEORGE: Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.

JERRY: We have an appointment!

GEORGE: What are you doing?!

JERRY: Great.

(COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR)

GEORGE: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.

JERRY: Which flavor?

GEORGE: Milano.

JERRY: Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?

GEORGE: Should I take some?

JERRY: I think that's a 5-19.

GEORGE: I'm starving...

(GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY)

JERRY: They're busting this guy.

GEORGE: They're cuffing him.

JERRY: I can't believe this.

(GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE)

[MIDDLE MONOLOGUE]

I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."

[BACK TO POLICE CAR]

GEORGE: Hi.

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry.

GEORGE: George, how you doing?

(GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS)

GUY: What did you do?

GEORGE: Nothing.

JERRY: Nothing.

GUY: Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing!

COP: Shut up.

JERRY: Hot out.

GUY: Brutal.

GEORGE: What do you tip a chamber maid.

GUY: I don't know, five bucks a night.

JERRY: No, a dollar, two tops.

GUY: Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks?

GEORGE: Narks?

JERRY: Imagine, us narks?

GEORGE: No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.

GUY: Really? Well, that's very nice.

GEORGE: Oh, thank you.

JERRY: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.

GEORGE: Yeah well, we don't think.

JERRY: We're pretty sure.

GUY: A dollar a night?

JERRY: Yeah, that's a good tip!

GUY: That stinks!

JERRY: I read it in Ann Landers.

GUY: Oh, Ann Landers sucks!

COP 2: Hey, shut it up back there.

POLICE RADIO: Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.

COP: That's smog strangler.

JERRY: Kramer.

COP 2: Got him. Let's go.

(POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS)

JERRY: I wanna see what's happening.

GEORGE: I don't know why I'm doing this.

LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS

KRAMER: Jerry, George!

LT. MARTEL: You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.

(THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE LEFT OPEN)

[KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS]

REPORTERS: Why did you do it? What possessed you?

KRAMER: I don't know...

[COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL]

(JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER)

KRAMER: Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!

JERRY: We're doing fine. How are you?

KRAMER: What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.

GEORGE: A player?

KRAMER: Yeah, a player...

JERRY: Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?

KRAMER: What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.

JERRY: Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!

KRAMER: So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?

JERRY: Well, yeah...sure.

POLICE: Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you.

KRAMER: Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?

(KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY JUST ONE MORE THING)

KRAMER: Help me!! Help me!

(OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY)

[KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL]

KRAMER: I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!

LT. MARTEL: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that?

KRAMER: You're making a big mistake.

LT. MARTEL: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay.

KRAMER: What?

LT. MARTEL: Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.

KRAMER: Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me!

LT. MARTEL: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.

KRAMER: Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...

LT. MARTEL: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory you're a weed.

KRAMER: No...

LT. MARTEL: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers.

(KRAMER SOBS)

LT. MARTEL: You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer?

(KRAMER CRIES)

LT. MARTEL: You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?

(PHONE RINGS)

OFFICER: Lieutenant, it's for you.

LT. MARTEL: Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.

(KRAMER KEEPS CRYING)

OFFICER: What it is, Lieutenant?

LT. MARTEL: Let him go.

OFFICER: What, but Lieutenant?

LT. MARTEL: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.

KRAMER: Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park?

LT. MARTEL: I said beat it!

[JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL]

(KRAMER WALKS OUT)

KRAMER: Hahaa!

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.

JERRY: Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!

GEORGE: You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?

JERRY: While you were in jail. So you're free.

KRAMER: Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again!

(THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY LEAVE QUIETLY)

[KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A.]

JERRY: So Kramer, what are you going to do?

KRAMER: Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.

GEORGE: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

KRAMER: What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?

GEORGE: I'd like to hear that.

JERRY: Yeah...

KRAMER: Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...

JERRY: Kramer, she was murdered!

KRAMER: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.

GEORGE: As a suspect in a serial killing.

KRAMER: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.

GEORGE: What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.

JERRY: So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?

KRAMER: No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.

GEORGE: Taste this, is this a dill?

JERRY: No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.

KRAMER: Ok, it's forgotten.

GEORGE: Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.

JERRY: Well, take it easy.

KRAMER: Yeah, ok.

GEORGE: Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.

KRAMER: Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...

JERRY: Oh, no...

GEORGE: No, you're crushing my sandwich.

[JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.]

JERRY: Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you.

[BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV. ]

GEORGE: Mint?

JERRY: No thanks.

GEORGE: I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.

JERRY: It's been three days already, forget about Lupe.

GEORGE: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?

JERRY: No, I don't.

GEORGE: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.

JERRY: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.

GEORGE: I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.

JERRY: How much did you wound up tipping her?

GEORGE: Oh my God, I forgot!

JERRY: Well, communism didn't work.

(KRAMER WALKS IN)

KRAMER: Hey!

(KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE)

KRAMER: Any mustard? This is empty.

JERRY: Yeah, there's a new one in there.

KRAMER: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?

JERRY: Help yourself.

KRAMER: Yeah, all right.

GEORGE: Kramer, what are you doing here?

KRAMER: Getting something to eat.

JERRY: Kramer, here!

(JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA.)

[ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON.]

Newscaster: Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.

[CLOSING MONOLOGUE]

The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors."

THE END

S4E3 - The Pitch

Broadcast date: September 16, 1992

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kevin Page .......................... Stu

Stephen McHattie ............... Psychiatrist (Dr. Reston)

Peter Blood ......................... Jay

Julie Blum ............................ Receptionist

Steve Skrovan ..................... Tommy

Ron Ross ............................. Homeless Man

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Bob Balaban ................... Russell Dalrimple

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Peter Crombie ................ Crazy" Joe Davola?

==================================================================

[The Improv Bar]

GEORGE: What did they do for toilet paper in the civil war?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I wonder what toilet paper was loike in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffle bags?

JERRY: Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?

GEORGE: All right, so what did they do?

JERRY: I don't know. Maybe they gave out fig leaf clumps to all the soldiers.

GEORGE: Well I think it would be nice if there was some kind of historical record of it.

JERRY: Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper of the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack . . .

STU: Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC.

JERRY: Hi.

STU: Could we speak for a few moments?

JERRY: Sure.

JAY: Hi, Jay Crespi.

JERRY: Hello.

GEORGE: Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?

JAY: That's right.

GEORGE: I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name.

JAY: Mm, I'm not-

JERRY: George-

GEORGE: (backing off) Huh? All right, fine.

STU: First of all, that was a terrific show.

JERRY: Oh thank you very much.

STU: And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.

JERRY: Really? Wow.

STU: So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it.

JERRY: I'd be very interested in something like that.

STU: Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series.

(They start to exit.)

JERRY: Okay. Great. Thanks.

STU: It was very nice meeting you.

JERRY: Thank you.

JAY: Nice meeting you.

JERRY: Nice meeting you.

(George returns)

GEORGE: What was that all about?

JERRY: They said they were interested in me.

GEORGE: For what?

JERRY: You know, a TV show.

GEORGE: Your own show?

JERRY: Yeah, I guess so.

GEORGE: They want you to do a TV show?

JERRY: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.

GEORGE: Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.

JERRY: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?

GEORGE: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.

JERRY: But gymnastics is not for everybody.

GEORGE: I know, but he's your son.

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.

JERRY: Yeah and...?

GEORGE: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.

JERRY: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.

GEORGE: I know, but antiques are very popular right now.

JERRY: No they're not, they used to be.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, like you know.

JERRY: Oh like you do.

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: ...And you're the manager of the circus.

JERRY: A circus?

KRAMER: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.

JERRY: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.

JERRY: I don't think the network will go for it.

KRAMER: Why not?

JERRY: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.

KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a "can't miss."

NEWMAN:Kramer.

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector.

KRAMER: All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits)

JERRY AND NEWMAN: Yeah, sure.

JERRY: What's this all about?

NEWMAN: We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector.

JERRY: I didn't know you had a motorctcle.

NEWMAN: Well my girlfriend had one.

JERRY: You have a girlfriend?

NEWMAN: I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild.

JERRY: I never remember you with a girl.

NEWMAN: Nevertheless, ...

JERRY: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.

NEWMAN: Don't say anything.

JERRY: All right.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: You know you're getting gypped over here.

KRAMER: Really, Ah,

NEWMAN: We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege.

KRAMER: Oh, stop saying 'reneging".

NEWMAN: Well you're reneging.

KRAMER: I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.

(they try to exchange items but won't let go)

NEWMAN: All right give it to me. let go ...

KRAMER: You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items)

JERRY: Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots!

NEWMAN: Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)

JERRY: Does that thing work?

KRAMER: Nah.

[At Monks]

(Jerry and George enter.)

JERRY: ... I just got a postcard from Elaine?

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks.

GEORGE: I can't believe she got involved with a shrink.

GEORGE: So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?

JERRY: No, nothing.

GEORGE: Why don't they have salsa on the table?

JERRY: What do you need salsa for?

GEORGE: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.

JERRY: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?"

GEORGE: You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."

JERRY: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!"

GEORGE: See, this should be a show. This is the show.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: This. Just talking.

JERRY: (dismissing) Yeah, right.

GEORGE: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

JERRY: Just talking? Well what's the show about?

GEORGE: It's about nothing.

JERRY: No story?

GEORGE: No forget the story.

JERRY: You've got to have a story.

GEORGE: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.

JERRY: And who is on the show? Who are the characters?

GEORGE: I could be a character.

JERRY: You?

GEORGE: Yeah. You could base a character on me.

JERRY: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?

GEORGE: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character."

JERRY: And who else is on the show?

GEORGE: Elaine could be a character. Kramer..

JERRY: Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show.

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: And it's about nothing?

GEORGE: Absolutely nothing.

JERRY: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.

GEORGE: We go into NBC.

JERRY: "We"? Since when are you a writer?

GEORGE: (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com.

JERRY: You want to go with me to NBC?

GEORGE: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

JERRY: What do we got?

GEORGE: An idea.

JERRY: What idea?

GEORGE: An idea for the show.

JERRY: I still don't know what the idea is.

GEORGE: It's about nothing.

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.

JERRY: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."

GEORGE: There you go.

(A moment passes)

JERRY: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer)

JERRY: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.

KRAMER: (Thinks) No, I don't think so.

JERRY: What do you mean you don't think so?

KRAMER: I don't like it.

JERRY: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?

KRAMER: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: well it just doesn't sit well.

JERRY: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.

KRAMER: That's your problem, buddy.

JERRY: I don't understand what the big deal is.

KRAMER: Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.

JERRY: Whatever you want.

KRAMER: I get to play Kramer.

JERRY: You can't play Kramer.

KRAMER: I am Kramer.

JERRY: But you can't act.

KRAMER: Phew!

(Newman enters)

JERRY: Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.

KRAMER: Newman?

NEWMAN:Use me for what?

JERRY: Nothin' What do you want?

NEWMAN:Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange?

KRAMER: Yeah. That's strange.

NEWMAN:A radar detector, as I understand it, DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.

KRAMER: That's queer uh?

NEWMAN: I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET.

KRAMER: Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.

NEWMAN:You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry?

JERRY: Buyer beware.

NEWMAN:Are you going to give me back that helmet or not?

KRAMER: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.

NEWMAN:No, but there's karma, Kramer.

JERRY: Karma Kramer?

NEWMAN:And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits)

[NBC reception area]

(Jerry and George are waiting)

JERRY: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?

GEORGE: (Nervous) Nothing.

JERRY: You sure? You look a little pale.

GEORGE: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.

JERRY: What, are you nervous?

GEORGE: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.

JERRY: This was your idea!

GEORGE: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.

JERRY: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.

GEORGE: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.

JERRY: I told you not to come.

GEORGE: I need some water. I gotta get some water.

JERRY: They'll give us water in there.

GEORGE: Really? That's pretty good.

(Jerry looks into hallway)

JERRY: Oh God, it's Joe Devola.

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine.

JERRY: Oh God he saw me.

DEVOLA: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?

DEVOLA: You're under no obligation to shake my hand.

JERRY: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.

DEVOLA: Why shouldn't I look good?

JERRY: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?

DEVOLA: You want to hit me?

JERRY: What are you doing here?

DEVOLA: I dreopped a script off.

JERRY: AH, GOOD FOR YOU.

(they stare at each other)

JERRY: Well, ...

DEVOLA: You don't have to say anything.

JERRY: No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night.

DEVOLA: Why?

JERRY: Kramer's party.

DEVOLA: Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?

JERRY: No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.

DEVOLA: Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends.

JERRY: No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close.

(Crazy Joe leaves)

JERRY: Give my best to Hinckley.

GEORGE: What was that?

JERRY: I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ...

(before he can dial)

RECEPTIONIST: They're ready for you.

GEORGE: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?

JERRY: Relax. Who are they?

GEORGE: Yeah, they're not better than me.

JERRY: Course not.

GEORGE: Who are they?

JERRY: They're nobody.

GEORGE: What about me?

JERRY: What about you?

GEORGE: Why them? Why not me?

JERRY: Why not you?

GEORGE: I'm as good as them.

JERRY: Better.

GEORGE: You really think so?

JERRY: No.

(The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, four executives stand up)

[NBC president's office]

(Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)

STU: (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny.

GEORGE: The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.

JERRY: Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

RUSSELL: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know?

GEORGE: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.

JERRY: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?

GEORGE: Pepe.

JERRY: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales.

SUSAN: Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?

GEORGE: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.

RUSSELL: So, what have you two come up with?

JERRY: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-

GEORGE: (Interrupting) May I?

JERRY: Go ahead.

GEORGE: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING.

RUSSELL: Nothing?

GEORGE: (Smiling) Nothing.

RUSSELL: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?

GEORGE: The show is about nothing.

JERRY: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.

JERRY: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

(Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone.

RUSSELL: I'll call back.

(Receptionist leaves)

GEORGE:(Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?

RUSSELL: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close.

GEORGE: Is it with a "y"?

RUSSELL: No.

SUSAN: What's the premise?

JERRY: ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.

GEORGE: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping.

RUSSELL: You read? You read on the show?

JERRY: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading.

RUSSELL: All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories?

GEORGE: Oh, no. No stories.

RUSSELL: No stories? So, what is it?

GEORGE: (Showing an example) What'd you do today?

RUSSELL: I got up and came to work.

GEORGE: There's a show. That's a show.

RUSSELL: (Confused) How is that a show?

JERRY: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.

GEORGE: No, no, no. Nothing happens.

JERRY: Well, something happens.

RUSSELL: Well, why am I watching it?

GEORGE: Because it's on TV.

RUSSELL: (Threatening) Not yet.

GEORGE: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?

(A moment passes)

JERRY: (To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus..

[Monks]

JERRY: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

GEORGE: . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.

JERRY: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about?

GEORGE: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.

JERRY: IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!

GEORGE: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.

JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.

GEORGE: Wait a minute let me call Susan.

JERRY: No, no this is more important.

GEORGE: She might be leaving to work any minute.

JERRY: No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party.

GEORGE: No.

(they race to the pay phone)

[Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing]

ELAINE: What is it?

DR. RESTON: I was just thinking about this patient of mine.

ELAINE: What?

DR. RESTON: Just wondering if he's taking his medication.

ELAINE: Well, come on we're on vacation.

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer)

KRAMER: Yeah (to buzzer)

GEORGE: (OC) It's George.

JERRY: And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party.

KRAMER: Whoa, back up a second.

JERRY: Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him.

KRAMER: Why would you think I would invite him?

JERRY: I just a ssumed, ...

KRAMER: Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication.

(George and Susan enter)

GEORGE: Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C.

JERRY: Of course. How are you?

SUSAN: Fine, it's good to see you.

GEORGE: And this is Kramer.

SUSAN: Hello.

GEORGE: All right go ahead Susan, tell him.

JERRY: Tell me what?

SUSAN: Well, I, (phone rings)

JERRY: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.

TEL: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

JERRY: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

TEL: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.

JERRY: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

TEL: No.

JERRY: Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up)

GEORGE: Well, go ahead, tell him.

JERRY: Kramer, are you drinking that milk?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: What's the expiration date on that?

KRAMER: September third.

JERRY: The third?

GEORGE: and SUSAN: The third?

KRAMER: Um, Uh, ugh, ...

SUSAN: Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan)

[Monk's]

GEORGE: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.

JERRY: I think SHE saw it coming.

GEORGE: You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.

JERRY: Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.

GEORGE: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.

JERRY: Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia.

GEORGE: Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.

(Kramer enters with helmet)

JERRY: What happened to you?

KRAMER: Devola came after me.

JERRY: What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened?

KRAMER: Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party."

JERRY: Boy, that is some kick.

KRAMER: Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that.

JERRY: Wow, Newman's helmet.

GEORGE: Holly.

KRAMER: I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next.

JERRY: Me, why?

KRAMER: He doesn't like you.

JERRY: What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me.

KRAMER: Pass the cream.

GEORGE: Wait a second. (smells it). all right.

The End

S4E4 - The Ticket

Broadcast date: September 16, 1992

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kevin Page .......................... Stu

Steve Eastin ........................ Cop #1

David Graf ......................... Cop #2

Al Fann ............................... Judge

Stephen McHattie ............... Psychiatrist (Dr. Reston)

Peter Blood ......................... Jay

Julie Blum ............................ Receptionist

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Bob Balaban ................... Russell Dalrimple

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Jerry's apartment]

(Enter Kramer with one pant leg on)

JERRY: (going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this?

KRAMER: What are you looking for?

JERRY: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place?

KRAMER: No, no, no.

(Jerry notices Kramer's look)

JERRY: All right, what is this?

KRAMER: (clueless) what is what?

JERRY: All right, very funny. I get it.

KRAMER: You're in a weird mood.

JERRY: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.

KRAMER: Fix what?

JERRY: Your pants!

(Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks)

KRAMER: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?

JERRY: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?

KRAMER: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?

JERRY: Go look at your face in the mirror.

KRAMER: Wha-huh-wha-huh...

(door buzzer)

JERRY: (pressing intercom) yeah?

GEORGE: (on intercom) It's George.

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: I don't believe this.

JERRY: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?

KRAMER: No, I swear.

JERRY: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.

(Enter George)

GEORGE: (to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for.

KRAMER: Me?

(George hands Kramer a paper)

GEORGE: Yeah, here you go.

KRAMER: What's this?

GEORGE: A dry-cleaning bill?

JERRY: From that woman at NBC?

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: A dry-cleaning bill for what?

GEORGE: For vomiting on her vest!

KRAMER: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose!

GEORGE: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!

KRAMER: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Yeah, your milk.

JERRY: (pointing Kramer) He drank it.

KRAMER: I didn't know.

JERRY: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: How much was it to clean the vest?

GEORGE: Eighteen dollars.

JERRY: Can you get vomit out of suede?

GEORGE: I don't know.

KRAMER: Yo-yo Ma!

JERRY: What? Yo-yo Ma?

KRAMER: What about him?

JERRY: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.

GEORGE: What's Yo-yo Ma?

JERRY: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today.

GEORGE: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars.

JERRY: I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill.

GEORGE: I know!

JERRY: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?

GEORGE: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!

GEORGE: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now.

KRAMER: Jeez!

GEORGE: Anyway.

(Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.)

JERRY: (interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea.

GEORGE: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?

JERRY: I don't know about sixty.

GEORGE: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?

JERRY: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?

GEORGE: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'

JERRY: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!

GEORGE: Oh!

JERRY: You know, I think he wears a piece.

GEORGE: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

[Street]

JERRY: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it.

(He throws his watch in the trash can beside him)

GEORGE: What, is that the one your parents gave you?

JERRY: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.

GEORGE: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.

JERRY: I'll pay for it.

GEORGE: It's not the money!

JERRY: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience?

(Both raise their arm to signal a cab.)

LEO: Jerry!

JERRY: Uncle Leo!

LEO: Helloooo!

JERRY: Hello there, how're you doing?

LEO: Ha ha! How are you?

JERRY: Good, good.

LEO: How's your mom and dad?

JERRY: Good, fine.

LEO: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore!

JERRY: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.

LEO: You know where I just came from?

(He grabs Jerry's forearm.)

Danny Barma.

JERRY: (not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny.

LEO: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time!

(Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.)

JERRY: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.

(George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.)

LEO: The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me: 'You need any pajamas?'

JERRY: (interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going.

LEO: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.

JERRY: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC.

LEO: Nobody got a gun to your head!

JERRY: (seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.

LEO: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment.

JERRY: I'm sorry, really.

LEO: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!

JERRY: Sorry, really.

(Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and puts it on. He walks away.)

[Hall out of Kramer's apartment]

(Newman knocks on Kramer's door)

KRAMER: (from inside) Yeah?

NEWMAN: Come on, are you ready? Let's go!

(Straightens his tie)

(Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.)

KRAMER: For what?

NEWMAN: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.

KRAMER: what about?

NEWMAN: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today.

KRAMER: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.

NEWMAN: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.

KRAMER: Well, I can't!

NEWMAN: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!!

KRAMER: Shut up! I'll get my coat!

[Newman enters Kramer's apartment]

KRAMER: Don't step on anything.

[NBC's waiting room]

JERRY: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.

GEORGE: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.

JERRY: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'

GEORGE: Look at this.

JERRY: Why didn't you shave this morning?

GEORGE: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because of the day before. It's a long story.

(Jerry looks down the hall.)

Can't get back on schedule.

JERRY: Is that Joe Davola?

(Jerry crouches in his seat)

GEORGE: It's not him!

JERRY: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.

Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.

JERRY: Oh.

(They get up)

GEORGE: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here?

(They walk toward the office)

JERRY: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.

GEORGE: Okay. A little.

[Courthouse waiting room]

NEWMAN: Okay, you're all set? You got your story?

KRAMER: No.

NEWMAN: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.

KRAMER: Uhm...

NEWMAN: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide.

(Pause; they're thinking)

KRAMER: I never had an air conditioner.

NEWMAN: No! That's no reason to kill yourself!

KRAMER: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?

NEWMAN: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself.

KRAMER: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself.

NEWMAN: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else.

KRAMER: I was never able to become a banker.

(Newman has a revelation.)

NEWMAN: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live.

NEWMAN: You must be banker.

KRAMER: MUST be banker.

NEWMAN (satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story.

[NBC office]

(I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting the commercials. If so, please complete.)

GEORGE: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.

(George is the only one laughing)

RUSSEL: And people really have to care about the characters.

GEORGE: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in?

JERRY: Wouldn't tune in.

GEORGE: Would they tune in?

JERRY: No tune.

RUSSEL: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down.

GEORGE: The show will be like a heart attack!

JERRY: Just a huge massive coronary.

RUSSEL: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now.

GEORGE: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.

JERRY: He couldn't believe it.

GEORGE: (Laughs, snorts) I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?'

(Jerry and George laugh)

[Courtroom]

Police officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide.

JUDGE: And then what happened?

Police officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream: 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.'

[NBC office]

RUSSEL: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you.

(George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, nonstop)

GEORGE: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.

JERRY: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.

GEORGE: Yeah!

Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?

(Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.)

(Jerry gets it, pokes George.)

JERRY: Your off-Broadway play.

GEORGE: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.

JERRY: (backs his story) Hmm, hmm.

GEORGE: That's my vow to you.

RUSSEL: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.

(the lady is Susan)

(George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop)

GEORGE: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure.

JERRY: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah.

RUSSEL: (gets up) So, let's make a pilot.

(Hand shakes)

[Courtroom]

NEWMAN: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.

JUDGE: I don't understand.

NEWMAN: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...

KRAMER: (interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma!

NEWMAN: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.

JUDGE: So then he didn't kill himself.

NEWMAN: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today

(Stands up, points to Kramer.) (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate my entire testimony.

[NBC's waiting room]

(Jerry and George are coming out of the office)

GEORGE: See?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh!

JERRY: Now, all we gotta do is write it.

GEORGE: Yes! How're we gonna do that?

(Enter Susan)

SUSAN: Hey! Congratulations!

JERRY: Thanks.

GEORGE: Oh, thank you.

JERRY: Thank you, thanks.

GEORGE: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me.

SUSAN: No.

Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.

JERRY: Phone call? Who knows I'm here?

(He picks up the phone)

Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about pajamas!

GEORGE: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance.

SUSAN: Oh, it was only vomit.

GEORGE: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning.

SUSAN: Oh no-no, it's okay. comment from transcriber: yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?

GEORGE: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money.

SUSAN: Well, it was eighteen dollars.

GEORGE: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend.

SUSAN: Yeah. Call me.

GEORGE: All right, great.

SUSAN: Bye.

JERRY: Bye thanks.

GEORGE: (chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: I offered to pay. She should've said no.

JERRY: She did, you insisted.

GEORGE: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.

JERRY: Nah!

GEORGE: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?

JERRY: oh, I d-I don't know. I d---

GEORGE: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.

JERRY: Okay.

GEORGE: (excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.

[Coffee shop]

GEORGE: Thirteen thousand?

JERRY: Thirteen thousand.

GEORGE: a piece?

JERRY: No, for both!

GEORGE: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.

JERRY: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?

GEORGE: Well, he does.

JERRY: You're nuts!

GEORGE: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?

JERRY: He's somebody.

GEORGE: What about me?

JERRY: You're nobody.

GEORGE: Why him? Why not me?

JERRY: He's good, you're not.

GEORGE: I'm better than him.

JERRY: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!

GEORGE: (crouches too) What? Where? Where?

JERRY: Outside! I saw him outside!

[Europe]

(Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, then stops.)

ELAINE: what is it?

BOYFRIEND: Oh, it's this patient.

ELAINE: (sighing) Again?

BOYFRIEND: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication.

ELAINE: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days.

BOYFRIEND: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous.

(Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.)

[Coffee shop]

JERRY: Go outside and see if he's still there.

GEORGE: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.

JERRY: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.

(A cop sits down at the counter.)

GEORGE: Tell the cop.

JERRY: Good idea.

(Walks to counter)

Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.

COP: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.

JERRY: Thanks.

(Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.)

JERRY: (back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life.

(Looks over at the cop)

Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?!

GEORGE: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.

(Jerry gets up and walks to the counter)

JERRY: (bossy) What are you doing?

COP: What?

JERRY: What, are you ordering food now?

COP: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.

JERRY: What happened to the muffin?

COP: I got a little hungry.

JERRY: All of a sudden you get hungry?

COP: Yeah! You got a problem with that?

JERRY: No! Enjoy your lunch.

(Goes back toward the booth and stops.)

You know a muffin can be very filling.

(Keeps walking to the booth) (to George) He's getting a sandwich now!

GEORGE: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.

JERRY: All of a sudden he gets hungry.

GEORGE: You know, a muffin can be very filling.

JERRY: I know!

[Courtroom]

NEWMAN: (interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th?

KRAMER: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?

NEWMAN: You know what I mean.

KRAMER: (to Judge) I was very upset that day.

NEWMAN: And why was that?

KRAMER: (to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk!

NEWMAN: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.

KRAMER: All right.

NEWMAN: Okay.

KRAMER: (to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.

NEWMAN: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside.

KRAMER: (not convincing) Uh, yeah.

NEWMAN: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you...

JUDGE: Mister Newman.

NEWMAN: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.

JUDGE: Uh, continue.

NEWMAN: As you were saying, Mister Kramer...

KRAMER: What was the question?

NEWMAN: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.

KRAMER: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'

NEWMAN: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?

KRAMER: I don't know.

NEWMAN: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true?

JUDGE: Uh, could you get to the speeding?

NEWMAN: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?

KRAMER: (puzzled) Phone call?

NEWMAN: Yes, a phone call!

KRAMER: From who?

NEWMAN: From me!

KRAMER: From you?

NEWMAN: Yes, from me!! I called you remember?

KRAMER: You called me?

NEWMAN: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?

KRAMER: what?

NEWMAN: You were going to...

(Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman can)

You were going to do something

(Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around) to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!

JUDGE: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---

NEWMAN: Yes, the banker!!!

KRAMER: What banking?

NEWMAN: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...

JUDGE: That's enough already.

NEWMAN: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught.

KRAMER: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!

NEWMAN: (to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure.

JUDGE: That'll be seventy-five dollars.

NEWMAN: (Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!

(They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.)

[Coffee shop]

JERRY: Do you see him?

GEORGE: I'm not* sure.

JERRY: Well, either you see him or you don't.

GEORGE: All right. I don't.

JERRY: (looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!

GEORGE: What's with this guy?

(Jerry walks to the counter)

JERRY: (still bossy) Did you just order coffee?

COP: Yeah.

JERRY: This is really too much.

COP: What is your problem?

JERRY: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes.

COP: Well, you're just gonna have to wait.

(Enter Kramer and Newman)

KRAMER: Never said anything about the banking.

NEWMAN: You're off your rocker.

JERRY: Hey you guys!

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: What are you doing here?

KRAMER: What are YOU doing here?

JERRY: Hey, is Davola outside?

KRAMER: Davola?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: No, I didn't see him.

NEWMAN: Crazy Joe Davola?

GEORGE: (reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.

JERRY: Eleven dollars for what?

GEORGE: Muffin, sandwich and coffee!

JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot.

KRAMER: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh?

JERRY: No.

NEWMAN: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?

GEORGE: What's the difference? The money is not important.

JERRY: (looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car?

NEWMAN: Yeah.

JERRY: I think you're getting a ticket.

NEWMAN: Deh!

KRAMER: Run, run! Go, go, go!

(Newman runs outside)

NEWMAN: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.

KRAMER: I saw the whole thing!

JERRY: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot.

GEORGE: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.

JERRY: Oh, like you know what you're talking about!

GEORGE: No, YOU do!

The End

S4E5 - The Wallet (1)

Broadcast date: September 23, 1992

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode

with Episode 46 - The Watch (2)

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ...................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stephen McHattie .............. Dr. Reston

David Sage ........................ Dr. Dembrow

Susan Ilene Johnson ........... Nurse

Denise Dowse .................... Receptionist

Brian Leckner .................... Attendant

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

My parents had two constant arguments, while ah, they were driving, over either how fast my father was going, or how much gas was left in the tank.  My father had a standard defense for either one of these, it was always, that's because you're looking at it from an angle.  If you were over here -- it looks from where you're sitting, it looks like I'm doing 90 on empty... but that's because you're over there.  If you were over here you'd know I'm in the driveway with a full tank.?  (makes the steering wheel motion with hands)

[In Jerry's Car]

JERRY: So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.

HELEN: And they liked the idea?

JERRY: Yeah.

MORTY: What'ya got leather seats here?

HELEN: Since when is George a writer?

JERRY: What writer? It's a sitcom.

HELEN: This is so exciting. When are you going to sign the contract?

JERRY: Soon, there's a couple of problems.

MORTY: Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.

JERRY: What do you expect? It's airline food.

MORTY: They give you that Fish.

JERRY: How could you eat fish on a plane?

MORTY: because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.

HELEN: What kind of problems?

JERRY: Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.

HELEN: What? He's not even working.

MORTY: George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks.

HELEN: Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.

JERRY: We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.

[George's car]

GEORGE: So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.

SUSAN: Yu - you're passing?

GEORGE: Well, it's . . . much too low.

SUSAN: Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?

GEORGE: tsh (snorts) Ah, yeah, we've - we've talked . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.

SUSAN: Well be-because you know that, because this is your first show it's a pretty standard deal.

GEORGE: Standard?

SUSAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

SUSAN: Ted Danson?

GEORGE: You know, the guy from Cheers.

SUSAN: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.

GEORGE: I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

SUSAN: All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.

GEORGE: You tell Russell.

SUSAN: Oh, um, before I forget, . . . Cuban cigars. It's a present from my father.

GEORGE: Oh... do I have to write him a note or something?

SUSAN: Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.

GEORGE: Well what would I say in the note?

SUSAN: Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something.

GEORGE: Oh-ohf (snorts) yeah, I'm a writer. (laughs)

[Jerry's car at gas station]

HELEN: Were you waiting long at the gate?

JERRY: Um, I don't even know?

HELEN: Where's that watch we bought you?

JERRY: Oh uh ...

(Flashback to street)

JERRY: That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)

GEORGE: Wha-Is that the one your parents gave you?

JERRY: Yeah, but it never works.

(Back to present day in car at gas station)

JERRY: . . . it's uh, being fixed.

MORTY: I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where we got it.

JERRY: It's at the jeweler.

MORTY: You send me the bill.

JERRY: I'm not sending you the bill.

HELEN: That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.

GAS STATION ATTENDANT: That's uh, $18.50.

MORTY: Here, I got it.

JERRY: What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.

MORTY: No, no put it away . . .

JERRY: Dad!

MORTY: Stop it.

JERRY: I have money. I make money.

MORTY: Yeah, yeah, you make money.

JERRY: You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?

HELEN: No, I don't think that.

JERRY: Yes you do. That's what you both think.

MORTY: I'm paying.

JERRY: Dad I'm paying.

MORTY: Get out of here.

JERRY: You're not paying.

(both fighting to pay - trying to hand cash out the window)

MORTY: Now Jerry please, do not do this to your father.  Over my dead body Jerry.  I'll tell you right now, you're not going to do it.

JERRY: No don't do this.  You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No.

[Jerry's apartment -- Jerry is carrying two suitcases, Morty carries one]

JERRY: Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?

MORTY: Nothing nothing.

JERRY: Leave it. What about your back?

HELEN: Morty, what are you doing?

MORTY: All right, all right.

JERRY: You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.

(Kramer enters -- he has a bandage on his left temple)

KRAMER: Hey, Morty.

MORTY: Hey, Mr. Kramer. Ha ha ha.

KRAMER: Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hi

HELEN: Ha, ha, ha Oh, What happened to you?

KRAMER: Oh, ah, well some guy kicked me in the side of the head.

HELEN: What guy?

KRAMER: Ah, w-Crazy Joe Devola.

HELEN: Why?

KRAMER: Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off.

JERRY: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?

JERRY: I didn't know he wasn't invited.

MORTY: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?

HELEN: So why did you say anything?

JERRY: It was a mistake.

MORTY: They're good around the house -- and they're good for outside.

HELEN: Are you okay?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week, huh Jerry -- Yeah but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion

HELEN: So what's the matter with this Devola guy?

JERRY: He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now.

JERRY: Kramer!!

HELEN: He's what?!

JERRY: He's joking.

HELEN: He's after you?

JERRY: Nooo.

HELEN: Why is he after you?

JERRY: He's not after me.

HELEN: Morty, do you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.

MORTY: I'll make a few phone calls.

JERRY: Who you gonna to call?

MORTY: What are you worried about?

HELEN: I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.

JERRY: I didn't do anything.

HELEN: Well you must have done something.

JERRY: No, he just doesn't like me.

HELEN: Doesn't like you?  How could anyone not like you?

JERRY: You know it seems impossible.

HELEN: Doesn't - doesn't like you? How could that be?

JERRY: Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.

HELEN: Huh, Jerry, don't say that.

JERRY: It's true.

HELEN: No, it isn't!  it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty?

MORTY: Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that.

HELEN: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?

JERRY: Um, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed.

KRAMER: When you getting it back?

JERRY: Uh, next week.

KRAMER: Next week? How come it's takin' so long?

JERRY: Huh?

KRAMER: I said how come it's takin' so long?

JERRY: I don't know. They're, backed up.

KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?

JERRY: Where'd I take it?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board)  Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay?

KRAMER: What? Jimmy Sherman?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.

JERRY: No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him.

KRAMER: No, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.

JERRY: I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.

KRAMER: Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. You see.

MORTY: Bring me the receipt.

KRAMER: I get that too. (exits)

JERRY: Be right back. (follows Kramer out)

[In the hallway]

(Jerry hits Kramer on the back as he is going in to his apartment.  Kramer spits out some Pepsi as he spins around to talk with Jerry.)

JERRY: There's no watch ... I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it.  So don't mention it again, okay!

KRAMER: Y-Yeah, all right.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: Wait, wait, . . .y-yea, w-no dit dit g- (Kramer noises)

(Jerry re-enters his own apartment)

HELEN: What was that about?

KRAMER: Oh, no, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.

HELEN: How can anyone not like him.

[Back at the doctor's office]

MORTY: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out.

(she hands him a clip board with some forms)

MORTY: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.

RECEPTIONIST: I know. It's very long.

MORTY: Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. Whydo they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. (hu hu) My back was fine.

HELEN: Well, it's not the sofa.

MORTY: You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.

HELEN: We got it from Sullivan's. It's a good store.

MORTY: Well one day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued.  I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.

HELEN: Leo says he's the best there is.

MORTY: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!

HELEN: Well you're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?

MORTY: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

RECEPTIONIST: Julie, you want to take him back?

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: You what? You passed? How could you do that?

GEORGE: ahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so naïve. You are so, so naïve. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating.  Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business.

JERRY: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.

GEORGE: Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show.

JERRY: We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?

GEORGE: Ohooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!

JERRY: Well, I think you're wrong.

GEORGE: Well, we'll just see.

JERRY: Yes we will.

GEORGE: Yes we will.

JERRY: I just said that.

GEORGE: I know you did.

JERRY: So good for you.

GEORGE: So good for you.

JERRY: What are you repeating everything I'm saying?

GEORGE: What are you repeating everything I'm saying?

JERRY: Well George is an idiot.

GEORGE: Well George . . . .

[Doctor's examination room]

MORTY: All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . .(open the door and shouts into the hallway) Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me.

HELEN: (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you.

MORTY: Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.

HELEN: Well the doctor must be busy.

MORTY: Well then what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. Huh, hha. Look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel.

(a nurse walks in the room)

NURSE: Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.

MORTY: I thought you forgot about me.

NURSE: We didn't forget.

(pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band)

MORTY: HaAhhh! The Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.

NURSE: Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.

MORTY: Leave all my stuff here?

NURSE: Leave it.

(They exit)

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: Oh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.

JERRY: No I don't want ?em.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?

GEORGE: Here you go.

KRAMER: Cigars? (hits the box)

GEORGE: Yeah, Cubans.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah?

GEORGE: Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy ?em anywhere.

KRAMER: Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)

(Kramer puts a cigar in his mouth then goes and sits at the table -- George gets a jar of peanut butter from the fridge and stands at the kitchen counter opening it.)

(Intercom Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah?

VOICE: Federal Express.

JERRY: Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.

KRAMER: Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building.

JERRY: You think so?

KRAMER: Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer.

JERRY: So you want to just abolish all home package deliveries.

KRAMER: Yes. It's dangerous.

(Knock on the door)

KRAMER: wait det doit ... dit  (Kramer noises -- he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine)

JERRY: Who is it?

Voice: Federal Express.

KRAMER: Okay, ... gidg gi gt  (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble)

(Jerry opens the door -- it's Elaine)

ALL: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

(Lots of running in place from Jerry, Elaine and George -- with joy and excitement and hands clapping - Elaine jumps into Jerry's arms and hugs him, then turns to George and gives him a big hug with pats on the back -- then turns to Kramer and hugs him.)

KRAMER: I want one of those!

ELAINE: Hiiii Kramer

KRAMER: Oh yes

ELAINE: Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.

KRAMER: Well I came back for you.

ELAINE: Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)

JERRY: I missed you.

ELAINE: Really? You really missed me?

JERRY: Yeah, . . . seriously.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, me to miss -- I miss.

JERRY: Yeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide)

ELAINE: Ahhhhhh haa ha ha

KRAMER: Hey, I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match.

ELAINE: Oh god, Who's suitcase is this?

JERRY: Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.

ELAINE: Oh, god, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.

(Elaine tosses her purse down and goes to the refrigerator and gets a bottled water)

GEORGE: Boy, you look really great.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: You lie.

GEORGE: No, no you really look great.

ELAINE: Hu hu, ha ha ha.

JERRY: So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?

ELAINE: Oh, he's fine.

JERRY: Things are good?

ELAINE: Yeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs)

JERRY: Uh oh.

ELAINE: What, Uh oh?

JERRY: Did you see that?

GEORGE: Yeah, I saw it.

(George grabs the jar of peanut butter from the kitchen counter -- he goes and sits on the couch -- he proceeds to sit quietly and eat from the jar of peanut butter.)

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: It's a tell. You gotta tell.

ELAINE: What tell? What's a tell?

JERRY: When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.

ELAINE: Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?

JERRY: Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out.  (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands)

ELAINE: How high did I go?

GEORGE: You almost did the nose.

JERRY: What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George)

GEORGE: What? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.

JERRY: (To George) You're off bread.  (To Elaine) So what happened is it over?

(Jerry puts the lid on the peanut butter jar and put's it back in the fridge.)

ELAINE: No not quite.

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: Well he was my psychiatrist, you know. I mean, he knows all my patterns. He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.

GEORGE: What do you mean - "Not letting you?"

ELAINE: He has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.

JERRY: Svengali.

ELAINE: What did I say?

JERRY: Svenjolly.

ELAINE: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.

JERRY: George?

GEORGE: Svenjolly. (licking a little bit of peanut butter from his finger)

ELAINE: I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.

JERRY: Well maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you.

(Elaine makes a face with her jaw going up and down like she is saying laa, laa, laa, laa, laa; Kramer enters)

KRAMER: You know I can't find a match anywhere.

GEORGE: You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing  somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.

ELAINE: No, it's not going to work with this guy.

GEORGE: No, you just tell him ah, an old boyfriend has come back into your life.

ELAINE: I don't think so.

JERRY: Nice try.

GEORGE: Took a shot.

KRAMER: This is a good cigar (hair is on fire, white smoke pouring from the back of his head) . . . . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom, his arms in the air -- he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom)

[Doctor's examining room. Morty enters]

MORTY: So, when do I get to see the doctor?

NURSE: He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)

MORTY: (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. (opens door, shouts into the hallway) MY WALLET'S GONE!  MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.

NURSE: Are you sure?

MORTY: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray, Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?

(doctor enters)

DR. DEMBROW: Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow, I've been going over your X-rays.

MORTY: I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there.

DR. DEMBROW: Well, I don't see how something like that could have happened.

MORTY: Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me.

HELEN: (enters) What's going on?

MORTY: They stole my wallet.

HELEN: What?

MORTY: Yeah, while I was in getting X-Rayed.

DR. DEMBROW: All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays?

MORTY: What kind of clip joint are ya running here?

DR. DEMBROW: All right, fine. (leaves)

HELEN: The least you could have done was heard your diagnosis.

MORTY: I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.

HELEN: You came all the way from Florida to see him.

MORTY: I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me.

[Dr. Reston's office]

ELAINE: I'm sorry but there's somebody else.

DR. RESTON: Umm hm.

ELAINE: Well it's, nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just, kind of happened.

DR. RESTON: Tell me about him.

ELAINE: Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy, Really.

DR. RESTON: Yes, well I assumed he's a guy.

ELAINE: Right...

DR. RESTON: And you've known him how long?

ELAINE: . . . Years. Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know ehghh happened.

DR. RESTON: You mean sexually?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.

(phone rings)

ELAINE: I think your um ... (points at the phone)

DR. RESTON: Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo.  Uh, no it's just east of Madison. Around 4:00 will be fine. All right Bobo ... see you then. (hangs up) . . . I'm sorry where were we?

ELAINE: Well, I was just um, telling you about this, other guy.

DR. RESTON: Mm. Elaine ...

ELAINE: Yeah

DR. RESTON: Do you remember your dream, where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) Mm-hm.

DR. RESTON: Elaine, I'm concerned about you.

ELAINE: Oh, no no no no, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm - I'm good. I'm - I'm very good, I mean I'm really very, very good.

DR. RESTON: Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again?

ELAINE: . . . no.

DR. RESTON: And how often have you been seeing, um . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?

ELAINE: H-his name?

DR. RESTON: Yes, his name.

ELAINE: Um, well what's the difference?

DR. RESTON: Are you afraid to tell me his name?

ELAINE: No, no, I just - I just don't see how that's relevant.

DR. RESTON: It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how.

ELAINE: Uh, his name, um, I don't  - I don't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll - I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.

DR. RESTON: Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name?

ELAINE: Oh, I'm - I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.

DR. RESTON: Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.

ELAINE: What?

DR. RESTON: I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It's very important that I speak to him.

ELAINE: Oh, oh no, no no no, I can't do that.

DR. RESTON: You can do it and you will do it.

ELAINE: No, I can't.

DR. RESTON: You can and you will.

ELAINE: Okay, okay.  Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call.

[Restaurant]

JERRY: So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?

MORTY: I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

HELEN: Why did you leave your wallet in your pants?

MORTY: What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere?

HELEN: You could've taken it with you.

MORTY: Oh, yeah, I'll be lying on an X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth.

(Leo enters)

LEO: Hello...

JERRY: Hi Uncle Leo.

LEO: I just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.

MORTY: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.

LEO: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.

MORTY: All right, Leo.

LEO: And you walked out without paying.

MORTY: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.

LEO: Well, I hope you send him a check.

MORTY: What for?

LEO: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.

MORTY: That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that?

LEO: I said it once.

MORTY: Twice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.

(Leo does a little chair dance in his seat -- Mocking Morty with his hands and mouth)

HELEN: Leo, where did you get that watch?

LEO: You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch?

HELEN: Morty, doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry.

(Morty reaches across the table at the watch on Leo's wrist)

JERRY: Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. .

HELEN: Let me see that.

(looking at watch)

JERRY: Could we continue this another time.

[Closing monologue]

Don't you hate "to be continued's" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. Then there's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?"

(To be continued . . . )

S4E6 - The Watch (2)

Broadcast date: September 30, 1992

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode.

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stephen McHattie .............. Dr. Reston

Jessica Lundy ..................... Naomi

Christopher Carroll ........... Maitre d'

Lewis Dauber .................... Doorman

Mimi Craven ...................... Cynthia

rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: Bob Balaban .................. Russell Dalrimple

rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

rc: Heidi Swedberg ........... Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Peter Crombie .............. Crazy" Joe Davola?

==================================================================

[Montage]

(The episode opens with a series of clips from 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' and 'TheWallet', illustrating the story so far. A rough precis would be: George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.)

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?

[Restaurant]

(Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.)

MORTY: (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day.

JERRY: Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.

(Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. Helen watches her.)

HELEN: (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.

JERRY: She's okay.

HELEN: Just okay?

JERRY: She's nice.

HELEN: She's better than nice.

JERRY: She's all right.

HELEN: She's beautiful.

JERRY: She's not beautiful.

HELEN: I think she's beautiful.

JERRY: So you ask her out.

HELEN: I'm not gonna ask her out.

JERRY: Why not?

HELEN: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.

JERRY: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.

HELEN: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.

JERRY: I think that's a little extreme.

LEO: (grudgingly) She's awright.

MORTY: (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this.

[George's Car]

GEORGE: He said what?

SUSAN: "The hell with them."

GEORGE: "The hell with them?"

SUSAN: Those were his exact words.

GEORGE: (worried) Oh boy.

SUSAN: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?"

GEORGE: (still worried) He was pretty emphatic?

SUSAN: Pounded on his desk.

GEORGE: Pounded?

SUSAN: (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer.

GEORGE: (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end.

SUSAN: You said it was insulting.

GEORGE: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.

SUSAN: Well, there's nothing I can do.

GEORGE: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it?

SUSAN: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games.

GEORGE: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?

SUSAN: You'll have to wait til Monday.

GEORGE: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?

SUSAN: (laugh) I can't give you his address.

(George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.)

SUSAN: Give it back!

GEORGE: Gimme the purse!

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch. )

ELAINE: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.

ELAINE: Okay.

KRAMER: Have we been intimate?

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.

KRAMER: Alright, how often do we do it?

ELAINE: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?

KRAMER: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.

ELAINE: Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay?

KRAMER: (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)

ELAINE: Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?

KRAMER: I know what I'm gonna say.

ELAINE: No, no, but I would like to hear it.

KRAMER: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it.

(Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.)

ELAINE: (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him.

KRAMER: (playing with his hair) Talk to him.

ELAINE: Hey, how's your hair?

KRAMER: Oh, well, yeah, it's good.

ELAINE: (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer.

KRAMER: (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.

ELAINE: (mouths silently) Okay.

(Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.)

KRAMER: (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land...

(He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he doing?' look.)

KRAMER: ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...

ELAINE: (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends.

KRAMER: ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends...

(Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going.)

KRAMER: ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...

(Elaine smiles.)

KRAMER: ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.

(Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.)

ELAINE: (mouths silently) That's perfect!

KRAMER: If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.

(Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's doing so well.)

KRAMER: Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)

(Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.)

KRAMER: ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible...

(Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.)

KRAMER: (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh...

(Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee. Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.)

KRAMER: ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long.

(Kramer hangs up the phone.)

ELAINE: What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here?

KRAMER: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.

ELAINE: (horrified) Get together!!

KRAMER: He wants to talk.

ELAINE: Well, why didn't you say no!!

KRAMER: (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting.

(Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.)

ELAINE: (frustration) Ugh!

[Restaurant]

(Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.)

NAOMI: Did you enjoy your poisson?

HELEN: It was... different.

NAOMI: (to Jerry) And how was yours?

JERRY: Ah, very good.

NAOMI: You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy.

JERRY: No thanks, just the check.

(Naomi leaves.)

HELEN: What's the matter with you?

JERRY: What?

HELEN: Why didn't you flirt with her?

JERRY: Come on.

HELEN: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?

JERRY: What am I gonna say?

HELEN: You just sat there.

JERRY: Well, you made me uncomfortable.

HELEN: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?

LEO: (to Morty) Where's the bathroom?

JERRY: In the back, on your right.

(Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war develops.)

JERRY: Dad!

MORTY: Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.

HELEN: Jerry.

JERRY: Will you let me pay just once.

MORTY: You're out of your mind.

JERRY: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!

MORTY: Don't worry about it.

JERRY: What're you gonna do?

MORTY: What's the difference, we'll figure something out.

HELEN: (to Jerry) You're not paying.

(Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check.)

JERRY: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom.

(Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it too.)

MORTY: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?

[Restaurant Bathroom]

(Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the mirror. )

LEO: They give you some portion here, huh?

JERRY: Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting.

LEO: (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.

JERRY: So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?

LEO: Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you.

JERRY: Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.

LEO: Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these.

(Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace with him.)

JERRY: Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one.

LEO: (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)

(Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm.)

JERRY: (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you.

[Apartment Building Lobby]

(A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George stands beside him.)

DOORMAN: (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you.

GEORGE: Costanza. Costanza.

DOORMAN: (into phone) George Costanza.

GEORGE: The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.

DOORMAN: (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday.

(A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls it down so's he can speak into it. )

GEORGE: (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you!

DOORMAN: Excuse me.

GEORGE: It's about the show. It... No, it was...

DOORMAN: Excuse me.

GEORGE: ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple.

(George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.)

DOORMAN: (into phone) Very good, sir.

(A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward Russell Dalrimple's apartment.)

[Restaurant]

(Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks with an approximate French accent.)

MORTY: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.

MAITRE D': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?

MORTY: No, no, he won't let me do that.

MAITRE D': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly?

MORTY: He could wash them.

MAITRE D': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.

MORTY: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!

MAITRE D': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?

MORTY: You don't understand my...

MAITRE D': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.

[Street Corner]

Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.

ELAINE: Now look, don't take too long.

KRAMER: (looking around) Look at this building. What is this?

ELAINE: I don't know. It's a building.

KRAMER: (indicating) The door's on a diagonal.

ELAINE: So what?

KRAMER: (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect.

ELAINE: (frustrated) Just go.

(Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.)

[Russell Dalrimple's Apartment]

(Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She looks haughty and bored throughout the scene.)

GEORGE: (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything.

RUSSELL: We were about to sit down to dinner.

(George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.)

RUSSELL: (indicating) This is Cynthia.

GEORGE: (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?

RUSSELL: No.

GEORGE: Looks like veal.

RUSSELL: It's not veal.

GEORGE: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)

RUSSELL: Who gave you my address?

GEORGE: No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.

(Russell closes the door.)

GEORGE: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted.

(Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.)

GEORGE: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.

RUSSELL: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show?

(Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table. As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.)

GEORGE: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.

CYNTHIA: (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.

GEORGE: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...

RUSSELL: Blossom's on Monday.

GEORGE: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter)

RUSSELL: Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team.

GEORGE: (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh?  Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right?

(George is opening the door.)

RUSSELL: Alright, now look. These deals are already made.

(George closes the door and turns back to Russell.)

GEORGE: Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...

(George opens the door, and is halfway through.)

RUSSELL: Mister Costanza.

(George re-enters again.)

GEORGE: Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway...

(George is halfway through the door again.)

CYNTHIA: (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat?

RUSSELL: (to George) Alright. Eight thousand.

GEORGE: (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.

(George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal George.)

GEORGE: May I just use your bathroom for a moment?

[Restaurant Bathroom]

(Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.)

JERRY: Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!

LEO: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.

JERRY: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!

LEO: (indicating) I've never seen a band like this.

JERRY: Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!

LEO: You have it on you?

JERRY: Yeah, I think I do.

(Jerry fetches out his wallet.)

JERRY: (under his breath) This is unbelievable.

(Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the bathroom opens and Morty enters.)

MORTY: What the hell is going on here?

[Dr Reston's Office]

(On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces himself to Dr Reston.)

KRAMER: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.

RESTON: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in.

KRAMER: Thank you.

RESTON: Please, sit down.

(Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each other, he crosses his legs.)

KRAMER: (quiet) Okay.

(Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed legs sitting position.)

RESTON: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything?

KRAMER: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?

RESTON: I don't think we have that.

KRAMER: Well, that's a little strange.

RESTON: Uh, why does that surprise you?

KRAMER: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink

RESTON: This is an office.

KRAMER: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...

RESTON: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...

KRAMER: ...Okay, yes, shoot.

RESTON: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.

KRAMER: Oh, alrighty uh...

(He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from the leather)

KRAMER: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation.

RESTON: Is it?

KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it.

[Street Corner]

(Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe Davola, singing as he goes.)

DAVOLA: (singing) '...Travelling along...'

(Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in.)

ELAINE/DAVOLA: '...singing a song, side by side...'

(Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees, and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.)

ELAINE: Wow. You really have a terrible voice.

DAVOLA: Do I know you?

ELAINE: Uhh, I don't think so.

DAVOLA: 'Cos you really look familiar.

ELAINE: Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount

Rushmore.

DAVOLA: Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale.

ELAINE: Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt.

DAVOLA: Oh really.

ELAINE: Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.

(They laugh and smile at each other.)

[Dr. Reston's Office]

(Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.)

KRAMER: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right.

RESTON: I'm glad we agree.

KRAMER: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans.

RESTON: I'd love one.

(Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.)

KRAMER: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple.

(Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.)

RESTON: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone...

KRAMER: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.

RESTON: ...About anything. You have my number.

KRAMER: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.

(Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.)

KRAMER: Mmm, these are good, huh?

(Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.)

KRAMER: (quiet) Oh.

(Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.)

[Street Corner]

(Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a piece of paper.)

ELAINE: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you?

DAVOLA: No, I don't think so.

(Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.)

[Restaurant]

(Naomi is handing her card to Jerry.)

JERRY: I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this.

NAOMI: (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here.

JERRY: Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.

NAOMI: (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.

JERRY: Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin?

NAOMI: Why?

JERRY: They eat fish.

(Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent. Jerry leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief on his face.)

[Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office]

(A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens and Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks away, relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling happily.)

[Street Corner]

(Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.)

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: What happened? What took you so long?

KRAMER: Hey, he's a terrific guy.

ELAINE: Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say?

KRAMER: Well, we talked about a lot of things.

(The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office.)

ELAINE (O.C.): You talked about a lot of things? Well...

KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah.

ELAINE (O.C.): Did you talk about us?

(Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window fade up.)

DAVOLA (O.C.): I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her

name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

RESTON (O.C.): Did you say Elaine?

[Middle Monologue]

JERRY: How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!"

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing packing.)

MORTY: You shoulda told me it didn't work.

JERRY: I know, I know.

HELEN: You didn't have to throw it out.

JERRY: I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am.

(The buzzer sounds.)

HELEN: Oh, that must be Leo.

JERRY: I woulda taken you to the airport.

HELEN: He has nothing to do.

JERRY: Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?

GEORGE (O.S.): It's George.

JERRY: Come on up. (to parents) It's George.

MORTY: Oh, it's George.

HELEN: What ever happened with NBC and the deal?

JERRY: Ah, George turned it down.

HELEN: He turned it down?

JERRY: Yeah.

HELEN: Why did he do that?

JERRY: Because of Ted Danson.

HELEN: What does Ted Danson have to do with it?

MORTY: Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.

JERRY: (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Hey.

MORTY: Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?

GEORGE: Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you?

(He approaches Helen for a greeting.)

HELEN: What's the matter with you?

GEORGE: What'd I do?

JERRY: What about NBC? Did you hear anything?

GEORGE: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

(Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.)

GEORGE: We got a deal.

(There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at George.)

MORTY/HELEN/JERRY: (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal!

JERRY: Heyy! Terrific.

MORTY: You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)

GEORGE: Uh, please, Morty.

MORTY: No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)

GEORGE: I'm just happy to be working with your talented son...

JERRY: Aww...

GEORGE: ...Who's not doing this for the money.

JERRY: ...C'mon.

GEORGE: You have no idea how refreshing that is.

JERRY: So what'd we get?

GEORGE: (big smile) Eight thousand dollars.

JERRY: Beautiful!

GEORGE: (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us.

HELEN: Four thousand apiece?

JERRY: Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out

for... less money.

GEORGE: I was wrong, you were right.

JERRY: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up.

GEORGE: You're smart, I'm dumb.

JERRY: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.

(The buzzer sounds.)

HELEN: That's gotta be Leo.

JERRY: (to intercom) Yeah?

LEO (O.C.): Leo.

JERRY: Alright, we're coming down.

MORTY: Alright, let's get going.

JERRY: Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.

(Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to Morty.)

JERRY: A present.

MORTY: A present?

(Morty opens it.)

MORTY: Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see.

JERRY: C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one.

HELEN: I hope you didn't spend too much on that.

MORTY: I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me.

HELEN: He's something, you son, isn't he?

JERRY: Ah hah, alright, let's go.

(Everyone begins to head for the door.)

MORTY: You're a terrific kid.

(Jerry picks up a case.)

JERRY: Okay.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's something, isn't he?

(George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.)

HELEN: How could anybody not like you?

GEORGE: (to Jerry) You're very special.

JERRY: (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars.

[Street]

(Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.)

LEO: Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two.

MORTY: Alright, Leo.

JERRY: Hey, uncle Leo.

LEO: Hi, hi...

JERRY: How you doing?

(There are murmurs of greetings.)

JERRY: This is some beautiful parking spot you got here.

LEO: Yeah, I hate to give it up.

JERRY: Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?

MORTY: Jerry!

JERRY: Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip.

HELEN: (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.

GEORGE: Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.

MORTY: Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet.

GEORGE: (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure.

JERRY: Take care now. So long.

(Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment. They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.)

GEORGE: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.

JERRY: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.

GEORGE: You're kidding.

JERRY: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.

GEORGE: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.

(Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.)

MORTY: You believe this?

HELEN: What?

MORTY: (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.

HELEN: You're kidding.

MORTY: Who needs this?

(He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.)

MORTY: Leo, let's go.

(Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo picks the wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and tucks it into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.)

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."

The End

S4E7 - The Bubble Boy

Broadcast date: October 7, 1992

Written by Larry David & Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ...................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jessica Lundy ..................... Naomi

Brian Doyle-Murray ........... Mel

Carol Mansell ..................... Mother

O-lan Jones ........................ Waitress

Jon Hayman ....................... Voice and Arm of Donald (The Bubble Boy)

George Gerdes .................. Man #1

Tony Pappenfuss ............... Man #2

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

Comedy club - Jerry on stage with the opening monologue

JERRY: Have you ever called someone up, and you're disappointed when they answer the phone?  You wanted the machine.  You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go "Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you."

So here what we have is two people who hate each other, don't really ever want to talk, but the phone machine is like this relationship respirator keeping these marginal brain dead relationships alive.  And we all do it -- Why? So that when we come home, you can see that little flashing red light.  You go "all right, messages."  You see, people need that.  It's very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well liked amongst a large group of people that we don't care for.

Stock shot of Hunan Chinese restaurant at night

(Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: Well this is it.

NAOMI: Oh, this is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.

JERRY: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.

NAOMI: Yeah, me too.

JERRY: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts.

NAOMI: (laughs) - Nnnhhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked Gun is on. Oh I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?

JERRY: No, I mean, I don't think so.

NAOMI: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go lucky.

JERRY: No, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.

NAOMI: Ahahahahahahahahaha.

JERRY: That's not funny Naomi.

NAOMI: Ah hahahaha. (points at Jerry)

JERRY: I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.

(Jerry goes over to the answering machine and plays the message, then walks back over to the kitchen to get a drink from his bottled water.  Naomi sits on the couch looking through the TV Guide, also listening to George's message)

GEORGE: (on the answering machine) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set for the weekend. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.

(Naomi smiles. Jerry takes a sip of water)

GEORGE: (con't) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

(Naomi stops reading, looks up, pondering what George just said.  Jerry puts down his water and sprints over to the machine)

GEORGE: (con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...

(Jerry trying to stop the tape -- he rips the answering machine out of the wall plug)

JERRY: This thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand)

NAOMI: You think I, laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

JERRY: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality.

[in Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: How could you leave a message like that on my machine.?

GEORGE: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?

JERRY: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!

GEORGE: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.

JERRY: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend.

GEORGE: What do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up.

JERRY: Nah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell.

GEORGE: Wh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine.

JERRY: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted.

GEORGE: Oh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.

JERRY: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?

(Kramer enters smoking a cigar)

KRAMER: Hmm.

JERRY: Ah, Kramer.

KRAMER: Hello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say?

What do ya be?

JERRY: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.

KRAMER: So, what are you guys doin' this weekend?

JERRY and GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..

KRAMER: Because I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh.

JERRY: Westchester? Isn't that a private club?

KRAMER: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. -- I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful.

JERRY: and GEORGE: Ye, hu, um Ye,

KRAMER: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend.  Ffoooo (Taking an imaginary swing, he makes the sound of a golf ball being hit)

GEORGE: Gee, that's-that's too bad.

JERRY: Yeah, too bad.

KRAMER: Why? What wa?

GEORGE: Well, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend.  Susan's father has a cabin up there.  But, eh, all right, well.

KRAMER: Well, what, they got any golf courses up there?

JERRY and GEORGE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

GEORGE: No, no that's ah, that's pie country.

JERRY: Yeah

GEORGE: Yeah, they eh, they do a lot of baking up there.

KRAMER: Uh huh.

JERRY: They sell them by the side of the road.  Blueberry, Blackberry ....

GEORGE: Blackberry, Boysenberry ...

JERRY: Boysenberry, Huckleberry ...

GEORGE: Huckleberry, Raspberry...

JERRY: Raspberry, Strawberry ...

GEORGE: Strawberry, Cranberry ...

JERRY: Peach.

(MONKS)

ELAINE: I don't know.

JERRY: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group.

ELAINE: What's that?

JERRY: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.

ELAINE: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?

JERRY: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?

ELAINE: Well what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!

JERRY: Well, um same bed ...

ELAINE: uh huh (very quietly)

JERRY: .. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.

ELAINE: What about me?

JERRY: Well you'd be naked of course.

ELAINE: Uh, that's, ...

MEL: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?

JERRY: Yeah.

MEL: My name's Sanger, Mel Sanger.

JERRY: Hi.

MEL: I drive that truck out there.

JERRY: Oh, the Yoo Hoo?

MEL: Yeah.

JERRY: I love Yoo Hoo.

MEL: Yes, it's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood ... the damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.

JERRY: A bubble?

ELAINE: A bubble?

MEL: Yes, a bubble!

MEL: Do you mind? May I?

ELAINE: Oh, sure.

(Mel sits down with them)

MEL: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo. We have sacrificed everything. All for the sake of our little ... bubble boy.

(breaks up in tears)

MEL: (in tears) Excuse me, I ah ...

ELAINE: Oh right here (giving out paper napkins to Mel and Jerry and herself)

(MEL AND ELAINE WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES, JERRY WIPES CRUMBS FROM HIS MOUTH and picks his teeth at the corner of his mouth)

MEL: Excuse me, anyway we were watching ya on TV.

JERRY: You get in the bubble with him?

MEL: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.

JERRY: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.

MEL: No, it's clear.

JERRY: Ah ha.

ELAINE: Who has the remote?  (wipes a tear from her eye)

MEL: He does.

ELAINE: The remote goes through the bubble?

MEL: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.

JERRY: So you have no control over the remote?

MEL: No, it's frustrating.

JERRY: Mmm

ELAINE: Yeah, of course, yeah. (blows her nose)

MEL: So anyway, you're his favorite comedian. He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin.

JERRY: Awe... That's nice!

MEL: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello.

JERRY: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...

ELAINE: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.

JERRY: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side?

MEL: No, up state.

JERRY: Up state! Hummm.

(Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: He's a bubble boy.

GEORGE: A bubble boy?

JERRY: Yes. A bubble boy.

SUSAN: What's a bubble boy?

JERRY: He lives in a bubble.

GEORGE: Boy!

SUSAN: Say, so what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?

JERRY: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.

SUSAN: Oh.

GEORGE: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?

JERRY: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.  It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.

SUSAN: Well, where does he live?

JERRY: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'

SUSAN: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.

GEORGE: Well all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.

JERRY: You think we can do it?

SUSAN: Oh I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.

JERRY: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.

GEORGE: (laughs) hu hu.

SUSAN: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.

JERRY: Ohh.

GEORGE: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.

JERRY: OK.

(Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar)

KRAMER: Well,

GEORGE: and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.

(Susan recoils at his presence)

KRAMER: Well, I'm off to the links.

GEORGE: and JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.

GEORGE: (clears his throat)

SUSAN: The what?

GEORGE: Uh, nothing, lets get going. Come on. (laughs) hu hu.

SUSAN: Did you ...  (George grabs her hand)

GEORGE: No, no, no we'll talk about it later.

SUSAN: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?  (Susan is pulled from the apt. and Kramer looks out the door to watch them leave)

(2 cars on the road George leading, Jerry following --)

(IN Jerry's car on highway)

ELAINE: Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?

JERRY: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.?

ELAINE: Oh, that's nice!

JERRY: What's he doing? What is his hurry?

(George's car pulls away at a high rate of speed)

ELAINE: Well you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time.

JERRY: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.

I-I never heard the end of it

ELAINE: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)

JERRY: Look at him.

ELAINE: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)

(In George's car)

GEORGE: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that?

SUSAN: Why?

GEORGE:  Knock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh.  Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls.

(Jerry's car)

JERRY: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?

ELAINE: Isn't that blue car him?

JERRY: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do?

ELAINE: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.

JERRY: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town.

ELAINE: Wa',you don't have the directions?

JERRY: No, I was following him.

ELAINE: How could you not take the directions?

JERRY: Because, HE'S my directions.

(from George's car)

SUSAN: I didn't see them George.

(Jerry ranting in his car)

JERRY: We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -

ELAINE: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever.

JERRY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

ELAINE: Here just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.

(from George's car)

SUSAN: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!

GEORGE: Well it's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?

SUSAN: Well now what are you gonna do?

GEORGE: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.

SUSAN: Does he have the address?

(Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - singing something undeterminable, he picks up a piece of paper from the counter)

JERRY: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.

NAOMI: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi.  Ah, listen, if its not too late I, changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin.

KRAMER: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbor. Aw, well you know, ah Jerry's left, uh, uh, But listen, ah, see ah, my golf game got canceled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and ah, I got the directions right here.

(Kramer's car)

KRAMER: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke?

NAOMI: No.

KRAMER: These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.

NAOMI: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha haaaa

(Kramer points at her and laughs)

(The Sangers' house, on the front porch)

GEORGE: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.

(Susan smooches him - playfully biting George's right ear lobe)

GEORGE: Would you stop it. (Susan playfully bites his ear lobe again)  Would you quit it please.  Someone is going to see us here.

SUSAN: So what? You are SUCH a prude.

GEORGE: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. (snapping his fingers 5 times)

SUSAN: Okay, Come on lets go in.

GEORGE: What?

SUSAN: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.

GEORGE: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.

SUSAN: What's the matter?

GEORGE: I-I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She saw my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.

SUSAN: Okay, we're goin' in. Come on.

GEORGE: Susan, wait please... (grabs her)  Please ...

SUSAN: Come on George. George stop. George.

GEORGE: Susan, Susan would you wai,....

(Highway diner)

JERRY: (ranting)  I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything.

ELAINE: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?

JERRY: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy?  I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy?

(Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum.  The waitress comes up to the counter.)

JERRY: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.

WAITRESS: How ?bout you?

ELAINE: Um, I'll just have a glass of water.

(the waitress turns and walks away)

JERRY: (whispers) You can't just have water.

ELAINE: Why not? That's all I want.

JERRY: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.

(the waitress comes back and pulls out a cup and saucer)

WAITRESS: Hold it a second. Don't ?chu play on TV?

JERRY: Oh, no.

ELAINE: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.

WAITRESS: What's your name?

ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.

JERRY: Elaaaiinne...

WAITRESS: Garry Seinfield! I saw you on the Tonight Show.

ELAINE: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?

WAITRESS: Oh, ha ha

JERRY: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.

ELAINE: He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one.

JERRY: I'm not lying.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves)

JERRY: She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.

(Sanger's house)

MRS. SANGER: See it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic divider.

GEORGE: Huh (quietly)

GEORGE: and SUSAN: (nod)

(long pause)

GEORGE: Can you uh, go in the bubble?

MRS. SANGER: Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.

MEL: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.

GEORGE: So then he makes his own bed?

MRS. SANGER: Well, that's one of the things we fight about.

(George points at her, understanding what she is saying)

MEL: Would you like to meet him?

GEORGE: Uh, well, you know,...

MRS. SANGER: Oh, he loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.

DONALD: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, I'M GONNA SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.

MRS. SANGER: (embarrassed) Ha...ha ha ha ha, ha.

(Highway Diner)

ELAINE: (laughing) hehehe -- One picture left in the trunk.

JERRY: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend.

ELAINE: Where's my water?

JERRY: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.

WAITRESS: Thanks.

ELAINE: Waddya' write?

WAITRESS: "Nothing's finer than being in your diner."

ELAINE: Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu "Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner."?

JERRY: No good?

ELAINE: THIS is what you came up with?

JERRY: Well.

ELAINE: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back.

WAITRESS: Why

JERRY: I, I'm not happy with what I wrote.

WAITRESS: It's good. I like it.

JERRY: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.

WAITRESS: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.

JERRY: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.

WAITRESS: RIGHT! (leaves)

(Donald's room)

MRS. SANGER: This is Donald.

GEORGE: Hi. (waves to Donald and laughs) hahahaha.

SUSAN: Hello.

DONALD: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?

MRS. SANGER: He's on his way. These are his friends.

DONALD: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?

GEORGE: Tsst...'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... bubble ... you know.  I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.

DONALD: WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

SUSAN: I-I-I have no story.

GEORGE: She works for NBC.

DONALD: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?

MRS. SANGER: Donald, behave yourself.

DONALD: COME ON.

MRS. SANGER: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of Trivial Pursuit?

GEORGE: Ah, well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...

DONALD: Ooo. WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?

GEORGE: A-hu no, uh, it's just that ...

DONALD: WELL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

(Highway Diner)

JERRY: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.

WAITRESS: You are really startin' to get under my skin.

JERRY: I want that picture.

WAITRESS: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.

(Elaine digging into the roast chicken)

JERRY: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.

WAITRESS: Well, you ain't getting' it back.

JERRY: Well, maybe I'll just take it back.

(The waitress hits the picture on the wall with her open hand flush against it)

ELAINE: This chicken is really good.

(Bubble Boy's room - George pulls a Trivial Pursuit card -- The Bubble Boy's right arm ala space suit type arm and a glove at the end to protect him)

DONALD: OK, HISTORY ... THIS IS FOR THE GAME. ... HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? ... NOT TOO GOOD!

GEORGE: All right Bubble Boy. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?

DONALD: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.

GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.

DONALD: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.

GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.

DONALD: IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S MOORS. THERE'S NO, MOOPS.

GEORGE: It's MOOPS.

DONALD: MOORS.

GEORGE: MOOPS,

DONALD: MOORS!

(The cabin)

KRAMER: Hey!  Anybody home?  Oh boy.

NAOMI: What should we do?

KRAMER: Ah, hold these (boxes of) pies.

(Kramer opens a window by the front door of the cabin)

KRAMER: Okay.

( Kramer falls in through the open window knocking over a bunch of stuff)

(Donald's room)

GEORGE: Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George)

DONALD: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.

SUSAN: Stop it. Let go of him!

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!

DONALD: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

GEORGE: You're choking me.

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, ... Donald...

DONALD: MOORS. SAY MOORS!

GEORGE: MOOPS, MOOPS

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, No. ... Donald, stop it ..

(Susan bursts the bubble)

(hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat)

(Highway Diner)

(Waitress is strangling Jerry, the cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine is grabbing the cook)

JERRY: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!

WAITRESS: Are you going to pay for that?

JERRY: No, I want the picture back.

(angry guy enters)

MAN #1: Something's happened to the Bubble Boy. They're rushing him to the hospital.

WAITRESS: What? (releases Jerry)

JERRY: The Bubble Boy? He lives around here?

MAN #1: That's his house right down the road.

MAN #2: He got in a fight with some guy.

Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the Bubble Boy?

MAN #2: Some little bald guy from the city.

MAN #1: Come on -- Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?

(Elaine and Jerry make their escape)

(The cabin)

KRAMER: Naomi, come on let's get goin'.

(Kramer is smoking a Cuban cigar and testing a fishing rod and reel)

NAOMI: But that lake must be freezing.

(Kramer sets his burning cigar on the mantle above the fireplace)

KRAMER: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.

(Kramer casts the fishing pole away and pulls it back in -- it hits him in the face, startling himself.  Naomi enters in a blue robe with a couple of towels -- she tosses one to Kramer, which he does not catch.)

NAOMI: Ready to go swimming?

KRAMER: Let's go.... OK. (he snaps the towel at Naomi's backside)  GOTCHA.

NAOMI: AHAaaaaaha

KRAMER: HeYAWaaa

(Kramer pulls the door behind them as they run out -- Camera shot of the lit cigar -- it falls from the mantle onto a pile of newspapers -- either from the vibration of the door being closed or the vacuum of air being created that causes the cigar to fall -- either way, the cigar was placed on the mantle in a precarious position.)

(The Sanger house)

(George stands in the open front door.  The emergency lights can be seen flashing in the reflection of the window -- he motions with both hands to Susan lets go? She comes out the door and he puts his hand to her back as a slight gesture as the walk down the few steps)

GEORGE: JERRY! What happened to you?

JERRY: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.

GEORGE: Oh I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was tried to kill me.

(Mel Sanger and his wife exit the house and head off camera towards the emergency vehicles.)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Yeah, Susan tell him.

SUSAN: It's a long story.

GEORGE: Yeah.

(Two emergency med. techs. pulling a stretcher on wheels out the door with Donald the Bubble Boy? on it. They stop so he can talk to the group.)

DONALD: HEY SEINFELD!

JERRY: Hey, Happy Birthday.

ELAINE: Hi.

DONALD: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.

GEORGE: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?

DONALD: MOORS

GEORGE: MOOPS

DONALD: MOORS

GEORGE: MOOPS

DONALD: MOORS

GEORGE: MOOPS

(The towns people arrive - about 10 of them)

MAN #1: There's the guy who tried to kill the Bubble Boy. Get him!

GEORGE: Go, go, get out, ...

(Our heroes scrambling -- they run for it)

(Night shot of a fire truck racing down the road, passing cars, sirens blasting, lights flashing)

(Jerry's car -- Jerry's and Elaine)

JERRY: Fire engines?

(Jerry looks as the fire truck passes his car)

(George's car -- Susan looks tired as her head is on the head rest -- she rolls her head to the side to glance at the fire truck cruising by)

GEORGE: What? Must be a big one.

(Night shot -- In the woods, a smoky haze, backlit with streams of blue light and smoke through the trees)

ELAINE: Do you smell something?

JERRY: Yeah,

SUSAN: Smoke.

GEORGE: Yeah, (cough) Definite smoke.

ELAINE: Arghhh, look it's a fire! (cough)

(They emerge from the woods -- Susan first carrying a flashlight and a red bag, George with a bag of groceries, Elaine and Jerry follow  -- they stand looking at the burning cabin)

(Night shot of the cabin burning)

JERRY: Holy cow! look at that!

SUSAN: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!

ELAINE: The CABIN is on fire!

GEORGE: (Apprehensively) Um. I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the tolls.

ELAINE: How could this have happened?

(Kramer and Naomi arrive wearing their robes, with the towels over their shoulders)

KRAMER: (singing) ... It's a big, wild, funky mountain man ...

NAOMI: Oh, my god, the cabin?

JERRY: What are you two doin' here?

NAOMI: Look at that.

(Night shot of the cabin burning)

JERRY: You didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar)

KRAMER: My Cubans!  (runs off to the burning cabin)

[Jerry on stage - Closing monologue]

Something very scary and exciting about fire, ah people always run to see a fire. They're very proud, if they have a fireplace.  And I think that's what smoking is really all about.  That's the power of smoke it's just this thing (pretends to be smoking) -- ?I got fire right here in my hand. Smoke and fire is literally, coming right out of my mouth.?

And it's very intimidating to the non-smoker, ?cause it's like talking to someone that's going my head could open up, lava could explode out, pour right down my face, doesn't bother me a bit.

And then a cigar is even worse -- I mean a cigar, is like -- you think this end is bad, look at this wet, disgusting, chewed up nub huh -- How scary is that??

THE END

** Pies - Just in case you did not know what these two kinds of pies are:

Boysenberry: The edible fruit obtained by crossing the blackberry, raspberry, and loganberry.  [ After Rudolph Boysen, 20th century U.S. horticulturist ]

Huckleberry: The edible black or dark blue berry of any of various North American shrubs.  2. A shrub yielding this berry.

S4E8 - The Cheever Letters

Broadcast date: October 28, 1992

Written by Larry David & Larry Charles

Story by Larry David and Elaine Pope & Tom Leopold

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Warren Frost ...................... Mr. Henry Ross

Grace Zabriskie .................. Mrs. Ross

Lisa Malkiewicz .................. Sandra

Miguel Perez ....................... Luis

Vanessa Marquez ............... Receptionist

Timothy Omundson ........... Ricky Ross

Patricia Lee Willson ............ Sara Ross

David Blackwood ............... Doorman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)

JERRY: She hasn't told her father yet?

GEORGE: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.

JERRY: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?

GEORGE: Susan wants me to be there.

JERRY: You're meetin' the father for the first time?

GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Yeah.

JERRY: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.

GEORGE: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!

JERRY: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..

GEORGE: Yeah, I know what happened.

JERRY: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..

GEORGE: (Getting frustrated) I know.

JERRY: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical..

GEORGE: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.

JERRY: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day.

GEORGE: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down..

JERRY: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin.

GEORGE: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.

JERRY: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.

GEORGE: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics?

JERRY: What, you got a problem with the pen now?

GEORGE: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.

JERRY: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A.

GEORGE: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?

JERRY: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.

GEORGE: (Offering) Drink?

JERRY: No, no thank you.

GEORGE: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.

JERRY: Act I, Scene A..

(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)

GEORGE: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?

JERRY: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later?

(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in her free hand)

ELAINE: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?

(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)

GEORGE: Alright, here we go. You got it?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Here we go.

JERRY: Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in.

GEORGE: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?

(A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)

ELAINE: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long?

SANDRA: Why? Did Jerry say something?

ELAINE: No, no.

SANDRA: He must have said something.

ELAINE: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.

SANDRA: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)

ELAINE: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!

(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)

GEORGE: Alright, let's go.

JERRY: Here we go.

(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work..

JERRY: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?

KRAMER: (Complaining) No more golf.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?

GEORGE: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!

KRAMER: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?

GEORGE: Kramer, please.

KRAMER: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!

GEORGE: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else.

KRAMER: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)

GEORGE: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.

JERRY: What?!

GEORGE: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.

JERRY: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script?

GEORGE: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Ross' house]

(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)

MRS. ROSS: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah?

MR. ROSS: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.

(George laughs slightly)

MRS. ROSS: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.

GEORGE: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean..

(Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)

MR. ROSS: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?

GEORGE: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.

MR. ROSS: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?

GEORGE: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh)

MR. ROSS: What?

SUSAN: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.

MR. ROSS: I didn't care much for his jokes.

SUSAN: (To George) Daddy never laughs.

GEORGE: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"?

MR. ROSS: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.

MRS. ROSS: You and your cigars..

MR. ROSS: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick.

SUSAN: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about..

MR. ROSS: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin?

GEORGE: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)

JERRY: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!

ELAINE: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?

JERRY: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?

ELAINE: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you.

JERRY: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Ross' house]

(Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be discussed)

GEORGE: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?

SUSAN: Uhh.. about the cabin..

MR. ROSS: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me.

GEORGE: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude.

MR. ROSS: What?

GEORGE: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all..

MR. ROSS: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)

MRS. ROSS: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day.

SUSAN: Daddy..

MR. ROSS: Yes?

SUSAN: Daddy, about the cabin..

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again)

MR. ROSS: (To Susan) What about it?

SUSAN: Well, the thing is..

MR. ROSS: What? What is it?

SUSAN: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?

GEORGE: (Extremely blunt) Burned.

MR. ROSS: Burned?

SUSAN: There was a fire, and it uh..

GEORGE: Burned.

MR. ROSS: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned?

GEORGE: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her)

MR. ROSS: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything?

SUSAN: (Solemn) No. Nothing.

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.

(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)

GEORGE: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)

SANDRA: (Offended) I can't believe you said that!

JERRY: What?!

SANDRA: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?!

JERRY: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!

SANDRA: That was a weird thing to say.

JERRY: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.

SANDRA: Ohh, I think you're really sick.

JERRY: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me.

SANDRA: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path)

JERRY: I really think you're making too much of this.

SANDRA: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door)

JERRY: Let me walk you to a cab.

SANDRA: (Opens the door) That's ok.

JERRY: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it.

SANDRA: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)

JERRY: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Jerry's telling George about last night)

JERRY: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.

GEORGE: Wo-hoah! What did you do?

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!"

GEORGE: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?

JERRY: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..

GEORGE: Alright, so, go ahead.

JERRY: So we go back to my apartment..

GEORGE: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!

JERRY: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.

GEORGE: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?

JERRY: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..

GEORGE: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?

JERRY: Typical things.

GEORGE: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.

JERRY: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)

GEORGE: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.

JERRY: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.

GEORGE: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!

JERRY: So I said something.

GEORGE: Ok, what did you say?

JERRY: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.

GEORGE: Of course.

JERRY: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"

GEORGE: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What does that mean?

JERRY: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.

GEORGE: Well, how did she react?

JERRY: She flipped out! Just left.

GEORGE: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.

JERRY: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it.

GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?

JERRY: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.

JERRY: I guess he failed to see the humor in it.

GEORGE: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.

JERRY: (Getting up) Alright, big work day.

GEORGE: That's right.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down in the living room while giving each other pep talks)

GEORGE: Okay.

JERRY: Let's go.

GEORGE: Here we are.

JERRY: Right now.

GEORGE: Let's do it.

JERRY: You and me.

GEORGE: Okay.

JERRY: Alright.

GEORGE: What'dya got?

JERRY: (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here..

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

(Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests)

GEORGE: Don't be silly.

JERRY: Come in, we're taking a break.

KRAMER: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?

JERRY: Yeah!

KRAMER: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars?

GEORGE: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.

KRAMER: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]

(Kramer walks up to a secretary)

KRAMER: Buenos dias.

SECRETARY: Buenos dias.

KRAMER: Uh, habla ingles?

SECRETARY: Si.

KRAMER: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone.

SECRETARY: What is this about?

KRAMER: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent.

SECRETARY: Are you an American?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

SECRETARY: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)

KRAMER: Okay.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. George rolls off the couch and falls to the floor)

JERRY: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah?

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

JERRY: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)

GEORGE: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..

JERRY: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.

GEORGE: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?

JERRY: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?

GEORGE: No, no, no, no.

JERRY: Oh.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.

JERRY: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it.

ELAINE: Why? What happened? Did you talk?

JERRY: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: Really? You really think I should fire her?

JERRY: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself.

(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]

(A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer)

MAN: (To secretary) Expira te afuera.

KRAMER: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.

MAN: What is your name, Senor?

KRAMER: Uh, Kramer.

MAN: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?

KRAMER: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.

MAN: (Confused) Cigars?

KRAMER: (Definite) Cigars.

MAN: What about cigars?

KRAMER: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings..

MAN: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these..

KRAMER: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah?

MAN: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country.

KRAMER: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?

(The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)

MAN: I like that jacket..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Ross' apartment]

(There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and George)

SUSAN: Hi!

GEORGE: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)

SUSAN: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi.

SUSAN: I thought you two guys were working today.

JERRY: Ah, just - takin' a little break.

GEORGE: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her)

SUSAN: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.

GEORGE: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major?

RICKY: (Blunt) I don't have one.

GEORGE: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George)

SUSAN: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara.

SARA: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.

MRS. ROSS: Sara, what do you have on your wheels?

SARA: Nothing, they're clean.

MRS. ROSS: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?

RICKY: (Annoyed) Yes.

MRS. ROSS: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you wipe your wheels.

(Doorbell rings)

SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.

RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.

SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.

GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)

SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.

JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.

SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)

(A long pause)

GEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah..

JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..

GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..

JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.

GEORGE: You know, the time..

(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)

MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!

MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!

SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!

MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!

RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!

MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go)

GEORGE: Well, we really should be-

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.

JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.

GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..

JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.

GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.

(Jerry grabs George, leaving)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, attempting to write)

GEORGE: Alright, here we go.

JERRY: Alright, let's go.

GEORGE: Come on now.

JERRY: Right now.

GEORGE: Here we go.

JERRY: You and me.

GEORGE: You got it.

JERRY: No foolin'

GEORGE: Ok, so, what'dya got?

JERRY: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".

GEORGE: Alright, so, we need something..

JERRY: Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?"

GEORGE: "How's it going?" - beautiful.

(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..

JERRY: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line?

GEORGE: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"

JERRY: Did you write it down?

GEORGE: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"

JERRY: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)

ELAINE: Real good!

JERRY: What?!

ELAINE: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!

JERRY: What?! How?

ELAINE: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!

JERRY: What calls?!

ELAINE: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!

JERRY: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?

ELAINE: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"?

JERRY: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?

ELAINE: Yeah!

JERRY: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.

ELAINE: Why is that beautiful?

JERRY: Oh, no, not beautiful.

ELAINE: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!

JERRY: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.

ELAINE: No, no.

JERRY: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-

ELAINE: (Giving up too easy) Okay.

JERRY: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke?

(Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed up in golf wear, smoking cigars)

KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.

JERRY: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.

KRAMER: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.

JERRY: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..

KRAMER: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!

(They exit)

ELAINE: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading?

GEORGE: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent.

ELAINE: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.

ELAINE: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.

JERRY: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.

ELAINE: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)

The End

S4E9 - The Opera

Broadcast date: November 4, 1992

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Ross Evans ......................... Mr. Reichman

Hariet S. Miller ................... Mrs. Reichman

Bill Saluga ........................... Usher

Tom Celli ........................... Man #1

Jason Wingreen ................. Man #2

Glen Chin .......................... Man #3

rc: Peter Crombie .............. Crazy" Joe Davola

rc: Heidi Swedberg ........... Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[OPENING MONOLOGUE]

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That?s why the wedding vow isn't 'do you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.

[INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: (answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA: Jerry, Joe Divola. Pbt Pbt Pbt I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.

[JERRY'S APARTMENT.]

(Kramer and Jerry enter)

KRAMER: So, what do you think?

JERRY: About what?

KRAMER: About the opera.

JERRY: Nah, I don't wanna go.

KRAMER: You gotta go.

JERRY: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!

KRAMER: Jerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.

JERRY: All right, all right.

KRAMER: That?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language

JERRY: So why don't they talk like that now?

KRAMER: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.

(BUZZER)

KRAMER: Better get that

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (intercom) it?s me!

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: So, huh?

JERRY: I don't know

KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.

JERRY: Well it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get.

KRAMER: Oh, well I have many associates.

JERRY: I don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing.

KRAMER: All right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off.

JERRY: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?

KRAMER: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!

JERRY: Well I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right.

(ELAINE ENTERS)

ELAINE: Hi!

JERRY: Hi!

KRAMER: Hey! Hi Elaine!

ELAINE: You got the tickets right?

KRAMER: Well no, I don't have them on me.

ELAINE: What? That?s why I came all the way over here.

KRAMER: My friends got 'em, I?m going to pick them up tomorrow.

ELAINE: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right?

KRAMER: Oh yeah!

JERRY: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.

ELAINE: Its killing you isn?t it?

JERRY: Yeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera

ELAINE: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.

[JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT]

(Opera music playing (Paliachi?) Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered on the floor.)

[JERRY'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: Well I?m looking forward to meeting him.

ELAINE: I've got to go

JERRY: Where are you going, what?s the rush?

ELAINE: I'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in'

JERRY: Oh, good, men love that!

(Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.)

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: You've got a message buddy.

JERRY: Ooo, could be from that blonde

KRAMER: Oo yiggity diggigg

JOE DIVOLA: (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue'

[JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT]

(Divola has his hand over a candle and is laughing)

[JERRY'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....

KRAMER: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself,

JERRY: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?

KRAMER: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!

JERRY: I'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops.

KRAMER: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything!

JERRY: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!

KRAMER: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.

JERRY: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.

KRAMER: Call him and tell him

JERRY: That?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?

KRAMER: Right.... Don't mention my name

JERRY: Oh, I got the machine.

KRAMER: What?s his message like?

JERRY: Nice!

KRAMER: Eh!

JERRY: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,

KRAMER: Big! Big!

JERRY: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.

[JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT]

(The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters)

ELAINE: Joey? Joey?

(She sees a wall covered in photos of her. Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door.)

ELAINE: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!

JOE DIVOLA: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.

ELAINE: You left your door open.

JOE DIVOLA: I know, I like to encourage intruders.

ELAINE: (laughs) What?s all this?

JOE DIVOLA: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.

ELAINE: Where did you get all these pictures?

JOE DIVOLA: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.

ELAINE: Showering?

JOE DIVOLA: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?

ELAINE: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right?

JOE DIVOLA: Why

ELAINE: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?

JOE DIVOLA: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?

ELAINE: That?s a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.

JOE DIVOLA: What are you doing here?

ELAINE: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.

JOE DIVOLA: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.

ELAINE: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.

JOE DIVOLA: Really?

ELAINE: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I?m just gonna get the uh..

(Divola is blocking the door with his head.)

JOE DIVOLA: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?

ELAINE: Uh.. I?m Elaine!

JOE DIVOLA: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.

ELAINE: Oh.

JOE DIVOLA: Do you think I?m a clown, Nedda?

ELAINE: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it?s bad to be a clown, if it?s bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.

JOE DIVOLA: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.

ELAINE: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I?m gonna... get out of here.

(Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.)

JOE DIVOLA: Pagliacci kills his wife.

ELAINE: Se, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown

JOE DIVOLA: You're not leaving

(Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves.)

[JERRY'S APARTMENT.]

JERRY: (on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye.

(Knock at door.)

JERRY: (cautiously) Who is it?

GEORGE: It's George.

(George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.)

GEORGE: What, are you locking the door now?

JERRY: Well, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it?

GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.

JERRY: Ooo, that was a bad toast.

GEORGE: It wasn't that bad.

JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.

GEORGE: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.

JERRY: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.

GEORGE: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know.

JERRY: What do you mean not going? why not?

GEORGE: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.

JERRY: Why doesn't she pay for hers?

GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?

JERRY: It's nice to get a reach.

(Loud thump is heard from the front door.)

JERRY: Who is it?

KRAMER: It's me!

(Kramer is on the floor)

KRAMER: What, are you locking the door now?

JERRY: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?

KRAMER: I am dressed.

JERRY: You're going like this?

KRAMER: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.

JERRY: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!

KRAMER: People do, I don't.

JERRY: Well what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone!

JERRY: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?

GEORGE: That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!

JERRY: All right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.

Kramer is playing opera music

JERRY: Would you turn that down! What is that crap!

KRAMER: It's Pagliacci!

JERRY: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets.

KRAMER: Why? What happened?

JERRY: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.

KRAMER: That?s fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket.

GEORGE: What? Really?

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: People are looking for tickets here?

KRAMER: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up!

GEORGE: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.

JERRY: Oh yeah right.

KRAMER: OK come on, let?s go get the tickets.

GEORGE: All right, all right.

JERRY: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre.

GEORGE: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?

KRAMER: Oh yeah!

(Kramer and George leave.)

[INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT]

(Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up.)

[OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.]

(Jerry and Elaine are waiting.)

JERRY: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?

ELAINE: Cherry Binaca, it?s new.

JERRY: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!

ELAINE: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.

JERRY: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable.

(Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing.)

JERRY: Hey, hey, what are you doing, that?s my quarter.

MAN#1: No it's not, it's mine.

JERRY: I was just flipping it, it's mine.

MAN#1: No, I dropped it, it's mine.

JERRY: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.

MAN#1: Well it is mine.

JERRY: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money.

(Jerry tears up the dollar.)

MAN#1: You think I care about money, that?s how much I care about money, I don't care about money.

JERRY: Oh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost.

MAN#1: Why don't you get lost.

JERRY: Because I was standing here, that?s why.

MAN#1: Oh Yeah?

JERRY: Yeah!

(The man walks away.)

JERRY: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem?

[IN THE PARK]

(Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park.)

PARK GUY#1: Hey clown!

PARK GUY#2: hey clown!

PARK GUY#1: Make us laugh, clown!

PARK GUY#2: Nice face, clown!

PARK GUY#2: Make me laugh, clown!

(Divola kicks them all to the ground.)

[ALLEYWAY]

(Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.)

KRAMER: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right.

MAN#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I?m selling.

MAN#2: Where are they?

KRAMER: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.

MAN#2: What do you want for them.

KRAMER: All right, I?ll tell you what I?ll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.

MAN#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.

GEORGE: Ok, it's a deal!

KRAMER: Pzzzt. No.

GEORGE: No? Are you crazy?

KRAMER: Look, let me handle this.

GEORGE: Five hundred dollars, that?s a great deal!

KRAMER: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.

(The man walks away)

GEORGE: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.

KRAMER: Look, I know what I?m doing here George.

GEORGE: This is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

GEORGE: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I?ll stand over here.

KRAMER: I know where I?m standing.

GEORGE: Alright.

KRAMER: Hey!

GEORGE: (shouting) Get your Paliachi!

[OUTSIDE THEATRE]

JERRY: Where are they already?

ELAINE: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.

JERRY: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!

JERRY: Do you remember the curse toast?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, the curse toast.

JERRY: So, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

ELAINE: Me too

JERRY: Crazy Joe Divola

ELAINE: How do you know his name?

JERRY: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?

ELAINE: I never told you his name.

JERRY: I never told you his name.

ELAINE: Wait a second, who are we talking about here?

JERRY: Joe Divola.

ELAINE: Right, Joe Divola

JERRY: How do you know his name?

ELAINE: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.

(They click)

JERRY: Oh my god, its Joe Divola

ELAINE: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?

JERRY: That madman is trying to kill me.

ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!

JERRY: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!

ELAINE: Oooohh, what about me!

(Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.)

JOE DIVOLA: Excuse me

ELAINE & JERRY: Aaahhhhh!!

[ALLEYWAY]

(George still hasn't sold the ticket.)

GEORGE: But this is Pavarotti!

MAN#3: Three hundred dollars, that?s a lot of money.

Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley

MR REICHMAN: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.

GEORGE: All right, I?ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let?s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.

MR REICHMAN: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me.

GEORGE: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.

MR REICHMAN: Costanza!?

GEORGE: Mr Reichman?

MR REICHMAN: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets.

MRS REICHMAN: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant!

[OUTSIDE THE THEATRE]

JOE DIVOLA: Anything is welcome, I accept change.

JERRY: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.

JOE DIVOLA: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.

JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy took.....

JOE DIVOLA: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by.

(Mrs Reichman runs past)

MRS REICHMAN: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!

JOE DIVOLA: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it?

ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.

JOE DIVOLA: You people make me sick.

JERRY: That is one angry clown!

[Middle Monologue]

JERRY: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"

[Outside The Theatre]

JERRY: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!

ELAINE: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons.

JERRY: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.

JOE DIVOLA: I don't want any money.

ELAINE: I smell cherry.

JOE DIVOLA: It's Binaca.

JERRY: Binaca?

(They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy Joe. They run away.)

[ALLEYWAY]

(George is finalizing the deal.)

GEORGE: What did we say? Two seventy-five?

MAN#3: Two fifty.

GEORGE: Two fifty? Are you sure

MAN#3: Yeah, yeah, I?m sure.

GEORGE: All right, all right, two fifty.

SUSAN: George!

GEORGE: S-Susan

SUSAN: I can't believe it, I?m so glad I caught you.

GEORGE: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.

SUSAN: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia.

GEORGE: So what, they don?t have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?

SUSAN: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!

GEORGE: Yeah you made it, how about that.

SUSAN: Oh, I?m so excited, now we get to see the opera together.

(George gives the man the ticket and takes the money.)

GEORGE: We get to go to the opera together!

SUSAN: Who's that?

GEORGE: That?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.

[ENTRANCE TO THEATER.]

JERRY: Come on, you gotta let us in

USHER: Not without tickets.

JERRY: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.

USHER: Well that?s a problem. Excuse me.

JERRY: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us.

USHER: A crazy clown is after you? Oh that?s rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through.

(Kramer slides in.)

JERRY&ELAINE: We're with him, we're with him.

KRAMER: Are you guys ready?

JERRY&ELAINE: Yeah, Yeah!!

KRAMER: Have you seen George?

JERRY: We thought he was with you.

ELAINE: Come on, he's on his own, come on!

[SITTING IN THE THEATER]

KRAMER: These are great seats huh?

ELAINE: Yeah

KRAMER: Yeah

JERRY: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.

ELAINE: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?

JERRY: She's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda.

ELAINE: Nedda?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh my god..

(Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.)

MAN#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

(Susan comes in from the other side.)

JERRY: Susan! What are you doing here?

SUSAN: My Friend's flight couldn?t make it.

JERRY: Where's George?

MAN#3: I got his ticket.

SUSAN: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.

JERRY: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?

MAN#3: One seventy-five.

JERRY: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?

KRAMER: Some nut in a clown suit!

(The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very frightened.)

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.

The End

S4E10 - The Virgin

Broadcast date: November 11, 1992

Written by Peter Mehlman

Story by Peter Mehlman, Peter Farrelly & Bob Farrelly

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anne Twomey ................... Rita

Jane Leeves ........................ Marla (The Virgin)

Kevin Page ......................... Stu

Ping Wu .............................. Ping

Leah Lail ............................. Stacy

Peter Blood ........................ Jay

Derya Ruggles ................... Woman in Bar

Dayna Winston .................. Carol

Julie Blum ........................... Receptionist

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Jerry and George talking near a bar.]

JERRY: We're dead.

GEORGE: We're not dead.

JERRY: We are dead.

GEORGE: Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story.

JERRY: All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.

GEORGE: So we'll do it tomorrow.

JERRY: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?

GEORGE: About six years ago.

JERRY: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.

GEORGE: Women like skiers.

JERRY: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.

GEORGE: Yeah. Right.

JERRY: Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.

GEORGE: The closet business? What's the closet business?

JERRY: What is it your business?

GEORGE: I'm interested.

JERRY: She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet.

GEORGE: So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yeah. So what happened?

JERRY: So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla.

MARLA: (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.

JERRY: George, Marla.

GEORGE: Marla.

MARLA: George. Jerry, Stacey.

JERRY: Stacey.

STACEY: Jerry.

JERRY: George, Stacey.

GEORGE: Stacey.

STACEY: George.

JERRY: George.

GEORGE: Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)

MARLA: So, how was your trip to Berlin?

JERRY: Trip to Berlin?

MARLA: Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while.

JERRY: Oh, right, right.

MARLA: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration.

JERRY: Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?"

MARLA: You, know my boyfriend went.

JERRY: Really?

MARLA: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.

JERRY: Oh, did he like it?

MARLA: I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar)

GEORGE: Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write.

STACEY: Wow, what a great job. A writer.

GEORGE: Not a bad way to make a buck.

STACEY: Sounds great.

GEORGE: Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away)

[Jerry and George at Monk's]

JERRY: So, are you gonna go out with her?

GEORGE: I might.

JERRY: What about Susan?

GEORGE: What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?

JERRY: Depends.

GEORGE: Depends on what?

JERRY: On many factors.

GEORGE: Like what?

JERRY: Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?

GEORGE: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.

JERRY: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?

GEORGE: Implied.

JERRY: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?

GEORGE: There might be some moisturizer.

JERRY: Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house?

GEORGE: (Pause) Yeah.

JERRY: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: You got yourself a girlfriend.

GEORGE: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?

JERRY: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...

GEORGE: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.

JERRY: You're going to make a good father someday.

GEORGE: Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.

JERRY: Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?

GEORGE: No, what?

JERRY: The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over.

GEORGE: Why? What do you mean?

JERRY: Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?

GEORGE: Oh, right. Oh no, man.

JERRY: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.

JERRY: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah.

GEORGE: Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.

JERRY: This is your plan?

GEORGE: No, no. I'm just thinking.

JERRY: I don't think you are.

[Jerry with Marla, who is measuring his closet space.]

MARLA: Let me tell you what I think.

JERRY: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.

MARLA: Are you very fussy about your pants?

JERRY: I don't think I am.

MARLA: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?

JERRY: Try me.

MARLA: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.

JERRY: Everything?

MARLA: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.

JERRY: You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey?

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: This is not a good time.

KRAMER: Five minutes. What?

JERRY: What did you have to give your TV away to George for?

KRAMER: Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells.

JERRY: Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room)

KRAMER: Well, wow.

JERRY: Marla, Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Why don't you go out? It's nice out.

KRAMER: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.

JERRY: There's weather.

KRAMER: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.

JERRY: I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back.

KRAMER: No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Will you tape it?

JERRY: Kramer... (points to Marla)

KRAMER: Yeah. (He exits)

JERRY: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.

MARLA: Never came back.

JERRY: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.

MARLA: It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem.

JERRY: Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What?

ELAINE: I didn't get it.

JERRY: Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem.

MARLA: Well, he wanted me to move in with him.

JERRY: Snapple?

MARLA: No thanks.

JERRY: Go on.

MARLA: Well I wouldn't move in because...

JERRY: Yes.

MARLA: Well because...

JERRY: Yeah.

MARLA: Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hello!

JERRY: Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.

JERRY: Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting.

MARLA: I should be going.

ELAINE: No, no, I'm leaving.

JERRY: I like that thing in your hair there.

ELAINE: Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple?

MARLA: No thanks.

ELAINE: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.

MARLA: I should be going.

JERRY: So we'll talk about the hooks then?

MARLA: Yes. (She exits)

ELAINE: What? Was it something I said?

JERRY: She's a virgin, she just told me.

ELAINE: Well I didn't know.

JERRY: Well it's not like spotting a toupee.

ELAINE: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?

JERRY: No, no, I mean...

ELAINE: 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves)

JERRY: Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?

GEORGE: It's George.

[Cut to George looking out Jerry's apartment at Marla.]

GEORGE: She's a virgin?

JERRY: A virgin.

GEORGE: Wow. So what're you gonna do?

JERRY: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.

GEORGE: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

JERRY: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.

GEORGE: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry.

JERRY: Yeah, me too.

GEORGE: We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it?

JERRY: All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you.

KRAMER: I'm in. Let's go for it.

GEORGE: What do you want?

KRAMER: I don't care, whatever.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.

KRAMER: Okay. What are you getting?

GEORGE: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.

KRAMER: What's a Chow Fung?

GEORGE: It's a broad noodle.

KRAMER: What do you mean, a broad noodle?

GEORGE: It's a big flat noodle.

KRAMER: Well I don't want a big flat noodle.

GEORGE: What kind of noodle do you want?

KRAMER: Who says I want a noodle?

GEORGE: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.

KRAMER: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.

GEORGE: Fine.

KRAMER: Get extra MSG.

[Elaine and Marla at Monk's Cafe.]

ELAINE: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.

MARLA: So they just leave?

ELAINE: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.

MARLA: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.

ELAINE: Eh.

[Jerry's place, George and Jerry are sitting.]

JERRY: All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting.

GEORGE: Where's the food? What happened to Ping?

JERRY: Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food.

GEORGE: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.

JERRY: Your butler?

GEORGE: Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.

JERRY: What about me?

GEORGE: Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door)

JERRY: (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?

ELAINE: There was a bit of an accident.

PING: Head hurts. Head really hurts.

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.

GEORGE: Something happened to the food?

PING: I only saved one bag.

JERRY: Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor?

MARLA: I'll get some ice.

GEORGE: (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, you got the food?

JERRY: Yeah, here.

KRAMER: What took you so long? Hey, Ping!

PING: Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch)

KRAMER: Yeah. Where's yours?

GEORGE: He dropped it.

KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad.

ELAINE: You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast.

PING: No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?

ELAINE: (To Ping) I did not jaywalk.

JERRY: (To George) You're givin' him back that TV.

PING: (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked.

KRAMER: (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.

PING: (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting?

KRAMER: (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze.

[George and Jerry in the NBC lobby.]

JERRY: A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!

GEORGE: All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.

JERRY: What do you mean? They know we're here.

GEORGE: I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back.

JERRY: No, no, would you get up?

GEORGE: I can do this, Jerry.

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits)

(Woman enters.)

WOMAN: Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits)

JERRY: Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)

MAN #1: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello.

RITA: Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.

JERRY: Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?

RITA: He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom.

JERRY: Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)

RITA: Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.

MAN #2: Where's George?

JERRY: Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman.

SUSAN: David Letterman's on the floor?

JERRY: Yeah, he just walked by.

RITA: Well, I think we should get started anyway.

JERRY: Yeah, good idea.

RITA: So how are you guys comin' along?

JERRY: Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.

RITA: Good. (Pause)

JERRY: Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?

RITA: So that's the idea?

JERRY: Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars.

MAN #2: Those collars are funny!

MAN #1: Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters)

GEORGE: You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?

RITA: I'm Rita Kearson.

GEORGE: Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler.

JERRY: Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you.

[Jerry and George enter Jerry's place to see Kramer watching (and playing) Jeopardy.]

JERRY: So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh?

GEORGE: No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.

KRAMER: You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy.

JERRY: Would you give him the TV back?

KRAMER: Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago.

GEORGE: I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan)

KRAMER: (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up!

SUSAN: Hello?

GEORGE: Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on?

SUSAN: What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired!

GEORGE: Fired? Why?

SUSAN: Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone.

KRAMER: (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again.

GEORGE: But I had no... I didn't realize.

SUSAN: You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man!

GEORGE: I just feel terrible This is just terrible.

KRAMER: (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed.

SUSAN: I'll speak to you later.

GEORGE: (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!

JERRY: Why did he fire her?

GEORGE: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!

KRAMER: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!

JERRY: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: You gotta at least wait until she gets another job.

GEORGE: Another job?

JERRY: Couple of interviews.

GEORGE: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

[Jerry and Marla are making out in his closet.]

MARLA: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.

JERRY: What? Leave? Where? Why?

MARLA: You know, the apartment.

JERRY: Why would I leave? This is my apartment.

MARLA: Well what if it was my apartment?

JERRY: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?

MARLA: Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.

JERRY: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.

MARLA: Maybe I should get going.

[Jerry and Elaine at a bar.]

JERRY: What else did you say to her?

ELAINE: Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope.

JERRY: More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent.

ELAINE: Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me.

JERRY: What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you?

ELAINE: You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her.

JERRY: I was trying to be.

ELAINE: Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?

JERRY: Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.

ELAINE: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

[Cut over to George and a woman]

GEORGE: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.

WOMAN: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.

CAROL: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave)

WOMAN: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!

The End

S4E11 - The Contest

Broadcast date: November 18, 1992

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jane Leeves .......................... Marla

Ilana Levine ......................... Joyce

Rachel Sweet ....................... Shelly

Andrea Parker .................... Nurse

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]

(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating lunch)

JERRY: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.

ELAINE: Mm-hm.

JERRY: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-

ELAINE: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?

JERRY: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?

ELAINE: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.

KRAMER: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!

(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)

KRAMER: Hey, Georgie.

JERRY AND ELAINE: Hi.

(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)

JERRY: (To George) What's the matter?

GEORGE: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.

JERRY: "Caught" you? Doing what?

GEORGE: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..

ELAINE: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!

GEORGE: (Nods) Uh-huh.

KRAMER: (Laughing) She caught you?

(Elaine laughs with Kramer)

JERRY: Where?

GEORGE: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..

JERRY: "Glamour"?

(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)

GEORGE: ..So, one thing lead to another..

JERRY: So, what did she do?

GEORGE: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

KRMAER: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..

GEORGE: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.

JERRY: What did you do?

GEORGE: I zipped up!

ELAINE: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?

GEORGE: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!

ELAINE: No, I guess you couldn't have..

JERRY: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.

ELAINE: (Finishing it off) ..done that.

GEORGE: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

ELAINE: (Between chuckles) How is she?

GEORGE: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.

ELAINE: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.

GEORGE: It's not funny, Elaine.

ELAINE: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.

GEORGE: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"

(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)

JERRY: "Glamour"?

(Elaine laughs)

GEORGE: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.

ELAINE: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?

GEORGE: (Definite) All together.

(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)

ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break..

JERRY: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.

KRAMER: Oh, like you're gonna stop?

JERRY AND ELAINE: C'mon..

GEORGE: You don't think I can?

JERRY: No chance.

GEORGE: (Daring) You think you could?

JERRY: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?

JERRY: Sure, how much?

GEORGE: A hundred dollars.

JERRY: (Pointing) You're on.

KRAMER: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)

JERRY: You?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: You'll be out before we get the check.

ELAINE: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.

GEORGE AND JERRY: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..

ELAINE: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?

JERRY: Because you're a woman!

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh.

JERRY: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.

ELAINE: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.

KRAMER: (Making a point) Not everyday.

GEORGE: Alright, look, you want to be in?

ELAINE: Yeah!

GEORGE: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars.

KRAMER: No, a thousand!

ELAINE: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.

GEORGE: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.

JERRY: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.

GEORGE: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?

JERRY: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.

KRAMER: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)

(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!")

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on the phone with his mother)

GEORGE: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)

JERRY: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?

GEORGE: (Defensively) Whatever.

(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)

JERRY: How is she?

GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight.

JERRY: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)

GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

JERRY: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.

GEORGE: Oh, the virgin?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?

JERRY: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)

KRAMER: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.

(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)

JERRY: Where?

KRAMER: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left?

GEORGE: (In awe) Wow!

JERRY: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!

(All eyes are glued to the woman)

GEORGE: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people..

KRAMER: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him)

JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?

GEORGE: I would imagine it's all naked.

JERRY: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?

GEORGE: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY AND GEORGE: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.

ELAINE: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?

JERRY: (Over his shoulder) Not me.

GEORGE: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.

ELAINE: What're you looking at?

JERRY: There's a naked woman across the street.

ELAINE: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

JERRY: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.

ELAINE: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

JERRY: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.

GEORGE: Have a good time.

(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)

KRAMER: (Declaring) I'm out!

(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)

ELAINE: What?!

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.

GEORGE: You're out?!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?

ELAINE: Well, that was fast!

JERRY: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him)

(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)

ELAINE: ..And then there were three.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Hospital room]

(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, is visiting her)

ESTELLE: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!

GEORGE: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.

ESTELLE: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.

GEORGE: Ma, people can hear you.

ESTELLE: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!

GEORGE: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!

ESTELLE: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

GEORGE: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!

ESTELLE: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?

GEORGE: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.

ESTELLE: I want you to go see somebody.

GEORGE: Well, I am not going.

ESTELLE: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)

SHELLY: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?

GEORGE: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?!

(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely nurse can be seen entering)

NURSE: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.

(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)

DENISE: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.

(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain)

SHELLY: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing?

GEORGE: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television.

(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)

NURSE: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head..

DENISE: Oh.. thank you.

SHELLY: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly?

(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)

ESTELLE: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: New York Health Club]

(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking with her friend, Joyce)

JOYCE: So, when was the last time you took a class?

ELAINE: Oh, it's been a while.

JOYCE: (Overly excited) Are you psyched?

ELAINE: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.

JOYCE: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.

ELAINE: Why is that?

JOYCE: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?

(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, she turns back to her friend)

ELAINE: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!

JOYCE: He's gonna be in your class today.

ELAINE: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!

JOYCE: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.

ELAINE: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's car]

(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)

MARLA: Let's slow it down a little.

JERRY: "Slow it down"?

MARLA: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..

JERRY: Ah, yeah.. I know.

MARLA: You're okay with that, right?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that.

MARLA: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?

JERRY: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.

MARLA: Alright, then. Good night.

JERRY: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to

Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!

JERRY: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.

KRAMER: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)

JERRY: She's not there. She's doin' her wash.

KRAMER: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night?

JERRY: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!

KRAMER: So, you're still master of your domain.

JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!

KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?

JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.

JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.

KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?!

JERRY: Look, I'm sorry-

KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.

JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!

KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!

(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)

JERRY: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)

KRAMER: Yes!

JERRY: ..Alright.

KRAMER: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)

JERRY: She's not there!

KRAMER: Oh, I can wait..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]

(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)

JERRY: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?

GEORGE: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.

JERRY: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.

GEORGE: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..

(Jerry nods)

JERRY: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?

GEORGE: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You?

JERRY: Lord of the manor.

(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)

ELAINE: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.

JERRY: Really? Did you talk to him?

ELAINE: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout."

GEORGE: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?

ELAINE: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."

JERRY: (Adding, fake praise) Good one.

ELAINE: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..

JERRY: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?

ELAINE: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Estelle's hospital room]

(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)

ESTELLE: You're back.

GEORGE: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.

ESTELLE: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.

GEORGE: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?

ESTELLE: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..

GEORGE: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation)

ESTELLE: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.

GEORGE: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?

ESTELLE: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!

GEORGE: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.

ESTELLE: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!

GEORGE: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.

ESTELLE: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.

(Nurse enters)

NURSE: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.

(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on the divider)

ESTELLE: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!

GEORGE: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: New York Health Club]

(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously looking around for JFK Jr.)

JOYCE: Hi!

ELAINE: Hi.

JOYCE: Did you get your hair done today?

ELAINE: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath)

JOYCE: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.

ELAINE: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?

JOYCE: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away)

(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction)

ELAINE: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!

JOYCE: (Uneasy) He asked about you.

ELAINE: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say?

JOYCE: He wanted to know your situation.

ELAINE: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?

JOYCE: I-I told him you were single.

ELAINE: That was good. That was very good.

JOYCE: He said you were just his type.

ELAINE: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.

JOYCE: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello.

(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, watching TV)

JERRY: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)

KRAMER: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..

JERRY: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus..

(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)

KRAMER: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..

(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, trying to over ride the other)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's room]

(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light. The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, she's sound asleep too)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack of sex)

GEORGE: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?

JERRY: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!

ELAINE: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.

JERRY: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)

GEORGE: Where did you get those socks?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I think those are my socks!

JERRY: How are these your socks?!

GEORGE: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!

GEORGE: Yeah, well, they're my socks!

JERRY: They're my socks!

(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)

GEORGE: Oh boy..

JERRY: What are we doing here..

GEORGE: ..Oh boy.

JERRY: This is ridiculous.

GEORGE: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.

JERRY: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.

GEORGE: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.

(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)

ELAINE: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up)

GEORGE: (Shocked) You caved?!

JERRY: It's over?

GEORGE: You're out?

JERRY: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.

(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)

GEORGE: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: It was..uh.. John-John.

JERRY AND GEORGE: Ohhhhh.. John-John.

JERRY: But you made it through the day before.

ELAINE: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.

JERRY: Why outside here?

ELAINE: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.

(George picks up the money, counting it)

JERRY: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.

GEORGE: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.

ELAINE: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)

MARLA: Let's go in the bedroom.

JERRY: Really?

MARLA: Yes.

JERRY: You sure?

MARLA: Yes.

JERRY: You really want to?

MARLA: I do. I'm ready.

JERRY: Okay..

MARLA: I know how difficult this must have been for you.

JERRY: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.

(They both laugh slightly)

MARLA: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, it's kinda silly, but..

(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously upset, is putting her coat on)

MARLA: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?

JERRY: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-

MARLA: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.

(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his chair, staring at the woman)

[Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying to hail a taxi]

ELAINE: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-

MARLA: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible.

Horrible! All of you!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: I told her about the contest.

ELAINE: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.

(George enters)

GEORGE: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: I thought you were meeting Kennedy.

ELAINE: (Let down) He didn't show.

GEORGE: Yeah, he did.

ELAINE: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..

GEORGE: No, no, no. He just left.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.

JERRY: Marla?

GEORGE: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away.

ELAINE: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?

GEORGE: Yeah.

ELAINE: They drove away?

GEORGE: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-

JERRY: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!

(All three crowd around the window)

ELAINE: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?

GEORGE: Kramer?!

(A brief pause)

ELAINE: He's waving..

(All three wave back)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's bedroom]

(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)

MARLA: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..

(Scene ends)

The End

S4E12 - The Airport

Broadcast date: November 25, 1992

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jennifer Campbell ..................... Tia

Scott Burkholder ...................... Prisoner

Jim J. Bullock ............................. Attendant #1

Allan Wasserman ...................... Grossbard

Lenny Rose ............................... Passenger #1

Karen Denise Williams ............... Attendant #2

Annie Korzen ............................ Passenger #2

Deck McKenzie .......................... Security Guard

Maggie Egan ............................. Ticket Clerk

Mark Christopher Lawrence ..... Sky Cap

Jack Graiman ............................. Cop

William Evan Masters ................. Driver

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small problem ``There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a little late, if you could be a little patient! We're just trying to get one of those little trucks to pull us up just a little closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.

[Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.]

ELAINE: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...

JERRY: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?

(They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with a Snapple truck....)

ELAINE: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.

JERRY: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?

ELAINE: Gimme ten bucks and find out...

JERRY: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister...

ELAINE: Yeah, worked out good.

JERRY: And here's the beauty--

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: George is pickin' us up at the airport.

ELAINE: Get out of here! Why?

JERRY: You know that awning outside my building?

ELAINE: Yeah...

JERRY: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.

ELAINE: So what happened?

JERRY: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything.

ELAINE: Hey, how we doin' on time?

JERRY: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...

ELAINE: Hey! Wait up!

JERRY: Hey! Wait up!

DRIVER: Sorry. Heh heh heh...

(The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty happy about it. )

(Finally inside, they check their luggage... )

SKYCAP: Where you goin'?

JERRY: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything?

ELAINE: Yeah, you want five?

JERRY: Gimme ten.

ELAINE: You're giving him ten dollars?

JERRY: Well, we got three bags.

ELAINE: That's a pretty big tip...

JERRY: That's what they get!

ELAINE: They don't get that much.

JERRY: Let's ask him.

ELAINE: We can't ask him...

JERRY: Let's see what he says.

ELAINE: Jerry, we don't have time for this...

JERRY: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.

SKYCAP: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.

JERRY: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.

SKYCAP: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...

JERRY: C'mon, seriously...

SKYCAP: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.

ELAINE: What!?

SKYCAP: That's right.

ELAINE: Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.

SKYCAP: Look, you asked, I told you.

ELAINE: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...

JERRY: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...

ELAINE: You're lucky I don't report you...

SKYCAP: JFK...

SKYCAP: ...Honolulu.

ELAINE: Wait up!

JERRY: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!

JERRY & ELAINE: The flight's been canceled?!?!

TICKET LADY: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now.

JERRY: We'll take 'em!

ELAINE: We're not going to sit together?

JERRY: Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read.

ELAINE: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.

JERRY: We'll call him...

ELAINE: There's no time.

JERRY: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?

TICKET LADY: There's no time.

JERRY: There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.

TICKET LADY: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.

(The two have that uncomfortable politeness that only comes about when you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks the silence:)

JERRY: I'll take the first class.

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Why should you get the first class?

JERRY: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't...

ELAINE: You flew here coach.

JERRY: Yeah, that's a point...

ELAINE: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.

JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

(They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard.)

ATTENDANT #1: Third row right...

(Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.)

ATTENDANT #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.

JERRY: Bon voyage, Lainey!

(Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class section by a drawn curtain and she goes to her seat. However, someone comes after her and:)

PASSENGER #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat...

(Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Laptop.)

PASSENGER #1: I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area.

ELAINE: Great... [To herself] Help me...

(Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the wrong seat:)

TIA: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...

JERRY: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... you!

[George and Kramer in the car.]

GEORGE: Hey, thanks for coming with me.

KRAMER: Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning?

GEORGE: I confused it with another awning.

KRAMER: So how we doin' on time?

GEORGE: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal exactly 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking out of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. (starts looking around) What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!

KRAMER: Will you relax?!

GEORGE: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing!

KRAMER: This is the best way to go!

GEORGE: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...

KRAMER: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop.

GEORGE: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is?

KRAMER: Duty.

GEORGE: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?

KRAMER: No, I dunno how much duty is.

GEORGE: Duty is nothing. It's like sales tax...

KRAMER: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.

GEORGE: I like to stop at the duty free shop.

(They start to "sing", growing more excited after each iteration:)

GEORGE & KRAMER: I like to stop at the duty free shop!

I like to stop at the duty free shop!

[Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go according to plan and all that boring dreck...]

TIA: So, he says, squeeze your breasts together'', and I say,I thought this was an ad for shoes''...

JERRY: Oh my...

TIA: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.

JERRY: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?

TIA: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?

JERRY: Uh-huh...

[In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic]

KRAMER: How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there...

[Back in, ugh, coach (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping beside her while the woman on her other side is reading a book. Elaine is looking rather, shall we say "pensive". She talks to herself]

ELAINE: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.

[On the bright side, Kramer and George arrive at the airport. They're running to the terminal:

GEORGE: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!

KRAMER: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!

(They find an arrival/departure screen)

GEORGE: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.

KRAMER: No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled.

GEORGE: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!

KRAMER: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.

(A bearded man comes up to the screen before they go)

GROSSBARD: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... [He leaves]

KRAMER: Did you see that guy?

GEORGE: No... What guy?

KRAMER: That guy.. He was just...

GEORGE: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name!

KRAMER: [still lost] I know that guy...

(We cut to the airport gift shop where a man in handcuffs and shackles is being led around by two FBI-looking types)

PRISONER: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine.

GUARD: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here.

(George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get it.)

PRISONER: Hey, I was gonna take that!

GEORGE: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.

PRISONER: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...

GEORGE: You don't understand, there's a blurb about me in this magazine!

PRISONER: A blurb?!? You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!

GUARD: All right, let's go...

(George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption ``Caught!'' written below.)

PRISONER: I want the magazine!

GEORGE: Umm... No.

PRISONER: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...

GEORGE: But you are Blanche... You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my Time magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!

(Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. He goes up to George.)

KRAMER: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.

GEORGE: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...

KRAMER: Where do I know that guy from?

[Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up so she can go to the bathroom.]

ELAINE: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! Wake up!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...

(Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.)

JERRY: Oh my... that is refreshing...

ATTENDANT: Would you care for some slippers?

JERRY: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?

TIA: Please!

JERRY: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.

(They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...)

GEORGE: My name is not mentioned in this blurb...

KRAMER: It's Grossbard!

GEORGE: Who's Grossbard?

KRAMER: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was always behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!

GEORGE: Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...

KRAMER: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy...

GEORGE: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You cannot abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back.

[Elaine is still waiting to get into the bathroom-- there's someone in there. Finally, a ZZ Top reject comes out of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in "The Smelly Car": ``I open the door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.]

[Jerry comes back from the first class washroom]

JERRY: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.

ATTENDANT: They're gardenias, mostly.

JERRY: I thought I smelled lilac.

ATTENDANT: Yes, there are a few of those, too...

TIA: It's almost overwhelming...

(The captain interrupts)

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience...

(Elaine exits the bathroom, exasperated and curiou)

ELAINE: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say?

[Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside to see if Jerry and Elaine are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer in the car.]

GEORGE: Well, You're not gonna believe it...

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: The plane's been re-routed back to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.

KRAMER: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee.

(Kramer peels out.)

[In first class, Jerry and Tia get the lowdown on the grub]

ATTENDANT: We have some delicious Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a hint of saffron.

JERRY: Oh, saffron! That sounds good.

ATTENDANT: And today we're featuring wines from the Tuscany region...

JERRY & TIA: Tuscany!

(They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the unwashed masses in coach and he's in her way.)

ELAINE: Hi. Can I get to my seat?

ATTENDANT: You're just gonna have to wait...

ELAINE: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy...

ATTENDANT: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.

ELAINE: Well, nobody told me that!

ATTENDANT: Look. This plane is full. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.

[Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)]

GEORGE: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.

KRAMER: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I still got time to catch him!

GEORGE: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already.

KRAMER: Gimme your credit card.

GEORGE: My credit card?

KRAMER: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.

GEORGE: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for!

KRAMER: I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight.

GEORGE: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.

KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.

GEORGE: This is a great idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get double the bonus miles.

[Back in coach, Elaine returns to her seat now that the attendant is done serving.]

ELAINE: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart...

PASSENGER #1: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.

ELAINE: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal?

PASSENGER #1: He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.

ELAINE: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.

ATTENDANT: Are you sure?

ELAINE: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.

ATTENDANT: Would you? Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.

ELAINE: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.

PASSENGER #1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something.

PASSENGER #2: No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig.

PASSENGER #1: They don't eat pigs!

PASSENGER #2: They do if it's killed right-- under a Rabbi's supervision.

PASSENGER #3: Oh, You know what? I ordered the kosher meal.

ELAINE: Then why didn't you take it?

PASSENGER #3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.

ELAINE: You're eating my food!

ATTENDANT: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not.

[Jerry and Tia enjoy a dessert treat]

JERRY & TIA: Mmmmmmmm!

TIA: This is the best sundae I've ever had.

JERRY: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.

TIA: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.

JERRY: Thank you...

JERRY & TIA: Mmmmmm!

(We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at something on the end of her fork with a decidedly unimpressed look. Back in first class)

ATTENDANT: More anything?

JERRY: More everything!

[Back at JFK]

KRAMER: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.

GEORGE: Super Savers? Are they refundable!?

GEORGE: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!

KRAMER: She talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal.

GEORGE: Do you know how much this is going to cost me?

KRAMER: Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you

GEORGE: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

(Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to a reply of ``Just a minute'' from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?)

[Elaine sneaks into first class. She just gets settled into a comfy seat complete with pillow, when all of a sudden]

ATTENDANT: Excuse me... Excuuuse me...

ELAINE: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.

ATTENDANT: What is your name?

ELAINE: Elaine Benes?

ATTENDANT: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.

ELAINE: No, but there was nobody sitting here...

ATTENDANT: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.

ELAINE: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got cookies!

ATTENDANT: You're going to have to go back to your seat!

ELAINE: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society without classes! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, coach] Do you realise that the people up here are getting cookies!

(The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket and napping)

JERRY: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on?

ATTENDANT: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.

JERRY: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door.

(They return to snuggling)

[Kramer is being escorted through the airport by a security guy. He tries to talk his way out]

KRAMER: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!

(He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly escapes.)

[Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure.]

JERRY: Couldn't be...

(After they get off the plane, Jerry & Elaine look for the boys and get their baggage)

JERRY: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... I got my bags, I'm ready to go.

ELAINE: Yeah, you got your bags...

[In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei.]

ELAINE: The worst flight I have been on in my entire life.

JERRY: Yeah, me too...

(He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of photographers.)

TIA: I'll call you.

JERRY: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing...

(Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out)

KRAMER: You guys ready?

JERRY: Yeah. Where's George?

[We go to a shot outside the plane looking in on a rather roughed up George Costanza. He screams]

GEORGE: (can't be heard but looks like) Kramer!

[Ending Monologue]

But I have to admit, I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is "standby", you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they call it standby-- you stand there going Bye!'' So I was on this flight where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference, I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you goingWould you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?'' It's like, 'Who the Hell are you?!''

The End

S4E13 - The Pick

Broadcast date: December 16, 1992

Written by Larry Charles

Story by Larry David and Marc Jaffe

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jennifer Campbell ................ Tia

Gina Hecht .......................... Dana Foley

Nicholas Hormann ............... Calvin Klein

Tony Carlin .......................... Fred

Francois Giroday ................. Male Executive

Blaire Baron ......................... Female Executive

Steve Schubert ..................... Man in Office

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

==================================================================

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: I loved her Jerry, I loved her.

JERRY: No, you didn't.

GEORGE: And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did.

JERRY: No she didn't.

GEORGE: What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back?

ELAINE: [OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her.

GEORGE: Who says?

ELAINE: You did.

GEORGE: Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.

JERRY: You walk around with no underwear?

GEORGE: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?

JERRY: I do a wash.

GEORGE: Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.

JERRY: When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.

GEORGE: I loved her!

JERRY: You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell.

GEORGE: I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.

GEORGE: I gotta call her. Should I call her?

JERRY: George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?

GEORGE: Whyie?

JERRY: You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.

GEORGE: I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.

JERRY: No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman.

ELAINE: Dana Folley.

JERRY: Right, Dana Folley.

GEORGE: She any good?

ELAINE: Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going?

GEORGE: Wa, uh, ...

ELAINE: Tia? Who's that?

JERRY: She's the model I met on the plane.

ELAINE: She sent you a Christmas card?

JERRY: Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night.

GEORGE: My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!

(They ignore George)

JERRY: What are you doing?

ELAINE: ... date with Fred.

JERRY: The religious guy?

ELAINE: He's not THAT religious.

JERRY: Let us pray.

(Kramer Enters)

KRAMER: Hey, you got any Double Crunch?

JERRY: Yeah.

JERRY: Kramer, should I call Susan?

KRAMER: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.

GEORGE: My little man doesn't know.

KRAMER: The little man knows all.

GEORGE: My little man's an idiot.

ELAINE: See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that.

KRAMER: You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ...

GEORGE: She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.

ELAINE: No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card.

KRAMER: No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.

GEORGE: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs.

KRAMER: All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture.

ELAINE: Really? Can you really take a picture?

JERRY: Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there.

ELAINE: All right, ha ha

KRAMER: I don't know about that outfit though.

ELAINE: Why? What's wrong with it?

KRAMER: Well, we'll have to improvise.

(Elaine and Kramer exit)

GEORGE: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...

JERRY: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

[Change of Scene Tia at Jerry's]

JERRY: So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here.

TIA: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment?

JERRY: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet.

TIA: That's horrible!

JERRY: What's that perfume you're wearing?

TIA: oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today.

JERRY: What is that smell?

TIA: It's here somewhere.

JERRY: It smells like the beach.

TIA: Exactly.

JERRY: Oh my God is that the new perfume?

TIA: Yeah.

JERRY: I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea.

TIA: Are you sure?

JERRY: And you're the model for this perfume?

(Noise)

JERRY: Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door [Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance]

KRAMER: Hey

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter]

JERRY: Yeah, uh, I'll see you later.

KRAMER: I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.

JERRY: All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.

KRAMER: Hello.

(Jerry pushes Tia back away from Kramer)

KRAMER: How tall are you?

TIA: Five ten.

KRAMER: Come on lets see - Back to Back.

JERRY: NO! Kramer!

KRAMER: What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.

JERRY: Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall.

KRAMER: What's that?

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: That smell. What's that smell?

JERRY: (starting the Dust Buster) What smell?

KRAMER: It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar.

JERRY: Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, ..

KRAMER: Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh?

JERRY: Okay.

KRAMER: Yeah. Nice meeting you.

TIA: Nice meeting you too.

JERRY: I'll see you later.

(Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him)

JERRY: Ooow, that was close.

KRAMER: [OC] THE BEACH!!!

(enters)

KRAMER: You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing.

TIA: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.

KRAMER: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.

JERRY: I know look at this [shows ad]

KRAMER: Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this.

(End of scene)

[Therapist's Office]

(George enters)

DANA: Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down.

GEORGE: Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing?

DANA: So uh, she broke up with you? ...

GEORGE: Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?

DANA: It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you?

GEORGE: What is with this damn zipper?

DANA: It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend.

GEORGE: It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out.

DANA: It doesn't matter, so ...

GEORGE: This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ...

DANA: George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name?

GEORGE: ... Susan.

DANA: Okay, we're getting somewhere.

GEORGE: UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket.

[Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE: Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam.

JERRY: Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble.

ELAINE: It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing.

JERRY: I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?

ELAINE: Well, you know. It's a picture?

JERRY: Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.

ELAINE: Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?

JERRY: ... um ...

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Did you look at look at this picture carefully?

ELAINE: Carefully?

JERRY: Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Here. Take a look. What, what is that?

ELAINE: (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.

JERRY: That's what I thought.

ELAINE: That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.

JERRY: DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?

ELAINE: Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey!

ELAINE: Have you seen the card?

KRAMER: What card?

ELAINE: This car.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.

ELAINE: Well did you notice anything unusual about it?

KRAMER: No.

ELAINE: Well come here and take a look.

KRAMER: Yeah, so?

ELAINE: So, what's that?

KRAMER: That's a nipple.

ELAINE: Right!!

KRAMER: Ooo!

ELAINE: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?

KRAMER: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,

ELAINE: It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.

JERRY: Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it.

ELAINE: No. I don't want him looking.

JERRY: Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.

ELAINE: Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred.

[Jerry enters with Newman]

NEWMAN: Okay. What is it?

JERRY: Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.

NEWMAN: Your nipple's showing.

JERRY: Okay. Thanks.

NEWMAN: Anything else?

JERRY: No.

NEWMAN: All right. See you later.

JERRY: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them.

KRAMER: I got them too.

JERRY: Everybody's got them.

[Therapist's Office]

DANA: You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ...

GEORGE: Pull it up a little bit.

DANA: Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it.

GEORGE: Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate.

DANA: No. Let me try...

GEORGE: Take it right off the chest...

DANA: Ugh, ..

GEORGE: You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it.

DANA: YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop.

GEORGE: Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?

DANA: Yeah.

GEORGE: (stares at card)

[Jerry's car - BMW]

[Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him, in shock. Cab pulls away.]

JERRY: No, No, No, No, Oh, No.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry hanging up phone)

JERRY: Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call.

GEORGE: Was it a scratch or a pick?

JERRY: It was a scratch.

GEORGE: Hey. It's me.

JERRY: Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch?

(Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (OC) It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

GEORGE: Was there any nostril penetration?

JERRY: There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call.

GEORGE: So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what?

JERRY: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?

GEORGE: I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.

JERRY: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?

GEORGE: No. That's disgusting!

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card] Oh please!

GEORGE: Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

ELAINE: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Got any Double Crunch?

JERRY: yeah. I think I do.

KRAMER: What's that perfume?

ELAINE: What, Ocean.

KRAMER: That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.

JERRY: I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light.

KRAMER: I thought you said it was a scratch.

JERRY: But that's not what she thinks.

GEORGE: Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls.

JERRY: All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now.

KRAMER: Let's go.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: It'll be different this time.

SUSAN: I need someone a little more stable.

GEORGE: I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza!

SUSAN: People don't change.

GEORGE: I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.

SUSAN: I'm not a soft boiled egg.

GEORGE: And I am not a piece of toast.

SUSAN: I just don't think we have anything in common.

GEORGE: That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.

SUSAN: Why were there so many cockroaches?

GEORGE: Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments [grins]

SUSAN: And they got along?

GEORGE: Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work!

[Trump Towers]

KRAMER: I want to talk to Calvin.

SECRETARY: You can't go in there.

KRAMER: Let me talk to Calvin.

[Kramer enters office]

TIA: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah, uh.

CALVIN KLEIN: Who are you?

KRAMER: I'm here to talk about the ocean.

CALVIN KLEIN: Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? [Tia leaves]

KRAMER: Now I don't want any trouble Calvin.

CALVIN KLEIN: Neither do I.

[Outside office]

JERRY: Hello there you are.

TIA: What are you doing here?

JERRY: Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls.

TIA: Well, I've been busy.

JERRY: Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick)

TIA: (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this..

JERRY: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.

TIA: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)

JERRY: But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick!

TIA: I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry)

JERRY: No! No pick!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]

(Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein)

KRAMER: All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies..

KLEIN: (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..

KRAMER: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me.

KLEIN: You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful.

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

KLEIN: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular..

KRAMER: You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.

KLEIN: You're spectacular.

KRAMER: (Flattered) Oh?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas card)

ELAINE: I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it.

FRED: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!

ELAINE: Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it.

FRED: I really don't see how you could miss a button like that.

ELAINE: Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?..

RECEPTIONIST: Your sister, Gail.

ELAINE: Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.

CO-WORKER: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home?

ELAINE: Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Susan's apartment building]

(George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to Susan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk to an execution; she's mellow and happy)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]

(A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer is no where in sight)

WOMAN: About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of self-consciousness!

KLEIN: His buttocks are sublime!

MAN: Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room.

WOMAN: (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately.

(Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually falling down. Fortunately, the other people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves)

MAN: You've done it again, C.K.!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein office building]

(In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry, deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd)

JERRY: An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred)

ELAINE: I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!

(Scene ends)

[Monk's]

GX: So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick.

JERRY: The pick?

ELAINE: The pick?

GEORGE: She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face.

JERRY: I think I've seen that look.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out.

JERRY: Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.

GEORGE: Your buttocks are spectacular.

ELAINE: Oh my!

KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: I'm not sure but... I think I see your...

The End

S4E14 - The Movie

Broadcast date: January 6, 1993

Written by Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters, Jon Hayman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Barry Diamond .................. Buckles

Perry Anzilotti ................... Usher

Tom La Grua ..................... Kernis

Eric Poppick ....................... Maurice

Cathy Lind Hayes ............. Woman Behind Elaine

Allan Kolman ..................... Cab Driver

Molly Cleator .................... Cashier

Christie Mellor .................. Concessionaire

Jeff Norman ...................... Man in Line

Paul Eisenhauer ................. Man in Theatre

Montrose Hagins .............. Woman in Theatre

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet.

% A night at the Improv. Jerry receives some disturbing news from the manager: The show has been delayed.

JERRY: You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50, I'm not gonna be able to make it!

% As impeccable and precise in his business dealings as he is with his apartment.

KERNIS: I hear you, guy.

JERRY: And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!

% In the background is the plot complication of the week: Buckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out.

KERNIS: Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?

JERRY: No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 10:30.

% On consideration, Jerry decides to take the 11 o'clock spot and skip the movie. Jerry is on his way out the door when Buckles spots him.

BUCKLES: Hey, Jer!

JERRY: [not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]

% At the Paragon Theater, George joins the end of a queue. He taps the shoulder of the man in front of him.

GEORGE: Excuse me, do you have a ticket?

MAN: No.

GEORGE: Okay. Good.

% Misunderstanding number one: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 9:15, not 9:50. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to...

BUCKLES: Jerry!

JERRY: What are <you> doing here?

BUCKLES: Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!''

% And you're no Jack Kennedy. Jerry is understandably unimpressed. He tries to escape, but Buckles won't let him. Jerry is on his way to the theater to tell his friends he can't make it, then back to the Improv. Buckles offers to join him and split the fare. ``I've got time! It'll give us a chance to know each other a little better!'' Elaine joins George in the queue.

ELAINE: I've been dying to see ``CheckMate''.

GEORGE: Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.

ELAINE: ``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!

GEORGE: ``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!

ELAINE: Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!

GEORGE: Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.

% Apparently, a movie that can be interpreted on two levels. Misunderstanding number two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye.

KRAMER: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.

GEORGE & ELAINE: No, wait!

GEORGE: You're not going to get back here in time!

KRAMER: I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!

ELAINE: You can get a hot dog in the theater.

KRAMER: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!

ELAINE: Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.

KRAMER: Well, just save me a seat.

% This touches a raw nerve.

ELAINE: No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident!

% Kramer just asks for his ticket, but George doesn't have them.

GEORGE: I'm in line to buy.

ELAINE: No, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line.

GEORGE: No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line.

ELAINE: Then how come we're not moving?

KRAMER: Good question.

% George addresses the man in front of him.

GEORGE: Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers?

% George gloats, knowing what the answer is going to be.

MAN: Holders.

% Instant double-take.

GEORGE: But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no!

MAN: I didn't. My friend was getting it.

GEORGE: [furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.

% Misunderstanding number three. George goes to get tickets, leaving Elaine and Kramer to talk behind his back.

ELAINE: Can you believe him?

KRAMER: He's spaced out.

% Let him who is without sin, Kramer.

ELAINE: How long would you have stood in the ticket-holders line?

KRAMER: [thinks for a while]

ELAINE: [gives up] Yeah, exactly...

% The movie has sold out. ``Real good, George. Real good.'' It's now 10:20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 10:45 showing of "CheckMate" at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode.

ELAINE: I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!

GEORGE: It's the same movie! What's the difference?

ELAINE: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

% But she gives in. New plan. George and Elaine will get tickets at the Paradise, while Kramer waits at the Paragon to tell Jerry of the change in plans. But Kramer can't keep his eye off the Papaya King sign, flashing, beckoning, practically begging... Jerry suffers through Buckles' telling of his life story in the taxi.

JERRY: [to taxi driver] Take the Park!

BUCKLES: No no no, take 55th.

% Jerry can't stand it. Buckles somehow drifted onto the subject of fish and how much he hates it.

BUCKLES: Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!

JERRY: [rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!

BUCKLES: I had a point?

% At the Paradise, George succeeds in obtaining the tickets, and he joins Elaine in the ticket-holders line. (Right?)

GEORGE: Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

ELAINE: Sigh/Ugh.

GEORGE: I wouldn't mind seein' <that>.

ELAINE: Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

GEORGE: So what's your point?

% Yeah, what's your point?

GEORGE: By the way, you owe me seven fifty.

ELAINE: Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?

GEORGE: No, I don't have any change.

ELAINE: Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.

GEORGE: Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay you later.

ELAINE: Yeah, you could...

GEORGE: Might be easier.

ELAINE: I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.

GEORGE: [trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: So... Can I have it?

ELAINE: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.

GEORGE: Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?

ELAINE: I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.

GEORGE: I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy you a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.

ELAINE: [exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.

% The line begins to move. George offers to wait outside for K+J.

GEORGE: You go in and save seats.

ELAINE: [in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!

% With extreme reluctance, Elaine goes on ahead to save seats.

% The taxi is stuck in traffic. Jerry bawls out Buckles for choosing 55th on a Saturday night. Buckles considers how various famous people would react to be stuck in traffic, using Jerry as an unwilling guinea pig for his material.

BUCKLES: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.

JERRY: That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.

BUCKLES: Jerry! Don't start up with me!

JERRY: I gotta get out of this cab...

BUCKLES: But Jerry, quit riffing!

JERRY: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?

BUCKLES: [pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?

% Apparently, not.

[Elaine does her best to save three seats.]

ELAINE: No, these are saved.

MAN: All of them? C'mon, you can't take four seats.

ELAINE: What, is that a rule?

% George comes in; J+K haven't appeared. Elaine sends George to the Paragon to give Kramer his and Jerry's tickets. Throughout the conversation, Elaine fends off would-be claim-jumpers.

GEORGE: Well, why don't you go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.

ELAINE: [stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, TAKEN, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.

% George returns to one of his favorite topics.

GEORGE: Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.

ELAINE: Can we do this later, George?

GEORGE: Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you.

% Kramer stands, mesmerized by the sign that reads, ``100% pure fresh beef. Tastier than Filet Mignon.'' He rushes to the ticket booth.

KRAMER: Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?

% Elaine is accosted from all sides.

ELAINE: No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!

WOMAN: Which one?

ELAINE: These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!

% She can't take it any longer.

ELAINE: Oh, take 'em.

% George reaches the ticket booth of the Paragon.

GEORGE: Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?

CLERK: ... flared nostrils?

GEORGE: Yeah.

CLERK: Nope, haven't seen him.

% George leaves, unsuccessful.

[Jerry gets out of the cab in front of the Paragon.]

BUCKLES: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, please, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?

JERRY: Your trench coat in my closet?

% It's not like he's asking for a ride to the airport or anything.

BUCKLES: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world.

% Jerry sanely declines. Jerry doesn't see any of his friends, so he figures they're inside. He'll go in to tell them he can't join them.

BUCKLES: We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.

JERRY: No thanks, maybe some other time.

BUCKLES: Really? Do you really mean that?

JERRY: No, I don't.

% Brutal honesty once again saves the day.

BUCKLES: You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?

JERRY: No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.

% Jerry pays his half of the fare then approaches the entrance to the Paragon.

JERRY: Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?

USHER: [indicates ``okay'']

% Just after Jerry goes inside, Kramer clomps to the ticket booth at warp speed, clutching a precious Papaya King hot dog in his hand.

KRAMER: Hey, did that guy show up?

CLERK: The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth...

KRAMER: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.

CLERK: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.

% Behind Elaine, a women chats loudly with her friend.

WOMAN: So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that?

WOMAN: And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent.

ELAINE: [annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.

WOMAN: What's the problem?

ELAINE: [momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.

WOMAN: It's the ``Coming Attractions''.

% Elaine collects her things and leaves.

WOMAN: So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...

% At the entrance to the Paradise Twin, George is stopped by the usher.

USHER: Ticket, sir?

GEORGE: Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?

USHER: Do you have your stub?

GEORGE: [as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?

USHER: Mm hm.

% George sifts through his pockets, going on about how he never needed a stub before.

GEORGE: You don't remember me?

USHER: It's a big city, sir.

GEORGE: I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan?

% Unable to find his stub, George gives him Kramer's ticket. The ticket-taker tears the ticket and gives George the stub. George goes into the ``CheckMate'' theater just as Elaine leaves it through the other door. Like two dips, passing in the night.

GEORGE: [whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine!

% Various movie patrons tell George to shut up.

GEORGE: [quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!

% He is quickly shouted down, making his escape through the exit. The exit to the street.

[In the theater at the Paragon, Jerry whispers ``Elaine'' and, hearing no response, gives up.]

NARRATOR: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

% Something about this preview attracts Jerry's attention. Not sure exactly what, though...

NARRATOR: It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2.

%Meanwhile, Kramer gives up waiting outside the Paragon. Seconds thereafter, Jerry rushes out of the theater and hails a cab. Or tries to.

[Elaine reaches the concessions stand and has to deal with the perky clerk.]

ELAINE: Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?

CLERK: Do you want the Medium size or the middle size?

ELAINE: What's the difference?

CLERK: Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.

ELAINE: [momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?

CLERK: There is no small. Small is Medium.

ELAINE: What's... medium?

CLERK: Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.

ELAINE: Oh-kay. Gimme the large.

CLERK: That's medium.

ELAINE: Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?

CLERK: There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small.

ELAINE: What's `medium'?

CLERK: Adult.

ELAINE: Do adults ever order the child-size?

CLERK: [chuckling] Not usually.

ELAINE: [laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.

CLERK: Do you want butter?

ELAINE: Is it real butter?

CLERK: [perkily] It's butter-flavored!

ELAINE: [exasperated] What is it made of?

CLERK: [perkily] It's yellow!

% Leaving the inanities of modern marketing aside, we switch to Jerry, still outside trying to hail a cab. He finally gets one. The driver speaks with a Russian accent.

JERRY: 44th and 9th.

DRIVER: Have you got a cigarette?

JERRY: No.

% George once again tries to get past the ticket-taker.

USHER: Ticket, sir?

GEORGE: We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago!

USHER: I need to see your stub.

GEORGE: [realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.

% George empties his pockets in a quest for a ticket stub. No dice.

GEORGE: There you go, okay? That's my other friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets.

% George goes past the concessions stand, not seeing Elaine, who is searching her pocketbook for change to pay for her popcorn and drink.

USHER: Ticket, sir?

KRAMER: Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside.

USHER: Go ahead.

% George dwells at the ``Rochelle Rochelle'' sign for what must be the 5th time this episode. Kramer heads straight into the theater.

KRAMER: Is that seat taken?

Woman Behind ELAINE: It's all yours.

% Kramer lankily stumbles into the seat, but finds the fit uncomfortable.

Driver: I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.

JERRY: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?

DRIVER: [taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!

% Jerry nervously glances at his watch.

(Elaine returns to the theater, arms laden with popcorn and soda, trying to find her seat. Various patrons tell her to sit down already. She is finally shouted down and pushed out of the aisle, causing her to spill most of her popcorn in the process. George sits in a half-empty theater watching ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Not a female audience member in sight.)

MAN: You're soaking wet. Who are you?

ROCHELLE: My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.

MAN: Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold.

ROCHELLE: Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.

% George is clearly waiting to see Rochelle's other buttons.

ROCHELLE: Oh, that's much better. Much...

(A tall man sits down in front of George, blocking his view of Rochelle's Christmas cards. Elaine stumbles to the ticket-taker, trying to shake popcorn out of her hair.)

ELAINE: I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!

USHER: There's a seat in the front row.

ELAINE: No no, I can't sit in the front row.

USHER: Well, you're going to have to wait, then.

ELAINE: I can't stand around here for two hours!

USHER: I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

ELAINE: [heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.

% Elaine plods off, then realizes she had something else to say.

ELAINE: Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

USHER: Haven't seen him.

% Meanwhile, at a service station, the taxi driver assures Jerry that they will be leaving very soon. He'll just go across the street to buy a cigarette.

% From his pocket, Kramer digs into his treasured Papaya King hot dog. Then discovers the source of his discomfort: He's sitting on a coat.

JERRY: Hey, did I make it?

KERNIS: Sorry.

JERRY: Oh, great. That's great. What a night.

% Off-screen, we hear appreciative applause.

ANNOUNCER: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!

% Jerry spots Buckles.

JERRY: You got my spot?

BUCKLES: That athlete's foot bit killed!

JERRY: Really...

BUCKLES: Do you think I need to lose some weight?

JERRY: Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.

JERRY: My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...

BUCKLES: Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

JERRY: ``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?

BUCKLES: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

JERRY: [his interest piqued] Minsk?

% George and Elaine watch ``Rochelle Rochelle'' in different parts of the theater. Also there are Jerry and Buckles. George and Buckles seem to be enjoying the movie; Jerry and Elaine can't deal with it.

ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break!

% George turns, as does Jerry.

JERRY: Elaine?

% Elaine's face lights up.

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: Elaine!

VOICE: [whispered] Shut up.

GEORGE: Jerry?

JERRY: George?

GEORGE: Elaine?

ELAINE: George! [waves hi]

% Another prized Seinfeld moment, soon to be copycatted around the country.

JERRY: Hey, where's Kramer?

VOICE: [whispered] Will you shut up?

ELAINE: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what!

JERRY: Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.

BUCKLES: You're leaving?

JERRY: Yeah.

% The music from the movie continues over the next, heart-rending scene...

BUCKLES: [holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.

JERRY: I don't want the coat.

BUCKLES: Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!

% Jerry, Elaine, and George fill each other in on their respective miseries out in the lobby.

GEORGE: [studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.

JERRY: I didn't even use the ticket!

GEORGE: I still paid for it!

% Kramer wanders out of ``CheckMate'', his newly-found coat draped casually over his shoulders. Jerry looks through his wallet.

JERRY: I only have a twenty.

ELAINE: That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?

KRAMER: It was on the seat...

ELAINE: YOU took my seat!?

GEORGE: You uh owe me for the ticket.

KRAMER: Yeah, right...

ELAINE: What is that stain [on my coat]?

KRAMER: It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?

[Closing Monologue]

I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit, but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie talking with his friends, going: Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the &lt;beginning&gt;... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him]Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''

The End

S4E15 - The Visa

Broadcast date: January 27, 1993

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brian George ....................... Babu Bhatt

Maggie Han ......................... Cheryl

Ping Wu ............................... Ping

John Hamelin ....................... Babu's Brother

Gerry Bednob ..................... Babu's Friend

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."

[George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental woman.]

GEORGE: So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?

CHERYL: Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization.

GEORGE: What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural?

CHERYL (laughing) Are your friends as funny as you?

GEORGE: No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno.

(Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.)

ELAINE: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you

JERRY: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.

ELAINE: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.

JERRY: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.

(Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.)

CHERYL: Here's my card.

GEORGE: Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.

CHERYL: Nice meeting you.

GEORGE: Yeah.

(Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine.)

ELAINE: Hi!

JERRY: Hey, how ya doin?

GEORGE: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.

ELAINE: What, the one who just left?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go.

ELAINE: Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.

JERRY: (looking behind the counter) Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu!

BABU: Jerry!

JERRY: Look at you, you got the job.

BABU: Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.

JERRY: Oh, I didn't do anything.

BABU: Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.

JERRY: Come on.

BABU: You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do.

(Cut back to George and Elaine.)

GEORGE: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.

ELAINE: No they don't.

GEORGE: Ooooh, yes they do.

ELAINE: Nooo.

GEORGE: Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money.

(Elaine nods her head in approval.)

GEORGE: You mean that's true, I'm right?!

JERRY: Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.

BABU: Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.

JERRY: Ok, I'll see you around the building.

BABU: I'll see you in the building.

JERRY: (returning to the table) Remember Babu Bhatt?

GEORGE: Who's he?

JERRY: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah.

JERRY: Can you bring my mail then?

GEORGE: What mail?

ELAINE: I picked up his mail while he was on the road

GEORGE: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?

JERRY: Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?

JERRY: Monday, I think.

GEORGE: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.

JERRY: Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.

(George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table and Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.)

JERRY: ...he never heard of corduroy!

CHERYL: (howling with laughter) Stop it, you're killing me!!

JERRY: He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story.

(Dream sequence ends.)

GEORGE: No, no I don't think so.

ELAINE: Why?

GEORGE: Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.

JERRY: I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.

GEORGE: She might not be comfortable.

ELAINE: Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.

JERRY: We'll be funny.

GEORGE: No! No. It's not good, I don't think so.

ELAINE: Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven.

JERRY: No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.

[George and Cheryl are at Isabella's.]

GEORGE: (tasting the wine) Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.

(Cheryl laughs.)

GEORGE: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.

(Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.)

JERRY: Look who's here! Georgie-boy!

GEORGE: What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?

ELAINE: No, I talked him into it.

GEORGE: What happened to the auto show?

JERRY: Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model.

ELAINE: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.

(Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine away from their table.)

ELAINE (to Cheryl, who's rising to shake her outstretched hand) Hi.

GEORGE: Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.

JERRY (shaking hands in turn) Hi, nice to meet you.

CHERYL: Would you like to join us?

GEORGE: Oh no no no, they don't want to join us.

CHERYL: Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.

ELAINE: Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together?

GEORGE: (as the others are repositioning the tables) No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.

ELAINE: Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me--

GEORGE: No! No.

ELAINE: No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?

GEORGE: (interrupting) You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...

ELAINE: Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued.

CHERYL: Oh? What happened?

ELAINE: Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.

CHERYL: Was he Chinese?

ELAINE: Yeah.

CHERYL: Is your last name Benes?

JERRY: How did you know?

CHERYL: Ping is my cousin!

ELAINE: No!

JERRY: That's so funny!

CHERYL: I'm handling his case!

ELAINE: What? You're Cheryl Fong?

CHERYL: That's right!

(By now, they're all laughing.)

ELAINE: Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!

CHERYL: Yeah, I know!

ELAINE: Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case?

CHERYL: Will you excuse me? I have to make a call.

ELAINE: Tell Ping I said hello.

JERRY: Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.

(They all laugh as Cheryl walks away.)

GEORGE (suddenly not laughing) What are you doing? What are you doing?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: This is not good. This is not good.

JERRY: What's the matter?

GEORGE: I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.

JERRY: Biff?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: You're not worried about that?

GEORGE: No, of course not.

JERRY: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?

ELAINE: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.

JERRY: Well, should we leave?

GEORGE: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

ELAINE: This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?

JERRY: I don't have to be funny, I don't care.

GEORGE: You don't?

JERRY: No way! It's completely under my control.

ELAINE: No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.

JERRY: Of course I can, am I being funny now?

ELAINE: A little.

JERRY: Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: George, is this funny?

GEORGE: It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either.

ELAINE: What? What did I do?

(Cheryl returns.)

GEORGE: Hi.

JERRY: (subdued, almost somber) Hello. Welcome back.

CHERYL: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.

ELAINE: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?

JERRY: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

GEORGE: Funny guy, huh?

[Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment.]

ELAINE: Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.

JERRY: Well thank you very much, it's about time.

ELAINE: Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.

JERRY: Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.

ELAINE: Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.

JERRY: (leafing through his mail) Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris.

(They hear a noise from the hallway.)

JERRY: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.

KRAMER: Well, the camp ended a few days early.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Uh, well there was an incident.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.

ELAINE: You punched who in the mouth?

KRAMER: Mickey Mantle.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.

JERRY: Wow! Joe Pepitone!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.

JERRY: You plunked him.

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

JERRY: Wow, this is incredible!

(A voice is heard from the hallway.)

BABU: Leave me alone! You can't do this to me!

JERRY: What's going on out there?

BABU: What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad.

JERRY: Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.

ELAINE: (to Kramer) Yeah, so?

KRAMER: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"

ELAINE: So what'd you do?

KRAMER: Well, I got the hell out of there.

JERRY (running back in) They took Babu away!

ELAINE: They took Babu away?!

JERRY: Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame.

BABU (calling from the street) Jerry! Jerry! Help me!

JERRY: I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!

KRAMER: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.

JERRY: (thumbing through his mail) Uh oh.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Well this is interesting.

ELAINE: What is it?

JERRY: It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.

KRAMER: Well, doesn't he need that?

[Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened.

ELAINE: Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up.

JERRY: Yeah, so am I being funny now?

ELAINE: No, actually, you're not being funny now.

JERRY: See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now.

GEORGE: No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.

JERRY: Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired.

GEORGE: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.

JERRY: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.

GEORGE: Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.

JERRY: Ah, will you stop it already?

GEORGE: Jerry, please?

JERRY: How long is this gonna go on?

GEORGE: Till I'm comfortable.

JERRY: Well, when is that gonna be?

GEORGE: After consummation.

JERRY: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.

[Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop.]

CHERYL: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.

JERRY: (somber) That's wonderful news. Thank you.

CHERYL: You're a very serious person, aren't you?

JERRY: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.

CHERYL: I understand.

(Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.)

CHERYL: I think it's curdled.

JERRY: I don't care.

CHERYL: Do you ever laugh?

JERRY: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.

CHERYL: That's so sad. What do you do?

JERRY: I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful.

ELAINE: (entering as Jerry heads to the register) Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?

JERRY: Yeah, I'll just pay for this.

ELAINE: Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi.

CHERYL: Hi.

ELAINE: Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case.

CHERYL: Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.

ELAINE (laughing) You're kidding.

CHERYL (laughing) No, I'm not.

[Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.]

JERRY: Babu!

BABU: Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!

JERRY: You remember Elaine.

BABU: Yes, yes of course!

ELAINE: Nice to meet you.

BABU: So nice of you both to come.

JERRY: Oh, Babu.

BABU: No no, you're both very kind, very kind.

JERRY& ELAINE (in unison) Oh, well, you know.

ELAINE: We try.

JERRY: We do what we can.

ELAINE: We do what we can.

BABU: The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.

JERRY: Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.

BABU: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.

JERRY: Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.

BABU: Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.

JERRY: Oh, I don't want to bother you.

BABU: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man.

JERRY: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.

BABU: Come again?

JERRY: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.

ELAINE: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.

BABU: You had my Visa application?!

JERRY: Well not technically.

BABU: (extremely and suddenly agitated) I kill you!!

JERRY: Well what about her?

BABU: I kill both of you!!

JERRY: Babu?!

BABU: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!

JERRY: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!

BABU: The wheels are in motion?

JERRY: The wheels are in motion, things are happening!

[George and Cheryl are parked.]

GEORGE: Jerry?

CHERYL: I'm very attracted to him.

GEORGE: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.

CHERYL: He never said anything funny.

GEORGE: He can't not be funny.

CHERYL: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.

GEORGE: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.

CHERYL: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?

GEORGE: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.

CHERYL: I gotta go.

GEORGE: Well, should I call you later?

CHERYL: Please don't.

GEORGE: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!

[Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?

JERRY: I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care

of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?

GEORGE: It's George.

JERRY: C'mon up.

(They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.)

JERRY: Babu must be back.

BABU'S BROTHER: Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you?

JERRY: Where's Babu?

BABU'S BROTHER: He is in Pakistan!

JERRY: Who are you?

BABU'S BROTHER: I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed.

JERRY: I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.

BABU'S BROTHER: Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!

ELAINE: (offering a drink) Snapple?

BABU'S BROTHER: No, too fruity.

(Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.)

JERRY: Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa.

GEORGE: She didn't help him?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Where is he?

JERRY: He's in Pakistan.

GEORGE: Oh boy.

JERRY: What do you mean, oh boy?

GEORGE: Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.

JERRY: Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.

GEORGE: What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.

JERRY: That's because she had my mail.

(Kramer enters.)

ELAINE: Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp.

KRAMER: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.

JERRY: How could you go in there?

KRAMER: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!

JERRY: Well, what happened?

KRAMER: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!"

ELAINE: So, what did he do?

KRAMER: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.

(There's a knock on Kramer's door.)

VOICE: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah? It's my Chinese food.

(Ping enters with a bag of food.)

ELAINE: Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me.

PING: Not anymore.

ELAINE: What?

PING: Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on.

ELAINE: Why?

PING: She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby.

(Ping exits.)

[Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan]

BABU: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here.

BABU'S FRIEND: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?

BABU: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.

[Closing monologue]

I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't we just say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'

The End

S4E16 - The Shoes

Broadcast date: February 4, 1993

Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Gina Hecht .......................... Dana (Foley)

Anita Barone ....................... Gail Cunningham

Michael Ornstein .................. Waiter

Denise Lee Richards ............ Molly

rc: Bob Balaban .................... Russell Dalrimple

==================================================================

[Open Monologue]

The basic problem with the beginning of the relationship, I think, is that each person has their own sexual time-table of what should happen when, that the other person knows nothing about. That's why I really think we need some sort of sexual rulebook, where it's written down and agreed upon - sexual, standard, dating procedure. Know what I mean? So if there's any problems, you can go, (takes a small booklet out of his inside pocket) "Look, honey, I'm very sorry, but we've been out three times, and according to Article 7, Section 5, there's got to be some physical contact, as you can see." (Gestures to the booklet.) "Otherwise, I will report you to the board, and they can put out a warrant for an embrace."

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and George, working on the script for the "Jerry" pilot episode.)

GEORGE (writing on a notepad): Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!"

JERRY (copying it down and grinning): That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny.

GEORGE (laughing): I'll tell you something, I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this!

JERRY: Yeah, it's funny!

GEORGE: I mean, how funny is this?

JERRY (low voice): It's funny.

GEORGE: I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny!

JERRY: It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today.

GEORGE: Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her.

JERRY: Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.

GEORGE: Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. Umm, We should try and get her into this scene.

JERRY: Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters.

GEORGE: Right

JERRY: (Thinks) What does she say...?

GEORGE (thinking): I don't know, what do women say?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.

JERRY: You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.

GEORGE: Alright, forget Elaine.

JERRY: Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER (to Jerry): You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.

JERRY: Did you talk to her?

KRAMER: Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking you know, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I you know ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here?

JERRY: So what happened?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never you know went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight.

JERRY: Yeah, I know about the three dates.

KRAMER: You know what I did? I snubbed her.

JERRY: What do you mean, you snubbed her?

KRAMER: I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word.

JERRY (smiling): Right by her?

KRAMER: Right by her!

JERRY (to George, hugs Kramer happily): What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. But your loyalty is beyond question.

KRAMER: Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is showing her the script.)

ELAINE (throws the script at Jerry): I'm not even in here!

JERRY: Yeah, I know.

ELAINE: Well, I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes.

JERRY: Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and...

ELAINE: You couldn't "keep track" of everybody?

JERRY: Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is.

ELAINE: You have no idea?

JERRY: Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.)

GAIL (to Jerry): I thought I'd find you here.

JERRY: Well, Gail Cunningham.

ELAINE: Hi, Gail.

GAIL: Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer?

JERRY: Why?

GAIL: He snubbed me.

JERRY: Are you sure?

GAIL: Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?

JERRY: Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.)

ELAINE: I thought you were finished.

JERRY: I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite?

GAIL: So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?

JERRY: I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.

GAIL: Well, tell him that I am mad at him.

JERRY: Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?

GAIL: Pfeiffer's.

JERRY: Ah, the power lunch crowd.

GAIL (to Elaine): Nice shoes!

ELAINE: Oh. Thank you.

GAIL: Where'd you get 'em?

ELAINE (modest): They're um, Botticelli's.

GAIL (impressed): Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there.

ELAINE: Really.

JERRY: Would you care to join us?

GAIL: No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.)

JERRY: See ya.

ELAINE (irritated, imitates Gail): "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's."

JERRY: That bothered you?

ELAINE: Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me.

JERRY: It did?

ELAINE: Yes! Couldn't you see that?

JERRY (thinks): No. This is why you're not in the pilot.

[George in a session with Dana, his therapist.]

DANA: Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress.

GEORGE: Yeah, I feel like I've grown.

DANA: Good. So, let's pick up on this next week.

GEORGE: Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script?

DANA: Yes, yes I did.

GEORGE (beaming): Well, what'd you think?

DANA (unenthusiastic): Uh...it was...good.

GEORGE: You didn't like it?

DANA: Well, no, I -

GEORGE: I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it?

DANA: It wasn't funny.

GEORGE: It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?

DANA: No, I didn't find it funny.

GEORGE: You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for?

DANA: Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that.

GEORGE: Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...um we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.

DANA: George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism.

GEORGE: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do.

DANA: I think you'd better go.

GEORGE: Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak!

[Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both standing by the door. Elaine enters.]

GEORGE (immediately, to Elaine): So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that?

ELAINE: I guess she didn't think it was funny.

GEORGE: Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee!

JERRY: I thought your mother's paying for it.

GEORGE: And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person."

JERRY (to Elaine): You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me.

ELAINE: What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.)

JERRY (catches Elaine): Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought.

ELAINE: Well, you know, I...

KRAMER: I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)

JERRY: You what?

KRAMER: Yeah, I kissed her.

JERRY: You kissed her?

KRAMER: Right on the mouth.

JERRY: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing?

KRAMER: Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.)

JERRY: And what did she do?

KRAMER: She kissed me back.

JERRY: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?

KRAMER (realizing): Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!

GEORGE: No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.)

KRAMER (to Elaine): Ooh, so...I understand you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.

ELAINE: What? Who told you that?

KRAMER: Gail Cunningham.

ELAINE: I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?

KRAMER: Well, you know, we were just talking, and uh she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.

ELAINE (angrily): "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.)

JERRY: So what?

ELAINE: So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...)

[Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant. Elaine marches in.]

ELAINE: Hey! Gail!

GAIL: Ya. (noticing it's Elaine) Elaine...!

ELAINE: Why are you talking about my shoes?

GAIL: What?

ELAINE: My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes.

GAIL: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.)

WAITER: Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera?

GAIL: Look Elaine, I am very busy here.

ELAINE: Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation!

GAIL: I am not discussing this. This is insane.

WAITER: You got that pasta primavera? Let's go!

GAIL: Ya ya ya, here.

(Gail passes the plate to the waiter in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on it. The waiter brings the pasta to the dining room and serves it to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC.)

WAITER: Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.

RUSSELL: Thank you.

WAITER: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.

[Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment to discuss the script.]

RUSSELL (opening the door): Well, come in. (They shake hands.)

JERRY & GEORGE: Hi.

RUSSELL: Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week.

JERRY: Are you alright?

RUSSELL: Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch.

JERRY: Oh, Where did you eat?

RUSSELL: Pfeiffer's.

JERRY: Ah. I know the chef there.

RUSSELL: Yeah. The food's usually terrific.

GEORGE: My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.)

RUSSELL: What are you saying?

GEORGE: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee.

RUSSELL: Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon.

JERRY: Oh, you have a daughter?

RUSSELL: Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week.

GEORGE: Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.)

RUSSELL: Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.)

JERRY: What?

RUSSELL: Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.)

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.)

JERRY: I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...?

GEORGE: Pasta primavera.

JERRY: Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.'

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: Yeah.

RUSSELL (coming out of the bathroom): Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me.

GEORGE: So, you were saying how, um...about the script...

RUSSELL: Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.)

GEORGE: More jokes?

JERRY: Another ending?

GEORGE: A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.)

JERRY: Maybe we should go.

GEORGE: We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.)

RUSSELL (from bathroom): Oh God. Oh my god.

JERRY: I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.)

MOLLY: Hello.

JERRY: Hi.

GEORGE: Hi.

MOLLY: I'm Molly.

JERRY: Oh, I'm Jerry.

GEORGE: George.

JERRY: We're here discussing our script with your father.

GEORGE: He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.)

MOLLY: Daddy? Are you okay?

RUSSELL (from bathroom): Yeah, yeah sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits on the back of the chair.)

GEORGE: So, you live with your mother, huh?

MOLLY: Uh, yeah.

GEORGE (to Jerry): Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid.

JERRY: Uh huh.

GEORGE: Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.)

MOLLY: Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter?

RUSSELL: It's just a stomach thing.

MOLLY: Yuck.

RUSSELL (to Jerry and George): We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. (Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.)

GEORGE: You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.)

RUSSELL (angrily): Get a good look, Costanza?

[Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: What were you doing?

GEORGE: Well, it's not my fault. You poked me!

JERRY: You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.

GEORGE: It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.

JERRY: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

GEORGE: All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage.

JERRY: That's why I poked.

GEORGE: That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.)

GAIL: Hey! What is with your friend Elaine?

JERRY: What?

GAIL: She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes.

JERRY: She did?

KRAMER: Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.

GAIL: So, I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer and Gail exit.)

GEORGE: Pasta primavera?

JERRY: Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.)

KRAMER (to Jerry): She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out.

JERRY: She is?

KRAMER: She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.)

JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi Stu.

GEORGE (lazily swinging the garbage bag around): From NBC?

JERRY: (to George) Yeah. (oh the phone) What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.)

[Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY (to Elaine): If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened.

ELAINE: Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway!

GEORGE: He poked me!

JERRY: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...

ELAINE: But she was fifteen.

JERRY: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.

GEORGE: Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office...

JERRY: You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him.

GEORGE: Hey, now you're onto something.

JERRY: The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.

GEORGE: Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine.

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: But...somebody like Gail, though.

JERRY: Ya.

ELAINE: What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Yah-hey.

JERRY: Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me.

KRAMER: Alright, I'll call her right now.

JERRY: Ok. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.)

ELAINE (to George): What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?

JERRY: Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.)

KRAMER: She said she'll do it.

GEORGE: Beautiful.

JERRY: Beautiful.

KRAMER (points at Elaine's feet): But she wants the shoes.

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: She says she wants those shoes.

ELAINE: She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em!

JERRY: No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!

ELAINE: No, these were the last pair of these that they had!

JERRY: I'll get you another one just like it!

ELAINE: No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.)

GEORGE (to Elaine, in a somber tone): Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her...

ELAINE: Oh yeah, because she caught you jer -

GEORGE: Never mind!

ELAINE: Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size?

KRAMER: Alright, what size are you?

ELAINE: Seven-and-a-half.

KRAMER: Eh! Bingo.

[Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple being shown to his table.]

GAIL (hands a plate to another chef): Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.)

(Russell eating at the restaurant. Jerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they walk over to Russell's table.)

JERRY: Hey! Whattaya know!

GEORGE: Look who's here!

JERRY: Fancy meeting you here!

RUSSELL: Oh. Hello.

GEORGE (notices Russell's lunch): Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.

JERRY: You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you.

GEORGE: Didn't hear anything...

JERRY: Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened.

RUSSELL: Well, it just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. (Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.) So, what were you saying?

GEORGE: Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?

JERRY: No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.)

ELAINE (to Russell): Uh, excuse me, are you using that ketchup?

RUSSELL (not noticing Elaine's cleavage): Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.)

GEORGE: Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.)

RUSSELL: Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. (Elaine comes back over.)

ELAINE: Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble?

RUSSELL (still not noticing Elaine's cleavage): No.

ELAINE (leaning forward): Do you have a...ketchup secret?

RUSSELL: No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.)

ELAINE (flirtatiously): Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.)

RUSSELL (to Jerry and George, reconsidering about the pilot): Field of vision, huh?

[Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's. Gail comes over to the table.]

GAIL: How's everything?

ELAINE: Mmmm.

JERRY: Really good.

GEORGE: This pasta primavera is fabulous.

JERRY: Very tasty.

GAIL: How'd everything go with that NBC guy?

GEORGE: Great.

JERRY: The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...?

ELAINE: You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work.

JERRY: Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us.

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley.

GEORGE: Well, it's a funny idea.

JERRY: It's funny!

GEORGE: C'mon, funny is funny.

JERRY: Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right?

ELAINE: Alright, well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.

JERRY: If you can.

GEORGE: Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way?

ELAINE: Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.)

JERRY: I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)

[Closing Monologue]

Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsessed with shoes. It's the same for both sexes. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things, every time these objects are presented to us we have to look, we cannot not look. To men cleavage i-i-is like the nearest thing to a nearby UFO landing, that's what it is. Women if women by a pair of shoes that they really love, this is like boarding the alien ship. I think that it's entirely possible that aliens have landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we are so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes.

The End

S4E17 - The Outing

Broadcast date: February 11, 1993

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Paula Marshall .................... Sharon

Kari Coleman ..................... Allison

Anthony Mangano ............ Sailor

Ben Reed ........................... Male Nurse

Lawrence A. Mandley ....... Manager

Charley Garrett ................. Man #1

Deck McKenzie .................. Scott

David Gibbs ....................... Man #2

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

[The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night. She obviously has had a wonderful evening]

ALLISON: I don't want to live! I don't want to live!

GEORGE: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!

ALLISON: No... You're something.

GEORGE: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!

ALLISON: You're good. You're good!

GEORGE: I'm bad. I'm bad!

ALLISON: You're killing me!

[We cut to Monk's where George, Jerry & Elaine are dining (it being a diner, and all). Jerry is over making a phone call while George & Elaine talk at the table.]

GEORGE: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.

ELAINE: Over you?

GEORGE: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

(Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord at NYU. Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday.)

GEORGE: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".

ELAINE: I got him a two-line phone.

(Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)

JERRY: Unbelievable! She's not there.

GEORGE: What paper does she write for?

JERRY: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.

ELAINE: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...

JERRY: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...

ELAINE: [Proudly] Really?

(The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She starts to become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Elaine pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions)

ELAINE: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?

JERRY: Living or all time?

ELAINE: All time.

JERRY: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

ELAINE: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?

GEORGE: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.

ELAINE: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.

(Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping on their conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some spice to the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy at the next table is sure to hear... )

ELAINE: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

(Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other hand addresses Jerry directly)

GEORGE: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.

JERRY: [indignantly] What's the matter with you?

GEORGE: [quietly] C'mon, go along...

JERRY: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."

JERRY: Y'know I hear that all the time.

ELAINE: Hear what?

JERRY: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

ELAINE: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.

JERRY: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.

ELAINE: And you get along well with women.

GEORGE: I guess that leaves me in the clear...

(Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually gone to the bathroom together? Hmmmm...)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's unpacking groceries (no cereal to be seen) and George comes in.)

GEORGE: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.

JERRY: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?

GEORGE: Yeah, how did you know that?

JERRY: You told me that already like two months ago.

GEORGE: Allison bought it for me.

JERRY: How you gonna get out of that one?

GEORGE: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

(Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides to stay. There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two decide if they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers Jerry and George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't placed her face, however. Sharon is introduced to George and)

JERRY: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?

SHARON: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.

GEORGE: Jerry did you wash this pear?

JERRY: Yeah, I washed it.

GEORGE: It looks like it hasn't been washed.

JERRY: So wash it.

GEORGE: You hear the way he talks to me?

SHARON: You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me...

(Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's not quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again George has a question-- this time for Sharon)

GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?

SHARON: It's nice.

GEORGE: Jerry said he didn't like it.

JERRY: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...

GEORGE: No, you said you didn't like it...

JERRY: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?

SHARON: So how did you two meet?

JERRY: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.

GEORGE: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

(George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon, who obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:)

SHARON: Do you guys live together?

JERRY: [quizzically] Live together?

GEORGE: No, I got my own place.

(Jerry is about this close (picture my thumb and forefinger really close together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question fatale" is asked:)

SHARON: And do your parents know?

JERRY: Know what?

GEORGE: My parents? They don't know what's goin' on...

JERRY: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I knew you looked familiar!

(All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to explain things to a very confused reporter.)

JERRY: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

GEORGE: No, of course not...

JERRY: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...

GEORGE: Absolutely...

JERRY: I mean I have many gay friends...

GEORGE: My father is gay...

SHARON: Look, I know what I heard.

JERRY: It was a joke...

GEORGE: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!

(Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:)

KRAMER: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: No steam!

KRAMER: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!

[We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking in the apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her jacket off. Kramer enters, graceful as always.]

KRAMER: Happy birthday paruba!

JERRY: Today's not my birthday.

KRAMER: Well, I beg to differ...

(Kramer convinces Jerry it's his birthday and, after Elaine refuses to take her jacket off again, Kramer presents the big guy with his present.)

JERRY: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!

(Elaine can be seen mouthing the word "sh*t" and is, for some reason, not impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave.)

JERRY: Hey, where you going?

ELAINE: I gotta go return something...

(Kramer goes to his apartment and Jerry calls him to try out the phone. And, as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.)

SHARON: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.

JERRY: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.

GEORGE: So, what did she say?

JERRY: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we fooled her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...

GEORGE: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...

JERRY: What are you talkin' about?

GEORGE: I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".

JERRY: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?

GEORGE: Yes, I heard you!

JERRY: Well, maybe she was disconnected.

GEORGE: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!

JERRY: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<...

KRAMER: Yello?

JERRY: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<

GEORGE: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!

JERRY: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

GEORGE: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!

JERRY: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?

GEORGE: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...

JERRY: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!

[We shift to Sharon's apartment where Elaine is paying a visit]

SHARON: Why don't you take a seat?

ELAINE: Thank-you.

SHARON: Why don't you take your coat off?

[Monk's; Jerry George and Elaine drinking coffee]

ELAINE: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

JERRY: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.

GEORGE: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!

JERRY: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

GEORGE: Not at all.

(Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit of some satisfaction. George springs his birthday gift on Jerry.)

GEORGE: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!

JERRY: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?

GEORGE: It's "Guys And Dolls", not "Guys And Guys".

JERRY: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".

(Nope. Unfortunately for Jerry, things are about to get worse. Elaine notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from the other side of the cafe. Jerry goes to investigate.)

JERRY: What do you got there?

MAN #1: The New York Post, they've got an article about you.

JERRY: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time companion seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!

GEORGE: Now everyone's going to think we're gay!

JERRY: Not that there's anything wrong with that...

GEORGE: No, not at all...

[Back in the apartment, E+G+J read from The Post]

JERRY: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple--" I told you that pear was washed!

(Kramer Enters)

KRAMER: I thought we were friends...

JERRY: Here we go...

KRAMER: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?

JERRY: It's not true!

KRAMER: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...

JERRY: So are you...

KRAMER: Yeah--

(It's at this point that Kramer, well, "Pulls a Kramer". He does that mini-epileptic, losing his balance, "waaaaugh" thing and he retreats to his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Jerry's apartment, the phone rings, George answers.)

GEORGE: Hello?

MRS. S: George?

GEORGE: Mrs. Seinfeld?!?

MRS. S: Oh, my God...

JERRY: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?

MRS. S: Jerry?

JERRY: Ma!

GEORGE: Oh, my God! My MOTHER!!!

[Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld's place, the conversation continues.]

MRS. S: Jerry?

JERRY: Ma, it's not true!

MR. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!

MRS. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts.

MR. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.

MRS. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!

MR. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!

JERRY: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!

MRS. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.

[Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, George pays his mother a visit. She seems to be in the same bed from episode ... (yes, that includes the thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette]

MRS. C: I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!

GEORGE: It's not true!

MRS. C: Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.

GEORGE: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

MRS. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

GEORGE: Of course not...

(In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces)

NURSE: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.

(Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple of women behind the screen (as in the "M" episode), there are two guys. George is transfixed. Mrs. C. has to scream to get his attention off of the "show" going on beside him.)

[at Monk's, E+G+J converge yet again. Jerry informs G+E that Sharon has left a message on his machine. George has other things on his mind.]

GEORGE: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?

(Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.)

SAILOR: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

(And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Jerry can respond (Colonel Flagg, anyone?) He does have an answer to George's previous question, though.)

JERRY: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...

(George throws a "hissy fit" and it told to pipe down by a rather bulky manager from the diner and resolves to take Elaine instead. Elaine then queries George if Allison has seen the article yet.)

GEORGE: No. Just imagine her reaction.

ELAINE: Yeah...

GEORGE: Oh, my God...

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- I'm out baby!! I'm out!!!!!

[So, we flash forward to George dropping off Allison. She is mulling over the article that George has given her.]

ALLISON: Yeah? So?

GEORGE: Yeah so??

ALLISON: Well this is nice. They mention your name.

GEORGE: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?

ALLISON: No, what?

GEORGE: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.

ALLISON: You're gay?

GEORGE: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

ALLISON: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.

GEORGE: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.

ALLISON: I will.

GEORGE: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person.

ALLISON: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from Jerry...

[Back at Jerry's apartment, Sharon and Jerry are, well, "making out on the couch". Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.]

SHARON: Oh, can you ever forgive me?

JERRY: I dunno... [they kiss again] Alright, I forgive you...

SHARON: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.

JERRY: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.

(George Enters)

GEORGE: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!

JERRY: What!?

GEORGE: You're with a woman!

JERRY: I know! What are you doin' here?!?

GEORGE: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!

JERRY: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!

SHARON: What's going on?

ALLISON: Yeah, what's going on?

GEORGE: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.

JERRY: Tell her what?

GEORGE: Y'know. About us.

(George has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his hand in J's hair. Jerry flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about and he's well, gone loopy. George embraces Jerry to keep it going, but Jerry's not buying any of it. Sharon leaves, much to Jerry's chagrin. Allison asks (again) for an explanation.)

GEORGE: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.

ALLISON: Really?

(Allison takes George's arm (not quite the reaction he wanted, I'm sure). Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses G+J (and Allison) before he goes into his apartment.)

KRAMER: We'll see you later...

(George & Jerry look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for words over Kramer's new, interest. Kramer notices this and)

KRAMER: He's the phone man!

(George + Jerry see the light and are visibly relieved)

KRAMER: Not that there's anything wrong with that...

[Closing Monologue]

I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."

The End

S4E18 - The Old Man

Broadcast date: February 18, 1993

Written by Bruce Kirschbaum

Story by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bill Erwin ............................. Sid

Tobin Bell ............................ Ron

Robert Donley .................... Ben

Lanei Chapman ................... Housekeeper

Victoria Dillard .................... Agency Rep

Jerry Hauck ........................ Tim

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

[Open at Monk's, with Jerry & George just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things]

GEORGE: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?

JERRY: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over...

GEORGE: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.

JERRY: Yeah, how about a mute?

GEORGE: A mute would be good.

JERRY: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?

GEORGE: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.

(George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)

GEORGE: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...

JERRY: A deep, yawning chasm...

GEORGE: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?

JERRY: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

(Elaine enters and greets George & Jerry cheerfully.)

ELAINE: Hey boys!

JERRY: Hey! How you doin'?

ELAINE: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.

GEORGE: Start what?

ELAINE: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.

GEORGE: Really.

ELAINE: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel so good! I really feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.

GEORGE: Volunteer work, huh?

JERRY: What're you gonna do down there?

ELAINE: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.

JERRY: That's what I do with him [points at George]

(George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)

GEORGE: When did you get this idea?

ELAINE: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going on and on and on about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.

JERRY: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?

GEORGE: And... and anybody can do this?

ELAINE: Yup.

GEORGE: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I not be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!

ELAINE: [To Jerry] What about you?

JERRY: Nah, it's not for me.

ELAINE: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.

GEORGE: What kind of a person are you?

JERRY: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.

[We skip forward to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving George & Jerry their information sheets on their volunteer cases.]

AGENCY REP: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.

GEORGE: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.

AGENCY REP: Good luck.

JERRY: Thank you.

(The rep leaves and George & Jerry compare information sheets)

GEORGE: Hey, what's your guy's name again?

JERRY: Fields. Sidney Fields. 87 years old. 87. How about your guy?

GEORGE: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?

JERRY: We? No.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: So what's up, Diggity Dog?

JERRY: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.

KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.

JERRY: What're you talkin' about?

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you!

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh yeah.

JERRY: Where do you get this?

KRAMER: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

(Before Kramer can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.)

NEWMAN: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?

KRAMER: I'm in here. C'mon...

JERRY: Hello, Newman...

NEWMAN: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?

KRAMER: Well--

JERRY: What records?

KRAMER: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.

(Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand Shake (like the Moose lodge).)

NEWMAN: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!

KRAMER: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--

KRAMER: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.

(Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.)

GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

NEWMAN: I'm a United States postal worker.

GEORGE: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

NEWMAN: Sometimes...

JERRY: Why is that?

NEWMAN: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!!!

(Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has allowed Kramer & Newman to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through Kramer & Newman's stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator)

RON: I'll give you five bucks.

KRAMER: Five bucks???

NEWMAN: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?

RON: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.

NEWMAN: Those records are worth more than five dollars!

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...

NEWMAN: You're gyppin' us!

RON: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.

NEWMAN: They follow him like a cult.

KRAMER: He can't even walk down the street in South America...

RON: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...

NEWMAN: I don't like it.

RON: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.

NEWMAN: Alright, well be back... jack!

[At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with someone of his mellowing years]

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.

HOUSEKEEPER: Agency?

JERRY: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?

HOUSEKEEPER: Sid Fields.

(The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He welcomes Jerry into his home.)

SID: What the Hell is it?

JERRY: Mr. Fields?

SID: What!?!

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.

SID: Agency? What agency? The CIA?

JERRY: No, no, the--

SID: Who let you in here?

JERRY: The woman, she--

SID: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...

JERRY: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.

SID: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to kill me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]

JERRY: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--

SID: I can't read that you fool...

(Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.)

JERRY: What's all this stuff?

SID: Trash. Garbage.

JERRY: You're throwin' this out??

SID: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.

(You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)

JERRY: You don't want any of this?

SID: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, Ein-stein.

JERRY: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.

SID: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.

(They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each other)

JERRY: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...

SID: With you? I'd rather be dead.

JERRY: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.

SID: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!

[At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light conversation.]

BEN: No, I feel great for 85.

GEORGE: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.

BEN: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.

GEORGE: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...

BEN: I'm grateful for every moment I have.

GEORGE: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...

BEN: I guess I just don't care.

GEORGE: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!

(Ben gets up to leave)

GEORGE: Wait a second, where are you going?

BEN: Life's too short to waste on you.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, please--

BEN: Get out of my way...

(As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just have to feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't be able to talk to Ben anymore)

GEORGE: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...

[The apartment of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.]

ELAINE: Mrs. Oliver?

MRS. O: Yes my dear.

(Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um, unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly)

ELAINE: Ooh!

MRS. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

MRS. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?

ELAINE: Did you say goiter? What goiter?

MRS. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.

ELAINE: Oh, that goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...

MRS. O: Does it bother you?

ELAINE: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.

[At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.]

JERRY: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...

ELAINE: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.

JERRY: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.

ELAINE: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.

JERRY: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.

ELAINE: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?

GEORGE: I don't think it's gonna work out...

JERRY: Whattya mean?

GEORGE: He fired me.

JERRY: He fired you?!?

ELAINE: How do you get fired from a volunteer job?

GEORGE: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!

JERRY: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.

ELAINE: I wish I could quit...

JERRY: So quit!

GEORGE: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.

(Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand)

KRAMER: Well, here's your albums [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]

JERRY: What happened?

NEWMAN: Five dollars. He offered us five dollars.

KRAMER: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You embarrassed me at that store.

NEWMAN: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.

JERRY: Oh yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes...

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!

(Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom)

JERRY: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??

JERRY: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.

KRAMER: Okay...

NEWMAN: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!

KRAMER: Yeah...

JERRY: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.

KRAMER: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.

JERRY: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...

(George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch)

GEORGE: Senegal?

[At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better]

GEORGE: So you don't speak any English at all?

HOUSEKEEPER: English? No.

SID: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?

JERRY: Well you said they could come and take the records.

SID: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.

GEORGE: You don't speak any English?

HOUSEKEEPER: No English.

GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!

JERRY: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--

SID: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.

KRAMER: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...

SID: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...

KRAMER: Oooow! He's biting me!

(Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum)

SID: My teeth! My teeth!

JERRY: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!

GEORGE: I thought I saw something fly over here...

JERRY: Well turn the light on...

(George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink)

JERRY: That's the garbage disposal!

SID: My teeth! You idiots!!!

(The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.)

[Cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story]

MRS. O: And we would take long automobile trips--

ELAINE: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...

MRS. O: Staring out the window--

ELAINE: Uh huh...

MRS. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--

ELAINE: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...

MRS. O: Big, roaming cows--

ELAINE: Cows, well that's fascinating...

MRS. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.

ELAINE: What?

MRS. O: Mohandas.

ELAINE: Ghandhi?

MRS. O: Oh, the passion. The forbidden pleasure--

ELAINE: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]

ELAINE: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?

[Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".]

RON: Twenty bucks.

NEWMAN: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?

RON: Well, take it or leave it.

NEWMAN: Take it or leave it!? We got Al Jolson here, Al Jolson!!

RON: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...

NEWMAN: You are nothing but a piece of crap.

RON: Pardon me?

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...

NEWMAN: A piece of crap.

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...

NEWMAN: I find you extremely ugly.

RON: Do you?

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...

NEWMAN: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.

RON: Oh, is that right?

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I loathe you...

NEWMAN: I loathe you.

RON: That's it. Get out of my store!

KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Make us.

NEWMAN: Make us!

RON: Oh, I'll make you!

(As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured)

AGENCY REP: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.

JERRY: Yes, but--

(buzzer)

JERRY: [Into intercom] Yes?

TIM: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.

JERRY: Alright, c'mon up.

JERRY: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.

AGENCY REP: Why were you taking him to the dentist?

JERRY: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--

AGENCY REP: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?

JERRY: Well, after he bit my friend--

AGENCY REP: Bit your friend?!

% Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook.

TIM: What the Hell is going on here? How do you lose a human being?!

JERRY: I, I'm sorry.

TIM: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?

JERRY: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--

TIM: Take his records? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?

[Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: There you are. Did you find him?

KRAMER: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to screw us so we got in a fight.

NEWMAN: It was a real melee.

KRAMER: Yeah, a real brouhaha...

(They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get really out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As they all get there, they come upon a rather)

(Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.)

The End

S4E19 - The Implant

Broadcast date: February 25, 1993

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Teri Hatcher ........................ Sidra

Megan Mullally .................... Betsy

Carol Rosenthal ................... Ticket Clerk #1

Donald Bishop ..................... Dr. Allenwood

Tony Amendola ................... Rushdie

Kieran Mulroney ................. Timmy

Peggy Stewart .................... Aunt May

Bruce E. Morrow ................ Father Jessup

Susan Beaubian ................... Ticket Clerk #2

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'

[Opening scene]

(Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand.)

SIDRA: Oh, hi Jerry.

JERRY: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.

SIDRA (amused): Really.

JERRY: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.

SIDRA (stepping off): Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.

JERRY: Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right?

SIDRA: Thursday night.

JERRY: Alright.

(Elaine walks over to Jerry.)

ELAINE: Good workout?

JERRY (mimics smoking an "after sex cigarette"): Tremendous workout.

ELAINE: That's a pretty girl.

JERRY: Tremendous girl.

ELAINE: She's the one you went out with last night?

JERRY: Yeah. I really like her.

ELAINE: You know, uh...they're fake.

JERRY: What? Don't say that!

ELAINE: Nah! They're fake!

JERRY: How do you know?

ELAINE: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?

JERRY: I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)

ELAINE: Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?

JERRY: Yes, they do!

ELAINE: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.

JERRY: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked.

ELAINE: I don't want to see her naked.

JERRY: Well, I do.

ELAINE: Well, that's your problem.

JERRY: Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up.

ELAINE: Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna?

JERRY: Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know!

ELAINE: But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!

JERRY: Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.

ELAINE: What's his problem?

JERRY: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.

ELAINE: Wrong side?

JERRY: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.

ELAINE: He can't go left.

JERRY: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?

ELAINE: Nah, we just play defense.

[New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats him to it.]

GEORGE: Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats?

BETSY: Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people.

GEORGE: I'll shout.

BETSY: Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here.

GEORGE: C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad?

BETSY: What? (The phone rings.)

GEORGE (attempting to make a move): No, no, the machine'll get it...

BETSY: No, no, it's not on...

GEORGE: They'll call back.

BETSY: But George, what if it's an emergency?

GEORGE: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?

BETSY: George, please. (Gets up and answers the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh my god!

GEORGE: Alright, maybe four.

[New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra and some other women. We hear her thoughts.]

ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. (Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.

[Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still on the phone.]

BETSY: So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.)

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: You're sure?

ELAINE: Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money.

JERRY: Well then, that's it. That's the end of that.

ELAINE: What? Just 'cause of that?

JERRY: Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!

ELAINE: Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?

JERRY: You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.

ELAINE: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

JERRY: Well, I take it very seriously.

ELAINE: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like.

KRAMER: Well, I know what they feel like.

JERRY: You? How do you know?

KRAMER: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.

ELAINE (laughs): I thought you hated Los Angeles.

KRAMER: I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.

JERRY: Real busy now down at the office?

KRAMER: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.

ELAINE (laughing): Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.

[New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health club.]

GEORGE: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.

JERRY: You put her on a pedestal.

KRAMER: I put them on a dental chair.

JERRY: He puts 'em on a dental chair.

GEORGE: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend.

KRAMER: Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.

GEORGE: That's funny. You're a funny guy.

JERRY: Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral?

GEORGE: Why, you think I should?

JERRY: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy!

GEORGE: I'm the consolation guy...?

KRAMER: Consolation Guy is big.

JERRY: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.

KRAMER: It's like ten dates in one shot.

JERRY: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!

GEORGE: It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight.

KRAMER: Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare?

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family? They give you 50% off the fare.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price!

(George considers.)

[New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts.]

ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads.

(Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.)

ELAINE's brain: Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."

SIDRA (to her friend): So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again.

ELAINE: Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

SIDRA: Oh, that's o.k.

ELAINE: Did he give you a reason?

SIDRA: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.

ELAINE: Really?

SIDRA: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.

ELAINE: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?

SIDRA: Yes! How did you know?

ELAINE: Oh, I know the type.

SIDRA: So you can relate?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

SIDRA (sits across from Elaine and takes her towel off): You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

ELAINE: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.")

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.

JERRY: You fell on her?

ELAINE: I touched 'em.

JERRY: You what?

ELAINE: I...touched...'em.

JERRY: You touched 'em?!

ELAINE: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!

JERRY: Wow.

ELAINE: Anyway...they're real.

JERRY: Excuse me?!

ELAINE: I think they might be real.

JERRY: Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience.

ELAINE: I've touched mine!

JERRY: So have I.

ELAINE: Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)

JERRY: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.

ELAINE: Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular.

JERRY: Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.)

[New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken.]

GEORGE (to clerk): You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.

CLERK (to Kramer): Oh, I'm very sorry.

KRAMER: I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew...

CLERK: You poor thing!

KRAMER (breaking into tears): I...I...

GEORGE: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.

CLERK: You're a good friend.

GEORGE: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?

CLERK: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.

GEORGE: The death certificate?

CLERK: Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage.

GEORGE: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?

CLERK: I know! But it happens.

GEORGE: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?

CLERK: That would be $387 round-trip.

KRAMER (in a perfectly normal tone of voice): Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh?

CLERK: Yes.

[Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!

ELAINE: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.

JERRY: But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?

ELAINE: I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her!

JERRY: Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: Hey. George off to Detroit?

KRAMER: Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico.

ELAINE: Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie.

KRAMER: Pffft - wrong.

[New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman Rushdie" talking to Sidra.]

JERRY: There's Sidra.

KRAMER: There's Salman.

JERRY: Where?

KRAMER: Talkin' to that woman.

JERRY: Talkin' to Sidra?

KRAMER: If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.

JERRY: I don't think that's Salman.

KRAMER: Well, I don't think they're real.

JERRY: If that's Rushdie, they're real.

KRAMER: If they're real, that's Rushdie.

JERRY: Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra.

KRAMER: I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.

[New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together.]

KRAMER: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert.

"SALMAN": You've lived in the desert?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?

"SALMAN": Yes, I've been there.

KRAMER: My name's Kramer.

"SALMAN" (shakes Kramer's hand): Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.

KRAMER: So, uh...what kind of work do you do?

"SALMAN": I'm a writer.

[New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.]

BETSY (to Aunt May): Have you met my boyfriend George?

AUNT MAY: No! (shakes George's hand.)

BETSY: George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, George.

AUNT MAY: Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way.

GEORGE: Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.

AUNT MAY: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?

BETSY: I'm not very hungry.

AUNT MAY: They have some very nice snacks.

FATHER JESSUP: I'm about to get myself a snack.

(Betsy starts to go for a snack.)

GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack.

(George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.)

FATHER JESSUP: This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier.

GEORGE (loading up his plate with sandwiches): Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.)

FATHER JESSUP: You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative.

GEORGE: Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from?

[New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after returning from the health club.]

KRAMER: C'mon Jerry!

JERRY: Oh, how can you be so sure?

KRAMER: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another!

JERRY: Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon!

KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!

JERRY: Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...

KRAMER: What, did you ask her?

JERRY: I'm gonna find out tonight.

KRAMER (nods): Oh, yes indeed...

[Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit.]

DR. ALLENWOOD: Why do you need a death certificate?

GEORGE: Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto.

DR. ALLENWOOD: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.

GEORGE: Oh, that would be wonderful.

DR. ALLENWOOD: It was very nice meeting you, George.

GEORGE: Likewise.

(George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.)

TIMMY: What are you doing?

GEORGE: What?

TIMMY: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?

GEORGE: Excuse me?

TIMMY: You double-dipped the chip!

GEORGE: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?

TIMMY: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again.

GEORGE: So...?

TIMMY: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!

GEORGE: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.)

TIMMY: Oh, you don't, huh?

GEORGE: No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.)

TIMMY: Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They struggle in front of the snack table.)

[New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.]

SIDRA: I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.)

JERRY: Hey, would you mind switching seats?

SIDRA: Why?

JERRY: Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving.

SIDRA: O.K....(they switch places.)

JERRY: How ya doin'?

SIDRA: Good. How you doin'?

JERRY: Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her.

SIDRA: I hear that's how she died.

JERRY: Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger.

SIDRA: Well, a lot of women are having them done.

JERRY: Really?

SIDRA: Yeah.

JERRY: How do you like that.

SIDRA: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.

JERRY: Aw, you know people.

SIDRA: It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business.

JERRY: Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that.

SIDRA: What do you tell them?

JERRY: Whatever you want me to tell them.

SIDRA: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that?

JERRY: No.

SIDRA: What if it's an emergency?

JERRY: Oh, there's no emergency...

KRAMER (in hallway): Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!

JERRY: Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!

KRAMER: Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit.

JERRY: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?

KRAMER: Well, I like yours.

JERRY: I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there.

KRAMER: C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?

JERRY: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.

KRAMER: Alright, c'mon!

JERRY: Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hi, Jer.

JERRY: Oh, hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh...hi, Sidra -

SIDRA: Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into the living room.)

JERRY (to Elaine): What are you doing here?

ELAINE: I'm looking for Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?

JERRY: Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we?

SIDRA: I was just leaving.

JERRY: Right, you were leaving.

SIDRA: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.

JERRY: That was an accident!

SIDRA: I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. (Sidra leaves.)

[Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting.]

BETSY: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again!

DR. ALLENWOOD: Go back to New York! Get out!

[New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking to Clerk no. 2.]

CLERK 2: Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way.

GEORGE: Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)

CLERK 2: What's this?

GEORGE: That's a picture of me next to the coffin.

(We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.)

CLERK 2: Nice try.

GEORGE: Not even close, huh?

The End

S4E20 - The Junior Mint

Broadcast date: March 18, 1993

Written by  Andy Robin

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................ Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Susan Walters ...................... Mystery Woman / Mulva (Delores)

Sherman Howard ................ Roy

Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Doctor

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

JERRY: You can't just have an adultery-- you commit adultery. And you can't even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin'  Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.]

GEORGE: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?

JERRY: (flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.

GEORGE: (laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?

JERRY: Tonight.

GEORGE: What's her name?

JERRY: I... don't... know...

GEORGE: How could you not know her name?

JERRY: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...

(Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black bananas on his counter)

JERRY: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day...

(Tosses the bananas back in the bowl and goes back to unpacking the grocery bag.)

GEORGE: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.

JERRY: Yeah, I did that too.

GEORGE: Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?

JERRY: Sure.

GEORGE: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!

JERRY: Wow!

GEORGE: Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...

JERRY: Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.

GEORGE: Really? Who?

JERRY: Nobody you know...

GEORGE: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...

JERRY: Why don't you put it in the bank?

GEORGE: The bank? This is found money. I want to parlay it. I wanna make a big score!

JERRY: Oh, you mean you wanna lose it...

(Kramer Enters. Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked up for him at the grocery store.)

KRAMER: Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.

JERRY: Yes I did.

KRAMER: Yes.

GEORGE: What's with the gloves?

KRAMER: Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...

GEORGE: Huh. What, the whole apartment?

KRAMER: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.

JERRY: Wood is good.

KRAMER: Definitely.

JERRY: So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.

JERRY: O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.

KRAMER: Yep.

[Kramer exits]

JERRY: What, you rented "Home Alone"?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: I thought you saw that already...

GEORGE: No, I saw "Home Alone II".

JERRY: Oh, right... But you hated it!

GEORGE: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.

JERRY: All right.. Go ahead.

[Intercom buzzes - Jerry walks over to answer it.  George puts the tape in the VCR.]

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?

JERRY: No. Come on up.

[Kramer enters wearing the gloves Jerry got him.]

KRAMER: I can't work with these!

JERRY: What's wrong?

KRAMER: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no fine touch...

JERRY: You said "gloves"...

KRAMER: No, no, these are too thick.  (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)

KRAMER: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?

GEORGE: Yeah. The original.

(Elaine Enters)

ELAINE: Hey Boys-O!

EVERYONE: (in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.

KRAMER: Hey, how's it goin'?

ELAINE: Hello.

JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.

(Kramer get up to leave, but)

ELAINE: Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: eh, Remember Roy, the artist?

JERRY: Oh, the "triangle" guy.

ELAINE: Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.

JERRY: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?

ELAINE: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...

JERRY: Artsy?

ELAINE: Fat.

JERRY: Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)

ELAINE: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.

JERRY: What's wrong with him?

ELAINE: Unh, something with his spleen.  Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.

KRAMER: Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)

JERRY: All right we'll wait for you.

KRAMER: Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.

[Kramer exits]

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.

JERRY: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.

ELAINE: Well...

JERRY: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.

ELAINE: Aha ha ha (laugh)

[Kramer enters, standing in the open doorway holding a sports bag]

KRAMER: All right, lets go.

JERRY: All right (picks up his sports bag)

KRAMER: Yep yep yep.

(Elaine notices George is staying behind)

ELAINE: What's with him?

JERRY: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...

[EXTERIOR shot of the hospital with cars driving by -- then INTERIOR of Roy's hospital room.  Roy is lying in bed, resting. At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry enter -- finding the triangle? man's room]

ELAINE: Roy!

ROY: Elaine! What a surprise.  (sitting up)

ELAINE: (gasp) Oh, my God! I hardly recognize you! You look so...

ROY: Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...

ELAINE: A lot of weight. (enthusiastically)

ROY: I know.

ELAINE: Aha hu, You look terrific.

ROY: Thank you. So do you.

ELAINE: Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)

(Elaine introduces Jerry the boyfriend? to Roy)

ELAINE: Ah, This is... uh... you really lost weight.

ROY: Thank you.

(Since Elaine is preoccupied, thinking about Roy, Jerry takes it upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.)

JERRY: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)

[While Roy, Elaine and Jerry are talking -- Kramer is out in the hallway looking for some thinner gloves on a hospital cart.]

HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.

(Kramer opens a door)

WOMAN: AHAaaaaaaaaa!  (scream)

KRAMER: (a bit startled) Ahh.

(he takes a few steps down the hallway and sees another door to try).

HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.

KRAMER: Ah, the mother lode!  (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)

[George sits on the couch in the darkened apartment -- watching Home Alone, and eating a bag of popcorn -- 6 seconds of funny dramatic music from the movie play during the scene]

[Back in Roy's room, Elaine is sitting on the bed, close to Roy -- Jerry sits in a chair in the corner]

ELAINE: I can't believe it! You were huge! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...

ROY: Yesss, I remember.

ELAINE: Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.

ROY: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.

ELAINE: Me?

ROY: (quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.

ELAINE: Get out!

ROY: Really, it's the truth.

ELAINE: Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...

JERRY: That's terrible...

ELAINE: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.

(Jerry gets up and starts playing with a Yo-Yo)

ROY: You did.

JERRY: You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)

ELAINE: Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?

ROY: Next Thursday.

ELAINE: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a big meal because you are getting too thin...

[Jerry the boyfriend? seems to have a problem with this -- and the two exchange in a banter as they speak to each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.]

JERRY: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?

ELAINE: No that's the week after.

JERRY: No, I believe it's next week.

ELAINE: You're wrong.

JERRY: No I'm not...

ELAINE: Shut up...

(Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.)

KRAMER: Pay dirt!  (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)

ELAINE: Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.

ROY: Oh, How do you do?

KRAMER: Yeah... I do great, yeah.

[Roy's doctor enters the room.]

DOCTOR: Hi Roy.

ROY: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.

JERRY: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]

KRAMER: Heey.

JERRY: I just learned that.  (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)

DOCTOR:  A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)

DOCTOR: I just wanted to stop by -- see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.

KRAMER: Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?

DOCTOR: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?

KRAMER: I sure am.

DOCTOR: Well that report was about one very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.

KRAMER: But you will use... a retractor.

DOCTOR: We have to...

KRAMER: Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)

DOCTOR: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?

KRAMER: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!

JERRY: I dunno...

KRAMER: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...

JERRY: Yeah, that's true...

KRAMER: ...They'll saw through bone.  Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's inside bone...

[Jerry's apartment. George is finishing watching the movie, music playing -- he is crying]

GEORGE: Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.

[Jerry enters]

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hi...

JERRY: What are doing, you crying??

GEORGE: No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)

JERRY: You crying from "Home Alone"??

GEORGE: The old man got to me.

JERRY: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.

GEORGE: Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)

JERRY: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.

GEORGE: Oh. How's the guy?

JERRY: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)

GEORGE: Hnh. That's nerve...

JERRY: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)

GEORGE: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome."  He falls ill; she falls in love.

JERRY: You mean Florence Nightingale. **

( Footnote: see short bio at end of script )

GEORGE: What'd I say? Clara?

JERRY: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **

( Footnote: see short bio at end of script )

GEORGE: Clara Barton? What did she do?

JERRY: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)

GEORGE: Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.

( Footnote: see short bio at end of script )

JERRY: Yeah, I think you would.

GEORGE: So, you gonna buy his art?

JERRY: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.

GEORGE: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.

JERRY: I will.

GEORGE: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.

JERRY: No, it isn't. I can find out.

GEORGE: Yeah? How?

JERRY: There are ways.

[Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch]

JERRY: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...

WOMAN: "Seinsmelled"?

JERRY: Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?

WOMAN: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?

(They both laugh, she leans in and kisses his ear and they hug. Jerry looks confused.  She leans back --)

WOMAN: (con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.

(They embrace and a couple of light kisses and a hug)

WOMAN: Oh, oh Jerry...

JERRY: Oh... you...

[Exterior shot of Monks Restaurant then inside to Jerry and George sitting in the usual  booth.  Seems like it's the next day -- they're in the middle of a conversation when we join them.]

GEORGE: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Rest... Sest... Hest...

JERRY: "Hest"? That's not a name.

GEORGE: What, you should've just asked her.

JERRY: I know, I should've asked her.

GEORGE: What're you gonna do now?

JERRY: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.

GEORGE: Aretha!  (points finger at Jerry)

JERRY: No...

GEORGE: Bovary!  (points finger again at Jerry)

JERRY: Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)

GEORGE: Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...

JERRY: How am I gonna do that?

GEORGE: When she goes to the bathroom.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?

JERRY: You asked a date to go to the operation?

KRAMER: Yeah... So c'mon,  (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?

GEORGE: What kind of operation is it?

KRAMER: Spleenectomy.

GEORGE: Isn't that where they remove the--

KRAMER: No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?

GEORGE: Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)

JERRY: Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)

KRAMER: C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JERRY: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)

[Exterior of the hospital then cut to the operating room where Jerry and Kramer, dressed in green scrubs and head cover, are seated in the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table below. There's no glass in front of them, so they can look right over the edge.  Several students are also in the gallery behind them.  The sounds of beep, beep, beep from the heart monitor, and the breathing from the patients oxygen mask are a constant throughout the scene]

DOCTOR: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.

(Kramer gets a box of candy out and pours a few into his hand and starts to munch)

JERRY: What are you eating?

KRAMER: Junior Mints. Do you want one?

JERRY: No...

KRAMER: Now, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...

(The entire surgical team stops and looks up at him. Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see.)

KRAMER: ... Cou, ye, ge...

(The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and returns to the surgical procedure)

KRAMER: Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)

JERRY: Where'd you get those?

KRAMER: The machine. You want one?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Here, take one.

JERRY: I don't want one.

KRAMER: No, they're good! Take one..

JERRY: I don't want any!

KRAMER: Just take one.

JERRY: No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!

[As they struggle to force the Junior Mint on each other, Jerry pushes Kramers' hand away and -- in slow motion with the sound of a beating heart to emphasize the event -- The Junior Mint is launched into the air towards the operating table and, well, in a word: "Bingo" -- with a small "splat" sound -- falls into Roy, the patient.  The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the operation)

[Jerry and Kramer look around at the other students and at each other in amazement as to what just happened]

JERRY: (pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?

KRAMER: Ge--

(Camera fade to black with familiar Seinfeld music)

[Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's events to George.]

JERRY: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!

GEORGE: What do you mean "into the patient"?

JERRY: Into the patient, literally!

GEORGE: Into the hole?

JERRY: Yes, the hole!

GEORGE: Didn't they notice it?

JERRY: No!

GEORGE: How could they not notice it?!?

JERRY: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.

GEORGE: W-ca-What did they do?

JERRY: They sealed him up with the mint inside.

GEORGE: They left the Junior Mint in him?

JERRY: Yes!

GEORGE: I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.

JERRY: Yes they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

[Intercom buzzes - Jerry answers it.  George goes to the fridge]

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

[Kramer enters with a sheet of the wood? wallpaper]

KRAMER: Hey. This wallpaper is very good. My place looks like a ski lodge!

JERRY: Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!

KRAMER: Well, I didn't believe you.

JERRY: How could you not believe me?!?

KRAMER: Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's delicious!

JERRY: That's true.

KRAMER: It's very refreshing!

JERRY: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...

[Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...]

ELAINE: Prognosis... negative.

JERRY: Prognosis negative!?

ELAINE: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.

JERRY and KRAMER: Oh, my God...

ELAINE: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.

GEORGE: It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)

ELAINE: Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)

GEORGE: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...

JERRY: We gotta confess.

KRAMER: Really?

JERRY: Yes!

KRAMER: We could be tried for murder...

JERRY: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **

( Footnote: see short bio at end of script )

KRAMER: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?

JERRY: I'm telling and you can't stop me!

KRAMER: You're not!!!

(Elaine comes out of the bathroom -- just in time before Jerry and Kramer resort to fisticuffs).

GEORGE: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.

[Kramer, Jerry and Elaine look at George like they can't believe he would do that.  George raises a toast? with his glass of milk.  He has a large sandwich in his other hand.]

[Later, at Jerry's apartment, the Mystery Woman gives him a massage.]

JERRY: Oh yeah, that's the spot...

WOMAN: What're you so tense about?

JERRY: Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.

WOMAN: What?

JERRY: Mulva?

WOMAN: Mulva?

JERRY: Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.

WOMAN: huh.

JERRY: Yeah.

WOMAN: Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

JERRY: Oh, good idea...

(She walks into the bathroom and closes the door.  Jerry gets up quickly and opens her purse to look for an ID, but she comes back suddenly, catching him with the open purse.)

WOMAN: What are you doing?

JERRY: Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.

WOMAN: Oh, I have Junior Mints.

JERRY: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...

(She turns and walks back into the bathroom taking her purse with her.)

(Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMER: Any news?

JERRY: [whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.

KRAMER: Oh.

JERRY: Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.

KRAMER: 10-4.

JERRY: O.K. (closes the apartment door)

WOMAN: Oh, hello.

KRAMER: Hello, I'm Kramer.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you.

KRAMER: See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)

WOMAN: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)

JERRY: Oh, okay.

WOMAN: Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.

JERRY: Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.

WOMAN: Mm. Bye Jerry.

JERRY: Bye.

[They kiss.  She turns and opens the door to leave. In the hallway, George is just reaching for the door knob as she opens the door. He has three more videos with him to watch at Jerry's -- the movie on top looks to be "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer)

WOMAN: Oh, hi.

GEORGE: Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)

WOMAN: Oh, Nice to meet you, George.

[She leaves]

GEORGE: Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"?  (puts a video in the VCR)

JERRY: No, I haven't heard anything.

GEORGE: Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)

JERRY: Really...

GEORGE: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.

JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure...

JERRY: Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.

GEORGE: No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Ehh, You could get in trouble.

JERRY: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.

GEORGE: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?

JERRY: Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...

GEORGE: W-What? What?

JERRY: Oh, that's fantastic!

GEORGE: He didn't get better, did he?

JERRY: Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!

GEORGE: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.

[Exterior of the Hospital then into Roy's room.  Roy is recovering with a huge plate of spaghetti.  Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George are visiting]

ROY: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me.

GEORGE: Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great.  Hm hm mm.

KRAMER: Y'know, art's a great investment.

ELAINE: And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.

GEORGE: Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.

ROY: Hey, George...

GEORGE: Yeah.

(Roy puts his hand out -- George takes it, but Roy pulls him in and kisses him on the cheek.  George is a bit surprised but does not let on -- he claps his other hand to Roy's)

KRAMER: Awe, alright

JERRY: That's nice.

GEORGE: Thanks Roy.

[George leaves as the Doctor enters the room]

ROY: Heeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)

DOCTOR: Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.

JERRY: What do you mean?

DOCTOR: I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...

(Kramer reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a box of Junior mints -- he rattles it.)

KRAMER:  Mint?

DOCTOR: Those can be very refreshing.

(Kramer shakes a couple of mints from the box into the doctor's hand. The doctor turns and exits.)

(Roy is thinking about Elaine while continuing to eating the giant plate of spaghetti like an absolute pig.)

ROY: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)

ELAINE: Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)

JERRY: I don't think so...

ELAINE: We are... that means that we ah, we are...

JERRY: I believe we're not...

ELAINE: (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?

JERRY: Well, I'll think about it...

[Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry and the woman are talking...]

WOMAN: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.

JERRY: Really...

WOMAN: Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.

JERRY: Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?

WOMAN: Yeah.

JERRY: Do you have it with you?

WOMAN: Yeah, it's in my purse.

JERRY: Ah, Le'me see.  (hands Jerry the playbill)

WOMAN: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick  kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)

WOMAN: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...

WOMAN: I had it autographed for my uncle.

JERRY: Yeah, I-I know...

WOMAN: (licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?

JERRY: Yes I do.

WOMAN: What is it?

JERRY: It-it rhymes with a female body part.

WOMAN: What is it?

JERRY: Mulva...

(She turns and grabs her purse, playbill and coat and leaves the apartment. Jerry follows)

JERRY: Aub, ah, Gipple?

(He stands in the open doorway and tries again)

JERRY: Loleola?

(Nope, obviously not. He closes the door and and goes to get something out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman before she gets out of earshot.)

JERRY: Oh! Oh! Delores!

[Closing monologue.]

JERRY: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''.  And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.

The End

==================================================================

Footnotes:  Really short bios:

Clara Barton

December 25, 1821 - April 12, 1912

served from 1881-1904 as the first president of the American Red Cross organization (formed in 1881), she wrote theAmerican amendment to the Red Cross constitution, which provided for disaster relief during peace time as well as war.

http://www.incwell.com/Biographies/Barton.html

Florence Nightingale

May 12, 1820 - August 13, 1910

Florence Nightingale is most remembered as a pioneer of nursing and a reformer of hospital sanitation methods. For most of her ninety years, Nightingale pushed for reform of the British military health-care system and with that the profession of nursing started to gain the respect it deserved.

http://education.yahoo.com/search/be?lb=t&p=url%3An/nightingale__florence

http://www.agnesscott.edu/lriddle/women/nitegale.htm

Susan B. Anthony

February 15, 1820 - March 13, 1906

In addition to many things, during her time she was the leading proponent for the Woman Suffrage/Woman's rights movement.

http://www.mith2.umd.edu/WomensStudies/PictureGallery/anthony.html

http://womenshistory.about.com/library/bio/blanthony.htm

Leopold and Loeb

Among the criminal celebrities of Prohibition-era Chicago, not even Al Capone was more notorious than two well-educated and highly intelligent Jewish boys from wealthy South Side families. In a meticulously planned murder scheme disguised as a kidnapping, 19-year-old Nathan Leopold and 18-year-old Richard Loeb chose 14-year-old Bobby Franks at random as their victim, abandoning his crumpled body in a culvert before his parents had a chance to respond to the ransom demand.

Leopold and Loeb - links

http://www.leopoldandloeb.com/

http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/leoploeb/LEOPOLD.HTM

http://www.lawbuzz.com/famous_trials/leopold/leopold_loeb.htm

http://www.unomaha.edu/~wwwphrel/leopold.htm

==================================================================

S4E21 - The Smelly Car

Broadcast date: April 15, 1993

Written by  Larry David & Peter Mehlman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michael Des Barres .............. Restaurateur

Nick Bakay .......................... Carl

Kari Coleman ...................... Allison

Taylor Negron .................... Hairdresser

Courtney Gains .................. Clerk

Raf Mauro .......................... Car Washer

Viveka Davis ...................... Mona

Robert Noble ..................... Salesman

Patricia Place ...................... Wife

Walt Beaver ....................... Husband

rc: Heidi Swedberg ........... Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: ...And it is embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.

[We open in front of a restaurant ("Kady's") with Jerry and Elaine waiting for the valet to come and get the keys for Jerry's car. Jerry is amusing himself by trying to drive Elaine nuts by humming and waving his scarf in front of her face.]

JERRY: Is that bothering you?

ELAINE: No, not at all...

(Amazing resilience, that Elaine has. The valet comes and Jerry gives him the keys. Elaine has some advice.)

ELAINE: Oh, could you please hurry?

JERRY: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become.

ELAINE: What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything...

JERRY: Oh, Carl can't wait a few more minutes?

ELAINE: I don't want to keep him waiting...

JERRY: He'll like you more...

ELAINE: That's impossible...

(I'll buy that... Anyhoots, an elder married couple saunter by (yes, they actually saunter)...

WIFE: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table?

HUSBAND: Leave me alone.

JERRY: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married real soon...

JERRY: So, where am I dropping you?

ELAINE: His place...

JERRY: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment...

ELAINE: And he gets the rest of my chicken...

(No, that's no cleverly hidden euphemism. Elaine has a doggie bag from the restaurant.)

JERRY: So, is tonight "the night"?

ELAINE: You never know...

JERRY: Oooh! Bay-bee doll!

(The car arrives. They drive away. Soon, they discover something is definitely amiss)

JERRY: Boy, do you smell something?

ELAINE: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.

JERRY: What is it?

ELAINE: I think it's B.O.!

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: It's B.O. The valet must have had B.O.

JERRY: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.

ELAINE: Jerry. It's B.O.

JERRY: But the whole car smells.

ELAINE: So?

JERRY: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

(They each do their best dog impression and stick their heads out the window while they're driving. They come back inside. They moan disgustedly and stick their heads out, again.)

(We shift to Carl's rather nifty place.)

ELAINE: I can't believe you ski!

CARL: I'm a great skier.

ELAINE: Yeah? What else?

CARL: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder...

ELAINE: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"?

CARL: ...When I travel.

ELAINE: See? Finally, finally I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky.

(Elaine! I can do those things! I can pillage! I can plunder! I can pillage and plunder! I can even divide and conquer in a search algorithm! Oh, never mind... They embrace and kiss, but Carl gets a couple o' whiffs of Elaine's hair, and, judging by the look on Carl's face, he's not smelling Aussie Scrunch Spray)

[We shift to Champagne video where George is returning a movie with Kramer.]

GEORGE: This'll only take a second.

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm going to poke around...

(George goes towards the counter, but he sees a couple of girls holding hands browsing for movies (beside of a cardboard display for "A Few Good Men"-- the irony, the irony...)

GEORGE: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...

(The couple turns around and one of the two is Susan, George's ex-girlfriend!)

GEORGE: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?

(George turns around so as not to be recognized, but I'm guessing his distinctive bald head gives him away)

SUSAN: George?

GEORGE: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?!

SUSAN: Renting a video! What do you got there?

GEORGE: Oh, ... some stupid movie...

SUSAN: This is Mona.

(George methodically extends his hand for a shake, bit by bit)

GEORGE: Oh, hi...

MONA: Pleasure to meet you.

GEORGE: Yes. Well...

MONA: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up.

SUSAN: You okay?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.

SUSAN: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.

GEORGE: Oh, please! Me? C'mon! That's great! Are you kidding? I think thats fantastic! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?

SUSAN: I know who I'm talking to.

GEORGE: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never knew, uh, that, uh...

SUSAN: I liked women?

GEORGE: There you go.

GEORGE: So, uh, how long has this been going on?

SUSAN: Since you and I broke up.

GEORGE: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?

SUSAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.

(Meanwhile, Kramer is practicing his golf swing across from an amused Mona. They can be seen talking in the background as Susan inspects George's movie)

SUSAN: So, what have you got there?

GEORGE: Oh, I, uh--

SUSAN: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''

GEORGE: It's a foreign movie... a film, is what it is, actually.

SUSAN: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh?

GEORGE: No, no, no... Just a tiny bit... It's not even frontal nudity. It's... sidal nudity...

CLERK: Next.

GEORGE: Oh, that's me.

SUSAN: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George.

GEORGE: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the whole thing, there.

CLERK: Uh, what are you returning?

GEORGE: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.

CLERK: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"...

CLERK: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49.

GEORGE: $3.49? It says $1.49.

CLERK: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not rewinding.

GEORGE: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage!

KRAMER: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction.

GEORGE: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...

(Ah yes, memories of Kramer putting thoughts into Newmans mind while dealing with Ron (of Ron's Records). Anyway, we cut to the apartment where Jerry and Elaine are bundling old magazines... )

JERRY: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had gained strength throughout the night...

ELAINE: Y'know I can think of at least six known offensive odours that I would rather smell than what's livin' in your car.

JERRY: What about skunk?

ELAINE: I don't mind skunk.

JERRY: Horse manure?

ELAINE: I loooove horse manure.

JERRY: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and demand they pay for it.

ELAINE: Absolutely.

ELAINE: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?

JERRY: It means he's lying.

ELAINE: Wow...

JERRY: Why? Is that what he told you?

ELAINE: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men have to get up early some time...

JERRY: No. Never.

ELAINE: Jerry! I'm sure I've seen men on the street early in the morning.

JERRY: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

ELAINE: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

JERRY: Anything's possible...

(Kramer Enters)

JERRY: What's the matter with you?

KRAMER: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...

JERRY: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner...

KRAMER: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...

JERRY: I know the list...

KRAMER: What's that smell?

JERRY: What smell?

KRAMER: Ooooh... You stink.

JERRY: Whatd'ya mean I stink?

KRAMER: You stink. Why don't you go take a shower?

JERRY: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car!

ELAINE: So?

JERRY: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!

ELAINE: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!

(George buzzes)

KRAMER: What happened?

JERRY: What happened? My car stinks is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.

[In the car]

GEORGE: What is that? B.O.?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is unbelievable B.O.

JERRY: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it.

GEORGE: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?

JERRY: No, no. It's the valet guy.

GEORGE: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.

JERRY: Oh... No, that's ridiculous.

GEORGE: What if her experience with me drove her to it?

JERRY: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.

GEORGE: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's never been with a guy.

GEORGE: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is beyond B.O.! It's B.B.O.!

JERRY: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...

GEORGE: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

JERRY: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...

(At the restaurant, Jerry, refuses to have his car parked by the valet.)

JERRY: Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!

(Inside, he confronts a snooty restaurant type guy.)

RESTAURATEUR: What do you mean-- "stunk up"?

JERRY: I mean the car stinks! George, does the car stink?

GEORGE: Stinks.

JERRY: Stinks!

RESTAURATEUR: Well, perhaps you're the one who has the odour...

JERRY: Hey, I've never smelled in my life, buddy!

RESTAURATEUR: Really? Well, I smell you now.

JERRY: That's from the car!

RESTAURATEUR: Well, maybe you're the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you!

GEORGE: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...

JERRY: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse.

RESTAURATEUR: I don't have time to smell cars.

GEORGE: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...

JERRY: You've gotta smell the car

RESTAURATEUR: I'm a busy man

JERRY: C'mon! One whiff!

RESTAURATEUR: Alright, one whiff...

(Inside the car, the restaurateur realizes there is some reality in Jerry's story)

RESTAURATEUR: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out!

JERRY: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?

RESTAURATEUR: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!

(Jerry keeps him inside until he agrees to pay half ($125). To his horror, George discovers that some sick individual has stolen ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' from the dash of the car while they were inside. He asks the restaurateur to pay for that, too)

RESTAURATEUR: I'm not paying for that. They've already got my seven dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"...

[Elaine and Carl at Elaine's apartment]

CARL: The valet had such bad B.O.?

ELAINE: Oh, man, just rampant, mutant B.O. The "O" went from the valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...

CARL: That's a relief...

(Carl recoils from an embrace from Elaine)

ELAINE: What?

CARL: It's still there...

ELAINE: No, no, no! It can't be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!

(Elaine corners the poor guy)

[We cut to the video store where George tells the clerk about the video. Susan shows up and George asks her]

GEORGE: Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.

CLERK: That'll be $98.00.

GEORGE: What $98.00?

CLERK: That's what I said. $98.00.

GEORGE: How could that piece of crap cost $98.00!?

(He borrows $35 from Susan to pay for the movie)

GEORGE: So, was it me?

SUSAN: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? [Gives him the $35] Here.

GEORGE: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.

SUSAN: Yeah, sure... I gotta go.

GEORGE: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?

SUSAN: You're an idiot.

GEORGE: Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.

SUSAN: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad.

GEORGE: It's not me! It's the car!

[Cut to Kramer waiting on a street corner]

MONA: I didn't think I'd come.

KRAMER: I knew you would.

MONA: Oh, Kramer!

(They embrace.)

[Car-wash]

CAR WASHER: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.

JERRY: Let's do it.

[Cut to the hair salon where Elaine hears a similar tale from the hairdresser.]

HAIRDRESSER: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.

ELAINE: Tomato Sauce?

[Jerry doles out his $250 and gets in the April-fresh car...]

JERRY: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!

[Elaine visits Carl to present her olfactory-wise magnificent hair.]

CARL: It still smells.

[Jerry explains things to George back at the apartment.]

JERRY: It still smells!

GEORGE: How could it still smell after all that?

JERRY: I don't know!

GEORGE: Well, what are you gonna do?

JERRY: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!

GEORGE: You're selling the car!?

JERRY: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.

GEORGE: Maybe I'll buy it.

JERRY: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a priest to get rid of this thing!

ELAINE: I still smell!

JERRY: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

[Outside, a woman's voice is heard screaming and pounding on Kramer's door.]

SUSAN: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!

JERRY: Susan!

SUSAN: Kramer!

JERRY: What is going on?

SUSAN: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.

GEORGE: He stole your girlfriend?

SUSAN: Yes. She's in love with him.

GEORGE: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

(Kramer waits until George and Susan have left, then calls Jerry on the phone, and begins to explain the situation to Jerry (while coming into his apartment, still on the phone). He realizes his silliness and puts the phone away, but continues the tale, explaining how Mona is a golf instructor, and how he's already taken six strokes off his game.)

JERRY: That's the least of what you've accomplished...

(Kramer explains further and borrows Jerry's jacket for his date with Mona that evening. As he's leaving, Elaine asks the inevitable)

ELAINE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has never been with a man her entire life--

KRAMER: I'm Kramer.

[George and Susan at Monk's]

GEORGE: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want?

SUSAN: I just don't know what she sees in Kramer.

GEORGE: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls...

SUSAN: You think so?

GEORGE: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.

SUSAN: You're very sweet...

GEORGE: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind.

SUSAN: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah, you're just so... hip.

(A woman exits the bathroom and approached the table)

GEORGE: Oh, my God...

SUSAN: What?

GEORGE: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me.

(Despite his hiding, Allison sees George.)

ALLISON: George?

GEORGE: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?

ALLISON: Good. You know, you owe me $50...

GEORGE: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.

ALLISON: Nice to meet you...

SUSAN: Nice to meet you...

ALLISON: That's a beautiful vest...

SUSAN: Thank you...

[Kramer and Jerry at the car lot trying to sell J's car.]

KRAMER: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is fabulous in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.

SALESMAN: What year did you say this was?

JERRY: '90.

KRAMER: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.

JERRY: That's strange...

SALESMAN: How many miles you got on this thing?

JERRY: 23 000.

KRAMER: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing your jacket...

JERRY: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!

[Speak of the Devil, the car salesman exits the car with an "Augh!"... ]

SALESMAN: I can't sell this car.

JERRY: This... thing... has got to be stopped!

[At the salon, Elaine rationally decides her fate to the hairdresser]

HAIRDRESSER: So, what do you want to do?

ELAINE: Sauce me.

[In a rough-looking part of town]

(Jerry parks in front of a punk, tosses his keys in the car, and leaves, making it very obvious to the guy that the car has got a high steal quotient. He stops short of screaming "TAKE IT!". The punk gets in, and... well, let's just say he doesn't smell potpourri...)

[Opening Monologue]

Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin' out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.

The End

S4E22 - The Handicap Spot

Broadcast date: May 13, 1993

Written by  Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

John Randolph .................... Frank Costanza (see NOTE)

Richard Portnow ................ Ray

Rick Overton ...................... The Drake

Nancy Lenehan .................. Volunteer

Elizabeth Dennehy ............. Allison

Kathy Kinney ..................... Bystander

Fritzi Burr .......................... Maj-Jongg Lady #1

Norma Janis ....................... Maj-Jongg Lady #2

Ina Parker .......................... Maj-Jongg Lady #3

Marvin Braverman ............. Cop

David Blackwood .............. Security Guard

Eric Fleeks ......................... Kicker

Donna Evans ..................... Lula

rc: Jerry Stiller ................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza

NOTE: The U.S. syndicated version of this episode features Jerry Stiller in the role of Frank Costanza. The sequences were re-shot in the spring of 1995. A role he didn't formally start until the next season in episode 66 "The Puffy Shirt".

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce: you get impeached and you're not even the president!

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?

ELAINE: We don't walk that fast...

GEORGE: No seriously...

ELAINE: Seriously, we don't.

GEORGE: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass.

ELAINE: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews!

JERRY (coming out of the bathroom) What's the big hurry?

ELAINE: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?

JERRY: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.

GEORGE: I gotta buy a present now?

ELAINE: Of course you do, it's an engagement party.

GEORGE: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.

JERRY: You don't like the Drake?

GEORGE: Hate the Drake.

ELAINE: I love the Drake.

JERRY: How could you not like the Drake?

GEORGE: Who's the Drake?

ELAINE: "Who's the Drake"?

JERRY: The Drake is good!

ELAINE: So listen, what are you gonna get him?

GEORGE: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom)

JERRY: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!

ELAINE: So what? That's easy.

JERRY: Easy?

(Kramer enters in his usual way)

ELAINE: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?

KRAMER: Uh, no, no, not yet.

JERRY: Do you like the Drake?

KRAMER: I love the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette!

ELAINE: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

KRAMER: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle...

JERRY: It's Isosceles

KRAMER: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

ELAINE: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.

JERRY: The chip-in!

ELAINE: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?

JERRY: Yeah!

KRAMER: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!

JERRY: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.

KRAMER: No, no! My car's not running.

(George enters the room from the washroom)

JERRY: What about your father's car?

GEORGE: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.

JERRY: Are you serious?

GEORGE: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.

JERRY: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!

GEORGE: Good thinking!

JERRY: Good to meet you!

[George's father's car]

ELAINE: So what are we gonna get him?

JERRY: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.

GEORGE: I like this area. I could live out here.

KRAMER: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.

JERRY: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now.

GEORGE: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out?

MAN IN CAR: No!

KRAMER: Why don't you take a handicap spot...

GEORGE: You think?

ELAINE: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.

GEORGE: I don't want to walk that far.

ELAINE: What if a handicapped person needs it?

KRAMER: Oh, come on, they don't drive!

JERRY: Yes, they do!

KRAMER: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?

JERRY: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!

KRAMER: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.

ELAINE: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?

GEORGE: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"!

KRAMER: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

GEORGE: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

ELAINE: What does that mean?

GEORGE: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

KRAMER: Yeah, go ahead.

ELAINE: George!

GEORGE: Oh, come on, it's five minutes.

(pulls into handicap spot)

KRAMER: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked.

JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE: Don't worry. We won't forget!

[walking in the parking garage]

JERRY: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?

ELAINE: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...

GEORGE: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...

JERRY: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake!

ELAINE: Got to love the Drake!

(sound of police cars)

JERRY: Hey, what's going on over here?

ELAINE: Must have been an accident...

(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of people)

JERRY: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?

WOMAN: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's...

JERRY: Is she OK?

WOMAN: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!

JERRY: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.

(man hits George's car in rage)

GEORGE: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us!

ELAINE: (to George) Are you happy now?

KRAMER: Who would think these people we're gonna be here?

JERRY: I don't know...

ELAINE: What about the party? What about the Drake?

GEORGE: Screw the Drake!

JERRY: I love the Drake!

KRAMER: Let's just take a bus back to the city.

GEORGE: Can't leave the car here!

KRAMER: Why not?

GEORGE: It's my father's car!

MAN: Let's smash it!

EVERYBODY: Yeah! Yeah!

JERRY: Let's get out of here.

[coffee shop]

GEORGE: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?

JERRY: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?

ELAINE: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?

JERRY: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...

GEORGE: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands!

KRAMER: You'd think...

GEORGE: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that?

KRAMER: Most of them don't even have batteries.

GEORGE: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.

KRAMER: Yeah...

GEORGE: Well, I'm sorry!

ELAINE: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now...

GEORGE: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!

JERRY: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.

ELAINE: Me?

JERRY: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!

ELAINE: Oh, they won't?

JERRY: Not if they don't know you...

ELAINE: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea!

KRAMER: No chance in hell!

JERRY: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming: "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!

GEORGE: That's good, we'll give it a try...

ELAINE: That's good...

JERRY: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!

KRAMER: Huh?

[parking garage]

(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces)

JERRY: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...

[George's parents' house]

FRANK: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years!

(Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)

FRANK: A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat!

GEORGE: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed!

ESTELLE: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him!

FRANK: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss!

MAHJONG LADY: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt!

FRANK: No it isn't!

MAHJONG LADY: So what are you doing now, Georgie?

GEORGE: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...

FRANK: Where the hell is my paper?

MAHJONG LADY: You're writing a pilot?

ESTELLE: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian...

MAHJONG LADY: So what's it about?

GEORGE: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge

sentences him to be Jerry's butler.

MAHJONG LADY: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler!

(giggling)

ESTELLE: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker!

GEORGE: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...

ESTELLE: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him...

(Estelle wins at Mahjongh)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie)

JERRY: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, loved it!

ELAINE: Oh, yeah...

JERRY: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?

ELAINE: Sure!

JERRY: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye...

JERRY: The Drake is great!

ELAINE: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.

(buzzer rings)

JERRY: Yes?

GEORGE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

(Door opens, Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.

JERRY: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?

KRAMER: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.

ELAINE: You went to see her?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Wow, what happened?

KRAMER: I'm in love.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.

JERRY: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.

(George enters)

KRAMER: Ah, I'm glad you're here.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair.

GEORGE: A wheelchair? What for?

KRAMER: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!

GEORGE: Doesn't she have collision?

KRAMER: George, I'm in love with her!

GEORGE: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.

KRAMER: No! She needs it now!

GEORGE: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in?

KRAMER: Well...

ELAINE: Hey, we told you not to park there!

GEORGE: Can't we just fix the old one?

KRAMER: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want?

GEORGE: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS!

[at Surgical Appliances]

SALESMAN: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.

KRAMER: So now, what's this got?

SALESMAN: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.

GEORGE: How much?

SALESMAN: 6200.

GEORGE: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?

[At the Drake's]

(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)

JERRY and ELAINE: Hey Drake! Hi Drake!

JERRY:Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that!

ELAINE: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what?

THE DRAKE: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...

(Jerry sits down next to Alison)

JERRY: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight....

ELAINE: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?

JERRY: So where're we eatin'?

THE DRAKE: Well, actually... Jerry...

ELAINE: I'm really hungry!

THE DRAKE: ... we just broke up...

JERRY: When did this happen?

THE DRAKE: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew!

JERRY: (looking at the TV) Look at the picture on this thing...

ELAINE: Oh, cristal clear!

JERRY: They know how to make 'em...

(The Drake starts sobbing)

ELAINE: Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?

THE DRAKE: (through his sobbing) Gagliano's... that's pretty good...

JERRY: Well... we should...

ELAINE: Get movin'...

JERRY: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best.

ELAINE: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!

(The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door then returns)

ELAINE: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...

[at Surgical Appliances]

SALESMAN: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat.

KRAMER: But this'll get you around?

SALESMAN: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar.

GEORGE: Like what?

SALESMAN: For example, your tremor-damping.

KRAMER: Now what's that?

SALESMAN: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity.

KRAMER: Well, is it alright if I try it?

SALESMAN: Hop in!

(Kramer sits down, and likes it)

KRAMER: Oh yeah!

(Salesman is laughing)

SALESMAN: I tell ya...

(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)

SALESMAN: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place.

GEORGE: How much?

(Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs)

SALESMAN: How about $240?

GEORGE & KRAMER: We'll take it!

[Jerry's appartment]

ELAINE: Drake gave her the TV?

JERRY: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.

ELAINE: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's our TV!

JERRY: I know it is!

ELAINE: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!

JERRY: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.

ELAINE: They don't know anybody in Chicago.

JERRY: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.

GEORGE (excited) The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair.

JERRY: I don't know about defraying.

GEORGE: Why?

JERRY: We're not gettin' that TV.

GEORGE: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business.

ELAINE: The Drakette took it.

GEORGE: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours.

ELAINE: Well, she has it!

GEORGE: (upset) I told you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!

GEORGE: Maybe we should call her.

ELAINE: Well, who's gonna call?

JERRY: You are.

ELAINE: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?

JERRY: Because that's your thing!

ELAINE: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"?

JERRY: Yeah, that's your thing.

ELAINE: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"...

(Elaine starts dialling)

JERRY: (to George) You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: I could see that...

(Alison through phone): Hello?

ELAINE: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...

(Alison through phone): I gave all the gifts to charity.

ELAINE: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake...

(Alison though phone): I hate the Drake.

ELAINE: Everybody does. Bye-bye....

(Elaine hangs up the phone)

ELAINE: She gave it to charity.

JERRY: Charity?!? That's apalling.

GEORGE: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah!

GEORGE: You mean a blessing in disguise?

KRAMER: Yeah....

[At George's parents' place]

LADY: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month!

(applause)

LADY: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs!

(applause, door bel rings)

LADY: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you!

(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)

FRANK: Well... thank you very much!

COP: Mr. Costanza?

FRANK: Yes?

COP: You're under arrest.

FRANK: Under arrest? What for?

COP: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A.

FRANK: What's that?

COP: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...

FRANK: George! George!

[Jerry's appartment]

JERRY: Your father got arrested? For what?

GEORGE: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.

JERRY: Ho-ly!

GEORGE: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...

JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

GEORGE: I agreed to become his butler.

JERRY: What?

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: What's the matter?

KRAMER: It's over!

JERRY: What's over?

KRAMER: Me and Lola....

GEORGE: The woman we bought the wheelchair for?

KRAMER: Yeah, she dumped me!

JERRY: She dumped you?

KRAMER: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?

JERRY & GEORGE: (hesitatingly) ... no...

KRAMER: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?

GEORGE: ...you're very attractive...

KRAMER: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!

JERRY: Drop dead?

GEORGE: Boy, even I never heard that one...

JERRY: She's pretty rough!

KRAMER: Yeesh-jip!

GEORGE: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.

JERRY: 240 bucks?

GEORGE: Well, it was slightly used...

JERRY: Used?

[cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work, screaming]

[George's parents' place]

(George's vaccuuming)

Frank (picking up his shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on these...

(George turns off the vaccuum)

GEORGE: What!?

FRANK: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?

(Phone rings)

FRANK: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye!

(hangs up the phone)

FRANK: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.

GEORGE: Sons of bitches!

FRANK: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her.

GEORGE: Big screen TV?

FRANK: Do you think you can handle it?

[At the Drakette's]

(knock on door, the Drakette opens)

ALLISON: Yes?

GEORGE: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV.

ALLISON: Oh great, it's right over there.

KRAMER: Ooh, it's a big one!

[All four inside a delivery van outside the mall]

GEORGE: Who's got the receipt?

ELAINE: I do.

GEORGE: Will they give us cash?

JERRY: That's their policy.

GEORGE: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...

KRAMER: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?

GEORGE: What if there is a fire?

KRAMER: What are the chances of that?

The End

S4E23 - The Pilot (1)

Broadcast date: May 20, 1993

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode.

Written by  Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anne Twomey .................... Rita

Gina Hecht .......................... Dana Foley

Jeremy Piven ...................... Michael Barth (TV George)

Larry Hankin ..................... Tom Pepper (TV Kramer)

Kevin Page ......................... Stu

Mariska Hargitay ............... Melissa

Laura Waterbury ............... Casting Director

Elena Wohl ......................... Sandi Robbins (TV Elaine)

Bruce Jarchow .................... Doctor

Al Ruscio ............................. Manager

Richard Gant ...................... Fred

Peter Blood ......................... Jay

Roger Rose ......................... Mark

Samantha Dorman .............. Waitress

Erick Avari ......................... Cabbie

Bob Shaw ........................... Paul

Stephen Burrows ............... David

rc: Bob Balaban .................. Russell Dalrimple

rc: Peter Crombie ............... Crazy" Joe Davola

==================================================================

[setting: night club]

JERRY: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

[setting: Jerry's]

(Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)

KRAMER: Why can't I play Kramer?

JERRY: Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor!

KRAMER: Neither are you.

JERRY: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?

KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.

JERRY: My grandmother's in the hospital.

KRAMER: Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!

JERRY: This is real believable.

KRAMER: What you didn't think I was really laughing?

JERRY: It stinks.

KRAMER: Let me see you do it.

JERRY: Say something funny.

KRAMER: Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.

JERRY: Ah..........

KRAMER: Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)

(George enters while they're both laughing)

GEORGE: Why are two pretending to be laughing?

JERRY: We're acting. (they stop laughing)

GEORGE: Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.

JERRY: (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.

KRAMER: (to George) Yeah!

GEORGE: Out of the question.

KRAMER: Oughh!

GEORGE: (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know)

(scene ends)

[setting: Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant]

(Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table)

RUSSELL: I really appreciate you coming.

ELAINE: Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So...

RUSSELL: All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just--It's just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once...

ELAINE: That was two months ago.

RUSSELL: Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret)

ELAINE: Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table)

RUSSELL: But I want you.

ELAINE: God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does).

RUSSELL: Is it something I said... or did?

ELAINE: Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.

RUSSELL: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.

ELAINE: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.

RUSSELL: Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show.

ELAINE: Really? What is it about?

RUSSELL: (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing.

ELAINE: (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing?

RUSSELL: (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today?

ELAINE: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.

RUSSELL: There's a show. that's a show.

ELAINE: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So...

RUSSELL: (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna see each other again.

ELAINE: I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving).

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

(back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.

GEORGE: He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag)

(Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone)

JERRY: (to George) Again with the sweat pants?

GEORGE: What? I'm comfortable.

JERRY: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled)

KRAMER: (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it?

KRAMER: That's NBC.

JERRY: NBC!?! Give me the phone!

KRAMER: I'm in the middle of a conversation here.

JERRY: Get off the phone!

KRAMER: (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)

JERRY: You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it?

KRAMER: Russell Dalrimple's secretary.

JERRY: All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)

(scene ends)

[setting: Dana's office]

GEORGE: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?

DANA: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.

GEORGE: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.

DANA: I thought you didn't believe in God?

GEORGE: I do for the bad things.

DANA: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip?

GEORGE: What?

DANA: It's like a discoloration. It's white.

GEORGE: (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.

DANA: You'd better get that checked out.

GEORGE: Better get that checked out?

DANA: I would.

GEORGE: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?

DANA: I'm trying to help you.

GEORGE: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)

DANA: I think you'd better go.

GEORGE: Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry and George in a cab at a light]

JERRY: Where?

GEORGE: Right here. (showing his lip)

JERRY: Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack')

GEORGE: (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?

CABBIE: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.

GEORGE: Oh, my God.

CABBIE: Yeah, it's all white.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!

JERRY: Would you stop?

CABBIE: I would get that checked out if I were you.

GEORGE: Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.

JERRY: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.

GEORGE: Catch what in time?

JERRY: Whatever it is.

GEORGE: You think it's something?

CABBIE: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers)

JERRY: (to George) You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola.

JOE DEVOLA: (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away)

(scene ends)

[setting: NBC]

(Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee table.)

STU: (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration.

GEORGE: (to Jay) What do you think it is?

JAY: It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers)

CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. guys, are we ready to start?

JERRY: Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.

(George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.)

STU: Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me.

JAY: He must be worried about the fall schedule.

STU: Ah, it's a real bear.

GEORGE: Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week?

STU: Yeah. Right.

(the casting director enters with an actor)

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair)

MARK: Hey how you doing?

JERRY: (thinking) They've gotta be kidding.

GEORGE: (thinking) This guy's perfect.

CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part.

MARK: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny)

CASTING DIRECTOR: No. Why?

MARK: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".

CASTING DIRECTOR: I'm Vandelay Industries?

MARK: Right.

CASTING DIRECTOR: What is that?

MARK: You're in latex.

CASTING DIRECTOR: What do I do with latex?

MARK: I don't know, you manufacture it.

(scene cuts)

(the casting director enters with another actor)

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)

ALL: Hi Michael. How you doing?

JERRY: Everything all right?

MICHAEL: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Any questions?

MICHAEL: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?

GEORGE: No, not a loser!

CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here?

MICHAEL: A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George)

CASTING DIRECTOR: So?

MICHAEL: Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ...

CASTING DIRECTOR: He was what?

MICHAEL: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter)

CASTING DIRECTOR: That's a massage.

MICHAEL: I think it moved.

(scene cuts)

(the casting director enters with a beautiful actress)

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is Melissa Shannon.

MELISSA: Hi.

ALL: Hi. How you doing.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Melissa is reading for Elaine.

MELISSA: It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.

JERRY: No you didn't. He knows he's bald.

MELISSA: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table)

CASTING DIRECTOR: O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down)

JERRY: (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.

MELISSA: Oh, great.

(the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)

JERRY: Alright, want to start?

MELISSA: Yeah.

JERRY: O.K.

MELISSA: Ahem. What was that look?

JERRY: What look?

MELISSA: That look you just gave me?

JERRY: I gave a look?

MELISSA: Yes.

GEORGE: Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's see some more Kramers.

(We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role o Kramer)

ALL: Hi. How you doing?

TOM: (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing?

JERRY: (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.

(scene cuts)

(Tom and the casting director are into a scene)

CASTING DIRECTOR: What is this about?

TOM: (standing) Levels.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Levels?

TOM: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt.

CASTING DIRECTOR: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that?

TOM: Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table)

GEORGE: Very nice

JERRY: Very good

GEORGE: Very nice Tom, that was terrific.

TOM: May I? (pointing the box of raisins)

GEORGE: Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins)

JERRY: (to George) It was a wonderful reading.

GEORGE: Yeah. Really.

TOM: Well, bye.

GEORGE: Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director)

STU: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny.

JERRY: Yeah, I liked him.

GEORGE: What happened to the raisins?

JAY: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!

GEORGE: Did he just steal the raisins?

STU: You think he stole them?

CASTING DIRECTOR: (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand.

JERRY: (to Kramer) What are you doing here?

CASTING DIRECTOR: You two know each other?

STU: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.

KRAMER: That's true.

(Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.)

KRAMER: (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?

STU: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end.

KRAMER: Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)

(We see Kramer, groaning and holding his stomach, running down the hall, and opening the bathroom's door. Someone in there says: "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...)

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)

ELAINE: So who's playing Elaine?

JERRY: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: Who is it?

JERRY: She's an eskimo, actually.

ELAINE: Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)

JERRY: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.

ELAINE: Listen, was Russell at the casting?

JERRY: No, he didn't show up.

ELAINE: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?

JERRY: No. No you're not.

ELAINE: Why do I keep setting you up?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is really slow.

JERRY: Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?

ELAINE: Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.

JERRY: Beside that. Look at the waitresses.

ELAINE: Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)

JERRY: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?

ELAINE: Ah...

JERRY: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?

ELAINE: Yes, I would say.

JERRY: What's going on here. How is that possible?

ELAINE: Do you think it's a coincidence?

JERRY: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.

(the waitress finally came with the coffee)

ELAINE: (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here?

WAITRESS: He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away)

ELAINE: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?

JERRY: Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.

(scene ends)

[setting: doctor's clinic]

GEORGE: You see, It's right here. It's all white...

DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before.

GEORGE: You've never seen this before?

DOCTOR: I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm)

GEORGE: (dramatically) A what?

DOCTOR: A biopsy.

GEORGE: A biopsy?

DOCTOR: Yeah.

GEORGE: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?

DOCTOR: Well I don't know what it is.

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

GEORGE: A biopsy!

JERRY: What did he say?

GEORGE: He said he didn't know what it was.

JERRY: Alright. So?

GEORGE: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?"

JERRY: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.

GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)

JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: Hey. What happened to you yesterday?

KRAMER: I got mugged.

GEORGE: You got mugged?

JERRY: Mugged?

KRAMER: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.

JERRY: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?

KRAMER: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...

(door buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: But now I have a big problem, buddy.

JERRY: What is it?

KRAMER: Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.

JERRY: You didn't go?

KRAMER: No. And now I can't get it back.

(George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)

JERRY: The % thing to do is just not think about it.

KRAMER: How could you not think about it?

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: (mumbles and leaves)

ELAINE: What's the matter with him?

JERRY: He's a little backed up.

ELAINE: Oh...

(George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)

GEORGE: Elaine.

ELAINE: So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.

JERRY: Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)

(Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom)

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life.

ELAINE: So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.

GEORGE: Apply for a job? What for?

ELAINE: Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirts, untucked)

GEORGE: It's a coincidence.

JERRY: This is what you gonna wear?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: You're not gonna get the job.

ELAINE: Exactly.

(phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)

JERRY: (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)

ELAINE: Who was it?

JERRY: TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part.

ELAINE: What about the dogs?

JERRY: They're having sex in the hotel room.

(scene ends)

[setting: Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier]

(Jerry and TV Elaine: Sandi Robbins)

SANDI: So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know.

JERRY: Yes.

SANDI: And she's really your ex-girlfriend?

JERRY: Uh, Huh, yeah.

SANDI: I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her.

JERRY: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.

SANDI: How would she eat a hamburger?

JERRY: With her hands.

SANDI: What about pasta?

JERRY: Also with her hands.

SANDI: Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced.

JERRY: Everything?

SANDI: Everything.

JERRY: All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.

SANDI: That's good. What's her favorite movie?

JERRY: Shaft.

SANDI: You got to get me a picture. What about sex?

JERRY: She likes talking during sex.

SANDI: Oh... dirty talking?

JERRY: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking at his watch)

SANDI: Elaine.

JERRY: What?

SANDI: Call me Elaine.

JERRY: All right. Elaine.

SANDI: How does Elaine kiss?

JERRY: Well--

SANDI: Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry)

JERRY: Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like--

SANDI: Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral)

JERRY: I think you got it.

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier)

KRAMER: I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.

TOM: I'll have a hamburger. That's it.

KRAMER: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.

TOM: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you.

KRAMER: You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer.

TOM: I'm Kramer.

KRAMER: Whoa, I'm Kramer.

(scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)

Mr. VISAKI: (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table.

ELAINE: No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.

Mr. VISAKI: (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before.

ELAINE: Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified.

Mr. VISAKI: I don't think I need anyone else right now.

ELAINE: You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves)

Mr. VISAKI: What? What did I do?

(scene ends)

[setting: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office]

ELAINE: Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.

FRED: Who's Russ Meyer?

ELAINE: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say.

FRED: Anyway, go on.

ELAINE: Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me.

FRED: (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this.

PAUL: (to Elaine) Hi.

ELAINE: Hi.

FRED: Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women.

PAUL: (to Elaine) Really?

(to be continued...)

S4E24 - The Pilot (2)

Broadcast date: May 20, 1993

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode.

Written by  Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anne Twomey ................... Rita

Jeremy Piven ...................... Michael Barth (TV George)

Larry Hankin ..................... Tom Pepper (TV Kramer)

Kevin Page ......................... Stu

Elena Wohl ......................... Sandi Robbins (TV Elaine)

Al Ruscio ............................ Manager

Richard Gant ...................... Fred

Peter Blood ........................ Jay

Brian Bradley ..................... Butler

Bob Shaw ........................... Paul

Deborah Swisher ............... 1st AD

Jeff Oetjen .......................... Wilton

Pat Hazell ........................... Himself

Kari Coleman ..................... Allison

Bill Erwin ........................... Sid

Lanei Chapman ................. Housekeeper

Jane Leeves ....................... Marla

Unknown .......................... John-John (Kennedy)

Rick Overton .................... The Drake

Elizabeth Dennehy ........... Allison

Maggie Han ..................... Cheryl

Ping Wu ........................... Ping

Brian Doyle-Murray ......... Mel

Carol Mansell ................... Mother

Jon Hayman ..................... Voice of Donald (The Bubble Boy)

Jennifer Campbell ............ Tia

Nicholas Hormann .......... Calvin Klein

Teri Hatcher .................... Sidra

Tony Amendola .............. Rushdie

rc: Bob Balaban ............... Russell Dalrimple

rc: Peter Crombie ............ Crazy" Joe Davola

rc: Heidi Swedberg ......... Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Barney Martin ............ Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan ............... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Wayne Knight ............ Newman

==================================================================

[setting: NBC, pilot's set]

(Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)

TOM: What do you mean made up?

JERRY: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.

TOM: You're crazy.

JERRY: No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?

MICHAEL: What do you mean Danish?

GEORGE: (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)

JERRY: Danish. Is it from Denmark?

MICHAEL: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.

TOM: I can't believe that. They fooled me Jerry.

RITA: (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly)

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled me Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They fooled me Jerry!". You see the difference?

TOM: I'm not gonna say it like that.

GEORGE: Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)

YELLING GUY: (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five.

GEORGE: (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!

JERRY: George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.

GEORGE: Why is that?

JERRY: I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?

GEORGE: Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?

JERRY: Why would he steal a box of raisins?

GEORGE: Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)

(scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers)

RITA: (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?

RUSSELL: What?

RITA: You O.K.?

RUSSELL: Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves)

(scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy of the script)

SANDI: What's the matter?

JERRY: Nothing.

SANDI: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?

JERRY: No.

SANDI: Are you breaking up with me?

JERRY: Are we going out?

SANDI: You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying)

JERRY: Do you want me to break up with you?

SANDI: If that's what you want.

JERRY: I don't even know what you're talking about.

SANDI: Fine. Break up with me.

JERRY: All right. We're broken up.

SANDI: (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on)

(scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage)

GEORGE: Remember when you came to audition for us?

TOM: Yeah.

GEORGE: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left?

TOM: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you.

TOM: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?

GEORGE: Oh, no, no--

TOM: (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?

GEORGE: No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)

TOM: Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?

GEORGE: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.

(scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine)

RUSSELL: (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him)

DAVID: Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.

RUSSELL: All right. All right. What's your name?

DAVID: David Richardson.

RUSSELL: Get out! You're fired!

DAVID: But Mr. Dalrimple--

RUSSELL: Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

GEORGE: The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.

JERRY: Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.

GEORGE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!

GEORGE: Come on you're... uh... you're fine.

JERRY: This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.

GEORGE: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.

JERRY: This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.

GEORGE: The guy playing Kramer threatened me.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: 'cause I asked him about the raisins.

JERRY: You mentioned the raisins.

GEORGE: Oh yeah.

JERRY: Did he take 'em?

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?

GEORGE: That's what I'm trying to find out.

(Kramer enters slowly and carefully)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Any luck?

KRAMER: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.

JERRY: What about bran?

KRAMER: I tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.

JERRY: Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.

KRAMER: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.

JERRY: Oh, it's not that bad!

GEORGE: Yes it is.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.

JERRY: (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?

ELAINE: No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.

JERRY: Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.

ELAINE: Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.

JERRY: We need you there!

ELAINE: (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?

KRAMER: No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves)

(scene ends)

[setting: NBC, pilot's set, the taping]

The taping is about to begin.

People are walking into the studio.

Jerry is getting a makeup.

Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated.

Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.

George looks at his lip in a mirror.

Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins.

Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses.

Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus.

Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done.

SANDI: (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall!

ASSISTANT DRESSER: Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?

JERRY: Try Elaine.

ASSISTANT DRESSER: Elaine?

SANDI: Yes?

(scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)

WILTON: Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?

ELAINE: Oh, right.

WILTON: Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit.

(scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry andruns to him)

MICHAEL: I can't remember my lines!!!

JERRY: Just relax, you'll be fine.

MICHAEL: I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em!

JERRY: You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing!

MICHAEL: Help me Jerry! Help me!

(scene cuts to the producers in the crowd)

RITA: (to Stu) Where is Russell?

STU: You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it.

JAY: He hasn't been well.

STU: (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman.

RITA: How pathetic.

(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)

GEORGE: This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)

(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)

(scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus)

(scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip)

GEORGE: (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.

TOM: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat?

(scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)

PAT HAZELL: Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right.

(scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing his bathroom's door.)

(scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd)

JERRY: Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--

JOE DEVOLA: (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

GEORGE: Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?

JERRY: Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.

GEORGE: Really? What does it mean?

JERRY: It means: "Death to tyrants".

GEORGE: I can see that.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?

JERRY: No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal?

ELAINE: Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it.

GEORGE: Yeah, me too.

JERRY: Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Strange. Even not showing up at the taping...

(Kramer enters, singing and dancing)

KRAMER: Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!

JERRY: Well, well, well.

ELAINE: Congratulations.

KRAMER: Well, thank you.

GEORGE: You went for the big "E".

KRAMER: Wet and wild.

JERRY: All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.

KRAMER: Oh, yes.

(Elaine finds something under the couch cushions)

ELAINE: Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.

JERRY: A wallet? Let me see that.

ELAINE: Here.

JERRY: Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.

GEORGE: Shh! This is it!

JERRY: How do you like that?

(The show begins. There are three different settings while the show is on TV. Each line or description will be preceded by the right setting:

[Jerry's] Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot.

[TV] The pilot

[Viewers] Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the pilot.)

===[TV]===

(Jerry's doing his stand-up routine at a comedy club. There's the music theme and we don't hear what he is saying, but the closed captions put that:

"I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?"

We see the title 'Jerry', then, sitting at the comedy club, we see:

Micheal, Sandi, and Tom, and finally Jerry, and the four of them make a toast while it's written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".

===[Jerry's]===

(they all applause as the intro ends)

ELAINE: Bravo!

(Kramer taps George on the shoulder)

GEORGE: You hurt me.

===[TV]===

(Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters)

MICHAEL: Hey.

JERRY: Hey George.

MICHAEL: New sneakers?

JERRY: Yeah.

MICHAEL: What do you need new sneakers for?

JERRY: I like sneakers.

MICHAEL: How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day.

JERRY: Nah, you're crazy anyway.

===[Viewers]====

(Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch)

SUSAN AND ALLSION: (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George!

(Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man')

SID: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing)

(John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote in his hands)

MARLA: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.

JOHN: (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?

MARLA: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!

JOHN: Nevertheless...

(The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna)

THE DRAKE: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!

ALLSION: Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna)

(Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English)

PING: I can't believe you liked him.

CHERYL: I thought he was dark and disturbed.

PING: Real perceptive.

(Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing)

DONALD: This is a piece of crap!

MOTHER: Donald, you used to like him.

DONALD: What a sellout! Give me that remote!

MEL: No, Donald.

(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight)

===[Jerry's]===

(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator)

KRAMER: Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over.

JERRY: All right.

ELAINE: You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.

JERRY: Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah.

===[TV]===

(doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles)

JERRY: Hello, Charles.

CHARLES: Hello. So, where do you want me to start today?

JERRY: Why don't you start in the bedroom?

CHARLES: (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...

(Tom enters)

TOM: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. The butler's here.

TOM: He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.

JERRY: I'm not sending him to your house.

TOM: Why not?

JERRY: Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.

TOM: Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do.

JERRY: But I don't want to.

KRAMER: Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.

(buzzer, Jerry presses the button)

JERRY: Yeah?

SANDI: (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.

JERRY: Come on up.

(The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge)

CHARLES: I need more Pledge.

JERRY: More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house!

CHARLES: Well, it goes fast.

(Sandi enters)

SANDI: (to Charles, very friendly) Hello.

CHARLES: Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom)

JERRY: What's all this about?

SANDI: We had a date.

JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?

SANDI: Why do I need your permission?

JERRY: Because he's my butler!

===[Viewers]===

(Morty and Helen laughing)

MORTY: That's terrific!

HELEN: How could anyone not like him?

(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick')

C.K.: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.

TIA: But he picks his nose.

C.K.: Nevertheless...

(Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant')

SAL BASS: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he?

SIDRA: Yeah...

SAL BASS: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?

(Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV)

===[TV]===

(final monologue at the comedy club)

JERRY: Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?

(quick shot at ===[Jerry's]=== they all watch)

JERRY: You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you".

(end of the pilot and of the three different settings)

[setting: back to Jerry's]

ALL: (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!

ELAINE: Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.

JERRY: Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)

ELAINE: That was so good.

JERRY: Come on let's eat something. (phone rings)

ELAINE: You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!

GEORGE: Do you really think so?

ELAINE: Oh yeah.

GEORGE: And God didn't kill me.

JERRY: (to the phone) Hello?

RITA: Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.

JERRY: Oh, hi Rita.

RITA: I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.

JERRY: Oh, my God. Did he get fired?

RITA: To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.

JERRY: Russell's disappeared?

RITA: In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show.

JERRY: You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!

RITA: Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)

(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)

ELAINE: What-- What are you looking at me for?

GEORGE: It was you!

ELAINE: What did I do?

JERRY: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?

ELAINE: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault.

GEORGE: Yes it is! You're very charming!

ELAINE: I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?

JERRY: No one knows.

(scene ends)

[setting: Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler]

(Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat)

RUSSELL: She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me.

MAN ON RAFT: You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires)

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)

JERRY: Hey look at this. What is going on here?

GEORGE: Well, well, well.

ELAINE: Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?

FRED: Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out.

PAUL: Yeah, we're checking it out.

ELAINE: (to Paul) You're checking it out?

(a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table)

MAN: (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys.

Mr. VISAKI: Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows.

ELAINE: (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this!

Mr. VISAKI: Get away with what?

ELAINE: Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.

Mr. VISAKI: Of course they're alike. They're my daughters.

(they all show smiles of surprise)

ELAINE: (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.

GEORGE: You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.

Mr. VISAKI: Oh, here's a table for you.

GEORGE: A table right here.

Mr. VISAKI: Peggy!

GEORGE: Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.

JERRY: What a family!

Mr. VISAKI: My daughter Peggy.

GEORGE: Ah! Peggy. Good to see you.

ELAINE: Hi Peggy.

GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Start looking for a job.

KRAMER: You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.

(scene ends)

[setting: Greenpeace raft]

(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.)

MAN: Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!

(we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)

The End

Season 5

S5E1 - The Mango

Broadcast date: September 16, 1993

Written by Lawrence H. Levy & Buck Dancer (Larry David pseudonym)

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lisa Edelstein ..................... Karen

Leonard Termo ................. Joe

Veralyn Jones .................... Renee

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

How 'bout that seedless watermelon? What an invention, scientists are working on this. You know other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, aids, heart disease. These guys are goin' 'No, I'm focusing on melon. Oh sure thousands of people are dying needlessly. But this (makes a spitting noise) that's gotta stop. You ever try to pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible I'm devoting my life to that.' So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds the rind is goin' next. What do we need that for? Get rid of the rind. They're not going to stop till they're making in the ground ready to eat fruit cups, growin' right out of the ground.

[location: Monk's]

(Jerry and George at the usual booth)

JERRY: So, what's her name?

GEORGE: Karen.

JERRY: Is she nice?

GEORGE: Great.

JERRY: So you like her?

GEORGE: I think so.

JERRY: You don't know?

GEORGE: I can't tell anymore.

JERRY: Well do you feel anything?

GEORGE: Feel? What's that?

JERRY: All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?

GEORGE: Cleaning

JERRY: You do the tub?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah.

JERRY: Okay, I think you're in love!

GEORGE: Tub is love?

JERRY: Tub is love.

GEORGE: Hah.

JERRY: So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.

GEORGE: Yep. There's one liiiittle problem.

JERRY: Sexual?

GEORGE: Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well..... I've never really felt confident in uh..... one particular aspect.

JERRY: Below the equator?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

GEORGE: I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap.

JERRY: You got the tap?

GEORGE: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.

JERRY: The tap is tough.

GEORGE: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

JERRY: Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.

GEORGE: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.

JERRY: It's a very complicated area.

GEORGE: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.

JERRY: It's a haaazy mystery.

GEORGE: Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.

(Elaine joins them)

ELAINE: Who's faking?

GEORGE: Nothing.

ELAINE: Faking what?

GEORGE: Nobody's faking.

ELAINE: Ah! Orgasm?

GEORGE: She's not faking!

ELAINE: How do you know?

GEORGE: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?

ELAINE: Of course.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: You faked?

ELAINE: On occasion.

JERRY: And the guy never knows?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: How can he not know that?

ELAINE: Because I was gooood.

JERRY: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.

(Jerry and George laugh)

ELAINE: You didn't know.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: You didn't know.

JERRY: Are you saying...

(George clears his throat and calls a waitress)

GEORGE: I think I'll have a piece of cake.

JERRY: With me?

ELAINE: Well...

JERRY: You faked with me?

ELAINE: Ye.

JERRY: You faked with me?

ELAINE: Yeass.

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Yeass.

JERRY: You faked it?

ELAINE: I faked it.

JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

ELAINE: Not bad huh?

JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?

ELAINE: (points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake.

JERRY: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?

ELAINE: Uuuhm, all the time.

JERRY: All the time?!

GEORGE: We got a chocolate malt in here!

JERRY: But I'm so good.

GEORGE: I'm sure you are.

ELAINE: Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.

JERRY: She faked.

(George smiles sarcastically)

JERRY: Maybe they've all been faking.

ELAINE: I'm sure they're not.

GEORGE: Maybe Karen is faking.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove)

KRAMER: She was probably joking.

JERRY: No no, it was no joke.

KRAMER: She didn't have any?

JERRY: No. None.

KRAMER: (raising hand) She faked 'em all.

JERRY: (raising hand) Faked 'em all.

KRAMER: Well so she faked 'em, so what?

JERRY: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.

KRAMER: You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.

JERRY: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.

KRAMER: Yeah I could have helped you out.

JERRY: What could you have done?

KRAMER: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy.

JERRY: I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.

KRAMER: Aaaaah.

JERRY: Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.

(The phone rings)

KRAMER: Giddy-up.

(Jerry picks it up)

JERRY: Hello... Oh hello Elaine.

(Elaine at her desk in her office)

ELAINE: So we're having dinner tonight?

JERRY: I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.

ELAINE: Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?

JERRY: What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.

ELAINE: Nooo, the other thing.

JERRY: Oooh that. Well...

ELAINE: Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.

JERRY: Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: All right.

ELAINE: All right, see you later.

JERRY: Bye.

ELAINE: Bye.

(The Location stays at Elaine's office)

[location: Elaine's office]

(Elaine hangs up the phone; Rene walks passed the office)

ELAINE: Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: Ummm, have you ever... you know... faked it?

RENE: Yeah, sometimes.

ELAINE: Really, like when?

RENE: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. (Elaine is sitting there, jaw opened shaking her head yes) Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

(Resume at the point Jerry hangs up his phone from the conversation with Elaine)

JERRY: I really don't feel like seeing her.

KRAMER: You know, I faked it.

JERRY: (confused) What?!

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: You faked it? Why would you do that?

KRAMER: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

JERRY: Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach?

KRAMER: It's terrible!

JERRY: Did you get that at Joe's?

KRAMER: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.

JERRY: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.

KRAMER: You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this.

JERRY: You're returning used fruit?

KRAMER: Jerry this peach is sub par.

(Kramer exits)

[location: Joe's]

JOE: So what do you want me to do?

KRAMER: I want restitution.

JOE: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?

KRAMER: Because it's no good.

JOE: When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.

KRAMER: It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.

JOE: I stand behind my fruit.

KRAMER: So...

JOE: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.

KRAMER: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.

JOE: Well let me put a solution for ya: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.

KRAMER: Oh now you don't want my business.

JOE: No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned!

KRAMER: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

[location: restaurant]

(George and Karen having dinner)

KAREN: (moaning) Mmmmm, Mmmm, Hmmhmmhmmm (lights a cigarette) Mmmm (takes a puff) Woo

GEORGE: (thinking of the moans) Heh. (Karen takes another puff of her cigarette) You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. (chuckles) You have a very contented air over there. (chuckles again) You look very contented, very satisfied. (pauses) Are you satisfied?

KAREN: I'm very satisfied.

GEORGE: I-I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?

KAREN: I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma.

GEORGE: Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head)

KAREN: Maybe.

GEORGE: So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there?

KAREN: Generally.

GEORGE: Do you uh feel the way you feel after the Risotto?

KAREN: Well no, I feel full after the Risotto.

GEORGE: Yeah...(scratching his head) full.

[location: (another) restaurant]

ELAINE: Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo

JERRY: Satisfied?

ELAINE: Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?

JERRY: Meryl Streep?

ELAINE: You don't like her?

JERRY: Ah, she's okay.

ELAINE: I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.

JERRY: Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?

(Calls for the waiter)

ELAINE: I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?

ELAINE: What's the matter?

JERRY: Nothing.

ELAINE: You're not still thinking about that are you?

JERRY: Nooo.

(Jerry and Elaine somewhat chuckling)

ELAINE: Oh good.

JERRY: Give me another shot!

ELAINE: (shocked) What?

JERRY: Another shot, I want another shot.

ELAINE: You mean...?

JERRY: Yes!

ELAINE: Oooh no, I don't think so.

JERRY: Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!

ELAINE: Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.

JERRY: Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship .

ELAINE: Jerry no, that's important to me.

JERRY: We won't ruin the friendship.

ELAINE: Ya, Yes we will!

JERRY: Elaine...

ELAINE: No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.

JERRY: A half hour, give me a half our.

ELAINE: No!

JERRY: Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!

ELAINE: Noo!

JERRY: You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?

ELAINE: What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.

JERRY: That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.

ELAINE: That is so ridiculous.

JERRY: Come on, Elaine!

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Elaine?!

ELAINE: No!

[location: Karen's bedroom]

(George and Karen in bed; George indicates that the sex went wrong)

GEORGE: It's Jerry's fault.

KAREN: Jerry?

GEORGE: Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.

KAREN: Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right.

GEORGE: So you feel okay?

KAREN: Well, it's not like after the Risotto.

[location: Jerry's car]

JERRY: Well good night.

ELAINE: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.

JERRY: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.

ELAINE: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).

JERRY: Oh what, you're upset?

ELAINE: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?

JERRY: No I can't, maybe you're faking.

ELAINE: I'm really, really sorry I told you that.

JERRY: I'm sorry too.

ELAINE: Well stop being such a baby.

JERRY: You're a baby!

ELAINE: You're a baby!

[location: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'

JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?

GEORGE: I hate him!

JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.

GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?

JERRY: Why can't you get it?

KRAMER: Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and uh well Joe doesn't want my business.

GEORGE: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?

JERRY: (to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything.

KRAMER: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?

JERRY: Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.

KRAMER: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!

JERRY: Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?

GEORGE: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

(George leaves)

(The phone rings, Jerry picks it up)

JERRY: Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye.

(Jerry hangs up the phone)

JERRY: Patty Lawrence had 'em!

KRAMER: Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?

JERRY: Yeah.

(Jerry makes another call)

JERRY: Hello Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?

[location: outside Joe's]

JERRY: Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

KRAMER: All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list)

JERRY: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?

KRAMER: I like mangos.

JERRY: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.

KRAMER: Well they gotta be soft.

JERRY: How soft?

KRAMER: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.

JERRY: (looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?

KRAMER: Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.

JERRY: Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?

KRAMER: Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down)

JERRY: Plantains?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: What the hell is a plantain.

KRAMER: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.

JERRY: (grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains.

(Jerry enters Joe's; Kramer is outside looking in through the window)

JERRY: Hey Joe.

JOE: How's it going?

JERRY: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it.

JOE: All right, all right, just hold it right there.

JERRY: What?

JOE: This fruit isn't for you.

JERRY: (shocked) Wha, what are you talking about?

JOE: You think I don't know huh? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!

JERRY: I can't buy mangos and plantains?

JOE: All right, get out!

JERRY: You're making a big mistake, Joe!

JOE: I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either.

JERRY: Are saying you're banning me from the store?

JOE: That's exactly what I'm saying.

JERRY: I'm banned?!

JOE: You're banned.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

(George enters with four huge bags of fruit)

GEORGE: All right, where do you want it?

JERRY: Put it over there.

KRAMER: Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, (smells them) you did good George.

(Kramer leaves the apartment)

GEORGE: All right I gotta get going.

JERRY: What are you doing?

GEORGE: I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.

JERRY: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.

GEORGE: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMER: This mango is delicious!

GEORGE: That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.

JERRY: Sorry, I don't have any cash.

KRAMER: I only got hundreds.

GEORGE: You see... All right I knew it.

KRAMER: Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.

GEORGE: I don't want any mango.

KRAMER: Come on, take some. It's good.

(George tries a piece)

GEORGE: Very good. Juicy.

KRAMER: Ya.

GEORGE: Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.

KRAMER: Mmm.

(George looks a little weird)

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!

KRAMER: Ya I told you.

(George stands still)

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.

(Elaine enters the apartment)

ELAINE: Hi George.

GEORGE: I'm back, baby, I'm back!

(George leaves the apartment)

KRAMER: Want some mango?

ELAINE: Noo, thanks.

(Kramer leaves the apartment)

JERRY: Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here?

ELAINE: Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.

JERRY: Oh and I've got some things of yours here.

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: Well I'll get them.

ELAINE: I'm waiting.

JERRY: All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins?

ELAINE: Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?

JERRY: I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?

ELAINE: They're next to the fins. You got my cards?

JERRY: They're next to the poker chips.

(They switch bags; Elaine checks her bag, Jerry tosses his on the table)

ELAINE: All right and that just about... does it.

JERRY: I guess.

ELAINE: Okay, welp... see you around.

JERRY: Yeah, see you.

(Elaine opens the door gets about half way out; Jerry goes to look inside his bag; Elaine comes back in and slams the door closed)

ELAINE: All right, let's go, I give you half an hour.

JERRY: (shocked) What?

ELAINE: Come on!

JERRY: Are you serious?

ELAINE: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

JERRY: Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to.

[location: Karen's bedroom]

(George and Karen in bed)

KAREN: Mmmm, Oh George, oooh.

GEORGE: Please, it's not necessary.

KAREN: Mmm What's not necessary?

GEORGE: The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?

KAREN: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: What am I talking about? Come on. (laughing) You don't think I bought all that? (does a little move)

KAREN: What, what?

GEORGE: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. Y-You really had me going there for a minute.

KAREN: You think I was faking?

GEORGE: Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.

KAREN: I'd like you to leave.

GEORGE: What?

KAREN: I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.

GEORGE: But why?

KAREN: Because I said so. (pushes George off the bed)

GEORGE: I-I-I can't find my glasses.

KAREN: Well hurry up.

GEORGE: I need to look for my glasses.

KAREN: (seen through George eyes all blurry) Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!

[location: Jerry's bedroom]

(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises indicating how the sex went wrong similarly to George's indications)

JERRY: It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!

ELAINE: You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?

(Jerry looks like he's got an idea)

[Closing Monologue]

The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave, very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. There are two types of female orgasms: the real and the fake. And uh I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'Uh I heard a lot of screeching sounds, uh I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.

The End

S5E2 - The Puffy Shirt

Broadcast date: September 23, 1993

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Wendel Meldrum ................ Leslie

David Brisbin ...................... Client

Bryant Gumbel .................... Himself

Deborah May ...................... Elsa

Michael Mitz ........................ Photographer

Kim Gillingham .................... Assistant

Terence Riggins .................. Stage Manager

Ron Ross ............................. Homeless Man

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There's no way that you could fake this even, 'Ya things doing great, I've got a terrific girl, I got a great girl, making a lot of money, and if everything goes according to plan I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon.' It's like getting busted on a parole violation and getting thrown back into the slammer. 'In the opinion of the board you need further rehabilitation I'm afraid.' And y-you go back into that little room of yours. You feel so huge, it's like you could take your bed and crush it with your hands. You can hold your parents between your fingers (hands like he is holding two parents between his fingers) and going 'Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?'

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house)

GEORGE: I can't believe this.

JERRY: Oh, it won't be for that long.

GEORGE: How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.

JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.

GEORGE: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!

JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!

GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!

JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.

GEORGE: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!'

JERRY: A smirk?

GEORGE: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!

JERRY: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.

GEORGE: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

(Kramer stumbles in)

KRAMER: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents?

GEORGE: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank.

KRAMER: Well, move in here.

JERRY: (Stopping the notion) What's that?

KRAMER: Why doesn't he just move in here?

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet!

KRAMER: You can move in with me, if you want.

GEORGE: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Costanza's house]

(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases)

ESTELLE: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted!

KRAMER: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

JERRY: (quietly) Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

ESTELLE: (not really noticing Jerry said Hello) Hello, Kramer. Close the door.

(They set down George's luggage)

KRAMER: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door)

ESTELLE: More stuff?!

KRAMER: Yeah. (Exits)

ESTELLE: (To George) How much is there?!

GEORGE: (Annoyed) There's more.

ESTELLE: So, how are ya, Jerry?

JERRY: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..

ESTELLE: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.

JERRY: No, no. It-It's really funny. There's these two guys-

ESTELLE: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna sandwiches.

GEORGE: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!

ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! (to Jerry) Have a sandwich.

JERRY: (setting down a box) No thanks.

(Kramer enters with some more suitcases)

ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?

KRAMER: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door)

ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men.

JERRY: I really don't eat it.

ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?

JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..

KRAMER: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?

GEORGE: (Muttering) No, that's it.

(A horn honks from outside the house)

KRAMER: Oh, I gotta go move the car. Alright (Leaves)

JERRY: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)

GEORGE: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Wha - what are you doing later?

JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'

GEORGE: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?

ESTELLE: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father.

GEORGE: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.

JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)

(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's staring off into space)

GEORGE: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A Restaurant]

(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing)

ELAINE: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)

JERRY: Right.

ELIANE: You remember that?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, that was a good one.

JERRY: Well..

(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what she's saying)

ELAINE: What's that?

JERRY: Excuse me?

(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats)

JERRY: Yeah.. yeah.

ELAINE: Yep. Yeah..

KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer.

ELAINE: (Interested) Oh?

KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in men's fashion.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt.

JERRY: Puffy.

KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..

(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer)

KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes)

ELAINE: Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday.

JERRY: Yeah, that's right!

ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless..

JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent.

ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I-I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.

(Leslie starts talking. Jerry sitting back not hearing what she said, just shacks his head; Elaine who can't hear either is leaned in trying hard to listen)

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.

(Leslie talks some more)

JERRY: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: Yep.

JERRY: Yep..

ELAINE: Mmm

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A Restaurant]

ESTELLE: Maybe you should take a civil service test.

GEORGE: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test.

FRANK: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar?

GEORGE: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.

ELAINE: Why don't you want to take a civil service test?

GEORGE: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do?

FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?

ESTELLE: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week..

GEORGE: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?

FRANK: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia.

ESTELLE: So what are you gonna do?!

GEORGE: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!

FRANK: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. (does a form of magic trick making the coin disappear as he shows George an empty hand)

GEORGE: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God..

FRANK: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over.

GEORGE: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air..

ESTELLE: George, where are you going?!

GEORGE: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do.

(Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally runs into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor)

GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things)

WOMAN: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag!

GEORGE: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you..

WOMAN: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up)

GEORGE: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..

(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand)

WOMAN: Hmm..

GEORGE: What?

WOMAN: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands.

GEORGE: What about them?

WOMAN: They're quite exquisite!

GEORGE: They are?

WOMAN: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling?

GEORGE: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')

WOMAN: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off)

(George looks at the card; A shot of the card is shown saying "Specialty Models")

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see)

JERRY: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it.

GEORGE: Me neither!

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: They're hands!

GEORGE: This woman just set me up for a job!

JERRY: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.

GEORGE: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)

JERRY: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

GEORGE: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman..

JERRY: It's just like in the movies.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)

GEORGE: OH!!!! What are you, crazy?! Are you, crazy?!

KRAMER: What?!

GEORGE: You coulda damaged my hand!

KRAMER: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy!

JERRY: (Explaining) George has become a hand model.

KRAMER: A hand model?

JERRY: Yes.

KRAMER: (To George) Really? Let me see your hands.

GEORGE: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out)

KRAMER: Let's see.. (studies them) oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.

GEORGE: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.

JERRY: Oven mitts?

GEORGE: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door?

KRAMER: Yeah..

JERRY: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)

GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Walks out)

(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)

KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores..

JERRY: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what?

KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover)

JERRY: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover)

JERRY: (Goes up to it) This?

KRAMER: Yea.

JERRY: I agreed to wear this?!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.

JERRY: But, when did I do that?

KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night.

JERRY: What are you, crazy?!

KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?

JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!

KRAMER: (makes his pop sound) There you go.

JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!

KRAMER: Yes, yes! You said it!

JERRY: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her!

KRAMER: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.

JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!

KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' em.

JERRY: They're making these?

KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this-this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!

JERRY: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Costanza house]

(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails)

ESTELLE: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?

FRANK: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to?

ESTELLE: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!

FRANK: You never mentioned them to me!

GEORGE: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board.

(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure)

ESTELLE: I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white..

FRANK: No! You never said milky white!

ESTELLE: (Getting angry) I said milky white!

(A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents)

GEORGE: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George with the point facing him) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!

(Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)

ESTELLE: I'm sorry.

GEORGE: You're sorry?!

ESTELLE: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.

GEORGE: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)

(Another moment passes as George primps his hands)

ESTELLE: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work with the scissors) Oh, Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?

FRANK: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?!

ESTELLE: (Yelling) George likes the bananas!

FRANK: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side!

(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough)

GEORGE: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.

ESTELLE: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O?

GEORGE: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A Today Show dressing room]

(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine. There's a knock at the door)

KRAMER: Yeah, come in.

(A Today Show stagehand enters)

STAGEHAND: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes.

KRAMER: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes!

(Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment)

KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Aye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!

JERRY: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I-I can't wear this!

KRAMER: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look!

(A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine)

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit!

KRAMER: Great.

(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically)

ELAINE: (Between laughs) What is that?!

KRAMER: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what?

ELAINE: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?

JERRY: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!

ELAINE: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?

JERRY: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom.

ELAINE: I didn't hear anything.

JERRY: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks!

ELAINE: (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show.

KRAMER: (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop?

ELAINE: (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!

JERRY: (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak!

ELAINE: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier!

(A knock at the door, Jerry answers)

STAGEHAND: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A photographer's studio]

(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall)

MAN: I've never seen hands like these before..

WOMAN: They're so soft and milky white.

PHOTOGRAPHER: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney.

(The woman nods as the man looks off into space)

MAN: Ugh.. Ray.

PHOTOGRAPHER: He was it.

GEORGE: Who was he?

PHOTOGRAPHER: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all.

GEORGE: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him?

(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his question)

MAN: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love..

(Long pause)

GEORGE: You mean, uh..?

MAN: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.

GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..?

MAN: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I uh only hope you have a little more self-control.

GEORGE: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.

(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Ok, let's get to work.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Today Show]

(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there)

BRYANT: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning.

JERRY: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.

BRYANT: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.

JERRY: (Looking down at the shirt; mumbling) Oh, thank you.

(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming with pride)

BRYANT: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles)

JERRY: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.

BRYANT: (Laughing) You look kinda like a pirate.

(Elaine, also standing backstage, closes her eyes - showing her dissatisfaction)

JERRY: (Nervous laughter) Yeah.. like a pirate.. (Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money.. with this.. uh..

BRYANT: (Rudely interrupting, still snickering at the shirt) You.. ah, look, I'm sorry, it is just a VERY unusual shirt. It could be kind of a whole new look for you.. you know, you could put a patch over an eye, you could be kind of like the pirate-comedian.

JERRY: Uh-huh, yeah. (Smiling, nodding, clearly wanting Bryant to shut up)

BRYANT: Are you going to be wearing the shirt at the concert?

JERRY: (Losing it, mad) Look, it's not my shirt.

BRYANT: (Confused) Whose shirt is it?

JERRY: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's - it's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. (Nodding)

LESLIE: (Off camera, shrill, high pitched yelling) You bastard!

BRYANT: (To Jerry) Did you hear that?

JERRY: (Pointing off screen, nodding) THAT I heard.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Photographer's studio]

(George is modeling a watch as the man and woman stand by. The photographer is setting the camera)

PHOTOGRAPHER: (Instructing George) Alright, a little to the left.. Little higher, little higher. Good. Perfect! Perfect.

GEORGE: Like that?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Just like that. Hold it. (Takes picture) Good, ok, let me get just one more, one more. (Takes another picture) Good, that's it. You're done.

GEORGE: That's it?

PHOTOGRAPHER: (Smiling) That's it.

MAN: (Pulling a slip of paper out of his coat pocket) And here's your check. (George accepts) Thank you very much. (Pats him on the back) It was an honor.

WOMAN: It was great working with you. (Somewhat coy) Your hands are beautiful.

GEORGE: (Modest) Oh, thank you very much. (Chuckles)

WOMAN: You know, I was wondering - if you're not doing anything later, maybe you'd like to get together..?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Park]

(George skipping along the city park path, dancing arms all the way up, rejoicing)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Today Show dressing room]

(Jerry, still in the puffy shirt, is getting yelled at by Leslie. Kramer's trying to calm her down, she's hysterical)

LESLIE: You ruined me! You ruined my career!

JERRY: Oh, just keep your voice down. Everyone can hear you.

LESLIE: (Shouting out) Oh, I don't give a damn!

JERRY: (Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place!

(Leslie, deeply let down, finds comfort in Kramer as they go back and sit together on a sofa. George enters, ecstatic)

GEORGE: (Quick, excited talking) Hey, hey! You can't believe this. Look at this check! (Hands it to Jerry) They told me I had the most beautiful hands they'd ever seen in their lives - except for this McKigney guy - this great looking girl gave me her phone number.. I got it! I got it all! I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting!

ELAINE: Hey, I've never noticed your hands before. Let me see.

GEORGE: Alright. (Holds them up)

ELAINE: (Obviously not impressed, dull) Yeah, real nice.

GEORGE: (Turning back to Jerry, he takes the check back. He just now notices the shirt Jerry's wearing, and snickers, pointing) Nice shirt.. (Laughs, Jerry shrugs) What is this? Is this what you wore on the show?

(Leslie is in full attention of what George is saying, quietly steaming)

JERRY: Yeah.

(Kramer notices Leslie's state of mind)

GEORGE: What, have you completely lost your mind?

KRAMER: (Faint, trying to shut George up) Hey..

GEORGE: Who's dressing you? (Laughs) You look like a complete idiot! You know, I wouldn't wipe my- (Unable to take anymore, Leslie gets up and shoves George violently. His hands go straight for the hot iron sitting on the dressing room table. George screams out in agony) AAHHHH!!!!! (his voice is heard outside the building, on the street, and in the park were a bunch of pigeons are scared by the yelling)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A Restaurant]

(George's hands are completely bandaged up. Elaine's stirring a cup of coffee for him)

ELAINE: You ready?

(George nods. She holds the cup up to his mouth, he takes a sip)

GEORGE: Ow! Hot! Hot!

ELAINE: (Sincere) I'm sorry.

GEORGE: (Reflecting on his life gone wrong) This McKigney guy had a few good years.. (To Kramer, bitter) How could you forget to turn off an iron?

KRAMER: Well, I was excited because Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.

GEORGE: My whole life is ruined because of the (Mocking, bitter tone) "puffy shirt".

JERRY: (Pointing out) It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean?! "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" - there's no comeback for that!

ELAINE: (Reflecting) Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.

KRAMER: You know all those stores canceled out on her? She's finished. (Concluding) We're (Leslie and him) finished.

JERRY: Really? What happened?

KRAMER: (Showing pure irony) I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray.

JERRY: What happened with all the shirts?

KRAMER: They gave them all to Goodwill.

(Finished, they all exit the cafe. George is muttering "puffy shirt.. puffy shirt.." as they meet up with two homeless men dressed in the puffy shirts with their hands out - begging for some change. George shows his two bandaged hands, then walks off with Elaine)

HOMELESS MAN: Ahh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

JERRY: (While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt..

(Scene ends)

[Closing Monologue]

Why.. do we always have to say 'excuse ME', when we can't hear what someone is saying? Why are we so guilty and so appol.. 'excuse ME, pardon ME, I'm sorry' Why can't once I go 'Nope not loud enough' Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts, you know to make that judgment, someone mumbles something you go 'Your Fault. I'm not sorry because it's your fault.'

The End

S5E3 - The Glasses

Broadcast date: September 30, 1993

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Timothy Stack ..................... Dwayne

Anna Gunn ......................... Amy

Tom Towles ........................ Tough Guy

Rance Howard ................... Blind Man

Michael Saad ....................... Doctor

Kim Gillingham ................... Assistant

rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're alarm, you're exhausted, groggy, oooh you hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only thing Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)

ELAINE: Do you ever spit on anybody from here?

JERRY: No. You?

ELAINE: No. Do you ever think about it?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Me too.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Well I got it!

JERRY: You got me the air conditioner?

KRAMER: What do you think?

JERRY: Beautiful!

ELAINE: What air conditioner?

KRAMER: Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.

JERRY: Is it a good one?

KRAMER: Good one? It's the Commando 8.

JERRY: Commando 8?

KRAMER: 12,000 BTU's.

ELAINE: I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.

KRAMER: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.

ELAINE: Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on!

(Kramer leaves the apartment)

GEORGE: I gotta get out of this city.

JERRY: So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)

GEORGE: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?

ELAINE: You don't have an old pair?

GEORGE: I broke 'em playing basketball.

JERRY: He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)

GEORGE: Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.

ELAINE: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?

JERRY: There's a lot of change down there.

GEORGE: When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.

JERRY: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!

(Kramer enters the apartment)

GEORGE: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?

ELAINE: Yeah, especially those frames.

KRAMER: You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.

GEORGE: Yeah, come on.

JERRY: Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: Retail is for suckers.

GEORGE: Wow. Uh, what do I have to do?

KRAMER: You just gotta mention my name.

GEORGE: That's it?

KRAMER: That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler)

[J & T Optical]

(George tries on a pair of glasses)

GEORGE: What about these?

ELAINE: They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.

GEORGE: Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.

JERRY: (bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.

(George tries on some black glasses whose frames are OVERLY large)

ELAINE: Now those look good, they're very bold.

(Elaine begs George behind his back to pick a frame)

GEORGE: Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?

JERRY: (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.

(A man with a dog enters the store)

ELAINE: Hi there, little doggy. (to owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?

DOG OWNER: It's okay with me.

ELAINE: Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah!

DWAYNE: Hey, you can't have that dog in here.

(The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)

JERRY: Are you okay? Did he bite ya?

GEORGE: Can you believe that guy?

ELAINE: I'm okay, it's just a nip.

GEORGE: He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man!

(George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again)

ELAINE: My leg looks pretty bad.

JERRY: Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?

GEORGE: Uuh, no, no.

JERRY: All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.

GEORGE: (In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.

JERRY: What's the matter?

GEORGE: Oh, no, nothing.

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I can't tell you.

ELAINE: (pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?

GEORGE: I can't tell you, don't ask.

JERRY: I'm asking!

ELAINE: Jerry, my leg.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?

GEORGE: I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: They were right outside!

JERRY: Amy and Jeffrey?

GEORGE: Yes!

JERRY: Are you sure?

GEORGE: Yes, positive.

JERRY: But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.

GEORGE: I know! I was squinting.

ELAINE: Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.

JERRY: We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!

(Jerry and Elaine leave the store; George tries on another pair of glasses)

GEORGE: (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?

DWAYNE: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.

GEORGE: Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.

DWAYNE: All right, do you have a prescription?

GEORGE: Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer...

DWAYNE: What?

GEORGE: Kramer...

DWAYNE: What about him?

GEORGE: You do know Kramer?

DWAYNE: Yes...

GEORGE: Well, I'm mentioning his name.

DWAYNE: Why?

GEORGE: Because... you know...

DWAYNE: No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.

[Hospital]

(Elaine and Jerry are at the hospital; Elaine's wound is being fixed up by a foreign doctor)

ELAINE: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!

JERRY: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.

ELAINE: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!

JERRY: But he was squinting.

ELAINE: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

JERRY: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!

DOCTER: Okay.

ELAINE: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?

DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite.

ELAINE: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?

DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.

(the doctor exits the hospital room; Jerry and Elaine are shocked)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and Amy watch television)

JERRY: Nah, look at this. Cable's out.

AMY: Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.

JERRY: No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?

AMY: Yesterday?

JERRY: Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out.

AMY: I didn't do anything.

JERRY: (laughing) Oh you must have done something.

AMY: No, nothing really.

JERRY: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?

AMY: Well, I did go out for a little while.

JERRY: Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.

AMY: You can't thrust anyone.

JERRY: No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?

AMY: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Look, my friend saw you.

AMY: Saw me? With who?

JERRY: You tell me.

AMY: There's nothing to tell.

JERRY: There isn't?

AMY: No.

JERRY: Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?

(Amy stands up and walks away)

AMY: I had a feeling this was to good to be true.

JERRY: Why?

AMY: I knew there had to be another side to you.

JERRY: No, no, there's no side!

AMY: There is a side, an ugly side.

JERRY: No, no, no ugly side.

AMY: Look, I think I'm gonna go.

JERRY: Why?

AMY: It's really hot in here.

JERRY: Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?

AMY: Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner?

JERRY: It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: I was an idiot for listening to you!

GEORGE: Hey, I saw what I saw.

JERRY: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.

GEORGE: What side?

JERRY: A bad side, an ugly side.

GEORGE: Ooh, so what?

JERRY: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.

GEORGE: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?

JERRY: Ah, he'd just deny it.

GEORGE: There must be some way to find out.

JERRY: Amy said nothing happened.

GEORGE: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!

JERRY: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!

GEORGE: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.

JERRY: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.

GEORGE: (noticing something) Hey look, a dime.

(George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime)

GEORGE: Heh, Mercury head. You mind?

JERRY: (Stunned:) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.

ELAINE: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.

JERRY: A little white dog?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?

ELAINE: I'm afraid of dogs now.

JERRY: He's like a squirrel.

ELAINE: Well he frightened me.

GEORGE: Did you get the shot?

ELAINE: No. He said I didn't need a shot.

GEORGE: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?

ELAINE: What, you think I should have?

(George indicates 'yes')

JERRY: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.

ELAINE: All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMER: The AC is on it's way.

GEORGE: Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: That's right, no discount!

KRAMER: Well did you mention my name?

GEORGE: Yes, I mentioned your name.

KRAMER: And?

GEORGE: Pbbbs, Bubkis!

KRAMER: Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.

GEORGE: All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.

JERRY: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!

KRAMER: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!

(George takes a bite out of an onion)

ELAINE: You know, George, that's an onion.

GEORGE: Yes it is.

(And he takes another bite)

ELAINE: He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?

GEORGE: I saw them making out, you can believe it.

JERRY: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.

KRAMER: Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.

JERRY: Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.

KRAMER: Right this way, mister Doody!

GEORGE: (crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right.

[J & T Optical]

KRAMER: Hey, Dwayny.

DWAYNE: Oh hello Kramer.

KRAMER: What is going on here?

DWAYNE: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.

ELAINE: Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here...

GEORGE: Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.

DWAYNE: Who said anything about a discount.

KRAMER: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.

DWAYNE: For what?

(Kramer pulls out a candy bar)

KRAMER: Remember this?

DWAYNE: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?

DWAYNE: Put that away!

KRAMER: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!

DWAYNE: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.

ELAINE: Can I just have the name...

DWAYNE: Out!

KRAMER: We'll see you Dwayne.

[Jerry's apartment]

(George shows Jerry his glasses)

JERRY: I don't know what to tell you, Elton.

ELAINE: (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!

JERRY: (To George:) Who picked these out?

GEORGE: I did!

JERRY: They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.

GEORGE: Well Elaine was supposed to help me.

(Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)

ELAINE: Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!

JERRY: Hey, hey.

ELAINE: I'm sorry... sorry.

(Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms)

KRAMER: Commando 8 has arrived!

JERRY: Take it to the window.

KRAMER: 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed!

GEORGE: That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?

KRAMER: No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right?

JERRY: Just in time for Amy.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?

ELAINE: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!

KRAMER: Of what?

JERRY: Rabies.

KRAMER: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!

(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)

ELAINE: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!

JERRY: Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?

ELAINE: I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.

KRAMER: No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?

GEORGE: Madam? What are you calling me madam for?

KRAMER: They're ladies' glasses.

(Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)

KRAMER: Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.

GEORGE: He sold me ladies' glasses!

ELAINE: I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.

KRAMER: She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth!

[Hospital]

ELAINE: Is this gonna hurt?

DOCTER: Yes, very much.

(Elaine gets the shot)

[Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?

JERRY: Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.

ELAINE: Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!

JERRY: He does look like a horse.

ELAINE: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!

DOG OWNER: Hey who are you calling stupid?

JERRY: Hey, shall we spit on him?

ELAINE: No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMER: (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog!

[New York Health Club's locker room]

(George is drying himself)

GEORGE: Ah, Oh boy.

BLIND MAN: Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?

GEORGE: Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy.

BLIND MAN: What guy?

GEORGE: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?

BLIND MAN: Where the hell are we going?

GEORGE: He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.

BLIND MAN: I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.

GEORGE: Is that right?

[J & T Optical]

(George has taken the blind man with him)

GEORGE: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?

DWAYNE: (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that.

GEORGE: And I'd like a discount.

DWAYNE: Why should I give you a discount.

GEORGE: Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames!

BLIND MAN: What's that about ladies' frames?

(The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)

DOG OWNER: I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.

GEORGE: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.

DOG OWNER: Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right?

GEORGE: No, that's Jerry.

DOG OWNER: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?

GEORGE: Yeah, 5A!

DOG OWNER: Thanks a lot!

[in front of Jeffrey's apartment]

AMY: So what are we doing here?

JERRY: Oh, you'll find out.

AMY: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.

JERRY: Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.

AMY: I find it annoying.

JERRY: Oh?

(Uncle Leo opens the door)

UNCLE LEO: Helloooo!

JERRY: Uncle Leo?!

UNCLE LEO: Come on in.

JERRY: This is Amy.

UNCLE LEO: Hello Amy.

JERRY: Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?

UNCLE LEO: Jeffrey went out tonight.

JERRY: Ooh! Very convenient.

UNCLE LEO: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!

JERRY: Oh really?

UNCLE LEO: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions...

JERRY: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?

UNCLE LEO: Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.

JERRY: Thank you.

AMY: What tickets?

JERRY: To the Paul Simon concert in the park!

AMY: We're going to the Paul Simon concert?

JERRY: That's right, lady!

AMY: Oh what a great surprise!

JERRY: I thought you'd like that.

AMY: Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.

JERRY: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.

UNCLE LEO: You know Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard.

AMY: Why is that?

UNCLE LEO: He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.

JERRY: Thank you.

UNCLE LEO: Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em.

JERRY: (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!

AMY: What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?

JERRY: Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.

UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.

JERRY: Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?

[in front of J & T Optical]

(George is walking with the blind man)

GEORGE: Boy, these really do pinch the nose.

(George takes of his glasses)

BLIND MAN: Tough luck! A deal's a deal.

(George looks and see what he thinks is Amy and Jeffrey without his glasses)

GEORGE: Oh my God it is them.

(George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a policewoman kissing a horse; realizing this George's reaction says "I stand corrected")

[New York Health Club locker room]

(George and Jerry after a workout)

JERRY: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.

(While Jerry goes to tie his shoes George nods his head knowing it was him)

GEORGE: Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...

(The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)

[Closing Monologue]

But I wanna know, when did glasses go from being this carefully crafted medical apparatus to just this mall impulse item? 'Honey, I'm going out for a yogurt and a pair of trifocals do you need anything?' It's always glasses in about an hour. How much are they? 75 bucks. Well here's 72 and that's about 75 ok? Oh are you trying to coordinate it with the one hour photo place, is that the idea? 'Oh yea give me the glasses, my pictures are coming out right now I need to see 'em.' A then they have those Woolworth glasses you know. They're there, they're there now. No eye examine you don't have any idea what is wrong with your eyes and the glasses are made up they are ready and waiting so you can just walk in, 'thank you, bye.' And just walk right into a wall. Bang.

In Memory of Our Friend, John Oteri

The End

S5E4 - The Sniffing Accountant

Broadcast date: October 7, 1993

Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

John Kapelos ....................... Barry

Marty Rackham .................. Jake Jarmel

Patrick Cronin .................... Farkus

Christa Miller ...................... Ellen

Ralph Harris Jr. ................... Ralph

Maria Stanton ..................... Woman in Diner

Deck McKenzie ................... Mitch

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Richard Fancy ................ Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

To me government is basically parents or adults... especially the IRS, the IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver, and we're all Wally and the Beaver and your accountant is Eddy Hascal showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff. Which is fine unless you get audited then you don't want some wise guy in a suit just standing there going 'You have a very lovely office here sir.' Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room and when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint, there's really gonna be something wrong with the Beaver.

[Monk's]

(Jerry, George and Elaine at he booth behind the cash register)

JERRY: So, does he like you?

ELAINE: What do you think?

JERRY: You like him?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.

GEORGE: So, what's wrong with him?

ELAINE: Nothing, and I've looked.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

JERRY: So, how did you meet him?

ELAINE: In the office.

JERRY: So, he's a writer.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah, big surprise.

ELAINE: So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.

GEORGE: What are those?

ELAINE: Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.

(Elaine feels George's material)

JERRY: So, what did you do?

ELAINE: I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.

GEORGE: Wow, just felt your material?

ELAINE: Yeah...Jake Jarmel.

GEORGE: Sounds like a cool guy.

JERRY: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.

GEORGE: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?

JERRY: Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.

GEORGE: I think that's what the back of closets are for.

(Elaine looks out the window)

ELAINE: Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)

JERRY: (taps on the window) Hey...

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Who's that?

JERRY: That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.

GEORGE: I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.

ELAINE: Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

(Barry comes in)

JERRY: Hey Barry, how you doing?

BARRY: Hey, how are you?

(Jerry and Barry shake hands)

JERRY: This is my friend George.

BARRY: Hi George. (shakes George's hand)

ELAINE: Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?

BARRY: Nothing really. (sniffs; looks around) You, eh, you eat here?

JERRY: Yeah, so how's my money?

BARRY: Well it's still green. (sniffs twice)

JERRY: What, you got a cold?

BARRY: No, no.

ELAINE: Wow, look at that ring.

BARRY: (showing off the ring to Elaine) Oh, uh you like that? (Elaine not amused gives Barry a polite laugh; Barry sniffs) Say uh, where's the bathroom?

JERRY: Bathroom uh, bathroom's uh right over there.

BARRY: (turns looking in the direction Jerry mentioned) Oh, great.

(Barry goes to bathroom)

JERRY: Did you see that?

ELAINE: See what?

GEORGE: Yes, I saw that.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What was all that sniffing?

ELAINE: I don't know.

JERRY: You don't think...?

ELAINE: Oh, no! Come on Jerry.

GEORGE: He was definitely sniffing.

JERRY: I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy could write checks to himself right out of my account.

ELAINE: No, I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.

JERRY: Then, what was all that sniffing?

ELAINE: Maybe it's the cold weather.

JERRY: Today's not cold.

GEORGE: All right, I gotta get going. My parents are expecting me.

ELAINE: (making fun of George as he leaves) Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

[Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle.]

FRANK: Why do you need all that ketchup for?

GEORGE: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

FRANK: So I, I talked to Phil Casacof today.

ESTELLE: Phil Casacof?

FRANK: Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.

GEORGE: Next Friday, what time?

FRANK: 2 o'clock.

GEORGE: That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.

FRANK: You can look for sneakers the next day!

ESTELLE: He doesn't know anything about bras.

GEORGE: I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?

FRANK: Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? (to Estelle) Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look.

ESTELLE: I am not giving him a bra.

FRANK: Why not?

ESTELLE: Because I don't need him looking at my bra.

FRANK: Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!

GEORGE: Do we have to...?

FRANK: You don't even know what they're made from.

GEORGE: They are made from lycra-spandex.

FRANK: Get out of here! Lycra-spandex?

ESTELLE: I think they are made from lycra-spandex.

FRANK: Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?

ESTELLE: I'm not betting!

FRANK: Take a look.

ESTELLE: All right, I'll get a bra.

(Estelle leaves)

FRANK: (Yelling to Estelle as she leaves)I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?!

GEORGE: She doesn't want to get a bra.

FRANK: I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.

GEORGE: All right, it wouldn't kill me.

FRANK: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the uh cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

GEORGE: Yea I-I know about the cups.

FRANK: You got the A, the B, the C and the D. That's the biggest.

GEORGE: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

ESTELLE: Here, here's the bra.

FRANK: Let me see it.

ESTELLE: (reading the bra) 100% lycra-spandex.

FRANK: Let me see it.

ESTELLE: I told you. Here, think you know everything?

FRANK: Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.

GEORGE: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. (puts the bra on the table)

ESTELLE: You got ketchup on it!

(George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.)

[5A. Jerry and Kramer.]

KRAMER: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?

JERRY: Sniffing, with his nose.

KRAMER: Jerry, he probably had a cold.

JERRY: No, I asked him.

KRAMER: So, what are you saying?

JERRY: I don't know, you know, what if...?

KRAMER: Drugs? You think he's on drugs?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Jerry

JERRY: All I know he was sniffing.

KRAMER: Listen, we went in on a CD together.

JERRY: I know.

KRAMER: And Newman gave you money too. So, I didn't even meet this guy. You know, we trusted you.

JERRY: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.

KRAMER: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?

JERRY: No, he didn't use 'man'.

KRAMER: I mean when he was leaving did he say "I'm splittin'"?

JERRY: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.

KRAMER: Whoh!

JERRY: Do you think that's a bad sign?

KRAMER: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?

JERRY: I don't know. (takes off his sweater) This sweater really itches me. You want it?

KRAMER: (grabbing the sweater) Yeah.

[Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.]

ELAINE: Hello.... hello, oh...

JAKE: Well, you notice anything?

ELAINE: You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. You're perfect, you're a perfect man.

(Jake feels Elaine's coat material.)

JAKE: Ooh...

ELAINE: Did anyone call?

JAKE: You got a few messages, I wrote them down.

ELAINE: Where are they?

JAKE: Lets see, they are (looking for the paper; finds it; hands it to Elaine) here they are.

ELAINE: Thank you. (looking at the messages) Oh ya, heh, I'll call you back. Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called?

JAKE: She did.

ELAINE: She did? Oh, that's so great!

JAKE: Where do you keep the corkscrew?

ELAINE: In the drawer on the right. Hmm...

JAKE: What?

ELAINE: Nah it's nothing.

JAKE: What is it?

ELAINE: It's nothing.

JAKE: Tell me.

ELAINE: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?

JAKE: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.

JAKE: So?

ELAINE: So, it's ya nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.

JAKE: What's so curious about it?

ELAINE: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

JAKE: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

ELAINE: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

JAKE: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

ELAINE: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

JAKE: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

ELAINE: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

JAKE: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

(Elaine laughs as Jake leaves)

[5A. Jerry and Elaine]

JERRY: You're out of your mind you know that.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.

ELAINE: Well, I felt a call for one.

JERRY: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.

ELAINE: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

JERRY: George was right. Didn't take you long.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Anything new with that guy on drugs?

ELAINE: Oh, he's not on drugs.

KRAMER: Then why the sniffing? Who walks around (sniff, sniff) sniffing?

ELAINE: All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.

JERRY: Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)

VOICE ON THE PHONE: Prophet and Goldstein.

JERRY: Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.

VOICE: I'm sorry he's out of town this week.

JERRY: Out of town?

VOICE: Yes, he went to South America.

JERRY: South America?

KRAMER: South America?

JERRY: I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!

KRAMER: Yyyeeaaah!!

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: Who goes to South America?

ELAINE: People go to South America.

JERRY: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.

ELAINE: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

JERRY: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

KRAMER: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!

(Newman enters)

NEWMAN: Hey, hey...

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) So, any news?

KRAMER: Yeah, he skipped out and ptruut went to South America!

NEWMAN: South America?! (to Jerry) What kind of snow blower you get us mixed up with?

ELAINE: Look it, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.

KRAMER: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.

ELAINE: Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...

JERRY: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...

NEWMAN: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.

(Jerry, Kramer and Newman begin thinking)

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry, Kramer and Newman)

KRAMER: What's today?

NEWMAN: It's Thursday.

KRAMER: Really? Feels like Tuesday.

NEWMAN: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....

KRAMER: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

JERRY: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.

NEWMAN: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.

KRAMER: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...

JERRY: Yeah maybe you should.

KRAMER: Maybe I will.

NEWMAN: Yeah, me too.

JERRY: All right, what are you gonna say to him?

KRAMER: Just gonna find out if he's interested.

NEWMAN: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?

JERRY: No, you stay here in the car.

NEWMAN: Who made you the leader?

JERRY: All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!

NEWMAN: Alright.

JERRY: There he is. He's going into that bar.

KRAMER: All right, I'm going in.

JERRY: Be careful Kramer.

(Kramer leaves)

NEWMAN: I shoulda gone in with him.

JERRY: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.

NEWMAN: What you need me in the car for?

JERRY: I might need you to get me a soda.

[Bar]

(Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I'll have a brewsky, Charlie.

BARTENDER: The name's Mitch.

KRAMER: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?

BARRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. (Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head) Cigarette?

BARRY: (sniffs) No, I never touch them.

KRAMER: I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. (Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time. Barry sniffs) Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh fella?

BARRY: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Me neither.

(Kramer puts the cigarette back in his mouth the wrong way)

[Jerry's Car]

(Newman is now in the passenger seat)

JERRY: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.

NEWMAN: I use dental tape.

JERRY: You should try this.

NEWMAN: I don't wanna.

JERRY: Not even once?

NEWMAN: No.

JERRY: You're an idiot.

NEWMAN: Why, because I use dental tape?

JERRY: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

[Bar]

KRAMER: South America?

BARRY: Yeah, yeah.

KRAMER: Well that's a burgeoning continent.

BARRY: Well, they are expanding their economic base.

KRAMER: Tell me about it.

BARRY: (sniffs) Excuse me, I gotta goto the bathroom.

KRAMER: I'm hip.

BARRY: Hip to the what?

KRAMER: To the whole scene. (sniff)

BARRY: What scene?

KRAMER: The bathroom scene. (moves his knows as you would if you sniffed)

BARRY: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.

KRAMER: What ever turns you on.

[Jerry's Car]

(Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.)

NEWMAN: No, no I don't like it.

JERRY: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?

NEWMAN: I like the thick tape.

(Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.)

[Bar]

(Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph)

BARRY: Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?

[George's job interview.]

FARKUS: So, basically George the job here is quite simple. Selling bras.

GEORGE: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.

FARKUS: Have you ever sold a woman's line before?

GEORGE: No, but um I have very good report with women, very good, comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassieres, I was enthralled.

FARKUS: Hum. tell me about it.

GEORGE: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod and I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.

FARKUS: That's an incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.

GEORGE: Well, they're more than an underwear to me Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?

FARKUS: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D. Granmont.

GEORGE: Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed sir.

FARKUS: See you monday 9 o'clock.

GEORGE: If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.

FARKUS: Excellent.

GEORGE: So long, Mr. Farkus.

(George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George feels her blouse material.)

MS. DE GRANMONT: What you're think you're doing?

GEORGE: Oh, nothing...

MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, get out here!

FARKUS: Yes, Ms. De Granmont?

MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, who is this pervert little weasel?

FARKUS: Uh, this is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. (George's offers his hand to shake) He's supposed to start on monday.

MS. DE GRANMONT: If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick.

FARKUS: (to George): Get out! (to Ms. De Granmont) I'm terribly sorry Ms. De Granmont...

[Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.]

ELAINE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?

LIPPMAN: I was just uh going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely on this.

ELAINE: Yes (clears her throat) yes I did.

LIPPMAN: And uh, anyway I was just reading your final edit and um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

ELAINE: Uh well um, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.

LIPPMAN: Ah, (reads an excerpt) "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

ELAINE: Right, well...

LIPPMAN: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?

ELAINE: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...

LIPPMAN: I see, (reads another excerpt) "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?

ELAINE: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then (prrt) nothing comes out...

LIPPMAN: Get rid of the exclamation points...

ELAINE: Ok, ok ok ...

LIPPMAN: I hate exclamation points...

ELAINE: ...ok I'll just....

[5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch.]

JERRY: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'

KRAMER: Exclamation point.

ELAINE: You still have no proof.

KRAMER: Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.

JERRY: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.

KRAMER: Double exclamation point!

NEWMAN: Will that take care of ours too?

JERRY: Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.

NEWMAN: Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.

JERRY: Yeah, thanks.

NEWMAN: It'll be my pleasure.

(Kramer puts the photograph in the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves.)

NEWMAN: See'ya later.

JERRY: You know this...

(Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy)

KRAMER: Hey, Ralph.

JERRY: Hi Ralph.

RALPH: What's up fellas? That'll be 14.30.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah.

(Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.)

KRAMER: What's the matter? You've got a cold?

RALPH: No man (sniffs again) Kramer, what is this?

KRAMER: It's a sweater.

RALPH: What is it made out of?

KRAMER: I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.

JERRY: Mohair, I think.

RALPH: Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.

JERRY: You mean you just started sniffing?

RALPH: Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.

(Ralph leaves)

JERRY: I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.

KRAMER: Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.

ELAINE: The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.

JERRY: Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!

KRAMER: Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

(Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later)

JERRY: The what??

(Kramer looks very confused, and smiles at Jerry)

[Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox.]

NEWMAN: After you.

WOMAN: Thank you.

(Newman feels the woman's coat material.)

WOMAN: Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!

(Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground. Johnny chases after him)

[Costanza's]

FRANK: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?

GEORGE: So what, what is so bad about that?

ESTELLE: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity!

FRANK: What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!!

[Monk's]

(Kramer and Elaine at the booth behind the cash register)

ELAINE: You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

(Jerry enters and tosses a letter on the table)

JERRY: Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

ELAINE: What is this?

JERRY: It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.

ELAINE: He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?

JERRY: Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!

ELAINE: What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.

KRAMER: All right, What about the money?

JERRY: What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!

(Newman enters and goes to the counter.)

NEWMAN: Pair of bear claws, please.

(Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt.)

WOMAN: Nice.

JERRY: Think so?

WOMAN: Yeah, what is it?

JERRY: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?

[Closing Monologue]

My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs and the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting. But actually it makes sense I mean why would an athlete or a musician take drugs? They have an interesting job but an accountant if ever a job required some hallucinogenic support this is the job. That should be the legal defense, you're in court "You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics" "But you're honor, I'm an accountant." "Bang, case closed. Bailiff give this man back his peyote buttons and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you sir, terribly sorry."

The End

S5E5 - The Bris

Broadcast date: October 14, 1993

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Charles Levin ....................... Mohel

Debra Mooney .................... Mrs. Sweedler

Tom Alan Robbins ............... Stan

Jeannie Elias ......................... Myra

John Gegenhuber ................ Resident

Tia Riebling .......................... Woman

Frank Noon ......................... Patient

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

Really at the Hospital, the basic treatment everybody gets, is to lie in a bed. What is wrong with the human being, lie down. Doctor never says to you 'Well your condition isn't as bad as we originally thought we want you to kinda (leans against a door jam) lean against a door jam for seven to ten days. See how that feels' (stops leaning against the door jam) Alright it's always a bed, unless you goto the emergency room then it's a chair. You were shot, you were stabbed, you were run over. Have a seat. There's always a very uh interesting cultural ethnic mix to the hospital staff isn't it? It's like a local news team in there. The doctor is like the anchor man he's got the white hair, he's in charge, the nurse is like the feature reporter you know. You listen to her but it's always 'And now back to your doctor.' And the orderlies come in with the food and the bed pans and that's like your sports and weather.

[INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY]

(Jerry, Elaine and George are visiting with the new parents, Myra and Stan Flick and their baby Steven. Myra discreetly breast feeds the baby. Stand is in the midst of the harrowing birth story, as Jerry and Elaine alternate between boredom and squirming. George, sits by the window, staring out, ignoring the proceeding.)

STAN: ...And then baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, he drops the camera, the camera breaks, and then, the placenta comes flying out.

ELAINE: Whoa.

STAN: And then doctor says...

JERRY: (interrupting) Thanks, that's enough.

(Jerry and Elaine exchange glances, Myra is breast feeding. Jerry winces, he can't watch. he is visibly unsettled.)

STAN: Will you look at that kid. Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Suck, suck, suck...

JERRY: (Looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

STAN: Look at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking...

JERRY: Yeah, I looked. I saw.

STAN: This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?

JERRY: No, Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) My friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?

STAN: Look at him.

JERRY: So how long do they do this?

STAN: Jus, a year or two.

JERRY: No break?

STAN: After that comes the weaning.

JERRY: So after the sucking, comes the weaning.

ELAINE: First the sucking then the weaning.

JERRY: Well, you gotta wean.

STAN: Gotta wean.

ELAINE: Must wean.

(George walks away from the window and taps Jerry on the back)

GEORGE: What about that spot I got?

JERRY: Yeah, I saw the spot.

GEORGE: You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. Eh, You can't beat that spot. (starts doing a little dance) I am on a roll. I'm just willing these great parking spots.

JERRY: George...

GEORGE: Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. Huh, You can still get a great space in this city - if you apply yourself.

JERRY: (to Elaine) Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now.

ELAINE: Did you give him the room number?

JERRY: Ya, 1397.

[INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR]

(Kramer searching for the room)

KRAMER: 1937, 1937, 1937...

(A wandering patient stops him)

PATIENT: Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?

(Kramer looks around)

KRAMER: Uh ya, it's right around the corner there.

(Patient smiles and takes off around the corner. Kramer walks a bit further finds 1937

KRAMER: 1937.

(He enters the room. Two orderlies run down the hallway looking for someone.)

[IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1 KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT, SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.]

KRAMER: Oh! God, It's a Pig man! A pig man!

(Kramer exits the room and runs down the hallway)

[INT HOSPITAL ROOM]

STAN: ..So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we want to ask you.

GEORGE: You gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.

JERRY: Will you shut up George.

ELAINE: I'm taking a cab home. I can't this anymore.

JERRY: You were saying Stan? I-I'm sorry about that.

STAN: Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of Steven.

ELAINE: Huuh, Wow.

JERRY: Me? Godfather?

STAN: Yes.

JERRY: (a la "Don Corleone") Never go against the family, Elaine.

ELAINE: What?

(Kramer Enters)

KRAMER: Hey, I just saw a pig man! A pig man! Ya know he was sleeping and then he woke up and he looked up at me an-and he made this horrible sound, this (Quells like a pig).

GEORGE: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

KRAMER: I'm talking about the pig man. I went into the wrong room and there he was.

GEORGE: A pig-man?

KRAMER: A pig-man. Half pig, half man!

ELAINE: That's great Kramer... So-So, anyway, tell us what's involved in being a Godparent.

JERRY: (a la "Don Corleione") Elaine, never ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."

STAN: The most important thing is you help with the bris.

JERRY: The bris?

KRAMER: A bris? You mean circumcision?

STAN: Ya.

KRAMER: I would advise against that.

ELAINE: Wha, Kramer. It's a tradition.

KRAMER: Ya well, so was uh sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.

JERRY: Well, maybe we should.

GEORGE: (knocks on the window) Hey, why are all those people milling around my car?

KRAMER: I don't know.

JERRY: Maybe they're admiring your spot.

KRAMER: They're all looking up.

GEORGE: Hey, there's a guy up the roof.

KRAMER: Whoa. That's the guy that I told where the elevator was.

GEORGE: Oh well, I hope he doesn't jum...

GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER, JERRY, & STAN: Oh my!

(By everyone's reaction we see he has jumped. Then we heard the thud of the patient on George's Car.)

GEORGE: My car! My caaaaarrrr!

(George races out of the room.)

[INT JERRY'S APARTMENT]

ELAINE: A Mohel! What the hell is a Mohel?

JERRY: A Mohel is the person that performs the circumcision.

ELAINE: Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) Motels, models... How do you find a Mohel?

JERRY: Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have to hold the baby while they do it. That's a tough job. How would you like that?

ELAINE: Hey Jerry, you ever seen one?

JERRY: You mean that wasn't uh.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: No.. you?

ELAINE: Ya.

JERRY: What'd you think?

ELAINE: (shakes her head) No, had no face, no personality. It was like a martian. But hey, you know that's me.

JERRY: Hey.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me.

JERRY: Ah, you're screwed.

GEORGE: I know, swan dives from twenty floors up, lands right on top. What do I got a bulls eye up there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. It's city property.

ELAINE: Well I have to interview a Mohel.

JERRY: How about our little Elaine huh? Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Look at her now. Interviewing Mohels.

(SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASMOF REVELATION.)

KRAMER: YEA!

JERRY: What's the matter?

ELAINE: Are you alright?

KRAMER: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (RE:PAPER) Look at that.

JERRY: What now?

KRAMER: Look look.

JERRY: (Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?

KRAMER: pig-man, baby. pig-man.

ELAINE: If I hear about this pig-man one more time...

KRAMER: Hey, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties.

JERRY: Oh, will you stop it. Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!

KRAMER: Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

GEORGE: I tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"

JERRY: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity is there's always some group of perverts that's attracted to it. "Oo that little tail really turns me on."

(ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.)

ELAINE: (MUMBLES) That's just about enough

JERRY: Oh, what's the matter this doesn't interest you?

ELAINE: Oh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor, could ya tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here. I've gotta go find a Mohel.

KRAMER: You know, you should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.

ELAINE: Well, perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free it will be stopped Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.

(ELAINE LEAVES.)

GEORGE: But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?

KRAMER: It's a myth. Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.

GEORGE: Yeah. So how does that help me?

JERRY: (TO GEORGE) Hey George, you ever see one?

GEORGE: Yeah, my roommate in college.

JERRY: So what'd you think?

GEORGE: (thinks for a second) I got used to it.

[INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY.]

JERRY: Alright, I'm waiting. I-I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man.

KRAMER: Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show you, and you'll never be the same.

JERRY: Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. (holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.

KRAMER: Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished "oink" of pig-man cries out for help.

JERRY: Well, if I hear an anguished "oink", I'm outta here. I-I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second! (Grabs Kramer)

KRAMER: What?!

JERRY: Oh, it's George.

(GEORGE APPROACHES.)

GEORGE: Alright the administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys back at the car.

KRAMER: Wait wait George. You got room in the car for the pig-man huh?

GEORGE: The pig-man can take the bus.

KRAMER: George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.

GEORGE: How do you know? What if pig-man had a two-seater?

KRAMER: Be realistic George.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later.

KRAMER: Yea.

(GEORGE EXITS.)

[INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2 THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.]

MRS. SWEEDLER: Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.

GEORGE: Well, I join them in their grief.

MRS. SWEEDLER: Horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat...

GEORGE: That's where I come in. Umm, on splat. Uh, you see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?

MRS. SWEEDLER: Mrs. Sweedler's fine.

GEORGE: Mrs. Sweedler thank you. Y-You see, this tragedy affected me in a very, very personal way.

MRS. SWEEDLER: How is that?

GEORGE: Yes, well you see, the deceased landed on my car. The uh splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now of course I can't help but feel that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy might have been averted but I've never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and everything.

MRS. SWEEDLER: Well I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.

GEORGE: Yes but then everything is all pulled down and it's jus.. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable.

Mrs. SWEEDLER: (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame.

GEORGE: Yes, a shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can't help but think that, the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other, still living 'victim' of horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

(SHE GLARES)

MRS. SWEEDLER: Mr.Constanza.

GEORGE: Yes.

MRS. SWEEDLER: A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise -

GEORGE: Yes.

MRS. SWEEDLER: ... and you greedily, callously want to profit from it?

GEORGE: (PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..

MRS. SWEEDLER: Get out! Get out, now! Get out of my office.

(GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.)

GEORGE: Should I leave this..?

MRS. SWEEDLER: GET OUT!

(HE EXITS.)

[INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR]

(Kramer walks into the room he believes to be the Pigman's and there isn't anyone in there.)

KRAMER: Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before?

RESIDENT: I don't know what you're talking about.

KRAMER: You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).

RESIDENT: No.

KRAMER: (STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?

RESIDENT: Uh, Sir?

KRAMER: Look, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.

RESIDENT: Yes well if you'll excuse me. I really have some patients I have to attend to.

(HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.)

KRAMER: (TOUGH TALKING) Now listen to me you little quack, There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now where is he?! Where is he?!

RESIDENT: Half-what?

KRAMER: You know what I mean - pork, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks.

RESIDENT: I think he's been released.

(KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY.)

KRAMER: He's lying.

JERRY: Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.

KRAMER: Alright you go ahead.

(KRAMER WALKS OFF.)

JERRY: Kramer.

[The Flicks' Place]

(An assortment of people there to take part in the circumcision)

JERRY: Where's the Mohel?

ELAINE: He'll be here.

JERRY: He's late already.

ELAINE: Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.

JERRY: I don't know why he asked me to be the Godfather. We're not even that close of friends. Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?

ELAINE: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.

JERRY: Well maybe in hardball with all the signals and everything but I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have any conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.

ELAINE: What about me? I mean I just watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.

JERRY: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.

ELAINE: Yes it is level jumping.

(George talking to a Woman)

GEORGE: So uh... been to a bris before?

WOMAN: No.

GEORGE: I've been to a few of em. If you uh start to get woozy later, which is quite common, stay close to me. I'll get you through it. (chuckles)

WOMAN: I'm a cardiologist. I think I'll manage.

(She walks away)

GEORGE: Oh.

(Kramer and Myra; Myra is sobbing)

KRAMER: We're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is going to be his first memory. Of his parents just standing there while some stranger (Does some motions of cutting; Myra sobs more) cutting off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch.

(MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING)

STAN: (Seeing Myra run away sobbing) Myra?

KRAMER Oh, she'll be okay.

(HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER.)

ELAINE: Kramer, what's the matter with you?

KRAMER: Me?

(Doorbell rings interrupting Elaine)

ELAINE: (to everyone) Oh, that's the Mohel.

ALL: (ADLIB) It's the Mohel! the Mohel is here! Thank God, the Mohel is here.

(Elaine opens the door)

ELAINE: Hello.

(Elaine shakes hands with the Mohel as he enters)

MOHEL: (to Elaine) Hello, Hello (shaking hands with Jerry) Hello, I'm the Mohel.

JERRY: Hello.

MOHEL: (cont'd) (shakes Stan's hand) It's very nice to meet you all... (A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.) Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! (THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY) (CALMING DOWN) Ok, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris... (The Baby starts crying) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this will be the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!

(MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INTO THE OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS FOREHEAD.)

ELAINE: Did you find the place alright?

MOHEL: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like a mongrel, like an animal! God forbid anybody should help me or call an ambulance. Oh no, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point.

ELAINE: (setting down her glass) Oh, ya haha.

MOHEL: (TO ELAINE INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do ya? Huh?

(THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING.)

ELAINE: (to Myra) He's very highly recommended. So...

MOHEL: (to George) You're holding the baby?

GEORGE: (getting up out of his chair to get out of the Mohel's way) No, No.

MOHEL: Hello! Who's holding the baby?!? Who's holding the baby?

ELAINE Jerry is.. (TO JERRY) Jerry? You wanna?

JERRY: (uncertain) Yeah. I'm holding the baby.

ELAINE: (pushing Jerry over to the Mohel) Ok, go.

JERRY: I'm going.

ELAINE: Go.

JERRY: I'm going.

ELAINE: C'mon

JERRY: Don't push me.

MOHEL: Okay. you sit here. Now I need the baby. Bring me the baby. I need the baby!

(Myra gets ready to hand the baby to the Mohel; Kramer then grabs the baby)

KRAMER: No, I'm not going to let this happen.

(Shocked by this everyone is yelling at Kramer to give up the baby. Kramer trying to get away gets on the couch and then falls with the baby in his arms. Fortunately Stan is able to gain control of the baby as Kramer falls and hands the baby back to Jerry)

ALL: (numerous voices) Kramer! Let go of the baby! Kramer!

MOHEL: People compose yourselves. (Shouting as the struggle ends) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An sacred, ancient ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something. (The Mohel opens his bag to start the process but drops it and his instruments fall out. People attempt to help him out) No! Don't touch it! Don't touch a thing!

ELAINE: Ok.

MOHEL: (muttering to Jerry).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway.

(The Mohel has the instrument ready to perform the circumcision He twitches and his hand is trembling. Jerry is very nervous and bug-eyed. George faints)

[George's Car]

JERRY: Hurry up George! Step on it!

GEORGE: Alright, alright!

JERRY: That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The Mohel circumcised my finger!

ELAINE: You flinched.

JERRY: Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?

ELAINE: Oh how would he know. He blacked out. He fainted.

GEORGE: It was very traumatic. The last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.

JERRY: Who's got a tissues? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!

GEORGE: Be careful, you're getting blood all over the car.

KRAMER: What about the baby?

JERRY: Oh the baby's fine. They just took him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt.

ELAINE: Would you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches.

JERRY: A few stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!

GEORGE: Hey look a that - boy are you lucky - another great spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky are you huh? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that huh? Come on, give it to me, give it to me.

[Hospital]

(Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer walking down the corridor)

GEORGE: I have never seen a Mohel like that.

JERRY: That was a one in a million Mohel.

ELAINE: I said I'm sorry.

JERRY: Look at this.

KRAMER: Oh you'll be ok. I'll see you later.

(Kramer heads off down the other corridor)

GEORGE: Wha, where is he going?

(ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.)

GEORGE (con'td) I'm gonna look for a bathroom.

(George heads off back where the Four started. Elaine and Jerry continue down the corridor and find the Mohel)

JERRY: Oh well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! Nice job on the circumcision but it's not supposed to be a finger.

MOHEL: (RE:JERRY) The circumcision was perfect. The finger was your fault! You flinched!

JERRY: Oh who made you a Mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?

MOHEL: (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) Ya See! He flinched again!

JERRY: Nice Mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva Mohel!

MOHEL: One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.

JERRY: Oh don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.

MOHEL: Butcher Boy?!

JERRY: Ya what was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING)

MOHEL: What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)

(JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.)

MOHEL (cont;d) It was your fault!

JERRY: It was not!

ELAINE: Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!

(The Flicks enter; Elaine tries to break up the struggle)

STAN: (holding the Mohel back) Hey, hey what's going on out here? You two should be ashamed of yourselves, both of ya!

MOHEL: Ah, blood.

ELAINE: Oh, how's the baby?

STAN: There's nothing wrong with the baby.

MYRA: The circumcision went fine.

MOHEL: Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.

STAN: Amen.

(THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS.)

MOHEL: I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No one! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.

(The Mohel Exits; George is seen coming down the corridor;)

KRAMER: (off screen) Outta My Way!

(All watch as Kramer comes dashing down the corridor, He is carrying the pigman on his back. "Oinking" is heard as Kramer runs by; George signals to Jerry, Elaine, Myra and Stan with his finger holding up his nose and pointing the direction Kramer went)

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT]

JERRY: (struggling to open a bottle with his bandaged finger) I can't do it. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy.

ELAINE: You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: (walking over the the buzzer to answer it) Oh, that's the Flicks.

GEORGE: (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. They stole it right in front of the hospital. I saw the guy drive off in it. Well he's about five feet tall, hairless, pink complexion.. (Elaine puts her finger on her nose) looks like a pig. Yeah, alright alright, thank you, thank you. (Kramer enters) So any word from the "pig-man"?

KRAMER: No.

GEORGE: No. And he's not a pig-man is he?

KRAMER: NO, he's not.. Just a fat little mental patient.

(THE FLICKS ENTER)

JERRY: Myra, Stan.

(ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY.)

MYRA: Don't touch him

JERRY: What's the matter?

STAN: You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine. You're both out.

ELAINE: But I didn't do anything.

STAN: No, no buts. We made up our minds. (turns to Kramer) We want Kramer. He showed us how much he cares about Steven.

(Godfather Theme begins to play; The Flicks head to Kramer's apartment)

KRAMER: (Leaving: A LA GODFATHER) Don't ever go against the family Jerry.

(Kramer joins the Flicks in his Apartment)

STAN: (grabbing Kramer's hand) Godfather.

MYRA: (grabbing Kramer's other hand) Godfather.

KRAMER: Yes

(Stan Closes the door; Jerry, George and Elaine look on in shock)

[Closing Monologue]

To me what's really amazing is that for every job that there is in the world, there's someone willing to do it. Someone goes 'Yes, I will stand in the tunnel breathing exhaust fumes watching the cars go by making sure every thing's okay.' Someone goes 'Yes, I will work behind the elephant with the big shovel, I will do it.' Doctors go 'Yes I will confine myself to one particularly objectionable part of the human body all day every day. I will do it.' I think a lot of people that are unemployed are not really able to find work, they're just easily disgusted. 'Yes I'm starving and my family no clothing or shelter but I'm not cleaning that up.'

*Note: During this closing monologue; Jerry's finger is bandaged the same way it was during this episode.

The End

S5E6 - The Lip Reader

Broadcast date: October 28, 1993

Written by Carol Leifer

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Christopher Darga .............. Driver

Linda Kash .......................... Gwen

Jerry Sroka ......................... Todd

Marlee Matlin ...................... Laura

Veralyn Jones ...................... Renee

Dylan Haggerty .................. Young Man

Bret Anthony ..................... Teen

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh."

[In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting the ball back and forth.]

JERRY: Are these seats unbelievable or what?

GEORGE: Where's the sunblock?

JERRY: Here.

GEORGE: 25? You don't have anything higher?

JERRY: What, are you on Mercury?

GEORGE: I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.

JERRY: You got a problem with paba?

GEORGE: Yes, I have a problem with paba.

JERRY: You don't even know what paba is.

GEORGE: I know enough to stay away from it.

ANNOUNCER: 30-Love

GEORGE: So are you going to Todd's party this weekend?

JERRY: I'll go if someone else drives. You going?

GEORGE: Gwen really wants to go.

JERRY: You're bringing a date to a party?

GEORGE: No good?

JERRY: A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho.

GEORGE: Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to?

JERRY: Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy.

GEORGE: Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated.

JERRY: That woman is absolutely stunning.

GEORGE: Who, the Croat? [the tennis player]

JERRY: Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's a B.L.

JERRY: B.L.?

GEORGE: Beautiful lineswoman. Alright listen uh I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anything? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry?

[At Elaine's office.]

COWORKER: You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out.

ELAINE: (annoyed) Uh, you are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting?

COWORKER: Take a car service. We have an account.

ELAINE: Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will not stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage.

COWORKER: Well you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down.

ELAINE: Yea, I guess that could work.

[At the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae. ]

[At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV.]

ANNOUNCER: And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Coming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop.

KRAMER: Hey, hey, it's George.

(George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around his mouth.)

ANNOUNCER: Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court.

ANNOUNCER #2: Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more action...

[Elaine in the Service Car]

DRIVER: Dag Gavershole Plaza huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss?

ELAINE: Pardon me?

DRIVER: Books, that's what you do?

ELAINE: Yeah.

DRIVER: Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, not me. You know what I do?

ELAINE: You know I-I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So...

DRIVER: (Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey uh do you make a book of Jumbles?

ELAINE: I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf.

DRIVER: Going deaf?

ELAINE: What?

DRIVER: Oh I-I-I'm sorry.

ELAINE: It can be very frustrating.

DRIVER: Hey what about a hearing aid?

ELAINE: Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life.

DRIVER: No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased)

[At the tennis court.]

(George returns to his seat next to Jerry)

JERRY: I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. The woman is absolutely mesmerizing.

GEORGE: Boy you are really smitten.

JERRY: I gotta talk to her. What do you think?

GEORGE: Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys.

JERRY: I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals.

GEORGE: They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side.

JERRY: I have to. I won't be able to live with myself.

GEORGE: Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you.

JERRY: I can't.

GEORGE: What are you going to say?

JERRY: I don't know, "Hi".

GEORGE: (laughing) You think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it.

[Elaine in the car service car.]

RADIO: Base to 92 come in

DRIVER: Yes this is 92

RADIO: After this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup

DRIVER: Righteo

RADIO: 794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.

ELAINE: Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.

DRIVER: So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh?

ELAINE: (realizing he caught her) Yeah. Yes it does...

DRIVER: Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up.

ELAINE: No no, no no.

DRIVER: Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior.

[At the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman]

JERRY: Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Yea nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?

LAURA: Bingo.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: And you're saying she's deaf.

JERRY: I'm not saying she's deaf, she's deaf.

KRAMER: Can't hear a thing.

JERRY: Can't hear a thing.

KRAMER: And you're going to go out with her.

JERRY: Yeah, isn't that something?

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY & KRAMER: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey I know how to sign.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while.

ELAINE: What is this about?

JERRY: I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.

ELAINE: You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.

JERRY: Wow good plan.

ELAINE: Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. Alright it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person.

JERRY & KRAMER: No.

ELAINE: No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.

JERRY: That's nice.

ELAINE: Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.

JERRY: (turning to Kramer) That's nice for the freaks.

(Kramer gives Elaine a thumbs up)

ELAINE: Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do?

JERRY: Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket agency.

KRAMER: Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something.

ELAINE: Really?

KRAMER: Like a rock concert. Whatever you like.

ELAINE: Oh great, thanks Kramer.

KRAMER: You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.

JERRY: Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.

ELAINE: Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man.

KRAMER: Well there ought to be ball men.

JERRY: All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. (Elaine drinks straight out of the orange juice container) Hey.

ELAINE: Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream. Elaine and Jerry laugh)

[At Monk's.]

GWEN: I'm sorry George.

GEORGE: I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.

GWEN: It's not you, it's me.

GEORGE: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.

GWEN: All right, George, it's you.

GEORGE: You're damn right it's me.

GWEN: I was just trying to...

GEORGE: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.

GWEN: I'm sure you do it very well.

GEORGE: Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.

(George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound right.)

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: But I thought things were going great.

GEORGE: Yeah so did I.

JERRY: Did she say why?

GEORGE: No. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine.

JERRY: But that's your routine.

GEORGE: Yeah. Well aparently word's out.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, Georgie, I saw you on TV yesterday.

GEORGE: Really? At the tennis match?

KRAMER: Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.

GEORGE: Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there.

KRAMER: Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you.

GEORGE: Cracks? What were they saying?

KRAMER: That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked.

GEORGE: Oh my god, maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it.

KRAMER: Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight.

GEORGE: She must have seen me eating it on TV.

JERRY: So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial?

GEORGE: Why not. I would be.

(The phone rings.)

JERRY: Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye.

GEORGE: You're parents saw me on TV?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on?

KRAMER: It felt like 8 seconds.

GEORGE: One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: I heard you really inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it?

GEORGE: Can we move on?

JERRY: He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV.

ELAINE: Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her.

GEORGE: Yes I do.

ELAINE: So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday.

GEORGE: Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there.

KRAMER: Well she should be the one that shouldn't go.

JERRY: Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette?

KRAMER: Excellent question.

JERRY: I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life.

ELAINE: I beg to differ.

JERRY: Really.

ELAINE: He's the loser. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.

JERRY: Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night.

ELAINE: Well we can take the car service from my office.

JERRY: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah, they don't know.

KRAMER: All right, I'll see you later.

JERRY: Okay.

(Elaine heads to the bathroom)

KRAMER: (while eating a banana) Hey Georgie.

(Kramer exits)

GEORGE: "To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight?

JERRY: Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.

GEORGE: Oh. (he stands there)

JERRY: Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing?

GEORGE: Well I was just going to wander the streets. Don't wanna tag along with you or anything.

JERRY: Oh, uh, do you want to come with us?

GEORGE: Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going?

[At a Chinese restaurant.]

GEORGE: So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship.

LAURA: They never have napkins there.

JERRY: Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this uh considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check?

LAURA: (does the same thing Jerry is doing) Yea.

JERRY: Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign.

LAURA: Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up.

GEORGE: They're breaking up? How do you know?

JERRY: She reads lips.

GEORGE: What are they saying now?

LAURA: "It's not you, it's me."

GEORGE: (Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.

JERRY: (Puts his hand over his mouth) What?

GEORGE: (Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.

JERRY: (Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.

GEORGE: (Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.

JERRY: (Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.

GEORGE: (Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.

JERRY: (Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right.

JERRY: Uh Laura, George was wondering if...

LAURA: Sure. I'll do it.

[After the restaurant. Jerry and Laura in Jerry's car outside Laura's place.]

JERRY: So I really had a good time.

LAURA: Yeah, me too.

JERRY: So you want to go to the party on Friday night?

LAURA: Yeah.

JERRY: All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What?

[At the tennis court.]

MAN: Okay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck.

BOY: (to Kramer) Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?

KRAMER: I may be old, but I'm spry.

BOY: The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it?

KRAMER: Oh I'll be up for it punk.

(Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy footwork.)

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: See I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though.

GEORGE: She confused "six" with "sex"?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room?

JERRY: Well "six" and "sex" are close.

GEORGE: It's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh".

JERRY: Eh.

GEORGE: It seems like a problem.

JERRY: Well I'm not dating any other deaf women.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals.

JERRY: You're kidding.

KRAMER: Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto.

GEORGE: Oh, when is that car service coming?

JERRY: In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there.

GEORGE: If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.

JERRY: I know. It's like X-ray vision.

GEORGE: If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.

(Newman enters.)

NEWMAN: Hey, hey, hey. (to Jerry) I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.

JERRY: Can't do it Newman.

NEWMAN: But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.

JERRY: It's not going to happen.

NEWMAN: (Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.

[In the car service car.]

JERRY: Uh just pull over right there by the stop sign.

DRIVER: (The same driver as before) Pardon me sir?

JERRY: I said pull over by the stop sign.

DRIVER: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something.

KRAMER: -ca.

DRIVER: Huh?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: ca.

GEORGE: ah.

DRIVER: My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke.

(Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets angry. A moment later, the group gets out of the car.)

DRIVER: Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door.

(Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires.)

[At the party.]

JERRY: You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.

(Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch.)

JERRY: I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man.

LAURA: Congratulations.

(Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his hand.)

KRAMER: She doesn't know what she's talking about.

TODD: Guys you made it.

GEORGE: Hey hey.

TODD: (to George) Hey buddy.

JERRY: Hey Todd.

TODD: Sorry to hear about Gwen.

GEORGE: Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me?

TODD: Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her.

GEORGE: Really?

TODD: Look George, I'm friends with both of you. But I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything.

GEORGE: I wouldn't hear of it, Todd. It's none of my business. But you should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room just so there's no chance of me overhearing anything.

TODD: You are so centered.

GEORGE: Hey, grown-up. (they both chuckle, George notices Gwen enter the room) Oh my god, there she is. Go ahead, go ahead. (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying?

(Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates.)

KRAMER: "Hi Gwen, hi tide."

JERRY: Hi tide?

KRAMER: Hi Todd.

KRAMER: "You've got something between your teeth"

GEORGE: Wheret?

KRAMER: No that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I.

ELAINE: She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?

JERRY: No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody.

GWEN: I don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess.

TODD: Well maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.

KRAMER: "Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together."

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: "You want me to sleep with you?"

TODD: I don't want to sweep alone.

KRAMER: He says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to."

GEORGE: Alright that's it. (George walks across the room over to them.) So you get rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?

GWEN: What? You're crazy.

KRAMER: "What? You're crazy."

GEORGE: I heard your whole conversation.

GWEN: How?

KRAMER: "How?"

GEORGE: (looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together.

GWEN: No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up.

KRAMER: "... with a broom, cleaning up."

GEORGE: Sweep?

GWEN: Yes sweep.

KRAMER: "Yes sweep."

GEORGE: Cut it.

KRAMER: George says "Cut it."

GEORGE: Cut it.

KRAMER: George is saying "Cut it."

GEORGE: Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing?

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together."

(Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer.)

KRAMER: I know how to sign.

(Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language. They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face.)

GEORGE: Ow. My eye, my eye.

[At the tennis court.]

ELAINE: It's so amazing getting to see Monica Seles playing in the finals.

JERRY: I know and on the first tournament of her comeback.

(Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain.)

JERRY: Thus ends the great ball man experiment.

[Laura gets into the car service car.]

DRIVER: (The same driver as before) You with the tennis center?

LAURA: Yep.

DRIVER: Hey how about that ball man injuring Monica Seles. Wasn't that something.

LAURA: I'm deaf.

DRIVER: Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know (does the motion for the check) Check, Check. Unless the waiter isn't too shape then you gotta total it up. Sometimes they come over, "Do you want the check?" No I wanna be pen pals, can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people.

The End

S5E7 - The Non-Fat Yogurt

Broadcast date: November 4, 1993

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Maryedith Burrell ............... Maryedith

Peter Keleghan .................... Lloyd

John Christian Graas ..........  Matthew

Hugh A. Rose ..................... Doctor

Lisa Houle ........................... Cheryl

Jed Mills ............................... Joel

John Gabriel ........................ Newscaster

Darrell Kunitomi .................. Lab Technician

Rudy Giuliani ....................... Himself (uncredited)

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I had glasses when I was ten years old and anybody beat that? Did anyone get them younger than that? (Hears someone say an age, turns) Seven? Two? Anybody born with glasses? Actually come out of the birth canal and go (does the motion like he just took off some glasses) 'that was a hell of a delivery, I'll tell ya that. (pauses) Can I clean these? (motions like he is handing glasses to someone) Does anybody have one of those little clothes? I jus...I was just born they...they're a little smudgy.

[Yogurt Shop]

(Elaine, George, and Jerry are sitting at a table eating Yogurt out of a cup)

ELAINE: Hmm!

GEORGE: Fantastic!

JERRY: I told ya. How good is this?

GEORGE: Good.

JERRY: How good?

GEORGE: Very good.

JERRY: I know it.

ELAINE: They put real blue berries in this. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?

JERRY: Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and put it in.

ELAINE: Let me test-taste that. (tastes Jerry's yogurt)

JERRY: Huh? Huh?

ELAINE: Hmm! Rico!

JERRY: Suave! And it's non-fat!

GEORGE: Ya-see, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.

ELAINE: (offering her yogurt to George) You want to taste mine?

GEORGE: (offers his) Oh, you want to taste mine.

ELAINE: No, I don't.

GEORGE: Lo..k, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.

ELAINE: All right, let's just forget it.

JERRY: You know, Kramer's gonna clean up on this place.

GEORGE: What do you mean?

JERRY: He invested in it.

GEORGE: No kidding?

JERRY: Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fuck(bleeped)ing good.

(Maryedith and Matthew walk by)

MARYEDITH: Jerry!

JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry.

ELAINE: All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay?

GEORGE: Oh, god. Look who's here.

JERRY: Who is it?

GEORGE: This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.

JERRY: Oh, oh.?

LLOYD: Hey, George!

GEORGE: Hey-hay! Lloyd! Hey! My friend Jerry eh.

LLOYD: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

LLOYD: So, I hear you're living back home now, is it?

GEORGE: Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.

LLOYD: Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? (George nudges Jerry with his right arm) Something wrong with your arm?

GEORGE: Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I-I bumped my elbow on a desk and uh injured something an.. now it sort of moves involuntarily.

LLOYD: Wow, that's a bitch, huh? So, how are your parents doing?

GEORGE: Oh, pretty good.

LLOYD: This place does some business, huh?

GEORGE: Yeah, this is my first time here. (nudges Jerry again)

LLOYD: Hey, she's a doll. (looking at Elaine)

ELAINE: Hi!

GEORGE: Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.

ELAINE: Hi!

LLOYD: Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.

(Elaine and Lloyd shack hands)

ELAINE: Nice to meet you, too!

LLOYD: Well, I'm really sorry I gotta run now. (sets down his cup of yogurt and makes his way out) Well, take it easy, huh, George?

GEORGE: Yeah! Yeah.

(Jerry, George and Elaine head toward the door to leave)

ELAINE: (excited about Lloyd) Aaah. Boy, he is really cute!

GEORGE: He's a jerk. (nudges to his right but no one is there)

JERRY: He's gone, George.

GEORGE: All right. All right.

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: So, there were a lot of people there, huh?

JERRY: Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: They're doing an incredible business.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.

JERRY: How did you know?

KRAMER: Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: (answering the buzzer) Yeah?

ELAINE: (on the buzzer) Buzz me.

JERRY: Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.

KRAMER: Yeah, but did you tape it?

JERRY: (pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?

KRAMER: Yes!

JERRY: I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey!

(Elaine has her thumb in her mouth pushing her teeth)

JERRY: What's the matter?

ELAINE: Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.

JERRY: Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.

(Kramer looks at Elaine)

KRAMER: (sort of falling backwords) Yowm!

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Well, you're getting heavy.

ELAINE: (quietly) What?

KRAMER: Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds.

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.

JERRY: Me?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.

JERRY: I've gained eight.

KRAMER: I told ya.

ELAINE: Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?

JERRY: How did I gain eight?

ELAINE: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.

JERRY: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.

KRAMER: No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat.

JERRY: Well, how else could this have happened?

KRAMER: Well, maybe it's the Oreos.

ELAINE: I don't eat Oreos.

KRAMER: You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them.

JERRY: What about me?

KRAMER: You? You're getting old.

JERRY: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.

KRAMER: Oh, guess again, Tubby!

ELAINE: Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.

JERRY: There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.

ELAINE: AH! I've got it.

KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.

(Grabs Jerry, feels him noticing the eight pounds)

KRAMER: Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.

JERRY: Well, let's start the insanity.

KRAMER: NNNN-Giddy-up!

[Costanza House]

(Frank is in his chair, George is laying on the couch, Estelle is cleaning some items)

FRANK: Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. (hits George on the head with what seems to be the tvguide) You ever see Tommy Tune dance?

GEORGE: No.

ESTELLE: I like tap dancing.

FRANK: Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.

ESTELLE: Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.

GEORGE: What's for supper?

(door bell)

ESTELLE: Somebody's at the door.

(Estelle walks over to answer the door)

FRANK: Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

ESTELLE: (answers the door) Lloyd?

LLOYD: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

ESTELLE: Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.

(George slouches down on the couch in hopes to hide himself)

FRANK: Hey! Lloyd!

ESTELLE: What are you doing here?

(Frank and Lloyd shake)

LLOYD: Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".

ESTELLE: Georgie. Come here and say hello.

FRANK: How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now.

LLOYD: That's right. Hey, George.

GEORGE: Hey, Lloyd. (Shakes hands with Lloyd) How's it going? (chuckles)

LLOYD: I uh ran into George yesterday in the city.

(George nudges Estelle)

ESTELLE: Ow! (hits George on the forehead) What's the matter with you?

LLOYD: So, uh, how's the arm, huh?

GEORGE: Oh, it's good.

ESTELLE: What's the matter with your arm?

GEORGE: Nothing.

LLOYD: Oh, his arm moves like this. (does the nudging motion)

FRANK: Your arm moves like this? (does the nudging motion)

GEORGE: Yeah.

FRANK: (continues to move his arm) I never seen your arm move like this.

ESTELLE: Me, either.

GEORGE: Well, it comes and goes.

FRANK: It's like some kind of aaaaa (snapping his fingers) spasm.

LLOYD: Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. (hands George the Doctor's card) So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.

ESTELLE: Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?

FRANK: You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York?

ESTELLE: Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.

(George with his hands on his face acting like he is soo excited the Mayor was discussing him)

GEORGE: You know, Lloyd, I-I've been to the doctor (hands George the card) there's really nothing they can do.

FRANK: (grabbing the card) Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?

GEORGE: All right. All right! I'll go.

LLOYD: Well, that's great. (grabs the card back from Frank and hands it to George again) And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine is on the phone)

ELAINE: Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. (hangs up the phone) Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.

JERRY: And they said they can do it?

ELAINE: Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.

JERRY: All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen.

ELAINE: Hm-hmm.

(knock on the door; Jerry answers)

MARYEDITH: Well, I hope you're satisfied.

JERRY: What?

MARYEDITH: Every word out of my son's mouth now is beep(fuck), beep(fuck), beep(fuck). (Jerry half turns and puts his head done for a second) You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my beep(fuck)ing cupcake?

JERRY: Gee, I'm really sorry.

MARYEDITH: He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?

JERRY: I'd be happy to.

MARYEDITH: Thank you.

JERRY: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?

MARYEDITH: No beep(fuck)ing way!

(Jerry and Elaine look at each other)

[Back to the Costanza House]

LLOYD: Well, it was very nice seeing you again.

ESTELLE: Oh, it was good seeing you.

LLOYD: Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?

GEORGE: Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.

ESTELLE: You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?

LLOYD: She is. She is. How about giving me her number?

GEORGE: Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.

ESTELLE: She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benes.

LLOYD: Oh, great. (nudges George on the chin) Thanks a lot!

GEORGE: Yeah!

LLOYD: Buh bye.

ESTELLE: Bye! (Lloyd leaves) Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?

[Yogurt Shop]

(Newman is seen sitting with a bunch of his coworkers)

NEWMAN: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line!

(Newman laughing with a bunch of postal employees; Jerry and Elaine walk by him)

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!

OWNER: Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?

JERRY: It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.

ELAINE: I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?

OWNER: That's right.

ELAINE: 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.

OWNER: Yeah, well, there is no fat.

NEWMAN: Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer on the way to the lab]

ELAINE: Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!

JERRY: How's it doing?

ELAINE: Not so good.

KRAMER: Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.

JERRY: So what.

KRAMER: It changes the molecules.

JERRY: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.

KRAMER: Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.

JERRY: You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back.

[The Lab]

ELAINE: Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.

LAB TECHNICIAN: Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?

ELAINE: Uh, does it matter if it's melted?

LAB TECHNICIAN: No! (Jerry looks at Kramer) You know, this is going to take a couple of days.

(Kramer notices a female lab tech and goes over to her)

ELAINE: That's okay.

KRAMER: Hello, there.

CHERYL: Hello!

KRAMER: Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!

JERRY: What do you got there?

LAB TECHNICIAN: Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.

JERRY: Oh.

ELAINE: Okay, I'm done.

CHERYL: It was really nice meeting you.

KRAMER: Well, the pleasure's all mine.

[Jerry's Car]

JERRY: You can't take that chemist out.

KRAMER: Why not?

JERRY: Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.

KRAMER: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.

JERRY: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.

ELAINE: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.

JERRY: That's enough.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: With the smelling.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is pouring Cherrios into a scale]

GEORGE: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.

JERRY: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? (moves his arm) He's gonna think you're a mental patient.

GEORGE: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. (moving his arm) My whole life is a lie.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

GEORGE: Hey

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: So, guess who called me.

GEORGE: Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?

ELAINE: We're going out tomorrow night.

GEORGE: Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.

ELAINE: I can't say that.

GEORGE: Why not?

ELAINE: What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?

GEORGE: So, you're taking his side?

ELAINE: No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.

GEORGE: Already you're marrying this guy?

ELAINE: You never know.

GEORGE: All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.

ELAINE: All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (moving her arm) Even you can't keep that up.

JERRY: No, I believe he can.

(knock at the door; Jerry answers it)

MARYEDITH: Hi!

JERRY: Hi!

MARYEDITH: You know Jerry.

MATTHEW: Of course, he's the funny beep(fuck).

(Elaine and George peer out from the refrigerator.

MARYEDITH: See!

JERRY: Listen, Matthew, I-I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.

(Elaine and George turn and look at Jerry from behind the counter)

MATTHEW: You did it.

JERRY: That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. (phone rings) Excuse me one second.

(Jerry looks toward Elaine and George who give him the 'Yea sure" look)

ELAINE: You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.

ELAINE: He tells him which soap to use.

(Matthew is seen pulling the tape out of Jerry's recording of his new material mentioned earlier in the show; Jerry sitting by the window on the phone sees this)

JERRY: (quickly moves over toward Matthew) What the beep(fuck) are you doing? You little piece of beep(shit)!

(Elaine and George are shocked; George throws stuff into the air and Elaine pulls a large amount of paper towels off a roll)

(The Lab)

CHERYL: Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.

KRAMER: Where's the lights. Whoa!

CHERYL: How about this?

(Cheryl lights a bunsen burner)

KRAMER: Yeah! Bunsen burner. (runs his fingers through the flame) oo ya ya.

CHERYL: Oo.

KRAMER: Yaow.

CHERYL: Ha hea.

KRAMER: You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.

CHERYL: It's delicious.

KRAMER: I hear you.

CHERYL: Non-fat?

KRAMER: Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?

CHERYL: No.

KRAMER: Well, this is in case there's a tie!

(Kramer kisses Cheryl; Cheryl kicks the lab chair toward a table which holds the yogurt specimen in a test tube which is right above the Giuliani blood. The yogurt test tube is then poured into the Guiliani blood.

[Yogurt Shop]

ELAINE: Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this in(pauses)voluntarily movement. Some sort of a (clears her throat) spasm. So, anyway, you're a..you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?

LLOYD: Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.

ELAINE: Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.

LLOYD: Name tags, hmm?

ELAINE: Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.

LLOYD: Maybe I'll mention that to him.

ELAINE: Really? Wow.

LLOYD: You sure you don't want any yogurt?

ELAINE: No, I'm watching my weight.

LLOYD: Well, it's non-fat.

ELAINE: Yeah, so they say.

LLOYD: Well I'm done, should we go?

ELAINE: Yeah. Okay.

(They walk out and when Lloyd grabs Elaine he notices she is a little bit pudgy)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine has her head down on the counter, Jerry is measuring some more food)

ELAINE: Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.

JERRY: (surprised) He said that?

ELAINE: (stands up straight) No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!"

(Kramer enters whistling)

KRAMER: Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?

JERRY: No, but I expect to hear anytime.

KRAMER: Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

JERRY: Why do you say that?

KRAMER: No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?

ELAINE: No. What about him?

KRAMER: You didn't hear?

ELAINE: Un-huh.

KRAMER: He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.

(Elaine is silently full of joy)

JERRY: Name tags?

KRAMER: Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another.

JERRY: Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"

KRAMER: He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. (laughing) Name tags!

(Phone rings)

JERRY: (on the phone) Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Ya. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Kramer looks at Jerry with his arms out) Fat!

KRAMER: Yeow!

[Doctor's Office]

(George is in the office with the doctor)

GEORGE: The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. (moves his arm slowly) I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, (arm moves) oh.

DOCTOR: Uh huh. Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.

GEORGE: Please, doctor.

DOCTOR: I've examined you.

GEORGE: Yes.

DOCTOR: I've looked at your X-rays.

GEORGE: Uh-huh.

DOCTOR: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

GEORGE: Hmm. Really? Nothing?

DOCTOR: Nothing, that would indicate involuntary spasms.

GEORGE: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

DOCTOR: No, not really.

GEORGE: How so?

DOCTOR: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

GEORGE: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?

DOCTOR: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.

GEORGE: Now, see here, doctor.

DOCTOR: I said, good-bye.

GEORGE: Fine. (hits his arm on the desk) Ow!

[Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE: Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.

JERRY: Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, (looking at the TV) Kramer, turn that up.

KRAMER: Huh, Okay.

NEWS: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today, when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.

GIULIANI: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.

JERRY: Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.

ELAINE: (pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done.

JERRY: Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

[Costanza House]

(Frank is sitting on his chair; Estelle is on the couch; George is standing in between them)

GEORGE: Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that.

FRANK: I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" (George's arm moves and hits the lamp) Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away.

GEORGE: I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. An (worriedly rubbing his arm) aaaa . . .

ESTELLE: Be quiet. They're starting the press conference.

GIULIANI: My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.

[Yogurt Shop]

(Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer sitting at a table in the Yogurt Shop)

JERRY: The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.

GEORGE: Phew!

ELAINE: Oh, it stinks.

KRAMER: Mine, too. I got one more day.

JERRY: I can't eat this.

NEWMAN: (from the corner of the Yogurt shop) Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.

JERRY: It had fat in it, it's not good for you.

NEWMAN: I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.

ELAINE: Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. (reading from the newspaper) Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.

JERRY: So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.

ELAINE: I wonder what actually happened in that lab.

KRAMER: Yeah, me, too.

NEWMAN: I can't eat this.

(Newman exits in disgust along with another customer; Matthew and his mom come over)

MATTHEW: (hits Jerry to get his attention) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat beep(fuck).

[Closing Monologue]

There's nothing more fun than cursing when you're a kid. I mean it's like getting the keys to the car isn't it? You're doing something you're not supposed to do and that's all you want. And there's nothing less fun than when you're an adult and having to use those..wholesome curses (with a lot of emphasis) 'Fudge' (more emphasis) 'Sugar' 'Con-sarnit' What the hell is con-sarnit anyway? I mean you stub your toe and you say con-sarnit you might as well say 'Yippee' But if you've ever been to a foreign country the first thing you learn are the curse words, right? You travel halfway around the world to experience some centuries old exotic civilization, the first thing you ask is 'How do they say doodie here?'

The End

S5E8 - The Barber

Broadcast date: November 11, 1993

Written by Andy Robin

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anthony Ponzini  ............... Enzo

David Ciminello .................. Gino

Michael Fairman ................. Mr. Pensky

Jack Shearer ....................... Mr. Tuttle

Kenny Myles ...................... Mike

Peggy Maltby ..................... Clarisse

David Richardson .............. Customer

rc: Wayne Knight .............. Newman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: The old-fashioned barber shop is unfortunately becoming a thing of the past, now what went wrong? Well first of all there's a twenty thousand dollar chair to make a three dollar tip. I say cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair cutting, except show every person the back of their head that's the one law. I don't want to see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never going to see at any other time? When I buy pants two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs and go "how do you like crotch?" If I wanted to see everything I would have been a fly.

[Sanalac office building]

(George is at a meeting)

MR. TUTTLE: Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We have a small but prestigious group of clients.

GEORGE: Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious.

MR. TUTTLE: That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little thing to you. You understand everything immediately.

GEORGE: I enjoy understanding.

MR. TUTTLE: I want you to have this job. Of course...

SECRETARY: Mr. Zimmer is on line 2.

MR. TUTTLE: Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in.

[At Monk's]

(Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting at the booth closest to the door)

GEORGE: I want you to have this job. Of course...

JERRY & ELAINE: Yeah?

GEORGE: That's it.

JERRY: What do you mean that's it?

GEORGE: He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.

JERRY: "Of course" was the last thing he said?

GEORGE: Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates."

ELAINE: "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time."

JERRY: "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite."

(Elaine laughs)

GEORGE: All right.

ELAINE: Why don't you go ahead and call him?

GEORGE: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him.

JERRY: So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job.

GEORGE: And if I don't call...

JERRY: You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it?

GEORGE: Rest stop supply.

ELAINE & JERRY: Oh.

ELAINE: Good for you.

(Kramer comes in and sits down.)

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

GEORGE: Hey

JERRY: Hey

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Shower?

KRAMER: Haircut.

JERRY: Oh.

KRAMER: I'm very happy with this.

JERRY: Who'd you use? Gino?

KRAMER: Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair.

ELAINE: What butcher?

KRAMER: The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.

JERRY: Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.

ELAINE: You never get good haircuts.

KRAMER: You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.

JERRY: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction.

KRAMER: What bachelor auction?

ELAINE: Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.

KRAMER: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.

JERRY: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.

KRAMER: Polio?

ELAINE: Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.

JERRY: Okay.

KRAMER: What are you all dressed up for?

GEORGE: I had a job interview.

KRAMER: Yeah. How'd it go?

GEORGE: Good. Of course...

[At the barber shop]

ENZO: Oh Jerry.

JERRY: Oh hi Enzo.

ENZO: Oh, you've come for the haircut.

JERRY: No, actually I was just gonna...

ENZO: It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been with me for so long. You're so loyal.

JERRY: Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave)

ENZO: (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.

JERRY: Well I don't want to take too much off.

ENZO: Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair.

MAN: Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

(Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are looking in disbelief at the haircut.)

GEORGE: He massacred you.

JERRY: I know.

GEORGE: You look like you're five years old.

JERRY: What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.

GEORGE: You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship.

JERRY: I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by.

GEORGE: Well, you gotta do it.

JERRY: I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.

(Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.)

KRAMER: No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.

JERRY: He was in the shop. I thought you told me he wasn't going to be there.

KRAMER: So what?

JERRY: I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

KRAMER: His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself.

JERRY: Yea but...

KRAMER: I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will.

JERRY: No, no Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that.

KRAMER: I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up.

JERRY: I don't want you to call him.

KRAMER: All right, geez. You're crazy.

(Kramer leaves.)

GEORGE: So I still haven't heard about that job.

JERRY: Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that?

GEORGE: I have an idea.

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: I show up.

JERRY: What do you mean you show up?

GEORGE: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

JERRY: Hmm. Not bad.

GEORGE: What's the worst thing that could happen?

JERRY: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.

GEORGE: Yeah, so?

JERRY: Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with here.

[At the office.]

GEORGE: (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.

SECRETARY: How can I help you?

GEORGE: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell me where my office is.

SECRETARY: I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today.

MIKE: Welcome aboard.

GEORGE: Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.

MIKE: I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.

GEORGE: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.

SECRETARY: He wants to know where his office is.

MIKE: Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. You know I should ask Jack.

GEORGE: Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.

MIKE: Really?

GEORGE: Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.

MIKE: All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.

GEORGE: Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.

(George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat and sits down. He quickly flips through the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud.)

(Camera shot at the clock on his wall. The clock says 9:00.)

(A moment later, the clock flips to 5:00.)

(George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase and his coat and he walks out.)

[At Monk's]

(Jerry is wearing a baseball cap sitting with George at the usual booth]

JERRY: So what did you do there all day?

GEORGE: They gave me the Pensky file.

JERRY: So it's a nice place to work?

GEORGE: You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me.

flashback (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen)

GEORGE: (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast.

end flashback

JERRY: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?

GEORGE: He'll be back on Monday.

(Elaine enters and sits down.)

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?

JERRY: I got a haircut.

ELAINE: Oh yeah? Can I see it?

JERRY: Oh there's nothing to see.

ELAINE: Come on. Let me see it.

JERRY: Forget it.

ELAINE: Come on.

JERRY: All right.

(Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his fist on the table.)

JERRY: Alright, that's very good. Thank you.

ELAINE: (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

JERRY: Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction.

ELAINE: What? No Jerry, you have to go.

GEORGE: You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day.

ELAINE: (dryly) Yeah, too bad.

[At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave.]

KRAMER: It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it.

GINO: Sure, I fix. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair.

KRAMER: Yeah yeah yeah.

GINO: (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.

ENZO: Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhand. How can you have hand like a scissor, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like a scissor.

GINO: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.

ENZO: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do on the toilet?

KRAMER: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

[At Monk's.]

(Kramer joins Jerry, George and Elaine at the booth)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey

KRAMER: Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut.

ELAINE: Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.

JERRY: Yeah, but how am I...

KRAMER: No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock.

ELAINE: Can he fix it?

KRAMER: I don't know.

[At Gino's apartment.]

GINO: Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair.

JERRY: Oh. thank you.

GINO: I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.

JERRY: Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.

GINO: I don't think Uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.

JERRY: That's nice of you to say.

(The buzzer buzzes.)

GINO: Just a second. (answering buzzer) Yes.

ENZO: (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.

GINO: It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up.

("The Barber of Seville" music is playing. Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next room.)

knock, knock, knock

(Gino opens the door.)

GINO: Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?

ENZO: I've come to apologize.

GINO: Apologize?

ENZO: Yea. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.

GINO: He make me cry too. You want something to drink?

ENZO: Hey, what's all of this?

GINO: Nothing. It's just hair.

ENZO: You do haircut in the apartment?

GINO: No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.

ENZO: It looks very familiar.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good.

KRAMER: Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: I told you he could do it.

JERRY: Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor.

KRAMER: Yeah, so?

JERRY: I think he knew.

KRAMER: No. He doesn't know.

JERRY: Who do you know? He knows my hair.

KRAMER: Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together.

JERRY: Okay, okay.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: What happened? It looks the same.

JERRY: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.

ELAINE: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.

JERRY: Take the K-man.

ELAINE: You can still go.

KRAMER: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.

ELAINE: You think?

KRAMER: Do I think? He's repugnant.

(Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work.)

ELAINE: What would you wear?

KRAMER: Whatever it takes.

[At the barber shop.]

ENZO: See, now Newman is a good customer.

NEWMAN: Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.

ENZO: Oh, not everybody like Newman, so loyal.

NEWMAN: Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.

ENZO: You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business.

GINO: I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back.

ENZO: Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut?

NEWMAN: It's okay. A little crooked.

ENZO: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.

NEWMAN: What's the catch?

ENZO: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

NEWMAN: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts. And a comb.

[At George's office.]

(George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his desk with pencils.)

(buzzer on the phone)

SECRETARY: (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.

GEORGE: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?

(Pensky enters.)

PENSKY: Costanza? Arthur Pensky.

GEORGE: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder.

PENSKY: Where's Tuttle?

GEORGE: He's on vacation.

PENSKY: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks like you put a lot of work into this.

GEORGE: Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.

PENSKY: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?

GEORGE: Really?

PENSKY: You are aware...

(buzzer on the phone)

SECRETARY: (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?

GEORGE: Not now Florice.

SECRETARY: (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.

PENSKY: Damn this city.

(Pensky leaves.)

GEORGE: I am aware. I am aware.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

GINO: He knows. He knows about us.

JERRY: How do you know?

GINO: Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He staring at the hair.

(knock knock knock)

JERRY: Who is it?

NEWMAN: It's Newman.

GINO: He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.

JERRY: All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape.

(Jerry opens the door.)

JERRY: What do you want?

NEWMAN: (dancing) Can I use your bathroom?

JERRY: What's wrong with yours?

NEWMAN: My toilet's clogged.

JERRY: You can't unclog it?

NEWMAN: No.

JERRY: Did you ask Kramer?

NEWMAN: He's out.

JERRY: Number one?

NEWMAN: Yes, yes. May I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.

JERRY: All right. Flush twice.

(He goes in the bathroom.)

NEWMAN: (thinking to himself; checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush.

(searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some scissors) Ahh.

JERRY: All right?

NEWMAN: Yeah, yeah.

JERRY: All right, I'll see you later.

NEWMAN: What are you doing?

JERRY: I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.

NEWMAN: Oh, can I watch a little? Cuz it's my favorite movie.

JERRY: Yeah all right.

(Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. Newman puts the scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.)

JERRY: You want something to drink?

NEWMAN: No. No.

(Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman confused.)

JERRY: If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber.

(Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair.)

NEWMAN: Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.)

(Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused. Gino re-enters from the bedroom)

[At the barber shop.]

(Newman enters)

ENZO: Did you get it? (comparing the hairs) Oh you done good Newman.

NEWMAN: It was a cinch. Where are you going?

ENZO: Io volgio vandetta.

[At the auction house.]

ELAINE: Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.

WOMAN: A thousand.

ELAINE: A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.

(Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on stage.)

ELAINE: Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate.

KRAMER: Equivalency.

ELAINE: Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. (Kramer dances up and down the stage) He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut.

(Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off. )

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, um, five bucks?

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking.

(knock, knock, knock)

JERRY: Who is it?

ENZO: (yelling) Enzo Manginero.

("Barber of Seville" music playing.)

JERRY: Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second.

ENZO: It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.

JERRY: No I wasn't there. (enters and slams the door)

ENZO: Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up.

JERRY: Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book.

(Gino enters from the bedroom)

GINO: Don't Jerry.

ENZO: So, it's true.

GINO: Yes it's true.

ENZO: I'm going to kill the both of you.

(Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes calm.)

[At the office.]

(George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door. George wakes up.)

GEORGE: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.

TUTTLE: George, I'm surprised to see you here.

GEORGE: You are?

TUTTLE: I thought you would have taken the large office.

GEORGE: Oh. Really.

TUTTLE: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.

GEORGE: Ah, here it is.

TUTTLE: (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week?

GEORGE: Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.

TUTTLE: You haven't done anything with this.

GEORGE: Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.

TUTTLE: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.

GEORGE: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.

TUTTLE: (scoffs) You're not Pensky material.

GEORGE: (chuckles) Really? Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

(Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They are both sobbing.)

[At the barber shop.]

("Barber of Seville" music is playing.)

(Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward Newman. Newman is very frightened.)

[Pensky office]

PENSKY: Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you.

GEORGE: Obviously.

(buzzer on the phone)

PENSKY: Yes.

SECRETARY: (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.

(George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" plays.)

THE END

[After the closing Castle Rock Logo]

KRAMER: (on the phone in Jerry's apartment) So when are you gonna be able to go out?

NEWMAN: (on the phone in his apartment with a Bald head) Not for a while.

TRUELY THE END

S5E9 - The Masseuse

Broadcast date: November 18, 1993

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lisa Edelstein  .....................  Karen

Jennifer Coolidge ................  Jody

Anthony Cistaro ................. Joel Rifkin

John Glen Bishop ................. Ticket Man

Hiram Kasten  ..................... Michael

Lisa Pescia ........................... Lisa

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And all these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes: "You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".

[setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)

JERRY: No eight years isn't such a long streak.

ELAINE: It isn't?

JERRY: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.

ELAINE: Get out!

JERRY: Not since June 29, 1980.

ELAINE: You remember the date?

JERRY: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

ELAINE: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.

JERRY: No Elaine he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.

ELAINE: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up)

JOANNE: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah?

JOANNE: Yeah. What's his name?

ELAINE: Joel...

JOANNE: Joel what?

ELAINE: Uh... (clears her throat) Rifkin.

MICHAEL: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?

ELAINE: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.

MICHAEL: Guess you better keep on his good side.

ELAINE: Very funny. That's very funny.

JOANNE: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.

ELAINE: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.

MICHAEL: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...

ELAINE: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

ELAINE: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

JERRY: But you like your Joel Rifkin.

ELAINE: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.

JERRY: Ask him to change it.

ELAINE: You can't ask a person to change their name.

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: Would you change yours?

JERRY: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.

(Kramer enters)

ELAINE: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?

JERRY: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.

KRAMER: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels)

ELAINE: You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.

(Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again)

KRAMER: I'll go.

ELAINE: O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.

KRAMER: Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)

ELAINE: You think I should have asked George?

JERRY: Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?

ELAINE: Karen?

JERRY: Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him)

ELAINE: Oh! The Risotto broad.

JERRY: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.

ELAINE: I tought you didn't like double dates.

JERRY: George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality.

ELAINE: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.

JERRY: He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.

ELAINE: And you're taking...

JERRY: Jody the masseuse.

ELAINE: Hey, did you get a massage yet?

JERRY: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?

ELAINE: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.

JERRY: Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: So it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.

(scene ends)

[setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')]

(Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!)

GEORGE: (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?"

KAREN: That is so funny.

GEORGE: (to Jody) You're listening to this?

JODI: Yeah. I heard you.

JERRY: (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.

JODI: (to George) So what did she say?

GEORGE: Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)

JODI: You just said that you said it.

GEORGE: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.

KAREN: I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.

JERRY: (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.

GEORGE: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.

JODI: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?

GEORGE: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.

JODI: (to Jerry) Can we go?

JERRY: Yeah. Let's go.

KAREN: So soon? (they get up)

JERRY: Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.

KAREN: Yeah.

JODI: Nice meeting you Karen.

KAREN: Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage.

JODI: Oh yeah.

GEORGE: Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him)

JODI: Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's place later that night]

(Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV)

JERRY: I strained my neck last night.

JODI: Really, how?

JERRY: I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.

JODI: So what's the deal with your friend George?

JERRY: No deal. Why?

JODI: What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense?

JERRY: Oh well, he was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.

JODI: I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.

JERRY: Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)

JODI: Did you see the way that he was eating?

JERRY: Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)

JODI: I have to tell you, I really don't like him.

JERRY: Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder)

JODI: It's just I hate that type.

JERRY: Yeah, he's a bad seed.

JODI: Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)

JERRY: What are you doing?

JODI: What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)

(scene ends)

[setting: The Chinese restaurant]

(George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)

GEORGE: So, what do you think?

KAREN: Really enjoyed it.

GEORGE: Jody's nice.

KAREN: She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.

GEORGE: You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.

KAREN: Yeah

GEORGE: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable?

KAREN: You were extremely personable.

GEORGE: I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?

KAREN: I didn't pick up anything.

GEORGE: The second time I sent the noodles back, I tought she made a face...

KAREN: I didn't see a face.

GEORGE: I tought I saw a face.

KAREN: Anyhow, what is the difference?

GEORGE: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.

KAREN: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...")

GEORGE: He he he he

KAREN: Ah ah ah ah

GEORGE: So you think she likes me?

(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)

(scene ends)

[setting: Elaine's place]

(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.)

ELAINE: (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?

JOEL: Massaging your neck.

ELAINE: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.

JOEL: Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her)

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Deon these days. What a cool name, Deon. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Deon.

JOEL: Deon Benes?

ELAINE: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Deon Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.

JOEL: D-Deon Rifkin?

ELAINE: Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!

JOEL: Elaine! What is going on?

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(Jerry and George at a booth)

GEORGE: She stayed over?

JERRY: Yeah. (disappointed)

GEORGE: The sex wasn't so good?

JERRY: No. The sex was fabulous.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: I want the massage!

GEORGE: Did you ask her?

JERRY: I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.

GEORGE: So we had a good time... the four of us.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: What did Jodi say?

JERRY: She had a good time.

GEORGE: Is that it?

JERRY: Pretty much.

GEORGE: Did she say anything about, uh...

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.

JERRY: Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)

GEORGE: You just hesitated.

JERRY: I was blowing on the coffee.

GEORGE: She didn't like me?

JERRY: Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.

GEORGE: So she doesn't like me?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: She said that?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: She told you she doesn't like me!

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: What were her exact--

JERRY: "I don't like him."

GEORGE: Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?

JERRY: Not everybody likes everybody!

GEORGE: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?

JERRY: You were very nice!

GEORGE: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister?

JERRY: It has nothing to do with her sister.

GEORGE: I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! Woah

(scene ends)

[setting: hall in Jerry's building]

(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)

GEORGE: You vomited in 1987.

JERRY: Oh no. That was the dry heaves.

(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)

JERRY: Jodi.

JODI: Hey, Jerry.

GEORGE: Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here)

JERRY: What are you doing here?

JODI: I was giving Kramer a massage.

JERRY: Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)

JODI: I got to run. I have an appointment downtown.

GEORGE: Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.

JODI: No that's O.K.

GEORGE: Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him)

JERRY: I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)

KRAMER: Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!

JERRY: Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!

KRAMER: You don't know what you're missing buddy.

(they enter Jerry's apartment)

(scene ends)

[setting: street in front of Jerry's building]

(George and Jodi)

GEORGE: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.

JODI: You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi)

GEORGE: Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter)

KRAMER: (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)

JERRY: So you had a good time.

KRAMER: Oh... yeah...

JERRY: Enjoyed yourself.

KRAMER: Very... much...

JERRY: All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)

KRAMER: What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)

JERRY: The massages are out!

KRAMER: Wha--

JERRY: Ahh!!! They're out!

KRAMER: Why?!

JERRY: Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one.

KRAMER: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out!

JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)

KRAMER: Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)

JERRY: Don't you ever talk about her like that!

KRAMER: But why?

JERRY: That's final!!!

KRAMER: Ah!!! Yahh!!!

(scene ends)

[setting: Giants Stadium]

(Elaine and Joel)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Giants stadium.

ELAINE: Oh, you have photos in your wallet?

JOEL: Yeah. Why? Is that weird?

ELAINE: No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this?

JOEL: That's my mother.

ELAINE: Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.

JOEL: No, there's no resemblance.

ELAINE: Yeah, there is, right here you see--

JOEL: Elaine, I was adopted.

ELAINE: (pause) Oh. That's nice.

JOEL: Oh, the game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is.

(scene ends)

[setting: ticket counter]

KRAMER: (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.

TICKET MAN: Here it is. I need some I.D.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet.

TICKET MAN: Well, I can't give it to you then.

KRAMER: Are you kidding me?

TICKET MAN: I'm afraid not.

KRAMER: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.

TICKET MAN: I'm sorry. I need proof.

KRAMER: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.

TICKET MAN: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.

KRAMER: Where's a phone?

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player, Lawrence Taylor of the N.Y. Giants, distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin)

JOEL: Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around)

ELAINE: (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters, moaning)

KRAMER: Oh, God.

JERRY: What's the matter with you?

KRAMER: Jerry, I need another massage!

JERRY: You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?

KRAMER: Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.

JERRY: Oh please.

KRAMER: And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! (whining) It's killing me Jerry!

JERRY: Well, did you get the ball?

KRAMER: Oh I got the ball.

JERRY: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.

KRAMER: Well, It's quite a thrill.

JERRY: Why don't you get somebody else?

KRAMER: Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best.

JERRY: Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".

KRAMER: What about my massage?

JERRY: (whining like Kramer) Ask Newman.

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(George and Karen at a booth)

GEORGE: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?

KAREN: Of course.

GEORGE: No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.

KAREN: What, do you think I've never had a massage before?

GEORGE: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!

KAREN: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.

GEORGE: I wanna know what I did to this woman.

KAREN: What, you got a little thing for her?

GEORGE: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

KAREN: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?

GEORGE: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

(scene ends)

[setting: Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)

ELAINE: Of course I support your decision to change your name.

JOEL: After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away.

ELAINE: Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.

JOEL: Sure?

ELAINE: (she fakes a strangling) RRR...

JOEL: O.K. you got your list?

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.

JOEL: Right.

ELAINE: O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it.

JOEL: O.K.

ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?

JOEL: Stuart.

ELAINE: (right away) No. Second choice.

JOEL: Stu--Stuart's no good?

ELAINE: I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

JOEL: O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.

ELAINE: (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto.

JOEL: All right. Oh, hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice.

ELAINE: Great...

JOEL: Alex.

ELAINE: I gotta tell ya, I have a bad association with the name Alex.

JOEL: Bad bad association?

ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh". I had to drop the class.

(scnen ends)

[setting: Jerry's place]

(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)

JODI: Hey.

JERRY: Hi.

JODI: Hi. (kiss) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.

JERRY: Ah, no problem. That's fine.

JODI: What's with this music?

JERRY: That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table)

JODI: What are you doing?

JERRY: Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.

JODI: Actually, I should get a new one.

JERRY: No, nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)

JODI: So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)

JERRY: Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.

JODI: (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.

JERRY: Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)

JODI: I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)

JERRY: No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)

JODI: No, I can't!

JERRY: Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)

(scene ends)

[setting: Karen's place]

(George and Karen are making out on the couch)

GEORGE: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. You know, I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to.

KAREN: You're going now?

GEORGE: I think I can still catch her.

KAREN: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.

GEORGE: What? What are you talking about.

KAREN: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!

GEORGE: I know. I know.

KAREN: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?

GEORGE: (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)

KAREN: Well, now I hate you!

GEORGE: That I'm used to. (he leaves)

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Elaine's place]

JOEL: Ned?

ELAINE: What is wrong with Ned?

JOEL: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!

ELAINE: Ellis.

JOEL: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!

ELAINE: Ellis and Alex aren't even close.

JOEL: NEXT!

ELAINE: Ohh, what is the point?

JOEL: NO, NO. COME ON!

ELAINE: O.K. O.K. Remy.

JOEL: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?

ELAINE: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.

JOEL: Grrrr!

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Jerry's]

JERRY: What do you mean, no?

JODI: No means no.

JERRY: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.

JODI: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.

JERRY: Fine. Go.

(George enters. He's staring at Jodi)

GEORGE: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: We need to talk.

JERRY: You need to talk?

JODI: We have nothing to talk about.

GEORGE: Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.

JERRY: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.

GEORGE: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.

JERRY: I can see that.

JODI: I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.

JERRY: Don't worry. (she leaves)

GEORGE: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.

JERRY: You're a lucky guy.

GEORGE: I got to go after her.

JERRY: George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)

GEORGE: JODI! (he starts running after her)

(scene ends)

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: The swedish are very big massagers. You know? They like the swedish meatballs, swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands these people, for some reason. But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then that's it ok, you're done. It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go "Excuse me, I think you missed a spot."

The End

S5E10 - The Cigar Store Indian

Broadcast date: December 9, 1993

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kimberly Norris  ................. Winona

Sam Lloyd ........................... Ricky

Carissa Channing ...............  Sylvia

Ralph Manza ....................... Gepetto

Al Roker  ............................. Himself

Veralyn Jones ...................... Renee

Lisa Pescia ............................ Joanne

Benjamin Lum ...................... Mailman

Irvin Mosley Jr. .................... Spike

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Richard Fancy ................. Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.'

[George's parents' house]

(Elaine and Jerry in the living room.)

JERRY: How would you describe the smell in this house?

ELAINE: (sniffing) Dandruff?

JERRY: Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?

ELAINE: There's some kasha.

JERRY: Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really.

(George enters from the kitchen

ELAINE: Alright, let's go, come on.

GEORGE: Wha... you're going?

ELAINE: Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be late.

(Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured objects in his hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.)

KRAMER: Egh. These aren't candies.

GEORGE: Wha? Did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps and begins examining them for damage)

KRAMER: Well I'm a guest.

GEORGE: Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.

JERRY: You're not allowed to have people over?

GEORGE: I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return the soaps)

KRAMER: What, this is a party?

ELAINE: Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go.

(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices Jerry's mug on the coffee table.)

GEORGE: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!

JERRY: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table.

GEORGE: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen)

KRAMER: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?

(George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.)

ELAINE: (impatient) Come on!

JERRY: What's the big rush?

ELAINE: I'm having people over.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...

JERRY: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?

ELAINE: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

JERRY: (interested) Really?

ELAINE: I'll put in a good word for you.

JERRY: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table)

GEORGE: (screaming) Aaahh!!

JERRY: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)

GEORGE: But Jerry, this is not coming out!

JERRY: Just put a coffee table book over it.

GEORGE: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table!

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?

ELAINE: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George.

GEORGE: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.

ELAINE: Now?!

GEORGE: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them!

ELAINE: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven.

KRAMER: Alright, we'll take the subway.

JERRY: There you go. That'll get you home in time.

ELAINE: Oh! The subway? From Queens?

GEORGE: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.

JERRY: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.

ELAINE: I need something to read on the subway.

JERRY: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.

ELAINE: (looks at it) TV Guide?

[Subway train]

(Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer is expanding on his book concept.)

KRAMER: Like a history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

ELAINE: (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.

KRAMER: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?

ELAINE: (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning.

KRAMER: (claps hands) Yes indeed.

TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

KRAMER: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one?

ELAINE: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time?

KRAMER: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one?

ELAINE: (laughing) No thanks.

KRAMER: Alright, but no bites.

(Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple of other guys waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. Elaine continues to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak inside and out) proffers a pen.)

RICKY: Highlighter?

ELAINE: Excuse me?

RICKY: To highlight the programmes you plan to watch.

ELAINE: Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just trying to read.

RICKY: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading 'the Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.

(The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, Kramer tries to enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving him holding his gyro into the carriage.)

KRAMER: (yells) Elaine!

(A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's hand and sits down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.)

RICKY: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train.

ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.

RICKY: He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.

[Furniture refinishers]

(Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table.)

JERRY: Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.

GEORGE: Why?

JERRY: Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me?

GEORGE: Can't hurt you.

JERRY: What about, what about this thing?

GEORGE: The Indian?

JERRY: Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute.

GEPETTO: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.

GEORGE: Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back.

GEPETTO: They left you home alone, huh?

[Subway train]

(Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the TV Guide. Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.)

RICKY: Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy.

(The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.)

ELAINE: Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye.

RICKY: (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this!

(Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees the address label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING NY 11353)

[Furniture refinishers]

(Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.)

GEPETTO: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!

SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there?

GEORGE: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)

SYLVIA: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.

GEORGE: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.

SYLVIA: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

GEORGE: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing.

JERRY: Alright, I'll take it.

GEPETTO: Smart choice.

SYLVIA: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.

GEORGE: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them.

[Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.)

ELAINE: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces

THE GIRLS: (disappointed) Oh/Aah.

ELAINE: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!

(There's a knock at the door.)

ELAINE: Who is it?

JERRY (O.C.): It's Jerry.

(Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside a large object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.)

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: Surprise! (he carries in the object)

ELAINE: What is this?

JERRY: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.

ELAINE: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?

THE GIRLS: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)

JERRY: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.

GIRL (NOT WINONA): Elaine, is it your birthday?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy.

THE GIRLS: Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval)

JERRY: Are you ready?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!

(There is a deathly hush.)

JERRY: It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card.

ELAINE: (examines card; embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much.

JERRY: Read it out loud.

ELAINE: I, I don't think so.

JERRY: (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.

WINONA: (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go.

ELAINE: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...

(Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical movie Indian chant.)

JERRY: Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.

(Winona leaves, looking offended.)

ELAINE: Are you out of your mind?!

JERRY: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.

ELAINE: Winona is a Native American.

JERRY: She is?

[George's parents' house]

(Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony singing can be heard in the background.)

SYLVIA: You got very unusual taste.

GEORGE: (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled.

SYLVIA: Fine.

GEORGE: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.

SYLVIA: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?

GEORGE: (bashful) No, that's me.

SYLVIA: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house.

GEORGE: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.

SYLVIA: What is this we're listening to?

GEORGE: The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)

SYLVIA: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?

GEORGE: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they leave together)

[Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.]

WINONA (O.C.): Who is it?

JERRY: Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

WINONA: (unimpressed) Yeah?

JERRY: Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up?

WINONA: I'll come down.

[Elaine's apartment]

KRAMER: I came by to get my ball.

ELAINE: It's right over there.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come from?

ELAINE: You want it?

KRAMER: (unbelieving) I can have this?!

ELAINE: Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.

KRAMER: Oh. I'll lug.

[Street outside Winona's]

WINONA: It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.

JERRY: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya?

WINONA: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.

JERRY: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here.

(The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence.)

MAILMAN: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.

JERRY: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood.

MAILMAN: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away)

JERRY: I didn't know that...

WINONA: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.

JERRY: I, I had no idea.

(A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top of the Indian.)

KRAMER: (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! (begins doing war-whoops)

(Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing to say. Winona storms back into her building.)

[George's parent's house]

(George and Jerry are returning the table.)

GEORGE: Looks pretty good.

JERRY: Yeah, did a good job.

(They put the various ornaments back on the table.)

GEORGE: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.

JERRY: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

GEORGE: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...

JERRY: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight.

GEORGE: Oh, great.

JERRY: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake.

GEORGE: Aw c'mon.

(The front door opens and George's parents enter.)

ESTELLE: Hello, hello!

GEORGE: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi.

ESTELLE: Oh, the house looks very nice.

GEORGE: Yeah, huh.

FRANK: Where's the mail?

ESTELLE: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hello.

GEORGE: So, how was the trip?

ESTELLE: Ah, your father...

FRANK: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth?

ESTELLE: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)

FRANK: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide?

GEORGE: What TV Guide?

FRANK: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.

JERRY: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.

FRANK: Elaine took it?

GEORGE: I didn't know she took it!

JERRY: Wa, it's two weeks old.

FRANK: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

GEORGE: (to Jerry) He collects them.

JERRY: You collect TV Guide?

FRANK: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible!

ESTELLE: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in our bed.

FRANK: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic wrapper?!

ESTELLE: What is this doing on my bed?!

GEORGE: I don't know, uh...

JERRY: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)

FRANK: You were having sex on our bed?!

GEORGE: Yes!

ESTELLE: Who told you, you could have sex in our bed?

GEORGE: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.

FRANK: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

ESTELLE: Where am I going to sleep?

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

ESTELLE: I can't sleep in there!

GEORGE: Of course you can.

ESTELLE: I can't! (screams) I can't!

FRANK: That's it! You're grounded!

GEORGE: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

FRANK: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're grounded!

[Winona's apartment]

(Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.)

WINONA: So, where are we gonna go eat?

JERRY: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.

WINONA: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?

JERRY: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)

WINONA: You made what?

JERRY: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodations. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats.

WINONA: How did you get these?

JERRY: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again)

WINONA: From who?

JERRY: A uh, one of those guys.

WINONA: What guys?

JERRY: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events.

WINONA: Oh.

JERRY: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide.

WINONA: That's Al Roker.

JERRY: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?

WINONA: Sure, take it.

JERRY: Thanks.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters with the TV Guide.)

JERRY: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.

ELAINE: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?

JERRY: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.

ELAINE: He collects (holds up magazine) these?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.

JERRY: What'ya do with the one you took?

ELAINE: I dunno.

[Ricky's apartment]

(Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy teenager. He's cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming the theme to I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters.)

ELAINE: Hi.

KRAMER: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?

ELAINE: What did who say?

KRAMER: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?

ELAINE: Uhmm...

KRAMER: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?

ELAINE: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...

KRAMER: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...

ELAINE: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.

JERRY: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.

KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.

JERRY: Where you going?

KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.

JERRY: My Indian?

KRAMER: You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click)

(He leaves.)

[George's parents' house]

(George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by the TV Guide incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.)

FRANK: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial?

(Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding what looks like a bouquet of flowers.)

RICKY: Hello. Is Elaine home?

ESTELLE: Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.

FRANK: (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house!

RICKY: (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, it's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.

FRANK: (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave that to you?!

RICKY: (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?

GEORGE: Yeah.

RICKY: Oh, this is a good one.

[Subway train]

(Elaine riding the subway to Queens.)

TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

(A thought occurs to Elaine.)

ELAINE (V.O.): Mmm, gyro.

(She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to her at the exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes out first.)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona looks around.)

WINONA: I like your place. It's very unassuming.

JERRY: Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions.

WINONA: (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back.

JERRY: Why?

WINONA: Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker.

JERRY: Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father.

WINONA: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.

JERRY: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself)

WINONA: What?

JERRY: A uh, a person that uh...

WINONA: A person that what?

JERRY: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh...

WINONA: And?

JERRY: ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to.

WINONA: You mean like, an Indian giver?!

JERRY: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

[Subway train]

(Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from her sandwich are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.)

[George's parents' house]

(Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The coffee table is covered in boxes of the magazine.)

RICKY: I like the special fall preview issues the best.

FRANK: Those. I've been saving those from the beginning.

(The doorbell rings.)

RICKY: These are worth like, a lot of money.

(Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine.)

ESTELLE: Oh, hello Elaine!

ELAINE: Hello. (she enters)

RICKY: (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.

(Elaine looks nervous and surprised.)

FRANK: Why'd you take my TV Guide?

ELAINE: (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one. (hands it over)

RICKY: I made this for you.

ELAINE: (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.

FRANK: (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over it! What the hell'd you do?

RICKY: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.

FRANK: (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want!

RICKY: Come on Elaine, let's go.

(As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with his leg. It tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over with a crash.)

ESTELLE: My coffee table!

[Gus' Smoke Shop]

(Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to do a job of salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. In the background, Mr Lippman is browsing.)

KRAMER: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly.

SPIKE: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.

KRAMER: Forget it.

LIPPMAN: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah.

LIPPMAN: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?

KRAMER: Giddyup.

LIPPMAN: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing.

KRAMER: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.

[Lippman's office]

(Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer!

KRAMER: Yeah, hi Elaine.

ELAINE: What are you doing in here with that?

KRAMER: Ah, well, it's a business transaction.

LIPPMAN: (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, count it.

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.

LIPPMAN: You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe.

KRAMER: You mind if I use it in my book?

LIPPMAN: What book?

KRAMER: Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables.

LIPPMAN: About coffee tables?

(Elaine is pulling skeptical faces.)

KRAMER: Uh huh.

LIPPMAN: That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your publisher?

KRAMER: Well, I'm still shopping it around.

LIPPMAN: Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you should be coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?

ELAINE: Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I...

LIPPMAN: (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the room. Don't you think?

(Elaine looks sick.)

[Furniture refinishers]

(Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.)

SYLVIA: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.

ESTELLE: It's mine. I'm his mother.

SYLVIA: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard.

ESTELLE: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.

SYLVIA: He does?

[Subway train]

(Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy. Jerry has a copy of the TV Guide.)

JERRY: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide.

ELAINE: I dunno.

JERRY: Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine)

ELAINE: I guess.

JERRY: What's the matter?

ELAINE: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book.

JERRY: It is a good idea, Elaine.

TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

JERRY: You want a gyro?

ELAINE: I don't think so.

(Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past other commuters.)

[Subway train: moments later]

(Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage just as the doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.)

JERRY: Elaine!

(A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's hand, just as Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing to eat.)

AL ROKER: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.

ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.

AL ROKER: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin)

(Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide and finds the guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. She looks up at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture on the cover.)

[Nightclub]

JERRY: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?

The End

S5E11 - The Conversion

Broadcast date: December 16, 1993

Written by Bruce Kirschbaum

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kay E. Kuter  ...................... Older Priest

Molly Hagan ....................... Sister Roberta

Tom Verica ......................... Doctor

Kimberley Campbell ............ Tawni

Jana Marie Hupp   .............. Sasha

Bill Rose .............................. Younger Priest

Randy Brenner ................... Waiter

Darlene Kardon .................. Mrs. Lupchek

Karen Rizzo. ....................... Woman Hailing Cab

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.

[At a restaurant.]

GEORGE: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.

SASHA: Twenty five dollars.

GEORGE: Yes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. You know you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.

SASHA: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.

GEORGE: We do?

SASHA: We can’t keep seeing each other.

GEORGE: Why?

SASHA: (crying) Because it’s over. (sob, sob, sob) It’s my parents George, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? (sob)

WAITER:: Uh, have you decided yet?

SASHA: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.

GEORGE: Um, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster isn’t the way to go.

[The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.]

JERRY: Then he asked you out?

ELAINE: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.

JERRY: On your heart?

ELAINE: Jerry, the man is a doctor.

JERRY: Doctor? He’s a podiatrist.

ELAINE: So, it’s the same thing.

JERRY: Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.

ELAINE: Really?

TAWNI: Hello.

JERRY: Oh hi.

TAWNI: Are you going to be stopping by later?

JERRY: Yes, I’ll be stopping.

TAWNI: Ok, see you later.

JERRY: See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can’t all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)

(They enter Jerry’s apartment. George is laying on the couch)

GEORGE: It’s over.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: How did you get in?

GEORGE: Kramer.

ELAINE: What’s that? (points at some foil on the table)

GEORGE: Lobster.

JERRY: Looks like a swan.

GEORGE: She says we can’t go out anymore.

ELAINE: Why?

GEORGE: Because I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t let her get involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.

ELAINE: Latvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster.

JERRY: She’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.

GEORGE: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s not entirely true.

(Jerry hands Elaine a folk and they dig into the lobster)

JERRY: Oh, whatever.

ELAINE: Mmm, this is delicious.

JERRY: Mmm, succulent.

GEORGE: She knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn’t seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.

ELAINE: Why don’t you just ask her parents?

GEORGE: I can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.

JERRY: To Latvian Orthodox?

GEORGE: Why not? What do I care?

JERRY: You know it’s not like changing toothpaste.

ELAINE: I think it would be romantic.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.

GEORGE: King Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

GEORGE: You know what? I could probably do this. What’s the difference.

ELAINE: George I was just kidding around.

GEORGE: No. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise her.

ELAINE: George I wasn’t serious.

GEORGE: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this.

(George leaves.)

ELAINE: I guess this one is my fault.

JERRY: Oh yeah.

[At Tawni’s apartment]

TAWNI: (kiss, kiss, kiss) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?

JERRY: Oh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing.

TAWNI: Well it was worth it. (kiss) I’ll be (kiss) right (kiss) back (kiss). Where are you going?

JERRY: To wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange.

TAWNI: Meet you back here?

JERRY: Right there.

(Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in. )

JERRY: (thinking to himself; picks up a tube) "Fungicide". Fungus?

[At Monk’s.]

(Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine eating at the normal booth)

JERRY: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?

ELAINE: I don’t know.

KRAMER: Fungus.

JERRY: Exactly

ELAINE: So what did you say?

JERRY: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.

ELAINE: I don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?

JERRY: I didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.

ELAINE: You were snooping.

JERRY: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn’t do that.

KRAMER: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.

ELAINE: Well I trust people not to do that.

KRAMER: Big mistake.

JERRY: Why don’t you ask that doctor what it is?

ELAINE: What? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.

JERRY: But that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They’re knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.

ELAINE: I am not going to ask him about funguses.

KRAMER: Fungi.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Fungi.

[In the priest’s office.]

FATHER-PRIEST: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?

GEORGE: (ahem) In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um… (trying to think of a word)

FATHER-PRIEST: Enigmatic?

GEORGE: No.

FATHER-PRIEST: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")

GEORGE: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")

FATHER-PRIEST: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.

GEORGE: Yes.

FATHER-PRIEST 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?

GEORGE: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.

FATHER-PRIEST: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?

GEORGE: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.

FATHER-PRIEST: Plot?

GEORGE: Yes. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that.

FATHER-PRIEST 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in your desire.

GEORGE: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?

FATHER-PRIEST: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).

GEORGE: Ah hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?

(Sister Roberta enters)

SISTER ROBERTA: Oh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting in the chapel.

FATHER-PRIEST: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.

SISTER ROBERTA: Oh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck to you.

(They bow back and forth; Sister Roberta leaves)

GEORGE: Nice nun.

FATHER-PRIEST: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice.

FATHER-PRIEST 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until next Thursday.

[In the chapel.]

SISTER ROBERTA: May I help you?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.

SISTER ROBERTA: Well he’s in with the Father.

KRAMER: Oh yeah.

SISTER ROBERTA: I’m Sister Roberta.

KRAMER: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.

SISTER ROBERTA: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)

[At Jerry’s apartment.]

(George and Jerry in the kitchen area; George is taking a small cake out of a box)

GEORGE: I can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m in the club.

JERRY: That’s all there is to it.

GEORGE: That’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.

JERRY: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?

GEORGE: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

(Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.)

JERRY: Oh a slinky.

KRAMER: Sister Roberta gave it to me.

JERRY: Why did she give you that?

KRAMER: I think she liked me.

JERRY: What do you mean she liked you?

KRAMER: Liked me.

GEORGE: Kramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.

KRAMER: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.

JERRY: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.

KRAMER: Yeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.

JERRY: Yea alright.

(ringing sounds from Kramer's apartment)

KRAMER: Oh, that's my phone.

(Kramer leaves. Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.)

JERRY: Oh hi.

TAWNI: Hi, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.

JERRY: (weakly) A little better. (fake cough)

TAWNI: If you need anything let me know.

JERRY: Okay.

TAWNI: Okay.

JERRY: All right.

TAWNI: Bye.

JERRY: Bye.

(Tawni leaves; Jerry closes the door)

GEORGE: Story.

JERRY: She’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.

GEORGE: Yea, she likes you.

JERRY: Yeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: So I don’t know what she’s using it for.

GEORGE: Well how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?

JERRY: I didn’t even think to look.

GEORGE: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.

JERRY: Yeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.

GEORGE: I still have brill cream.

[At Tawni’s apartment. ]

(Jerry knocks on the door )

(knock, knock, knock)

JERRY: Hi

TAWNI: Hi.

JERRY: Hi. Can I use your bathroom?

[At the doctor’s apartment.]

ELAINE: You sure you don’t mind?

DOCTOR: No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.

ELAINE: Well I mean the question isn’t even for me it’s for a friend.

DOCTOR: Elaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.

ELAINE: Well… podiatrist.

DOCTOR: Huh?

ELAINE: No no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in it’s own way.

DOCTOR: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.

ELAINE: I like feet too. I’m just saying…

DOCTOR: Saying what?

[In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. ]

(She knocks on the bathroom door.)

(knock, knock, knock)

TAWNI: How are you doing in there?

JERRY: Fine all done, just looking for the soap.

(Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.)

TAWNI: No soap?

JERRY: No I don’t see it.

(Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s girlfriend enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in his pocket.)

TAWNI: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.

[At George’s parent’s house.]

(George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.)

(knock, knock, knock)

ESTELLE: George what are you doing in there?

GEORGE: What? Nothing.

FRANK: You’ve been in there an hour.

ESTELLE: You don’t feel well?

GEORGE: I’m fine.

ESTELLE: I want to know what you’re doing in there.

GEORGE: Nothing.

FRANK: George, open the door.

GEORGE: No.

ESTELLE: Georgie.

GEORGE: No!

[At Kramer’s apartment.]

(Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.)

(knock, knock, knock)

KRAMER: Hey.

SISTER ROBERTA: Good evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.

[At Jerry’s Apartment.]

JERRY: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll need that in the form of a question.

GEORGE: I don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making me take this test.

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY: Hey, did you talk to the doctor?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.)

ELAINE: You took her medicine.

JERRY: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?

ELAINE: I don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren’t real doctors.

JERRY: How could you say that?

ELAINE: It’s you fault. You just got me thinking.

JERRY: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.

ELAINE: I’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.

JERRY: Me too.

ELAINE: Do you think I should call him and apologize?

JERRY: Yes. He’s a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.) (to George) What are you doing?

GEORGE: What does it look like I’m doing?

JERRY: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what you’re cheating on your conversion chest?

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: I told you.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: I told you she liked me.

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: Sister Roberta.

JERRY: How do you know?

KRAMER: She told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s thinking of leaving the church.

JERRY: Wow

KRAMER: Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, I’m very very dangerous.

[At the priest’s office.]

FATHER-PRIEST: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.

GEORGE: Oh, I’m I’m full of it Father.

FATHER-PRIEST 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… Kramer …(mumble)…

FATHER-PRIEST: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something has come up.

GEORGE: Oh, I understand. (George exits; Sees Kramer in the hallway) Hey.

KRAMER: (rushed) Yea, Hey. (Kramer enters.) Um, you wanted to see me Father?

FATHER-PRIEST: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.

KRAMER: I know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just that, that I have this power.

FATHER-PRIEST: Yes. Kavorka.

KRAMER: Kavorka?

FATHER-PRIEST: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".

KRAMER: I don’t understand.

FATHER-PRIEST: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.

KRAMER: Help me Father. Help me.

FATHER-PRIEST: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…

[The hallway by Jerry’s apartment]

JERRY: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer’s door) Ah hah.

(knock, knock, knock)

(Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. What are you doing?

KRAMER: I’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.

JERRY: The Kavorka? What’s that?

KRAMER: The lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.

JERRY: What is this thing around your neck?

KRAMER: The priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.

JERRY: You know you’re funcifying the whole building.

KRAMER: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.

(He closes his door.)

JERRY: Kramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer.

[At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It reads: CONVERSION CEREMONY - FOR - GEORGE COSTANZA - 3:P.M. The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.]

(A woman reads the sign.)

WOMAN: George Costanza? Estelle’s son?

[At George’s parent’s house.]

ESTELLE: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?

GEORGE: For a woman.

FRANK: A woman? What are you out of your mind?

ESTELLE: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?

FRANK: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?

GEORGE: No it’s a regular religion.

FRANK: I’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.

GEORGE: I don’t want to get out of it.

ESTELLE: Bu George, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re under their control.

FRANK: What, they brainwashed you?

GEORGE: No no.

FRANK: You’re not performing any rituals in this house.

ESTELLE: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.

FRANK: And stay away from those squirrels.

[At Tawni’s apartment.]

TAWNI: Oh how you doing Jerry?

JERRY: Good. What’s the matter?

TAWNI: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.

JERRY: Bonkers?

TAWNI: My cat. He’s got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.

JERRY: Oh it’s your cat!

TAWNI: What?

JERRY: Ooh, nothing.

[At the church.]

FATHER-PRIEST: Are you ready my son?

GEORGE: Yes faddah.

FATHER-PRIEST: What did you say?

GEORGE: What?

FATHER-PRIEST: I thought you said faddah.

GEORGE: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.

FATHER-PRIEST: Ooh, of course.

[Outside on a sidewalk.]

(A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.)

KRAMER: How you doing?

WOMAN: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)

KRAMER: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got time to catch her.

[At the church. It is George’s conversion ceremony.]

(Church music plays. George is dressed in a white church gown. He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle. Father-priest says some Latvian words. Kramer is running down the street going to the church. The church music is still playing. George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a hand motion on his gown. Kramer is still running to the church.)

FATHER-PRIEST: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction.

SISTER ROBERTA: (hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m sorry. It’s a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.

(Kramer enters the church.)

SISTER ROBERTA: Him.

CROWD: Kavorka, Kavorka.

[At Elaine’s apartment.]

ELAINE: (kiss, kiss) You know, because I love the foot. I’m a big fan of the foot.

DOCTOR: Well it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.

ELAINE: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.

DOCTOR: It’s my favorite toe.

ELAINE: Let’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You’re not going to the ear guy.

DOCTOR: No you’re not.

(phone rings)

ELAINE: I’ll be right back.

DOCTOR: Oh uh, where’s the bathroom?

ELAINE: It’s right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here.

JERRY: Elaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back.

(The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom. He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.)

DOCTOR: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?

[At the church]

SISTER ROBERTA: Something’s wrong. I don’t feel the same lure.

KRAMER: You don’t?

SISTER ROBERTA: What have I…? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink.

KRAMER: Yeah yeah.

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: But once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, "Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on."

[At Monk’s]

SASHA: For me?

GEORGE: Well I didn’t do it for my mother.

SASHA: I’m really flattered. But I just don’t feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.

GEORGE: Latvia?

SASHA: Yes. I’m going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn’t it great?

GEORGE: Enjoy, enjoy.

SASHA: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t ever change.

(She leaves)

GEORGE: I’d like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress)

The End

S5E12 - The Stall

Broadcast date: January 6, 1994

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jami Gertz  ........................... Jane

Dan Cortese ........................ Tony (The Mimbo)

==================================================================

[opening monologue]

JERRY: The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.

[the bathroom]

ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here

JANE: (from the stall on Elaine's right) Are you talking to me?

ELAINE: yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.

JANE: No I'm sorry

ELAINE: What?

JANE: No I'm sorry, I can't spare it

ELAINE: you can't spare it??

JANE: no there's not enough to spare

ELAINE: well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it

JANE: I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind

ELAINE: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??

JANE: no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply

JANE: look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)

ELAINE: No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you

[the movie theater]

(Jerry's girlfriend, Jane, returns and sits down)

JERRY: (eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent

JANE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JERRY: what?

(offering pop corn to Jane)

(elsewhere in the same theater)

ELAINE: hey

TONY: Hey. Hey? where is my popcorn babe?

ELAINE: what?

TONY: my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe?

ELAINE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JANE: I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me

ELAINE: 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!

JANE: she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane

ELAINE: I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane

JERRY: who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out

JANE: I don't know what she looks like

JERRY: I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony

ELAINE: hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like

TONY: hey? you think if I jumped off that balcony I'd get hurt?

[Jerry's apt.]

(Jerry's at his computer)

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: hey

JERRY: hey

KRAMER: hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?

JERRY: what's the matter with yours?

KRAMER: huh.. my batteries are dead

JERRY: It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

KRAMER: look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?

JERRY: why do you do that?

KRAMER: oh... (goes to the bedroom)

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: I am never going back to the movies again

JERRY: hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you

ELAINE: I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side

JERRY: oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony

ELAINE: yeah

JERRY: hey hey (fooling around with his collar)

ELAINE: yeah, all right ok

JERRY: Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)

ELAINE: that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts

JERRY: huh huh

ELAINE: I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper

JERRY: no what?

ELAINE: toilet paper

JERRY: oh.. whoa..

ELAINE: so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha

JERRY: well maybe she couldn't spare it

ELAINE: a square?

JERRY: well, you know, sometimes a square is everything

ELAINE: a ply?

JERRY: Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert

ELAINE: yeah

JERRY: it's battle conditions

ELAINE: yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?

JERRY: oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh..

ELAINE: the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun

JERRY: yeah that should be real fun

ELAINE: you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?

JERRY: yeah

(Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)

WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE: then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?

ELAINE: Andre?

(Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)

KRAMER: (on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident

WOMAN so what?

KRAMER: oh that wouldn't be very good

JERRY: (on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!

ELAINE: what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre?

JERRY: Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone

KRAMER: Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..

JERRY: hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me

KRAMER: hey, you're hungry? Monk's?

JERRY: no I gotta go downtown

ELAINE: oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?

JERRY: yeah

ELAINE: so listen, what happened last night with Jane?

JERRY: oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube

[Jerry's car]

ELAINE: you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer

JERRY: I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting

ELAINE: hey you got a problem with Tony?

JERRY: hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)

ELAINE: ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like

JERRY: of course you would

ELAINE: oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk

JERRY: Elaine

ELAINE: what?

JERRY: different for a man

ELAINE: uh?

JERRY: we're expected to be superficial

ELAINE: I'm not being superficial

JERRY: Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo

ELAINE: he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face

JERRY: and that's why you're going out with him

ELAINE: no it is not

JERRY: you know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him

ELAINE: I think he does too

JERRY: I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him

[Monk's]

TONY: so I said uh.. "hey dude, you better step off"

(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)

GEORGE: "step off"?

TONY: yeah

GEORGE: you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?

TONY: no

GEORGE: bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time

TONY: bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling

GEORGE: rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions

TONY: no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing

GEORGE: all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?

TONY: what.. whatever

GEORGE: alright alright, I gotta buy some bread

TONY: yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing

GEORGE: me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down

TONY: cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana?

GEORGE: uh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice

(Kramer enters)

TONY: hey Kramer

KRAMER: hey

TONY: hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana?

KRAMER: mañana I'm doing nada

TONY: what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

GEORGE: uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches

TONY: c'mon Kramer what do you say?

GEORGE: huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there

KRAMER: Na, I am down

TONY: yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong?

GEORGE: Oh no, I am down!

(Tony and George high-five really hard. George shakes his hand in pain afterward)

[Jerry's]

ELAINE: rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs)

GEORGE: alright alright

JERRY: yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?

GEORGE: yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy

JERRY: cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?

GEORGE: he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: hey

EVERYBODY hey

GEORGE: hey nice move today

KRAMER: what?

GEORGE: horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony

KRAMER: he asked me

GEORGE: you put him on the spot

KRAMER: you know I think you are in love with him

GEORGE: what?.. that's ridiculous!

KRAMER: no no no, I don't think so. You love him

GEORGE: you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either

(phone rings, Kramer answers)

JERRY: you're making sandwiches?

KRAMER: hello

GEORGE: well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there

KRAMER: who?

GEORGE: Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?

ELAINE: hates it

GEORGE: good thing I asked

JERRY: (to Kramer): who is it?

KRAMER: well she says Jane

JERRY: yeah, so?

KRAMER: well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty

JERRY: did you say flinty?

KRAMER: yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty

[on the rocks]

(Kramer and George are hanging on a rock)

KRAMER: (singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)

ECHO: hello

KRAMER: hey George, hear that?

(George is terrified)

GEORGE: please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!!

(George grabs Kramer's leg)

KRAMER: let go, hey grab the rock

GEORGE: what rock?

KRAMER: the rock

GEORGE: uh oh..

KRAMER: you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..

KRAMER: (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..

TONY: (voice from below) George! Kramer!

KRAMER: yeah!

TONY: take the rope, thread it through the carabiniere and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are

KRAMER: alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)

GEORGE: yeah

TONY: hey George, you got anything to eat dude?

GEORGE: (taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter

(the ropes slides down)

KRAMER: what?

TONY: dude aah.......

(George and Kramer look at each other)

GEORGE & KRAMER: ahh.....!!

[Jerry's]

(Jerry and Jane are eating)

JERRY: oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?

JANE: what?

JERRY: you napkin I'm dripping

JANE: well where is your napkin?

JERRY: I used it up

JANE: well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work

JERRY: you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours

JANE: I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum

JERRY: you're fine (goes to the bathroom)

(buzzer rings)

JANE: oh how does this thing work?

JERRY: just press it

ELAINE: it's Elaine

JANE: oh come on up

JERRY: (coming out from the bathroom) who was it?

JANE: it's Elaine

JERRY: oh..huh.. is she coming up?

JANE: yeah

JERRY: oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.

JANE: ok

JERRY: Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah

(Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)

JANE: hmm

JERRY: have some more, take some for the road.

JANE: isn't it too much?

JERRY: trust me.. nah it's good

JANE: smell?

JERRY: yeah stinks, terrible

(Elaine enters)

JERRY: hi Elaine

ELAINE: hi

JERRY: this is Jane Elaine

ELAINE: hi, nice to meet you finally

JANE: it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night

ELAINE: yeah me too

JANE: ok so I'll see you Saturday night

JERRY: Saturday night (she leaves)

(Jerry shuts the door)

ELAINE: what is with the gum?

JERRY: I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

ELAINE: because of the gum

JERRY: well it's too much, it's embarrassing

ELAINE: why does she have to chew so many?

JERRY: she's one of these people, always have to be different

(on the other side of the door)

(whispering)

GEORGE: she's there, I can hear her

KRAMER: alright, who's gonna tell her

GEORGE: huh you tell her

KRAMER: it was your fault

GEORGE: if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door)

JERRY: well

ELAINE: hey

GEORGE & KRAMER: hey

GEORGE: what are you doing here?

ELAINE: did you have fun

GEORGE & KRAMER: yeah

KRAMER: for a little while

ELAINE: where's Tony?

GEORGE: oh..

KRAMER: uh..

GEORGE: Kramer was supposed to tie a knot

KRAMER: whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot

ELAINE: did something happened?

GEORGE: Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble

ELAINE: his face, did something happen to his face?

KRAMER: well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen

GEORGE: he..he's alive

KRAMER: yeah

ELAINE: what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face

GEORGE: Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..

KRAMER: rock

GEORGE: yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly

KRAMER: it was a big rock

GEORGE: we rode along all the way to the hospital

KRAMER: yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall

(Elaine rushes out)

JERRY: well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?

[Tony's]

ELAINE: so huh, what did the doctors say?

TONY: they said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)

ELAINE: but what else did they say

TONY: well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean

ELAINE: right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that

TONY: I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool

ELAINE: huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?

TONY: I don't know, I don't know

ELAINE: think Tony, think

TONY: I'm drawing a blank, babe

(knock on door)

ELAINE: Excuse me.

(Elaine gets it, it's George)

GEORGE: Hi Elaine

ELAINE: this isn't a very good time George

GEORGE: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)

TONY: step off George, I don't wanna see you

GEORGE: me? "step off"

ELAINE: yeah, Tony says you better step off George

GEORGE: but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine

TONY: just beat it dude!

GEORGE: here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us

TONY: there won't be any next time George

GEORGE: oh Tony don't

ELAINE: ok step off George, can u just step off?

GEORGE: I I just.. but..

ELAINE: Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait

GEORGE: yes?

ELAINE: would you throw this trash out (closes the door)

[Jerry's]

(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)

JERRY: I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

JANE: Oh that is too bad, what a shame

JERRY: yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!

JANE: well maybe he's feeling better

JERRY: yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer

KRAMER: hey

JANE: hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)

KRAMER: well hello Jane

JANE: Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately

KRAMER: (very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy

JERRY: wait, where are you going? where are you going?

KRAMER: uptown, to the Y

JANE: oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?

KRAMER: what about the driver?

JANE: what are you talking about?

JERRY: alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now

JANE: well ok I'll see you later,

JERRY: Ok.

JANE: nice meeting you

JERRY:See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you?

KRAMER: that's her

JERRY: who?

KRAMER: Erika, she's Erika

JERRY: oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman

KRAMER: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her

JERRY: oh you're crazy

KRAMER: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

JERRY: It's impossible

KRAMER: iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?

JERRY: it can't be

KRAMER: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

JERRY: alright that's enough

KRAMER: yeaaaaah!

[Monk's]

ELAINE: he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?

JERRY: what?

ELAINE: you know (acts like a monster)

JERRY: oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead

ELAINE: yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway

JERRY: oh I though you didn't care about his looks

ELAINE: I lied

JERRY: aha

ELAINE: are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry

JERRY: oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?

ELAINE: yeah, yeah

JERRY: hey Kramer

KRAMER: what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set

JERRY: what's all set?

KRAMER: Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth

JERRY: how's you get her to meet here?

KRAMER: I don't know, we have a certain chemistry

(Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling)

JERRY: oh my god

JANE: hi I thought I'd find you here

JERRY: hello.. Erika

JANE: Erika? what are you talking about?

JERRY: how can u say things like that over the phone?

JANE: what things? What are you talking about?

JERRY: selling sexual pleasure over the phone?

JANE: I sell paper goods you jerk

JERRY: paper goods?

ELAINE: excuse me, do you have a tissue?

JANE: No, I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare

(Elaine realizes)

JANE: Where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)

ELAINE: I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs)

[monk's: the bathroom]

JANE: oh damn

ELAINE: something.. wrong?

JANE: yeah there's no toilet paper in here, I usually check but would you mind?

ELAINE: I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

JANE: Hey, wait a minute, I know you

ELAINE: that's right honey, and I know you!

(Elaine gets out and she has an arms full of toilet paper)

JANE: no, no, no!!!

[Monk's]

(Elaine after exiting the bathroom very satisfied, walks towards Jerry and gives him the rolls)

ELAINE: here, take it

JERRY: thanks

JANE: (walks out of the bathroom, very furious; to Jerry) don't call me anymore

(Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands)

(Jane walks by Kramer and turns back)

JANE: (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either

(sticks her tongue out)

(Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouths open)

[Closing monologue]

JERRY: Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going "boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."

The End

S5E13 - The Dinner Party

Broadcast date: February 3, 1994

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Fred Pinkard ...................... Newsstand Guy

Frank Novak ....................... Clerk

Mark Holton ...................... David

Suzy Soro ............................ Barbara

Kathryn Kates .................... Counterwoman

S. Marc Jordan .................... Man in Bakery

Langdon Bensing ................ Man on Street

Sayed Badreya ................... Foreign Man

Amjad J. Oaisen ................. Hussein

Roger Eschbacher .............. Man with Cane

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

It is my opinion that we never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. Now every body goes “I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee!” I think we all would have been a lot happier if we hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every whining, complaining, SOB on the face of the earth."

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine is touching up her make-up at the table)

ELAINE: Hey, do you believe I got Happy New Yeared today? It's February.

JERRY: I once got Happy New Yeared in March.

ELAINE: It's disgusting.

JERRY: It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?

ELAINE: Really cold.

JERRY: Scary cold.

ELAINE: I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?

(George enters in Gore-Tex jacket -- it’s huge/all puffed out)

JERRY: That. (pointing at George)

ELAINE: (Laughing as she says it) What is that, ha?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: When did you get that?

GEORGE: This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?

JERRY: You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

(George turns and closes the apartment door)

ELAINE: Hey, you can't even turn around in that thing.

JERRY: Look at this

(They both start hitting George’s jacket a lot)

ELAINE: Hey George, can you feel this? Can you ...

(George stands there, looking at them as they continue hitting his jacket)

GEORGE: All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.

ELAINE: Oh listen we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.

JERRY: Yeah. (pointing at Elaine as he goes into the bedroom)

GEORGE: What for?

ELAINE: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.

GEORGE: Why?

ELAINE: Because it's rude, otherwise.

GEORGE: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?

ELAINE: Yes.

GEORGE: So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. Ttst --You see what I'm saying?

JERRY: The fabric of society is very complex George.

GEORGE: I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.

ELAINE: Ya can't bring Pepsi. (Elaine starts putting on her coat and gloves)

GEORGE: Why not?

ELAINE: Because we're adults?

GEORGE: You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh (snort), no way wine is better than Pepsi.

JERRY: I tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.

GEORGE: I just don't like the idea that any time there’s a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.

JERRY: You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: All right, let's go. Who's driving? (claps his hands and rubs them together)

JERRY: You are. I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)

KRAMER: Uh huh.

[In Kramer's car]

JERRY: Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Just give me a little squeeze.

ELAINE: Jerry get off of me. Get off of ME! Get off, Get off of Me!

KRAMER hehehehehe (low tone chuckle)

GEORGE: Hehehehehe (higher tone laugh, though still quietly )

JERRY: You're pretty comfortable up there eh, Bubble boy?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

ELAINE: You know, I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.

GEORGE: Oh, here we go...

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Why don't we get them a couch? (Kramer laughs) We’ll rent a U-haul -- we’ll bring ‘em a nice sectional.

KRAMER: (low tone)Yeahhehehehe

ELAINE: We should bring some cake. Will you stop off at the bakery?

KRAMER: (low tone) All right, yeah.

GEORGE: Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store?

ELAINE: Ring Dings?

GEORGE: Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you're gonna get at a bakery.

KRAMER: Ooooh I like Ring Dings.

ELAINE: George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

KRAMER: HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! (shouting out the window)

GEORGE: (to Kramer) It's a funeral procession. . . . (to Elaine) And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . .

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, that’s the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.

KRAMER: (low tone) All right.

ELAINE: Okay, let me out. You, eh, whatever your name is…

JERRY: Jerry.

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, Jerry -- come with me.

KRAMER: Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.

ELAINE: Yeah.

KRAMER: All right

[The Royal Bakery]

ELAINE: Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.

JERRY: Mmm. Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie.

ELAINE: Mmm.

JERRY: I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing isn't it?

ELAINE: You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

JERRY: I'm looking forward to it.

ELAINE: Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.

JERRY: Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?

ELAINE: CHOCOLATE BABKA! That's their specialty.

JERRY: Love that babka.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah!

JERRY: So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.

(holding an imaginary box by the string - pinky finger extended)

ELAINE: You think it's effeminate?

JERRY: It's a tad dainty.

ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

JERRY: Oh, see that's not fair. We-We were here ahead of all these people.

ELAINE: I-cu-di-ge--You think I should go and ask her for hers?

JERRY: Ah, no, forget it.

ELAINE: No, no no no, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here, and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask ‘em. Come on. . . . Excuse me.

[Kramer's car]

KRAMER: (exhales) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?

GEORGE: Ah, Just double park.

KRAMER: No, no.

GEORGE: Why not?

KRAMER: I'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?

GEORGE: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give ‘em up.

KRAMER: That's a fallacy.

GEORGE: All right, I'll tell you what... why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?

KRAMER: Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?

GEORGE: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.

KRAMER: So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heat 'll be on.

GEORGE: Does the heater even work in this car?

KRAMER: No.

GEORGE: Oh, Hey, eh, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see

KRAMER: I see.

GEORGE: You see, hu, ho ho.

[Royal Bakery]

ELAINE: But we were here ahead of you.

BARBARA: How do I know that?

JERRY: Well we saw you come in.

DAVID: Well, that's easy for you to say.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

CLERK: 46?

ELAINE: Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?

BARBARA: Yes.

ELAINE: Oh my god. I, I know you. I-I’m, I'm Elaine Benes. Do you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.

BARBARA: I'm on my way over there right now.

ELAINE: Yeah me too.

DAVID: You're Jerry right?

JERRY: David!

(Jerry and David put their hands to their respective chins, thinking about the situation)

ELAINE: Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?

BARBARA: Yes it is.

ELAINE: You know we were here, ahead of you.

BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.

JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.

CLERK: 47!

BARBARA: That’s Us.

ELAINE: Ohhh, OK, fine, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.

BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . (turns to the counter) I'll have the chocolate babka.

CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.

(Elaine and Jerry’s knees buckle and both have an anguished look when they hear about the last chocolate babka)

[Liquor Store]

GEORGE: Alright, what are we getting? It's hot in here!

(Kramer looking around the store at the wines, he smacks his hands together and rubs)

KRAMER: Ooo, What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?

GEORGE: What's that?

KRAMER: Well its a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais -- which is richer and fruitier. Ahh, here's one. Twelve dollars.

GEORGE: Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they’re not getting no twelve dollar cake.

KRAMER: All right look, I am going to have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.

(George swaggers over to Kramer)

GEORGE: . . . Why not?

KRAMER: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My Osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter. (makes a motion with his hips)

GEORGE: "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? (pulls out his wallet)

KRAMER: I never take it.

GEORGE: So what do you do?

KRAMER: Oh, I get by.

[Royal Bakery]

BARBARA: See you later (exits with the babka)

ELAINE & JERRY: See you later.

JERRY: That's the last babka. They got the last babka.

ELAINE: I know. They're going in first with the last babka.

JERRY: That was our babka.

ELAINE: You can't beat a babka.

JERRY: We had that babka.

ELAINE: (exhales) They're going to be heroes.

JERRY: Well what are we going to do now. If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.

ELAINE: Well how about a carrot cake?

JERRY: Carrot cake? Now w-why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.

ELAINE: Black Forrest?

JERRY: Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.

JERRY: How about a Napoleon?

ELAINE: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.

JERRY: That was our babka. We had that babka!

ELAINE: What's this one?

CLERK: That, Cinnamon Babka.

ELAINE: (gasp)

JERRY: Another babka?

CLERK: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.

JERRY: Well-well we got to get the cinnamon.

ELAINE: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

JERRY: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka - I think not.

CLERK: 49?

ELAINE: I'll have a cinnamon babka.

JERRY: … and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!

(Jerry puts up the 2 finger peace sign and smiles)

[Liquor store]

(The clerk puts the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and sets it on the counter)

CLERK: That’ll be 13.05

GEORGE: All right here you go.

KRAMER: Yeuu.

CLERK: A hundred? I can't change that.

GEORGE: You can't - huhu, All right let's go.

KRAMER: Wait a second. I can get change.

(Kramer and George walk out to the sidewalk.)

[Out on the street]

KRAMER: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?

GEORGE: Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You'll get us killed!

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.

KRAMER: Alright, Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.

GEORGE: I am not buying something just to get change.

KRAMER: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.

(Kramer buttons his jacket up and goes over to the news stand, George stands there for a second then goes over.)

(At the News stand)

GEORGE: All right, what are we doing?

KRAMER: Just get some gum or something.

(George pick up the gum)

GEORGE: Pack of gum. Here you go. (hands the clerk a $100 bill)

CLERK: What is it a hundred? I can't change a hundred.

GEORGE: Why not?

CLERK: You got to buy more than that.

KRAMER: Here, get a newspaper. (Kramer hands George a Newspaper)

GEORGE: Newspaper.

CLERK: Not enough.

KRAMER: Clark Bar. (Kramer starts tearing the candy wrapper open with his teeth.)

GEORGE: Clark Bar.

CLERK: Keep going.

GEORGE: We’re up to two dollars here.

KRAMER: Here, George, get a Penthouse Forum.

GEORGE: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.

(George grabs the Forum and walks a few steps over by the magazines -- Kramer follows him )

KRAMER: Why? No, that’ll make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.

GEORGE: Oh, that's nice.

(Kramer takes a bite of the Clark Bar)

KRAMER: Come on, did you ever read one of these?

(Kramer take the forum from George and starts to leaf through it)

GEORGE: It's not real. They're all made up.

KRAMER: Ohh, it's real.

GEORGE: Well you know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! (grabs the forum from Kramer and walks over to the clerk) . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.

(Kramer takes the forum back and starts reading, he takes a bite of the Clark bar.)

CLERK: 6.75.

GEORGE: Ah, great. All right, with the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.

KRAMER: All right, all right.

(A man bumps ito George)

MAN1: (gibberish Arabic yelling) ...Big Coat! Big Coat!

GEORGE: Yes, I’m Sorry, it's a new coat. It-it's Gore-Tex.

KRAMER: You better be careful with that thing... You'll start a war.

[Royal Bakery]

(Jerry and Elaine are waiting in line, Jerry takes a bite of his cookie and then speaks)

JERRY: Uhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than, vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only Look to the Cookie -- all our problems would be solved.

ELAINE: Well your views on race relations are just, fascinating. You really should do an Op-Ed piece for the Times. (Op-Ed stands for Opinions and Editorials)

JERRY: Hmm. Look to the cookie Elaine... Look to the cookie.

(Jerry sees a black man on the other side of the bakery eating the same cookie -- Jerry raises his cookie up and so does the man -- in a moment of racial harmony & unity to which he just spoke of.)

ELAINE: (looking in the box) Well what is this?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: It's a hair.

JERRY: Oh, oh take it back. Let's get another one.

ELAINE: No, we're late as it is. I'll just take it off.

JERRY: No no come on really, get another one. It’ll take a second.

ELAINE: Alright, alright.

(they walk back up to the counter)

ELAINE: Excuse me.

Man: Hey hey, I'm on line here.

ELAINE: No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a (quietly) hair on it.

CLERK: You have to take a number.

ELAINE: We waited fifteen minutes for this. Tst - YOU SELL ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) you’re gonna wait now?

JERRY: Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.

ELAINE: Well it was a little hair. I took it off.

JERRY: A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?

ELAINE: What if it's your hair?

JERRY: What if it's your hair?

ELAINE: (Wh-wh) What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.

JERRY: Who needs that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof - takes your roots out. (pretends to pull hair out)

ELAINE: Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.

JERRY: Well, maybe we should just forget about the cake?

ELAINE: No I'm bringing cake! (looking worried and apprehensive)

[Liquor store]

GEORGE: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Whoopee Whoa! Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!

(George picks up the bottle of wine from the counter. George and Kramer start walking to the door)

KRAMER: (reading from the Penthouse Forum) "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true…" (exits to street) " A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was…"

GEORGE: L-Look at this?

KRAMER: Ahh.

GEORGE: Somebody double parked and blocked us in. D-DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. Ohh-oh brother. No, no note. Can you believe this?

KRAMER: "…well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out…." (turns the page)

[Still on street but much later -- it’s night]

GEORGE: I really can not comprehend how stupid people could be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?

KRAMER: No, no I can't comprehend it?

GEORGE: I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?

KRAMER: Well yeah, yeah. He could build the rocket, but-but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.

GEORGE: So you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking.

KRAMER: Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?

GEORGE: Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. Yeah this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot?

KRAMER: How about Idi Amin, huh?

GEORGE: I’ll tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parkers. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!

KRAMER: Are those shoes comfortable?

GEORGE: No not really.

KRAMER: Cause they look comfortable.

GEORGE: I know that's why I bought `em but they're not comfortable.

[Royal Bakery]

ELAINE: Why couldn't we just take the hair off and go?

JERRY: No. That’s out of the question.

ELAINE: Whhhy?

JERRY: Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: I'd rather not talk about it.

ELAINE: You can't tell me?

JERRY: All right . . . . I once found a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.

(*Farina: A meal or flour obtained chiefly from cereals, nuts, potatoes or Indian Corn, and used as a breakfast food.)

ELAINE: You found a hair in your Farina?

JERRY: Yeah.

CLERK’S VOICE (off camera): 56

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: Well I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. And like I was little but I could run very fast. And I-I just kept running (In the background -- CLERK’S VOICE: 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.

ELAINE: (quietly) Wow. Who's hair was it?

(In the background -- the Clerk is coughing)

JERRY: My mother's.

ELAINE: (quietly) Ahhhhh

CLERK: 58!

ELAINE: Ooo, That's us. (hits Jerry in the arm)

JERRY: Oh, good.

(Elaine and Jerry walk up to the counter. She sets the box on the counter with a thud)

ELAINE: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. We'd like another one.

CLERK: (coughing and coughing, getting really bad)

JERRY: Oh, that's lovely.

ELAINE: Ah,

JERRY: That’s what you want to see, yeah. . . . Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm.

(coughing and coughing)

JERRY: Yeah that’s a good deal -- you win the Pennant with that trade, hair for phlegm.

CLERK: Here you are. (hands Elaine the cake box)

ELAINE: Okay. Alright we got the cake now. Where is George and Kramer?

[on street outside Liquor Store]

(honking -- honk, honk honk honk, honk)

KRAMER: HEY DOUBLE-PARKER! (honk, honk) SHOW YOURSELF. (honk, honk) COME ON OUT, I’M FREEZING! (honk, honk)

GEORGE: We are really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.

KRAMER: Why?

GEORGE: You know -- Elaine.

KRAMER: What about her?

GEORGE: . . . I'm a little scared of her.

KRAMER: You're scared of Elaine?

GEORGE: Yes!

KRAMER: Why?

GEORGE: Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late cause I bought a Panama hat -- she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.

KRAMER: Hey, let's go inside the liquor store. I’m freezin in here.

GEORGE: Why didn't you just wear a heavier coat?

KRAMER: Because I wanted to look good for the party.

(they get out of the car and see a man and woman walking towards the double parked car . George goes right up to the man.)

GEORGE: Oh, Hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice. You know we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people?! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!

MAN2: Back off Puff Ball it's not my car! (shoving George’s shoulder, he turns and walks away)

GEORGE: I wasn't talking to you.

[Royal Bakery]

(Jerry and Elaine sit inside waiting for George and Kramer to show up)

ELAINE: Wait `til I get my hands on that George. I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head... tie the strings, and suffocate. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.

JERRY: Huh, wa?

ELAINE: What's the matter with you?

JERRY: I don’t know, I don't feel so good.

ELAINE: What's wrong?

JERRY: My stomach, I , think it was that cookie.

ELAINE: The black and white?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Not getting’ along?

JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.

ELAINE: (mocking - in a dopey voice) “Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?”

JERRY: Oh my stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

ELAINE: Wait, what about your vomit streak?

JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.

(A man with cane turns from the counter and puts the cane on Elaine's foot)

ELAINE: Oh, oh! Ooh my god. Oh!

MAN3: Sooory.

ELAINE: Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC!… (the man turns and walks away)

ELAINE: (con’t) ...uh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) W-Where're you going?

JERRY: Fourteen years down the drain. (points and walks off -- to the bathroom)

[Liquor Store]

GEORGE: Do you think chickens have individual personalities?

KRAMER: (shivering) I don't know.

GEORGE: If you had like five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Bak, bak, baak, bak? Cause if they have individual personalities I’m not sure we should be eaten `em. What's the matter with you?

KRAMER: (shivering gibberish) Waj cha jia ja

CLERK: Can I help you guys with anything?

GEORGE: Oh, no no no -- We bought the wine here before, but now, you know we're bl-blocked in by some car double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.

CLERK: Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout.

GEORGE: But my friend here has hypothermia.

KRAMER: (shivering) Hypothermia.

CLERK: All right guys, take it outside.

(George turns and knocks into a wine display -- breaking several bottles)

CLERK: You're paying for these.

(Krames slips on the wine and falls)

[Royal bakery]

(Elaine tending to her foot, Jerry emerges)

ELAINE: How was it?

JERRY: As good as it gets.

[Outside Liquor Store]

(Kramer and George standing outside freezing)

GEORGE: You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It’s worth a hell of a lot more than that, cheap Chardonnay.

KRAMER: (shivering) You know I'm freezin. I’m definitely freezin. I can't stop shaking.

GEORGE: I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car.

(Kramer grabs George's arm and motions towards a man headed for the double parked car. He has a large mustache and is wearing a long overcoat and a beret)

KRAMER: (quietly) L-l (look)

GEORGE: Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. The dictator.

MAN4: I wouldn't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. (waves to George and Kramer as they wave back at him.)

[Royal bakery]

(Jerry sitting next to Elaine, who is tending to her injured foot)

CLERK: Can I get’ca anything else?

JERRY: Oh, no thanks.

CLERK: How about a nice box of "scram".

(George enters - Jerry nudges Elaine with his elbow and points at George)

GEORGE: S-s-somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He eh, had a British accent though.

(Elaine and Jerry stand up slowly)

GEORGE: What, what happened to you?

ELAINE: Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your...

JERRY: Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is the smell? Is-ya, What are you drunk?

GEORGE: I had to give it to the liquor store guy.

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: I spilled some Chardonnay. So, what did you get?

(they start walking to the door, Elaine is limping and in some pain)

ELAINE: Cinnamon babka.

GEORGE: Cinnamon? Why didn't ‘cha get chocolate?

(Elaine shoots a quick look at George)

JERRY: George!

[In the car]

(All four riding in silence, Kramer is still shivering)

[Apartment #7]

(Elaine knocks 3 times on the door. The door opens)

ELAINE: Here, here's your cake. (just about tosses it at the woman)

GEORGE: And your wine.

ELAINE: See ya'.

JERRY: See ya'.

(all four turn and walk off. The woman stands there looking confused, holding the wine and cake box.)

[Closing Monologue]

I heard a weather man say, that, 75% of your body heat is actually lost, through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like the hat with the flaps. The hat with the flaps (grabs the hat and holds it up), makes a statement that no, that no other, hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull than anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. I mean your lawyer should really insist on it. He should just go “Your honor, (puts on the hat) The defense rests."

The End

S5E14 - The Marine Biologist

Broadcast date: February 10, 1994

Written by Ron Hague & Charlie Rubin

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Carol Kane ........................... Corinne

George Murdock .................. Testikov

Rosalind Allen ....................... Diane

David Blackwood .................. Hotel Clerk

Heather Morgan ................... Woman on Beach

Larry David ............................ Man on Beach (uncredited)

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: Richard Fancy .................. Lippman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: I love these nature shows, I’ll watch and kind of nature show, and it’s amazing how you can always relate, to whatever they’re talking about. You know like you’re watching the African Dung Beetle and you’re going “Boy, his life is a lot like mine.” And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week -- like if it’s the antelope, and there’s a lion chasing the antelope you go, “Run antelope Run! Use your Speed, Get away!” But the next week it’s the lion, and then you go “Get the antelope, eat him, bite his head! -- Trap him, don’t let him use his speed!”

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone)

ELAINE: (to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting?

(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)

JERRY: Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him… Golden Boy.

(Jerry unfurls the shirt and holds it up for Elaine to see)

ELAINE: Yeah, I'm on the phone here.

JERRY: Golden Boy’s always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here... touch Golden Boy!

ELAINE: No thanks. (to the phone) Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.

JERRY: But see look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.

ELAINE: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?

JERRY: No!!! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!

(Elaine is suddenly excited)

ELAINE: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! that’s fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK, OK I'll be in soon! yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming! OK bye. (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!

JERRY: The guy who’s in the gulag?!

ELAINE: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!

JERRY: You wanna barrow Golden Boy!

ELAINE: Oh! (pushing Jerry) Do you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!

JERRY: Hey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War--What Is It Good For?"!

ELAINE: ... (looking at Jerry for a second then, mockingly nods her head back and forth) ....Ha ha ha ha.

JERRY: No, no… I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!

ELAINE: But it's a line from that song!

JERRY: That's were they got it from!

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: I'm not joking!

(George enters with a handful of mail, pauses, and takes a wide stance in a semi-dramatic fashion)

GEORGE: … You can't handle the truth! (he salutes) (imitating Jack Nicholson [a.k.a. Col. Nathan R. Jessep], from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men)

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: (still in Jack’s voice) I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth! (he salutes)

ELAINE: What is this your mail? (She takes a magazine and starts flipping through it)

GEORGE: Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out, I don't want my mother reading it.

ELAINE: Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.

JERRY: Your mother reads your mail?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: What do you mean like post-cards an...?

GEORGE: No, anything.

JERRY: She doesn't open...?

GEORGE: She'll open!

JERRY: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: What did she say?

GEORGE: I was curious! (imitating his mom’s voice)

JERRY: Isn't that against the law?

GEORGE: Maybe I can get her locked up.

ELAINE: (gasp) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on "David Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called "Jerry" ...that was not picked up. Georgie, how come there’s not anything about you in here?

JERRY: He can't handle the truth!

ELAINE: All right… (slaps the magazine down on the counter) this is too much fun, I gotta get back to work. (heads for the door)

[Shot of Kramer from behind, walking in the hallway to his apartment door, he is getting his keys out and carrying a golf bag full of clubs over his shoulder]

KRAMER: (singing) Johnny Yuma was a rebel, Yeah! ...

(Kramer makes a wide turn towards his door to put the key in, and in the process, the golf bag knocks into Elaine as she leaves Jerry’s apartment.)

KRAMER: Are you all right?

ELAINE: Yeah. (startled)

KRAMER: Unh.... Sorry.

ELAINE: It’s OK. (starts walking down the hallway)

KRAMER: Yeah. Oh, here, wait wait (walks a few steps to catch up to her as she stops) Ah, maybe you could ah, use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, it's a electronic organizer...

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Ah, Yeah. uh...

ELAINE: Wh..?

KRAMER: Yeah, here it is... yeah.

(Elaine Gasps)

KRAMER: You know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.

ELAINE: Wow!

KRAMER: It's got an alarm that beeps!

ELAINE: Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer!

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure that...

(Kramer drops a piece of paper. He bends over to pick it up -- clubs slide down and golf balls drops everywhere)

ELAINE: ...Are you sure you can't use this thing?

KRAMER: No no no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)

ELAINE: Where'd you get this?

KRAMER: Well, the bank, I opened up a new account.

[Back inside Jerry's apartment - George comes out of the bathroom as Jerry, standing at the table, reads the paper]

GEORGE: Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: I am such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!

JERRY: It's a mammal.

GEORGE: Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?

JERRY: Yeah, got it from the bank.

(Kramer enters without his golf bag)

KRAMER: (overly excited) Hey (Claps hands one time)

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

KRAMER: (still overly excited) Who wants to have some fun!

JERRY: I do.

GEORGE: I do.

KRAMER: (once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!

JERRY: I really wanna have fun.

GEORGE: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.

KRAMER: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way… and hit `em-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this.... we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp!

GEORGE: Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?

JERRY: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.

GEORGE: Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.

(Kramer gets ready to make another imaginary swing)

GEORGE: Keep your head down.

KRAMER: Yeah! (Kramer takes a huge imaginary swing)

[At the ATM Jerry is getting some money -- there is a woman at the ATM to his right]

JERRY: (he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key) … no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt.... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!

(Jerry starts to walk away)

DIANE: Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah.

DIANE: It’s Diane, Diane DeConn, from Queens college.

JERRY: Oh Diane.

DIANE: (laughing a little) How are you?

JERRY: Good, good.

DIANE: (sighs) How long has it been?

JERRY: Since college.

DIANE: Huh. I've been seeing you on TV you're doin' great.

JERRY: Yeah pluggin' along.

DIANE: You know I got the Alumni magazine. What ever happened to your friend George? I notice I never see his name in there.

JERRY: Well he's kind of modest.

DIANE: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?

JERRY: Sure.

DIANE: Yeah? What field?

JERRY: Marine biology.

DIANE: George is a marine biologist?!

JERRY: Yeah, pretty damn good one, too!

DIANE: I can't believe it. I-I would never had thought…

JERRY: Yeah... he’s specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level, in whales… all that blubber -- quite unhealthy. You know it’s the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they don't have to be."

[In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting in the booth and talking]

GEORGE: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!

JERRY: Something huh?

GEORGE: Ahh! How'd she look?

JERRY: She looked great.

GEORGE: Ahh! (closes his eyes and rolling his head back) Umh!

JERRY: She asked about you.

GEORGE: She asked about me? What did- What did she say?

JERRY: "How's George?"

GEORGE: George! She said George? She remembered my name. (loudly -- to a passing waitress and the rest of the restaurant) Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!

JERRY: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.

GEORGE: (pauses for a few seconds) …OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.

JERRY: I got no problem with that.

GEORGE: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game… we're finished!

JERRY: Expect a call.

GEORGE: Oh my god he's not kidding. (exhale gasp)

JERRY: Now, I should tell you… that, at this point, she's under the impression that you’re - a - ah…

GEORGE: A what?

JERRY: A marine biologist.

GEORGE: (pauses) A marine biologist?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: Why am I a marine biologist?

JERRY: I may have mentioned it.

GEORGE: But I'm not a marine biologist!

JERRY: Yes I know that.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: Why, you don't think it's a good job?

GEORGE: I didn't even know it was a job.

JERRY: Oh it's a fascinating field!

GEORGE: Well what if she calls me? What am I supposed to say?! (hand hits the table)

[Dusk -- In George's parent's house... George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to Diane on the phone]

GEORGE: Algae,… obviously plankton, hmhm. I don't know what else I could tell ya, ah, Oh I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.

[Limo driving on the street -- then inside the limo: Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin']

LIPPMAN: We have got you in a very nice hotel, I-I don't know how you like to work, but ah, I can arrange for an office if you like.

TESTIKOV: (Russian accent) I work in hotel.

LIPPMAN: Oh.

TESTIKOV: … is better.

(Elaine gestures towards Testikov, she nods in agreement -- trying to tell Lippman, she quietly says he’ll work at the hotel -- of course he just heard it directly from Testikov)

TESTIKOV: Away from all your little petty bickerings and interference.

LIPPMAN: You know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.

TESTIKOV: (proudly) He did not need inspiration… God spoke through his pen. Hu Hu Hu (pounds his fist lightly on his heart)

ELAINE: Ohh, That is so true! (clutches her hands to her chest)

LIPPMAN: Yes.

ELAINE: Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it was published under it's original title "War---What Is It Good For?"

LIPPMAN: What?

ELAINE: Yeah. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted that he call it…

LIPPMAN: Elaine…

[Background cars: Honk Honk]

ELAINE: "War and Peace."

LIPPMAN: Elaine…

ELAINE: "War--What Is It Good For." (sings) Absolutely nothin' HUH! Say it Again! ahehehehe

TESTIKOV: (quietly) Ahhuuh

ELAINE: (spoken to Testikov) that's a song …

LIPPMAN: It… (frustrated and trying to keep her from saying more)

ELAINE: …they-they took it from Tolstoy.

LIPPMAN: No. e-Elaine.

(Elaine's organizer starts beeping)

TESTIKOV: War--What Is It Good For?

LIPPMAN: It-no- it's just her sense of humor.

ELAINE: No it’s not. That really is true.

TESTIKOV: What is that noise!

LIPPMAN: It’s Not…

ELAINE: Yes it is…

LIPPMAN: No It’s Not!!

TESTIKOV: That noise! …

LIPPMAN: it-it-it’s her purse.

TESTIKOV: Where is that noise? It’s traveling up my spine! Into my Brain!

ELAINE: Oh, I…

LIPPMAN: It's coming from your purse.

ELAINE: Oh… It must be my new organizer.

TESTIKOV: That noise! …

LIPPMAN: Yes…Turn it off.

ELAINE: Right, I think it’s this…

LIPPMAN: No it’s the Button. Elaine…

TESTIKOV: I can not stand it!

LIPPMAN: It's the button at the top, the top.

ELAINE: OK. I don’t quite know…

TESTIKOV: Will you Turn it off!

LIPPMAN: The one at the top.

ELAINE: Yeah, I’m gonna work on that…

TESTIKOV: Aaach!

(Testikov grabs the organizer and throws it out the window of the limo)

LIPPMAN: Yeah… Ohoo.

[On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He takes a big swing and misses. He looks for the ball in the air and the realizes that it’s still on the ground.]

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: I did it for you.

GEORGE: I don’t know what’cha had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.

JERRY: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.

GEORGE: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.

JERRY: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and…

GEORGE: Look, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I-I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I-I-I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.

(Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs -- kicks the bag hard) I don't want em!

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!

JERRY: Well what happened?

KRAMER: I have no concentration!

(Kramer starts to brush his hands at the back of his neck and scratch his body)

JERRY: What, what, what's wrong with you?

KRAMER: Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (he sits at the table, looking down his shirt) Look there’s still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!

(He empties his pocket and a bunch of sand falls out)

JERRY: Hey come on, you're getting it all over the floor!

(Kramer gets sand in his eye, as he puts his hands to his eyes he falls over on to the floor. Then the phone rings -- George picks up the receiver and, without even looking, tosses it to Jerry)

JERRY: (to the phone) Hello… yeah… yes it is… really… ah, ah… Could you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.

GEORGE: How'd she find it?

JERRY: She’s waking down the street and it hit her in the head!

[Monk's where Jerry and Corinne (the woman he was talking with on the phone) are sitting in the booth ]

CORINNE: So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head.

JERRY: Wow.

CORINNE: Yeah, So they took me to the hospital…

JERRY: Yeah…

CORINNE: …and they put me in this thing, that feels like a coffin, for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!

JERRY: Well you have insurance...

CORINNE: I wish!

JERRY: Unbelievable!

CORINNE: Yeah.

(Organizer beeps)

JERRY: What is with this thing.

CORINNE: (hits the organizer) I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you could see why I would be interested in finding this person.

JERRY: Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.

(Organizer beeps again)

CORINNE: (hits the organizer, picks it up and hits it on to the table -- shouting) Stop it! Stop it!

JERRY: Let me have a look at this thing.

CORINNE: Ya know it was somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine.

JERRY: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.

CORINNE: Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.

JERRY: I would like to know what my name’s doin in this creep's organizer to begin with.

CORINNE: Yeah.

JERRY: Who do I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday anyway. Uhh-O h-owow!

[Exterior of Jerry and Kramer’s building, then in the hallway -- Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers -- his right elbow is way up above his head and his arm is down his back as he is still itching cause of the sand]

KRAMER: Wha-- Oh, hey.

ELAINE: Hey, "great" organizer you gave me.

KRAMER: Oh, you liked it huh.

ELAINE: It wouldn't stop beeping, in the car so Testikov, through it out the window.

KRAMER: Oh. (continuing to itch and scratch from the sand)

ELAINE: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.

(flapping his shirt vigorusly to get the sand out)

ELAINE: What, what is it?

KRAMER: The sand, it's everywhere! (blows on his arm)

ELAINE: OK I'll see you later.

KRAMER: Yei-

(Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)

JERRY: Oh, there you are!

ELAINE: There you are!

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: So?

JERRY: So what do you have to say for yourself?

ELAINE: So what do you have to say for yourself?

(Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)

JERRY: Why should I have anything for say for myself?

ELAINE: "War-- What is it good for?"!

JERRY: A-Ahahahahah. Who told you?

ELAINE: A-hu hu hu hu. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hellooo!

JERRY: You told Testikov, (Elaine nods) that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What Is IT Good For?"?

ELAINE: Uh-hu. And do you know what happened?

JERRY: Can I take a guess?

ELAINE: Oh, Please.

JERRY: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?

(Elaine pushes Jerry)

ELAINE: What, how did you know that?

JERRY: Because I know who has it.

ELAINE: (gasps) How did you find it?

JERRY: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name, called me up, and we met!

ELAINE: (gasps) Where is it, give it to me!

JERRY: I don't have it!

ELAINE: Why not.

JERRY: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.

ELAINE: But I didn't do it. Testikov did it, he should pay for it!

JERRY: How much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?

ELAINE: One million.

JERRY: Well that's a start.

[George and Diane are walking on the beach]

GEORGE: Then of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.

DIANE: Uh-Really?

GEORGE: Yeah, but if you still look closely you can see ah, a little bump where the nose use to be. huhuhuhu.

DIANE: Wow.

GEORGE: But enough about fish, huhuhu. I can discuss other things you know, ah… architecture. Huhu. (makes a wide gesture with his arms)

[At the hotel that Testikov is staying at]

JERRY: You know what room Testikov's in?

ELAINE: Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!

JERRY: Well, you want your organizer back don't you?

ELAINE: Why are you so interested -- you want to take her out?

JERRY: Hey you know when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!

ELAINE: Well, you're not Superman.

JERRY: Well you're not Lois Lane.

ELAINE: Oh. Listen, you got the tape-recorder.

JERRY: Yeah I got it. You sure you want to do this? (hands Elaine the tape recorder.)

ELAINE: Yeah I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not gonna pay for it.

JERRY: Oh, here she comes.

(Corinne enters through the hotel’s revolving door)

JERRY: Hi.

CORINNE: Hi.

JERRY: Elaine, this is Corinne.

CORINNE: Hello.

ELAINE: Hi, (sighs) you got the organizer?

(The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show the organizer in her inside coat pocket)

JERRY: All right lets go. We'll meet you back down here in ten minutes, hopefully with the money.

[At the beach George and Diane are still walking]

DIANE: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.

GEORGE: Oh, they're busting!

DIANE: Hmhm.

(There is a large crowd of men and women looking and pointing into the ocean)

DIANE: What are those people doing over there?

[Exterior shot of the hotel, then In Testikov's hotel room there are five quick knocks at the door. He holds the manuscript in his left arm. Leaning over a bit, and with his right hand, opens the door slightly to see who is waiting -- it is Jerry and Elaine. Then he opens the door wide]

TESTIKOV: (In a loud and cranky voice) What, Come in - come in - Come in Miss Benes! That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment?

(Testikov goes to get a drink while Elaine is talking -- his back to them as he downs the full drink)

ELAINE: Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. Um, he accompanied me, ya know (clears throat), single women in a big city can be dangerous, so…

JERRY: Yeah. Th-That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble -- Zip, I'm gone. (makes a running motion with both arms and his right foot)

TESTIKOV: Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. All the Americans with the sneakers. Always running from something. Ya ya, well Sit, stop running, Ehh. two minutes, I give you latest manuscript!

(They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from the coffee table)

JERRY: Oh! Rimsky -- great great book if I may say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.

ELAINE: Hmm. (she nods in agreement)

[Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer is still beeping]

CORINNE: What!

HOTEL CLERK: If you can't thing off, I'll have to ask you to leave.

CORINNE: I'm waitin for two people! (takes a drag on the cigarette)

HOTEL CLERK: Well you can wait for them outside.

CORINNE: Yeah, (she blows smoke out as she speaks -- it rises as in front of her) I guess I'd better. I wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers!

HOTEL CLERK: All right, All right. Out, Out.

CORINNE: Whatever you say, Cro..w-well!

(she exits through the hotel’s revolving door, the organizer continues to beep)

[On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd]

DIANE: What's going on over here?

WOMAN AT BEACH: There is a beached whale, she's dying.

VOICE: Is anyone here a marine biologist?

(Diane looks at George as he turns slowly towards her realizing the irony of the situation he is in.)

[Upwards view of the exterior of the hotel, then in Testikov's room]

TESTIKOV: Here is latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same day. (smacks the manuscript into Elaine’s hand) On time please.

ELAINE: (quietly) OK.

JERRY: It was nice meeting you…

TESTIKOV: Aah.

JERRY: … you’re a real pleasure. (Jerry is being sarcastic)

TESTIKOV: Ya ya. (wipes his nose with a handkerchief)

(Elaine and Jerry take a few steps towards the door, as Jerry turns to her and motions with his hand to ask Testikov about the organizer incident. They stop and turn back.)

ELAINE: Uh-Oh-ah, by the way Mr. Testikov um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and ah, my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?

TESTIKOV: (quietly) yes. How could I forget? heehe.

ELAINE: ( laughs) Well um, would you believe that it actually, hit somebody in the head.

JERRY: Right in the head! (leans in and points at Testikov)

(The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak)

ELAINE: Boing! Hehe hehe. (makes a hand gesture to her forehead and away)

(The tape-recorder is squeaking much louder as it rewinds)

TESTIKOV: (Shouting) What is that noise!

ELAINE: Oh that’s nothing. Um and anyway um…

TESTIKOV: What’s going on Huh! (he grabs Elaine’s purse) That Noise!…

ELAINE: No, No that's my purse!

TESTIKOV: That Noise!

(Jerry watches the action as he rubs his hand on the top of his head)

ELAINE: No, get-get off my purse!

TESTIKOV: Agh, it’s recorder!

(He pulls out the recorder)

ELAINE: No that's… Radio!

TESTIKOV: Ha! (he clicks the player off) You are spying on me!

(Elaine bites her finger as Testikov throws the recorder out of the hotel window -- from below, we see the recorder falling -- with blue sky above it. The sound of the tape playing in fast motion as it falls (odd, because Testikov had turned the player off. --

[Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see the tape-recorder falling towards her. A sound indicates that it hits her in the head]

[Newman is strolling down the street whistling. Kramer is standing at his open window, knocking his boot on the window sill trying to get the sand out but he drops it. A high pitched sound and a shot of the falling boot as Newman stops and looks up -- and he yells as the boot is obviously about to hit him in the head]

[At the beach everyone is yelling at George]

CROWD: Come on! Save the whale! You gotta do it!

DIANE: Save the whale George... for me.

(George turns and slowly walks towards the ocean with a determined look. He takes off his hat and throws it down. He walks into the ocean -- his pant legs are rolled up)

[At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story]

GEORGE: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on -- and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment … I was a Marine Biologist!

(Elaine enters and sits down)

ELAINE: George I’ve just reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!

GEORGE: I know I was just telling them the story.

KRAMER: Well come on George, finish the story.

GEORGE: The sea was angry that day my friends… like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!

(Jerry gives Kramer a "What the --" glance)

GEORGE: I got about fifty-feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its’ breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!

JERRY: Mammal.

GEORGE: Whatever.

KRAMER: Well then, what did you do next?

GEORGE: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed like a cork and I found myself right on top of him, (ELAINE: gasps quietly Ahhhh) face to face with the blow-hole. I-I, I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but, I knew something was there… so I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!

(George reaches into his inside jacket pocket and dramatically pulls something out in his clenched fist -- holding it up in the air for a second, then displays a golf ball holding it in mid air for the remaining 28 seconds of the scene)

(Elaine looks on, mouth wide open in amazement. Jerry turns and looks at Kramer also in amazement and George, while staring at Kramer, holds out the ball in the air… Kramer sits quietly, squirming -- and it’s 21 seconds until Kramer speaks)

KRAMER: What is that a Titleist?

GEORGE: (Silently squinches his mouth and nods at Kramer)

KRAMER: A hole in one eh.

[still in the coffee shop]

JERRY: Well the-the crowd must have gone wild!

GEORGE: Ohh yes, yes. Yes Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1, Hm. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me…

KRAMER: (quietly) Um-hm.

GEORGE: …kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that, I was not a marine biologist.

JERRY: Wow! What'd she say?

GEORGE: Told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

(George stuffs the golf ball in his shirt pocket)

JERRY: All right lets go.

(Jerry, Elaine and George all get up from the booth -- Kramer takes the last four spoonfuls of food from his bowl and wipes his mouth with a napkin before getting up.)

ELAINE: What, are you in a bad mood?

JERRY: Ahhh… got my laundry back.

ELAINE: Ohhh! Golden Boy?

JERRY: He didn't make it.

ELAINE: I'm sorry. (pats him on the arm)

JERRY: Yea. (pulls at the t-shirt) This is Golden Boy's son… Baby Blue.

(Elaine cocks her head a bit -- then she and Jerry turn and exit.)

KRAMER: (to George) What's with you?

GEORGE: Sand. It's everywhere

KRAMER: Yep.

The End

S5E15 - The Pie

Broadcast date: February 17, 1994

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Suzanne Snyder  ................. Audrey

Christine Dunford .............. Saleswoman

Reni Santoni   ..................... Poppie

Lane Davies  ...................... MacKenzie

Mark Beltzman  ................. Bob

Sunday Theodore ............. Olive

Sam Lloyd   ....................... Ricky

Paul Mantee   .................... Health Inspector

Patricia Belcher  ................. Woman #1

Pamela Mant   .................... Woman #2

Bernard Hocke  ................. Guy in Diner

Eamonn Roche  .................. Waiter

Robert Kino  ...................... Ricky's Boss

Tony Edwards  .................. Businessman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

JERRY: Aren't mannequins an insult to your imagination? You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater so we'll show you on this life size snotty puppet. I guess when they finish with them they become crash test dummies. That's the end of the line for a mannequin. "What ever happened to Bob?" "Have you seen that new Volvo commercial? He's got a bulls eye right in his face." Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion, I guess these are the two situations that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves. Well dressed or getting killed. I'm sure there is some pro-mannequin organization that doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin. "Hey they're not mannequins, they're the life deprived."

[Monk's coffee shop, evening]

(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)

AUDREY: Hum! That was really good!

JERRY: Yeah. are you full?

AUDREY: Oh no, I've had just enough.

(Waitress brings dessert)

JERRY: Ah, here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Mmm, delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some.

AUDREY: No thanks.

JERRY: You're not gonna have any?

AUDREY: No (with a disgusted face)

JERRY: Do you not like apple pie?

AUDREY: No, it's not that.

JERRY: Well, at least taste it.

AUDREY: No (a resolute "no")

JERRY: You won't even taste it?

AUDREY: No.

JERRY: Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on. (still shaking)

(scene ends)

[Jerry's appartment, the next day]

(Jerry and George)

JERRY: She wouldn't so much as taste it.

GEORGE: Did she say why?

JERRY: No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey)

GEORGE: Maybe she's diabetic.

JERRY: No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.

GEORGE: Maybe you said something that offended her.

JERRY: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city.

GEORGE: Like at the airport? (getting excited)

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: That's a great idea!!!

JERRY: Tell me about it!

GEORGE: We could be zipping all over the place.

JERRY: They could at least try it.

GEORGE: They never try anything.

JERRY: What's the harm?

GEORGE: No harm!

(Elaine enters)

JERRY: (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie.

ELAINE: Who wouldn't taste a pie?

JERRY: Audrey.

ELAINE: Dump her.

JERRY: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???

ELAINE: (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.

JERRY: You did?

ELAINE: He could be eating a gyro, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness.

GEORGE: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I'm just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing?

ELAINE: I got a pebble.

JERRY: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?

ELAINE: What the hell does that mean?

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture)

ELAINE: What? Why?

KRAMER: Do it. Do it. This.

ELAINE: Like... (doing it) Like this?

KRAMER: Oh yeah! It's you!

ELAINE: What's me?

KRAMER: (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.

ELAINE: Get out!

KRAMER: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together again, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.

GEORGE: Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin?

KRAMER: Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah...

JERRY: (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing)

KRAMER: It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushions didn't have any fabric on it.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there?

KRAMER: Real Boss!

ELAINE: I'm going down there.

GEORGE: I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday.

ELAINE: (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go.

GEORGE: All right. All right. (They both leave)

KRAMER: (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this?

JERRY: Keep it. (implied: please)

(scene ends)

[Rinitze]

(George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)

ELAINE: It looks exactly like me.

GEORGE: It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine.

ELAINE: What's going on here? How do you think this happened?

GEORGE: Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh?

ELAINE: You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible?

(the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)

SALESWOMAN: (european accent) You are perfect for that suit.

GEORGE: You think so?

ELAINE: (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from?

SALESWOMAN: I don't know.

GEORGE: You really think this looks O.K. on me?

SALESWOMAN: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.

ELAINE: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from?

SALESWOMAN: I told you, I don't know.

ELAINE: (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know?

SALESWOMAN: Why?

ELAINE: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me.

(saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)

ELAINE: (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.

SALESWOMAN: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a twelve hundred dollar Gaultier dress.

(George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about their dispute)

ELAINE: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside.

(Elaine leaves and waits outside)

SALESWOMAN: What is her problem?

GEORGE: Ah, Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?

SALESWOMAN: Yes.

GEORGE: Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit)

SALESWOMAN: I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price.

GEORGE: So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers.

GEORGE: Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack)

(scene ends)

[Monk's]

(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)

ELAINE: So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up.

KRAMER: Well, how did they get your face?

ELAINE: I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello?

JERRY: (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.

WOMAN 1: That's right.

JERRY: And you waved it away.

WOMAN 2: Right.

JERRY: Did you give her a reason?

WOMAN 2: Yes, I was full.

JERRY: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.

WOMAN 2: No, I'm not a psycho.

JERRY: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.

ELAINE: We certainly have.

KRAMER: Hey, Elaine scratch my back.

ELAINE: No way!

KRAMER: Come on, one lap around.

ELAINE: No.

KRAMER: It will be a funky adventure.

ELAINE: Kramer, forget it.

KRAMER: Jerry, how about you?

JERRY: I think you know my policy.

KRAMER: I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier)

ELAINE: I thought George was meeting us here?

JERRY: No he's going downtown to guard the suit.

ELAINE: He's guarding a suit?

OLIVE: (the cashier; to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch?

KRAMER: Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa.

OLIVE: Turn around.

KRAMER: Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)

(scene ends)

[Rinitze]

SALESWOMAN: (makes a guy trying the suit) It fits you perfectly.

BOB: You think so? (she nods and walks away)

GEORGE: (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you?

BOB: I'm buying the suit.

GEORGE: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy)

BOB: Excuse me, do you work here?

GEORGE: (leaving the european accent) No. (laughs)

BOB: Then what the hell business is it of yours?

GEORGE: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday.

BOB: Really?

GEORGE: Yea Yea Yea

BOB: This Monday?

GEORGE: Yes. Now take off those pants.

SALESWOMAN: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.

BOB: Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves)

GEORGE: (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.

(she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's really seeing Elaine naked)

(scene ends)

[Poppie's restaurant]

(Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu)

JERRY: I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here?

AUDREY: Everything is delicious.

JERRY: You've tasted them?

AUDREY: Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.

JERRY: Oh I see they have apple pie.

AUDREY: Mmm-hmm.

JERRY: You've had the apple pie?

AUDREY: Many times.

JERRY: Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind.

AUDREY: Can we drop this?

JERRY: (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know?

(Poppie comes to the table)

AUDREY: Ah! Poppie.

POPPIE: Sweetheart, hello.

AUDREY: Poppie, this is Jerry.

POPPIE: Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)

JERRY: Hello Poppie.

POPPIE: Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves)

JERRY: The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)

[Poppie's Restaurant: Bathroom]

(Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall)

POPPIE: Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.

(He zips up and leaves without washing his hands. Jerry notices it very shocked)

(Poppie's Restaurant]

(back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen with his hands in the dough, making dinner)

AUDREY: Jerry are you OK?

JERRY: Huh?

AUDREY: Is anything wrong?

JERRY: No, Nothing.

AUDREY: You look like you've seen a ghost.

(Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles and winks at him)

(scene ends)

[Monk's]

OLIVE: (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.

(Kramer enters with flowers)

KRAMER: Hey. These are for you Olive.

OLIVE: Thank you.

(They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)

KRAMER: Ohh!

(scene ends)

[Poppie's]

(Poppie serves dinner)

POPPIE: Here it is.

AUDREY: Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect.

POPPIE: (to Jerry) Well?

AUDREY: Jerry have some. (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") You're not gonna taste it? (still shaking) Jerry. (still shaking)

(scene ends)

[Jerry's appartment]

(Jerry and George eating cereal sitting on the couch)

JERRY: So she tought I did it to get back at her

GEORGE: Why didn't you just tell her?

JERRY: I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.

GEORGE: How could he not have washed?

JERRY: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something.

GEORGE: Yeah, just like I do.

JERRY: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught.

GEORGE: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave it?

JERRY: We haven't spoken.

(Kramer enters holding the spatula)

KRAMER: Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)

GEORGE: Olive?

KRAMER: Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks.

GEORGE: Oh.

KRAMER: You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.

GEORGE: I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.

KRAMER: Is that Elaine mannequin still there?

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: The last time I saw her, she was naked.

JERRY: Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...

(scene ends)

[Rinitze]

(The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.)

BOB: Where is it? Where is it?

GEORGE: (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake.

BOB: You bastard! You hid the suit.

GEORGE: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.

BOB: I hope you rot in that suit. Look I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay!

GEORGE: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short.

(scene ends)

[Monks]

(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)

ELAINE: So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects.

JERRY: Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested)

ELAINE: There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.

JERRY: (very disinterested) Hum... ok, what else you got?

ELAINE: OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list.

JERRY: Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it?

ELAINE: Because you have an attitude.

(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers)

JERRY and ELAINE: Oh!

JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds!

GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?

JERRY: Did you hear something?

ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: (feels the fabric) It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.

(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)

GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!

JERRY: So what? What would they care?

GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.

JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?

GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?

JERRY: You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts.

(Kramer comes back from the bathroom)

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.

JERRY: Audrey?

KRAMER: Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.

JERRY: Was it apple?

KRAMER: What else?

JERRY: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!

(a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)

STRANGER: Do I know you?

ELAINE: Hmm... No you don't.

STRANGER: Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points.

ELAINE: The mannequin!

JERRY: Oh, I got to see this thing.

(scene ends)

[Rinitze]

(Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another mannequin)

JERRY: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.

(Elaine goes to the saleswoman)

ELAINE: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window!

SALESWOMAN: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it.

ELAINE: No! You take that mannequin down right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.

SALESWOMAN: (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?

JERRY: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,

ELAINE: Uh-huh

JERRY: The Charlie Macarthy hearings.

ELAINE: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?

SALESWOMAN: I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)

ELAINE: Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin)

JERRY: What are you doing?

ELAINE: Just get the car!

JERRY: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.

(They get out with the mannequin)

(scene ends)

[Jerry's car]

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)

JERRY: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. Alright, I'm dropping you off at work, right?

ELAINE: Where are you going?

JERRY: Poppie's

(scene ends)

[a restaurant]

(George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a table)

MACKENZIE: Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something?

GEORGE: No, I didn't hear anything.

MACKENZIE: Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything?

GEORGE: No, can't say as I did.

MACKENZIE: Kind of like a... rustling.

GEORGE: Could be the leaves...

(scene ends)

[Poppie's]

(Audrey talks to a client on the phone)

AUDREY: That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.

JERRY: Hello.

AUDREY: What are you doing here?

JERRY: So how was the pie?

AUDREY: What pie?

JERRY: The apple pie you had today at Monks

AUDREY: I'm very busy here.

JERRY: Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it.

AUDREY: You better not let Poppie see you here.

(a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)

HEALTH INSPECTOR: All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.

AUDREY: Uh, who are you?

HEALTH INSPECTOR: Board of health, we've had several complaints.

JERRY: Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)

HEALTH INSPECTOR: Are you Poppie?

POPPIE: I'm Poppie.

HEALTH INSPECTOR: I think you'd better come with me.

POPPIE: What's the problem?

(Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)

AUDREY: What do they want from Poppie?

JERRY: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.

(scene ends)

[at the restaurant with MacKenzie]

(everybody's laughing at the table)

MACKENZIE: You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing?

GEORGE: I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted.

MACKENZIE: No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place.

GEORGE: No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me.

(The waiter brings dessert)

WAITER: Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house.

MACKENZIE: Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.

WAITER: (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you.

GEORGE: Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!)

MACKENZIE: Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking)

BUSINESSMAN: If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.

(still shaking)

(scene ends)

[Monk's]

(evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)

JERRY: So you didn't get the job.

GEORGE: No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.

JERRY: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something.

KRAMER: What am I supposed to say?

JERRY: Tell her you lost your itch.

GEORGE: What happened to your itch?

KRAMER: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.

JERRY: Well you should tell her.

KRAMER: I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you.

OLIVE: What?

KRAMER: Uh, well, there's someone else.

OLIVE: Someone else?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

OLIVE: Who is she?

KRAMER: Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car)

OLIVE: her?

KRAMER: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.

OLIVE: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend.

KRAMER: Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.

OLIVE: Why is she wearing her underwear?

KRAMER: Well, it's the style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.

(Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand falls out from the arm)

GEORGE: Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?

JERRY: No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time.

(Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at her, confused.)

ELAINE: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who was shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from?

(scene ends)

[The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.]

RICKY'S BOSS: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.

RICKY: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.

The End

S5E16 - The Stand-In

Broadcast date: February 24, 1994

Written by Larry David

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mark Tymchyshyn ............Phil

Karla Tamburrelli ...............Daphne

Debbie Lee Carrington .....Tammy

W. Earl Brown ....................Al

Michael Rivkin ...................Fulton

Joe Gieb ...............................Johnny

Layne Beamer .....................Father

Thomas Dekker ..................Son

Jerome Betler ......................Director

rc: Danny Woodburn ........Mickey Abbott

==============================================

[Setting: Comedy Club]

Opening Monolog: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)

(scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry and George on a Bus]

GEORGE: It's just not good, it's not good.

JERRY: It's not good.

GEORGE: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.

JERRY: Well at breakfast everybody reads.

GEORGE: No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.

JERRY: You read during lunch?

GEORGE: Ya

JERRY: Oh, well.

GEORGE: There's nothing to talk about.

JERRY: Ya, what's there to talk about.

GEORGE: Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.

JERRY: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?

GEORGE: She knows there is nothing to talk about.

JERRY: At least you'll be talking.

GEORGE: Oh shut up.

(Al comes onto the bus)

AL: Hey, look who's here.

JERRY: Hey, Al.

GEORGE: Hey, Al. How's it going?

AL: (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?

GEORGE: Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.

AL: Great girl.

GEORGE: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.

JERRY: Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

AL: (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?

JERRY: Ya.

AL: I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.

JERRY: Me?

AL: Ya, he said he could use a good laugh.

GEORGE: What about me?

AL: (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.

GEORGE: Ya

JERRY: Ya, see ya.

(Al leaves)

GEORGE: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.

JERRY: (points to George) Ya.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and George enter the apartment)

GEORGE: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.

JERRY: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.

GEORGE: Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.

JERRY: Oh, stop it.

GEORGE: Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?

JERRY: So you're not gonna come?

GEORGE: No but say hello for me.

(Kramer and Mickey enter)

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: Hey! Hey Mick.

MICKEY: Hey Jerry.

KRAMER: What's doing?

JERRY: Nothing, what's doing with you?

KRAMER: Same old, same old.

JERRY: George this is Mickey.

GEORGE: Hi, nice to meet you.

(George and Mickey shake hands)

MICKEY: Pleasure.

JERRY: How's work going you guys?

MICKEY: Lets not even talk about it.

GEORGE: (to Kramer) You got a job?

KRAMER: Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.

MICKEY: (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that para-legal crap.

JERRY: How do you stop a kid from growing?

KRAMER: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

MICKEY: I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.

KRAMER: (to Mickey) What about lifts?

MICKEY: (to Kramer) Out of the question.

GEORGE: (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?

(Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp)

MICKEY: (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?

KRAMER: Easy Mickey, easy.

GEORGE: Yap..

KRAMER: Alright we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?

JERRY: I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.

KRAMER: (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.

(Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway)

KRAMER: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.

MICKEY: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.

KRAMER: You wanna keep your job don't you?

MICKEY: Ya but..

(Kramer interrupts him)

KRAMER: YAH! No Buts

MICKEY: Kramer

(Kramer interrupts again)

KRAMER: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!

(Scene Ends)

[Fulton's Hospital Room]

(Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)

JERRY: Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.

FULTON: Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.

JERRY: Who couldn't.

FULTON: I haven't cracked a smile in months.

JERRY: Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.

FULTON: It's a fine time.

JERRY: Oh, alright ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him....

(Scene Ends)

[Monk's]

(George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)

GEORGE: (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?

DAPHNE: Eggs are eggs.

GEORGE: (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Dophne

DAPHNE: (correcting George) Daphne.

GEORGE: Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...

DAPHNE: (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today.

GEORGE: Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?

DAPHNE: He told me not to get involved with you.

GEORGE: What?

DAPHNE: Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me.

GEORGE: He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.

DAPHNE: Is it true?

GEORGE: Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: ABC Studios]

(All My Children Set)

SON: How long are you going to be away for Daddy?

FATHER: I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.

SON: Don't go Daddy, don't go.

FATHER: Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.

DIRECTOR: (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins

KRAMER: Yo

STAGE HAND (Larry David's voice): Alright you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights.

(Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions)

KRAMER: (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.

MICKEY: (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy?

KRAMER: (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.

MICKEY: (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go.

KRAMER: Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.

(Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in the face)

MICKEY: Ah! (pauses for the hug) Alright (Kramer still holding on) Alright! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him)

DIRECTOR: Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour.

(The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different)

KRAMER: How do those lifts feel?

MICKEY: Quiet.

TAMMY: Hi guys.

MICKEY: Hey Tammy.

TAMMY: Hey, you look different. Have you been working out?

MICKEY: (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.

TAMMY: Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great.

MICKEY: How about lunch?

TAMMY: OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.

KRAMER: Ya.

TAMMY: Bye Mickey

KRAMER: Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake)

KRAMER & MICKEY: Ya!

MICKEY: All of a sudden.

KRAMER: What?

JOHNNY: Hey Mick.

MICKEY: How you doin' Johnny?

JOHNNY: What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy?

MICKEY: Maybe. What's it to you?

JOHNNY: Somethin different about you.

MICKEY: I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer)

JOHNNY: Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different.

(Kramer starts eating a sandwich)

MICKEY: You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya.

JOHNNY: I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.

(Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer shakes his head no.)

[Back to Jerry with Fulton]

JERRY: ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Packyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really really funny.

(Phil Enters)

PHIL: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Phil how you doing?

PHIL: You look terrific.

JERRY: I got my health.

PHIL: Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing?

JERRY: (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Elaine)

ELAINE: You should have told that story about Packyderm dropping the pizza.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?

GEORGE: (on the speaker) Ya

JERRY: Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys.

ELAINE: Do I know him?

JERRY: No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.

ELAINE: If you were a woman would you go out with him?

JERRY: If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.

ELAINE: (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. Alright, give him my number.

JERRY: Alright.

(George Enters)

GEORGE: This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Ya. That's what she told me.

ELAINE: Why?

GEORGE: Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.

ELAINE: Is she?

GEORGE: Of course.

ELAINE: So?

GEORGE: Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her.

ELAINE: Maybe he likes her.

GEORGE: Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.

JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

GEORGE: Well I can't break up with her now.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because he said I was going to.

ELAINE: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?

GEORGE: Yes, I am.

JERRY: Ya, I could see that.

GEORGE: I don't see any way around it.

JERRY: No, me either.

GEORGE: What choice do I have?

JERRY: None.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: ABC Studio Locker Room]

(Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his lifts where in there)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Kramer)

JERRY: Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.

KRAMER: Did you tell him the Packyderm story?

JERRY: (yelling) Yes I told him the Packyderm story!

KRAMER: Maybe I outta go over there.

JERRY: Towards what end?

KRAMER: I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.

(Knocking on the Door)

(Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal Mickey)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey Mick.

MICKEY: (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker.

KRAMER: YAOH!

MICKEY: (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you.

KRAMER: Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.

MICKEY: Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer)

KRAMER: Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)

MICKEY: You (grabs Kramer)

(Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle)

JERRY: (starts pulling them apart) Alright break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)

KRAMER: (pacing back and forth) Ya.

JERRY; Behave yourselves.

MICKEY: I'm sorry Kramer.

KRAMER: No no it's alright, it's alright. You're stressed Oout!

JERRY: (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?

MICKEY: Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.

KRAMER: (whistles) What's he like huh?

MICKEY: He's a good kid.

KRAMER: Ya?

JERRY: So what does he care if you put lifts in?

MICKEY: You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!?

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: George's car outside Daphne's place]

DAPHNE: George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch...

GEORGE: (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight.

DAPHNE: Why not?

GEORGE: I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.

DAPHNE: I thought we were going to spend the day together.

GEORGE: Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the velcro ball. (laughs)

DAPHNE: Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?

GEORGE: Yes, oh yes very much.

DAPHNE: Maybe you don't want to move in.

GEORGE: No, no I do. You know it's just...

DAPHNE: (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you.

GEORGE: (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! Alright I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: (Phil cracking up) So then Packyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can bearly hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...

PHIL: (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants.

ELAINE: (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.

PHIL: Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.

ELAINE: I know, I know, I was unbelievable

(laughter dying)

PHIL: Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.

ELAINE: (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know.

PHIL: Well this has been one hell of a night.

ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.

PHIL: You know, you really are beautiful Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.

PHIL: Good night?

ELAINE: Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone)

JERRY: (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.

ELAINE: Hello.

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Come on. How was your date?

ELAINE: Oh, the date. The date.

JERRY: Ya how was it?

ELAINE: Interesting.

JERRY: Really.

ELAINE: Oh ya.

JERRY: Why what happened?

ELAINE: Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.

JERRY: Just put it.

ELAINE: He took it out.

JERRY: (confused) He what?

ELAINE: He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.

JERRY: He took what out?

ELAINE: It.

JERRY: He took It, Out?

ELAINE: Yessiree Bob.

JERRY: He couldn't.

ELAINE: He did.

JERRY: (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...

ELAINE: Noooo.

JERRY: You mean he just

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: Are you sure?

ELAINE: Oh quite.

JERRY: There was no mistaking it?

ELAINE: (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.

JERRY: So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden...

ELAINE: Yea.

JERRY: It.

ELAINE: It.

JERRY: Out.

ELAINE: Out.

JERRY: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?

ELAINE: Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?

ELAINE: (to Kramer) He took it out.

(Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back)

KRAMER: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Monk's]

(Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door)

GEORGE: So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.

JERRY: It.

GEORGE: It.

JERRY: Out.

GEORGE: Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) Alright, Hey come on, get out of here, Dophne gonna be here any minute.

JERRY: Alright I'm going.

GEORGE: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.

JERRY: Well how long you are going to keep this up?

GEORGE: Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.

JERRY: You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.

GEORGE: I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.

JERRY: Yes I do.

GEORGE: What are you doing?

JERRY: I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Fulton's Hospital Room]

(Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room)

PHIL: Ah hey Jer.

JERRY: Oh hey Phil.

PHIL: You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.

JERRY: Well, y..you showed her who you are.

(Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway)

PHIL: Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.

JERRY: Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.

PHIL: I'll see ya.

JERRY: Ya take it easy.

(Phil leaves)

(Jerry enters Fulton's Room)

JERRY: (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: ABC Studios set]

KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.

MICKEY: Alright, rock beats paper.

(Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing)

KRAMER: I thought paper covered rock?

MICKEY: Nah, rock flies right through paper.

KRAMER: What beats rock?

MICKEY: (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.

KRAMER: Alright come on.

KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.

KRAMER: Rock.

MICKEY: Rock

KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.

KRAMER: Rock.

MICKEY: Rock.

(Bob walks by)

MICKEY: Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him)

KRAMER: (stops Mickey) Alright, come on.

KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.

KRAMER: Rock.

MICKEY: Rock.

(Tammy walks up)

MICKEY: Hey Tammy.

TAMMY: Hello.

MICKEY: So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.

TAMMY: I don't think so.

MICKEY: Why not? What the hell are you talking about?

TAMMY: Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.

MICKEY: Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm)

TAMMY: (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this.

MICKEY: Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Bruster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea.

TAMMY: Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat.

(all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny)

MICKEY: (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH!

KRAMER: What?

(Mickey runs and tackles Kramer)

MICKEY: AH!

KRAMER: Mickey!

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Back in Fulton's Hospital Room]

(Jerry is doing material)

JERRY: This guy's belching out vitamins..

FULTON: (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.

JERRY: (cont) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?

FULTON: (still laughing and coughing) Stop.

JERRY: For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Back at Monk's]

(George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door)

DAPHNE: George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult.

GEORGE: (happily) Difficult?

DAPHNE: The other day after work some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George...

GEORGE: (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.

DAPHNE: Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck.

GEORGE: Packyderm?

DAPHNE: Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza...

The End

S5E17 - The Wife

Broadcast date: March 17, 1994

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Courteney Cox ................... Meryl

Scott LaRose ....................... Greg

Joseph Ragno ..................... Marty

Rebecca Glenn .................... Paula

Nick LaTour ...................... Grandpa

Susan Segal ........................ Waitress

Lili Bernard ........................ Anna

Lawrence A. Mandley ........ Owner

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I think that of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.' Ya know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!' But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!'

[Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment. Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom.]

MERYL: Good morning.

JERRY: Good morning.

MERYL: How'd you sleep?

JERRY: Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side.

MERYL: I was not!

JERRY: C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!

MERYL: By the way, you know you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.'

JERRY: No, no, 12-8!

MERYL: No, it's 15-8.

JERRY: I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive.

MERYL: Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.

JERRY: Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll uh try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Ahh, haven't worn this one in a long time.

MERYL (feels Jerry's material): Ooh, cashmere?

JERRY: No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that.

MERYL: Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is?

JERRY: No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him.

MERYL: Alright, we'll stop over there.

JERRY: Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?

MERYL: Pancakes.

JERRY: Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes.

MERYL: I don't know that!

JERRY: But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike.

MERYL: I'll get the short stack.

JERRY: Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'

KRAMER: We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.

JERRY: Hey, is that my maple syrup? Oh, ya. (Kramer hands it over.)

MERYL: You bring your own syrup?

KRAMER: Got to.

JERRY (to Meryl): You got a lot to learn about pancakes.

[Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's.]

MARTY (looking at the locket): This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this!

JERRY: Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket?

MARTY: Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.)

JERRY: Oh, wow.

MARTY: I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her.

MERYL: Oh, that's so touching.

MARTY (to Jerry): Know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on.

JERRY: Oh, come on!

MARTY: What are you talkin' about?

JERRY: It's silly!

MARTY: Hey, forget it!

JERRY: Get outta here!

MARTY: It's done!

JERRY (giving in): Alright.

MERYL: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.

MARTY (to Jerry): I didn't know you were married.

JERRY: Oh...yeah...uh you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.

MARTY (to Meryl): Sure, you get the discount, too.

JERRY: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...

MERYL: I'm taking him to the cleaners!

JERRY: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!

(They grab each other's mouths in happiness)

[Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes out of the club.]

ELAINE: Oh, hi Greg.

GREG: Haven't seen you in a while.

ELAINE: Yeah. Well, actuall today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon.

GREG: You ran the Mini-Marathon?

ELAINE: No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)

GREG: Well, I-I gotta take off.

ELAINE: Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the time?

GREG (looks at his watch): Eleven-thirty.

ELAINE (surprised): Eleven-thirty?

GREG: Wait-wait, ten-thirty. Sorry.

ELAINE: Oh.

GREG: Do you have to be somewhere?

ELAINE: No.

GREG: Then what are you doing?

ELAINE: I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together.

GREG: Oh. Well, it was good seeing you.

ELAINE: Yeah, nice to see you, too.

(Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She looks after him with a puzzled expression.)

[Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.]

MERYL: Uh, would you, um...can I...

JERRY: Pardon?

MERYL: The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?

JERRY (holds up the syrup bottle): Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.)

WAITRESS: Can I get you anything else?

JERRY: Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee.

WAITRESS: Okay.

MERYL: And a check for my husband.

JERRY (toasts with his orange juice): To my beautiful wife.

MERYL: To my adoring husband.

JERRY: Adoring? What about handsome?

MERYL: I like adoring.

JERRY: Ya sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.)

OWNER (points at the bottle of maple syrup): Excuse me...where did you get that?

JERRY: I, uh...well...

OWNER: Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it.

JERRY: Well, I-I-I told my wife not to bring it.

[Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too?

JERRY: No, just Meryl.

KRAMER: Why, why? Why does she get it?

JERRY: Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds; Jerry answers it) Yeh?

ELAINE: (on buzzer) Meh.

JERRY: (buzzes her up) Eh. (to Kramer) You know and I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.

KRAMER: "My wife has an inner ear infection."

JERRY: See?

KRAMER: I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?

JERRY: Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in!

KRAMER: C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!

JERRY: Alright. (Elaine enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?

ELAINE: Let's make it fifty.

KRAMER: We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. (Kramer leaves.)

ELAINE: Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club?

JERRY: The fly-boy.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you.

ELAINE: I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.

JERRY: Hmm, So?

ELAINE: So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic.

JERRY: Really.

ELAINE: Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim.

JERRY: Ohhh, moisture?

ELAINE: Yeah. Definite moisture.

JERRY: That's an open-lip kiss, alright.

ELAINE: Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.) Yeah?

GEORGE (on intercom): Oh, uh...it's George.

ELAINE: Hey, what happened to you?

GEORGE (meekly): Nothing...little problem.

ELAINE: Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.

GEORGE: Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.)

ELAINE (to Jerry): I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.

JERRY: I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk.

ELAINE: Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and uh he ignores me.

JERRY: Yeah, so?

ELAINE: I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, what happened?

GEORGE: Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.

ELAINE: Yeah? What was it?

GEORGE (defensive): Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so...

JERRY: Here we go.

GEORGE: Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look.

ELAINE: You went...in the shower?

GEORGE: Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! (Kramer enters with his quilt.)

ELAINE (to Jerry): Do you go in the shower?

JERRY: No, never.

ELAINE (to Kramer): Do you?

KRAMER: I take baths.

GEORGE: Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?

ELAINE: Did you ever hear of...holding it in?

GEORGE: Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys.

ELAINE: How do you know?

GEORGE: Medical journals!

JERRY: Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

[Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl is already there dropping off some stuff of her own.]

JERRY: Hello.

MERYL: Oh, hi...honey.

JERRY: What are you doing here?

MERYL: I just thought I'd drop off a few things.

JERRY: Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.)

MARTY: Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.)

UNCLE LEO: Jerry!

JERRY: Uncle Leo?!

UNCLE LEO: Hello!

JERRY: Hello.

MARTY (to Jerry): So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.

UNCLE LEO: Your wife?

JERRY (hoping Leo will pick up on the scam): Yeah...my wife.

UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Uh...I got married.

UNCLE LEO (shocked): You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?

JERRY: Well, it was sudden.

UNCLE LEO: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?

JERRY: No, no, it was a small ceremony.

UNCLE LEO: Haven't I always been a good uncle?

JERRY: Yes, yes, you have.

UNCLE LEO: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?

JERRY: You did, you did.

UNCLE LEO (to Meryl): When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.

JERRY: I'm a good printer.

UNCLE LEO: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes out.) Hello! Wait!

(Jerry tries to catch Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage," but doesn't make it.)

JERRY: Uncle Leo, wait!

[Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health club.]

GREG: I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where I can get some good olives?

ELAINE: I can find out.

GREG: Would ya?

ELAINE: Sure. (thinking) Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal.

GREG: By the way, you look really great in that leotard.

ELAINE: Oh, thanks. (thinking) That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.

GREG: Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last night.

ELAINE: (thinking) Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out. (to Greg) Um, you know Greg, I...

GREG: Can I have a sip of your water?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)

GREG: Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the bottle with his shirt first.)

ELAINE: (shocked expression; thinking) Oh my God.

GREG (hands the bottle back): I'm sorry, what were you saying?

ELAINE: Oh, it was nothing, for-forget it. (George enters the gym.)

GREG: See that guy right there?

ELAINE: Yup, you mean him?

GREG: I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in, too.

(On the other side of the room, George falls off an exercise machine and gets his foot caught in it.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Meryl is lounging on the couch, watching TV and eating chocolates.)

MERYL: Honey? Could you get me something to drink?

JERRY (from his bedroom hallway, alluding to the fact that she should get the drink herself): You're right there.

MERYL: C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at the TV show she's watching.)

JERRY (looking in a drawer): Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?

MERYL: I didn't do anything with it.

JERRY: Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.

MERYL: It's in the first drawer.

JERRY: I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.

MERYL: Yes, it is.

JERRY (irritated): Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener.

MERYL: Did I say you were stupid?

JERRY (angrily): Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? (The phone rings.)

MERYL (getting up): Do you want me to go find it?

JERRY (slams the drawer): Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. (Answers the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife.

(Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.)

HELEN: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?

MORTY: Why the hell didn't you tell us?

JERRY: Listen, Ma...

MERYL (looking in the drawer): It was in here yesterday!

JERRY (angrily): Yeah, that's what I said!

HELEN: Who is she? When did this happen?

MORTY (to Jerry): I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.

HELEN: Morty, you're talking too loud.

MORTY: I'm not talking loud!

HELEN: You're hurting my eardrum.

MERYL (looking for the can opener): Well, you must have done something with it!

JERRY (to Meryl): I'm on the phone!

HELEN: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?

JERRY: Mom, I'm not married.

HELEN: What?

JERRY: I'm not married!

MORTY: I knew it, I told you!

HELEN (to Jerry): Uncle Leo said.

JERRY: I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.

HELEN: A discount on dry-cleaning?

JERRY (to Meryl, who's making a racket in the kitchen looking for the can opener): Could you make a little more noise? (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later.

MERYL (not finding the opener): Well, I give up.

JERRY: Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.)

KRAMER: Got any coffee?

JERRY: Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired?

KRAMER: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone!

JERRY: What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.)

KRAMER: Huh?

JERRY: That?

KRAMER: Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.)

(Jerry after receiving the can opener smiles at Meryl)

[Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night.]

JERRY: Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.

MERYL: Yeah, me too. I Love you.

JERRY: I Love you.

MERYL: Well, goodnight.

JERRY: Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.)

[Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day.]

GEORGE: They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!

ELAINE: So what do you want me to do?

GEORGE: Talk to him!

ELAINE: How can I do that?

GEORGE: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!

ELAINE (enunciating clearly so George gets the point): Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!

GEORGE: Well, that doesn't mean anything!

ELAINE: Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs!

JERRY (patiently while watching tv): She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big.

GEORGE: Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?

JERRY: (still watching tv; sounds like basketball) Bottle-wipe supercedes it.

GEORGE: Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him?

ELAINE: George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him.

GEORGE: Why?

ELAINE: I...I don't know...

GEORGE: Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!

ELAINE: No, that's not it!

GEORGE: Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!

ELAINE: Why couldn't you just wait?

GEORGE: I was there! I saw a drain!

ELAINE: Since when is a drain a toilet?!

GEORGE: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!

ELAINE: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!

GEORGE: I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.)

JERRY: Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?

ELAINE (to George): Okay! Okay! Okay, I will talk to him. (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.

JERRY: Alright.

KRAMER: Well, you gotta pick it up for me!

JERRY: Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it!

KRAMER: I'm so tired!

ELAINE (to Kramer): Boy, you don't look good.

KRAMER: Huh? I don't?

ELAINE: No, you look pale.

KRAMER: Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.)

JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...

[Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently, waiting for his quilt.]

MARTY: I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer bursts in.)

KRAMER: Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here?

MARTY: Who the hell are you? Huh, It's not your quilt.

JERRY: He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally.

MARTY: Well, uh...maybe tomorrow.

KRAMER (angrily, to Jerry): Maybe.

JERRY: Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay.

KRAMER: Alright, I'm gonna see you later.

JERRY: Where you goin'?

KRAMER: I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.

JERRY: I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya.

KRAMER: Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.

JERRY: I'm goin' home.

KRAMER: Ya.

(Kramer exits. An attractive woman enters the dry-cleaners with a bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry notices her and waits by the door.)

PAULA (to Marty, in a foreign accent): Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost to clean this?

MARTY: Oh, about thirteen dollars.

PAULA: Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that.

MARTY: Well, I'm sorry.

(Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile at each other.)

[Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising on a leg machine.]

ELAINE: Hi, Greg.

GREG: Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.

ELAINE: Ok. (Another guy approaches the exercise machine.) I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.)

GREG (to Elaine): Oh, well, It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine looks at the machine, then George runs over.)

GEORGE: What happened? Did he bring it up?

ELAINE: Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.

GEORGE: Signal? What signal?

ELAINE: Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!

ELAINE: Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal.

GEORGE: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?

ELAINE: Yeah! It's a social thing.

GEORGE: What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!

ELAINE: No! I won't be a party to this.

GEORGE: So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?

ELAINE: Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. (Walks away.)

[Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning.]

PAULA: I won't let you do this!

JERRY: I want to!

PAULA: But it isn't right! I can't.

JERRY: Give me the clothes.

PAULA: Jerry, please. What about her?

JERRY: Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.)

PAULA: No, Jerry, please!

JERRY: I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.

PAULA (hands over the clothes): I can't fight you. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

JERRY: Do you want box or hanger?

PAULA: You decide. (Jerry considers.)

[Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on the tanning bed and bonks his head.]

[Health Club]

(Elaine and Greg in the weight room.)

ELAINE: You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh?

GREG: Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of the health club.) Oh, there's the manager. Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy, you know, we cannot have people like that in here.

ELAINE: Are you sure you want to do that?

GREG: Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.

ELAINE: You're interested in...in her? (Points at the manager.)

GREG: Very.

ELAINE: Ah. You know, uh..I'm engaged. (preens) Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. (Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.)

GREG: Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out.

ELAINE: You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

GREG: Why?

ELAINE: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?

GREG: Oh, I see...you're friends with the urinator, aren't you?

ELAINE: Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.

[Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast asleep and snoring.]

[Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners.]

MARTY: Here you go, Mrs. Seinfeld...with your 25% discount, it comes to $17.80.

MERYL: Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse me, this isn't mine.

MARTY: Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought it in himself.

MERYL: Really? (Takes her change and grabs the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you. (Exits.)

[Anna with her family and friends at her apartment.]

(There's a knock at the door.)

ANNA: That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. Anna and her grandfather are shocked.)

[Jerry's apartment.]

(Jerry and Meryl)

MERYL (throws Paula's clothes at Jerry): You son of a bitch!

JERRY: I'm sorry.

MERYL: Who is she? I want to know who she is.

JERRY: It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.

MERYL: A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount?

JERRY: Yes, that's right.

MERYL: What happened to us, Jerry?

JERRY: I'll tell you what happened. We got married.

MERYL: I'm sorry, uh.. this is my fault. I pushed it on you.

JERRY: No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.

MERYL: Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches in her purse)...this is your maple syrup.

JERRY: It's alright, I want you to have it.

MERYL: (sentimental) Okay, thanks.

JERRY: We'll always have...pancakes.

MERYL: Bye, Jerry. (Exits.)

[Anna's Apartment]

GRANDPA (to Anna): I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!

(Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.)

[Closing Monologue]

To me the thing about marriage is, I can't believe how often it happens. I mean I like the idea of it, but I can't believe that many people are meetin' people that they want to see every single day, everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday. That should like happen three or four times... you know in the whole century. Like in every major investment you have to sign a marriage contract here's your person, if you are a man the bride's family pays for the wedding - that's like getting cash back. Till death to us part, that's the extended warranty program and they give you the ring - that's the keys, you slide it on start 'em up. But you gotta try and make it work because remember - your value drops twenty percent the minute you drive each other off the lot.

The End

S5E18&19- The Raincoats

Broadcast date: April 28 1994

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode.

Part 1 Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Part 2 Written by Larry Charles

Both Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michael G. Hagerty  ........... Rudy

Dorien Wilson ..................... Alec

Annie Korzen ..................... Doris Klompus

Stephen Pearlman .............. Mr. Goldstein

Judge Reinhold  .................. Aaron

Lisa Pescia  .......................... Joanne

Jason Manary  ................... Joey

LaRita Shelby  ................... Tour Leader

Melanie Smith  .................... Rachel

rc: Jerry Stiller .................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza

rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan ................. Helen Seinfeld

rc:  Sandy Baron ................ Jack Klompus

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.'

[Monk's]

(George and Jerry at the usual booth)

JERRY: You know their timing couldn't be worse.

GEORGE: Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?

JERRY: You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.

GEORGE: When are they leaving for Paris?

JERRY: Not for another three days.

GEORGE: What about her place?

JERRY: She lives with her parents.

GEORGE: Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.

JERRY: (sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.

GEORGE: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?

JERRY: The baldies

GEORGE: Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.

JERRY: That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.

(Alec and Joey enter)

ALEC: (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys.

GEORGE: Hey Alec

JERRY: Hey Alec

ALEC: This is Joey.

GEORGE: Hey Joey, how you doin'?

ALEC: (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?

GEORGE: Well uh....

JOEY: (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please?

GEORGE: Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.

ALEC: That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.

JOEY: Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..

ALEC: (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.

JERRY: What happened?

GEORGE: What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?

JERRY: (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?

[Street]

(Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.)

JERRY: Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?

GEORGE: Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.

JERRY: Ya, it's much better isn't it?

GEORGE: Oh, n-no comparison.

JERRY: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.

GEORGE: (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Your parents are going to Paris right?

JERRY: Yea?

GEORGE: So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.

JERRY: What about little Joey?

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: Ah, I think he's probably better off.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them)

GEORGE: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.

MORTY: But there are no stamps on these.

GEORGE: Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.

HELEN: Why are you doing this?

JERRY: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

HELEN: Why?

JERRY: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion?

HELEN: I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion)

KRAMER: (putting on the lotion) Ya

HELEN: It's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.

KRAMER: Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.

JERRY: Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.

KRAMER: Ya

MORTY: Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.

KRAMER: Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.

GEORGE: Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?

KRAMER: Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.

GEORGE: What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?

KRAMER: Well I suppose the children do.

GEORGE: (pondering) Yes I suppose they do.

KRAMER: (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later.

(Kramer goes to turn the door knob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the knob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits)

GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?

(Morty and Helen look at each other)

HELEN: Tonight?

GEORGE: Yea they're making Paella.

HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.

JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?

HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.

JERRY: Where'd you get plans?

HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans.

GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night?

HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe

GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.

MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.

GEORGE: (quietly) Ya.

JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.

GEORGE: Ya.

(George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed)

JERRY: So what plans do you have?

MORTY: None

JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?

HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.

MORTY: We can't stand them.

JERRY: Really? Since when?

HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them.

JERRY: Why?

HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?

JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.

MORTY: Well we do.

(Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it)

JERRY: Ya?

(Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom)

ELAINE: It's us.

JERRY: U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?

HELEN: We adore Elaine.

JERRY: She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.

HELEN: What's he like?

JERRY: He's nice, bit of a close talker.

HELEN: A what?

JERRY: You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'

HELEN: They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.

(Elaine and Aaron enter)

EVERYONE: Hi.

MORTY: Hello Elaine

(Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)

ELAINE: This is Aaron.

HELEN: Hello Aaron

MORTY: Hello.

AARON: (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?

HELEN: Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris.

AARON: Ah

MORTY: We're going with a select charter group.

AARON: I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.

HELEN: We can't take money.

AARON: Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.

ELAINE: Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?

JERRY: No I haven't.

AARON: You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour?

HELEN: (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?

AARON: (up in Helen's face) Easily

HELEN: I wouldn't be any trouble?

AARON: (gets closer) Of course not.

HELEN: When would we go?

AARON: How about right now?

MORTY: I'm ready

HELEN: Are you sure?

AARON: Yes.

HELEN: Ok, let me get my coat.

(Helen goes to get her coat)

AARON: (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say?

ELAINE: W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.

AARON: Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry?

JERRY: I'm swamped.

AARON: You sure? You could examine the art work up close.

JERRY: Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.

ELAINE: (under her breath) Ya that'll happen)

AARON: (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off.

(Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)

MORTY: Ok, bye.

HELEN & AARON: Bye.

JERRY: Ok buh bye. Have a good time.

ELAINE: Bye.

AARON: See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)

JERRY: Ok.

ELAINE: Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: What is that?

JERRY: Maybe he was just trying to be nice.

ELAINE: Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?

JERRY: Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.

(Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: (dialing) He got em out of the house.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Call Rachel.

ELAINE: Oh.

JERRY: (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)

ELAINE: (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.

(Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)

[Costanza House]

FRANK: They're not coming?

GEORGE: No, they had plans.

ESTELLE: How could they have plans?

GEORGE: That's what I wanna know.

FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.

ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?

GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe.

FRANK: Maybe?

ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us.

FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?

ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet.

FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?

GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty, Helen and Aaron enter)

JERRY: (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.

AARON: Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had.

HELEN: Aaron is quite the tour guide.

MORTY: Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?

JERRY: Oh sure like Monet.

MORTY: Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean know body would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.

JERRY: Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.

MORTY: I say the guy was painting without his glasses.

(phone rings)

JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back.

HELEN: Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read.

JERRY: Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)

AARON: Well I should be going.

HELEN: Oh thanks again.

AARON & HELEN: Buh bye.

(Kramer enters)

AARON: Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.

KRAMER: You must be Aaron, I've heard about you.

AARON: (Laughing) Well see you later.

KRAMER: Yeah.

AARON: (leaving) Bye

JERRY: Bye

KRAMER: So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?

HELEN: We have no plans.

MORTY: (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive.

KRAMER: Now what is Executive?

JERRY: The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.

MORTY: I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years.

HELEN: Why would they? Know body bought them then.

MORTY: He's wearing one.

KRAMER: Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.

MORTY: You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida?

KRAMER: Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.

MORTY: You gotta deal.

(Kramer and Morty shake hands)

KRAMER: Yaaaa.

JERRY: This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.

MORTY: I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery.

HELEN: You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days.

MORTY: He'll send them express.

HELEN: You're crazy.

MORTY: I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.

JERRY: N-na I'm paying for the trip.

MORTY: So much the better.

[Monk's]

(George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door)

GEORGE: Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.

ALEC: Paris huh?

GEORGE: Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.

ALEC: Where will you stay?

GEORGE: An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.

ALEC: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is.

GEORGE: Fantastic?

ALEC: Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution.

GEORGE: How gee what a coincidence.

ALEC: And you'll send me a postcard.

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine and Aaron lying in bed)

AARON: Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children.

ELAINE: Mm hmm.

AARON: And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him

ELAINE: Aaron

AARON: Yes?

ELAINE: Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?

AARON: Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it.

ELAINE: Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?

AARON: No, it was fun.

ELAINE: You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.

AARON: Yea, they bought me a coke.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)

KRAMER: So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?

MORTY: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

KRAMER: How serendipitous.

MORTY: So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.

KRAMER: Mmm

JERRY: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.

KRAMER: Did you call Jack Klompus yet?

MORTY: I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now.

JERRY: Ah come on.

MORTY: Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)

HELEN: Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?

JERRY: No I haven't seen it yet.

HELEN: Oh you have to go you have to

JERRY: I'm going

HELEN: You have to

JERRY: Ok

MORTY: (on the phone) Hello Jack.

(Jack in Florida)

JACK: Ya

MORTY: It's Morty

JACK: Who died?

MORTY: Know body died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes.

JACK: What boxes?

MORTY: I'm gonna explain what boxes.

JACK: Alright how the hell do I know?

MORTY: Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.

JACK: I thought you're going to Paris

MORTY: I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.

JACK: What's in the boxes?

MORTY: Raincoats.

JACK: Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage.

HELEN: I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.

JACK: When do you want these?

MORTY: Send them tomorrow.

[Costanza House)

(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in)

ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight?

GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe.

FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.

ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.

FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.

GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.

ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?

GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic.

ESTELLE: I heard noise.

GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse.

FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!

GEORGE: What?

FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation.

GEORGE: You haven't even seen one.

FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.

ESTELLE: Alright Frank that's enough.

(Frank sits back down)

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

(Rudy is checking out the clothes)

GEORGE: I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)

RUDY: Uh huh.

GEORGE: They will get a good home won't they?

RUDY: Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular.

GEORGE: Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a casanova really.

RUDY: I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes.

GEORGE: Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling.

RUDY: Yea I'm in a good mood here.

GEORGE: Thank you.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, George what are you doing here?

GEORGE: Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.

KRAMER: Oh, I gotcha (clicks)

GEORGE: (leaving) That'll do.

KRAMER: Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.

GEORGE: Hey that's swell.

KRAMER: Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night.

GEORGE: Dinner? (grabs Kramer)

KRAMER: Ya.

GEORGE: You had dinner with the Seinfelds'?

KRAMER: Yea, last night.

GEORGE: Was this something you had planned for a while?

KRAMER: No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants.

GEORGE: (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans!

KRAMER: Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)

RUDY: Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars.

KRAMER: Oh I'll take these.

RUDY: Alright

KRAMER: Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?

RUDY: Sure that's the Executive.

KRAMER: Ya, you have any others?

RUDY: I wish, they don't make 'em anymore.

KRAMER: Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested?

RUDY: Very interested

KRAMER: Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.

RUDY: Well bring 'em in.

KRAMER: So you'll buy them?

RUDY: I don't see what would possibly stop me.

(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Mom and Pop Seinfeld

JERRY: Look I don't know.

GEORGE: Alright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.

JERRY: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.

GEORGE: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?

JERRY: That's right.

GEORGE: Is there something wrong with my parents?

JERRY: Absolutely

GEORGE: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.

JERRY: These the people you currently live with?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: Uh huh

GEORGE: So are they coming tonight or not?

JERRY: Look I really don't know what they're plans are.

GEORGE: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.

JERRY: What is that anyway?

GEORGE: It's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.

JERRY: I-I'll tell 'em

GEORGE: Hey could you do one other thing for me?

JERRY: Name it.

GEORGE: You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)

JERRY: So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?

GEORGE: (pause) Alright if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)

JOANNE: So where's he taking you?

ELAINE: Well first we're going to a matinée, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.

JOANNE: You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron.

AARON: (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey

ELAINE: (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi

(Elaine and Aaron kiss)

(Enter Helen)

HELEN: Hello, Hello.

(Enter Morty)

MORTY: Hello Elaine

(Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)

AARON: I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen.

ELAINE: Oh, Great.

MORTY: (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?

HELEN: You don't mind to you Elaine?

ELAINE: Mind? Oh o-of course not.

AARON: We can make a whole day of it.

MORTY: This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli?

ELAINE: (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld

[Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matinée where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champaign. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust]

(song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly"

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)

JERRY: (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.

RACHEL: When are they leaving?

JERRY: In two days.

RACHEL: It's been soo long.

JERRY: I know.

RACHEL: Ok, it's only two more days.

(They both run their hands through their hair)

JERRY: Right, Thursday three o'clock.

MORTY: (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have

HELEN: Ooh.

JERRY: Oh Hi.

HELEN: We didn't know you had company.

JERRY: (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi.

HELEN & MORTY: Hello Rachel.

HELEN: Uh we'll come back another time.

JERRY: What other time?

HELEN: Whenever

JERRY: Where you goin'?

MORTY: Uh we'll drive around for a while.

JERRY: You don't have a car.

MORTY: We'll take a bus.

JERRY: Come on stop.

HELEN: No we don't mind

MORTY: I'll get a book.

RACHEL: No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.

HELEN: O-oh are you sure?

RACHEL: Yea.

HELEN: Cuz we don't wann..

JERRY: (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?

RACHEL: Definitely

JERRY: Ok. Uh

RACHEL: (going out the door) It's night meeting you.

HELEN: Nice meeting you.

JERRY: Ok, see you later.

MORTY: Boy that was some show.

JERRY: What show?

MORTY: "My Fair Lady"

JERRY: When did you get tickets to see that?

HELEN: Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.

JERRY: Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.

MORTY: We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.

JERRY: Oh.

HELEN: He looks better on TV.

JERRY: Oh

(Phone rings)

JERRY: (answering phone) Hello?

(Jack Klompus in Florida)

JACK: Hello Jerry,

JERRY: Yea.

JACK: It's Jack Klompus.

JERRY: Oh hi Jack.

JACK: So when are you coming down to Florida again?

JERRY: As soon as is humanly possible.

JACK: You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.

JERRY: Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.

JACK: So uh where's your father?

JERRY: Ya he's right here.

(Jerry hands Morty the phone)

MORTY: Yea

JACK: Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.

MORTY: What do you mean?

JACK: There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work

MORTY: You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.

(Doris enters the scene with Jack)

DORIS: Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.

MORTY: You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it.

JACK: Get the hell outta here with your knob.

DORIS: What does he want from you?

MORTY: My idiot son could open that garage door.

JERRY: What did I do?

MORTY: Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it.

(Jack is seen hanging up his phone)

MORTY: They'll be here first thing Thursday morning.

HELEN: Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.

JERRY: (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.

HELEN: How are you gonna get all this done in time?

MORTY: Don't worry about it.

JERRY: (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?

[Costanza House]

(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)

GEORGE: They were drinking champaign in a buggy!

FRANK: First Kramer, then Elaine?

GEORGE: Yea

FRANK: It's a slap in the face.

ESTELLE: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!

FRANK: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.

(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)

ESTELLE: The hell with them.

GEORGE: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.

(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)

FRANK: Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)

GEORGE: (sitting down) Vacation?

FRANK: You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.

(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)

GEORGE: (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)

FRANK: But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.

GEORGE: The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.

FRANK: How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door)

GEORGE: (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote.

FRANK: (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.

[Ally outside Rudy's]

(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)

RUDY: Lousy moth ridden crap.

[Median Monologue]

I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus.

[Movie Theater: Schindler's List]

(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out)

JERRY: Hey.

MORTY: Hey, Jerry.

HELEN: So how was the movie?

JERRY: Oh, really good, really good.

HELEN: And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers)

JERRY: Like that (snaps his fingers)

MORTY: What about the end, with the list?

JERRY: Ya that was some list.

HELEN: What did you think about the black and white?

JERRY: (confused) The black and white.

MORTY: The whole movie was in black and white.

JERRY: Oh yea, I didn't even realize.

MORTY: You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.

JERRY: Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

KRAMER: So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle

RUDY: Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.

KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.

(George enters)

KRAMER: Hey what again?

GEORGE: I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.

KRAMER: Paella, ya I'll be there.

GEORGE: Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.

KRAMER: No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.

GEORGE: Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.

KRAMER: Yap I know.

GEORGE: You're doing all the leg work.

KRAMER: That's right

GEORGE: He's ripping you off

KRAMER: You're right he's ripping me off

GEORGE: If anybody should be getting more it's you.

KRAMER: He's ripping me off

GEORGE: Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.

KRAMER: YAH! (exits)

RUDY: (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty coming out of the bathroom)

MORTY: You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent?

HELEN: Well he told you about the place.

MORTY: So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is?

HELEN: You find something you get a fee.

MORTY: Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.

HELEN: Well it's too late now.

MORTY: Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.

HELEN: Well you're not gonna say anything.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I've been thinking about something.

MORTY: Ya so have I

KRAMER: Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.

MORTY: You don't think it's fair.

KRAMER: No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.

MORTY: What leg work?

KRAMER: Oh, there's leg work.

MORTY: If anything you're getting too much.

KRAMER: Too much?!

MORTY: That's right, they're my coats.

KRAMER: Look I want thirty-five percent.

MORTY: I'm thinking more like fifteen.

KRAMER: No way I'm taking fifteen.

MORTY: Well you're not getting thirty-five.

KRAMER: Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.

MORTY: Ok it's a deal

(They shack hands.)

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

RUDY: Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere.

GEORGE: I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.

RUDY: (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.

GEORGE: So uh where are the clothes?

RUDY: I burned 'em.

GEORGE: Oh. That's good.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)

ELAINE: N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?

JERRY: It is a tad askew.

ELAINE: I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?

JERRY: I've hardly been out to dinner with them.

ELAINE: See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.

JERRY: You're right he's insane.

ELAINE: Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.

JERRY: So what are you going to do?

ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?

JERRY: Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.

ELAINE: Ya what do you mean from what you saw?

JERRY: Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.

ELAINE: Yea why not?

JERRY: I was kind of um (pauses) making out.

ELAINE: (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?

JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.

ELAINE: During Schindler's List?

JERRY: (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.

ELAINE: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?

JERRY: No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.

ELAINE: Oh.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)

NEWMAN: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld

HELEN: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)

NEWMAN: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)

HELEN: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.

NEWMAN: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.

HELEN: Wondering what?

NEWMAN: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.

HELEN: Well we already saw it.

NEWMAN: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.

MORTY: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?

NEWMAN: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.

HELEN: I'm afraid I don't.

NEWMAN: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.

MORTY: What?

NEWMAN: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.

HELEN: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?

NEWMAN: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.

HELEN: Jerry sends his laundry out.

NEWMAN: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)

(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)

[Jerry's Apartment-Later that day]

(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom)

JERRY: Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?

HELEN: How could you?

JERRY: How could I what?

HELEN: You were making out during Schindler's List?

JERRY: What? No.

MORTY: Don't lie Jerry.

JERRY: (turns) Newman.

HELEN: How could you do such a thing?

JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.

(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings)

JERRY: (answering the phone) Hello.

(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)

JACK: Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.

JERRY: Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.

MORTY: Hello

JACK: Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.

MORTY: You didn't get in?

JACK: Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in.

MORTY: You broke the window?

HELEN: He broke the window?

JACK: You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?

DORIS: (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.

MORTY: Did you send them?

JACK: Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.

MORTY: Tomorrow afternoon?

HELEN: Tomorrow afternoon?

JERRY: Tomorrow afternoon?

MORTY: I told you to send them express.

JACK: W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.

MORTY: So what did you do about the window?

JACK: I gotta fix your window now?

MORTY: Alright alright, goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.

JERRY: W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?

HELEN: We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off.

MORTY: Well what's the difference we'll go some place else.

(Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)

HELEN: Some place else? What about Paris?

MORTY: You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.

HELEN: I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.

MORTY: You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.

HELEN: I think you're out of your mind.

[Costanza House]

FRANK: I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.

GEORGE: Moths?

FRANK: Moths, ate three boxes?

GEORGE: Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.

ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.

(Estelle goes to answer the door)

KRAMER: (from outside) Hello?

ESTELLE: Hello

KRAMER: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)

ESTELLE: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)

KRAMER: Ooo Paella

GEORGE: Hey uh let me take you're coat.

KRAMER: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.

FRANK: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?

KRAMER: Wha?

FRANK: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back

KRAMER: (trying to get away) woah

GEORGE: Dad?!

KRAMER: (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.

GEORGE: Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.

FRANK: Who's Rudy? What clothes?

GEORGE: I sold your clothes yesterday.

FRANK: You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes?

GEORGE: I didn't think you wore them anymore.

FRANK: It's cruise wear!

ESTELLE: Kramer, I love that shirt.

KRAMER: Yaya

FRANK: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!

ESTELLE: You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.

KRAMER: Oh, well, thank you.

(Estelle giggles)

FRANK: Who's this Rudy?

KRAMER: Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.

FRANK: Morty Seinfeld? He's a bum.

KRAMER: Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.

GEORGE: Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?

KRAMER: Yea.

GEORGE: What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?

KRAMER: Well I suppose they are wasted.

GEORGE: Yes I suppose they are.

FRANK: Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes.

KRAMER: A mouse!

(Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George enter)

JERRY: You want the tickets?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: You're gonna take this kid to Paris?

GEORGE: Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.

JERRY: You know I'm paying for these tickets.

GEORGE: It's alright, I got lunch.

[Airport]

(Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)

KRAMER: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?

MORTY: Not really.

KRAMER: Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm

JERRY: Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?

MORTY: This is it.

KRAMER: So how much are we gonna make?

MORTY: Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.

KRAMER: Wha two thousand? Three thousand?

MORTY: That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.

KRAMER: More? More than three thousand?

MORTY: Just watch me do my thing.

JERRY: Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?

MORTY: Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.

WOMAN: Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.

JERRY: (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?

(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight)

GEORGE: Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.

JOEY: Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.

(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.)

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

FRANK: You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.

RUDY: Who are you anyways?

FRANK: I'm the father.

RUDY: He said his father was dead.

FRANK: He said I was dead?

RUDY: That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.

FRANK: That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.

(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)

KRAMER: Hey, Frank!

FRANK: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.

MORTY: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went.

FRANK: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.

MORTY: I retract your retraction.

FRANK: Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours?

MORTY: Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.

RUDY: You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.

KRAMER: I thought we had a deal?

FRANK: That's another one of my shirts!!

RUDY: I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.

MORTY: Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.

RUDY: Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?

FRANK: My clothes don't have moths!

MORTY: Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?

RUDY: That's right.

KRAMER: (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)

[Airport]

(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye)

ANNOUNCEMENT: Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding.

MORTY: Ok, let's go.

HELEN: (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off.

AARON: Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?

ELAINE & JERRY: NO.

MORTY: Ah, good-bye.

(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)

ELAINE: Good-bye

JERRY: Take care

MORTY: Alright Jer.

(Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)

ELAINE: Nice to see..

MORTY: Buh bye Elaine

JERRY: Buh bye.

HELEN: Buh bye.

(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug)

HELEN: (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.

AARON: Thank you.

JERRY: I think she meant me, but.

MORTY: Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.

JERRY: Ok.

(Morty and Helen go to board the plane)

ELAINE: Bye.

JERRY: Bye.

(Aaron begins to follow them)

ELAINE: Aaron? Aaron are you ok?

AARON: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.

ELAINE: You did enough.

AARON: (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.

JERRY: You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.

AARON: (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)

ELAINE: Why?

AARON: (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!

(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)

[Rachel's Parents' Place]

(Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)

JERRY: Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.

JERRY: Why what did I do?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)

JERRY: Rachel!

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!

JERRY: Rachel!

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)

JERRY: So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.

ELAINE: Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?

JERRY: The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.

ELAINE: Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.

JERRY: Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.

ELAINE: (sighs) So how about that Aaron?

JERRY: Whew

ELAINE: You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?

JERRY: No I hadn't noticed.

(Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket)

NEWMAN: (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.

JERRY: (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.

NEWMAN: (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.

NEWMAN: Ohh, were you there?

JERRY: Yes I was.

NEWMAN: (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.

JERRY: Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?

NEWMAN: (couple quick breaths) Shocking.

JERRY: Yes, well that was nothing.

(Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up)

NEWMAN: (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!

(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)

[Paris]

(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)

GEORGE: Where the hell is your father?!

(George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses)

[Cruise ship out in the Ocean]

(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)

ESTELLE: This is the best thing we ever did.

FRANK: I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing.

ESTELLE: Ah forget about them let's just...

(Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)

[Closing Monologue]

Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.

S5E20 - The Fire

Broadcast date: May 5, 1994

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Melanie Chartoff  ............... Robin

Veanne Cox  ...................... Toby

Dom Irrera   ...................... Ronnie

Jon Favreau  ...................... Clown

Lisa Pescia  ......................... Joanne

Hiram Kasten  ................... Michael

Patience Cleveland ............ Old Lady

Lawrence LeJohn ............. Fireman

rc: Jerry Stiller .................. Frank Costanza (voice only, uncredited)

rc: Estelle Harris ............... Estelle Costanza (voice only, uncredited)

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.'

[Elaine's Office at Pendant]

(Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee table book about coffee tables.")

TOBY (exuberantly): These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine?

ELAINE (put off by Toby's exuberance): Yeah, really great.

TOBY: Oh, a coffee table book about coffee tables! (To Kramer) How did you come up with this idea?

KRAMER: It was there!

TOBY: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' (laughs)

ELAINE: You know actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...

KRAMER: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table?

TOBY: Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine and Jerry later that day.)

ELAINE (imitating Toby): 'Oooh, and that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates a winner on "The Price Is Right")

JERRY: Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."

ELAINE (uninterested): Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.

JERRY: You don't know? Come on, that's gold!

ELAINE: Well, I don't know about "gold."

JERRY: Oh, that's gold, baby.

ELAINE: 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?

JERRY: I was saying 'baby' way before George!

ELAINE: Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.

JERRY: Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night.

ELAINE: Yeah, who's he?

JERRY: He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly . I would like to have a good show.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Danke schoen, my little dumplings.

ELAINE: Hi.

KRAMER (to Elaine): Hey, how about that Toby, huh?

ELAINE: Yeah, how about her?

KRAMER: Ooh, she's a package full of energy!

ELAINE: Yeah, she's a package full of something.

KRAMER: Yeah, and that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity!

ELAINE (absolutely disgusted): Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down)

KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, are you performing tomorrow?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.

JERRY: Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there.

KRAMER: Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great!

JERRY (to Kramer): Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin.

KRAMER: Is that the waitress from the comedy club?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Oh.

ELAINE: What about her kid, is she bringing him, too?

KRAMER: She's got a kid?

JERRY: Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!

[Monk's]

(George and Robin in a booth. Robin's kid is under the table.)

GEORGE: Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets!

ROBIN: Do you think 25 kids is too much?

GEORGE: 25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. (tosses some Equal packets under the table)

ROBIN: So, what about entertainment? (to kid) Should I get Barney?

KID: No Barney!

ROBIN (to George): Maybe a clown.

GEORGE: How about Bozo?

KID: Who's Bozo?

GEORGE: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.

ROBIN: George...

GEORGE: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...

ROBIN: George...

GEORGE: He had a TV show! He had cartoons!

ROBIN: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.

GEORGE: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties w-with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...

(Flashback of George at seven, sitting in front of a birthday cake with a shocked expression on his face, while Frank and Estelle scream at him)

FRANK: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!

ESTELLE: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!

FRANK: Blow out the candles!!

(Return from flashback)

ROBIN: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.

GEORGE: Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.)

[Elaine's office at Pendant]

(Toby enters)

TOBY: Hi!

ELAINE (in a dreadful tone): Hi, Toby.

TOBY: How are you doing today?

ELAINE: Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you?

TOBY: Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?

ELAINE: Nope.

TOBY: He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president.

ELAINE: Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?

TOBY: No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house.

ELAINE: Really!?

TOBY: Maybe it'll be you!

ELAINE: Oh...well...

TOBY: You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion...

ELAINE (beaming): Well! Well, it could be you.

TOBY: No...

ELAINE: No, really.

TOBY (standing): Really? You think so?

ELAINE (humoring her): Sure.

TOBY: Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!

ELAINE: I mean, stranger things have happened...

TOBY: Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) I'd like that.

ELAINE: Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby.

TOBY: Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)

[Comedy Club]

(Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage)

JERRY: Hey, Ronnie.

RONNIE: Hey.

JERRY: (To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?

RONNIE: Yeah. You?

JERRY: Yeah.

RONNIE: You know Leonard Christian's here?

JERRY: Yeah, I know.

RONNIE: Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?

JERRY: (looking at his nostrils) I don't...think so.

RONNIE: Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?

JERRY: I don't...I dunno.

RONNIE: Is it possible for nostrils to expand?

JERRY: Oh, is this a bit?

RONNIE: Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun.

(Kramer and Toby enter.)

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: (turns to greet Kramer) Hey.

KRAMER: Well here's Toby, (points to Jerry in order to introduce him to Toby) Jerry.

TOBY: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before!

JERRY: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too.

TOBY (laughing): You are so funny!

JERRY: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.

TOBY: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)

KRAMER: What about me?

TOBY (serious): What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh.

JERRY: Good, good.

KRAMER (to Jerry): So, you up next?

JERRY: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?

TOBY: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' (laughs)

KRAMER: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?

JERRY: Yeah.

TOBY: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!

JERRY: O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)

TOBY: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!

(Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience near the front.)

JERRY: Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...

TOBY (loudly): Oh, really! Really! That is so true!

JERRY: Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.

TOBY: Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other audience members give her puzzled looks.)

JERRY (attempting to carry on despite Toby's interruptions): See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel...

TOBY: Oh, that is so true, yes!

JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.

TOBY: BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.)

JERRY: Yea, ya, so...anyway what was I talking about.

[Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!

KRAMER: Look, she didn't mean anything.

JERRY: Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!

KRAMER: She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!

(Toby enters.)

JERRY: Hey! What is wrong with you?!

TOBY: Me? Nothing's wrong with me.

JERRY: Y-You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!

TOBY: Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.

JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!

TOBY: Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it?

JERRY: Oh, I can take it.

TOBY (to Kramer): Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)

RONNIE: Hey, man. Good set.

[George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.]

GEORGE: Bozo?

ERIC: No.

GEORGE: B-O-Z-O?

ERIC: Sorry, I...

GEORGE: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?

ERIC: No!

GEORGE: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?

ERIC: I don't know, I just don't.

GEORGE: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?

ERIC: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown?

GEORGE: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?

ERIC: Well, what is he?

GEORGE: Yes, he's a clown!

ERIC: Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns!

GEORGE: Alright, just forget it.

ERIC: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man!

GEORGE: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! (chuckles) What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?

ROBIN'S MOTHER: Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man!

GEORGE: Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.)

ROBIN: Hi Mom, how's everything?

ROBIN'S MOTHER: Oh, this is just a wonderful party!

ROBIN: The burgers should be ready in a minute.

GEORGE: Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!

(The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.)

(Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on his face.)

GEORGE (to the EMTs): It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.)

ERIC: There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.)

ROBIN'S MOTHER: That's the coward that left us to die!

(Cut to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party.)

GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.

ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"!

GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where-where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?

ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!

GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?

GEORGE: Its not easy.

[Monk's]

(George and Jerry at the usual booth)

GEORGE: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.

JERRY: Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?

GEORGE: No, her too. And her mother.

JERRY: Really? Her mother.

GEORGE: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.

JERRY: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.

GEORGE: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.

JERRY: Hmm. So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.

GEORGE: To some degree.

JERRY: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.

GEORGE: In a manner of speaking.

JERRY: Yeah, well, it's honest.

GEORGE: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.

JERRY: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.

GEORGE: Perhaps.

JERRY: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?

GEORGE: Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.

JERRY: By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine)

GEORGE: What's that?

JERRY: It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.

GEORGE: Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling."

JERRY: I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.

GEORGE: You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.

JERRY: Yeah, right.

GEORGE: You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'

JERRY: Yeah, that'd be something.

GEORGE: I'm not kidding, you should do it.

JERRY: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.

GEORGE: Well, go ahead! Do it!

JERRY: Why can't I?

GEORGE: No reason!

JERRY: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!

GEORGE: This is unprecedented!

JERRY: There's no precedent, baby!

GEORGE: What...are you using my babies now?

[Toby in her office at Pendant.]

(Jerry pokes his head in the door.)

JERRY: Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'

TOBY: You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!

JERRY: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?

TOBY: Well, how would you like it if I called security?

JERRY: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!

TOBY: No, (gets up out of her chair) that's it. (Kramer arrives; to Kramer) Get out of the way.

(Toby upset; storms out.)

KRAMER: Hey, what's going on?

JERRY: Boo!

KRAMER: What's happenin' here?

JERRY: Hiss!

KRAMER: (going after Toby) Toby! Toby!

(Cut to a scene of the street outside. We hear screeching tires)

TOBY: (voice; screaming) My pinky toe!

KRAMER: (voice; yelling) Toby! (Shot of a shocked Kramer is shown) Oh, Oh!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer and Jerry)

KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?

JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.

JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.

GEORGE: What accident?

KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable!

KRAMER: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.

GEORGE: Wha.. you ran?

KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."

GEORGE: Holy cow!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold!

GEORGE: How could you do that?!

KRAMER: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.

GEORGE: You're Batman.

KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.

JERRY: You kept makin' all the stops?

KRAMER: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!

GEORGE: Well, wha-what about the toe? What happened to the toe?

KRAMER: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.

GEORGE: You did all this...for a pinky toe?

KRAMER: Well, it's a valuable appendage.

[Elaine's office at Pendant]

(Elaine talking with two co-workers.)

JOANNE: So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it.

ELAINE: Really.

JOANNE: Yea, poor kid. What an ordeal.

MICHAEL: And you know how extremely sensitive she is?

ELAINE: I know.

MICHAEL: She's gonna need our full support.

ELAINE (wearily): Yeah, right.

OTHER CO-WORKERS IN HALLWAY: Look who's here! Toby! (Toby enters on crutches.)

MICHAEL: Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?

TOBY: Oh no, no thank you.

MICHAEL: Toby please let us help. We're family.

TOBY: Oh well, I could use some coffee.

(A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine and Jerry)

JERRY: She got the promotion?

ELAINE (standing in the doorway): Yep.

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

JERRY: Too bad.

ELAINE: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?

JERRY: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'

ELAINE: Why don't you just shut the f-

KRAMER (from his doorway): Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted!

ELAINE: Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??

KRAMER: Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible.

ELAINE: Oh, wonderful!

KRAMER: You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face.

ELAINE: Oh, of course! She's deranged.

[Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.]

JERRY: I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.

RONNIE: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?

JERRY: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!

RONNIE: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.

JERRY: Yeah well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.

RONNIE: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.

JERRY: Yeah, well, it won't be long.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY: Gotta go. (heads out on stage)

(George enters and sees Robin working.)

GEORGE: Robin? Robin!

ROBIN: George, what is it? I'm working.

GEORGE: Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed.

ROBIN: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.)

JERRY: I mean, Bozo the Clown...I mean does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...

(Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.)

GEORGE: ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance.

ROBIN: L-listen, Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks away.)

GEORGE: Alright, but I'm serious about this.

RONNIE (points his water gun at the bartender): Alright, hand it over man!

(Cut back to Jerry onstage.)

JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.

GEORGE (from backstage): He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Get out of the way! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.)

(Cut back to George in the bar.)

ROBIN: George! This is Ronnie Kaye!

GEORGE: The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?

RONNIE (points to his nose): Nostrils.

(Jerry comes backstage.)

JERRY: George - could I have a word?

[Closing Monologue]

I was in a hotel room the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel room they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'

The End

S5E21 - The Hamptons

Broadcast date: May 12, 1994

Written by Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Melanie Smith  .................... Rachel

Lisa Mende ........................ Carol

Melora Walters  ................. Jane

Richard Burgi   .................. Ben

Mark L. Taylor  ................ Michael

Jesse D. Goins  .................. Cop

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I find the human fascination with water is amazing. We're constantly going to beaches, pools, lakes, rivers, we're swimming, we're snorkeling, we're-we're scuba diving, we bathe in it, our bodies are mostly made of water, everyone is caring around these bottles of water. We can't get enough water, unless it rains then we're like, "Oh, look I'm soaked. I am literally drenched." For some reason we have a huge problem with small flying water. I-It'll just stop us right in our tracks. "Uh, I felt a drop, We're gonna get caught in it! Everyone cover your water bottles, run!!"

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry driving, with Elaine in passenger seat and Kramer in back seat)

KRAMER: All right, get off at the next exit.

JERRY: Kramer, I've driven to east Hampton many times, I know the exit.

KRAMER: It's a great house, pool, sun deck? Yeah, I'll be there.

JERRY: (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?

ELAINE: We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.

JERRY: Didn't they just have a baby?

ELAINE: That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'

JERRY: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Put that on the top of your list.

JERRY: No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.

ELAINE: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?

JERRY: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.

ELAINE: When's Rachel comin' out?

JERRY: She's makin' the three o'clock train.

ELAINE: Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.

JERRY: I bought him some kishka.

KRAMER: What's that?

JERRY: It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them.

(Elaine laughs)

[George and Jane in another car driving to the Hamptons.]

GEORGE: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.

JANE: Me too. I love cough medicine.

GEORGE: You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.

JANE: What's your favorite?

GEORGE: Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?

JANE: No.

GEORGE: Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.

JANE: Are we almost there?

GEORGE: Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.

JANE: What for?

GEORGE: My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.

JANE: Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun.

[George, Jane, Kramer, and Jerry outside of the house in the back.]

KRAMER: Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.

JERRY: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?

KRAMER: Come on, I'll rub some on yours.

JERRY: No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.

GEORGE: (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.

JANE: (No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited.

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride?

JANE: I don't think so.

GEORGE: 'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?

JERRY: No thanks.

KRAMER: No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)

JANE: I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters with a shady hat on)

JERRY: And then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry)

ELAINE: Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?

JERRY: No lines.

ELAINE: You know why? One word: shade.

JERRY: So when are we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?

ELAINE: I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something.

KRAMER: I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come?

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.

JERRY: (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Jane's topless. (They all look)

KRAMER: Yo yo ma.

JERRY: Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

ELAINE: Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)

CAROL: Come on, you guys. You can come and see the bay-bee!

JERRY: Oh, in a minute, Carol.

KRAMER: We're gonna be right there.

JERRY: This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.

ELAINE: Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?

KRAMER: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: You know, get some good word of mouth goin'.

JERRY: Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters)

JANE: I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?

(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer are shocked)

JERRY: No thanks.

ELAINE: I'm good.

KRAMER: Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach.

(Carol enters the Bay-bee's room with Elaine, Jerry, and husband Michael not far behind.)

CAROL: Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here.

ELAINE: Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.

CAROL: Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened and turn away)

ELAINE: Ugghh.

CAROL: Is she gorgeous? (Elaine and Jerry looking away)

ELAINE: Oh, gorgeous, yes.

JERRY: So very gorgeous.

CAROL: Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.

(Cut to Kramer on the beach with some girls, then using a metal detector, then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet.)

(Jerry and Elaine gasping for air outside after they just left the baby's room.)

JERRY: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?

ELAINE: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.

JERRY: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.

ELAINE: Oh, you have to lie.

JERRY: It's a must lie situation.

ELAINE: Yes, it's a must lie situation.

JERRY: You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.

ELAINE: No, I don't think so.

JERRY: In fact remind me to tell Kramer too.

[Cut to Kramer reeling in a box of lobster on the ocean.]

KRAMER: Oooh, lobsters.

[Carol and the baby's doctor with the baby]

BEN: Oh this ointment should do it.

CAROL: How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.

ELAINE: Hi.

CAROL: Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous?

ELAINE: (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.

BEN: Elaine, you have children?

ELAINE: Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.

BEN: A beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking.

ELAINE: Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?

CAROL: And he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right?

BEN: Uh, Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby)

JERRY: Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.

ELAINE: Yeah, see ya.

JERRY: Okay. (He leaves)

CAROL: Oh, just look at him!

BEN: Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his comment)

[Jerry and Rachel outside]

RACHEL: Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.

JERRY: Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)

GEORGE: Hey Rachel!

RACHEL: (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change.

(She leaves)

GEORGE: What kind of a greeting was that?

JERRY: She's got greeting problems.

GEORGE: Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.

JERRY: Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!

GEORGE: Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)

JERRY: You got lobster for everybody?

KRAMER: Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.

GEORGE: This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner...

KRAMER: I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)

GEORGE: You saw who, what?

KRAMER: Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.

JERRY: (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.

GEORGE: You saw Jane topless?

JERRY: Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.

GEORGE: Oh you mean face down on her chest.

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Face up on her back?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Well why'd she do that?

KRAMER: I guess she was hot.

GEORGE: You mean she just laid there topless?

KRAMER: No, no, she got up, she walked around...

GEORGE: Walked around? And you looked?

KRAMER: Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back.

GEORGE: I can't believe that you saw her before me.

JERRY: Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)

GEORGE: Well, how good a look did you get?

JERRY: Well what'd you mean?

GEORGE: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...

JERRY: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

GEORGE: Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.

JERRY: (looking of into the distance) I guess that's true...

GEORGE: Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.

JERRY: What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?

GEORGE: Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.

JERRY: You can see me naked. I can offer you that.

GEORGE: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.

[Jerry and Rachel in their room, with Elaine there as well]

ELAINE: Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.

JERRY: I've never been called breathtaking either.

ELAINE: I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?

JERRY: Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.

ELAINE: Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.

JERRY: How are you gonna do that?

ELAINE: I can be very clever.

RACHEL: I'm gonna take a swim.

ELAINE: Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.

GEORGE: Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in)

RACHEL: Hey!

GEORGE: Oh, sorry.

RACHEL: Don't you knock?

GEORGE: I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.

JERRY: You might have.

GEORGE: I didn't.

JERRY: You won't.

RACHEL: What'd you want anyway, George?

JERRY: Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?

GEORGE: No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.

JERRY: Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.

GEORGE: Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up.

RACHEL: We don't have any gum.

GEORGE: Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)

RACHEL: Strange man.

JERRY: Wait'll you get to know him.

RACHEL: So where is this baby, anyway?

JERRY: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)

RACHEL: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)

GEORGE: (realizing he was short changed) I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

[Jerry and George talking in Jerry's room]

GEORGE: Did she do it on purpose?

JERRY: It was my fault, I told her the wrong door.

GEORGE: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...

JERRY: But...

GEORGE: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...

JERRY: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.

GEORGE: Yes. Significant shrinkage.

JERRY: So you feel you were short changed.

GEORGE: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

JERRY: Well, so what's the difference?

GEORGE: What if she discusses it with Jane?

JERRY: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

GEORGE: How do you know?

JERRY: Women aren't like us.

GEORGE: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

JERRY: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.

GEORGE: How do women know about shrinkage?

JERRY: Isn't it common knowledge?

GEORGE & JERRY: (Elaine walking down the hall they notice her and wave her into the room) Elaine! Get! (She enters)

GEORGE: Do women know about shrinkage?

ELAINE: What do you mean, like laundry?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

ELAINE: It shrinks?

JERRY: Like a frightened turtle!

ELAINE: Why does it shrink?

GEORGE: It just does.

ELAINE: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

[Everyone at the dinner table eating Kramer's lobster.]

MICHAEL: Thanks for the lobster, Kramer.

KRAMER: Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?

RACHEL: Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish.

KRAMER: You mean you've never tasted lobster?

RACHEL: No.

KRAMER: Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you're gonna get some special attention.

(Baby is heard crying)

CAROL: Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us.

ELAINE & JERRY: No!

JERRY: No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.

ELAINE: Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're-We're not fun for a baby.

JERRY: Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.

CAROL: I'm gonna get him.

GEORGE: See, look at this. (wearing a very tight shirt) Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.

ELAINE: Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)

GEORGE: What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?

JANE: It's nothing, George.

GEORGE: You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me?

JANE: What is it with you?

JERRY: (To George) Easy big fella.

MICHAEL: So Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the Fleesher's Market?

KRAMER: No, I got 'em in the ocean.

MICHAEL: The ocean? What'd you mean?

KRAMER: Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up.

MICHAEL: Those are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law.

KRAMER: Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.

MICHAEL: My father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine! He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)

CAROL: (Entering with baby) Here he is.

KRAMER: Ahhh! (Shocked after seeing the baby)

[Out on the porch, Ben and Elaine]

ELAINE: Some night, huh?

BEN: Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.

ELAINE: Some dinner, huh?

BEN: Nothing like fresh caught lobster.

ELAINE: Some house, huh?

BEN: It was built by Mark Fargman. He build a lot of these homes here.

ELAINE: Some ugly baby, huh?

BEN: What did you say?

ELAINE: (improvising) I said, uh, some snuggly baby.

BEN: He is something.

ELAINE: Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.

BEN: Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby)

[Rachel and Jerry in their room]

JERRY: You told her?

RACHEL: Yeah, what's the big deal?

JERRY: You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.

RACHEL: Jerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.

[In Jane & George's room, Jane is packing her things]

GEORGE: You're going back to New York now?

JANE: Yeah, I have some things to do.

GEORGE: Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.

JANE: So what if I did?

GEORGE: And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?

JANE: I don't know what you're talking about.

GEORGE: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it should be, and more!

JANE: (patronizing George) I'm sure it is.

GEORGE: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.

[Rachel enters the kitchen with Kramer sitting at table. Rachel opens fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar]

KRAMER: You looking for this? (Holding up lobster)

RACHEL: Oh, Kramer! You startled me.

KRAMER: Well, I thought you might wind up around here.

RACHEL: Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much an' well I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?

KRAMER: No I'm afraid I couldn't do that.

RACHEL: Why not?

KRAMER: Well, that wouldn't be kosher.

RACHEL: C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it.

KRAMER: Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.

RACHEL: Come on, Kramer.

KRAMER: Heyahhh!

[Rachel walks back into Jerry's bedroom.]

RACHEL: I just heard a car drive out. What was that?

JERRY: Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked)

[Breakfast table the next morning, George cooking]

CAROL: George, thanks so much for making breakfast.

ELAINE: George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.

KRAMER: Ya I didn't know you could cook.

GEORGE: Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.

BEN: Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (hearing this Elaine looks at him extremely annoyed)

(Rachel and Jerry enter)

RACHEL: Good morning.

ALL: Hey, hey. Morning

RACHEL: Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me.

MICHAEL: What happened?

RACHEL: Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.

KRAMER: Well I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.

RACHEL: You're right, I would have.

JERRY: (Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.

GEORGE: A little breakfast.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?

RACHEL: Yes, I do. Thank you.

JERRY: Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?

RACHEL: Umm... This is so good.

GEORGE: Ah, enjoying them?

RACHEL: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. (Holds up lobster bib)

RACHEL: There's lobster in these eggs?

GEORGE: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.

(Rachel storms out of room)

JERRY: Well, I guess I gotta go, too.

ELAINE: Well, this has turned out to be one helluva weekend. (Policeman knocks on door, Michael answers)

MICHAEL: Excuse me?

POLICE: I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher that uh cleaned out on of the traps.

KRAMER: Wonder what's goin' on.

GEORGE: Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.

MICHAEL: There he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer waves to policeman)

[George walks into Jerry and Rachel's room]

RACHEL: Ahh! Don't you ever knock?

[Jerry, Elaine, and George in the car.]

GEORGE: I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol.

ELAINE: Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either.

JERRY: I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.

ELAINE: How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?

JERRY: They got some sort of program.

[Cut to Kramer picks up trash on the side of the road, watched by a police officer.]

[Back to the car with Jerry, Elaine and George]

GEORGE: Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.

JERRY: Hey, isn't that Michael's car?

ELAINE: There's Rachel.

GEORGE: Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)

[Closing Monologue]

Look at the work that people will do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even really want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25 miles?"

The End

S5E22 - The Opposite

Broadcast date: May 19, 1994

Written by Andy Cowan and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Tom Cherones

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Marty Rackham .................. Jake Jarmel

Siobhan Fallon .................... Tina

Paul Gleason ...................... Cushman

Dedee Pfeiffer ................... Victoria

Melanie Smith .................... Rachel

Regis Philbin ...................... Himself

Kathie Lee Gifford ............ Herself

Hiram Kasten .................... Michael

French Stewart .................. Manager

Ken Takemoto ................... Chairman

Fritz Mashimo .................... Interpreter

Susan Segal ........................ Waitress

Oscar Jordan ...................... Counterperson

Rolando Molina ................. Punk #1

Michael Friedman .............. Punk #2

Marvin Braverman ............ Poker Player #1

Wesley Thompson ............. Poker Player #2

Jeff Barton ........................ Poker Player #3

Jeffrey Von Meyer ............ Poker Player #4

Larry David ...................... Voice of George Steinbrenner (uncredited)

rc: Jerry Stiller ................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza

rc: Richard Fancy ............... Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

It seems pretty hard to justify, at this point in human history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, got everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? Well, actually have a monogram sewn on to it. What is the source of pride here? We-ah-uh, sticking out of the breast pocket of our jacket. 'I have a snot rag.'

[A sad-looking George staring out at the ocean.]

[Mr. Lippman's Office at Pendant]

(Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne)

MR. LIPPMAN: To your promotion.

ELAINE: Oh, thank you! (They drink) Mmm, Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.

MR. LIPPMAN: Well, you're really on your way now.

(Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently)

ELAINE: You really oughtta do something about that cold.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)

JERRY: You got a raise?

ELAINE: I don't fool around, (banging on the table) baby!

JERRY: I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.

ELAINE: They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.

JERRY: Oh, when did that happen?

ELAINE: They're signing the papers next week.

JERRY: Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?

ELAINE: Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.

JERRY: Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.

ELAINE: Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.

JERRY: Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.

(Enter George)

JERRY: Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?

GEORGE: I went to the beach. (Jerry and Elaine exchange looks)

JERRY: Oh, the beach.

(Elaine laughs)

GEORGE: It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. (sits down next to Elaine)

JERRY: What is it that isn't working?

GEORGE: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. (Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.

JERRY: (pointing to napkins; to Elaine) Could I get napkin over there?

GEORGE: It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. (chuckles) Everywhere.

(A waitress comes up to George)

WAITRESS : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

GEORGE: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, un-toasted with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea. (laughs)

ELAINE: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

JERRY: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it. (hand motion of the tuna swimming with it)

GEORGE: (annoyed) Good for the tuna.

(A blonde looks at George)

ELAINE: Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

GEORGE: So what? What am I supposed to do?

ELAINE: Go talk to her.

GEORGE: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

JERRY: Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

GEORGE: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

JERRY: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

GEORGE: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

(He goes over to the woman)

GEORGE: Excuse me, uh I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

VICTORIA: Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

(George takes a deep breath)

GEORGE: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

VICTORIA: I'm Victoria. Hi.

(George amazed at her response turns and looks toward Jerry and Elaine who are off screen)

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (on the phone) Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!

JERRY: What's happening?

KRAMER: The coffee table book. It's a go-oo!

JERRY: Oh yeah, I heard all about it.

KRAMER: You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee.

JERRY: You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?

KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it!

JERRY: I'll loan you my puffy shirt.

KRAMER: No, no, no.

JERRY: What're you gonna talk about?

KRAMER: Well, coffee tables.

(The phone rings)

JERRY: Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone; turns to Kramer) You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.

KRAMER: You know who you are? Even Steven

[George's car]

(George and Victoria)

VICTORIA: Are you growing a beard?

GEORGE: Why shave every day? It just grows right back.

VICTORIA: I guess ...

GEORGE: I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.

(A car cuts in in front of them, George has to make a sudden maneuver)

VICTORIA: Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!

GEORGE: Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.

[Movie Theater]

(two young men are sitting behind George and Victoria)

MAN #1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?

MAN #2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!

(Both laughing, they kick George and Victoria's seats)

VICTORIA: What are we gonna do? Should we just move?

GEORGE: That won't be necessary.

(Both men are still laughing very loudly; George gets up and turns towards the two men)

GEORGE: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!

(People applaud as George sits down again)

[George's car]

VICTORIA: Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.

GEORGE: I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.

VICTORIA: Who are you, George Costanza?

GEORGE: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

[Movie Theater

(Elaine is in the lobby)

THEATER MANAGER: Excuse me, is your name Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes.

THEATER MANAGER: Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?

ELAINE: Yeah.

THEATER MANAGER: Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.

ELAINE: (gasp) An accident? What happened?

THEATER MANAGER: Well-he got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent Hospital, room 907.

ELAINE: Oh. Ok. Thank you.

(She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter)

ELAINE: Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?

COUNTERPERSON: (handing the Jujyfruits to Elaine) There you go.

[Hospital]

(Elaine with Jake in his room)

JAKE: So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.

ELAINE: (With her mouth full of Jujyfruit) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.

(Jake looks at Elaine eating)

ELAINE: You want one?

JAKE: No thanks.

ELAINE: So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?

JAKE: Where did you get those?

ELAINE: At the movies.

JAKE: Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?

ELAINE: Yeah, he did.

JAKE: Then when did you get those?

ELAINE: Right after ... that ...

JAKE: So you heard that I was in a car accident, and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

ELAINE: Well... the counter...was right there, and...

JAKE: I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.

ELAINE: No, no, it does!

JAKE: (angry) If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!

ELAINE: But...Jake...

JAKE: I would like to be alone now, please.

ELAINE: But, Jake, I didn't...

JAKE: Goodnight!

(Elaine is forced to leave.)

[Jerry's apartment]

(End of Jerry's poker night)

POKER PLAYER #1: Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?

POKER PLAYER #2: Good idea, I'm kinda tired.

POKER PLAYER #3: How'd you do?

POKER PLAYER #4: Won 50.

POKER PLAYER #2: Lost 72.

POKER PLAYER #1: Won 37.

POKER PLAYER #3: Lost 15.

JERRY: (shocked) Broke even.

["Regis and Kathy Lee"]

REGIS: Can I bring out our next guest now?

KATHY LEE: Please, please.

REGIS: Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part -

KATHY LEE: I love this.

REGIS: It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! (holds the book up for the audience)

KATHY LEE: Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!

REGIS: I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?

KATHY LEE: I did.

REGIS: I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?

KATHY LEE: I love his hair.

REGIS: Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer!

(Kramer comes in)

REGIS: (shaking Kramer's hand) Hello, Kramer is here.

(Kramer gets Kathy Lee's hand and pulls her in for a kiss)

KATHY LEE: I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!

REGIS: Ah, well, yes Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, uh Regis... actually, this is a true story. I umm I was skiing at the time.

REGIS: You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, you're writing books!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!

KATHY LEE: Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I-I love coffee tables, and I-I thought I was the only one.

KRAMER: You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.

(Demonstrates with his book)

KATHY LEE: Is that fabulous?

REGIS: Look at this!

KATHY LEE: Is that fabulous?

REGIS: Fabulous!

KATHY LEE: I want one of these.

REGIS: Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?

KATHY LEE: This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.

KRAMER: That's true. That's right.

REGIS: Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?

KRAMER: Oh, it's on file, right here. (points to his head)

REGIS: I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!

KATHY LEE: But he's adorable.

REGIS: Ya he is, he's a nice looking guy.

(Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress)

KATHY LEE: It's all over my dress.

REGIS: We'll be right back in a moment.

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: So it's all over?

ELAINE: Yeah, it got pretty nasty.

JERRY: And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?

ELAINE: It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.

JERRY: Why didn't you eat it in the cab?

ELAINE: Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.

(Elaine points to the table)

ELAINE: What's all this?

JERRY: Played cards last night.

ELAINE: Oh yeah? How'd you do?

JERRY: Broke even.

ELAINE: You always break even.

JERRY: Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!

ELAINE: Do you have twenty bucks?

JERRY: What for?

ELAINE: Just gimme twenty bucks.

(Elaine takes the money and throws it out the window)

JERRY: (shocked) What the hell was that?

ELAINE: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.

JERRY: You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.

ELAINE: You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -

JERRY: Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.

(George comes in)

GEORGE: Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -

JERRY: Bad.

GEORGE: Day was -

ELAINE: Night.

GEORGE: Yes!

JERRY: So you just did the opposite of everything?

GEORGE: Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.

JERRY: So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.

GEORGE: Yes funny (laughs; hand clap) let's go.

(George rushes out, Jerry and Elaine follow him. Jerry puts his hand in his pocket)

JERRY: Elaine ... look! A twenty!

ELAINE: (not wanting to believe it) Oh my God.

[Mr. Lippman's office]

KRAMER: Hey boss.

MR. LIPPMAN: Kramer. Come in.

KRAMER: How're you doin' there, big guy? (Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian)

MR. LIPPMAN: Uh, Ya, Have a seat.

KRAMER: Al-righty (sits down) Have you got yourself a cold?

(Mr. Lippman sneezes, Kramer jumps in his chair)

KRAMER: Woah, that's quite a honk!

MR. LIPPMAN: Ya, thank you.

KRAMER: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.

MR. LIPPMAN: The reason I asked you in here, is I-I caught your appearance on uh "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and -

KRAMER: Ya that was pretty good, huh?

(New sneeze, Kramer jumps again)

MR. LIPPMAN: An-Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best i-if you uh didn't do any more of these shows.

KRAMER: Because of the coffee thing?

MR. LIPPMAN: Kramer, I'm sorry.

KRAMER: What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?

MR. LIPPMAN: It's out -

KRAMER: She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.

MR. LIPPMAN: Kra-Kramer, I -

(Mr. Lippman sneezes again, Kramer falls out of his chair)

[Yankee Stadium)

(George's job interview)

MR. CUSHMAN: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?

GEORGE: Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I uh got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.

MR. CUSHMAN: Go on.

GEORGE: Ah, Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.

MR. CUSHMAN: Do you talk to everybody like this?

GEORGE: Of course.

MR. CUSHMAN: My niece told me you were different.

GEORGE: I am different, yeah.

MR. CUSHMAN: I gotta tell ya, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. (gets out of his chair) Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. (George gets up and goes over) This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Nice to meet you.

GEORGE: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

MR. STEINBRENNER: Hire this man!

(Cushman turns, shocked)

[Pendant Publishing]

SECRETARY: Tina Robbins is here to see you.

MAN: Who's that?

ELAINE: Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, I-I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.

MAN: Alright, see ya. (Meets Tina in the door) Hey.

TINA: Please.

ELAINE: Hi Tina.

TINA: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: So, I haven't seen you in a while.

TINA: Elaine, we have a problem.

ELAINE: Well, what is it?

TINA: You're getting kicked out.

ELAINE: Kicked out?! Why?!

TINA: Well, there's been a number of complaints.

ELAINE: Yeah? Like what?

TINA: Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.

ELAINE: Ah, I didn't know who he was!

TINA: That's why there's a buzzer.

ELAINE: What else?

TINA: Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.

ELAINE: What else have you got?

TINA: Well, let's see. (Takes out a list from her bag)

(Elaine sighs)

[Monk's]

JERRY: I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.

RACHEL: I suppose...

JERRY: Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.

RACHEL: (sighs) Jerry ...

JERRY: Yes?

RACHEL: I've been doing a lot of thinking.

JERRY: Uh huh?

RACHEL: Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.

JERRY: Oh, that's okay.

RACHEL: (confused) What?

JERRY: Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.

RACHEL: You will?

JERRY: Sure. See, things always even out for me.

RACHEL: Huh?

JERRY: It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And uh good luck!

RACHEL: Yeah, you too.

JERRY: (leaving; singing) She'll be coming around the mountain...

[Jerry's apartment]

(George and Jerr)

JERRY: The New York Yankees?!

GEORGE: The New York Yankees!

JERRY: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?

GEORGE: I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with 'em! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!

JERRY: I can't believe it.

(buzzer)

GEORGE: Ya!

JERRY: Ya?

ELAINE: (on buzzer) It's me.

JERRY: (buzzes Elaine up) Come on up.

GEORGE: And I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?

JERRY: That's a great place!

GEORGE: I'm back in business, baby!

JERRY: George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.

GEORGE: Hey! (to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful)

JERRY: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: How're things going?

ELAINE: How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!

JERRY: Why? Why are they doing that?

ELAINE: I don't know! They have a list of grievances.

JERRY: The jewel thief?

ELAINE: Yeah, the jewel thief.

JERRY: What else?

ELAINE: I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. (disappointed) I gotta be out by the end of the month.

GEORGE: Well, you could move in with my parents. (chuckles)

ELAINE: Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct? (She squeezes George's mouth between her fingers)

GEORGE: Instinct.

ELAINE: Stick ... with the opposite. (Slaps George on the forehead)

JERRY: Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down. Now he's up, (switches the positioning of his hands) you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?

[Pendant Publishing]

SECRETARY: Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.

MR. LIPPMAN: Oh ya alright... tell them I'll be right there. (tosses his handkerchief on Elaine's desk so he can tie his shoe) Oh man well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us.

(Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief)

ELAINE: (noticing the forgotten handkerchief tries to stop call for Mr. Lippman with a mouth full of jujifruit) Oh, Mr. Lippman you forgot your handkerchief. Mr. Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.

(Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen who are in his office. While still in the hallway he sneezes outside his office. He no realizes he forgot his handkerchief)

CHAIRMAN: (noticing Mr. Lippman in the hallway) Ah Lippman son. (Lippman smiles and is forced to enter his office) Lippman son. (speaks some Japanese)

INTERPRETER: Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company.

(The Japansese Chairman reaches out his hand to shake Mr Lippman's)

MR. LIPPMAN: I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.

(This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere)

[George's parents' house]

JERRY: Is that the end of it?

GEORGE: Yeah, it's the last one.

JERRY: Alright.

ESTELLE: I can't believe you're moving out. (Grabs Kramer) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream.

KRAMER: Oh, it's true.

GEORGE: Alright, let's go.

FRANK: Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. (Slaps George's forehead)

GEORGE: I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.

ESTELLE: Jerry, did you hear this?

JERRY: He knows what he's doing.

(George pulls both his parents to him)

GEORGE: I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.

(Kramer and Jerry look at each other)

JERRY: Opposite.

[Monk's]

(Kramer, Jerry and Elaine at the usual booth; Elaine is rather underdressed)

ELAINE: I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!

JERRY: Why'd you have to eat so many?

ELAINE: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.

JERRY: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.

KRAMER: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? YEA!

ELAINE: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.

JERRY: Don't say that.

ELAINE: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

(Enter George, dressed in a Yankees suit)

GEORGE: Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! (Sits down, says to waitress :) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. (Turns to the Gang) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - (to Elaine) he's the first base man.

ELAINE: Uh huh.

GEORGE: We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , 'Donny, go with it 'till it stops workin'.' Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.

(Jerry and Kramer pay the check)

KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.

JERRY: Ah ... let's call it even.

[Closing monologue]

Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol, and maybe a rag for your squeegee.

The End

Season 6

S6E1 - The Chaperone

Broadcast date: September 22, 1994

Written by Larry David, Bill Masters & Bob Shaw

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Gail Strickland  .................... Landis

Marguerite MacIntyre ......... Karen (Miss Rhode Island)

Danny Tartabull  ................. Himself

Buck Showalter   ................. Himself

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ........... Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.

[Opening scene - A locker room at Yankee Stadium. George is helping Danny Tartabull with his swing.]

GEORGE: O.K., Danny, take a swing. (Tartabull swings the bat.) N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.

TARTABULL: Really?

GEORGE: No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!

TARTABULL (wiping sweat from his brow): Alright, alright.

GEORGE: What are all sweatin' for?

TARTABULL: It's hot in this uniform.

GEORGE: Hot? (Feels Tartabull's material.) What is this?

TARTBULL: What is what?

GEORGE: This uniform, what's it made from?

TARTBULL: I don't know, cotton?

GEORGE: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. (Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.) Will you stop it? (Looks at the tag.) Oh. Of course. Polyester!

TARTABULL: So?

GEORGE: I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.

TARTABULL: Well, this is what they give us.

GEORGE: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?

TARTABULL: You really think cotton's better?

GEORGE: Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.

TARTABULL: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. (Leaves.)

GEORGE: Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. (George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something in his back.)

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine watching the ball game in the stands.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!

ELAINE: Oh, you want one?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.)

JERRY: That's alright, I got it.

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: Elaine, stop it.

ELAINE: Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!

JERRY: I'm sorry.

ANNOUNCER ON P.A. SYSTEM: Your attention please...the New York Yankees would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this weekend in Atlantic City. (The three contestants make their way to their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.)

JERRY (to Elaine): Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.

ELAINE: Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.

JERRY: Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?

ELAINE: Yeah, she was an editor.

JERRY: Right, just like you.

ELAINE: Yeah. Can you hold my seat? (Elaine gets up.)

CROWD: Hey! Down in front! (Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.)

JERRY (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island): Hot dog?

MISS RHODE ISLAND: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.

JERRY: Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh...

MISS RHODE ISLAND: Rhode Island.

JERRY: I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)

[New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment later that day.]

GEORGE: Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?

JERRY: Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.

GEORGE: You're incredible.

JERRY: And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.

GEORGE: What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!

JERRY: The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.

GEORGE: Chaperone? What, are you kidding?

JERRY: No, it's part of the contest rules.

GEORGE: What does the chaperone do?

JERRY: I don't know, she just sits there.

GEORGE: Can she talk?

JERRY: I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)

GEORGE: You're calling her?

JERRY: Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?

GEORGE: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?

JERRY: Of course, they're polyester.

GEORGE: Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.

JERRY: Why do they wear polyester?

GEORGE: I don't know. That's all gonna change.

JERRY: You're going to do something about it?

GEORGE: Why shouldn't I?

JERRY (doubtfully): No reason...

[New scene - Elaine at her job interview at Doubleday with Mrs. Landis.]

LANDIS: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.

ELAINE (gushing): Yes! Grace!

LANDIS: Not many people have grace.

ELAINE: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie -

LANDIS: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you...don't.

ELAINE: O.K., fine, I have...no grace.

LANDIS: And you can't acquire grace.

ELAINE: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.

LANDIS: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.

ELAINE (fed up): Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?

LANDIS: Thank you for coming in.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, right.

LANDIS: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.

ELAINE (stands up): I have no chance, do I?

LANDIS: No. (They shake hands.)

LANDIS'S INTERCOM: Justin Pitt to see you.

ELAINE: Justin Pitt?

LANDIS: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.

ELAINE: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.

LANDIS: Excuse me?

ELAINE: Nothing. (Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.)

PITT: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.

LANDIS: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. (Elaine turns around. With sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie O.)

PITT (clearly affected by Elaine's appearance): Charmed.

ELAINE: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...

[Cut back to Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone with Miss Rhode Island.]

JERRY: Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?

KRAMER: Nothin.'

JERRY: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?

KRAMER: What state?

JERRY: Rhode Island.

KRAMER: They're never in contention.

GEORGE: How do you know?

KRAMER: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.

JERRY: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.

KRAMER: Giddy-up!

JERRY (to Karen): I think I got someone!

[New scene - Elaine and Mr. Pitt having lunch at the coffee shop.]

PITT (looking at Elaine and smiling): The resemblance is uncanny. (Elaine, sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.) Even the brown eyes.

ELAINE: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.

PITT: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.

ELAINE: Grace?

PITT: Grace, yes.

ELAINE: You think Ihave grace?

PITT: Some grace, yes.

ELAINE: Just some?

PITT: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.

ELAINE (laughing): Oh, Mr. Pitt.

PITT: Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant. Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right away.

[New scene - George approaches Buck Showalter at Yankee Stadium.]

GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?

SHOWALTER: Sure, George.

GEORGE: How's everything going? Everything O.K.?

SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...

GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.

SHOWALTER: How so?

GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.

SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?

GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're happier - they're gonna play better.

SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.

GEORGE: Oh - I've got something.

SHOWALTER (considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Congratulations!

ELAINE: Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.

JERRY: Now, what is it that you do, exactly?

ELAINE: I attend to his personal affairs.

JERRY: Like what?

ELAINE: Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.

JERRY: Really! Socks!

ELAINE: Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.

JERRY: Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER (shows Jerry his outfit): So, what do you think? Does this work?

JERRY: Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.

KRAMER: No way!

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

JERRY: I'm not going to "defile" her!

KRAMER: That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.

JERRY: But -

KRAMER (holds up his hand): AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.

JERRY: But wait a minute...

KRAMER: Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! (Jerry tries to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an inch.)

[New scene - Jerry and Kramer at the restaurant with Miss Rhode Island.]

KRAMER: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?

KAREN: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!

JERRY: That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -

KRAMER (to Karen): What advice would you give young people?

JERRY: Alright, Kramer!

KRAMER: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.

KAREN: You really know a lot about this, don't you?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.

KAREN: Well, what could she have done?

KRAMER: Tape her breasts together. (Jerry is shocked.)

KAREN: What else?

KRAMER: Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.

JERRY: Hey, come on!

KAREN: No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.

KRAMER: Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.

KAREN: Really.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.

JERRY: I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)

KRAMER: So, what's your talent?

KAREN: Magic.

KRAMER: Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.

KAREN: Six.

KRAMER: No, five. But you were close.

[Cut to Jerry on his way past the restaurant bar. He notices the ballgame on TV.]

ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!

ANNOUNCER #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different tonight? I can't put my finger on it...

ANNOUNCER #1: Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton uniforms.

ANNOUNCER #2: They seem blousier, softer...

ANNOUNCER #1: Well, it is a natural fibre...

(Jerry shakes his head and continues on his way.)

[New scene - Jerry, Karen and Kramer heading home in the limo. Kramer is still going on about the pageant.]

KRAMER: How's your evening?

KAREN: Well, I'm wearing this red dress -

KRAMER: Stop right there.

KAREN: No good?

KRAMER: Disaster.

KAREN: Why?

KRAMER: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.

KAREN: That makes sense. (The limo stops at Karen's hotel.)

JERRY: Well, here we are...

KAREN: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the pageant?

KRAMER: Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we don't play at all.

KAREN: I am in your hands. (They shake hands.) Well! Oh, good night, Jerry. (They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his throat.) Kenneth will take you home. (She gets out, leaving Jerry staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.)

(Scene ends with an exterior shot of the limo going down the street. We hear Kramer singing the Miss America theme song, and Jerry telling him to "shut the f*ck up.")

[New scene - Jerry's apartment the next day. Jerry's packing to go to Atlantic City. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.

KRAMER: Oh, come on.

JERRY: And that waist cincher, that was the topper!

KRAMER: Oh, you're poo-pooing!

JERRY: Yes, I poo-poo.

KRAMER: Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!

JERRY: I don't want to stop her!

KRAMER: You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)

JERRY: Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)

GEORGE: Well, did you see it?

JERRY: See what?

GEORGE: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "

JERRY: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.

GEORGE (noticing Jerry's suitcase): Hey, where ya goin'?

JERRY: I'm working in Atlantic City.

GEORGE: Really!

JERRY: Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?

GEORGE: Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.

JERRY: You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...

[New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. He's trying on the socks she's brought him.]

ELAINE: So, what do you think?

PITT (pulling up the socks): No.

ELAINE: You don't like them?

PITT: No, I don't like them.

ELAINE: What's wrong?

PITT: They're too tight.

ELAINE: Too tight?

PITT: There's no elastic, you need to pull too much (pulls them up more).

ELAINE (examining the socks): I think they look good!

PITT: They're cutting off the circulation.

ELAINE: Alright, well, I'll just take them back. (The phone rings.)

PITT: Hello?

JERRY: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?

PITT (hands the phone to Elaine): It's for you.

ELAINE: Sorry. Hello?

JERRY: Hey Elaine, it's me.

ELAINE: Jerry?

JERRY: We're going to Atlantic City.

ELAINE: Really? When?

JERRY: Today, right now! Are you in?

ELAINE: One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?

PITT: Tomorrow?

ELAINE: Yes.

PITT: But I was hoping for my new socks today!

ELAINE: Well, it's just one more day.

PITT: I'm sorry. I must have them today.

ELAINE (to Jerry): I can't go.

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.

PITT: Elaine!

ELAINE: I gotta go. (Hangs up.)

[New scene - Kramer and Karen at the hotel in Atlantic City. Karen is rehearsing her stage-walking with Kramer. She does it once, but Kramer isn't satisfied.]

KRAMER: No. Alright, watch me now. (Karen sits on the bed. Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? Posture.

KAREN: Yes, I see. O.K.

KRAMER: Let's try a few more questions, alright? (Karen stands up.) If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?

KAREN: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?

KRAMER: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!

[New scene - Jerry in he and George's hotel room on the floor above Karen's. George enters.]

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: How was the show?

JERRY: Good. How was the roulette?

GEORGE: I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.

JERRY: Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!

[Cut back to Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. There are pairs of socks everywhere. Pitt has on the latest pair.]

PITT: It's good, but...

ELAINE: But what??

PITT: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.

ELAINE (pulling up Pitt's socks): No, no! They'll stay up!

PITT: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.

ELAINE: But that's why I got you the tighter ones! (Holds them up.)

PITT: Oh, forget about those! (Takes the socks from Elaine and throws them on the floor.) Why do you keep mentioning those?

ELAINE: What do you want!?

PITT: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!

(Elaine curls up into a fetal position.)

[Cut back to Atlantic City, the middle of the night. Jerry and George are trying to sleep, but a flock of birds outside is keeping them awake.]

JERRY: What the hell is that?

GEORGE: I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!

JERRY (getting out of bed): Well, I can't sleep with that noise.

GEORGE: Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?

JERRY: Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie.

GEORGE: Good night, Stan.

[New scene - Karen's hotel room the next morning. Upset, she lets Kramer in.]

KRAMER: What is it?

KAREN: My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years! How am I supposed to do my magic act now?

KRAMER: How did this happen?

KAREN: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then I found them dead in a pool of water!

KRAMER (goes out on the terrace to look, and slips in the water): Well, how did this happen?

KAREN: It must have been an accident.

KRAMER: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.

[New scene - Jerry watching TV in his room. There's a knock at the door; Jerry lets Kramer in.]

KRAMER: Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!

JERRY: What? Why? What happened?

KRAMER: Her birds are dead.

JERRY: Birds?

KRAMER: Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)

JERRY: What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold.

KRAMER (comes back inside with his finger pointed at Jerry): You killed them, didn't you?

JERRY: No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!

KRAMER: Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!

JERRY: Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)

GEORGE (comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth): What was that all about?

JERRY: Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.

GEORGE: Oh. (Goes back into the bathroom.)

[New scene - The night of the Miss America pageant. Kramer and Karen are backstage. Regis Philbin is about to introduce Miss Rhode Island in the talent competition.]

KAREN: O.K., this is it!

KRAMER: How ya feelin'?

KAREN: I'm a little nervous!

KRAMER: There's nothing to be nervous about.

KAREN: But I've never sung before in my life!

PHILBIN: And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!

(Karen walks out on stage and starts singing, badly. Cut to Jerry and George watching the pageant on TV at the hotel.)

JERRY: I heard those doves were really incredible.

GEORGE: That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.)

JERRY: It's like watching an animal get tortured.

GEORGE: Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)

JERRY: Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)

ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!

ANNOUNCER #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!

ANNOUNCER #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!

ANNOUNCER #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!

JERRY: That's a shame.

(Cut back to Karen on-stage at the pageant, still singing horribly. Kramer is shown in the wings, still trying to coach her.)

KRAMER: Poise. Poise!

[Closing Monologue]

The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing suit, in the dress shoes...they got that "sanitized for your protection" toilet seat-thing hangin' off them, you know...plus, they gotta wear all the other outfits. I don't know why, the bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody looks good in formal wear; it's dark, it covers everything - that's why we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About eighty hands go up...

The End

S6E2 - The Big Salad

Broadcast date: September 29, 1994

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michelle Forbes  .................. Julie

Jerry Levine ........................ Stationer

Marita Geraghty  ................ Margaret

Barry Nolan   ...................... Reporter

Dean Hallo   ........................ Gendason

Lauren Bowles   .................  Waitress

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

Its fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they’re manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we’re all buying them. I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I’ve used up maybe two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there’s a couple back there but it doesn’t account for it. Where are all the pens? That’s why it’s so embarrassing if you don’t have one. You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it’s so humiliating. I don’t have a pen. They’re making millions of them every week!   I know; where are they?

[Stationery store]

STATIONER: May I help you?

ELAINE: Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.

STATIONER: Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.

ELAINE: No, I'm sure you do.

STATIONER: They're pretty expensive.

ELAINE: Well, it's for my boss.

STATIONER: What do you do?

Ex: Whatever.

STATIONER: Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is?

ELAINE: Elaine.

STATIONER: Elaine, . . . and your last name?

ELAINE: It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha

STATIONER: And your number?

ELAINE: Uh, aw, KL5-239O.

STATIONER: Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me.

ELAINE: Okay, (to Jerry)  Move  along. . .

JERRY: Why did you give him MY number?

[On the street]

ELAINE: I think he's got ideas.

JERRY: I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?

JERRY: Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?

(On the street)

ELAINE: Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?

JERRY: Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.

GEORGE: Hey, hey.

ELAINE: Hey hey

JULIE: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Hi Julie.

GEORGE: Elaine, Julie.

ELAINE: Hi.

JULIE: Hi.

JULIE: Oh, hi.  Elaine's my middle name.

ELAINE: Oh, mine's "Ike".

GEORGE: Hey, wanna get some lunch?

JERRY: Just had a big bowl of Kix.

GEORGE: Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?

ELAINE: Ah, no.

JULIE: Please come, Elaine.

ELAINE: No, no. How about if you bring me back something?

GEORGE: Sure, all right, what do you want?

ELAINE: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?

GEORGE: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.

ELAINE: They have big salads.

GEORGE: I've never seen a big salad.

ELAINE: They have a big salad.

GEORGE: Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?

ELAINE: It's okay, you don't…

GEORGE: No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?

JERRY: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.

GEORGE: (???), we'll see you in a little while.

[Jerry's]

ELAINE: Maybe I should just get married.

JERRY: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?

ELAINE: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.

JERRY: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

ELAINE: You can say that again.

JERRY: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.

ELAINE: Good for you.

JERRY: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

ELAINE: Right on baby. (???)

(noise from hall)

JERRY: What was that?

(Kramer enters with his golf clubs)

KRAMER: That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.

ELAINE: Who Gendason?

KRAMER: Steve Gendason.

ELAINE: Why is that name familiar?

Hx: He used to be a baseball player.

ELAINE: Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?

KRAMER: Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.

ELAINE: So what?

KRAMER: Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.

JERRY: Certainly are.

KRAMER: Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.

Jx; Ah, so what happened?

KRAMER: He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .

JERRY: All right. You're in MY face.

ELAINE: I still don't see what the big deal is.

KRAMER: A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos.

[Monks]

JULIE: I like Anna Quindlen's column and Safire. Don't you like Safire?

GEORGE: Oh, Safire. Uh ha

JULIE: Although at times can be rather pedantic.

GEORGE: He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.

JULIE: And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News.

GEORGE: Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I

got it.

JULIE: No, no. I'd like to take you out.

GEORGE: No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.

JULIE: Okay, thanks, George.

Wx: Here's your big salad to go.

JULIE: Oh, thank you.

[Jerry's]

JERRY: (on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.

ELAINE: I told ya'. He has ideas.

JERRY: He doesn't even care if a man answers.

ELAINE: Or you.

(George and Julie enter)

GEORGE: Hey, hey.

ELAINE: Hey.

JULIE: Sorry e're late.

ELAINE: No problem.

JULIE: Here's your big salad.

ELAINE: Thank you, Julie.

JULIE: Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go?

GEORGE: No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim.

JULIE: Sure, George.

GEORGE: Ya, you go.

JULIE: Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.

JERRY: Bye bye

(Julie exits)

GEORGE: Did you see what just happened?

JERRY: Well, that all depends. . .

GEORGE: Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?

JERRY: Yeah, so?

GEORGE: Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.

JERRY: Is that a fact?

GEORGE: Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.

JERRY: No it isn't.

GEORGE: I mean I'm the one who bought it.

JERRY: Yes you did.

GEORGE: You think she should have said something?

JERRY: She could have.

GEORGE: Oh, I know.

JERRY: Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.

GEORGE: You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.

JERRY: Obviously.

(Kramer rushes in)

KRAMER: Turn on the TV.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: I'm puttin it on…

TV: . . . the district attorney's office and the police department have not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something we'll just have to wait.

KRAMER: Jerry . . .

JERRY: Well, it has nothing to do with you.

KRAMER: Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.

JERRY: Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.

[In a cab]

ELAINE: I like Julie. She's very personable.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's very lovely.

ELAINE: That's great George.

GEORGE: So did you enjoy your lunch?

ELAINE: Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?

GEORGE: oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . .

ELAINE: Even though what?

GEORGE: . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference?

ELAINE: What? What are you trying to say, George?

GEORGE: It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.

ELAINE: You want the money for the big salad, George?

GEORGE: No, no,

ELAINE: What is the problem?

GEORGE: There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.

[Jerry's]

JERRY: And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.

MARGARET: Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out.

JERRY: Ah, no , I don't think so.

MARGARET: Why not?

JERRY: We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

MARGARET: Who is staring?

JERRY: Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing.

(Phone rings)

JERRY: Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story.

(Newman enters)

JERRY: Hello Newman.

MARGARET: Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was.

JERRY: No, no I don't. Why?

MARGARET: You know, Genderson. This is something big.

JERRY: I suppose.

MARGARET: What did Kramer say?

JERRY: I don't know. Nothing.?

MARGARET: Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret?

MARGARET: Hello.

JERRY: You two know each other?

NEWMAN: You might say that.

MARGARET: We used to go out.

NEWMAN: Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe

JERRY: . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?

MARGARET: Just a few times.

JERRY: Why?

MARGARET: I liked him.

JERRY: You liked, Newman?

MARGARET: Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?

JERRY: No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him.

MARGARET: He ended it.

JERRY: . . . HE ended it?

MARGARET: YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter?

JERRY: No, no of course not.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.

JERRY: What tee?

KRAMER: A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.

[Monk's]

JERRY: Newman! She went out with Newman!

ELAINE: It must be a mistake.

JERRY: No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her?

ELAINE: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.

JERRY: No, there's less.

ELAINE: It's possible.

JERRY: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

ELAINE: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

JERRY: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Wx: Would you like some more coffee?

JERRY: No,, but thank you.

JERRY: Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil.

ELAINE: Ugh! You are kidding me.

JERRY: No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it.

ELAINE: I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.

JERRY: Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it.

ELAINE: To please Mr. Pitt.

JERRY: Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited.

ELAINE: Uh, great!

JERRY: Hi Julie.

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi Julie.

JERRY: Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here.

ELAINE: Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.

JERRY: How do you know THAT?

[Newman's apartment]

(knock knock)

NEWMAN: Who is it.

JERRY: It's Jerry.

NEWMAN: You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?

JERRY: Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!

NEWMAN: Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?

JERRY: Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?

NEWMAN: There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?

JERRY: No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?

NEWMAN: Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type.

JERRY: Noit your type?

NEWMAN: Not really.

JERRY: Well, how come?

NEWMAN: Ah, she just didn't do it for me.

JERRY: What, what is wrong with her?

NEWMAN: Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.

JERRY: You don't think she's attractive?

NEWMAN: No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.

JERRY: Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.

NEWMAN: Care for some lemonade?

JERRY: No, thank you.

NEWMAN: Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha

[Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry.

JERRY: But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?

KRAMER: Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened.

JERRY: What are you so worried about this for?

KRAMER: You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?

JERRY: He did?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.

JERRY: So it had nothing to do with you.

KRAMER: Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.

JERRY: No, I don't think so.

KRAMER: Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.

JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that.

JERRY: Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?

KRAMER: Oh, I love curls.

JERRY: Yeah,, me too.

KRAMER: All right, I'll see you later.

JERRY: Where you going?

KRAMER: Genderson's.

JERRY: You're going to see Genderson?

KRAMER: It's weighing on my conscience.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?

JULIE: Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before.

GEORGE: A ha! We're just friends.

JULIE: Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing.

GEORGE: Oh, share.

JULIE: Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday.

GEORGE: Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.

JULIE: Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her?

GEORGE: Well, she probably just assumed.

JULIE: Um, did she?

GEORGE: . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me?

JULIE: That's what I'm suggesting.

GEORGE: . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?

JULIE: George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

(Julie leaves)

[Stationery store]

ELAINE: It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away.

STATIONER: Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were going to get one someplace else?

ELAINE: No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.

STATIONER: I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three hours. I had a big fight with the foreman.

ELAINE: Really? A fight with the foreman?

STATIONER: Yes.

ELAINE: Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.

STATIONER: Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight?

ELAINE: Okay.

(In Margaret's car)

MARGARET: I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

JERRY: You had how many dates with him? Three?

MARGARET: Around three. I don't know.

JERRY: And . .

MARGARET: I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at?

JERRY: What? I'm not looking. Nothing.

JERRY: Why are you looking at my face?

JERRY: Where am I going to look?

MARGARET: Kiss me.

JERRY: . . . I can't.

(Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off)

JERRY: Newman!

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable.

ELAINE: Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.

JERRY: You're going out with the stationery store guy?

ELAINE: I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.

(George enters, upset)

ELAINE: Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'.

ELAINE: Uh, uh.

GEORGE: You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD.

(phone rings)

JERRY: Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike.

TV: As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing buddies.

POLICE: 9-1-1 What are you reporting

KRAMER: Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off.

POLICE: Okay, sir, and what's your name?

KRAMER: My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit!

Genderson: I told you not to take the turnpike.

KRAMER: I thought we would blend in.

Genderson: If we took the palisades this never have happened.

KRAMER: we would have had all that bridge traffic.

Genderson: Ah, just drive.

[Closing Monologue]

(Jail?) doesn't really seem like that great of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? Constantly calling him, hanging up when he answers the phone. Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. After a while he would go, "I wish that guy would kill me already, I can't take it anymore." And how come when the police catch some really bad criminal or something they put him in the handcuffs, they hit him with the baton, they put the choke hold on him, then they're always careful they don't want him to hurt his head when they're putting him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch your head, watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. . . . That REALLY hurts"

The End

S6E3 - The Pledge Drive

Broadcast date: October 6, 1994

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kelly Coffield  ..................... Noreen

Billye Ree Wallace ............... Nana

Brian Reddy ....................... Dan

Rebecca Staab   ................... Kristin

Danny Tartabull ................. Himself

Tom Wright ........................ Executive (Mr. Morgan)

James Reynolds   ................ Banker

Lauren Bowles   ................. Waitress

F.J. Rio ................................ Street Tough

Thom Vernon ..................... Driver

rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ........... Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Opening monologue.]

There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back and forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar folded paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings are, so I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a Boy and our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office"

[Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?

JERRY: Your friend, Noreen.

ELAINE: Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?

JERRY: If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen.

ELAINE: I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.

JERRY: If you don't believe me, ask her.

ELAINE: I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?

JERRY: Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.

ELAINE: Yeah.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?

JERRY: Check the pile.

KRAMER: (leafing through Jerry's mail) Oh, who sent you a card?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Open it, it's from Hallmark.

JERRY: Oh.

KRAMER (To Elaine) Hello, my love.

ELAINE: Hello, darling.

JERRY: Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.

KRAMER: Let me see.

ELAINE: Who's Kristin?

JERRY: She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.

KRAMER: Did you ask her about me?

JERRY: Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone.

KRAMER: Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?

JERRY: No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.

KRAMER: Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?

JERRY: Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.

(Kramer leaves, satisfied.)

ELAINE: (dialing the phone) You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.

JERRY: Oh, go ahead.

ELAINE: You sure you don't mind?

JERRY: Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.

(Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice answers.)

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Hello?

ELAINE: Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Jerry?

ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Oh, I like Jerry a lot.

ELAINE: You mean like like?

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: Noreen, were you hitting on him?

(Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man on the telephone.)

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Noreen's not here, this is Dan.

ELAINE: Ooh.

DAN: You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

ELAINE (hanging up) Uh, I'll call you back later.

ELAINE: Uh oh.

JERRY: So was I right? She likes me, right?

[Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.]

MR. PITT (answering) Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving my number out?

ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

ELAINE: Is this Noreen?

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: (Noreen) What would ever possess you to make up a story like that.

ELAINE: Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know--

DAN (taking the phone from Noreen) I think I deserve an explanation.

ELAINE: Noreen, are you crying?

DAN: No, this is Dan!

ELAINE: Oh, hi Dan.

MR. PITT: Elaine? Work?

ELAINE: Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.

MR. PITT: Who was crying?

ELAINE: No one. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, that won't happen again.

MR. PITT: (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with knife and fork) I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know who it was.

ELAINE: Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know--

[Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is reading from a sheet of paper.]

JERRY: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now.

KRISTIN: Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.

JERRY: Oh, I know you are.

KRISTIN: You got the card I sent?

JERRY: I did.

KRISTIN: So where is it?

JERRY: What?

KRISTIN: The card. Is this it in the trash?

JERRY: No?

KRISTIN: This is my card, you threw it away.

JERRY: Well--

KRISTIN: I put a lot of thought into this card.

JERRY: You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem.

KRISTIN: Fine. I gotta get back to the office.

JERRY: Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?

KRISTIN: You have no sentimentality.

JERRY: I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm not a bad guy.

KRISTIN: Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!

JERRY: (as Kristin is storming out) Well, but, you see, I saved something! See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?

(Kramer enters as Kristin leaves.)

KRAMER: New cards, huh?

JERRY: No, they're old cards from my grandmother.

KRAMER: Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits.

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: (opening a card) Oh, a check.

JERRY: Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I save them.

KRAMER: There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?

JERRY: I don't know, it's ten dollars.

KRAMER: But you got a whole pile here. 1987?

JERRY: Oh so what.

KRAMER: Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face.

JERRY: Oh, get out of here.

KRAMER: Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.

JERRY: Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.

KRAMER: Yeah.

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?

GEORGE: The rule is a minimum of two days.

JERRY: You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?

GEORGE: I'm making it up.

JERRY: I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel.

GEORGE: Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.

JERRY: Absolutely.

GEORGE: If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.

JERRY: So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor.

GEORGE: Let's have it.

JERRY: Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball player to come on the show with me...

GEORGE: You want me to ask one of the Yankees.

JERRY: Could you?

GEORGE: Alright. I'll run it by a few people.

JERRY: Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.

ELAINE: (entering and sitting down) I should never have made that phone call.

JERRY: Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?

ELAINE: Yes, she's very upset.

JERRY: So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?

ELAINE: I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling--

GEORGE: Who was flirting with you?

JERRY: Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?

GEORGE: She wasn't flirting with you.

JERRY: Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come on.

ELAINE: Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.

(Elaine and George laugh derisively.)

JERRY: Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?

ELAINE: So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Why does he do that?

GEORGE: He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.

JERRY: Oh, you know.

GEORGE: What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me, sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?

WAITRESS: That's the extra toast. Get it?

GEORGE: Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened here?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.

JERRY: That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.

[George is in a meeting at work.]

GEORGE: So, what do you think?

MR. MORGAN: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven.

GEORGE: Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven.

(George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.)

MR. MORGAN: Uh, what the hell are you doing?

GEORGE: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?

MR. MORGAN: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

[Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM.]

JERRY: Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.

KRAMER: Huh? Yeah.

[Nana is home knitting, the phone rings.]

NANA: Hello?

VOICE: Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your checking account is overdrawn.

NANA: Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months.

VOICE: Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn.

NANA: Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.

VOICE: (unheard by Nana as she hangs up the phone) Wait, we can do this over the phone.

(Fade to the next morning, the alarm clock goes off, it's 5:30, Nana turns off the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the door.)

[George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: You got Danny Tartabull?!

GEORGE: You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.

JERRY: Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.

GEORGE: Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.

KRAMER: So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.

GEORGE: Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.

JERRY: Excuse me?

GEORGE: Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

KRAMER: Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.

JERRY: You're just answering phones!

KRAMER: It would put me at ease.

GEORGE: Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses.

JERRY: Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men

WAITRESS: Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes with your breakfast special.

JERRY: Right you are.

GEORGE: I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.

WAITRESS: (scratching cheek with middle finger) I'll check.

GEORGE: (after waitress walks away) I don't believe it, she did it again!

JERRY: Oh, she had an itch.

GEORGE: She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me.

KRAMER (laughing) Yeah, she knew what she was doing.

JERRY: By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.

[Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned building, checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.]

STREET TOUGH: Looking for something, lady?

NANA: Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?

STREET TOUGH: The bank? It burned. It's gone!

NANA: Oh dear.

STREET TOUGH Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street, that's the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you.

[Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.]

JERRY: (answering) Hello?

UNCLE LEO: Jerry? Hello.

JERRY: Uncle Leo!

UNCLE LEO: Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Nana's missing?

UNCLE LEO: I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here. I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment in twenty-five years!

JERRY: I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.

KRAMER: Yeah, that's right. You did.

UNCLE LEO: What kind of checks?

JERRY: I think Chemical Bank.

KRAMER: Oh, they were Chemical.

UNCLE LEO: Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed. What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?

JERRY: Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never should have cashed those checks!

KRAMER: Hey, I didn't twist your arm.

UNCLE LEO: Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?

JERRY: Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!

KRAMER: Well, don't look at me.

JERRY: It's your fault!

KRAMER: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

[Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar with a knife and fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine seated at the counter at Monk's.]

NOREEN: So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry, he won't let up.

ELAINE: I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that.

NOREEN: No, why?

ELAINE: Well, you know, because he's a high talker.

NOREEN: He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.

ELAINE: No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.

NOREEN: Really?

ELAINE: You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?

NOREEN: I never noticed that.

ELAINE: Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a woman, you know?

NOREEN: Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.

ELAINE: Well, he looks like a man.

NOREEN: Yeah.

ELAINE: He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.

NOREEN: I guess.

ELAINE: I know he belches a lot.

NOREEN: Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him.

ELAINE: Yeah.

NOREEN: (cutting into a cookie with a knife and fork) Hm. He's kind of a baritone, isn't he?

ELAINE: What are you doing?

NOREEN: I'm eating this cookie.

ELAINE: No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just

think of that?

NOREEN: No, I've seen people do it. I like it.

[George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.]

DANNY TARTABULL: This isn't gonna take long, is it?

GEORGE: Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I perused the script and it's met with my approval.

DANNY TARTABULL: I'm sure it's fine.

GEORGE: (swerving) Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the finger!

DANNY TARTABULL: You sure?

GEORGE: Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!

DANNY TARTABULL: What are you doing?

GEORGE: I'm following him.

New scene.

Nana is at the bank.

Banker: I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the

checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

Nana: Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain?

Banker: Oh, certainly.

New scene.

Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

ELAINE: And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is

obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.

The phone rings.

JERRY: Would you?

Elaine (answering): Hello?

Nana: Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.

Elaine (thinking it's Dan): Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you.

Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why

don't you just drop dead?

Elaine (hanging up): Heh?

Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Any word from Nana?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Nana?

JERRY: Yeah, my grandma's missing.

ELAINE: Missing?

JERRY: Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.

ELAINE: Um, what does Nana sound like?

JERRY: Like a grandmother, why?

ELAINE: Well...

JERRY: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!

ELAINE: I don't know, maybe.

JERRY: You told Nana to drop dead?!

ELAINE: It's possible.

JERRY: Yes, it is!

KRAMER: Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.

JERRY: Alright.

New scene.

George is still driving, he's all worked up.

GEORGE: No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!

DANNY TARTABULL: Want this last donut?

GEORGE: No, you can have it.

(Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. George takes notice.)

[Jerry and Kramer are at PBS.]

KRAMER: Jerry, where are all the tote bags?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have.

KRISTIN: Jerry, this man wants to see you.

JERRY: Leo?

UNCLE LEO: Hello.

JERRY: Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?

UNCLE LEO: I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.

JERRY: Oh.

UNCLE LEO: She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV.

KRISTIN: Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?

JERRY: He'll be here any second.

KRISTIN: You know you guys are both on in five minutes.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah.

KRISTIN: (leaving) Okay.

UNCLE LEO: Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know.

JERRY: No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.

UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Please-

UNCLE LEO: I want-

JERRY: It's not necessary.

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, would you please take it.

JERRY: I can't, I can't take it.

UNCLE LEO: I want you to have it!

JERRY: Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, take the money!

JERRY: I don't want it!!

(There's a knock at the door.)

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Jerry, open up. We need to talk.

KRAMER: Who's that?

JERRY: You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting on me in the book store.

KRAMER: Jerry, I'll take care of it.

(Kramer walks out and sees Dan.)

DAN: Is Jerry in there?

KRAMER: Well, he can't be disturbed now.

DAN: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.

KRAMER: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.

DAN: What?

KRAMER: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.

DAN: No, I don't.

KRISTIN: (running up) Are you Danny Tartabull?

DAN: No, I'm not.

[George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and slams the door.]

GEORGE: I'll take care of this, Danny.

(George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping gas.)

GEORGE: Excuse me.

MAN: What's the problem?

GEORGE: I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.

MAN: I did? Where?

GEORGE: Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.

MAN: Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?

GEORGE: That's right, of the New York Yankees.

MAN: I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.

(The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger sticking straight up.)

[Jerry is doing his bit for PBS.]

JERRY: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the number you see on your screen.

[Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone and dials.]

[Cut back to Jerry,]

JERRY: This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-

[Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.]

KRAMER: (answering) PBS pledge drive.

NANA: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.

KRAMER: Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen.

NANA: This is his grandmother.

KRAMER: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.

NANA: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.

KRAMER: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.

[Cut back to Jerry.]

JERRY: -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'

(Kramer rises in the background.)

KRAMER: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.

JERRY: My Nana?

KRAMER: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!

(Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.)

UNCLE LEO: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

[Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.

ELAINE: Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-

JERRY: Yes, he is.

ELAINE: You should show this to Georgie.

JERRY: Yeah.

WAITRESS: (at the next table) Here's your knife and fork.

JERRY: Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.

ELAINE: I just don't get it.

JERRY: You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.

ELAINE: What is wrong with everybody?

JERRY: (surveying the restaurant) Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it!

ELAINE: (standing up) What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!!

The End

S6E4 - The Chinese Woman

Broadcast date: October 13, 1994

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kelly Coffield ...................... Noreen

Angela Dohrmann ................ Donna Chang

Will Utay ............................... Dr. Korval

Lucy Lin ................................ Hostess

Jack Tracy ............................. Man

Larry David .......................... Man wearing cape/Lawyer (uncredited)

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in there with the chopsticks. Because, if you think about it, you know, they've seen the fork... by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon, they're going, "Yeah, yeah, they're OK... We're going to stay with the sticks." I mean, I don't know how they've missed it: thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up, has his breakfast with the chopsticks, goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel... Hello?... Shovel! Not going out there ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

[Day. Jerry and Elaine walking down the street. Elaine is struggling with three grocery bags while Jerry is carrying none. He is pretending not to notice the discrepancy, and keeping his hands busy]

JERRY: (feeling face) Good shave today...

ELAINE: (sarcastic) Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine.

JERRY: I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little...

ELAINE: Can we rest here a second.

JERRY: (pause) Yeah, I guess.

(She sits on the stairs of a small entryway)

JERRY: ...So how's Noreen?

ELAINE: Mmm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.

JERRY: Already? That was fast... I assume he's not a High Talker...

ELAINE: No, but... he has... The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat.

JERRY: A Long Talker.

ELAINE: Yeah! And he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I just hang up.

JERRY: (pause) All right; let's move it out.

(Elaine gets her bags and stands up)

JERRY: Hey, isn't that George's father?

(George's father is standing further down the street, talking to a mysterious man in a cape and shades)

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, it is! Shall we say hello?

JERRY: I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.

ELAINE: That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?

JERRY: I believe he is wearing a cape.

ELAINE: Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?

JERRY: Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.

ELAINE: Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

JERRY: You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me.

(Elaine positions the bags to cover her face. Jerry walks alongside her so he's out of view too)

[Day. Jerry and Elaine arrive at Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Just, uh, plop it on the counter there.

(Elaine drops one bag deliberately onto the floor and throws the others on the counter -- payback for Jerry not helping with the bags)

JERRY: Oh! I got a message. (presses button on answer machine)

GEORGE: (on tape, lifeless) Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say... (beep)

ELAINE: That sounds urgent...

JERRY: Let me call him back... Hello? Who is this? Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.

ELAINE: Donna Chang?

JERRY: (is redialing) I should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.

ELAINE: Isn't that a little racist?

JERRY: If I like their race, how can that be racist?... Hellooo??... Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!... Yyy-yes, I am calling George... Oh, the lines are crossed! You're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?!

(Kramer enters. He's got a bottle of water. Jerry stays on the line to chat with Donna)

JERRY: So listen...

KRAMER: Hi. I'm goin' through this stuff like water... (to Jerry) Who you talkin' to? (Jerry waves him away and moves towards the bedroom, still on the phone)

ELAINE: He's on with a Chinese woman.

KRAMER: Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women.

(Kramer appears a little distracted, adjusting his underwear through his pants)

ELAINE: You got a comfort problem there?

KRAMER: No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

ELAINE: I thought you wore silk underwear.

KRAMER: No, no, n--Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stick with it. No, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. (he's serious. Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up) My boys need a house!

ELAINE: (not charmed) That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.

KRAMER: Sperm count? Well how many ssssperm should I have?

ELAINE: A lot!

(Jerry comes back, happy)

JERRY: I got a date!

ELAINE: With the Chinese woman?!

JERRY: She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

KRAMER: Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?

JERRY: No, why should I? I wear boxers.

KRAMER: You ever get a woman pregnant?

JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed...

KRAMER: What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?

JERRY: Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??... Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women!

KRAMER: A LOT of 'em! (wild gesture, freaked out) Do you think maybe I'm... Depleted??!!

JERRY: Well, I'm sure you're not... Totally Depleted.

KRAMER: Yeah but what if I am? I'm the last... male Kramer! We're facing extinction!

JERRY: So go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.

KRAMER: Yeah, but then I'd have to... (glances at Elaine) well, you know... into a cup in the middle of the day??

ELAINE: What, does that conflict with your regular schedule?

(Kramer leaves, disturbed)

ELAINE: (going to the phone) All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.

JERRY: I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!

ELAINE: She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?

JERRY: She suggested it!

ELAINE: I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese...

JERRY: She's very assimilated.

(Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male "Hello?" on the other end. Elaine slams down the phone)

JERRY: Paul again?

ELAINE: (matter of fact) You can't get one ring past him.

(George enters, annoyed)

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!

JERRY: I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!

GEORGE: ...Huh?

ELAINE: Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before.

GEORGE: Hmm, what's he doin' in the city today?

(Elaine and Jerry both shrug)

GEORGE: You didn't ask him?

(They both shake heads no, looking guilty)

GEORGE: (suspicious) You didn't say hello?

ELAINE: Well, he was with someone. A man... In a cape.

GEORGE: Why was he wearing a cape?

(They both shrug)

GEORGE: Was my father wearing a cape?

JERRY: No. Jacket and tie: no cape.

GEORGE: Huh... Cape... (turns, distracted, heads slowly towards door) What was a man with a cape doin' with my father?... What was my father doing with a man in a cape?... (opens door) Why a cape? Hmm! (exits)

[Fertility clinic. Kramer's waiting in an examination room. The Doctor enters]

DOCTOR: The results of your sperm test are in.

KRAMER: Oh?

DOCTOR: Ummm... Are you planning to start a family?

KRAMER: Yes! I would like to very much!... Well, I'm low, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...

DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

KRAMER: Ohhh, maaan!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to procreate--

DOCTOR: Ah--that's not necessarily true.

KRAMER: What

DOCTOR: There are measures you can take to improve your fertility.

KRAMER: All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me.

DOCTOR: First thing: you should wear boxer shorts.

KRAMER: All the time?

DOCTOR: All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.

KRAMER: Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

(Kramer gives the doctor a frustrated look, and his body starts shaking)

[At Elaine's. Elaine's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair dryer near the phone]

ELAINE: Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling! Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!... Oh. She's not?! (hurries to put phone down) Okay, great. Well you can just tell her I called, then, an'-- Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately... Oh, okay, well, look I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna... (a little later, Elaine is sitting and looking very bored) Yeah, I took 20% too... Um. Look it uh... (turns hair dryer on and off) Paul. The... car seems to be running out of gas so... I'm gonna... have to get off the phone. (hangs up)

[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, sitting next to a Guy. Jerry's tapping his leg, in a good mood]

HOSTESS: Please let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.

JERRY: Yes, I will.

GUY: (indicating a cigarette) Do you mind?

JERRY: No, go ahead, I second-hand smoke two packs a day.

(Donna Chang enters and walks up to him. She's not Asian. But she is blonde and good-looking)

DONNA: Jerry.

JERRY: (pause. Stops tapping his leg) 'scuse me?

DONNA: Hi. Sorry I'm late.

JERRY: Who are you?

DONNA: I'm Donna Chang...

JERRY: (stands, puzzled, it's not sinking in) W-what do you mean?

DONNA: I mean: I'm Donna Chang.

JERRY: (pause) You're Donna Chang?

DONNA: Did you think I was Chinese?...

JERRY: Oh. No. What, you mean because of the "Chang"?

DONNA: Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.

JERRY: I didn't think so.

DONNA: Used to be "Changstein."

[Day. At Jerry's, Elaine and Jerry. She's making herself a bowl of Raisin Bran]

ELAINE: She's not Chinese?

JERRY: No. Not Chinese. Not even Asian.

ELAINE: So. What is she?

JERRY: Well, she's... like you.

ELAINE: (pause, annoyed) Oh, how disappointed you must have been. (walks to couch, with her cereal)

JERRY: Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as "Donna Chang"...

ELAINE: So then why are you seeing her again...

JERRY: Well, she is a woman.

ELAINE: Listen, I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.

JERRY: Really? (sits on couch)

ELAINE: Well, maybe.

JERRY: Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?

ELAINE: (pause) What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy... hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen?

(As Elaine considers the implications, Kramer comes in. He's got a pile of underwear in his hands)

KRAMER: Here, take my Jockey shorts.

(Jerry and Elaine leap up in horror)

ELAINE: Whoa! Whoa!

JERRY: Here, what is that?!!

KRAMER: Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.

JERRY: Wha--you have a low sperm count?

KRAMER: Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.

JERRY: Nnnoo--I don't want 'em. (starts backing away as Kramer follows him around the room carrying the underwear)

KRAMER: Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!

JERRY: Look! I don't want 'em!

KRAMER: All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! J--

JERRY: I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!

(Kramer's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own pants)

KRAMER: Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up, they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!

(Elaine's disgusted and unable to eat her cereal)

KRAMER: What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' CRAZY in these things! (leaves)

JERRY: (re the underwear pile) Well, I'm gonna have to move now.

[Day. At Monk's. George and his father, Frank at a booth]

FRANK: Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.

GEORGE: Plenty of mosquitoes.

FRANK: Queens is full of mosquitoes.

GEORGE: So, Dad...

FRANK: Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.

GEORGE: (pause) Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!

FRANK: (angry) Your mother has to tell you every move I make?!

GEORGE: Jerry and Elaine saw you.

FRANK: They didn't say hello?

GEORGE: Well, they were in a rush.

FRANK: They couldn't just say hello?!... Oh, to hell with them.

GEORGE: They, uh... said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape?...

FRANK: Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the word--uh, supercilious.

GEORGE: So Dad,--

FRANK: (shouting and clapping hands in anger) How could Jerry not say Hello?!!

(Everyone in diner turns to look)

[Night. Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna Chang. She's on the couch and he's drying the dishes. She puts the phone down]

JERRY: Did they uncross the lines yet?

DONNA: No, they can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous.

JERRY: (long pause -- did he hear "ridicurous" -- should he say something -- can't decide if he should. Finally...) Did you say, "ridicurous"?

DONNA: Ridiculous.

JERRY: (pause) I thought you said... "ridicurous." (Donna looks puzzled)

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey-- (spots Donna)

JERRY: Oh, what are you doing here?

GEORGE: Oh, I wanted to talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know you... (re Donna) had company. (Jerry indicates he should stay) Hiya, I'm George.

DONNA: Oh! Hi! (they shake hands) I'm Donna Chang. (George to himself registers that as weird. He and Jerry exchange sideways glances) I just spoke to your mother before.

GEORGE: You spoke to my mother?

DONNA: She was trying to call you, but--

JERRY: The rines are crossed?

(They both look at Jerry weirdly)

GEORGE: Did you say, "The rines are crossed?"

JERRY: Did I?

DONNA: (pause) George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!

GEORGE: (smile) Yeah.

DONNA: Anyway, I'm really sorry.

GEORGE: Sorry? Why sorry? What you got to be sorry about?

DONNA: Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.

(Jerry looks shocked. George, calmly as though performing a ritual, goes to the oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head inside)

[Night. Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine]

ELAINE: Ay, divorced. That's really too bad...

JERRY: Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.

GEORGE: Oh my God! (coming out of bathroom) You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits!

JERRY: Gee, I never thought of that.

GEORGE: Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? (mirthless) Haha! It's like runnin' a double marathon!

ELAINE: Hey Georgie, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?

JERRY: Have you ever spent any time with these people...?

GEORGE: You know what this has to do with?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: The man in the cape--I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don't trust men in capes.

JERRY: And you can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape... Superman wore a cape... An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.

GEORGE: All right Superman's the exception.

(Elaine looks on in disbelief)

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I want you to put in a good word for me. (to Jerry) I've always had a thing for Noreen.

ELAINE: No, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.

KRAMER: Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. (does a little dance)

JERRY: Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers...

KRAMER: Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.

JERRY: You went back to the Jockeys?

KRAMER: Wrong again.

JERRY: (pause as he realizes) Oh, no.

ELAINE: What? What?...

JERRY: Don't you see what's goin' on here???... No boxers, no Jockeys...

ELAINE: (backing away from Kramer) Eeaawww...

JERRY: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine... Kramer, say it isn't so.

KRAMER: Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!

JERRY: Don't you need a little... help?

KRAMER: Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered... (opens door to leave, still very happy, then) Feel like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!! (exits)

[Day. At Monk's. Elaine and Noreen are sitting at the counter]

ELAINE: So you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!...

NOREEN: Yeah, well... We're trying... But he just went insane there for a while...

ELAINE: Oh, he went insane?...

NOREEN: Believe it or not, Paul was convinced I was having an affair because somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of a sick person calls and hangs up over and over?

ELAINE: (awkward, increasingly avoiding eye contact) Well. Uh. I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!

NOREEN: (has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement) I can't believe that was you...

ELAINE: (looks at Noreen) I'm really sorry, Noreen...

NOREEN: (reconsidering Paul's worth) ...So you thought he was boring?

ELAINE: Hey, Noreen, don't go by me! Ha ha.

(Elaine makes sweeping upward motion with a fist to accentuate the point)

[Day. Jerry and Elaine at Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!

ELAINE: (head in arms) I know--

JERRY: First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.

ELAINE: Well... I got confused, they sound exactly the same.

JERRY: So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets... A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.

ELAINE: (apologetically) I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

JERRY: Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman: anything you say she does!

(Door bell buzzes. Jerry goes over, hits the button)

JERRY: Yeah.

DONNA: It's Donna Chang.

JERRY: (hits button) Come on up. (opens door a little)

ELAINE: Well, I guess I just didn't realize it...

JERRY: Well, let's look back at your history with this woman. Okay?

ELAINE: (like a little girl) Okay...

JERRY: First, you encouraged her to join the army... She did.

ELAINE: She was lost...

JERRY: Then, you suggest she goes... AWOL! She did!

ELAINE: Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun...

JERRY: You know... You better make sure and never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge...

ELAINE: If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!

(Donna Chang comes in briskly, in a good mood)

DONNA: Hi.

JERRY: Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine...

(At the same time--DONNA: Helllo...--ELAINE: Hi! How are you?)

DONNA: (to Jerry) Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting divorced.

ELAINE: (happy gasp) Oh.

JERRY: Why? What happened?

DONNA: Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour and she changed her mind!!!

JERRY: Wow! That's amazing!

DONNA: Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner!

ELAINE: (off camera) Huh.

DONNA: She said you should come too.

JERRY: Tonight?

DONNA: Yeah--I just remembered, I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class. (goes to phone)

(Behind her, Jerry and Elaine slowly exchange looks)

[Same day. At the Costanzas' are Frank and Estelle -- George bursts in, frantic. Estelle's snacking, watching TV]

GEORGE: All right. (tearing his jacket off) Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is gonna happen. You hear me? No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your mind!!!

ESTELLE: (calmly) We're not getting divorced.

FRANK: Your mother changed her mind... (tries to catch a fly with his hand)

GEORGE: (gleeful, to Estelle) You did?! That's Goood! That's very good! I'm very glad to hear that.

FRANK: Yeah, we worked it out.

GEORGE: All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?

FRANK: He was my lawyer.

GEORGE: Your lawyer wears a cape...?

FRANK: Yeah. So what?

GEORGE: Who wears a cape?

FRANK: He's very independent; he doesn't follow the trends.

ESTELLE: He looks ridiculous in that thing...

FRANK: (shouting) You have no eye for fashion!!!

ESTELLE: (shouting) I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!

GEORGE: All right! Come on! Let's not fight.

Frank and ESTELLE: All right! All right!

ESTELLE: Georgie's right. (pats him on the cheek)

GEORGE: (quietly) ehh. (pausing to look at both of them) So what made you change your mind?

ESTELLE: It was that Chinese woman.

[Day. In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, Donna Chang is with him]

JERRY: So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?

DONNA: I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.

JERRY: Confucius, huh?

DONNA: Yeah.

JERRY: (pause) You know, you're not Chinese...

[Day. The Costanzas' again. Frank opens the door for Jerry and Donna]

JERRY: Hey! I heard the good news!

FRANK: Jerry, how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!

JERRY: Elaine was... in a rush.

FRANK: (to George, pointing) I knew it was Elaine!!

DONNA: You must be Estelle.

ESTELLE: (giggles) Yes. Who are you...?

DONNA: I'm Donna Chang!

ESTELLE: (steps back, appalled) You're not Chinese!

[Day. In Noreen's apartment. Noreen and Kramer are sitting on the couch when the phone rings. Kramer picks it up. Scene cuts back and forth between Elaine and them]

KRAMER: Y'ello?

ELAINE: Paul?

KRAMER: Elaine!

ELAINE: Kramer?

KRAMER: (pause) YEAHH!

ELAINE: What are you doin' there?

KRAMER: Wellll, isn't it obvious?

ELAINE: (scoffs) Uh, is Noreen there?

KRAMER: Yes she is...

ELAINE: (pause) Well... Can I talk to her?

KRAMER: Oh, what? Am I... tooo boring for you?

ELAINE: (losing patience) Alright--would you just put her on?

KRAMER: Well, I feel that it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while...

ELAINE: YOU feel?

KRAMER: That's right! She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life, lo these many years...

ELAINE: What, are you insane?!

KRAMER: From now on, I'll be calling the shots around here...

ELAINE: Uh! Ho-ho. An' what are YOU gonna tell her?

KRAMER: Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army...(Noreen sighs a little) There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now... And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do...

ELAINE: (sighs) Kramer! You have GOT to let me talk to her!

KRAMER: Can't help ya, kid.

ELAINE: Get the-- (Kramer puts phone down)

[Day. Back at the Costanzas']

ESTELLE: You're not Chinese!?!?

DONNA: ...No.

ESTELLE: I thought you were Chinese!!

DONNA: I'm from Long Island.

ESTELLE: Long Island?!?! I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!

DONNA: I'm sorry...?

ESTELLE: Well... then... that changes everything!

GEORGE: What?!

ESTELLE: She's not Chinese; I was duped!!

GEORGE: So what?! She still gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chinese?!?!

ESTELLE: I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! (goes into another room)

GEORGE: (chases after her) Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!?!

FRANK: (shouts after them) You want a divorce?!!? You got one!!!

JERRY: (pause, to Donna) You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name...

[Day. Jerry and Elaine, walking down the street]

ELAINE: So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!

JERRY: Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. (buys a newspaper out of a machine)

ELAINE: (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.

ELAINE: (quietly) hu_uh, (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.

JERRY: Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish...

(A cab pulls up and George gets out)

GEORGE: Oh, it had to happen!!

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: I knew it!! (shuts cab door) I predicted it! (hits cab roof twice, it drives off) Saw both of them today! What a disaster! I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch together. Never had... LUNCH with my mother before--it's like a date! Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We played "Clue"! All day with this! [Kew Gardens (see links at end of script)]

(Kramer sticks his head out of the apartment window, shouts down to them)

KRAMER: (triumphant) Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!! (give two thumbs up)

[Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. Noreen standing on the the edge, peering over, the wind blowing up on her face -- She starts to outstretch her arms, like a bird about to take flight. Just then, the man in the cape and shades appears. He edges over to her cautiously, reaches over and grabs her forearm, just as she's about to jump....]

NOREEN: (surprised) Who are you?!

MAN: I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. (He starts pulling her to safety)

The End

========================================================

http://www.newsday.com/extras/lihistory/spectown/hist000m.htm

Kew Gardens

Courts, Politicos and Will Rogers

Beginnings: In the 1600s most of central Queens from Jamaica Township to Long Island City was the Town of Newtown, a forest-and-farm area that during the American Revolution had a sparse, widely scattered population. However, development came rapidly in the 19th Century. In 1869, developers Alban P. Man and Edward Richmond carved out a section south of what is now Flushing Meadow-Corona Park and called it Richmond Hill. In the early 1900s, Man's sons, Arthur and Alrick, developed a community of their own at the site of the Richmond Hill Golf Club, which closed in 1909. They called it Kew after the London botanical gardens at Kew.

Turning Point: At first, Kew Gardens was an enclave of large homes offered to ``acceptable purchasers only'' by the Kew Gardens Corp. However, in the 1920s large apartment houses were built on the sections close to Queens Boulevard and Union Turnpike.

Claims to Fame: Kew Gardens, home of both the Queens Borough Hall and the Queens criminal courts, was also the home of jurist Richard S. Newcombe (for whom Newcombe Plaza is named), humorist Will Rogers and UN Secretary-General Ralph Bunche, until he died in 1971. His Tudor Revival home, at 115-25 Grosvenor Rd., is a national landmark.

Where to Find More: Back issues of Kew-Forest Life and The Reporter magazines available in the Queens Borough Central Library, Long Island Collection, 89-11 Merrick Blvd., Jamaica, 11432.

(Long Island: Our Story http://www.lihistory.com/ )

(http://www.oldkewgardens.com/

http://www.oldkewgardens.com/media-0010.html)

Inside Kew Gardens Reprinted from an article in the October 1982 issue of Metropolis Magazine. http://www.metropolismag.com/

S6E5 - The Couch

Broadcast date: October 27, 1994

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Reni Santoni   ....................... Poppie

David James Elliott .............. Carl

Robert Hooks ...................... Joe Temple

Denise Dowse ..................... Mother

Patton Oswalt ..................... Clerk

Diana Theodore .................. Remy

Jessica Hecht ....................... Marie

Mari Weiss .......................... Woman #1

Tamar Cooper ..................... Woman #2

Beverly C. Brown ................ Woman #3

Jeris Lee Poindexter ............. Man

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!'

[Opening scene - Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for a new couch.]

JERRY: So, she got you to join a book club?

GEORGE: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.

JERRY: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?

GEORGE: Nah, I don't like that one.

JERRY: So, what's your first book?

GEORGE: "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)

JERRY: It's kinda old, isn't it?

GEORGE: They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.

JERRY (standing): Oh, sure...Truman Capote.

GEORGE: He's a great writer.

JERRY: Oh, yeah.

GEORGE: Did you ever read anything by him?

JERRY: No. You?

GEORGE: Nah.

JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall): Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering Jerry's new couch.]

ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?

JERRY: New couch, baby!

ELAINE: New couch? Why?

JERRY: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.

(Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they pick up Jerry's old couch.)

ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously): Hello.

CARL: Hello.

ELAINE: Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!

JERRY: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.

ELAINE: What are you doing with your old couch?

JERRY: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?

ELAINE: Yeah, I'll take it.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.

ELAINE: Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey! Couch is comin.'

JERRY: It's here!

KRAMER: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.

JERRY (nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.

KRAMER: Ooh! Remember Poppie?

JERRY: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: What was that again?

KRAMER: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?

ELAINE (in a southern accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!

JERRY: What made you resurrect that old idea?

KRAMER: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.

ELAINE: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.

JERRY: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?

KRAMER: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.

ELAINE: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!

KRAMER: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.

JERRY: Oh, Kramer, I -

(Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)

JERRY: Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?

ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.

JERRY: Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.

CARL (hands Jerry an invoice): Sign here.

ELAINE (to Carl): Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.

CARL: Sure.

ELAINE: 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?

CARL: Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.

ELAINE: Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)

KRAMER: Did you offer those guys a drink?

JERRY: Uh, no. Should I have?

KRAMER: What kind of a person are you?

JERRY: I don't know.

[New scene - George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."]

GEORGE: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.]

ELAINE: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?"

JERRY: Ah ha...

ELAINE: You wanna know what I said?

JERRY: I can't wait.

ELAINE: "I do now."

JERRY: Clever.

ELAINE: Is that something?

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: Is that something?

JERRY: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.

ELAINE: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.

JERRY: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)

POPPIE: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.)

JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand): Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.

ELAINE: Nice to meet you, Poppie.

POPPIE: Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!

JERRY: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.

POPPIE: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.

ELAINE: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.

POPPIE: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.

JERRY: So, what's good tonight?

[Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine.]

[Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.]

ELAINE: Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.

JERRY: Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.

ELAINE: Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.

JERRY: So, you won't eat the pizza?

ELAINE: No way.

JERRY: Really.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?

ELAINE: Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.

JERRY: Really!

ELAINE: Yeah. That's right.

JERRY: Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)

POPPIE: Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.

JERRY: Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?

POPPIE: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...

JERRY: Oh, boy.

POPPIE: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.

ELAINE (offended): Well...Poppie. I think differently.

POPPIE: And what gives you the right to do that?

ELAINE (standing up): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.

WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE (to her date): I heard that. Let's go, Henry.

HENRY: But we just got here...

WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLE: I'm with you, Poppie!

WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE (to her date): Let's go!

ELAINE (to Poppie): And I am not coming back!

POPPIE: You're not welcome!

JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)

[New scene - Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.

GEORGE: I'm sorry I missed it.

JERRY: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?

GEORGE: Oh...pretty good.

JERRY: So, what's it about?

GEORGE: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.

JERRY: Holly Go-Lightly.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's quite a character.

JERRY: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Big surprise.

GEORGE: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.

JERRY: You're not very bright, are you?

GEORGE: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.

JERRY: Why don't you rent the movie?

GEORGE: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)

KRAMER (scanning a menu): So...how was the dinner last night?

JERRY: Oh...well...

KRAMER: Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.

ELAINE (sitting down): Oh...well...

KRAMER: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?

ELAINE: Nothing.

KRAMER: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.

ELAINE: What's wrong with him?

KRAMER: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)

JERRY: We should get him something.

ELAINE: Yeah. You're right.

[New scene - Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.]

ELAINE: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?

CARL: Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture.

ELAINE: You don't have any furniture?

CARL: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.)

ELAINE: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?

CARL: Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.)

[New scene - Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench outside.]

KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.

POPPIE (opening the gift basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!

KRAMER: Why, what...?

POPPIE: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?

KRAMER: Well, we're not very close.

POPPIE: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.

KRAMER: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?

POPPIE: Oh, very good ducks.

[New scene - Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.]

ELAINE: I'm in looove!

JERRY: Whoa!

ELAINE: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!

JERRY: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?

ELAINE: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)

JERRY: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

ELAINE (putting on lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.

JERRY: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?

ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face): What?

JERRY: What is his stand...on abortion?

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

JERRY: How do you know?

ELAINE: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.

JERRY: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.

[New scene - George at a video store counter.]

GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.

CLERK (checking the computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.

GEORGE: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.

CLERK: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.

GEORGE: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.

CLERK: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.

GEORGE: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.

CLERK: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.

(The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at the information on his computer monitor.)

[New scene - George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.]

VOICE ON INTERCOM: Yes?

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?

INTERCOM: Yes.

GEORGE: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?

[New scene - Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, what's happenin.'

KRAMER: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.

JERRY: You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.

KRAMER: Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)

JERRY: Okay. Hi, Poppie.

POPPIE: Hello.

JERRY: I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.

POPPIE: That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.

JERRY: Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)

KRAMER: Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?

POPPIE: No.

KRAMER: Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?

POPPIE: Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -

JERRY (comes out of the bedroom with Poppie's money): Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...

POPPIE: The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)

JERRY: ...the...the...

KRAMER (to Poppie): So long. I'll see you tonight.

JERRY (frantic): Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!

KRAMER: What is what?

JERRY: This puddle on my sofa!

KRAMER: What puddle?

JERRY (points): That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)

KRAMER: I don't know.

JERRY (looking at the puddle with Kramer): Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!

KRAMER: Are you sure?

JERRY: Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

KRAMER: I'm sure it'll come out.

JERRY: I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!

KRAMER: Ah, you're making too much of it.

JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.

KRAMER: Right!

[New scene - George at Joe Temple's door.]

GEORGE: Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.

JOE: Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.

GEORGE: She was a delicate flower.

JOE: Why didn't you just read the book?

GEORGE: Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)

JOE: Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.)

[New scene - Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.]

CARL: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi. (They kiss.)

CARL: I missed you.

ELAINE: Oh, I missed you!

CARL: I don't remember the last time I felt this way.

ELAINE: Me, either!

CARL: I think about you all the time.

ELAINE: You do?

CARL: Do you think about me?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.

CARL: What friend?

ELAINE: Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)

CARL: You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.

(Elaine breaks down in tears.)

[New scene - George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's with Joe and Remy.]

GEORGE: So, anything to uh, nosh?

JOE: What did you want?

GEORGE: Popcorn?

REMY: Popcorn? Where do you think you are?

GEORGE: Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.

REMY: Well, we don't.

GEORGE: You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.

JOE (passes George a bowl): Here's some nuts.

GEORGE: Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.

REMY (to Joe): Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.)

GEORGE: Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'

JOE: The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.)

[New scene - Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the first 'test pizza.']

KRAMER (in a chef's hat and apron): See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)

POPPIE: Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high!

KRAMER (puts the dough on the counter): Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...

POPPIE: Not too much!

KRAMER: And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)

POPPIE: Wait a second...what is that?

KRAMER: It's cucumbers.

POPPIE: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.

KRAMER: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.

POPPIE: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.

KRAMER: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.

POPPIE: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!

KRAMER: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?

POPPIE: Because it's a pizza!

KRAMER: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!

POPPIE: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!

KRAMER: No, it isn't!

POPPIE: Yes, it is!

[Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters.]

JOE'S WIFE: I'm home.

JOE: Hey, honey.

REMY: Hi, Mom.

JOE'S WIFE: Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?

JOE: Yeah.

JOE'S WIFE: Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan.

JOE: Aw, that's too bad.

JOE'S WIFE: Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -

GEORGE (clears his throat, annoyed that the movie's being interrupted): Joe...could you...

JOE'S WIFE: Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...

GEORGE: You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.

JOE'S WIFE: Who are you?

JOE: This is George Costanza.

GEORGE (irritated): This is very hard to follow with all the talking.

JOE: I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.)

GEORGE: Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)

JOE'S WIFE: Who is this guy?

REMY: He's in some book club.

JOE'S WIFE: And what's he doing here?

REMY: Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.)

GEORGE: So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.

REMY: What?

GEORGE: C'mon, you took my seat.

REMY: It's not your seat.

GEORGE: I was sitting there, c'mon.

REMY: You didn't save it.

GEORGE: I had the arm! Joe...

JOE: What's the difference?

GEORGE: Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...

REMY: It's my couch.

GEORGE: Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)

REMY: Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.)

GEORGE: Joe...

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.]

ELAINE: Oh my god.

JERRY: You see?!

ELAINE: So, you're gonna get a new couch?

JERRY: Well, I guess I have no choice.

ELAINE: Do you want your old couch back?

JERRY: I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?

INTERCOM: It's the movers.

JERRY: 'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)

ELAINE: Who's that?

JERRY: Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.

ELAINE: No, no, he's not my boyfriend.

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: Take a guess.

JERRY: Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)

ELAINE: Hi.

CARL: Hi.

JERRY: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.

CARL: Today?

JERRY: Could you?

CARL: Sure.

ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?

JERRY: George is taking it.

ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?

JERRY: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.

[New scene - Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.]

CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.

ELAINE: Yeah, me too.

CARL: It's just too bad.

ELAINE: Yeah. It is.

CARL: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.

ELAINE: Can I offer you anything to drink?

CARL (off-camera): Yeah, sure.

ELAINE (looking in the fridge): All I've got is grape juice.

CARL: Throw it!

(Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear the sound of breaking glass.)

CARL: The couch!

[New scene - George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's.]

MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"): She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.

GEORGE: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.

MARIE: George...Fred's gay.

(George ponders this quizzically.)

The End

S6E6 - The Gymnast

Broadcast date: November 3, 1994

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lois Nettleton   .................... Mrs. Enright

Elina Löwensohn ................. Katya

Jessica Hecht ........................ Lindsay

Maurice Godin ..................... Misha

James Sweeney .................... Aronson

David Blackwood ................ Beck

Phil Ramsey .......................... Man in Car

Damian London ................... Party Guest

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ............ Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Nightclub]

JERRY: I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president, by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and this says what about you? "Well, I can't afford to just throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am!"

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thing.

GEORGE: I think she finds my stupidity charming.

JERRY: As we all do.

GEORGE: Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after.

JERRY: Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?

GEORGE: Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll love me.

JERRY: You're good with the mothers.

GEORGE: Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.

JERRY: Maybe you should date the mothers.

GEORGE: Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'.

JERRY: Oh, you got something goin'.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: (enters apartment) Hey.

GEORGE: Hey! (heads toward bathroom)

KRAMER: Hey, you got a hammer?

JERRY: What do you need a hammer for?

KRAMER: Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em.

JERRY: Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over.

KRAMER: No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride?

JERRY: Nah, I don't think so.

KRAMER: (shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride?

GEORGE: (inside bathroom) Nah.

KRAMER: Oh, COME ON!

JERRY: Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?

KRAMER: All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave)

JERRY: Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast?

KRAMER: A gymnast!

JERRY: Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics.

KRAMER: A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.

JERRY: Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.

KRAMER: (shuts door) "Bailing"?

JERRY: Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.

KRAMER: Jerry, you should pay that price.

JERRY: She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu?

KRAMER: Ch- oo-... what?

GEORGE: (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.

JERRY: (watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this?

GEORGE: What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.

JERRY: (stares at George, incredulous) "Back on"? What was it doing off?

GEORGE: I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the "office".

JERRY: (laughing) What for?

GEORGE: Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.

JERRY: Unbuttoned, or all the way off?

GEORGE: ALL the way, baby!

JERRY: Of course.

KRAMER: (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.

JERRY: What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out.

KRAMER: (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...

JERRY: (picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off?

GEORGE: Always.

JERRY: Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared.

[Mr. Pitt's office]

MR. PITT: Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people.

ELAINE: What meeting?

MR. PITT: I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees for Morgan Springs, and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek.

ELAINE: Oh! (tries to take paper)

MR. PITT: (pulls away) Are you using a fountain pen?

ELAINE: Yes?

MR. PITT: They smear! Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this office.

ELAINE: All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.

(knock at door)

KRAMER: Elaine?

ELAINE: Come in, come in!

KRAMER: Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh?

ELAINE: Ah, right there, yeah.

KRAMER: (rips open package) Yeah, that's...

ELAINE: Kramer, it's...

KRAMER: (holds up framed picture): There she blows! (throws paper around)

ELAINE: Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work to do, okay?

KRAMER: Oh, these are nice corners, huh?

MR. PITT: Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) Oh, this is very odd.

KRAMER: (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.

MR. PITT: Yes, I've heard about these. How do they work?

KRAMER: Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!

MR. PITT: I don't see it.

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids...

MR. PITT: I still don't see it.

ELAINE: Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do.

KRAMER: Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right at you.

MR. PITT: A spaceship, where?

KRAMER: (pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama!

ELAINE: Kramer, what's wrong?

KRAMER: Mama!

ELAINE: Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?

KRAMER: I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama!

MR. PITT: (still staring at picture) How long does it usually take?

[Lindsay's mother's apartment]

(Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently been witty and charming)

MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh, George, it is so nice to finally meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.

LINDSAY: Mother...

GEORGE: Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family.

MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh? Are you and your family close?

GEORGE: (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close.

LINDSAY: Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator. George, do you mind waiting just one more minute?

GEORGE: Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's do this again real soon. I had fun, huh?

MRS. ENRIGHT: Can I offer you anything to eat?

GEORGE: Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh?

MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh no, George, you don't have to...

GEORGE: No, I know I don't have to, I want to.

MRS. ENRIGHT: George, you are such a gentleman.

GEORGE: I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right.

[Kitchen]

(George opens trash bin, sees an éclair at the top with one bite taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is watching, he picks up the éclair and takes a bite just as Mrs. Enright enters the kitchen.)

MRS. ENRIGHT: (wide-eyed) Oh...

GEORGE: (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!

[Mr. Pitt's office]

ELAINE: (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is so cool!

MR. PITT: Where is it?

ELAINE: (pointing) Right here.

MR. PITT: I'm looking there!

ELAINE: No, no, unfocus.

MR. PITT: I am unfocused!

(phone rings)

ELAINE: (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting.

MR. PITT: (still staring at picture) Meeting?

ELAINE: Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?

MR. PITT: Why don't you go for me?

ELAINE: How can I go?

MR. PITT: Oh, all they're gonna do is read the report.

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea.

MR. PITT: Oh, DAMN this thing!

[Jerry's car]

JERRY: (trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator.

KATYA: Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.

JERRY: He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!"

KATYA: And you could not refuse.

JERRY: No, you'd have to be crazy.

KATYA: He was a very bad dictator.

JERRY: Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.

[Monk's Diner]

JERRY: So lemme get this straight: you find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

GEORGE: No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!

JERRY: Was it in the trash?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: Then it was trash.

GEORGE: It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top.

JERRY: But it was in the cylinder!

GEORGE: Above the rim.

JERRY: Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.

GEORGE: It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on.

JERRY: Was it eaten?

GEORGE: One little bite.

JERRY: Well, that's garbage.

GEORGE: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt!

JERRY: Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum.

(Kramer enters, walking awkwardly)

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What's with you?

KRAMER: I got a stone.

JERRY: What stone?

KRAMER: A kidney stone.

JERRY: What is that, anyway?

KRAMER: It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine!

JERRY: Oh, that's gotta hurt.

[Poland Creek office]

ARONSON: Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including the stock swap.

ELAINE: Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some stock. (giggles)

BECK: And if you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in full-scale production by the spring.

ELAINE: All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's the name of the new company gonna be?

BECK: Moland Spring.

ELAINE: (making a face) "Moland"?

ARONSON: Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland.

ELAINE: Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't drink anything called "Moland".

ARONSON: But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.

ELAINE: Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right?

ARONSON: (to Beck) We've got to do something about that name.

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance.

JERRY: Good for you.

GEORGE: Yes, good for me!

JERRY: Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out.

GEORGE: Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist!

KRAMER: (enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV)

JERRY: Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference.

KRAMER: Jerry, what is your problem?

JERRY: Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings.

KRAMER: All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Tantric yoga?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!

JERRY: Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it.

KRAMER: All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback)

JERRY: All right.

GEORGE: Did you pass your stone yet?

KRAMER: Not yet. But the suspense is killing me.

JERRY: (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes.

[Jerry's car, night]

JERRY: (smiling and excited) Well, here we are.

KATYA: Yes. We are here.

JERRY: How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide!

KATYA: I can balance myself in any position.

(Jerry swallows)

KATYA: It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics.

JERRY: Oh boy...

[Jerry's apartment, morning]

JERRY: I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a "magical world" of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing gymnastic about it.

ELAINE: Well, what did you think she was gonna do?

JERRY: Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.

ELAINE: No, what?

JERRY: Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know...

ELAINE: What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and...

JERRY: You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics...

ELAINE: Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?

JERRY: Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.

KRAMER: You mean like the uneven parallel bars?

JERRY: See, again, I really don't feel that...

ELAINE: The balance beam?

JERRY: Could we stop?

ELAINE: (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse?

JERRY: All right. Let's just drop it.

(Jerry and Elaine move to couch)

JERRY: So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night.

ELAINE: I dunno, at least three weeks.

JERRY: (sarcastic) Oh, great.

ELAINE: Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger.

JERRY: Between Poland and Morgan?

ELAINE: Yeah. Started a big name controversy.

(Kramer shouts from off-screen)

JERRY: Kramer! The stone!

(Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway)

JERRY: What happened, did you pass the stone?

KRAMER: (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and I didn't make it.

[City street]

GEORGE: (singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink, makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield)

MAN IN CAR: Hey! What the hell was that?!

GEORGE: I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-

MAN IN CAR: Clean that up!

GEORGE: Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine.

MRS. ENRIGHT: (sees George cleaning car windshield, looks appalled)

GEORGE: Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)

JERRY: Strike two!

GEORGE: You think I'm going down?

JERRY: You're behind in the count.

GEORGE: I know.

KRAMER: (enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later?

JERRY: I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you.

KRAMER: Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time: people are a little shy, a little reticent.

JERRY: If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks.

KRAMER: All right, where you going?

JERRY: We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out.

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.

JERRY: Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!

KRAMER: No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah, well you're going.

KRAMER: Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!

[Mr. Pitt's office]

MR. PITT: (in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't send you over there to complain about the name.

ELAINE: Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"?

MR. PITT: I like the name "Moland". I picked it out. After all those months of negotiating!

ELAINE: Well, I'm so sorry! I-

MR. PITT: Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been on Jenny for three days, all because of this blasted painting. (phone rings) Elaine?

ELAINE: Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?

MR. PITT: (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Ah!

[Circus, backstage]

(Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear)

KATYA: So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?

JERRY: "Greatest Show on Earth"!

KATYA: My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.

JERRY: Well, they certainly take up a lot of space.

(Katya's friend walks up)

KATYA: Ah, Misha!

MISHA: Katya!

KATYA: Misha, this is Jerry.

MISHA: Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks in Romanian to Katya)

KATYA: (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing at Jerry)

[Mr. Pitt's office]

ELAINE: (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt!

MR. PITT: (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm on to something!

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger!

MR. PITT: You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading. You want DEEP focus!

ELAINE: (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second. Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at that poster!

MR. PITT: I see something that could be a spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointy?

ELAINE: (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?!

MR. PITT: Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens lapels) When's the meeting?

ELAINE: In about twenty minutes.

MR. PITT: Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which now resembles an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) Do I have time to change?

ELAINE: Um, no.

MR. PITT: Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight over there.

ELAINE: Uh, Mr. Pitt...

MR. PITT: Yes?

ELAINE: Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip)

MR. PITT: (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) Is that ink?

ELAINE: No?

(Pitt exits)

[George's car]

GEORGE: Well, here we are.

LINDSAY: Do you want to come in? My mother's having a little party.

GEORGE: Maybe I could just use the bathroom.

LINDSAY: Sure.

[Circus, back stage]

ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb.

MISHA: It is time.

JERRY: Well, break a leg.

(Misha gives Jerry a dark look)

JERRY: Eh, show biz...

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha!

(Misha exits)

JERRY: Boy, those capes are really coming back.

[Lindsay's mother's apartment]

PARTY GUEST: (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.

(George enters bathroom)

[Circus]

(Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food everywhere, enters Men's room)

(Misha walks slowly across tightrope)

(Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant to flee and Misha to wobble)

[Circus, back stage]

JERRY: What is that sound?

KATYA: (covering ears) It is horrible!

(Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating scream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror)

[Lindsay's mother's apartment]

(George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes)

GEORGE: Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!

(George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at him, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual)

[Morgan Springs shareholder meeting]

(Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing emphatically.)

MR. PITT: I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations will not deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock will rise HIGH! (raises hand)

[Circus, back stage]

KATYA: He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me.

JERRY: Oh, why not?

KATYA: It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in.

JERRY: Really?

KATYA: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. (walks off)

[Circus, Men's room]

(Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling)

The End

S6E7 - The Soup

Broadcast date: November 10, 1994

Written by Fred Stoller

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tracy Kolis  ......................... Kelly

Daniel Gerroll ..................... Simon

Linda Wallem  ..................... Hildy

Lawrence A. Mandley ........ Manager / Monk's

Michael Kaplan .................... Waiter

rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

You have a close friend and they get involved, with someone in a relationship. It affects your friendship doesn't it? Because it's like you were a comedy team, and now there's this third person, you know, it kind of throws off the timing. Who's on first, I don't know, uh dear, who, who do you think is on first? In fact, whenever a friend of mine ah, starts with a new girlfriend, he should just say, “I look like the person you use to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. In other words, if were having an argument and she's there, I may say I totally disagree with you, but what that means is, I’d like to help you out, but I’d rather continue to see her naked.”

[Exterior daylight shot of Monk's restaurant -- then inside where Jerry and George are sitting in the usual booth. A waitress (Kelly) walks up to the table to take their order.]

WAITRESS: O.K. Cowboys, (taps pencil on her pad) What'll you have?

JERRY: I’ll have the, ah, turkey club without the bacon.

GEORGE: And ah, I’ll have the bacon club without the turkey. (raises eyebrows)

WAITRESS: George, don't make me get tough with you.

GEORGE: Why, you think you can, beat me up?

WAITRESS: You wouldn't want me to mess up the beautiful face of yours.

GEORGE: Huh, nggh [snort] Stop. (flirting with her he playfully hits her arm with the menu, then flicks it into the air)

WAITRESS: You don't want bacon I’ll surprise you. (she turns and walks away)

GEORGE: Wow, is she not terrific?

JERRY: She does have a way.

GEORGE: You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?

JERRY: Well they do work on tips.

GEORGE: “George, don't make me get tough with you.” Whu, hu, hu, hu huuuu (raises arms) Who says that? She is really cool. What do you think? You think she likes me?

JERRY: Ah, I should have got the egg white omelet.

GEORGE: Why should she like me? Who am I? Huh, there's a million people to like.

JERRY: The omelet. Damn.

GEORGE: Maybe she could like me? Is it that far fetched? Maybe she sees something? Is it possible?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Not possible.

GEORGE: Not possible.

(Elaine enters and walks up to the table)

ELAINE: Heyyyyyy (leaning in, very friendly and happy)

GEORGE: Hey Elaine.

JERRY: Lannie, how was the trip?

(Elaine sits down next to George in the booth)

GEORGE: What trip? You were gone?

ELAINE: I went to England ... with Mr. Pitt, for 5 days.

GEORGE: Hunh, pph (raises hands slightly, in amazement) How was it?

ELAINE: Actually it was great. I met an Englishman, and we really, hit it off.

JERRY: Yeah, well that relationships really got a lot of potential.

GEORGE: he he (laughs)

ELAINE: Yeah well Jerome, I, happen to be flying him in on my frequent flyer miles.

GEORGE: Flying him in? How long’s he staying for?

ELAINE: It's an open ended ticket. He can return any time he wants.

GEORGE: All this in 5 days. Hmm.

JERRY: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.

(Kenny Bania is hanging up his coat on the coat rack by the front door)

GEORGE: Who's he?

JERRY: (quietly) Oh, he's this awful comedian.

(Bania walks over to the table, stands there with his arms on his hips)

BANIA: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Kenny. (with some fake enthusiasm, just to be polite)

JERRY: Elaine, George (introducing them to Bania with less enthusiasm)

ELAINE: Hi. (she flips her hair)

GEORGE: Hi (raises his left hand in a slight gesture to say hi)

BANIA: Hi. (to Elaine)

JERRY: How's it going?

BANIA: Great. I've been working out. Went from a size 40, to a 42.

JERRY: No kidding.

BANIA: Yeah, I’m huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, I’ll leave you guys alone. (raps his knuckle twice on the table, turns and walks away)

JERRY: All right.

ELAINE: O.K. Thanks.

(Bania gets about 3-4 steps away then turns around quickly)

BANIA: Oh. Jerry, You know what just hit me? I was thinking -- What size suit are you?

JERRY: Ahh, I’m a 40. Why?

BANIA: I just got a brand new Armani suit -- doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?

JERRY: Well I don't know if I ...

BANIA: Oh come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?

ELAINE: An Armani suit?

GEORGE: Take the suit.

JERRY: Well ... ok, I guess (voice trailing off)

BANIA: You gonna be home later?

JERRY: Yeah.

BANIA: I’ll drop it off. (raps his knuckle twice on the table again, turns and walks away)

GEORGE: Heh heh heh hey, new suit (raises coffee cup as a salute / toast)

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, lucky me. (sips coffee)

(The waitress walks up to the table with Jerry and George's plates)

WAITRESS: (to George) Here I personally made you a cold chicken sandwich. It's not even on the menu.

GEORGE: (takes a large bite - with his mouth still full, his speech is muffled) Oh, this is fabulous.

(The waitress cocks her head and looks at George as if she is glad he likes the sandwich)

[Exterior of the restaurant, then to Jerry and George standing outside on the sidewalk. Jerry is zipping up his leather jacket. George is wearing a larger green jacket.]

GEORGE: Boy, she is nice. I like her, I like her Jerry. She's got substance. She oozes substance.

JERRY: Well, go in there and talk to her. She's not going to put ‘em on the glass.

GEORGE: You mean a walk back in? That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no-man’s-land, and if I get shot down I have to crawl all the way back. Well I can't do it! I can't do it, I tell ya!

(Jerry grabs George forcefully by the collar of his coat)

JERRY: Pull yourself together. Your going in there soldier! That's an order!

(Jerry lightly slaps George on his right arm. George turns to look at the restaurant and the task at hand)

JERRY: Get in there. (he pushes George in the direction of the restaurant)

[Exterior daylight shot of Jerry's brick apt. building, then to the interior of his apt. Kramer enters quickly, sliding on his right foot.]

KRAMER: Hey. (walking over to Jerry, who sits at the table reading the newspaper)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Listen, I need you to do me a favor.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Well, I need you to help me move my refrigerator.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Cause I’m getting rid of it.

[Intercom buzzes]

(Kramer turns & goes over to the intercom to push the speaker button. He says something like “ya go,” but it's difficult to make out what he says)

JERRY: YEAH? (speaking loudly so the visitor can hear him through the intercom)

BANIA: [It's K.B., I have the suit]

JERRY: ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP (Jerry puts his head down - he's not looking forward to Kenny Bania)

KRAMER: (claps hands) So ...

JERRY: Well, well, why are you getting rid of your refrigerator? (he gets up from the table and carries a dish into the kitchen)

KRAMER: Well after that Kidney Stone I only want fresh food. It's gotta be fresh. I’m not eating any more stored food. Plus you know I want the space.

JERRY: What for?

KRAMER: Well I could put a, dresser in there. I could get dressed while I’m making breakfast.

(Bania opens the door and leans his head in)

BANIA: Hey (holds the Armani suit up) Here you go. (walks into the apt.)

JERRY: Yeah.

BANIA: You didn’t think I was really going to give you a suit, did you?

KRAMER: What, you're giving him this suit?

BANIA: That's right, and it's an Armani.

KRAMER: Armani? Hey, Armani Jerry. (Kramer takes the suit and looks it over)

JERRY: Yes, yes, I heard.

KRAMER: Come on, try it on.

(Kramer takes the jacket off of the hangar and put the pans, still on the hanger, on the kitchen counter -- he opens the jacket for Jerry to slip in to)

JERRY: No, it's ok.

KRAMER: Come on, I want to see how it fits.

JERRY: All right, all right. (trying on the suit jacket)

KRAMER: There you go.

JERRY: Ok, Yeah all right.

KRAMER: Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.

BANIA: I don't even want anything for it.

(grinning like a Hyena, Bania looks at Jerry -- Jerry's _expression looks like “what have I gotten myself into here.”)

KRAMER: He's very generous, isn't he?

JERRY: Yes, yes, he is.

BANIA: I’ll tell you what -- you can take me out to dinner sometime.

(Jerry starts taking the jacket off and stops -- looking very surprised at Bania)

JERRY: Dinner?

BANIA: Yeah. You buy me a meal -- you can't get a better deal than that (pats Jerry on the shoulder)

KRAMER: No, you'll never get a better deal than that.

BANIA: All right. I’ll leave you alone. (turns and walks out the door)

JERRY: Yeah, I’ll see you.

KRAMER: All right, ooh look at that Armani, huh, yeah.

(Jerry has the jacket off and walks over to the table -- he tosses the it onto the table)

JERRY: Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I’d rather make my own suit.

(Kramer rubs his fingers through his high standing hair as George enters the apt.)

GEORGE: I did it! It's all done!

JERRY: Hey. (raises hands into “fists of encouragement”)

GEORGE: I did it. Hunh, we're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, I’m much better in the daytime then I am at night. it's less pressure.

JERRY: I love the day date. No wine, No shower.

GEORGE: There ya go.

[A daylight shot of a yellow taxi driving down the street, then inside to the back seat of the taxi -- Simon, the Englishman that Elaine met on her trip is riding with her.]

ELAINE: So the trip was good?

SIMON: Yes (nice English accent) Apart from that, dreadful airline food. It tends to reek havoc with my stomach.

ELAINE: You know I, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone, but um, I kind of like airline food. (leans in and laughs, flirting with him)

SIMON: That's probably because of ... [muttering]

ELAINE: What?

SIMON: What?

ELAINE: Yeah, what?

SIMON: [sighs]

ELAINE: What?

SIMON: Where I come from, we don't say “What?” It's proper to say “Pardon?”

ELAINE: Huh. (muttering) This should be interesting.

SIMON: Pardon?

ELAINE: Nothing.

[Beautiful aerial shot of Central Park and part of the city (visible off to the left) -- looks to be a beautiful autumn day. Then to the waitress (Kelly) and George strolling along a path in the park. Each has a coat on and their hands are in their pockets.]

KELLY: So then about a year ago I started selling, these funky little hair clips. It's going pretty good. I make them in my apartment.

(a horse with rider walks by)

KELLY: I’m just doing this waitress thing for a while, because I wanted to go to Europe this summer…

GEORGE: (quietly) ahh.

KELLY: …and I could use a few extra ... Careful

(she points to the ground, so George will see the fresh horse manure and avoid stepping in it)

GEORGE: Oh. It's just horse manure (huh huh - laughs, he points back at the horse that walked by) Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word “manure.” You know, it's, it's “nure,” which is good. and a “ma” in front of it. MA-NURE. I mean when you consider the other choices, “manure” is actually pretty refreshing.

(they both laugh a little and George glances at his watch)

KELLY: That's a nice watch George.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KELLY: You know, my boyfriend has the same one.

GEORGE: Huh. Really?

KELLY: Yeah, he loves watches. He's a real watch freak.

GEORGE: Well, how about that?

KELLY: Ooh look out. (pointing at the ground - squishing sound) You stepped right in it.

GEORGE: Yes, I sure did.

[Exterior of Jerry's brick apartment building with the staircase - then inside where George and Jerry are talking.]

JERRY: So you just pretended it didn’t bother you?

GEORGE: What is that, Boyfriend? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?

JERRY: Boy, It's the way they just slip it in there too.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. “Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.” We-e-ell that's fabulous. (snaps fingers in the air a couple of times)

JERRY: Well let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

GEORGE: I said, “would you like to go for a walk or something.”

JERRY: Oh, a walk, well --

GEORGE: Or something. I said, “Or Something!”

JERRY: Or something. Yeah, that's a date.

GEORGE: (snaps fingers) There you go.

JERRY: Course you know there is always the possibility, that she called an audible.

GEORGE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn’t like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

GEORGE: I think things were going ok. We were having a nice conversation.

JERRY: Uh huh.

GEORGE: I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

JERRY: You did?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: (quietly) Mm-hm.

GEORGE: You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. you know, you have a “nure,” with a “ma” in front of it. MA-NURE. I’z not bad.

JERRY: And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?

GEORGE: Yeah. (Jerry nodding) ... Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I wa, wa, was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts it on a positive spin on it.

JERRY: I’m just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

GEORGE: So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?

JERRY: My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

GEORGE: Well then she's just a Liar, Isn't she?

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Aaa. Well ... you want something to eat, don't you?

KRAMER: Ahh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong buddy. I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered? I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.

GEORGE: Well what do you eat?

KRAMER: It's all fresh. Fresh fish, fresh foul, fresh fruit. I buy it, I omniga nominga, I eat it.

JERRY: Well I’m glad it's working out.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, it's working out. And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggie’s.

JERRY: Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.

KRAMER: Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well, I’ll tell you, she's a full-figured gal.

JERRY: Is she?

KRAMER: Oh you better believe it buddy. Hey George, we could double sometime.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah we could. You know, ah, Kramer, the next time you talk to her, find out if she knows Kelly, from Monk's. I wanna know if she really has a boyfriend.

KRAMER: All right it's done.

(George and Kramer go over by the computer. George is writing something on a piece of paper)

(Telephone rings - Jerry picks up the phone)

JERRY: Hello?

BANIA: Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.

JERRY: Oh, Hi.

BANIA: You know, I was thinking if you're not busy, maybe I can get my meal today?

(Jerry pauses and thinks for a few seconds)

JERRY: Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?

BANIA: How about Mendy’s, ooh, ever been there?

JERRY: No I haven't?

BANIA: Ah you’re gonna love it. I’ll meet you there around 7:00.

JERRY: All right.

BANIA: Ahh.

JERRY: (hangs up the phone) Yeah, I really needed that suit.

[Exterior of Mendy’s Restaurant at dusk - then inside where Bania is sitting across the table from Jerry.]

BANIA: I start off with curls. That's good for the bicep. (motions with 2 fingers along his right bicep) I do 10 reps, 2 sets.

JERRY: Mm. That's fantastic. (he could care less)

BANIA: You work out with weights?

JERRY: No I don't.

BANIA: You should.

JERRY: Why?

(Bania’s broad smile of enthusiasm turns into a dumb founded look ...)

BANIA: You worn the suit yet?

JERRY: No, not yet.

WAITER: have you decided?

BANIA: Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.

JERRY: I’ll have the salmon.

WAITER: And you?

BANIA: Ahh, you know what I think. I’m just going to have soup. Yeah, I’ll save the meal for another time.

JERRY: Another time? What other time?

BANIA: I had a hot dog earlier. I’m not that hungry.

JERRY: No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.

BANIA: Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.

JERRY: I’m not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.

BANIA: But I don't want anything but soup.

JERRY: Then that's the meal.

BANIA: But I had the hot dog.

JERRY: I didn’t tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?

BANIA: Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?

JERRY: All right, fine. Get the soup!

[The camera fades from the previous scene into the next scene. It's the next day, outside in front of an apartment building. Elaine sits on the front stoop while Jerry leans against the railing as they talk.]

JERRY: So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.

ELAINE: What kind of soup did he get?

JERRY: I don't know? Consommé or something.

ELAINE: Consommé, hmm.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Well, that's not really a meal Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten, Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, even Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.

JERRY: Elaine you're missing the whole point.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get, as long as he's sitting in that restaurant, its a meal.

ELAINE: Was it a cup or a bowl?

JERRY: You see -- ah, uh ...

ELAINE: I’m just curious.

JERRY: A bowl, ok?

ELAINE: Did he crumble any crackers in it?

(Jerry blows out a breath)

ELAINE: (reiterating the question) Did he crumble, any crackers in it?

JERRY: As a mater of fact, he did.

ELAINE: Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That -- That could be a meal.

JERRY: It's like I’m talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.

(Simon comes out of the apartment building onto the steps next to Jerry)

ELAINE: Oh, hi Simon. This is Jerry.

SIMON: Hello. (to Jerry, politely -- then quickly turns to Elaine) Elaine, do you have any cash on you?

ELAINE: Um, yeah in my purse.

SIMON: No. There was only six dollars.

JERRY: Well, I have some money. What do you need? (pulls out some bills)

SIMON: Well, 20 should cover me. (snatches the cash) Thanks mate. (he walks down the stairs to the sidewalk)

ELAINE: Where you going?

SIMON: (starts to turn back to Elaine) Just visiting.

ELAINE: Oh, OK, see you later.

SIMON: I won't be back for dinner. (turns and walks off down the street)

ELAINE: (English accent) Pardon?

[Exterior shot of Monk’s Restaurant, then inside - George is sitting at the usual booth and Jerry sits down on the other side of the table.]

JERRY: So is she working? Is she here?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, she's here.

JERRY: Have you said anything to her?

GEORGE: No, but I’m very uncomfortable.

JERRY: Are you going to say anything?

GEORGE: There she is. (waiving his arms quickly above the table - to nix the conversation) No no no no no no.

KELLY: Hello

GEORGE: Hello.

KELLY: Well, what's it going to be?

GEORGE: What's it gonna be?

KELLY: Yes. What'll you have? Are you eating? It's in that vein.

GEORGE: I’ll eh, I’ll just have a bowl of chili.

JERRY: I’ll have an egg white omelet.

(Kelly the Waitress walks away)

GEORGE: What's it gonna be? ... You hear that?

JERRY: Yeah, that was bad.

GEORGE: Did you feel that tension? We use to have banter - (puts menu back with frustration) - there's no more banter.

(looking towards the front door, Jerry sees Kenny Bania hanging up his coat on the coat rack)

JERRY: Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down. (George & Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats)

BANIA: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

BANIA: You worn the suit yet?

JERRY: Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.

BANIA: You did?

JERRY: ... Oh, I’m joking.

BANIA: OH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I squeeze in? (to George)

GEORGE: Sure you can.

(Bania sits next to George as he and Jerry slid back to their original seats in the booth. Kelly the Waitress brings George his bowl of chili)

KELLY: Can I take your order?

BANIA: What kind of soup do you have?

JERRY: Why don't you get a sandwich?

BANIA: Ok, I’ll have tomato soup and ah, tuna on toast.

JERRY: OK ... (nodding his head up and down) This is it ‘cha know

(George grabs some napkins)

JERRY: This is the meal ... so stock up buddy boy.

BANIA: What are you talking about? this isn't a meal.

(George tucks a napkin over his shirt collar)

JERRY: Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.

BANIA: You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendy’s.

JERRY: I tried to do that.

BANIA: This is lunch in a coffee shop

JERRY: Doesn't matter, This is it. This completes the transaction.

BANIA: Ah, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit. Is that any kind of gesture? (turns to George)

BANIA: I’m really not comfortable ...

(Kramer walks up to the table, leans in, with both hands on the table)

KRAMER: (to George) Hey, I just spoke to ah, Hilde about your friend.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: She doesn't have a boyfriend. She made it up.

(Kramer points at George, and makes the “pop” sound with his lips. George looks over his left shoulder, back into the kitchen, then takes his napkin off of his shirt and throws it down on the table)

[Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment and then over to the couch.]

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: Where's Simon?

ELAINE: Oh, he'll be right up. He's just getting some beer. And I’m not expecting ... any change. (leans forward as she brings her hands together in front of her, then sits on the couch)

JERRY: When's he leaving? (putting some items into the refrigerator)

ELAINE: About 2 days. Although he's hinting at how he'd like to stay. Fortunately he has no money, and no prospects. (she smiles)

(Simon walks in the open door carrying some beer)

SIMON: Hey mate. Fancy a beer?

JERRY: Ah, no thanks.

(Telephone rings)

(Simon leans down to kiss Elaine)

JERRY: (on the phone) Hello? No, I’m sorry Bania ... I’m not going over this again. Well who told you to order soup? ... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.

(hangs up the cordless phone and sets it down -- blows air out of his mouth and cheeks ... Then he snaps his fingers)

JERRY: Hey, what size suit are you?

SIMON: 40.

JERRY: 40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?

SIMON: Absolutely.

(Jerry hands Simon the suit on the hanger)

JERRY: Great, its yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, here’s the car keys. (tosses her the keys)

ELAINE: Thanks

(Telephone rings; Jerry picks up the cordless phone)

JERRY: Yo?

BANIA: Listen Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.

JERRY: I don't have your suit. I gave it away.

(Elaine and Simon are exiting the apartment door, Simon goes first. Elaine with a big smile, realizing it's Bania on the phone, bends forward from the waist slightly, opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue like she is throwing up and then exits the apartment and closes the door.)

BANIA: Well it's my suit.

JERRY: Well it's gone. I’m sorry. Good-bye Bania.

(he hangs up the cordless phone. Kramer bursts in)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Um, yeah. (glances around the apt.) Oh, uh ... well, how's everything? (clap)

JERRY: Ok.

KRAMER: Good, ah, (clap) what's going on?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Really.

JERRY: You want food, don't cha? (nodding his head up and down)

KRAMER: It's not for me. It's for Hilde -- the waitress I was telling you about. She's hungry, she wants food. If I go back in there without any food ... there's gonna be trouble. (his voice gets really high pitched on his last sentence)

JERRY: All right, go ahead

KRAMER: Thanks buddy. (goes over to the fridge and pulls out a few things)

(Hilde walking into the open doorway of Jerry's apt. - she stands with her arms on her hips)

HILDE: Did you find anything!

KRAMER: Uh, yeah, ah ...

(looking down at the food he is clutching between his elbow and chest)

KRAMER: There's a few things in here, ah, peanut butter, cheese, yeah ...

HILDE: Cheese is good. Yeah, what kind?

KRAMER: Uh, Swiss.

HILDE: All right, it'll have to do. Come on.

(Hilde and Kramer go back to his apt. Kramer shuffles both feet wildly as he exits)

[On the sidewalk, Jerry walks up to George, who is outside, one store over from the coffee shop.]

JERRY: What are we doing out here? Aren't we going to go in and eat?

GEORGE: I can't go in there. I’m too uncomfortable.

JERRY: Oh, w-what are you saying? So we're not going to go in there anymore?

ELAINE: Hey, What are you doing out here?

JERRY: We can't eat here anymore, because he took a waitress out for a walk.

GEORGE: What's the difference? Let's go to Reggie’s.

ELAINE: Reggie’s? I can't eat anything there.

GEORGE: It's the same menu.

ELAINE: There's no “Big Salad.”

GEORGE: They'll make you a “Big Salad.” What do you think, they're the only one's that make a “Big Salad”?

ELAINE: All right. Let's go, to Reggie’s.

(George half-bows to Elaine and they start to walk down the sidewalk)

JERRY: So what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?

ELAINE: Ahh ... wait till you hear this.

[Daytime exterior of Reggie’s, then inside, where George sits on the left side of the booth while Elaine and Jerry sit on the right side of the booth.]

ELAINE: So Simon picks this woman up, right in front of me.

JERRY: Look at this. They make a point of saying on the menu, “No egg white omelets.” Look at that.

GEORGE: So what! Have a yoke! It won't kill you.

HILDE: (walks up to the table) Hello.

JERRY: Oh, hi Hilde. Can I get an egg white omelet?

HILDE: Did you read the menu?

JERRY: All right, just give me a western. (unhappy)

ELAINE: How ‘bout a Big Salad?

HILDE: A big salad?

ELAINE: (to George) Ya see?

GEORGE: Just tell her what’cha want, they'll make it for ya.

ELAINE: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.

HILDE: I can bring you 2 small salads.

ELAINE: Could you put it in a big bowl?

HILDE: We don't have big bowls.

ELAINE: All right. Just give me a cup of decaf.

HILDE: We have Sanka.

(Elaine looks up at Hilde with subtle disbelief)

[Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside where Jerry and George enter.]

GEORGE: I mean, it's not fair. I've been going there for 7 years. She's been there 3 weeks.

JERRY: Not fair.

GEORGE: If anyone should be forced to leave that place, it should be her!

JERRY: She's on your turf.

GEORGE: If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen? I mean I know how to get myself fired.

JERRY: You're the best.

GEORGE: Well ...... but how do I get someone else fired?

JERRY: Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: H-Hey. She's hungry Jerry.

JERRY: Well, there's nothing left. There's no food.

KRAMER: No food? Well you gotta have something -- (rummages through Jerry's cupboards and refrigerator) -- I can't go back in there with no food. She's expecting something Jerry. You don't know what she's like when that blood sugar drops.

HILDE: (from Kramer's apartment) Food!

KRAMER: There, you see. She's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.

JERRY: Why'd she get fired?

KRAMER: Oh, because I called over there a couple of times and the manager didn’t like it.

(Jerry turns quickly and looks at George -- George, sitting on the couch, immediately understands, he picks up the phone with his right hand, points at Jerry with his left arm extended, dials and licks his lips)

[Exterior of the coffee shop the inside where Elaine and Jerry sit at the usual booth.]

ELAINE: So, Simon is definitely going back now. He's meeting me here to return my keys.

JERRY: Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?

ELAINE: Yes. He's one of those bounders.

KELLY: Egg white omelet and Big Salad.

ELAINE: AHhh. Thank you.

KELLY: I just wanted you guys know that Friday's my last day. Bloomingdales ordered a bunch of my clips, thank God, I don't have to do this any more. (turns and walks away)

ELAINE: Ah (hu ha - small laugh)

(Bania walks up to the table)

BANIA: Hey Jerry, where's my suit?

JERRY: I don't have it. You want half my omelet? (holds his omelet plate up to Bania)

MONK'S MANAGER: (on the phone, we assume it's George calling) I told you, she's busy. She can't come to the phone now! (hangs up)

MONK'S MANAGER: You better tell your boyfriend to stop calling here.

KELLY: Oh he's not my boyfriend. It's that bald guy with the glasses, who's always here with them. He's trying to get me in trouble.

(Monk's Manager stands there for a second thinking -- looking at Elaine and Jerry. Both of them have a hand up on the side of their faces. Monk's Manager walks over and puts both hands on the table and leans in)

MONK'S MANAGER: HEY! Yeah. I got a message for you. You tell your friend George, that the next time I see him around here, I’m going to turn him into my Own, Personal, Hand-Puppet.

(Jerry makes a face and silent “Ouoo”)

SIMON: Well, hello. Here you are as promised. You see, I’m a man of my word. (drops keys into Elaine's extended palm)

ELAINE: When are you leaving?

SIMON: Elaine, are you trying to get rid of me? Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but all of a sudden, I've been set up with a job interview that might enable me to extend my visit indefinitely. And it is all due, to this suit. How do I look? I’m a shoe-in aren't I. Thanks again love. (touches the table, turns and walks to the exit)

ELAINE: (turns towards the lunch counter) Hey Kenny. You still want to get that suit back?

BANIA: (leans backwards from the counter) Yeah!

ELAINE: There it goes. (pointing at Simon walking out the door)

BANIA: Hey! Hey! (he runs out the door after Simon; from outside) Come Here You!

(Elaine and Jerry watch as Bania runs out the door after Simon)

SIMON: (from outside Monk's) What are you doing? Unhand me!

BANIA: (from outside Monk's) Take It Off!

(Sounds of struggling is heard from outside; Material rips)

(Elaine and Jerry look at each other, and toast each other by raising their forks in the air. Their mouths are open with the silent Ahhhhh _expression of joy)

[Inside Reggie’s dinner. George sits silently in a booth. A plate of food on the table in front of him. Another patron is at the counter by himself.]

George pours a bit of ketchup onto his plate / food (*Actually we see the end of the bottle, which is supposed to be obscured by some elements on the table -- it does not look like any ketchup comes out of the bottle). He replaces the ketchup bottle cap and sets the bottle down on the table.

He picks up his fork and takes a bite from his plate. Then he picks up a bottle of A1 sauce and pours a bit on his food, replaces the cap and sets the bottle down. Then he picks up (what looks to be) a smaller bottle of Tabasco, pours a bit of it on his food, replaces the cap and sets the bottle in the table caddy on the table.

Then he struggles with something on the table (it's near impossible to distinguish what the item is, as it's a wide shot) -- trying to get the item open, the lid flips into the air and flies over his right shoulder, making a noise as it lands on the ground. Hearing the noise, the man at the counter turns to see what it is and George looks over at him.

The End

S6E8 - The Mom & Pop Store

Broadcast date: November 17, 1994

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jon Voight .......................... Himself

Elsa Raven .......................... Mom

Michael Robello ................... Pop

Bryan Cranston .................. Dr. Tim Whatley

Tom Wright ........................ Mr. Morgan

Ken Thorley  ...................... Car Salesman

Dan Frischman  ................... Guy on Phone

Rick Fitts ............................. Dentist

Nancy Balbirer  .................. Woman at Party

Pat Asanti  .......................... Electrician

Steve Brady ........................ Man at Party

Matt Gallini ......................... Tough Guy

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ........... Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Opening monologue

I like the names they have for cars. Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron. Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's a "limited" edition...what did they make, fifty million of those? "Yes, it's 'limited' to the number we can sell." Or when they try and mangle a positive word into a car name, you know how they'll do that? The "Integra." Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra." Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona"...or you'll be hearing from my "lawya."

[Opening scene - George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.]

CAR SALESMAN: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?

GEORGE: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.

SALESMAN: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.

GEORGE (chuckles): N.I. Not interested.

SALESMAN: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight.

GEORGE (suddenly interested): Jon Voight?

[New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone with Tim Whatley.]

JERRY: Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)

ELAINE: Was that Tim Whatley?

JERRY: Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?

ELAINE: I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.)

JERRY: Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.)

JERRY: Uh - new car!

ELAINE: Ohhh!

JERRY: Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

GEORGE: No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.

ELAINE: A LeBaron?

JERRY: I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.

GEORGE: What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

JERRY: Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.

GEORGE: Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.

ELAINE: Jon Voight? The actor?

GEORGE (boasting): That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.

JERRY: You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?

GEORGE (defensive): No, no...

JERRY: I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.

GEORGE: Alright, maybe I do. So what.

ELAINE: I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.

ELAINE: I like coffee.

GEORGE: I like (imitates Kramer) "cookies."

KRAMER: Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.

GEORGE: Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.

KRAMER: Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.'

JERRY: I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.

KRAMER: Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing.

JERRY: Alright, take 'em.

KRAMER (happily): Yeah-yah.

[New scene - Kramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom and Pop's shoe repair shop.]

POP: Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business.

KRAMER: Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian.

MOM: So many sneakers!

KRAMER: Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.

POP: They'll be ready a week from Thursday.

KRAMER: Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) Uh oh.

MOM: What's the matter?

KRAMER: Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.

MOM: Oh, lie down, and put your head back.

KRAMER: Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom and Pop look up.)

POP: What?

KRAMER (stuffing tissue up his nose): Well, you got wires sticking out every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician.

POP: You know, in the 48 years we've been here, I don't think we've ever called an electrician.

KRAMER: Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute.

[New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio. Mr. Pitt enters.]

MR. PITT: Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes, Mr. Pitt?

MR. PITT: Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet?

ELAINE: No, I'm still working on it.

MR. PITT: What in blazes are you listening to?

ELAINE: Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." (The song ends.)

DJ ON RADIO: That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump."

MR. PITT: Elaine! How did you know that?

ELAINE: Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records.

DJ ON RADIO: Congratulations to our listener Wayne Hopper for identifying it. And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.") There are only three spots left. We're going to take a little break now; when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker.

MR. PITT (to Elaine, excited): Could you identify the next song? Could you? Could you?

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker balloon?

MR. PITT: My father was a stern man. He forbad us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list.

ELAINE: Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. (Turns up the radio.)

DJ ON RADIO: Alright, here we go for the next spot under the balloon. If you know the name of this song, call 555-BAND. (The music starts. Elaine listens intently.)

MR. PITT (impatiently): Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it?

ELAINE: Will you shut up? I can't hear!

MR. PITT: I'm sorry!

ELAINE: Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! (Grabs the phone to call it in.)

MR. PITT (overjoyed): Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and forth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville, Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius!

[New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street toward George's new car.]

GEORGE: You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight.

JERRY: I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it.

GEORGE: What do you mean "might"? You don't think he really owned this car?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight?

JERRY: Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up.

GEORGE: Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.)

JERRY: Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum.

GEORGE: Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes.

JERRY (shuts the car door): Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads back to his apartment. George follows.)

GEORGE (unimpressed): Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.

(Cut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry tosses his gummy sneakers on the floor.)

JERRY: Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.)

GEORGE (singing): Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

JERRY (yelling from his room): Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's all my sneakers?

KRAMER: You said take 'em.

JERRY: Not all of 'em!

KRAMER: Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.

JERRY: Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear?

KRAMER: Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots.

JERRY: I can't wear these!

KRAMER: Well, why not?

JERRY: They're uncomfortable.

KRAMER: C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits down and puts the boots on.)

GEORGE: Where did you get those?

JERRY: I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous!

KRAMER: Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?

JERRY: But I don't wanna be a cowboy!

KRAMER: Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party.

GEORGE: Yeah, I got one too.

KRAMER: Yeah?

JERRY: Oh yeah? Huh.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: No, nothing.

GEORGE: No, what is it?

JERRY: No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one.

GEORGE: You didn't get one?

JERRY: Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited.

KRAMER: Not necessarily.

JERRY: Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party?

GEORGE (mocking Jerry): That's the genius of it.

JERRY (picks up the phone): I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley.

GEORGE (to Kramer): Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles the keys.)

KRAMER (impressed): Boss!

[New scene - Mom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring in the ceiling of the shop.]

POP: Four thousand dollars? We can't afford that!

ELECTRICIAN: Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it, because it's in violation of the building code. Otherwise, they're gonna close you up.

POP: But what if we can't pay for it?

ELECTRICIAN: Then I have to report you. Otherwise, I lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.)

POP: 48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! All because of that idiot and his bloody nose! (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed.

(Pop glares at Kramer angrily.)

[New scene - George and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George is humming the tune to "Everybody's Talkin.'"]

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: C'mon, put the top up, it's November!

GEORGE: I feel alive, Jerry.

JERRY: Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil.

GEORGE: Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil!

JERRY: With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.

GEORGE: Ah! See? I told ya.

JERRY: Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?

GEORGE (pulls over): So, what are you saying?

JERRY: Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)

GEORGE (angrily): Get out of the car!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole experience for me!

JERRY (sarcastically): Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!

GEORGE: Get out!

JERRY: And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!

GEORGE: Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.)

TOUGH GUY (threatingly): Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry slips and slides in his cowboy boots and runs away.) Yeah, you better run!

[New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: Did they take anything?

JERRY: No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots.

GEORGE: Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.

JERRY: You really seemed to enjoy it.

GEORGE: It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.

JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, that's possible.

GEORGE: How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal.

JERRY (to Elaine): He'll dispose of it.

GEORGE: Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.)

ELAINE: So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.

JERRY: Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?

ELAINE: Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...

JERRY: Yeah...

ELAINE: And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?"

JERRY: So...?

ELAINE: Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?"

JERRY: Alright, but let me ask you this question.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring."

ELAINE: I think he emphasized "would."

JERRY: You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, so where's my sneakers?

KRAMER: That's what I wanna know.

JERRY: What do you mean?

KRAMER: Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.

JERRY: So all my sneakers are gone?

KRAMER: I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids.

JERRY: Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!

KRAMER: It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big time.

ELAINE (amused): So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers.

KRAMER: Apparently.

ELAINE: Alright, that's enough of this.

JERRY: Where ya goin'?

ELAINE: I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade.

JERRY: Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

ELAINE: He finds his laugh "intoxicating." (Laughs like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.)

[New scene - George in a meeting at Yankee stadium.]

MR. MORGAN: So George, what kind of promotional events are we talking about?

GEORGE: Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.

MR. MORGAN: Jon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza.

GEORGE: I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back.

[New scene - Elaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other contest winners.]

CONTEST WINNER (to Elaine): I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues." What'd you guess?

ELAINE: Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes?

CONTEST WINNER: After the music. (The band starts playing directly behind Elaine. She is deafened by the loudness of the horns.)

[New scene - Kramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed.]

KRAMER: Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.)

VOIGHT: Taxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi.

KRAMER: Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)

[New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: No Jon Voight Day, huh?

GEORGE: No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts?

JERRY: Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.

GEORGE: You should have somebody take a look at that.

JERRY: I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving.

GEORGE: You going to the party?

JERRY: No, I don't know if I'm invited.

GEORGE: Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there.

JERRY: Yeah, you're right.

GEORGE: You don't want to suffer with this all weekend.

JERRY: Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together.

GEORGE: Maybe I'll just meet you there.

JERRY: You don't want to go with me?

GEORGE: Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?

JERRY: The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet?

KRAMER: No. (To George) But I did run into somebody you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor?

GEORGE: Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him?

KRAMER: Well, he was a little standoffish.

GEORGE: What, you didn't ask him about the car?

KRAMER: No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: His tooth marks. He bit me.

GEORGE: Jon Voight bit you?

JERRY: Well, what is he, a vampire?

KRAMER: No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet.

GEORGE (looking at Kramer's arm): He left perfect imprints.

KRAMER: That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car!

JERRY: Oh, please.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.

JERRY: No, it's stupid.

GEORGE: Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks.

JERRY: So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm.

GEORGE: It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.)

JERRY: So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?

KRAMER: Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some...party-crasher.

[New scene - Tim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner, then slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep a low profile.]

JERRY (under his breath, to a man at the party): Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you a dentist?

Cut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window.

GEORGE: These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker.

KRAMER: You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?

GEORGE: Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?

KRAMER: That's right. He's a troublemaker.

(Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs into Jerry.)

JERRY: Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?

ELAINE: What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim?

JERRY (pointing at the trophy): What is that, the Empire State Building?

ELAINE: What? I can't hear you.

JERRY: Elaine, would you marry me?

ELAINE: I told you, I can't hear a word.

JERRY: Alright. Forget it.

(Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.)

GEORGE: Hey, Tim.

TIM: Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They shake hands.)

GEORGE: Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know you're busy here.

TIM: No, it's no problem, what is it?

GEORGE: Let me show you something, take a look at this... (Another guy at the party interrupts.)

GUY: Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.'

TIM: Alright, let me take down your number. (Grabs George's pencil, then notices Jerry sitting on the couch.) Is that Jerry Seinfeld?

KRAMER: He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over to Jerry.)

GEORGE: Uh, Tim, the pencil...

TIM: Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Tim.

TIM: Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.

JERRY: Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show"? (Elaine comes over.)

TIM: Elaine! Hi!

ELAINE: Tim.

TIM: Well. I'm really glad you came.

ELAINE: What?

TIM: Really glad you came.

ELAINE (deaf): Uh huh.

TIM (picks up a bowl of nuts): Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you...would you like to go out with me New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim is offering her a nut, and shakes her head no. Tim, rejected, walks away.) Thanks.

ELAINE (puzzled): What? What?

(Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.)

GEORGE: Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil?

DENTIST: It's possible.

GEORGE (to Kramer): Roll up your sleeve.

DENTIST: Somebody bit you?

KRAMER: Not just someone. Jon Voight.

DENTIST: Jon Voight bit you? (George notices Tim across the room with the pencil in his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey! Get the pencil out of your mouth, you're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks!

TIM: That's John Voight's pencil?

GEORGE: That's right. I got his whole car downstairs.

TIM: Are you the one who bought his LeBaron convertible?

GEORGE (overjoyed to find out): Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know Jon Voight!

TIM: Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with him.

GEORGE: Jon Voight, the actor?

TIM: No. The periodontist. (George snaps the pencil in two.)

(Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the party to look at his chipped tooth.)

DENTIST: Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office.

JERRY: Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.

DENTIST: Alright. Sit down.

JERRY (sits down): It's this one here in the back. (Tilts his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows to look.)

KRAMER: Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!

TIM (to Jerry): Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're a troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon blows in the window.)

[New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV.]

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air. In fact, he's collapsing.

KRAMER: Those kids look pretty disappointed.

JERRY: Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello?

GUY ON PHONE: Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?

JERRY: Yes it is.

GUY ON PHONE: You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened. I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.

JERRY: Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers!

KRAMER: Where are they?

JERRY: Parsippany, New Jersey.

KRAMER: Let's go!

JERRY: My car's in the shop.

KRAMER: Well, how are we getting to Parsippany?

(Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus, en route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.)

KRAMER: Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again.

JERRY (wipes Kramer's brow): Maybe we should get you to a hospital.

KRAMER (a la Ratso Rizzo in Midnight Cowboy): Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here.

(Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" begins to play as they continue on to Jersey, in a send-up of Midnight Cowboy that has to be seen to be appreciated.)

The end

S6E9 - The Secretary

Broadcast date: December 8, 1994

Written by Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross

Directed by David Owen Trainor

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Vicki Lewis  ......................... Ada (The Secretary)

Joseph R. Sicari .................... Willie

Arminae Azarian ................. Saleswoman

Mitzi McCall ......................... Donna

Richard Marion .................... Guy

Thomas Mills ........................ Moviegoer

Glynis McCants  ................... Woman

Courtney Taylor  ................. Attractive Applicant

rc:  Steve Hytner .................. Kenny Bania

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about fur? Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear. To me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top of their head? You know I’m sure there's a moose looking at that going, “Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I’m gonna turn my back on this goof ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there. I’ll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees.”

[Exterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George are talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off to be dry cleaned.]

GEORGE: Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.

JERRY: That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.

GEORGE: Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.

JERRY: From your mother.

(George & Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few customers leave the store.)

JERRY: So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the “Spokes model” category?

GEORGE: Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I’ll never get any work done. So I’m doing a complete 360. I’m going for total efficiency and ability.

JERRY: That's a 180, George.

GEORGE: Whatever.

(Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about the lobby area)

JERRY: Hi Willie.

WILLIE: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage.

WILLIE: What are you doing with it?

JERRY: Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida.

DONNA: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

WILLIE: Hey Jerry, you know my wife “Donna”.

JERRY: Yeah, that's why I said “hi”.

(Donna smiles and walks away)

WILLIE: Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket)

JERRY: Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.

WILLIE: Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very flattering.

JERRY: Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line.

[Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza’s office where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his secretary job.]

APPLICANT: Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I’m completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.

GEORGE: (looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I’m looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So ah, I’m afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in.

(the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another even more attractive woman is seated there)

GEORGE: You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry. (both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)

(A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george)

ADE: As you can see my references are impeccable. I think I’d be a real asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. So will there be any late nights?

GEORGE: I can't imagine.

[Exterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine is holding a garment bag and talking with Jerry.]

ELAINE: Ok, So Barney’s is having this huge sale. I try this dress on -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I’m carrying twins.

JERRY: So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy.

ELAINE: Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it.

JERRY: I thought we were going to the movies?

ELAINE: All right I’ll try it on again. You tell me what you think. (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)

(George Enters)

GEORGE: Hey hey.

ELAINE: Hey George

GEORGE: Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I’m telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didn’t have one before.

JERRY: Because you didn’t have a job?

GEORGE: Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade.

JERRY: A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the “dish” and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.

(Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress, arms extended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look on her face that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards George and Jerry)

JERRY: It's a little ...

ELAINE: All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there.

JERRY: You got no waist in that thing.

GEORGE: You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.

ELAINE: I said, All Right.

GEORGE: Well wha’d you buy it for?

ELAINE: Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barney’s, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e") Moore in Indecent Proposal.

JERRY: How fast was she walking?

(Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns and looks at Jerry)

GEORGE: Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e")? I thought it was Demi?

JERRY: No. I think it's Demi. (the "i" sounds like an "e")

GEORGE: Really? I never heard of a semi (the "i" sounds like an "e") tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods in agreement)

(Elaine walks back in, still in the dress)

ELAINE: Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Skinny Mirrors! Barney’s has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.

JERRY: Oh, you're crazy.

ELAINE: Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney’s?

GEORGE: (to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she might have something there.

(Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches backwards)

KRAMER: Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?

ELAINE: Oh I’m returning this dress to Barney’s.

KRAMER: Good idea.

JERRY: Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.

ELAINE: Yeah yeah, ok.

KRAMER: Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva.

ELAINE: Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.

KRAMER: No no, look. I’ll tell you what -- they're having a sale right.

ELAINE: yeah.

KRAMER: I’ll meetcha down there, well have lunch.

ELAINE: Well we could ...

KRAMER: Well, we’ll get to know each other. We never get to spend any time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief)

[Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza’s office, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new secretary takes down notes as to what George is saying.]

GEORGE: And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, play the Angels. So let’s clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.

ADE: Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container of chinese food from the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.

GEORGE: Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george laughs)

ADE: OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.

GEORGE: Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... efficient.

ADE: Well thank you, I’m flattered.

GEORGE: I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization.

ADE: Well I’m just, hm, doing my job.

GEORGE: It's like I’m thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) one step ahead of me.

ADE: What can I say? I’m ... I’m good at what I do. (smiling and quietly laughing proudly)

GEORGE: (coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I’m ... thinking about now?

ADE: (thinking about the question, she stops writing) Yes, I think I do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)

GEORGE: Is it, uh, doable?

ADE: It's definitely doable.

(Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with her glasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face and throws them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss and slither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the camera cannot see them on the floor)

[Outside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited the theater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other movie goers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there is a line of people waiting to buy tickets for the next show.]

JERRY: Well, that was the worst.

ELAINE: I can’t believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on gloves) Gimme a break.

MAN: (waiting in line for tickets, he overhears Elaine) Hey, give us a break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!

Another man: (waiting in line, closer to the box office) Yeah! (in agreement with the other guy)

(Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry)

KRAMER: You got a pen?

JERRY: Yeah, I think I do.

KRAMER: And I need something to write on.

JERRY: Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.

KRAMER: I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma.

JERRY: Uma Therman? Really?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: How'd you manage that.

KRAMER: Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater)

JERRY: He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?

ELAINE: Where?

JERRY: He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket.

ELAINE: What would he be doing wearing your jacket?

JERRY: It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it.

ELAINE: Are you sure?

(Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully)

KRAMER: I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket)

ELAINE: You are amazing.

KRAMER: Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera)

[Exterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza’s office. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and undress while kissing.]

ADE: Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.

GEORGE: Ade you are incredible

(as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again -- the camera cannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over George's desk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade’s shoe in the air above the desk)

ADE: Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me that pillow.

(we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs a pillow from the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down to her on the ground)

GEORGE: What? Oh, My God!

ADE: Mr. CO STAN ZA!

GEORGE: Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I’m giving you a raise!

[Exterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and Jerry are sitting in the normal booth.]

JERRY: So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out “I’m giving you a raise.”

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give raises?

GEORGE: Not that I’m aware of, no.

JERRY: So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.

GEORGE: I didn’t think ahead.

JERRY: Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.

GEORGE: I didn’t say any other bawdy things.

JERRY: Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.

GEORGE: All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.

(they stand up from their seats at the booth)

JERRY: All right, all right. I’m sorry.

GEORGE: Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenner’s office and tell him he has to give her a raise.

JERRY: How long has she been there?

GEORGE: 3 days.

JERRY: It's almost a week.

(Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in their dry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George and Jerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the register, Jerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out a movie stub)

JERRY: Oh, My god.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.

[Exterior shot of Barney’s department store, street scene with store windows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney’s sales associate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda is the name of the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room area. Elaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning.]

ELAINE: These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: Well, we're more than happy to exchange it for something else.

ELAINE: OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the direction of the elevator)

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: I’ll bring it to your dressing room.

ELAINE: Ok thanks so much. (the Barney’s sales associate turns and walks away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What are you all dressed up for?

KRAMER: Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the, swank.

ELAINE: I like your little bag.

KRAMER: Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.

ELAINE: Huh.

(Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm)

KRAMER: Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.

(Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters the clothing dept.)

BANIA: Hey Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, is putting moisturizer under his eyes)

BANIA: I’m looking for a new suit. I can’t find anything I like. That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer’s suit)

KRAMER: Well, thank you.

BANIA: Did you get that here?

KRAMER: No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore.

BANIA: You're telling me.

KRAMER: I sure am.

BANIA: It's hard for me to find pants that --

KRAMER: (interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted.

BANIA: Yes

KRAMER: Me too.

BANIA: What size are you?

KRAMER: Uh, 42.

BANIA: 42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, I’m huge. How'd you like to sell it?

KRAMER: make me an offer.

BANIA: 100 Bucks

KRAMER: Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)

BANIA: 175

KRAMER: Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This is old world craftsmanship.

BANIA: 300 dollars.

KRAMER: Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.

BANIA: You throw the shirt in?

KRAMER: Bania, you're killing me.

BANIA: Hey that's the women's dressing room.

KRAMER: There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before.

[Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George Steinbrenner’s office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner, looking towards the door.]

GEORGE: (Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?

STEINBRENNER: Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of course you can -- I’m a very accessible man. I just wanted to say you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.

GEORGE: Well, you know, to be honest sir -- my, my new secretary Ade, came up with that one.

STEINBRENNER: Ade, Ade, I like that name George.

GEORGE: She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room)

STEINBRENNER: Is that a fact George?

GEORGE: Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards Steinbrenner’s desk)

STEINBRENNER: I had a bout of that myself one time -- knocked me right on my ass.

GEORGE: She can’t even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.

STEINBRENNER: What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter? ($2.25)

GEORGE: You know what I was just thinking -- she could really use a raise.

(Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver)

STEINBRENNER: You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, ah, George will you excuse me.

[Daylight exterior shot of Barney’s department store windows, with traffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room -- she is almost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress. Kramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's -- we see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over the top of Elaine's’ dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her.]

KRAMER: Psst. Hey.

(Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly covered from the dress she is putting on)

ELAINE: Kramer, what are you doing here?

KRAMER: Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred.

ELAINE: So go buy a new one.

KRAMER: What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin.

ELAINE: So.

KRAMER: Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, tell him to bring me some clothes.

ELAINE: Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door)

[Exterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior -- Jerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with her dry-cleaning.]

JERRY: Hello, Willie.

WILLIE: Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?

JERRY: No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?

WILLIE: You came by to ask that?

JERRY: Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie?

WILLIE: What are you gettin at?

JERRY: I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket.

WILLIE: Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner’s code.

JERRY: You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples’ clothes

WILLIE: I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international symbol for “insane”)

JERRY: Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter)

WILLIE: Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- I’ll be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too.

WILLIE: Jerry, come on.

JERRY: Now.

WILLIE: Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left -- he is thinking about his wife Donna)

(Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand, eating a hot dog)

JERRY: Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket)

WILLIE: Well ... ahh. (apprehensively)

JERRY: Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.

WILLIE: Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the coat?

JERRY: No, not on me.

WILLIE: Well, I, I need to see that ticket.

JERRY: Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket.

WILLIE: Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are huge. You can’t, get anything without a number.

JERRY: All right, I’ll be back.

[Elaine inside Barney’s, she stands in front of a full length mirror. The sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress.]

ELAINE: Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean?

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: So, uh, do you want it?

ELAINE: I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.

(Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and walks out of the clothing dept.)

[Daytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza’s office.]

ADE: I can’t thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. I’m so grateful

GEORGE: Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn’t get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a circular motion to his right)

ADE: It was just so generous.

GEORGE: Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's got plenty of money. (spins his chair away from her)

ADE: Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.

GEORGE: (spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year raise.

ADE: Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...

GEORGE: You're making more than I am.

ADE: I am?

GEORGE: What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary cannot make more than her boss.

ADE: Well apparently they can.

[Elaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the sidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious she is cold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's window, then stops at the Love, Health & Beauty Aids store, where the reflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store.]

ELAINE: Oh, this is insanity. I’m not this hippie. (meaning her hips are not that large)

(a man exits the store)

ELAINE: Hey, what do you think of this?

MAN: (with disbelief): You'll never pull it off.

[Barney’s Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer knocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry.]

FEMALE CUSTOMER: Hey, what's going on in there?

(Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.)

JERRY: (to the Barney’s sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?

(Female customer walks up to the Barney’s sales associate that Jerry was just talking to)

FEMALE CUSTOMER: This woman has been in there for over an hour.

(The Barney’s sales associate walks into the dressing room area and up to the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry)

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: Excuse me Miss., Is everything ok in there?

KRAMER: [Yeah] (through the door)

(Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door)

JERRY: Kramer?

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?

JERRY: What clothes?

KRAMER: Didn’t Elaine call you?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Well what are you doing here?

JERRY: What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.

KRAMER: Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants

JERRY: Where are your pants?

KRAMER: Well, I sold them to Bania.

JERRY: What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in.

(Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer is standing there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt)

JERRY: Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?

KRAMER: ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman’s number written on that stub. I lost Uma’s number.

JERRY: Where are your clothes?

KRAMER: I told you I sold them to Bania.

JERRY: You mean what you were wearing?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: How'd you expect to get out of here?

KRAMER: Well, I didn’t think ahead.

(Elaine reenters the Barney’s clothing dept., rubbing her arms because he is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the dressing rooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register counter and tries to act like she has been there for a while.)

ELAINE: This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me something else.

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: No.

ELAINE: No?

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: No, because you're taking that one.

ELAINE: I am?

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: Yes. Because you wore it out of the store.

ELAINE: Ha! That's preposterous.

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.

(Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain)

BARNEY'S SALES ASSOCIATE: Shall I wrap it or will you wear it out?

ELAINE: No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?

JERRY: [Elaine]

ELAINE: Jerry?

(Bania enters the dressing room area)

BANIA: Elaine, where's Kramer?

KRAMER: Bania?

BANIA: Kramer.

JERRY: I’m going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside)

BANIA: Jerry.

JERRY: Bania.

BANIA: Kramer, I want my money back for this suit. You're nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined.

KRAMER: Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here.

JERRY: (to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room)

KRAMER: Uma’s number is on that ticket.

JERRY: Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?

KRAMER: I’m not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.

JERRY: I got an idea.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: I can’t believe I’m gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)

JERRY: Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going?

BANIA: Pretty good.

JERRY: Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, I’m in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.

BANIA: Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.

BANIA: Can we go back to Mendy’s?

JERRY: You want to go to Mendy’s, I’ll take you to Mendy’s.

BANIA: Twice? I wanna go twice.

JERRY: all right let’s be reasonable, Bania. I’m taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal.

BANIA: Two Mendy’s.

JERRY: . . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket.

BANIA: Here you go.

JERRY: Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room)

[Exterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George Steinbrenner’s office. George Costanza stands pleading his case.]

GEORGE: But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.

STEINBRENNER: Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.

(George starts to back away from the desk)

STEINBRENNER: I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well not that I was ever one for the sweets.

(George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking slowly towards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually to full arms extended upwards)

STEINBRENNER: Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I just can’t even make up my mind. A lot of times I’ll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.

[Jerry stands outside the Barney’s dressing room door that Kramer is waiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door.]

JERRY: Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket)

KRAMER: (closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma’s number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.

JERRY: (Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.

KRAMER: (grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts.

JERRY: (grabs the ticket back) Give me that.

(Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while Bania is walking towards the exit of the clothing dept.)

JERRY: Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)

BANIA: (looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying to get out of Mendy’s? you can’t do that.

JERRY: The ticket is worthless.

BANIA: You promised me.

(Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out of the deal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department. Jerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room area. She has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm to try on)

JERRY: Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?

(Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own clothes. The Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches as Jerry follows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in front of the door where she went into, listens for a half second and then pushes the door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it yet -- It is Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and taken aback ...)

DONNA: No it's not. (the coat)

JERRY: It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back.

DONNA: No, what are you talking about.

(The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door, so all you see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as Jerry takes the coat from her.)

DONNA: Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ...

JERRY: You can’t have that coat, it's not yours.

(Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level as she walks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap over her Left shoulder)

JERRY: What do you think the dry-cleaner’s is your own personal closet!

(Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register counter)

Continuity Error -- as she walks up to Elaine, Donna is now holding her long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it to her left hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse hangs below her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap over her shoulder as she left the dressing room area walking away from Jerry.

ELAINE: Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this?

(Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out)

DONNA: Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece of cake. Bring it

in. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it?

ELAINE: (Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of

Donna's question)

[The camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk outside.]

L-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above their heads in the background is a sign that reads “KalSigns” -- I believe this is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a sign company.

Kramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously too small for his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes down to his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white socks. He looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold.

Elaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin Klein dress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands in the pockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had on earlier in the store.

Kramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or close up the coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As the scene ends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see his white boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but earlier he had on boxers in the dressing room)

[The camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot of Mendy’s Restaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at a table.]

BANIA: Mmm. This soup is great.

JERRY: Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)

BANIA: I told you Mendy’s had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it?

JERRY: Yeah. I’m having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't)

BANIA: Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand --

JERRY: (Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it.

BANIA: Yeah. Well, let’s hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. I’m meeting a woman for a drink.

JERRY: Oh, and who might that be?

BANIA: Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the air)

[Closing Monologue]

JERRY: If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I’m telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I’m sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.

The end

S6E10 - The Race

Broadcast date: December 15, 1994

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Todd Kimsey ................................ Ned

Renee Props .................................. Lois

Don R. McManus .......................... Duncan

Vicki Lewis  .................................. Ada

Claude Earl Jones ......................... Mr. Bevilaqua

Mark Christopher Lawrence ........ Boss

Michael Sorich  ............................. Castro

Denise Poirier  .............................. Arlene

Spencer Klein ................................ Kid

Martin Chow  ............................... Lew

Eva Svensson  ............................... Woman

rc: Danny Woodburn .................... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning and go, "Oh my god, there's a tree inside the house! Just throw it anywhere!

[Lois's office]

JERRY: Ready to go Lois?

LOIS: You really like to say my name? Don't you?

JERRY: Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois.

LOIS: Oh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry.

DUNCAN: Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY: Duncan Meyers!

LOIS: You two know each other?

DUNCAN: Yeah! We uh, went to High School together. Didn't we Jerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot of work left to do.

LOIS: Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up?

JERRY: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois.

[Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: No, no This is all wrong. Where's the Chicken Cashew?

LEW: You no order Chicken Cashew.

ELAINE: I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this.

LEW: Fine Benes. We are putting you on our list.

ELAINE: What list?

LEW: The "do not deliver" list.

ELAINE: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess we'll just go out.

GEORGE: Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily Worker?

ELAINE: Ned must have left it here.

GEORGE: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?

ELAINE: HE reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.

GEORGE: Maybe he's just "very well RED"?

ELAINE: Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me?

GEORGE: Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive colored clothing?

ELAINE: Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little drab.

GEORGE: Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. "Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.

(Jerry enters)

JERRY: Hi oh.

ELAINE & GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: Where's Lois?

JERRY: She couldn't make it.

GEORGE: I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.

JERRY: I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers.

GEORGE: Duncan Meyers?

ELAINE: Who's he?

JERRY: Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet.

ELAINE: Uh uh

JERRY: I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . .

ELAINE: What's that?

JERRY: Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher.

ELAINE: Oh, of course.

JERRY: He was down at the other end. So he yells out, "Ready, On your mark, Get set, " and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody.

ELAINE: No.

GEORGE: I looked up. I couldn't believe it.

JERRY: By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.

ELAINE: Well what happened when you raced him again?

JERRY: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.

ELAINE: So now Duncan is back?

JERRY: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man that's some tart cider!

[In Jerry's Car - Lois gets in]

LOIS:Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

LOIS: Sorry I missed the Chinese food.

JERRY: Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?

LOIS: He's okay.

JERRY: He say anything?

LOIS: About what?

JERRY: Oh, nothing in particular.

LOIS: . . . Why did you cheat in that race?

JERRY: I did not cheat.

LOIS: He said that you got a head start.

JERRY: Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second.

LOIS: Really?

JERRY: Yes

LOIS: So you WERE the fastest kid in school.

JERRY: Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.

[Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: So how was work? Another day, another dollar?

NED: I guess.

ELAINE: Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks. . . . money money money money money money money . . . ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist?

NED: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

ELAINE: OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything .

NED: Yeah, well, we still got China, and Cuba,

ELAINE: Yeah, but come on . . .

NED: I know it's not the same.

ELAINE: Well, you had a good run, what was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous.

NED: Yeah, we had a good run.

ELAINE: Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses) ha ha uh ha

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So you lied to her?

JERRY: I couldn’t tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that

head start.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Well, I'm dating a communist.

JERRY: Wow, a communist. That's something.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?

GEORGE: Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker?

JERRY: The Daily Worker has personal ads?

GEORGE: And they say appearance is not important.

JERRY: Yours or hers?

(Kramer enters dressed as Santa)

KRAMER: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas.

JERRY: Wow, look at you. So you got the job.

KRAMER: Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store.

ELAINE: Oh, congratulations

(Mickey enters)

MICKEY: Come on get your bead on. We're going to be late.

KRAMER: On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.

MICKEY: Not Donna, it's Donner.

KRAMER: Donna!

MICKEY: Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.

JERRY: Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye.

GEORGE: What's up?

JERRY: Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me.

GEORGE: He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story.

JERRY: That's not bad.

GEORGE: Not bad? It's gorgeous!

[Coleman's Department Store]

KRAMER: Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess, tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy.

MOM: She doesn't speak English (with a Swedish accent).

KRAMER: Santa speaks the language of all children. A notchie watchie dotchie do.

(Child cries and reaches for her mom)

KRAMER: A dotchie cotchie dochie,

KRAMER: Het, Mickey when do we get a break? My lap is killing me.

MICKEY: There is no break.

KRAMER: A sweat shop.

(Elaine and commie enter)

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey.

(Kid sits on Kramer's lap and they both slide to the floor)

[Yankee Stadium]

ADA: Natalie on line 2.

GEORGE: Natalie?

ADA: From the Daily Worker.

GEORGE: Thank you.

(ADA leaves but listens at the door)

GEORGE: Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a business office but I'm not a business man per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system.

[Coleman's Department Store]

ILENE: Elaine.

ELAINE: Ilene.

ILENE: Hi.

ELAINE: Hello.

ILENE: Doing a little Christmas shopping?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a communist.

ILENE: Oh, really?

ELAINE: Yep . . . a big communist, a big big communist.

ILENE: Oh, well, it's awfully nice to see you. See you later.

ELAINE: Bye bye

ELAINE: Hey, listen while we're here why don't we do a little shirt shopping?

NED: Out of the question.

ELAINE: Um. Kramer!

KRAMER: Hi

ELAINE: Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned

KRAMER: Oh, hey, hi buddy.

ELAINE: You guys stay here, I'll be right back.

KRAMER: Eight hours of jingle belling and ho ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.

NED: Anyone who works here is a sap.

(Mickey attacks Ned)

MICKEY: Watch it!

KRAMER: Woah, woah, come on.

NED: You understand the Santa's at Bloomfields are making double what you are?

KRAMER: Double?

NED: I bet the beard itches doesn't it?

KRAMER: You got that straight.

NED: So when you get a rash all over your face in January do you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan?

MICKEY: Look, you take that commie crap out into the street.

NED: Kramer, I've got some literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking.

KRAMER: Talk to me baby.

MICKEY: Don't listen to him Kramer, you've got a good job here.

[Monks]

DUNCAN: But there's no way you could have beaten me by that much. I already beaten you in Junior High School three times.

JERRY: I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race?

(George enters)

DUNCAN: That's what I've always wondered about.

JERRY: Well, I . . . [sees George]

GEORGE: Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry!

JERRY: I'm sorry, uh,

GEORGE: George, George Costanza!

JERRY: Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High.

GEORGE: Yes yes yes This is unbelievable.

DUNCAN: Hi, George

GEORGE: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years?

JERRY: This is Lois.

LOIS: Hello.

GEORGE: So what have you been doing with yourself?

JERRY: I'm I'm a comedian.

GEORGE: Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice?" this kind of stuff.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah

GEORGE: It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah.

JERRY: You really used to have a think full head of hair.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one.

JERRY: yeah, yeah.

LOIS: What do you do?

GEORGE: I'm an architect.

LOIS: Have you designed any buildings in New York?

GEORGE: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?

LOIS: You did that?

GEORGE: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.

JERRY: Well you've really built yourself up into something.

GEORGE: Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.

JERRY: Well, one cannot help[ but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this.

GEORGE: Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.

JERRY: Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas?

GEORGE: You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again.

JERRY: George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long.

GEORGE: Ha, uh,

JERRY: I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race.

GEORGE: Oh, the big race.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yes, yes,.

LOIS: You were there?

GEORGE: Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.

DUNCAN: Miss Stafford?

GEORGE: Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .

JERRY: George!

GEORGE: But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone.

JERRY: Did I get a head start?

GEORGE: Head start, oh no absolutely not.

JERRY: You satisfied? So you see?

DUNCAN: No, I'm still not convinced and I never will be.

LOIS:Why don't the two of you just race again?

DUNCAN: That's a good idea.

JERRY: No, no, no, another race - out of the question.

DUNCAN: I know, you've been saying that for twenty years because you know you can't beat me. You couldn't beat me then and you can't beat me now.

LOIS: Race him Jerry. Race him.

JERRY: All right! I'll do it. The race is on.

[Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: . . . shut up! (?)

JERRY: And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus

[Street]

KRAMER: Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

MICKEY: What does that mean?

KRAMER: Well, if you've got needs and abilities that's a pretty good combination.

MICKEY: So what if I want to open up a delicatessen?

KRAMER: There are no delicatessens under Communism.

MICKEY: Why not?

KRAMER: Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got Pastrami and Corned Beef in one class and Salami and Bologna in another. That's not right.

MICKEY: So you can't get Corned Beef?

KRAMER: Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe.

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: (on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office.

JERRY: So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. You just called the woman for a date.

(Phone rings)

JERRY: Hello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run!

[Elaine's Apartment]

NED: I'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy.

ELAINE: Just because you're a communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous. Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist?

NED: All right, I'll try it on.

ELAINE: I'm going to order Chinese Food.

NED: You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right?

ELAINE: Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's. I kind of had a fight with him.

NED: Elaine, when my father was black listed he couldn't work for years. He and his friends used to sit at Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive.

ELAINE: You're father was blacklisted?

NED: Yes he was, and you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. They "named names".

ELAINE: Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.

LEW: I know that address. You're Benes, right. You're on our list. No more delivery.

ELAINE: No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.

LEW: Oh, yeah. What's the name?

ELAINE: Why do you need the name? You already have the address.

LEW: We need a name. Give us a name.

ELAINE: Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.

[Coleman's Department Store]

KID: I want a racing car set.

KRAMER: Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it at triple the cost.

KID: But I want a racing car set.

KRAMER: You see kid, you're being bamboozaled. These capatalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.

KID: Hey, this guy's a COMMIE!

MICKEY: Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh?

KID: Commie, Commie, Commie . . . (unknown) .

MICKEY: Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa!

STORE MANAGER: Is there a problem here?

KRAMER: ho ho ho ho.

KID: This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda.

STORE MANAGER: Oh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're through. The both of ya'

MICKEY: I got two kids in college.

KRAMER: You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus.

STORE MANAGER: Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here.

[Jerry's Car]

JERRY: Hi how are you?

LOIS: . . . Fine.

JERRY: What's the matter?

LOIS: I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me.

JERRY: What? He can't do that.

LOIS: Yes he can. He controls the means of production. What are you going to do Jerry?

JERRY: Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something.

[Elaine's Apartment]

LEW: Ah, I knew it was you! You tried to trick Hop Sing! You are onour list; Elaine Benes! And now you are on our list; Ned Isakoff.

NED: You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's?

LEW: She named name!

[Steinbrenner's Office]

GEORGE: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNER: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist.

GEORGE: C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.

STEINBRENNER: You know George, it struck me today me that a Communistpipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be thegreatest thing ever to happen to this organization.

GEORGE: Sir?

STEINBRENNER: You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at; something Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown to Havana right away.

GEORGE: Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best.

STEINBRENNER: Good, Merry Christmas George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro, I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown, almost like a milky coffee. (George exits) I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters which I don't really understand that well...

[On the Street]

MICKEY: That was quick! Nice job, Santa!

KRAMER: Yeah,

MICKEY: I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble.

KRAMER: Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue.

MICKEY: Communism, You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee.

KRAMER: I guess I screwed up!

MICKEY: You sure did. Big time.

[Street - race begins]

ELAINE: How do you feel?

JERRY: I need a miracle.

DUNCAN: Now you're going to see what kind of liar you're mixed up with.

LOIS: If he beats you I want a big raise.

DUNCAN: If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks.

KRAMER: I parked in front of that restaurant . As soon as this race is over I got to go to the airport.

GEORGE: Okay, all right, all right.

MR. BEVILACQUA: You ready boys?

JERRY: Yes, Mr. Beviacqua

MR. BEVILACQUA: Okay, this is hoiw it works. You take your marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK - GET SET - and then fire. You got it?

DUNCAN & JERRY: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua.

(Kramer enters his car)

(Mr. Bevilacqua raises gun)

MR. BEVILACQUA: READY - ON YOUR MARK

(Kramer's car backfires)

(Jerry is off early and wins the race - the crowd goes crazy - )

LOIS:So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?

JERRY: Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.

(Jerry winks at camera like in the Superman movie)

[Havana]

(George enters Castro's office (like Steinbrenner))

GEORGE: You wanted to see me, El Presidente?

CASTRO: Si, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure out) Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?

GEORGE: Si, si.

CASTRO: Ordinarily I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?

GEORGE: Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.

CASTRO: Well good, then you can have your pick.

GEORGE: Oh, oh!

CASTRO: They will play for your Yankees.

GEORGE: Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy.

CASTRO: And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there and, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.

The End

S6E11 - The Switch

Broadcast date: January 5, 1995

Written by Bruce Kirschbaum and Sam Kass

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Sheree North ................................ Babs Kramer

Gail Strickland ............................... Landis

Charlotte Lewis ............................ Nina

Jann Karam ................................... Sandi

Terry Sweeney ............................. Keith

Heather Medway  ........................ Laura

Clive Rosengren ............................ Mr. Clotworthy

Jacqueline M. Houston ................. Lorraine

Cheryl Francis Harrington ........... Waitress

Tish Smiley ................................... Woman

rc: Wayne Knight ......................... Newman

==================================================================

[Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club]

JERRY: Come on. Lets go

ELAINE: No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.

JERRY: What's it doin here?

ELAINE: He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up

LANDIS: Hello

ELAINE: Oh, Hi.

LANDIS: Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a position a couple of months ago.

ELAINE: Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle)

LANDIS: I was watching you play

ELAINE: Oh, I'm not very good.

LANDIS: No. You exhibited a lot of grace out there.

ELAINE: Really? Grace?

LANDIS: Yes. So have you found anything yet?

ELAINE: Uh, no. Not really.

LANDIS: You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?

JERRY: Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.

ELAINE: Newman plays tennis?

JERRY: He's fantastic.

LANDIS: Would you mind if I tried this out?

ELAINE: Uh, no ... take it.

LANDIS: How will you get it back?

ELAINE: Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow.

LANDIS: That's so generous of you.

ELAINE: Thanks

JERRY: You loaned her Pitt's racquet?

ELAINE: What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.

SANDY: I gotta get going.

JERRY: Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net.

SANDY: (nods silently)

ELAINE: Bye

JERRY: Bye bye

ELAINE: Have you noticed she never laughs

JERRY: Hm, really?

ELAINE: Yeah

[Kramer and George on street]

GEORGE: Check that out (showing newspaper)

KRAMER: Whoa, you're dating this woman?

GEORGE: That's right.

KRAMER: George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti

GEORGE: What's that.

KRAMER: Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal.

GEORGE: And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. I don't know how she does it.

KRAMER: Maybe she's bulimic

GEORGE: Wa?

KRAMER: Bulimic,

GEORGE: Kramer, she's a model.

KRAMER: Exactly

GEORGE: I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after we finish eating.

KRAMER: There you go monkey boy.

[Pepperdella's Restaurant]

NINA: Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry?

GEORGE: Just enjoying watching you.

[Other restaurant]

SANDY: So did you like the movie?

JERRY: Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket.

SANDY: (nods silently)

JERRY: Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.

SANDY: (nods silently) That's funny.

JERRY: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Pepperdella's Restaurant]

NINA: Oh, I'm so full.

GEORGE: Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work.

NINA: Will you excuse me.

GEORGE: Where you going?

NINA: I just need to freshen up.

GEORGE: You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.

NINA: George I need to freshen., George, George, George ...

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman.

ELAINE: See, what did I tell ya?

JERRY: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!

ELAINE: Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.

JERRY: I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something!

ELAINE: (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Well, I heard a noise.

JERRY: What noise?

GEORGE: You know, .. blah ...

JERRY: What blah?

GEORGE: From the bathroom.

JERRY: Oh, you think she was refunding?

GEORGE: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom.

ELAINE: So you're concerned.

GEORGE: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.

JERRY: In a manner of speaking.

GEORGE: Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Here's your scrubber back.

JERRY: Thanks.

GEORGE: Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room.

JERRY: A matron?

GEORGE: Yeah

(Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking)

JERRY: uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).

GEORGE: Wha?

KRAMER: Nothin'

GEORGE: You know a matron?

KRAMER: Me?

GEORGE: You

KRAMER: No.

GEORGE: Kramer,

KRAMER: Well, now look, just leave me alone.

GEORGE: Well, what is it?

KRAMER: No, don't, don't make me

GEORGE: Wha?

KRAMER: No, I can't, all right I can't ...

GEORGE: Who?

KRAMER: ... My mother's a matron!

ELAINE: Babs?

KRAMER: Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you want to know?

GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.

KRAMER: Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.

GEORGE: Why not? Why not?

KRAMER: let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.

GEORGE: Come on, Kramer.

KRAMER: I can't I can't

JERRY: Kramer you're going to have to face her some time

KRAMER: (mumbles) b'd b'd

[Doubleday offices]

ELAINE: Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened?

LANDIS: I tore my umeral epicondilitist

ELAINE: Oh

LANDIS: My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again.

ELAINE: Oh, you'll be playing ...

LANDIS: If I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do.

ELAINE: There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong,

LANDIS: You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ...

ELAINE: ... and biking and ..

LANDIS: What am I going to do?

ELAINE: ... hiking ...

LANDIS: (wimpers)

ELAINE: (sees racquet) Could I ...

LANDIS: If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries)

ELAINE: (sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis

[Restaurant Woman's Powder Room]

(Kramer and George enter)

KRAMER: Ma?

BABS: Cosmo!

GEORGE: Cosmo?

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Why didn't you just ask her for it?

ELAINE: I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again

(Buzzer)

JERRY: Yeah

GEORGE: Hey di ho

JERRY: C'mon up.

JERRY: So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?

ELAINE: augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy

JERRY: He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?

ELAINE: He'll only play with his racquet

JERRY: Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?

ELAINE: That's stealing?

JERRY: Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!

ELAINE: I know.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey oh.

ELAINE: JERRY: Hey

JERRY: So what happened with Kramer's mother?

GEORGE: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.

JERRY: What's she like?

GEORGE: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.

ELAINE: Ah, I'm ready what?

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I uh got the first name.

ELAINE: You found out Kramer's first name?

GEORGE: That's right. You ready?

JERRY: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo

(- all laugh - )

ELAINE: Cosmo, Cosmo?

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: What's so funny? ... wha?

ELAINE: COSMO?

KRAMER: All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.

JERRY; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.

ELAINE: It's not such a bad name.

KRAMER: Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

[Sandy's apartment]

LAURA: Yes?

JERRY: Hi, is Sandy here?

LAURA: Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in?

JERRY: I would except I forgot to bring a towel.

LAURA: (laughs nicely)

[Monks]

(Jerry starts.)

JERRY: So the roommate laughed at everything I said.

GEORGE: Wow.

JERRY: It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse "ha's." You know those?

GEORGE: Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.

JERRY: And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.

GEORGE: I see.

JERRY: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.

GEORGE: Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.

JERRY: Can't be done, huh?

GEORGE: The Switch?

JERRY: "The Switch."

GEORGE: Can't be done.

JERRY: I wonder.

GEORGE: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

JERRY: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.

JERRY: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

GEORGE: All right, dammit, I'm in.

JERRY: I couldn't do it without you.

GEORGE: All right. Let's get to work.

(Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.)

GEORGE: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.

JERRY: Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!

GEORGE: We'll come up with something.

JERRY: Yeah, sure we will.

GEORGE: All right. See you tomorrow. (George sighs, exits.)

(Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.)

GEORGE: I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!

("third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.))

GEORGE: All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.

JERRY: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her and her roommate.

GEORGE: That's right.

JERRY: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

GEORGE: Keep going.

JERRY: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

GEORGE: Continue.

JERRY: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.

(George takes over.)

GEORGE: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.

JERRY: Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.

(Another pregnant pause. George?)

GEORGE: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem."

(Final pause. Jerry?)

JERRY: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.

GEORGE: (George, finger in the peanut butter jar): This is what I do.

[Doubleday]

(Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.)

KEITH: Can I help you?

ELAINE: Uh, no, I'm OK.

KEITH: Well then what are you doing with that racquet?

ELAINE: Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it.

KEITH: Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no..

ELAINE: No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet.

KEITH: Look sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing here. But...

ELAINE: All right. I'm going I'm going

KEITH: Not with ...

ELAINE: Give it give it ..

KEITH: Leave ...

ELAINE: All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to Miss. Landis do you?

KEITH: I don't have to but I will.

[Street]

(Babs and Kramer)

CLOTWORTHY: Morning Cosmo

KRAMER: Hi Mr. Clotworthy

CLOTWORTHY: How are you today?

KRAMER: Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.

LANDIS: Hi Cosmo

KRAMER: My mom Babs.

LANDIS: Hi Mrs. Kramer

BABS: Lorraine

KRAMER: Yes, It's a fine day

VOICE: (Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo?

KRAMER: Hey, everything my man.

[Sandy's apartment]

SANDY: What:

JERRY: You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.

SANDY: Oooo, that is a wild idea

JERRY: Uh?

[Monks]

(Kramer and Babs)

KRAMER: You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job.

BABS: Yes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell do you think I'm going to do with myself?

KRAMER: Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean?

BABS: I've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together?

KRAMER: I've got plenty of ideas.

BABS: I've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want you to call that place today and tell then tha you're through.

BABS: All right. I'll do it.

[Restaurant]

(George and Nina)

NINA: Mmmm mm so good.

GEORGE: ... so glad.

NINA: Will you excuse me I've got to freshen up.

GEORGE: And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh

WOMAN: I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.

WAITRESS: Care to see our dessert menu?

GEORGE: Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?

WAITRESS: Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.

GEORGE: Babs left?

WAITRESS: She quit today.

(George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds. George enters woman's bathroom)

GEORGE: Ah Ha.

NINA: What are you doing here George?

GEORGE: I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert.

(Nina leaves - woman exits stall)

GEORGE: How 'ya feelin'?

[Street]

(Newman and Bab)

BABS: Hi Newman

NEWMAN: Hi Babs

BABS: What are you doin'

NEWMAN: Minding my own business.

BABS: You'll never get into trouble that way.

NEWMAN: What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble?

BABS: From what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far.

NEWMAN: ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of finding you. Cigarette?

BABS: Don't mind if I do.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer... Jerry opens his door.)

JERRY: Hey

(George enters)

GEORGE: What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face.

JERRY: Ah, that's a shame.

GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGE: So what happened?

JERRY: She's into it.

GEORGE: Into what?

JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.

JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGE: I know.

(Elaine enters)

JERRY: Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?

ELAINE: No, I got caught.

JERRY: What do you mean you got caught?

ELAINE: Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.

JERRY: I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet.

ELAINE: Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hi Cosmo.

ELAINE: Hi Cosmo

KRAMER: Thanks man.

JERRY: Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?

KRAMER: Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.

JERRY: Hum, but you've got the key to his place right?

KRAMER: Yeah

JERRY: Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.

KRAMER: All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's

GEORGE: Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me out to dry.

KRAMER: She quit.

GEORGE: It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you could have said something. That's all.

(Trying to enter Newman's apartment)

KRAMER: Don't talk to me George, talk to her.

GEORGE: Well where is she?

KRAMER: I don't know.

(They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.)

KRAMER: Ma!

BABS: Cosmo!

NEWMAN: We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?

The End

S6E12 - The Label Maker

Broadcast date: January 19, 1995

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bryan Cranston ................... Dr. Tim Whatley

Jessica Tuck ......................... Bonnie

Cleto Augusto ..................... Scott

Wayne Grace ...................... Ukranian

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify.  Because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it.  You know what I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.  Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him.  This is the same human being in a different shirt, they hate him now.  Boo!  different shirt!!  Boo.

[Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart.]

JERRY:  You sure you don't want the tickets?

GEORGE:  No thanks.

JERRY:  I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.

GEORGE:  I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game.

JERRY:  I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party.

GEORGE:  Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

JERRY:  Maybe he didn't know?

GEORGE:  Lemme see.  I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets)  Row F?!

JERRY:  Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.

GEORGE:  Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?

JERRY:  I asked.  Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.

GEORGE:  Wish I could help you.

JERRY:  Come on, take them.  You could take Bonnie.

GEORGE:  You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?

JERRY:  What do you think?

GEORGE:  So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars.  Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.

JERRY:  Yeah, sleeping arrangements.  So, you haven't, uh...

GEORGE:   Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet.  Tomorrow night's the first night.

JERRY:  Aah.

GEORGE:  Hey, is that Tim Whatley?

JERRY:  The Dentist?

GEORGE:  Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party?

JERRY:  Oh, no.  I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it.

GEORGE:  Oh good.

JERRY:  Yeah, I blamed it on you.  Hi Tim.

TIM:  Hey Jerry!  George.  What are you up to?

JERRY:  Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.

GEORGE:  I'm getting a makeover.

JERRY:  Hey.  How would you like to go to the Super Bowl?

TIM:  What, are you kidding?

JERRY:  Here.  Two tickets.  Have a good time.

TIM:  How can I think you?  I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime.  You ever been to Mendys?

JERRY:  No no no.  No dinner.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.]

JERRY:  Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift.  I know, it's a label maker.  The Label Baby Junior.  Yeah, I hear they're good.  Well, label me thankful.  Okay, well you enjoy those tickets.  Buh-bye.

(Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door.)

JERRY:  Come in.

(More pounding.  Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying a board game.)

KRAMER:  Where can I put this?

JERRY:  What is it?

KRAMER:  It's Risk, Jerry.  The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down)  Alright, that's perfect.

(Newman walks in.)

JERRY:  Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman)  Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN:  Hello, Jerry.  Will he take it?  I gotta go to work.

JERRY:  Take what?

KRAMER:  The board, Jerry.  We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go.

JERRY:  So why don't you leave it at Newman's?

NEWMAN:  I wanted to, he won't let me.

KRAMER:  We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.

JERRY:  So that's here?

KRAMER:  Yes, yes.  You're like Switzerland.

JERRY:  I don't wanna be Switzerland.

KRAMER:  Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination.  It's winner take all.  People cannot be trusted.

NEWMAN:  Don't look at me.

KRAMER:  Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

JERRY:  Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out.

KRAMER:  Alright, so you're gonna look after it?

JERRY:  Yeah, yeah.

KRAMER:  Stay strong buddy.

JERRY:  Yeah.

KRAMER: Watch it good.

JERRY:  Ok.

(Kramer leaves, Elaine enters.)

ELAINE:  Hey.

JERRY:  Hey.

ELAINE:  Hey.  Oh, is that a label maker?

JERRY:  Yes it is.  I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior.

ELAINE:  Love the Label Baby, baby.  You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.

JERRY:  Tim Whatley?

ELAINE:  Yeah.  Who sent you that one?

JERRY:  One Tim Whatley!

ELAINE:  Not, my Tim Whatley?

JERRY:  The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.

ELAINE:  I think this is the same one I gave him.  He recycled this gift.  He's a regifter!

JERRY:  Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing.  Perhaps it's an homage.

ELAINE:  Yeah, perhaps.

JERRY:  Well how did he react when you gave it to him?

ELAINE:  Um, he said, "Oh.  A label maker.  Howbout that?"

JERRY:  He repeated the name of the gift?

ELAINE:  Yeah, so?

JERRY:  Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.

ELAINE:  What do you mean?

JERRY:  Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks."  What are you gonna do about it?

ELAINE:  I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.

JERRY:  Why'd you get him a gift anyway?

ELAINE:  Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.

JERRY:  Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm alarge.

[George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment.]

BONNIE:  Well, here we are.  This is the place.

GEORGE:  Wow.

BONNIE:  Do you like it?

GEORGE:  I love it!  This is fantastic!  Look at this couch, is this velvet?!

BONNIE:  Are you a velvet fan?

GEORGE:  A fan?  I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors!

BONNIE:  Aren't they great? (sees a man enter from the bedroom)  Oh, Scott, hi. This is George.  George, this is Scott, my roommate.

(Scott walks into the kitchen.)

GEORGE: (bewildered)  Heh heh.

BONNIE:  Here, check out this view.  If you lean out this window, you can see the river.

(Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back to the bedroom.)

GEORGE:  So Scott's your roommate, huh?

BONNIE:  Yes.  Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.

GEORGE:  No, you didn't mention it.

BONNIE:  He's a great guy, you'll really like him.

GEORGE:  I'm sure I will.

[George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY:  Male roommate, huh?

GEORGE:  Yes.  A male roommate.

JERRY:  Is this a problem?

GEORGE:  It's a huge problem, Jerry.  The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place!  He's already got that.

JERRY:  Well, maybe he's --

GEORGE:  No.  Believe me, he's not.

JERRY:  So he's an eligible receiver.

GEORGE:  She's confiding in him about our dates.  You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date!  It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'

JERRY:  What's stopping them?

GEORGE:  Exactly!  You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.

JERRY:  What does he look like?

GEORGE:  Oh, that's the worst part of it.  He looks just like me.

JERRY:  He looks like you and he's working from the inside?

GEORGE:  I look like me and I'm working from the outside.  Who do you think is in the better position?

JERRY:  Not you.

GEORGE:  Ho ho.  This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end!

JERRY:  We'll take a check please.

GEORGE: I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment.  It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet.  You know, if it were socially acceptable--

JERRY:  I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.

GEORGE:  I've said that before?

JERRY:  Many times.  You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet.

KRAMER: (entering)  Hey.

GEORGE:  Hey.

JERRY:  Hey.

KRAMER:  Guess what?  I saw Newman talking to the super.

JERRY:  So what?

KRAMER:  The super has keys to your apartment.  Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.

JERRY:  Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.

KRAMER:  Yeah, alright, fine.  You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world.  But he'd be a horrible leader.  And you know who's gonna suffer?  The little people; you and George.

JERRY:  Are you through?

KRAMER:  Oh.  I talked to Arthur Jobanian.  Yeah, the Drake's wedding?  That's off.

JERRY:  The wedding is off?  What happened?

KRAMER:  The Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl.  So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and phlf it's over.

[Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE:  The wedding is off.  Now you can go to the Super Bowl.

JERRY:  I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.

GEORGE:  You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period.

JERRY:  Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?  There's no grace period.

GEORGE:  Well, didn't he regift the label maker?

JERRY:  Possibly.

GEORGE:  Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift?

JERRY:  You may have a point.

GEORGE:  I have a point, I have a point.

JERRY:  Alright, I'll call him.

GEORGE:  Yeah.  What's that?

JERRY:  Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials)  Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you?  Well it turns out I can use them.  Oh, you do?  I understand.  Okay.  Bye.  He already made plans, he can't change them.

GEORGE: (eating a pickle)  Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them.

JERRY:  Thanks.

GEORGE:  Alright, I gotta go.  I'm heading over to Bonnie's.

JERRY:  What are you gonna do about the roommate?

GEORGE:  I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him.  It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick.

JERRY:  Well, the pickle breath is a good start.

(George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming the door on him.)

NEWMAN:  Hello Jerry, may I come in?

JERRY:  What do you want?

NEWMAN: (squeezing himself through the narrow space)  Nothing, just being neighborly.  Do you wanna hang out?  Shoot the breeze?

JERRY:  I'm not letting you cheat, Newman.  You're not getting anywhere near that board.

NEWMAN:  Jerry?  I'm a little insulted.

JERRY:  You're not a little anything, Newman.  So just pack it up and move it out of here.

NEWMAN: (leaving)  Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?

JERRY:  I dunno, watch it on TV I guess.  Why?

NEWMAN:  Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me.  I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.

JERRY:  You're going to the Super Bowl?

NEWMAN:  Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.

JERRY:  What's his name?

NEWMAN:  Tim Whatley.

JERRY:  That's my ticket!

NEWMAN:  Is it?!  Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me!  Ha ha ha.

JERRY: (as Newman leaves)  Newman!

[George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's]

GEORGE:  What a movie.  Good choice.

BONNIE:  Thank Scott.  He recommended it.

GEORGE:  Oh, Scott, Scott.  He's really great, isn't he?

BONNIE:  Yes he is.

GEORGE:  Yes he is.  Let me ask you something.  When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?

BONNIE:  George?

GEORGE:  Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?

BONNIE:  George, you're being ridiculous.

GEORGE:  What's the massage situation?

BONNIE:  What do you mean?

GEORGE:  Is there any work being done?  Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?

BONNIE:  George, would you just stop?

GEORGE:  Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit?  I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?

BONNIE:  George, what is wrong with you?

GEORGE:  I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate!  It's unnatural, it's an abomination!

(Scott enters.)

SCOTT:  Hey!

GEORGE:  Hey!

SCOTT:  How ya going?

GEORGE:  I'm good.

SCOTT: (to Bonnie) Are you gonna need the bathroom?  'Cause I'm gonna jump in the shower.

BONNIE:  No, just throw my bras out of the way.

[Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street.]

TIM:  Well, this is my building.

ELAINE:  Yes it is.

TIM:  This was fun, you know?

ELAINE:  Yeah.

TIM:  So, I'll call.

ELAINE:  Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?

TIM:  Upstairs?  You wanna go upstairs?

ELAINE:  I would love to go upstairs.

TIM:  Elaine, you are something else.  No one can ever put a label on you, huh?

ELAINE:  We'll see.

[Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop.]

JERRY:  Newman.  He's going with Newman.

GEORGE:  How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?

JERRY:  Newman's his mailman.

GEORGE:  Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!

JERRY:  Who goes anywhere with Newman?!

GEORGE:  Well, he's merry.

JERRY:  He is merry, I'll give him that.  (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for?

GEORGE:  I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.

JERRY:  Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE:  Hey, guess what?  I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.

JERRY:  What?

ELAINE:  We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket.

JERRY:  What about the label maker?

ELAINE:  Ah, well.

JERRY:  Wait a minute, that's my ticket!  You didn't even want to go.

ELAINE:  It was totally out of the blue.  We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker.

JERRY:  So, how did you get up there?  Did you say you had to use the bathroom?

ELAINE:  No.

JERRY:  Then how'd you get up there?

ELAINE:  I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

GEORGE:  And there's you ticket.

ELAINE:  What?

JERRY:  That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.

ELAINE:  Why?

JERRY:  You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West?  Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.

ELAINE:  You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown?

JERRY:  Obviously.

ELAINE:  You're crazy.

GEORGE:  Well, what happened when you got upstairs?

ELAINE:  As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave.  I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker.

JERRY:  Yeah, well I don't trust this guy.  I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.

[Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door.  Kramer walks out of his apartment.]

KRAMER:  Hey.

JERRY:  Hey.  What are you doing?

KRAMER:  I'm watching your door.

JERRY:  My door?

KRAMER:   Yeah, from my peephole.  Fisheye, sees all.

(Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment.  Newman sneaks out from the bedroom towards the table where the Risk board is sitting.  He accidentally knocks some CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise.)

JERRY: (still outside)  What was that?

KRAMER:  Newman!

(Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time to change the board pieces.)

NEWMAN: (fleeing to the bedroom)  Damn!

JERRY: (after entering)  The bedroom!

(Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing out the open window and up the fire escape.  Jerry and Kramer rush to the window.)

JERRY:  I see you, Newman!  I see you!

KRAMER:  I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!

[Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab.]

ELAINE:  I've got a confession to make.

TIM:  Oh?  What's that?

ELAINE:  I've got Super Bowl fever.

TIM:  Oh yeah, me too.

ELAINE:  So where are we staying?

TIM:  Oh, the Ambassador.

ELAINE:  Oh.  Big room?

TIM:  It's a regular room, but it's right downtown.

ELAINE:  Downtown?

TIM:  Right downtown.

ELAINE:  What do they have there, a couple of beds?

TIM:  Why?  You bringing someone else?

ELAINE:  No, but don't you think there should be two beds?  There's two of us.

(Tim's grin disappears.)

[George enters Bonnie's apartment.]

BONNIE:  Oh, a cactus.

GEORGE:  They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom.

(They share a laugh.  Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard box.  He places it on a stack of similar boxes.)

SCOTT:  Well, look who's here.

BONNIE:  I asked Scott to move out.

GEORGE:  Oh.  Oh!

[George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.  Kramer and Newman are seated at the Risk board on the living room table.]

JERRY:  So she kicked him out of the apartment.

GEORGE:  That's right.  It's just me and her.

JERRY:  Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you.

GEORGE:  I guess she did.  He's gone, now I'm the man.

JERRY:  That's not a good role for you.

GEORGE:  No, it's not.

JERRY:  You unwittingly made a major commitment.  That's a lot of pressure.

GEORGE:  Oh my god.

JERRY:  You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried.

GEORGE:  I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.

JERRY:  He was shouldering.

GEORGE: (walking towards the door)  I couldn't leave well enough alone?!

JERRY:  Where are you going?

GEORGE:  I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.

JERRY:  Oh, well here.  Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again.

GEORGE:  Thanks.

KRAMER: (rolling the dice) Yeah.  I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

JERRY:  So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman?

NEWMAN:  Yeah.  I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.

JERRY: (walking out)  Thanks for having me over, guys.

[Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running up.]

JERRY:  Alright, I'll see you later.

TIM:  Hey Jerry?

JERRY:  Ah, Tim Whatley.  Out scalping?

TIM:  Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel horrible.  Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.

JERRY:  Are you serious, what about Elaine?

TIM: Oh, Elaine.  Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would.

JERRY:  Oh.  (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck)  Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up)  Hey, Cosmo!!  They're towing your car!!

KRAMER: (running to the window)  What?!  Not my car!!  Hey!!  They're towing my car!!

(Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk board, but only for a moment.  He runs back in and grabs the board.)

NEWMAN:  What are you doing?

KRAMER:  I'm taking the board with me.

(Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later.)

(Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver is just taking off. Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing the game board with Newman at his heels.)

TIM:  So, I guess I'll see you at the game.

JERRY:  Yeah, see you there.

[George walks into Bonnie's apartment, everything is boxed up and Bonnie is taping up the last of the boxes.  He knocks to get her attention.]

BONNIE:  Hi, George.

GEORGE:  What, what happened?  Where's, where's all the stuff?

BONNIE:  It's gone.  It was all his.  Is this a label maker?

GEORGE:  The table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet?

BONNIE:  They were his.  Besides, we don't need any of those things.  We have each other.

[Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on their laps.]

NEWMAN:  Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?

KRAMER:  Oh, stop stalling.  Come on.

NEWMAN:  I can't think, there's all this noise.

KRAMER:  Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland?  I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.

NEWMAN:  I'm not beaten yet.  I still have armies in the Ukraine.

(This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian immigrant.)

KRAMER:  Ha ha, the Ukraine.  Do you know what the Ukraine is?  It's a sitting duck.  A road apple, Newman.  The Ukraine is weak.  It's feeble.  I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

UKRAINIAN:  I come from Ukraine.  You not say Ukraine weak.

KRAMER:  Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.

UKRAINIAN:  Ukraine is game to you?!  Howbout I take your little board and smash it!!

(The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending army pieces flying.)

[Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the door.]

ELAINE:  Hello, Tim.

TIM: (startled)  Elaine, hi.

ELAINE:  Don't worry, Tim.  I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by for that at all.  I just came by to pick up my label maker.  I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back.

TIM:  But you gave it to me.

ELAINE:  But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl.  Hand it over, Whatley.

TIM:  Uh, ok.

ELAINE:  You don't have the label maker, do you?

TIM:  Uh, no.

ELAINE:  I knew it!  You're a regifter!

TIM:  Oh, yeah, some gift.  That thing didn't work at all.

ELAINE:  What?

TIM:  You put a label on something, then ten minutes later it would peel right off.  It was the worst gift I ever got.

ELAINE: (visibly upset)  Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work.  The way you worked on my filling, you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.

TIM:  Oh, Elaine!

(They embrace passionately.)

[First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck.  Boxes are being jostled. A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street address is shown. The labels fall off the box, one by one.]

[First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium.  Jerry is walking down the aisle.]

JERRY:  H... G... F.  Seat four.  One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman.

NEWMAN:  Hello, Jerry.  Tim couldn't make it, he's in love.  Isn't that wonderful?

JERRY:  Oh, it's enchanting.

[George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch the game.]

BONNIE:  Hi.

GEORGE:  Here's the TV.  I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl.  Do you at least have some towels we could sit on?  It's, like, a four hour game.

BONNIE:  George, Scott's gonna drop by.  He said he never got his boxes.  I'll get the towels.

GEORGE: (internally)  How am I gonna get out of this?  Think Costanza, think!

BONNIE:  Here we are.

GEORGE:  Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.

BONNIE:  What is it?

GEORGE:  Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's Ménage à Trois?

BONNIE:  What?

(Just then, Scott enters.)

SCOTT:  Hi.

BONNIE:  Scott!  Remember what we talked about the other day?  George is into it.

SCOTT:  Oh really?!

(Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up of an increasingly horrified George, and freezes.)

[Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl]

NEWMAN:  Great streak of luck I'm having.  First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.

JERRY:  Can you move over at all?!

NEWMAN:  And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels.  No labels, Jerry.  You know what that means?  Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.

JERRY:  An inch!  Can you move over an inch?!?

The End

S6E13 - The Scofflaw

Broadcast date: January 26, 1995

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Marty Rackham ................... Jake Jarmel

Barbara Alyn Woods .......... Debby

Ivory Ocean ........................ Officer Morgan

Basil Hoffman ...................... Salesman

Lillian Lehman ..................... Judge

Jon Lovitz ........................... Gary Fogel

Danny Breen ....................... Guy With Glasses

Bob Shaw ............................ Cabbie

Dale Harimoto ..................... Reporter

Joe Ochman ......................... Customer

Elisabeth Sjoli ....................... Woman

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: Richard Fancy ................. Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The big new accessory with eyeglasses, seems to be that strap, that connects in the back so you can take 'em on and off. Which I don't get, because I thought, if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses? 'You need glasses', isn't that what they say? I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would you care for some glasses?' When people have crutches, they don't have like a little chain attached to their belt, so they can just let go of 'em every now and then. Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for when you're water-skiing, the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne wig with hand)

[Street]

(George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him.)

GARY: Hey George.

GEORGE: Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been? I've been leaving you phone messages for months.

GARY: I know. I've been pretty busy.

GEORGE: Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're all busy, everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?

GARY: Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see you.

[Different Street]

(A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer is about to cross the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray of litter is tossed from its window and lands near Kramer.)

KRAMER: (to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig!

(The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so, the car he is ticketing starts up and speeds away.)

COP: (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!

(Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: So you called the cop a pig?

KRAMER: I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.

JERRY: Didn't you explain that to the cop?

KRAMER: No, I fled the scene.

(George enters. He looks disquieted.)

JERRY: (to George) Hey.

KRAMER: (to George) Hey buddy.

GEORGE: Hey, uh...

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately.

KRAMER: Oh. What about?

GEORGE: Kramer...

KRAMER: Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh?

(Kramer grabs George in a headlock.)

GEORGE: Hey, you're hurting me!

KRAMER: You gonna share it with me next time, huh?

GEORGE: I swear, I swear!

KRAMER: Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it.

(He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes the door slowly and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it finally shuts completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed.)

GEORGE: Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.

JERRY: Oh yeah, I knew.

GEORGE: You knew? How did you know?

JERRY: He told me a few months ago.

GEORGE: Why did he tell you and not me?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: How are you closer to him than me?

(Jerry shrugs.)

GEORGE: So, is he okay?

JERRY: Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though.

GEORGE: Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?

JERRY: No, he was on his regular bed.

GEORGE: So why didn't you tell me?

JERRY: He swore me to secrecy.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: It's not like you're my wife.

GEORGE: Well, I still think you shoulda told me.

JERRY: Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick.

GEORGE: Well, I wanna talk to him about this.

JERRY: That's right, you let him have it.

GEORGE: Mmm-mm.

JERRY: Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?

GEORGE: That's what I'm saying.

JERRY: His illness is your business.

GEORGE: If not mine, whose?

JERRY: If not now, when?

(The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has just ceased.)

ELAINE: Were you just talking about me?

GEORGE: No, an old friend of ours, Gary.

ELAINE: Oh, the guy with cancer?

GEORGE: (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife!

JERRY: If I told you, you woulda given it away.

GEORGE: You don't think I can keep a secret?

JERRY: No, but he would've read your face.

GEORGE: You don't trust my poker face?

JERRY: Do you ever win at poker?

GEORGE: (shamefaced) No.

(Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine.)

KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.

ELAINE: Egh, Jake Jarmel?

KRAMER: Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those.

ELAINE: Why? You don't wear glasses.

KRAMER: I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating.

GEORGE: I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.

KRAMER: Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get in touch with this guy?

ELAINE: Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens.

KRAMER: Ah.

ELAINE: You know, we had a really bad break-up.

JERRY: The Jujy Fruits?

ELAINE: (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.

[Waldenbooks]

(A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake Jarmel, who sits at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer is having his copy signed.)

JAKE: Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book.

KRAMER: Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those eyeglass frames?

JAKE: I can't tell you that.

KRAMER: So you don't know where you got 'em?

JAKE: Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else to have them.

KRAMER: Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)

[Monk's]

(George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is an attractive woman sitting in the corner, reading a book.)

GEORGE: Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody.

GARY: Really?

GEORGE: Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads. Never talks to anybody.

GARY: Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said to say hi.

GEORGE: (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me.

GARY: Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. You know, you'd get two pair, the whole table knows.

GEORGE: Well I still think it was wrong.

GARY: Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I guess I was just thinking of myself.

GEORGE: (well, obviously) Yes.

[Another street]

(Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop.)

KRAMER: ...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman. I wanted to be a policeman.

COP: Yeah? So why didn't you?

KRAMER: Scared of being shot.

COP: Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine was never paid, and since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give me the slip time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's become my 'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to you, I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again!

KRAMER: I like that eye patch.

[Monks']

GEORGE: (standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's up. Can't park in this city.

GARY: (standing) Hey, George, listen. You know that company I work for, they own that parking lot around the corner.

GEORGE: Wha, that's a Kinney lot?

GARY: Yeah, and there's a space opening up, and I could get it for you. You just have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.

GEORGE: Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks.

GARY: All right, I got lunch, all right.

GEORGE: You still owe me a secret.

GARY: All right, listen. There is something I haven't told you, all right?

GEORGE: Yeah?

GARY: Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.

GEORGE: What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

GARY: Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie.

GEORGE: Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours?

GARY: Well, I (laughs) I never actually had cancer. (laughs) I'll see you. (leaves)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer and Elaine are talking, Jerry reads a magazine.)

ELAINE: So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses?

KRAMER: (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves his legs)

ELAINE: Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's legs) You know, he has to be the only one who has 'em.

KRAMER: Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door to leave) Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.

ELAINE: What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You told Jake I said hi?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?

JERRY: I never heard her say hi.

KRAMER: Well, it's uh, common courtesy.

ELAINE: No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.

JERRY: It's like a game of tag.

(Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave.)

JERRY: Where you going?

ELAINE: Nowhere.

JERRY: You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you?

ELAINE: So what if I do? (heads for the door)

KRAMER: (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!

(George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door behind him.)

JERRY: Hey. How'd it go with Gary?

GEORGE: (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat)

JERRY: (suspicious) Really?

GEORGE: (shifty) Yeah.

JERRY: You look like something's on your mind.

GEORGE: No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)

JERRY: So, that's your poker face.

GEORGE: My regular face.

JERRY: No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it.

GEORGE: What are you saying?

JERRY: All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George)

GEORGE: I got nothing.

JERRY: What you got, a pair of bullets?

GEORGE: What you talking about?

JERRY: Two pair? Three of a kind?

GEORGE: Will you stop it?

JERRY: Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush!

GEORGE: I don't have a flush.

JERRY: A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got!

GEORGE: (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer!

[Waldenbooks]

(Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking to him. There are other people queuing behind her.)

ELAINE: So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me. When in fact it was an unauthorised hi.

JAKE: You're saying you didn't say hi.

ELAINE: That's what I'm saying.

JAKE: So that's what you came down here to tell me?

ELAINE: Correct.

JAKE: You never said hi?

ELAINE: Correct.

JAKE: You still like me, don't you?

ELAINE: Correct. (catches herself) What's that?

MAN: Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day.

ELAINE: (takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?

JAKE: Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi is more of a gesture than if you did say hi.

ELAINE: Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh...

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.

JERRY: So what was wrong with him?

GEORGE: Nothing!

JERRY: So he's been lying to me for two months?!

GEORGE: That's right.

JERRY: What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you.

GEORGE: Well...

JERRY: I don't even think you could do it.

GEORGE: Oh, I could do it.

JERRY: Yeah, I guess you could.

GEORGE: (snorts) C'mon.

JERRY: Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?

GEORGE: You did that?

JERRY: Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone)

GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take phone from Jerry)

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE: (puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.

JERRY: So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.

GEORGE: Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't start acting any differently. You have to be nice.

JERRY: Why didn't he tell me?

GEORGE: Because you were being so nice.

JERRY: I don't think I can be that nice.

GEORGE: (shouts) You be nice!

(George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk away from each other.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take as he see him sitting in a booth, wearing a wig.)

JERRY: Gary?

GARY: What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions, turning his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)

JERRY: Is that from my gift certificate?

GARY: Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been so nice. (shakes Jerry by the hand)

JERRY: (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage.

GARY: Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.

JERRY: I don't think so.

GARY: Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look.

(Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears George's words from earlier.)

GEORGE (V.O.): You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes) parking space... parking space...

(Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about it.)

GARY: (peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're loaded.

JERRY: Okay. (shuts mouth)

GARY: Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out, Jack! (rises)

(Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's.)

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey buddy.

JERRY: Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?

KRAMER: It's an eyepatch.

JERRY: You look like a pirate.

KRAMER: I wanna be a pirate.

JERRY: (gesturing) This is Gary.

KRAMER: (to Gary) How you doing?

GARY: All right.

(Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired vision, he misses by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up to restore his depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the 'girl who never talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat.)

KRAMER: Well, I tell you there's only one problem.

(Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under the table. He upsets plates and glasses.)

JERRY: Can't see on your right side?

KRAMER: No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy

[George's car]

DEBBY: Nice car.

GEORGE: Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.

DEBBY: So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that?

GEORGE: Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi.

DEBBY: I didn't say hi.

GEORGE: You didn't?

DEBBY: Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi.

GEORGE: Regards?

DEBBY: Yeah, regards.

[Cab]

ELAINE: Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness?

CABBIE: (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good quality.

ELAINE: (looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there. I think he's wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the car. (hands money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.

CABBIE: Good. Revenge is very good.

[Street]

(Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical spectacles to Mr Jarmel.)

ELAINE: (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up to guy) Excuse me, sir. Sir?

GUY: Yes?

ELAINE: Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got your glasses?

GUY: Malaysia.

ELAINE: Malaysia?

GUY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you?

GUY: Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.

ELAINE: (positive) Oh! (little chuckle)

GUY: But I, I can barely see without these.

ELAINE: C'mon.

GUY: Well, these were expensive.

ELAINE: Let's start the bidding.

[George's car]

GEORGE: So, you didn't think this was a date?

DEBBY: N... no, not really. Why, is it... a date?

GEORGE: I thought it was a date.

DEBBY: No. It's not a date.

GEORGE: What about the regards?

DEBBY: Regards don't mean anything. I mean, it's not like I said hi. Hey, the fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.

GEORGE: No, tell me.

DEBBY: Can you keep a secret?

GEORGE: Me? Oh yeah.

DEBBY: (deep breath) I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick. But, h... he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective on life. I... I fell in love with him.

GEORGE: Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Kramer in their booth.)

JERRY: Hey, do you know what the Whip does?

KRAMER: What whip?

JERRY: The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.

KRAMER: Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds imaginary whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)

(Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'.)

GARY: She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word to anybody. Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!

[Street]

(The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge.)

COP: Well, well. The 'white whale'.

(He moves in for the kill.)

[George's car]

GEORGE: (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park around here. I don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.

DEBBY: Don't complain, at least you have your health.

[Street]

The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about. It's clear he

can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the road.

[George's car]

DEBBY: George, look out for that man!

[Monk's]

(The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed immediately by the crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out to investigate.)

[Street]

(The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst writing a ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals away, passing Kramer as he emerges from Monk's.)

COP: (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back here!

KRAMER: (looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale!

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?

JERRY: Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would you do that?

GEORGE: No. Definitely not.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

JERRY: And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.

GEORGE: The one who always sits by herself?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: How did he do that?

JERRY: Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.

GEORGE: Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has all this perspective!

JERRY: She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective?

GEORGE: (opening door to leave) He picked her up?

JERRY: Walked right over to her table.

GEORGE: Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes the resulting fallout off his jacket)

[Waldenbooks]

(Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine skips past the queue.)

ELAINE: Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought) Aaw, see, you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.

JAKE: Where did you get those?

ELAINE: Malaysia. I was in the area.

(Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage.)

[Newman's car]

(Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in.)

NEWMAN: (surprised) Kramer.

KRAMER: Just drive.

(Newman puts the car in gear and sets off.)

KRAMER: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're the scofflaw.

NEWMAN: (defensive) What're you talking about...

KRAMER: (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.

NEWMAN: All right, so it's me. So what?

KRAMER: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.

NEWMAN: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!

KRAMER: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?

NEWMAN: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.

KRAMER: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?

NEWMAN: (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading) Help me Kramer! Help me!

KRAMER: All right, all right, I'm gonna help you.

[Street]

(George and Jerry, walking together.)

GEORGE: I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair.

JERRY: You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em.

GEORGE: Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know about.

JERRY: What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her?

GEORGE: The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her.

JERRY: So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!

[Monk's]

(Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth.)

LIPPMAN: It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house, and if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do. If I can get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think I'll have something for you. (laughs)

ELAINE: Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I mean, you have no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.

LIPPMAN: Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses.

ELAINE: Oh really, you like 'em?

LIPPMAN: Uh huh. Very unusual.

ELAINE: Well, you know what? (removes glasses)

LIPPMAN: What?

ELAINE: (hands them over) You can have 'em.

LIPPMAN: Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.

ELAINE: No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change the prescription in an hour. Take 'em.

LIPPMAN: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly.

LIPPMAN: (accepting) I could use a new pair of reading glasses.

ELAINE: They're from Malaysia.

LIPPMAN: (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?

ELAINE: (admiring gasp) Fabulous.

[Courtroom]

(Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him. There are the usual personnel for a courtroom.)

JUDGE: Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never come across anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...

(Newman bursts into anguished tears.)

JUDGE: ...convenient to your home.

NEWMAN: (sobbing) I can't afford that!

JUDGE: Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that your car is impounded...

(Newman's sobbing reaches new heights.)

JUDGE: ...and sold at auction.

KRAMER: Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody.

(The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this statement.)

[Hair Team For Men]

(George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are in a fitting room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig, assisted by the salesman, while Jerry looks on.)

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?

JERRY: (unimpressed) I, really can't say.

GEORGE: No, say. I want you to say.

JERRY: It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. (to salesman) I'm sorry.

SALESMAN: You have to realise this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp.

GEORGE: (examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good.

JERRY: Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?

GEORGE: (to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else.

SALESMAN: As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.

JERRY: Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful!

SALESMAN: (getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful! I think you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to improve his life!

JERRY: Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to you personally!

SALESMAN: (angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?! (looks ready to punch Jerry)

JERRY: All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.

GEORGE: (leaps to feet) Jerry!

JERRY: I'm sorry.

GEORGE: Please. (sits again)

(The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself.)

GARY: Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, you decided to get a rug! Good for you, Jack!

GEORGE: Well, I'm, I'm just looking.

GARY: Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment.

SALESMAN: I'll be right with you.

(The salesman/Tommy leaves.)

GARY: Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: What?

GARY: This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you can't fight City Hall.

(Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a 'go ahead' expression.)

JERRY: You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the other day...

GARY: (to George) You didn't?!

GEORGE: (admiring himself in mirror) I did.

JERRY: (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct)

(We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary and Jerry are heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig.)

GARY: (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet!

JERRY: Gimme that thing!

[Monk's]

(Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee. One or two of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the counter by the cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table give him an admiring look.)

GEORGE: How's your life? All right?

WOMAN: Yeah, not bad at all.

(She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation for George to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial effects of his hairpiece.)

[Press conference]

(Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern. In front of it are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine.)

LIPPMAN: (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake as he vacates the lectern in his favour)

(There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take questions.)

REPORTER: So Jake, what's your percentage on this book?

(Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps back to the lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from his pocket.)

LIPPMAN: Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very interesting information on that. (puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...

JAKE: (notices glasses) Where did you get those?

LIPPMAN: ... as such, it...

JAKE: Those glasses, where did you get those glasses?

LIPPMAN: (confused) Where... what?

JAKE: (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling) I want the glasses! Give me those!

(He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues. Jake can be heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a view of the noisy fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit. She is apologetic to her neighbour.)

ELAINE: (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks.

The End

S6E14&15 - Highlights of a Hundred  (a.k.a. The Clip Show)

Broadcast date: February 2, 1995

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

*Aired as a hour show

==================================================================

*Part 1

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry enters)

JERRY: (taking off his jacket) Oh, Hi. A hundred episodes, (hangs up his jacket) that's a lot. During the course of which George, Elaine, Kramer and I have had many experiences both positive and negative. Well mostly negative, there have been some relationships that haven't worked out ambitions that were unfulfilled, hopes dashed, some property damage, hurt feels, I know one guy got deported, physical injury an... alright maybe even a death or two. (begins his way over to the couch) But we've persevered because we're people... real TV people, and for thirty minutes a week (sits down on the couch) that's pretty important to us so if you're joining us late (grabs a remote) here's some highlights from what's happened so far. (holds the remote up and presses a button at which point we go into the clips from previous shows)

*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later

*Part 2 (only shown during syndication)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry Enters)

JERRY: Oh, Hi. I didn't realize you'd be back soo soon. You know after a hundred episodes this apartment has really seen a lot of action. George, Kramer, (looking down) that girl... (someone else not on camera says "Elaine") Elaine. But in the end it's really a show about people, (walks over to the couch and sits down on the arm) people who really care about each other and I think that says something, I guess, I dunno. Just watch (as this point we go into clips from previous shows)

*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later

S6E16 - The Beard

Broadcast date: February 9, 1995

Written by Carol Leifer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Robert Mailhouse ................ Robert

Katherine LaNasa ............... Cathy

Jonathan Gries .................... Homeless Man

Ed Winter ........................... Mr. Stevenson

Georgann Johnson .............. Mrs. Stevenson

Joan Elizabeth ..................... Denise

John F. O'Donohue ............. Gus

Jerry Diner .......................... Lou

Mirron E. Willis ................... Officer #1

Ken Kerman ........................ Officer #2

==================================================================

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.

ELAINE: I know. I need a lesson.

JERRY: You stink. You know you stink. What is this?

ELAINE: Oh. My ballet tickets.

JERRY: Oh. Your ballet tickets.

ELAINE: Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?

JERRY: No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

ELAINE: You know, I'm going as a beard.

JERRY: A beard?

ELAINE: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.

JERRY: Why are you doing this?

ELAINE: Swan Lake, at the Met.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.

ELAINE: Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?

KRAMER: I think he looks fantastic.

ELAINE: Oh, come on.

KRAMER: No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.

(George enters, wearing a toupee.)

GEORGE: Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.

ELAINE: You look ridiculous in that thing.

GEORGE: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried that you may have missed the boat?

ELAINE: Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.

GEORGE: Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

KRAMER: You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.

JERRY: Well what about me?

KRAMER: No I think he's got you beat buddy.

GEORGE: So she's gorgeous.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.

GEORGE: Well have you got a picture?

KRAMER: No.

GEORGE: Well, I have to see her.

KRAMER: Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.

GEORGE: Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

JERRY: It sounds like an excellent idea.

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person.

(Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.)

GEORGE: Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it.

KRAMER: Here you go brother. Some food for you.

HOMELESS MAN: Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you.

KRAMER: Now are you going to be here in an hour?

HOMELESS MAN: Where am I going?

[At the police station.]

KRAMER: Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?

LOU: Almond?

KRAMER: Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.

GEORGE: Pouty? I like that.

JERRY: You can't go wrong with pouty.

GEORGE: I'm excited about the pouty.

LOU: All right I think that about does it.

KRAMER: All right George, come on, take a look.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.

JERRY: Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?

LOU: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her?

(Walking down the street.)

GEORGE: Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?

JERRY: Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.

KRAMER: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?

HOMELESS MAN: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?

KRAMER: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.

HOMELESS MAN: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Woah, woah, that's mine.

HOMELESS MAN: You gave it to me.

KRAMER: No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware.

HOMELESS MAN: You should have said something.

KRAMER: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume.

[At the ballet.]

ROBERT: I've really got to thank you for this.

ELAINE: Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded.

ROBERT: Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.

BOSS' WIFE: So, um, you and Robert.

ELAINE: Yes indeed.

BOSS: I'm surprised.

ELAINE: Really. Why?

BOSS: No reason.

ELAINE: Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a one woman man, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

(Robert comes back.)

ELAINE: Oh, hi honey.

(Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him.)

[At Monk's.]

ELAINE: Oh it was such a great night.

JERRY: And did they suspect anything?

ELAINE: No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.

JERRY: And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

ELAINE: Oh it was such a great night. Oh.

JERRY: You said that already.

ELAINE: Oh I did?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh.

JERRY: Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?

ELAINE: He's incredible.

JERRY: Yeah, but?

ELAINE: Yeah, I know.

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?

ELAINE: Well it did occur to me.

JERRY: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.

ELAINE: Why? Is it irrevocable?

JERRY: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.

ELAINE: We've got a good team.

JERRY: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.

ELAINE: Why can't he play for us?

JERRY: They're only comfortable with their equipment.

ELAINE: We just got along so great.

JERRY: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.

ELAINE: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.

JERRY: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.

ELAINE: I realize that.

JERRY: Are you that desperate?

ELAINE: Yes I am.

[At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.]

JERRY: So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye.

(Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.)

JERRY: What are you looking for?

KRAMER: Tupperware.

JERRY: Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.

KRAMER: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.

JERRY: What about a plastic bag?

KRAMER: You must be kidding.

JERRY: What is the difference?

KRAMER: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, you talked to her.

GEORGE: Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.

KRAMER: Yeah well we go way back.

GEORGE: Why didn't anything happen between you two?

KRAMER: Who's to say it didn't?

JERRY: So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?

GEORGE: Yes I did.

JERRY: What did you say to her?

GEORGE: What do you think I said?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I told her the truth.

JERRY: As you see it?

GEORGE: Yes, as I see it.

JERRY: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?

GEORGE: What hat?

JERRY: You know, you're little hair hat there.

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Don't you think she could tell?

KRAMER: No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.

JERRY: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

GEORGE: You only think that because you know me.

JERRY: Have you noticed people staring at your head?

GEORGE: I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.

JERRY: Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.

KRAMER: No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.

GEORGE: Look, I guarantee she won't know.

KRAMER: Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.

JERRY: Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

(Walking down the street.)

KRAMER: Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.

(Kramer drops something into the man's cup.)

HOMELESS MAN: Hey that's my coffee!

[At the police station]

JERRY: Hi Sarge.

TIERNEY: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?

KRAMER: Sure. I will.

TIERNEY: Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert.

[In the lineup room.]

(6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.)

SPEAKER: All of you, turn to the left.

(Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.)

SPEAKER: The left.

(Kramer turns left.)

SPEAKER: Now turn to the right.

(Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance.)

[At Monk's.]

GEORGE: (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.

DENISE: George?

GEORGE: Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

DENISE: Likewise. Have you been waiting long?

GEORGE: No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.

DENISE: Good, good.

GEORGE: Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.

(Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still on George. His expression changes to surprise.)

[At the police station.]

JERRY: What's that?

TIERNEY: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.

JERRY: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?

TIERNEY: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place.

JERRY: Really.

TIERNEY: Have you ever seen the show?

JERRY: No.

TIERNEY: You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.

JERRY: I admit it. I don't watch it.

TIERNEY: Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.

JERRY: The poly?

TIERNEY: Yeah. I think you've seen it.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

ELAINE: Melrose Place?

JERRY: Yes. Melrose Place.

ELAINE: I just didn't know you watched that.

JERRY: Well I do.

ELAINE: I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.

JERRY: Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.

ELAINE: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...

JERRY: And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it.

ELAINE: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

JERRY: The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.

ELAINE: That is so stupid. Why don't you just confess?

JERRY: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.

ELAINE: So what are you going to do?

JERRY: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.

ELAINE: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?

JERRY: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

(Elaine takes a drink of something.)

ELAINE: Oh god this tastes terrible.

JERRY: Did you shake it up?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: You gotta shake it up.

ELAINE: No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.

(Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.)

JERRY: Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.

ELAINE: So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.

JERRY: So tonight are you going to make the move?

ELAINE: Yeah, I think I might.

(George enters)

JERRY: Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?

GEORGE: That's an interesting question.

JERRY: How so?

GEORGE: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!

ELAINE: What do you mean bald?

GEORGE: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.

JERRY: She's bald?

GEORGE: She's bald.

ELAINE: Oh come on.

GEORGE: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

ELAINE: Well maybe she got a haircut or something.

GEORGE: Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

JERRY: Women go bald?

ELAINE: Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.

(Kramer enters)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: You fixed me up with a bald woman.

(Kramer flinches)

KRAMER: Bald?

GEORGE: Yeah, that's right.

ELAINE: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.

GEORGE: So?

ELAINE: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!

GEORGE: No I'm not. I was bald.

(Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.)

GEORGE: Elaine.

(Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.)

GEORGE: No, no, no Elaine.

ELAINE: (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.

(She tosses the toupee out the window)

GEORGE: Nooooo.

(He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.)

[Outside.]

(The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. He puts it on.)

[At Elaine's apartment]

ROBERT: Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?

ELAINE: Well I figured that's what couples do.

ROBERT: You almost convinced me we were a couple.

ELAINE: Well it was easy. Really.

ROBERT: Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.

ELAINE: Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?

ROBERT: Upstairs?

ELAINE: Yeah. Upstairs?

ROBERT: Elaine...

ELAINE: I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams?

ROBERT: Changing teams?

ELAINE: Have you ever thought about it?

ROBERT: But I'm a starting shortstop.

ELAINE: Robert, we need a shortstop. Real bad.

[At Monk's.]

GEORGE: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

JERRY: Good to have you back.

GEORGE: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

JERRY: She's as good as anybody else.

GEORGE: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

JERRY: Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

GEORGE: Going to need a little more coffee here.

JERRY: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

GEORGE: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

JERRY: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

GEORGE: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

JERRY: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

GEORGE: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.

[Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.]

ELAINE: Hey, I did it.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: I turned him. He defected.

JERRY: Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?

ELAINE: Because I'm a woman. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.

JERRY: Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay".

ELAINE: Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.

[At the police station.]

(Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into the room. They stand there for a few moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He then tilts his head a few times to the man on his left.)

[Elsewhere at the police station.]

(Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.)

LOU: What's your name?

JERRY: Jerry Seinfeld.

LOU: What is your address?

JERRY: 129 West 81st street.

LOU: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

JERRY: I don't know.

(Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper.)

LOU: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

JERRY: I don't know.

(Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney look at each other.)

LOU: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?

JERRY: I don't know.

LOU: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

JERRY: (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad.

(He picks up his coat and leaves.)

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: He went back? What do you mean he went back?

ELAINE: He went back.

JERRY: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.

ELAINE: Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.

JERRY: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.

ELAINE: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

JERRY: Well there's always a place for you, on our team.

ELAINE: Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?

JERRY: Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.

ELAINE: Okay.

(George enters.)

JERRY: Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.

ELAINE: Hey George, I am really proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.

GEORGE: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.

ELAINE: What is the matter?

GEORGE: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently baldy likes a slimmer guy.

KRAMER: Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?

ELAINE: I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.

JERRY: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.

(Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.)

JERRY: Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.

[At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.]

KRAMER: Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy.

MAN: I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup?

HOMELESS MAN: That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

MAN: Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward.

KRAMER: Me?

The End.

S6E17 - The Kiss Hello

Broadcast date: February 16, 1995

Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Wendie Malick .................... Wendy

Billye Ree Wallace ............... Nana

Carol Leifer ........................ Receptionist

Julio Oscar Mechoso ........... Julio

Rondi Reed ......................... Mary

Gene Elman ........................ Buddy

Mary Scheer ....................... Joan

Louisa Abernathy .............. Nurse

Timothy McNeil .................. Jeff

Mark Fite ............................ Jack

C.D. LaBove ....................... Steve

Wendy Worthington .......... Louise

Belinda Barry ..................... Stephanie

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird Thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!"

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.)

GEORGE: Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?

JERRY: I would think.

GEORGE: So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?

JERRY: (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.

GEORGE: Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.

JERRY: Yeah? Would you do it?

GEORGE: Yes, I think I would.

JERRY: Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people.

(The phone rings. Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye.

(He hangs up the phone.)

JERRY: I have to go over to my grandmother's.

GEORGE: What for?

JERRY: I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.

GEORGE: So, what, no lunch?

JERRY: No, we have time.

GEORGE: Oh. How's she doing?

(George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way to the door.)

JERRY: Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.

GEORGE: Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.

JERRY: Like toothpaste?

GEORGE: Ya-hah.

(Jerry and George leave.)

[Street]

(Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.)

JERRY: There's a squeeze ketchup.

GEORGE: I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.

JERRY: Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?

GEORGE: Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.

JERRY: I really don't see the difference.

GEORGE: Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.

JERRY: It's subtle.

GEORGE: Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?

JERRY: (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.

GEORGE: What?

(They stop walking.)

JERRY: Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.

GEORGE: Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?

JERRY: Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.

(Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine waves back.)

ELAINE: (from a distance) Hey.

GEORGE: You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.

JERRY: Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.

GEORGE: (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.

JERRY: No, I told you I admire your hearing.

(George waves away the compliment.)

JERRY: No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.

(Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive, but has a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.)

GEORGE/JERRY/ELAINE/WENDY: Hey/Hi/Hello (etc.)

ELAINE: (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.

(Wendy and George shake hands.)

GEORGE: You're uh, physical therapist, right?

WENDY: Yes.

GEORGE: You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?

(Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't happy that George is bothering Wendy.)

ELAINE: (warning) George.

WENDY: Have you tried heat and ice on it?

GEORGE: (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.

WENDY: Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little.

GEORGE: (happy) Oh! Okay.

WENDY: Let me give you my card.

(Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.)

GEORGE: Oh, thank you.

WENDY: Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine.

ELAINE: Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.

WENDY: Bye Jerry.

(Wendy walks away down the street.)

JERRY: Bye.

ELAINE: (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.

[Monk's]

(George, Jerry and Elaine enter.)

GEORGE: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.

ELAINE: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.

GEORGE: Why not?

(The trio sit down in a booth.)

ELAINE: Because, it is what she does.

GEORGE: I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

ELAINE: George, you got a little something, right here.

(Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.)

GEORGE: (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...

JERRY: (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.

GEORGE: (regarding the menu) What're you getting?

JERRY: (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?

ELAINE: Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.

JERRY: She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.

ELAINE: Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.

JERRY: Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.

ELAINE: Yeah. Hah.

GEORGE: Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.

ELAINE: No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.

JERRY: What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.

ELAINE: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet...

(Kramer enters.)

ELAINE: (to Kramer) ...Kramer.

(Kramer strolls over to the table.)

KRAMER: Hello, boys and girls.

JERRY: Speak of the devil.

(Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer speaks to Jerry)

KRAMER: Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.

JERRY: What for?

KRAMER: Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.

JERRY: (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.

KRAMER: Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.

JERRY: (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.

KRAMER: (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?

ELAINE: (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.

[Nana's Apartment]

(Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room.)

LEO: Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic squeeze containers?

(There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.)

LEO: (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!

JERRY: Hello, uncle Leo!

LEO: What're you doing here?

JERRY: Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.

LEO: Yeah, me too.

(Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup.)

NANA: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hi Nana.

(There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.)

LEO: Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?

JERRY: Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.

NANA: Ha, well, here's the bottle.

(Nana holds out the ketchup.)

LEO: (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.

JERRY: (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.

(Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.)

LEO: Give it to me.

JERRY: Will you stop it.

LEO: Jerry, will you give me the bottle?

JERRY: Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!

NANA: You should let Buddy open it.

LEO: Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago.

(Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana.)

NANA: Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?

LEO: What fifty dollars?

NANA: Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister.

(Nana walks away out of the room again.)

LEO: Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.

(Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.)

LEO: (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars.

(Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of mistrust.)

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the building super.)

JERRY: I'm just not getting any hot water.

JULIO: Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.

JERRY: Thanks, Julio.

JULIO: Awright.

(Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door opens and Jerry and Elaine enter.)

JERRY: Huh?

KRAMER: (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!

JERRY: What's going on here?

KRAMER: (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.

JERRY: (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?

KRAMER: Oh, I, I need a pen.

JERRY: What for?

KRAMER: Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.

JERRY: (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?

KRAMER: You got that straight.

JERRY: I told you, forget it.

KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!

JERRY: You're robbing me.

KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.

(Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.)

ELAINE: Wha... W.. Are you going home?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?

KRAMER: Why?

ELAINE: No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.

(Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place, Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.)

JERRY: (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?

ELAINE: Yeah, she'll be here any second.

JERRY: Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.

(The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.)

JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye.

[The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]

(Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket calculator out, doing some work.)

MORTY: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?

HELEN: Oh, Morty, please.

MORTY: Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill...

HELEN: Morty, will you stop it!

MORTY: (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Yeah?

WENDY (O.C.): Wendy.

JERRY: Come on up.

(Elaine enters from the bathroom.)

ELAINE: Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?

JERRY: No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.

ELAINE: What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?

JERRY: It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.

ELAINE: How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?

JERRY: Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.

(There's a knock at the door.)

ELAINE: (indicating) That's her. That's her.

(Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare. He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside. Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters.)

ELAINE/WENDY: Hi/Hey.

(Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the appliance.)

JERRY: (muffled) Hi Wendy.

WENDY: Oh, hi Jerry.

(Wendy wanders over to the fridge.)

JERRY: (muffled) Would you like something to drink?

WENDY: Sure.

(Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.)

JERRY: (muffled) There you go.

WENDY: (taking the bottle) Ah.

(Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the couch.)

JERRY: Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.

(Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear. Finding that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.)

JERRY: So, how's everything going?

WENDY: Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.

JERRY: Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.

(There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.)

ELAINE: Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.

(Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera.)

KRAMER: Hey! Jerry!

(Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot.)

JERRY: C'mon, that's not fair!

KRAMER: I told you I was gonna get it.

JERRY: No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.

KRAMER: (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.

JERRY: (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?

ELAINE: Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.

KRAMER: Oh, hello.

WENDY: (holds out her hand) Hi.

KRAMER: (shaking hands) Yeah.

(Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away, Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.)

KRAMER: (points) You know, I really like that hairdo.

(Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.)

WENDY: (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.

ELAINE: (hopeful) Oh, you were?

WENDY: Well, I...

KRAMER: (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that.

ELAINE: Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...

KRAMER: No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.

WENDY: Oh, well.

(Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.)

WENDY: (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.

(Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up, to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling Kramer with the flash.)

[Wendy's Car]

(Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.)

WENDY: So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in.

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer.

WENDY: Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?

ELAINE: You wanna go out with him?

WENDY: Well, why not?

ELAINE: Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...

WENDY: What, is there anything wrong with him?

(Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes.)

WENDY: Elaine?

ELAINE: I'm just thinking about the question.

[ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]

(George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.)

GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)

RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.

GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.

(George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch.)

RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.

GEORGE: What for?

RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".

GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.

(Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.)

WENDY: What's the problem?

GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.

WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.

(Wendy walks out, into another room.)

GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door.

RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?

GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!

(George leaves, slamming the door behind him.)

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker. Kramer is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier. Jerry and Elaine enter from the street.)

KRAMER: Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?

(Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially by his own picture.)

JERRY: Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...

(The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. It's not flattering in the slightest.)

JERRY: ...You can't put that picture up.

KRAMER: Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another.

(The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer.)

STEVE: Hey Cosmo.

KRAMER: Hey...

(Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and then points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.)

KRAMER: ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?

ELAINE: Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.

KRAMER: (interested) Well, how do you do?

(A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.)

MARY: Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.

JERRY: Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.

MARY: You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other.

KRAMER: (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?

JERRY: (not really) Yeah.

MARY: Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?

JERRY: Oh, sure, yeah.

MARY: Thank you.

(Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture.)

JERRY: Oh, no!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.)

JERRY: You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!

ELAINE: (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...

JERRY: What is so funny?

ELAINE: Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)

(The phone rings and Jerry picks up.)

JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.

(Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.)

JERRY: (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters and immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.)

JOAN: Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.

JERRY: (not as eager) Hi Joan.

JOAN: How you doing?

(Jerry backs away toward the elevator.)

JERRY: Pretty good.

JOAN: Just pretty good? Not great?

JERRY: Okay, great.

JOAN: Are you happy?

JERRY: Oh, I'm delighted.

JOAN: Okay. Have a nice day.

JERRY: You too.

(The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.)

LOUISE: Hi Jerry.

(Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.)

JERRY: Hi, Louise.

(Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Ah, well. Thank you very much!

KRAMER: For what?

JERRY: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!

KRAMER: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.

JERRY: Family?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.

(As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips. Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently in the doorway, he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his lips, George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.)

[ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre]

(George enters, and the receptionist spots him.)

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.

GEORGE: What d'you mean?

RECEPTIONIST: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?

GEORGE: When did you leave the message?

RECEPTIONIST: Few hours ago.

GEORGE: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.

RECEPTIONIST: Look, Mister Costanza...

GEORGE: Will that be cash, or cheque?

(George gives an exaggerated wink.)

[Wendy's Car]

(Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of her head, and there are ski poles on the back seat.)

WENDY: I am really glad I took the day off.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.

WENDY: Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset.

ELAINE: Ugh, the hell with 'em.

(Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over to the side of the road.)

ELAINE: What're you stopping here for?

WENDY: I'm dropping you off.

ELAINE: (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.

WENDY: Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way...

ELAINE: Yeah, but it's only three blocks.

WENDY: Right. It's only three blocks.

ELAINE: (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...

[Street]

(Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk of skis, poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick them up, simply kicks them along in front of her.)

[Street]

(Jerry and Elaine walk together.)

ELAINE: She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?

JERRY: Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.

ELAINE: I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you."

JERRY: I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.

ELAINE: I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.

JERRY: You should have her work on it for you.

ELAINE: Yeah, alright, I gotta go.

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello.)

MAR: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Hi Mary.

(Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against the mailboxes.)

JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....

(Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.)

JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.

(The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello.)

LOU: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Hi Louise...

(Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.)

JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.

(Jerry backs into the elevator.)

JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.

[Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]

(Jerry answers the phone.)

JERRY: Hello.

HELEN (V.O): Jerry?

JERRY: Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?

(In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out figures with a pad and a calculator.)

HELEN: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.

MORTY: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.

HELEN: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.

JERRY: Okay, I will.

MORTY: D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund for fifty-three years...

[Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.)

KRAMER: What's up?

JERRY: (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home.

KRAMER: Oh.

(They walk together down the hall.)

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the wall opposite catches Jerry's eye.)

JERRY: Hey, Kramer, look at this.

(Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.)

JERRY: Look at my picture!

(The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. 'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns and a wormlike tongue added and teeth blacked out.)

JERRY: I've been defaced!

KRAMER: Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.

(Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.)

JACK: Hey. Hi Cosmo.

KRAMER: Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?

JERRY: Hi Jack.

(Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask him something.)

JERRY: Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think?

JULIO: Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh?

JERRY: (defensive) No no, that's not true!

JULIO: (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other.

(Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.)

[Knollridge Nursing Home]

(Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.)

NURSE: Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.

JERRY: You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.

NURSE: Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.

JERRY: Buddy?

NURSE: Yes, that's his name. He's right over there.

(The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.)

[ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre]

(George is talking with Wendy at the counter.)

WENDY: (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.

GEORGE: (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!

(Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.)

WENDY: A delicate genius?

(George spots Elaine.)

GEORGE: Elaine?

ELAINE: (surprised) George!

(George stalks past Elaine and exits.)

GEORGE: (leaving) Hah. Good luck.

WENDY: What's going on?

ELAINE: (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?

WENDY: Oh sure. You have insurance, right?

ELAINE: (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?

(Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door)

GEORGE: Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?

WENDY: How did you hear that?

GEORGE: I hear everything.

WENDY: I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm?

ELAINE: Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.

GEORGE: Yeah. Let's go.

(Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine turns to deliver her parting shot.)

ELAINE: (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.

WENDY: Why, what's wrong with my hair?

ELAINE: Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her.

RECEPTIONIST: She's right.

[Nursing Home]

(Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.)

JERRY: So you were with him that day at the track?

BUDDY: Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.

JERRY: Leo?

BUDDY: Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?

JERRY: Is that so?

BUDDY: And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!

JERRY: Well, that's very interesting.

(Just then, Uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry spots his arrival.)

JERRY: (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.

(Leo's caught out, and looks worried.)

LEO: (defensive) One second...

JERRY: (with a triumphant point) You're busted!

[Lobby, Jerry's Building]

(Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his mail. Jerry decides to be friendly.)

JERRY: Hey, Steve. How you doing?

(Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry tries the friendly approach again.)

JERRY: Hey, Jeff. What's happening?

(Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.)

JERRY: Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.

(Mary moves to avoid Jerry.)

JERRY: Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!

MARY: (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody!

(Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she greets Jeff and Steve.)

JEFF: Hi Mary.

MARY: Hi Jeff. How are you?

(Mary and Jeff kiss hello.)

MARY: Hi Pete. How you doing?

(Mary and Pete kiss hello.)

PETE: Hey, let's go get some coffee.

JEFF: Great idea.

MARY: Oh, that'd be great.

(The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight. Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour of the occupant as he crosses the lobby.)

JERRY: Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...

(But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face.)

[Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment]

(Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens the door.)

KRAMER: Hi.

JERRY: Hey. Could I use your shower?

KRAMER: What, again? You took one this morning.

JERRY: (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.

KRAMER: I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem.

KRAMER: (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?

KRAMER: No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done.

(A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the apartment.)

GUY: I'll go get some more beer.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips.

(An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets her approach.)

KRAMER: Hey.

STEFANIE: Hi Cosmo.

KRAMER: Hi.

STEFANIE: (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.

KRAMER: Ooh, I like that.

JERRY: (impressed) Who's that?

KRAMER: Stefanie. 2-G.

JERRY: Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.

(Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.)

KRAMER: Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.

JERRY: (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.

(Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the narrowing gap until it shuts.)

The End

S6E18 - The Doorman

Broadcast date: February 23, 1995

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Larry Miller .......................... Doorman

Patrick Cronin ...................... Farkus

Reni Santoni ......................... Poppie

Edith Fields .......................... Mrs. Payton

Nick Jameson ....................... Horst

Jack Betts ............................. Mr. Green

Barbara Pilavin ..................... German Woman

Toni Sawyer ......................... Tenant #1

Nigel Gibbs ........................... Tenant #2

Deck McKenzie ..................... Delivery Man

Trudi Forristal ...................... Buxom Woman

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ............ Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? They have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now you would think, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's see how they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!"

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman, stood reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the doorman's voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.)

DOORMAN: Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?

JERRY: (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.

DOORMAN: (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that name.

JERRY: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.

DOORMAN: Oh. House-sitting, mmm.

JERRY: Yeah.

DOORMAN: What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?

JERRY: Can I just go up?

DOORMAN: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.

(The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the button for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive. The doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly smile on his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still not moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.)

JERRY: How 'bout those Knicks?

DOORMAN: Oh, I see. On the sports page...

JERRY: Yeah.

DOORMAN: ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

(Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator will come and rescue him.)

[Street]

(George and Kramer walk along together.)

KRAMER: So, you think your parents'll get back together?

GEORGE: I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

(Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German flag painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George and brings them to a halt.)

KRAMER: Hey, George, stick 'em up.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.

GEORGE: Why?

KRAMER: So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.

(Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.)

KRAMER: Awright, hands up, porky!

(On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out the window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling through George's pockets with his free hand.)

KRAMER: That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!

(The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass. Kramer grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.)

KRAMER: (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!

GEORGE: Alright, that's enough.

KRAMER: I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!

Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed.

[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]

(Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.)

ELAINE: Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.

(Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.)

JERRY: I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.

ELAINE: What guy?

JERRY: The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off?

ELAINE: Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.

JERRY: Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?

ELAINE: (unhappy) I...

JERRY: We'll still make the movie.

ELAINE: (accepting) Okay, okay.

(Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at their watches.)

[George's Apartment]

(George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt, mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.)

GEORGE: What'd you do today, dad?

FRANK: Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.

GEORGE: I don't have a hi-fi.

FRANK: Didn't I give you my old record player?

GEORGE: (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.

FRANK: Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?

KRAMER: I'm Cosmo.

FRANK: Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record.

KRAMER: (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.

GEORGE: (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?

FRANK: (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt.

(George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens his shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed as the shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified, and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.)

[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]

(Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding the curtain open and looking down at the street.)

ELAINE: Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.

JERRY: Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.

(The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer it.)

ELAINE: No, don't...

JERRY: (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.

(Elaine looks exasperated.)

ELAINE: (quietly) Give that to me.

ELAINE: (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?

(Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.)

MR. PITT: (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party?

ELAINE: A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.

(Jerry is peering out of the window again.)

JERRY: Alright, he just left. We can go.

MR. PITT: (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.

ELAINE: Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, can you grab those empty bottles for me.

(Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk.)

MR. PITT: I need to know what's in the mail.

ELAINE: Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying to catch a movie.

MR. PITT: (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I need to know what's in the mail.

ELAINE: Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.

(Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.)

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new doorman on duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open for him. Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.)

[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]

(Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out on the floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit.)

ELAINE: ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...

MR. PITT (O.C.): (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?

[Street]

(Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.)

DOORMAN: Hey, buddy.

JERRY: (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too?

DOORMAN: Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it?

JERRY: So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building?

DOORMAN: You got a problem with that?

JERRY: Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye.

(Jerry walks away.)

DOORMAN: (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, don't you?!

[Monk's]

(George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing a purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if he might never want to eat again.)

GEORGE: My father opened his shirt...

JERRY: Yeah, and?

GEORGE: (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.

KRAMER: (matter of fact) He had breasts.

(George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating. Jerry thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.)

JERRY: What d'you mean, breasts?

GEORGE: (waves his hands) Big breasts!

JERRY: So what? A lot of older men have that.

KRAMER: No, not these. These were real hooters.

(Jerry pulls a face at the thought.)

GEORGE: I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.

KRAMER: Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.

GEORGE: (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son?

JERRY: But, your father's not bald.

GEORGE: No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.

JERRY: Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.

(George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues to look deeply worried.)

KRAMER: You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support.

GEORGE: You mean like a bra?

KRAMER: A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.

JERRY: Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?

KRAMER: I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.

(Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way to the door, as she passes the booth she notices George.)

BUXOM WOMAN: (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins.

GEORGE: (thinking she means the breasts) What!!

BUXOM WOMAN: Our shirts. They're the same.

GEORGE: Oh, Huh, imagine that.

(The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry. She's not happy about something.)

ELAINE: (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?

JERRY: What? Nothing.

ELAINE: (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him.

JERRY: What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?

ELAINE: Hey, did you make the movie?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.

JERRY: Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by?

ELAINE: Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?

JERRY: Yes, we do.

(Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding the neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment at his chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see if there's any movement.)

ELAINE: What is wrong with George?

JERRY: He's... trying to get something off his chest.

(George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet to pay the cheque.)

GEORGE: (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.)

DOORMAN: Help you?

JERRY: (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.

DOORMAN: I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back, like people in your world.

JERRY: (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends.

DOORMAN: You wanna be friends?

JERRY: I'd like to be.

DOORMAN: Then watch the door for a minute, would you?

(The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter.)

JERRY: What?

DOORMAN: Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.

JERRY: Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?

DOORMAN: It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.

JERRY: Oh.

(The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not thrilled about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open, and a young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After a second, Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow the woman to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into the elevator vacated by the woman.)

JERRY: (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!

(The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens and another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.)

JERRY: Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?

MR. GREEN: (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.

(Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building, but he looks resentful about it.)

JERRY: (after the guy) You think you're better than me?

[Bus]

(George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it rattles, shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George is strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another guy on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight shut, and crosses his arms firmly.)

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. A FedEx delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a barcode on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches, disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something.)

DELIVERY GUY: (indicating) You have to sign for it.

JERRY: Oh, right.

(Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back to the newspaper.)

DELIVERY GUY: (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?

(Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.)

JERRY: (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry puts the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign of the doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with a wave of the hand as he moves to the elevator.)

[George's Apartment]

(Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record player.)

KRAMER: Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.

FRANK: Thank you, Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah.

FRANK: (indicating a chair) Put it over there.

(Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch, not moving very easily.)

KRAMER: So, how you feeling?

FRANK: Tired.

KRAMER: Uh huh. Your back hurt?

FRANK: How did you know?

KRAMER: Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.

FRANK: (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.

(Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric.)

FRANK: You want me to wear a bra?!

KRAMER: No, no. A bra is for ladies.

(Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.)

KRAMER: Meet, the bro.

[Estelle's Car]

(Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.)

ESTELLE: So, is your father excited about coming home?

(George is miles away.)

ESTELLE: George?

GEORGE: (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?

ESTELLE: All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?

GEORGE: Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your roots.

ESTELLE: She was a lovely woman.

GEORGE: Yuh. What about physically?

ESTELLE: Physically?

GEORGE: Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?

ESTELLE: Well, you've seen pictures.

GEORGE: (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.

ESTELLE: So what?

GEORGE: Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?

ESTELLE: Big? No, just my height.

GEORGE: Bosomy?

ESTELLE: Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?!

GEORGE: (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could be relevant.

ESTELLE: Where do you get your genes from?!

GEORGE: (to himself) That's what I'd like to know.

[Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Elaine and Jerry ride down.)

ELAINE: I can't believe you left your post.

JERRY: He left me there. You see the mind games?

(The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.)

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.)

ELAINE: (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?

TENANT 1: Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.

(Jerry and Elaine look shocked.)

TENANT 2: Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?

ELAINE: (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.

JERRY: Yeah.

(Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.)

[George's Apartment]

(Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and Kramer are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands behind Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and Estelle enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned.)

ESTELLE: (shocked) Oh, my god!

(George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively unfazed Frank.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red dress, give a very noirish look to the scene.)

ELAINE: What were you doing watching the door anyway?

JERRY: He asked me to. We were getting along.

ELAINE: (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.

JERRY: Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up!

ELAINE: (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight.

JERRY: Alright, well what if we say...

ELAINE: Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up...

JERRY: I came to pick you up.

ELAINE: Yeah. That's what I just said.

JERRY: I know. I was just...

ELAINE: Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.

JERRY: Alright, well. Just, start again, then.

ELAINE: Okay, you came to pick me up at...

JERRY: Right.

ELAINE: You see? Again.

JERRY: What? I said right.

(Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.)

ELAINE: Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.

JERRY: But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.

ELAINE: (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!

JERRY: But I don't know if this is gonna work.

ELAINE: (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking!

JERRY: Okay.

ELAINE: Good. Now fix me a drink.

[George's Apartment]

(Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.)

KRAMER: How's that feel?

FRANK: This feels very comfortable.

KRAMER: You see?

FRANK: I feel ten years younger.

KRAMER: Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.

(Frank walks a few paces.)

FRANK: And I can breathe easier, too.

KRAMER: I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?

FRANK: Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.

KRAMER: (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the bro, bro.

FRANK: Let's do it!

(Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.)

FRANK: Except, we gotta do something about the name.

KRAMER: Why, what's wrong with bro?

FRANK: No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.

KRAMER: Alright, you got something better?

FRANK: How 'bout uh... the mansiere?

KRAMER: Mansiere?

FRANK: That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?

(George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.)

GEORGE: (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.

FRANK: Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere?

(George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.)

GEORGE: Dad. We need to talk.

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton.)

DOORMAN: I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes.

(Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator.)

MRS. PAYTON: Why should I believe you?

DOORMAN: (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend.

(Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.)

MRS. PAYTON: I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery.

(The doorman peers over at the conversing)

ELAINE: Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?

MRS. PAYTON: He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.

ELAINE: (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?

(Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He brings out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton.)

DOORMAN: Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) at the exact same time the couch was stolen.

(Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as she's caught out.)

ELAINE: (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything.

(The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of triumph.)

ELAINE: (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames.

(The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated Elaine facing them.)

JERRY: You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?

ELAINE: (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.

JERRY: (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one!

ELAINE: Is it possible we were victims of a sting?

JERRY: I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.

(Jerry stares off, as he imagines...)

[Jerry's Imagination]

(In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.)

DOORMAN 2: So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch?

DOORMAN: No. I was just messing with his head.

DOORMAN 2: And they think they're better than us?

(The doormen whoop it up again)

[Monk's]

(Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.)

ELAINE: Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?

(Jerry snaps back to the here and now.)

ELAINE: We have to replace the couch.

JERRY: Now we have to buy a new couch?!

(A thought occurs to George.)

GEORGE: (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?

JERRY: The one with the Poppie stain?!

GEORGE: Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.

ELAINE: But it's got a pee-stain on it.

GEORGE: No, the cushion's turned over.

ELAINE: (not sure) I guess.

GEORGE: (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect!

[Sid Farkus' Office]

(Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank. Kramer is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.)

KRAMER: Now, it's called the bro.

FRANK: Or, the mansiere.

KRAMER: Yeah, but I prefer the bro.

FRANK: I like mansiere.

(Kramer puts the bro on the desk.)

FARKUS: Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.

KRAMER: Yeah.

FARKUS: You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising fifty percent of the market.

FRANK: (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh?

KRAMER: (to Frank) I told you.

FARKUS: And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support. I know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.

FRANK: (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon.

(Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.)

FARKUS: (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? What?

KRAMER: Uh.

FRANK: Definitely velcro.

(Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.)

KRAMER: Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.

(The three of them chuckle at the thought.)

KRAMER: I think we've all experienced that.

(They share a manly laugh.)

FARKUS: Summer nights.

(The laughter continues for a moment.)

KRAMER: (pointing at Farkus) Very funny.

FARKUS: Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont...

KRAMER: Of course, yes.

FARKUS: ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner.

(Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and moves toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.)

FARKUS: (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and Estelle separating.

(Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.)

FRANK: Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move on.

FARKUS: (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with you, if I were to ask her out?

FRANK: (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get the nerve to ask me something like that?!

FARKUS: Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...

(Kramer tries to calm Frank down.)

FRANK: I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!!

FARKUS: No, Frank...

FRANK: C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy.

(Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down' look and follows Frank out the door.)

KRAMER (O.C.): Frank!

[George's Apartment]

(Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase.)

GEORGE: Jerry took the couch back.

FRANK: He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?

GEORGE: Oh, I pleaded with him.

FRANK: Where am I supposed to sleep?

GEORGE: Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming to get you.

KRAMER: I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?

(George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.)

FRANK: What stain?

KRAMER: Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.

(George bites his lip and shakes his head.)

FRANK: (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?

GEORGE: (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.

FRANK: (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!!

(George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door.)

GEORGE: Ah! There's mom, there's mom.

(George races over and opens the door.)

ESTELLE: Is it safe to come in?

GEORGE: Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.

ESTELLE: You're not having any of your transvestite parties?

FRANK: Will you stop it?

ESTELLE: (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!

(As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record player.)

FRANK: Here, Cosmo...

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

FRANK: ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now...

KRAMER: Awright, I got it.

FRANK: ...I got one at home.

(George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his face.)

ESTELLE: Alright, let's go.

(Kramer opens the door.)

FRANK: We'll go out for dinner tonight.

ESTELLE: I can't tonight, I'm busy.

FRANK: What d'you mean, busy?

ESTELLE: I'm having dinner with someone.

FRANK: With whom?

(George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.)

ESTELLE: Sid Farkus.

FRANK: (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.

(George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help carry them out to the car.)

ESTELLE: Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.

FRANK: Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!

(Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.)

GEORGE: (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!

FRANK: We'll work something out.

(George drops the cases in disappointment.)

[Street]

(The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around the corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one of the witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes. She climbs out of the bus and points after Kramer.)

GERMAN WOMAN: Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!

(Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He turns back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus and join the woman as she follows Kramer.)

GERMAN WOMAN: Stop that man! It's him.

(Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing past bystanders as the tourists close on him.)

GERMAN WOMAN: Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, I know. Help. Stop him.

(Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped by the tourists, who block his escape.)

HORST: Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours.

KRAMER: Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.

HORST: You're a thief. We have proof.

(Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.)

HORST: What is that?

(Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it up against his body, to illustrate his words.)

KRAMER: The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for men.

(One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder at Kramer's explanation.)

HORST: How does it connect in the back? With a hook?

KRAMER: Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.

(The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking much more jovial.)

HORST: (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, ah?

(The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly German holding the bro up to himself.)

HORST: Is gut, ja?

[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]

(Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs. Payton regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery men leave.)

MRS. PAYTON: Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

ELAINE: It's a beautiful couch.

JERRY: It's hardly been used.

(Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a familiar character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.)

JERRY: Poppie!

POPPIE: Oh, hello, Jerry.

JERRY: What're you doing here?

POPPIE: Visiting my friend.

JERRY: Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?

POPPIE: Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation.

JERRY: Hmm.

POPPIE: So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I get excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, was in the restaurant. With your friend.

(Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry nods, remembering and in sympathy.)

POPPIE: She start the big fight, about abortion.

(Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach, and is not happy.)

POPPIE: It's you! It's you!

ELAINE: Wha...?

POPPIE: You! I... I gotta sit down!

(Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.)

JERRY: No, Poppie! No!!

(Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions, of Jerry and Elaine.)

[George's Apartment]

(George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small bowl. George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed whilst keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles back. Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought occurs. Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste.)

FRANK: Kasha?

(George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto the bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl.)

GEORGE: No. Thanks, dad.

(Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside lamp. Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha.)

The End

S6E19 - The Jimmy

Broadcast date: March 16, 1995

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Anthony Starke ................... Jimmy

Bryan Cranston ................... Dr. Tim Whatley

Robert Katims ..................... DEENSFREI:

Mel Torme ........................... Himself

Alison Armitage .................. Cheryl

J.D. Bridges ......................... Paramedic

Elan Carter .......................... Receptionist

rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm

==================================================================

[The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting dressed]

GEORGE: " That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again?"

JERRY: "Jimmy"

GEORGE: "Jimmy, right."

JERRY: "I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."

GEORGE: "Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya."

KRAMER: "Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay with me. They (?) Jerry. Now this is gonna plague me."( Puts on aftershave and cries out) OH! Mother!!!"

(Jimmy walks in)

GEORGE: "HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great game."

JIMMY: "OH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good."

GEORGE: "Hey you know , I felt we had like a synergy out there,you know, like we were really helping each other."

KRAMER: "What d'you got there?"

JIMMY: "These?"

KRAMER: "Yeah"

JIMMY: "These are Jimmy's training shoes."

GEORGE: "Yeah,yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger."

JIMMY: "Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these. Jimmy was like you (looks at George)

KRAMER: "They're Plyometric.(sp?)"

GEORGE: "Plyometric?"

KRAMER: "Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow....or die."

GEORGE: (to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?"

JIMMY: "Jimmy sells'em."

GEORGE: "You sell them?"

JIMMY: "Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now. Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a bit."

GEORGE: "Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in."

JIMMY: "All right"

GEORGE: "All right Jimmy Good talking to ya."

JIMMY: "Jimmy'll see you around."

(Jimmy leaves.)

GEORGE: "What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing."

JERRY: "Why. You took a shower?"

GEORGE: "Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take...... long pause, audience laughter) ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again ,I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump!"

KRAMER: "You should take cold showers."

GEORGE: "Cold showers? They're for psychotics."

KRAMER: "Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh."

GEORGE: "All right, I'll see you guys later."

JERRY: "Aw right."

KRAMER: "So, you're heading home?"

JERRY: "No...Got dental appointment."

KRAMER: "Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?

JERRY: "Yeah!"

KRAMER: "Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday."

JERRY: "Oh! How d'you like that?"

KRAMER: "You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist."

JERRY: "I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery."

KRAMER: "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength."

(Kramer leaves. Jerry is speechless.)

[Meeting at Yankee Stadium.]

WILHELM: "I called this meeting because we......have........a problem. For the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from the club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases, batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big one. "

(The camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps pulling on his collar he's sweating.)

WILHELM: "They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to believe it's an inside job."

GEORGE: (still puffing)" Whoa!!"

WILHELM: "If anybody here knows anything about it I recommend strongly that...you come forward."

(Wilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding something.)

[Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office.]

RECEPTIONIST: "Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready."

JERRY: "All right."

(Jerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table and discovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read.)

[Scene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone.]

ELAINE: "Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay. ..goodbye."

ELAINE: (to Jerry) "Hey ! You want to go see "The Velvet Fog".

JERRY: "The Velvet fog?"

ELAINE: "Yeah! Mel Tormé, That's his nickname."

JERRY: "What the hell his a velvet fog."

ELAINE: "Do you wanna go or not?"

JERRY: "Well , where is it?."

ELAINE: "He's performing at this AMCA benefit."

JERRY: "AMCA?"

ELAINE: "Able Mentally Challenged Adults"

JERRY: "Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song."

ELAINE: "What are you..crazy?"

JERRY: "They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing."

ELAINE: "Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club?"

JERRY: "I don't think so."

ELAINE: "Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those..."

JERRY: (interrupting) "Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces."

ELAINE: "You can't find beauty in a man?"

JERRY: "No... I find them repugnant and unappealing."

(Kramer bursts in)

KRAMER: "Hey!"

JERRY: (pointing Kramer) "To wit"

KRAMER: "What?"

JERRY: "No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive."

KRAMER: " Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will."

JERRY: "Really!"

KRAMER: "Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and...."

ELAINE: "He's smart...."

KRAMER: "No, no I don't find him all that bright."

KRAMER: "So you got any cavities?"

JERRY: "Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table."

ELAINE: "Penthouse?"

JERRY: "Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment."

KRAMER: "So what's wrong with that?

JERRY: (outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment."

KRAMER: "So... Did you take a look?"

JERRY: "Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it."

KRAMER: "Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early."

(George comes in. Kramer walks out.)

GEORGE: "Hey"

ELAINE: "Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's just really handsome?.."

GEORGE: (head down low) I...I wouldn't know"

ELAINE: "You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."

GEORGE: "It doesn't help"

ELAINE: "All right, I'm gone"

GEORGE: "I'll see you."

GEORGE: (to Jerry) "You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together."

JERRY: "What are you doing that for, you got a job"

GEORGE: "There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method"

JERRY: " Yeah! What's that."

GEORGE: "He jumps!"

JERRY: "Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich."

GEORGE: "Will you stop with the Jimmies"

Kramer takes something out of the fridge

KRAMER: "Hey! What's this?"

JERRY: "Kom Pau(sp?"

(Kramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy it is)

KRAMER: "(gasp_)......Kom Pau........"

[Elaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond guy's attention.]

ELAINE: (We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.

(Hank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to try to find out where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy.)

JIMMY: "You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you."

ELAINE: "Aaaaaahhh! He is?!"

JIMMY: "Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're just Jimmy's type."

ELAINE: "AAaaaaahhh! Really?"(giggles)

JIMMY: "Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't really know anyone."

ELAINE: "Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him."

JIMMY: "Jimmy would like to get to know you."

ELAINE: "Ha...."

[Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair.]

WHATLEY: "Hey! Kramer"

KRAMER: "Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim."

WHATLEY: "Yeah Well....I do what I can. How've you been."

KRAMER: "Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of your....hem reading material."

WHATLEY: "So what'ill it be? Novocaine?"

KRAMER: "Oh yes, yes indeed."

WHATLEY: "Why don't we just clear a path first."

KRAMER: "yeah, yeah, lets do that."

WHATLEY: "You remember Mr. Thirsty."

KRAMER: "All right euhhm....."

(Whatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions sounds are heard.)

[Scene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying the vertical lift shoes.]

JERRY: "Ahh! You too with these?"

KRAMER: (still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) "Yeah H'amon board."

JERRY: "So what did Tim say?"

KRAMER: "Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles."

JERRY: "Looks like he gave you some Novocaine"

KRAMER: "Ohhh H'am loaded."

JERRY: "So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him?"

KRAMER: "Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax a little bit..and he's got a new polithy: Adults only."

JERRY: "Adults only?"

KRAMER: "Yeah!!!"

JERRY: "What the hell's going on over there?"

KRAMER: "Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language."

JERRY: "You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist.

KRAMER: "He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly."

(Kramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to have it spill out on to the floor)

JERRY: "Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you."

KRAMER: "Well.. Aye can't hold the water."

(Jimmy comes in dribbling.)

JIMMY: "Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready."

KRAMER: "Hey Jimmy"

GEORGE: "Ha..harrr."

JIMMY: "Jimmy's got some new moves."

KRAMER: "Go Jimmy"

JIMMY: 'Check Jimmy out"

(Jimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back)

JIMMY: "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN."

(paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher.)

PARAMEDIC: (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction."

JIMMY: "Jimmy might have a compound fracture.. Jimmy's going into shock!!"

GEORGE: (angrily)"WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DROOL!"

KRAMER: "HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!"

JERRY: "Why are you taking this so personally?"

GEORGE: "BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!"

KRAMER: (cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY."

JIMMY: (as he gets taken out) "JIM....JIMMY WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER... JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO......"

KRAMER: "BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING."

[Kramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift shoes. He's trying to hail a cab.]

KRAMER: "HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!!"

(An elderly gentleman is after the same taxi.)

KRAMER: "Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to the driver) He's got it."

(The man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the slurred speech.)

DEENSFREI: (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it

KRAMER: "No,No...You were here first."

DEENSFREI: No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one."

KRAMER: "Lets share.. we share....Awight"

DEENSFREI: "Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea."

(Kramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab)

DEENSFREI: "My name is Arnold DEENSFREI:. What is your name?"

KRAMER: "Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you"

DEENSFREI: "Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home?

KRAMER: (like rainman)"Yeah! heading home."

DEENSFREI: "Good for you.....You are really independant."

KRAMER: "Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself"

[In a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is putting on the shoes.]

GEORGE: "Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!"

(George tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of inches off the ground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave.)

[Scene cuts to Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: (whose voice has returned to normal)" THE VELVET FOG!!!!"

JERRY: "What about the Velvet Fog ?"

ELAINE: (as she comes in) "What about the Velvet Fog?"

KRAMER: "Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table."

ELAINE: "I'm going to that!"

KRAMER: "I'm a guest of honor."

ELAINE: "What are you talking about?"

KRAMER: "Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..DEENSFREI:."

ELAINE: "Yeah, yeah! Arnold DEENSFREI:, he runs the AMCA "

KRAMER: "Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner."

ELAINE: "I know that but why are you going?"

KRAMER: "Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do."

ELAINE: "What you do!!. You don't do anything."

KRAMER: "Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Tormé

(Kramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.)

ELAINE: (pointing at the shoes) "What are those?"

KRAMER: "Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes."

JERRY: "Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab?"

KRAMER: "Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y."

JERRY: "Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling."

KRAMER: "What!!!"

ELAINE: "He thinks you're mentally challenged."

JERRY: "Well...........you know....."

ELAINE: "Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.?"

JERRY: "Not necessarily because....."

[Scene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting in the chair.]

WHATLEY: "Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please?"

(Whatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry.)

JERRY: "Oh! where's Jennifer today?"

WHATLEY: "OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office. We find it fun to swap now and then."

[Cuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating Kam Pau chicken.]

GEORGE: "Whhhoooo!!!!"(taps on his desk loudly)

(Phone rings.)

GEORGE: "Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear."

(Wilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone. He seems suspicious.)

GEORGE: ".....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back."

WILHELM: "So George. Have you heard anything about the missing equipment?"

GEORGE: "No!...not...nothing."

WILHELM: "George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar."

GEORGE: "Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization."

WILHELM: "Are you feeling all right George?"

GEORGE: "Hemmm!.. Fine!"

WILHELM: "You look a little warm."

GEORGE: "...It's the chicken"

WILHELM: "You're a terrible liar George. Look at you, you're a wreck!. you're sweating bullets."

GEORGE: "It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy."

[Back in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up , his vision blurred. He sees Whatley and Sheryl getting dressed.]

[Scene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking.]

ELAINE: "....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas."

JERRY: "I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!!"

ELAINE: "your shirt was out?"

JERRY: "I think so."

ELAINE: "Well, what kind of shirt was it.?"

JERRY: "You know! Like a tennis shirt."

ELAINE: "Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?"

JERRY: "Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't"

ELAINE: "Well. Were you tucked?"

JERRY: "I think I was tucked.!"

ELAINE: "All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.?"

JERRY: "I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow."

ELAINE: "Ughhhh"

JERRY: "Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?"

ELAINE: "What are you gettin'?"

JERRY: "I don't think I'm hungry:"

ELAINE: "Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single."

JERRY: " But I'm damaged goods now."

ELAINE: "Join the club."

JERRY: "Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.?"

ELAINE: "Oh yeah! Jimmy."

JERRY: "Jimmy?

ELAINE: "Ahum!"

JERRY: "That's the guy?"

ELAINE: "Yeah!"

JERRY: "Can't believe your going out with him..."

ELAINE: "Why?"

JERRY: "I dunno. He's so strange.'

ELAINE: "How so?"

JERRY: "Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later."

ELAINE: "No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number."

JERRY: "That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks."

ELAINE: "I'm going to go see Mel Tormé with him?"

JERRY: "Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.."

(George comes in and sits down with them)

GEORGE: "I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise."

JERRY: "Why?"

GEORGE: "'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau.."

JERRY: "I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,"

GEORGE: "George likes spicy chicken."

JERRY: "What's that?"

GEORGE: "....I like spicy chicken"

JERRY: "No no you said George likes spicy chicken."

GEORGE: "No I didn't"

ELAINE: "Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken..

JERRY: "You're turning in to Jimmy."

GEORGE: "George is getting upset.."

[Back at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches.]

JIMMY: "So what do you want to see Jimmy about?"

ELAINE: "Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy!"

JIMMY: "Huh uh..."

ELAINE: "About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding."

JIMMY: "Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding."

ELAINE: "Yeah. What happened was...."

JIMMY: "Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash."

ELAINE: (suddenly intrigued) "You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do. It's very unusual."

JIMMY: "Well, Jimmy's very unusual."

ELAINE: "Well anyway hum.... see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy......"

JIMMY: "Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank."

ELAINE: "Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through that again."

[Scene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit.]

KRAMER: "I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some?"

ELAINE: "Yeah!"

KRAMER: "What kind?"

ELAINE: "I don't care:"

(Jimmy walks in)

ELAINE: "Hey Jimmy!!"

JIMMY: "I Elaine."

ELAINE: "Elaine got a new dress."

JIMMY: "Jimmy likes it."

KRAMER: "There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy."

JIMMY: "Well look who's here."

KRAMER: "Whooo!"

JIMMY: "That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy."

KRAMER: "What!"

JIMMY: "That's the guy who took the bread out of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out of work because of you..

(Jimmy punches Kramer in the mouth.)

JIMMY: "Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting ensues and Jimmy gets taken out by hotel security)

JIMMY: "JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH

JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!!"

KRAMER: (Keamer's voice starts slurring again) "Yeah! My lips swollen?"

(Kramer sitting at the head table.)

KRAMER: "No No I've been living alone a long time now."

MEL: "Well I think that's the tops."

[We cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office.]

GEORGE: (knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?"

STEIN: "Yes George, come in ,come in. You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment."

GEORGE: "George would never do anything like that."

STEIN: 'No why would I. I own it."

GEORGE: "Right!"

STEIN: "So what are you saying?"

GEORGE: "Why would George steal from the Yankees?"

STEIN: 'He wouldn't."

GEORGE: " 'course not"

STEIN: "Exactly..................(mumbles) I don't what the hell's going on here."

GEORGE: "Sir?"

STEIN: "Nothing."

GEORGE: (energetically) "Well seems it's about time for George's lunch."

STEIN: "Yes it is. Well lets see what I have today. Darn it It's ham & Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake though. Hey look at this. you know I got a new system for eating these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own dessert.............

[Scene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit.]

MEL: "Ladies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate this song to a very courageous young man. (starts singing) "When you're smiling, When you're smiling... The whole world smiles with you... When you're laughin', When you're laughin' The sun comes shining through But when you're crying, You bring on the rain So stop that sign. Be happy again Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..

[On the street Jerry and Kramer.]

KRAMER: "Hey! Got the new Penthouse"

JERRY: "Where's my Mr. Goodbar?"

KRAMER: " Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ......... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered)

The End

S6E20 - The Doodle

Broadcast date: April 6, 1995

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Billye Ree Wallace .................. Nana

Christa Miller ......................... Paula

Dana Wheeler-Nicholson ...... Shelly

Guy Siner ............................. Mandel

Ellis E. Williams ..................... Karl

Coby Turner ........................ Judy

Wayne C. Dvorak ................ Teacher

Norman Brenner .................. Passerby

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

They call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them , y'know what I mean, they're bug realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these companies.

[Restaurant]

GEORGE: Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually met because of Elaine.

PAULA: Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school

GEORGE: ..And I went down there one time to see...

JERRY: (cuts in) A nude model.

GEORGE: If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.

JERRY: You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing.

GEORGE: Are you through?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's.

PAULA: George, I just like to doodle

(Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.)

GEORGE: Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth, she just spit them out.

JERRY: (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate?

SHELLY: Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them?

JERRY: Soo...

SHELLY: I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?

JERRY: No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..

SHELLY: Yeah!

JERRY: It's just...

SHELLY: Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to the ladies room.

PAULA: I'll join you.

JERRY: Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.

GEORGE: Well I've done that.

JERRY: Yeah, but with you it's intentional.

GEORGE: Haven't you kissed her?

JERRY: Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there.

(George stops a passing busboy)

GEORGE: Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.)

JERRY: AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.

GEORGE: This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.

JERRY: Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan.

GEORGE: Hehummm , Yeah!

JERRY: Thanks.

GEORGE: No problem.

(The girls return from the ladies room.)

SHELLY: Well Jerry , I guess we should get going .

JERRY: Ah! boy.

GEORGE: Well, it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful, there's a lot of nuts out there. (to Paula) All right you have everything?

PAULA: Can you grab my purse.

GEORGE: Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed.

[Monks, next day. George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked up]

JERRY: Yeah! So

GEORGE: Don't you see what this is?

JERRY: Yeah! It's a doodle.

GEORGE: Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted.

JERRY: Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.

GEORGE: I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.

JERRY: It's just a drawing.

GEORGE: Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this?

(Elaine walks in)

GEORGE: (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily)

ELAINE: What is with him?

JERRY: the usual

ELAINE: So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.

JERRY: Good for you

ELAINE: Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there, for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?

JERRY: Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room.

ELAINE: I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation

JERRY: Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.

ELAINE: ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.

JERRY: Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.

ELAINE: Hey. What's this.?.

JERRY: Don't ask.

ELAINE: What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo

JERRY: No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)

(George comes back)

ELAINE: It is..

GEORGE: You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine)

ELAINE: Sorry.

GEORGE: You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class?

ELAINE: Tomorrow .

GEORGE: All right, I want you to do me a favor.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: I want you to find out is she likes me.

ELAINE: Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself?

GEORGE: But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me.

JERRY: You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming....

[Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: Well, they're in...

JERRY: What's in?

KRAMER: The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!

JERRY: Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year..

KRAMER: Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste

JERRY: Nah, I don't wanna

KRAMER: Come on ,Just take a taste

JERRY: I don't want it..

KRAMER: Come on JUST TASTE!!!

JERRY: I DON'T WANT IT ....

KRAMER: HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!

JERRY: I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach.

KRAMER: Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis.

(Jerry scratches his ankle furiously)

JERRY: ..What is this?

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Yeah! I think I got flea bites.

KRAMER: Flea bites?

JERRY: Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up.

KRAMER: You got a dog?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Well, that is strange.

JERRY: How could I have fleas?

KRAMER: Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.

JERRY: What did you do about them?

KRAMER: What do you mean?...

[Jerry's parents come through the door.]

MORTY: Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer

HELEN: Hi Jerry......What's wrong?

JERRY: Nothing...

HELEN: Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?

JERRY: Mom, Dad.....I have fleas..

[Elaine's drawing class]

ELAINE: Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza?

PAULA: How did you know??

ELAINE: Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything.

PAULA: He said that?

ELAINE: Ha hum...Do you like George?

PAULA: Yeaaah! he's cool.

ELAINE: No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him?

PAULA: Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know?

TEACHER: Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?

ELAINE: (nods) HumHummmm....

(Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns around she makes a throwing up motion at Paula.)

[Later at Jerry's]

KARL: Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands.

JERRY: I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.

KARL: I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.

JERRY: I don't understand this..

KARL: I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.

JERRY: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town.

KARL: Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff, it's in the truck.

JERRY: Okay..

(Elaine comes in)

ELAINE: Hi....???

JERY: Bug guy.

ELAINE: Why do you have a bug guy?

JERRY: I have fleas.

ELAINE: Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas?

JERRY: I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet?

ELAINE: No....Oh No....

JERRY: Come on,c'mon

ELAINE: No, No...

JERRY: c'mon ,c'mon....

ELAINE: No, No...

JERRY: c'mon, c'mon....

ELAINE: No, No....Yesss!!!!!!

JERRY: Yes!!!

(Door buzzer)

JERRY: Yes!!!

GEORGE: yeah!

ELAINE: Well what about you. Where you gonna stay?

JERRY: I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident.

ELAINE: Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.

JERRY: Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em.

ELAINE: Yeah that's just some stuff about the company.

GEORGE: Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: So what did she say?

ELAINE: She...likes you..

GEORGE: She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that?

ELAINE: Ya!

GEORGE: Those were her exact words, I like George.

ELAINE: Yep!

GEORGE: Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?

ELAINE: For nothing..

GEORGE: ha Ha..

ELAINE: In fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her...

GEORGE: You see.....WHAT!!

ELAINE: Ah Oh!!

GEORGE: She said looks aren't important to her?

ELAINE: Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said....

GEORGE: She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.

JERRY: You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.

GEORGE: .....So what's your point?

JERRY: I dunno...

ELAINE: Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you.

GEORGE: Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?

JERRY: That'd be the fleas.

[At the Plaza Hotel]

JERRY: Hey!!!

MORTY: Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!

HELEN: Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice.

MORTY: Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts.

HELEN: Macadamian nuts?

MORTY: Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut.

HELEN: Jerry, are you sure this all right?

JERRY: Yeah! it's all taken care of.

MORTY: ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john here.

[Outside Elaine's building]

ELAINE: Judy .

JUDY: Hey!!!!.

ELAINE: Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press .

JUDY: It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript a good read.

ELAINE: Manuscript?

JUDY: Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to see that you can read an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.

ELAINE: Oooh!!

JUDY: Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career.

ELAINE: Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..

JUDY: Hey! What about lunch?

ELAINE: (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...

[Catches up with Jerry on the street.]

ELAINE: Thank god I found you..

JERRY: Oh! Hey!

ELAINE: You still got that Fedex?

JERRY: Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated.

ELAINE: No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place)

[Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation Do not enter"]

JERRY: You see?

ELAINE: Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..

JERRY: I told you to take it.

ELAINE: Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read...

JERRY: Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there.

(Kramer comes out of the apartment.)

KRAMER: I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.

JERRY: Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.

KRAMER: Toxic gas!!!

JERRY: Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes.

KRAMER: An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down.

ELAINE: My manuscript?

JERRY: How do you feel?

KRAMER: Now that you mention it , a little woozy.

ELAINE: Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript.

KRAMER: I'm not going back in there!!

ELAINE: all right then, where is it??

KRAMER: I left it on the coffee table or somethin'

JERRY: Well wh..wh.what are you doing?

ELAINE: I'm going in .

JERRY: Didn't you see the sign on the door?

KRAMER: Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl.

(Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. She goes to the coffee table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk then the dinner table. She runs out of air so she has to rush out.)

ELAINE: ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it?

KRAMER: Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen...

ELAINE: Okay... bathroom....kitchen.

JERRY: Can you get me a soda?

(Elaine goes back in)

KRAMER: Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building.

(Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives up.)

ELAINE: (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?

JERRY: I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.

ELAINE: I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't....

JERRY: Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?

ELAINE: Yeah!

JERRY: Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! I've got him.

[Newman's door . Jerry knocks]

JERRY: Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there.

NEWMAN: Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.

JERRY: There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it..

NEWMAN: Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...

JERRY: Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around)

NEWMAN: So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.

JERRY: You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....

NEWMAN: (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously)

[Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.]

MORTY: Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred bucks an hour but I'm telling ya he's worth every penny OOOOHH!

HELEN: I'm next.

MORTY: Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View.

LEO: I love these nuts.

NANA: This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder)

HELEN: Nana!!!

NANA: He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up

[On the street in front of a flower shop]

GEORGE: Hello..

PAULA: What's the matter?...

GEORGE: Well I spoke to Elaine...

PAULA: Hey! Look , no shave.

GEORGE: No...Why should that make any difference to you?

PAULA: It doesn't..

GEORGE: Of course not. You don't care what I look like.

PAULA: That's right I don't.

GEORGE: I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care?

PAULA: Not a wit.

GEORGE: Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too.

PAULA: You can wear sweatpants.

GEORGE: I could..

PAULA: (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care.

GEORGE: Velvet...

[Monks]

ELAINE: Did you read the whole thing?

KRAMER: Oh! yeah.

ELAINE: Huh . So What's it about?

KRAMER: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.

ELAINE: unbridled enthusiasm...?

KRAMER: Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

ELAINE: Oh! boy.

KRAMER: You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.

ELAINE: Oh! my God.

KRAMER: ah! Here we go.

ELAINE: (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks.

KRAMER: May I..( pointing her food)

ELAINE: (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.

KRAMER: what is this?

ELAINE: What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food)

KRAMER: I can't taste this.

ELAINE: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)

[At Shelly's]

JERRY: Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here.

SHELLY: Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

JERRY: ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..

SHELLY: What's the matter?

JERRY: I forgot my toothbrush.

SHELLY: Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.

JERRY: Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later.

SHELLY: Brush now.

JERRY: (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush)

[Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.]

KRAMER: Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..

NEWMAN: What for, you got your own.

KRAMER: Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw.

NEWMAN: ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.

KRAMER: Waited all year and I can't even taste it..

NEWMAN: You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me.

[At Viking Press.]

ELAINE: It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm .

MANDEL: Unbridled enthusiasm.

ELAINE: Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

MANDEL: hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been so enthusiastic he could have adverted disaster.

ELAINE: Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue.

MANDEL: So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics..

ELAINE: Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.

[Plaza Hotel]

MORTY: Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it?

LEO: No more nuts. Awrghh.....

[Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.]

JERRY: Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!

GEORGE: It's the real deal.

JERRY: She's seen you in this thing.

GEORGE: That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over.

JERRY: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

GEORGE: He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.

JERRY: Ahh! She threw me out.

GEORGE: Why?

JERRY: I wouldn't use her toothbrush.

GEORGE: So where are you staying?

JERRY: Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.

[At Viking again.]

MANDEL: Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.

ELAINE: Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas, it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks.

MANDEL: I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss Benes.

ELAINE: Okay...Good day..

[Monks again. George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.]

PAULA: Hi George.

GEORGE: ( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach?

PAULA: Oh! yeah I love those.

GEORGE: Too bad , it's all done.

(Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in disbelief , then disgust.)

[Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.]

KRAMER: ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today?

PASSERBY: The fifteenth.

KRAMER: Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman...

NEWMAN: Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit?

KRAMER: ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you.

(unleashes a dog; Dog proceeds to chase after Newman)

[Finally at The Plaza Hotel]

ELAINE: ( knocks) Hello is anybody here?..

LEO: They said they were sending an Asian woman.

ELAINE: Oh! my God.

The End

S6E21 - The Fusilli Jerry

Broadcast date: April 27, 1995

Written by Marjorie Gross

Story by Marjorie Gross & Jonathan Gross and Ron Hague & Charlie Rubin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Marla Sucharetza ................. Nancy

Lou Cutell ............................ Dr. Cooperman

Yvette Cruise ....................... Clerk

rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

==================================================================

[Opening Scene: Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building]

JERRY: I hear you're going out with David Putty.

ELAINE: Yeah. What, is it a problem?

JERRY: Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.

ELAINE: Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It has been a few years.

JERRY: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is obviously impossible.

ELAINE: Oh, god.

JERRY: The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big, muscular arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.

JERRY: All right.

[At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus]

GEORGE: Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping todays the day.

ESTELLE: So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur.

GEORGE: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is just torture.

ESTELLE: So, I'm getting an eye job.

GEORGE: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.

ESTELLE: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

GEORGE: No, you're not a divorcee. Youÿre just separated. You're---you're a separatee.

ESTELLE: Well, I'm out there, George.

GEORGE: No, you're not out there.

ESTELLE: I am, too!

GEORGE: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

ESTELLE: Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up.

GEORGE: Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run---

ESTELLE: This is the only time the doctor has.

(Kramer walks by their table on his way out)

GEORGE: Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat)

KRAMER: Hi, little buddy.

GEORGE: Come on over and sit down.

KRAMER: Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.

GEORGE: No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...

KRAMER: All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the cheek)

ESTELLE: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now.

GEORGE: She's not out there!

KRAMER: So, who is your doctor?

ESTELLE: Uh, Bakersoll.

KRAMER: (whistles). He's good. He's very good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

GEORGE: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?

KRAMER: Tuesday? Uh...

GEORGE: Why doesn't he pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.

ESTELLE: Oh, I don't care.

KRAMER: Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.

GEORGE: Well, giddy-up!

[At the motor vehicle bureau...]

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.

CLERK: Kramer.... (checks computer) All right...

KRAMER: All righty...

CLERK: Sign right here, please. (hands over clipboard)

KRAMER: (signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.

CLERK: What's your name again?

KRAMER: Cosmo Kramer.

CLERK: (checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. You are the Assman.

KRAMER: No! I'm not the Assman.

CLERK: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

(Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates attached)

[Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand, is looking somewhat, preoccupied]

DAVID: How do you feel?

ELAINE: Fine.

DAVID: Something the matter?

ELAINE: No.

DAVID: Then what is it?

ELAINE: No, nothing.

[Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at the booth]

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: I was with David Putty last night.

JERRY: Yeah, so.

ELAINE: He did the move.

JERRY: What move?

ELAINE: You know...the move.

JERRY: Wait a second. My move?

(Elaine nods).

JERRY: David Putty used my move?

ELAINE: Yes, yes.

JERRY: Are you sure?

ELAINE: Jerry! There is no confusing that move with any other move.

JERRY: I can't believe it. He stole my move.

ELAINE: What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had quite a little chat!

JERRY: Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.

ELAINE: Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?

JERRY: Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.

ELAINE: Well, wait---wait a second.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Isn't that a little...rash?

JERRY: No! He stole my move!

ELAINE: Yeah, but...I like the move.

JERRY: Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.

ELAINE: Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the swirl!

JERRY: Oh, yeah. The pinch. I've done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole repertoire could be lifted.

ELAINE: You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.

JERRY: I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.

[Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar at the newsstand]

JERRY: ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.

GEORGE: You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell me? I need a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite.

JERRY: Can I just get it opened first?

GEORGE: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.

JERRY: All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar).

GEORGE: (takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good.

JERRY: You feel better?

GEORGE: Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need something. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making.

JERRY: Nancy Klopper?

GEORGE: Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. Something. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it.

JERRY: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before---

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.

JERRY: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a conscientious way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---

GEORGE: You're gonna tell me...or not.

JERRY: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard.

GEORGE: I got a headboard.

JERRY: Is it padded?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Good. How tall is she?

GEORGE: Five-foot four. Why?

JERRY: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.

GEORGE: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.

JERRY: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.

[Back at Jerry's apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject]

JERRY: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. I feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.

GEORGE: Is it a clockwise swirl?

JERRY: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.

(Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind).

KRAMER: Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).

JERRY: What is it?

KRAMER: Fusilli Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

JERRY: When did you do this?

KRAMER: In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.

JERRY: Oh... Why Fusilli?

KRAMER: Because you're silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah...

JERRY: Well, thank you very much.

GEORGE: So, did you get your new plates?

KRAMER: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

GEORGE: What do they say?

KRAMER: Assman.

JERRY: Assman?

KRAMER: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

JERRY: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

GEORGE: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

JERRY: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

KRAMER: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

JERRY: Yeah. Proctologist.

GEORGE: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

KRAMER: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

(A phone rings in the distant)

KRAMER: Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)

GEORGE: So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry)

JERRY: I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.

[We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in]

JERRY: Hey, David.

DAVID: Oh, hi, Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.

DAVID: What move?

JERRY: What move? My move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.

DAVID: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.

JERRY: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had nothing.

DAVID: Oh, that ending was so obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.

JERRY: Swirl.

DAVID: Whatever. I don't even do it.

JERRY: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the pinch.

DAVID: Yeah, that's right.

JERRY: You can't come up with your own stuff , so you steal other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.

DAVID: Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.

JERRY: Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city.

DAVID: All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take that out of town.

JERRY: Fine.

DAVID: Good!

[While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking noise]

[We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.]

NANCY: Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath the covers) What are you doing?

GEORGE: (pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you.

NANCY: Well, stop it!

GEORGE: You don't like the move?

NANCY: No. I don't.

GEORGE: You're kidding.

NANCY: No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body.

GEORGE: Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.

[Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...]

ELAINE: Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!

DAVID: No, I'm sorry.

ELAINE: What?!!

DAVID: I can't do the move.

ELAINE: What?

DAVID: Oh, he's ruined it for me.

ELAINE: Oh, oh, come on, please?

DAVID: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.

ELAINE: Oh, so---so that's it?

DAVID: I'll come up with some new stuff.

[Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield and reads it...]

KRAMER: "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car).

(Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office)

DR. BAKERSOLL: I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at least ten day. You can ruin the operation.

ESTELLE: Oh, okay.

DR. BAKERSOLL: Now, is someone coming to pick you up?

ESTELLE: Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute.

[In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only" space]

SECURITY GUARD: Can I help you?

KRAMER: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology.

SECURITY GUARD: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...

KRAMER: Thanks. Have a good day.

[Kramer is driving Estelle home]

KRAMER: I just can't get over how fantastic you look.

ESTELLE: Oh, really?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.

ESTELLE: And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages.

(As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the Assman!" Kramer waves).

ESTELLE: Did he say "Assman"?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

ESTELLE: Oh my goodness.

(Another car passes: "Hey, the Assman's in town!")

KRAMER: You got that straight!

ESTELLE: Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.

(Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm out in front of Estelle.)

[Back to Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: You must have done something wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl?

GEORGE: Supposed to close with the swirl?

JERRY: Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.

(Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it)

JERRY: Yeah?

BUZZER: Elaine.

JERRY: C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.

(The phone rings)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.

GEORGE: What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.

JERRY: Except that it's not Putty.

GEORGE: What happened to Putty?

JERRY: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.

GEORGE: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."

(Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved)

JERRY: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, hello.

JERRY: Is it something I said?

ELAINE: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.

JERRY: Really?

ELAINE: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.

JERRY: What is it?

ELAINE: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes nowhere.

JERRY: Huh.

ELAINE: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!

GEORGE: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way?

ELAINE: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.

GEORGE: I think that's mine.

ELAINE: I'm not surprised.

JERRY: Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him?

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me.

ELAINE: An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?

JERRY: Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order)

ELAINE: (takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this?

JERRY: That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.

ELAINE: Fusilli Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah. Kramer made it.

GEORGE: All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.

(As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion)

JERRY: Hey, Assman!

KRAMER: Hey, well, this is Sally.

SALLY: Hello.

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi.

KRAMER: Shall we go?

SALLY: Okay. (turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her hips)

(Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face)

[Back at the Costanzas' house...]

ESTELLE: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.

FRANK: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel vigorous.

ESTELLE: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.

FRANK: I got things to do, too.

ESTELLE: Don't upset me! I can't cry!

FRANK: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?

ESTELLE: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.

FRANK: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.

ESTELLE: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.

FRANK: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!

[Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do best]

ELAINE: Hey, let me ask you a question.

DAVID: Sure.

ELAINE: What do you charge for blown shocks?

DAVID: What?

ELAINE: Two, three hundred?

DAVID: I don't know. Maybe five hundred.

ELAINE: Ah.

(They go back to kissing)

ELAINE: What about a bad gasket?

DAVID: Bad gasket?

ELAINE: Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.

DAVID: What is all this?

ELAINE: Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.

DAVID: What kind of car is it?

ELAINE: Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.

DAVID: All together, that could run about sixteen hundred.

ELAINE: Oh.

(Kiss again)

ELAINE: Is that with the parts and labor?

DAVID: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: Hmm.

(Kiss...again)

ELAINE: Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle....

[Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly surprised...]

NANCY: Wow. That was...great. I mean...wow.

GEORGE: It just came to me.

NANCY: I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that?

GEORGE: You mean in the end?

NANCY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: A counter-clockwise swirl.

(Spotting something on George's hand)

NANCY: What's that?

GEORGE: What?

NANCY: On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand.

GEORGE: Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.

NANCY: Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna see what's on your hand.

(They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries to make out the scribble)

NANCY: Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?!!

GEORGE: It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.

NANCY: Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of bed)

GEORGE: You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!

[Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out the plates]

FRANK: Assman? I'll get him, Assman!

(Back to Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? Ooh, they are ripping me off.

ELAINE: So what are you going to do?

JERRY: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.

ELAINE: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?

JERRY: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

(There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it)

JERRY: Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?

FRANK: Where's your friend Kramer?

JERRY: I don't know. Why?

FRANK: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.

JERRY: What do you mean?

FRANK: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I stopped short.

JERRY: Really, stopping short. That's a good move.

FRANK: You're not kidding it's a good move!

(Kramer walks in.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey, Frank.

FRANK: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife!

KRAMER: C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.

(Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor)

FRANK: You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the profits on the Manssierre with you.

KRAMER: Bro.

FRANK: Manssierre!

KRAMER: Bro!

FRANK: Manssierre! You...!

(Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right on top of the Fusilli Jerry)

FRANK: Aah!!!

JERRY: Oh, my god!

(Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that very moment)

[At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word on Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock

JERRY: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.

ELAINE: Me either.

GEORGE: They say this guy's the best.

JERRY: He had to use cork-screw pasta.

(At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots something...)

KRAMER: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

(Jerry joins him)

KRAMER: The name on the boat. Look at it.

JERRY: Assman!

KRAMER: Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, he's the Assman!

(The doctor walks in)

DOCTOR: Which one is the son?

GEORGE: (stands up) I am.

DOCTOR: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine.

(Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.)

KRAMER: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?

DR. COOPERMAN: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.

KRAMER: So...you're the Assman.

(Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting)

FRANK: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.

[Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in]

ESTELLE: Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!

FRANK: I fell on some Fusilli.

ESTELLE: Fusilli?

FRANK: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.

ESTELLE: The proctologist? Are you okay?

FRANK: Yeah.

ESTELLE: Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple of tissues from the box)

GEORGE: Ma, don't cry!

ESTELLE: Oh, I can't help it!

GEORGE: Ma, your eyes!

ESTELLE: Oh!

The End

S6E22 - The Diplomat's Club

Broadcast date: May 4, 1995

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tom Wright ......................... Mr. Morgan

Robert Hooks ...................... Joe

Debra Jo Rupp ..................... Katie

Kim Zimmer ......................... Lenore

O'Neal Compton ................. Earl

Ellis E. Williams .................... Karl, the exterminator

John Cothran Jr. .................. Man

William B. Jackson ................ Doctor

Christine Cattell ................... Stewardess

Diana Theodore ................... Remy

Berta Maria Waagfjord ........ Bridgette

Mark Wheatle ...................... Waiter

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc:  Ian Abercrombie ............ Mr. Pitt

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry is talking on the phone]

JERRY: What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)

ELAINE: Is that the supermodel?

JERRY: Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours.

ELAINE: I thought you had a show in Ithaca.

JERRY: I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.

ELAINE: Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.

JERRY: So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.

ELAINE: I've had enough. I am marchin' in.

JERRY: You're marchin' in.

ELAINE: I'm marchin'. (Enter George)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. Elaine's quitting.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: I'm marchin' in.

GEORGE: I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.

JERRY: How 'bout the march out?

GEORGE: Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.

ELAINE: This is it. Wish me luck.

JERRY: Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)

GEORGE: Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.

JERRY: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?

GEORGE: It better be.

[Mr. Pitt's office, Elaine enters and Mr. Pitt is sitting at his desk.]

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.

PITT: One second Elaine.

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt...

PITT: Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary.

ELAINE: What?

PITT: Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone.

ELAINE: (Flattered) Mr. Pitt...

PITT: (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?

ELAINE: Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,

PITT: Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.

ELAINE: We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time.

[At the Yankee's office]

GEORGE: (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?

MORGAN: Why?

GEORGE: Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time.

MORGAN: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

GEORGE: No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...

[Mr. Pitt's]

ELAINE: Oh my God.

WOMAN: Who are you?

PITT: This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...

MAN: Please, rest Mr. Pitt.

WOMAN: You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?

ELAINE: Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen?

MAN: Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and these other pills.

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.

PITT: I spoke to someone who worked there.

ELAINE: I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)

WOMAN: How well do you know her?

[Jerry and Katie sitting in the plane]

KATE: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-

JERRY: Yes, I know. I've flown before.

KATE: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?

JERRY: No.

KATE: (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off.

[Airport, Kramer and a man sitting]

KRAMER: Hey, how you doin'?

EARL: Pretty good.

KRAMER: Name's Kramer.

EARL: Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed?

KRAMER: Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving.

EARL: Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston.

KRAMER: Bet? Um, not betting.

EARL: Friendly wager.

KRAMER: I haven't made a bet in three years, I-

EARL: Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.

KRAMER: Okay, how much?

EARL: How 'bout 200?

KRAMER: You're on, cowboy!

[On street, George and another man pick up newspaper]

GEORGE: How ya doin'?

MAN: Okay.

GEORGE: Nice day today.

MAN: What?

GEORGE: I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?

(Man gets newspaper and leaves)

[At the airport...]

INTERCOM: Now arriving at gate 12...

EARL: This could be Mexico City.

KRAMER: C'mon Seattle, let's go.

EARL: Come on, Mexico City!

KRAMER: Seattle, yeah!

INTERCOM: ...flight 42 from Mexico City.

KRAMER: All right, c'mon, let's go again.

[At Mr. Pitt's...]

ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?

PITT: No.

ELAINE: You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?

PITT: Okay.

(Elaine goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker enters looking scared. Elaine waves.)

[Backstage at Comedy Club in Ithaca]

KATE: It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week.

JERRY: I don't care.

KATE: By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.

JERRY: Who?

KATE: Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show.

JERRY: I don't care, why are you telling me this?

KATE: I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.

JERRY: Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...

Off stage: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)

JERRY: Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I..

[George walking down street. He sees a man and tries to help him with groceries. Man walks away.]

[Comedy club]

KATE: It didn't go very well, did it?

JERRY: No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out.

KATE: I knew it.

JERRY: If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.

KATE: Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.

JERRY: Oh, it doesn't matter now.

KATE: Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.

JERRY: Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!

[Airport... ]

EARL: Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check?

KRAMER: All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.

EARL: All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.

KRAMER: All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)

NEWMAN: Hello?

KRAMER: Yeah, it's, uh, me.

NEWMAN: Hey, what's up?

KRAMER: All right, listen. I need some cash.

NEWMAN: What for?

KRAMER: I just need it, that's all.

NEWMAN: Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you?

KRAMER: I'm at the airport.

NEWMAN: The airport?

KRAMER: We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.

NEWMAN: I don't have that kinda dough.

KRAMER: Sure you do.

NEWMAN: Oh no, no, not the bag!

KRAMER: Oh help me man, I'm desperate!

NEWMAN: All right, all right.

[Airplane...]

INTERCOM: Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...

JERRY: (To Katie) What is the complication?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Mr. Seinfeld?

JERRY: Yes?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.

JERRY: What?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.

KATE: I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.

JERRY: I didn't care.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.

JERRY: He can't just throw me off the plane!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.

JERRY: But I'm not a disturbance!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.

JERRY: But someone is waiting for me!

KATE: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.

JERRY: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

[Airport in Ithaca]

KATE: There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want?

JERRY: Which one do you think I want?

KATE: The eight will get you in a little earlier.

JERRY: Then we'll make it the eight.

KATE: I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]

JERRY: Hotel?

KATE: Yeah, it's eight in the morning.

JERRY: No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.

KATE: Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?

JERRY: I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?

KATE: Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)

(Jerry calls George)

GEORGE: Yo.

JERRY: George.

GEORGE: Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?

JERRY: I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club...

GEORGE: Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?

JERRY: Carl, I think.

GEORGE: Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.

JERRY: Yeah, he was nice.

GEORGE: What company was it?

JERRY: Defent.

GEORGE: Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...

JERRY: You need an exterminator?

GEORGE: No, not really.

JERRY: Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?

GEORGE: Gotta go.

JERRY: George, George!

[Mr. Pitt's, Jerry is on the phone with Ms. Walker]

JERRY: Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?

WOMAN: Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.

ELAINE: Hello?

JERRY: Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late.

ELAINE: That's at the airport, right?

JERRY: Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.

ELAINE: All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.

JERRY: I am a little freaked out!

ELAINE: Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)

JERRY: All right, but you have to go now.

ELAINE: I said I'll take care of it!

[Newman arrives at the airport with a bag]

NEWMAN: Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey.

NEWMAN: Okay, here it is.

KRAMER: Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.

EARL: So it's a mailbag, so what?

NEWMAN: So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?

EARL: (Reading) David Berkowitz.

NEWMAN: Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

EARL: Where did you get this?

NEWMAN: I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.

EARL: Any of 'em talk to you?

NEWMAN: Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!

EARL: (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.

KRAMER: Yeah, don't I know it.

EARL: Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like?

KRAMER: All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?

EARL: All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.

KRAMER: Double or nothin'.

EARL: Double or nothin'.

NEWMAN: I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence)

[In rental car... Katie is driving and Jerry is asleep]

JERRY: (Wakes up) Where are we?

KATE: I'm not sure.

JERRY: Is this even a road?

KATE: Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.

JERRY: What? Why didn't you wake me up?

KATE: You told me not to bother you with minor details.

JERRY: No, road is a major detail!

KATE: Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?

JERRY: (Pointing ahead) Look out!

[At George's office, Carl enters]

GEORGE: May I help you?

CARL: I'm the exterminator.

GEORGE: Oh, yes of course, come in.

CARL: Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?

GEORGE: Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?

CARL: Do I know you?

GEORGE: Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there.

CARL: Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?

GEORGE: Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in?

PHONE: Mr. Morgan left for dinner.

GEORGE: He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?

[Mr. Pitt's. Pitt is in bed with Ms. Walker standing beside him. The T.V. is on.]

TV: Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.

JERRY: That's it! No more questions! I don't care!

PITT: That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist.

WOMANEWMAN: Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)

[At the restaurant, George and Carl enter. They see Mr. Morgan.]

GEORGE: (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.

CARL: I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)

GEORGE: That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.

[Airport, Kramer is smoking a cigar]

EARL: Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.

KRAMER: Yeah, he was.

EARL: I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable?

KRAMER: Oh I accept.

NEWMANEWMAN: (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated.

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Kramer.

KRAMER: Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?

ELAINE: Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca?

EARL: What about the plane in Ithaca?

ELAINE: Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?

KRAMER: Boy...

EARL: Your friend caused the delay?

ELAINE: Uh huh.

EARL: You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.

KRAMER: C'mon!

EARL: See you around, Cosmo.

KRAMER: What?

[Mr. Pitt's...]

ELAINE: Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!

PITT: You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.

ELAINE: Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)

[Airport, Jerry enters]

JERRY: Bridget!

BRIDGET: Jerry, what happened?

JERRY: Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together.

BRIDGET: Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.

JERRY: Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!

[Restaurant]

GEORGE: I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time.

MORGANEWMAN: Is that right?

CARL: Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen.

MORGANEWMAN: (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)

GEORGE: Check, please.

WAITER: Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.

GEORGE: Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!

The End

S6E23 - The Face Painter

Broadcast date: May 11, 1995

Written by Larry David

Story by Larry David & Fred Stoller

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Katy Selverstone ................. Siena

Mark DeCarlo ..................... Alec Berg

Raye Birk ............................ Mr. Pless

Pierrino Mascarino .............. Father Hernandez

Joe Lala ............................... Priest

Peggy Lane O'Rourke ........ Waitress

David Richardson ............... Fan #1

Dave Powledge .................. Fan #2

Jan Eddy ............................ Fan #3

Lawrence LeJohn ............... Crowd Member

Fred Stoller.......................... Crowd Member (uncredited cameo)

rc:  Patrick Warburton ........ David Puddy

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're so close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe that is the next logical step for me, because I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry g-forces.

[George and his date are talking in his car.]

GEORGE: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do?

SIENA: That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.

GEORGE: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.

SIENA: Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do?

GEORGE: It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be.

SIENA: Wow.

GEORGE: You find this interesting, don't you?

SIENA: Yes. yes, I do.

(They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.)

[Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: (to the busboy) Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.

JERRY: What are you telling him for?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?

ELAINE: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?

JERRY: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?

ELAINE: Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?

JERRY: Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.

ELAINE: I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.

JERRY: John Houseman?

ELAINE: No, Alec Berg.

ALEC: (approaching) Elaine!

ELAINE: Hi!

ALEC: Hi, how are you? Jerry.

JERRY: Hi, Alec.

ALEC: Did you hear about Gary Fogel?

JERRY: Yeah.

ALEC: You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?

JERRY: Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats right behind the glass?

ALEC: Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.

JERRY: Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?

ALEC: Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything.

JERRY: Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!

ALEC: It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know.

JERRY: Alright, thanks again.

ELAINE: Thank you very much.

JERRY: Really, thank you.

[Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.]

JERRY: Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?

ELAINE: Who?

JERRY: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

ELAINE: I will never understand people.

JERRY: They're the worst.

(George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.)

GEORGE: Something's up, there's something in the air.

JERRY: Well, what is with you?

GEORGE: Well, I think this is it.

ELAINE: What's it?

GEORGE: I saw Siena again.

ELAINE: Siena?

JERRY: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

GEORGE: We discussed toilet paper.

JERRY: Toilet paper?

GEORGE: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!

JERRY: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Toilet paper's changed.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: It's softer.

ELAINE: Softer.

JERRY: More sheets per roll

ELAINE: Sheets.

JERRY: Comes in a wide variety of colors.

ELAINE: Colors.

GEORGE: Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.

JERRY: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?

GEORGE: Fifty-fifty.

JERRY: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there.

GEORGE: Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it?

ELAINE: What, you never said it?

GEORGE: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.

JERRY: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff game tonight!

KRAMER: Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!

JERRY: What about you, George?

GEORGE: Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date.

KRAMER: So, so.

GEORGE: Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than go to the game.

KRAMER: She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah.

JERRY: Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?

ELAINE: Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan.

JERRY: Sure, fine with me.

GEORGE: Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer.

KRAMER: So she works at the zoo?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade.

[Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while he gets ready.]

ELAINE: So how long have you been a Devils' fan?

PUDDY: (off camera) Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.

PUDDY: Hey, no way, man.

ELAINE: Yes.

PUDDY: We're primed.

ELAINE: Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.

(Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint all over his face.)

ELAINE: What the--

PUDDY: So what do you think?

ELAINE: What is that?

PUDDY: I painted my face.

ELAINE: (still in disbelief) You painted your face?

PUDDY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Why?

PUDDY: You know, support the team.

ELAINE: Well, you can't walk around like that.

PUDDY: Why not?

ELAINE: Because it's insane?

PUDDY: Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there, this is the playoffs.

(There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and Kramer. Kramer enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's painted face. He recovers quickly.)

KRAMER: Hey.

PUDDY: Hey.

ELAINE: Dave, um, painted his face.

KRAMER: Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team.

PUDDY: Ok, ready to go?

KRAMER: Yeah.

PUDDY: (startlingly loud) LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! Go Devils!! Let's go Devils!!

[Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three are seated, Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action in his corner.]

PUDDY: You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier!

FAN #1: Will you sit down?

PUDDY: Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team.

ELAINE: Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down!

PUDDY: Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with their heads.

(Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging the glass.)

PUDDY: Go Devils!!

[George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening to the hockey game on the radio.]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from just inside the blue line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume)

GEORGE: You know, I could have actually gone to that.

SIENA: So why didn't you?

GEORGE: Well, I didn't want to break our date.

SIENA: Oh, well.

GEORGE: Because I... I love you.

SIENA: You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

[Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after the game. The Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating.]

PUDDY: Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't get it out of your zone all night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!

KRAMER: Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street) Watch out!

(The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest in the passenger seat.)

PUDDY: (pounding the hood) Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The Devils!! Haaaa!!!

(Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken.)

FATHER HERNANDEZ: El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

GEORGE: Yup.

JERRY: Big matzoh ball.

GEORGE: Huge matzoh ball.

JERRY: Those damn 'I love you' returns.

GEORGE: Well, it's all over. I slipped up.

JERRY: Oh, you don't know.

GEORGE: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.".

JERRY: Unless you're married.

GEORGE: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.

JERRY: No, people hate that.

GEORGE: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.

JERRY: Ideally.

GEORGE: I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.

WAITRESS: Matzoh ball soup?

GEORGE: That'd be me.

[Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon as Jerry closes the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment, Kramer walks in.]

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?

JERRY: No question about it.

KRAMER: Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend.

JERRY: At the zoo?

KRAMER: Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I whap let him have it.

JERRY: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?

KRAMER: Well, he started it!

JERRY: It's a monkey, Kramer!

KRAMER: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.

JERRY: Well, I still think it's wrong.

KRAMER: Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead.

JERRY: I'm not taking anyone's side.

KRAMER: (walking out) Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?

JERRY: What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?

KRAMER: Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.

JERRY: No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over thanking.

KRAMER: Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.

JERRY: Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.

KRAMER: Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.

JERRY: Ah, you're out of your mind.

KRAMER: Alright, where you going?

JERRY: I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.

KRAMER: Who died?

JERRY: Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the toupee?

KRAMER: So he actually had it?

JERRY: No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.

[Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's funeral.]

ELAINE: That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.

JERRY: The one Puddy screamed at in the car?

ELAINE: Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.

JERRY: Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.

ELAINE: I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?

JERRY: Gotta support the team.

(Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit.)

ELAINE: You know I really hate my clothes.

JERRY: Hm.

ELAINE: I open up my closet, there's just nothing.

JERRY: Hm.

ELAINE: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.

JERRY: Hm.

ELAINE: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.

JERRY: (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!

(Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat.)

JERRY: Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that?

[Kramer is in the office at the zoo.]

MR. PLESS: Ah, Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: Yes.

MR. PLESS: Thanks for coming.

KRAMER: So, uh, what did you want to see me about?

MR. PLESS: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.

KRAMER: Barry?

MR. PLESS: The chimpanzee.

KRAMER: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?

MR. PLESS: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day.

KRAMER: So, so what do you want me to do?

MR. PLESS: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.

KRAMER: Yeah, well he started it.

MR. PLESS: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.

KRAMER: So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--

SIENA: Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go feed the marmosets.

KRAMER: (to Siena as she's walking out, but she appears to ignore) You know George really likes you.

MR. PLESS: She doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.

KRAMER: Oh.

[Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'?

GEORGE: Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.

GEORGE: Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.

GEORGE: Girlfriend, yeah, right.

KRAMER: Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.

GEORGE: Barry?

KRAMER: The monkey.

JERRY: Well?

KRAMER: Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.

JERRY: Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.

KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear. What, you didn't know that?

GEORGE: Oh my god.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!

JERRY: Are you gonna say it again?

GEORGE: That's the question, Jimmy.

[Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has passed.]

GEORGE: I'm gonna do it.

JERRY: What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again.

GEORGE: I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!

(George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: What's going on?

JERRY: He's gonna talk into her other ear.

KRAMER: Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?

JERRY: Yeah, I saw him.

KRAMER: Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?

JERRY: Well, not exactly.

KRAMER: He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.

JERRY: I don't know if he's mad.

KRAMER: Alright, so what happened when you saw him?

JERRY: Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral.

KRAMER: Uh huh.

JERRY: See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.

KRAMER: See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!

JERRY: Look, what do you want me to do?

KRAMER: I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'!

JERRY: No. No, I can't!

KRAMER: Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!

JERRY: Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.

KRAMER: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!

[Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment.]

PUDDY: Hey, great dip. You made this?

ELAINE: No, it's from the store.

PUDDY: Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that.

ELAINE: David? David, I think we aught to talk.

PUDDY: Alright, that's cool.

ELAINE: David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

PUDDY: You gotta be kidding, how come?

ELAINE: Well, you see, David, you're a face painter.

PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.

ELAINE: Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.

PUDDY: Well, alright, so you don't like the face painting, I just won't paint it anymore.

ELAINE: Yeah, but you like the face painting.

PUDDY: Well, I don't need to do it. It's not like a habit or anything.

ELAINE: Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?

PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.

ELAINE: That's so, that's so sweet.

PUDDY: Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta go home and get changed before the game. I'll be back, we'll make out.

[George and Siena are making out in his car.]

GEORGE: Siena, I love you.

SIENA: Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time.

GEORGE: Yeah. Just confirming.

[Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call. The phone rings, Jerry answers.]

JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye.

[Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey.]

KRAMER: Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper and I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize. Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started it. I mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and god forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings?

(Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his jacket. Kramer

gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage bars.)

[Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons his shirt and notices something peculiar.]

ELAINE: What is that?

PUDDY: That's the letter 'D'.

ELAINE: Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest?

PUDDY: Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.

ELAINE: But you said no more painting.

PUDDY: No, I said no more face painting, and as you can see this is not my face.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's right.

[Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Well? Did he call?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!

JERRY: Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?

ALEC: What can I do for you, Jerry?

JERRY: Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets from the other night.

ALEC: I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets for tonight.

JERRY: Oh, you already gave them away?

ALEC: Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats. If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.

JERRY: No, we don't care, we just want to go.

ALEC: There is one little catch, though.

[Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils playoff game tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where Puddy, Jerry and Kramer are seated, shirtless.]

PUDDY: Hey, great game, huh?

(The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags Jerry and Kramer to their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his chest, Kramer has a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L' and 'S' rise alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and Kramer who stand silent.)

[The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is at his bedside.]

PRIEST: Father Hernandez?

FATHER HERNANDEZ: Huh?

PRIEST: Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice que tiene informacion muy importante, y que te puede ayudar. (Subtitled: "A woman here to see you, she has important information that could be helpful to you.")

FATHER HERNANDEZ: Bueno.

PRIEST: Al fini finalmente paró el llover. (Subtitled: "Finally it stopped raining.")

FATHER HERNANDEZ: Aha, bueno.

(The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white raincoat with a hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight coming through the window.)

ELAINE: Hello father.

FATHER HERNANDEZ: Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo estoy lista!

The End

S6E24 - The Understudy

Broadcast date: May 18, 1995

Written by Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bette Midler ............................. Herself

June Kyoko Lu ........................ Ruby

Amy Hill .................................. Kim

Adelaide Miller ........................ Gennice

Bok Yun Chon ......................... Lotus

Vonnie C. Rhee ........................ Sunny

Craig Thomas .......................... Player #1

Michael James McDonald ........ Player #2

Lou DiMaggio ......................... Stagehand

Jason Beck ............................... Umpire

Bob Shaw ................................ Cabbie

Johnny Silver ........................... Vendor #1

William Bastiani ....................... Vendor #2

rc: Jerry Stiller ......................... Frank Costanza

rc: John O'Hurley .................... J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Music from the movie "Beaches" playing on TV in the background)… "You'll never know ….]

GENNICE: (Crying) (sob sob)

JERRY: (To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't.

[Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. What, what do you do in a situation like that?

GEORGE: Where were you?

JERRY: I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch.

GEORGE: Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what.

JERRY: Of course.

GEORGE: When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches", moving from the chair to the couch , . . . that's quite a voyage.

JERRY: yeah,

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey. I gotta go.

KRAMER: Where you going?

JERRY: The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical.

KRAMER: Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?

JERRY: She might be. She's the star of the show.

KRAMER: Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.

GEORGE: I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan.

KRAMER: So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.

GEORGE: Gennice palying today?

JERRY: Yeah, maybe.

KRAMER: Who's Gennice?

JERRY: That's the understudy. I'm dating her.

KRAMER: Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.

JERRY: I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say.

GEORGE: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem.

JERRY: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing…real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.

[Ruby's Nail Parlor  - Korean language in quotes]

RUBY: You late.

ELAINE: I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus

RUBY: "That's a shame". You'll have to wait for Lotus now.

ELAINE: How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things to do.

RUBY: "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. Princess in a big hurry." "No change for bus" "Poor princess."

ELAINE: What?, uh?

RUBY: Nothing, won't be long.

LOTUS: "Princess wants a manicure."

SUNNY: "Oh lucky me."

LOTUS: "Oh, you got the princess."

ELAINE: What is so funny?

RUBY: …tell knock-knock joke.

[Baseball diamond in the park]

ELAINE: The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog.

JERRY: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.

ELAINE: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at me…ge ge ge

KRAMER: You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't an insult. Could be like the word "fox" to us. Oh, she's a DOG!

JERRY: Why don't you go to another nail shop?

ELAINE: Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

JERRY: What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying.

ELAINE: Yeah, who speaks Korean?

JERRY: You know who speaks Korean?

ELAINE: No, who?

JERRY: George's father.

ELAINE: You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean?

JERRY: He used to go there a lot on business.

ELAINE: What did he do?

JERRY: He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea.

ELAINE: Uh,

JERRY: George, does your father speak Korean?

GEORGE: Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon.

JERRY: Oh, hi Gennice.

GENNICE: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: This is George, this is Kramer.

GENNICE: Nice to meet you.

JERRY: Playing today?

GENNICE: No. I'm on the bench today.

JERRY: They really stick to that understudy rule.

KRAMER: So she's coming?

GENNICE: Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob)

JERRY: It's okay…it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay.

GENNICE: No it (sob) was really good.

(Crowd yelling - Bette arrives)

KRAMER: Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.

BETTE: Hi.

KRAMER: Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful.

BETTE: Uh, thank you.

KRAMER: Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done.

BETTE: Really?

KRAMER: Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here.

BETTE: What flavours do they have?

KRAMER: Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.

BETTE: How about Pineapple?

KRAMER: Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back.

[First Italian ice cream seller]

ICE CREAM VENDER #1: No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and Tutti-Frutti

KRAMER: Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves)

[Monk's]

ELAINE: Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean?

FRANK: I once talked to the reverend Yung Son Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy.

ELAINE: uh, ha.

FRANK: Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig apple pie.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want.

FRANK: No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I've got a foot odour problem.

(Baseball diamond- Bette at bat)

GEORGE: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. …(wings?) … Give me a break.

BETTE: Get some talent then you can mouth off.

UMPIRE: Strike three.

BETTE: What? Are you blind?

UMPIRE: What?

BETTE: Nothing, nothing.

[Monk's]

FRANK: I had an affair with a Korean woman.

ELAINE: Uh, Mr. Costanza, I …

FRANK: No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply. But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me.

ELAINE: Mr. Costanza, I, …

FRANK: Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the foot odour problem. Her father would look at me and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy".

[On Street]

ICE CREAM VENDER #2: Sure I got Pineapple.

(Kramer runs back with it)

[Baseball diamond - George at bat]

BETTE: Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on special today!

JERRY: Come on George, just loosen up.

(George hits one )

JERRY: Come on George.

KRAMER: I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.

JERRY: (to George) Keep going.

GEORGE: Aaaaaah

(George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate))

UMPIRE: SAFE!

(Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry)

GEORGE: come on it's just a game.

KRAMER: (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything. See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time (sings) "You are the wind…"

[Jerry's Apartment]

TV: the show will go on but not Bette Midler. While playing softball in the park Ms. Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate. All captured on amateur video tape. She will be out for two weeks from her Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The Musical.

(Genice enters)

GENNICE: . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)

JERRY: Well we…

GENNICE: No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to be my big break. (sobbing)

JERRY: (with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right.

(Knocking at door)

KRAMER: Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

JERRY: Come back another time.

(Shot of each lock being opened)

KRAMER: SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.

(Turning to Genice)

KRAMER: So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)

[Nail Parlour]

ELAINE: Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank.

RUBY: What would you like today? Manicure, Pedicure?

FRANK: I'll take a manicure. I don't take my shoes off for anyone.

RUBY: "That's the least of his problems."

FRANK: What was that?

ELAINE: What'd they say? What'd they say?

FRANK: They made a derogatory comment about me.

RUBY: "She's with a man twice her age." "He doesn't look like he's got much money either."

LOTUS: "Check out that sweater". (all laughing)

RUBY: "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."

LOTUS: "What happened to his tail?"

FRANK: Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's my tail? I heard every word you said. You got some nerve.

(Back room)

KIM: That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was ayoung girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in love but when I brought him home to meet my father? He refused to take his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight.

LOTUS: That man also refuses to take his shoes off.

FRANK: (from other room) I never seen people treated like this!

RUBY: You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out!

KIM: Frank?

FRANK: Kim?

[Hospital room]

KRAMER: (on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, … you want whit e meat or dark?

BETTE: White meat.

KRAMER: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there. It's your ass buster.

BETTE: Get me one of those Black and White cookies.

KRAMER: yeah, all right, yeah…. (hangs up) They don't have any. But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere.

BETTE: Good. Because if I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around.

KRAMER: Now that's impossible.

[On rainy street at night]

ELAINE: (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) … I don't even know where I'm going.

PETERMAN: That's the best way to get someplace you've never been.

ELAINE: yes, (sob) I suppose, …

PETERMAN: Have you been crying?

ELAINE: Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,…

PETERMAN: Oh no, that doesn’t matter now. That's a very nice jacket.

ELAINE: Uh, (sob) thanks.

PETERMAN: Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola.

ELAINE: How do you know all that?

PETERMAN: That's my coat.

ELAINE: You mean..?

PETERMAN: Yes, I'm J. Peterman.

ELAINE: Oh!

[In Taxi]

JERRY: I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up.

(Crowd yelling)

GENNICE: Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never informed. … YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL…. You see that? You see what I am going through?

GEORGE: So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night.

JERRY: Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy.

GENNICE: I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show will even talk to me.

JERRY: Stop your crying will ya?

GENNICE: What?

GEORGE: You heard him.

GENNICE: Oh, don't you you're the reason this whole thing happened.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh?

CABBIE: Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab.

JERRY: Hey, I had nothing to do with it.

CABBIE: Get out of my cab. You should go to prison. You should be in prison for the rest of your life. Get out, each of you. Each and every one of you get out of my cab.

[Restaurant]

PETERMAN: Then in the distance I heard the bulls. I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately I was wearing my Italian Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13. Price $135.00.

ELAINE: Oh, that's not too expensive.

PETERMAN: That shirt. Where did you get it?

ELAINE: Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once.

PETERMAN: That's NOT bad!

[Frank's car]

KIM: Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off.

FRANK: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.

KIM: I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks.

FRANK: I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your father had to make a federal case out of it.

KIM: Anyway that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of us.

FRANK: Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal.

(Screeching of brakes)

KIM: You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. Inever want to see you again.

[Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives her a pasta statue)

BETTE: … What is it?

KRAMER: It's macaroni Midler.

BETTE: Macaroni Midler?

KRAMER: Yeah, see how you're singing?

BETTE: … yeah …ha ha. Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.

KRAMER: oh, what's that from?

BETTE: Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. Bette sings:

"Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.

Rochelle Rochelle.

You never stopped hoping. now you're in the pink

Rochelle Rochelle

When the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace

So nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face.

I'm having adventures all over the place.

Rochelle ROCHELLE!"

KRAMER: Oh You are so freaking talented.

(knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall)

KRAMER: Oh, so look who's here. What do you want.

JERRY: We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident.

KRAMER: No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything to disturb her.

GEORGE: Who are you to decide?

KRAMER: I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!

GEORGE: Hey, look, Kramer,…

KRAMER: AH! I don't want her disturbed.

[Outside Broadway Theater]

RUBY: hello, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hello

LOTUS: We're so excited.

ELAINE: You're welcome.

RUBY: We'll see you inside.

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show.

JERRY: Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later.

ELAINE: Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job.

JERRY: Where?

ELAINE: Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.

JERRY: (pushing her) How did you get that?

ELAINE: I met him.

JERRY: You met J. Peterman?

ELAINE: yeah.

JERRY: What is he like?

ELAINE: He wore a classic courtman's duster. beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train, (Jerry walking away) waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...

JERRY: (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.

ELAINE: . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...

[Backstage]

JERRY: Well, break a leg tonight.

GENNICE: I'm really nervous.

STAGEHAND: Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here.

JERRY: Listen buddy,

STAGEHAND: What are you going to do? Break my legs? You don't scare me. You or your goons.

GENNICE: How do you like this?

JERRY: What is it?

GENNICE: My grandmother died.

JERRY: Oh, I'm so sorry.

GENNICE: Oh, it's okay,

JERRY: So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?

VOICE: (Off camera) Places everyone.

GENNICE: I gotta go.

JERRY: Good luck.

[Audience]

ANNOUNCER: ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant.

LOTUS: Gennice Glant?

RUBY: What happened to Bette Midler?

ELAINE: Oh, she got hurt.

RUBY: No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and all three leave)

ELAINE: I, uh, wait,…

[On Stage]

GENNICE: (singing and dancing) "It's a long journey from Milan to Minsk…" (Shoe lace comes undone (even LOOKS like figure skates) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) I'm sorry, I have to start it over, my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like this. Please let me start over. (sob) Please. (sob) Please. . . .

The End

Season 7

S7E1 - The Engagement

Broadcast date: September 21, 1995

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mario Joyner ....................... Himself

Janni Brenn ......................... Woman #2

Mailon Rivera ...................... Cop #1

Athena Massey ................... Melanie

Ron Byron  ......................... Man

Renee Phillips ...................... Alice

Cindy Cheung .................... Woman #1

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... FRANK: Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[George's Apartment]

GEORGE: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.

LIZ: Checkmate.

GEORGE: I don't think we should see each other any more.

[At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.]

(dogs barking)

ELAINE: Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.

[Monk's]

JERRY: And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.

GEORGE: I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason.

JERRY: Yeah, what else?

GEORGE: All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy?

JERRY: Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?

GEORGE: Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?"

JERRY: Oh, you're "Pappy".

GEORGE: I'm "Pappy".

JERRY: Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?

GEORGE: Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE: I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" while you were watching TV.

JERRY: Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!

GEORGE: What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.

JERRY: Ahh.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.

GEORGE: No, we're not. We're not men.

JERRY: We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women.

GEORGE: I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.

JERRY: Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?

GEORGE: . We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.

JERRY: We're pathetic… you know that?

GEORGE: Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

JERRY: Why can't I be normal?

GEORGE: Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.

JERRY: It would be nice to care about someone.

GEORGE: Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember SUSAN: ? The one that used to work for NBC?

JERRY: Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.

GEORGE: No. It didn't take.

JERRY: Oh.

GEORGE: Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.

JERRY: Hmm.

GEORGE: You thought she was good looking, right?

JERRY: See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?

GEORGE: I was just curious.

JERRY: Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE:, I am really gonna make some changes.

GEORGE: Yes. Changes.

JERRY: I'm serious about it.

GEORGE: Think I'M not?

JERRY: I'm not kidding.

GEORGE: Me, too.

[At JERRY:'s. He's on the phone]

JERRY: Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: I had a very interesting lunch with GEORGE: Costanza today.

KRAMER: Really?

JERRY: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.

KRAMER: So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?"

JERRY: Yes. We did.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.

JERRY: There isn't?

KRAMER: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, JERRY:? Marriage? Family?

JERRY: Well...

KRAMER: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.

JERRY: I can?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?

JERRY: Boy.

KRAMER: It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..

JERRY: I'm glad we had this talk.

KRAMER: Oh, you have no idea.

[Apiphany scene - on the pier]

GEORGE: La-la-la...

[Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just dragged in]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog.

KRAMER: What dog?

KRAMER: Yeah. What dog?

ELAINE: This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking..

KRAMER: Don't...

ELAINE: I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?

KRAMER: Well, there is something you can do.

ELAINE: What? KRAMER:, I'll do anything.

KRAMER: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?

JERRY: You're going to rub out the dog?

KRAMER: No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations.

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

JERRY: What, you're considering this?

KRAMER: Look, just meet with him. ?????.

[Newman's - dark and dangerous]

ELAINE: I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.

NEWMAN: Of course. Obviously.

ELAINE: Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

NEWMAN: What kind of dog did you say it was?

ELAINE: Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.

NEWMAN: I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.

NEWMAN: If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS . . .

KRAMER: NEWMAN: ! Stop it!!

NEWMAN: Anyway.

ELAINE: Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?

NEWMAN: Well, ELAINE:, There's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be?

ELAINE: No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't.

KRAMER: I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.

NEWMAN: Yeah, I suppose.

KRAMER: Huh?

ELAINE: I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know.

NEWMAN: Of course. Take your time. I be here.

[GEORGE: is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.]

GEORGE: La-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashbacks to Susan]

[Elaine's .- makes phone call]

ELAINE: All right. Let's do it.

NEWMAN: Excellent. Excellent.

[Restaurant]

JERRY: How come you're eating your peas one at a time?

MELANIE: I'm sorry.

[Susan's]

SUSAN: Who is it?

GEORGE: It's GEORGE:.

SUSAN: GEORGE:? GEORGE:, what is it?

GEORGE: Will you marry me?

[George is on the phone.]

GEORGE: Ma, guess what!

MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, my god!

GEORGE: No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.

MRS. COSTANZA: You're what?

GEORGE: I'm getting married?

MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, my god! You're getting married?

GEORGE: Yes!

MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, I can't believe it. FRANK:, come here.

FRANK: You come here.

MRS. COSTANZA: Georgie's getting married.

FRANK: What?

MRS. COSTANZA: Georgie's getting married.

FRANK: Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?

MRS. COSTANZA: Yes.

FRANK: To a woman?

MRS. COSTANZA: Of course to a woman. What's she look like?

FRANK: I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.

GEORGE: What difference does it make what she looks like?

MRS. COSTANZA: Is she pretty?

GEORGE: Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?

MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, I'm just curious.

FRANK: She's not pretty?

MRS. COSTANZA: Let me talk to her.

GEORGE: She wants to talk to you.

SUSAN: Uh, hello?

MRS. COSTANZA: Congratulations!

SUSAN: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.

MRS. COSTANZA: You do?

SUSAN: Yes.

MRS. COSTANZA: Really?

SUSAN: Yes.

MRS. COSTANZA: May I ask why?

FRANK: Okay...

MRS. COSTANZA: Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.

FRANK: Can I talk to her, please?

[Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.]

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: What are you up to?

KRAMER: Nothing.

JERRY: What's the rope for?

KRAMER: Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.

JERRY: The dog. You're getting the dog.

GEORGE: Hey, Kramer, where are you going?

KRAMER: Out.

GEORGE: Don't go. Kramer! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it.

JERRY: Did what?

GEORGE: I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas.

JERRY: You're getting married?

GEORGE: Yes!

JERRY: Oh, my god!

GEORGE: I'm a man. Jerry, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life.

JERRY: I'm blown away.

GEORGE: You're blown?

JERRY: Wow!

GEORGE: You like that?

JERRY: And she said "Yes"?

GEORGE: It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was persistent. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right?

JERRY: You're gonna have gorgeous kids.

GEORGE: Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..

JERRY: Pinkish hue?

GEORGE: Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?

JERRY: Well...actually, we kind of broke up.

GEORGE: You what?

JERRY: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them.

GEORGE: . . . she scooped her niblets?

JERRY: Yes. That's what was so vexing.

GEORGE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. Did you not shake my hand on it uh?

JERRY: You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married.

GEORGE: Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh...

JERRY: You thought I was gonna get married?

GEORGE: Well, maybe not married, but...

JERRY: I mean, you love Susan, right?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: You want to spend the rest of your life with her

GEORGE: . . . . . . Yeah.

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.

JERRY: No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! Celebrate! How about some champagne?

GEORGE: Champagne?

JERRY: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!

GEORGE: Okay! Alright!

JERRY: You know what? No champagne. Anyway. . . I'll see you later.

GEORGE: Yeah.

[Night outside]

ELAINE: That's it. That's it. Stop right here.

NEWMAN: All right, give me the rope.

ELAINE: What? What do you need a rope for?

NEWMAN: Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you.

ELAINE: I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.

NEWMAN: I knew you'd back out.

ELAINE: KRAMER:, are we doing a bad thing?

KRAMER: Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a huge favor.

ELAINE: Yeah. That's him.

NEWMAN: All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.

[George's.]

JERRY: Ready?

GEORGE: Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.

JERRY: Oh, how come?

GEORGE: Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do.

JERRY: Well, she could come.

GEORGE: Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.

JERRY: Oh.

GEORGE: She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.

JERRY: Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good.

GEORGE: Yeah. see you later.

JERRY: Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex.

SUSAN: George, better get ready.

GEORGE: I am ready.

SUSAN: You wearing that shirt?.

GEORGE: Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Okay.

[In the van.]

ELAINE: What time you got?

KRAMER: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.

ELAINE: What do you do?

KRAMER: Well, I tell time by the sun.

ELAINE: How close do you get?

KRAMER: Well, I can guess within an hour.

ELAINE: Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?

KRAMER: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.

NEWMAN: Let's go. Let's go. Move!

KRAMER: You got it?

NEWMAN: What do you think? Drive. Drive.

ELAINE: Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog?

NEWMAN: Yep.

ELAINE: But he's so small.

NEWMAN: Yeah, but he's a fighter.

ELAINE: That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one?

NEWMAN: Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.

ELAINE: How could that be the dog?

KRAMER: Well, get him to bark.

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.

NEWMAN: All right. Bark.

ELAINE: Bark.

NEWMAN: Bark.

[At the theater]

SUSAN: Did you like it?

GEORGE: Yes, it was very, very good.

SUSAN: Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again?

GEORGE: Oh, I sure hope so.

JERRY: How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?

FRIEND: What about that underwater escape?

JERRY: Oh, man!

[In the van]

KRAMER: Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it.

NEWMAN: ???????

ELAINE: You think we're far enough.

NEWMAN: We're practically to Monticello.

KRAMER: Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.

[Jerry's on the phone with his newly imprisoned buddy, Georgie.]

GEORGE: Hello?

JERRY: Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?

GEORGE: They are?

SUSAN: GEORGE:, you coming to bed? I'm taping Mad About You.

GEORGE: Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

JERRY: What was that?

GEORGE: Uh, nothing. I got to go.

JERRY: Oh, Mattingly just singled .

GEORGE: You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.

JERRY: I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.

GEORGE: Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.

JERRY: We come from the same place.

SUSAN: GEORGE:, I'm starting it.

GEORGE: I got to go.

[At the pooch's pad. ]

LADY: Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.

[Elaine's bedroom - dog barking]

ELAINE: No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.

[At Jerry's. ]

ELAINE: I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way.

JERRY: Very strange.

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?

ELAINE: Oh, I can't Jerry. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.

JERRY: All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.

ELAINE: News? What news?

JERRY: Sorry!

ELAINE: What? What?

JERRY: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!

JERRY: George Costanza...

ELAINE: Yeah?

JERRY: Is getting married!

ELAINE: Get out!

[Outside Kramer's apartment]

KRAMER: Hi.

COP: You Cosmo Kramer?

KRAMER: Uh, yes. Yeah.

COP: You recognize this piece of fabric?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, that's...

COP: What?

KRAMER: What?

COP: You're under arrest.

KRAMER: Arrest?

COP: I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side..

JERRY: Newman.

[Cop at Newman's door]

NEWMAN: What took you so long?

[back of a Cop car]

KRAMER: Hey, what do you think they'll do to us?

NEWMAN: Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch.

ELAINE: I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this?

(George and Susan in bed - MAY music)

The End

S7E2 - The Postponement

Broadcast date: September 28, 1995

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bruce Mahler ...................... Rabbi (Glickman)

Kelly Perine ........................ Usher

John Rubano ...................... Man

Evie Peck ........................... Woman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[JERRY and ELAINE are walking down the street and Kramer is parking his car]

ELAINE: Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.

JERRY: Really? What happened?

ELAINE: Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.

JERRY: Isn't he the one with the show on cable?

ELAINE: Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.

JERRY: That's great.

ELAINE: I know.

(Kramer crashing into parking spot)

JERRY: That looks pretty good.

ELAINE: He's in.

JERRY: Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet.

ELAINE: What's to discuss?

JERRY: Come on! GEORGE: is getting married!

ELAINE: Is he happy?

[At the restaurant! GEORGE: is coming from the bathroom to sit with his bride-to-be.]

GEORGE: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?

SUSAN: Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.

GEORGE: Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?

SUSAN: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.

GEORGE: A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.

SUSAN: Can we change the subject, please?

GEORGE: Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?

SUSAN: No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it.

GEORGE: It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.

SUSAN: Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.

GEORGE: (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.

[Jerry's]

JERRY: Yeah, he seems pretty happy.

ELAINE: Well, that's all that counts, I guess.

JERRY: What's the matter?

ELAINE: Oh, nothin'.

JERRY: Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.

ELAINE: Well, what do you want me to do?

JERRY: Well, at least have some reaction to it.

ELAINE: …Well, I don't.

JERRY: Maybe you're a little jealous.

ELAINE: Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?

JERRY: No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.

ELAINE: Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Right.

ELAINE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: Lainy!

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: You don't wanna get married?

ELAINE: Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.

JERRY: Oh, come on!

ELAINE: Oh, you come on.

JERRY: You're such...

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh, hey!

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?

ELAINE: Oh, dear.

KRAMER: It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?

JERRY: We're gonna change the system.

KRAMER: Yes!

ELAINE: Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.

[Outside Elaine's place]

ELAINE: Oh, hello, Rabbi Krischma.

RABBI: ELAINE:! Always a pleasure to see you.

ELAINE: Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.

RABBI: Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions.

ELAINE: Yeah, I suppose.

RABBI: Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled.

ELAINE: No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.

RABBI: Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.

[At Jerry's apartment. George trots in after his lunch with Kiki and Big Jer is kicking back with a paper.]

JERRY: Hey!

GEORGE: I want your honest opinion about something.

JERRY: Have I ever been less than forthright?

GEORGE: No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.

JERRY: Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?

GEORGE: All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.

JERRY: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.

GEORGE: It's good, right?

JERRY: I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.

GEORGE: You do?

JERRY: Yes, I do.

GEORGE: Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.

JERRY: Hmm.

GEORGE: Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?"

JERRY: See, now that I don't care for.

GEORGE: Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?

JERRY: It should resolve of its own volition.

GEORGE: That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum".

JERRY: Momentum - same thing.

GEORGE: Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?

JERRY: Yeah, I know.

GEORGE: Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.

JERRY: You're turning.

GEORGE: Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.

JERRY: If you need more time, you should have more time.

GEORGE: What, you think I could postpone it?

JERRY: Sure you can. Why not?

GEORGE: That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?

JERRY: I don't see why not.

GEORGE: So, I could do that?

JERRY: Sure, go ahead.

GEORGE: All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.

JERRY: Spring. Of course.

GEORGE: Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.

JERRY: Beautiful.

GEORGE: She's not gonna like it.

JERRY: No, she's not.

GEORGE: You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.

JERRY: Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed.

GEORGE: Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.

JERRY: Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, hey.

GEORGE: March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?

JERRY: Oh, all the way.

GEORGE: You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.

JERRY: Is that so?

JERRY: Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in?

KRAMER: Definitely.

JERRY: You're kidding?

KRAMER: No, no, I would turn you in.

JERRY: You would turn me in?

KRAMER: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.

JERRY: I can't believe your a friend of mine.

KRAMER: What kind of person are you going around killing people?

JERRY: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.

KRAMER: Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?

JERRY: But you know me!

KRAMER: I thought I DID!

[Rabbi's apartment]

ELAINE: I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.

RABBI: Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories

ELAINE: Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged .

RABBI: How wonderful.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.

RABBI: Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions?

ELAINE: No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick.

RABBI: You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees.

ELAINE: Yeah, I don't know what that means.

RABBI: Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . .

ELAINE: You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.

RABBI: You know my temple has many single functions.

ELAINE: No, no, it's okay.

RABBI: My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps …

ELAINE: I don't think so.

RABBI: He owns a flower store. Very successful.

[Outside Coffee shop]

JERRY: So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.

KRAMER: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

JERRY: Another Café Latte?

KRAMER: You better believe it.

KRAMER: Since when are you so trendy?

JERRY: Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Café Latte?

JERRY: I don't recall you drinking Café Latte.

KRAMER: I've been drinking Café Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.

JERRY: Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only.

KRAMER: I've always wanted to see this.

JERRY: You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.

KRAMER: Well, yeah, lets do it uh?

JERRY: Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.

JERRY: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.

KRAMER: Maybe I will.

[George's]

GEORGE: Hi,

SUSAN: How was your day?

GEORGE: Good, good day. How was your day?

SUSAN: Mine was okay. So what's goin' on?

GEORGE: Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry.

SUSAN: Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night.

GEORGE: The Lowers, really?

SUSAN: You don't want to go?

GEORGE: No, I want to go.

SUSAN: So what did Jerry have to say?

GEORGE: Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today!

SUSAN: Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.

GEORGE: Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this?

SUSAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.

SUSAN: What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?

GEORGE: No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the …

SUSAN: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so.

GEORGE: Still marry , still marry.

SUSAN: You don't love me.

GEORGE: Sstill love. Still love.

SUSAN: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.

GEORGE: No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I …It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really.

SUSAN: Are you sure?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.

[Monk's]

JERRY: Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.

GEORGE: How did you know that?

JERRY: I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath.

GEORGE: I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.

JERRY: tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.

GEORGE: You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.

JERRY: Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after.

GEORGE: I didn't have any sex.

JERRY: You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.

GEORGE: I didn't have make-up sex.

JERRY: In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.

GEORGE: Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!

WOMAN: (crying)

MAN: I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin'

GEORGE: Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich.

MAN: Are you going to eat thoise fries?

GEORGE: This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman)

JERRY: . . . Poor bastard.

[Outside Elaine's]

JERRY: Good evening, Rabbi.

RABBI: Good evening. And how does this evening find you?

JERRY: Well, Rabbi, well.

RABBI: I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine.

JERRY: Yeah, that's right.

RABBI: I hope she's feeling better.

JERRY: What do you mean?

RABBI: She didn't tell you?

JERRY: No.

RABBI: Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile.

JERRY: is that so?

RABBI: Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married.

JERRY: Really?

RABBI: She came off as pretty desperate.

JERRY: I didn't know any of this.

RABBI: Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation.

JERRY: Hum, well it all comes as news to me.

[George's apartment]

GEORGE: (enters) Hi.

SUSAN: Hi, how was your day?

GEORGE: Good, good day. How was your day?

SUSAN: Ah, it was okay. What's going on?

GEORGE: Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute?

SUSAN: Yeah, sure.

GEORGE: You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry)

SUSAN: George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want.

GEORGE: Yeah?

SUSAN: Oh, don't worry your head. Of course.

GEORGE: All right. (smiles behind her back)

[Elaine's]

ELAINE: I've got that magazine article for you.

JERRY: You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.

ELAINE: Are you

JERRY: Understand you had a little talk with him too.

ELAINE: Yeah, talked earlier.

JERRY: Yes I know, I know.

ELAINE:. . . What does that mean?

JERRY: Nothing, nothing.

ELAINE: He didn't mention . . .

JERRY: Yes he did.

ELAINE: He told you about our conversation?

JERRY: We had quite a little chat.

ELAINE: He told you about . . .

JERRY: Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him.

ELAINE: He told you all that? How could he?

JERRY: It didn't take much prodding either, I must say.

ELAINE: Can he do that?

JERRY: He did it.

ELAINE: But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?

JERRY: That's what's so fascinating.

(Movie line)

JERRY: You better finish your little café latte there. They won't let you in with it.

KRAMER: Why not?

JERRY: Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.

KRAMER: Well that's stupid

JERRY: That's the rule.

KRAMER: Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.

(Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants)

[Rabbi's apartment]

RABBI: Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again.

ELAINE: Yeah…

RABBI: Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?

ELAINE: No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?

RABBI: Was that a problem for you?

ELAINE: Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?

RABBI: Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.

ELAINE: Mrs. Winston?

RABBI: Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you.

ELAINE: What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you?

RABBI: Don Ramsey?

ELAINE: You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor.

RABBI: Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him…

ELAINE: my god, you didn't.

(Movie theatre)

JERRY: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me

KRAMER: Oh, yow, oow Ah!

USHER: Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here?

KRAMER: Nothing Nothing.

USHER: Whatya got? One of those Café Latte's in your shirt?

KRAMER: I don't have anything. Ask him.

(Jerry makes a silent drink gesture)

USHER: All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out.

KRAMER: What?!

USHER: Here you go.

KRAMER: Ow

(Kramer leaves)

[Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.

JERRY: Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.

ELAINE: You didn't say this to George, did you?

JERRY: No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?

ELAINE: Yeah that! So, . . .

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey oh.

ELAINE: GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you.

GEORGE: Alright, thanks a lot.

ELAINE: Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it.

(Gives George a kiss)

GEORGE: Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean...

ELAINE: Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured.

GEORGE: Well, I guess I'm getting older.

ELAINE: Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan.

GEORGE: Yeah.

ELAINE: My most, just heartfelt congratulations.

GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.

ELAINE: Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.

GEORGE: Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something.

ELAINE: Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.

GEORGE: Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?

JERRY: Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh…

GEORGE: Nope. I wept like a baby.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.

JERRY: You cried?

GEORGE: I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.

JERRY, GEORGE, & KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.

KRAMER: Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.

JERRY: Suing? What for?

KRAMER: The coffee was too hot.

JERRY: It's supposed to be hot.

KRAMER: Not THAT hot.

[At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV]

RABBI: (On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless.

GEORGE: Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.

RABBI: A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm.

The End

S7E3 - The Maestro

Broadcast date: October 5, 1995

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mark Metcalf ....................... Maestro

Gary Yates ........................... Security Guard

Paul Michael ......................... Giggio

James Noah .......................... Ned

Tim Bagley ............................ Manager

Richard McGonagle .............. Mr. Star

Kenneth Ryan ....................... Mr. Burns

Kymberley S. Newberry ....... Ms. Jordan

David Wendelman ................ Waiter

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............... Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Phil Morris ........................ Jackie Chiles

==================================================================

[Setting: Booth at Monk's Cafe]

GEORGE: And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine.

ELAINE: I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing.

GEORGE: Ya know, I was just a little surprised.

JERRY: Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that?

GEORGE: What about all the loser stuff?

ELAINE: I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said "I've never seen you looser".

JERRY: I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over.

GEORGE: (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.

JERRY: Where you going?

GEORGE: I'm going shopping with Susan.

ELAINE: What kind of shopping?

GEORGE: Clothes shopping.

ELAINE: Where are you going?

GEORGE: Ross'.

ELAINE: Oh that's a nice store.

GEORGE: Yeah, it's her uncle's.

JERRY: Discount?

GEORGE: (As he leaves) One would hope.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jackie Child's Office]

(Kramer is sitting across from Jackie)

KRAMER: So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte.

JACKIE: (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee?

KRAMER: Yeah that's right.

JACKIE: Half milk, half coffee?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JACKIE: Hm Hm. You take a sip?

KRAMER: Yes I did.

JACKIE: Now when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?

KRAMER: No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.

JACKIE: Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips?

KRAMER: Well I think I take a normal sip.

JACKIE: O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened?

KRAMER: Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.

JACKIE: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.

KRAMER: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?

JACKIE: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

KRAMER: It's definitely preposterous.

JACKIE: So. Then what happened?

KRAMER: Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.

JACKIE: Was there a top on it?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JACKIE: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?

KRAMER: No. They put the top on.

JACKIE: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?

(Kramer motions that he did not make the top)

JACKIE: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?

KRAMER: Ah No no, I haven't.

JACKIE: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.

KRAMER: So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.

JACKIE: Jackie.

KRAMER: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?

JACKIE: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ross' clothing store]

(Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George)

GEORGE: I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.

SUSAN: Well you could use a little flash.

GEORGE: All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.

SUSAN: Name one.

MR ROSS: So, you find anything?

SUSAN: Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned.

MR ROSS: I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

SUSAN: O.K.

SALESMAN: Excuse me Mr Ross.

(George notices the security guard standing near the front door)

GEORGE: See now this I don't get.

SUSAN: What?

GEORGE: The security guard.

SUSAN: What about him?

GEORGE: Why does he have to stand?

SUSAN: Because he's a security guard.

GEORGE: But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.

SUSAN: George, you just met him. Don't say anything to him.

GEORGE: Aren't you concerned about the security guard?

SUSAN: Not really. (Walks away)

GEORGE: (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.

SUSAN: All right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again) What do you think?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: So ah, what did you do last night?

ELAINE: Nothing.

JERRY: I know nothing, but what did you actually do?

ELAINE: Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.

JERRY: Wow. That really is nothing.

ELAINE: I told ya.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: What are you all dressed up for?

KRAMER: Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

JERRY: Oh yeah, how's that looking?

KRAMER: Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man.

ELAINE: That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.

JERRY: Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.

KRAMER: Oh I can be quite litigious.

ELAINE: What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.

KRAMER: Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.

ELAINE: (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.

(Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door)

KRAMER: Hey Maestro!

MAESTRO: Ah, Kramer.

KRAMER: I'm in here. How's it going.

MAESTRO: Fine.

JERRY: Hi Bob.

(Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his head)

JERRY: (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.

KRAMER: Well, this is a surprise ha?

MAESTRO: I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns. It's supposed to be great stuff. It's all herbal.

KRAMER: Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you believe this Maestro?

MAESTRO: It's nothing.

KRAMER: Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while.

MAESTRO: Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.

KRAMER: Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.

JERRY: I hear it's ah beautiful there.

MAESTRO: Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's really nothing available.

JERRY: (Surprised) Huh?

(Elaine enters from bathroom)

MAESTRO: (Seeing Elaine) Oh!

ELAINE: Hello.

MAESTRO: Well Hello. And who might you be?

ELAINE: I might be Elaine.

JERRY: This is a, Bob Cobb.

KRAMER: Maestro.

ELAINE: Oh, Maestro.

MAESTRO: It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand)

ELAINE: Enchante.

MAESTRO AND ELAINE (Simultaneously): Well I have to be going.

ELAINE: Jinx buy me a coke.

MAESTRO: Oh. Love it when that happeneds.

ELAINE: I know I know. That is so ahh ......

MAESTRO: Coincidental.

ELAINE: Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.

MAESTRO: Ciao.

(Elaine and Maestro leave)

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah.

(Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry)

KRAMER: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

JERRY: Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?

KRAMER: That's right.

JERRY: Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.

KRAMER: Why?

JERRY: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.

KRAMER: Jerry he's a conductor.

JERRY: Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

KRAMER: Well, he's still a conductor.

JERRY: Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.

KRAMER: Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'.

(Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other]

JERRY: New shirt?

GEORGE: Yeah. You like it.

JERRY: No, not particularly.

GEORGE: Why, the color?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Too flashy?

JERRY: Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right?

GEORGE: (Obviously lying) No.

JERRY: (Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.

GEORGE: Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.

JERRY: Are you sensing anything right now?

GEORGE: Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?

JERRY: Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.

GEORGE: What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!

JERRY: Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.

GEORGE: Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.

JERRY: I know you will.

(Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry)

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: His lawyer.

KRAMER: Yeah, Java World wants to settle.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.

JERRY: Why are they settling?

KRAMER: Cause their afraid of bad publicity.

JERRY: All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?

KRAMER: Yeah that's right.

GEORGE: (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)

MAESTRO: And then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany.

ELAINE: Uh ha.

MAESTRO: And I fell in love with this house.

(Waiter approaches)

WAITER: Are you ready to order?

ELAINE: Oh God. What are you getting Bob?

(Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face)

MAESTRO: Good question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes.

(Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset)

MAESTRO: You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I preferred to be called Maestro.

ELAINE: Excuse me?

MAESTRO: Well, ya know I am a conductor.

ELAINE: Yeah, so?

MAESTRO: Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.

ELAINE: Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny.

MAESTRO: I happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.

ELAINE: Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange juice.]

(Kramer enters frantically)

KRAMER: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).

JERRY: What do you mean?

KRAMER: Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.

JERRY: I thought they wanted to settle.

KRAMER: Well what happens if they want to see it?

JERRY: Then you're in a lot of trouble.

KRAMER: Yeah!!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George enters.]

GEORGE: (To guard) Tired?

GUARD: No.

GEORGE: How come uh, no chair?

GUARD: What?

GEORGE: I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair.

GUARD: I don't need a chair.

GEORGE: No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair?

GUARD: Nope.

GEORGE: Would you like a chair?

GUARD: I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down.

GEORGE: Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?

GUARD: Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking.

GEORGE: That's exactly my point.

GUARD: Well who wouldn't?

GEORGE: Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer]

JACKIE: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.

KRAMER: I guess I screwed up huh Jackie?

JACKIE: Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm anyway?

KRAMER: The Maestro.

JACKIE: The who? What are you talking about Maestro?

KRAMER: My friend he's a conductor.

JACKIE: Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?

KRAMER: Well my stomach was burning.

JACKIE: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.

KRAMER: Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work.

JACKIE: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?

KRAMER: Well I ...

JACKIE: (interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

KRAMER: I'm sorry Jackie.

JACKIE: (To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it.

KRAMER: (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC]

JERRY: Did you have a good time?

ELAINE: Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'.

JERRY: (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro.

ELAINE: Yeah, I called him Maestro.

JERRY: You didn't mind?

ELAINE: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.

JERRY: O.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".

ELAINE: I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".

JERRY: Why not you call him Maestro.

ELAINE: He is a Maestro.

JERRY: Well, I'm great.

ELAINE: So you say.

JERRY: What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?

ELAINE: Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.

JERRY: You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.

ELAINE: Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.

JERRY: In all of Tuscany? I wonder.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Office of a Java World building]

MR STAR: I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave it.

MR BURNS: How do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we have him examined by a doctor.

MS. JORDAN: Listen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This thing gets into the paper it will kill us.

MR STAR: All right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores.

(Secretary beeps)

MR STAR: (Answering secretary) Yes?

(Heard over the speaker)

SECRETARY: Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.

(To intercom)

MR STAR: Send them in.

(Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in)

MR STAR: Gentleman.

(Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office)

MR STAR: Gentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus..

KRAMER: (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab]

JACKIE: I'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?

KRAMER: No.

JACKIE: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't there.

KRAMER: Well I thought we were lucky to get anything.

JACKIE: Free coffee?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JACKIE: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own

damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "Plus".

KRAMER: Well I didn't hear any Plus.

JACKIE: 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.

(Kramer spots a Java World)

KRAMER: Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

(Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music approaching]

ELAINE: Hey. Hi Maestro.

(Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins in to finish the song)

MAESTRO: Beethoven's 7th.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Hey you know we were just talking about you.

MAESTRO: Oh yeah?

JERRY: Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?

MAESTRO: You didn't find one, did you?

JERRY: No. I'm not really looking.

MAESTRO: Nor should you.

JERRY: So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?

MAESTRO: The houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard.

JERRY: I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?

MAESTRO: It's booked solid!

ELAINE: It's BOOKED Jerry!

JERRY: How'd you get yours?

MAESTRO: Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi.

(Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away)

JERRY: Maybe I'll check out France.

(George walks towards Jerry)

JERRY: Hey George, do you believe this guy?

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: Bob Cobb.

GEORGE: Bob Cobb?

JERRY: You know, the Maestro.

GEORGE: Oh I missed the Maestro?

JERRY: Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.

GEORGE: Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: So what do you care?

(George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth]

JERRY: I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.

GEORGE: Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?

JERRY: I have no idea.

GEORGE: It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.

JERRY: Oh, no way it's that big.

GEORGE: It's a big region.

JERRY: Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?

GEORGE: I don't know why I bother even talking to you.

JERRY: Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.

GEORGE: All right.

(George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce)

GEORGE: So I spoke to the security guard.

JERRY: Yeah and?

GEORGE: Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.

JERRY: So are you gonna get him a chair?

GEORGE: Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.

JERRY: Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.

GEORGE: Oh I think I'd go for the back.

JERRY: Swivel?

GEORGE: I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those.

JERRY: I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.

GEORGE: You mean one of those vinyl things?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: Vinyl yeah, maybe.

JERRY: How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.

(Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the cafe)

GEORGE: Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, Finicula]

(Scene ends)

[Setting: On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking]

JERRY: Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy.

GEORGE: What do you think about a rocking chair?

(Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at the door)

KRAMER: (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.

(Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George)

JERRY: Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?

KRAMER: Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.

JERRY: That's it?

KRAMER: That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.

JERRY: You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.

KRAMER: Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.

JERRY: You're racing!

KRAMER: Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.

(Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first putting the contract into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking extremely fast)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing]

ELAINE: (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!

(Maestro is insulted and pulls away)

ELAINE: (Correcting herself) Maestro!

(Maestro begins kissing Elaine again)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair]

CLERK: (Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can I help you?

GEOGE: Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard.

CLERK: Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?

(George motions for the clerk to approach him)

GEORGE: What's your name?

CLERK: Evan Fayne.

GEORGE: I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.

CLERK: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.

GEORGE: Innocent mistake.

(George gives the chair to the security guard)

GEORGE: Well, here you go. What do you think?

GUARD: Mr. Ross says this is O.K.?

GEORGE: Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.

(Guard sits in the chair)

GUARD: Not bad. Not bad at all.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.]

JERRY: Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio.

GIGGIO: Si, Si, imma Giggio.

JERRY: Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.

GIGGIO: Si, Si Poppy.

JERRY: Um, did he did he mention to you why I called?

GIGGIO: Si, the house in Tuscana.

JERRY: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?

GIGGIO: Si. Two million lira. You give me the check.

JERRY: I didn't actually want to rent it.

GIGGIO: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.

(A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.)

GIGGIO: (To the man) Si, Si.

(Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened)

JERRY: So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.

GIGGIO: Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun point. The camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man taking the money from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the left of the store, you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair]

(Scene ends)

[Setting: At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are talking. There is a lady singing in Italian in the background]

ELAINE: It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away.

MAESTRO: I told you, it's paradise.

ELAINE: You're right Maestro.

(The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver is yelling in Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other side of the room to see what is going on. We see the cab.)

KRAMER: Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.

(Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.)

JERRY: You didn't have to push me.

KRAMER: I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?

JERRY: 75,000 lira.

KRAMER: 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?

JERRY: Kramer you don't under the conversion rate.

KRAMER: Oh, conversion rate, oh.

JERRY: You know I don't even know why I brought you.

KRAMER: Nobody put a gun to your head.

(They look up and see the place)

JERRY: Not bad!

KRAMER: Yeah!

The End

S7E4 - The Wink

Broadcast date: October 12, 1995

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ..............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ..................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tom Wright ......................... Mr. Morgan

Stacey Travis ....................... Holly

Brian McNamara ................. James

Ian Patrick Williams ............. Stubs

Paul O'Neill ......................... Himself

Thomas Dekker .................. Bobby

Clive Rosengren .................. Waiter

Larry David..........................Voice of George Steinbrenner

rc: Richard Herd ................. Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Elaine's bedroom - phone rings]

ELAINE: Hello

JAMES: This is your wake up service. It's 7:15

ELAINE: Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep.

JAMES: Hot date last night?

ELAINE: I wish.

JAMES: A woman with a sexy voice like yours its hard to believe your waking up alone.

ELAINE: Really? Thank you., wake up service . . . person.

JAMES: Call me James.

ELAINE: Oh, all right, James. He he he

[Monks]

GEORGE: Your wake up guy asked you out?

ELAINE: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,

JERRY: I don't know. Blind date?

ELAINE: What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.

JERRY: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

ELAINE: At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

JERRY: I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.

ELAINE: Ah, . . .

GEORGE: Now you're off on a topic.

JERRY: You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.

ELAINE: Uh hu.

JERRY: Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.

GEORGE: You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

ELAINE: I think she'd figure it out.

(waitress places plates on the table)

ELAINE: What? What is this?

JERRY: Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.

ELAINE: Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?

JERRY: A healthy person.

GEORGE: ( rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me.

JERRY: Oh, sorry

GEORGE: Boy, it stings.

[Yankee Stadium]

WILHELM: George, have you seen Morgan?

GEORGE: No.

WILHELM: He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong?

GEORGE: No, not that I know of. (winks)

WILHELM: Really? Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me.

GEORGE: Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks)

WILHELM: I understand.

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.

ELAINE: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.

JERRY: You're going by sound? What are we? Whales?

ELAINE: I think I can tell.

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?

ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.

JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.

ELAINE: You're way off.

JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRY: UNDATEABLE!

ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?

JERRY: Alcohol.

ELAINE: (to George who is winking) What is your problem?

GEORGE: No problem here.

ELAINE: You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.

GEORGE: I had no idea.

ELAINE: Right there. Right there. You just did it again.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.

ELAINE: You're eye still hurts?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.

JERRY: Pulp couldn't make it across the table.

GEORGE: Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?

JERRY: Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso.

ELAINE: What did he think, you were flirtin' with him?

GEORGE: Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hi guys.

JERRY: Hi,

KRAMER: Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature?

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: And Buck Showalter's?

GEORGE: It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office.

KRAMER: Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs.

GEORGE: Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks)

KRAMER: No, of course not. (winks back)

[Sports Memorabilia Shop]

KRAMER: You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.

STEINBRENNER: I don't know. An envelope doesn't really cut it.

KRAMER: Why?

STEINBRENNER: What is this? A birthday card. Ha ha . . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization! . . . This could be worth something.

[Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?

MORGAN: Hello.

MORGAN: Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday card?

GEORGE: Birthday card?

MORGAN: Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you had it for me to sign.

GEORGE: Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch.

MORGAN: Fine. I'll be back after my massage.

GEORGE: Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks)

[Monk's - Elaine sitting alone]

ELAINE: Hello.

James: Elaine?

ELAINE: James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!

[Old Homestead Steak House]

HOLLY: I can't believe you've never taken anybody here before.

JERRY: Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater.

HOLLY: . . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . .

JERRY: Well, no, I'm not one of those.

HOLLY: When we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here.

JERRY: Grandma Memma?

HOLLY: Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.

JERRY: No, I think I would have remembered Memma.

HOLLY: Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Memma.

WAITER: Ready?

HOLLY: I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream,

JERRY: What do you recommend besides the steak?

WAITER: The lamb chops are good.

JERRY: Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?

WAITER: It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.

JERRY: You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.

WAITER: . . . Thank you.

JERRY: (mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?

[Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs]

JAMES: Hey you, hey you.

ELAINE: Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?

JAMES: Yeah, you know, when you live alone, you're dogs are all you have. Do you like dogs?

ELAINE: (mind's voice from - … ) SHUT UP! YOU STUPID LITTLE MUT !

ELAINE: Dogs. Oh I love dogs.

JAMES: Boys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're usually very friendly. Hey!

[Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?

MORGAN: I had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage.

GEORGE: Really?

MORGAN: Yeah, we had this big fight at lunch it looks like tonight I will be sleeping on the couch.

GEORGE: Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again.

MORGAN: I know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off.

GEORGE: Geez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing.

MORGAN: Costanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card?

GEORGE: Ah, not yet.

MORGAN: Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it.

GEORGE: Yes sir!

[Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.

JERRY: Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly?

ELAINE: Huh huh.

JERRY: Did she mention anything about our lunch?

ELAINE: Uh, kind of.

JERRY: What do you mean, "kind of."?

ELAINE: I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man.

JERRY: What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.

ELAINE: You got that right.

JERRY: But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?

ELAINE: Um uh.

JERRY: What is she making?

ELAINE: I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.

JERRY: Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.

(Kramer's door - George knocks)

KRAMER: Ah, Mr. Weatherbee.

GEORGE: You got the Yankee envelope?

KRAMER: Sure do.

GEORGE: oh,

KRAMER: Here you go.

GEORGE: Hey, he,

KRAMER: You'll be pleased to see what's inside.

GEORGE: What is this?

KRAMER: You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside.

GEORGE: Who told you to sell the card?

KRAMER: You did.

GEORGE: No I didn't!

KRAMER: No, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks)

GEORGE: I was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.

KRAMER: Well Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital .

GEORGE: Well get it back! It's very important. (winks)

KRAMER: Look, do you want me to get it back or not?

GEORGE: (holds eyes wide open) Get it back!

[Holly's apartment]

ELAINE: Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins?

HOLLY: They're grandma Memma's.

ELAINE: Oh, I don't remember them.

HOLLY: Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions.

ELAINE: Special occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited?

HOLLY: Everybody like mutton?

JERRY: Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

[Hospital room]

KRAMER: That you Bobby?

BOBBY: huh

KRAMER: Well, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it.

BOBBY: Sure do. Mister.

KRAMER: Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back.

BOBBY: Oh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.

KRAMER: Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee.

BOBBY: Paul O'Neill.

KRAMER: All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you.

BOBBY: Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that?

KRAMER: For you he would.

BOBBY: Would he hit two home runs?

KRAMER: Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.

BOBBY: I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.

KRAMER: Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.

[Holly's apartment]

ELAINE: What about this candelabra?

HOLLY: Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad.

JERRY: Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.

HOLLY: That is so funny. Did you just make that up?

JERRY: I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket)

HOLLY: That was in Grandma's study.

ELAINE: What did you do, ransack the place after she died?

JERRY: This is some FINE mutton.

ELAINE: I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket?

JERRY: Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back)

ELAINE: It's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.

[On the street - dogs following Elaine]

ELAINE: Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear.

[Holly's]

HOLLY: Where are the napkins?

JERRY: What?

HOLLY: Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she?

JERRY: I don't know about that. Have you got any floss?

HOLLY: You heard her. She coveted them. I bet she took them just to spite me. She's probably having a good laugh about it right now.

[On the street dogs chasing Elaine]

ELAINE: Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a

[James' apartment]

JERRY: Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

ELAINE: Did you do with the dogs?

JERRY: Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on?

ELAINE: These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.

JERRY: Why were dogs chasing you?

ELAINE: They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now.

JERRY: I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.

ELAINE: We'll have to sleep head to toe.

JERRY: Head to toe?

ELAINE: Head to toe.

[The next morning at James']

ELAINE: Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15.

JERRY: I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face.

ELAINE: You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make?

JERRY: I'll make them later. Uh.

(Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch)

[Yankee Stadium - George's office]

WILHELM: Have you seen Morgan?

GEORGE: He's not here?

WILHELM: No, He's late.

GEORGE: It's impossible. I got him a wake up service.

WILHELM: Now, George, you don't have to cover for him any more. He's going to be gone soon and I'm going to recommend you for his job.

GEORGE: . . . gone?

[Monk's]

JERRY: It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion.

GEORGE: I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.

ELAINE: Nah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.

GEORGE: Napkins?

ELAINE: I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins.

JERRY: Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.

ELAINE: They were?

JERRY: Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.

ELAINE: Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton.

GEORGE: What exactly is mutton?

JERRY: I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket?

ELAINE: Oh, I must have left it at Jame's

JERRY: You spent the night at James's? Did we?

ELAINE: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.

JERRY: Reversed positions?

ELAINE: Yeah, you know, head to toe.

JERRY: So what your genitals are still lined up.

ELAINE: No, because I slept with my back to him.

(long pause - no comment from the guys)

[Yankee Stadium]

KRAMER: Mr. O'Neill?

O'NEILL: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.

O'NEILL: I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something.

KRAMER: No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.

O'NEILL: Sure, I could help you there.

KRAMER: Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.

O'NEILL: Say what?

KRAMER: You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.

O'NEILL: You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, no good?

O'NEILL: Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?

KRAMER: Two is better than one.

O'NEILL: That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.

KRAMER: Well, Babe Ruth did it.

O'NEILL: He did not.

KRAMER: Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?

O'NEILL: I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.

KRAMER: Well, maybe I did overextend myself.

O'NEILL: How the heck did you get in here anyway?

[James']

JAMES: (on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you have to stick your feet in my face? . . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on. . . . (to dogs) Fellas!

[Hospital]

TV: The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon.

KRAMER: It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?

BOBBY: After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.

[Jerry's]

HOLLY: (from buzzer) It's Holly.

JERRY: Yeah. Come on up.

TV: And the two and one pitch to O'Neill. A towering shot back to deep right field and it's gone.

[Hospital]

KRAMER: Yeah.

TV: A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead one nothing.

KRAMER: OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!

BOBBY: One more to go.

[Jerry's]

(Holly enters)

JERRY: Hey. What's all this?

HOLLY: I decided I was going to make you dinner.

JERRY: I thought we were going out.

HOLLY: Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you.

JERRY: Franco?

HOLLY: Your butcher, down the street.

JERRY: I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.

HOLLY: A little.

JERRY: That is so Franco.

[Hospital]

TV: Bottom of the eighth, score tied at one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill.

KRAMER: You know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill.

KRAMER: He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me.

TV: "Klick! Long fly ball into deep left field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's rounding second O'Neill going for third, O'Neill rounding . . .

KRAMER: Come on Come on!

TV: . . . third being waived in.

KRAMER: GO! GO!!

TV: . . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the Yankees take the lead.

KRAMER: An In The Park Home Run!

BOBBY: Yeay!

KRAMER: All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card)

TV: That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez.

BOBBY: Hey, …

KRAMER: Huh?

BOBBY: … that's not a home run. (grabs frame)

KRAMER: Yeah, maybe not technically, but …

BOBBY: You said he'd hit two home runs.

KRAMER: Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good!

BOBBY: Well, you're not taking that card.

KRAMER: Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that …

[Jerry's]

HOLLY: So, is the chop the way you like it?

JERRY: I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

(stuffs meat in sofa)

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: You know something really stinks to high h… Holly! What are you doing here?

JERRY: What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops.

ELAINE: I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket.

HOLLY: What about the napkins?

ELAINE: I didn't take your napkins.

HOLLY: Then who did?

ELAINE: Ask Jerry.

JERRY: We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.

[George's office, Yankee Stadium]

WILHELM: I still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it?

MORGAN: No sir, George never gave it to me.

GEORGE: No, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . .

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hi,

WILHELM: What's this?

KRAMER: Oh, it's a birthday card.

KRAMER: (to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

WILHELM: George, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this?

KRAMER: And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope.

WILHELM: Ha ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the good work.

MORGAN: Ha ha, uh, well you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass?

[Jerry's]

(James enters with his dogs)

ELAINE: Uh, this is,…

HOLLY: Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing?

JAMES: Oh, bandanas, aren't they cute?

HOLLY: You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!

JERRY: Hey, what happened to my jacket?

JAMES: Oh, the dogs did that but it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket.

HOLLY: Was it mutton?

JAMES: Could have been.

HOLLY: Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?

(Dogs climbing on sofa)

JERRY: Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.

[Steinbrenner's office]

(George enters)

GEORGE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNER: Yes, George, please, come in, come in.

STEINBRENNER: Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.

GEORGE: Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan.

STEINBRENNER: Morgan, Morgan, you know his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.

GEORGE: Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.

STEINBRENNER: You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you got his job.

GEORGE: Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it.

STEINBRENNER: Stop it George, he's out, you're in.

STEINBRENNER: A lot more work you know.

GEORGE: I know.

STEINBRENNER: A lot more responsibility. Long long hours.

GEORGE: I know.

STEINBRENNER: Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.

GEORGE: That's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . .

STEINBRENNER: You know as painfull as it is I had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, … uh, tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that from me. (George exits) . . . George!

The End

S7E5 - The Hot Tub

Broadcast date: October 19, 1995

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jeremiah Birkett .................. Jean-Paul

Leon Russom ....................... Clayton

Ernie Lively ......................... Zeke

Charles Cyphers ................. Gardner

Kate Mulligan ...................... Sheri

Susan Isaacs ........................ Woman

Thom Barry ........................ Manager

Jeff Miller ............................ Event Guard

Larry David..........................Voice of George Steinbrenner

rc: Richard Herd .................Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking: - How much did you lose by? - I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, like... now..now..now...! It was it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won.

[Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine]

JERRY: (to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J.Peterman catalog. (to George) Get this one: "I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest".

GEORGE: This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country.

ELAINE: Yeah. What do you do all day?

GEORGE: Not that much.

ELAINE: uh-uh.

JERRY: I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.

GEORGE: Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

JERRY: How do you pull that off?

GEORGE: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... (acts annoyed for 3 seconds).

ELAINE: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

JERRY: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!

GEORGE: I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts annoyed and leaves)

ELAINE: (laughs)

JERRY: So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet?

ELAINE: No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight.

JERRY: What marathon runner?

ELAINE: You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running...

JERRY: Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?!

ELAINE: Yeah, that's him.

JERRY: He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right?

ELAINE: Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs)

JERRY: How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?

ELAINE: Ah, I know. I know...!

JERRY: I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door...

ELAINE: Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years.

JERRY: Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands.

ELAINE: What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility.

JERRY: You gotta wake him up!

ELAINE: Eh...he'll get up...

(A woman passes by with a baby)

ELAINE: Hi, Judy.

JUDY: Hi, Elaine. How are you?

ELAINE: Fine. (laughs)

(woman leaves)

JERRY: I've seen her in your building.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: I didn't know she was married.

ELAINE: (whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) Don't say anything to anybody.

JERRY: Whom I gonna tell?

ELAINE: I know, it's just something you have to say...

[George's office at the Yankee Stadium]

(George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands on his desk. He tries to kill it with the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches to annoyed-mode)

WILHELM: George, we just got the final budget numbers. We went over budget on some of the items, but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the budget file to a very annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm leaves the office)

(George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts bashing it with the file. Mr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file and shakes his head, worried)

[Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George]

JERRY: He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing?

GEORGE: I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.

JERRY: My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.

KRAMER: Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em.

JERRY: What do you do?

KRAMER: I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... (makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up!

JERRY: Always works?

KRAMER: It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is.

GEORGE: uh-uh. What's with the bucket?

KRAMER: Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.

JERRY: Hot tub?

KRAMER: Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it. (points to bucket)

GEORGE: You put a hot tub... in your living room?

KRAMER: Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees! (happy)

GEORGE: Is that tolerable?

KRAMER: Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)

JERRY: Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?

KRAMER: Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and leaves)

GEORGE: He uh...doesn't have any running water?

JERRY: I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.

[Monk's Restaurant - Jerry]

(Elaine and Jean-Paul come in)

ELAINE: Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.

JERRY: Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.

JEAN-PAUL: Nice to meet you.

JERRY: Sorry about the Olympics.

JEAN-PAUL: Me too. (disappointed)

ELAINE: Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't...come up with anything for this thing.

JERRY: Ah...catalog writer's block?

ELAINE: Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)

(Elaine leaves)

JERRY: (pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it?

JEAN-PAUL: Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

JERRY: AM/PM.

JEAN-PAUL: Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume.

JERRY: Ah...the volume.

JEAN-PAUL: Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.

JERRY: Ah, separate knob.

JEAN-PAUL: Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated)

JERRY: Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.

JEAN-PAUL: Oh, please, man, please!

JERRY: Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it.

(Elaine returns)

JERRY: Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house?

ELAINE: Jerry...

JERRY: It's a simple question...

ELAINE: I've got an alarm, ok?

JERRY: That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?

JEAN-PAUL: Flight to Cleveland?

ELAINE: It works.

JERRY: Elaine...

ELAINE: It... works!

[George's office at the Yankee Stadium]

(George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.)

GEORGE: Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes in)

(George switches to annoyed-mode again)

WILHELM: George...I think you may be taking work a little too seriously.

GEORGE: Well...I've got a lot to do!

WILHELM: George, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything.

(George acts annoyed)

WILHELM: I have this... fun little assignment I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps in from the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and I want you to show them a good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss")

[Jerry's apartment - Jerry]

(Elaine comes in)

ELAINE: Hey. Sorry I'm late.

JERRY: You're 40 minutes late. What happened?

ELAINE: I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem?

JERRY: Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't.

ELAINE: uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?

JERRY: Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!

ELAINE: Oh are you?!

JERRY: Yes I am.

ELAINE: Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is!

JERRY: Yeah, I know that!

ELAINE: Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!

JERRY: I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking him up!

ELAINE: Hey, Jean-Paul.

JERRY: Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak?

JEAN-PAUL: Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the year!

KRAMER: (smelling) What's burning?

ELAINE: Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it)

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds.

KRAMER: This was set for 2 minutes. See?

(Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried)

ELAINE: (pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! Don't..say..anything!

JEAN-PAUL: You miss-set the timer...

ELAINE: (leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right, listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.

JEAN-PAUL: Ok.

ELAINE: (to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok?

JERRY: Yeah. I hope so ?!

ELAINE: Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul)

JERRY: Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over this whole operation!

KRAMER: Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak.

JERRY: I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there.

KRAMER: Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows... the air is cold, the tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!

[Kramer's hot tub]

(The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and goes inside)

KRAMER: (relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... (he is really enjoying this)

[in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking]

CLAYTON: ...'till this bastard over here says: "let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit 'em on New York!" (the 3 men laugh)

GEORGE: (smiling) Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it.

GARDNER: I like your organization, George. We've been talkin' to a really friendly son of a bitch in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name.

GEORGE: Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...

GARDNER: He told us that George Costanza was gonna be takin' us bastards out on the town. (the 3 men laugh again) I said: "that son of a bitch doesn't know what he's got in store for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more)

ZEKE: Finish your drink?

GEORGE: Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost.

ZEKE: Let's get that bastard bring us another round! (waves to bartender)

CLAYTON: You a big drinker, George?

GEORGE: Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)

[Kramer's hot tub]

(The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and he's all trembling. He wakes up,

frozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts it on while in the tub.)

[Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul]

JERRY: Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay... is uh...

JEAN-PAUL: What are you saying?

JERRY: I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!

JEAN-PAUL: Wake-up call...

JERRY: These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' to make that call! (George comes in)

JEAN-PAUL: No, I will stay with Elaine. It would be rude.

GEORGE: Hey, you bastards.

JERRY: Hey, how was the meeting?

GEORGE: I really like those sons of bitches.

JERRY: Sons of bitches?

GEORGE: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really hit, uh?!" (laughs)

JEAN-PAUL: Really?!

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. (laughs)

(Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They all look at him very surprised)

KRAMER: Heeeeey...

JERRY: How many sweaters you got on?

KRAMER: Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.

GEORGE: What's goin'on?

KRAMER: I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up!

JERRY: Your core temperature?

KRAMER: (to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes off glove) Yeah, feel.

JEAN-PAUL: Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold. (smiles)

[inside an airplane - the 3 men]

(They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're drinking and laughing in the plane)

GEORGE: Hello?

CLAYTON: uh...is that you, George?

GEORGE: (laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?

CLAYTON: Well listen, you son of a bitch! You know where we are? 30 000 feet above your head, you bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl)

GEORGE: What are they doin' lettin' you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against FAA regulation?

CLAYTON: (to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now! I can't hear him!

GEORGE: Listen. I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys can't wait to kick your butts!

ZEKE: (to Clayton) When's that bastard comin' to Houston?

CLAYTON: Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee bastards are comin' to Houston!

GEORGE: You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things.

CLAYTON: Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear ya!

GEORGE: (Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!

(Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs up)

WILHELM: George! George, get a hold of yourself!

GEORGE: Mr.Wilhelm...

WILHELM: What's the matter with you?!

GEORGE: Well I-I...

[Elaine's office - Elaine]

(She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at the computer)

ELAINE: (thinking and typing) It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu... (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)

[Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby]

JEAN-PAUL: Hello.

JUDY: Hello.

JEAN-PAUL: I'm a friend of Elaine's.

JUDY: Oh, hi.

JEAN-PAUL: (looks at the baby) oooooh...look at the cute little bastard... (the building manager comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs)

(Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that)

MANAGER: Whatta hell are you doin' harassing my tenants?

JEAN-PAUL: (smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly.

MANAGER: All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul and gets him out) Let's go!

JEAN-PAUL: What...but I got a race tomorrow!

[Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer]

(Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, "fully" dressed and covered with a blanket. Jerry and George come in)

GEORGE: Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!

JERRY: Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!

KRAMER: Yeah, I turned up the heat.

JERRY: Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window)

KRAMER: I'm freezin'! I just need to get my hot tub running. I'm waiting for my new heat pump.

GEORGE: Well what's in this giant box out in the hall?

KRAMER: Uh? Oh that must be it.

GEORGE: It's huge!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's.

(Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up)

JERRY: Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up)

GEORGE: (Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?

JERRY: I got the call...!

GEORGE: Jean-Paul?

JERRY: (stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored)

[hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds]

JERRY: Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.

JEAN-PAUL: Man, I just want to get some sleep. (gets into bed)

JERRY: All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 6:50... volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical...

JEAN-PAUL: Man, whatever! (annoyed)

JERRY: How about adult contemporary?

JEAN-PAUL: Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one! (irritated)

JERRY: All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)

JEAN-PAUL: Yes, yes, the wake-up guy.

MAN: (on the phone) Front desk...?

JERRY: Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.

MAN: Yes sir.

JERRY: That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...

MAN: Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once.

JERRY: I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances.

MAN: Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests.

JERRY: Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here...

MAN: Are you through? (annoyed)

JERRY: ...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)

(Jerry pauses thinking)

JERRY: humm...

JEAN-PAUL: What is it...?

JERRY: I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried)

JEAN-PAUL: No, no.

JERRY: (gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me!

JEAN-PAUL: Man, he doesn't got "in" for you.

JERRY: What if he doesn't call now out of spite?

JEAN-PAUL: It is his job!

(Jerry sits down)

JERRY: (pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again)

JEAN-PAUL: For God's sake...! (gets up and they start packing)

[Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine comes in)

ELAINE: Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?! Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.

JERRY'S MACHINE: I'm not here, leave a message.

ELAINE: Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs up)

(She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door)

ELAINE: Judy, hi, listen...

JUDY: You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told you about that baby in confidence!

ELAINE: Oh I didn't tell anyone.

JUDY: Well your friend certainly seemed to know all about it. (shuts the door)

ELAINE: ... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and Jean-Paul come in)

JERRY: Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.

JEAN-PAUL: It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep! (lies on the sofa)

JERRY: Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)

JEAN-PAUL: Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this!

JERRY: That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's)

(Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door)

JERRY: (shouting) Man that thing is noisy!

KRAMER: (shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees!

JERRY: Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.

KRAMER: Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused)

[street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried]

(the following voices are on Elaine's mind)

JERRY: He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you.

JEAN-PAUL: I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I trust Elaine, she is my friend.

JERRY: Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

ELAINE: Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet (stops to look at her feet) ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! (lifting her arms up in the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!

[Jerry's apartment]

(Two clocks at a table, both 4:02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa)

[Kramer's apartment]

(4:02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump short circuits and blows the fuses on the entire building)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry wakes up with the sunlight. Looks at the electric clock, which stopped at 4:02)

JERRY: 4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup!

(gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went out! Wake up! Wake up!

We gotta go! It's 8:47!

JEAN-PAUL: 8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa)

(both running around, getting ready to go)

JERRY: Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car!

JEAN-PAUL: Idiot! I trusted you!

(Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket)

JERRY: Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out!

KRAMER: Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!

JERRY: What happened to your mental alarm?!

KRAMER: I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down)

[New York marathon]

(Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through a crowd)

JERRY: Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)

GUAD: Hey, hold it!

JEAN-PAUL: I'm late, man, I'm in the race!

GUARD: Go ahead.

JEAN-PAUL: Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man!

JERRY: All right, go, it's a race! Come on!

[George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium]

(George comes in)

GEORGE: You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNER: Yes, George, come in, come in. George, word up's you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.

GEORGE: Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...

STEINBRENNER: Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes George, I used to be like you. Rating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George hot tub. (George looks at him, puzzled)

[New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer]

(They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains "fully" dressed and is carrying a thermos with tea).

JERRY: I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building!

ELAINE: Then how did she find out, Jerry?!

JERRY: Maybe you should check with the rabbi.

KRAMER: (to Elaine) You want some hot tea?

ELAINE: Oh no, thank you.

KRAMER: Oh. There's some runners. Here they come!

(The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul)

ELAINE: There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts screaming)

KRAMER: Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)

JERRY: Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!

ELAINE: Go Jean-Paaaaaul!

(We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear his heart beating. Some people offer him drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves scene. Kramer gets very surprised. We then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to guess why. Kramer puts on a "whatta hell" look, Elaine puts on an "ouch" look and Jerry puts on his "it's a shame" one.)

[George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub]

STEINBRENNER: How're you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George?

GEORGE: (bored to death) Well, I-I just recently uh...

STEINBRENNER: I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild goin'on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one o'these things. Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs) She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. (George starts sliding, until he gets all his head -and glasses- under water, as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know.

The End

S7E6 - The Soup Nazi

Broadcast date: November 2, 1995

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Alexandra Wentworth ........ Sheila

Larry Thomas ..................... Soup Nazi

John Paragon ...................... Ray

Yul Vazquez ........................ Bob

Thom Barry ......................... Super

Vince Melocchi .................... Furniture Guy

Ana Gasteyer ..................... Woman

Cedric Duplechain .............. Customer

Mike Michaud .................... Customer

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

rc:  Steve Hytner ................ Kenny Bania

==================================================================

GEORGE: All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.

JERRY: Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?

SHEILA: You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.

JERRY: You're a shmoopy!

SHEILA: You're a shmoopy!

JERRY: You're a shmoopy!

GEORGE: All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater.

JERRY: Uh,..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place?

SHEILA: No. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie.

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: Hey.

SHEILA: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi Sheila.

JERRY: All right, then. I'll see you later.

SHEILA: Bye shmoopy.

JERRY: Bye shmoopy.

ELAINE: Okay. We ready to go?

GEORGE: Yes. Please. Please, let's go.

ELAINE: Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.

JERRY: No. We gotta go to the soup place.

ELAINE: What soup place?

GEORGE: Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there.

JERRY: He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned.

ELAINE: Stunned by soup?

JERRY: You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle.

ELAINE: Huh. All right. Come on.

JERRY: There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.

ELAINE: Why? What happens if you don't order right?

JERRY: He yells and you don't get your soup.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine.

GEORGE: All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again.

JERRY: All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: The main thing is to keep the line moving.

GEORGE: All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive.

JERRY: Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.

ELAINE: Oh, boy, I'm really scared!

JERRY: Elaine.

ELAINE: All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire.

JERRY: Ar-moire.

ELAINE: How much is this?

FURNITURE GUY: I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even.

ELAINE: Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things.

JERRY: He gave you the nice face discount.

ELAINE: Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.

JERRY: What about the soup?

ELAINE: I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.

JERRY: [in French accent] Pardon.

GEORGE: This line is huge.

JERRY: It's like this all the time.

GEORGE: Isn't that that Bania guy?

JERRY: Oh, no. It is. Just be still.

GEORGE: Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent.

BANIA: Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup.

JERRY: Hard to believe.

BANIA: This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi.

JERRY: Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line.

BANIA: Why not?

JERRY: Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again.

BANIA: Okay. Okay.

GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.

JERRY: Medium crab bisque.

GEORGE: I didn't get any bread.

JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.

GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.

SOUP NAZI: Bread -- $2 extra.

GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.

SOUP NAZI: You want bread?

GEORGE: Yes, please.

SOUP NAZI: $3!

GEORGE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! [snaps fingers]

(cahsier takes George's soup and gives him back his money)

ELAINE: What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here.

SUPER: Its Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule.

ELAINE: But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face.

SUPER: Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right?

ELAINE: Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me.

FURNITURE GUY: I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway.

ELAINE: Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away.

JERRY: Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it?

GEORGE: You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any?

JERRY: I gave you a taste. What do you want?

GEORGE: Why can't we share?

JERRY: I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you!

GEORGE: Do you hear yourself?

JERRY: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.

GEORGE: Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila.

SHEILA: Hi. Hi shmoopy.

JERRY: Hi shmoopy.

SHEILA: No, you're a shmoopy!

JERRY: You're a shmoopy!

GEORGE: I'm going.

JERRY: Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight?

GEORGE: You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: I just don't feel like it anymore.

JERRY: Just like that?

GEORGE: Just like that.

SHEILA: Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: [taking Jerry's couch cushion] Yeah.

JERRY: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing?

KRAMER: Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.

JERRY: Well, sit on one of your couch cushions.

KRAMER: Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there!

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this.

KRAMER: Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it.

ELAINE: Do you need anything?

KRAMER: Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot.

ELAINE: Mulligatawny?

KRAMER: Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.

ELAINE: Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi?

KRAMER: He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

ELAINE: All right. I'll be back.

KRAMER: Wait a second. You don't even know how to order.

ELAINE: Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it.

KRAMER: No. No, Elaine!

ELAINE: Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup?

GEORGE: No. I didn't get it.

ELAINE: Why? What happened?

GEORGE: I made a mistake.

ELAINE: [laughing]

GEORGE: All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you.

ELAINE: Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup.

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?

ELAINE: Oh, I know! It is awful!

GEORGE: Why do they have to do that in front of people?

ELAINE: I don't know.

GEORGE: What is that with the shmoopy?

ELAINE: Ohh!

GEORGE: The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!

ELAINE: Ohh! Stop it! I know.

GEORGE: I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.

ELAINE: Ugh!

GEORGE: And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight.

ELAINE: You know, we should say something.

GEORGE: You know, we absolutely should.

ELAINE: I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff that is?

GEORGE: I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: I still haven't figured him out.

ELAINE: No. Me neither.

GEORGE: All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode.

ELAINE: Oh, God!

GEORGE: Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful.

SOUP NAZI: You're pushing your luck little man.

GEORGE: Sorry. Thank you.

ELAINE: Hi there. Um, uh -- [drumming on countertop] Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um.... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?

SOUP NAZI: Yes.

ELAINE: Never been a big fan. [coughing] Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!

SOUP NAZI: Very good. Very good.

ELAINE: Well, I --

SOUP NAZI: You know something?

ELAINE: Hmmm?

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!

ELAINE: What?

SOUP NAZI: Come back one year! Next!

RAY: Look at this.

BOB: It's an antique.

RAY: It's all hand made and I love the in-lay.

BOB: Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there.

KRAMER: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?

BOB: What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this.

KRAMER: You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.

BOB: Look, you wanna get hurt?

KRAMER: Huh?

BOB: I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off.

RAY: Bob.

BOB: Just pick it up.

KRAMER: What is this, huh?

BOB: You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?

ELAINE: I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna call the states' attorney office. I really am.

GEORGE: Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this.

ELAINE: All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where's my armoire?

KRAMER: Well, b -- it was stolen.

ELAINE: Wha--?

KRAMER: These street toughs, they robbed me.

ELAINE: Street toughs took my armoire?

KRAMER: Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me.

ELAINE: I can't believe this!

KRAMER: Well, where's the soup?

ELAINE: Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.

KRAMER: Oh...yeah!

JERRY: What are you gonna get?

SHEILA: I'll decide at the last minute.

JERRY: You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila!

(Soup Nazi pounding on countertop)

JERRY: Uh-oh.

SOUP NAZI: Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line!

SHEILA: I can kiss anywhere I want to.

SOUP NAZI: You just cost yourself a soup!

SHEILA: How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry?

JERRY: Do I know you?

ELAINE: So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?

JERRY: It was a bisque.

ELAINE: Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.

JERRY: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.

JERRY: Have you tastes the soup?

ELAINE: Yeah. All right. You made the right decision.

JERRY: See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Oh, thanks.

ELAINE: There he is.

KRAMER: Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.

ELAINE: Yeah. I know. Me, too.

JERRY: So, did these thieves want any money?

KRAMER: No.

JERRY: They just wanted the armoire?

KRAMER: Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.

(interom buzzes)

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: Hup! Hup!

JERRY: Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?

ELAINE: No. In what way?

JERRY: I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something.

ELAINE: I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody.

GEORGE: Hello.

JERRY: Hello.

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hello.

ELAINE: Hello.

GEORGE: Were you just talking about me? What's going on?

JERRY: Absolutely not.

GEORGE: Something's going on here.

KRAMER: All right, [claps hands] I'm gonna go get some soup.

ELAINE: One of these days that guy is gonna get his.

GEORGE: So, how was the movie?

JERRY: Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah?

JERRY: Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?

GEORGE: Happy? Why should I be happy?

JERRY: I don't know, but you look like you're happy.

GEORGE: Why should I care?

JERRY: You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy.

GEORGE: All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine?

(Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: Is that so?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!

JERRY: Disgusting?

GEORGE: People who do that should be arrested.

JERRY: Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her.

GEORGE: Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: You shook my hand in that coffee shop.

JERRY: You're still with the pact?

GEORGE: Mmm-hmm. You reneged.

JERRY: All I did was shake your hand.

GEORGE: Ah-ha!

KRAMER: And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that.

SOUP NAZI: Ohh! This city.

NEWMAN: One large jambalaya, please.

SOUP NAZI: So, continue.

KRAMER: Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very emotional.

NEWMAN: Thank you. [inhaling deeply] Jambalaya!

SOUP NAZI: All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it. So, take it, it's yours.

KRAMER: How can I possibly thank you?

SOUP NAZI: You are the only one who understands me.

KRAMER: You suffer for your soup.

SOUP NAZI: Yes. That is right.

KRAMER: You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.

SOUP NAZI: How can I tolerate any less from my customer?

CUSTOMER: Uh, gazpacho, por favor.

SOUP NAZI: Por favor?

CUSTOMER: Um, I'm part Spanish.

SOUP NAZI: Adios muchacho!

KRAMER: Git.

JERRY: It was stupid of me.

SHEILA: Well, it was very insulting.

JERRY: No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding.

SHEILA: Well, behind every joke there's some truth.

JERRY: What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some coffee." There's no truth to that.

SHEILA: Well, I guess you're right.

JERRY: So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?

SHEILA: Yes, shmoopy.

JERRY: Aw!

SUSAN: Hey, Jerry!

JERRY: Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.

GEORGE: Oh, yes. Hello.

SHEILA: Hello. Won't you join us?

GEORGE: No, thanks.

SUSAN: Of course.

GEORGE: Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?

JERRY: Yeah. That's right. You got a problem?

GEORGE: I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty.

JERRY: Well, we're changing the rules.

GEORGE: Ahh. Good for you.

SUSAN: Aw, what are you getting George?

GEORGE: I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? [in babying voice] I want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?

SUSAN: Oh, George, you're so sweet.

GEORGE: Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie.

SUSAN: Aww!

JERRY: What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy?

SHEILA: Yeah.

JERRY: Yum yum little tuna fishy?

GEORGE: Come here.

[George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making out in order to keep up]

KRAMER: And..voila!

ELAINE: [gasps]

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it!

KRAMER: Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it?

ELAINE: The K Man did it!

KRAMER: Yeah!

ELAINE: [laughing] How much did you pay for this thing?

KRAMER: How 'bout zero?

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it?

KRAMER: I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi.

ELAINE: Get out!

[Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her swinging door]

ELAINE: The Soup Nazi gave it to you?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Why?

KRAMER: Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He's a wonderful man.

ELAINE: [gasps]

KRAMER: Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh....

ELAINE: Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!

KRAMER: Yeah. Well, he's a dear.

GEORGE: How much tip do you leave on $8.15?

SUSAN: You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship.

GEORGE: Huh?

SUSAN: [in babying voice] Because you love your little kiki don't you?

CUSTOMER: How is he today?

BANIA: I think he's in a good mood.

ELAINE: Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

SOUP NAZI: You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!

JERRY: I'm heading over to Elaine's.

KRAMER: Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.

JERRY: Those two?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Are you sure?

KRAMER: Yeah. That's them.

JERRY: Well, let's confront 'em.

KRAMER: No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.

JERRY: There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on.

KRAMER: No!

JERRY: Let's go.

BOB: Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one.

RAY: Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all.

BOB: Oh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.

KRAMER: Excuse me.

RAY: Are you talking to me?

KRAMER: Uh, well, uh, we --

RAY: I said, are you talking to me?

BOB: Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?!

KRAMER: Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we?

[Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away]

ELAINE: I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that?

JERRY: I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..."

ELAINE: Let me see this. [gasps] You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. These are his recipes!

JERY: So?

ELAINE: So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.

JERRY: Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going?

ELAINE: What do you care?

JERRY: Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup.

ELAINE: Get out of my way, Jerry.

JERRY: Elaine, let the man make his soup!

ELAINE: Don't make me hurt you, Jerry.

SUSAN: Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby bluey?

GEORGE: Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.

JERRY: Well. Well.

SUSAN: Hi, Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Susan, George.

SUSAN: You know, I really like Sheila a lot.

JERRY: Oh, really?

SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.

JERRY: Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore.

SUSAN: Oh, no! That's too bad.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that.

SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.

GEORGE: You did?

JERRY: Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya.

GEORGE: Yeah. See ya.

SOUP NAZI: Go on! Leave! Get out!

WOMAN: But I didn't do anything.

SOUP NAZI: Next!

ELAINE: Hello.

SOUP NAZI: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.

ELAINE: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery."

SOUP NAZI: That is my recipe for wild mushroom.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.

SOUP NAZI: Mulliga...tawny?

ELAINE: You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!

NEWMAN: [panting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRY: What is it?

NEWMAN: Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!

JERRY: Wha - wha - what's the matter?

NEWMAN: Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more for of us!

JERRY: Well, where are you going?

NEWMAN: He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!

The End

S7E7 - The Secret Code

Broadcast date: November 9, 1995

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Wayne Tippit ....................... Captain

Lewis Arquette .................... Leapin' Larry

Fred Stoller .......................... Fred Yerkes

Ellen Albertini Dow ............. Momma

David St. James .................... Doctor

Michael Luckerman .............. Man

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you get excited? It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money!

[George and Susan are in George's apartment.]

SUSAN: Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM.

GEORGE: Yeah, I better grab some too.

SUSAN: I'll get it for you; just give me your card.

GEORGE: You sure?

SUSAN: Yeah, just tell me your code.

GEORGE: My code?

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: So why didn't you tell her the code?

GEORGE: No. No way.

JERRY: George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely.

GEORGE: It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.'

JERRY: So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?

GEORGE: Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?

JERRY: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.

GEORGE: Have you ever given your code to anyone?

JERRY: No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.'

GEORGE: Superman's father on Krypton.

JERRY: Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister.

GEORGE: No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.

JERRY: What if my life depended on it?

GEORGE: If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code.

(Jerry stands up and begins limping.)

GEORGE: What's the matter with your leg?

JERRY: My foot fell asleep.

GEORGE: How'd your foot fall asleep?

JERRY: I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.

(A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table.)

FRED: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Fred.

GEORGE: Hey Fred.

JERRY: My foot fell asleep.

FRED: You're lucky, at least you got something to do.

(Elaine walks in.)

JERRY: Fred, do you know Elaine?

FRED: No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys.

GEORGE: Alright, bye.

JERRY: Seeya.

ELAINE: Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.'

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes.

JERRY: And he didn't remember you?

(Elaine gets up to leave.)

JERRY: Where are you going, you just got here?

ELAINE: I gotta go talk to him.

[Elaine catches up to Fred on the street.]

ELAINE: Excuse me, excuse me, Fred?

FRED: Yeah?

ELAINE: You just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before.

FRED: We have?

ELAINE: Yeah, at Katie Ash's party?

FRED: What was your name again?

ELAINE: Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald?

FRED: Not ringing a bell.

ELAINE: When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?

FRED: Mmm, no.

ELAINE: That was right when we were in front of the bathroom door.

FRED: The bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.]

JERRY: Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun.

(Kramer enters holding a police scanner.)

JERRY: Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.

KRAMER: Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.

JERRY: What is that?

KRAMER: Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.

JERRY: Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.

KRAMER: When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder.

JERRY: You're lucky they let you drive a car.

KRAMER: No no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools.

(Kramer runs out, Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: What was that?

JERRY: (waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.

ELAINE: Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me.

JERRY: Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women.

ELAINE: What are you saying?

JERRY: Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you.

ELAINE: Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.

JERRY: I know.

ELAINE: Ya know?

JERRY: Yeah, I know.

ELAINE: Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.

JERRY: Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.

ELAINE: Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.

JERRY: Why would I wanna do that?

ELAINE: Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful.

JERRY: Yeah, sounds like fun.

[George and Susan are at George's apartment.]

SUSAN: I want you to tell me, George.

GEORGE: Why? Why is my code so important?

SUSAN: Because, it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.

GEORGE: Well I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles.

SUSAN: My cycles?

GEORGE: Yeah, I never know what's going on there.

SUSAN: Well from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.

GEORGE: Please.

SUSAN: Anything else?

GEORGE: We're out of Bosco!

[Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store.]

JERRY: Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store.

LEAPIN' LARRY: Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap shots.

JERRY: No I don't.

LEAPIN' LARRY: Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the mess. This renovation is killing me.

JERRY: (to himself) My foot's asleep again!

(Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe limp)

LEAPIN' LARRY: When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.

JERRY: You know what? I'll be with you in a minute.

(Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' Larry's employee begins laughing.)

EMPLOYEE: That is a great impression!

(Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. Jerry is embarrassed.)

JERRY: Larry, wait, you don't understand!

[Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to?

JERRY: I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep.

KRAMER: Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.

JERRY: Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.

KRAMER: Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba?

(Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button.)

JERRY: Yup.

VOICE: Hup.

(A news bulletin is shown on the TV.)

KRAMER: Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.

JERRY: Wow, the whole building burned down.

KRAMER: They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?

JERRY: Of course.

KRAMER: It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.

JERRY: The amazing thing is you never have any place to go.

(Kramer leaves, George enters.)

GEORGE: Where we gonna eat?

JERRY: We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.

GEORGE: Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.

JERRY: Of course not, if I did would you have gone?

GEORGE: No way.

JERRY: There you go.

GEORGE: I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.

JERRY: Trust me, you're off.

[Elaine bumps into Fred on the street.]

ELAINE: Oh, hi Fred.

FRED: Um, hello?

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

FRED: Oh yeah, yeah, right.

ELAINE: How ya doin'?

FRED: I'm depressed. I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's too bad.

FRED: Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted.

ELAINE: Hmm. I never take them.

FRED: Cause they make you nauseous, right?

ELAINE: Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!

FRED: Do you wanna have dinner tonight?

ELAINE: Hmm. Tonight.

FRED: What, you have other plans?

ELAINE: No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.

[Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up in mid-conversation.]

JERRY: ...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code.

GEORGE: Call the Embassy.

JERRY: They're closed.

GEORGE: Why?

JERRY: Bomb threat.

GEORGE: We're in Turkey?

JERRY: Midnight Express, my friend.

GEORGE: My card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system.

(Mr. Peterman walks in.)

PETERMAN: You must be Jerry Seinfeld.

JERRY: Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza.

PETERMAN: J. Peterman.

GEORGE: (grabbing lapels) J. Crew.

JERRY: Well, is Elaine here?

PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.

GEORGE: What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us?

JERRY: Without Elaine? What for?

GEORGE: What, is he crazy?

JERRY: We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man.

GEORGE: I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.

JERRY: George, what's the matter with you?

GEORGE: I'm choking!

PETERMAN: Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we?

JERRY: Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.

PETERMAN: I understand, no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.

[Elaine is waiting on the street.]

ELAINE: (to herself) I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up?

[George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. George is disinterested.]

PETERMAN: ...And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.

GEORGE: Howbout sports? Do you follow sports?

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn beside him on the couch.]

TV ANNOUNCER: It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You gotta love sports!

[Peterman is driving George home.]

GEORGE: You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really.

PETERMAN: Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy.

(The car phone rings, Peterman answers.)

PETERMAN: Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time.

(Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the passenger side window.)

[Elaine is on the phone with Jerry.]

JERRY: I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor.

ELAINE: Well, Fred asked me out.

JERRY: Fred?

ELAINE: Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy.

JERRY: You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.

ELAINE: I am? But that's so sick.

JERRY: That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.

ELAINE: Anyway, so how was the dinner?

JERRY: Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there.

ELAINE: What about Georgie?

JERRY: Nah, he didn't make it.

[Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting with the doctor.]

PETERMAN: Doctor, how is she?

DOCTOR: She's too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice.

PETERMAN: Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama.

(She looks off in George's direction.)

GEORGE: I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son.

[Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair with a coat covering him. Peterman wakes him up.]

PETERMAN: Shake off the dew, my friend.

GEORGE: Yeah. What time is it?

PETERMAN: It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?

GEORGE: Who?

PETERMAN: Momma. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it helps.

(Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation.)

GEORGE: Hi. I-I really should be getting back to my fiancé, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief!

MRS. PETERMAN: Bosco. Bosco.

GEORGE: Oh, shhh.

MRS. PETERMAN: (sitting up) Bosco!

PETERMAN (from another room) Momma? George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.

MRS. PETERMAN: Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!

GEORGE: Shut up! Shut up!

(Peterman runs in.)

PETERMAN: Momma! What are you trying to say?

MRS. PETERMAN: Bosco.

(Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes.)

PETERMAN: She's gone. Bosco?

(Peterman looks at George, who shrugs.)

[George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.

JERRY: I did not bail out on you.

GEORGE: Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse?

JERRY: Why didn't you come up with your own?

GEORGE: I froze. I think I'm losing it.

JERRY: Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?

GEORGE: No, no. I reached down and there was nothing there.

(Kramer enters.)

GEORGE: Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.

JERRY: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?

GEORGE: I am not giving you my code.

KRAMER: I'll bet I can guess it.

GEORGE: Pssh. Yeah. Right.

KRAMER: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?

GEORGE: Huh?

KRAMER: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.

GEORGE: Get out of here.

KRAMER: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.

GEORGE: I'm leaving.

KRAMER: (building up steam as George bolts for the door) No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

GEORGE: I gotta go.

KRAMER: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!

GEORGE: Shut up!

KRAMER: Nestlé's Quik!

GEORGE: Shut up!

[Elaine and George are at the funeral.]

GEORGE: What was that?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: You just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him?

ELAINE: I got a date.

(Mr. Peterman walks up.)

ELAINE: Oh, Mr. Peterman.

PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.

GEORGE: Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've gotta get going.

PETERMAN: You do?

GEORGE: Uh, yes, actually we-we both do.

ELAINE: I have a personal commitment.

GEORGE: Well, personal, I mean, we both uh...

PETERMAN: What is it?

ELAINE: I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.

GEORGE: Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.

PETERMAN: I don't believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you to stop by.

ELAINE: My pleasure.

PETERMAN: Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this.

(Elaine leaves.)

PETERMAN: You know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.

[Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.]

KRAMER: Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me?

JERRY: Fire station?

KRAMER: Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world!

JERRY: Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.

KRAMER: Oh, so he took you back.

JERRY: Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven.

KRAMER: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.

JERRY: No I didn't.

[Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain.]

CAPTAIN: Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive.

KRAMER: Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.

CAPTAIN: Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.

[Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's.]

JERRY: Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding.

LEAPIN' LARRY: Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to show you around the store.

JERRY: Oh sure.

(Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep.)

JERRY: Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there.

(Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, he accidentally bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid which spills onto some exposed electrical wires causing a fire.)

[Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing.]

DISPATCHER: Attention Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse.

KRAMER: Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam.

CAPTAIN: Stay out of this, Kramer.

(Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a try. As he lands he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor in a daze.)

KRAMER: Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go?

FIREMAN (groggy) I drive the back of the truck.

(Kramer's face lights up.)

KRAMER: Well, you'd better take it easy.

(Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of the truck.)

[Elaine and Fred are having dinner.]

FRED: Sorry about the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?

ELAINE: Huh.

FRED: The worst part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's no transportation...

ELAINE: (to herself) What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...

FRED: ...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.

[George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket.]

PETERMAN: Bosco. Bosco. Bosco.

(A woman rushes in and shouts: There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames! Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.

PETERMAN: George!

[Inside the speeding fire engine.]

CAPTAIN: Gonna make a left onto Broadway.

KRAMER; (over the radio) No, I would advise against that.

CAPTAIN: Who is this?

(Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck.)

KRAMER: It's Kramer!

CAPTAIN: Kramer?! What the hell are you doing back there?

KRAMER: DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.

[Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances as smoke pours from the building. A woman approaches Jerry.]

WOMAN: How did this start?

JERRY: Beats me.

LEAPIN' LARRY: Where the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole store!

[Cut back to Kramer on the truck.]

CAPTAIN: Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this equipment!

MAN ON THE STREET: Hey, Kramer!

KRAMER (waving) Hey!

[Cut back to Leapin' Larry's.]

LEAPIN' LARRY: Try the scanner, see if you can pick up anything.

(Jerry turns on the scanner.)

CAPTAIN: What are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road!

KRAMER: Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!

JERRY: Kramer?

[Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck.]

CAPTAIN: You're losing control! Hard right! Hard right!

[Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing sound, and then static.]

JERRY: Ah, that's a shame.

[George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled block.]

PETERMAN: The fire will eat up this entire block!

(They come upon an ATM vestibule.)

PETERMAN: Look, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger!

MAN: But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card!

PETERMAN: George, give me your ATM card!

GEORGE: I don't have my ATM card.

PETERMAN: George, you're obviously lying, anyone can see that!

(George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it into the slot and tries the door.)

PETERMAN: It's jammed! I'll slide it under the door,

(The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine.)

MAN: Now give me your code!

GEORGE: What?! Why?

MAN: The machine won't open without the code!

PETERMAN: George, give him your code!

GEORGE: But I-I-I-

PETERMAN: George, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, man!!

MAN: The code!! The code!!

[George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in and drops some mail on the coffee table.]

SUSAN: Hi. Here's your cash, George.

GEORGE: Hm. Thanks.

SUSAN: And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco?

JERRY: Oh my god. Look at this.

GEORGE: Hm?

JERRY: It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.

(Jerry hands the catalog to George.)

GEORGE: The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.

The End

S7E8 - The Pool Guy

Broadcast date: November 16, 1995

Written by David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Carlos Jacott ....................... Ramon (The Pool Guy)

Billy Williams ...................... Usher

Alec Mapa .......................... Paul

Dom Magwili ..................... Dustin

rc: Wayne Knight .............. Newman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I’d like to know when Tic-Tac-Toe became the Pound sign, that's what I’d like to know. Why don't they call it what it really is -- “Leave your numeric message now and then press Archie’s head.” And what is that redial button? Let's face it -- you're either going to get the person, the machine or they have call waiting. Who is redialing and redialing? This is like the harassment key for people in a fight, you know.

(Jerry holds his right hand up to the side of his face, thumb and pinky extended like a phone receiver)

“Hey I’m not through --” CLICK. Blulululululu.

“You can't do that to me --” CLICK. Blulululululu.

“And another thing --” CLICK. Blulululululu.

[Exterior daylight shot of Jerry's brick apartment building, then inside.]

GEORGE: Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me?

JERRY: Well, what do you mean?

GEORGE: Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win?

JERRY: Well I think that's pretty obvious.

GEORGE: Yeah. Me too.

(Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee)

JERRY: Hey Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here. (pointing up and down at George)

ELAINE: You mean in a real Fight Fight?

JERRY: Mona a Baldo .

ELAINE: George.

GEORGE: Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator)

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)

JERRY: Really? What would you do?

GEORGE: Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage)

JERRY: Hmm.

ELAINE: So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met.

JERRY: I’m sorry.

ELAINE: George?

GEORGE: Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral?

ELAINE: There's nobody I can go with.

(Kramer enters)

ELAINE: You know what. I don't have one female friend left.

KRAMER: Oh, no, of course you don't. You're a Man's Woman. You hate other women, and they hate you.

ELAINE: Thank you.

KRAMER: So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies?

JERRY: Ah, how about 8:30?

KRAMER: Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite)

JERRY: You want to get something to eat first?

KRAMER: (mumbling with full mouth) No, I’m good.

GEORGE: I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up the phone from the coffee table, then decides not to call) No. I better just go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook by the door and rushes out)

KRAMER: There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, who’s afraid of a woman . (voice get high-pitched for the last line)

JERRY: Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?

ELAINE: George's Susan?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends with Susan. (smacks her forehead with hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I’ll see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)

KRAMER: That's gunna be trouble.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Jerry, don't you see? This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his world's collide. You know what happens then?

(Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them together in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand, so when his hands come into contact food flies all over)

KRAMER: Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)

[Camera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry and Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets.]

KRAMER: Did I tell you I’m getting a new telephone number?

JERRY: How come?

KRAMER: Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know my number.

(Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression that says “really?”)

RAMON: (recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are you Mr. Backstroke?

JERRY: Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

RAMON: So you know what happened don't chu?

JERRY: No what?

RAMON: I got fired.

JERRY: Really?

RAMON: Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in the pool.

JERRY: Ahh.

RAMON: Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, eh.

JERRY: OK, see you later.

KRAMER: What's in the deep end?

[Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan sits on the couch reading.]

(Telephone rings)

GEORGE: Hello?

ELAINE: Hey George.

GEORGE: Hey Elainie. What's going on?

ELAINE: (sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. Can I talk to Susan

GEORGE: Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I’ll ah, I’ll get her for you. he, he, he, he. Seriously, what's up?

ELAINE: No, George really. Can I talk to Susan?

GEORGE: Susan, why?

ELAINE: Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow.

GEORGE: Oh, I don't think you want to do that.

ELAINE: Why not?

GEORGE: Well what would be the point of that?

(Susan, hearing her name glances over at George)

ELAINE: George, are you going to put her on the phone?

GEORGE: Where did this come from all of a sudden?

ELAINE: George, are you going to let me talk to Susan, or Not?

GEORGE: I really think I should have been consulted about this.

(George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch and hands the phone to Susan)

GEORGE: Here ... something.

SUSAN: Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh, that sounds great. I love that sort of stuff.

(George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right hand clenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his left hand just above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out of the room.)

[Night exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs for Panasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds “Golden Arches” are visible. Then to the inside of the movie theater.]

KRAMER: You want to sit here?

JERRY: Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, Over there. (points to the next seat over)

KRAMER: Why?

JERRY: Little buffer zone.

KRAMER: (Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat)

JERRY: Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?

KRAMER: No. You got a point.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: I can't ...

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Well these seats have no lumbar.

JERRY: Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking.

(Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch of napkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn)

KRAMER: We are talking.

JERRY: Pretend it's interesting.

KRAMER: So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are still looking for me.

JERRY: That's shocking, but sounds ...

RAMON: Hey, hi Jerry.

JERRY: Oh, hey Ramon.

RAMON: Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. You want some?

JERRY: Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)

RAMON: Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken?

(Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry)

JERRY: No.

(As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry looks like he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head front to back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good)

[Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry and George are talking.]

JERRY: And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then he walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. Finally I said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.

GEORGE: By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today?

JERRY: No why?

GEORGE: (sighs) She called Susan last night.

JERRY: Oh yeah, I know.

GEORGE: How do you know?

JERRY: Well it was my idea.

GEORGE: Your idea?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Wha’d you do that for?

JERRY: She was looking for someone to go to the show with.

GEORGE: Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now?

JERRY: World's collide. (points at George)

GEORGE: Whe ... Well yeah!

JERRY: Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with --

GEORGE: YES! It Blows Up! If you knew that, what did you tell Elaine for?

JERRY: I didn’t know. Kramer told me about the worlds.

GEORGE: You couldn't figure out the “World's Theory” for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. (gesturing with hands going outward)

JERRY: Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: He knows the worlds theory.

KRAMER: What is it blowing up?

GEORGE: Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)

(Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket)

KRAMER: Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.

JERRY: What is it?

KRAMER: Well it's 555-3455.

JERRY: 555-3455.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: (picks up the phone on the coffee table) “555-3455.” Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.

KRAMER: What's Filk?

JERRY: Filk’s nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone.

KRAMER: Oh Movie Phone.

JERRY: Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you.

KRAMER: So, I’m Filk?

JERRY: You're Filk.

KRAMER: Oh, Mama.

[Susan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk.]

ELAINE: Well what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore to the 19th Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.

SUSAN: Oh whoo. Quite the DèColletage for a suffragette.

ELAINE: Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been one hell of a party.

SUSAN: Whoo.

ELAINE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

SUSAN: Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.

ELAINE: What?

SUSAN: Ehahh, forget it.

ELAINE: What? You can tell me. I’ll put it in the vault.

SUSAN: The vault?

ELAINE: Mm-Hmm.

[Exterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to the men's locker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag. Some men are in the background talking.]

PAUL - Locker room Attendant #1: Oy, Mr. Seinfeld. We heard you went to the movies with Ramon.

JERRY: Oh, well, I didn’t actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into him there. (putting on coat)

DUSTIN - Locker room Attendant #2: It's a good thing he has friends like you to cheer him up.

PAUL: Tell him to call us.

DUSTIN: Tell him, Dustin says, “Hello.”

JERRY: All right, I gotta go.

PAUL: To see Ramon?

(Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares off the other direction, laughing to himself)

[Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: What else did you two do?

ELAINE: Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.

JERRY: Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?

(Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed, blank expression, just looking at Jerry)

ELAINE: That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?

JERRY: Yes, I do. (very serious)

ELAINE: All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom)

JERRY: Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new friendship.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... (closing the bathroom door)

(Kramer enters and leaves the door open)

KRAMER: Hey man, what's going on?

JERRY: Hey.

(Telephone rings)

KRAMER: Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone from his pocket) Yeah hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.

(Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie section)

KRAMER: Yeah, Cupid’s Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, no, no problem, yeah.

(Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in, puts the phone in his pocket)

JERRY: You're looking up movies for people now?

KRAMER: I got time.

(Telephone rings)

KRAMER: And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I’ll help. Yeah, Firestorm’s good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry)

JERRY: (shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him.

(Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone on to Jerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and get Jerry to take the phone from him)

Continuity Error -- During this part of the scene, we clearly see Kramer’s right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty. This sequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the sequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left hand -- he did not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously a Continuity Error

KRAMER: Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still there? Look I’m sorry about that. All right there's an 8:30 and a 10:15showing.

(Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper. Elaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened, she gestures towards Kramer as he exits)

(Intercom buzzes)

JERRY: Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah?

RAMON: (Hey it's Ramon)

JERRY: What?

RAMON: (Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I’m coming up)

JERRY: (to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here?

ELAINE: Who? Who is Ramon?

JERRY: He's the pool guy.

ELAINE: What pool guy?

JERRY: Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here.

ELAINE: Yeah, no problem.

** Inconsistency in reality -- Ramon shows up at Jerry's door, 8 seconds from the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer. Either Ramon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast (he does not appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators.

-- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine complains about the slow elevators in Jerry's apt. building. **

The Ex-Girlfriend

ELAINE: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.

JERRY: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.

RAMON: Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and points both index fingers at him) How are you, crazy guy?

JERRY: Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine.

ELAINE: Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left him on his own)

JERRY: So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon?

RAMON: Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured I’d check you out.

JERRY: Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do.

RAMON: Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?

JERRY: Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat and throws it over his shoulder)

RAMON: Hey that's cool. I’m up for some stuff

JERRY: All right.

(They head for the door)

[Moving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where Jerry sits next to Ramon]

RAMON: So get this. I get down there, and right away, I see the drain is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?

JERRY: All right Ramon, I’m going to get going.

(Subway train stops and door opens)

JERRY: I think we should separate here actually.

RAMON: What are you trying to say Jerry?

JERRY: Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more.

RAMON: Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, right?

JERRY: That has nothing to do with it.

RAMON: You su -- (no audio) (through the moving subway window, Ramon is swearing and pointing at Jerry)

[Exterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment.]

SUSAN: Yeah, we got along real well.

GEORGE: You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don't cha? Something strange about a woman who’s friends are all men.

SUSAN: Yeah, I know. We talked all about that.

GEORGE: You talked all about that?

SUSAN: Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault.

GEORGE: Did you just say vault?

SUSAN: Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong?

GEORGE: You got that from Elaine.

SUSAN: Yeah. So what?

GEORGE: Well it's a little strange. You going to start to talk like Elaine from now on?

SUSAN: I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday.

GEORGE: We’d all go to movie on Friday?

SUSAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is not good. World's are colliding! George is getting upset!

[Inside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening to George.]

GEORGE: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.

JERRY: I, I love that George.

GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

(Elaine enters)

GEORGE: You're Killing Independent George! You know that, don't you?

ELAINE: George I don't even want to get --

GEORGE: You know what word Susan used last night? Hnuh. Vault! hu,

hu, hu.

ELAINE: So?

GEORGE: She got that from you!

ELAINE: Well, I didn’t tell here to say it.

GEORGE: Is she the only girl in the whole world? Why can't you get find your own girl?

ELAINE: I Like Her!

GEORGE: You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what I’m talking about. It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits -- slamming the door)

JERRY: So you want to catch a movie later?

ELAINE: Ahh, yeah, sure.

JERRY: I don't have a paper though.

ELAINE: Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials)

(Ring)

KRAMER: Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought to you by the New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon -- “You've got to get me over that mountain!” “Now” (bang, bang) “AHHHHHHHHHH” There is no place higher than ... Mountain High . Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.

ELAINE: Kramer, is that you?

KRAMER: Elaine?

ELAINE: Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?

KRAMER: I don't know.

[Exterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's locker room.]

RAMON: Well, well. Look who’s here.

JERRY: Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble.

RAMON: No, I don't think so Jerry. You see they gave me my job back.

JERRY: What?

RAMON: I’m a pool boy ... again.

JERRY: Look Ramon, about the other day. I’m sorry if I offended you. I get a little crabby on the subway.

RAMON: Do you?

JERRY: What happened to all the towels?

RAMON: Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared. (walks away)

(Newman rushes up to Jerry)

NEWMAN: Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.

(Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for a towel as Newman walks away)

[Exterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the steps and on to the sidewalk.]

JERRY: It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

JERRY: And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone.

ELAINE: Uhh, so frustrating!

JERRY: Tell me about it.

ELAINE: Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?

JERRY: You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: I’m meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop.

ELAINE: Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.

(Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the upcoming ramifications)

[Elaine and Jerry enter Monk’s coffee shop as Susan sits across the booth from Kramer.]

SUSAN: Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here!

KRAMER: There they are.

SUSAN: Yeah, look who I ran into.

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: Yeah. (sits down next to Susan)

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Ahh.

(Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for George, and feeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events)

KRAMER: Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us?

JERRY: Ah, you know. I’m supposed to meet, eh, someone -- I’ll, I’ll wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)

KRAMER: Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with you?

JERRY: This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)

(Jerry sits down next to Kramer)

SUSAN: What's that Jerry?

JERRY: (coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.

(George enters the coffee shop)

SUSAN: Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.

(George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting in the booth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment, nods his head again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table)

GEORGE: One, two ... three, four.

(extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and Jerry, who he puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and presses it to Jerry's cheek)

GEORGE: Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)

SUSAN: Hey George!

JERRY: We'll pull up another chair.

New scene.

Exterior of Reggie’s diner, then inside where George sits alone in a

booth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping coffee.

[Exterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the pool. Jerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large squeegee on a long pole.]

JERRY: I see you there Ramon.

(Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee)

JERRY: Hey, l‘ll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. I’m not done. I know what you're up to Ramon. Because I’m a member here, this is my place to swim.

(Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry grabs the squeegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match)

JERRY: Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just stop it.

(Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool)

RAMON: Oh.

(Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing suits)

NEWMAN: Olly, olly, oxen, free!

(It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool, filmed in slow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face, seeing Newman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.)

JERRY: (NO!)

(Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck. Newman and Jerry are kneeling over him.)

JERRY: I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

NEWMAN: Mouth-to-mouth?

JERRY: Yeah.

NEWMAN: Huh.

JERRY: Well? Go ahead.

NEWMAN: You go.

JERRY: You knocked him out.

NEWMAN: Yeah, but you pulled him in.

JERRY: Come on Newman. Do it.

NEWMAN: Nah.

JERRY: He might die.

NEWMAN: Yeah. Maybe.

[Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where Susan and Elaine are sitting and talking.]

ELAINE: (on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll meet you at the theater. (hangs up the phone) OK, next showings at 9:00, we can't wait any longer.

SUSAN: Elaine, where could he be? It's not like George to just disappear.

ELAINE: Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?

SUSAN: Oh, I don't know.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks up pad of paper and writes) “George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.” Love?

SUSAN: Yeah.

ELAINE: “Love ... Susan.”

[Camera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie theater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets.]

JERRY: So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him mouth-to-mouth.

ELAINE: He could have died

JERRY: Yeah, it was a gamble.

SUSAN: Why didn’t you give him mouth-to-mouth?

JERRY: Ah. (makes face)

ELAINE: How can you possibly show your face there again?

JERRY: Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, we can't go anywhere near there.

(they move up to the ticket window)

ELAINE: Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults ... one child. (looking towards Jerry)

[Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where George finds the note.]

GEORGE: What the hell is this? “George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.” With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. Great! (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always go with Jerry.

(Rings)

KRAMER: Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.

GEORGE: Come on. Come on.

KRAMER: Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie title, now.

(George presses 3 keys)

KRAMER: You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, press one.

(George looks baffled)

KRAMER: Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected.

GEORGE: Chunnel ?

KRAMER: To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit zip-code, now.

(George enters his zip-code)

KRAMER: Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?

GEORGE: Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.

KRAMER: (picks up paper) Chunnel , is playing at the Paragon 84th Street cinema in the main theater at 9:30 PM.

GEORGE: Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone and rushes out the door)

KRAMER: It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00.

[Night exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in the foreground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater, George, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's trying to be quiet and still get their attention.]

GEORGE: Jerry ... Where are you? I know you like to sit back here. Elaine! Susan!

MOVIE PATRON: SHH!

(from the movie we hear this dialogue: “The English Channel Tunnel, Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England and another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for your time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.” -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed to be focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it)

[Cut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater next door. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats a bit of popcorn]

JERRY: I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?

SUSAN: No, no. That's not the guy. That's a different guy.

(Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking)

JERRY: What is he doing in the Chunnel?

SUSAN: Would you two, Please?

(movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! )

(Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and look at each other, with silent expressions that say “what is her problem.”)

(again, from the movie we hear this dialogue: “Let me tell you something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway is adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag (inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him and Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside down! Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel’s gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)”

** this time it's really tough to make all of it out, so there are some inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)

[back to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of the theater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying to find Jerry, Elaine and Susan.]

GEORGE: Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know you're there! Answer me!

MOVIE PATRON: (Hey, sit down!)

GEORGE: Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!

MOVIE PATRON: (Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here!)

GEORGE: Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, Jerry! Reggies!

MOVIE PATRON: (Move it off of there!)

GEORGE: Where are you!

2nd MOVIE PATRON: (Hey are you sure you got the right theater?)

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel . Susan!

2nd MOVIE PATRON: (It's playing in two theaters.)

GEORGE: Two theaters?

2nd MOVIE PATRON: (Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.)

GEORGE: Oh. Sorry.

(A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect it, but the popcorn flies all over)

(once again, from the movie we hear this dialogue: “There's something else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I’m telling ya. No, she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I’m sorry to disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel. Oh?” (inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere between France and ... (inaudible)”

** Again, it's really tough to make all of it out, so there are some inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)

[Elaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater.]

ELAINE: I thought that was pretty good, huh?

JERRY: Wha’d you think Susan?

SUSAN: Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. You, you talked the whole movie.

ELAINE: Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat?

JERRY: Yeah.

SUSAN: Ah, no. I don't think so.

ELAINE: Why not?

SUSAN: Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it. I’ll see you.

(Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being escorted out of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay inside the theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and Susan watch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three of them standing there.)

GEORGE: I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me. Together, laughing and lying.

USHER: Let's go pal.

GEORGE: They're -- They're killing independent George! And they're, they're all in on it! World's are colliding!

(Camera freeze on George with the two ushers)

[Outside Kramer’s apartment door: 5B A partial view of a man's face and his hand knocks 3 times on the door.]

MOVIE PHONE GUY: Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.

(Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal is obviously startled by the voice at his door)

MOVIE PHONE GUY: (con’t) I know your in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5B. You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break this door down. Please select Now.

(as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and ducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.)

The End

S7E9 - The Sponge

Broadcast date: December 7, 1995

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jennifer Guthrie .................. Lena

Scott Patterson .................... Billy

John Paragon ...................... Cedric

Yul Vazquez ........................ Bob

David Byrd ......................... Roger

Ileen Getz ........................... Organizer

Steven Hack ....................... Walker #1

Wren T. Brown .................. Walker #2

P.B. Hutton ........................ Walker #3

Susan Moore ...................... Monica

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that's why they need the glasses? It's just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don't think, 'Oh, they must have been listening real good...yeah, to a lot of important stuff...' No, they are deaf . They can't hear.

[Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from the counter with a clipboard in his hand.]

KRAMER: Hey, boys and girls. I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS walk.

ELAINE: Is that tomorrow?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures to Elaine to sign the form.)

ELAINE (signing): Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS.

KRAMER: Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

JERRY (signing): It's hard enough living next door.

KRAMER: I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon and they think they're doin' something? Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets up) I'll be right back.

(Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.)

ELAINE: New jeans?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Still a 31 waist?

JERRY: Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on this list.

ELAINE: Lena Small?

JERRY: Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and now here's her number.

ELAINE: Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list!

JERRY (copying down the number): Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring to date a giving person.

ELAINE: You're a taking person.

JERRY: That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam.

ELAINE (warns): She's gonna ask how you got her number.

JERRY: Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me.

ELAINE: What's he look like?

JERRY: I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying a speedboat.

ELAINE: You're buying a speedboat?

JERRY: See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free.

ELAINE: I don't know about that.

JERRY: So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him?

ELAINE: Well...

JERRY: Yeah. So you really like this guy.

ELAINE: Very much.

JERRY: How's the...sexual chemistry?

ELAINE: Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am birth control shopping today. (Kramer overhears as he returns to the booth.)

KRAMER: Are you still on the pill?

ELAINE: Uh, Kramer...

KRAMER: I'll tell ya, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum.

ELAINE: The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.

KRAMER: But wasn't that taken off the market?

ELAINE: Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no way. Everybody loves the sponge.

KRAMER: I read it in Wall Street Week ...Louis, uh, Rukeyser.

(Elaine laughs.)

[Jerry on the phone in his apartment.]

JERRY: Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name. Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention, I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat...

[George and Susan in George's car.]

SUSAN: You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's really thin.

GEORGE: Not as thin as you think.

SUSAN: Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the back.

GEORGE: The tag, huh?

SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.

GEORGE: Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just leave it at that.

SUSAN: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 31.

SUSAN: Oh, how could he be so vain?

GEORGE: Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know. I can't believe I just told you that.

SUSAN (laughing): Why not?

GEORGE: Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.

SUSAN: Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance. Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.

GEORGE: Where did you get that from?

SUSAN: Well, we're a couple. It's understood.

GEORGE: I never heard of that.

SUSAN: Well, you've never been a couple.

GEORGE: I've coupled! I've coupled!

SUSAN: Keeping secrets! This is just like your secret bank code.

GEORGE: This is totally different! That was my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's attorney-client priveleges here! If I play it by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the loop!

[George arrives at Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. What's the matter?

GEORGE: I had a fight with Susan.

JERRY: What about?

GEORGE: Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today?

JERRY: I got a date with that girl, Lena.

GEORGE: Lena, how'd you meet her?

JERRY: I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.)

GEORGE: You met her a few weeks ago, but...?

JERRY (slowly): I didn't call her till today.

GEORGE: So, uh...wanna double?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic.

JERRY: I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.

ELAINE: Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off the market.

JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

ELAINE: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna do a hard-target search. Of every drug store, general store, health store and grocery store in a 25-block radius.

GEORGE: Just for these sponges?

ELAINE: Hey man, women are really loyal to their birth control methods. What does Susan use?

GEORGE: I dunno.

ELAINE: You don't know?

GEORGE: I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer enters.)

JERRY: What are you all out of breath from?

KRAMER (panting): The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights.

JERRY: And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it, you're in horrible shape.

KRAMER: Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you!

JERRY: I got a 31 waist, mister!

KRAMER: Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, what are you doing?

JERRY (proudly): What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers.

[A musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search" - visiting stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy.]

PHARMACIST: Can I help you?

ELAINE (with little hope): Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but...

PHARMACIST: Actually, we have a case left.

ELAINE (excited): A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?

PHARMACIST: Sixty.

ELAINE: Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.

PHARMACIST: Three.

ELAINE: Make it ten.

PHARMACIST: Ten?

ELAINE: Twenty sponges should be plenty.

PHARMACIST: Did you say twenty?

ELAINE: Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.

PHARMACIST: Right. So, you're set with twenty-five.

ELAINE: Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.

[Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and Susan.]

JERRY: Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my shirt.

LENA (smells Jerry's arm): Mmm! Very nice.

JERRY: It's All-Tempa-Cheer.

LENA: I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and doesn't pollute the oceans.

GEORGE: Yeah, the oceans really are getting very sudsy.

LENA (to waiter): Can you wrap up all the left-overs on the table, please? I always take the left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.m.

JERRY: They serve soup at 6 a.m.?

LENA: Yeah. That's all they have.

JERRY: Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?"

GEORGE: I'd get tired of it.

JERRY: How could you not?

LENA: Guess who volunteered last week?

GEORGE: Mick Jagger.

LENA: No. Maya Angelou.

SUSAN: Oh, the poet!

JERRY (to Lena): So, let me ask you something - these people eat soup three times a day?

LENA: I don't know.

SUSAN (to Lena): So, did you get to talk to her?

LENA: Talk to who?

JERRY: Is it a lot of cream soups?

SUSAN: Maya Angelou, the poet.

LENA: No, I didn't get the chance.

GEORGE: Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted number for?

(Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.)

SUSAN: I'm going to the ladies room.

LENA: I'll go with you. (They leave.)

GEORGE: What are you looking at me like that for?

JERRY: Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'?

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan.

(George's interest is peaked.)

[George and Susan in the car on the way home.]

SUSAN: Jerry got her phone number off of an AIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful!

GEORGE: I know, but don't say anything to anyone. He told me not to tell you.

SUSAN: But you told me anyway?

GEORGE: Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by the rule.

SUSAN: Thank you, honey.

GEORGE: So, you wanna go home and...make up, officially?

SUSAN: Can we stop by a drug store first?

GEORGE: What for?

SUSAN: I'm out of birth control stuff.

GEORGE: Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park here...? (Pulls over.)

SUSAN: Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the car, you can run in.

GEORGE: Me run in? Why don't you run in?

SUSAN: You don't know what I use for birth control, do you?

GEORGE: Of course I do.

SUSAN: You do? What?

GEORGE: You know. You use the, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)

SUSAN: The what?

GEORGE: You know, the uh...(mutters it again.)

SUSAN: Just get me some sponges, please.

GEORGE: Wait, wait a minute...they don't have them anymore. I just found out, they just took them off the market.

SUSAN: Off the market? The sponge?

GEORGE: Yeah, so you gotta use something else.

SUSAN: I can't! I love the sponge! I need the sponge!

GEORGE: O.k....(thinks) I think I know where we can get one.

[Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer answers.]

JERRY: Kramer, what the hell is going on in there?

KRAMER: It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) And I'm kickin' some serious butt!

JERRY: Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow!

VOICE FROM POKER GAME: Hey, Kramer - are you in?

KRAMER: Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'? Do they look scared?!

JERRY: You're never gonna make it!

(Kramer giggles and returns to the game.)

[Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately on the sofa.]

BILLY: You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom?

ELAINE: O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up and heads to the bathroom. George knocks at the door.)

GEORGE: Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.' (To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those sponges?

ELAINE: Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. Why?

GEORGE: Well...Susan.

ELAINE: Ah, Susan uses the sponge.

GEORGE: Susan loves the sponge.

ELAINE: Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out.

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: I can't do it. No way, there's no how. (Tries to push George out the door. George resists.)

GEORGE: Elaine...let me just explain something to you. See, this is not just a weekend routine...I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know about make-up sex?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George into the hallway and closes the door. George blocks the door with his foot.)

GEORGE: Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is all that I have left.

ELAINE: I'm sure you'll have another fight, George. (Stamps on George's foot and closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that thought!

(Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and reconsiders.)

[Susan talking on the phone with Monica.]

SUSAN: So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone - Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number off an AIDS walk list.

(Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.)

MONICA: He got her number off an AIDS walk list?

(Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.)

LENA: He what?

[Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: How'd you find out?

LENA: A friend of a friend of a friend of Susan's.

JERRY: George!

LENA: Pardon?

JERRY: Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -

LENA: It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind.

JERRY: You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list?

LENA: No, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks at Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are filing out of Kramer's apartment.)

KRAMER: Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants on!

JERRY: You went all night?

KRAMER (shows Jerry his winnings): Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?

JERRY: Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! You're never gonna make it!

KRAMER: AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George enters.) Hey!

JERRY: So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number.

GEORGE: Really? How'd she do that?

JERRY: A friend of a friend of Susan's.

GEORGE: My Susan?

JERRY: Why'd you tell her?!

GEORGE: Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything!

JERRY: Well you know what this means, don't you?

GEORGE: What?

(IMG SRC=http://tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 )

JERRY: You're cut off, you're out of the loop!

GEORGE: You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off!

JERRY: You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned!

GEORGE: C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again.

JERRY: If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone?

GEORGE: Hey, a "hit" is a totally different story.

JERRY: I don't know, George.

GEORGE: So, Lena was upset, huh?

JERRY: You know what? That was the amazing thing.

GEORGE: What, it didn't bother her?

JERRY: No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: She's too good.

GEORGE: Too good...

JERRY: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that!

GEORGE: I see what you mean.

JERRY: I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

GEORGE: Where's the depravity?

JERRY: No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex.

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY (using Elaine as an example): On the other hand...

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE (to Elaine): Thanks again for last night!

ELAINE: Hey, I didn't even use one.

JERRY: I thought you said it was imminent.

ELAINE: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.

JERRY: Sponge-worthy?

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.

JERRY: But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for?

ELAINE: Yes, yes - before they went off the market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of 'em.

GEORGE: You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is gettin' frustrated!

[Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk.]

KRAMER (to organizer at desk): Uh, Cosmo Kramer?

ORGANIZER: Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's your AIDS ribbon.

KRAMER: Uh, no thanks.

ORGANIZER: You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?

KRAMER: No.

ORGANIZER: But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.

KRAMER: I have to?

ORGANIZER: Yes.

KRAMER: See, that's why I don't want to.

ORGANIZER: But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon!

KRAMER: You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. (Walks away.)

ORGANIZER: Hey you! Come back here! Come back here and put this on!

[George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, a war chest full of them.

SUSAN: Well, I don't see why you just can't use condoms.

GEORGE: Oh, no, no...condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.

SUSAN: Just once...for the make-up sex.

GEORGE: Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're way past that.

SUSAN: Come on, just once?

GEORGE: No, no...I hate the condom.

SUSAN: Why?

GEORGE: I can never get the package open in time.

SUSAN: Well, you just tear it open.

GEORGE: It's not that easy. It's like "Beat The Clock," there's a lot of pressure there.

[Kramer in the AIDS walk.]

WALKER #1: Hey, where's your ribbon?

KRAMER: Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.

WALKER #2: Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just don't wear the ribbon.

WALKER #3: Who do you think you are?

WALKER #1: Put the ribbon on!

WALKER #2: Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around and glare at Kramer.)

BOB: Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon? (Kramer is frightened.)

[Elaine and Billy in her apartment.]

ELAINE: So, you think you're sponge-worthy?

BILLY: Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think I'm very sponge-worthy.

ELAINE: Run down your case for me again...?

BILLY: Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.

ELAINE: You going to do something about your sideburns?

BILLY: Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim my sideburns.

ELAINE: And the bathroom in your apartment?

BILLY: Cleaned it this morning.

ELAINE: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?

BILLY: Everything, yeah. It's spotless.

ELAINE: Alright, let's go. (They head for the bedroom.)

[Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment.]

JERRY: Hi.

LENA: Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins.

JERRY: Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at anytime.

LENA: Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen - they do have cream soups.

JERRY: Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person -

LENA: Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing a sweater, I left the water running. (Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet?

JERRY: Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today sponges.)

JERRY'S brain: Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here! She is depraved! (Grabs a towel and brings it to Lena.) There you are.

LENA: Thanks. So, you were saying...?

JERRY: What? Nothing.

LENA: No, you said I was a good person...

JERRY: Oh...

LENA: You seem like you want to tell me something.

JERRY: Tell you something...I do.

LENA: What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.

JERRY: Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?

LENA: Yeah.

JERRY: I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. That's it. (Lena is puzzled.)

[George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to open a condom wrapper.]

SUSAN: Come on, George, just tear it open.

GEORGE: I'm trying, dammit.

SUSAN: Tear it.

GEORGE: I tried to tear it from the side, you can't get a good grip here. You gotta do it like a bag of chips.

SUSAN: Here give it to me.

GEORGE: Would you wait a second? Just wait? (They fight over it.)

SUSAN: Give it to me. (She rips it open.) Come on. Come on!

GEORGE (tosses the condom aside): It's too late.

[Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers.]

BOB: So! What's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?

KRAMER (nervously): No! Never.

BOB: But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon!?

KRAMER: This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear!

CEDRIC: What are we gonna do with him?

BOB: I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!

(Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him and pulls him back down. Kramer screams.)

[Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line.]

JERRY: It completely turned her off.

GEORGE: Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size?

JERRY: I don't wanna be a 32.

GEORGE: I'd kill to be a 32.

JERRY: She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me!

GEORGE: That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?

JERRY: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.

GEORGE: You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) Where's Kramer? Everything's finished here.

JERRY: Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?

(They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises, clothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the finish line.)

JERRY: Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George are about to leave. George turn's back and looks at Kramer.)

GEORGE: Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon?

(Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.)

[Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning.]

ELAINE (smiling): Good morning.

BILLY: How'd you sleep?

ELAINE (stretches): Great. You?

BILLY: Fine, fine. Everything o.k.?

ELAINE: Yep.

BILLY: No regrets?

ELAINE: Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.) What are you doing?

BILLY: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Oh...I don't think so.

BILLY: Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.

ELAINE: I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the shoulder and gets out of bed.)

The End

S7E10 - The Gum

Broadcast date: December 14, 1995

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Matt McCoy ......................... Lloyd

Mary Jo Keenen .................. Deena

Eric Christmas ..................... Haarwood

Sandy Ward ........................ Pop Lazzari

Ruth Cohen ......................... Cashier

Lionel Mark Smith ............... Florist

Vito D'Ambrosio ................. Cop

Alan Watt ........................... Attendant

Larry David ........................ Gum salesman (uncredited cameo)

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

(unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think 'What is the big deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. (as sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.'

[Monks']

(Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual.)

GEORGE: You think she's happy?

JERRY: Who?

GEORGE: (indicates with his head) The cashier.

JERRY: Ruthie Cohen?

GEORGE: (surprised) You know her name?

JERRY: Sure.

GEORGE: I don't think I've ever spoken to her.

JERRY: Maybe that's why she's happy.

(Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers.)

KRAMER: (handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen.

JERRY: What is this?

KRAMER: (removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theatre.

JERRY: That stinky old movie-house?

KRAMER: (sits beside Jerry) Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place.

GEORGE: (gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?

KRAMER: (lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.

JERRY: Geoffrey who?

KRAMER: Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production.

GEORGE: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?

KRAMER: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill? (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? I'm supposed to meet him here.

GEORGE: Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet him for?

KRAMER: Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status.

JERRY: I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.

KRAMER: Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing.

JERRY: Oh, then I'm not worried.

(Lloyd Braun enters in the background.)

KRAMER: But he still needs all of our support. Now, when he gets here treat him like he's one of the gang, huh.

(Lloyd wanders toward the guys at the table.)

GEORGE: (thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?

LLOYD: Hey Kramer.

KRAMER: Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and shakes Lloyd's hand)

LLOYD: How you doing?

KRAMER: (slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. (sits himself)

LLOYD: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Lloyd.

LLOYD: George.

(Lloyd sits beside George.)

GEORGE: Hello, Lloyd. How you doing?

KRAMER: Yeah well, he's doing fine, George.

LLOYD: (offering packet) Gum?

JERRY: (peering) That's an interesting package.

LLOYD: Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try a piece. Tell me that's not the most delicious gum you've ever tasted.

KRAMER: Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is. (he takes pieces for himself and Jerry)

LLOYD: George?

GEORGE: I don't chew gum.

JERRY: (chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it?

LLOYD: Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it.

JERRY: Nah, don't bother.

LLOYD: No, it's no problem.

JERRY: I don't want it.

KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.

JERRY: Alright.

KRAMER: Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet. Jerry is still chewing, and by his face, he's not enjoying it.)

GEORGE: You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y. (he spits it into the waste bin)

ELAINE: What kind is that?

JERRY: It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.

ELAINE: Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?

GEORGE: (almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up.

ELAINE: You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?

JERRY: You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well, I got news for you.

GEORGE: The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?'

JERRY: And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you.

(George snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement. Then he picks up his jacket and heads for the door.)

GEORGE: Right, gotta get going.

JERRY: Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?

GEORGE: Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents.

JERRY: I thought your parents were outta town?

GEORGE: Why d'you think I'm going now?

[Street: Queens]

(George has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly guy is on the porch of his house and recognises George.)

POP: Georgie!

GEORGE: Hey, Mr Lazzari.

POP: Back in the old neighborhood, ah?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks.

POP: Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?

GEORGE: Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to John Voight.

POP: The actor, right?

GEORGE: Something like that.

POP: Mind if I look under the hood?

GEORGE: Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you always knew your cars.

(A young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches.)

POP: Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's here.

(Pop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment.)

DEENA: George Costanza, is that you?

GEORGE: Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they hug) Oh my gosh, you look as pretty as you did back in high school.

DEENA: Boy, those were some crazy times.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Kramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There are a few customers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter. Elaine has a big bucket of popcorn.)

KRAMER: The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time.

ELAINE: Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you?

KRAMER: Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings.

JERRY: Oh, can Lloyd really do that?

KRAMER: Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.

ELAINE: (concerned) What? Lloyd is here?

(Kramer indicates Lloyd approaching.)

ELAINE: What? No, no, I'd rather...

LLOYD: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: (big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.

LLOYD: Kramer tell you? We reserved some special seats, so we can all sit together.

ELAINE: (reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll see you afterwards.

(Elaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium.)

LLOYD: That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses?

KRAMER: (emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot 'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.

[Alex Theatre: Auditorium]

(Jerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating popcorn.)

JERRY: We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special seats?

ELAINE: I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.

(The lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry and Elaine lean back in their seats to be able to see the screen.)

JERRY: Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.

[Street: Queens]

(Deena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of George's car. Bangs and clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics.)

DEENA: Poor Lloyd.

GEORGE: I know. Completely bonkers!

DEENA: Sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop.

GEORGE: Pop? What happened to Pop?

DEENA: I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm taking care of him.

(Pop comes out momentarily.)

POP: Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em like this any more.

(He goes back under the hood.)

GEORGE: (a little worried) He uh, he doesn't have the auto shop any more?

DEENA: Uhn, it was too much for him.

(Pop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner.)

GEORGE: (very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.

DEENA: What?

GEORGE: I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop. Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.

[Alex Theatre: Auditorium]

(Kramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching Spartacus. They're smiling happily. Jerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats. They're both eating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it rests next to a fancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button without noticing. The button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus.)

[George's Car]

(George is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual engine noise can be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens for a few moments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned, then angry.)

GEORGE: Pop! POP!!

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Kramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe, Jerry massaging his neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them.)

LLOYD: 's a great movie, huh?

KRAMER: Yeah.

LLOYD: Sorry you forgot those glasses.

JERRY: I don't know what I was thinking.

LLOYD: How'd you like that gum?

JERRY: (noncommittal) Errh.

KRAMER: (slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he loved it.

(Elaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium, her blouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the shop window. Not that she knows it.)

ELAINE: Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there isn't a light there, in the ladies' room.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired.

(Elaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and feels the back of her neck with her hand.)

ELAINE: Oh. Oh God.

LLOYD: You alright?

(Elaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing her upperworks into greater prominence.)

ELAINE: Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. I just gotta stretch out in a hot bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.

(Elaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her.)

[Street Outside Alex]

(Elaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist is using a hose to wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully steps by, picking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure. A cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches him.)

ELAINE: Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has to always be using a hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he just use a broom?

(The cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking.)

COP: Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist) Hey, you with the hose.

(Elaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and notices her blouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide her embarrassment, and hurries away.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles.)

KRAMER: Yeah, put these glasses on.

JERRY: (taking them) Well, what's this for?

KRAMER: Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now.

JERRY: So what?

KRAMER: Well, he thinks you wear those.

(Jerry looks at the glasses with some distaste.)

KRAMER: They're from the lost and found at the Alex.

JERRY: Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on.

KRAMER: Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

[Monk's]

(George leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which sits Ruthie Cohen.)

GEORGE: 'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten.

CASHIER: I don't think so.

GEORGE: Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?

CASHIER: Not unless you buy something.

GEORGE: Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.

(Lloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier rings up George's purchase.)

LLOYD: Hey George. Thought you didn't chew gum?

GEORGE: I don't.

(Ruthie opens the drawer on the register.)

CASHIER: Take a look.

(George goes round to the other side of the register and picks up all the twenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them for doodles.)

GEORGE: I know I gave it to you.

LLOYD: George, would you mind. I'm kind of in a hurry.

(In addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay.)

GEORGE: (frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) Excuse me. (heading for the door) Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't forget that easily!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as to conceal his face.)

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, look who's here.

(Jerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his visitor. He also reveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave him earlier.)

JERRY: Ah, Lloyd.

LLOYD: Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.

(He proffers the packet to Jerry.)

JERRY: (unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.

KRAMER: Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?

JERRY: (still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece)

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

(Kramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing on the gum.)

KRAMER: Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this.

(Jerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them.)

JERRY: Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to.

(Jerry puts his glasses back on.)

LLOYD: Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you to him, you can get it whenever you want.

JERRY: 's not necessary.

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour.

JERRY: I know that, Kramer.

LLOYD: Well, if you don't want to...

KRAMER: No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?

JERRY: Yes I do, Kramer.

LLOYD: So...

KRAMER: Yeah?

LLOYD: How about that Elaine today, huh?

KRAMER: Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh?

LLOYD: (to Jerry) She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre.

JERRY: I didn't see anything.

KRAMER: Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, buddy. Wooh, ba-boom, ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.

(They continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry clearly not liking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it to Lloyd.)

[Park]

(George and Deena sit on a bench.)

DEENA: You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.

(George clearly thinks he's clicked.)

GEORGE: Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's understandable.

(He pats Deena on the knee.)

DEENA: I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I uh, become very sensitive to the warning signs.

GEORGE: Warning signs?

DEENA: Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.

GEORGE: (disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.

DEENA: Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

GEORGE: All my friends do that.

DEENA: George, I'm only trying to help...

(George is staring past Deena at something a short distance away.)

DEENA: I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me?

GEORGE: You see that woman on the horse? (points)

(Ruthie Cohen is passing by on horseback.)

GEORGE: She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting angry) Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!

DEENA: So again it all comes back to Lloyd.

GEORGE: (rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back here!! Don't gallop away!!

(George runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier on duty.)

JERRY: So you say she was on a horse?

GEORGE: I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.

JERRY: Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.

ELAINE: (sits beside Jerry) What?

JERRY: I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex.

ELAINE: (laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I musta left it at the theatre.

JERRY: Maybe it's in the lost and found.

ELAINE: Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

JERRY: You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it.

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Kramer greets a small elderly gent.)

KRAMER: Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex Theatre.

HAARWOOD: Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles.

KRAMER: Well, let's look in lost and found, shall we?

(Kramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found box.)

HAARWOOD: They're half-glasses.

(Kramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred.)

KRAMER: Brown?

HAARWOOD: Mmm, yes, yes.

(Kramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the counter.)

KRAMER: Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in the box, I'm sure they'll turn up soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go out and get some paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.

HAARWOOD: Certainly.

(Kramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents of the box. After a few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer look. It's the button Elaine dropped earlier.)

HAARWOOD: Oh my goodness. What a spanking button.

[George's Car: Street Outside Alex]

(George starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises. As he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street behind him. The driver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot.)

GEORGE: (glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.

(The horn sounds again.)

GEORGE: (getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming up!

(The horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had enough. He climbs out of his car.)

GEORGE: (angrily) Oh you mother...

(George stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of the car sounding its horn.)

GEORGE: Hey! What is your problem?

(The driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen.)

GEORGE: Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. (smug) Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie?

CASHIER: Your car's on fire.

(The reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window. George dashes off back to his car.)

GEORGE: Aah! Fire!

CASHIER: (after George) Merry Christmas!

(Flames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron.)

GEORGE: (shouting) Fire!!

(The florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him.)

GEORGE: Your hose! Where's your hose?!

FLORIST: Cop made me disconnect it.

(George grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at the flames with no effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight.)

[Street Outside Alex]

(The whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body parts have melted away. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within. George stands, holding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically at the damage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight.)

KRAMER: Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?

GEORGE: The Jon Voight car is no more.

KRAMER: Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to.

GEORGE: No kidding?

KRAMER: No kidding.

GEORGE: Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.

KRAMER: Yeah, merry Christmas.

(Kramer walks on.)

GEORGE: (staring at the wreck) Whatever.

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Jerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier.)

JERRY: Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?

KRAMER: What, he's not here yet?

JERRY: Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it!

KRAMER: Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.

(Kramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face.)

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: They're Geoffrey Haarwood's.

(Kramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair of spectacles.)

KRAMER: (proffering) Here, try this pair.

(Jerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first pair - they're like bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified hugely. It's obvious he can't see at all clearly.)

JERRY: Aw, these are really strong glasses.

(He takes a step and almost trips over the counter.)

LLOYD: Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready to go?

JERRY: (lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.

KRAMER: (clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, he's all ready to go.

LLOYD: Anybody see Elaine today?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. She's coming over to check out lost and found.

LLOYD: Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today. Or not wearing, if you know what I mean.

(They chuckle.)

JERRY: Absolutely. Let's just stick around.

LLOYD: Ah, tell you what, they're expecting us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog here.

KRAMER: Uh, yeah.

(Lloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant.)

LLOYD: I'd like a hotdog, please.

(The attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog. The appearance of the article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally disgusting.)

ATTENDANT: Are you outta your mind?

(Hearing this, Kramer dashes over.)

KRAMER: Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?

ATTENDANT: This hotdog's been here since the silent era. You'd have to be insane to eat it.

KRAMER: No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now there's nothing wrong with it or you.

LLOYD: Kramer, maybe...

KRAMER: No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams a bill down on the counter) One hotdog please.

ATTENDANT: (on your head be it) Okay.

KRAMER: Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?

(The attendant hands over the hotdog.)

KRAMER: Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious. Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)

(As he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should be with the hotdog.)

KRAMER: Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. (he half-coughs, half-retches) I gotta get, some air.

(Kramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling from his mouth.)

[Street Outside Alex]

(Kramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily, and loosening his collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk again. As Kramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog ends with the hotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le Baron and vomits copiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against his door, and fetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding.)

[Street Outside Alex: Later]

(The florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine walks up to him.)

ELAINE: Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told to stop using that hose?

FLORIST: How would you happen to know that?

ELAINE: Well, uhm... I...

FLORIST: (accusing) You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't you?

ELAINE: Uh... I...

(A voice calls from across the street.)

VOICE (O.C.): Hey, Joe!

(The florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises the nozzle of his hose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine.)

ELAINE: No, wait! You're soaking me, you're soaking me!

(The florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose.)

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Jerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands comforting Kramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing a wringing wet t-shirt.)

ELAINE: Hey. Hey everybody.

LLOYD: Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed to top yourself. C'mon Jerry, let's go. Car's out front.

(Lloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the over-strength glasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes.)

JERRY: Lloyd?

(He moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel for obstacles.)

JERRY: Lloyd?

(Jerry leaves.)

ELAINE: (exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?

KRAMER: Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.

ELAINE: Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints.

(Elaine casts her eyes heavenward.)

[Street Outside Alex]

(The remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite side of the road, watching, are Deena and George.)

DEENA: So, you want my father to pay for this?

GEORGE: You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there.

DEENA: And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too.

GEORGE: No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.

DEENA: What cashier?

GEORGE: You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.

DEENA: To park her horse?

GEORGE: No, she wasn't on the horse.

DEENA: So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse?

GEORGE: That's right.

(Across the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging flowers.)

GEORGE: (points) And him!

DEENA: The man with the flowers?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but...

(A car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window.)

GEORGE: I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld.

DEENA: Who?

GEORGE: Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. (calls to Jerry) Jerry.

(Jerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can see are blurry colored shapes.)

GEORGE: Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!

(The car pulls away, leaving George calling after it.)

GEORGE: Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're...

DEENA: (doubtful) That was your best friend?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.

DEENA: That man was wearing glasses.

GEORGE: I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!

[Lloyd Braun's Car]

(Jerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car.)

LLOYD: I'll run in and get the gum.

JERRY: Alright.

LLOYD: Got any money?

(Jerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts a bill. He peers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but the glasses are still too strong.)

JERRY: (handing it over) Here.

(Lloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise.)

LLOYD: (climbing out of the car) I'll be back.

[Street]

(George and Deena walk along together.)

GEORGE: Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. This is just a series of bad coincidences.

DEENA: I don't know, George. I don't know what to believe.

GEORGE: Believe me, I am not crazy.

DEENA: Well, I guess it's possible.

[Lloyd Braun's Car]

(Jerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes, which he hands to Jerry.)

LLOYD: Here y'go.

JERRY: (indistinct) Got all this?

LLOYD: Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.

JERRY: (incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!

LLOYD: You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum?

JERRY: It's a lotta gum!

[The Institute]

(The room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies.)

KRAMER: Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses.

HAARWOOD: Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute for the Preservation of Motion Picture Costumes and Wardrobe.

KRAMER: Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.

HAARWOOD: Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute.

(Kramer notices a particular costume.)

KRAMER: Is that from Henry the Eighth?

HAARWOOD: Yes, yes, it is.

KRAMER: Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think that I could wear that to promote the theatre?

HAARWOOD: Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only person who could really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat generous proportions.

KRAMER: (an idea occurs) You don't say.

[Street]

(Kramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry VIII costume - doublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc.)

KRAMER: You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.

KRAMER: Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.

GEORGE: (angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.

(He gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window of a kiosk.)

GEORGE: (handing over a bill) Can I get a pack of gum, please?

GUY: I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.

GEORGE: What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? (snorts) I guess I owe that cashier an apology.

(Deena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in his costume and jumps to the obvious conclusion.)

DEENA: Oh my God!

GEORGE: No, no. Deena, it's not what you think.

(Deena turns and begins to walk away.)

GEORGE: Th... this isn't mine.

(George begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot.)

GEORGE: I got it from the Institute. The Institute.

(Deena breaks into a run, with George chasing her.)

GEORGE: (shouting) Dee... Deena!

[Alex Theatre: Lobby]

(Kramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr Haarwood enters.)

KRAMER: Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly know how to dress for a premiere.

HAARWOOD: Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend King Henry?

KRAMER: Oh, he ran away.

(Lloyd enters.)

LLOYD: Hey Kramer.

KRAMER: I need to talk to you.

Lloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they go into a quiet conversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular at the button he's wearing on his cravat.

ELAINE: You know, that button looks very familiar.

HAARWOOD: Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory.

ELAINE: I, I think that's my button. (wanders over to Haarwood) You know, I've been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?

HAARWOOD: Yes, it was in the lost and found.

ELAINE: Shall I undo it?

HAARWOOD: Oh yes, of course you can.

ELAINE: Oh, thank you.

(Elaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his chin to remove the button.)

HAARWOOD: I'm a little ticklish.

ELAINE: Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.

(Kramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine tickling Mr Haarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting.)

LLOYD: We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend.

KRAMER: Oh, tell me about it.

The End

S7E11 - The Rye

Broadcast date: January 4, 1996

Written by Carol Leifer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross

Warren Frost ....................... Mr. (Henry) Ross

Jeff Yagher .......................... John

Frances Bay ......................... Mabel Choate

Leonard Lightfoot ............... Clyde

Don Amendolia .................... Dennis

Kathryn Kates ..................... Counter Woman

Steve Ireland ....................... Music Guy

Dean Fortunato ................... Manager

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

ELAINE: (thinking) I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again.

(club applauds)

ELAINE: Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific.

JERRY: Maybe he'll write a song about you.

ELAINE: Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really matters.

JERRY: So I take it he's spongeworthy?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

JERRY: Well, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free.

ELAINE: Well, actually, he's - he's not that way at all.

JERRY: Oh, no?

ELAINE: Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning)

JERRY: Come on. Come on.

ELAINE: I don't wanna!

JERRY: Elaine, you're among friends.

ELAINE: (sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything.

JERRY: Oh.

ELAINE: Yeah. It's surprising.

JERRY: Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you?

ELAINE: No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice.

JERRY: Sure. Why not? You're there.

ELAINE: Exactly.

JERRY: But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen.

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car.

JERRY: What stuff?

KRAMER: I just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby.

JERRY: All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff.

KRAMER: Course I will. These are staples.

JERRY: A four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple?

KRAMER: Lindsay olives, Jerry.

JERRY: A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs?

KRAMER: $17.50. You can't beat that.

JERRY: Look...look at this can of tuna!

KRAMER: Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut.

JERRY: This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3.

KRAMER: Hey, Clyde!

CLYDE: Hey, Kramer! What's happening, dude?

KRAMER: Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.

CLYDE: How ya doin'?

JERRY: Hi.

KRAMER: You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine.

JERRY: John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine.

CLYDE: Oh yeah?

JERRY: Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.

CLYDE: Is that right?

KRAMER: Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs.

CLYDE: Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the hands. My hands are my life.

ESTELLE: Georgie, can you zip me up?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah, one second.

ESTELLE: Well, come on!

GEORGE: All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal outta this thing or we're never gonna get through this night.

ESTELLE: Well, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think I should look nice.

GEORGE: My in-laws. Oh, my....

FRANK: So, what do you think? Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh?

ESTELLE: I don't like that tie.

FRANK: What's the matter with this tie? I've hardly worn it.

ESTELLE: It's too thin. They're wearing wide now.

FRANK: How do you know what kind of ties they wear?

ESTELLE: Go to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if there's anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead!

FRANK: Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue.

ESTELLE: George, do you think he should wear a tie like that?

FRANK: Huh?

GEORGE: I think he should wear whatever tie he wants.

FRANK: We gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzer's.

ESTELLE: It's out of our way. Why can't we pick up something at Lord's? It's right over here.

FRANK: No! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll show these people something about taste!

GEORGE: This is gonna be fun.

JERRY: Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in your friend John Germaine's band there.

ELAINE: So what did he have to say?

JERRY: Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.

ELAINE: Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: What did you do that for?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy.

JERRY: Oh

ELAINE: I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.

JERRY: Well, Clyde might not tell him.

ELAINE: How do you know that?

JERRY: I should have helped Kramer with those packages.

ELAINE: Ohh!

(Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded with dozens of pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway)

DENNIS: Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. I wonder, could you do me a favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder...

KRAMER: Uh-huh.

DENNIS: I wonder, could you pick up my mail?

KRAMER: Yeah. Sure. Sure.

DENNIS: In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week?

KRAMER: Drive the horse?

DENNIS: It'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. I'll split it with ya.

KRAMER: Oh, giddyup. Yeah.

GEORGE: This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

MRS. ROSS: Oh.

MR. ROSS: What are you complimenting her for? She didn't make it Rowenna did.

FRANK: What is this thing anyway?

MRS. ROSS: It's Cornish gamehen.

FRANK: What is that, like a little chicken?

GEORGE: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. (laughing) Little chicken. It's a gamebird.

FRANK: Gamebird?

GEORGE: Yeah.

FRANK: What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt it?

MR. ROSS: Yes.

FRANK: How hard could it be to kill this thing?

ESTELLE: I couldn't help but notice that you have quite a library in there.

MRS. ROSS: If I had a dime for every book he's actually read, (laughing) I'd be broke.

SUSAN: More wine anyone?

FRANK: Yeah. I'll take some.

SUSAN: Hmmm?

FRANK: Thank you.

SUSAN: How do you like the Merlot?

ESTELLE: Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they just invent it?

MRS. ROSS: Oh, mother.

GEORGE: She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.

FRANK: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

GEORGE: Why don't we talk about it another time.

FRANK: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

MRS. ROSS: Something's missing all right.

MR. ROSS: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

FRANK: That's perverse.

GEORGE: Did anybody see Firestorm?

MR. ROSS: Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture.

GEORGE: Yeah.

MR. ROSS: Remember when they had the helicopter land on top of that car --

FRANK: Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't seen it yet.

MR. ROSS: It doesn't have anything to do with the plot!

FRANK: Still! Still! I like to go in fresh!

GEORGE: Oh mother of God.

(clip clop)

KRAMER: Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On Rusty!

(applause)

JOHN: Thank you. Now, I'd like to play something th -- well, actually, it's my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy."

(saxophone playing)

GEORGE: Thank God that's over.

ESTELLE: The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard. I didn't like that.

FRANK: And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!

GEORGE: So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal.

ESTELLE: It is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm sorry. It's impolite.

FRANK: Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that!

ESTELLE: Your father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake!

GEORGE: What is this? The marble rye?

MRS. ROSS: Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that - that bread they brought.

ESTELLE: We forgot to bring it in.

FRANK: No, I brought it in. They never put it out.

MRS. ROSS: Where is it?

SUSAN: I don't know. Where'd you put it?

MRS. ROSS: Right over there.

SUSAN: Well, it's gone.

GEORGE: You stole the bread?

FRANK: What do you mean stole? It's my bread. They didn't eat it. Why should I leave it there?

GEORGE: Because we brought it for them!

FRANK: Apparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve.

MRS. ROSS: Is it possible they took it back?

SUSAN: Who would bring a bread and take it back?

MR. ROSS: Those people, that's who. I think they're sick.

ESTELLE: People take buses to get that rye.

GEORGE: Maybe they forgot to put it out!

FRANK: Aw, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate! Deliberate, I tell ya!

JERRY: He stole back the rye?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why.

JERRY: So, do the Ross's know?

GEORGE: I don't know. They're all very suspicious.

JERRY: Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear.

GEORGE: Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life.

JERRY: Bad situation.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye.

JERRY: What do you mean replace it?

GEORGE: You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.

JERRY: Well, there ya go. What's so hard about that?

GEORGE: What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment!

JERRY: All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom cab.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: Well, Kramer'll take them around for a while.

GEORGE: And it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?

JERRY: Are you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, clip clop. They're nuts for it.

GEORGE: So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there.

JERRY: What about Susan?

GEORGE: She's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock.

JERRY: Beautiful!

GEORGE: You think Kramer'll do it?

KRAMER: Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there at seven?

GEORGE: Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em around for about..half an hour.

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What the hell are you doing there?

KRAMER: It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some?

JERRY: No. No thanks.

KRAMER: Jerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I don't have any room for it all.

GEORGE: Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment?

JERRY: Just put it under your shirt.

GEORGE: Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge!

JERRY: I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after seven right after they leave.

GEORGE: Oh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! (laughing)

ELAINE: Hey. Is that your horse outside?

KRAMER: Yeah. That's Rusty.

GEORGE: What? He's outside?

KRAMER: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: Aw, come on. I wanna go see him.

KRAMER: You wanna go see him?

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey! Hey!

KRAMER: I'll show ya Rusty.

GEORGE: Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?

ELAINE: Well, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.

JERRY: So, you think Clyde told him?

ELAINE: He wrote a song about it!

JERRY: Well, maybe it's a good thing.

ELAINE: No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?

JERRY: No, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very pleasant.

ELAINE: You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!

JERRY: No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.

ELAINE: I can't! He's got a big showcase for record producers at his late show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll upset him.

MR. ROSS: Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it.

GEORGE: Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. It's - it's the least I can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?

MR. ROSS: Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You, uh, seem a little nervous George. Anything wrong?

GEORGE: Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could I, uh, could I get a glass of water?

MRS. ROSS: We've got water. I don't think we have any bread, but we've got water.

KRAMER: Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno. (singing) I'm so keen-o On Beef-A-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.

MR. ROSS: Nice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay George?

MRS. ROSS: You know, George we haven't done anything romantic like this in ....years.

GEORGE: (thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a stupid mistake? He'll never show up!

(clip clop)

KRAMER: Ah ha!

GEORGE: There he is. Right on time as usual.

COUNTER WOMAN: 53.

MABEL: 53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic, in a bag.

COUNTER WOMAN: Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one.

JERRY: Wait a second, that's your last marble rye?

COUNTER WOMAN: That's right.

JERRY: There's none left?

COUNTER WOMAN: That's what I said. Number 54.

JERRY: Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may depend on it.

MABEL: Well, I'm sorry, but you should have got here earlier.

JERRY: Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up.

MABEL: You're not getting this rye --

JERRY: All right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it.

MABEL: You're in my way!

KRAMER: Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and I'll be your driver for this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you.

MRS. ROSS: My favorite.

KRAMER: Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty!

(clip clop)

JERRY: All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.

MABEL: No? Watch me.

JERRY: Give me that rye!

MABEL: Stop it!

JERRY: I want that rye, lady!

MABEL: Help! Someone help!

JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!

MABEL: Stop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble rye!

ELAINE: I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were hot and heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?

JOHN: Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda disappointed.

ELAINE: Disappointed?

JOHN: Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde told me that.

ELAINE: You were?

JOHN: Absolutely.

ELAINE: Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved!

JOHN: Listen, uh, I've still got a couple of hours to kill before the next show. My place is only a few blocks from here.

ELAINE: Really?

JOHN: And you know what?

ELAINE: What?

JOHN: I've been thinking about what we do and I'm thinking..of...adding a new number to my, you know, repertoire.

ELAINE: Ohh!

(clip clop)

(Rusty snorting)

KRAMER: Y'aah!

(clip clop)

(Rusty farts)

MRS. ROSS: (sniffing) What is that?

MR. ROSS: I think it's the horse.

MRS. ROSS: Oh, God.

KRAMER: Hey, how's everything? You..you need anything?

MRS. ROSS: This is - this is...horrible.

MR. ROSS: Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal?

KRAMER: Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff.

MRS. ROSS: I can't take this. Let me out of this thing!

MR. ROSS: Turn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here! And hurry it up!

KRAMER: Rusty! Rusty!

GEORGE: (whistling)

(clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly louder)

KRAMER: Whoa!

GEORGE: Wha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon?

MR. ROSS: Ask Rusty.

KRAMER: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.

MRS. ROSS: Thanks for nothing! Come on, George. Let's go upstairs.

GEORGE: What the hell happened?

KRAMER: The horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno.

GEORGE: Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!

KRAMER: Well, I overbought!

MR. ROSS: George.

GEORGE: (muttering)

MUSIC GUY: What's going on? Where is he?

MANAGER: Uh...he'll be here soon.

MUSIC GUY: I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm not gonna stay here all night.

JERRY: How much did you give him?

KRAMER: Just a can. But he really liked it, though.

GEORGE: Jerry! Up here!

JERRY: Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this?

GEORGE: I can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up!

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me?

JERRY: Will you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.

KRAMER: I don't wanna go back on there!

GEORGE: Come on!

JERRY: (grunting as he throws bread into the air)

GEORGE: (grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea.

ELAINE: No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were very good. You just don't have to try so hard. Good luck, honey.

GEORGE: Come on! Come on!

JERRY: Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away.

(George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover everyone staring at him)

GEORGE: Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. (grunting)

MANAGER: Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.

(applause)

(John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is being created by the instrument)

The End

S7E12 - The Caddy

Broadcast date: January 25, 1996

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brenda Strong ..................... Sue Ellen Mischke

Armin Shimerman .............. Stan (The Caddy)

Arthur Rosenburg .............. Judge

Cynthia Madvig................... Woman #1

Marilyn Tokuda .................. Woman #2

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Phil Morris ...................... Jackie Chiles

rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

rc: Larry David ..................... George Steinbrenner (uncredited)

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I don’t know why people are surprised, when someone gets hit in the head, with a golf ball. Do you ever watch these tournaments on TV? You got 600 people crowding around a hole that big (hands in the shape of a golf hole) and no one can believe it when a Titleist gets bounced off of someone’s coconut. You know you throw a rock into a crowd, that’s considered terrorism... but if you have a nice follow through (makes a pretend golf swing) you know - that’s golf (pointing finger in the air). I’m always impressed actually with the golf cameraman, who’s job it is, to, follow the golf ball when it’s in the sky. You know what I mean, it’s a little white ball, it’s doing a hundred miles an hour on a white background -- I got it, I lost it, I got it, I lost it, I got it, I lost it, (spinning back and forth) -- Why bother... aim the camera at the sky, aim it at the ground, take a ball out of you pocket, throw it down -- who’s gonna know where the hell it came from.

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: How did you lock your keys in the car?

GEORGE: How? Cause I’m an Idiot.

JERRY: So why don't you get a locksmith?

GEORGE: I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up.  Just waiting for the membership to kick in.

JERRY: How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot?

GEORGE: I don't know, about three days.

(Kramer enters with golf clubs)

KRAMER: Hello boys.

JERRY: Y- you're not playin' golf?

KRAMER: Yes, indeed.  The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring are out.

GEORGE: Are the courses open?

KRAMER: No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been going through the caddies entrance.

GEORGE: Huh, No kidding?

KRAMER: Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. (sucks in air through tight lips) Oh, that's my dream, Jerry.

JERRY: Really, you're getting that good?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm the real deal.

(Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)

KRAMER: Yeah, here, Stan, in here!

(Stan enters)

KRAMER: There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy.

GEORGE: How ya doin'?

JERRY: Hi.

STAN: Nice to meet you.  Ready to hit the links, Kramer?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, you betcha.

STAN: What are those, ah, cotton pants?

KRAMER: Yeah, Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?

STAN: Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.

KRAMER: Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan.  Alright, we'll see you guys later, huh?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah, we'll see ya.

(Kramer and Stan leave)

GEORGE & JERRY: (together -- with arms extended -- palms upwards)  Stan The Caddy.

[On the street]

SUE ELLEN: Elaine?

(Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)

SUE ELLEN: Hi!

ELAINE (thinking to herself):  Oh, great.  It's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding?  Look at her, she's totally out of control.

SUE ELLEN: I was thinking that woman looks like Elaine Benes.

ELAINE: Yeah, ha ha ha.  What have you been up to?

SUE ELLEN: I've just been hanging out.

ELAINE (nodding): I see.

SUE ELLEN: Hmm. Oh, listen!  I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening, I'd love it if you came by.

ELAINE: Oh Tomorrow...?

SUE ELLEN: Um-hm.

ELAINE: I don't know if I can.

SUE ELLEN: Nooo?

ELAINE: Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.

SUE ELLEN: Oh, that's too bad.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah.

SUE ELLEN: Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha ha ha.

ELAINE: Ah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[Yankee Stadium]

WILHELM: George!?

GEORGE: (he drops a paper airplane he was holding) Mr. Wilhelm!

WILHELM: I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr. Steinbrenner and I really want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting in… Oh, and, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boss thinks you're the man for the job!  So, keep it under your hat!

[Exterior at dusk of Jerry's Apartment, then inside Jerry’s apartment]

GEORGE: Assistant to the General Manager!!  Do you know what means?!?  He'd could be askin' my advice on trades!  Trades, Jerry, I'm a heartbeat away!

JERRY: That's a hell of an organization they're running up there.  I can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.

GEORGE: And, it is all because of that car…

(shot of Steinbrenner’s car pulling into his parking space and getting out of the car, with the Costanza sign in the background )

GEORGE: …See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn.  He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in…

(night shot of Wilhelm walking out to the parking lot, he sees George’s car and nods approvingly)

GEORGE: …Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm.  He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil.  Between the two of them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day! (he stands there with his hands on his hips, a wide grin - laughing.)

JERRY: Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey, how ya doing?!?

ELAINE: Better, now.

JERRY: Yeah, what happened?

ELAINE: You know Sue Ellen Mishke?

JERRY: Sue Ellen Mishke?

ELAINE: Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last year...

JERRY: Sounds familiar.

ELAINE: The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune--

JERRY: Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.

ELAINE: Yes. Yes  I ran into her today.  This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.

GEORGE: Ah, that is disgusting--

JERRY: That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no--

GEORGE: She’s a pig. The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--

JERRY: It's wrong, it's rude, and it's incorrect.

GEORGE: It's disgusting--

ELAINE (getting up to leave):  Alright, there's no---

GEORGE: Come on! Come-on.

JERRY: We're only kidding!

ELAINE: You don't understand.  See, she hasn't changed at all.  She stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. (flashback sequence) I was at this party, and I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door!

JERRY (excited): She's your Lex Luthor!

ELAINE: Her birthday's comin' up, see, so I decided to get her a little present.

JERRY: What are you going to get her?

ELAINE: A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier.

JERRY: There's nothing subtle about that.

GEORGE: No, no, she might just think it’s a gift.

JERRY: Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift?

[Monk's]

GEORGE: Ahh, Hey-Ho. ahhhhh (exhales)

JERRY: What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at work?!?

GEORGE: Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!

JERRY: So, you're just taking off from work?

GEORGE: Yeah well, they won't know.  I got the car there.

JERRY: Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the verge of this big promotion?

GEORGE: My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances.

[Elaine's office at J Peterman]

RECEPTIONIST: (on Intercom)  Sue Ellen Mishke to see you.

ELAINE:  Sue Ellen Mishke?  Ah, alright, send her in.

(Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black blazer)

SUE ELLEN: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Hellllloo.

SUE ELLEN: I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop in, and thank you for your lovely gift.

ELAINE: Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.

SUE ELLEN: Is anything wrong?

ELAINE: Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra.

SUE ELLEN: Oh, I know. Thanks again.

[The Rosses cabin]

GEORGE: This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?

SUSAN: Wanna check out a swap meet?

GEORGE: Yeah, maybe. (snifs) Where'd you get that?

SUSAN: Oh, it was on the windshield of the car when we came out of that rest stop.

(George sits up suddenly; realizing something)

[Jerry's apartment, phone ringing]

(Jerry hits part of the phone receiver with his right hand to make the phone receiver pop up into the air -- he grabs it in his left and answers)

JERRY : Yello.

GEORGE: (on a pay phone) Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor.

JERRY: What's goin' on?

GEORGE: I just remembered, th-th-there's this Chinese restaurant out near Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.

JERRY: Yeah, so?

GEORGE: Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, take the flyers off my car.

JERRY: You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off your car, where does it end?!?

GEORGE: Alright, fine. I'll drive the 3 hours each way, 6 hours all together, and take 'em off myself!!

JERRY: Alright, alright, I'll do it!!

(Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)

KRAMER: Oowe (Kramer noise -- he’s eating something)

JERRY: Hey, what are ya up to?

KRAMER: Nothin'.

JERRY: You wanna go with me up to (clap) the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car.

KRAMER (excited): Sure!

JERRY: I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I? (throws coat over his right shoulder)

KRAMER: yep.

(As they turn to go out the door, Kramer walks into the wall where the intercom is -- Jerry is pulling the door shut and Kramer avoids touching any part of the door, he turns quick as it shuts.)

[Exterior of Yankee Stadium then to the parking lot.]

(George's windshield is has a lot of flyers on it and the car is covered with bird droppings -- a bunch of pigeons are on the roof)

JERRY: Oh, man, look at this mess!  You know what's gonna happen if they see this?

KRAMER: Wheehh

JERRY: What are we gonna do?

KRAMER: I don't know.

JERRY: Well, we gotta get it washed (pulls off a few flyers)....Ah, the keys are locked inside!

KRAMER: Wait a second....

JERRY: What are ya gonna do?

KRAMER: I'll just snag the lock with this. auhh…  Here we go...

JERRY: Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh?

[Leaving the Gentle Touch Car Wash: Jerry and Kramer driving George's car. Kramer is behind the wheel.]

KRAMER: Well, George has gotta be happy about this.

JERRY (indifferent): Yeah, yeah, yeah...

JERRY: Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?

(Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)

KRAMER:  Oh, mama.

JERRY: Kramer!!! (Jerry points to the lamp post they are about to crash into)

(Car crash sound)

[Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE: My God, are you okay?

KRAMER: Well I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder. (He has a large Band-aid on his forehead)

JERRY: I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it can make it.

ELAINE: So how did this happen?

JERRY: He was starin' at some woman!

KRAMER: Well I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing.

ELAINE: What woman?

JERRY: There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing just a bra.  I can't get that image out of my mind.

ELAINE:  Oh...my God.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?

JERRY: Yeah!

ELAINE: Ohhh!  That's Sue Ellen Mishke!

JERRY: Sue Ellen Mishke?

ELAINE: That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top!  The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on, she's a menace to society.

KRAMER: Hey you know, my arm really hurts.  I wonder if its gonna affect my golf swing.

(Kramer makes a horrible golf swing motion and collapses in pain over the back of the couch.)

KRAMER: Oohh.

(Stan the caddy enters)

STAN (out of breath): I got your message, how's the shoulder?

KRAMER: Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it!

STAN: Oh, no. Not the left arm!

KRAMER: Well what happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour, and all my dreams?

ELAINE: Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!

KRAMER: Sue her?

ELAINE: Yeah, she's loaded.  She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

KRAMER: Ah, No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee company.

ELAINE: Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!

KRAMER: What do you think, Stan?

STAN: Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer?

(Kramer smiles)

[Jackie Chiles' office]

JACKIE: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JACKIE: Then what happened?

KRAMER: Well then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.

JACKIE: No top?  She didn't have a top on?

KRAMER: Yeah. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.

JACKIE: Well how would you describe this woman?  Would you say she was an attractive woman?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

JACKIE: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight.  She's flouting society's conventions!

KRAMER: She was flouting.

JACKIE: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

KRAMER: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

JACKIE: Could you repeat that?

KRAMER: I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

JACKIE: O'Henry?  That's one of our top-selling candy bars.  It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!  Have you been to a doctor?

KRAMER: No.

JACKIE (speaking to the intercom): Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.

KRAMER: So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?

JACKIE: Like taking candy from a baby.

(Kramer mouths “Oh Yea” then motions his hand in a circle and clicks)

[The cabin]

GEORGE: I think I got it.  How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh?  Whadda ya think? That way I have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got a team! Ha ha ha.

SUSAN: I don't know, George. I'm still worried about this car thing.

GEORGE: Oh, would ya stop worrying?

SUSAN: Well, what about the flyers?

GEORGE: Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing covered.

[Yankee Stadium parking lot]

(Jerry having difficulty parking the car. Lots of smoke is coming from the vehicle. After getting the car in the space and hitting the Costanza parking sign, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it.  Finally he gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he goes)

[Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking]

STEINBRENNER: Come in!

(Wilhelm enters)

STEINBRENNER: Ah, Wilhelm.

WILHELM: Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned about George Costanza.

STEINBRENNER: How 'bout a 'good morning'?

WILHELM: Oh yes sir, good morning, good morning, sir.

STEINBRENNER: Good morning to you, Wilhelm.

WILHELM: Uh-a Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is bashed in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere. Obviously he was in some sort of a terrible car accident, and trooper that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.

STEINBRENNER: Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want the stadium scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen.

WILHELM: Yes sir. (he starts backing up to the door.)

STEINBRENNER: Put everyone on alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've gotta find that kid.

WILHELM: Yes sir, yes sir. (Opening the door)

STEINBRENNER: We must find George.

WILHELM: Yes sir.

STEINBRENNER: Find him, Wilhelm!

(Wilhelm closes the door)

WILHELM: (from behind the closed door in the hallway)Yes sir.

[The hallway in Jerry's building]

(As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue Ellen knocks 14 times on Kramer's door)

SUE ELLEN: Excuse me, do you happen to know the gentleman across the hall?

JERRY (mesmerized): Yes, yes, I do.

SUE ELLEN: Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon?

JERRY: No, I don't.

SUE ELLEN: Oh...

JERRY: Is there, something I can help you with?

SUE ELLEN: No, I really just needed to speak with him. (exhales)

JERRY: Well, you can wait for him in here if you like.

SUE ELLEN: Oh, well maybe I will.

(Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)

SUE ELLEN: If you don't mind.

JERRY: No, no, not at all.

SUE ELLEN: Thanks.

JERRY: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

[Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking]

STEINBRENNER: What is with these people, all day long. Come in, come in.

WILHELM: Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, w-we've searched everywhere, th-there's no sign of him. n-n-Not even anyone who remotely fits his description, sir.

STEINBRENNER: Oh my God. Do you know what this means, Wilhelm?

WILHELM: What, sir?

STEINBRENNER: He's dead! ca-Costanza's dead!

WILHELM: No no no sir. Well, you see, I don't think--

STEINBRENNER: Oh, as quickly as he came here, he's gone. The poor little guy! Easy.  Easy, big Stein, get it together.  Ok, Wilhelm.

WILHELM: Yessir?

STEINBRENNER: Find out where his parents live.

WILHELM: Parents.

STEINBRENNER: I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, ah, line up some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager position…

WILHELM: Yessir. (he starts backing up to the door.)

STEINBRENNER: we can't grieve forever!

WILHELM: Right. Yessir.

STEINBRENNER: We gotta get back to business!

WILHELM: Yes Sir! (closes the door)

STEINBRENNER: Back to Business Wilhelm!

WILHELM: (from behind the closed door in the hallway) Yes Sir!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer enters, he still has the Band-aid on his forehead)

KRAMER: Well, buddy, (claps) he's taking the case!  Jackie Chiles is right on it!  Right on it, he's all over it!

JERRY (not happy): Oh, really?

KRAMER: Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?

JERRY: I don't know…

KRAMER: uuh-

JERRY: …so the woman was walking around in a bra…

KRAMER: Yeah-

JERRY: … I mean it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching the road.

KRAMER: Well, your attitude has certainly changed.

JERRY: I don't think my attitude has changed.

KRAMER: Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify.

JERRY: (quietly, yet in a high and whiney tone) Well, I don't know if I....

KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!

JERRY: Kramer I don't think I can--

KRAMER: Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, Jerry!

JERRY: Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer.

KRAMER: Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!?

JERRY: Nothing's happened.

KRAMER (in disgust): Goohhhhck.

(As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage can)

KRAMER (picking up the wrapper): Ohhhh, what's this?

JERRY: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second… th-th-that--

KRAMER: Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?

JERRY: Kramer, it is not what you think.

KRAMER: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!  I know what I think.  I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.

JERRY: And what about yooou?!?  Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!

KRAMER: You're just out for sex!!

JERRY: You're just out for money!!

KRAMER and JERRY (together): Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!!!!!!

[The Costanza house, Queens]

(Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle opens the door)

STEINBRENNER: Mrs. Costanza?

ESTELLE (smiling): Yesss?

STEINBRENNER: My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some very sad new about your son.

ESTELLE: (gasps)

(Costanza living room)

ESTELLE (crying): I can't believe it, he was so young.  How could this have happened?

STEINBRENNER: Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first one in in the morning, last one to leave at night.  That kid was a human dynamo.

ESTELLE: Are you sure you're talking about George?

STEINBRENNER: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?

FRANK (yelling): What the hell did you trade Jay Buener for?!?  He had 30 home runs, and over 100 RBIs last year. He's got a rocket for an arm - - you don't know what the hell you're doin'!!

STEINBRENNER: Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat.  They kept saying 'Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps'.

[Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on his answering machine]

JERRY’S OUTGOING MESSAGE: “I’m not here, leave a message.”

FRANK (from the answering machine): Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr. Steinbrenner’s here, George is dead, call me back!

(The phone rings again, Jerry takes off his coat and throws his keys on the table.)

JERRY (answering phone): Hello?

GEORGE (on a pay phone): Hey, it's George.

JERRY: Where have you been?!?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I just got the most bizarre message from you father, Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!

GEORGE: Dead?

JERRY: Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a, it’s a little crumpled.

GEORGE: My car’s a little crumpled?!?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the stadium.  Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw the blood, they couldn't find ya, that's why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead!

GEORGE: Allright, I gotta head back right away, I'll-I’ll -- I gotta figure something out here.

JERRY: Well you gotta call your parents.

GEORGE: I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there!

JERRY: Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?

GEORGE: OOuuoo!  They could use the break!

(George hangs up the phone. Jerry holds the cordless phone way and makes a facial expression like “well that’s true.”)

[Elaine's office at J Peterman. She is at her desk, Peterman enters]

PETERMAN (holding up a bra): Elaine, do you see this?  Do you see what I'm holding in my hands?

ELAINE: Yeah, it's a bra.

PETERMAN: I saw a woman in our hallway wearing one of these as a top. (sits on the corner of the desk) What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will cross again some day.

ELAINE: w-What is this all about?

PETERMAN: I wanna market this item as a new direction in women's fashion.

ELAINE: Oh-oh, but-

PETERMAN: We're gonna sell this as a top. Here's the angle: Zelda Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties, driving all the men crazy (tosses the bra on Elaine’s desk)… Have it on my desk by the end of the week.

(Peterman leaves as Elaine looks up in disbelief.)

[Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking]

STEINBRENNER: Come in, come in.

(George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)

GEORGE: Mr. Steinbrenner--

STEINBRENNER (shocked): Ahhh, Ahhh!  Ah, ah ah!  Is it you?

GEORGE: Yeah, it's me sir.  It's been a harrowing few days. uuh, After the car accident, I-I crawled into a ditch, and managed to survive on, grubs and puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.

STEINBRENNER: Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those.

GEORGE: Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I-I think I may have found a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up that much.

STEINBRENNER: Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new Assistant to the General Manager.

GEORGE: I didn't get the job?

STEINBRENNER: Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our hands.  We had to make a move...

(Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches, and takes the bandage off his head)

STEINBRENNER: But, you still have your old job.  Of course, we'll have to dock you for the time you missed.  We're running a ball club here.  If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing you know its chaos!  And I can tell you this, (George closes the door) chaos does not work for the New York Yankees!  Not as long as I'm running the show!

[Courtroom]

JACKIE: So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?

ELAINE (on the witness stand): Yes...ummm, (leans into the microphone, pulling it closer it squeaks) yes, that's correct.

(Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer wearing his arm in a sling notices and seems worried)

JACKIE: And you have also brought with you, another bra, (goes over to the table and pulls a bra out of a bag) exactly like, the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!

ELAINE: Yes, that's correct.

(Kramer is now on the witness stand)

JACKIE: Uh, what was you golf score, the last round you played… uh, before you shoulder was injured?

KRAMER: Three under par.

(Stan nods proudly)

JACKIE (impressed): Oooohhhh, three under par, Hmm…That's what the professionals shoot, isn't it?

KRAMER: Well if they're lucky.

(Stan laughs, Elaine and Jerry are also amused. Kramer smiles and nods.)

(Jerry is now on the witness stand)

JACKIE: Well would you tell this jury exactly what you saw at the corner of 83rd Street and Columbus?

JERRY (hesitant): I...don't remember.

JACKIE: Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the bra?

JERRY: I don't know.  Maybe.

JACKIE: Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath.  Now I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing a bra?!?

(shots of Sue Ellen, Kramer, Elaine and Stan waiting for Jerry’s response.)

JERRY: ....Alright, alright, I saw her!…

(Sue Ellen rolls her head around in disbelief)

JERRY: And she was beautiful in that bra!  I'm crazy about her!  I love her whole free swinging, free wheeling attitude!

JUDGE (banging his gavel): This court will come to order!

JACKIE: No further questions, your honor.

JUDGE: You may step down.

JACKIE: Well Kramer, I think we got this wrapped up.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?

STAN: You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup.

KRAMER: What do you mean?

STAN: Have her try on the bra, see if it fits.

JACKIE: No, no, no, no!

KRAMER: Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.

JACKIE: Stan? Who the hell is Stan?

KRAMER: He's my caddy.

JACKIE: You're caddy?!?  This is a big mistake!

KRAMER: Gu-gu- cada-

JACKIE: Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke...try on the bra.

JUDGE: (bangs the gavel twice) This court will come to order!  Go ahead Miss Mishke, try it on.

(Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems too small. She cannot get the clasps to meet in the front.)

SUE ELLEN: Uhhh-Ah, it doesn't fit...I, I-I can't put it on.

JACKIE (to Kramer and Stan):  Damn fools!  Look at that!  We got nothin' now, nothin'! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listenin' to a caddy!

KRAMER: OK, OK-

JACKIE : This is a public humiliation!  You can't let the defendant, have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard.  A bra’s gotta fit right up against a person's skin, like a glove!

(Jackie raises his hand up -- the back of his hand to Kramer)

[Elaine's office]

(Two women enter wearing bras as tops)

WOMAN #1: Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?

ELAINE: Oh, no, I-I don't think so.

WOMAN #2: Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top.  It's a winner.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, thanks.

WOMAN #1: Are you sure you don't wanna go?  We have reservations.

ELAINE: Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table.

WOMAN #1: Ciao.

WOMAN #2: Ba-bye.

(Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)

The End

============================================================

Information on the Jay Buhner for Ken Phelps trade:

http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/readers/deadlineMLB.html

Readers: Worst deadline trades

1. Yankees send Jay Buhner to Mariners for Ken Phelps (14 letters)

Frank Costanza: "How could you have traded Buhner for Ken Phelps?"

I have asked myself the same question for years, and as much as I liked Jay Buhner as a player, I was happy to see him retire after being a Yankee killer for over a decade. I have been a Yankee fan from age eight, after their debacle in the 1981 World Series against the Dodgers. I was razzed growing up in New Jersey through the 1980s, a 10-year period when the Mets were good, and the Yankees were horrible! And the reason they were so bad? Because they made horrible trades for overrated, overpriced players like Ken Phelps and Danny Tartabull.

(The one player they could have traded -- Kevin Maas -- fizzled after they didn't trade him) And that brings me back to Jay Buhner. I still have images of that shaved head, pulling off acrobatic catches in right field of Yankee Stadium, only he was wearing a Mariners uniform. I recall him crushing home runs over the short porch at Yankee Stadium, again wearing an M's uni.

One can only imagine how many homers he would have had if he played his career as a Yankee (but sadly, like Mattingly, he may have never known a World Series because of the stupid trades of the 1980s). Ugh, one of the worst trades ever.

Marcus

Albany, N.Y.

============================================================

http://www.pubdim.net/baseballlibrary/ballplayers/P/Phelps_Ken.stm

Phelps' power was well-suited to the hitter-happy Kingdome, but when he ironically began to receive publicity about being underpublicized, the Mariners shipped him to the power-hungry New York Yankees for Jay Buhner in July 1988, a deal the Bombers would come to regret. Used as a part-time designated hitter and pinch-hitting power threat with the Yanks, Phelps initially contributed to the run effort, finishing up 1988 as the leader in the AL for home run percentage, going yard once every 12.38 at-bats.

============================================================

http://www.baseballsavvy.com/archive/art_ken_phelps.html

THE BOSS

"Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps"

It's a kid's game. Right, and Seinfeld was a show about nothing.

And maybe in Jersey, Bruce Springsteen is still the boss, but make no mistake, in The Big Apple, George Steinbrenner is The Boss. The Big Boss. Queso Grande. The Master of his Domain.

Let's update the numbers. OK, so the Yanks lost that last game in 2001, but George has brought his precious Yankees back to prominence, hasn't he? Five pennants and four World Championships in six years. Four in six, mind you. Probably get another one next year. He deserves his props, and if there's any talk about the Hall of Fame going on in those clubby, smoke-filled New York rooms, it isn't all that ridiculous. Not completely.

But let's not forget who this guy George Steinbrenner is, shall we. Just for a second. Because Seinfeld didn't base a character on him for nothing.

This is the guy who was banned from baseball twice, once for giving money to Richard Nixon. Richard Nixon! Nixon was a good baseball man, but please.

This is the guy who feuded with Yogi Berra, content to hold Oldtimers' Games without him.

This is the guy who ran his team into the ground for the better part of two decades, bumbling and stumbling with the Oscar Gambles of the world, before finally lucking out with Joe Torre (now there's a Hall of Famer).

This is the guy who wasted Don Mattingly's entire career.

This is the guy who couldn't make a one way elevator trip during the 1981 World Series without someone landing a punch.

This is the guy who inspired "101 Reasons to Hate George Steinbrenner." And that was a conservative estimate.

This is the guy who fired Billy Martin, what, twenty times?

This is the guy who to this day still threatens to leave the Bronx.

This is the guy who, according to George Costanza, "ruined the Yankees!!" Just about.

This is the guy who traded Jay Buhner for Ken Phelps. Jay Buhner for Ken Phelps. With his son missing and presumed dead, Frank Costanza wanted answers about the important things: "How could you trade Jay Buhner?!" "My people said we had to have this guy Ken Phelps. Ken Phelps, they said. Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps!"

So what is the point of all this? That George Steinbrenner is a flawed man? A winner, a loser, the object of our love, hate, scorn and ridicule? A man thoroughly worthy of his characterization on Seinfeld?

I don't know. It's an article about nothing.

Howard Cole

S7E13 - The Seven

Broadcast date: February 1, 1996

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Ken Hudson Campbell ........ Ken

Shannon Holt ..................... Carrie

Lisa Deanne ....................... Christie

Charles Emmett .................. Orderly

David Richards ................... Maitre d'

Matthew McCurley ............. Kid

Josh Abramson ................... Man #1

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Nightclub]

Jerry's standup piece.

I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up.

[Antique Toy Store]

(Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets, etc.)

ELAINE: (awed) Oh, look at this!

JERRY: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

(Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the front.)

ELAINE: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!

(Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress of mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on the chest and arms.)

JERRY: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.

ELAINE: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.

(Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store, and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she notices and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to Elaine's voice.)

ELAINE: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?

JERRY: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?

ELAINE: What d'you think?

JERRY: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.

ELAINE: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.

(Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.)

ELAINE: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.

CHRISTIE: I think your friend needs some help over there.

JERRY: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.

(Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much and she falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning her down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she rings the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from Christie.)

ELAINE: Hey!

(Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.)

[Restaurant]

(George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.)

SUSAN: A little baby girl?

KEN: Doctor says it could be any day now.

GEORGE: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?

CARRIE: Doesn't make you anything.

GEORGE: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.

(George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and Carrie look perturbed.)

SUSAN: So, have you picked out a name yet?

CARRIE: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.

SUSAN: Aww.

GEORGE: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.

KEN: You don't like Kimberley?

GEORGE: Ech. What else you got?

KEN: How about Joan?

GEORGE: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.

SUSAN: (warning) George!

CARRIE: Pamela?

GEORGE: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.

KEN: What?

GEORGE: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.

CARRIE: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.

GEORGE: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?

KEN: Yeah, but uh... Soda?

GEORGE: Yeah, that's right. It's working.

CARRIE: We'll put it on the list.

GEORGE: I solve problems. That's just what I do.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building a sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated by the way Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.)

KRAMER: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.

JERRY: You're really going to town with that turkey there.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.

(Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.)

KRAMER: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.

JERRY: It's on the door.

KRAMER: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.

(Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.)

KRAMER: Ah, 's no good.

(Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on, and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the mouthful he's taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it.)

KRAMER: No. That's bush league.

(Kramer heads toward the door.)

JERRY: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey!

KRAMER: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.

JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?

JERRY: What arrangement?

KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.

JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will.

(Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. What's with your neck?

ELAINE: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself.

JERRY: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.

ELAINE: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.

JERRY: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.

ELAINE: Ach, maybe.

JERRY: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.

ELAINE: I don't know.

JERRY: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...

<IMG SRC=http://tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 >

ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?

JERRY: Awright.

ELAINE: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away.

KRAMER: Aw, you really hurting, huh?

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.

KRAMER: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.

(Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck.)

KRAMER: Alright, lean forward, relax.

ELAINE: (worried) What? What?

KRAMER: Encounter shiatsu.

(Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.)

ELAINE: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?

KRAMER: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.

ELAINE: Ah hah.

KRAMER: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.

ELAINE: (seriously worried) Wha...?

KRAMER: He's a genius. Here we go...

(Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of the couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.)

KRAMER: From pain, will come pleasure.

Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her head and steps away, job done.)

KRAMER: Uh? Voila.

ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.)

ELAINE: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!

JERRY: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.

KRAMER: Awright, my work is done here.

(Kramer heads for the door.)

ELAINE: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!

KRAMER: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.

ELAINE: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?

JERRY: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck.

ELAINE: You really think he wants the bike?

JERRY: Oh yeah.

ELAINE: It took him like ten seconds!

JERRY: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.

[George's Car]

(George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy, smiling and whistling.)

GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.

SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you.

GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.

SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.

GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?

SUSAN: Yeah.

(George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.)

SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?

GEORGE: No, Seven.

SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?

GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...

(Susan scoffs.)

GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.

SUSAN: I don't think so.

GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?

SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.

GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.

SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!

GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!

SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!

GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him about his contretemps with Susan.)

JERRY: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.

GEORGE: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.

(Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.)

JERRY: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.

GEORGE: Alright, you having a good time there?

(Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the array of good within.)

JERRY: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.

GEORGE: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

(Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.)

JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.

GEORGE: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?

JERRY: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.

GEORGE: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it!

JERRY: (smug) I'm not engaged.

(George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.)

KRAMER: Ah, I got it.

JERRY: Got what?

KRAMER: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved.

JERRY: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.

KRAMER: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want.

(Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.)

KRAMER: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple.

JERRY: Sort of a mooching inventory.

KRAMER: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill.

JERRY: Alright.

KRAMER: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?

(George passes by as he goes to the fridge.)

JERRY: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.

KRAMER: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.

(George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer hears the hiss, and notices George.)

KRAMER: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.

[Restaurant]

(Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats, fastened to the collar.)

JERRY: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city.

(A member of staff approaches.)

MAITRE D': May I take your coat, miss?

CHRISTIE: Yes, thank you.

(The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store. Jerry looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him.)

[Monks']

(Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George fingers his chin thoughtfully.)

GEORGE: The same outfit?

JERRY: The exact same outfit.

GEORGE: How many days was it between encounters.

JERRY: Three.

GEORGE: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.

JERRY: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?

GEORGE: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.

JERRY: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?

GEORGE: Very curious.

JERRY: Indeed.

GEORGE: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.

JERRY: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.

GEORGE: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.

JERRY: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?

GEORGE: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.

JERRY: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's.

GEORGE: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.

JERRY: How about 'Mickey'?

GEORGE: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!

(George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a cigar in his mouth.)

KRAMER: Hey buddy.

JERRY: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?

KRAMER: No, that's yours. My half is gone.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?

JERRY: You cannot buy half a can of soda.

KRAMER: Well, why not.

JERRY: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay...

(Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite.)

JERRY: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...

(Jerry hold up a half banana.)

KRAMER: Alright.

JERRY: ...You bite it, you bought it.

KRAMER: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.

JERRY: Thank you.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?

ELAINE: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.

KRAMER: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.

ELAINE: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse.

KRAMER: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher.

ELAINE: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike.

KRAMER: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...

(Kramer holds one hand up above his head.)

KRAMER: I always put you up here...

(Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.)

KRAMER: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.

(Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her conscience. There is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head, expectantly.)

ELAINE: (grudging) Alright.

KRAMER: (points) Digidi.

(Kramer leaves and closes the door again.)

[Restaurant]

(George and Susan are having dinner.)

GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.

SUSAN: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.

GEORGE: Why not?

SUSAN: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it.

GEORGE: So, what're you saying?

SUSAN: They're gonna name their baby Seven.

GEORGE: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up!

SUSAN: I can't believe that they're using it.

GEORGE: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet!

SUSAN: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.

GEORGE: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses her face.)

ELAINE: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!

[Street]

(Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming the other way gives her a warning.)

MAN: Watch your step.

(Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision.)

ELAINE: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.

(Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.)

CHRISTIE: Excuse me. Elaine?

(Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.)

ELAINE: Huh?

(Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head and neck.)

CHRISTIE: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right?

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?

CHRISTIE: Yes. How y'doing?

ELAINE: (bearing up) I'm fine.

CHRISTIE: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.

(Christie walks away.)

ELAINE: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.

(Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.)

VOICE 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.

VOICE 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.

KRAMER: You got that right!

(A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.)

KID: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.

(Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.)

ELAINE: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!

[Outside Apartment Building]

(George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular apartment.)

KEN (O.C.): Hello.

GEORGE: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.)

ELAINE (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!

(Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's door.)

ELAINE: Kramer!!

JERRY: Hey

(Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.)

ELAINE: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?

(Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.)

JERRY: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?

ELAINE: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before.

(Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she moves.)

JERRY: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.

ELAINE: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie?

JERRY: You saw her? What was she wearing?

ELAINE: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck.

JERRY: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?

ELAINE: What d'you care?

JERRY: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.

(There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch, past the TV and is heading for the door.)

ELAINE: Did you have a nice ride?

KRAMER: Oh, great ride.

ELAINE: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!

(Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes his stumbling way upright again.)

KRAMER: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!

ELAINE: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.

KRAMER: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.

ELAINE: What? You never told me that.

KRAMER: Well, it's common sense.

ELAINE: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.

KRAMER: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this.

ELAINE: Yeah Jerry.

JERRY: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.

ELAINE: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?

KRAMER: Alright, I'm down.

JERRY: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.

[Newman's Apartment]

(Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give an impression of limitless wisdom.)

ELAINE: So, that's the situation.

NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...

KRAMER: Newman!

(Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.)

NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?

KRAMER: Uh, yeah.

ELAINE: Yeah.

NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.

(Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave.)

NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!

(Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.)

[Ken and Carrie's Apartment]

(Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is explaining about Seven.)

KEN: Why can't we use Seven?

GEORGE: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.

CARRIE: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.

GEORGE: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle!

KEN: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual.

GEORGE: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda.

KEN: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.

GEORGE: You don't care for Soda?!

CARRIE: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!

GEORGE: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing!

(Carrie jumps and gives a cry.)

CARRIE: Oh!

KEN: What is it?

CARRIE: I felt something.

KEN: Are you okay, honey?

CARRIE: I think I'm going into labour.

(George flashes a panicked expression.)

KEN: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital...

(Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.)

CARRIE: Okay.

KEN: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.

(Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. George trails along behind them, making suggestions.)

GEORGE: What about Six?

(Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.)

GEORGE: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.

(Ken has left, George follows out the door.)

GEORGE: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!

(George closes the door behind him.)

[Restaurant]

(Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie is wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings.)

CHRISTIE: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.

JERRY: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.

CHRISTIE: I know exactly what you mean.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you do.

(Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews thoughtfully.)

JERRY (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.

(Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.)

CHRISTIE: (horrified) Oh my god!

JERRY: Oh.

(Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much you can do.)

CHRISTIE: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change?

JERRY: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.

[Ken and Carrie's Car]

(Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one last attempt to save his name.)

CARRIE: Are we almost there?

KEN: Just keep breathing, okay.

CARRIE: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.

KEN: Okay.

GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.

(As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.)

KEN: Now's not the best time, George!

GEORGE: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...

KEN: (firm) George! She's in labour!

GEORGE: (angry shout) So am I!

[Newman's Apartment]

(Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration.)

NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?

(Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up.)

NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...

(Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards.)

NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.

ELAINE: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!

(Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried.)

ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half.

KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.

NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!

ELAINE: What?!

KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.

(Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.)

ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!

KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.

(Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes.)

[Christie's Apartment]

(Christie leads Jerry into her home.)

CHRISTIE: Here we are.

JERRY: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.

(Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.)

CHRISTIE: Well, I guess I'll go change.

JERRY: Yes, change. By all means, change.

(Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small framed picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same black and White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading a date written on the photo.)

JERRY (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses.

(Jerry gets up from his seat.)

JERRY (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.

(Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking indignant at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.)

CHRISTIE: Ahem! Are you looking for something?

JERRY: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.

CHRISTIE: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.

JERRY: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.

CHRISTIE: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed.

(Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.)

JERRY: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.

CHRISTIE: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.

(Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.)

JERRY: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?

CHRISTIE: (gesturing) Get out.

(Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it on him.)

JERRY: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.

[Hospital]

(Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also hustles along the corridor with the group.)

KEN: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.

GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then!

CARRIE: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!

(The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery room. Ken turns to face George.)

KEN: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!

(Ken strides into the delivery room.)

GEORGE: (desperate) Please! I have so little!

(George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.)

ORDERLY: Sorry sir, it's family only.

(The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through The window.)

GEORGE: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!

(George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying as He screams.)

GEORGE: Seven!!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the kitchen.)

JERRY: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.

(Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.)

KRAMER: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.

JERRY: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.

(Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. Kramer takes a look.)

KRAMER: (does a double take) Yikes.

JERRY: I know. Pretty steep.

KRAMER: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.

JERRY: Few do.

KRAMER: I'm good for it.

JERRY: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...

(Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands.)

JERRY: ...the food court is closed.

KRAMER: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more.

(Kramer leaves at a run.)

[Street]

(Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.)

ELAINE: Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell.

NEWMAN: Gangway!

ELAINE: This is my bike!

(Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.)

NEWMAN: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

(Newman begins to ride away.)

ELAINE: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme...

(Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.)

NEWMAN: Hey!! Help me!

(The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.)

The End

S7E14 - The Cadillac (1)

Broadcast date: February 8, 1996

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode, with The Cadillac (2)

Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Walter Olkewicz .................. Nick (Cable Guy)

Annabelle Gurwitch ............ Katy

Bill Macy .............................. Herb

Jesse White .......................... Ralph

rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc:  Sandy Baron .................. Jack Klompus

==================================================================

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner has he put his bags down than Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey! You're back!

JERRY: Oh, I'm back, baby.

KRAMER: Yeah, how was it?

JERRY: Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.

KRAMER: Good for you.

JERRY: I killed.

KRAMER: You killed.

JERRY: (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable.

KRAMER: Unbelievable.

JERRY: Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.

KRAMER: How much?

JERRY: (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...

KRAMER: Aw, c'mon.

JERRY: Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship.

KRAMER: I tell you how much I make.

JERRY: And I'm always impressed.

KRAMER: Just show me the cheque, c'mon.

JERRY: Awright, fine. You wanna see it?

KRAMER: I wanna see it.

JERRY: Okay.

(Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and hands it to Kramer.)

JERRY: Here, check that out.

(Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to his face.)

KRAMER: (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.

JERRY: I told you.

(Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked.)

KRAMER: My god, you're rich.

JERRY: (taking back the check) Oh yeah.

KRAMER: I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.

JERRY: I never shoulda told you.

KRAMER: You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it?

JERRY: No, I can't feel anything.

KRAMER: Well, what're you gonna do with all that money?

JERRY: Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity.

KRAMER: (pleased) Really?

JERRY: (deadpan) No.

KRAMER: Well, you should, Jerry.

JERRY: No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car.

KRAMER: Now, you see, that's nice.

JERRY: Maybe a Cadillac.

KRAMER: (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.

JERRY: Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it.

KRAMER: You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.

JERRY: Oh, isn't that what it's all about?

(Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement.)

[Monk's]

(Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy.)

ELAINE: Who was Pippi Longstocking?

KATY: Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know.

ELAINE: Did she have anything to do with Hitler?

KATY: Hitler? (thinks) Maybe.

(George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient.)

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: Hey George.

GEORGE: Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock.

(George twists round, so he can watch the door.)

ELAINE: (indicating) You remember Katy?

GEORGE: (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.

KATY: Also ear, nose and throat.

GEORGE: Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)

KATY: (amused) He's funny.

ELAINE: Ah, you don't have to tell me.

GEORGE: Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)

ELAINE: Oh, you know what? He got engaged.

KATY: Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.

GEORGE: What? Is that bad?

KATY: I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine.

GEORGE: Oh-ho, yeah?

KATY: You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys.

GEORGE: (curious) Bald? Uh?

KATY: Loves bald.

GEORGE: Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she?

KATY: Marisa Tomei.

GEORGE: (taken aback) The actress?

KATY: Yeah.

GEORGE: You're friends with Marisa Tomei?

KATY: That's right.

GEORGE: (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic!

KATY: Yeah, I know.

GEORGE: (more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her?

KATY: Yeah, she's just been sitting home.

GEORGE: (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!

ELAINE: (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his coat.)

JERRY: I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye.

(Jerry hangs up and turns to George.)

JERRY: Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac

GEORGE: Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.

JERRY: Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him.

(Jerry walks to the kitchen.)

GEORGE: You gonna sleep on the fold-out?

JERRY: (joyless) Yeah, yes.

(Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a plate.)

GEORGE: Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?

JERRY: The actress?

GEORGE: Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?

JERRY: Oh yeah.

GEORGE: Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: She happens to be very good friends with her.

JERRY: Marisa Tomei?

GEORGE: Uh-hmm.

JERRY: How does she know Marisa Tomei?

GEORGE: I don't know, I didn't ask.

JERRY: You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?

GEORGE: Not the point!

JERRY: Alright.

GEORGE: Can I finish?

JERRY: Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her.

(Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice cream.)

GEORGE: Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.

JERRY: What d'you mean, could've?

GEORGE: Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.

JERRY: Ohh!

GEORGE: Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type!

JERRY: Really?

(Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie.)

GEORGE: (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.

JERRY: You know, she won an academy award?

GEORGE: (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!

JERRY: Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.

GEORGE: I mean, you've seen her, right?

JERRY: Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.

GEORGE: (shout) Marisa Tomei!

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

GEORGE: I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips.

(George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of pie and ice cream.)

JERRY: You like full lips.

GEORGE: Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on.

(The two sit on the couch.)

JERRY: Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.

(Jerry takes a mouthful of pie.)

GEORGE: (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.

(There is a knock at the door.)

JERRY: (about the pie) This is no good.

(Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal a guy in a Plaza Cable cap.)

JERRY: Hi.

NICK: Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?

JERRY: No.

NICK: If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here?

JERRY: Sure.

NICK: Thanks.

(The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch.)

JERRY: (about the cable guy) Nice people.

(Jerry sits beside George again.)

GEORGE: Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her?

JERRY: Well, what about Susan?

GEORGE: (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?!

JERRY: Would you tell Susan about it?

GEORGE: (frustrated) Not necessarily.

JERRY: Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong.

GEORGE: (shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact!

(Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Hey, cable guy's looking for you.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.

JERRY: Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out.

KRAMER: Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.

JERRY: You don't seem too bothered by it.

KRAMER: You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between two and six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?

JERRY: Boy, I've never seen you like this.

KRAMER: Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.

[George's Apartment]

(George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video. Onscreen, Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems.)

MARISA: ...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick Skylark.

(Susan enters)

SUSAN: Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My Cousin Vinnie?

GEORGE: Yeah.

(Susan stands behind George as she speaks.)

SUSAN: I thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again?

GEORGE: I..I..I dunno.

SUSAN: Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.

(George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear he wishes Susan looked like that.)

SUSAN: Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me.

(Susan leaves to the bedroom.)

GEORGE: (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.

(When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping an eye open in case Susan returns.)

[George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE (O.C.): Hello.

GEORGE: (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.

(Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks to George.)

ELAINE: George. How come you're whispering?

GEORGE: (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?

ELAINE: No.

GEORGE: (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...

ELAINE: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.

GEORGE: (still quiet) The actress.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: (shouts) Marisa Tomei!

(Susan hears from the bedroom.)

SUSAN (O.C.): What?

GEORGE: (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?

GEORGE: Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.

ELAINE: What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged!

GEORGE: A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything.

ELAINE: Uhh. No George!

GEORGE: Elaine.

ELAINE: Forget it!

(Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust.)

GEORGE: Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!

(Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips the phone under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin Vinnie, to provide an excuse for his raised voice.)

GEORGE: D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy!

(Susan looks at him oddly.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and Kramer peers out into the hall through Jerry's peephole.)

ELAINE: I can't believe you're buying your father a car.

JERRY: And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.

ELAINE: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow.

(Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves over to the table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the 'on' position.)

ELAINE: I had no idea you had this kind of money.

JERRY: Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it.

ELAINE: Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position.

JERRY: Ah, it's just money.

ELAINE: (smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?

JERRY: Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?

ELAINE: I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all.

JERRY: Are you okay?

ELAINE: (squeaky) Sure, sure.

JERRY: What was that?

(Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry and Elaine to quieten down.)

KRAMER: Quiet, quiet.

[Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]

(Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders up to Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed.)

NICK: Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives here?

GEORGE: Yeah.

(George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still talking.)

NICK: (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning.

(Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited satisfaction.)

NICK: (still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all I do is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up with it much longer.

(The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak to Jerry and Elaine.)

KRAMER: I'm loving this.

(Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens the door. The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters. Kramer peers round George to check the cable guy's gone.)

GEORGE: Kramer, there's a guy out here that...

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

(Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes the door behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine.)

GEORGE: (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way.

ELAINE: Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this!

GEORGE: (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up!

ELAINE: You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?

GEORGE: (defensive) So what? So what if I do?

ELAINE: (shrill) You're engaged!

GEORGE: (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men!

JERRY: I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.

GEORGE: Yeah, what the hell?!

ELAINE: George! It's cheating.

GEORGE: (adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex!

ELAINE: Yes it is!

GEORGE: (frustrated) Ahh!

ELAINE: (looking for support) Jerry!

(Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank notes and is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that currency. She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money.)

JERRY: Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.

(Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash.)

GEORGE: (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates the phone) Please, make the call.

ELAINE: (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make...

(Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number.)

GEORGE: (triumph) Alright.

(Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was up to. He stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously been paying more attention, even as she dialled the phone.)

ELAINE: Eight-fifty.

JERRY: Oh, right.

(Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up.)

ELAINE: So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or...

JERRY: No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car.

(As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in his path, smiling flirtatiously.)

ELAINE: You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...

JERRY: Maybe I'll let you pick me up.

ELAINE: (big smile) Okay.

(Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads for the bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's line. As Elaine speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of dances.)

ELAINE: Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) Oh, really?

(Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease dancing.

ELAINE: Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks.

(Elaine turns to an expectant George.)

ELAINE: Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia.

GEORGE: (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over and grabs the box he's eating from.)

HELEN: Morty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another box) There's already a box of cookies open.

MORTY: I wanted a Chip Ahoy.

HELEN: I don't like all these open boxes.

(Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard.)

MORTY: Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.

(The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags.)

JERRY: Surprise!

MORTY: (shout) Jerry!

HELEN: (shock) Oh, my god!

MORTY: What the hell are you doing here?

JERRY: I'm a good son.

HELEN: Just like that? No calls?

JERRY: Just like that.

MORTY: Boy, you are really something.

HELEN: To what do we owe this great honour?

JERRY: You wanna know? Come on outside.

MORTY: Outside? What's going on?

HELEN: Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens.

(Helen darts out of the door eagerly.)

MORTY: (laughs) Heh hah!

JERRY: C'mon, c'mon.

(Morty follows Helen outside.)

[Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming in the Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it.)

JERRY: Well, what d'you think?

MORTY: Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?!

JERRY: I bought it for you. It's yours.

(Morty and Helen both look astonished.)

MORTY: You what? You bought me a Cadillac?

JERRY: I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.

HELEN: (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind?

JERRY: What?

MORTY: (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding?

HELEN: He's not buying us a Cadillac.

MORTY: What are you, nuts?

HELEN: It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back.

(Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back to Jerry.)

MORTY: (to Jerry) Can you believe this?!

HELEN: I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of money.

JERRY: How d'you know?

HELEN: Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.

JERRY: Why can't I buy my father a car?

HELEN: Your father doesn't need a car.

MORTY: Yes, I do!

(Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry.)

HELEN: Oh, Morty.

MORTY: We're keeping it.

HELEN: Over my dead body.

(Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle for possession, watched by Jerry.)

JERRY: (under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on a table, are his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer doesn't answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up.)

MACHINE (KRAMER): Giddyup.

NICK (O.C.): Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable.

(Kramer smiles on hearing the voice.)

NICK (O.C.): Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna be there from nine to one.

(Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to listen.)

NICK (O.C.): I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better to do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!

(Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs to himself.)

NICK (O.C.): You're not gonna get away with this!

[Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door. They're going through the features of the car.)

MORTY: Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.

JERRY: That's what I was thinking.

(Jack Klompus approaches the car.)

JACK: (pointing) Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hiya, Jack.

(Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it.)

MORTY: (indicating) So, how d'you like this?

JACK: Who's car?

MORTY: It's mine.

JACK: Yours?

MORTY: That's right. My son bought it for me.

JACK: He what?

MORTY: My son bought me the car. It's a present.

JACK: (disbelief) You bought it?

JERRY: That's right. I bought it.

MORTY: You ever see one so nice?

JACK: Some car.

MORTY: You wanna take a ride?

JACK: No, thank you.

MORTY: C'mon, take a ride.

JACK: I don't wanna take a ride.

MORTY: Why not?

JACK: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!

JERRY: He doesn't wanna take a ride.

MORTY: Uh huh.

JACK: (worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.

MORTY: (skeptical) Thousands?!

JACK: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac?

MORTY: (dismissive) Ahh!

JACK: (dismissive) Yaah!

(Jack angrily stalks away.)

MORTY: Could you believe that guy?

JERRY: Aahh!

[Hospital Room]

(George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone.)

GEORGE: Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa.

(The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing an oxygen mask and has an intravenous drip in her.)

GEORGE: You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, what d'you, what d'you think?

(Katy is still unconscious.)

GEORGE: (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and he answers it.)

KRAMER: Y'hello.

NICK (O.C.): (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some trouble on your line.

(Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice.)

KRAMER: Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.

NICK (O.C.): Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your neighbourhood.

(Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open a couple of blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone box across the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with the Plaza Cable insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the cable guy.)

KRAMER: (playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting.

NICK: We can fix that. We can fix that.

KRAMER: (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.

NICK: Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong work order.

KRAMER: Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove.

(Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on. It plays cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the door.)

[Street]

(Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening to the cheesy music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his watch. Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard.)

KRAMER: Hey, McNab!

(The cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window of a cab as it passes.)

KRAMER: Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?

(Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy, as the cab accelerates away.)

[Tenant's Committee, Florida]

(Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy looking Jack Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering. He bangs a gavel to get their attention.)

MORTY: Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence at the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids.

HERB: C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell are you doing?

MORTY: Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.

JACK: (half to himself) I'll bet you don't.

MORTY: What was that?

JACK: C'mon Morty, the jig is up!

MORTY: What're you talking about?

JACK: I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer.

HERB: What's going on, Jack?

JACK: I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury.

MORTY: Stealing?!

RALPH: What proof do you have?

JACK: Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. Now what more proof do you want?

MORTY: My son bought me that car!

JACK: Your son?

MORTY: Yeah.

JACK: Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!

HERB: Jack's right! He stinks!

RALPH: It's his material.

MORTY: I tell you, he bought it for me!

HERB: (bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation!

RALPH: I second.

(Morty looks dumbstruck.)

[George's Apartment]

(George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen, the ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines.)

MARISA: ...go introduce myself.

(Susan enters, with a bag of groceries.)

SUSAN: Hey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you have a thing for her?

GEORGE: (laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?

SUSAN: What are you talking about?

(Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking bemused by George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as he slips off into a daydream.)

[George Dream Sequence]

(George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light. Then Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress, and her hair up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at him lovingly.)

MARISA: Have I told you how much I love you today?

GEORGE: Not in the last fifteen minutes.

MARISA: Well, I do love you very much.

GEORGE: And I love you, Marisa.

MARISA: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.

(George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and slowly recline onto the couch.)

[George's Apartment]

(Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly reclining onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his head, in the fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head from the cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into the kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the couch and lies down.)

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious Morty delivers his news.)

HELEN: Impeachment?

MORTY: That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that?

HELEN: Can they do that?

MORTY: If they get the votes.

HELEN: I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.

JERRY: Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.

MORTY: It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.

JERRY: You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!

MORTY: No-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd have to move to Boca.

(There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn walks in.)

EVELYN: Hello?

JERRY: Oh, hi Evelyn.

(Morty sits by the table.)

EVELYN: Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.

HELEN: What'd he say?

EVELYN: He's voting to impeach.

(Morty thumps the table with his fist.)

EVELYN: Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.

MORTY: I did so thank him!

HELEN: (admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't hear you.

MORTY: Ah, he's deaf anyway.

EVELYN: Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided.

MORTY: Who's that?

EVELYN: Mrs Choate.

JERRY: Who's she?

MORTY: Oh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody. She's very tough to deal with.

HELEN: Maybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side of it?

MORTY: That's a good idea.

EVELYN: Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.

HELEN: (surprise) The Lichtenberg's?

EVELYN: Yes, they're having a party.

HELEN: We weren't invited.

EVELYN: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.

(Jerry puts his face in his hands.)

The End

S7E15 - The Cadillac (2)

Broadcast date: February 8, 1996

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode, with The Cadillac (1)

Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Marisa Tomei ....................... Herself

Walter Olkewicz .................. Nick (Cable Guy)

Ann Guilbert ....................... Evelyn

Frances Bay ......................... Mabel Choate

Bill Macy .............................. Herb

Jesse White .......................... Ralph

Annie Korzen ...................... Doris Klompus

Daniel Zacapa ...................... Power Guy (John)

Golde Starger ...................... Bldg "A"

Janice Davis ......................... Bldg "B"

Art Frankle .......................... Bldg "C"

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc:  Sandy Baron ................... Jack Klompus

==================================================================

[Montage]

JERRY (V.O.): Last week, on Seinfeld.

(A selection of scenes from The Cadillac (1) establish the story so far.)

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.)

JERRY (V.O.): Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed?

(Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up.)

JERRY: Hello?

(On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York.)

ELAINE: (flirtatious) Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Elaine? Wh..what's going on?

(Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats playfully with Jerry.)

ELAINE: (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.

JERRY: (a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?

(Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's comment.)

ELAINE: Well, it's just two hours by plane...

JERRY: Gee, I dunno what to tell you.

(There is a beep from Elaine's phone.)

ELAINE: Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.

(Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call.)

ELAINE: Yeah?

(The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing gown.)

GEORGE: (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!

ELAINE: (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number.

(George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch.)

GEORGE: Yeahhh.

ELAINE: Goodbye.

(Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with Jerry.)

ELAINE: (smiling and flirty) Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: So, what d'you think?

JERRY: Uh, I don't think so.

ELAINE: (disappointed) Oh.

JERRY: I'll be back on Monday.

ELAINE: Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you.

(Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks.)

ELAINE: (urgent) Jerry? Jerry?

JERRY: (putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.

ELAINE: (breathy) Bye.

JERRY: Bye.

(Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine.)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(The phone rings and Kramer picks up.)

KRAMER: Hello.

(Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on the phone. He's writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer.)

JOHN: Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed.

(Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the cable guy's tricks.)

KRAMER: Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?

JOHN (V.O.): Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of the wires.

KRAMER: Oh, you don't say.

(Kramer walks to his window as he listens.)

JOHN: (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment and do a safety check.

(Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there is no cable guy in the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the phone.)

KRAMER: (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good.

JOHN: (confused) What're you talking about?

(Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back on the table. John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief.)

[Monk's]

(Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy, and comes over.)

GEORGE: Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) And I wasn't even that nervous.

(Elaine watches George, as he rambles on.)

GEORGE: You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...

ELAINE: (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week?

(Elaine rises.)

GEORGE: Hey, where you going?

ELAINE: I got stuff to do.

GEORGE: What? You can't leave yet.

ELAINE: Why not?

GEORGE: We have to discuss my alibi.

ELAINE: Alibi? What does that have to do with me?

GEORGE: I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.

ELAINE: Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?

GEORGE: Yes.

ELAINE: (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me.

(Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George.)

GEORGE: Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?

ELAINE: What is the difference?

GEORGE: Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. Hmm?

(Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows his brow in concentration.)

GEORGE: Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you?

(George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets a flash of inspiration.)

ELAINE: Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me.

(Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture.)

GEORGE: (dismissive) It's no good.

(Elaine looks offended.)

ELAINE: (pointedly) Okay. Fine.

GEORGE: What?

ELAINE: I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.

GEORGE: Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process.

ELAINE: I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful.

GEORGE: (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.

ELAINE: (weary) Okay.

GEORGE: Alright?

ELAINE: Okay.

GEORGE: Okay.

ELAINE: Fine.

GEORGE: Good.

ELAINE: Fine, fine, fine.

(The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George gets the inspiration.)

GEORGE: Okay. How about this?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: (pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.

ELAINE: I don't have a boyfriend.

GEORGE: (still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do.

ELAINE: (not convinced) Ech.

GEORGE: It's good. Believe me.

ELAINE: I thought my idea was just as good.

GEORGE: The dentist thing?

ELAINE: (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.

GEORGE: Alright, the dentist thing was not good.

ELAINE: Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he?

GEORGE: (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.

ELAINE: (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?

GEORGE: That's your boyfriend.

ELAINE: What does he do?

GEORGE: He's an importer.

ELAINE: Just imports? No exports?

GEORGE: (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay?

ELAINE: Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?

GEORGE: (thoughtful) Yes. Yes.

ELAINE: (sighs) Yi-yi-yi.

(Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought.)

ELAINE: Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?

(Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical, and Elaine seems offended again.)

ELAINE: (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?

GEORGE: It's very complicated.

ELAINE: (definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right?

(George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down.)

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless Morty fusses around.)

MORTY: What're you doing? Are you making coffee?

HELEN: Yeah.

MORTY: Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too.

HELEN: Morty, you're driving me crazy.

MORTY: Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to impeach me, I'll be a laughing stock.

HELEN: You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences.

(The doorbell chimes.)

MORTY: There she is.

(Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate enters.)

MORTY: Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.

HELEN: Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat.

MRS. CHOATE: No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat.

HELEN: Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?

MRS. CHOATE: Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it.

HELEN: I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf you're wearing. Where did you get it?

(Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch.)

MRS. CHOATE: Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.

(Jerry enters.)

HELEN: Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry.

(Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as he recognises Mrs Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye".)

[New York Street, "The Rye"]

(Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag.

JERRY: Gimme that rye!)

MRS. CHOATE: Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!

(Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip.)

JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!

(Jerry races away down the street with the rye.)

MRS. CHOATE: (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Jerry manages to regain a normal expression.)

JERRY: Nice to meet you.

MRS. CHOATE: Hello.

MORTY: (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came from New York, didn't you?

(Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate connecting him with New York.)

MRS. CHOATE: Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the street?

(Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers and cups from the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate.)

HELEN: (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal a rye?

MORTY: That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything.

MRS. CHOATE: They're like savages.

JERRY: Yeah, there's some sickos out there.

MRS. CHOATE: (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met?

JERRY: You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?

HELEN: Maybe you've seen him on television.

MORTY: Jerry's a comedian.

MRS. CHOATE: Naw, I don't watch TV.

(Jerry has moved rapidly to the door.)

JERRY: (opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you.

MORTY: Jerry, don't go.

JERRY: Ah, I think I'll go.

(Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him.)

MRS. CHOATE: So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want?

[George's Apartment]

(Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat, heading for the door.)

SUSAN: Hey, where're you going?

GEORGE: Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine.

SUSAN: Elaine? What for?

GEORGE: I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.

SUSAN: I didn't even know she was dating anyone.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.

SUSAN: So what does he do?

GEORGE: He's an importer-exporter.

SUSAN: What kind of problems are they having?

GEORGE: (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.

(Susan looks unconvinced.)

SUSAN: Are you having an affair with Elaine?

GEORGE: (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.

SUSAN: Huh?

(George gives a smile and slides out the door.)

[Street]

(Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries. He becomes aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind him. Kramer shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is in a position he can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image of a Plaza Cable truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run.)

[Another Street]

(Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile comes to his face, as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a little shrug of satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and begins to walk on, with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the cable truck comes to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head him off.)

(The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger through the truck window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter bin, drops his groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his truck and begins to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning his groceries, sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit.)

[Variety of New York locations]

(Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later, by the cable guy.)

(Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and then sets off running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same wall and sets off after Kramer.)

(Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the cable guy just a few yards behind.)

(Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of the roof and looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly behind him, for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings. Despite his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up, and leaps across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks himself up and sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the same gap, looks down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting the leap.)

NICK: (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! You won't get away with this!

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters.)

MORTY: Alright, are you ready to eat?

HELEN: (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.

(Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and holding a comic book he's been reading.)

JERRY: (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?

HELEN: (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.

JERRY: (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?

MORTY: By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.

JERRY: I don't understand why we have to eat now.

HELEN: We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and six.

MORTY: Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?

JERRY: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?

HELEN: You're not buying us dinner.

JERRY: (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!

HELEN: Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard of.

(Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his comic book.)

[Park]

(George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and Marisa's looking interested, smiling and laughing.)

GEORGE: ...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. Ma-newer , right?

MARISA: (laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. 'Ma' and the 'newer'.

(Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily.)

MARISA: Did you just make that up?

GEORGE: What, you think I'm doing material here?

MARISA: (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously funny.

GEORGE: (modest) And I'm a little tired.

(Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously.)

MARISA: So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken?

GEORGE: Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged.

(Marisa's face falls in disappointment.)

MARISA: What?

GEORGE: I'm, you know, engaged.

(Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches George in the face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful spot where he received the blow.)

[Outside Scott's, Florida]

(A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives up to the front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right by the entrance.)

JERRY (V.O): Hey look, there's a spot right in front.

MORTY(V.O.): Always, Jerry. Always.

(The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's emerge Jack and Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick)

DORIS: Was that delicious or what?

JACK: Where you gonna get a better meal than that?

DORIS: Better than Danny's.

JACK: Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!

(The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus duo.)

MORTY: Hello Jack.

HELEN: Doris.

DORIS: Hello, hello.

JERRY: Jack.

DORIS: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi Doris.

JACK: Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird.

MORTY: Yeah, so?

JACK: (pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money.

(Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant.)

JACK: Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac.

(Morty is looking confident, even smug.)

MORTY: They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes.

JACK: That's what you think.

MORTY: We'll see.

JACK: Yes, we will.

JERRY: Awright, let's eat already.

(The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the Cadillac.)

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious looking Susan.)

ELAINE: Hi, Susan.

SUSAN: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.

(Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door.)

SUSAN: (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.

ELAINE: Oh, sure.

SUSAN: (dead serious) Are you having an affair with George?

ELAINE: (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no.

(Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard.)

ELAINE: (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep...

(Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies away.)

ELAINE: ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?

SUSAN: Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some problem that you were having.

ELAINE: (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.

SUSAN: Art Vandelay?

ELAINE: Yeah, Art Vandelay.

SUSAN: I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot.

ELAINE: (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay.

SUSAN: Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay?

ELAINE: It is so forgotten.

SUSAN: Alright.

(Susan moves toward the door.)

ELAINE: Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.

(Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her.)

SUSAN: So, was George helpful at all?

ELAINE: (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.

SUSAN: (not convinced) Yeah.

ELAINE: (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.

SUSAN: (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.

ELAINE: What'd I say?

SUSAN: The importing.

ELAINE: (caught out) I did. Uh...

SUSAN: So, what does he uh, import?

ELAINE: (extemporising) Uh... chips.

SUSAN: Oh. What kinda chips?

ELAINE: Potato.

SUSAN: Ah.

ELAINE: (embroidering) Some corn.

SUSAN: And what does he export?

ELAINE: Diapers.

SUSAN: (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you.

ELAINE: Oh, no, it's okay.

(Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes the door.)

ELAINE: Okay.

(The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her phone and dials a number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate for a response.)

ELAINE: (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.

[George's Apartment]

(Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens and George enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him. )

GEORGE: Hi.

SUSAN: Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import?

(George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment before replying.)

GEORGE: Matches? Long matches.

(Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George has received today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow, and Susan slams the door behind him.)

[Tenant's Committee, Florida]

(Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit beside each other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives are present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate coming in through the door.)

HERB: ...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute here. We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.

(Mrs Choate sits beside Morty. )

MORTY: Nervous, Jack?

JACK: What for?

MORTY: Because I have the votes.

Morty turns to Mrs Choate.

MORTY: Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.

MRS. CHOATE: Hello, Morty.

(Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs Choate.)

HERB: Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach?

RALPH: What does that mean?

HERB: It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty.

RALPH: So why don't you say that?

HERB: Hey, I'm running the meeting.

RALPH: If you think so.

HERB: Building A?

BUILDING A: For impeachment.

HERB: Building B?

BUILDING B: Against impeachment.

HERB: Building C?

BUILDING C: For impeachment.

HERB: Building D?

MRS. CHOATE: Against impeachment.

JACK: (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag.

(Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She thinks back.)

[New York Street, "The Rye"]

(Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing a marble rye. )

MRS. CHOATE: Help! Someone help!

JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!

(Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street. )

MRS. CHOATE: (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!

[Tenant's Committee, Florida]

(Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and addresses Morty. )

MRS. CHOATE: It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where I saw him. He stole my marble rye.

MORTY: My son never stole anything. He's a good boy.

RALPH: They should lock him up.

MRS. CHOATE: (pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) I change my vote. I vote to impeach!

BUILDING B: Me too. I change my vote.

HERB: All those in favour, say aye.

ALL (EXCEPT MORTY): Aye.

HERB: All opposed.

(Morty forlornly raises his hand. )

HERB: The ayes have it. The motion passes.

(Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty.)

HERB: Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. As vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is hereby installed as president.

(Jack stands to acknowledge the honour. )

HERB: Hear, hear, Jack.

(Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud him. A disgruntled Morty remains silent. )

[Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]

(A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door. He knocks and there's no response. )

NICK: (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) Anyway, that's it.

(The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens, and Kramer emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a few seconds. Then Kramer steps forward and they hug. )

[Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home. Helen holds his coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him a blue hat. Jerry enters through the front door. )

JERRY: The bags are in the car, I guess we better go.

(Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over her arm. Morty waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He stands by the door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits, closing the door behind him.)

[Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]

(The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they walk, they pass the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod acknowledgement. As they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands in the open door of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big smile, and arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before climbing into the car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and Morty slowly drives the Cadillac away.)

The End

S7E16 - The Shower Head

Broadcast date: February 15, 1996

Written by Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jay Leno ................................ Himself

Ron West .............................. Dr. Strugatz

Tim deZarn ........................... Salesman

Michelle Bonilla ...................... Waitress

Angelo Di Mascio Jr. ............. Man

rc: Wayne Knight .................. Newman

rc: Estelle Harris .................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ....................... Frank Costanza

rc: Liz Sheridan ..................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin .................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Len Lesser ........................ Uncle Leo

rc: John O'Hurley ................... J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Elaine in a doctor's office.]

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.

DOCTOR: I'll need a urine sample.

ELAINE: Right.

[George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.

ELAINE: Oh, Come on.

JERRY: Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?

GEORGE: Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?

JERRY: Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.

ELAINE: The Tonight Show?

JERRY: Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?

ELAINE: Are you doing new material?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: I don't think so.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?

JERRY: No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.

KRAMER: Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.

(Kramer exits.)

ELAINE: So what are your parents doing here in new York?

JERRY: Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.

ELAINE: So what are their plans?

JERRY: Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.

ELAINE: You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?

JERRY: No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her.

GEORGE: Uncle Leo's having regular sex?

JERRY: Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.

JERRY: (answering phone) Hello?

MORTY: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.

JERRY: You gotta be there at 4:30.

MORTY: But it comes on 11:30.

JERRY: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.

MORTY: How long they been doing this?

JERRY: 30 years.

MORTY: Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?

JERRY: All right, I'll see you later.

ELAINE: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?

GEORGE: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?

JERRY: Yeah, it is.

GEORGE: I mean, they're retired.

JERRY: No economic reason for them to be here.

GEORGE: They have no friends.

JERRY: No social reason for them to be here.

ELAINE: You're all grown up.

GEORGE: Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you.

(George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.)

JERRY (answering phone again) Hello?

HELEN: Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.

JERRY: I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?

HELEN: I can do that.

JERRY: You know Dad just called me.

HELEN: Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.

JERRY: Yeah, all right, well I got some people here.

HELEN: Ok.

JERRY: All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now.

ELAINE: Ahh.

JERRY: I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!

ELAINE: They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?

JERRY: The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.

ELAINE: How's that gonna happen?

[Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.]

UNCLE LEO: It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week.

JERRY: (to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?

UNCLE LEO: Ah, she's a real tiger.

JERRY: I don't know how you do it.

UNCLE LEO: What?

JERRY: A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business.

UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Well...

UNCLE LEO: Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.

JERRY: Hey, it happens.

UNCLE LEO: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.

JERRY: He has no idea who you are.

UNCLE LEO: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.

JERRY: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.

UNCLE LEO: Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.

JERRY: Well, keep looking.

[Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work.]

PETERMAN: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.

ELAINE: What? Why not?

PETERMAN: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.

ELAINE: Opium?

PETERMAN: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

ELAINE: Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.

PETERMAN: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

ELAINE: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.

PETERMAN: All right, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes.

[George and his parents at their home in Queens.]

GEORGE: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter.

FRANK: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.

ESTELLE: What extremities?

GEORGE: You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.

ESTELLE: So George, why are you here?

GEORGE: What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table)

ESTELLE: What's this.

GEORGE: That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up.

ESTELLE: I don't bet.

GEORGE: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.

ESTELLE: I don't swim.

GEORGE: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.

ESTELLE: Are you trying to get rid of us?

GEORGE: Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.

[Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting a chart and shaking his head no.]

ELAINE: No?

(The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.)

[Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is flat.]

KRAMER: Jerry? Jerry!

(Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.)

KRAMER: Wha, you too?

JERRY: Yeah!

KRAMER: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.

JERRY: Me either.

KRAMER: If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

JERRY: You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.

KRAMER: (leaving) Aw.

JERRY: Where are you going?

KRAMER: I gotta find another shower.

[Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door. Newman answers, with flat hair.]

KRAMER: They got you too?

NEWMAN: This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!

(Kramer backs away then runs down the hall.)

[Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in.]

KRAMER: Oh, Elaine. Yeah.

ELAINE: Kramer, you look terrible.

KRAMER: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.

ELAINE: What's wrong with your shower?

KRAMER: There's no water pressure.

ELAINE: Why don't you just go see Jerry?

(Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office door and pauses.)

KRAMER: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.

PETERMAN: (busting in) Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!

(Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)

ELAINE: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?

PETERMAN: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.

ELAINE: Huh?

PETERMAN: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.

PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

[Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.]

HELEN: All they serve is chicken?

JERRY: There's more food down the hall.

MORTY: Wrap it up, we'll take it home.

(George walks in with his parents.)

JERRY: Oh, hi.

ESTELLE: Hello Seinfelds.

MORTY: Hello.

HELEN: Hi.

FRANK: This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.

ESTELLE: Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you.

JERRY: Actually, I'm drunk.

GEORGE: Hey, hey, how was Florida?

MORTY: Well, we just bought a new place down there.

ESTELLE: I know, we were looking at the brochure.

MORTY: What?

HELEN: Why, you thinking of moving?

FRANK: Not really.

MORTY: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.

FRANK: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?

MORTY: That's right. They went like hotcakes.

FRANK: How'd you get yours?

MORTY: Got lucky.

FRANK: Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!

JERRY: I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.

[Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin and talking with a waitress.]

ELAINE: How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?

WAITRESS: Yeah, it's hard to figure.

ELAINE: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bush-men of the Kalahari.

WAITRESS: Ah, the bush-men?

ELAINE: And the bush-women.

MAN: (also seated at the counter) Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.

ELAINE: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.

MAN: Well, you know what opium is made from...

ELAINE: (as though receiving a revelation) Poppies!

[Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.]

JAY LENO: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?

JERRY: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.]

JERRY: Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused her of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

(Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.)

JERRY: Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great?

KRAMER: (halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.

JERRY: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?

KRAMER: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?

JERRY: No good?

KRAMER: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.

JERRY: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?

KRAMER: Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.

JERRY: (offering a plate) Chicken?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!

JERRY: Poppy seeds!

KRAMER: Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken?

ELAINE: Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.

(There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.)

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?

ELAINE: Oh c'mon, Newman.

NEWMAN: I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind?

ELAINE: Jerry?

NEWMAN: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

JERRY: Not from the footage I've seen.

NEWMAN: Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?

KRAMER: I'm down.

NEWMAN: Jerry?

(Jerry nods reluctantly.)

[Frank and Estelle's house.]

ESTELLE: So, Georgie, we have some big news for you.

GEORGE: Big news?

ESTELLE: We're moving to Florida.

GEORGE: (ecstatic) What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?

FRANK: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.

GEORGE: What do you mean?

FRANK: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!

GEORGE: So you're moving there for spite!

FRANK: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!

GEORGE: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!

ESTELLE: So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us?

GEORGE: Oh, every chance I get.

ESTELLE: (warmly) Ohhh.

[George busts into Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!

JERRY: What's going on?

GEORGE: My parents are moving to Florida!

JERRY: Are you kidding?

GEORGE: Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!

JERRY: Where are they moving to?

GEORGE: Del Boca Vista!

JERRY: Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!

GEORGE: I know!

JERRY: We could visit together!

GEORGE: Every five years!

(They 'high five' each other.)

JERRY: That's incredible!

GEORGE: I know, I know and you know why they're moving there?

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: To spite your parents!

JERRY: To spite my parents?

GEORGE: Yeah!

JERRY: Your parents are crazy!

GEORGE: I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!

JERRY: My parents are moving back too!

GEORGE: Beautiful!

[Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.]

MORTY: I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida.

HELEN: He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened?

(Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.)

MORTY: Hello?

VOICE: This is Frank Costanza.

MORTY: What do you want?

FRANK: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!

(Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up.)

MORTY: I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.]

GEORGE: I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.

JERRY: You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.

(The phone rings, Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello.

MORTY: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.

JERRY: Oh, hi dad.

MORTY: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.

MORTY: What was that?

JERRY: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?

MORTY: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.

JERRY: But it's a big complex.

MORTY: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.

JERRY: All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.

GEORGE: What? Why?

JERRY: Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.

GEORGE: Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.

JERRY: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.

[Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.]

UNCLE LEO: Move back with Lydia?

JERRY: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.

UNCLE LEO: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.

JERRY: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

UNCLE LEO: But she's an anti-Semite.

JERRY: Can you blame her?

[Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.]

HELEN: You don't think he minds us staying here, do you?

MORTY: Why would he mind? We're his parents.

(Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's parents.)

ELAINE: Oh.

HELEN: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: Hello. Jerry's not here?

HELEN: No.

ELAINE: Huh. (pause) Oh my god.

HELEN: What?

ELAINE: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.

HELEN: Why?

ELAINE: It's a long story.

HELEN: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.

ELAINE: What are you gonna do in there?

HELEN: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?

ELAINE: You gotta do me a favor.

HELEN: Elaine, I really--

ELAINE: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.

HELEN: You want my urine?

ELAINE: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

HELEN: I don't know.

ELAINE: Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?

HELEN: Well, what am I gonna do it in?

ELAINE: Well, one of those glasses.

HELEN: Jerry's glasses?

ELAINE: Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.

HELEN: Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?

ELAINE: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.

HELEN: Or maybe a juice glass.

ELAINE: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.

HELEN: This one is kind of scratched.

ELAINE: It doesn't matter.

HELEN: Howbout A milk glass.

ELAINE: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.

HELEN: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.

ELAINE: Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!

[Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an alley.]

SALESMAN: All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.

JERRY: What do you recommend?

SALESMAN: What are you looking for?

KRAMER: Power, man. Power.

NEWMAN: Like Silkwood.

KRAMER: That's for radiation.

NEWMAN: That's right.

KRAMER: (pointing to the largest one) Now, what is this?

SALESMAN: That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi-

KRAMER: Well that's what we want, the Commando 450.

SALESMAN: Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.

NEWMAN: We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry?

KRAMER: He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.

[Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.]

HELEN: It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small.

MORTY: First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?

(There's a knock at the door.)

MORTY: Who is it?

SUPER: It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms.

MORTY: Low flow? I don't like the sound of that.

[Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.]

PETERMAN: So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.

ELAINE: Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?

PETERMAN: I'm afraid I can't take you.

ELAINE: What? Why not?

PETERMAN: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.

ELAINE: But I wanted to see the bushmen.

PETERMAN: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

[Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their bags. They have flat hair.]

JERRY: Well, it's been a great visit.

MORTY: Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.

JERRY: Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George.

HELEN: George must be happy about that.

JERRY: You have no idea.

[George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.]

FRANK: Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.

ESTELLE: What does he want with your swim trunks?

FRANK: Why should they go to waste?!?

[Kramer, in the shower]

(He's got the Commando 450 shower head hooked up. He turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards. He grabs the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to turn the faucet off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds in knocking over a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough by the water to become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls out of the shower, and out of camera range.)

The End

S7E17 - The Doll

Broadcast date: February 22, 1996

Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mark Metcalf ........................ Maestro

Kathy Griffin ........................ Sally

Mary Jo Keenen ................... Deena

Monica Allison ...................... Stewardess

Larry Braman ....................... Stage Manager

John Lizzi ............................. The Other Guy

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Setting: Night club]

(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)

JERRY: Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)

SALLY: Jerry!

JERRY: (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!

SALLY: (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs slightly)

JERRY: Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?

SALLY: Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny.

JERRY: (Modest) Oh, thanks.

SALLY: (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.

JERRY: (Blunt) I believe you.

SALLY: Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to him) out to dinner.

JERRY: (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport.

SALLY: Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the size of it) It's a wedding present.

JERRY: Oh?

SALLY: And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)

FRANK: George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida.

GEORGE: (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.

FRANK: So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into a billiard parlor?

GEORGE: A billiard parlor?

FRANK: Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity..

(Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)

GEORGE: Well, that's.. Elaine!

ELAINE: Oh, hi, Frank.

GEORGE: (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please.

ELAINE: (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing.

GEORGE: (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.

ELAINE: (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo?

GEORGE: (Confused) What photo?

ELAINE: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"?

FRANK: (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did you talk to him?

ELAINE: I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.

FRANK: I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo.

ELAINE: Who is that?

GEORGE: (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.

FRANK: I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we separated.

ELAINE: So, you weren't born here?

FRANK: No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them!

GEORGE: I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are probably a million Costanzas-

FRANK: (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have another copy of that photo?

ELAINE: No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.

FRANK: The Maestro? What Maestro?

ELAINE: He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.

GEORGE: Really? Why?

ELAINE: (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars.

GEORGE: Who?

ELAINE: You know the Three Tenors?

GEORGE: Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.

ELAINE: (Nodding) The other guy.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Airplane]

(Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his personal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess approaches him)

STEWARDESS: (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you?

JERRY: Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it.

STEWARDESS: Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head.

JERRY: Oh, okay..

(The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head compartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard)

STEWARDESS: There we go.

(Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase are covered in bar-b-que sauce)

JERRY: Ohh.. look at this..

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this

(Gestures to Sally's present) stupid thing.

KRAMER: Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce..

JERRY: I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.

KRAMER: (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..

JERRY: No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show.

KRAMER: Well, why don't you do your material?

JERRY: I'm out.

KRAMER: (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey, buddies.

JERRY: Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally.

GEORGE: Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off.

JERRY: (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing?

KRAMER: (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread)

(George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts all over the table)

JERRY: (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.

KRAMER: (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?

JERRY: Like what?

KRAMER: Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?"

JERRY: (Confused) Where's the punchline?

KRAMER: It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's)

GOERGE: (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..

JERRY: A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!

GEORGE: Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express.

JERRY: Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!

KRAMER: Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas"

GEORGE: No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.

KRAMER: Well, maybe your father would be interested in that.

GEORGE: I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom.

KRAMER: (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's old bedroom]

(The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is obviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking up their sticks)

KRAMER: So, what's your game? What do you like to play?

FRANK: Eight ball.

KRAMER: No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight pool.. hmm?

FRANK: You like to gamble, Cosmo?

KRAMER: Yeah, now and then - you know how it is..

FRANK: Five dollars a game, huh?

KRAMER: I'll break.

FRANK: Okay.

(Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short by the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving humorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]

(Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of her items around the apartment)

GEORGE: What's all this?

SUSAN: Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff.

GEORGE: (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff..

SUSAN: (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..

(George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the shelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)

GEORGE: Oh my God! What is that?!

SUSAN: (Rushing in) What? What is it?

GEORGE: (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother.

SUSAN: George, it's a doll.

GEORGE: I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother!

SUSAN: (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's old bedroom]

(Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about to hit the ball when Estelle enters)

ESTELLE: What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've been up here three hours!

FRANK: We still haven't finished the first game.

ESTELLE: The first game?!

KRAMER: (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table.

FRANK: (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture..

ESTELLE: Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.

FRANK: (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna go see him, huh?

KRAMER: (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over..

FRANK: (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy.

KRAMER: Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally crashing it into the window)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George and Susan's bedroom]

(George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops when he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)

GEORGE: What is this thing doing here?

SUSAN: Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl..

(Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)

GEORGE: Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..

SUSAN: Why?

GEORGE: I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.

SUSAN: Oh, stop it.

(They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under Susan's pillow -- out of sight)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush. Elaine is reading the paper at his table)

JERRY: Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent.

ELAINE: (Just making conversation) Oh yeah?

JERRY: Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist!

ELAINE: (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.

JERRY: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show?

ELAINE: Who else is on the show?

JERRY: Uh.. one of the three tenors.

ELAINE: (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!

JERRY: Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..

ELAINE: (Extremely excited) The other guy?!

JERRY: (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.

ELAINE: (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show!

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?

JERRY: Why not?

ELAINE: (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!

(George enters. He's in a disheveled state)

JERRY: Hey, you look awful.

GEORGE: (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.

JERRY: Problem in the bedroom?

GEORGE: (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.

(Elaine makes a face)

JERRY: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?

GEORGE: (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.

JERRY: I thought you didn't want the doormat.

GEORGE: I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.

JERRY: Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York?

GEORGE: Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.

JERRY: Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?!

ELAINE: Who's Sally?

GEORGE: Susan's college roommate.

JERRY: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.

GEORGE: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.

JERRY: (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!

ELAINE: That's sounds pretty juvenile.

JERRY: (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Maestro's Office]

(Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)

FRANK: His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could recognize him.

MAESTRO: Unfortunately those photographs are at home.

KRAMER: Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room.

FRANK: (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it, Kramer?

KRAMER: A billiard room.

FRANK: No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on, already. Come on..

KRAMER: (Confused) What?

FRANK: We call it.. the, uh..

KRAMER: (Snaps) The Place To Be!

FRANK: The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be.

MAESTRO: (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the symphony.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah?

(The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, Kramer and Frank stare in bewilderment)

MAESTRO: (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein.

KRAMER: Really?

MAESTRO: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance.

(Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)

KRAMER: That's good thinking.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face)

GEORGE: You see?.. You see?!

JERRY: Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.

GEORGE: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!

JERRY: Why don't you just get rid of it?

GEORGE: I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.

JERRY: Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.

(George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets up with Elaine in the hallway)

GEORGE: Hi, Elaine.

(Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - breathless)

ELAINE: Did you see that?!

JERRY: I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)

ELAINE: Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.

JERRY: Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?

SALLY: (Through the intercom) It's Sally.

JERRY: Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?

SALLY: A whole case.

JERRY: (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?

ELAINE: (Blunt, to the point) No.

JERRY: How come? I told you - It's fantastic.

ELAINE: Eh, I like mine.

JERRY: I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?

ELAINE: I don't want it.

JERRY: (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.

ELAINE: (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.

(A knock on the door)

JERRY: Come in.

(Sally enters with a medium-sized box)

SALLY: (Peppy) Well, here I am!

JERRY: Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.

ELAINE: Hi.

JERRY: How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?

SALLY: (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.

JERRY: (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!

SALLY: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"

JERRY: (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!

SALLY: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke.

JERRY: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!

SALLY: You could just do your material.

JERRY: (Peeved) I don't have any material!

ELAINE: (Yelling out) He's got nothin'!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee Shop]

(George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he eats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the doll)

DOLL: Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster) Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it!

GEORGE: (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!

(People from near-by tables turn and look at him)

DOLL: You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! Why don't you get a new shirt?!

GEORGE: (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he sheepishly walks out)

WOMAN: (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods, agreeing)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's old bedroom]

(The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing pool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at the Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass)

KRAMER: Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.

FRANK: It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!

KRAMER: Come on. Are you sure?

(They all crowd around the picture)

FRANK: I'd know him anywhere.

MAESTRO: I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation of being kind of a village idiot.

FRANK: I still say we're related.

MAESTRO: (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments)

KRAMER: Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.

FRANK: (Complaining) I can't make anything..

KRAMER: (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how to follow through correctly.

FRANK: Follow through? What do you mean?

KRAMER: Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back slowly..

(Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer and Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares in disbelief)

FRANK: It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

ESTELLE: Oh, my God!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.

ELAINE: Well, have you ever considered writing new material?

JERRY: Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done.

ELAINE: (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?

JERRY: (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.

ELAINE: (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?

JERRY: Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.

(Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing phone)

SALLY: Hello?

JERRY: Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.

SALLY: Hi Jerry, it's Sally!

JERRY: (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?

SALLY: No, but he should be home soon.

JERRY: Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.

SALLY: Is this for your comedy routine?

JERRY: (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.

SALLY: (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case.

(Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's old bedroom]

(The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants on)

MAESTRO: (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves)

KRAMER: Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE AND JERRY: Hey!

ELAINE: Is George here?

JERRY: Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy.

(Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)

ELAINE: It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would you mind signing this poster for me?

CARRERAS: My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster)

ELAINE: (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.

JERRY: (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent!

ELAINE: (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?

JERRY: Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging.

ELAINE: (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing?

JERRY: Well, I want to sit down.

ELAINE: So?

JERRY: It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's old bedroom]

(The game is over)

MAESTRO: (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand)

ESTELLE: (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro leaves)

FRANK: (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this.

ESTELLE: (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?

FRANK: It's Carlo. I found him!

ESTELLE: (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room too long.

FRANK: (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves)

KRAMER: (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]

(Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants on)

SALLY: Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!

JERRY: (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?

SALLY: Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada!

JERRY: (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!

SALLY: Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. I think it's a riot!

JERRY: (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.

SALLY: Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves)

(View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he reaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's pants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)

JERRY: My pants!

(A stagehand enters)

STAGEHAND: Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: NYC street]

(Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting an ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on the subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage spills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before it could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office)

MAESTRO: Elaine? What a surprise.

ELAINE: I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give you this.

MAESTRO: Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush I've heard so much about..

ELAINE: No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this.

(The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber band off. He unravels the poster on his desk)

MAESTRO: Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico!

ELAINE: Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany..

STAGEHAND: (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on!

MAESTRO: Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate.

ELAINE: Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle of wine. It spills all over the poster)

(Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. Picking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he starts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton is bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically as the music fades to a stop)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]

(Susan's holding her doll defensively)

SUSAN: I want to know why you took my doll out of the house.

GEORGE: I just wanted a second opinion.

(There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - it's Frank)

FRANK: (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that the doll is scolding him as his wife would)

DOLL: Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous!

FRANK: (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here!

SUSAN: (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!

(Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head clean off the body)

FRANK: (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now what have you got to say for yourself?!

GEORGE: (To Susan) I told you it looked like her..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A street in Tuscany]

(Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he believes to be his cousin)

FRANK: (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?

MAN: Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.

FRANK: (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present) I guess I was wrong. (Walks off)

(Scene ends)

The End

S7E18 - The Friars Club (a.k.a. The Gypsies)

Broadcast date: March 7, 1996

Written by David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Rob Schneider .................................. Bob

Pat Cooper ....................................... Himself

Samantha Smith (II) .......................... Hallie

Lisa Kushell ...................................... Connie

Robert Martin Robinson ................... Maitre 'd

Norman Large ................................. Detective

Peggy Lane ...................................... Waitress

The Flying Karamazov Brothers ....... The Flying Sandos Brother

rc: Heidi Swedberg ........................... Susan Biddle Ross

rc: John O'Hurley .............................. J. Peterman

rc: Phil Morris .................................... Jackie Chiles

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream, and the alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream, so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. And, I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening."

[Street, New York]

(An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door closed and clapping his hands together.)

GEORGE: (joyful) June. It's June.

(George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby and high-fives him.)

GEORGE: (high-fiving) Hey!

(George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his hands raised above his head in celebration.)

GEORGE: It's June. Mark's Michelle is a dog.

(George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps with her, twirling her round.)

GEORGE: June, June, June.

(Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing and smiling.)

GEORGE: (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June.

(George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it, in time-honoured musical fashion.)

GEORGE: It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.

(George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads his arms and spins.)

GEORGE: I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!

(A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches, and jigs nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the pavement.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches the air as he looks to Jerry.)

GEORGE: June. Juune, baby!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.

JERRY: Dead man walking.

GEORGE: (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day.

JERRY: Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad.

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.

JERRY: She did?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: So? Wheels?

GEORGE: In motion. The wheels are in motion.

JERRY: Beautiful.

GEORGE: Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married.

JERRY: So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club.

GEORGE: The Friars Club?

JERRY: Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership.

(Kramer opens the door and leans in.)

KRAMER: Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright?

JERRY: Catnap?

KRAMER: No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?

JERRY: (deadpan) That must be some book.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.

JERRY: Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.

KRAMER: Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.

(Kramer heads for the door.)

JERRY: I didn't know you had a hopper.

KRAMER: (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.

(Kramer exits, closing the door behind him.)

[Conference Room, J. Peterman]

(A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman at the head of the table.)

PETERMAN: Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.

(Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives give Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight wave.)

BOB: Thanks. Hi everybody.

PETERMAN: Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak.

(Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her from Bob.)

ELAINE: (whispers) Poor bastard.

PETERMAN: (to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the copy-editing for the new catalogue.

(Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear.)

BOB: Ah, could you repeat that?

PETERMAN: (slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing?

(Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with his hearing.)

BOB: (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?

PETERMAN: (louder still) Copy-editing!

(Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up.)

PETERMAN: Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it.

(Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed. Bob has a hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping it back in.)

[Friars Club Lobby]

(Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of the rather fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket)

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me.

MAITRE D': Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear jackets in the dining room.

JERRY: (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.

HALLIE: (smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you.

JERRY: (jocular) You just bought your own dinner.

(George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke.)

MAITRE D': No problem. Please, follow me.

(The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows.)

JERRY: (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.

GEORGE: (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha.

(A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting.)

GEORGE: Friars.

(Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket.)

JERRY: Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here.

(George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments. The maitre d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter.)

MAITRE D': This way please.

GEORGE: Hup, here we go. Here we go.

(The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing up the rear.)

[Friars Club Restaurant]

(Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're engage in at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan with Hallie.)

GEORGE: (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's not that hard

(Jerry looks scornfully at George.)

SUSAN: (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. It's really delicious.

(Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it.)

JERRY: (to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.

JERRY: (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from Seals and Croft.

HALLIE: (to Susan) Mmm, it is good.

SUSAN: (to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding?

GEORGE: (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, look at him.

HALLIE: (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding?

JERRY: Oh, come on.

GEORGE: Look...

JERRY: Alright.

(The four continue chatting happily.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long coat.)

JERRY: (looking at Kramer) This is nice.

(Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake.)

KRAMER: Yeah, morning.

JERRY: Morning?

(Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket from the Friars Club.)

KRAMER: Yeah, what time is it?

JERRY: (looks at watch) Ten-thirty.

KRAMER: (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?

(Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards at his attire.)

JERRY: (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club.

(Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal. )

KRAMER: Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go.

JERRY: Breakfast?

KRAMER: (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.

JERRY: So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?

KRAMER: (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)

JERRY: What d'you call it?

KRAMER: P B and J's. What d'you think?

JERRY: (deadpan) I think you need more sleep.

KRAMER: (dismissive) Ahh.

(Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door. )

JERRY: So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?

(Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry. )

KRAMER: I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.

JERRY: Oh, now you're being ridiculous.

KRAMER: (laughing) He he, yeah.

(Kramer begins to exit. )

JERRY: (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?

KRAMER: Oh, I'll be back.

(Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him.)

[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]

(It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building. Elaine sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded by piles of paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated at being saddled with all this work. )

[Jerry's Apartment]

(It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room quietly and sits on the edge of Jerry's bed. )

KRAMER: (quietly) Jerry.

(Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up. )

KRAMER: (quietly) Hey Jerry.

(Jerry still doesn't wake. )

KRAMER: (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.

(Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on his bed. )

JERRY: (startled) Kramer!

KRAMER: You awake?

JERRY: (confused) Wha..? What time is it?

KRAMER: W...It's four.

JERRY: (aghast) Four in the morning?!

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Well, what's wrong with you?

KRAMER: I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something?

JERRY: No. Would you just get out?

KRAMER: You wanna rent a movie?

JERRY: No!

KRAMER: Well, what am I gonna do?

[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]

(Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She has a sandwich and a diet soda on her desk.)

JERRY: Ready for lunch?

ELAINE: (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of stupid Bob Grossberg.

(Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down, as Elaine turns to him.)

ELAINE: Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.

JERRY: You think he's faking?

ELAINE: I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real.

(Bob leans around the open door to speak.)

BOB: Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend.

(Jerry waves a finger in greeting.)

BOB: (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.

(Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks.)

ELAINE: Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give me a hand with some of the catalogue?

BOB: (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What?

(Elaine leans toward Bob.)

ELAINE: (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.

(Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on it.)

BOB: Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going.

(Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves.)

ELAINE: Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?

JERRY: That was him?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: Somehow I thought he'd be taller.

ELAINE: Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do.

JERRY: (standing) Alright, I'll see you later.

(Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door.)

ELAINE: Alright.

[Peterman Bathroom]

(Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the room. He sees Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room until he's standing about three feet behind Bob.)

JERRY: Hey, Bob.

(Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction.)

JERRY: Bob.

(Still no reaction.)

JERRY: Hey, Bobby, over here.

(Bob continues his necessary business.)

JERRY: Bob. Oh, Bob.

(Still nothing.)

JERRY: (louder) Bob!

(Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry behind him. Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced away from Jerry.

BOB: Hi.

(Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles.)

[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]

(Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters.)

JERRY: (urgent whisper) Elaine.

(Jerry closes the door behind him.)

ELAINE: (makes an irked noise)

JERRY: I was just in the bathroom.

ELAINE: (really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here.

JERRY: No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.

(Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers.)

ELAINE: Get out! What'd you do?

JERRY: Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me.

ELAINE: (hopeful) And?

JERRY: Well, he flinched, sort of.

ELAINE: What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?

JERRY: Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno.

ELAINE: So you don't know anything?

JERRY: Actually, no.

ELAINE: (sarcasm) Alright, good job.

JERRY: Right.

(Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at the door.)

JERRY: Come in.

(The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the room. He's smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically. Jerry smiles back.)

GEORGE: (entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something?

JERRY: That was something.

GEORGE: Ah. She's great, isn't she?

JERRY: (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.

GEORGE: I told you.

JERRY: I'm nuts about her.

GEORGE: You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?

JERRY: She could be an 'it'.

GEORGE: (claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!

JERRY: She's got 'it' written all over her.

GEORGE: She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.

JERRY: Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her.

GEORGE: Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.

JERRY: Whatever.

GEORGE: (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?

JERRY: That doesn't sound right.

GEORGE: No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother.

JERRY: Flying Sandos. Beautiful.

GEORGE: Great. Seven-thirty, alright?

JERRY: Walk me down to the Friars.

(Jerry goes into the bedroom.)

GEORGE: Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...

(Jerry reenters looking confused.)

JERRY: It's not here.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere.

(Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes.)

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

(Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?

KRAMER: Oh, the one with the crest.

JERRY: Yeah.

JERRY: Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.

JERRY: The cleaners? How did it get there?

KRAMER: Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.

JERRY: (irritated) Great.

KRAMER: (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage.

JERRY: Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!

KRAMER: Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six.

JERRY: Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show.

GEORGE: Won't be a problem...(mumbles)

(Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on the counter in Jerry's kitchen.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey.

(Kramer does not respond.)

JERRY: (louder) Hey!!

(Kramer snaps awake with a jerk.)

KRAMER: Watch out, boy.

[Bob's Office, J. Peterman]

(Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine arrives and stands in the doorway.)

ELAINE: Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob?

(Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him, giving no sign of knowing Elaine is there.)

ELAINE: Bob!

(Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps into Bob's office, and decides to try a different tactic.)

ELAINE: (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on...

(As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing Elaine's voice, his attention is caught. He stops to listen.)

ELAINE: ...so much. You're so damn...sexy.

(Peterman watches and listens, surprised.)

ELAINE: (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.

(Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves.)

ELAINE: (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob?

(Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive face and leaves.)

[Theatre]

(George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just like the two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie. George is making small talk.)

HALLIE: Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly.

GEORGE: A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.

HALLIE: Yeah.

(Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket.)

JERRY: Sorry, sorry I'm late.

GEORGE/SUSAN: Hey!

SUSAN: Jerry.

GEORGE: Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?

(Jerry takes the vacant seat.)

JERRY: Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show.

GEORGE: Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.

(Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto the stage to applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join in.)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying with the collar on his shirt.)

KRAMER: So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?

CONNIE: Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you.

KRAMER: Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.

(Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck.)

KRAMER: Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter.

[Theatre]

(The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with glasses, trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting the audience. The audience applaud appreciatively.)

(The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One brother climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge of the stage, where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud.)

SANDOS BROTHER 1: How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next trick?

JERRY: (smiling) I don't think so.

SANDOS BROTHER 1: Please, take off your jacket.

JERRY: My jacket?

SANDOS BROTHER 1: Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say, ladies and gentlemen?

(The rest of the audience cheer and clap.)

SANDOS BROTHER 1: (to Jerry) Can't argue with that.

HALLIE: C'mon.

SUSAN: Do it. Come on, Jerry.

GEORGE: Give him the jacket.

JERRY: (giving in) Alright.

(Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and audience. He hands it to the Sandos Brother.)

SANDOS BROTHER 1: And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand) Agrabah! And we make it disappear.

(As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box and into the audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie. Jerry peers over the edge of the box, after the jacket.)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the side of his head with her fingers.)

CONNIE: (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo.

(Kramer is oddly unresponsive.)

CONNIE: (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts.

(Kramer makes no reply.)

CONNIE: (worried) Cosmo?

(Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him.)

CONNIE: (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!

(Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or replying.)

CONNIE: Cosmo?

(Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely slack and expressionless.)

CONNIE: (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead.

(Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out, but is unable to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs the handset of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone to her ear.)

CONNIE: (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some guy dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey might find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.

[Theatre, Backstage]

(Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing Room 3'.)

GEORGE: This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.

(Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one of the Sandos Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly.)

JERRY: Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up.

SANDOS BROTHER 2: Jacket? What jacket?

JERRY: (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.

SANDOS BROTHER 2: A..are you sure it was me?

JERRY: Well, it was either you or one of your brothers.

(Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are still changing.)

SANDOS BROTHER 2: Well, two of them have left already.

(The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles off a question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each other and reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly they don't know anything.)

SANDOS BROTHER 2: (shaking his head apologetically) No.

JERRY: It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.

SANDOS BROTHER 2: Sorry.

(The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling.)

HALLIE: Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.

JERRY: (cynical) I'm sure it won't.

HALLIE: Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.

GEORGE: (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?

JERRY: (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.

SUSAN: Aww, that's too bad.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah, we'll do it another time.

SUSAN: (bright) George, we'll go.

(George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan is something he relishes.)

[Monk's]

(George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's a definite lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan. There's a long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks of something to say.)

GEORGE: I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.

SUSAN: Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.

GEORGE: Okay.

SUSAN: So, what colour?

GEORGE: Brown.

(Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment.)

GEORGE: Maybe a black.

SUSAN: Mmm.

(The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot.)

WAITRESS: More coffee?

GEORGE: (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.

(The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the table for George.)

[Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment]

(As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys emerge carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry it away down the hall.)

JERRY: (looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.

(Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment.)

[A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson]

(It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river. The two guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car. They open the trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They lug it to the rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It splashes into the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the trunk of the car and climb back in.)

[Beneath The Hudson River]

(The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents begin to squirm and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the fabric. The top of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed, and would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his legs and swims toward the surface.)

[The Hudson River]

(Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky and confused.)

KRAMER: HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!

(Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing down on him. He turns and begins swimming away from the vessel.)

KRAMER: AAH! AAGH!

[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]

(Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's carrying a couple of bits of card.)

PETERMAN: Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately.

(Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk.)

ELAINE: (shrugging it off) Oh.

PETERMAN: So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.

ELAINE: (pleased) Ah.

PETERMAN: It is a real hoot.

ELAINE: (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.

PETERMAN: Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a little early, so you both can get ready.

(Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave.)

ELAINE: Mr Peterman, you...

PETERMAN: (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every word you said.

(Elaine realises what Peterman overheard.)

PETERMAN: And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.

ELAINE: (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone, as George enters.)

JERRY: (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!

(Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch.)

JERRY: (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!

GEORGE: It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.

JERRY: (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so.

GEORGE: (worried) Why not?

JERRY: (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off.

GEORGE: (standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?

JERRY: Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.

GEORGE: You're soured?

JERRY: Yeah, I'm soured.

GEORGE: Don't be soured.

JERRY: I'm sorry. I'm soured.

GEORGE: (animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?

JERRY: Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket.

GEORGE: (animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.

JERRY: (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.

GEORGE: (worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?

JERRY: I'll try and de-sour.

GEORGE: (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!

JERRY: (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.

GEORGE: I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.

JERRY: I still don't know what that means.

GEORGE: (neither does he) Yeah, well.

(The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to the skin.)

KRAMER: God.

JERRY: (astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!

KRAMER: (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: (shouts) Connie!

JERRY: What'd she do?

KRAMER: I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops.

JERRY: (bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?

KRAMER: (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to have me!

(Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud.)

KRAMER: (to door) Gah!

(Kramer stomps away to his own apartment.)

[Friars Club Lobby]

(Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on their previous visit. As they wait, they're people-watching.)

JERRY: Hey, there's uncle Milty.

GEORGE: (pleased) Yeah, it is.

JERRY: (pointing) And there's David Steinberg.

GEORGE: The comedian, or the manager?

JERRY: The manager.

(George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry and George.)

JERRY: (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat.

PAT: Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?

JERRY: I forgot to take it off.

PAT: (dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an idiot?

JERRY: I'm sorry.

PAT: Where's the jacket?

JERRY: Well, one of the gypsies took it.

PAT: (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!

GEORGE: (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.

PAT: (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness?

GEORGE: No, I uh...

PAT: (interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, bring the jacket back tomorrow.

JERRY: Alright.

(Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George to leave with him. George looks round and sees something.)

GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

(Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket is entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested jacket.)

GEORGE: Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket.

JERRY: God, you're right.

GEORGE: (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.

(Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple of strides they are faced with the maitre d'.)

MAITRE D': Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members?

JERRY: Well, I'm a prospective member.

MAITRE D': Until then, (pointing) that's the way out.

JERRY: But that guy has my jacket.

MAITRE D': C'mon, let's go.

(The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite their continuing protests.)

GEORGE: Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is...

MAITRE D': Come on.

JERRY: Come on.

MAITRE D': Let's go.

GEORGE: If I could talk to the guy for just a sec...

(Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club.)

[Theatre]

(Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie. Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending the evening with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine.)

BOB: These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give us these tickets.

ELAINE: (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.

(Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans slightly toward her.)

BOB: (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we?

(Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives across at Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest.)

ELAINE: (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it.

(Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him, angrily.)

ELAINE: Get offa me!

(Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then he dives in for another go. Elaine struggles with him again.)

ELAINE: Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself!

(Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly shuffles away out of the box.)

[Theatre, Backstage]

(Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the theatre.)

JERRY: I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.

GEORGE: I told you, he probably went out the back.

(Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket. He has a jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with him.)

JERRY: Ouf.

(Jerry recognises the guy.)

JERRY: Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket!

SANDOS BROTHER 1: No, it is not. It is my jacket.

(The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George.)

JERRY: (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back.

SANDOS BROTHER 1: No, it is not. This is mine.

JERRY: C'mon I need it.

(Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it. George joins in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door to 'Dressing Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle.)

JERRY: (determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member.

GEORGE: Give 'im the jacket already!

(Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother runs away down the corridor, shouting.)

SANDOS BROTHER 1: (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar disay!

GEORGE: What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!

JERRY: Can you believe it?!

(Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something.)

JERRY: (examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is different. It's got a moose on it.

GEORGE: Moose?

JERRY: Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.

HALLIE: No, it's not.

(Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out a jacket on a hanger.)

HALLIE: This is the jacket.

(Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over to Jerry.)

JERRY: Ohh, you got the jacket back.

GEORGE: Ohh, yeahh.

JERRY: (taking the jacket) Thank you.

HALLIE: It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it back to you.

JERRY: Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.

GEORGE: (smiling) That is really nice.

HALLIE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah.

HALLIE: Yeah.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is nice.

JERRY: Yeahh.

HALLIE: Yeah.

GEORGE: (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have coffee.

HALLIE: (flat) I'll see you at the wedding.

(Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters.)

[Theatre]

(Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches her eye. It's Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs to her that she has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the lapel of her jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her head on one side, listening to see if it makes a difference.)

[Theatre, Backstage]

(Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket, and George is carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen.)

GEORGE: (moody) Great! Now she's sour!

JERRY: Maybe she'll sweeten.

GEORGE: (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!

(Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They look over toward Jerry and George.)

SANDOS BROTHER 1: (pointing) There they are!

(The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George hurriedly puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten.)

GEORGE: Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you!

(Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance.)

(George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency Exit. Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry dart through. As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring.)

[Theatre]

(Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds. Obviously, the earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She clutches her hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight onto the floor of the box.)

[Hallway, Apartment Building]

(Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two other guys. One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is opened by Connie.)

KRAMER: (pointing) That's her, officer.

CONNIE: (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were...

KRAMER: (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up!

(The detective shows his shield to Connie.)

DETECTIVE: You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer.

CONNIE: (defensive) I didn't do anything.

KRAMER: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!

DETECTIVE: Get your coat, we gotta take you in.

CONNIE: Can I call my lawyer?

DETECTIVE: Okay, go ahead.

(Connie goes back into her apartment.)

[Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office]

CONNIE: (on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder.

(On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles.)

JACKIE: Attempted murder? Of whom?

CONNIE: This guy, Kramer.

JACKIE: Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?

CONNIE: (surprised) Yeah, that's right.

JACKIE: (adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it.

(Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped.)

The End

S7E19 - The Wig Master

Broadcast date: April 4, 1996

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Patrick Bristow ................... Wig Master (Ethan)

Harry Van Gorkum ............ Craig

Gina Mastrogiacomo ........... Prostitute

Kim Chase ........................... Charmaine

Chaim Jeraffi ....................... Jiffy Park Guy

Michael James McDonald .... Jesse

Pamela Dillman .................... Salesperson

Zack Phifer .......................... Bob

Shashi Bhatia ....................... Flower Girl

Norman Brenner ................. Ian

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war, the last war fought in wig, and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle,they think Well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got to make sure you have everything... lot more to worry about What if I get killed.? Is my wig on straight? I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men... but I know when it went out.! When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair on his head going ..All right! lets go rap (?) to the ladies..

[At the Andover shop]

JERRY: I'm looking for a crested blazer

CRAIG: A crested blazer..

JERRY: I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me.

CRAIG: (turning around): Yes .I Think we may have something. (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.

JERRY: (softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.

CRAIG: It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up?

JERRY: You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think.

CRAIG: (doubtful) A Hum!

JERRY: Really I'll be back.

CRAIG: Yeah!

[Cuts to Jerry's apartment.]

(George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and Jerry are talking.)

JERRY: So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me.

ELAINE: Ah! So he knew that you were making it up.!

JERRY: Yeah..... He caught me So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat.

ELAINE: That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat?

JERRY: Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't.

ELAINE: But you were!!

JERRY: But if you go back with me , then I'm not.

GEORGE:(still on the phone) All right fine.... Whatever

(Kramer walks in.)

JERRY: (to George) Problems with the house guest?

ELAINE: What house guest?

GEORGE: This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive?

KRAMER: Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half.

ELAINE: Who is he?

GEORGE: He's a wig master

ELAINE: What is a wig master?

GEORGE: He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.

JERRY: Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.

KRAMER: About some tickets George , you know I'd kill for a peek..

GEORGE: (leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot.

KRAMER: Euh what...What lot is that?

GEORGE: Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month.

KRAMER: Seventy -five bucks a month!

GEORGE: Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on..

KRAMER: Oh I'm down.

[Cuts to the Andover shop]

JERRY: (proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?.

CRAIG: No I believed you.

JERRY: Yeah.... well Elaine.

ELAINE: (looking up to the salesman)

CRAIG: Oh!... hello I'm Craig.

ELAINE: .....Hi.

CRAIG: well (picks up the blazer again) here it is.

ELAINE: Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest.

CRAIG: You know your coats?

ELAINE: Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman.

CRAIG: I love J. Peterman.

ELAINE: (giggling) Ohhh!!.

CRAIG: I especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives really take me away..

ELAINE: Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those.

CRAIG: No!!!

ELAINE: Yeeeahh!!!

JERRY: (impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here.

Elaine Well I love it...

JERRY: You what??

ELAINE: I think it's great. I think you should get it.

CRAIG: Well .... Will it be check or credit card?

JERRY: (giving up) Check.

CRAIG: I'll need you to write down your phone number on the check for me. (turning to Elaine) Perhaps you could do the same.

ELAINE: (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)

[Cuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking]

JERRY: You weren't supposed to say that.

ELAINE: But I really did like it

JERRY: That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice.

ELAINE: uhn... Sorry!

JERRY: And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me?

ELAINE: What is the big deal!!

JERRY: ...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!!

ELAINE: He dared....

[Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in.]

ETHAN: (sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)Hi George.. How was your day?

GEORGE: Good....good day (not too convincing) You?

ETHAN: I am getting so much work done..... See?

GEORGE: Very nice

SUSAN: (walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?

ETHAN: I already ask him that. He said Good...Good day....

(George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's hallway)

KRAMER: (frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare?

JERRY: No I gave it back to you

KRAMER: y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there?

JERRY: Oh Come on!!

KRAMER: Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue..

JERRY:: I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!

KRAMER: I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car!

JERRY: Forget it.

KRAMER: Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up.

JERRY: He wont take ya..

(Kramer picks up the phone, calls George; Phone rings at George's and he's sitting between Susan and the wig master.)

GEORGE: (grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello?

KRAMER: Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park?

GEORGE: Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right All right....Hey! gotta go.

[Cuts to George's car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio]

GEORGE: So the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. and he'll show you around.

GEORGE: WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!

KRAMER: I like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio)

GEORGE: Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off

KRAMER: (seems to pickup something on the floor) ....'s'this?

KRAMER: Gawd!!!

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!

(They both shriek)

[Monks]

ELAINE: How do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover shop? I mean it's a pretty swanky upscale clientele.

CRAIG: Hmmm

ELAINE: except for Jerry!(laughs)

CRAIG: So did you see anything you'd like....

ELAINE: Oh!!!

CRAIG: Cause I can get you a considerable discount.

ELAINE: Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless....

CRAIG: The Nicole Miller

ELAINE: Yeah..Yeah...

CRAIG: I'll take care of it.

ELAINE: Really....but I barely know you.

CRAIG: Well...hum.....we'll just have to do something about that. Won't we.

ELAINE: Ah! Ah!ah!

(Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving.)

JERRY: Hey! Greg

CRAIG: It's Craig

JERRY: Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?

CRAIG: Yes lovely.

JERRY: You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend?

CRAIG: Well I could just sense it

JERRY: Because you know we used to go out.

CRAIG: Oh ! you did

JERRY: Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.

ELAINE: Hey Jerr...

JERRY: Hi Elaine.

(In comes a lady selling roses)

LADY: Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig)

(Craig and Elaine both laugh)

JERRY: How do you know she's not my wife?

[Cuts to the Jiffy Park]

GEORGE: I want to know how did that get into my car?

ATTENDANT: Hey look ..You walk in to this city you got to expect things are gonna stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.

GEORGE: That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard?

ATTENDANT: Here take a few shirts....

(A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears.)

ATTENDANT: I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get your car now, the keys seems to have been misplaced.

KRAMER: Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment.

ATTENDANT: Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?

KRAMER: ...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind?

ATTENDANT: Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there , it's a Mary Kay car....

KRAMER: Mary Kay uh?

ATTENDANT: Mary Kay car..

KRAMER: (to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by..

(Two prostitutes walk up to a car)

HOOKER: Hey!! Whats happening?

GEORGE: We're gonna hang around here a little while....something funny going on here

[Cuts to Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy.

JERRY: Well, what about the ponytail?

ELAINE: what about it?

JERRY:: C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.

ELAINE: All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress.

JERRY: Of course he did ..The guy's working ya.

ELAINE: Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.

JERRY: Have you slept with him yet?

ELAINE: I just met him this morning.

JERRY: It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

ELAINE:. Well this is all very flattering...

JERRY: (interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch....

ELAINE: Ok....

JERRY: (continues)Like a shrimp farmer....

ELAINE: OKAY!!!

[Cuts to the Majestic Theater.]

ETHAN: Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best for last...

KRAMER: Oh yeah!!

ETHAN: Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.

KRAMER: Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.

[Cuts to the Jiffy Park]

GEORGE: S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

HOOKER: Are you a cop??

GEORGE: Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees.

HOOKER: Urghh They stink.

GEORGE: Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I want to know if I should just change parking lots.

HOOKER: Get lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here.

GEORGE: I'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?

HOOKER: Fifteen?

SUSAN: (walks in) George?

GEORGE: Hi honey..

(Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed.)

[Scene cuts to George's apartment.]

SUSAN: ..So you're telling me the truth?

GEORGE: Of Course I'm telling the truth.

SUSAN: Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that this can work.

GEORGE: Really!

SUSAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Well then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....

SUSAN: There's no doubt.

GEORGE: Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it.

SUSAN: Cultivate it?

GEORGE: Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be dealt with.

SUSAN: I have no doubt George. Do you?

GEORGE: (hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...

[Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street.]

ELAINE: You know... I can't wait to get that dress..

CRAIG: Yeah... It should arrive eminently.

ELAINE: Arrive?

CRAIG: Yes! From Milan.

ELAINE: But you said it was in the store!.

CRAIG: No no no We sold out we had to order some more.

ELAINE: But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......

CRAIG: (Interrupts) Eeen!!!

IAN: Hey Craig.

CRAIG: Elaine this is Een.

ELAINE: Hi E-an

IAN: Een..

ELAINE: E-an

CRAIG: Een... He's a friend a mine from England

IAN: (word missing) What are doing?

CRAIG: I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You should come by. I'll get you a great discount.

IAN: Maybe I will. Nice meeting you.

ELAINE: Oh..Nice to meet you.

CRAIG: Bye

IAN: ..Cheery-o

ELAINE: Bye Eeeen.

ELAINE: So you're giving him a discount too?

CRAIG: Hummm Why so surprised?

ELAINE: Hem!! No reason.

[Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv.]

JERRY: You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....

KRAMER: Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in

JERRY: Turn in?

KRAMER: Yeah,I had a tough day

JERRY: It's only nine o clock.

KRAMER: Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win.

JERRY: I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!

KRAMER: Well you can go to your room and read.

JERRY: Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.

KRAMER: But I'm tired..

JERRY: Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.

KRAMER: Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep....

JERRY: Well that's all I got.

KRAMER: Can I sleep with you?

JERRY: Huh?

KRAMER: Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt.

JERRY: Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me.

KRAMER: Why?

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Yeah!

JERRY: Do I really have to explain why?

KRAMER: Well I......( Elaine pops in at that moment)

ELAINE: Hi!.

KRAMER: Hi...........What's that?

ELAINE: Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue.

KRAMER: Wow.

ELAINE: You want it?

KRAMER: Yeaaahmm....

ELAINE: You can have ,I don't need it anymore.

KRAMER: Ooh Mama...( walks away)

ELAINE: Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig.

JERRY: Yeah Why?

ELAINE: Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry.

JERRY: So ,Who is he?

ELAINE: Some friend of his from England.

JERRY: Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam.

ELAINE: You're nuts!

KRAMER: How do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you?

ELAINE: What d'you mean?

KRAMER: What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.

ELAINE: Aawwh Please.....

KRAMER: Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and now if you would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.

[Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light and starts to read.]

KRAMER: (softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on sale.

[Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning.]

GEORGE: Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please.

ATTENDANT: Whats the problem

GEORGE: You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters.

ATTENDANT: Haaan! That is all hearsay.

GEORGE: Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please

ATTENDANT: Can't do it'

GEORGE: Whadday'mean.?

ATTENDANT: If you read the agreement you signed the deposit is not refundable.

GEORGE: Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..

ATTENDANT: What can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer Affairs.

GEORGE:. All right , just give me my car and let me get the hell out of here.

ATTENDANT: Well that's going to be a problem

GEORGE: Why?

ATTENDANT: It's all the way in the back. Can't get it out for a couple of days.

GEORGE: What are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!!

ATTENDANT: We ask that you please bear with us.

GEORGE: Bear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET

THEIR CARS!!!

ATTENDANT: Ideally..

[Scene cuts to the Andover shop.]

JERRY: Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.

TELLER: Certainly. May I ask why?

JERRY: ........For spite...

TELLER: Spite?

JERRY: That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.

TELLER: I don't think you can return an item for spite.

JERRY: What do you mean?

TELLER: Well if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund

JERRY: That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is.

TELLER: Let me speak with the manager...excuse me .............Bob!

(walks over to the manager and whispers)

TELLER: ........spite.....(Manager walks over)

BOB: What seems to be the problem?

JERRY: Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.

BOB: That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite.

JERRY:. Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it

BOB: Well you already said spite so......

JERRY: But I changed my mind..

BOB: No...you said spite...Too late.

[Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman.]

(They make fun of a woman walking by.)

KRAMER: It's Halloween (not sure)

CHARMAINE: Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's

KRAMER: Hey! Elaine..

JERRY: OH! Hey!!

KRAMER: These are my friends Jerry and Elaine.

JERRY & ELAINE: Hi! How 'r u doing?

CHARMAINE:: Hi I'm Charmaine

ETHAN: I'm Ethan

KRAMER: Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show.

JERRY: Hey You're staying with my friend George.

ETHAN: Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there.

JERRY: Well he doesn't even want himself there.

(They all laugh)

CHARMAINE: Why don't you sit down and join us?

JERRY: All right. (sits down)

ELAINE: I can't I 've got to meet a friend.

KRAMER: Well what are we ...dog meat.

ETHAN: (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please.

ETHAN: (to Elaine) You've got really beautiful hair.

ELAINE: Oh Thanks, thank you very much.

ETHAN: Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig..

JERRY: They make wigs out of human hairs?

ETHAN: ..And pay plenty for them.

ELAINE: Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care

KRAMER: Yeah. See ou later..

ALL: Bye, now...

CHARMAINE: Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners

KRAMER: Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?'

CHARMAINE: Yeah. But you gonna have to be really careful with it , it's my only backup.

KRAMER: Hey! Who do you think you're talking to.

CHARMAINE: Ok. Buh- bye!

KRAMER: Bye!!

JERRY: Bye!

(they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone)

ETHAN: There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.

JERRY: ...Guess so.

[Scene cuts to Elaine's appt.]

ELAINE: Well, Here we are.

CRAIG: I....am..beat.(sits on the couch)

ELAINE: (sighs)

CRAIG: Ohh! that's nice.

ELAINE: So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in?

CRAIG: Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest thing.

ELAINE: Huh!

CRAIG: I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .

ELAINE: Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive.

CRAIG: (yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......

[Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan]

ETHAN: How can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess... I just don't see them together at all

(A man approaches.)

JESSIE: Ethan?

ETHAN: Yes..

JESSIE:. Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's personal assistant.

ETHAN:. Right, Right.

(Both greet each other)

ETHAN: How you doin'?

JESSIE: nice to see you..

ETHAN: This is Jerry.

JERRY: Hello..

JESSIE: yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what brings you in to town.

ETHAN: I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

JESSIE: You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.

JERRY: (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ?

JESSIE: Yeah...I guess you could say that..

JERRY: Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys, sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies.

JESSIE: I dunno I just didn't think you were.

JERRY: Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that.

JESSIE: I dont know. I just didn't.

JERRY: Well it's very emasculating..

(Jessie looks befuddled and leaves.)

[Back to Elaine's phone rings.]

ELAINE: Hello.

BOB:. Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He left this number.

ELAINE: Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?

BOB: Well.....

ELAINE: Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from Milan?.

BOB: Nicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers, in fact we have too many as it is.

ELAINE: Well do you have any in a... size four.?

BOB: Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in tomorrow before Eleven.

ELAINE: (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. (looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks) They make wigs out of human hair? (still thinking, Ethan's voice) And pay plenty for them.

[Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store. Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind. and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with the walking stick and puts it on. He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking very much like a stereotype pimp. He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac]

KRAMER: (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.

(Out comes the hooker with a client.)

KRAMER: Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going.

HOOKER: Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting Kramer)

KRAMER: Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren)

POLICE: Policer officer. Freeze right there.

(As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is to get his picture taken.)

POLICE: OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... awright turn to your right...(Kramer hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.

KRAMER: (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP.!!!.

The End

S7E20 - The Calzone

Broadcast date: April 25, 1996

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld.......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards.................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

John D'Aquino..................... Todd

Peter Allas............................ Counter Guy

Danette Tays........................ Nicki

Greg Collins.......................... Policeman

Jane A. Johnston.................. Todd's Mother

rc: Wayne Knight................. Newman

==================================================================

[George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors......

MR. STEINBRENNER: All the way to the floor! What are you crazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your lucky you have any doors at all. You know when I was in the army...... Hey Costanza. What's that your eating over there? It looks pretty tasty.

GEORGE: It's a calzone, sir.

MR. STEINBRENNER: A calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's have a look at at it. I want a little taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's in this thing?

GEORGE: Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Eggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing. Okay let's get back to business. Okay here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent. excellent calzone you got there Costanza. Okay a little jealous now. Okay lets go. Ok last week....... You know that eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind. Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now. Pronto. Move out. Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody out. Out.

[Jerry and Elaine at apartment]

ELAINE: One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.

JERRY: What bet?

ELAINE: He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.

JERRY: Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so.

ELAINE: That's what I said.

JERRY: So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Huh.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: No. nothing.

(Kramer walks in)

JERRY: What's with you?

KRAMER: Feel this.

JERRY: Wow.That's hot.

KRAMER: Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants.

ELAINE: I'll see you later.

KRAMER: Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.

JERRY: So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer.

KRAMER: Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later?

JERRY: I got a date with Nikki.

KRAMER: Oh yeah she's a beauty.

JERRY: She's also quite bold.

KRAMER: Oh bold and beautiful.

[George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium]

MR. STEINBRENNER: I am loving this calzone. The pita pocket prevents it from dripping. The pita pocket. (phone rings)What is it Watson? A lost and found. No. I don't think we need that. If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck. You got a drip on your mouth by the way.

GEORGE: You know a lost and found could be a good idea.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Hold on Watson. You like lost and found George?

GEORGE: Definitely.

MR. STEINBRENNER: All right lost and found. But these got to be a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here.

[Jerry and Nikki at movies]

JERRY: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi Jerry!

JERRY: This is Nikki.

NIKKI: Hi!

ELAINE: Hello. This is Todd Gack.

JERRY: Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr.

ELAINE: So what movie are you guys seeing?

NIKKI:"Means to an End"

ELAINE: Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to see"Blame it on the Rain"

JERRY: Why don't you see what you can do?

NIKKI: Okay.

ELAINE: What's she going to do? There's no more tickets.

JERRY: We'll see.

TODD: Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars?

JERRY: Yeah. Why?

TODD: I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap.

JERRY: Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding.

TODD: So do you want a box?

JERRY: Sure. If there cheap Why not.

TODD: All right I buy a box and give to Elaine.

NIKKI: Okay two tickets"Means to an End"

JERRY: Told you.

ELAINE: How did you do that?

NIKKI: I just talked to the manager.

JERRY: All right. Enjoy"Blame it on the Rain"

[Jerry and George at the coffee shop]

GEORGE: There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time limit but still.

JERRY: There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you tribute all this to the calzone.

GEORGE: Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting.

JERRY: With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place.

GEORGE: So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't notice it what's the point.

JERRY: So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind.

GEORGE: Not bills.

JERRY: So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.

GEORGE: Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. You can't stop them.

JERRY: She's like a beautiful Godzilla.

GEORGE: Without thousands of fleeing Japanese.

[Jerry and Kramer at his apartment]

KRAMER: Hey buddy.

JERRY: What the hell is all this?

KRAMER: I am looking for quarters for the dryer.

JERRY: Why can't you do this on your table?

KRAMER: Because I don't have a table.

(Elaine walks in)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. So how was"Blame it on the Rain?"

ELAINE: Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too.

JERRY: Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet?

(Kramer leaves)

ELAINE: No. We were both in the mood for one.

JERRY: You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends....

ELAINE: Oh is that so.

JERRY: Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.

ELAINE: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner

ELAINE: If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.

JERRY: Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.

ELAINE: I don't buy it.

(Kramer walks in with more change)

JERRY: So what happened after the movie?

ELAINE: Nothing. He walked me home.

JERRY: To the door?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: That's a date.

ELAINE: No it's not.

JERRY: But I never walk you home.

ELAINE: That's just because your a jackass.

KRAMER: Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up?

JERRY: No, no.

ELAINE: No, no.

JERRY: So how did you leave it with him?

ELAINE: I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars.

JERRY: That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out.

ELAINE: Your crazy!

JERRY: Crazy like a man.

[George at Pisano's]

WORKER: Number 49.

GEORGE: You know my last name is Costanza. That's Italian. So you and I are like country men. Pisano's!

WORKER: $ 6.50 your change.

GEORGE: And I always take care of my Pisano's. So here is a little something. (drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught)

WORKER: Hey! You steal my money!!

GEORGE: No no. That's not what I was trying to do.

WORKER: I know what you try to do. Get out. Don't ever come back ever.

[George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Beautiful. I am starving George.

GEORGE: I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Corn beef. I don't think so. It is a little fatty.

GEORGE: How about Chinese?

MR. STEINBRENNER: Uhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's the ticket.

GEORGE: I just thought it would be nice. A little variety.

MR. STEINBRENNER: No, no, no. George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table.

[Todd walking Elaine to her apartment]

ELAINE: Thanks for the dinner.

TODD: Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry.

ELAINE: Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question. Um. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out?

TODD: What?

ELAINE: I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

TODD: Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner.

ELAINE: Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight.

TODD: Hey, if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere?

ELAINE: See what is that? Is that a date?

TODD: Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date?

ELAINE: All right. I am sorry it's not a date.

TODD: No way. So I'll see you Saturday night?

ELAINE: All right.

TODD: Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.

[Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop]

POLICE OFFICER: Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is?

JERRY: I was got to be 55.

POLICE OFFICER: That's right it is. Do you know how fast you were going?

JERRY: A lot faster than that!

POLICE OFFICER: Step out of the car sir.

JERRY: Okay dokey

POLICE OFFICER: Can I have your license and registration please?

JERRY: Absolutely. Nikki!

NIKKI: Yes.

JERRY: Would you mind bringing the officer the registration?

NIKKI: Not at all.

POLICE OFFICER: I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour.

JERRY: You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100.

NIKKI: Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket?

JERRY: All right Nik. That's it.

[Kramer and Jerry at his apartment]

KRAMER: Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.

JERRY: You got your shirt in my oven!?!

KRAMER: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. And it's more convenient.

JERRY: For both of us.

KRAMER: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.

JERRY: What's wrong with your oven?

KRAMER: I am baking a pie!

(Buzz, buzz)

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: Come on up.

KRAMER: You got cigars, huh.

JERRY: I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell!

KRAMER: Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?"Perducto de Peru"Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.

JERRY: Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks!

KRAMER: You got ripped buddy.

JERRY: I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out.

KRAMER: That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that Dutch? (Dingggggg) Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on) Hey George hey.

(Kramer leaves)

GEORGE: Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.

JERRY: so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones?

GEORGE: What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.

JERRY: Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you?

GEORGE: Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.

JERRY: No. I never had a job.

(Kramer walks in with no pants on)

KRAMER: I decided to go with the brown one 's. (pants)

GEORGE: What the hell is this?

JERRY: Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.

GEORGE: There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's.

KRAMER: Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium right?

GEORGE: Yeah. You've heard of it?

KRAMER: Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on his mail route. He goes by there everyday.

GEORGE: I'll see you guys later.

JERRY: What kind of pie are you cooking?

KRAMER: Huckleberry.

[George at Newman's apartment]

NEWMAN: You certainly are in a bind.

GEORGE: Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we could help each other out.

NEWMAN: Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives.

GEORGE: Are you going to help me or not?

NEWMAN: All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in return.

GEORGE: What?

NEWMAN: Well for starters I want a calzone of my own.....

GEORGE: All right.

NEWMAN: And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie.

GEORGE: That's a little steep don't you think?

NEWMAN: You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry.

GEORGE: All right, all right.

NEWMAN: Do we have a deal?

GEORGE: But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his meals.

NEWMAN: I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[Todd and Elaine at a restaurant]

ELAINE: This is nice.

TODD: Gack. Party of four.

ELAINE: Party of four? Who are we meeting?

TODD: Mom! Dad! This is Elaine.

MOM: Hello.

ELAINE: Hellllllooooo.

(End of dinner)

MOM: Nice meeting you.

TODD: Bye mom.

MOM: She's wonderful.

ELAINE: What the hell was that?

TODD: What?

ELAINE: Why did you introduce me to your parents?

TODD: There nice people. I thought you would like them.

ELAINE: Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date.

TODD: Why is this a date?

ELAINE: Saturday night with your parents. Unless I'm your sister this is a date.

TODD: Elaine. I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents without classifying it as a date.

ELAINE: Well if it's not a date then what is it?

TODD: It's a lovely evening together.

ELAINE: I don't believe this.

TODD: Well I am getting a cab want to join me?

ELAINE: No. I'll just walk home.

TODD: Okay goodnight. (goes to kiss her)

ELAINE: Now what was that?

[George at Newman's apartment]

(Knock, knock)

NEWMAN: Hello. What 's this?

GEORGE: Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week.... Um shouldn't you be at work by now?

NEWMAN: Work? It's raining.

GEORGE: Soooooo

NEWMAN: I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.

GEORGE: You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman."Neither rain nor sleet nor snow....."It's the first one.

NEWMAN: I was never that big on creeds.

GEORGE: You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!

NEWMAN: I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps tomorrow.

GEORGE: But I'm paying you!

NEWMAN: Yes thank you. (slams door)

GEORGE: Newman!!

[Nikki and Jerry at his apartment]

NIKKI: Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba?

JERRY: I did.

NIKKI: Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him?

JERRY: Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit.

NIKKI: Okay.

[George at Kramer's apartment]

(Knock, knock)

GEORGE: Kramer!

KRAMER: Hey you!

GEORGE: Look I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's.

KRAMER: What happened to Newman?

GEORGE: He called in sick.

KRAMER: Oh yeah right it's raining.

GEORGE: Can you do it?

KRAMER: What time do you need it at?

GEORGE: 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money?

KRAMER: No. I got eight tons of change. I'm loaded.

[Kramer on street]

KRAMER: Hey hold that bus!

[Kramer at Pisano's]

KRAMER: Hey. It's really wet out there.

WORKER: What can I get you?

KRAMER: I here you make a pretty mean calzone.

WORKER: Calzone!

KRAMER: Yeah calzone.

WORKER: The best!

KRAMER: All right. Lay them on me. I'll take three.

WORKER: Three calzones.

KRAMER: Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen. I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

[Elaine goes to the coffee shop]

ELAINE: Hey Todd.

TODD: Hi. You know Nikki.

ELAINE: Yeah sure.

NIKKI: Wait. Elaine will settle this. What's the"M"stand for in Richard M. Nixon?

ELAINE: Milhouse.

NIKKI: I told you so. He said it was Moe. You owe me a dinner.

[Kramer at Pisano's]

WORKER: Your order is ready. Three calzones and one shirt and jacket.

KRAMER: Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this.

WORKER: What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt? What the hell is this? Your paying in pennies?

KRAMER: That's all I got.

WORKER: No. You have to have bills. Paper money. You can't pay with this.

KRAMER: I told you this is all I got.

WORKER: Then no calzones.

(Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian)

[George's office at Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: What happened? Where have you been?

KRAMER: The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change.

GEORGE: What the hell happened to your shirt?

KRAMER: He overcooked it. It's ruined.

GEORGE: Your clothes smell just like Pisano's. There's another Italian place on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.

[Mr. Steinbrenner at his office]

MR. STEINBRENNER: (on phone) That's right. Do you want to say it again. I'll say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired. Okay your not. I am just a little hungry. Where's Costanza with my calzone. It's 1:15. He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office. Costanza! I'll get you.

[Jerry and Elaine at apartment]

JERRY: Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together.

ELAINE: These are terrible.

JERRY: It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.

ELAINE: What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.

JERRY: I think it's Dutch. I got to get going.

ELAINE: Where are you going?

JERRY: I... uh....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her.

ELAINE: But she broke up with you.

JERRY: I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no.

ELAINE: It smells like a rubber fire.

JERRY:What's that?

ELAINE: I said rubber fire.

JERRY: Oh.

ELAINE: Did you ever pay Todd for these things?

JERRY: Actually it's being taken care of right now.

[Kramer at Todd's apartment]

(Knock, knock)

KRAMER: You Gack?

TODD: Yeah.

KRAMER: Here's your money.

(Kramer throws a bag full of change at him)

[Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office]

MR. STEINBRENNER: George. Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's?

GEORGE: Because they were heated up there.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Heating up your clothes? That's not a bad idea.

The End

S7E21 - The Bottle Deposit (1)

Broadcast date: May 2, 1996

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode, with The Bottle Deposit (2)

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brad Garrett ........................ Tony

Brenda Strong ..................... Sue Ellen Mischke

Patrick Kerr ......................... Clerk

Harvey Jason ...................... Auctioneer

Larry Polson ........................ Homeless Guy

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Richard Herd ................. Wilhelm

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. (as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.'

[Yankee Stadium]

(Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing in his wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and looking flustered.)

WILHELM: And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for the cigarettes and the dive checks.

GEORGE: Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?

WILHELM: The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself.

GEORGE: Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.

WILHELM: Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here George. You've got to pay attention.

GEORGE: I know, sir. It won't happen again.

WILHELM: Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh.

(Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he opens the door to the men's room and strolls through.)

WILHELM: Lemme think here.

(George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks better of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against the wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return.)

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.)

PETERMAN: Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi, Mr Peterman.

PETERMAN: You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy.

ELAINE: I do.

PETERMAN: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.

ELAINE: The pygmy pullover.

PETERMAN: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.

ELAINE: Whatever.

PETERMAN: But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend and therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would go in my stead.

ELAINE: Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing to go?

PETERMAN: I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.

(He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.)

ELAINE: Wow.

[Yankee Stadium]

(George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting a while. He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he finds Wilhelm emerging from a stall, and still talking.)

WILHELM: ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr Steinbrenner is very interested in this.

(Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts to bluff it out.)

GEORGE: Yes, sir.

WILHELM: (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I want you to make this project a top priority.

GEORGE: I will, sir. Top priority.

WILHELM: (exiting) Top priority.

GEORGE: Top priority.

(George throws up his arms in despair.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.)

GEORGE: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.

JERRY: He pulled an LBJ on you.

GEORGE: LBJ?

JERRY: Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.

GEORGE: No kidding?

JERRY: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

GEORGE: Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is.

JERRY: Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.

GEORGE: I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.

JERRY: You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.

GEORGE: Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.

(The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer is carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating the odd morsel. Newman has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one of the bottles.)

KRAMER: Hey buddy.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Can I have my keys...

KRAMER: (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.

JERRY: (catching keys) ...back, please?

KRAMER: You shoulda come, Jerry.

NEWMAN: We made quite a haul.

GEORGE: Where'd you go?

KRAMER: Price club.

GEORGE: Why didn't you take your car?

KRAMER: Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.

(Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.)

KRAMER: What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't throw that away.

NEWMAN: Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling thing.

KRAMER: You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.

NEWMAN: (taking bottle) Refund?

KRAMER: Yes.

JERRY: Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?

NEWMAN: I don't know, they're deranged.

(Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, Newman still reading the bottle.)

GEORGE: Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?

JERRY: No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction.

GEORGE: Awright, I'll see you later.

(George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.)

NEWMAN: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?

KRAMER: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.

NEWMAN: Ten cents!?

KRAMER: Yeah.

NEWMAN: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference.

KRAMER: No, it doesn't work.

NEWMAN: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...

KRAMER: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

JERRY: (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?

KRAMER: No, no, I'm off that.

NEWMAN: You tried it?

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

JERRY: (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?

NEWMAN/KRAMER: (simultaneous) No problem. You bet.

(Jerry exits, shaking his head.)

[Sotheby's]

(An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform with a lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, with catalogues and numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.)

JERRY: Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know those two idiots did something to it.

ELAINE: No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here.

JERRY: Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.

(Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over.)

SUE ELLEN: Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.

ELAINE: Hi Sue Ellen.

JERRY: Hi Sue Ellen.

SUE ELLEN: I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of high society?

ELAINE: (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.

JERRY: I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.

SUE ELLEN: Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget.

(Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their way to their seats,)

ELAINE: (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching TV, While Newman has been working something out on a pad.)

NEWMAN: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?

KRAMER: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.

NEWMAN: I wanna learn. I want to know why.

[Sotheby's]

(A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.)

ELAINE: (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.

AUCTIONEER: Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding at four thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars?

(A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.)

AUCTIONEER: I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do I have six? Six thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. I have six thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?

(Elaine raises her paddle to bid.)

AUCTIONEER: Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?

(Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful.)

AUCTIONEER: The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. Sixty-five hundred going once...

(Jerry and Elaine think they've got them.)

SUE ELLEN: Eight thousand.

AUCTIONEER: Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now eight thousand dollars.

ELAINE: (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!

AUCTIONEER: We have eighty-five...

SUE ELLEN: Nine thousand.

AUCTIONEER: Nine thousand dollars.

JERRY: Think she wants those clubs.

AUCTIONEER: Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...

ELAINE: Ninety-five hundred.

SUE ELLEN: Ten thousand.

AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten thousand going once...

JERRY: Well, that's your ceiling.

AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand going twice...

(Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.)

ELAINE: (determined) Eleven thousand!

SUE ELLEN: Twelve thousand.

ELAINE: (angrier) Thirteen thousand!

SUE ELLEN: Fourteen thousand.

ELAINE: (vicious) Fifteen thousand!!

(Jerry buries his face in his hands.)

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs can be seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.)

ELAINE: Peterman is gonna kill me.

JERRY: I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.

ELAINE: Why didn't you stop me?

JERRY: Do you hear this clunking?

ELAINE: (listening) A little.

[Jerry's Car, later]

(The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.)

ELAINE: Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from you later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.

JERRY: Okay.

ELAINE: Alrighty, bye.

JERRY: Bye.

(Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, when he notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.)

JERRY: What's going on here?

(Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.)

JERRY: Oh God!

(Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, it becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on and around the engine compartment.)

JERRY: (angry) Oh, you idiots!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch.)

NEWMAN: So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and mean?

KRAMER: Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is.

JERRY: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?

KRAMER: (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.

NEWMAN: (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.

JERRY: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking?

KRAMER: We ran outta space.

JERRY: Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.

KRAMER: Ah, Tony, he's good.

JERRY: Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me.

KRAMER: (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'

JERRY: No, thank you.

[Auto Shop]

(Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof and along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.)

TONY: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.

JERRY: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up...

(Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins ferreting about.)

JERRY: There's really nothing wrong on the inside.

TONY: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?

JERRY: No, I hadn't noticed.

TONY: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?

JERRY: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.

TONY: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.

JERRY: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.

TONY: You been rotating the tires?

JERRY: Try to.

TONY: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'

[Elaine's Office]

PETERMAN: Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount I authorised you to spend.

ELAINE: I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard...

PETERMAN: Well, where are they?

ELAINE: (ingratiatingly) They should be here today.

[George's Office]

(George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.)

GEORGE: Uh, Mr Wilhelm.

WILHELM: (entering the office) Yes George.

GEORGE: Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, my assignment.

WILHELM: Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.

GEORGE: Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what do you think would be the very best way to get started?

WILHELM: (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George.

GEORGE: Well, I was wondering...

WILHELM: You mean you haven't been to payroll?

GEORGE: Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.

WILHELM: Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!

(Wilhelm leaves.)

GEORGE: Payroll!!

(George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has gone, and darts off down the corridor.)

[Yankee Stadium: Payroll Office]

(A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.)

GEORGE: Hello there. I'm George Costanza.

CLERK: Yes?

GEORGE: Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) I'm uh, working on the project.

CLERK: What project?

GEORGE: Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.

CLERK: You're gonna have to fill me in.

GEORGE: You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.

CLERK: (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come back here.

GEORGE: Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.

CLERK: Well, maybe I will.

GEORGE: (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.

CLERK: (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?

(George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's side of the converstion.)

CLERK: (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, thank you.

(The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.)

CLERK: (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever you need, just uh, make yourself at home.

GEORGE: So he explained it all to you?

CLERK: Yes, he explained it all very clearly.

GEORGE: What'd he tell you?

CLERK: (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to humiliate me about it, alright!

[Newman's Apartment}

(Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding machine and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle scam'. There are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the table and maps of the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps out a series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then looks at what he's written on his pad.)

NEWMAN: Damn!

(Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his mother. A thought occurs.)

NEWMAN (V.O.): Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. Mother's Day?!

(He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He mouths numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he finishes he tears the paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.)

NEWMAN: (triumphant) Yessss!

(In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.)

NEWMAN: Ahaha!

[Hallway]

(Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his fist. He waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers again.)

NEWMAN: Come on Kramer!

(The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding a razor, with foam on his face.)

KRAMER: Wha...?

NEWMAN: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!

KRAMER: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.

NEWMAN: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan.

KRAMER: (interested) Uh-huh.

NEWMAN: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.

KRAMER: (realisation) Mother's Day.

NEWMAN: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.

KRAMER: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

NEWMAN: (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!

KRAMER: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

NEWMAN: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!

(They embrace joyfully.)

[Montage of scenes]

(A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches into her bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, picks up the can and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by the can's disappearance. Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots about beneath the plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle to Newman, who drops it into his sack. In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf behind Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind him, takes the tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack. Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes a shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few coins onto the sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves his cart to retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold of the cart and races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking a fist and yelling after him. Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, who hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty bottles already on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman reluctantly begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps him on the stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the table. A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms and shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed.)

[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]

(George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily along the corridor and enters the office.)

WILHELM: So...

(George snaps awake.)

WILHELM: ...did you go down to payroll?

GEORGE: (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... Paid off.

WILHELM: (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.

WILHELM: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.

GEORGE: (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?

WILHELM: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says.

GEORGE: The song?

WILHELM: There's your answer. Downtown.

(Wilhelm leaves.)

GEORGE: (thoughtful) Downtown.

[Monk's]

(George and Jerry in a booth.)

JERRY: The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?

GEORGE: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.

JERRY: Okay, so how does it go?

GEORGE: 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...'

JERRY: '... downtown.'

GEORGE: 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...'

JERRY: '...downtown.'

GEORGE: Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes?

JERRY: Seven-eleven?

GEORGE: 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?

JERRY: No, that's midtown.

GEORGE: 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'

JERRY: '...down town.'

GEORGE: 'Things'll be great, when you're...'

JERRY: '...downtown.'

GEORGE: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.

JERRY: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...'

GEORGE: You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess?

JERRY: How can you lose?

[Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office]

(Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the messages.)

TONY (O.S.): Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four.

(Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, and Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello.

ELAINE: Hi, it's me.

JERRY: Oh, hi.

ELAINE: Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.

JERRY: Oh, you know what?

ELAINE: (worry) Oh no. What?

JERRY: Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.

ELAINE: You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?

JERRY: I forgot.

ELAINE: Oh, go down and get them.

JERRY: I can't. The car's at the mechanics.

ELAINE: Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself.

JERRY: No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street?

ELAINE: (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.

[Outside Auto Shop]

(Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real intense.)

JERRY: Hey, Tony.

TONY: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.

JERRY: Sure.

TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it?

JERRY: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...

TONY: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.

JERRY: I really wanna...

TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.

JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?

TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

JERRY: The washer fluid is fine.

TONY: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!

JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.

TONY: What d'you mean?

JERRY: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.

TONY: Well, the car's on a lift.

JERRY: Well, just get it down.

TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.

JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.

(Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.)

ELAINE: Hey. Where's the car?

JERRY: He's bringing it.

ELAINE: Good.

(There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry and Elaine and Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and at each other in astonishment.)

[...to be continued]

S7E22 - The Bottle Deposit (2)

Broadcast date: May 2, 1996

NOTE: Originally broadcast as part of a 60 min episode, with The Bottle Deposit (1)

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brad Garrett ........................ Tony

Mary Jo Keenen ................... Deena

Rance Howard ..................... Farmer

Nicholas Mele ....................... Detective

Karen Lynn Scott ................. Farmer's Daughter

Sandy Ward ......................... Pop

Dan O'Connor ...................... Young Cop

Bonnie McNeil ...................... Woman

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Montage of snippets]

JERRY (V.O.): Last week on Seinfeld.

A sequence of clips from The Bottle Deposit (1) establishes the story

so far: Newman and Kramer are using a USPS mail truck to run deposit bottles and cans to Michigan, in order to collect 10 cents on each of them. George has been given an assignment by Mr Wilhelm, but he hasn't a clue what it is. Elaine outbids Sue-Ellen Mishke at an auction, to buy John F Kennedy's golf clubs on behalf of Mr Peterman, and leaves them in the back of Jerry's car. Kramer and Newman have left groceries under the hood of Jerry's car, meaning Jerry has to take it to Tony the mechanic, who loves the car more than Jerry does. When Jerry asks for his car back, Tony flees in it, taking JFK's clubs with him.

[Outside Auto Shop]

(Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.)

JERRY: Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)

ELAINE: So? What'd they say?

JERRY: They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.

ELAINE: What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!

JERRY: Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I?

ELAINE: What kind of maniac is this guy?

JERRY: He's a very special maniac.

ELAINE: What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: Why couldn't you take better care of that car?!

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters.)

PETERMAN: Well, are they here?

ELAINE: Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag.

PETERMAN: Snag?

ELAINE: It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend's car.

PETERMAN: What does that have to do with my clubs?

ELAINE: They happened to be in the back seat at the time.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door.)

DETECTIVE: What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?

JERRY: You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?

DETECTIVE: All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?

JERRY: Had I been taking...?

DETECTIVE: Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.

JERRY: W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it.

(The detective stares at Jerry.)

JERRY: Not that I would think of doing such things.

DETECTIVE: (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well.

JERRY: Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.

[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]

(George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he has clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy.)

GEORGE: (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project...

WILHELM: That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George. (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.

GEORGE: I did?

WILHELM: Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work George.

(Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(By now, George is looking much more pleased.)

JERRY: I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.

GEORGE: Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

[Mr Wilhelm's Home]

(Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking to his wife, who's in another room.)

WILHELM: The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't he dear?

MRS WILHELM (O.C.): You planted the rose bushes, dear.

WILHELM: I did?

MRS WILHELM (O.C.): Yesterday. You remember.

WILHELM: (thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner?

MRS WILHELM (O.C.): We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine?

(Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's fridge.)

GEORGE: The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car?

JERRY: No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys.

(The door opens and Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: (to George) Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?

JERRY: They're looking.

GEORGE: I gotta go.

(George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up.)

JERRY: Y'hello.

DETECTIVE (V.O.): Mr Seinfeld?

JERRY: Yeah.

DETECTIVE (V.O.): It's Detective McMahon...

(Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police')

DETECTIVE (V.O.): ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd better get down here.

JERRY: Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car.

ELAINE: (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.

JERRY: Are there golf clubs in the back?

DETECTIVE (V.O.): We really can't tell. You better bring your service records.

[Pier 38 Warehouse]

(The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars and parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding gear, etc. Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under a white sheet. Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy.)

YOUNG COP: Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease. Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.

DETECTIVE: How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.

JERRY: (indicating) This is Elaine Benes.

ELAINE: (explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends.

DETECTIVE: I see.

JERRY: Yeah.

DETECTIVE: I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make sure.

JERRY: Well, what's going on? What is this thing?

DETECTIVE: One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.

(He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine.)

ELAINE: (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth)

JERRY: Oh my God!

(The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim.)

DETECTIVE: The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.

ELAINE: Oh, my God.

DETECTIVE: And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is all burnt out.

JERRY: What is that smell?

DETECTIVE: Look at the clutch.

(They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see.)

ELAINE: Uuh.

(The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous.)

YOUNG COP: Excuse me.

DETECTIVE: Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of their way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.

ELAINE: Uhh

JERRY: Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.

DETECTIVE: Your car's not a turbo?

JERRY: No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo!

ELAINE: (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.

(Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another woman arrives.)

WOMAN: Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... (voice breaking) midnight blue?

DETECTIVE: (condolences) Yes ma'am.

[Mail Truck]

(Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness.)

KRAMER/NEWMAN: (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...

(Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics. But the pair still look gleeful.)

[Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car]

(The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up.)

JERRY: Hello.

TONY: Hey Jerry, it's Tony.

JERRY: Tony, where are you?

(The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night.)

TONY: Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you.

(Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little. Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone.)

JERRY: Tony, y-you better bring that car back!

TONY: (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.

JERRY: Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!

TONY: Oh, your car. You want your car back!

JERRY: Tony.

TONY: Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.

(Tony hangs up the phone.)

JERRY: (exasperated) Where do I find these guys?

[Mail Truck]

(Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight.)

NEWMAN: How much gas we got?

KRAMER: Three quarters of a tank.

(Newman punches the numbers into a calculator.)

KRAMER: That's better than we estimated.

NEWMAN: (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better.

(They give a smug little laugh.)

NEWMAN: Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.

KRAMER: Ah, no, that's not in the budget.

NEWMAN: Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment.

KRAMER: That's not a good investment, that's a loss.

(A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck.)

KRAMER: Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate.

(He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans forward, straining to make out the plate.)

KRAMER: Yeah, those are New York plates.

NEWMAN: Is that Jerry's number?

KRAMER: I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.

(Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something.)

NEWMAN: What're you doing?

KRAMER: I'm calling Jerry.

NEWMAN: On what?

KRAMER: Brought my phone.

(He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry.)

[Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck]

JERRY: (answering phone) Y'hello.

KRAMER: Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?

JERRY: Why, what's up?

KRAMER: Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.

JERRY: Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.

KRAMER: (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.

JERRY: Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country.

KRAMER: Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.

JERRY: Good work Kramer, this is incredible.

KRAMER: Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey! I'll check back with you.

[Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment]

(The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it.)

ELAINE: Elaine Benes.

JERRY: Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!

ELAINE: Oh my god, where is it?

JERRY: It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em.

ELAINE: Are the clubs there?

JERRY: I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back.

ELAINE: Alright, I'm heading over right now.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine enters at a rush.)

ELAINE: What's the status?

JERRY: Last check-in, they were still on him.

ELAINE: Well, have they called the police yet?

JERRY: No, they won't call the police.

ELAINE: What? Why not?

JERRY: They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record.

ELAINE: Kramer has a record.

JERRY: Not a Federal record.

(The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine picks up in the kitchen.)

[Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE/JERRY: Kramer?

JERRY: What's going on?

KRAMER: Yeah, nothing. We're still following him.

(Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to move onto the off-ramp.)

KRAMER: Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the one-thirty-five.

ELAINE: Keep following him.

KRAMER: Alright, alright, I'll follow him.

NEWMAN: Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan.

KRAMER: Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our way.

ELAINE: I need those clubs.

JERRY: Kramer, I want my car.

KRAMER: Well, I don't know what to do.

NEWMAN: Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas.

JERRY: Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.

NEWMAN: Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our budget won't hold it.

KRAMER: Well, I don't know what to do man!

NEWMAN: Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.

ELAINE/JERRY: Right. Go right!/South!

KRAMER: Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp.

(Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal and the truck sways.)

[Mail Truck]

NEWMAN: I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole venture.

KRAMER: This ramp is steep.

NEWMAN: All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought.

KRAMER: Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.

(Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer gets out of the driving seat.)

NEWMAN: What're you doing?

KRAMER: (climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get something.

NEWMAN: Are you crazy?

(The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat.)

KRAMER: Keep your foot on the gas.

(Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans.)

NEWMAN: Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you?

(Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck.)

NEWMAN: Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our losses.

(Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck.)

KRAMER: Look out below!!

(Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway. Kramer grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning.)

[Yankee Stadium: Steinbrenner's Office]

(Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on his desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass.)

STEINBRENNER: (to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a scientist.

(There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters.)

GEORGE: You wanted to see me, sir?

STEINBRENNER: Ah, come in George, come in.

(George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident.)

STEINBRENNER: Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on.

GEORGE: (smiling) Yes sir.

STEINBRENNER: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?

GEORGE: (wondering where this is leading) No sir.

STEINBRENNER: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?

GEORGE: (worried now) No sir.

STEINBRENNER: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!

GEORGE: What're.. What're you talking about?

STEINBRENNER: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.

(Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the room behind George.)

STEINBRENNER: Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan.

(George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach him and stand behind him, one on either shoulder.)

STEINBRENNER: They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.

(Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky)

GEORGE: Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.

(Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office toward the door.)

STEINBRENNER: Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write it.

GEORGE: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.

(As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his last stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually he is dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view.)

STEINBRENNER: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. Get better!

[Mail Truck]

(The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed by the mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger seat.)

KRAMER: (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...

(He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought occurs.)

KRAMER: ...sluggish.

NEWMAN: I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags.

KRAMER: Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?

NEWMAN: (perks up) A pie stand? Where?

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back.

NEWMAN: Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya.

(Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman sticks his head out the window to peer back down the road.)

NEWMAN: Where? I..I..I don't see it.

KRAMER: Well open the door, you get a better look.

(Newman slides back the door and leans out.)

NEWMAN: I don't see any pie...

(Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves him out of the truck.)

NEWMAN: ...Aargh!

(As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door shut and drives away.)

NEWMAN: Kramer!!

KRAMER: I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back.

NEWMAN: (after speeding truck) Kramer!!

(In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials.)

KRAMER: (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy!

[Country Roadside]

(Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries to thumb a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia to drivers.)

NEWMAN: Federal employee. Federal employee.

(Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues his trudge, a sour look on his face.)

[Countryside]

(Newman struggles up a steep slope. Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from the vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face lights up. He stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling, before picking himself up and running up to the building.)

[Farm]

(Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As he reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the window, he sees a pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes to his face. He turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens.)

FARMER: Hello stranger.

NEWMAN: (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.

FARMER: Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, hearty meal, clean bed.

NEWMAN: Oh, thank you, sir.

FARMER: Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter.

(Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer. Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation.)

[Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race along a quiet country road.)

KRAMER: Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone handset.)

JERRY: How's the gas situation?

KRAMER: (checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis.

(In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab.)

KRAMER: He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something.

(Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself.)

KRAMER: He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!

JERRY: Duck, Kramer! Duck!

(Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away.)

KRAMER: It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!

ELAINE: Those are JFK's golf clubs!

(Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces off the windshield, leaving some cracks.)

KRAMER: Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!

ELAINE: Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!

JERRY: No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.

KRAMER: Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, he's taking out the woods!

(Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck.)

KRAMER: (noise)

(The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club after club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck.)

KRAMER: (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!

(Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against the windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel runs over a club on the tarmac and the tyre bursts.)

JERRY: (hearing the noises) What's happening!

(The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the road.)

KRAMER: This truck is dying. We're losing him.

(The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The truck staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam and smoke erupts from under the hood.)

KRAMER: I think we lost him.

JERRY: (disappointment) Dammit!

ELAINE: (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer?

KRAMER: (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.

(Jerry hangs up.)

[Country]

(Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road. He kicks the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks a club off the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of the radiator grille. Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He comes upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over his shoulder, he continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as he goes.)

[Farm]

(Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen table. They are working their way through a generous meal.)

FARMER: Enjoy that mutton?

NEWMAN: (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.

(The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her fork, touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing with cutlery, but she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and tries to take a nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and he splutters.)

FARMER: That cider too strong for you?

NEWMAN: No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.

(The farmer's daughter licks her lips.)

FARMER: Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to lend a hand.

NEWMAN: (reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that.

FARMER: Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.

(The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed.)

FARMER: Just gotta pull on the teat a little.

(Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously.)

SUSIE: (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around.

NEWMAN: You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)

(The farmer looks at him oddly.)

NEWMAN: (breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy?

[Institution]

(George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free hand is holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are a couple of inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are Pop and Deena Lazzari, previously seen in 'The Gum'.)

GEORGE: (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!

DEENA: I'll be back same time next week, Pop.

GEORGE: (quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.

(Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room.)

DEENA: George?

(George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the phone.)

DEENA: I see you're finally getting some help.

GEORGE: Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.

DEENA: George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away)

GEORGE: Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!

(As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and restrains him.)

GEORGE: Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!

(George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration as the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over.)

POP: Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?

[Countryside]

(Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps up to the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings out and the farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be heard yelling angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up his trousers.)

NEWMAN: (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!

KRAMER: What you doing?!

NEWMAN: (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me!

(Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes the farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter, whose shirt is undone and hair is dishevelled.)

KRAMER: (takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez!

FARMER: (taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter!

(As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer fires a shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the cover of the crop. Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel of the shotgun downward, spoiling his aim.)

SUSIE: No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, goodbye.

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters at a rush.)

PETERMAN: (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they?

ELAINE: (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.

PETERMAN: Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.

(Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs are, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a poor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief at the twisted metal.)

ELAINE: The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there.

PETERMAN: Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.

ELAINE: (spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously)

PETERMAN: See you on Monday.

(Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door.)

ELAINE: Have a good game.

The End

S7E23 - The Wait Out

Broadcast date: May 9, 1996

Written by Peter Mehlman

Story by Peter Mehlman & Matt Selman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Cary Elwes ........................... David

Debra Messing ..................... Beth

Allan Havey.......................... Policeman

Diana Castle.......................... Mrs. Zanfino

Todd Bosley.......................... Joey

J.C. Hertzler.......................... Mr. Berger

Nicole Tocantins.................... Barbara

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

rc: Danny Woodburn ........... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

The whole concept of being separated to me is strange, it’s like you’re engaged to be divorced. We’re gonna try making not being together work. First we we’re separated, then we met, then we were together, now we are gonna try being separated again. We actually think some kind of giant rubber band might be the best solution. 'Course when you were a kid in school you would get separated for having too good of a time, 'if you too kids don't stop laughing and having fun i'm gonna have to separate you' Then the kid finds out his parents are breaking up and he thinks it's because they got caught fooling around, which is probably true.

[Setting: The Coffee Shop]

(Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)

JERRY: Hairdo?

ELAINE: (Looking up from a menu) Yeah.

JERRY: You look like Brenda Starr.

ELAINE: Is that good?

JERRY: It's better than Dondi.

(Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the room)

ELAINE: Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky.

JERRY: (Interested, still looking at the couple) Really?

ELAINE: Mm-hmm.

JERRY: You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner.

ELAINE: Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue)

JERRY: Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years.

ELAINE: Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on.

(George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking lot)

GEORGE: This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces.

(Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)

ELAINE: Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine.

GEORGE: You have a car?

ELAINE: Well, my friend, Elise, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town.

JERRY: (Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive.

GEORGE: Me either.

(David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)

BETH: (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) Jerry? Elaine, Hi!

ELAINE: (Overly generous) Hi, David!

JERRY: Hi, Beth!

BETH: Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) this is my husband, David.

GEORGE: Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)

DAVID: Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right?

GEORGE: Yeah. Why, what do you do?

DAVID: Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor.

GEORGE: Really?

BETH: Mm-hm.

DAVID: Yeah.

GEORGE: (Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him.

(George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at each other, taking in the awkward moment)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey. Mickey's reading a script)

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?

MICKEY: I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue)

MICKEY: Kramer's going to be my scene partner.

JERRY: Kramer?

MICKEY: He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to sit there. I'm playing a detective.

KRAMER: Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder.

JERRY: Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat)

KRAMER: (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?

JERRY: (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.

KRAMER: (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then.

JERRY: (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body.

KRAMER: (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.

(Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)

JERRY: Ehh, I dunno..

KRAMER: Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.

Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's car]

(Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the passenger's seat, looks car sick)

ELAINE: God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!

(Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..

JERRY: (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.

ELAINE: You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street)

MAN: Hey!

JERRY: (Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit!

(Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)

ELAINE: Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night!

JERRY: (Out of it) Huh?

ELAINE: They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Monk's coffee shop]

(Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)

ELAINE: So, now, what is our move? What do we do?

JERRY: I don't know, but we don't have much time.

ELAINE: (Agreeing) Mm.

JERRY: The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage.

ELAINE: Right.

JERRY: It's like when tenant dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action.

ELAINE: Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time.

JERRY: Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise.

ELAINE: (Nodding) Yeah, yeah..

JERRY: But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates.

ELAINE: Then why are we calling?

JERRY: Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling?

(Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply)

ELAINE: Ah! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, "I'm there for you."

JERRY: (Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there for you."

ELAINE: Then, after a period of being "there for you", we slowly remove the two words "for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!" gesture) "there".

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(George enters)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated.

GEORGE: Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you?

JERRY: What'd you say?

GEORGE: You know, that, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just bein' folksy. They could tell I was just being folksy..?

ELAINE: Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.

GEORGE: Totally folksy.

(Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into the room. Elaine, Jerry, and George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them, and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh as Kramer throws the magazine back down)

JERRY: hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there?

KRAMER: Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.

ELAINE: Kramer, they're painted on!

KRAMER: Well, they're slim-fit.

JERRY: Slim-fit?

KRAMER: (Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.

JERRY: You're walkin' like Frankenstein!

KRAMER: (Making his way toward the door) What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut behind him) Alright, see you later.

(Everyone stares after him)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's apartment]

(Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner)

ELAINE: (Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.

(Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth)

JERRY: Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet?

(Scene jumps back to Elaine)

ELAINE: Because it's really nobody's business.

(Back to Jerry)

JERRY: Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you.

(Cut back to Elaine)

ELAINE: "There" is, um.. anywhere you want me to be..

(Back to Jerry)

JERRY: Sure, dinner would be fine.

(Back to Elaine)

ELAINE: And I could just be there. (Adding) For you.

(Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic)

KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta help me!

JERRY: What's wrong?

KRAMER: I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume!

JERRY: Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off.

KRAMER: (Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck..

JERRY: (Walks over and starts pulling on Kramer's pants) You just gotta wiggle your hips a little bit.

KRAMER: (Wiggling and floppin) Pull Down

JERRY: (Stops pulling on the pants) Alright, alright, That's no good. (Moves Kramer over to the couch) Let me try getting them from the bottom. (Goes for Kramer's Leg) Just gimme one leg.

KRAMER: (Feet off the ground, his body going everywhere on the couch) Wait, Jerry...Wait a minu...

JERRY: (Still pulling on Kramer's pants from the ankles) Man these are tight. (Yanking) Squinch your hips in

KRAMER; I am Squinching my Hips!

JERRY: (Still pulling) Squinch em!

KRAMER: (Getting Pulled and pulled) I...um...ei...

JERRY: (Stops) Alright, that's not gonna work, it's not gonna work. Let me just think for a second here.

KRAMER: (Starts to tilt back onto the couch) You better get me. (Falls back and Jerry starts to him upright) Get me up, Get me up, Get me up.

JERRY: Hold it, hold it...Look your gonna need the jaws of life to get out of those things.

KRAMER: (walking toward the door) Look I don't have time to wait, I'm gonna be late.

JERRY: (Kramer waddling out the door) Maybe you can soak in the tub.

KRAMER: You better get the door.

(Scene Ends)

(Kramer waddling through the city down the sidewalk)

[Setting: Restaurant]

(Jerry and Beth)

BETH: It was nice to get your call.

JERRY: Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when i'm not here for you, i'm there for you.

BETH: (Laughing) Well where ever you are i appreciate it.

JERRY: So how did this all happen?

BETH: Well actually, it had a lot to do with George's comment.

JERRY: (stunned) Is that right?

BETH: I thought maybe i could do better.

JERRY: Maybe, maybe

BETH: Well it wasn't just that, i realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.

JERRY: (agreeing) well three years is a long time to be married.

BETH: Like in the middle of our fight last night he did this thing that he always does where he asks questions to himself, aloud. And then answers them.

[Jump to David and Elaine out to Dinner]

DAVID: Am I happy Beth left me? Of course not. Do I hope to pick up the pieces and move on? Absolutely

ELAINE: You're gonna pick up the pieces.

DAVID: Just had our third anniversary on April 8th

ELAINE: 10th

DAVID: (very sad) right

ELAINE: Right

DAVID: (Mad) You know as far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is George's fault

ELAINE: Well, David the thing about George is that he's an idiot.

(End Scene)

[Setting: Play House]

(Mickey and the other people auditioning in the crowd)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Alright, auditioning next is Mickey Abbott (Mickey starts looking around for Kramer and checks his watch) Doing a scene from the Terrance Clifford play "Press wounds in Ithaca"

MICKEY: (stands up) Sorry my scene partner isn't here yet so I guess uh..(Kramer enters and runs into some chairs) Oh

KRAMER: Hey, sorry I'm late.

MICKEY: (quietly talking to Kramer) What's with the jeans you're supposed to be a business man

KRAMER: I know, it's a long story.

MICKEY: Well just get up there

(Kramer and Mickey get on the stage, Kramer trips on the step, They start the scene)

MICKEY: So, Bradley. I guess this is the last place you expected to find yourself.

KRAMER: (takes a breath)

MICKEY: Well we're gonna be here a while so take a seat. (Kramer starts trying to sit down, Mickey has his back to him and gets out a pack of cigarettes, Mickey then turns around once he has his cigarette to find Kramer struggling to sit down) You know if it hadn't been for that secretary of yours...I said sit down! (Kramer still trying to sit down, Mickey throws the pack of cigarettes to the floor) Are you deaf Bradley?! I said sit down!

KRAMER: (still trying to sit down, says under his breath) I'm trying. {hard to make out}

MICKEY: (almost starts to laugh) Bradley! (looking to the crowd) It's very important that you sit down (Kramer still trying to sit down) Now for the last time, (angry) Try again to Sit Down! (Running at Kramer with his arms in the air) Sit down you big stupid Ape! (Mickey tackles Kramer)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine sitting in a chair and Jerry in his Kitchen)

ELAINE: Did I have a great time with David Lickner last night? I sure did. (Jerry comes over to the couch with a beverage and sits down) Do I think there is a future here? I don't see why not.

JERRY: I'll tell you, that There for you crap was a stroke of genius.

ELAINE: Ooooh, please.

JERRY: Never mind

ELAINE: Ah come on

JERRY: You're a Genius!

ELAINE: Aaalright!

(George Enters)

ELAINE: Mmmnn, Georgie!

(Jerry and Elaine clapping and yelling get up to great George)

GEORGE: (confused) What, what's going on?

JERRY: What's going on? You're the man of the hour, That's what's going on.

ELAINE: Right

GEORGE: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Well thanks to you and your little comment there to David and Beth. Jerry and I are in prime pouncing position to scoop these two up (Jerry and Elaine do a little slow dance of joy) before they know what hit em.

GEORGE: So it was my comment that broke them up?

(Jerry and Elaine stop their dance)

JERRY: According to them

ELAINE: Ya

GEORGE: I feel terrible, I can't be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Oh no (starting moving for the door, Elaine begins to stop him)

JERRY: (moving over to block the door) Where are you going?

GEORGE: Well I gotta go talk to Beth.

JERRY: Talk to Beth?

GEORGE: Well I gotta undo what I did.

JERRY: You're not undoing anything.

GEORGE: Oh yes I am

JERRY: Oh no you're not!

GEORGE: (starts to try to get passed Jerry and Elaine) Alright get out of my way. (Jerry and Elaine push him back, George very annoyed) Alright don't make me get physical here!

ELAINE: (Put her finger in George's face) You be careful George.

George (Starts to fight his way through them) Oh uh Ho

(Scene Ends with Elaine jumping on George back and Jerry taking out George's Legs)

[Setting: Beth's Apartment]

BETH: (Opens the door to reveal a ruffed up George) George?!

GEORGE: Hi Beth (Scene Ends then re-begins with Beth and George on Beth's couch) Um anyway Jerry told me that uh.. it might have been my comment in the Coffee Shop that broke you up.

BETH: Oh, well you know it's funny George. Sometimes you don't know how you're really feeling about something until a person like you comes along and articulates it so perfectly.

GEORGE: Oh (snorts) Articulate....Me? I've never articulated anything, i'm completely incoherent.

(Phone Rings)

BETH: (gets up to answer the phone) I don't know about that. Hold on (Picks phone up) Hello...Hi (pauses for Jerry to speak) ya last night I had a good time too (pauses for Jerry to speak) Really? that's so funny he's here right now.

JERRY: (talking to Beth on the phone) Could you put him on, I'd love to say hello.

BETH: (talk to Jerry) Sure. (starts to hand George the phone) George it's Jerry.

GEORGE: He..he wants to talk to me?

BETH: Ya he says he wants to say hello.

GEORGE: Sweet guy (Receives the phone from Beth, Starts to talk to Jerry) Hello

JERRY: George what the hell are you doing over there? I told you to mind your own business now stay out of my affairs!

GEORGE: Oh Jerry, that is so sweet of you but actually i already ate.

JERRY: Ate? What? What the hell are you talking about? Now you listen to me, you get out of that apartment this instant. If you screw this up for me I swear....

GEORGE: (cuts into Jerry talking) Chocolate chip mint? Oh well, actually Jerry I prefer chocolate chip. What is it about the chocolate and the mint that makes it go so well together?

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Oh of course you can use it, sure. (Jerry saying stuff through the phone) Ok, bye. (hangs the phone up)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sitting on his couch watching tv)

(Kramer enters still wearing the tight jeans)

KRAMER: Hey

JERRY: Hey, are you still wearing those things.

KRAMER: Oh ya, I think they are starting to loosen up a bit. (Mrs. Anvino come to Jerry's threshold) Oh hi Mrs. Anvino.

MRS. ANVINO: Oh Kramer would you do me a favor my baby sitter hasn't show up could you come watch Joey for an hour I gotta run out.

KRAMER: Sure Mrs. Anvino, ya.

MRS. ANVINO: He's sleeping already, you don't have to do anything, just wait till i get back

KRAMER: (salutes Jerry on his way out) See you later buddy.

JERRY: See you later

(Phone rings)

JERRY: Hello

BETH: Hi Jerry it's Beth.

JERRY: (excited) Oh, Hi Beth

BETH: Hi, i've been doing a lot of thinking today and i don't know maybe i made a huge mistake

JERRY: (under his breath) George.

(Elaine enters)

BETH: I'm feeling really confused.

JERRY: Um. I'll call you back ok?

BETH: ok

(Jerry hangs up the phone)

JERRY: Trouble

ELAINE: What

JERRY: George

ELAINE: is it?

JERRY: ya

ELAINE: Dam

JERRY: What are we gonna do?

ELAINE: What do we do? You get your ass over to Beth's, toot sweet. That's what you do and turn on some of that so called charm you're always telling me about.

JERRY: Ya i could try and do that.

ELAINE: (Pushing Jerry) You don't try, you Do It! I got the loser in this relationship and I'm breathing new life into him, you give me three more days, he won't be able to remember her name. You got the winner, you got the easy part. Alright let's go (claps) I'll drive you over there. Come on.

JERRY: No you go on ahead, I'll take the bus.

ELAINE: What? I'm parked right outside, let's go. Come on (grabs Jerry's arm) come on.

JERRY: No, no. I'll take the subway.

ELAINE: (pulling Jerry out the door) Nah It doesn't matter come on, I'll take you.

JERRY: Na, uh, no, uh, I'll hitch hike.

ELAINE: What's your Problem?

JERRY: It's really not necessary.

(Jerry is pulled passed his open door by Elaine and doesn't get a chance to close it.)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Monk's]

(George and Susan sitting at the middle table)

GEORGE: (breaks a long silence) The uh, the shoe laces that you bought me, they uh, they worked out well. (thumbs up)

SUSAN: Well you know, if you need some more. I can get them for ya.

GEORGE: Should be a while though.

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Jerry and Elaine driving through the city]

(Elaine is weaving in and out of traffic)

ELAINE: (Car tires screeching) Woah, ahhh. Hehe Ha ha ha. That was close. Confide in her, open up to her. You know women like that.

JERRY: I don't feel so good.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Beth's apartment]

JERRY: Anyway Beth, you know i was thinking on my way over how when i was 9. I wanted these handball sneakers, they were all black but they came in adult sizes so you know i never got the sneakers. (Beth looks him confused)

BETH: Oh really?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine and David walking]

ELAINE: My father left us when I was 9 so I guess that is why i have such a fear of abandonment.

DAVID: Wow that's so touching

ELAINE: Yes it is.

(Jump to George and Susan still in Monk's)

DAVID: (Looking in through the window) Hey it's George

ELAINE: Oh, maybe we should go some place else.

DAVID: No, let's go in.

(Elaine and David enter Monk's, George is very surprised)

GEORGE: Oh uh hi Hi, David

DAVID: Hi George

GEORGE: Elaine

ELAINE: Hi

GEORGE: Listen uh, David, I, I, I want to apologize about that comment

DAVID: (interrupting) George please, please I'm fine.

GEORGE: Oh ya, This is my fiance, Susan. This is David

SUSAN: David

DAVID: Oh fiance. Boy you coulda done a lot better than him. (Susan laughs) Come on Elaine lets go.

(Susan starts pondering something, George notices and has a big smirk on his face)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: The Anvino Apartment]

(Joey Anvino sleeping in his bed, Kramer walking through the halls of this seemingly large apartment with his tight jeans still on)

JOEY: (wakes up to see a shadow image of Kramer and takes off out of the apartment) Aah! It's Frankinstein! Frankinstein!

KRAMER: (waddling after Joey) Joey! Joey!

(Scene Jump)

[Setting: Apartment}

(Mickey with a girl from his Scene audition)

GIRL: Mickey you were so incredible in that scene yesterday, the rage.

MICKEY: Right, the rage. Tons of rage.

(Scene Jump back to Kramer in the Anvino Apartment)

KRAMER: (Going to the phone) I don't believe this

(Jump to Mickey)

MICKEY: (phone rings, sighs, answers) Hello?

KRAMER: Mickey

MICKEY: Oh Hi Kramer. What do you want, I'm a little busy.

KRAMER: Look, you gotta do me a favor.

MICKEY: What? Now? I can't

KRAMER: Hey, you owe me. I got you into Actor's Studio. They thought what we did was the scene.

MICKEY: Oh alright, alright. I'll be right over.

(Scenes end)

(Resume George and Susan at Monk's)

GEORGE: (coming back to the table from the bathroom) Oh uh. You ready?

SUSAN: (sighs) You know what George, uh. Why don't you go ahead. I think I'd like to be alone for a while.

GEORGE: Oh sure, sure. You wanna be alone, sure. I understand that, you wanna a little time to think uh thing..ponder things..you know..ruminant..(chuckles) you go ahead, lotta stuff on your mind..you think things out..Think, mull, mull, do a lot of mulling. (short laugh then exits Monk's)

(Scene Ends)

[Setting: Anvino Apartment, Joey's bedroom]

KRAMER: I gotta go find this kid. So all you gotta do is lay here, pretend you're asleep in case she gets back, here (grabs the covers and throws em over Mickey) keep the covers over ya.

MICKEY: Why don't you just cut the stupid pants and get them off already/

KRAMER: I'm breaking them in, and they're feeling better.

MICKEY: What am I gonna do in here?

KRAMER: Just keep the lights down and your eyes closed. I'll be back.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: Jerry! Jerry! Je Jerry Jerry . The most unbelievable thing has just happened, it's too Unbelievable! I'm sitting in the coffee shop, i'm talking to Susan, were talking about shoe laces (does two guns to the head) so in walks..in walks David, right, he walks right to the table..righ I introduced him to Susan..and he says get this (laughs) he says 'boy you could do a lot better than this guy' huh right (more laughing by George, Jerry is totally just mellow and straight faced) The exact same thing that I said to him, just to get back at me just to get back at me..and then, and then she says she wants to be alone for awhile..Alone Jerry! I think that she thinks that she could do better (laughs) Do you appreciate this? Do you see the irony of this? Do you see what is going on here? What's the matter?

JERRY: I'm nauseous.

GEORGE: Is that what's hurting your appreciation for the story?

JERRY: A little

GEORGE: Because it's really a pretty good little story. Don't you think?

JERRY: It's not bad.

GEORGE: Yea

(Scene Ends)

[Setting Streets of NY]

(Kramer waddling down the sidewalk)

KRAMER: Joey, there you are. Hey

JOEY: AH!!

KRAMER: Joey

JOEY: (runs into the arms of a police officer) A Monster

KRAMER: I'm the babysitter

(Jump to Mickey laying in Joey's Bed, In walks Joey's mom)

MRS. ANVINO: Goodnight, Honey.

MICKEY: Goodnight

(Jump to Jerry's, Jerry and George sitting on his couch watching TV, Mrs Anvino screams and it is heard at Jerry's)

JERRY: It's gotta have something to do with Kramer

(Scenes End)

[Setting: David and Elaine at David's apartment]

DAVID: Elaine, here's to you being there.

ELAINE: and here.

(knock on the door)

DAVID: Excuse me. (answers the door) Beth

BETH: David

(Beth and David fall into each other's arms)

ELAINE: (takes a huge shot) I'll tell ya, it's not bad.

(Beth and David making out ends the Scene)

[Setting: George and Susans' Apartment]

(In walks Susan, George comes down the hall with a bunch of clothes and one of Susan's dolls)

SUSAN: George?

GEORGE: (Places the doll presumingly where it belongs on a shelf) Ya?

SUSAN: Can I talk to you for a minute?

GEORGE: Ya, sure sure.

SUSAN: I've been doing a lot of thinking about the wedding and all. and uh (George puts his head down and his hand on her shoulder as if to brace himself for something big) I've decided to go with the chicken.

(Scene ends with George confused after Susan heads for the bedroom)

[Setting: Kramer at the police station]

OFFICER: So chasing little kids huh? You're in a lot of trouble mister.

KRAMER: No no look, I was baby-sitting

OFFICER: Ya ya right. Sit down!

(Kramer looks at the chair then looks at the officer)

OFFICER: What are you deaf? I said sit down! (Kramer tries to sit down but struggles) Hey, for the last time, sit down.

KRAMER: (somewhat under his breath) Ya ya.

(Scene ends with Kramer leaning on the chair seat with his legs out stretched under the table)

END OF SHOW

S7E24 - The Invitations

Broadcast date: May 16, 1996

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Janeane Garofalo ................. Jeannie Steinman

Stephen Root ....................... Mr. Lager

Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Doctor

John Riggi ............................ Bank Teller

Sue Goodman ...................... Clerk

Julie Clark ............................ Waitress

Fred Goehner ...................... Delivery Guy

Carol Leifer .......................... Bank employee (uncredited)

rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

[Opening monologue]

I think that if the wedding invitations were left up to the men, we'd just drive around sticking flyers in windshields ...y' know... Not even typed up either, just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!.. What's needed is a divorce announcement; Mr and Mrs Fred Johnson are requesting the honour of your presence at the "returning" of their daughter back to Mr,and Mrs Fred Johnson.

[Outside Melody Stationeries]

(Susan and George walk into the store and go up the sales clerk.)

SUSAN: Hi.

CLERK: Hi.. May I help you?

SUSAN: Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations.

CLERK: Ohh! Well...Congratulations

SUSAN: (happily) Thank you.

GEORGE: (mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.

CLERK: When 's the wedding?

SUSAN: June

GEORGE: late June.

CLERK: Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front.

(George takes the binder and feigns browsing and flips right to the last page.)

GEORGE: He..hmmm. humm...What about this one.

CLERK: Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check.

SUSAN: Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't want that.

GEORGE: What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do.

SUSAN: Why don't they make'em anymore?

CLERK: Well.. For one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.

GEORGE: So we pick up some (word missing)

SUSAN: (disappointed)All right. You see what I do for you.

[Scene cuts to the street as Susan and George are about to get into a cab. Kramer happens to walk by.]

GEORGE: Hey! Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey! George.....Lily..

SUSAN: No. Susan.

KRAMER: No. No It's Lily

SUSAN: I think I know my own name.

GEORGE: It's Susan

KRAMER: (lost for words) Well you look like a Lily...

[Scene cuts to Jerry's apt. George walks in . Jerry is coming out of his bedroom twiddling scissors.]

GEORGE: It's coming Jerry, it's coming.

JERRY: What's coming?

GEORGE: The Day..

JERRY: Ahhh...The Day..

GEORGE: We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry, help me.

JERRY: why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over

GEORGE: I can't

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE 'Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of scene that would be? i'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than go through something like that. (forceful) I CAN'T, I CAN'T. I tried to psyche myself up a million times I cannot go through that.

JERRY: All right take it easy, just take it easy.

GEORGE: What about a letter?

JERRY: A letter.

GEORGE: I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.

JERRY: That's it?

GEORGE: What? Too short?

BOTH: Seems a little short, yeah..

JERRY: You can't go to China What about your job?

GEORGE: My Job..arghhh

JERRY: So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me.

GEORGE: Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes?

JERRY: Aagh! You come back for your clothes

GEORGE: I'm not going back in there.

JERRY: So forget about your clothes.

GEORGE: Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!!

JERRY: Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes.

GEORGE: If she'd just take a plane somewhere.

JERRY: And what, hope for a crash?

GEORGE: It happens.

JERRY: You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one.

GEORGE: It's something . It's hope.

(Elaine comes through the door)

ELAINE: Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa..

JERRY: Euhh...Elaine....

ELAINE: What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party?

GEORGE: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be?

GEORGE: I don't know. I don't think you're anything.

ELAINE: Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend....What about being a bridesmaid.

GEORGE: Those are Susan's friends.

ELAINE: Well then...aaahh how about being an usher?

GEORGE: Well...I'll ask Susan about it later.

ELAINE: You don't ask.. You tell.

GEORGE: ( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter?

JERRY: Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do?

ELAINE: Start smoking.

GEORGE: Smoking.

JERRY: Does she hate cigarettes?

GEORGE: Yes, she hates cigarettes.

JERRY: But you don't smoke.

GEORGE: Nooooooo......

[Scene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking]

JERRY: You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.

ELAINE: Yeah! You're probably right.

JERRY: Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.

ELAINE: No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.

JERRY: So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.

ELAINE: Yep! just you and Kramer.

(Elaine walks away)

JERRY: See you ... me and Kramer...

(Daydreaming sequence set in Jerry's apt. in a probable future. Kramer pops in. They look a little older.)

KRAMER: Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.

JERRY: (annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car.

KRAMER: Huh! You make a higher roof.

JERRY: They're not making higher roofs.

KRAMER: why can't you make a higher roof.

JERRY: Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid...

(As Jerry slowly comes out of his doze he is about to cross the street as a car comes to him at high speed.)

JERRY: .....Stupid , stupid.

JEANNIE: Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?

JERRY: Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life.

JEANNIE: Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that.

JERRY: oh! thank you.

JEANNIE: You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. If that bothers you.

JERRY: Well I...

JEANNIE: You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste.

JERRY: What?

JEANNIE: The shirt you got on under your sweather. It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar.

JERRY: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

JEANNIE: Jeannie Steinman.

JERRY: Hey! Same initials . How do you like that?

JEANNIE: I like it.

[George and Susan at their apt.]

GEORGE: Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding

SUSAN: No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either.

GEORGE: Why not?

SUSAN: He doesn't even know my name.

GEORGE: That was an honest mistake.

SUSAN: Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony.

(George takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out.)

GEORGE: Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right.

SUSAN: Whadda doing?

GEORGE: (shrugs and lights it up)

SUSAN: Since when do you smoke?

GEORGE: (coughs) I've always smoked.

SUSAN: I've never seen you smoke.

GEORGE: Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know.....I got no will power.

SUSAN: I don't like this one bit.

GEORGE: Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...

SUSAN: Well you are gonna have to quit.

(George sprints to the bathroom)

GEORGE: Oh my god....

[At Monks.]

WAITRESS: Menus?

JERRY: No. I know what I want.

WAITRESS: The usual?

JERRY: Yeah.,

WAITRESS: And for you?

JEANNIE: I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to much milk.

WAITRESS: Ok Two bowls of Cheerios.

JEANNIE: You too.?...

JERRY: Yeah!!!

[At Jerry's. Kramer comes in Jerry is on the couch.]

KRAMER: Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?

JERRY: Uh! Really .That's nice.

KRAMER: Now what's with you?

JERRY: I think I'm in love.

KRAMER: Oh. Come on.

JERRY: No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.

KRAMER: If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too.

JERRY: No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.

KRAMER: You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME OUT!!!

[At the HOME FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK Kramer walks up to a teller.]

KRAMER: Hey!

TELLER: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.

TELLER: Yes I did

KRAMER: No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars.

TELLER: No, No I said Hello.

KRAMER: No, No You said Hey!

TELLER: Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing.

KRAMER: The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello

TELLER: You're taking that much to literally. Now sir , do you have any business to transact.

KRAMER: No, I want to speak to the manager.

TELLER: Well, He's not here right now.

KRAMER: Then I'll be back.

[In Jerry's hallway]

ELAINE: So I'm not gonna be an usher?

GEORGE: No..

ELAINE: So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing.

GEORGE: Well Kramer's not an usher anymore.

KRAMER: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: You've been demoted.

KRAMER: Why?

GEORGE: Because you called her by the wrong name.

KRAMER: But she really looks like a Lily

ELAINE: Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding.

KRAMER: Yeah. me neither.

JERRY: (shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding

GEORGE: Who!!?

JERRY: I just met her, she's incredible.

ELAINE: Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers.

JERRY: You can go with Kramer

KRAMER: No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.

GEORGE: Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing.

ELAINE: Did you try the cigarettes?

GEORGE: Yeah.. They made me sick.

KRAMER: All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ?

GEORGE: Yeah...

KRAMER: All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup.

GEORGE: What does that mean?

KRAMER: Ask her to sign a pre-nup.

GEORGE: What does that do?

KRAMER: Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage.

GEORGE: They are?... Elaine?

ELAINE: I wouldn't sign one.

GEORGE: Pre-nup of course ..Kramer....

KRAMER: Get out of here.

(George and Susan at their apt.)

GEORGE: Hi.

SUSAN: Hi. Hey I've been going over the list .What about The Drake? Wanna invite him?

GEORGE: Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me.

SUSAN: What is it?

GEORGE: Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.

SUSAN: A pre-nup?

GEORGE: Yeah.

SUSAN: (burst out laughing)

GEORGE: What's so funny?

SUSAN: Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...

[Scenes of Jerry and Jeannie enjoying each other in the park , at the grocery store, comparing comic books and making out. Interrupted by Kramer as he slams into Jerry's locked door.]

JERRY: Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)

KRAMER: Jerry.... hey Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Hello.

KRAMER: Remember I told you about the bank?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey!

JERRY: Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Yeah I think it's the same thing.

KRAMER: Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)

[Scene takes us to George's again. We hear a buzzer.]

DELIVERY MAN: Delivery from Melody Stationaries.

SUSAN: Oh those are the invitations.

DELIVERY MAN: Just sign there.

SUSAN: yeah! Thank you.

GEORGE: See ya later.

SUSAN: Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping.

[To Jerry's again]

KRAMER: Hey

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Jeannie left?

JERRY: Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight.

KRAMER: Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.

JERRY: What's with you?

KRAMER: Nothin'

JERRY: Something on your mind?

KRAMER: No.

JERRY: Looks like there is?

KRAMER: No

JERRY: Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it.

KRAMER: I don't like her.

JERRY: You don't like her?

KRAMER: That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go.

JERRY: What's wrong with her?

KRAMER: Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.

JERRY: Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either.

KRAMER: So THAT's how it's going to be

JERRY: That's how it's gonna be.

KRAMER: OH! GOD HELP US!!!

[George's Apartment. Susan licking envelopes]

SUSAN: Eurk.. Awful

[Jerry at the pier watching lovers and families considering his future]

[Another look at Susan licking her envelopes, getting nauseous.]

[Back to the Federal Home Savings Bank]

MANAGER: May i help you?

KRAMER: Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello.

MANAGER: Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars. That's our policy.

KRAMER: yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.

MANAGER: Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a second

JIM: Uh.. yes can you give me a minute.

MANAGER: Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward pause)

KRAMER: (knocks on desk) Is thi oak?

MANAGER: 'think it's pine.

KRAMER: Pine is good.

MANAGER: Yeah. pine's okay.

(Jim the teller walks over)

JIM: You want to see me

MANAGER: Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came in the other day , you didn't say hello?

JIM: No, No that's not true, I said Hey! you know like a friendly greeting, Hey!

KRAMER: But that's not Hello.

MANAGER: That's a tough one.

KRAMER: Uhummm...

MANAGER: You know what, let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara, Jane, Mike Can I see you please.

BARBARA: How you doin'?

JANE: What's happening?

MIKE: What's up?

MANAGER: (to kramer) Can you excuse us for one minute. Just one minute.

(Kramer gets up a little confused and walks away.)

MANAGER: Thanks. (they huddle)

SOME GUY: How's it going?

MANAGER: Thanks, thanks everybody. (they leave) Sir, have a seat.

MANAGER: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling. You got a greeting starts with an H how's twenty bucks sound.

KRAMER: I'll take it.

MANAGER: awright sir (they shake hands)

[Scene cuts to the Improv as Jerry walks into the club and sees Jeannie sitting at a table]

JERRY: Will you marry me?

[Susan licks her last envelope and collapses. George is walking down a street looking depressed.]

[We go back to the Improv.]

JERRY: I would like to propose a toast....Wait a second.. George! George Costanza come in here.

JEANNIE: Georgie boy..

JERRY: George, big news; I'm getting married!!

GEORGE: Married , What!(astounded)

JERRY: September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors.

JEANNIE: ... all that crap.

JERRY: You see , I kept up my end of the pact.

GEORGE: Good for you (sympathetic)

JERRY: Hey look , Champagne..

GEORGE: Hehehe. .(feebly)

JERRY: To our future wives....yeah...

[George returns home only to find..... Scene then cuts to Monks with Jerry and Jeannie arriving.]

JERRY: Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee.

JEANNIE: Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?

JERRY: (weakly) I dunno

(A guy suddenly gets up to leave then falls on the ground.)

JEANNIE: That's a shame..

JERRY: (to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee.

JEANNIE: Bowl of Corn flakes.

JERRY: More cereal? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch.

JEANNIE: Hey! So what's the deal with brunch, I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. How comes there's no lupper or no linner.

[Back to Jerry's, Kramer comes in..]

KRAMER: Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.

JERRY: Thanks , thanks

KRAMER: Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry

JERRY: Yeah , yeah .

KRAMER: C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?

JERRY: I think I may have made a big mistake.

KRAMER: Oh! Come on.

JERRY: All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!

KRAMER: (mocking) Too bad you got engaged.

JERRY: Yeah! Too bad.

(Phone rings, Jerry picks it up.)

JERRY: Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there.

KRAMER: What happened?

JERRY: They just took Susan to the Hospital

[At the hospital.]

JERRY: So she was just lying there.

GEORGE: Tsss...Yeah..

ELAINE: I wonder what happened?

GEORGE: I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the doctor.

DOCTOR: Excuse me , Are you the husband?

GEORGE: Well , not yet.. Fiancé.

DOCTOR: Well , I'm sorry.....She's gone.

GEORGE: .........What's that?...

DOCTOR: She expired.

GEORGE: ...Are you sure?

DOCTOR: Yes , of course.

GEORGE: So.....She's dead?

DOCTOR: Yes

GEORGE: ...Huh!

DOCTOR: Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?

GEORGE: ...Why?

DOCTOR: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes.

GEORGE: Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.

DOCTOR: That's probably what did it.

GEORGE: We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you.

(Doctor leaves, George returns to the others)

GEORGE: She's ahem....gone

JERRY: Dead?

ELAINE: I'm so sorry George

JERRY: Yeah! me too

KRAMER: Poor Lily..

JERRY: How did it happen?

GEORGE: Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a....toxic.

ALL: Aah!..

KRAMER: Well that's weird

JERRY: So I guess , you're not getting married?

GEORGE: (embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes.

JERRY: But....

GEORGE: Yeah?

JERRY: Well , now I'm engaged..

GEORGE: Yeah?...

JERRY: Well I thought we'd both be getting married.

GEORGE: Hey!.. What can I tell ya.

ELAINE: All right. (they start to leave except Jerry)

GEORGE: well humm.. lets get some coffee.

JERRY: WE HAD A PACT!!!

[George at home on the phone]

GEORGE: Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..

The End

Season 8

S8E1 - The Foundation

Broadcast date: September 19, 1996

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Janeane Garofalo ................... Jeannie Steinman

Bruce Davison ....................... Wyck

Grace Zabriskie ..................... Mrs. Ross

Warren Frost ........................ Mr. (Henry) Ross

Joe Urla ................................. Dugan

Susan Walters ........................ Dolores "Mulva"

Todd Bosley .......................... Joey

Diana Castle .......................... Mrs. Zanfino

Stuart Quan ........................... Sensei

Herb Mitchell ........................ Businessman #1

Robert Louis Kempf .............. Businessman #2

Lawrence A. Mandley ........... Larry

Lauren Bowles ...................... Waitress #1

Peggy Lane ........................... Waitress #2

Paige Tamada ........................ Clara

Robert Padnick ...................... Willie

Ruth Cohen ........................... Ruthie

rc: John O'Hurley .................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[The cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front of Susan's tombstone, which reads "Susan Biddle Ross, June 8, 1964 - May 19, 1996."]

GEORGE: Well... it's a magnificent stone.

MR. ROSS: They put it up this morning.

(pause.)

GEORGE: It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry?

(Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his shoulders at George.)

MRS. ROSS: George... we'll leave you alone with her.

GEORGE: What?

MRS. ROSS: I'm sure there are things you'd like to say.

(She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry and George alone with Susan.)

GEORGE: No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.

(Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.)

GEORGE: Jerry...

(He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then turns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to begin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage of some sort.)

JERRY: Thank you, no.

(She continues drinking.)

GEORGE: (to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Boy, that was awkward!

JERRY: I don't mind the cemetery.

GEORGE: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?

JERRY: Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.

GEORGE: What is that?

JERRY: Star Trek II.

GEORGE: (identifying it) Wrath of Khan!

JERRY: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.

GEORGE: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died...

JERRY: Yeah...

(For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.)

GEORGE: Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it.

JERRY: So it's over?

GEORGE: I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again.

JERRY: All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie?

GEORGE: Yes! Nothing says George like a movie!

(Kramer enters as George is leaving.)

KRAMER: Movie?

JERRY: Yeah, you in?

KRAMER: No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class.

GEORGE: George is going to the movies! (exits)

JERRY: (to Kramer) So how's your karate class going?

KRAMER: (pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.

JERRY: ...But with punching and kicking.

KRAMER: Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands).

JERRY: Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine.

KRAMER: What, she's been away?

JERRY: She's been in Mexico for six weeks.

KRAMER: No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day.

JERRY: That was July 4th!

(Kramer pauses to think.)

JERRY: Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands).

[The coffee shop]

ELAINE: It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.

JERRY: Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog?

ELAINE: Oh, tons!

JERRY: Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?

ELAINE: (laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

ELAINE: So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee?

JERRY: My what?

ELAINE: Jeannie... your fiancee.

JERRY: Oh, yeah, that. Well...

ELAINE: All right. Spill it, Jerome.

JERRY: There's really not that much to tell.

(flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins as Jerry narrates.)

"About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a sudden we both just blurted out..."

JERRY & JEANNIE: (simultaneously) I hate you!

(They both chuckle over the coincidence.)

JEANNIE:: See ya.

JERRY: See ya.

(Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.)

"It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history."

(flashback ends.)

JERRY: (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.

ELAINE: You've never felt remorse.

JERRY: I know, I feel bad about that...

ELAINE: I bet your parents were upset, huh?

JERRY: Eh.

ELAINE: You haven't told them yet, have you?

JERRY: No.

[J. Peterman's office.]

DUGAN: "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..."

J. PETERMAN: Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is.

Dugan: It's a, uh, washcloth.

J. PETERMAN: No washcloths!

ELAINE: Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero.

J. PETERMAN: (rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.

ELAINE: Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?

J. PETERMAN: Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.

ELAINE: Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero.

(Peterman walks out, groaning.)

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman?

[The street]

GEORGE: (inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time.

JERRY: Pride?

GEORGE: No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.

JERRY: Well, you're your own boss now.

GEORGE: I wanna go to a tractor pull.

JERRY: Go ahead.

GEORGE: I am staying out all night!

JERRY: Who's stopping you?

GEORGE: I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.

JERRY: Whatever.

(Jerry sees someone he knows.)

JERRY: Oh God.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: It's Dolores.

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: Mulva.

(Dolores notices Jerry.)

DOLORES: Jerry, hi.

JERRY: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?

GEORGE: Dolores!

DOLORES: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.

JERRY: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.

DOLORES: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.

JERRY: See ya.

GEORGE: Bye, Dolores.

(Dolores walks away.)

GEORGE: I thought Mulva hated you.

JERRY: Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way.

GEORGE: All the way?

JERRY: Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me.

GEORGE: Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year.

JERRY: You stink worse than I do!

GEORGE: I'm feeling something else here, Jerry!

[J. Peterman's office.]

SECRETARY: Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone.

ELAINE: (answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?

J. PETERMAN: Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer.

ELAINE: What? Well, who's gonna do it?

J. PETERMAN: What about you?

ELAINE: Me? Why me?

J. PETERMAN: Why, indeed.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.

J. PETERMAN: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.

ELAINE: Burma?

J. PETERMAN: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)

(The phone is not hung up.)

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman?

[Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Where?

ELAINE: Burma.

JERRY: Isn't it Myanmar now?

ELAINE: Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge!

JERRY: No, certainly not.

ELAINE: I mean, I can't give people orders!

JERRY: No one's gonna listen to you.

ELAINE: I am not qualified to run the catalog!

JERRY: You're not qualified to work at the catalog.

(Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?

ELAINE: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog.

KRAMER: Where?

JERRY: Myanmar.

KRAMER: The discount pharmacy?

ELAINE: Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog.

KRAMER: Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate...

ELAINE: Karate?

KRAMER: Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.

ELAINE: Katra?

KRAMER: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!"

JERRY: Sammy Davis had it.

KRAMER: So I listened to my katra and now <vreep> I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.

ELAINE: Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company.

KRAMER: Sure you have.

ELAINE: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.

KRAMER: You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here.

ELAINE: (excitedly) Okay.

(Kramer slams the door behind her.)

KRAMER: That kid is gonna be all right.

JERRY: No, she's not.

(There's a knock at Jerry's door.)

JOEY: Come on, Kramer!

KRAMER: Hey there.

JOEY: Come on. Mom's down in the car.

KRAMER: Okay, Joey.

(Joey exits.)

JERRY: You guys both have class at the same time?

KRAMER: No, we're in the same class.

JERRY: What do you mean you're in the same class?

KRAMER: He almost beat me.

JERRY: Kramer, you're fighting children?!

KRAMER: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.

JERRY: He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!

(Car horn honks.)

KRAMER: I got carpool. (exits)

[Kramer's carpool.]

KRAMER: Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.

JOEY: Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom?

MRS. ZANFINO: Mmm, I don't know...

(The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.)

MRS. ZANFINO: All right.

KIDS & KRAMER: Yay!

[J. Peterman's office. Elaine has called in all her new employees.]

DUGAN: You're taking the job?

ELAINE: You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move!

(As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power she now holds.)

[Kramer's karate class.]

SANSEI: Are you prepared for kumite?

KRAMER & JOEY: Yes, Sansei.

SANSEI: Fight stance.

(Kramer & Joey assume fight stance.)

SANSEI: Hydjama! Begin!

(Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating Joey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer challenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips him over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head; has another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags another along the floor; and chases several at once.)

SANSEI: (raising Kramer's arm) Winner!

(The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.)

[George's apartment, in a very cluttered state. George is walking around in nothing but boxers, humming to himself while carrying a soda and a block of cheese. There's a knock at his door.]

GEORGE: It's open!

(As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.)

GEORGE: (surprised) Rosses.

MRS. ROSS: Hello, George.

GEORGE: Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs)

MR. ROSS: We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy.

GEORGE: Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on)

MRS. ROSS: We know the last three months have been hard on you.

GEORGE: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.

MR. ROSS: And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children.

GEORGE: Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do.

MR. ROSS: That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory.

GEORGE: Oh, that's wonderful.

MR. ROSS: And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.

GEORGE: Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral?

MR. ROSS: You'll be on the board of directors.

GEORGE: (feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees...

MRS. ROSS: Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time.

GEORGE: I can't believe this is happening.

MR. ROSS: Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear?

MRS. ROSS: Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows?

MR. ROSS: Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end.

MRS. ROSS: So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us?

GEORGE: (feigning happiness) The second I see him.

[The coffee shop. Jerry is having lunch when George walks in.]

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey. How's your day, good?

JERRY: Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.

GEORGE: So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?

JERRY: Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?

GEORGE: What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?

JERRY: No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."

GEORGE: That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life.

JERRY: (stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem?

GEORGE: The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.

JERRY: Hey, board of directors. Look at you!

GEORGE: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!

JERRY: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

GEORGE: Don't you see? I'm back in.

JERRY: All because of Wrath of Khan?

GEORGE: Yes!

JERRY: Well, it was the best of those movies.

(The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly as George screams.)

GEORGE: KHAN!

[The foundation. George is staring intently at a painting of Susan as Wyck walks in.]

WYCK: George.

(George doesn't respond.)

WYCK: George. (taps him on the shoulder)

GEORGE: (startled) Oh!

WYCK: I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation.

GEORGE: Wink.

WYCK: (correcting him) Wyck.

GEORGE: Wyck.

WYCK: Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies.

GEORGE: Oh. I know they have some monies.

WYCK: They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding.

GEORGE: So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we--

WYCK: Yes.

GEORGE: And now?

WYCK: Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse.

GEORGE: This townhouse?

WYCK: This would have been your wedding gift.

GEORGE: And now?

WYCK: Not.

GEORGE: Not.

WYCK: Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy.

GEORGE: You know, it really can't.

[The coffee shop.]

DOLORES: So who broke it off?

JERRY: Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual.

DOLORES: Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth.

JERRY: I am. It was the world's first.

DOLORES: You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought maybe you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits)

JERRY: Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!

[Jerry's apartment. The phone is ringing as he's getting in.]

JERRY: (answering) Hello?

SECRETARY: Please hold for Elaine Benes.

JERRY: Oh, I don't believe this.

ELAINE: (picking up) Jerry!

JERRY: Hey!

ELAINE: Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog.

JERRY: How's it look?

ELAINE: (muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach.

JERRY: Huh?

ELAINE: I say, it's a peach.

JERRY: Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me?

ELAINE: No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.

JERRY: I gotta do some research here.

ELAINE: Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. You did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. You are the doofus.

JERRY: Oh, I'm the doofus?

ELAINE: Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.

JERRY: You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now.

ELAINE: Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.

JERRY: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[Kramer's karate class. Kramer is beating his opponent, a little girl. Elaine walks in, surprised.]

ELAINE: Kramer!

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

ELAINE: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.

ELAINE: You never said you were fighting children.

KRAMER: Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.

ELAINE: This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?

KRAMER: No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock.

ELAINE: Search... for Spock?!

KRAMER: Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...

ELAINE: (pushes him) You doofus!

(As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his peers.)

[The coffee shop. Jerry is conducting some research.]

JERRY: Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time.

WAITRESS #1: More.

WAITRESS #2: Less.

RUTHIE: Same.

WILLIE: Are we about through here?

(Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.)

[A dark, foggy street. Kramer is walking with Joey.]

KRAMER: I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley.

JOEY: She had a little change of plans.

(Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush Kramer.)

KRAMER: What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh?

GIRL: Now we finish it.

(Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids drag him down.)

KRAMER: Aah! Aah! Mama!

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo.

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY: Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)

(The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.)

JERRY: So... did you stop by the dojo?

ELAINE: Yep.

JERRY: How's your confidence level?

ELAINE: Shot.

JERRY: Self-esteem?

ELAINE: Gone.

JERRY: Doofus?

ELAINE: (raises her hand) Yo.

JERRY: All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be?

(Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.)

JERRY: What is that?

ELAINE: It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover.

JERRY: Well, nobody sees the... cover.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: God!

JERRY: What happened to you?

KRAMER: Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that?

JERRY: It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.

KRAMER: Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!

ELAINE: (pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company!

KRAMER: Well, then I was way off!

ELAINE: Well, I'll see ya... (exits)

JERRY: Vaya con dios.

KRAMER: (with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later?

JERRY: No, he's still stuck at the foundation.

KRAMER: You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower.

JERRY: Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research)

[The foundation]

WYCK: Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price.

GEORGE: Would I have had access to that?

WYCK: Of course, it would have been yours.

GEORGE: And now?

(Wyck turns to face him.)

GEORGE: (anticipating the answer) Not.

(phone rings. George eagerly answers it.)

GEORGE: Hello?

JERRY: Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one.

GEORGE: My story?

JERRY: Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there?

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here?

WYCK: (chuckling) Oh, no, not even close.

GEORGE: (remorsefully) I can't go.

JERRY: What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!

(George hangs up.)

WYCK: Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value: $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll?

(George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.)

The End

S8E2 - The Soul Mate

Broadcast date: September 26, 1996

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bruce Davison ...................... Wyck

Tim DeKay ............................ Kevin

Lisa Mende ........................... Carol

Kim Myers ............................ Pam

Rende Rae Norman .............. Ms. Baines

Tommy Hicks ....................... Mr. Cross

Jill Talley ............................... Gail

Jill Holden ............................ Lisa

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

==================================================================

[George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.]

GEORGE: You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!

WYCK: Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George?

GEORGE: I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)

WYCK: Pardon?

GEORGE: (mutters it again)

WYCK: Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.

(George looks at Wyck suspiciously.)

[George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.]

JERRY: He cleared his throat?

GEORGE: Yes!

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident."

JERRY: Not getting it.

GEORGE: Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!

JERRY: Oh, help me, Rhonda.

GEORGE: What time is it?

JERRY (looks at his watch): 1:15.

GEORGE: Right now?

JERRY: I gotta go meet Pam.

GEORGE: Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?

JERRY: Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.

GEORGE: Where's Elaine?

JERRY: She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?

GEORGE: What's with all these people having babies?

JERRY: Perpetuation of the species.

GEORGE: Yeah! Right!

JERRY: By the way, just for the record -

GEORGE: No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.)

[Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.]

CAROL: ...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good!

ELAINE: Well, that's...that's sweet.

GAIL: Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.

CAROL: Elaine, you gotta have a baby!

ELAINE: Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...

LISA: Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already.

ELAINE: I really like the city.

CAROL: The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam?

ELAINE: Uh, it was in the Hamptons.

CAROL: Oh! I have pictures!

ELAINE: No, no, that's okay, it's uh...

CAROL (shows Elaine and the girls pictures of Adam): Look at him! Just look at him!

(Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.)

[Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving Monk's.]

JERRY: So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day...

GEORGE: Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?

JERRY: You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?

GEORGE: Jerry Lewis?

JERRY: I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.

GEORGE: That's pretty paranoid.

JERRY: Yes, it is.

GEORGE: I like it!

JERRY: I thought you might.

[Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.]

PAM: Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore.

KRAMER (mouths the words): Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.)

PAM: Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)

JERRY: Hi, sorry I'm late.

PAM: That's okay. Kramer let me in.

JERRY: You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.

PAM: Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you.

(Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him, and makes a delighted noise.)

[Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.]

KRAMER: I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.

NEWMAN: Go on.

KRAMER: Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.

NEWMAN: Ah, yes. Forbidden love.

KRAMER: She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.

NEWMAN: "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.

KRAMER: I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.)

NEWMAN: Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.)

KRAMER: She has delicate beauty.

NEWMAN: Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.

KRAMER: And yet, he's my friend.

NEWMAN: And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.

KRAMER: Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.

NEWMAN: One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.

KRAMER: I thought we were talking about me.

NEWMAN: Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.

KRAMER: Confront Jerry? I can't.

NEWMAN: You must!

KRAMER: I won't!

NEWMAN: You will!

[Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand.]

ELAINE (to Jerry, imitating Carol): "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.

GEORGE: Where are all the poetry magazines?

ELAINE: The New Yorker has poetry.

GEORGE: Yes. The New Yorker.

JERRY: Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?

ELAINE: They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.

JERRY: C'mon, you want to have a baby.

ELAINE: Why? Because I can?

JERRY: It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?

ELAINE: Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!

KEVIN: I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.

ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry.

KEVIN: No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies.

ELAINE: Yeah, like you must procreate.

KEVIN: Besides, anyone can do it.

ELAINE: Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)

[George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.]

GEORGE: I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.

WYCK: Are you okay, George?

GEORGE: No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.)

(George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.)

Cut back to the Foundation meeting.

WYCK: ...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.)

GEORGE (apologetic): Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)

[Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?

KEVIN: Not at all.

ELAINE: 'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh...

KRAMER (wipes chocolate off his face): Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.

ELAINE: Oh. Are you alright?

KRAMER: Yeah, I'll be okay.

ELAINE: You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

KRAMER: Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

ELAINE: Oh, no...that won't last.

KRAMER: What do you mean?

ELAINE: He's not ga-ga.

(Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.)

[George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night with the briefcase.]

GEORGE: Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.

JERRY: How long did you leave it up there?

GEORGE: Five minutes. What the hell happened here?

JERRY: Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.

GEORGE: I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.

(George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.)

JERRY: Is that it?

GEORGE: Stopped dead.

JERRY: What do you make of it?

GEORGE: I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Jerry. Uh, can we talk?

GEORGE (to Kramer): Kinda busy here.

KRAMER: I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.

GEORGE: Why can't I stay?

KRAMER: Because it doesn't concern you.

GEORGE: Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)

JERRY: So, what's on your mind?

KRAMER: It's Pam.

JERRY: Pam? What about Pam?

KRAMER: I love her, Jerry!

JERRY: You what?

KRAMER: I love her!

JERRY: Is that right?

KRAMER: Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.

JERRY: What does that mean?

KRAMER: Oh, and that voice!

JERRY: What about her name?

KRAMER: Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!

JERRY: She's got really nice hair.

KRAMER: Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.

JERRY: You've got really specific tastes.

KRAMER: Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.

JERRY: She's got nice calves.

KRAMER: Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...

JERRY: Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.

KRAMER: No you can't, Jerry.

JERRY: But I might.

KRAMER: Oh, no you don't.

JERRY: Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?

KRAMER: What...?

JERRY: I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!

KRAMER (frantic): Huh?

JERRY: Pam!

KRAMER: Huh?

JERRY: Pam!

KRAMER: Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.)

[Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.]

KRAMER: So now he wants her more than ever!

NEWMAN: Blast!

KRAMER: What am I gonna do, huh?

NEWMAN: Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.

KRAMER: What, again with you?

NEWMAN: Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.

KRAMER: If only I could say things like that around her.

NEWMAN (getting an idea): Yes...

[Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to the briefcase tape.]

ELAINE: Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'...

GEORGE: Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!

ELAINE: ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'

GEORGE: It's baffling, isn't it?

ELAINE: Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase?

GEORGE: They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)

JERRY: That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!

ELAINE: Ga-ga? When did that happen?

JERRY: Yesterday. Six-ish.

ELAINE: Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.

JERRY: You just met the guy yesterday.

ELAINE: Yeah, but we have a common goal.

JERRY: A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?

ELAINE (happily): Yeah.

GEORGE: And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.

ELAINE: Yeah, of course.

JERRY: Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.

ELAINE: Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.

GEORGE: Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French."

JERRY: I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.

GEORGE: I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.

[Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where Pam works.]

NEWMAN: With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.)

PAM: Oh, hi! Kramer.

NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?

KRAMER: Hi. How are you?

PAM: I'm great.

NEWMAN: I too am well.

KRAMER: I too am well.

NEWMAN: Do I smell Pantene?

KRAMER: Do I smell?

NEWMAN: Pantene!

KRAMER: Uh, Pantene.

PAM: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.

KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...

NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...

KRAMER: Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)

PAM: What?

KRAMER: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.

PAM: That's so true.

KRAMER: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...

NEWMAN: Shell.

KRAMER: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.

PAM: Kramer, that is so lovely.

KRAMER: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.

PAM: Oh, what's his name?

KRAMER: Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)

[Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.]

KEVIN: Elaine, you've changed my life.

ELAINE: Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.

KEVIN: I got a vasectomy this morning.

ELAINE: Although, I have a hunch you mean it.

[Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore. ]

JERRY: I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.

PAM: Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)

JERRY's brain: A velvet scrunchie!

JERRY: Kramer!

[Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman coming out of Kramer's place.]

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?

JERRY: Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)

NEWMAN: Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)

JERRY: Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.)

JERRY: Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.)

NEWMAN (sweating): Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.

JERRY: Why not?

NEWMAN: Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.)

JERRY (rolls his eyes): C'mon. (They exit.)

[Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.]

JERRY: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!

NEWMAN: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.

JERRY: I thought we were talking about me.

NEWMAN: Right.

JERRY: Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)

NEWMAN: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?

JERRY: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?

NEWMAN: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...

JERRY: C'mon, out with it.

NEWMAN: It's about...Elaine.

JERRY: Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...

NEWMAN: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!

JERRY (shrugs): Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.)

[Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.]

KEVIN: I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.

ELAINE: I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.

KEVIN: What was that?

ELAINE: Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.

KEVIN: This is! Oh boy, I always do this.

ELAINE: What?

KEVIN: Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it.

ELAINE: Really?

KEVIN: Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.

ELAINE: You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...

KEVIN: Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids!

ELAINE: Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.

KEVIN: Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short.

ELAINE: Yeah!

KEVIN: Yeah!

[Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought over a model of the conference room at the Foundation.]

GEORGE: This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.

JERRY: When did you build this thing?

GEORGE: Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room...

JERRY (points at the Power Ranger): Wait, that's you?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY (picks up a yellow M&M toy from the model): I really think the M&M should be you.

GEORGE (grabs the M&M away from Jerry): Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.

JERRY: And?

GEORGE: Okay. That's what we know.

JERRY: But we already knew that.

GEORGE: Well, yeah.

JERRY: Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.

GEORGE: I don't know if you're ready for it.

JERRY: Please.

GEORGE: I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -

JERRY: Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?

VOICE ON SPEAKER: It's Pam.

JERRY: C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'

GEORGE: I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.)

PAM: What was that?

JERRY: We were just playin.'

PAM: Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...

JERRY: Uh huh...

PAM: Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.)

KRAMER: I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!

JERRY (to Pam): This is the man you have a crush on?

PAM: Well, I have feelings for both of you.

KRAMER: How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.

JERRY: Why can't I be a soul mate?

KRAMER: Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children?

PAM: Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children.

(Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.)

[George back at the conference room at the Foundation.]

GEORGE: There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder.

WYCK: George...

GEORGE: You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.

WYCK: George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?

GEORGE: Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.

[Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her hair short.]

ELAINE: What are you guys doing here?

JERRY: We're getting vasectomies.

ELAINE: Why?

NEWMAN (to Elaine): I'm doing it for you.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY (to Elaine): What'd you do to your hair?

ELAINE: I cut it.

JERRY: It's a little short.

KEVIN: Y'think?

JERRY (to Kevin): What are you doing here?

ELAINE: Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.

JERRY and NEWMAN: Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.)

[George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.]

GEORGE: ...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.

WYCK: Is that a Keats poem?

GEORGE: No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)

WYCK: Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?

MR. CROSS: Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.

MS. BAINES: Of course he killed her.

WYCK: So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.

The End

S8E3 - The Bizarro Jerry

Broadcast date: October 3, 1996

Written by David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tim DeKay .............................. Kevin

Kristin Bauer ........................... Gillian

Pat Kilbane ............................. Bizarro Kramer (Feldman)

Kyle T. Hefner ....................... Bizarro George (Gene)

Justina Vail ............................. Amanda

J. Patrick McCormack ............. Leland

Harry Murphy ....................... Office Manager

Dana Patrick .......................... Model #1

Shireen Crutchfield ................ Model #2

Robin Nance .......................... Model #3

Mark S. Larson ...................... Bizarro Newman (Vargas)

James Lesure ......................... Office Worker

Jason Beck ............................. Bouncer

==================================================================

[JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a zoo.]

JERRY: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.

GEORGE: Fine.

JERRY: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?

GEORGE: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

JERRY: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!

GEORGE: I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..

JERRY: (resigned) At least it's show business..

GEORGE: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.

JERRY: What if she's got no interest in you?

GEORGE: W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.

[Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building; Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]

KRAMER: George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

GEORGE: Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!

KRAMER: (frustrated) Wha??

JERRY: (dry) He knows.

GEORGE: (Anyway,) on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha!

KRAMER: (impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.

GEORGE: You sure?

JERRY: (dry) He knows.

(KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them. She could be a model.)

GEORGE: Wow. Nice.

JERRY: Why don't you try your engagement story?

GEORGE: (considers, but got into elevator) Won't work.

JERRY: Are you sure?

GEORGE: (wry) He knows.

[Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored, dreading.]

ELAINE: Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her sandwich)

KEVIN: Friends?

ELAINE: Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.

KEVIN: Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry!

[Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".]

(Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.)

MAN: (frustrated) Damn thing is jammed again..

KRAMER: You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it)

MAN #2 (rushing by, tense) Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now.

MAN: Come on, let's go.

KRAMER: (absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)

[Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.]

ELAINE: (to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call.

JERRY: (doubtful) I don't know, do you have a--

(ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.)

JERRY: Not bad. Wuh--what does she--

ELAINE: (dry) I put her stats on the back.

JERRY: Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" (ELAINE had echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it)

GEORGE: Hnn! Let me see that.

JERRY: (hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

ELAINE: (laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends.

JERRY: Why would anybody want a friend.

ELAINE: (dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.

JERRY: I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid..

GEORGE: (still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiancée..

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come and go as I please!

ELAINE: (wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY)

GEORGE: (getting up) Can I keep this?

ELAINE: No, I need it.

GEORGE: (absently leaving with it) Thanks.

[The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).]

GEORGE: Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..

AMANDA: I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..

GEORGE: (taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh! Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view)

AMANDA: Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?

GEORGE: (humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiancée, Susan. May she rest in peace.

AMANDA: Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.

GEORGE: (shaking hands) I'm George.

(As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.)

MAN #3: Good work today, K-man!

KRAMER Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

MAN #3: Heh, heh!

KRAMER: You want a drink? I'm buyin'.

MAN #3: In that case, make mine a double!

(They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.)

[Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.]

GILLIAN: Jerry?

JERRY: Gillian. Hiii..

GILLIAN: Very nice to meet you.

JERRY: It's nice to meet you!

(They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice enough, but big, beefy.)

[Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.]

JERRY: She had man-hands.

ELAINE: (pause) Man, Hands?

JERRY: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

ELAINE: (weary) (Look,) would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?

JERRY: Would she have hooks?

ELAINE: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?

JERRY: Kinda cool lookin'..

ELAINE: (getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my (place tomorrow)--

JERRY: (leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.

ELAINE: Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of (buttons).

JERRY: Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--

ELAINE: (weary) Jerry!

[Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom, tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit and oven mitts.]

JERRY: Kramer?!

KRAMER: Hey buddy! Hey!

JERRY: It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!

KRAMER: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.

JERRY: Why??

KRAMER: Because I'm workin' there, that's why.

JERRY: (disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?

KRAMER: Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?

JERRY: (snaps fingers) Now that you mention it.

KRAMER: But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with.

JERRY: How much are they payin' you?

KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me.

JERRY: Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?

KRAMER: T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa--I gotta go.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: (leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase.

JERRY: W-w-wha' you got in there?

KRAMER: (as he leaves with it) Crackers.

(MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies assorted shots of working-man Kramer: Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). Washing his shoes at the water cooler. Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.)

[JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.]

JERRY: So the picture worked. Amazing!

GEORGE: Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that?

JERRY: I don't know, but you don't have it.

GEORGE: Right. Bye.

(ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know why so shrugs back.)

ELAINE: Where were you today?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Pick. Up.

JERRY: (whispers) Damn.

ELAINE: So? Where were you?!

JERRY: Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.

ELAINE: (irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!

JERRY: So? What are friends for?

ELAINE: Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.

JERRY: So he's Bizarro Jerry!

ELAINE: (pause) Bizarro Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives.

ELAINE: (pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"?

JERRY: No. It's still a goodbye.

ELAINE: Uh. Does he live underwater?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Is he black..

JERRY: Look. Just, forget it, (already). All right?

(KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.)

KRAMER: Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice)

JERRY: Tough day at the office?

KRAMER: Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.

JERRY: Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.

KRAMER: Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, I'm toast.. ((takes a swig and reacts))

[Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous women and GEORGE and AMANDA.]

GEORGE: This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!

(Three female MODELS come up to them.)

MODEL #1: Hey! Amanda!

AMANDA: These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together.

GEORGE: Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

AMANDA: So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?

MODEL #2: (petulant) A bore.

GEORGE: You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiancée, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..

(shows them the picture)

MODEL #3: (awed) Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?

[Exterior of a restaurant.]

(Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.)

(GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his horror of her hands.)

GILLIAN: Would you like some bread, Jerry?

JERRY: No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.

GILLIAN: Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands)

JERRY: (to self) Oh. Twist off..

GILLIAN: You have a little something on your face.

JERRY: I can get it. (feeling his face)

GILLIAN: Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. (reaches over)

(A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small thing. He's uneasy.)

GILLIAN: (friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

(Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.)

JERRY: I don't want to.

GILLIAN: Make a wish.

JERRY: Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true.

GILLIAN: (smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster?

(Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.)

[Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.]

KEVIN: That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.

ELAINE: I know, he's so tiny!

(Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning ELAINE to come along.)

KEVIN: Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call "Feldman!"

(GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.)

ELAINE: (to self in head) Bizarro world..

[Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.]

GEORGE: (delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!

JERRY: Then it does exist.

GEORGE: Yes. The legends are true.

JERRY: So when are you goin' out with this girl again?

GEORGE: I'm not! I'm inside the walls!

JERRY: So you're gonna burn that bridge.

GEORGE: Flame on!

[Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE comes and sits with them.]

GENE: (about the check) I got it.

KEVIN: (grabs it) No. You got it last time.

GENE: (calmly takes it) Don't worry about it.

ELAINE: (to self in head) This is unbelievable..

FELDMAN: Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?

ELAINE: Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!

FELDMAN: Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.

KEVIN: (getting up) Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. (the three guys are leaving)

ELAINE: What are you gonna do down there?

KEVIN: Read!

ELAINE: (pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello?

[At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe eating cereal and orange juice.]

JERRY: So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.

KRAMER: Uh-huh.

JERRY: Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, (steer).

KRAMER: Yeah..

JERRY: Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.

KRAMER: That's nice..

JERRY: Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

KRAMER: Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

JERRY: I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

KRAMER: Oh here we go--

JERRY: An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER: What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY: (pause) It's your third day..

KRAMER: (grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves)

JERRY: Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late!

(ELAINE's arrived.)

ELAINE: What? What is goin' on with you two?

JERRY: Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..

ELAINE: All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (leaving)

JERRY: Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.

ELAINE: (stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's..

JERRY: The Bizarro coffeeshop?

ELAINE: Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..

JERRY: I read.

ELAINE: Books, Jerry.

JERRY: (pause) Oh. Big deal..

ELAINE: Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..

JERRY: (What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--

ELAINE: I'll see you later man. I gotta go.

JERRY: (frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down!

[GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup of Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the sink--the dryer's still running.]

GEORGE: Hello? Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. Bye-bye. (hangs up) (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No!

[At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.]

GILLIAN: Friends. Just friends.

JERRY: Yeah.

GILLIAN: Yeah. All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?

JERRY: I wish I could, but, we're friends..

GILLIAN: I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.

JERRY: Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah.

GEORGE: (frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city!

JERRY: (to drive him crazy) Who is this..

GEORGE: Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!

JERRY: (pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?

GEORGE: Yes! Yes, all right--anything!

(JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.)

JERRY: Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh!

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

KRAMER: Jerry. Hey Jerry?

JERRY: I'm right here. (note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

JERRY: Like you care.

KRAMER: The work piled up, I lost track of time--

JERRY: (calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two.

KRAMER: You cooked?

JERRY: (calm) I ordered in. It's still effort.

KRAMER: (in pain) Ow! Jeez!

JERRY: What's wrong?

KRAMER: (Ow!) It's my stomach.

JERRY: You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

KRAMER: (putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want.

JERRY: The coffeeshop?

KRAMER: You got it, buddy.

JERRY: (pleased) I'll call George!

[Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a shop by a liquor store.]

JERRY: Hey. Isn't that Elaine?

GEORGE: (quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine!

JERRY: Elaine!

KRAMER: Elaine!

ALL THREE: Elaine! Elaine!

(ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and FELDMAN.)

KEVIN: Hey! Elaine! Hi-i! Over here!

(Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like a bizarre mirroring.)

ELAINE: Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.

(The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet you..")

JERRY: (quietly crept out) This is really weird..

(KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.)

ELAINE: (diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.

KEVIN: Sure. (strolls away with his friends)

ELAINE: (pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want..

GEORGE: Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.

JERRY: I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!

(While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar money.)

KEVIN: (Here ya are.)

ELAINE: (pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. Take it easy.

(GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.)

GEORGE: Elaine? (she turns, sighing) Can I come?

ELAINE: I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..

(KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.)

[Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's a greying man.]

KRAMER: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?

LELAND: Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.

KRAMER: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..

LELAND: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all.. I don't know what this is supposed to be!

KRAMER: Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..

LELAND: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.

KRAMER: I don't even really work here!

LELAND: That's what makes this so difficult.

[Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.]

GEORGE: Hi. George.

MODEL #4: Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiancée, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her picture. (hands her a magazine page)

MODEL #4: What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?

GEORGE: Huh?

MODEL #4: That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..

GEORGE: Ha! Heh.

(Muscled BOUNCER comes up.)

BOUNCER: Let's go. Private party. (escorts him out)

[Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have more earth tones.]

KEVIN: Who is it?

ELAINE: (off-camera) It's Lainey!

KEVIN: (unlocks, opens door) Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)

ELAINE: Hi (?). Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!

KEVIN: Come on in!

ELAINE: Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair that's to the right)

(As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall. There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He has whole foods, not cereal boxes.)

ELAINE: What's up?

KEVIN: (friendly) Just reading..

(ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.)

KEVIN: Hey.. What're you doing?

ELAINE: Eatin' olives.

KEVIN: Have you ever heard of asking? (door bell rings) Who is it?

FELDMAN: (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.

KEVIN: (drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks and opens door) Hey.

FELDMAN: He-ey, Kevin!

KEVIN: Hi.

FELDMAN: Look who I ran into.

(VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.)

VARGUS: (testy) Hello, Kevin..

KEVIN: (testy) Hello, Vargus..

(They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.)

KEVIN: Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?

VARGUS: Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves)

KEVIN: Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus.. (to FELDMAN) So?

FELDMAN: I got 'em..

KEVIN: All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi!

ELAINE: Oh! (comes to him)

KEVIN: (enthused) Fourth row, center.

ELAINE: Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!)

(GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!)

GENE: (to ELAINE) What is the matter with you?

ELAINE: Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

GENE: Haven't you done enough already?

(Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the locks.)

ELAINE: (turning to them, awkward) It's locked..

(The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps into a side of beef in his distraction.)

JERRY: So this is it, huh?

GEORGE: But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..

JERRY: (dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Let's get out of here George.

(Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.)

[Day, exterior of an apartment building. The familiar Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady Bunch"-esque sound effects.; Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking]

GENE: At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.

KEVIN: Oh, so what did you do?

GENE: I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.

KEVIN: Nice. (doorbell rings) Who is it?

FELDMAN: (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.

KEVIN: (smiles, relieved) Hold on.

(GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.)

FELDMAN: Kevin! Brought some groceries.

KEVIN: Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!

FELDMAN: Hey, what are friends for?

KEVIN: You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.

(They have a long smarmy group hug.)

KEVIN: (eyes closed in hug) Oh. Me so happy. Me want to cry.

The End

S8E4 - The Little Kicks

Broadcast date: October 10, 1996

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Neil Giuntoli ........................... Brody

Rebecca McFarland ................ Anna

Joseph Urla ............................ Dugan

Tim O'Hare ............................ Vendor

rc: Jerry Stiller ........................ Frank Costanza

==================================================================

[Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to the street.]

KRAMER: I wouldn't walk over there.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich.

JERRY: What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time.

KRAMER: I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab.

JERRY: No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business.

KRAMER: Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79.

JERRY: You were livin' in the village then, right?

KRAMER: Don't really remember.

[Coffee shop, Jerry and Elaine]

ELAINE: (Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.

JERRY: That is disgusting.

ELAINE: You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.

JERRY: Well, then you're drivin' me wild.

ELAINE: I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'.

JERRY: (George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party?

ELAINE: I drive my people hard, and then I reward them.

JERRY: Like with dogs.

ELAINE: Exactly.

GEORGE: Party?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Food?

ELAINE: Uh huh.

GEORGE: Bar?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: George?

JERRY: He's gonna show up anyway.

ELAINE: George, I just don't want you interfering.

GEORGE: How could I possibly interfere?

JERRY: Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?

[At Elaine's party]

GEORGE: (Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?

ANNA: No thanks.

GEORGE: Hi ah, My name is George.

ANNA: Anna. I don't recall seeing you around the office. Do you work in the mail room?

GEORGE: No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.

ANNA: Oh. Excuse me. (She leaves)

GEORGE: So...

MAN: How 'bout leading us in a toast?

ELAINE: Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's dancin'? You want me, You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances)

GEORGE: Sweet Fancy Moses!

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters]

KRAMER: You get the tickets?

JERRY: Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow.

KRAMER: Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?

JERRY: Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these?

KRAMER: Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me.

[Kramer is eating ice cream right out of the container.]

JERRY: Yeah I guess I do owe you.

KRAMER: Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up?

JERRY: No, I'm okay.

KRAMER: There's no problem, really.

JERRY: I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party?

GEORGE: Food was good.

JERRY: Yeah, so I didn't miss anything?

GEORGE: Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

JERRY: Elaine danced?

GEORGE: It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.

JERRY: Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?

GEORGE: What, you mean you know about this?

JERRY: For some time... (video of Elaine dancing on the street with Jerry and the street musicians watching her awful dance) It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.

GEORGE: Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom.

JERRY: And by then you've lost interest.

GEORGE: Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO.

JERRY: What made him get that thing?

GEORGE: During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.

JERRY: Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Brody's in.

JERRY: I don't even have the extra ticket yet.

KRAMER: Well, you better get on the horn.

[Elaine's office, Elaine on the phone]

ELAINE: I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background)

JERRY: How could that be?

ELAINE: Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?

JERRY: No, George was there, he said he had a great time.

ELAINE: Ah, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.

JERRY: Oh, what are you talkin' about?

ELAINE: He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.

JERRY: Now you're talkin' crazy!

ELAINE: All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it?

JERRY: (Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'.

[Elaine's office, Anna enters]

ANNA: You have a minute to approve some copy?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, sure, sure. So ah, did ya have a good time at the party last night?

ANNA: It was a real... kick.

ELAINE: Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?

ANNA: As a matter of fact I did.

ELAINE: Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him.

ANNA: Why? He seems harmless.

ELAINE: Oh he's not. He's very harmful.

ANNA: Really?

ELAINE: Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.

ANNA: And you two are friends?

ELAINE: Yeah, we're good friends.

[Coffee shop]

GEORGE: So this Anna called me from out of the blue.

JERRY: Really? I thought you were rebuffed.

GEORGE: With extreme prejudice.

JERRY: Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you.

GEORGE: No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.

JERRY: Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.

GEORGE: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.

JERRY: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...

GEORGE: Yes ... yes, yes

JERRY: The bad fiancé&Mac226;, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...

GEORGE: Okay, the point is made.

JERRY: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper!

[At the movies...]

JERRY: Half of show business is here.

KRAMER: There's Brody. Brody! Over here.

BRODY: Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket.

JERRY: That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there.

BRODY: It's for all of us. Is there a problem?

KRAMER: Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.

JERRY: I'm a joke maker.

KRAMER: All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera)

JERRY: (To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing?

KRAMER: Relax, he does that all the time.

JERRY: Does what?

KRAMER: He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, hum?

JERRY: May I see you outside for a moment please?

KRAMER: But I want to--

JERRY: Outside!

[Elaine's office]

ELAINE: Hey, have you seen Anna?

WORKER: Uh, she just went to meet your friend George.

ELAINE: To meet George? I knew it. Where did they go?

WORKER: The park, why?

ELAINE: Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too!

[Outside the theater at the movies.]

JERRY: What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie?

KRAMER: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business.

JERRY: It's not legitimate.

KRAMER: It's a business.

JERRY: Where did you meet this guy?

KRAMER: He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pachinco--

JERRY: Kramer. (boom sound)

KRAMER: Man, we're missin' the Death Blow!

JERRY: I don't believe this. (They run into theater)

[Anna and George in the park.]

ANNA: You know I'm not supposed to be talking to you.

GEORGE: No one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you?

ANNA: No... a little. Nice car.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's a sweet ride.

ANNA: Is that your orthopedic back pillow?

GEORGE: Maybe.

ANNA: Well is it or isn't it?

GEORGE: Guess not.

(Elaine arrives.)

ELAINE: (To George) Stay away from her.

GEORGE: I didn't do nothin'.

ELAINE: (To Anna) Get in the car.

ANNA: But...

ELAINE: You heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff.

GEORGE: Lighten up.

(As they leave George points and winks at Anna.)

[Death Blow...]

KRAMER: Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay?

(Movie Voice: So Death Blow, we meet again ...)

BRODY: Uh, I got a cramp.

KRAMER: Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy.

BRODY: Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home.

JERRY: Hey, what is going on over there?

BRODY: Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me.

JERRY: Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing.

KRAMER: Jerry, if the man is in pain...

JERRY: Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right.

BRODY: (pulls out a gun) What are you some kind of tough guy?

KRAMER: Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera.

JERRY: All right, I'm, i,m takin' the camera.

KRAMER: (To Brody) C'mon, let's go.

JERRY: Oh man...

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?

JERRY: How was the rest of Death Blow?

KRAMER: Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy, he had it comin' to him!

JERRY: Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!

KRAMER: He's quite a character, isn't he?

JERRY: You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind!

(buzzer)

KRAMER: I got it. Yep.

BRODY: Brody.

KRAMER: Come on up. It's Brody.

JERRY: What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again.

KRAMER: Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.

JERRY: What if I didn't do it right?

KRAMER: It's your first time. He'll understand.

JERRY: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

(Brody enters)

KRAMER: Hey, Brody!

JERRY: Hi.

BRODY: Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape.

JERRY: Yeah.

BRODY: I've never seen such beautiful work.

JERRY: What?

BRODY: (con,t) You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the framing. I was enchanted.

JERRY: Well, I did the best I could.

BRODY: I got another project for you. It's a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility.

(Brody's beeper sounds)

BRODY: May I use your phone?

KRAMER: Uh yeah. It's under the couch.

(Brody exits to Kramer's apartment.)

KRAMER: Look at you! You've got another gig! Uhh.

JERRY: I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this.

KRAMER: But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.

JERRY: We're talkin' federal crime here.

(Brody enters.)

BRODY: (To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer) May I borrow this? (Holding baseball bat)

KRAMER: Sure, do you need a glove?

BRODY: Nah.

[A meeting at Elaine's office]

WORKER: I pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me: limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh)

ELAINE: What? What is so funny?

(Anna enters with Yankee jacket on.)

ANNA: Sorry, I got hung up.

ELAINE: At Yankee Stadium?

ANNA: This? It's mine.

ELAINE: Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear.

ANNA: He's not stocky.

(Elaine turns around. A paper airplane is thrown at her.)

ELAINE: Who did that? Who did that?!?

[Cry, Cry Again, Kramer is bootlegging.]

KRAMER: (laughing) The French guy fell off his bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn)

[Jerry's apartment watching the tape.]

JERRY: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this?

KRAMER: That's fine.

JERRY: Do you even know what this scene is about?

KRAMER: It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.

JERRY: No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.

(Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.)

KRAMER: Wha? Where?

JERRY: Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.

KRAMER: Nah, nah, he's not going to know the difference.

JERRY: I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.

KRAMER: So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot - we hear Kramer, on the tape say 'Ah man, I sat in gum')

JERRY: I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers?

KRAMER: Right here. (Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Well, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What?

KRAMER: (He shows her) This umpf thing.

ELAINE: It's dancing.

KRAMER: No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.

ELAINE: I dance fine.

KRAMER: You stink. (He exits)

ELAINE: He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right?

JERRY: I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away)

ELAINE: Jerry, do I stink?

JERRY: All right, you're beyond stink.

ELAINE: But I really enjoy dancing.

JERRY: And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George.

ELAINE: It's that bad?

JERRY: Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back.

(Elaine sees video camera)

[Elaine and Anna sitting in Elaine's office.]

VOICE: I have George Costanza still holding.

ELAINE: George, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you.

GEORGE: Yo, Anna.

ANNA: Hi, George. What're you up to?

GEORGE: (Ironing) You don't wanna know.

ELAINE: Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize.

GEORGE: What, wha, what're you talkin' about?

ELAINE: Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person.

GEORGE: Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!

ELAINE: I never should have given Anna the impression--

GEORGE: Pick it up, pick it up!

ELAINE: --that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed.

GEORGE: Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: You are ruinin' everything.

ELAINE: I'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a difficult seed.

ELAINE: George, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?

ANNA: Um, no, I don't think so.

ELAINE: No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya.

GEORGE: I'm a bad man!

[Jerry and Kramer exit the theater and see Brody.]

BRODY: So where's the tape?

JERRY: No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location.

BRODY: I need the tape.

JERRY: You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em.

BRODY: Are you out of your mind?

JERRY: Kramer...

KRAMER: I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.

BRODY: Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!

JERRY: All right. That's it, I can't work like this.

KRAMER: Jerry...

JERRY: I'm off the project. (He exits)

KRAMER: Jerry!

BRODY: I want the tape.

KRAMER: Yeah.

[Jerry and George at Monk's.]

GEORGE: Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that?

JERRY: They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.

GEORGE: Anna actually has respect for me now. (laughs/snorts) It's all over.

JERRY: Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane!

JERRY: Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous...

GEORGE: Did you say dangerous?

[Anna and George in George's car.]

GEORGE: I'm a bootlegger.

ANNA: You're a what?

GEORGE: I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!

ANNA: Isn't that illegal?

GEORGE: I can do hard time for this one. And community service!

ANNA: Is this your FiberCon?

GEORGE: (Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way!

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.]

KRAMER: Jerry, George got arrested.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah. He went down at the Beackman, he tried to lam, but they cheesed him.

JERRY: Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.

BRODY: Brody, I'm comin' up.

JERRY: What're we gonna do?

KRAMER: Well, I ah, gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot?

JERRY: I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!

KRAMER: Jerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters)

BRODY: Where's the tape?

JERRY: Uh, well. It, uh...

BRODY: Is that it?

KRAMER: Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again.

BRODY: How'd it turn out?

KRAMER + JERRY: Uh... great.

KRAMER: Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there.

JERRY: Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a disturbing image.

JERRY: Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancing, you cry again.

[Police station, Anna and George sitting down.]

ANNA: (George is crying) It's all right, George. You'll just pay a fine and that'll be it.

GEORGE: Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Anna...

ANNA: Oh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up. I can explain everything.

ELAINE: All right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza enters)

FRANK: Okay, where's my boy?

GEORGE: Oh my God.

FRANK: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head)

GEORGE: Ow! Dad...

FRANK: Who put you up to this, was it her?

ELAINE: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.

FRANK: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

ELAINE: You got that right.

FRANK: What the hell does that mean?

ELAINE: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

FRANK: You sayin' you want a piece of me?

ELAINE: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

FRANK: You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight)

[Jerry and Elaine walking down the street.]

JERRY: But he's an old man, Elaine.

ELAINE: Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.

JERRY: (Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.

ELAINE: Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.

JERRY: No you don't.

MAN: You shot Death Blow?

JERRY: Yeah.

MAN: That was brilliant.

JERRY: Thank you. (They continue walking)

ELAINE: You were big.

JERRY: I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal?

ELAINE: Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.

JERRY: I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go)

The End

S8E5 - The Package

Broadcast date: October 17, 1996

Written by Jennifer Crittenden

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander.................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards.................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Richard Roat........................ Dr. Berg

Fort Atkinson...................... Dr. Stern

David Purdham................... Dr. Resnick

Heather Campbell................ Sheila

Ramon Franco...................... Mailman

Bari K. Willerford................. Ron

Shuko Akune....................... Receptionist

F. William Parker.................. Country Doctor

Lynn A. Henderson............. Clerk

Bill Gratton........................... Postal Official

Susan Leslie.......................... Nurse

rc: Wayne Knight................. Newman

rc: Len Lesser...................... Uncle Leo

Notes: "The Mikado", a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, which ties in later with Leo's

made up (drawn) eyelashes.

==================================================================

[Kramer and Newman at the park, smoking cigars]

KRAMER: Well, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.

NEWMAN: I guess there's not much action down there these days.

KRAMER: Oh, there's action. There's plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.

NEWMAN: Yeah, tell me about it.

KRAMER: See, what they gotta do is loose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.

NEWMAN: What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't it disappear?

KRAMER: What would be the point in taking the water?

NEWMAN: It's gorgeous water. (pause) Do we own Bermuda?

KRAMER: No. It belongs to the British.

NEWMAN: Lucky krauts.

KRAMER: So, what do you think about that alien autopsy?

NEWMAN: Oh, that's real.

KRAMER: I think so too.

[Elaine at the doctor's]

ATTENDANT: The doctor will be with you in a moment.

(Elaine looking at her chart)

ELAINE: Difficult?

DOCTOR: Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.

ELAINE: Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper.

DOCTOR: Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash......

ELAINE: But it was in pen. You fake erase.

DOCTOR: All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.

ELAINE: What are you writing? Doctor.

[George at Photo Shop]

SHEILA: Here you go.

GEORGE: Thanks.

SHEILA: I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.

GEORGE: Ohhhhhh

[Jerry, Kramer, and George at the apartment]

JERRY: No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.

GEORGE: Smile

JERRY: What are you doing?

GEORGE: I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something

JERRY: Extra teeth. I love that look.

GEORGE: Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."

JERRY: What mustard stain?

GEORGE: Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures.

JERRY: Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain?

GEORGE: That's got nothing to do with it.

JERRY: I see. She's looking.

GEORGE: Yesssss.

KRAMER: Hey, you got to get this thing fixed.

JERRY: They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.

KRAMER: Would you like a refund?

JERRY: Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago.

KRAMER: Would you be interested?

JERRY: Well how are you going.....

KRAMER: Would you?

JERRY: I guess I would.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.

(Elaine walks in)

ELAINE: You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.

JERRY: Not the gown again.

ELAINE: No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?

JERRY: They have gotten to know you.

(Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo)

ELAINE: Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash.

GEORGE: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult.

ELAINE: Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.

JERRY: Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.

ELAINE: Listen to me you little shi........

GEORGE: Smile.

[Elaine at another doctor's office]

DOCTOR: Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown.

ELAINE: Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on.

(Nurse hands the doctor her chart)

DOCTOR: All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin.

ELAINE: Where did you get my chart?

DOCTOR: From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure.

ELAINE: You know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just.......

DOCTOR: Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.

ELAINE: Please, please. It's really, really itchy.

(Doctor writes more stuff in her chart)

[Jerry at apartment]

(Knock, knock)

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Seinfeld?

JERRY: Yeah.

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: I got a package for you. Sign here.

JERRY: Who's it from?

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: No return address.

JERRY: What if I don't want it?

POSTAL WORKER: Are you refusing delivery?

JERRY: Maybe I am.

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why would you do that?

JERRY: I've never done it before.

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why start now?

JERRY: Why not?

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: All right.

(George walks in)

GEORGE: Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.

JERRY: I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.

GEORGE: What do you think it's a bomb?

JERRY: It's not totally impossible.

GEORGE: Oh the ego on you.

JERRY: Why can't I be bombable?

GEORGE: Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.

JERRY: I suppose you think your bombable.

GEORGE: Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.

JERRY: There's more than a couple.

GEORGE: Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.

JERRY: You don't have a Mercedes.

GEORGE: I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.

JERRY: The driver seems a little put out.

GEORGE: No. He was fine with it. Check that out.

JERRY: Is that Burt Reynolds?

GEORGE: Wax Museum.

JERRY: Oh.

GEORGE: Oh. What is this?

JERRY: That's a lot of skin.

GEORGE: This must be Sheila from the photo place.

JERRY: You can barely see her face.

GEORGE: She must have slipped it in here.

(Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: I I I

GEORGE: Photo store Sheila.

KRAMER: Well hello Photo store Sheila.

GEORGE: All right. I will see you boys later.

JERRY: Where are you going?

GEORGE: To ask her out.

KRAMER: No, no. Your not playing the game.

GEORGE: What game?

KRAMER: She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. "

GEORGE: No good?

KRAMER: George. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.

GEORGE: Oh, I don't know.

KRAMER: Well as you know I've always been something of a photog.

JERRY: Oh yeah I like this idea.

[Outside Uncle Leo's apartment]

UNCLE LEO: Hey Danny. Hello. How are you?

POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package.

UNCLE LEO: Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it .

[George and Elaine in taxi]

ELAINE: And then he starts writing on my chart.

GEORGE: Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like.

ELAINE: You can't change your chart. It's your chart.

GEORGE: I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.

ELAINE: You are!?!

GEORGE: Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?

ELAINE: Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card.

GEORGE: Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?

ELAINE: Actually I thought he was very professional.

GEORGE: So it was a good experience.

ELAINE: Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID.

GEORGE: Nice.

ELAINE: Yeah it is nice actually.

[Elaine at another doctors]

ELAINE: I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading.

ATTENDANT: He can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy.

ELAINE: Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious

(Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator)

ELAINE: Come on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh....

DR. BURKE: The chart Miss Benes.

(The doctor writes more stuff in it)

ELAINE: Oh please no more.

[Jerry at his apartment]

(George walks in)

JERRY: Hey

GEORGE: Where's Kramer?

JERRY: He went to get some steak sauce. Why?

GEORGE: Personal matter.

(Phone rings)

JERRY: Hello

UNCLE LEO: Jerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!

JERRY: Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.

UNCLE LEO: I got your package.

JERRY: How did you get my package?

UNCLE LEO: What should I do with it?

JERRY: I don't know what you should do with it.

GEORGE: Tell him to open it.

JERRY: I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.

UNCLE LEO: Jerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of "The Mikado". I want you to go see it with me.

JERRY: Open the package Leo.

UNCLE LEO: Okay. Opening.

JERRY: Opening.

(Through the phone: BOOM!!!)

[Jerry's apartment later that day; Jerry and Elaine]

ELAINE: So it wasn't a bomb.

JERRY: No, No bomb.

ELAINE: Well then what?

JERRY: Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.

ELAINE: But he's okay?

JERRY: Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.

(Elaine on phone)

ELAINE: Yeah I am still holding.

(Jerry opens his package)

JERRY: Is this my stereo?

(Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: Hey you got it.

JERRY: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.

KRAMER: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.

JERRY: But you were supposed to get me a refund.

KRAMER: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.

JERRY: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?

KRAMER: It's just a write off for them.

JERRY: How is it a write off?

KRAMER: They just write it off.

JERRY: Write it off what?

KRAMER: Jerry all these big companies they write off everything

JERRY: You don't even know what a write off is.

KRAMER: Do you?

JERRY: No. I don't.

KRAMER: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

JERRY: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

(Elaine still on phone)

ELAINE: What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.

JERRY: Still no luck

(Kramer leaves with a fan)

ELAINE: Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.

JERRY: There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.

ELAINE: There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .

JERRY: Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .

ELAINE: Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.

JERRY: He's not that good.

Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment

GEORGE: Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff.

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.

GEORGE: You don't have your own camera.

KRAMER: Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.

GEORGE: I feel fat.

KRAMER: No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.

GEORGE: Well do you want me to take it off?

KRAMER: I don't know it's up to you.

GEORGE: Do you think it would be better if I did?

KRAMER: It might be. I mean whatever you want.

GEORGE: ALL RIGHT!!

KRAMER: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.

(Jerry leaving apartment)

KRAMER: You are a lover boy!!

JERRY: Oh yeah. This can't miss.

[Elaine sleeping in bed]

(Phone rings)

ELAINE: Hello.

GUY: Is this Elaine Marie Benes?

ELAINE: Yes. Who it this?

GUY: We are with the American Medical Association. Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name? Is it B-e-n-e-s.

ELAINE: Yeah. What is this all about

GUY: Good bye.

ELAINE: Hello, hello.

GUY: What?

ELAINE: Oh uh uh...

GUY: Get off the line. Were trying to make another call.

[Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office]

UNCLE LEO: Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?

ELAINE: Leo. Has the doctor been in yet?

UNCLE LEO: No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows.

ELAINE: Okay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay.

(Dr. Resnick walks in)

DR. RESNICK: Leo. I heard you had a little mishap.

UNCLE LEO: It was a fireball.

ELAINE: I should have never left him alone.

DR. RESNICK: And who are you?

ELAINE: I am his nurse... Poloma.

UNCLE LEO: You're not my nurse.

ELAINE: He has good days and bad.

DR. RESNICK: What seems to be the problem?

UNCLE LEO: Are my eyebrows going to grow back?

ELAINE: And he's has a bit of a rash.

DR. RESNICK: Really.

ELAINE: Yeah.

DR. RESNICK: Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.

ELAINE: I don't like this, it is to easy.

UNCLE LEO: Elaine...

ELAINE: Shut up! I think he's on to us.

UNCLE LEO: Elaine what about my eyebrows?

ELAINE: Shhhhhh. Here.

(Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him)

[Kramer and Jerry at Post Office]

JERRY: I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?

ATTENDANT: I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.

JERRY: Investigation?

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud.

KRAMER: Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy.

[Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office]

DR. RESNICK: I got your ointment. Where's your nurse?

UNCLE LEO: She left.

DR. RESNICK: No need to get angry. Calm down.

UNCLE LEO: I am calm.

DR. RESNICK: Leo I don't care for your demeanor.

UNCLE LEO: Demeanor?

DR. RESNICK: Now your just being difficult.

UNCLE LEO: What are you writing?

[George at photo store]

GEORGE: So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.

SHEILA: I am glad George.

GEORGE: And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy.

SHEILA: Great.

GEORGE: Shall we say an hour.

(George leaves)

SHEILA: Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll?

RON: No problem.

SHEILA: By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it?

RON: No.

[Jerry and Newman at the Post Office]

NEWMAN: All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

JERRY: Define rarely.

NEWMAN: Frequently.

JERRY: Are we about throw here Newman?

NEWMAN: It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .

JERRY: Actually I am quite comfortable.

NEWMAN: Can I have a sip?

JERRY: No.

NEWMAN: Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.

JERRY: You can't prove anything.

NEWMAN: Is this or is this not your signature?

JERRY: No in a matter of fact it isn't.

NEWMAN: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry.

[Kramer and Elaine at doctor's]

ELAINE: Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it.

KRAMER: Yeah let me borrow your scarf.

ELAINE: This.

KRAMER: Yeah. All right one chart coming up.

ELAINE: Okay.

KRAMER: Bennette right?

ELAINE: Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah.

[Newman walking down the street]

NEWMAN: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

[Kramer at doctor's]

KRAMER: I like what you've done with that.

ATTENDANT: May I help you?

KRAMER: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.

ATTENDANT: I see and what clinic is that again?

KRAMER: That's correct.

ATTENDANT: Excuse me.

KRAMER: From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium.

ATTENDANT: Really?

KRAMER: The Netherlands?

ELAINE: Where's my chart? Did you get it?

KRAMER: No.

ELAINE: What? What happened?

KRAMER: I don't know. But now they got a chart on me.

[George at photo store]

SHEILA: I don't know where they could be.

GEORGE: Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues.

SHEILA: Well if I find them I'll call you.

GEORGE: And maybe we could go out and do something.

SHEILA: Sure.

RON: Hello.

GEORGE: Hi.

(George leaves)

SHEILA: So the little guy finally asked me out.

RON: Really?

SHEILA: Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere.

RON: Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card.

SHEILA: Newman?

[George and Jerry at Post Office]

GEORGE: I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for.

NEWMAN: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.

JERRY: I'm clean and you know it.

NEWMAN: Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.

JERRY: Where did you get that?

GEORGE: I think that's one of mine.

NEWMAN: It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.

JERRY: I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.

NEWMAN: Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile.....

GUY: NEWMAN!!

NEWMAN: There will be a small fine.

JERRY: Okay.

GEORGE: Can we go now?

NEWMAN: Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.

JERRY: Oh my god!!

NEWMAN: This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.

(Newman holds up a picture of Ron)

GEORGE: OH MY GOD!!!

NEWMAN: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.

JERRY: I have some questions of my own.

(Sheila walks in)

SHEILA: Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god, George!?!

GEORGE: Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.

JERRY: The timeless art of seduction.

GEORGE: SHEILA!!!

The End

S8E6 - The Fatigues

Broadcast date: October 31, 1996

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Joseph Urla ............................ Dugan

Ned Bellamy .......................... Eddie

A.J. Langer ........................... Abby

Katie Layman ........................ Cynthia

Eddie Allen ........................... Doctor

Gwen McGee ........................ Janine

Lynn Manning ...................... Blind Man

rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ....................... Frank Costanza

rc: Richard Herd ................... Wilhelm

rc:  Steve Hytner .................. Kenny Bania

==================================================================

[Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.]

WOMAN: Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.

JERRY: My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.

WOMAN: Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made.

JERRY: Mentor? You mean your boss.

WOMAN: Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.

JERRY: Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.

WOMAN: And I'm her protégé. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.

JERRY: Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.

[George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?

JERRY: Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé.

GEORGE: Is there any money involved?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: So what's in it for the mentor?

JERRY: Respect, admiration, prestige.

GEORGE: Pssh. Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor?

JERRY: I suppose if it was on the protégé's way to the mentor, they might.

GEORGE: Laundry? Dry cleaning?

JERRY: It's not a valet, it's a protégé.

GEORGE: Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.

JERRY: (checking out George's textbook) Risk management?

GEORGE: Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.

JERRY: Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?

GEORGE: I guess it's on my resume.

(The phone rings, Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello?

VOICE: Please hold for Elaine Benes.

GEORGE: You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has my voice. I hate my voice.

JERRY: So get this book on tape.

GEORGE: You can't, it's a textbook.

ELAINE: Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?

JERRY: Am I going? It was three nights ago.

ELAINE: What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.

JERRY: Oh, it was a lovely affair.

ELAINE: Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?

JEANINE: Eddie Sherman.

ELAINE: Alright, send him up here.

JERRY: You gonna do a little yelling?

ELAINE: I'm gonna do a little firing.

JERRY: That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?

ELAINE: Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.

(Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded off with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George, hitting him in the glasses and waking him up.)

JERRY: Hey, Copernicus?

[Elaine's office.]

JEANINE: Eddie Sherman is here.

ELAINE: Oh, great. Send him in.

(Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in a raspy voice.)

EDDIE: You wanted to see me?

ELAINE: Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.

[Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]

JERRY: So, what did you say?

ELAINE: Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.

JERRY: What? What did you--

ELAINE: Copywriter.

JERRY: He's writing copy?

ELAINE: Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.

(Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and Elaine.)

KRAMER: Yowza yowza. Check it out.

JERRY: (reading) Jewish singles night?

KRAMER: I expect you both to be there.

ELAINE: I'm not Jewish.

KRAMER: Well neither am I.

JERRY: Well why are you going?

KRAMER: I'm not, I'm running it.

JERRY: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.

JERRY: Lomez is Jewish?

KRAMER: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.

ELAINE: (reading) At the Knights of Columbus?

KRAMER: Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.

JERRY: Kramer, you know, I--

KRAMER: No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself.

ELAINE: (reading) A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.

KRAMER: Do you like tsimmis?

[Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.]

ABBY: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.

JERRY: I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.

ABBY: Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia!

CYNTHIA: Hello, Abby.

ABBY: Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.

JERRY: Hello.

CYNTHIA: Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.

ABBY: Well come join us, we could pull up a chair.

CYNTHIA: Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you

night know him, he's a comic too.

JERRY: No kidding?

CYNTHIA: Kenny Bania.

JERRY: Bania?

(Bania enters.)

BANIA: Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry.

[George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.]

GEORGE: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that?

MAN: Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.

GEORGE: I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.

MAN: Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.

[George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Reading for the Blind?

GEORGE: I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.

JERRY: So, I finally met the mentor.

GEORGE: What's she like? Impressive?

JERRY: Oh yeah, she's dating Bania.

GEORGE: Bania?

JERRY: Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.

GEORGE: What did you have?

JERRY: Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?

GEORGE: Marsala?

JERRY: Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley.

GEORGE (leaving) Alright, I got a test to fail.

JERRY: Hey, good luck with that.

GEORGE: Thank you.

(George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment.)

GEORGE: Dad.

FRANK: What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?

GEORGE: What are you doing here?

KRAMER: Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.

JERRY: Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?

KRAMER: Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?

FRANK: Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!

(Frank storms out of the apartment.)

KRAMER: What's the matter with him?

GEORGE: My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.

KRAMER: Shell-shocked?

GEORGE: Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it.

[Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.]

ELAINE: That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.

EDDIE: Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.

ELAINE: Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.

EDDIE: I'm ready.

ELAINE: Oh, okay.

EDDIT: (reading) It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts.

[Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.

JERRY: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.

ELAINE: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.

[George is taking an eye exam.]

GEORGE: Nothing at all.

DOCTOR: Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this insurance form, here's a pen.

(George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.)

GEORGE: You're a very handsome man, by the way.

[Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the stove.]

JERRY: What the hell is going on here?

(Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops the pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.)

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.

JERRY: No, I don't want to.

KRAMER: Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.

(Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.)

KRAMER: Hah?

JERRY: Oh, this is awful.

KRAMER: Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.

(Kramer bites into one and spits it out.)

JERRY: Did you follow the recipe?

KRAMER: The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.

JERRY: It tastes like dirt.

KRAMER: Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.

JERRY: Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.

KRAMER: No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry.

(Abby walks in.)

ABBY: I think there's a dead animal in the elevator.

KRAMER: My stuffed cabbage!

(Kramer runs out.)

ABBY: So, great dinner last night.

JERRY: Yeah, it was alright.

ABBY: I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday and then catch his act.

JERRY: No. No, no way, no Bania.

ABBY: What?

JERRY: Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.

ABBY: Cynthia would not date a hack.

JERRY: Would. Does. Is.

[Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.]

ELAINE: Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog.

(There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.)

ELAINE: He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.

EMPLOYEE: You promoted him?

ELAINE: Well, no, I would hardly--

EMPLOYEE: I bust my hump ever day.

ELAINE: Relax--

EMPLOYEE: As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protégé can run the catalog by yourselves! I quit!

(What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as everybody walks out.)

ELAINE: Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!

[George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.]

VOICE: Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?

GEORGE: This guy sounds just like me.

VOICE: To understand risk, we must first define risk.

GEORGE: This is horrible.

VOICE: Risk is defined as--

GEORGE: (banging the recorder) Stop it! Stop it!

[Kramer is at Frank's.]

KRAMER: C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.

FRANK: In my mind, there's a war still going on.

KRAMER: Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?

(Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.)

FRANK: Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...

KRAMER: What happened?

FRANK: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.

KRAMER: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.

FRANK: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!

KRAMER: Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.

FRANK: No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go.

[Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: So you saw Bania's act?

ABBY: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.

JERRY: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.

ABBY: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?

JERRY: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.

ABBY: Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over.

JERRY: No more mentor?

ABBY: Looks that way.

JERRY: Well at least you and I are okay again.

ABBY: Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.

JERRY: Why?

ABBY: Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor.

JERRY: I can tell you what to do.

ABBY: No, it's more than that.

JERRY: I can tell you what to think.

ABBY: I need someone I can trust.

JERRY: Oh.

(George busts in.)

GEORGE: I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.

JERRY: Kind of in the middle of something here, George.

(George shuts up and relaxes on the couch.)

JERRY: George?

ABBY: I gotta run anyway.

JERRY: I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.

ABBY: I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya.

JERRY: Yeah, see ya.

(Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.)

JERRY: What's your problem.

(George runs back.)

GEORGE: No problem.

(George runs away again.)

[Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy.]

EDDIE: Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes.

ELAINE: Oh.

EDDIE: (reading) It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull.

ELAINE: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.

EDDIE: Well, I'm not married to it.

Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"?

EDDIE: Dewy meadow.

[Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen.]

ESTELLE: Here's your omelet.

FRANK: It's dry.

ESTELLE: That's the way I always make it.

FRANK: Well it sucks.

ESTELLE: What did you say?

FRANK: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!

ESTELLE: Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!

FRANK: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby!

[George and Abby are at George's office.]

ABBY: And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a protégé?

GEORGE: I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.

ABBY: I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me.

ABBY: Alright.

GEORGE: Okay.

[Jerry runs into Bania on a street corner.]

BANIA: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Oh, hey Bania.

BANIA: Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.

JERRY: Oh, that's too bad.

BANIA: Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.

JERRY: Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestlé's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--

BANIA: You think you can give me a hand with my material?

[Frank is knocking on Kramer's door.]

KRAMER: Hey.

FRANK: You still need a cook?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.

FRANK: Ya got T-Fal?

KRAMER: Keflon.

FRANK: No! Follow me.

[Jerry is reviewing material with Bania.]

BANIA: (reading) Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

[Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.]

ELAINE: Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones".

[Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: George Costanza is your mentor?

ABBY: Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.

(Abby places her risk management folder on the table.)

JERRY: About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?

ABBY: You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship.

JERRY: As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protégé of my own.

(Jerry places his Bania folder on the table.)

ABBY: Who?

JERRY: A Mister Kenneth Bania.

ABBY: Bania?

JERRY: I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.

ABBY: Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protégé is a hack.

(Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.)

JERRY: Well, I don't think I want to date a protégé whose mentor is a Costanza.

[Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.

EDDIE: Cool.

ELAINE: Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh?

EDDIE: I don't want to talk about it.

ELAINE: Come on, don't be a baby.

EDDIE: I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.

ELAINE: That's it?

EDDIE: Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish.

["Jewish Singles Night".]

ELAINE: Mm. This food is fantastic.

JERRY: Have you tried the hamentashen?

ELAINE: I can't get off the kishkas.

BANIA: Hey Jerry!

JERRY: Bania?

BANIA: I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer!

JERRY: Risk management?

BANIA: Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even Cynthia took me back.

(Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.)

WOMAN: So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development in two days?

EDDIE: That's right.

WOMAN: How much are they paying you? I'll double it.

(Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.)

KRAMER: Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes.

FRANK: Where's the powdered sugar?

KRAMER: You know Frank, you could take a break.

FRANK: No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

(Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.)

ELAINE: You're quitting?

EDDIE: I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more.

ELAINE: Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you!

(Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece of bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads to the loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip.)

[George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.]

VOICE: Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management.

(George steps up and opens his folder.)

GEORGE: Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?

(George flips through a few pages.)

GEORGE: They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.

WILHELM: (proudly, to the man seated beside him): He's my protégé.

FRANK: Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!"

The End

S8E7 - The Checks

Broadcast date: November 7, 1996

Written by Steve O'Donnell and Tom Gammill & Max Pross

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

James Patrick Stuart .............. Brett

Gedde Watanabe .................. Mr. Oh

Sab Shimono .......................... Executive #1

John Bowman ........................ Teddy

Jock Plotnick .......................... Crew Leader

George Wallace ..................... Doctor

Toshi Toda ............................ Mr. Tanaka

Goh Misawa .......................... Mr. Yamaguchi

Tony V. ................................. Clicky

Akane Nelson ........................ Executive #2

Cherie Hankal ........................ Nurse

rc: Richard Herd .................... Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Street]

(Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple of carrier bags she's fussing with the contents of.)

JERRY: Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.

ELAINE: Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.

JERRY: Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?

(Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.)

ELAINE: What is this, a 'bit'?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: 'Cos I'm not in the mood.

JERRY: We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!

ELAINE: Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.

JERRY: They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.

ELAINE: (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?

JERRY: (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?

ELAINE: It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.

JERRY: (thinking) Great. Thanks.

[Some Fancy Place]

(The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, chatting and drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the room, carrying drinks.)

ELAINE: So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?

BRETT: We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.

(Elaine and Brett sit on a couch)

ELAINE: (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.

BRETT: You know Farbman?

ELAINE: Mm, love Farbman.

BRETT: Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.

ELAINE: Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.

(Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears the music and is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to everything but the song.)

ELAINE: Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?

(Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to stare off into the distance.)

ELAINE: Brett? Don't you think that would be great?

(Brett still doesn't react.)

ELAINE: Brett?

BRETT: (still staring off) After the song, babe.

ELAINE: Huh?

BRETT: The song.

(Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by his sensitivity.)

[Street]

(Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant and walk along the street.)

JERRY: So when do I meet this jerk?

ELAINE: He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.

JERRY: What song?

ELAINE: Desperado.

JERRY: Desperado?

ELAINE: Uh huh.

JERRY: And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.

(Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, twirling a brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.)

JERRY: (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.

ELAINE: Uh huh.

JERRY: I invented that.

ELAINE: That, had to be invented?

JERRY: When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers.

(Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced.)

ELAINE: (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?

(Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy.)

JERRY: Elaine.

ELAINE: Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.

JERRY: Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson.

CLICKY: Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.

ELAINE: (looking at Jerry) Ohh.

JERRY: I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.

CLICKY: Yeah, that's where he come up with it.

JERRY: In his dreams.

ELAINE: Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?

(Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.)

JERRY: (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits in a chair with a magazine.)

JERRY: It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.

GEORGE: (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.

JERRY: (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.

(Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the kitchen. The door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.)

KRAMER: Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.

JERRY: (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em.

GEORGE: What checks?

KRAMER: Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.

JERRY: I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.

KRAMER: Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.

JERRY: (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.

GEORGE: Look at all of those! You're rich!

JERRY: Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.

(Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. He reaches under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally opens it. He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.)

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.

(George wanders over.)

GEORGE: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?

JERRY: Ah, who are any of her losers?

GEORGE: (dryly) You're on that list.

(George goes and gets his coat.)

GEORGE: Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.

KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?

EGO: Yeah, you heard of 'em?

KRAMER: They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.

GEORGE: So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.

JERRY: I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.

[Street]

(Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, as if it's giving him discomfort.)

JERRY: Signed over a hundred checks this morning.

KRAMER: Hello, twelve dollars.

(Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One of them steps forward, holding out a camera.)

MR OH: Excuse me. Would you take picture please?

KRAMER: (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.

(Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another umbrella salesman, twirling his wares.)

JERRY: I'm gonna ask this guy something.

(Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture of the three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them all, and stumbles off the curb.)

JERRY: (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you?

(Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks over toward Jerry, and thinks for a second.)

KRAMER: (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.

MR YAMAGUCHI: Hai.

MR OH: Yes.

KRAMER: (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?

(Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the twirl to the guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and arm waving.)

KRAMER: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.

MR OH: Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...

(The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.)

KRAMER: Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.

(Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still talking vigorously to the umbrella guy.)

MR OH: What is he doing?

KRAMER: Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.

MR OH: He's funny.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.

(Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed guy watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.)

KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.

(Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.)

[George's Apartment]

(Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living room. Two of them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, The third, the leader, has a notebook.)

CREW LEADER: (calling to George) We're pretty much finished.

(George enters from another room.)

CREW LEADER: There's just one more thing.

GEORGE: (smiling expectantly) Here it comes.

(The leader opens his book and holds up a check.)

CREW LEADER: (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.

(The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his signature.)

GEORGE: (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else?

CREW LEADER: (flat) No.

(The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader toward the door, looking disappointed.)

GEORGE: (let down) So, that's it?

CREW LEADER: Unless you need a receipt.

GEORGE: (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.

CREW LEADER: (flat) Good luck with that.

(The leader closes the door on a perplexed George.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his pen awkwardly in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and notices his hand.)

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: What's with the claw?

JERRY: Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.

(Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.)

BRETT: (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.

ELAINE: Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.

JERRY: Hi.

(Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the position of the fingers in his wave back.)

BRETT: That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.

JERRY: Ah, I'm one kind.

(Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.)

ELAINE: Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?

JERRY: The Fleckman.

BRETT: Farbman.

JERRY: Right.

ELAINE: You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.

JERRY: (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.

BRETT: I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.

JERRY: No. I'm fine, thank you.

BRETT: Don't worry. It's no charge to you.

(Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.)

BRETT: Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.

JERRY: (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.

BRETT: (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.

ELAINE: Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.

BRETT: (quiet) Oops.

(Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.)

BRETT: Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should get going.

(Brett opens the door.)

ELAINE: Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?

JERRY: Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?

BRETT: (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.

JERRY: You look like you could use a...

ELAINE: (warning) Jerry.

[Saks]

(Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer picks up a Stetson and reads the price tag.)

KRAMER: (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?

(Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.)

MR OH: (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.

KRAMER: (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.

(Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.)

KRAMER: Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.

(Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.)

[Brett's Car]

(Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.)

BRETT: I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he?

ELAINE: Why? Why d'you think he's upset?

BRETT: How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.

ELAINE: (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?

BRETT: (smiling) I hope not.

(Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, the Eagles' Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the kiss, and stares off into the distance again.)

ELAINE: (surprised) Brett? Everything alright?

(Brett makes no response.)

ELAINE: (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?

BRETT: Elaine, the song.

ELAINE: (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...

BRETT: Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?

ELAINE: (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.

(Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.)

JERRY: No spiel?

GEORGE: (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!

JERRY: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?

GEORGE: They could've at least tried!

JERRY: You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?

GEORGE: Please.

JERRY: Too dumb?

(George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new suit. He strolls over to the booth.)

JERRY: (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.

KRAMER: Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.

JERRY: Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm?

(Jerry looks puzzled.)

KRAMER: That's right.

GEORGE: How'd you hook up with these guys?

KRAMER: Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.

JERRY: What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?

KRAMER: (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.

GEORGE: (excited) Yeah, the pilot!

KRAMER: That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.

GEORGE: (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!

JERRY: Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.

GEORGE: (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!

(Jerry looks doubtful.)

KRAMER: George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.

(Jerry looks at George, wondering.)

[Japanese TV Office]

(Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, one male, one female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry made at the end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George is smiling and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large bowl containing a plastic bag of oranges.)

TV JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?!

TV ELAINE: Well, why do I need your permission?

TV JERRY: Because he's my butler.

(The first executive stops the tape.)

GEORGE: (eager) So? What d'you think?

EXECUTIVE 1: We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?

GEORGE: Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.

EXECUTIVE 1: Is this customary in your legal system?

JERRY: No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you following any of this?

EXECUTIVE 2: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still trying to figure out why they gave us a bag of oranges.

EXECUTIVE 1: (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.

GEORGE: Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.

(Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers are still twisted from the check signing.)

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with the oranges

(There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops it.)

JERRY: (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.

GEORGE: (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs)

EXECUTIVE 1: You must go now.

(Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder and they ruefully begin to depart. )

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped in his clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.)

ELAINE: Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.

JERRY: (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?

ELAINE: He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.

JERRY: You know, what you need is a song you can share.

ELAINE: Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.

JERRY: Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?

(Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something occurs.)

ELAINE: (points) I like Witchy Woman.

JERRY: Witchy Woman?

ELAINE: You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.

JERRY: (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.

(The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying another fat envelope.)

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey, man.

ELAINE: Hey.

(Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine walks to the kitchen.)

JERRY: Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?

KRAMER: Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.

JERRY: Ah.

KRAMER: Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?

JERRY: What for?

(Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.)

KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.

JERRY: I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?

(Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows.)

KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.

JERRY: Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?

KRAMER: Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen.

(Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.)

ELAINE: Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?

KRAMER: Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.

ELAINE: In them?!

JERRY: You have them sleeping in drawers?!

KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.

JERRY: This has 'international incident' written all over it.

KRAMER: (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest of three drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a foot and a half deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.)

KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.

(One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.)

MR TANAKA: Goodnight.

(Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. He then speaks to the occupant of the next drawer.)

KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Oh.

MR OH: (sits up) Goodnight.

(Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and speaks to the final drawer's occupant.)

KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.

MR YAMAGUCHI: (sits up) Oyasuminasai *(Japanese for goodnight)

(Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches off the lamp and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, and a box of Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into an envelope.)

JERRY: What is this?

KRAMER: Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.

JERRY: Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.

KRAMER: (opening the fridge) Sayonara.

JERRY: (leaving) Konichi-wa.

(Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.)

[Brett's Car]

(Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing on the stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head nodding. Brett looks puzzled.)

BRETT: Elaine, I...

ELAINE: Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?

(Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches off the music.)

ELAINE: What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.

BRETT: Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.

ELAINE: Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.

BRETT: (flat) No. It's mine.

(There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers out at the weather.)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi sits up in the bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his feet in his drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to the pair of them.)

KRAMER: Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.

(Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.)

KRAMER: (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.

MR OH (O.C.): Ach, come back in half hour.

(Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on top of the chest and walks off mumbling irritably.)

[Street]

(It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing just a light jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. Jerry spots the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.)

JERRY: (calls) Hey, I'll take one.

CLICKY: Well, look who's back!

(Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other way.)

CLICKY: Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.

TEDDY: (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY: Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini.

TEDDY: (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago.

JERRY: Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?

TEDDY: (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of eighty-four? I almost lost my house.

(A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros. Clicky tries to catch his attention.)

CLICKY: Umbrella, buddy?

(The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the street.)

CLICKY: Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.

TEDDY: (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.

JERRY: Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?

TEDDY: (intense) I care. Clicky cares.

JERRY: So, could I...

(Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption.)

JERRY: Could I just buy an umbrella?

TEDDY: (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.

JERRY: (shock) What?!

TEDDY: (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.

(The rain continues to pour down unabated.)

[George's Office, Yankee Stadium]

(George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed by the three Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing down.)

KRAMER: Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.

GEORGE: (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field.

KRAMER: (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.

(George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his hands.)

GEORGE: Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.

KRAMER: (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?

(The Japanese nod to each other.)

MR OH: But, we are also very hungry.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.

(Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves the office and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.)

KRAMER: (shouts) Hey, peanuts!

(As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.)

WILHELM: George. (waves George over) George.

(George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.)

WILHELM: (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?

GEORGE: Are they here?

WILHELM: They're in my office, right now.

GEORGE: (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?

WILHELM: About what?

GEORGE: (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!

[Street]

(Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, and by now he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with Jerry, and the window winds down.)

BRETT: (calls over) Hey Jerry!

(Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises Brett.)

JERRY: Oh, hi Brett.

BRETT: Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?

JERRY: Ah, I didn't have enough money.

BRETT: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.

JERRY: No, it's not that, it's the...

(Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The rain has soaked them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and become illegible.)

JERRY: Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!

(Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.)

BRETT: Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?

JERRY: No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.

BRETT: Nothing's working for you, is is?

JERRY: (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.

BRETT: I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.

(Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.)

JERRY: (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!

(Jerry walks away)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the apartment, and more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.)

ELAINE: Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.

JERRY: Boogeyman.

ELAINE: Boogey?

JERRY: I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?

ELAINE: No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?

JERRY: (negative) Eehh.

ELAINE: (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!

(Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops onto the couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.)

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!

JERRY: Really? They bought the butler character?

GEORGE: (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.

JERRY: NBC?

GEORGE: (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.

(Elaine looks heavenwards.)

JERRY: Ah. But they told us we must go now.

GEORGE: But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.

(George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.)

JERRY: Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!

(George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry starts to close the door, but George turns back)

GEORGE: Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?

JERRY: Who?

GEORGE: The network executive. You think she liked me?

(Jerry swings the door closed in George's face.)

[Hallway]

(George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there is no immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting and laughter. He opens the door and goes in)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped to the waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot George as he enters and shout greetings.)

KRAMER: Heyy! Look who's here.

(The Japanese whoop and wave at George.)

KRAMER: (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.

(All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in the tub with them.)

MR OH: Come on in, fat boy!

(George waves away their appeals with a smile.)

GEORGE: Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!

(Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who leaves. Then they go back to knocking back sake.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.)

JERRY: (to himself) Last one.

(Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like hand. It's clearly painful.)

JERRY: (agonised) Uugh! Ahh.

[Street]

(George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's waiting for someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's ear.)

KRAMER: There you are.

(George jumps, surprised by Kramer.)

GEORGE: Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?

KRAMER: Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.

(Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline tickets.)

KRAMER: I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money.

GEORGE: (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!

KRAMER: No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub.

(A panicky George rushes toward a payphone.)

GEORGE: (frantic) I'm calling Jerry.

[Street/Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone rings and he picks up (with his right).)

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!

JERRY: (kidding) Uncle Leo?

GEORGE: (scream) Jerry!!

(George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone away from his ear at the noise.)

JERRY: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.

(Jerry hangs up the phone.)

JERRY: (to himself) Hmm, testy.

[Kramer's Apartment]

(The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers are shut, and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for help. Jerry enters and hears the calls.)

JERRY: Hello?

MR OH (O.C.): Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!

(Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. He tries to hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.)

JERRY: It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.

MR OH (O.C.): Pull harder.

JERRY: I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.

MR OH (O.C): Very funny, but no joking, please.

JERRY: (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.

[Hallway]

(Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying an umbrella. Elaine looks dubious.)

ELAINE: Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.

BRETT: Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.

ELAINE: Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.

(Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's apartment distracts her.)

JERRY (O.C.): (yell) Move to the back of the drawers!

(Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.)

ELAINE: Jerry?

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Elaine enters followed by Brett.)

ELAINE: Jerry.

(Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large fireman's axe. He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the wood splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops the umbrella, and rushes forward to protect the furniture.)

BRETT: (shouting) Not the Farbman!!

(Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to her mouth and screams, horrified at what she sees.)

[Japanese TV Office]

(The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors of some horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George perches on the arm of the couch).

MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect his friend here is also unbalanced.

(The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending, George.)

GEORGE: So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?

MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we have a couple of those oranges?

(The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab the fruit.)

MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very hungry and have survived many hardships.

(Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including the leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.)

GEORGE: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?

EXECUTIVE 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.

(Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet cleaners. George looks stunned.)

GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?

WILHELM: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.

(George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.)

GEORGE: (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!

(The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.')

GEORGE: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!

WILHELM: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.

(George purses his lips.)

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.

(The second executive shakes her head.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands beside him, applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.)

JERRY: (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe.

(Elaine gives Jerry a look.)

JERRY: (defensive) At least it was just the handle!

BRETT: It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...

(Brett looks concerned.)

BRETT: I can't remember his name!

JERRY: Fleckman?

ELAINE: Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'

ELAINE/JERRY: (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...'

(Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto the table with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just looks down.)

[Insert]

(An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.)

[Emergency Room]

(Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.)

NURSE: His pulse is fine.

DOCTOR: Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling.

(Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets the same look on his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.)

NURSE: Doctor?

(The doctor stares away.)

NURSE: (concerned) Doctor?

(The doctor is oblivious to the nurse.)

NURSE: (worried) Doctor?

(There is still no response from the doctor.)

NURSE: (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!

(As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments can be heard beeping faster and faster.)

The End

Originally Transcribed by unknown

Corrections and additions on 11/16/04 by Dan Coogan http://www.cooganphoto.com

S8E8 - The Chicken Roaster

Broadcast date: November 14, 1996

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mark Roberts ........................ Seth

Kymberly Kalil ...................... Heather (sales woman)

Michael D. Roberts ............. Ipswich

Wesley Leong ...................... Clerk

Christopher Aguilar ............ Burmese Boy

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand / market. George picks up a bottle of Orange juice.]

GEORGE: Dollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?

JERRY: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.

GEORGE: Not me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit)

JERRY: Restaurants too?

GEORGE: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.

JERRY: Yea especially Ziti, with that big hole.

(George asks the store worker a question)

GEORGE: Ahh, Excuse me, how much is this?

WORKER: Dollar nineteen.

GEORGE: I'll give you a quarter.

WORKER: Get the hell out of here.

JERRY: Tell him forty and no fork.

GEORGE: Thirty.

WORKER: That's it you leave and never come back!

JERRY: How about we leave and, come back in a week?

WORKER: Deal! (turns and walks into the market)

GEORGE: Alright see? We got something there.

[Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the new chicken shack.]

KRAMER: Awe check it out.

JERRY: Wow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.

KRAMER: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.

JERRY: He is the gambler.

KRAMER: Well, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.

JERRY: Try and stay calm.

KRAMER: Yea, yea.

(Kramer exits)

[Man on street recognizes Jerry.]

MAN: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?

SETH: At least.

JERRY: You wanna grab lunch?

SETH: Ah, I'm actually headed back to the office.

JERRY: Seth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?

SETH: Well I am, supposed to be in this meeting.

JERRY: Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?

SETH & JERRY: Alright, alright.

JERRY: Hey whatever happened to Moochie?

SETH: He's dead.

JERRY: Is that right?

(Jerry and Seth walk off down the sidewalk)

[George and Elaine are in a store]

GEORGE: You know I still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense.

ELAINE: What do you think of the catalog?

GEORGE: It stinks.

ELAINE: There, we just talked business.

SALES WOMAN: We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.

ELAINE: Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.

SALES WOMAN: You know what else we have that you might like?

ELAINE: I'll take it.

(George puts on a giant Russian hat)

GEORGE: Hey, you like?

(Elaine laughs)

SALES WOMAN: I think it looks very nice on you.

GEORGE: Really? (feeling flattered)

SALES WOMAN: Hmm.

GEORGE: Elaine, huh... Peterman account?

ELAINE: Why not? (To the Sales Woman) And some hair for my little friend here.

(George takes off the hat.)

[Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant]

SETH: So how's your stand up career?

JERRY: Good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.

SETH: Do you speak Japanese?

JERRY: No

SETH: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.

(Jerry thinks for a minute)

JERRY: I don't know. So what's this job of yours?

SETH: Big investment firm.

JERRY: Mmmm.

SETH: We just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them.

JERRY: The, the meeting you blew off?

(Seth laughs)

SETH: Yea.

JERRY: Wasn't that kind of important?

(Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.)

SETH: Yea.

[Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone]

ELAINE: ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Water Pik.

JERRY: You use a Water Pik?

ELAINE: Sure. Water Pik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.

JERRY: So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?

ELAINE: Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.

(Elaine clicks over to the call waiting, putting Jerry on hold in the process. The screen is a 3 panel shot -- Ipswitch, Elaine, Jerry )

ELAINE: Hello?

MAN: Good day Ms. Benes. It’s Roger Ipswitch.

ELAINE: Oh hey! How things doing in accounting?

ROGER: Ms. Benes, I notice you’ve been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.

(Jerry looks at his shirt)

ELAINE: Well, I am the President.

ROGER: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less, the expense account is for business purposes only.

ELAINE: Well, well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?

ROGER: No. I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. (hangs up the phone)

(screen still has 3 panels, but Ipswitch’s panel is now black, leaving Elaine and Jerry in their own panels)

ELAINE: Good day.

(Elaine hangs up - her panel goes black, leaving Jerry still on hold)

JERRY: Hello. Anybody?

[George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.]

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. Why didn't cha get the big one?

GEORGE: This hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!

JERRY: I don't believe it.

(George takes off hat and sits in booth)

GEORGE: Ah, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.

JERRY: Ahh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on.

GEORGE: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.

JERRY: That's a date?

GEORGE: What's the difference? You know they way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you’re hummin’ it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) "By Mennen!".

JERRY: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?

GEORGE: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf -- I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.

JERRY: That is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?

[Jerry is at his apartment door]

JERRY: (sings theme) "By Mennen." What the?...

(Jerry notices a red dot on his door, Using his hand, he traces the red light coming from Kramer's peep hole. Jerry knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer opens the door -- a huge red light is flooding the apartment as well as a pronounced buzzing sound. Kramer is smoking away on a cigar. Jerry is taken-a-back by the bright red light.)

JERRY: What's going on in there?

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: That light!

KRAMER: Oh the red. Yeah, It’s the chicken roaster sign. You know, its right across from my window.

JERRY: Can't you shut the shades?

KRAMER: They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.

JERRY: Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?

KRAMER: Yeah, he was fired.

[Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting guy that all of her expenses are business related]

ELAINE: Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. (laughs, modeling the comforter) What do you think?

ROGER: Another bulls eye.

ELAINE: Hmm. Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose.

(Elaine turns on Water Pik to water the plants.)

ROGER: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.

ELAINE: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?

ROGER: It costs eight-thousand dollars.

ELAINE: What?

(Elaine, surprised at the cost of the hat, turns and accidentally hits Roger with water from Water Pik -- he tries to block the water stream from hitting him.)

ELAINE: Ohh. (trying to control the Water Pik and shut it off.)

[Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment]

JERRY: Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?

SETH: We're old college buddies.

JERRY: I only knew you through Moochie.

SETH: Hey Jerry don't worry about it all right. The important thing is, is we got to catch up. Mind if I ah, grab the want ads?

JERRY: Um, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)

(Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, walks into the doorjam. Red light still blaring)

JERRY: How's life on the red planet? (shuts door)

KRAMER: Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cubard and pours it in a big bowl)

JERRY: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?

KRAMER: Ah, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.

(Kramer takes a pitcher of red liquid from the fridge and pours it on his cereal.)

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Getting some cereal

JERRY: That, that's tomato juice.

(Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal with tomato juice!)

(Spits out cereal)

KRAMER: That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it. I gotta move in with you Jerry.

(Kramer takes the bowl to the trash can and proceeds to spill the cereal and tomato juice all over Jerry's wall in the area around the trash can)

JERRY: I don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ....

(Kramer attempts to cleans the mess with a dish rag....)

JERRY: ..living together after a while we... we might start to get on each others nerves a little.

(Squeezes juice from rag into pitcher and puts it back in the fridge)

KRAMER: Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?

JERRY: Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite.

KRAMER: Jerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!

JERRY: Yea, that's no good.

KRAMER: I may have to drive that place out of business.

JERRY: How you gonna do that?

KRAMER: Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.

(Kramer makes a peace sign and a pop noise.)

(Kramer opens door and leans way back from the overwhelming red neon light )

[George is dropping off the sales woman that sold him the hat.]

HEATHER: Thanks George, but I got it from here.

GEORGE: Oh no I'm in already come on.

(George puts down the bags he came in with)

GEORGE: So eh, you eh, wanna get together tomorrow?

HEATHER: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

GEORGE: What about this weekend?

HEATHER: I'm gonna be busy for a while.

GEORGE: OK, ah.. (George throws his keys on the table) see ya!

HEATHER: Hey, you forgot your keys.

GEORGE: Oh, those, those aren't my keys.

HEATHER: Well they're not mine.

GEORGE: Oh. Ha. They are my keys, how weird. (laughs)

(Phone rings)

HEATHER: Goodbye George.

GEORGE: Yea bye.

HEATHER: George, Bye! (picks up phone) Hello? You are not going to believe the date I just had.

(George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. )

GEORGE: (sings) Co-stan-za. (like "By Mennen")

(Heather turns and looks as the door shuts)

[George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at a bunch of fake butterflies on the wall]

ELAINE: What do you mean you don't have the hat?

GEORGE: I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? (pounding on glass display)

ELAINE: No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!

GEORGE: Alright, alright, I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha ha. Now watch the magic.

(George tries to dial but gets a busy tone)

ELAINE: Dial 9- MERLIN.

(George dials again on speaker phone and Heather answers)

HEATHER: Hello?

GEORGE: (clears throat) Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.

HEATHER: Oy!

GEORGE: Ah, listen ah, I don't mean to bother you but ah, silly me, I- I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So ah, I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up.

HEATHER: You didn't' leave a hat here.

GEORGE: I- I'm pretty sure I left it eh, behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally.

HEATHER: No hat. George I gotta go.

GEORGE: Ah, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, y’ummm (stammering)

(Heather hangs up)

[Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying a garbage for Kenny Rogers Roasters]

JERRY: Seth?

SETH: Jerry Hi! What do you think?

JERRY: I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be.

SETH: Yeah, I'm the new manager

JERRY: But your were an executive, this is fast food.

SETH: Not fast food, good food quickly. Hey, next time lunch’ll be on me, huh Jer.

(Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN")

KRAMER: Hey, stay away from the chicken. Bad, bad chicken, mess you up.

SETH: That's not going to be good for business.

JERRY: That's not going to be good for anybody.

[Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: Jerry I’m so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.

JERRY: Look Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.

KRAMER: What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

JERRY: And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...

(Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes Newman from the bathroom who then tosses a newspaper on the table)

JERRY: Oh no.

NEWMAN: Nice place you got here Kramer ...

KRAMER: Yeah.

NEWMAN: ... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)

JERRY: Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.

(Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. Newman starts eating chicken)

KRAMER: What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.

NEWMAN: I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.

KRAMER: Well I'm boycotting it.

NEWMAN: (eating) hm.

(Kramer looks at the chicken.)

KRAMER: What is that, hickory?

NEWMAN: Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.

KRAMER: Really?

NEWMAN: Uh-Huh.

(Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,)

KRAMER: Oh stop it. (he slaps Newman’s shoulder) What’s the matter with you.

(Kramer takes a piece of chicken and looks like he loves it)

KRAMER: Mmmmm.

[Exterior dusk shot of Heather's apartment building. Knock on Heather's door.]

HEATHER: Can I help you?

(Elaine stands in the doorway, off to the side)

ELAINE: Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's...

HEATHER: Oh.

ELAINE: ... I'm a friend of George Costanza's. (while she is talking, she is dragging George in by pulling his ear)

GEORGE: Hi.

ELAINE: Ah, (releases George’s ear) whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to, leave something behind so he could weasel a second date.

HEATHER: Really?

ELAINE: I know, he- he has a real confidence problem.

GEORGE: Well not really...

ELAINE: George...

GEORGE: Ah... (quietly)

ELAINE: ... Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But, I really do need to have the hat back.

HEATHER: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...

GEORGE: Well that makes sense.

(George starts to leave, so Elaine grabs him by the ear and pulls him back in)

ELAINE: Well then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?

HEATHER: Be my guest.

(Elaine drags George in by his ear)

GEORGE: Good to see you again.

(George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired. The door shuts hard.)

GEORGE: She's bluffing...

ELAINE: Uhhh...

GEORGE: ... She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.

ELAINE: This is an absolute disaster.

GEORGE: Oh I don't know. Check this out.

(George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. )

ELAINE: You stole her clock?

(George smiles)

ELAINE: Well done. (pats George on the shoulder)

GEORGE: Yep, this one for our side!

[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny Roger's Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so found another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.]

[Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).]

JERRY: (Thinking) What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax.

(Creaking sound, then the sound of a door opening)

JERRY: (startled - eyes wide open) Hello, is somebody there? (scurrying sound) Mr.- Mr. Marbles?

[Morning at Jerry apartment]

ELAINE: So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon. What am I gonna do?

KRAMER: You should sleep with him.

(Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's slide. The red light floods the hallway from Kramer’s apartment)

JERRY: Hey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!

(rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands - fingers outstretched)

ELAINE: You look a little stressed.

JERRY: Oh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)

ELAINE: So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.

JERRY: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

ELAINE: I thought he was Kramer's friend.

JERRY: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.

ELAINE: Forty bucks? Are they Sable?

JERRY: No, but the difference is negligible.

KRAMER: Oh yea, I like this idea. (sounding very much like Jerry)

ELAINE: Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.

JERRY: Giddee up!

(Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in the bathroom.)

NEWMAN: It's getting cold, it's getting cold.

KRAMER: That was a close one.

NEWMAN: Well why do we have to keep this from Jerry?

KRAMER: Because if Jerry finds out that I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with the red menace.

(Newman and Kramer start open the grocery bag.)

[Back to Elaine's office]

IPSWITCH: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.

ELAINE: w-w- Well, that's a -ah, it’s kind of Sable.

IPSWITCH: No, its a kind of rat.

ELAINE: That's a rat hat?

IPSWITCH: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time.

ELAINE: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.

IPSWITCH: And quite mad too from what I hear.

ELAINE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I fire you?

IPSWITCH: No.

[Monk's Diner -- George and Kramer are eating together]

KRAMER: So Heather called?

GEORGE: Yeah, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?

KRAMER: No, but this is all very exciting. (sounding very much like jerry)

GEORGE: She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.

KRAMER: Well there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.

GEORGE: I've looked at that, seems unlikely.

KRAMER: I'd look again. So ah, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?

GEORGE: Jerry, I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you.

KRAMER: Hmm. That's a shame.

[Jerry talking to Seth inside Kenny Rogers Roasters]

JERRY: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?

SETH: Jerry I lied. I'm just an assistant manager.

SETH: (On loud speaker) Number sixty seven, family feast.

NEWMAN: Number 67, right here, right here!

JERRY: Hello Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

SETH: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.

JERRY: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.

NEWMAN: I love.. broccoli, it’s, good for you.

JERRY: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

(Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece)

NEWMAN: Gladly. (starts munching on the broccoli, then spits it out)

NEWMAN: Vile weed!

JERRY: It's Kramer isn't it? I knew it! The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?

NEWMAN: Yes, Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.

(Newman drinks mustard like a shot of Henningin's whiskey. He slaps his hand on the counter 7 times, adjusts his coat, coughs and exits)

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer, tapping his fork on the table with an empty plate in front of him. He is waiting for Newman. Jerry comes in. Red light floods the hallway]

KRAMER: Newman, what took you... ah hey, hey

(surprised to see Jerry, Kramer removes the napkin from his shirt front and wipes his mouth like he just finished a meal.)

JERRY: Expecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Roger's Roasters.

KRAMER: Oh, shh, Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.

JERRY: He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ...

KRAMER: Oh

JERRY: ... as long as one of them is not him.

KRAMER: (laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...

JERRY: Uh-ha.

KRAMER: ... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.

JERRY: I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.

KRAMER: Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Roger's right out of town.

JERRY: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.

JERRY: All right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)

KRAMER: No Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.

JERRY: You got a little problem.

KRAMER: Oh I got a big problem Jerry!

[shot of a map - Myanmar, Burma. Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Spooky music plays. Elaine is lead by a boy and told to sit. they are in silhouette. This scene is straight out of the movie Apocalypse Now]

BOY: Here, kneel here.

ELAINE: What?

BOY: Kneel.

ELAINE: Kneel?

(The sound of water dripping, as Peterman squeezes a cloth onto the back of his neck, ala Colonel Kurtz in the movie Apocalypse Now)

PETERMAN: Elaine.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman.

(A boy cuts a pineapple with a large knife in the background. Elaine is startled and turns to look at him. Peterman scolds him in another language )

PETERMAN: Jaba! Bagama ma Jaba. Olymala Hungui. (The boy runs out of the room)

ELAINE: You speak Burmese?

PETERMAN: No Elaine, that was gibberish.

ELAINE: Ah.

PETERMAN: So did you have any trouble finding the place?

ELAINE: No, you're the only, white poet warlord in the neighborhood. (laughs)

PETERMAN: Are you an assassin?

ELAINE: I - I work for your mail order catalog.

PETERMAN: You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

ELAINE: Well actually um, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign, this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.

PETERMAN: I'd be happy to Elaine (he starts reading the form as she hands him a pen)... but I will have to see this hat.

ELAINE: Right... (nodding)

[George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding a white paper bag. He sits at the opposite end of the bench and sets the bag down next to him]

GEORGE: So how do you want to do this?

HEATHER: Alright George, I'll be honest. The first time we went out, I found you very irritating. But after seeing you a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head, (sings) Ca-stan-za! (like "By Mennen") (laughs)

GEORGE: So you - you really don't have my hat?

HEATHER: What?

(George moves his bag)

GEORGE: Uh, le - let's go do, something.

HEATHER: What's in the bag?

GEORGE: Oh that's eh, that's a sandwich.

(Clock starts ringing)

GEORGE: ...ah (picks up the bag) Damn salami.

HEATHER: (grabs the bag) My clock, you stole it!

GEORGE: That damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.

(Heather walks off leaving George on the bench. It starts raining)

[Jerry enters the Chicken Stand wearing the Nutria rat hat. The rain has made the hat wet]

JERRY: Hey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.

(As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the wetness, the hat falls apart, fur flying into everyone's plate)

JERRY: Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.

SETH: That's not gonna be good for anybody.

[Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's red Chicken light goes out]

KRAMER: (his mouth is very full) Kenny? ... Kenny?

(Kramer at his window with a sign saying "KENNY COME BACK" )

KRAMER: (quietly and staring across the street) Kenny .... Kenny ....... Kenny

[Jerry is in bed at his own apartment]

JERRY: Home at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)

(Creek!)

JERRY: Is someone there?

(the sound of scampered feet, and a shadow of the ventriloquist dummy runs across the back room wall)

JERRY: Mr. Marbles?

[Elaine with Peterman in the jungle]

ELAINE: This the Urban Sombrero, I put it on the last catalog cover.

PETERMAN: The horror ... the horror.

The End

Definitions of several items in the Chicken Roaster episode:

Ziti Pasta

A type of pasta that is shaped like thin tubular pieces of pasta that are approximately 1/4-inch in diameter and available in long or cut lengths.

Aristotle

(384-322 BC.) Greek Philosopher; pupil of Plato and teacher of Alexander the Great.

Tank McNamara

a comic strip by Jeff Millar and Bill Hinds. Tank has a knack for finding the absurdity in big-time athletics, and that's why sports fans love him.

http://www.nutria.com/site.php

Nutria

Nutria, Myocastor coypus, are large semi-aquatic rodents indigenous to South America. The Original range included Argentina, Brazil, Bolivia, Chile, paraguay and Uruguay. In the 1930’s nutria were imported into Louisiana for the fur farming industry and were released, either intentionally or accidentally into Louisiana coastal marshes. Nutria are herbivores and feed particularly on wetland plants. Nutria have caused extensive damage to Louisiana coastal wetlands due to their feeding activity.

http://www.nationaltrappers.com/nutria.html

This member of the rodent family is native to South America, and it was introduced both accidentally and purposely in the waterways in several American states.  The species has proved to be overly destructive of habitat in some areas, creating problems for muskrats and waterfowl.  This species can tolerate winters in temperate areas only.  An important fur bearer in Louisiana and Texas coastal area, nutria are viewed as detrimental in most other areas.

S8E9 - The Abstinence

Broadcast date: November 21, 1996

Written by Steve Koren

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Debra Jo Rupp ....................... Katie

Brenda Strong ........................ Sue Ellen Mischke

Bob Odenkirk ......................... Ben

Meagen Fay ............................ Mrs. Burns

Tamara Bick ............................ Louise

Alex Trebek ............................ Voice of Himself

Derek Jeter .............................. Himself

Bernie Williams ........................ Himself

Lawrence A. Mandley ............. Larry the Cook

Fern Fitzgerald ........................ Ms. Wilkie

Noelle Balfour ......................... Waitress

Kyle Gass ................................. Smoker

Judy Kerr ................................ Woman

David Letterman ..................... Himself (uncredited)

rc: Phil Morris .......................... Jackie Chiles

==================================================================

[Jerry and George are sitting outside.]

GEORGE: Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.

JERRY: Why are we flyin' over the Andes?

GEORGE: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?

JERRY: Kramer.

GEORGE: So fast? What about me?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.

JERRY: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.

GEORGE: Well I would eat you.

JERRY: That's very nice, I guess.

GEORGE: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.

JERRY: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.

GEORGE: Thank you.

JERRY: Can I have a piece of that?

GEORGE: No.

[George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.]

LOUISE: George, I can't have sex.

GEORGE: With me or in general?

LOUISE: I went to the doctor today. I have mono.

GEORGE: Nucleosis.

LOUISE: Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.

GEORGE: No, no, pff...

LOUISE: How long is this not gonna be a problem for me?

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: Six weeks?

GEORGE: Yeah, six weeks.

JERRY: Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.

GEORGE: I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.

JERRY: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?

GEORGE: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.

JERRY: What guys?

GEORGE: Like us. (Elaine enters)

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: So it's just mono.

ELAINE: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.

JERRY: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.

ELAINE: No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.

JERRY: Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.

GEORGE: No something is bunk and then you debunk it.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Huh?

GEORGE: I think. (Pause as they all look down)

ELAINE: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)

JERRY: Hello?

KATIE: Jerry.

JERRY: Oh hi, Katie.

KATIE: Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.

JERRY: I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.

KATIE: Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry.

JERRY: Yes, all right, Katie.

KATIE: Sorry for the late notice.

JERRY: Yes, bye.

KATIE: You're the-- (He hangs up)

GEORGE: They asked you to do career day?

JERRY: Yeah, it's no big deal.

GEORGE: Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series.

JERRY: And you were integral.

[Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.]

TEACHER: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.

JERRY: I'm on next, right?

TEACHER: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...

JERRY: The guy with the lizard.

TEACHER: Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love him. And we're outta time.

[Hear kids from the classroom all say "Eww!"]

TEACHER: So can you come back tomorrow?

JERRY: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?

[Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.]

ELAINE: So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake?

BEN: I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you.

BEN: Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam.

ELAINE: When do you take this exam?

BEN: I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one.

ELAINE: Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor.

BEN: Well, um...

ELAINE: Well, can I introduce you as doctor?

BEN: Yeah.

ELAINE: All right, that's all I wanted to know.

[George and Louise sitting on his couch. He touches her leg.]

LOUISE: Mono. (George removes hand)

[Jerry and George at Monk's.]

GEORGE: It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.

JERRY: So you're enjoying the not enjoying.

GEORGE: you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.

JERRY: I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy. How was career day?

JERRY: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.

GEORGE: You got bumped from career day?

JERRY: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.

KRAMER: They're trying to screw with your head.

JERRY: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?

KRAMER: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

(Kramer lights cigar.)

GEORGE: Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.

KRAMER: No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)

LARRY: Take it outside.

KRAMER: Come on, Larry. You know me.

LARRY: It bothers people, and it's against the law.

JERRY: You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people.

[Outside Monk's, Kramer sees man smoking.]

KRAMER: What, did they kick you out too?

MAN: Yeah, they kicked us all out.

[At Jerry's junior high school, Jerry is outside classroom with teacher.]

TEACHER: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker?

JERRY: No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about?

TEACHER: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!

JERRY: But I was promised this slot.

TEACHER: Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)

[At Jerry's apartment, George is sitting on couch, watching Jeopardy and playing with a Rubik's cube while Jerry is talking to him.]

JERRY: Fire drill, can you believe that?

GEORGE: What is Pericles?

ALEX TREBEK: Pericles is correct.

JERRY: Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, you got any matches?

JERRY: Middle drawer.

GEORGE: Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

ALEX TREBEK: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'

KRAMER: Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)

JERRY: Hello?

KATIE: Jerry.

JERRY: Oh hi, Katie.

KATIE: I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.

JERRY: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.

GEORGE: What is Borax?

ALEX TREBEK: Yes, you're right.

KATIE: They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Ashtrays?

JERRY: No, I don't have any ashtrays.

KRAMER: Ooh, cereal bowls.

KATIE: Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.

JERRY: No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)

KRAMER: All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)

GEORGE: What is Tungsten or Wolfram?

ALEX TREBEK: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.

JERRY: Is this a repeat?

GEORGE: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.

JERRY: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.

GEORGE: You think?

JERRY: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)

GEORGE: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Need some more matches.

JERRY: What is goin' on in there?

KRAMER: I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.

JERRY: Why?

KRAMER: Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.

JERRY: It doesn't?

KRAMER: Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: Yeah.

[Elaine and Ben are at Monk's.]

ELAINE: So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?

BEN: I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with a man)

ELAINE: Oh my God.

BEN: What's wrong?

ELAINE: It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)

SUE ELLEN: Elaine? Hi.

ELAINE: Oh hi, Sue Ellen.

SUE ELLEN: Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.

ELAINE: Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.

BEN: Well, I'm an intern.

ELAINE: Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.

WOMAN: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?

ELAINE: Well, there's a doctor right here.

BEN: No there's not.

ELAINE: Can't you at least tell him what to do?

BEN: Like what?

SUE ELLEN: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?

BEN: Right. Elevate your legs!

[Elaine is giving Larry the cook flowers.]

ELAINE: I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped.

LARRY: I thought he was a doctor.

ELAINE: Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)

GEORGE: Of course. Absolute zero!

ELAINE: What? What is with all these books?

GEORGE: I stopped having sex.

[Outside of Kramer and Jerry's apartments. A bunch of people are in the hall, which is filled with smoke.]

KRAMER: All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey.

JERRY: Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)

KATIE: Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone.

JERRY: I was out.

KATIE: Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.

JERRY: An assembly?

KATIE: Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--

JERRY: I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?

KATIE: And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James.

JERRY: Superfreak?

KATIE: Yes.

[Elaine is sitting on her couch with Ben.]

ELAINE: What is your answer to number 74?

BEN: Medobolic acidosis.

ELAINE: No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!

BEN: Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.

ELAINE: Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.

[George and Yankees Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams are at the ballpark.]

GEORGE: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated.

JETER: Now who are you again?

GEORGE: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

WILLIAMS: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

GEORGE: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

JETER: We won the World Series.

GEORGE: In six games.

[Elaine, Jerry, and George sitting at Monk's Cafe.]

JERRY: ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.

GEORGE: Nine minutes.

JERRY: How am I gonna fill two hours?

GEORGE: Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.

JERRY: And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table)

WAITRESS: More coffee?

GEORGE: Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent?

WAITRESS: Si

GEORGE: Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.

WAITRESS: Mute pragalas senor

GEORGE: Eh, don't mention it.

ELAINE: Portuguese?

GEORGE: Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up.

ELAINE: How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?

JERRY: Are you all right?

ELAINE: I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good.

JERRY: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.

ELAINE: What? What are you talking about?

JERRY: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.

ELAINE: I don't understand.

JERRY: Exactly.

[Jerry's apartment. Kramer enters smoking.]

KRAMER: Hey buddy.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.

JERRY: What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.

KRAMER: What? (Kramer checks it out.) My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.

JERRY: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?

KRAMER: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.

JERRY: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.

KRAMER: Look away, I'm hideous.

[Kramer exits. Cut to Elaine's.

ELAINE: Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank.

BEN: Pooh!

ELAINE: Pooh...(laughing)

BEN: No, it's Winnie the Pooh.

[George's apartment. George is looking through a microscope.]

LOUISE: So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.

[Monk's]

JERRY: So what did you do?

GEORGE: I told her I would have to think about it.

JERRY: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?

GEORGE: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.

JERRY: You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances.

GEORGE: Simple joke from a simple man.

JERRY: So you're never gonna have sex again?

GEORGE: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.

JERRY: So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?

GEORGE: Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.

JERRY: I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks.

[Jackie Chiles is on the phone in his office.]

JACKIE: My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu.

(Kramer enters.)

JACKIE: Oh no.

(Jackie hangs up phone.)

KRAMER: Jackie we gotta talk.

JACKIE: No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.

KRAMER: But Jackie--

JACKIE: I said out.

KRAMER: Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.

JACKIE: The who?

KRAMER: The tobacco companies.

JACKIE: I've been wanting a piece of them for years.

[Cut to Elaine being mesmerized by a rotating tire.]

[Back to Chiles' office.]

JACKIE: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?

KRAMER: No, it didn't say anything.

JACKIE: So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting.

KRAMER: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?

JACKIE: Your face is my case.

[Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: How ya doin'?

ELAINE: Not good. I'm a moron.

JERRY: Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.

ELAINE: Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes?

JERRY: What for? Oh come on.

ELAINE: I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.

JERRY: I think it has something to do with me.

ELAINE: You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.

JERRY: (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.

ELAINE: Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?

[George and Louise sit at Monk's while George is doing all sorts of scientific experiments and such.]

GEORGE: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--

LOUISE: George, I have to have sex.

GEORGE: I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.

LOUISE: Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)

GEORGE: What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches)

WAITRESS: Mas Café?

GEORGE: Si, por favor.

[Kramer, and Jackie begin to discuss their to tobacco representative, Ms. Wilkie.]

JACKIE: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.

KRAMER: Who could love me?

WILKIE: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.

JACKIE: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.

WILKIE: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits)

KRAMER: Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.

JACKIE: You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement.

[Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: Congratulations! You passed!

BEN: Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other anymore.

ELAINE: What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor?

BEN: I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.

ELAINE: Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?

[Backstage at the junior high's auditorium.]

KATIE: Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.

GEORGE: I got lost on the way over.

JERRY: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.

GEORGE: What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.

JERRY: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!

GEORGE: No, the Portuguese waitress.

JERRY: The Portuguese waitress?

GEORGE: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

KATIE: George, George, you're on.

GEORGE: No, no. I'm not going on.

JERRY: Then what'd you come down here for?

GEORGE: Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.

JERRY: It's good to have you back.

KATIE: One of you has to go on.

JERRY: All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos)

[Jackie and Kramer in a cab.]

KRAMER: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.

JACKIE: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.

KRAMER: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.

JACKIE: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.

KRAMER: She made an offer. I took it.

JACKIE: How much?

KRAMER: No, no, no. There was no money.

JACKIE: No money? Then what'd we get?

KRAMER: Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it)

JACKIE: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

[Jerry talking on the phone with David Letterman.]

JERRY: Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?

JERRY: Actually, it was a **.

LETTERMAN: those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?

JERRY: Jerry.

LETTERMAN: Right. Jerry.

The End

S8E10 - The Andrea Doria

Broadcast date: December 19, 1996

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Tom Gallop ............................. Alan

Ray Stricklyn .......................... Clarence

Diana Bellamy ......................... Mrs. Ricardi

Rick Hall ................................. Vet

Carl Banks ............................. Policeman #1

Barry Cutler .......................... Policeman #2

Kev O'Neil ............................. Waiter

Ossie Mair ............................. Driver

Fred Pinkard ......................... Old Man

Rene Weisser ........................ Ex-Girlfriend

Brian Blondell ........................ Dog Guy

Theresa Mulligan .................. Woman

Florinel Fatulescu .................. Stand Owner

rc: Wayne Knight .................. Newman

rc: Estelle Harris .................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Jerry Stiller ........................ Frank Costanza

==================================================================

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts into the room)

GEORGE: Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!

JERRY: (Gets up) Get out!

GEORGE: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.

JERRY: (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine?

GEORGE: (Definite) Oh yeah.

JERRY: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?

GEORGE: You know what? it's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)

JERRY: She's out.

GEORGE: (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.

JERRY: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.

GEORGE: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.

JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.

GEORGE: (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles)

JERRY: (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.

GEORGE: (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit)

[Setting: Manhattan Mini-storage]

(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)

JERRY: (Disgusted) What is with that?!

KRAMER: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air)

JERRY: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.

JERRY: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.

KRAMER: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again)

(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)

JERRY: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?

KRAMER: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.

[Setting: George's new apartment]

(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)

RICARDI: Excuse me, George? (H1)

GEORGE: (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off)

RICARDI: (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association.

GEORGE: Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball

tward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her)

RICARDI: No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.

GEORGE: (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me.

RICARDI: Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him.

GEORGE: (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)

RICARDI: (Correcting) Shipwreck.

GEORGE: I remember.. (Leaves)

[Setting: Restaurant]

(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's thinking to herself)

ELAINE: Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals".. huh.

(A waiter approaches)

WAITER: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?

ELAINE: Yeah?

WAITER: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.

ELAINE: (Shocked) Stabbed?!

WAITER: More bread?

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?

ELAINE: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!

JERRY: Did you find out who stabbed him?

ELAINE: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.

JERRY: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.

ELAINE: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen)

JERRY AND ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)

JERRY: There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.

KRAMER: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.

JERRY: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?

KRAMER: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!

(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. How's the new place?!

GEORGE: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..

ELAINE: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?

JERRY: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.

ELANE: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.

JERRY: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.

GEORGE: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..

ELAINE: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.

KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his tongue)

(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)

GEORGE: How do you know?

KRAMER: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died.

GEORGE: 51 people?! That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!

KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.

GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. Kramer grabs his food, and follows)

KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks"

(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same)

JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?

KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)

(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)

JERRY: Newman?

NEWMAN: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.

JERRY: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit.

NEWMAN: Sometimes we don't get what we want.

JERRY: (Confused) What are you talking about?

NEWMAN: I didn't get my transfer.

JERRY: "Transfer"?

NEWMAN: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up.

JERRY: You quit the post office?

NEWMAN: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.

JERRY: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.

NEWMAN: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.

JERRY: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)

[Setting: Central Park]

(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops the man)

KRAMER: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh?

MAN: What cough?

(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing to the dog)

[Setting: Restaurant]

(Elaine's on a date with Alan)

ELAINE: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)

ALAN: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy.

ELAINE: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?

ALAN: Just.. one of those things, you know.

ELAINE: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?

ALAN: I don't know. Could be.

(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's table)

CAROL: Alan?!

ALAN: Carol?

(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain)

ELAINE: (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!

ALAN: (Between screams) No, that was a different girl.

(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?

ELAINE: Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.

JERRY: Mmm.. Bad how?

ELAINE: (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.

JERRY: (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?

ELAINE: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.

JERRY: (Agreeing) What's more important?

(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both get into sort of a shrug-off)

[Setting: NYC Street]

(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)

KRAMER: (Between coughs) Hey.

GEORGE: What's with the dog?

KRAMER: (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)

GEORGE: Oh..

(Smuckers coughs)

KRAMER: (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.

GEORGE: A vet?

KRAMER: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops snapping) - all on the same day.

GEORGE: So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine?

KRAMER: (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.

[Setting: George's apartment building]

(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)

GEORGE: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.

ELDRIDGE: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.

GEORGE: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)

ELDRIDGE: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.

GEORGE: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.

ELDRIDGE: The boat sank.

GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him)

GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!

[Setting: Vet's office]

(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)

VET: What are the symptoms?

KRAMER: Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it.

VET: Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet?

KRAMER: (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..

[Setting: Coffee shop]

ALAN: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?

ELAINE: (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date.

ALAN: (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.

ELAINE: (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good.

ALAN: Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. (Gets up to leave)

ELAINE: Pardon?

ALAN: You got a big head. It's too big for your body. (Walks for the door)

ELAINE: (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!

JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".

GEORGE: (Interested) I should!

JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.

GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!

JERRY: You're the man!

(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's standing in the doorway)

NEWMAN: Jerry!

JERRY: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?

GEORGE: Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)

JERRY: (Angered) Hello.. Newman.

NEWMAN: (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!

JERRY: What's the difference?

NEWMAN: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!

JERRY: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.

NEWMAN: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.

JERRY: You're giving up that easy?

NEWMAN: I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.

JERRY: (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!

NEWMAN: (Intrigued) What are you proposing?

JERRY: (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!

NEWMAN: An alliance?

JERRY: (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)

ELAINE: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?

JERRY: (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys.

ELAINE: Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me "big head".

JERRY: "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment.

ELAINE: (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)

JERRY: Hello?

GEORGE: (On the other line) Hey.

JERRY: Hey, George.

GEORGE: Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.

JERRY: You can't make it?

GEORGE: Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.

JERRY: Alright. (Hangs up)

ELAINE: Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?

JERRY: (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

ELAINE: (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of Kramer's coughs, then walks off)

JERRY: Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible.

JERRY: (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.

KRAMER: (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender.

JERRY: Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog)

KRAMER: I don't want to!

(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently - much like a dog would)

JERRY: C'mon. Just sit down!

KRAMER: (Squirming) Jerry! What?!

JERRY: Sit down! Sit down!

KRAMER: (Struggling) Hey!

JERRY: Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!

(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up)

JERRY: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog pills!

KRAMER: Whe have the same symptoms.

JERRY: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.

KRAMER: No, no. No doctors.

JERRY: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)

KRAMER: Where are you going?

JERRY: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?

KRAMER: I don't know..

JERRY: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!

(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows Kramer out)

[Setting: Taxi cab]

(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)

DRIVER: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?

ELAINE: What?

DRIVER: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and forehead can be seen) Thank you.

[Setting: Jerry's car]

(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows - just as a dog would)

KRAMER: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor!

[Setting: Coffee shop]

(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)

GEORGE: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..

ESTELLE: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables.

FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.

ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!

FRANK: Order a hot dish.

ESTELLE: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table)

FRANK: (Yelling) That's not a booth!

ESTELLE: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!

FRANK: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table)

ESTELLE: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!

(A moment passes)

GEORGE: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.

FRANK: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?

GEORGE: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.

FRANK: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?

[Setting: NYC Street]

(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer refuses to get out of the car)

JERRY: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!

KRAMER: No, Jerry!

JERRY: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)

KRAMER: No! Don't!

(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street)

JERRY: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!

[Setting: Tenant board room]

(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)

ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.

RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.

(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)

JERRY: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?

NEWMAN: Kramer bit me!

JERRY: Bit you?!

NEWMAN: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days!

JERRY: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?

NEWMAN: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!

JERRY: Well, why not?

NEWMAN: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..

JERRY: What am I gonna wear?

NEWMAN: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.

JERRY: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!

(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner brooming the sidewalk)

JERRY: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!

OWNER: Mail on Sunday?

JERRY: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)

[Setting: Tenant board room]

(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)

GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)

JERRY: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".

NEWMAN: "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)

JERRY: What?

NEWMAN: That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!

JERRY: How did they know?!

NEWMAN: (Stands up) Too many people go their mail! Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!

JERRY: (Pleading) I tried my best!

NEWMAN: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office badge from Jerry's coat)

JERRY: You know, this is your coat.

NEWMAN: (Realizing) Damn!

[Setting: Central park]

(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on the bench is staring in awe)

MAN 2: He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it.

ELAINE: (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?

MAN 2: Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head..

(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

GEORGE: It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.

JERRY: Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?

GEORGE: They're making their decision today.

(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something)

JERRY: What's the matter with you?

ELAINE: Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down)

JERRY: What giant freak-head?

ELAINE: (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!

JERRY: So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands!

ELAINE: (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or jam a fork into his forehead.

JERRY: (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.

ELAINE: (Getting up to leave) Alright.

[Setting: Restaurant]

ALAN: I want to apologize for..

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.

ALAN: So you have a big head.

ELAINE: (Casually playing along) So what?

ALAN: It goes well with that bump in your nose.

ELAINE: (Suddenly angry) What?!

(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)

WOMAN: Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry!

(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before he can tell them the urgent message, he starts coughing uncontrollably)

COP: Boy, that's some cough you got there.

(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)

COP 2: No, I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come on.

(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following him)

[Setting: George's apartment building]

(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)

GEORGE: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?

ALAN: I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They shake hands)

GEORGE: What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?!

ALAN: Yeah.

GEORGE: Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)

ALAN: Oh, fork in the forehead.

GEORGE: That's why they gave you the apartment?

ALAN: No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery!

ALAN: Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George)

(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like Elaine and her head)

The End

S8E11 - The Little Jerry

Broadcast date: January 9, 1997

Written by Jennifer Crittenden

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

John Michael Higgins ........ Kurt

Miguel Sandoval ................. Marcelino

Andrea Bendewald ............ Celia

Kathryn Joosten ................ Betsy

Paul Perri ............................. Detective Banner (Detective #1)

Al White .............................. Detective Udewitz (Detective #2)

Ray Proscia ......................... Prison Guard

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan ................. Helen Seinfeld

==================================================================

[Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.]

JERRY: So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?

JERRY: Five minutes.

ELAINE: Five minutes? That's it?

JERRY: What's the difference? You never showed up.

ELAINE: I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.

JERRY: Well, we barely knew the guy.

ELAINE: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.

JERRY: That's the way it works.

ELAINE: When did you tell George to be here?

JERRY: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?

ELAINE: About five.

JERRY: That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.)

GEORGE (looks at his watch): Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.

[Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.]

KRAMER: So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.

JERRY: How did you know about that?

KRAMER: Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.

JERRY: He can't do that.

KRAMER (sternly): It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself.

(George enters and sits down.)

GEORGE: Fantastic day! Fantastic!

JERRY: What happened?

GEORGE: (laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.

JERRY: Fantastic.

GEORGE: Then, I'm at The Foundation...

JERRY: You're still doing that?

GEORGE: Sometimes, once in a while.

JERRY: When you feel guilty.

GEORGE: No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation, to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.

KRAMER: That's caged heat.

GEORGE: Yeah-hah!

JERRY: What are you gonna do there?

GEORGE: Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?

JERRY: Yes, I know, I know.

GEORGE: I noticed you eh, chose the eh "clowns with balloons" check design.

JERRY: It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones.

(Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.)

ELAINE: Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.

KURT: Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.

KRAMER: Yes! These are sweatshop eggs.

(Kramer gets up to leave by climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor, then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked in his collar.)

KURT (to Elaine): Ah, I gotta call the office. Honey, will you order for me?

ELAINE (sitting down): I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?

JERRY: Is he from the future?

ELAINE: No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.

GEORGE: Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts.

ELAINE: What? Clinging to some scraps?

GEORGE: These are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once Great Society of Hair.

ELAINE: Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check!

[The Bodega, starts with a shot of Marcelino's cash register with Jerry's clown check attached under a sign that reads "checks no longer accepted from:".]

Check #1246, dated Dec. 15 ‘96, Made out to: Columbus Deli for $40.00

City Trust and Savings Bank, Main Branch, Corner Third and Main -- numbers at the bottom of the check - routing #2327619641 271098 Account #315319510)

JERRY: Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.

MARCELINO: People seem to like the clowns.

JERRY (takes out his wallet): Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble.

MARCELINO: 'Kay.

JERRY (turning to leave): Aren't you going to take the check down?

MARCELINO: Sorry, no. It's store policy.

JERRY: But it's your bodega.

MARCELINO: Even I am not above the policy.

(Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.)

[George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden."]

BETSY: Those are our tennis courts.

GEORGE: Tennis courts? W-w-what about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?

BETSY: There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility.

GEORGE: Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"?

BETSY: No.

GEORGE (to himself): This prison stinks.

BETSY: And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.

CELIA: Nice to meet you.

BETSY: I'll be in my office if you need me.

GEORGE: Thanks, Warden.

BETSY (sweetly): Betsy.

GEORGE (disappointed): Betsy.

CELIA: So, are you the head of the foundation?

GEORGE: Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So you two uh, shop at the same store, (hu)?

CELIA: No, it's standard issue.

GEORGE: Oh my God...You're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool!

[Jerry's apartment later that day.]

JERRY: You asked her out?

GEORGE: Well...not "out." She's a prisoner.

JERRY: How could you ask her out?

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!

GEORGE: That was different!

JERRY: I'll say.

GEORGE: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. An-and you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?

JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.

GEORGE: Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well...

JERRY: Conjugal visit?

GEORGE (giddy): Don't jinx it! Don't jinx (trails off quietly in elation)

(Kramer enters carrying a couple plastic grocery bags.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

KRAMER: What's up?

JERRY: George is dating a convict.

KRAMER: Oh? What's she in for? (putting groceries in the fridge)

GEORGE: Embezzlement.

KRAMER (approvingly): Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.

JERRY: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

KRAMER: Well, not here.

(Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag of chicken feed.)

KRAMER: Okay (lifting the bag and carrying it into the apt.)

JERRY: Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

KRAMER: Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)

JERRY: I sense something is afoot.

(Kramer closes the fridge and brushes hands together 3 times, done with his task)

KRAMER: Yeah, I bought a chicken.

(Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.)

GEORGE: Allow me. Why?

KRAMER: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

(George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.)

JERRY: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

KRAMER: No (throws hand in the air and turns and looks back at Jerry)

[Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a delivery guy for some food.]

KURT: Hold it, hold it, hold it, here, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.)

ELAINE: Hm. (looking at Kurt's driver's license photo) Hey, driver's license. Oh...my God.

KURT: What?

ELAINE: Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.

KURT: Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it.

ELAINE: Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean wi..with you under it? (Kurt shrugs.)

[Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing.]

JERRY: (sits up in bed) Oh what...

( Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door - he is bleary-eyed. Quiet clucking can be heard through the door. Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm. )

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry loves the morning.

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.

JERRY: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not, a chicken.

KRAMER: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.

JERRY: Well, you picked out a rooster.

KRAMER: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

(Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...The rooster quietly clucks a bit more)

[George visiting Celia at the prison. They sit together at a table outside.]

CELIA: This was fun.

GEORGE: Yeah. I had a great time.

GUARD: Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.

GEORGE: The whole hour just flew by. (laughs - hehe) (Begins cleaning up the table.)

GUARD: I'll get that.

GEORGE: Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.

CELIA: Yeah. Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you.

GEORGE: Of course you will. (quick chuckle). You're the best. (with a light fist motion across her chin)

CELIA: Hmm

[Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.]

JERRY: Hello?

HELEN (in Florida with Morty): Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems?

JERRY: I'm not having money problems.

HELEN: Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising.

MORTY: He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!

JERRY: I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine!

(George enters.)

HELEN: That's it. I'm gonna to send you fifty dollars.

JERRY: You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!

HELEN: We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope.

JERRY (angrily): I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!

MORTY: I don't see envelopes!

HELEN: They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) Show you...

JERRY: Ma! Ma! MAAA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) Oh, ahhhh (sighs quietly)

GEORGE: How're the folks?

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: So? Movie tonight?

JERRY: I thought you were going out with Celia?

GEORGE: I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!

JERRY: Having her in jail.

GEORGE: The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.

JERRY: Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's license to Jerry.) Take a look at that.

JERRY: Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.

ELAINE: No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair.

(George overhears and stands up, concerned.)

JERRY: So he just shaves his head for no reason?

GEORGE: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

ELAINE: And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. (clutches the photo between her hands and to her chest then looks at it again)

JERRY: It's just hair.

ELAINE: It's not just hair! Look!

(Shows Kurt's license to Jerry again.)

JERRY: It's brown.

ELAINE: It's chestnut with auburn highlights!

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is.

(They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and struggling to keep his composure.)

ELAINE: I'm sorry, George, but it's true.

GEORGE (close to tears): I knew it.

[Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on a leash. The rooster is clucking. He goes into Marcelino's]

MARCELINO: Hey, Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah (quietly)

MARCELINO: Nice rooster.

KRAMER: Yeah (again quietly)

MARCELINO: What's his name?

KRAMER: Ah, well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.

MARCELINO: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs)

KRAMER: Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?

MARCELINO: Sorry Kramer, can't help you.

(A guy walks into the bodega with his little dog. The dog (barks - ruff ruff) and Little Jerry get into a tussle (the dog cries) and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.')

KRAMER: Hey, hey Jerry, come on. Sorry.

MARCELINO (impressed): I like the way he handles himself.

KRAMER: Oh yeah (quietly)

(Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer realizes it and turns him around the right way -- petting Little Jerry as he clucks and flaps his wings)

[Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.]

ELAINE: Ohhh, it's coming in already!

KURT: Yeah (quietly)

ELAINE: Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh...

KURT: What?

ELAINE: Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.

KURT: What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.)

ELAINE: Well, I don't know... h- how long have you been shaving your head for?

KURT (from the bedroom): About three years.

ELAINE: Huh.

KURT: Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald!

[George and Celia in the prison library.]

CELIA: George! I'm so glad to see you!

GEORGE: Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice.

CELIA: Good news - I'm up for parole.

GEORGE: Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!

[Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: So Marcelino's going to take down the check?

KRAMER: Yeah, Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.

JERRY: Great! (realizing) What?

KRAMER: Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.

JERRY: Ah ha...

KRAMER: Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.

JERRY: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.

KRAMER: Only in The United States.

JERRY: It's inhumane!

KRAMER: No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.

JERRY: It's two roosters peckin' at each other!

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Yeah!

KRAMER: Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators."

JERRY: No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I left him with Marcelino!

(Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.)

KRAMER: My Little Jerry! (Runs out.)

JERRY: Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?

KRAMER: Oh well, he's more than O.K., he won!

JERRY: You let him fight?

KRAMER: Yeah, well I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.

JERRY: How long do they usually last?

KRAMER: Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.

JERRY: Great!

(George walks in.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Celia's up for parole.

KRAMER: Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Who?

(They both look at Jerry.)

JERRY: I'm too tired.

KRAMER (to Jerry): O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.

JERRY: O.K. (Kramer leaves.)

GEORGE (sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.

JERRY: Ah, I'm so sorry.

GEORGE: She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...

JERRY: In other words, a normal relationship.

GEORGE: Heh, haa. And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.

JERRY: Well, she'll still be an ex-con.

GEORGE: It's not the same.

JERRY: Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something.

[Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?

KURT: I don't care.

ELAINE: You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.

KURT: Oh yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.

ELAINE: You already ate?

KURT: It's from yesterday.

[Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.]

MARCELINO: Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.

JERRY: Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!

MARCELINO: Now we have a new deal.

JERRY: New deal?

MARCELINO: When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.

JERRY: This is Outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.

MARCELINO (tosses the gum on the counter): 85 cents.

JERRY: 85 cents? That is Outrageous!

[Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.

KRAMER: Well, that's out of the question.

JERRY: But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.

KRAMER: Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!

JERRY: No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!

KRAMER: You know, I think you're jealous.

JERRY: Of what?

KRAMER (points at Jerry like he's found him out): Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

JERRY: Kramer, give me that rooster!

KRAMER: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)

[George in Betsy's office at the prison.]

BETSY: George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in, her getting paroled.

GEORGE: Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very eh...crafty.

BETSY: Does she have any plans after she's released?

GEORGE: Plans. Schemes. She ah, she keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends, you know - "the gang," as she likes to call them (chuckles), you know. Yeah, they're eh, they're hatching something, you can count on that.

[Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.]

MARCELINO: Jerry! Tomorrow night's fight-night. Where's my rooster?

JERRY: Kramer won't sell.

MARCELINO: Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway.

JERRY: Oh well, thank you, Marcelino.

MARCELINO: Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event.

JERRY: You want Little Jerry to take a dive?

MARCELINO: Shhh, not so loud.

JERRY: First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.

MARCELINO: Can, too!

JERRY: Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave.

MARCELINO (leaving): Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.

JERRY: We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!

KRAMER: O.K.!

[Kurt at George's apartment.]

KURT: Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to.

GEORGE (examining Kurt's head with a lamp): Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this.

KURT: Oh, God.

GEORGE: No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now.

KURT: Happy? Why should I be happy?

GEORGE: You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.

KURT: Who will I be?

(George points at himself. Kurt shudders.)

KURT: How long do I have?

GEORGE (solemnly): 14 months. Maybe 10.

KURT: Is there anything I can do?

GEORGE: Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me.

(George answers the door. Celia enters.)

GEORGE: Celia? W-w-what are you doing here?

CELIA: Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out.

GEORGE (nervously): And-and you just decided to pop in...!

[Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.]

ELAINE: Kurt!

KURT: Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me?

(Elaine is shocked.)

[Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry for his cockfight.]

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy he's lookin' good, huh Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?

KRAMER: I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Kramer...?

(Kramer looks at Jerry.)

JERRY: Be careful.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!

GEORGE: Is that good?

JERRY: I don't know. Where have you been?

GEORGE: Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!

JERRY: Oh my God! “The break-out/pop-in!”

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime -

JERRY (interrupts): George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.)

[Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.]

ELAINE: Hey hey Kurt, slow down! I can't just marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time...

KURT: Plus, you want to get to know me.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, that too.

KURT: Well, how much time?

ELAINE: (sighs Wa-ah) I don't know...a year?

KURT: No, no, no...it has to be now.

ELAINE: (sighs ahh) Could I see the ring again?

[Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back of Marcelino's store.]

JERRY (to Elaine): So, you're actually considering it?

ELAINE: Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.

JERRY: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.

ELAINE: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

(George comes over.)

GEORGE: Oh, hey, sorry I'm late.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Sorry I'm late.

JERRY: Where's Celia?

GEORGE: She didn't want to come, she-she's not really into sports.

JERRY: hmm. (nodding head)

(Kramer comes over with Little Jerry.)

JERRY: Hey, how's he doin'?

KRAMER: Ohh, He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents.

JERRY (opens the envelope): Fifty dollars. I Don't Believe This!

KRAMER: There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.)

JERRY: Look at the size of his bird!

KRAMER: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.

[Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.]

KURT: Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life.

CELIA: No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet.

KURT: Ah, damn.

(Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.)

DETECTIVE #1 (to Kurt): Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here.

CELIA: Aw, man!

DETECTIVE #2 (to Kurt): Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive.

KURT (laughs): I'm not George Costanza.

DETECTIVE #2: Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.)

[Cut back to the cockfight.]

ELAINE (to a woman at the fight): Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!

JERRY: He's a ringer!

GEORGE: Where's the tamale guy?

(The bell rings, and the cockfight begins. Dramatic music. The white rooster is dropped into the ring.)

KRAMER: Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.

(A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now happens in slow-motion.)

KRAMER (lunging for Little Jerry): Lit _ tle Jer _ ry!

JERRY: Kra _ mer!

ELAINE: Stop _ the _ fight!

GEORGE (holds up one finger): Ta _ mal _ e!

(Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming from inside the ring.)

KRAMER: Ahhh, uh, uh, uh, ohuh, aaaa ouh au au au ah ah (more pecking) ah, ah, ah, Ah.

(Elaine put he hands over her eyes and face as she turns into Jerry, who is grimacing. George looks on at the spectacle in the ring, from behind Jerry and Elaine.)

[Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the glass.]

ELAINE: Why? Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!

KURT: They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. And I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I, slugged him.

ELAINE: So, how long are you gonna be in here for?

KURT: Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10?

ELAINE: (sighs) So 10 to 14 months.

KURT: Yeah.

(Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops it in the tray, pushes the tray close button and leaves. Kurt holds up the ring watching her, and looks with a subdued expression.)

The End

S8E12 - The Money

Broadcast date: January 16, 1997

Written by Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Sarah Silverman .................... Emily

Leon W. Grant ..................... Counterperson

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Jerry Stiller ...................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

rc:  Sandy Baron ................... Jack Klompus

==================================================================

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking. They're both looking very satisfied and smiling.(

KRAMER: Well, that was alright, huh?

EMILY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Well, um, goodnight.

EMILY: Goodnight.

(Kramer rolls over to go to sleep. The bedside clock reads 12:30. Emily snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't look comfortable with this.)

[Kramer's Apartment, Later]

(The clock reads 3:31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. Beside him, Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. One hand is on the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm runs across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at being awakened.)

KRAMER: (quietly, to himself) Look at this.

(He picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind his head, only for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across his face. Kramer looks unhappy at the disturbance.)

[Kramer's Apartment, Later Still]

(The clock reads 5:11. A wide awake Kramer is right over to the edge of the bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries to carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his weight, he slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily rolls into the space vacated, continuing to sleep.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage.)

HELEN: Jerry, we can only stay four days.

JERRY: Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it.

(Morty and Helen remove their coats.)

MORTY: Helen, did you pack my travel gym?

HELEN: Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought a exercise device off the television. He does it every morning at four.

MORTY: Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.

JERRY: Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire.

(Jerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents sit on the couch.)

HELEN: Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something.

(Jerry reenters.)

JERRY: Am I finally getting a baby brother?

HELEN: Jerry, be serious.

MORTY: How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?

JERRY: What? The Cadillac I bought for you?

MORTY: It's too much car, Jerry.

JERRY: Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system?

MORTY: I don't think we even use it.

JERRY: Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it.

HELEN: We already sold it.

JERRY: Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it?

MORTY: Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now.

HELEN: Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.

JERRY: (exasperated) Ugh.

(Jerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: (to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out.

JERRY: Kramer.

KRAMER: No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) Heyy! Seinfelds.

HELEN: Hi Kramer.

MORTY: Hiya Kramer.

JERRY: We're in the middle of a discussion here.

KRAMER: Oh yeah? What about?

HELEN: Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.

KRAMER: What'd you get for it?

MORTY: Jack Klompus gave us six grand.

(Kramer whistles, impressed)

JERRY: You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?

(Morty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket.)

MORTY: (trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the money.

JERRY: (getting worked up) I don't need the money.

MORTY: What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega.

JERRY: (animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?!

HELEN: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.

(Helen passes the clipping to Jerry.)

KRAMER: Yeah, that def jam is a force.

HELEN: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.

JERRY: (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.

KRAMER: Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

(Jerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back.)

[Fresh Roasted Coffee Store]

(Jerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his beans from the guy behind the counter.)

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please.

(The counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order.)

ELAINE: So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work?

GEORGE: I'm going to the bathroom.

(George leaves.)

ELAINE: Just, very interesting.

JERRY: Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.

(The guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over.)

COUNTERPERSON: Arabian mocha java?

ELAINE: (looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it.

(Elaine takes the bag and pays for it.)

JERRY: That Arabian is strong coffee.

ELAINE: It's PLO blend.

(George rejoins the gang.)

ELAINE: Ohh, I got your coffee.

(Elaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for his pocket.)

GEORGE: Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...

ELAINE: (waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see you, okay? (begins to walk away)

GEORGE: Yeah.

ELAINE: Bye.

GEORGE: Mmm.

(Elaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when George stops him.)

GEORGE: You see what just happened here?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.

JERRY: And you misinterpret this how?

GEORGE: She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.

JERRY: I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.

GEORGE: No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.

JERRY: You're crazy.

GEORGE: (worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.

JERRY: George.

GEORGE: (angry) Stickin' it!

(George walks off, pulling an angry face.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George sit in a booth.)

GEORGE: So you're buying the car back for your parents?

JERRY: I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.

GEORGE: Your parents'll never let you do it.

JERRY: They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.

GEORGE: What kind of money you think your parents have?

JERRY: Excuse me?

GEORGE: I bet they have more money than mine.

JERRY: Come on, your parents have money.

GEORGE: You think?

JERRY: When did they ever spend any money?

GEORGE: Never.

JERRY: What are their living expenses?

GEORGE: Nothing.

JERRY: Where do they ever go on vacation?

GEORGE: Nowhere.

(Jerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George.)

GEORGE: How much money d'you think they have?

JERRY: Few hundred grand?

GEORGE: (excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!

JERRY: Course you may not see it for twenty years.

GEORGE: Twenty years? That long?

JERRY: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

GEORGE: Fortunately, yes.

JERRY: How's your family history?

GEORGE: I have an aunt that died at seven.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: Aunt Baby.

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets standing in for Peterman as president. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?

ELAINE: Yeah, Kramer, come on in.

KRAMER: I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems.

(Kramer sits in front of Elaine's desk.)

ELAINE: (unsure) Oh-kay.

KRAMER: (a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I don't want her in the bed any more.

ELAINE: Ah.

KRAMER: Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy legs.

ELAINE: (confused) Jimmy legs?

(Kramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration.)

KRAMER: Jimmy leg.

ELAINE: (grasping the concept) Ohh.

KRAMER: So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh?

ELAINE: Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there?

KRAMER: Well, I'd say it nicely.

ELAINE: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing...

ELAINE: (interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.

KRAMER: Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady.

ELAINE: (pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out.

(Kramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of the desk. He rises and begins to head for the door.)

ELAINE: (impatient) Get out!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword, respectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase.)

JERRY: So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's.

MORTY: You just heard about this today?

JERRY: (pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me.

HELEN: Who cancelled?

JERRY: Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine.

[The Costanza Home, Queens]

(George and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen, eating a meal of spaghetti.)

GEORGE: I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.

FRANK: (looks up to heaven) She's deceased.

GEORGE: (glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young?

FRANK: (looks to Estelle) She had problems. (Estelle nods) Internal.

GEORGE: Is that common in our family?

ESTELLE: Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man.

FRANK: Also internal problems.

ESTELLE: It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling, and then one day, they're all gone.

FRANK: What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. (animated) She was sickly from the moment I met her!

ESTELLE: (shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!

GEORGE: I guess you two are the lucky ones.

FRANK: So far.

ESTELLE: Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?

FRANK: She'd never make it.

(George thinks a little and looks hopeful.)

[Monk's]

(Kramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry.)

EMILY: So let me get this straight. You enjoy the lovemaking...

KRAMER: Shh, shh.

EMILY: (quieter) Well, do you?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.

EMILY: Okay, but you have a problem sharing a bed with me?

KRAMER: I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie.

EMILY: I don't know.

KRAMER: (pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway.

EMILY: You're not easy, Kramer.

KRAMER: I know.

[Animation]

(On a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears from New York to Del Boca Vista.)

[Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista]

(Jerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks.)

JACK: So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit?

JERRY: I wanna buy back the Cadillac.

JACK: You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs hidden in the trunk?

(Jack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused.)

JACK: I'm kidding.

JERRY: (reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it.

(Jerry puts is chequebook on the table)

JACK: Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it.

JERRY: You bought it for six!

JACK: You're not me.

JERRY: (standing) How much d'you want for it?

JACK: The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars.

(Jerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face.)

JERRY: Fourteen thousand.

JACK: Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, because Doris wants to go to Naples.

(Jerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not working properly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from 'The Pen') and offers it to Jerry.)

JACK: Need a pen?

(Jerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to no avail. He looks to Jack, who's holding out his pen.)

JACK: Still works.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in.)

KRAMER: Hey, where's Jerry?

HELEN: He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City.

KRAMER: Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please.

MORTY: You know that number?

KRAMER: I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...

HELEN: F. F, E, L , D.

KRAMER: ...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) Alright, you have a lucky day, too.

(Kramer rings off.)

HELEN: He's not there?

KRAMER: No, they never heard of him.

(Kramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine kit. Morty and Helen exchange worried looks.)

[Restaurant]

(George, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy restaurant.)

ELAINE: This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George.

GEORGE: (oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about.

HELEN: Where's Jerry?

GEORGE: Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java.

(George puts the gift in front of Elaine.)

ELAINE: George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee.

MORTY: (surprised) President?

ELAINE: Yeah.

(Jerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder.)

GEORGE: Hey look, he's back.

JERRY: I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City.

HELEN: Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered.

JERRY: (extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White.

(Helen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle enter the restaurant and are spotted by George.)

GEORGE: Mom? Dad?

ESTELLE: Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.

(Morty half-nods a greeting.)

GEORGE: Wh..what're you doing here?

FRANK: We're having an upscale dinner.

GEORGE: What?

ESTELLE: Well, after talking to you, we realised we may not have much time left.

FRANK: So, we're blowing it all.

(George looks unhappy at this news.)

FRANK: (holding out his tie) Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin.

[Emily's Apartment]

(Once again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow.)

KRAMER: That was alright.

EMILY: Yeah.

(They both lie still for a few seconds.)

KRAMER: (abruptly) Well, I'll see you.

(Kramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He is carrying the travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake Jerry, who is asleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside.)

[Kramer's Apartment/Hallway]

(Kramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can hear a thumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across at his door, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying to open it. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face.)

(Outside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to Kramer's doorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys, they in turn pull at the doorknob.)

(Inside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets over his head and lies quivering underneath.)

[Jerry's Apartment/Florida]

(Morty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello.

(A dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the line, using a cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida.)

JACK: (shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, I had a little mishap with the car.

(The front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with the tail end pointed upwards.)

JACK: I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here.

(Jerry tries not to give anything away to his parents.)

JERRY: (quiet) Huh. Alright.

(Jerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom.)

HELEN: Who was that?

JERRY: (extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.

(Jerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced by Jerry's spiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room.)

MORTY: That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.

HELEN: I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry?

MORTY: I'd have to go back to work.

HELEN: Where would you work?

MORTY: Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

[Elaine's Office]

(Elaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty.)

ELAINE: Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.

MORTY: What's not to understand?

ELAINE: Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.

MORTY: I'm very comfortable working outta the house. I have a phone, we have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself.

ELAINE: (looking around her desk) Where is your resume?

MORTY: I don't have it. I'll mail you one.

ELAINE: Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?

MORTY: You sell clothes here, don't you?

ELAINE: Yeah.

MORTY: Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for thirty-eight years. In nineteen forty-nine...

ELAINE: (interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.

MORTY: You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.

ELAINE: Uhm...

(Peterman enters the office.)

PETERMAN: (upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.

(Peterman strides across the office to another door.)

ELAINE: (stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.

(Peterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him. Elaine, stands, her mouth agape in shock.)

MORTY: Who's Mr Fancy?

[Emily's Apartment]

(Kramer and Emily in bed again.)

KRAMER: (hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night.

EMILY: Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I think I'd prefer it if you left.

KRAMER: (surprise) What?

EMILY: You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. (pause) And you scream in your sleep.

KRAMER: I do?

(Kramer looks intensely nervous.)

KRAMER: (fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.

EMILY: C'mon, it was probably the wind.

KRAMER: No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone.

EMILY: (adamant) Well, I do.

[Animation]

(Another arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista.)

[Street, Del Boca Vista]

(A tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back to Del Boca Vista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length. Jack Klompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out of a cab.)

JACK: What took you so long?

JERRY: I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened?

(The cab drives away.)

JACK: This thing is a, is a behemoth.

JERRY: What did you do?

JACK: I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me.

(Jerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water containing a couple of catfish spills out over his feet.)

JERRY: (exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents.

JACK: (shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car.

JERRY: My car? You drove it into the swamp!

JACK: It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.

JERRY: (smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.

[The Costanza Home, Queens]

(Frank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from the front door.)

GEORGE: (pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?

FRANK: That's your mother's new car.

GEORGE: You bought that?

FRANK: It's a Coupe de Elegance.

ESTELLE: Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

(George looks like he's going to say something, but then the door to the kitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and pyjamas and carrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back.)

KRAMER: Mornin'.

(Kramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch.)

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

GEORGE: What the hell is going on here?

KRAMER: I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep.

ESTELLE: George, your mother and I, and Kramer (holds Kramer's hand) have been talking.

GEORGE: (dread) Oh god.

KRAMER: Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be.

FRANK: (claps his hands) You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida again?!

ESTELLE: Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?

(George looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same time.)

[Peterman's Office]

(Peterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until recently, Elaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and Elaine, who sits depressed at the end of the desk.)

PETERMAN: So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary...

(Elaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy.)

PETERMAN: ...and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done.

ELAINE: (hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options?

PETERMAN: I think not.

(Elaine puts a hand to her head and sighs.)

PETERMAN: Now, down to business. (thoughtful) I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf.

(The employees take notes.)

ELAINE: Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.

MORTY: (shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.

ELAINE: (tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.

MORTY: What?

PETERMAN: (puzzled) Who are you?

ELAINE: Don't worry, I...

MORTY: Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman.

ELAINE: Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...

PETERMAN: Elaine, did you hire this man?

ELAINE: (worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.

[Monk's]

(George and Elaine sit in a booth.)

ELAINE: So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor.

GEORGE: (pointing out the positive) But happy.

ELAINE: Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but...

(Elaine gestures with her hand.)

GEORGE: Obviously.

ELAINE: Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own.

GEORGE: No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet.

ELAINE: Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.

GEORGE: What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money.

ELAINE: Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something...

GEORGE: (upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you could humour me. He humours me.

ELAINE: Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's.

GEORGE: You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: You schedule a late meeting.

ELAINE: (puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?

GEORGE: These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. (animated) How did we get back onto you?!

ELAINE: (grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split.

(Elaine gets up and leaves.)

GEORGE: (shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this!

[The Costanza Home, Queens]

(Kramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank enters from the bathroom, drying his hands with a towel.)

KRAMER: Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.

FRANK: That's right. That's me on the left.

KRAMER: So, you sleep in separate beds.

FRANK: Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. It was the only way I could get some rest.

KRAMER: (intrigued) Really?

FRANK: (confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks his elbow) jimmy arms.

KRAMER: You can get that in your arms?

FRANK: Like you wouldn't believe.

[Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista]

(A grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him.)

JACK: Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all your phone calls. Why are you still here?

JERRY: Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So...

JACK: You are uh, thinking of staying here?

JERRY: Well...

JACK: (laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!

JERRY: You didn't like that crack about the pen.

JACK: I did not.

[The Costanza Home, Queens]

(George and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer does some washing up in the sink.)

GEORGE: Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say...

(George is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes. He gives Kramer a look and continues.)

GEORGE: (attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.

FRANK: It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving tonight.

(Estelle and Frank smile at each other.)

GEORGE: (crestfallen) But you said it was my call.

ESTELLE: We were just being nice.

(George looks crushed.)

ESTELLE: (motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be alright here alone?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight.

GEORGE: (animated) You're letting him have a woman over?!

FRANK: He's not family. It's different, psychologically.

(Kramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns to look at him. He gives George a little smile.)

[Peterman's Office]

(The employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's desk as he waxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing at his watch as Peterman speaks.)

PETERMAN: And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.

MORTY: Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh...

ELAINE: Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.

PETERMAN: (smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny you should ask, Elaine.

MORTY: Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here?

PETERMAN: (looks at his watch) It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...

MORTY: (standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finish with his story.

(Morty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt.)

PETERMAN: Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes.

MORTY: Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise.

PETERMAN: (winks) Morty, you're out.

MORTY: (unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.

(Morty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind.)

[Animation]

(An arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens to Del Boca Vista.)

[Street, Del Boca Vista]

(Frank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac. Something catches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep on the back seat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world coming to' look and throws up his hands as he walks away.)

(After he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over. It's Jerry, sleeping in his parent's Cadillac.)

[The Costanza Home, Queens]

(Kramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits on Estelle's bed, reading a paperback.)

KRAMER: I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzer's.

EMILY: (not looking up from her book) No-one held a gun to your head.

KRAMER: (dismissive) Yeah.

EMILY: (still reading) Don't forget, we're eating dinner at the Feinerman's tomorrow night.

KRAMER: (moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends.

EMILY: You like 'em.

KRAMER: I've had it with 'em.

(Kramer disappears into the bathroom.)

EMILY: Then we won't go.

(Kramer reemerges with a glass of water.)

KRAMER: (yielding) Okay, okay. What time?

EMILY: Eight thirty.

(Kramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches.)

KRAMER: (satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.

(Emily smiles at him, then returns to her book.)

[Monk's]

(Jerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee, George eating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper.)

ELAINE: 'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'

(Elaine folds the paper and drops it on the table.)

JERRY: Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options...

ELAINE: (downcast) Yeah.

GEORGE: (Jerry-style) That's a shame.

ELAINE: (sharp) What, are you sticking it to me?

GEORGE: (innocent) What?

ELAINE: I think you're sticking it to me.

JERRY: Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic.

ELAINE: (leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it!

(George doesn't meet Elaine's stare.)

JERRY: You're not alone. I'm practically broke.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac.

(George takes another forkful of what's on his plate.)

GEORGE: (relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.

JERRY: Well, you seem happy.

GEORGE: I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here!

ELAINE: So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?

JERRY: Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.

ELAINE: Hmm.

[Florida]

(Morty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines.)

MORTY: When are we gonna tell Jerry?

HELEN: I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell him next time we go up.

MORTY: He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that.

(It's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind the Cadillac.)

HELEN: Besides, that condo was too much house.

[The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista]

(Estelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers out of the window.)

ESTELLE: How many times can you check the car?

FRANK: (coming away from the window) I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day.

(Frank sits in a chair.)

ESTELLE: Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?

FRANK: They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there!

ESTELLE: (shouts) You're driving me crazy!

FRANK: (standing) That's it, we're going back to Queens. (claps hands) Where's my hat?

(Frank walks out of the room.)

ESTELLE: (shouts) Nooh!

The End

S8E13 - The Comeback

Broadcast date: January 30, 1997

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by David Owen Trainor

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mark Harelik ....................... Milos

Ben Stein .............................. Shellbach

Joel Polis ............................... Reilly

Ivana Milavich ...................... Patty

Danny Strong ...................... Vincent

Richard Livingston ............... Bill

Charles Kahlenberg .............. Fred

Stan Sellers ........................... McAdam

Peggy Mannix ...................... Woman

Fatima Love ......................... Secretary

Nancy Linehan Charles ....... Woman Executive

Jeff Hatz .............................. Manager (Gene)

==================================================================

[Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]

(A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about as fast as he can manage.)

BILL: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.

REILLY: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.

GEORGE: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?

REILLY: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.

(Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of seafood.)

[George's Car]

(George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.)

GEORGE: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit!

[New York Health & Racquet Club]

(George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.)

JERRY: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.'

(Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet.)

JERRY: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?

GEORGE: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.

JERRY: Oh. That's not quite the same.

GEORGE: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.

JERRY: I'm gonna grab a can of balls.

GEORGE: Right.

(George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.)

MILOS: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.

JERRY: I need a can of balls.

(Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.)

MILOS: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...

(Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.)

MILOS: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you?

(Jerry looks surprised.)

[Champagne Video]

(Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack marked 'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and 'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, when Kramer comes up behind her.)

KRAMER: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?

ELAINE: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.

KRAMER: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.

ELAINE: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.

KRAMER: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick.

(Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.)

ELAINE: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one.

KRAMER: Yeah, went straight to video.

(Elaine looks upon this as a negative.)

KRAMER: (positive) That makes me the premiere.

(Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.)

ELAINE: (gets Kramer's point) Hah.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper.)

KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.

(Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.)

JERRY: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'

KRAMER: Can you do that for me, buddy?

JERRY: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document.

KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna type it up.

JERRY: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.

KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.

(Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?

JERRY: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.

(Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.)

JERRY: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.

KRAMER: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more.

(Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.)

JERRY: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.

KRAMER: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page.

(Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects.)

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from her eye, and sniffs.)

ELAINE: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)

(The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being interrupted.)

ELAINE: What?

VINCENT (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie?

ELAINE: Who is it?

VINCENT (O.C.): It's Vincent.

ELAINE: Of Vincent's picks?

VINCENT (O.C.): The same.

(Elaine smiles excitedly.)

[Tennis Club]

(Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the one we saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind them, a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. He's missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.)

JERRY: He called you?

ELAINE: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours.

JERRY: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.

(Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.)

ELAINE: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours.

(A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player from the other court shouts over.)

PLAYER (O.C.): Little help, hey!

ELAINE: (tossing the ball back) Yeah.

PLAYER: Thank you.

(The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet and bounces away past him.)

ELAINE: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.

JERRY: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.

(The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in the background.)

ELAINE: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?

JERRY: George used up all my guest passes already.

ELAINE: Ah.

PLAYER: Ahh.

(A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.)

JERRY: Come on.

PLAYER: Thank you.

(The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.)

JERRY: (tossing the ball) Here you go.

(The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. It's Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.)

JERRY: (disbelief) Milos?

MILOS: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing?

Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks away from Jerry.)

MILOS: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.

(Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. He fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks down at his new racquet, thoughtfully.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.)

ELAINE: So he was bad. What d'you care?

JERRY: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log.

(The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie.)

KRAMER: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.

ELAINE: The executor? Of what?

JERRY: Kramer wants to die with dignity.

ELAINE: There's a feather in your cap.

KRAMER: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers)

(The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.)

GEORGE: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.

JERRY: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?

GEORGE: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again.

ELAINE: Who's Reilly?

JERRY: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'

(Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh.)

GEORGE: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'

(George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with varying levels of confusion in their expressions.)

GEORGE: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

ELAINE: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?

(Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.)

GEORGE: (confused) What does that mean?

JERRY: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'

GEORGE: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

KRAMER: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

GEORGE: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.

KRAMER: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...

GEORGE: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!

(George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks over and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old racquet on a stool.)

KRAMER: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?

JERRY: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?

(Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.)

KRAMER: (indicating) You see? You can't let go.

JERRY: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.

KRAMER: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?

ELAINE: Me?

KRAMER: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.

ELAINE: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.

[Lawyer's Office]

(Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer, who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer looks nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.)

SHELLBACH: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function.

KRAMER: Well, would I be able to communicate?

SHELLBACH: I don't see how.

ELAINE: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.

KRAMER: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.

ELAINE: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.

SHELLBACH: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system.

(Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.)

KRAMER: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

SHELLBACH: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube.

KRAMER: Naw, that's not my style.

ELAINE: Bore-ing.

SHELLBACH: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else.

KRAMER: (hesitant) Uhm...

(Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.)

ELAINE: I'd stick.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop.

ELAINE: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.

[New York Health & Racquet Club]

(A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter to be met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.)

JERRY: Hello Milos.

MILOS: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen...

JERRY: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about.

MILOS: I..I...

JERRY: You can't even play.

MILOS: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge.

JERRY: You could do that?

MILOS: Jerry, for you, anything.

(Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful.)

JERRY: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?

MILOS: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money.

JERRY: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...

MILOS: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.

JERRY: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.

(Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful woman, he speaks.)

JERRY: Tennis, anyone?

(The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks after him, worried.)

[Champagne Video]

(Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks a video off the 'Vincent' rack.)

ELAINE: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes?

KRAMER: That's a lotta yearning, huh?

ELAINE: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.

ELAINE: Really?

KRAMER: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise.

ELAINE: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...

KRAMER: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)

ELAINE: Yeah, I could use a chuckle.

(Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter with the Bernie's tape.)

KRAMER: (approving) Yeah.

ELAINE: What're you getting?

KRAMER: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.

ELAINE: Oh. How much you got left?

KRAMER: Yeah, about two hours.

(Elaine does a double-take at this.)

KRAMER: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it.)

ELAINE: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!

(The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.)

ELAINE: Hello.

VINCENT (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?

ELAINE: Vincent?

VINCENT (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special.

ELAINE: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it.

(There is a click as Vincent hangs up.)

ELAINE: Vincent?

[Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]

(The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George is stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.)

FRED: Alright, let's get to it.

GEORGE: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?

FRED: Reilly doesn't work here any more.

GEORGE: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.

FRED: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.

(Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again, George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.)

[Street]

(Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.)

PATTY: Hello.

JERRY: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?

PATTY: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here.

JERRY: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee?

PATTY: Why don't we just go up to your apartment?

JERRY: (surprised) Alright.

(Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.)

JERRY: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.

(Jerry turns to follow Patty.)

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack can be heard from the TV.)

NURSE (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma?

DOCTOR (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same.

(Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch to watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.)

DOCTOR (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma.

(Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.)

DOCTOR (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay?

ALLBRIGHT (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush.

(Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the movie.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.)

JERRY: So, you play tennis?

PATTY: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.

(Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.)

JERRY: Not for me, I love chatting.

PATTY: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.

(Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to kiss, she breaks away.)

PATTY: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!

JERRY: Who?

PATTY: (cries) Milos. My husband!

JERRY: (shocked) Your husband?!

(Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands up in the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight. Jerry listens.)

GEORGE: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?

JERRY: (explanation) He's new around here.

GEORGE: (hopeful) So, details?

JERRY: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.

GEORGE: Because of society, right?

JERRY: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out?

(Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter.)

GEORGE: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?

(George wanders over into the kitchen.)

JERRY: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.

(George looks in the fridge.)

GEORGE: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.

JERRY: You never really had the right comeback, anyway.

(George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.)

GEORGE: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say.

(George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door opens and Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.

GEORGE: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.

(George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him.)

KRAMER: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.

JERRY: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.

GEORGE (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?

KRAMER: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.

GEORGE (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww.

KRAMER: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.

(Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.)

[Champagne Video]

(Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies of a video called Betrayed.)

ELAINE: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...

(Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.)

KRAMER: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.

ELAINE: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?

(The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.)

MANAGER: Excuse me.

(The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it with another name.)

ELAINE: What're you doing?

(The manager walks back to behind the counter.)

ELAINE: Wha..wha...?

MANAGER: Vincent stopped making picks.

ELAINE: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?

MANAGER: We have a wide variety of Gene picks.

ELAINE: (dismissive) Gene's trash.

MANAGER: I'm Gene.

(Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows.)

ELAINE: (forcing a smile) Hi.

[New York Health & Racquet Club]

(A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.)

JERRY: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.

MILOS: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.

JERRY: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.

MILOS: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man.

JERRY: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.)

JERRY: So you hurt Vincent's feelings?

ELAINE: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.

JERRY: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?

(Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm.)

ELAINE: It's the play button, off his VCR.

JERRY: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.

(George enters and strolls over to the booth.)

GEORGE: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.

ELAINE: Ohio?

GEORGE: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.

JERRY: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?

GEORGE: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.

ELAINE: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all.

GEORGE: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!

(George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, and has heard his shouts.)

GEORGE: (waving apologetically) Not you.

[Elaine's Apartment]

(Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's The Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.)

OLD WOMAN (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain.

(The phone rings and Elaine picks up.)

ELAINE: Hello.

VINCENT (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent.

ELAINE: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you.

VINCENT (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me.

ELAINE: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you.

VINCENT (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while.

[Kramer's Car]

(Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked up behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched over the steering wheel, looking nervous.)

KRAMER: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.

[Lawyer's Office]

(Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.)

SECRETARY: Hi, can I help you?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will.

SECRETARY: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day.

(Kramer looks anxious again.)

[Tennis Club]

(Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched by a small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet vaguely in the direction of the ball.)

JERRY: Too good.

MILOS: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!

(Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.)

JERRY: You're on fire today.

MILOS: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful!

(Patty blows Milos a kiss.)

MILOS: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.

JERRY: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?

MILOS: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha!

(Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful.)

[Outside Vincent's Apartment]

(Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks her hair a little, and knocks at the door.)

ELAINE: Hello? Vincent?

(The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so the occupant can't be seen.)

VINCENT: Elaine?

ELAINE: I got what you asked.

VINCENT: Just, leave it and go.

ELAINE: W..well, can't I come in?

VINCENT: No. Go away. Now.

(Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.)

ELAINE: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel.

(A woman comes up behind Elaine.)

WOMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you?

VINCENT: Aw, dammit!

ELAINE: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.

WOMAN: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here?

(The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there. Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his hands up to cover his face.)

VINCENT: (shrieks) No, my acne!

(Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed in surprise.)

ELAINE: Ahh-cnee.

WOMAN: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here?

(Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through the contents.)

WOMAN: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?

ELAINE: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.

WOMAN: Did he send you part of our VCR?

(Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.)

ELAINE: Yeah.

(Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her head and hands it over.)

WOMAN: (entering the apartment) Vincent!

(Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. She drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the bottle like a club.)

[Tennis Club]

(Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the court in front of himself.)

MILOS: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah.

(Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at this constant derision.)

JERRY: (quietly) I told you to cut it out.

(Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in the face.)

MILOS: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience)

Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.

(Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around for someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine.)

KRAMER: (waving) Shellbach.

(Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the room

to get to him.

(Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer.)

KRAMER: Racquet.

(The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating the automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious and, as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer. Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps, unconscious, to the floor.)

[Insert]

(Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.)

[Firestone Boardroom, Akron]

(A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign on the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George, who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.)

REILLY: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium?

GEORGE: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.

MCADAM: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

GEORGE: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.

(George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth.)

REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...

(George looks up, expectantly.)

REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.

(Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.)

GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you

REILLY: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!

(Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George looks angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something occurs to him.)

GEORGE: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.

(George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there is a deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands and leans over to speak in George's ear.)

MCADAM: His wife is in a coma.

(George looks sick.)

[Hospital Room]

(Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper. There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.)

ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?

JERRY: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.

ELAINE: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick.

JERRY: What happened to Vincent?

ELAINE: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?

(Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.)

ELAINE: Ah.

(Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one of the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the plug, as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks in terror.)

KRAMER: (screaming) Waahhh!!!

[Insert]

(A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.)

[George's Car]

(Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.)

GEORGE: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and...

(He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.)

GEORGE: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh!

(George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards the airport.)

GEORGE: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!

The End

S8E14 - The Van Buren Boys

Broadcast date: February 6, 1997

Written by Darin Henry

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Bruce Davison ..................... Wyck

Christine Taylor ................... Ellen

Jed Rhein ............................. Steven Koren

Tony Colitti ......................... Leader

David Moscow .................... Lomez Jr.

Yunoka Doyle ..................... Lydia

Dublin James ....................... Maurice

Justine Slater ....................... Melissa

Michelle Maika .................... Kim

Steve Hofvendahl ............... Man

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Setting: A Restaurant]

ELLEN: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live.

JERRY: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good!

ELLEN: (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date.

JERRY: I know.. How about dessert?

ELLEN: I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..

JERRY: Why?

ELLEN: Today's my birthday.

JERRY: What? Today? Really?

ELLEN: Yeah.

(Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen isn't celebrating with her friends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday?

JERRY: Yeah. And she picked the day!

GEORGE: Is she socially awkward?

JERRY: No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun..

GEORGE: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.

JERRY: She's not Lincoln.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?

JERRY: I'll pass.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum!

GEORGE: Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.

JERRY: Does it ever bother you that this organization-

GEORGE: Nope!

JERRY: is beating the bushes-

GEORGE: Nope! (Starts heading for the door)

JERRY: to basically give this money away-

GEORGE: Noo!

JERRY: to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?

GEORGE: (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)

[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]

STUDENT 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored)

GEORGE: Quick, what's your favorite animal?

STUDENT 1: I.. I don't know.. frog?

GEORGE: (Disappointed) A frog?

STUDENT 1: Well, I.. I..

GEORGE: (Annoyed) Frog is wrong.

(Cut to another student's interview)

GEORGE: (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble.

STUDENT 2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years-

GEORGE: (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.

(Cut to another student interview)

GEORGE: (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.

STUDENT 3: (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you?

(Cut to another student interview)

GEORGE: so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.

STEVEN: State champs.

GEORGE: Who's your favorite chess player?

STEVEN: (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?

GEORGE: Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again?

STEVEN: (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing.

GEORGE: (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up?

STEVEN: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect..

(George is suddenly interested)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.

JERRY: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it.

(Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: Hey!

KRAMER: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!

JERRY: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop.

ELAINE: What? What happened?

KRAMER: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers.

JERRY: Well, what does that mean?

KRAMER: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!

[Setting: Outside a coffee shop]

ELLEN: (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) Oh, Melissa! Kim!

MELISSA: Ellen.

ELLEN: Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone)

MELISSA: Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out.

KIM: Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.

JERRY: (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?

KIM: (Casually) No.

MELISSA: See ya!

(They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)

JERRY: Any messages?

ELLEN: Yeah, no one called.

[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her.

GEORGE: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off)

JERRY: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.

GEORGE: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?

JERRY: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!

GEORGE: (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship.

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..

JERRY: Is he smart?

GEORGE: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture.

JERRY: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.

GEORGE: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.

JERRY: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!

[Setting: J. Peterman's apartment]

ELAINE: Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality)

PETERMAN: Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner)

ELAINE: Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?

PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.

ELAINE: Oh.

PETERMAN: (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them.

ELAINE: Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um..

PETERMAN: (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS..

ELAINE: get, um, started..

PETERMAN: 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel?

ELAINE: (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here.

PETERMAN: well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?

ELAINE: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys?

PETERMAN: (Interested) You don't say.

ELAINE: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.

PETERMAN: Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book.

ELAINE: But, that didn't happen to you.

PETERMAN: So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.

ELAINE: No, I - I really don't think you can do that.

PETERMAN: (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box)

ELAINE: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.

[Setting: Coffee shop]

(Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find out what is wrong with her)

JERRY: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?

ELLEN: No, this is brand new. Do you like it?

JERRY: Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!

ELLEN: (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.

JERRY: I guess that's all right.

ELLEN: Is something wrong, Jerry?

JERRY: No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen.

(Kramer gives a look)

[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]

GEORGE: Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind.

WYCK: George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic.

GEORGE: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests..

WYCK: These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades.

GEORGE: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect.

WYCK: Is that right?

STEVEN: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.

GEORGE: (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.

STEVEN: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?

WYCK: Well, that's a good point.

GEORGE: (Mutters) No, it's not.

STEVEN: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members)

GEORGE: (Irritated) It's called a T-square.

WYCK: You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)

STEVEN: Thank you.

WYCK: Susan would be proud of what you're doing.

STEVEN: Thank you.

[Setting: Peterman's office]

(Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)

KRAMER: And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired.

PETERMAN: (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check)

KRAMER: You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue)

ELAINE: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -

PETERMAN: (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot?

KRAMER: My whole lot?

PETERMAN: Name your price, man!

KRAMER: (Thinks) 1500 dollars.

PETERMAN: I'll give you half that.

KRAMER: (Excited) Done!

PETERMAN: Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal.

KRAMER: Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune)

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's practicing putting golf balls on her office floor)

ELAINE: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?!

KRAMER: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store.

ELAINE: What happened to Bob Saccamano?

KRAMER: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.

ELAINE: Alright, well, now that's something..

KRAMER: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew..

ELAINE: (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?!

KRAMER: No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.

ELAINE: (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning?

KRAMER: Well, I guess I was..

ELAINE: (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back?

KRAMER: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story..

ELAINE: Alright, I think I got enough for one day.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, chew on that.

ELAINE: (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.

KRAMER: Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..

ELAINE: Oh, thanks. I've got plans.

KRAMER: Elaine, you should be there to document it.

ELAINE: (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?

KRAMER: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up.

(Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?

GEORGE: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him.

JERRY: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.

GEORGE: You're spending the weekend with Ellen?

JERRY: (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this?

GEORGE: (To Kramer) You want to start?

KRAMER: (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.

GEORGE: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.

JERRY: What?!

KRAMER: (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target)

JERRY: Where is this coming from? She's great!

GEORGE: (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up.

JERRY: There's nothing wrong with my career!

KRAMER: (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.

GEORGE: I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now!

KRAMER: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.

GEORGE: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!

KRAMER: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.

JERRY: (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this!

KRAMER: All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you!

JERRY: You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!

KRAMER: Which one?

JERRY: They were all like that!

[Setting: NYC Street]

(George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)

STEVEN: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza?

GEORGE: Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George)

STEVEN: These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys.

MEMBER 1: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.

GEORGE: Oh.. nice.

STEVEN: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner.

GEORGE: What about architect, Steven?

MEMBER 1: (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner.

[Setting: Cafe]

(Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through it)

FRIEND 1: Great party, K-man!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!

ELAINE: (Sourly) I'll make a note of it.

FRIEND 1: Hey, Kramer,

KRAMER: Yeah?

FRIEND 1: Ramirez has never heard your pants story.

KRAMER: Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)

ELAINE: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.

KRAMER: What do ya mean?

ELAINE: You signed the release.

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: He sat in mud. Not you.

KRAMER: But I did sit in mud.

ELAINE: (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud!

KRAMER: (Pleading) I was all dirty!

ELAINE: It ever happened! Understand?

(Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)

KRAMER: (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(The crowd is disappointed)

FRIEND 1: It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave)

KRAMER: What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave)

(Enter George)

KRAMER: (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys.

KRAMER: Hey, now, they're tough cookies.

GEORGE: Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do?

KRAMER: Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)

GEORGE: (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.

GEORGE: You mean, like, a former member?

(Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment!

JERRY: Is my toaster oven on there?

ELAINE: How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?

JERRY: Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer.

ELAINE: Yes! I'm a writer.

JERRY: Make them interesting.

ELAINE: Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!

(Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')

JERRY: Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents.

ELAINE: What? Wheren't they just here?

JERRY: Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.

ELAINE: Maybe we could all have dinner later?

JERRY: I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)

JERRY: Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!

KRAMER: Damn!

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink!

ELAINE: How much did you pay for them?

KRAMER: Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!")

[Setting: Peterman's office]

ELAINE: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?

PETERMAN: Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn.

ELAINE: Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!

PETERMAN: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing.

ELAINE: Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants?

PETERMAN: (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)

SECRETARY: I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.

PETERMAN: (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.

KRAMER: Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!

PETERMAN: You want to know something? I no longer need them!

ELAINE: No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference?

PETERMAN: Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond!

KRAMER: Yippie-yi-yay!

PETERMAN: (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.

[Setting: NYC Street]

(George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)

GEORGE: Hey, Van B. Boys.

STEVEN: So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back?

GEORGE: Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own.

MEMBER 2: Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign?

GEORGE: Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures)

STEVEN: That's not the sign.

GEORGE: (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging!

MEMBER 2: All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by.

GEORGE: Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

ELLEN: And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne.

MORTY: Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris.

ELLEN: (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse)

JERRY: (To his parents) So? What do you think?

HELEN: Jerry, she's fantastic.

JERRY: I knew it! I'm not crazy.

HELEN: She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her!

MORTY: And smart! Like a computer!

HELEN: And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her?

JERRY: (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure.

HELEN: Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with.

JERRY: yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas..

[Setting: NYC Alley]

MEMBER 2: The next one, or you're meat!

GEORGE: Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!

MORTY: Hey, George!

GEORGE: Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later.

MORTY: How're your folks?

GEORGE: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!

MORTY: What did you say?

GEORGE: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!

HELEN: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.

GEORGE: (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off)

MORTY: Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave)

(The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street, screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him)

The End

S8E15 - The Susie

Broadcast date: February 13, 1997

Written by David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lee Arenberg ...................... Mike Moffit

Shannon Kenny ................... Allison

Megan Cole ......................... Peggy

Jane Edith Wilson ................ Woman

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

rc: Richard Herd ................. Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Jerry and Kramer are walking down the street at dusk.]

KRAMER: Look how dark it's gettin' already.

JERRY: Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet.

KRAMER: When does it start?

JERRY: (pause) I don't know, they just tell you the night before.

KRAMER: Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. (pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)) I am springin' ahead riiight now.

JERRY: (under breath) Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems..

(Jerry sees Mike down the sidewalk. Mike's peering into a shop window.)

JERRY: Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit..

KRAMER: Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago!

JERRY: I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy.

KRAMER: Hey! Mike!

MIKE: (sees and is enthused, coming over) Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!

JERRY: Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..

MIKE: Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie!

JERRY: No openings in arson?

MIKE: (pauses, struck by J's attitude) Either of you guys wanna place a bet: I'm your guy.

KRAMER: (quickly) Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease.

JERRY: I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. (casually leaves)

MIKE: Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing?

KRAMER: You kidding? It's all water near a bridge.

MIKE: Hey, what time you got?

KRAMER: (pulling out his timepiece) Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.

MIKE: Whoa--uh--I'm really late. (leaves)

[Elaine's at work, with Peggy at Peggy's drafting table, looking at Peggy's designs. (Peggy is an older, thin woman.)]

ELAINE: Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me.

PEGGY: Oh, it was no problem.

ELAINE: (leaving with the drawings) Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em.

PEGGY: (focusing on her work) Thanks, Susie.

(At the door, Elaine turns around, wondering if she heard right, and should she say anything. Peggy looks up, pleasantly nods at her, and returns to her work. Elaine wavers and decides to let it drop, and leaves.)

[That night at Monk's, Jerry and Elaine are sitting in a booth.]

ELAINE: You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie."

JERRY: I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe.

ELAINE: What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island?

JERRY: Who are you describing?

ELAINE: Someone I know.

JERRY: Named Sharon?

ELAINE: I'd rather not say.

(George has just come in and grabs a chair to put a garment bag on.)

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: (to say hello) Mmm! What's in the bag?

GEORGE: (sitting) Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh!

JERRY: Kind of a Yankee prom?

GEORGE: (resentfully dampened) It's not a prom. It's a Ball.

JERRY: You taking Allison?

GEORGE: Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe--

JERRY: Live?

ELAINE: Lithe.

GEORGE: Live?

ELAINE: (rolling her eyes) Lithe!

JERRY: Oh, lithe!

ELAINE: Well, you two'll have a great time there.

JERRY: It can't be worse than this.

ELAINE: Mmm!

GEORGE: An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance!

ELAINE: Backless? Ya gonna back her in?

GEORGE: Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls.

ELAINE: She's not gonna twirl--

GEORGE: She'll Twirl.

[George and ALLISON are coming into George's "house."]

GEORGE: That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.

ALLISON: (weary) All right.

GEORGE: Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer?

ALLISON: (digging in purse) Yeah, uh--here. (hands him ticket)

GEORGE: Oh! Great!

ALLISON: Uh. Say, George--

GEORGE: Woo! Courtside! (mock-snide) Is that the best you could do? Ha ha!

ALLISON: (sitting) George. We need to talk.

GEORGE: What?

ALLISON: I really, think we need to talk.

GEORGE: (pause) Uh-oh.

[Jerry's "house." Jerry and George are just coming in.]

JERRY: She wants to talk.

GEORGE: She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk.

JERRY: Nobody needs to talk.

GEORGE: Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry.

JERRY: What'd ya do?

GEORGE: I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back.

JERRY: (pause) All night?!

GEORGE: Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.

JERRY: And she wants to break up with you..

GEORGE: Ha! (snort) Can you believe it? (amused) I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.

JERRY: Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's."

GEORGE: So? What'm I gonna do?

JERRY: You really like this girl.

GEORGE: No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance!

JERRY: You've made some Fine Exits.

GEORGE: (admitting) All right..

JERRY: So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her.

GEORGE: (resolved) Why not. (determined) If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll.

KRAMER: (suddenly entering) Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison--

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, right here. (hands it to him)

KRAMER: All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away..

GEORGE: (clipping on shades) Ha.. She'll have to find me first. (leaving)

KRAMER: (All right.) (to Jerry) Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars.

JERRY: What for?

KRAMER: Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!

JERRY: But I don't want any "sweet action."

KRAMER: Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem.

JERRY: So you put down my money?!

KRAMER: (impatient sigh) You don't have a problem.

JERRY: Not (with) that, no..

[Elaine's at the office, walking past Peggy's office. Peggy's reading a memo and notices her.]

PEGGY: Susie. Susie!

ELAINE: (coming in) Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but--

PEGGY: Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?

ELAINE: Yeah. See that--

PEGGY: (preoccupied) You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the gro-ound.

ELAINE: Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job..

PEGGY: I heard she was a disaster, Suze--

ELAINE: (testy, leans into Peggy's personal space) Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie!

(Peggy feels quite threatened..)

[George is in his living room, watching TV, eating popcorn. The phone rings and he lets the machine pick it up as he munches and uses the remote. The machine tape is to the tune of the Greatest American Hero theme song ("The Greatest American Hero (Believe it or not)," written by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).]

GEORGE: (on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)

(Jerry's on the other end, a little bored. But George likes the song, bobbed his head with it.)

JERRY: George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.

GEORGE: (answers phone, good mood) Hey.

JERRY: So, coffee shop?

GEORGE: No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. (the call waiting beeps) Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. (hangs up)

GEORGE: (on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)

(George was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging during it, and remoting to another station.)

ALLISON: (on phone machine, peeved) George? Are you there? (muttering) I hate that stupid message. (terse) I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. (hangs up)

(George dials a number.)

GEORGE: (to phone) Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. (hangs up and happily chuckles) Ha ha!

[At Jerry's apartment, Elaine's just arrived.]

ELAINE: Can you believe this woman?

JERRY: (ironic outrage) The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face!

ELAINE: No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze.

JERRY: No. No Suze.

ELAINE: (tense) I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!

JERRY: Who are you describin'?

ELAINE: Someone I know!

JERRY: Named Suze?

ELAINE: No, still Sharon!

KRAMER: (comes in, subdued) Hey. (grabs a water from refrigerator)

JERRY: Hey, I thought you went to the game.

KRAMER: No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. (leaving)

JERRY: Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?!

KRAMER: (stops) W--Reggie Miller.

ELAINE: Cheryl Miller's brother?

KRAMER: Yeah. (leaving)

JERRY: Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened!

KRAMER: (stops again) Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. (leaving)

ELAINE: (same time as Jerry) --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--

JERRY: Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?!

KRAMER: (stops again) Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game.

ELAINE: So that's it?

KRAMER: Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. (leaves)

JERRY: Can you believe that?

ELAINE: I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball.

KRAMER: (suddenly comes back, excited) The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three!

JERRY: What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout!

KRAMER: No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide!

JERRY: On what?!

KRAMER: (real addict) Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. (getting out pocket-watch)

JERRY: Yeah, all right.

KRAMER: (looking at watch) Ssssh--ah! They just closed!

JERRY: (not) Oh. Too Bad.

[Peterman's office. Elaine comes to the door.]

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me?

PETERMAN: Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"?

ELAINE: Su-sie?

PETERMAN: Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker.

ELAINE: (nit) It's Susie.

PETERMAN: Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie right here, in my office.

ELAINE: (dismayed) Ah, all o'--all of us?

[Allison's apartment. Someone's knocking on the door and she gets it. It's Kramer.]

KRAMER: Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude.

ALLISON: Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes.

ALLISON: Oh yeah?

[On the street, Jerry is leisurely unloading his groceries from the back of his car.]

JERRY: (singing) Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home.

MIKE: (comes up) Hey. Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?

MIKE: (a little anxious) Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you.

JERRY: Why not?

MIKE: 'Cause I don't have the money..

JERRY: Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"?

MIKE: Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please!

JERRY: You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one.

MIKE: I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that.

(Mike gets some groceries out.)

JERRY: (trying to shut the trunk hood) Something wrong with this trunk.

MIKE: Oh. Let me see.

(As Mike puts his hands there, Jerry, unaware, shuts the trunk again! It happens very fast--Mike's hands are slammed and he screams out in pain!)

[The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark romantic place, roses at the tables. George is sitting at a table with Kramer.]

GEORGE: So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? (amused) An' why Pomodoro?

(Just now, at one table in the background, a Woman is sad and dismayed, says, "How could you say that to me?" She cries..)

KRAMER: (quiet, delicately) Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you.

GEORGE: (quiet) Uh-oh.

KRAMER: We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break.

GEORGE: Can't we discuss this?

KRAMER: (reasoning) We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship!

GEORGE: (dismayed) I didn't even know you wanted to get serious!

KRAMER: (dismayed) So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. (is tearing up)

GEORGE: (pause) Are you?

KRAMER: Wha--me? No! No. But she is.

GEORGE: I, I can't believe this is happening!

KRAMER: George, we're sorry.

(breathes in, pause) We're through..

GEORGE: Krama. Please.

KRAMER: (leaves, upset) Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry--

[Peterman and Peggy are sitting in his office. There are two empy chairs. The window overlooks central park.]

ELAINE: (entering, uneasy) Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. (sits)

PETERMAN: Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short.

ELAINE: Oh. No, we're not--

PEGGY: Susie has been very rude to me.

PETERMAN: Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie.

ELAINE: Look. (engaging smile) We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. (breathes in) name names! (indicating empty chair) Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you--

PETERMAN: Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. (indicating empty chair)

ELAINE: Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too.

PETERMAN: Who.

ELAINE: (uh-oh) Her?

PETERMAN: Where is she?!

ELAINE: Ah--this is part of the problem!

PEGGY: Iiii thought I was, part of this problem.

ELAINE: (smiling, convincing) You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!

PETERMAN: Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch.

ELAINE: (feigning hearing something) What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. (rushes out!)

PETERMAN: She is The Best. What was your name again.

[Jerry's. Kramer and Jerry are talking. Jerry's eating lunch at his table.]

KRAMER: Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you.

JERRY: Well why doesn't he just come in?

KRAMER: Because he's scared, Jerry.

JERRY: Why is he scared.

KRAMER: (sighs, opens door) Come on in. Did you do this? (Mike has two hand casts on)

JERRY: Yeah, but--

KRAMER: Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.

JERRY: It was an accident.

KRAMER: Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up?

MIKE: (desperate) I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it!

JERRY: (hands up) I don't want it that way.

KRAMER: Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.

JERRY: (whatever) Fine..

MIKE: Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good--real good!

(Mike's very grateful, and leaves with a two thumbs-up gesture. But he also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's the position the casts hold his thumbs in. It's odd!)

KRAMER: See that was nice, Jerry. (under breath) Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk.

JERRY: Ah, it's just a car.

(George comes up (the door's still open) and when he and Kramer see each other, there's an awkward, long pause. During the following, Jerry sits at the table silently watching, intrigued.)

GEORGE: Hi.

KRAMER: (looking down, nodding) Hi.

(Another pause. It's like they broke up--well they did, but they didn't.)

GEORGE: It's, funny runnin' into you here.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah..

It's funny.

You look good..

GEORGE: (embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut) Do I? Thanks.. You too..

KRAMER: Ooo, yeah.. (indicating his face, embarrassed) (Heh, right.) You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right--

GEORGE: (sad) Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime.

KRAMER: George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. (leaves)

GEORGE: (pause) What do you think, Jerry.

JERRY: (wistful) I don't know, I just see you guys together.

[Outside it's raining. Mike is working on Jerry's trunk, trying to get at the locking mechanism but it's hard with those casts on.]

MIKE: Thumbs!

(He gets into the trunk for better access. But it turns out Kramer is getting into his car, parked just ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps Jerry's car while backing up and the trunk slams shut. It locked this time!)

MIKE: (from inside the trunk) Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help!

[That night, Elaine and Jerry are in the car, talking. He's driving.]

JERRY: So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that!

ELAINE: Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

JERRY: Yeah, I know how you feel.

(Meanwhile, Mike's yelping and banging in the trunk!)

ELAINE: Do you hear something?

JERRY: What?

(Meanwhile, Mike, in a now-hoarse voice is shouting, "Jerry?! Jerry?!")

JERRY: Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.

ELAINE: Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now!

JERRY: Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: (firmly matter-of-fact) Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear.

ELAINE: I kinda like her.

JERRY: She's Gooone.

ELAINE: Jerry--

JERRY: (impatient) Gone! (starts maniacally laughing) (briefly stops to point and explain) That bumper sticker.

(They Both scream, laughing! In the trunk, Mike has heard most of the conversation! The laughing continues!)

MIKE: (desperately anxious) Oh God, I'm in trouble..

([At night, George is upset and knocking on Kramer's door.]

GEORGE: Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there!

KRAMER: (opens door) Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you..

GEORGE: (sad) It's only four..

KRAMER: Huh?

GEORGE: I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you--

KRAMER: Oh. Oh, George.

GEORGE: Please. Give me another chance.

KRAMER: (regretfully) Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. (sigh) All right.

GEORGE: (grateful, relieved) Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy!

KRAMER: All right, all right, I'll see ya later. (shuts door)

GEORGE: (delighted!) Woooo!

[The next day, Elaine's passing by the door of Peterman's office.]

PETERMAN: Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division.

ELAINE: (quiet) Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment.

PETERMAN: Mmmmm--nah.

ELAINE: All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. (difficult subject, quiet) she took her own Life..

(Peterman grasps this, weepy in disappointment, "Oh!". Elaine comforts him.)

[Allison's apartment. Kramer knocks and Allison gets it.]

KRAMER: (happy, enthused) We're takin' George back--

ALLISON: What?!

KRAMER: He's gonna make us very happy.

(Allison looks doubtful/disappointed.)

[The Memorial service. Cars are packed into a small parking lot, end to end. Inside, there are chairs lined up in rows, most are filled. There's a podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.]

ELAINE: (quiet) Look at this turnout.

JERRY: (quiet) Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people..

ELAINE: (irritated) Your funeral's not gonna come close to this.

(They've found seats together in the row in front of Peggy, who looks like she's seeing a ghost!)

PEGGY: (to herself) Oh my god! (quiet) Susie?

ELAINE: (quiet) Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine.

PEGGY: But I've been calling you Susie.

ELAINE: Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. (she's going to the podium)

PEGGY: I guess I never met Susie.

JERRY: (privately amused) Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. (indicating Elaine) Her too.

(Elaine's now at the podium.)

ELAINE: What can you say about a girl like Susie? (she doesn't know..)

[Meanwhile, out in the parking lot, Peterman arrives in his little red convertible (top down), distracted with disappointment/sadness. He parks behind Jerry's car and bumps it. Jerry's trunk has unlatched but not popped open big. Peterman doesn't notice anything and goes in. Shortly after he passes, Mike comes out of the trunk, squinting in the daylight, his body is sore, he shuts the trunk]

[Tavern on the Green, at dusk. The Pinstripe Ball is starting. The walls there are mahogany, and there are short, decorative columns with flowers on top of them. Everyone is in tuxedos and gowns, and the music is mellow and quiet. George is waiting in a tux for Allison, but Kramer arrives in his rather tight tux. They talk quietly.]

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Where's uh, where's Allison..

KRAMER: Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come.

GEORGE: But you took me back.

KRAMER: Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. (heading in)

GEORGE: Where are you goin'..

KRAMER: The Ball, silly.

GEORGE: (afraid not) No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there.

KRAMER: George. I thought you were gonna Change.

GEORGE: (impatient) For her. Not for you.

KRAMER: (light admonishing, under breath) Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home..

(They start struggling quietly, Kramer's trying to just walk by, and George is trying to restrain him without attracting too much attention.)

GEORGE: All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!

(George had Kramer in a slightly spinning hold--by holding the back of Kramer's tux--but the material tore away, and this sent Kramer spinning into the room with the back torn off his tux! Strangely, this is well-received by Wilhelm!)

WILHELM: Wow! What an, Entrance! (friendly, to George) And eh, who might this be?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm with him.

WILHELM: Oh. Ah-ha..

[Meanwhile at the Memorial, Elaine is still at the podium. She has her chin in her hand while talking, weary of making up things and of acting mournful.]

ELAINE: And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market.

PETERMAN: Elaine! May I say a few words.

ELAINE: Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. (steps down)

PETERMAN: (steps up to the podium, refreshed) Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good.

JERRY: (proud to Peggy, under his breath) Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. (winks)

(Elaine (who has returned to her seat) catches Jerry's eye. Though we don't see her face, his drops and he sobers it up.)

PETERMAN: But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. (sighs) An' nowww.. Susie is gone.

MIKE: (running in, still hoarse, desperate!) Hold on! Hol--on! Susie didn't commit suicide! (rushes up to podium!) She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!

(While Mike's pointing at Jerry and everyone's looking, Jerry looks back at Peggy again.)

JERRY: (smugly, under-his-breath) Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

(Peggy and Elaine look at him strangely as he grins during such an inappropriate moment.)

[After dark, Peterman and Elaine are sitting and talking in his office.]

PETERMAN: Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman.. (leaning forward, whispering) I'm Susie.. She's me..

PETERMAN: (leans forward, whispers carefully) I feel the same way. (announcing) And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you have. (leaving, pats her shoulders confidently)

ELAINE: (looks up, screaming in frustration!) Suuuuuuuuuuze!

(During her screaming up to the air, the camera was over her, looking down, and turning around and around, just like it had when George found out that he was going to be running a foundation in honor of Susan!)

The End

S8E16 - The Pothole

Broadcast date: February 20, 1997

Written by Steve O'Donnell and Dan O'Keefe

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kristin Davis ....................... Jenna

Jack McGee ........................ Ralph

George Kee Cheung ........... Owner

Seraiah Carol ...................... Mrs. Allister

Radmar Agana Jao ............. Delivery Boy

Walter Addison ................. Man

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

==================================================================

[Jenna's Apartment: Bathroom]

(Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. Jenna enters.)

JENNA: Morning.

JERRY: Morning.

(She hands him a tube of toothpaste.)

JENNA: Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.

JERRY: (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?

JENNA: I'm gonna grab you a towel.

(Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn't like the taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts his hand on the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush falls into the toilet bowl. )

(There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up. Jerry's face looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror. )

(Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls up the sleeve of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet. He grabs the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately begins frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises his head and finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as she brushes her teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet. )

JERRY: Ooh-ooh

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual.)

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: So? She used the toothbrush!

GEORGE: You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.

JERRY: How many years of med school did you have?

GEORGE: Was she mad?

(Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face.)

GEORGE: You didn't tell her.

JERRY: Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)

GEORGE: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?

JERRY: I'll take fastidious.

(George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a caricature of someone.)

JERRY: What is that?

GEORGE: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.

(He squeezes the miniature head.)

HEAD: Holy cow!

JERRY: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?

GEORGE: Just the last few innings of a double-header.

(Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes over.)

KRAMER: Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.

(He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.)

JERRY: Why didn't you pull over?

KRAMER: Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.

(George squeezes the miniature head.)

HEAD: Holy cow!

KRAMER: Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.

[Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant]

(Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her at home with the phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.)

OWNER: China Panda.

ELAINE: Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

OWNER: Ah yes, what you like?

ELAINE: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?

OWNER: What number?

ELAINE: Forty-seven.

OWNER: Yeah, first time. What else?

ELAINE: Uh, that's it.

OWNER: Address?

ELAINE: Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.

OWNER: That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth.

ELAINE: I'm not below.

OWNER: Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.

ELAINE: Your guy can't cross to my side?

OWNER: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.

ELAINE: Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.

OWNER: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone)

(Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the redial.)

OWNER: (picks up phone) China Panda.

ELAINE: (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order.

OWNER: Ah, what you like?

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.)

KRAMER: Well, I'm a poppa.

JERRY: Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.

KRAMER: (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.

JERRY: Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.

(He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid snapshot in it.)

JERRY: Aw, looks just like you.

KRAMER: Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.

JERRY: So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?

KRAMER: They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.

JERRY: That old scam.

KRAMER: Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.

JERRY: At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.

KRAMER: Quality time.

(George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks about the place, looking for something, frustratedly.)

GEORGE: Keys. I can't find my keys.

JERRY: You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!

GEORGE: Have you seen 'em?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Dammit!

KRAMER: C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?

GEORGE: I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.

KRAMER: Right.

JERRY: Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set.

GEORGE: I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: So you can't duplicate 'em.

(At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.)

KRAMER: Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.

[Street]

(Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks up the street and sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She ducks into the entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects to be coming out of the building as the delivery boy gets there.)

ELAINE: Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?

DELIVERY BOY: (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?

ELAINE: I... thought that I would meet you halfway.

(She takes the bag of food.)

DELIVERY BOY: You really live here?

ELAINE: Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.

(Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects the boy to leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the door, but it's locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the door harder, but it won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives her money. The delivery boy walks off.)

ELAINE: (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!

[Another Street]

(George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry emerges from the store with a carrier bag full of stuff.)

JERRY: Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.

GEORGE: So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?

(They begin to walk along the street.)

JERRY: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?

GEORGE: No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!

(George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less enthusiasm. )

[Eighty-sixth Street]

(George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of his keys.)

GEORGE: Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.

JERRY: You didn't look down?

GEORGE: I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here.

(He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds a patch of fresh tarmac.)

GEORGE: No! No!!

(A car drives by, running right over the patch.)

HEAD (O.C.): Holy, Holy Cow!

JERRY: Poor son of a bitch.

[Jenna's Apartment]

(Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush which Jerry has bought her. It's loud.)

JERRY: It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.

JENNA: It's like I'm holding a blender.

JERRY: The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.

(Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off the brush.)

JERRY: Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.

JENNA: (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?

JERRY: (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.

JENNA: (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.

(In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush into a plastic bag, being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then seals the bag.)

JERRY: No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.

(Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.)

JENNA (O.C.): That stuff tastes like bleach!

(Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.)

JERRY: I don't know anything about that.

(Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the bag with the brush out of the window.)

JENNA: Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.

JERRY: That's the idea.

(Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna leans toward him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the toilet bowl, in black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we see Jenna's lips looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the kiss, and pulls away.)

JERRY: You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.

JENNA: Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.)

ELAINE: You still couldn't kiss her?

JERRY: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

ELAINE: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.

JERRY: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

ELAINE: Jer, do you see where this is going?

JERRY: Being really clean and happy?

ELAINE: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

JERRY: Disorder?

ELAINE: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.

JERRY: (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is.

(We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 'Adopt-a-Highway' and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.)

ELAINE: Shall we stop and say hi?

JERRY: Nah, we've seen it.

ELAINE: Yeah.

[Mile 114]

(Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic bags full of trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He has an armful of assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief beep of the horn is heard.)

KRAMER: (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house!

(He drops the last handful of trash into a bag.)

KRAMER: Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.

(He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road. He notices something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by traffic.)

(Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve the can. His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes and the blare of horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car has to come to a complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side of the road, where he leans on the barrier.)

[Apartment Building]

(Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. She knocks at the door and a guy opens it.)

MAN: Yeah?

ELAINE: Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?

MAN: Wha? What d'you want?

ELAINE: You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.

MAN: Wh, when is that?

ELAINE: No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.

MAN: Who are you with?

ELAINE: No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.

MAN: Who let you in?

ELAINE: Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.

(The man shuts the door in her face.)

(Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door opposite which stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly a janitor's closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and a smile comes to her face.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in the kitchen cleaning highway signs in the sink.)

JERRY: What's with the signs?

KRAMER: Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.

JERRY: Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.

KRAMER: (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.

(George enters.)

JERRY: Hey. So, keys?

GEORGE: No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.

JERRY: I guess they leave that up to the general population.

GEORGE: I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!

JERRY: Hard to say.

KRAMER: Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.

(The buzzer buzzes.)

JERRY: Yeah?

JENNA (O.C.): It's Jenna.

(Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George and Kramer that their presence is no longer required.)

JERRY: If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.

(George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.)

GEORGE: You think you could hook me up with these guys?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four.

GEORGE: Seven-eight-four.

(Jenna enters.)

JENNA: Hey.

JERRY: Hi.

JENNA: How you feeling?

JERRY: Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.

(Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets that revolted look on his again and turns his face away.)

JENNA: What?!

JERRY: Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.

JENNA: What?

JERRY: I'm sorry.

JENNA: When were you gonna tell me this?!

JERRY: Obviously never.

(The door opens and Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: I need the yield sign.

(Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.)

JERRY: Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?

(Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those which were on his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's apartment.)

KRAMER: You could've introduced me.

JERRY: I wouldn't know where to start.

(As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed shut. He tries to open it, but it has been locked.)

JERRY: (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!

(Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready to leave.)

JENNA: There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.

JERRY: What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?

JENNA: Gotta run.

(Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed, looking panicky and disgusted.)

JERRY: Oh, man!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning fluids, disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula. Elaine is eating an apple and watching him.)

JERRY: (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit!

(Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.)

ELAINE: She won't even give you a hint?

JERRY: No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.

ELAINE: You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.

JERRY: Yes, that is a definite possibility.

(He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.)

ELAINE: (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.

(Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash, then a thought occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.)

JERRY: Are you just screwing with me?

ELAINE: Yeah, I am.

(Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the garbage anyway. Kramer enters carrying a box.)

KRAMER: Hey ah.

JERRY: Hey, how's life on the road?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.

JERRY: I don't doubt it.

(Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.)

KRAMER: You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.

(From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.)

JERRY: What's this?

KRAMER: Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)

JERRY: Isn't that some kind of safety thing?

KRAMER: Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.

JERRY: What the hell are you talking about?

KRAMER: Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.

(Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.)

ELAINE: How are you gonna widen the lanes?

KRAMER: Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?

JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.

ELAINE: (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.

JERRY: One-Q? Whose apartment is that?

ELAINE: That's the janitor closet, across the street.

JERRY: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?

ELAINE: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.

(Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids, etc, to his neck, like a cologne.)

KRAMER: That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.

ELAINE: (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.

KRAMER: Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.

ELAINE: Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.

(Elaine leaves.)

KRAMER: Now, where's that tool shed of yours?

[Apartment Building]

(The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at the door to the janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is a piece of tape with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple of seconds then knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around her head, as if her hair is wet.)

ELAINE: Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.

(She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The delivery boy is trying to see past her into the 'apartment'.)

ELAINE: I'll see you.

(She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.)

[Eighty-sixth Street]

(George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck is parked next to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man speaks.)

RALPH: You Costanza?

GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.

RALPH: What're the keys doing in there?

GEORGE: Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.

RALPH: You put 'em in there?

GEORGE: Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.

RALPH: Bad place to put your keys.

GEORGE: Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?

RALPH: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.

GEORGE: (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?

RALPH: Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.

[Mile 114]

(Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either side of his boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing him, and the blare of horns is regularly heard.)

(Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, and loads it with black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans out of the door and rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car with his other hand.)

[Apartment Building]

(Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips, following the flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall notices her.)

MRS ALLISTER: 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?

ELAINE: Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.

MRS ALLISTER: You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.

ELAINE: Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)

MRS ALLISTER: Don't get smart with me.

ELAINE: (meek) Yes ma'am.

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on in the middle of the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.)

RADIO: Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.

(By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.)

[Janitor's Closet]

(Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia - buckets, brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's a knock at the door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.)

ELAINE: Oh it's you.

JERRY: Is the flounder here yet?

ELAINE: No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?

(Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.)

ELAINE: (gesturing) There's this.

JERRY: Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.

(There's another knock at the door.)

ELAINE: (gleeful) The fish!

(She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.)

ELAINE: Ah, what're you doing here?

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

(George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit cramped.)

GEORGE: Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.

JERRY: Kramer's guys?

GEORGE: Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.

JERRY: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.

(The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George who is pushed into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.)

GEORGE: Ow!

ELAINE: Uh, man!

(Kramer enters the now crowded closet.)

KRAMER: Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.

ELAINE: I'm plumb out.

KRAMER: Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby!

(There's yet another knock at the door. More strident.)

MRS ALLISTER (O.C.): Janitor?

ELAINE: (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.

(Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach the door. The she has to make room to swing the door inwards.)

ELAINE: Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.

(She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. The crush behind her slams the door shut.)

ELAINE: Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?

MRS ALLISTER: I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement.

ELAINE: Yeah, I am so sorry.

MRS ALLISTER: Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths.

ELAINE: Well, a lot of it is vegetable...

(In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment and supplies in the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard in the hallway.)

MRS ALLISTER: Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand?

ELAINE: (meekly) Yes ma'am.

(The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.)

GEORGE: ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.

JERRY: I don't feel like eating.

KRAMER: (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh?

ELAINE: (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is clear that Jerry has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was contaminated - his kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of the usual knick-knacks.)

JENNA: So Jerry, why'd you call me?

JERRY: Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?

JENNA: Yes, I did.

JERRY: Well, whatever. So, how've you been?

JENNA: Good.

JERRY: Good. (pause) Steak knife?

JENNA: Just eating away at you isn't it?

JERRY: Nah.

(The door opens and Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hi.

JENNA: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

ELAINE: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?

JERRY: For what?

ELAINE: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.

JERRY: Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt.

ELAINE: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.

JERRY: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.

(He hands the keys to Elaine.)

ELAINE: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.

JERRY: Sure. Bye.

ELAINE: Bye.

JENNA: Bye.

ELAINE: Bye.

(Elaine leaves.)

JERRY: There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!

JENNA: Toilet brush.

JERRY: Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that.

JENNA: You wanna order dinner?

JERRY: Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.

[Eighty-sixth Street]

(Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in overalls and cap, grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder and some paint cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along, she passes George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment and he touches the peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the jackhammer.)

[Street]

(Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of his car. He eventually heaves it in.)

[Jenna's Apartment]

(Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing (looks like Chinese food).)

JERRY: That's true.

JENNA: Mm.

JERRY: But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.

[Eighty-sixth Street]

(George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. Suddenly, there is a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep rumbling sound, from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks around for the source of the noise.)

[Jenna's Apartment]

(Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise can be heard,

though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet starts to

rattle.)

JENNA: Do you hear something?

(They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom, the toilet

rattles again, the cistern shaking.)

JERRY: I don't know what that could be.

(Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.)

[Eighty-sixth Street]

(There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from the ground right in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from above the rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.)

HEAD: Holy cow!

(The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking up at the height of it.)

[Jenna's Apartment]

(In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet, wondering what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living room, still talking to her.)

JERRY: Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever.

(There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed by Jenna screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes to see what has happened.)

(Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is visible to us, but it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result of a violent eruption from the toilet bowl.)

(Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.)

JERRY: Holy cow! Have a nice life.

(He closes the bathroom door as he leaves.)

[Jerry's Car]

(Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage from the basement - old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of the car reveals she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted lane markers can be seen.)

ELAINE: Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.

(We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot falls a battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.)

[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]

(Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. He struggles to heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its side, and the lid comes off, spilling the contents across the road.)

KRAMER: Bugger!

[Newman's Truck]

(Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes, marked 'Fresh Fish'.)

NEWMAN: (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.

(There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine. Tyres squeal as Newman regains control.)

NEWMAN: What the hell was that?

(The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught on the front axle. As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks behind.)

[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]

(Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices the warning

labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.)

KRAMER: Double bugger!

[Newman's Truck]

(Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing machine is almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing a shower of sparks under the truck.)

NEWMAN: (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...

(Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the sparks ignite it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the windows. Newman begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.)

NEWMAN: Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!

[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]

(Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and slams the lid down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is walking stiffly, and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and clothing. He's staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending of his surroundings.)

KRAMER: Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?

(Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.)

KRAMER: Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.

(Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens can be heard. Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.)

KRAMER: Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?

(Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. The sirens

continue.)

KRAMER: Newman! Newman!!

(Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to Newman.)

KRAMER: Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

(He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres. Newman continues his walk.)

(As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming 'Aargh!'. )

The End

S8E17 - The English Patient

Broadcast date: March 13, 1997

Written by Steve Koren

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lloyd Bridges ...................... Izzy Mandelbaum

Chelsea Noble ...................... Danielle

O'Neal Compton .................. Earl Haffler

Lisa Mende .......................... Carol

Gene Dynarski ..................... Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.

Marco Rodriguez ................. Guillermo

Joseph Urla .......................... Dugan

Jill Talley ............................... Gail

Jill Holden ............................ Lisa

Todd Jeffries ........................ Blaine

Earl Schuman ........................ Izzy Mandelbaum Sr.

Edgar Small .......................... Sid Luckman

Lauren Bowles ..................... Waitress

Juan Garcia ........................... Jaime

Jeff Miller .............................. Neil

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Subway Train]

(Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.)

JERRY: You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?

ELAINE: Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?

JERRY: He's wailing on that banjo.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: I just don't understand the raisinettes.

ELAINE: The sax player?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes.

ELAINE: So?

JERRY: Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.

ELAINE: HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.

JERRY: Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.

ELAINE: He's a musician.

JERRY: Musicians. Get a real job.

(They shrug and return to their reading.)

[Monk's]

(George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes over to take his order.)

WAITRESS: What d'you want?

GEORGE: Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.

(The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind him, a beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.)

DANIELLE: (to George) Neil.

(The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.)

DANIELLE: Neil.

(George turns to face the woman.)

DANIELLE: (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.

GEORGE: (bemused) Really?

DANIELLE: (smiling) Yeah.

GEORGE: (pointing to himself) Like me?

DANIELLE: Uh-huh. Sorry.

(Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.)

GEORGE: (confused, to himself) Like me? But how?

(The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter before George.)

WAITRESS: Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?

GEORGE: Yes, yes, I am.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought in a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.)

KRAMER: Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.

Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of the shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.

KRAMER: Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.

JERRY: (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.

(George enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey. You ready?

JERRY: Almost.

KRAMER: Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?

JERRY: (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy.

KRAMER: Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.

JERRY: (grudging) Alright.

KRAMER: Yeahh. I owe you one.

JERRY: (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.

(Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge and wanders into the living room, talking.)

GEORGE: Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.

JERRY: (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.

GEORGE: (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?

JERRY: Maybe he has money.

GEORGE: (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.

JERRY: (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.

GEORGE: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.

JERRY: (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?

(Jerry opens the door as George looks at him.)

GEORGE: (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.

(George leaves, followed by Jerry.)

[Outside Movie Theatre]

(Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.)

BLAINE: So, what d'you wanna see?

ELAINE: (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?

BLAINE: (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up for all those Oscars.

(Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's choice.)

ELAINE: Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.

BLAINE: It's a family in a brown paper bag.

ELAINE: (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?

BLAINE: No.

(Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the ticket booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.)

ELAINE: (disappointment) Aww. Sold out.

BLAINE: (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.

(Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys tickets.)

ELAINE: So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?

[Monk's]

(Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters and sees her.)

GEORGE: (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like Neil?

DANIELLE: (smiling back) Hi.

GEORGE: Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?

DANIELLE: Oh, no. He got held up at work.

GEORGE: Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar.

DANIELLE: Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.

GEORGE: (disappointment) Oh. Course not.

DANIELLE: No, you're a little taller.

(George looks ever more bewildered.)

DANIELLE: You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work out?

GEORGE: (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...

(Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not against the idea.)

GEORGE: ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number?

(Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.)

[Outside Movie Theatre]

(Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English Patient.)

ELAINE: (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!

BLAINE: I kinda liked it.

ELAINE: (firm) No you didn't.

(From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see her. They're all holding tissues.)

CAROL: Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?

GAIL: (tearful) Didn't you love it?

LISA: How could you not love that movie?

ELAINE: How about, it sucked?

CAROL: That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.

ELAINE: (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.

(Blaine gives Elaine a strange look.)

[Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista]

(Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment - exercise bike, weights, etc.)

MORTY: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.

JERRY: Stairmaster?

MORTY: What?

JERRY: Nothin'.

MORTY: (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?

(Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.)

JERRY: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?

MORTY: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.

JERRY: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.

(In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and begins doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.)

MORTY: Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch this.

(Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.)

MORTY: See that? You couldn't do that.

JERRY: I could, but I choose not to.

(Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise bike and climbs aboard.)

SID: Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?

MORTY: This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.

JERRY: (protesting) I..I didn't say that.

SID: (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can.

(Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to the floor with a clunk.)

IZZY: Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.

JERRY: (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.

SID: That's not so funny.

IZZY: (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?

MORTY: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.

JERRY: (jocular) Eighteen-fifties?

IZZY: Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) Let's see you lift that.

JERRY: (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...

IZZY: C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!

JERRY: (consenting) Alright.

IZZY: Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.

(Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.)

JERRY: There. Alright?

IZZY: Step aside, stringbean.

(Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps in front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.)

IZZY: I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.

(Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into the lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror comes to his face.)

IZZY: (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.

(Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's face down on the floor.)

IZZY: (drawn out) Aaaahh.

(Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.)

SID: Somebody, call an ambulance.

MORTY: (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman. There's room for one more.

[Outside Movie Theatre]

(Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's buying her ticket from the booth.

ELAINE: (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.

(Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming out.)

ELAINE: (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?

LISA: We just saw The English Patient again.

GAIL: It's even better the second time.

ELAINE: They make it longer?

(Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.)

BLAINE: (to the girls) Got my umbrella.

ELAINE: (shocked) Blaine!?

BLAINE: Elaine.

ELAINE: I thought you were busy tonight.

BLAINE: (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.

ELAINE: It's just a stupid movie.

BLAINE: (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.

CAROL: (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.

BLAINE: (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!

(Blaine walks away with the girls.)

ELAINE: (fierce) I will!

[Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista]

(Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are in their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.)

HELEN: (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.

JERRY: (defensive) He egged me on.

HELEN: You should be more mature.

JERRY: He's eighty!

MORTY: (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. Now, goodnight.

(Morty begins to head to the bedroom.)

HELEN: (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight.

MORTY: This shirt will never leave my body.

(Helen follows Morty down the short hallway.)

HELEN: (to Jerry) Goodnight.

JERRY: (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.

(There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three Hispanic-looking guys.)

GUILLERMO: Jerry Seinfeld please.

JERRY: Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars?

(The guys enter.)

GUILLERMO: What cigars?

JERRY: Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.

GUILLERMO: (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.

(Jerry stares, stunned.)

[Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]

(Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove, and Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and Kramer answers.)

KRAMER: Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.

(In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch and a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.)

JERRY: (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!

KRAMER: I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?

JERRY: Cigars!

KRAMER: Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys.

JERRY: (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.

(Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.

(Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.)

MORTY: (without looking up) Who are they?

JERRY: They're Cuban cigar rollers.

MORTY: (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.

(Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone.)

JERRY: What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?

KRAMER: Hot and spicy.

JERRY: (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?

KRAMER: Yes I am.

JERRY: What colour is it?

(Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.)

KRAMER: Damn!

(Kramer hangs up the phone.)

[New York Hallway]

(George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a napkin in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking at George, very much as if she's interested.)

GEORGE: You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't have to take me out to dinner.

DANIELLE: I wanted to give it to you in person.

(George shrugs his understanding.)

DANIELLE: (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.

(Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.)

GEORGE: Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?

DANIELLE: (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.

GEORGE: (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls.

DANIELLE: Well, goodnight.

(Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely oblivious to Danielle. )

GEORGE: (hurried) I'll see you.

(Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.)

[Monk's]

(An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee.)

WAITRESS: Rough night?

ELAINE: Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.

WAITRESS: Really? I thought it was pretty good.

ELAINE: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!

WAITRESS: (sour) Well, I liked it.

(The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.)

ELAINE: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!

[Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista]

(Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit. Izzy is asleep in the bed.)

JERRY: This is quite a condo.

MORTY: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.

JERRY: The crepe place?

MORTY: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.

JERRY: (doubtful) There's crepe money?

(Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.)

IZZY: What are you doing here?

JERRY: (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.

(Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.)

IZZY: What the hell is that?

JERRY: What?

IZZY: That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?

MORTY: This was a gift from my son.

(Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.)

IZZY: Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.

(Izzy starts to move to get out of bed.)

JERRY: Mr Mandelbaum, please.

IZZY: It's go time.

(Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in his stance, arms raised.)

IZZY: (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.

(Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.)

MORTY: Call an ambulance.

JERRY: I think I saw one a coupla doors down.

(Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.)

[Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]

(Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table.)

JERRY: (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!

(Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.)

GEORGE: (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.

JERRY: (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.

GEORGE: (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?

JERRY: I don't know, but you better keep it up.

GEORGE: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!

(George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.)

JERRY: (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.

(In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt.)

MORTY: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?

JERRY: I will, I just walked in the door.

HELEN: You have to go see him.

JERRY: Ma.

MORTY: Helen, will you stop bothering him.

HELEN: Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.

MORTY: Number One, signing off.

(The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.)

KRAMER: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!?

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

JERRY: What's the difference?

KRAMER: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.

JERRY: (confused) We're talking about people, right?

KRAMER: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.

JERRY: I thought they smelled pretty nice.

KRAMER: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

JERRY: Is not.

KRAMER: Is too.

JERRY: Is not.

KRAMER: Is too.

JERRY: I'm not having this conversation.

KRAMER: Are too.

JERRY: Am not.

KRAMER: Are too.

JERRY: Am not.

KRAMER: Are too.

[J Peterman's Office]

(Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick up notes, photographs, etc.)

PETERMAN: Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary.

DUGAN: (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.

(Dugan walks away.)

PETERMAN: Elaine, what'd you think?

ELAINE: (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.

PETERMAN: (aghast) You haven't seen it?

ELAINE: (shakes head) No.

PETERMAN: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.

(Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.)

[The New York Hospital]

(Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.)

JERRY: Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.

(Jerry turns to walk out.)

IZZY: Uh, oh, wait.

(Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it up to his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest DAD!')

IZZY: How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me.

JERRY: (humouring him) That's very nice.

IZZY: The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better than just number one.

JERRY: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.

(Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on the door, attracting Izzy's attention.)

IZZY: Hi, son.

IZZY JR.: Hi daddy.

JERRY: (surprise) This is your son?

IZZY: I got married in high school.

IZZY JR.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?

IZZY: This is Seinfeld's kid.

IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.

JERRY: (jocular) You got any kids?

IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.

JERRY: (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.

IZZY: (pointing) The television.

JERRY: (under his breath) Oh no.

(Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.)

IZZY JR.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.

(Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as he tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry cringes in the background.)

IZZY JR.: (pained) Ohh! My back!

IZZY: (urgent) Call an ambulance.

JERRY: (laconic) We're already in a hospital.

[Earl Haffler's Office]

(A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking, stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.)

HAFFLER: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.

KRAMER: (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.

(Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.)

KRAMER: They're right out here.

(Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.)

KRAMER: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.

(Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.)

HAFFLER: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?

KRAMER: (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.

HAFFLER: (confusion) We're talking about people, right?

KRAMER: (puzzled) I think so.

HAFFLER: I thought he quit smoking cigars.

KRAMER: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for a second) ...Dennis.

HAFFLER: (dubious) Dennis Castro?

KRAMER: Uh, Dwayne.

HAFFLER: Get the hell outta my office.

KRAMER: (shrill) What!?

[Monk's]

(Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.)

DANIELLE: You know, Neil called me today.

GEORGE: (interested) Really?

DANIELLE: Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with you.

GEORGE: (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.

DANIELLE: He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.

GEORGE: (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me.

DANIELLE: (surprised) What?

GEORGE: (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.

(Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.)

[Movie Theatre]

(Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing and many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is particularly emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces of popcorn up in the air to try and catch them in her mouth.)

PETERMAN: (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.

(One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her seat. Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping in her seat wearily.)

ELAINE: (indifferent) Yuh.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from a bottle of some anti-acid medication.)

JERRY: (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?

GEORGE: I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.

JERRY: (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?

(George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.)

GEORGE: (animated) Then I'm going to Mars!

JERRY: What if it's Neil Diamond?

GEORGE: (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!

JERRY: Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.

GEORGE: What, to see the old guy?

JERRY: No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.

GEORGE: How old's the son?

JERRY: I think he's the same age as the father.

GEORGE: What is with this family?

JERRY: I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.

(Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where the three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he moves over to join Jerry and George.)

KRAMER: (quietly) Hey, Jerry.

(Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.)

KRAMER: (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.

JERRY: You're cold?

KRAMER: No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.

JERRY: Something wrong with your chest?

KRAMER: (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.

JERRY: (leaning round Kramer) Where?

KRAMER: (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.

(Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, as they try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.)

KRAMER: Over there. The Dominicans.

JERRY: Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?

KRAMER: Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do.

GEORGE: So?

KRAMER: So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.

(In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to underscore a point in his argument.)

JERRY: Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.

KRAMER: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!

(Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the sound.)

[The New York Hospital]

(Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.)

JERRY: I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.

IZZY JR.: I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.

JERRY: He couldn't handle the weight.

IZZY: (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?

IZZY JR.: (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!

JERRY: (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me.

IZZY: Okay.

(An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He spreads his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.)

IZZY SR.: My boys.

IZZY: My dad.

IZZY JR.: My grandpa.

JERRY: (incredulous) Oh, come on!

IZZY SR.: (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?

JERRY: He was trying to lift the TV.

IZZY SR.: (pointing) That TV?

(Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.)

JERRY: (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.

(Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound.)

IZZY IZZY SR.. (O.C.): (pained) Oohh!

[The New York Hospital]

(All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same room.)

IZZY SR.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!

IZZY: I still thought you could do it.

IZZY JR.: Me too.

IZZY/IZZY JR/IZZY IZZY SR.: (chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...

JERRY: Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.

IZZY: Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games.

JERRY: (defensive) I didn't ruin your business.

IZZY: Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up.

JERRY: (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?

IZZY: Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan!

JERRY: (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?

IZZY: Yeah.

JERRY: (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.

(Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.)

IZZY SR.: (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.

(Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries it across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places it.)

JERRY: Here.

(Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.)

IZZY: You think you're better than us, don't you?! Huh!?

[Movie Theatre]

(Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with boredom.)

PETERMAN: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion.

ELAINE: (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!

(The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her seat.)

PETERMAN: (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?

ELAINE: (shouts) I hate it!!

CROWD: Shh!

ELAINE: (shouts) Oh, go to hell!!

PETERMAN: (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.

ELAINE: (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.

(Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.)

[Magic Pan Restaurant]

(Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.)

JERRY: He was gonna fire you?

ELAINE: The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.

JERRY: Tunisia?

ELAINE: That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.

JERRY: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

ELAINE: I have to live in a cave.

JERRY: (sardonic) Oh. (smiles)

(Kramer comes over to the booth.)

KRAMER: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona.

(The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around fillings.)

KRAMER: (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?

(The Dominican smiles back.)

(Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with Neil. Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.)

DANIELLE: I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.

(Neil's head drops at this news.)

DANIELLE: Come on, let's just eat our crepes.

(The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various tables.)

(At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.)

CUSTOMER: (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!

(At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded with a faceful of blistering filling.)

(Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into his face.)

DANIELLE: (concerned cry) Neil!

(The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine, Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.)

JERRY: Why are the crepes spraying?

KRAMER: (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.

(Another scream rents the air.)

[Metropolitan Hospital Center]

(In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages and an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the remains of a hospital meal on a tray. George enters.)

GEORGE: Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?

DANIELLE: Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.

(George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed.)

GEORGE: (to Danielle) Whose cane is this?

DANIELLE: It's Neil's.

(Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a sink in the corner as George speaks.)

GEORGE: (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr Peanut.

(Danielle brings back the jug.)

GEORGE: Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key made for you.

(George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.)

DANIELLE: George, I can't move in with you.

GEORGE: (shocked) What?

DANIELLE: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.

GEORGE: (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents!

DANIELLE: Sorry George.

(Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders toward the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.)

NEIL: (beckoning) George.

(George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.)

NEIL: (quiet triumph) I win.

(George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a few inches and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of the IV line and tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. Then the hand is withdrawn and the door closes again.)

[Plane]

(Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book. She listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.)

TAN: Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature presentation...

ELAINE: (dread) No, no, no, no, no.

TAN: ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.

ELAINE: (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.

(Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a seat beside her wants to get out.)

GUY: Excuse me, please.

ELAINE: Oh, sure.

(The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to his body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a '#1 DAD' t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.)

ELAINE: (uncomfortable) Ooh.

(The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other guys in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican guys.)

GUILLERMO: Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants...

(From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two guys also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.)

GUILLERMO: ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!

(There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, etc.)

GUILLERMO: Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!

ELAINE: (annoyed) Aww, nuts!

The End

S8E18 - The Nap

Broadcast date: April 10, 1997

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stephen Lee ........................ Conrad

Vince Grant ......................... Hal

Angelo Tiffe ........................ Delivery Man

Jonell Kennedy ................... Secretary

Mik Scriba ........................... Bomb Squad Guy

Terry Rhoads ..................... Father

Sid Newman ....................... Old Man

Kevin Keckeisen ................. Brian

Kyle Sullivan ...................... Son

rc: Richard Herd ............... Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Monks]

GEORGE: Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy.

JERRY: That's good stuff.

GEORGE: I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.

JERRY: Can you grab a nap at work.

GEORGE: Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.

ELAINE: Bye.

JERRY: So what are you doing now?

ELAINE: I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.

JERRY: With a gentleman caller?

ELAINE: Yes, his name is Hal.

JERRY: The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person.

ELAINE: It's the next best thing to being alone.

(Kramer enters - wet head)

JERRY: Shower?

KRAMER: No, pool. I just swam 200 laps.

ELAINE: You are kidding.

KRAMER: Look at hose babies [hands]. They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming?

JERRY: A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.

ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right?

ELAINE: What exactly was that kid?

KRAMER: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

[Yankee Stadium]

WILHELM: Oh, George, have you seen the American league directory? It is a big green book. Oh, thanks kiddo.

[Central park]

HAL:

ELAINE: Well I don't care. It was delicious.

ELAINE: Wanna sit down?

HAL: Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back.

ELAINE: Really?

HAL: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.

ELAINE: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations".

HAL: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".

[Jerry's Apartment]

CONRAD: Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?

JERRY: Yeah.

CONRAD: I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.

JERRY: You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?

CONRAD: Oh, these are different.

JERRY: Drop one. . . . left!

(George enters)

GEORGE: Jerry, look at my eyes.

JERRY: A little less beady today.

GEORGE: Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.

JERRY: Sounds like a really cool fort.

CONRAD: Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it?

JERRY: I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it.

GEORGE: Conrad, is it?

CONRAD: Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer.

GEORGE: Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom?

JERRY: He's kind of tied up here.

GEORGE: It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you?

CONRAD: There is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . .

JERRY: Why don't you just work on George's project for a while?

CONRAD: Whatever you want.

(Next day - on the telephone)

JERRY: So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal.

ELAINE: Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. [knock knock]. I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah!

DELIVERY GUY: Delivery. Elaine Benes?

ELAINE: Yeah.

DELIVERY GUY: We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress.

ELAINE: Mattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?

[Yankee Stadium]

GEORGE: Do you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock?

CONRAD: You mean like that big?

GEORGE: Like this.

CONRAD: Yeah, I can do that.

GEORGE: Thanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket?

CONRAD: Blanket or quilt?

GEORGE: Blanket.

CONRAD: That thick?

GEORGE: Maybe like this.

CONRAD: Like that?

GEORGE: Yeah, like that.

CONRAD: If that is what you want.

GEORGE: That is what I want.

(Later)

CONRAD: Hey George, you want this cup holder mounted on the left, or the right, or the middle, . . .

GEORGE: Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home.

GEORGE: Its been a long night. You go home and get some sleep.

CONRAD: If that's what you want.

GEORGE: That's what I want.

WILHELM: Morning George.

GEORGE: Good morning Mr. Wilhelm.

(George escapes under his desk)

KRAMER: got problems Jerry.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine.

JERRY: How long did that last?

KRAMER: A half hour then diving class started. Well… that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry.

(Elaine enters)

JERRY: How was the movie?

ELAINE: I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy.

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: He's got a back problem.

JERRY: So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.

ELAINE: After one date!

KRAMER: What's that guy's last name again?

ELAINE: Kitzmiller.

KRAMER: Oh, that's right.

JERRY: So what are you going to do with the mattress?

ELAINE: I don't know. Chuck it?

KRAMER: Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.

ELAINE: Oh, all right.

KRAMER: My old one sprung a leak.

ELAINE: You have a water bed?

KRAMER: Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach.

(Conrad enters)

CONRAD: Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways.

JERRY: How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today!

CONRAD: Couple of questions for you.

JERRY: No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.

CONRAD: All right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want.

JERRY: Just . . . do it.

(Jerry exits)

[George's office]

STEINBRENNER: Costanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excusé mois? Have you seen Costanza?

SECRETARY: I've seen him around.

STEINBRENNER: Um, I'm stuck on this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know the name of that. "She's a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh. Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what? I can't stay awake for that guy. What is this? People? Um, the most beautiful people people. Ally Selica, Nothing wrong with that uh?

[Monks]

HAL: Elaine, your taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what Ii intended.

ELAINE: Well, what did you intend, Hal?

HAL: I just wanted you to have the comfort and report you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.

ELAINE: Custom designed?

HAL: They adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. Five eight, about 110 pounds?

ELAINE: Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

HAL: So you do like the mattress?

ELAINE: Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it.

[East River]

FATHER: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.

SON: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.

FATHER: Naw, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they through the body in the river.

[Jerry's hall]

KRAMER: Jer.

JERRY: Hi.

KRAMER: Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

JERRY: What is that smell?

KRAMER: That's East River.

JERRY: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?

KRAMER: Technically Norfok has more gross tonnage.

JERRY: How could you swim in that water?

KRAMER: I saw a couple of other guys out there.

JERRY: Swimming?

KRAMER: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry looks around the new renovation.)

[Elaine's]

ELAINE: (on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye.

ELAINE: Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh!

[George's Office]

STEINBRENNER: What is with this guy? I've been waiting three and a half hours. Should I go? No way Jack! ??? at the registrar again, I'll tell you that.

SeConrad: Mr. Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNER: That's what they call me.

SeConrad: Your grandchildren are here to see you.

STEINBRENNER: Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. … little people .. pony express … wow,

[Jerry's]

JERRY: (on phone) hello.

GEORGE: Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help[ me.

JERRY: Who is this?

GEORGE: Jerry, . . .

BRADY: Hi,

GEORGE: Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.

BRADY: Hi, I'm Brady.

GEORGE: ?? get away??

JERRY: Why don't you just have him paged?

GEORGE: Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.

JERRY: A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?

GEORGE: Just CALL!

JERRY: I should have some reason.

STEINBRENNER: Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . "

SeConrad: Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.

STEINBRENNER: A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk.

[Steinbrenner's office]

STEINBRENNER: Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.

GEORGE: I'm sorry sir.

STEINBRENNER: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.

GEORGE: What?

STEINBRENNER: ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.

[Jerry's new renovated apartment]

ELAINE: Jerry, Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: What the hell is this? Where are you?

JERRY: Over here. You can see right through here.

ELAINE: What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.

JERRY: It's kind of cozy.

ELAINE: Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.

JERRY: Does it smell like the East River?

ELAINE: How did you know?

JERRY: Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.

ELAINE: Oh, GREAT!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.

ELAINE: Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.

KRAMER: Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.

(George enters)

GEORGE: Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here?

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is.

ELAINE: It is obtrusive, isn't it?

KRAMER: It is very obtrusive.

JERRY: I don't think it's that bad.

KRAMER: You can't get a stool in here.

JERRY: No the stools go over there.

KRAMER: No, that's no good. I'm leaving.

ELAINE: I'm with you. I'm going back to my place.

GEORGE: Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?

JERRY: You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.

GEORGE: Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me.

JERRY: Hey look at you.

GEORGE: Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.

JERRY: No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.

GEORGE: ??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

JERRY: Could you at least get a hat for me?

GEORGE: FINE? WHAT SIZE?

JERRY: Seven and five eighths

GEORGE: SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!

JERRY: Why are you shouting?

GEORGE: I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here.

[Elaine's]

HAL: So are you liking the mattress?

ELAINE: I am totally loving it. Uh, you know … we should um … get going.

HAL: What is that smell?

ELAINE: What smell?

HAL: I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it.

ELAINE: No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.

HAL: Claming?

ELAINE: Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.

[Steinbrenner's office]

STEINBRENNER: Yes, yes, come in.

GEORGE: Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here.

STEINBRENNER: Just let me ask you something. Is it "February" or " February"? Because I prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"?

(phone ring)

GEORGE: Let me put that on speaker phone.

STEINBRENNER: Hello are you the bomber?

JERRY: Yes this is the terrorist bomber.

STEINBRENNER: Costanza here is busting his ass on those hats.

JERRY: think I've changed my mind.

STEINBRENNER: You don't want them, then goodbye.

GEORGE: ??? sir.

STEINBRENNER: Well what do you want instead?

JERRY: What?

STEINBRENNER: Well, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something.

JERRY: I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.

STEINBRENNER: All right George, you can handle that.

(George hangs up phone)

STEINBRENNER: Costanza what the hell are you doing?

GEORGE: You have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone.

STEINBRENNER: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm going, pal. And I'll tell you something else. I'm very nervous.

[On the street]

ELAINE: Gotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza.

HAL: It's just more cheese.

ELAINE: I'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer!

KRAMER: Oh, hey,

ELAINE: Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal.

KRAMER: Hal, .. uh Langerhans.

HAL: Kitzmiller.

KRAMER: Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right

ELAINE: You feeling jiff?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm jiff.

HAL: That smell…

KRAMER: Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can.

ELAINE: Oh, baby.

[Under George's desk]

(alarm clock)

GEORGE: Finished.

[At the river]

HAL: Kramer? Can I talk to you a minute?

KRAMER: Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . .

HAL: Kitzmiller.

KRAMER: That's it.

HAL: You and Elaine are pretty close.

KRAMER: Oh, we go back a ways.

HAL: And you've, . . . how do I put this? You've been in her bed?

KRAMER: That's right.

HAL: But this isn't still going on.

KRAMER: No, no. She put a stop to that.

HAL: That's all I needed to know. So you actually swim in this thing?

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back.

HAL: Great for the back. Right.

KRAMER: Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup.

[George's office]

STEINBRENNER: "Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, …" Hey George, I remember that tune. George? George? Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh, oooh,…wo wo wo wo . [runs out] fire in the hole!

[Elaine's]

ELAINE: I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . .

[Jerry's]

CONRAD: You want it back the way it was?

JERRY: Yeah, that's right.

CONRAD: You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision.

(phone rings)

JERRY: One second. Hello.

ELAINE: Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out.

JERRY: Just lie down.

ELAINE: I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.

JERRY: All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go.

CONRAD: Stay, go whatever.

[At the river, Hall and more people]

HAL: Hey, Kramer.

KRAMER: What's going on?

HAL: I told my Chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back heal. He recommended it to all his patients.

OLD MAN: Step aside.

KRAMER: He just sunk like a stone.

[Steinbrenner's office]

GEORGE: Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.

STEINBRENNER: Don't be so sure George. Mess with them and they're messing with you. All right boys send it in

(bomb disposal robot enters George's office)

STEINBRENNER: What's that figure ahead? Is that anything? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. Search each one of those drawers starting with the top one. So, empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?

BOMB COP: Looks like there's more compartments underneath.

STEINBRENNER: Compartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip. I'll tell you what George. Starting tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite tables and four leSTEINBRENNER.

[East River]

KRAMER: Hey, watch where you're kicking!

ELAINE: Kramer.

KRAMER: Elaine

ELAINE: I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Yeah.

[Jerry's]

GEORGE: Hi Connie, Jerry around?

CONRAD: No, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard what happened to the desk.

GEORGE: There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.

CONRAD: Yeah, well, whatever. See ya'

[Later at Jerry's]

(Jerry enters)

JERRY: Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat!

The End

S8E19 - The Yada Yada

Broadcast date: April 24, 1997

Written by Peter Mehlman and Jill Franklyn

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Robert Wagner .................... Dr. Abbott

Jill St. John ............................ Mrs. Abbott

Debra Messing ..................... Beth

Bryan Cranston ................... Dr. Tim Whatley

Suzanne Cryer ..................... Marcy (The Yada Yada)

Stephen Caffrey ................... Arnie

Henry Woronicz .................. Father Curtis

Monica Lacey ....................... Julie

Ali Marsh ............................. Karen

David Chandler ................... Brian

Virginia Watson ................... Nun

Walter Franks ..................... Waiter

Jerry Maren ........................ Dad

rc: Danny Woodburn .......... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

[Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.]

GEORGE: So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday.

MARCY: Why?

GEORGE: I was naked.

MARCY: Oh, George.

JERRY: I saw it.

MARCY: How'd he look?

JERRY: Okay. I wouldn't see it again.

MARCY: You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.

GEORGE: Really? What happened?

MARCY: Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up)

JERRY: I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada."

GEORGE: Is "yada yada" bad?

JERRY: No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.

GEORGE: She is succinct.

JERRY: Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.

GEORGE: Yeah, dentist of the stars.

JERRY: What's up?

TIM: I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.

JERRY: Excuse me?

TIM: I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.

JERRY: Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.

TIM: Thanks.

GEORGE: Hey, where you just at the health club?

TIM: Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks)

[Elaine and Jerry at his place.]

JERRY: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.

ELAINE: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.

JERRY: Booze is not a religion.

ELAINE: Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.

JERRY: Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage.

ELAINE: What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.

JERRY: I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.

ELAINE: Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt)

KRAMER: Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey?

MICKEY: We're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots.

ELAINE: Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking.

KRAMER: Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap.

ELAINE: How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other)

[Marcy and George in his car.]

MARCY: So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.

GEORGE: What a succinct story.

MARCY: I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.

GEORGE: Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.

MARCY: Are you close with your parents?

GEORGE: Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada...

MARCY: Yada what?

GEORGE: Yada yada yada...

[At Mickey and Kramer's date.]

KAREN: (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt.

MICKEY: Oh, thank you. It's 100 cotton, and some wool.

KRAMER: Well, you too seem to have the same taste.

JULIE: Well I like it, too.

KRAMER: Well I have the same shirt.

MICKEY: Yeah, well I'm wearin' it.

JULIE: I like your shirt too.

KAREN: Oh, so do I.

KRAMER: Oh. (Waiter approaches table)

WAITER: Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.

MICKEY: I like Merlot.

KAREN: I love Merlot.

JULIE: I'm crazy about Merlot.

KRAMER: I live for Merlot.

WAITER: We're out of Merlot.

[Cut to the adoption agency.]

AGENT: So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, yeah.

AGENT: Do you socialize with them often?

ELAINE: Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff.

AGENT: Oh.

ELAINE: Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake)

[Jerry is in the dental chair when George enters.]

GEORGE: Oh, you're in here.

JERRY: What're you doing here?

GEORGE: I knew you had an appointment.

JERRY: Well this is very awkward.

GEORGE: I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)

JERRY: Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth.

GEORGE: Hey, what this thing? Whew!

JERRY: All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)

GEORGE: Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?

JERRY: George...

TIM: Um...

GEORGE: Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves)

TIM: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?

JERRY: Hey.

TIM: Those aren't mahtzah balls.

JERRY: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?

TIM: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?

JERRY: I know, but...

TIM: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.

JERRY: 5000.

TIM: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride.

[Jerry and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.

ELAINE: Why are you so concerned about this?

JERRY: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)

PHONE: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?

JERRY: Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)

KRAMER: I don't believe that.

MICKEY: If you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out.

KRAMER: Why were you holding the door open for?

MICKEY: Not for you! Who holds a door open for a man?

KRAMER: Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong!

MICKEY: Let's just put they're names in a hat.

KRAMER: I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?

MICKEY: I'm not sure she was my type.

KRAMER: Oh, everybody's your type.

MICKEY: What the hell does that mean?

KRAMER: You've been married three times.

MICKEY: That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine)

JERRY: All right, take it easy.

ELAINE: Hey, hey, hey!

KRAMER: Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw!

ELAINE: Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.

MICKEY: That's not bad.

KRAMER: All right, so we let the girls decide.

MICKEY: Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?

KRAMER: Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.

MICKEY: No, no one wears the shirt next time.

KRAMER: That's right, 'cause they already saw it.

MICKEY: We'll look like idiots. (They exit)

[George and Marcy at Monk's.]

GEORGE: Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.

MARCY: So what's she doing now?

GEORGE: Yada.

MARCY: Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.

[Beth and Arnie see Elaine walking down the street.]

ELAINE: Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?

ARNIE: Well our adoption application was denied.

ELAINE: Really.

BETH: The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.

ELAINE: Oh.

BETH: So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent.

ELAINE: Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it.

[Cut to the dentist waiting room.]

JERRY: How you doing?

FATHER: I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim)

TIM: Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits)

JERRY: Whatley. (Like "Newman")

[At Kramer and Mickey's date, they enter to find the girls already at the table.]

KRAMER: What are they doing here?

MICKEY: I told you we should've gotten here a half hour early.

KRAMER: All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do?

MICKEY: All right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want?

KRAMER: All right, I'll take Julie.

MICKEY: I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.

KRAMER: All right, I'll take Karen.

MICKEY: No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen.

KRAMER: All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)

[Jerry's.]

JERRY: So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."

ELAINE: You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!

JERRY: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.

ELAINE: So what're you gonna do?

JERRY: I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.

ELAINE: (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.

JERRY: They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?

ELAINE: Thought it would be nice.

JERRY: Poor Beth.

ELAINE: Hey, Arnie's just as upset.

JERRY: Oh screw him! (George enters)

GEORGE: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.

ELAINE: (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

JERRY: But you yada yada'd over the best part.

ELAINE: No, I mentioned the bisk.

GEORGE: Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Well, I gotta do somethin'.

JERRY: George is already in there.

KRAMER: (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.

JERRY: I thought you were leaning towards Julie.

KRAMER: I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen.

[George and Marcy at Monk's.]

GEORGE: Well it was a helluva yada yada.

MARCY: He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada--

GEORGE: All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story.

MARCY: Okay.

GEORGE: Tell me about the free facial.

MARCY: Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store.

GEORGE: Which one?

MARCY: Bloomingdale's.

GEORGE: Very good. Go on.

MARCY: Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch.

GEORGE: What's that?

MARCY: And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill.

GEORGE: Shoplifting.

MARCY: Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause)

[Jerry at the church approaches a nun.]

JERRY: Excuse me, Mother?

NUN: Sister.

JERRY: Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?

NUN: Well not until tomorrow.

JERRY: Hmm, I really need to speak with him.

(Jerry enters confessional, sits down on kneeler. Father Curtis opens sliding door.)

FATHER: That's a kneeler.

JERRY: Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)

FATHER: Tell me your sins, my son.

JERRY: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

FATHER: That's no sin.

JERRY: Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

FATHER: And this offends you as a Jewish person.

JERRY: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.

FATHER: Well.

JERRY: And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.

FATHER: I haven't heard that one.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father...

FATHER: One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.

JERRY: You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?

FATHER: Um...

JERRY: Newer magazines.

FATHER: Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.)

GEORGE: Jerry, I gotta talk to you.

[Kramer knocks on Karen's apartment door, she opens the door.]

KRAMER: Hi.

KAREN: Hi, Kramer.

KRAMER: Got a minute?

KAREN: Uh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them?

KRAMER: Sure.

KAREN: (Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad.

KRAMER: Hi.

[At Monk's, Arnie is talking to Elaine.]

ARNIE: Elaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there?

ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh....

ARNIE: All right, shut up!

ELAINE: Again you are telling me to shut up?

ARNIE: What?

ELAINE: You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby.

ARNIE: Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?

ELAINE: Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out.

ARNIE: All right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits)

ELAINE: See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling.

[At the dentist, Tim is working on Jerry.]

JERRY: (In pain) Oh, are you about done?

TIM: I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

JERRY: Huh?

TIM: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.

JERRY: What about all your Jewish jokes?

TIM: I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.

JERRY: The Jews?

TIM: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?

JERRY: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

[Jerry enters his apartment to see Kramer talking on his phone.]

KRAMER: So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)

JERRY: Date with Karen?

KRAMER: No, Julie. She's the one.

JERRY: What happened to Karen?

KRAMER: Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?

JERRY: Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

JERRY: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.

KRAMER: Those people, listen to yourself.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.

JERRY: Kramer, he's just a dentist.

KRAMER: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

JERRY: I am not an anti-dentite!

KRAMER: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.

JERRY: They do have their own schools!

KRAMER: Yeah!

[At the adoption agency]

ELAINE: One little baby, whatever you have in stock.

AENT: Miss Benes...

ELAINE: Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way.

[Beth enters Jerry's place.]

BETH: Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me.

JERRY: Well, what's wrong?

BETH: I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.

JERRY: Talk to me.

BETH: He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair?

JERRY: Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.

BETH: But we just got married.

JERRY: Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.

BETH: Why would Elaine do that to me?

JERRY: Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)

MICKEY: Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.

JERRY: I'm kinda in the middle of something.

MICKEY: Karen and I are getting married.

JERRY: Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.

MICKEY: (To Beth) How many is that for you?

BETH: Two.

MICKEY: You're a lightweight. Come on, honey.

[One week later at the wedding. Elaine is sitting with adoption agent. Jerry enters with Beth.]

ELAINE: Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?

JERRY: Beth and Arnie broke up.

ELAINE: So they don't want a baby?

JERRY: (Shaking his head no) Pff.

ELAINE: (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone)

JERRY: Hey, where's Marcy?

GEORGE: She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)

JERRY: Hey, Kramer, over here.

KRAMER: I just assume not sit next to you.

JERRY: Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents.

ELAINE: Nice looking family.

JERRY: Very handsome.

KRAMER: (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?

MR. ABBOTT: Hey Kramer.

JULIE: Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly)

JERRY: Hi, Mr. Abbott.

MR. ABBOTT: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.

BETH: What was that all about?

JERRY: Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.

BETH: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?

JERRY: What?

BETH: A dentist. (They laugh)

JERRY: That's a good one. Dentists.

BETH: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile)

(A little later)

ELAINE: Where's Beth?

JERRY: She went out to get her head shaved.

FATHER: We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony.

JERRY: Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.

FATHER: Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit)

KAREN: (To Kramer) I really wanted you.

The End

S8E20 - The Millennium

Broadcast date: May 1, 1997

Written by Jennifer Crittenden

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lauren Graham .................. Valerie

Louan Gideon .................... Mrs. Hamilton

Victoria Mahoney ............... Gladys

Michael Laskin .................... Minkler

Bruce Jarchow .................... Mooney

Maria Cina .......................... Saleswoman

Steve Koren ........................ Himself

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Richard Herd ................. Wilhelm

==================================================================

[Putumayo]

(Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining some sort of footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.)

ELAINE: Uh, excuse me.

GLADYS: Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.

ELAINE: Uhm, I just have a question.

GLADYS: (into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong.

ELAINE: (walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis.

GLADYS: (into phone) So? What else is goin' on?

ELAINE: (shouts) HEY!!

GLADYS: Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you?

ELAINE: (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer.

(Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push open a door she should pull.)

[Valerie's Apartment]

(Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave.)

VALERIE: Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.

JERRY: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.

VALERIE: I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.

JERRY: Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.

(Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts the receiver and prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the speed-dial is marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and George stood talking.)

GEORGE: So you're on the speed dial?

JERRY: After two dates!

GEORGE: What number?

JERRY: Seven.

GEORGE: Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen.

(The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding chairs in each hand.)

KRAMER: Uh, hey buddy.

JERRY: Hey.

(Kramer carries the chairs across the room.)

KRAMER: It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

JERRY: You're gonna keep these here for eight months?!

(Kramer props the chairs up against a wall.)

KRAMER: No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.

JERRY: Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!

KRAMER: You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em.

(Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it, and is sat withhis feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head.)

GEORGE: Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.

JERRY: Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?

GEORGE: (thoughtful) I have no idea.

(Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood.)

ELAINE: Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.

JERRY: I don't mind the Mayans.

(Elaine gets another of the folding chairs.)

ELAINE: (unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me.

(Kramer enters carrying more chairs.)

KRAMER: What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis.

ELAINE: No, no, not Putumayo.

KRAMER: No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.

GEORGE: (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch.

ELAINE: What'd you have?

(Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured balloons on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair.)

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)

JERRY: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!

KRAMER: (at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.

[Monk's]

(George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets.)

MINKLER: George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and we think that someone might be you.

GEORGE: (surprise) Head of scouting?

MOONEY: Interested?

GEORGE: (playing it cool) I'm still here.

MINKLER: Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract.

MOONEY: You understand what we're talking about?

GEORGE: So you're talking...

MINKLER: No, no.

MOONEY: We're not talking. We're just, talking.

GEORGE: So, you need me to get fired.

MINKLER: We didn't say that.

MOONEY: We couldn't say that, because even if we did...

MINKLER: ...we couldn't say that we said it.

MOONEY: You see what we're saying?

GEORGE: (jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch?

MINKLER: (serious) We didn't say that.

[Valerie's Apartment]

(Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. Jerry arrives, obviously a little rushed.)

JERRY: Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?

VALERIE: (pointedly) Someplace nice this time?

JERRY: Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things.

VALERIE: (rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's.

(Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside the phone.)

JERRY: Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.

(Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking.)

VOICE (O.C.): Hello?

JERRY: Hello? Who's this?

VOICE (O.C.): Jane. What number did you dial?

(He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 'JANE', and his name now next to '09'.)

JERRY: Seven?

[Putumayo]

(Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can be seen outside. Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention.)

ELAINE: Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper, Kramer with a clipboard. George is heard outside the door.)

GEORGE (O.C.): (singing) Meet the Mets...

(George enters, looking pleased with himself.)

GEORGE: ...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.

JERRY: Good meeting?

GEORGE: There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

JERRY: You can do that.

GEORGE: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'

JERRY: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?

GEORGE: Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?

KRAMER: You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?

(Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue their own conversation.)

JERRY: So, George...

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: (rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial.

(Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following.)

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.

GEORGE: What, she's ranking you?

JERRY: Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer.

GEORGE: What is a barometer exactly?

KRAMER: It's pronounced thermometer.

(Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer rises and comes over to the guys.)

KRAMER: You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.

KRAMER: (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman?

(Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating he doesn't want to talk to Newman.)

KRAMER: (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry?

(Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental phone'. Jerry throws his arms up in exasperation.)

[Valerie's Apartment]

(Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral bouquet.)

VALERIE: (pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.

JERRY: Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.

VALERIE: Oh.

JERRY: (resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.

VALERIE: I'm gonna go put these in some water.

JERRY: I like the way you think.

(Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry rushes over to the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial, and finds himself promoted to the '01' button.)

JERRY: Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!

[Yankees Boardroom]

(Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George is sitting down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table in front of him, he places a large paper bag.)

GEORGE: Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.

WILHELM: Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?

GEORGE: Is it? (reaches into bag)

(Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions.)

GEORGE: Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year.

(He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey.)

GEORGE: Gotta get the good ones.

(He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops it onto the front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain.)

GEORGE: Oh, that's bad. That's bad.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard.)

KRAMER: So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?

JERRY: Some of us.

KRAMER: (crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.

(Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes, bag, earrings, everything.)

JERRY: Hola.

ELAINE: Shove it!

JERRY: What is all this?

ELAINE: I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.

JERRY: Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain.

KRAMER: Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date.

ELAINE: Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party.

(Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite.)

KRAMER: Newman?

ELAINE: Yeah.

(Elaine hands her invite to Kramer.)

KRAMER: (reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!

[Jerry's Car]

(Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the passenger side.)

JERRY: Hi Valerie.

(The woman turns to face him.)

JERRY: You're not Valerie.

MRS HAMILTON: I'm her step-mother. Drive.

(Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street.)

MRS HAMILTON: It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.

JERRY: But, I never...

MRS HAMILTON: (threatening) You just stay away from that phone.

[Steinbrenner's Office]

(Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the door.)

GEORGE: You wanted to see me, sir?

STEINBRENNER: I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning...

(George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal.)

GEORGE: Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.

STEINBRENNER: ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed.

(George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired.)

STEINBRENNER: We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.

(George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in his underwear.)

STEINBRENNER: Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for?

[Valerie's Apartment]

(Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.)

JERRY: You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial.

VALERIE: You deserve it.

JERRY: But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week.

VALERIE: My stepmother got to you, didn't she?

JERRY: What? No.

VALERIE: Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely!

(Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging her speed-dial.)

JERRY: Yikes!

[Newman's Apartment]

(Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his invitation.)

KRAMER: Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party.

NEWMAN: You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.

KRAMER: (getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!

NEWMAN: I have done nothing unethical.

KRAMER: Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.

NEWMAN: Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.

KRAMER: (worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice.

NEWMAN: (thoughtful) What kind?

KRAMER: Cubed.

NEWMAN: That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.

KRAMER: I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.

NEWMAN: That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!

[Cab]

(Jerry and George in the back of a taxi.)

JERRY: How could they not fire you?

GEORGE: Never thought I'd fail at failing.

JERRY: Aw, come on there now.

GEORGE: (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.

JERRY: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.

GEORGE: (hopeful) Everything?

JERRY: Everything.

GEORGE: You really think so?

JERRY: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.

GEORGE: Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!

JERRY: That's the spirit. You suck!

GEORGE: (pleased) I know.

[Cinqo De Mayo]

(Elaine is talking with the saleswoman.)

ELAINE: No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo.

(Gladys comes out behind the counter.)

GLADYS: Do you need some help with something?

ELAINE: (puzzled) You? What're you doing here?

GLADYS: I own this store.

ELAINE: No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously)

GLADYS: I'm Gladys Mayo.

(Realization dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly.)

ELAINE: Ah, this really sticks in my craw.

[Mrs Hamilton's Apartment]

(Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is pouring out a couple of glasses of wine.)

JERRY: Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?

MRS HAMILTON: I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome.

JERRY: Okay.

(Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting uncomfortably close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top of the couch behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close to the early Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.))

MRS HAMILTON: You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic.

JERRY: Uh, good.

MRS HAMILTON: Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea.

JERRY: (nervous) What?

MRS HAMILTON: Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?

JERRY: I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound...

MRS HAMILTON: Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound?

(Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone.)

JERRY: Valerie's not coming over, is she?

(Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone.)

MRS HAMILTON: Seven, four...

JERRY: No...

MRS HAMILTON: Two...

JERRY: Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?

MRS HAMILTON: I won't tell if you don't.

JERRY: (leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...

[Kramer's Apartment]

(Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns.)

KRAMER: Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...

(Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright.)

KRAMER: (yells) Newmanniun!!

(He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph. It's of himself and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together.)

KRAMER: (whimper) Jerry?

(Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the mattress.)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren is commentating.)

KOREN (O.C.): Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field.

JERRY: Oh my God, George!

KOREN (O.C.): Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Kramer, look, it's George.

KOREN (O.C.): Everyone loves him.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.

JERRY: (neutral) Fine.

KRAMER: (agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!

JERRY: (neutral) No problem.

KRAMER: (swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.

(Elaine enters.)

KRAMER: (pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun.

ELAINE: (neutral) Okay.

KRAMER: No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry.

ELAINE: (neutral) Fine.

KRAMER: (frustrated shout) Oh come on!!

ELAINE: (neutral) Alright.

KRAMER: (triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century.

(Kramer heads out the door.)

ELAINE: (following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business.

KRAMER: Can do.

(Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow.)

JERRY: What're you doing with a pricing-gun?

ELAINE: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.

(Elaine leaves and shuts the door.)

JERRY: (to himself) Still a rip-off.

(The phone rings. Jerry picks up.)

JERRY: Hello?

(From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format, with Valerie and Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen with Jerry as appropriate.)

VALERIE: Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.

JERRY: Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you.

(There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in.)

JERRY: Hold on a second.

(Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call.)

JERRY: Hello?

MRS HAMILTON: (seductive) Hi Jerome.

JERRY: Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: Hello?

VALERIE: That's her on the other line, isn't it?

JERRY: Well...

VALERIE: Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.

JERRY: Hang on.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.

MRS HAMILTON: I won't, until she puts me back on hers.

JERRY: Hang on.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: She wants to be back on yours.

VALERIE: Fine. But only if you're off hers.

JERRY: Hang on.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: Fine, if I'm off yours.

VALERIE: No, still me.

JERRY: Sorry. Hang on.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: Fine, if I'm off yours.

MRS HAMILTON: I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her.

JERRY: Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me.

MRS HAMILTON: (conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons.

JERRY: (hurried) Great, bye.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: She said she'll do it.

VALERIE: Great.

(There's another beep, as another call comes in.)

JERRY: Hang on.

(Jerry clicks.)

JERRY: Hello?

[Yankee Stadium]

(George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking and looking thoroughly dejected.)

GEORGE: Jerry. I can't get fired.

(A passing fan spots him.)

FAN: Hey, body-suit man. 's up?

(He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased by the attention. The fan points out George to more fans.)

FAN: (pointing) Hey, body-suit man.

(The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned to his minor celebrity.)

[Putumayo]

(Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers in for a second before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer is pushed into sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar.)

KRAMER: Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.

(He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself to some.)

GLADYS: Well, lemme show you what we have.

KRAMER: Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own.

KRAMER: (re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free?

GLADYS: Yeah.

KRAMER: Hmm-mmm.

(Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen items. He then heads for the changing room.)

GLADYS: Some of those are women's clothes.

KRAMER: Oh, not a problem.

(He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be heard. The clicking goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped. It lands by Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem by kicking the gun as he tries to retrieve it.)

[Yankee's Parking Lot]

(George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing behind the car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the tarmac. George is leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone.)

GEORGE: Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.

[Putumayo]

(Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton are browsing the racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, she walks over to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters.)

KRAMER: L'Occupado.

ELAINE: Come on, what is taking you so long?

KRAMER: Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B.

ELAINE: Plan B? There is no plan B.

KRAMER: (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store.

ELAINE: What?!

KRAMER: They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em.

ELAINE: That's not gonna do anything.

KRAMER: Patience.

ELAINE: Alright. Forget it!

KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!

(Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded again.)

GLADYS: Ladies, care for some chips?

KRAMER: (emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do.

(He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip, a sachet of dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice, and after consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the counter.)

KRAMER: Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead.

(Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes a chip, dips it into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it.)

[Steinbrenner's Office]

(George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves, nonchalantly eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks.)

STEINBRENNER: I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...

(George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly, Mr Wilhelm enters the office.)

WILHELM: Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.

(George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief.)

STEINBRENNER: What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?

WILHELM: No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.

GEORGE: (agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!

STEINBRENNER: Macho head games?

WILHELM: (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir.

STEINBRENNER: Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.

GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!

WILHELM: I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets.

(Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed.)

WILHELM: (singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets.

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.

JERRY: She never sees the big picture.

(There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman.)

JERRY: Hello, Newman!

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail.

KRAMER: Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go.

NEWMAN: Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime.

KRAMER: Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.

NEWMAN: Alright. Come back to my party, please.

KRAMER: Jerry too, of course.

NEWMAN: (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?

JERRY: No.

NEWMAN: Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine.

(Jerry pulls a disgusted face.)

KRAMER: Deal?

NEWMAN: To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)

KRAMER: (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.

(Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as Jerry speaks to him, and Kramer exits to his apartment.)

JERRY: By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?

NEWMAN: (smug) As a matter of fact, I did.

JERRY: Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.

(Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches as he realises his error.)

JERRY: Aww!

(Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of half-strangulated nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer.)

[Mrs Hamilton's Apartment]

(Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks nauseous.)

MRS HAMILTON: I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside.

VALERIE: I'll call for help.

(She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'.)

[Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Hello?

VALERIE: Who's this?

JERRY: It's Jerry. Who's this?

VALERIE: Uh, it's Valerie.

JERRY: Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?

VALERIE: I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!

JERRY: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!

(Valerie hangs up the phone.)

JERRY: Hello?

The End

S8E21 - The Muffin Tops

Broadcast date: May 8, 1997

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Rena Sofer ........................... Mary Anne

Melinda Clarke..................... Alex

Chaim Jeraffi ........................ Jiffy Dump Guy

Sonya Eddy ......................... Rebecca

Barry Kramer ...................... Bag Guy

Elayn Taylor ........................ Book Fan

Paige Moss ........................... Girl

Viola Kates Simpson ............. Old Woman

Jack Riley ............................. Rider

Bunny Summers ................... Rider

Earl Carroll .......................... Rider

Norman Brenner .................. Rider

Reuven Bar .......................... Foreign Guy

Vince Donvito ...................... Passerby

Chris Burmester ................... Passerby

Deck McKenzie .................... Man

Victoria Fischer .................... Bartender

Keith Sellon-Wright .............. Guy

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

rc: Richard Fancy .................. Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[Jerry and George walking down the street.]

JERRY: Hang on just let me pick up a paper.

MAN: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

GEORGE: Yeah. No problem.

JERRY: Let's go.

GEORGE: Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.

JERRY: For how long?

GEORGE: I'm sure he'll be back in a second.

JERRY: Come on.

GEORGE: Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

MAN 2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?

(Jerry starts to leave.)

GEORGE: Where are you going?

JERRY: I'm going to be this guy's friend.

[Jerry and George at Monk's]

JERRY: New clothes?

GEORGE: Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?

JERRY: Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!

GEORGE: The guy never came back.

JERRY: He asked you to watch them not wear them.

GEORGE: I'm still watching them.

JERRY: You look like a tourist.

GEORGE: All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?

JERRY: When you hear like a soft russeling.

GEORGE: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.

JERRY: Oh right, the new job, how is it?

GEORGE: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.

JERRY: So who's the new you?

GEORGE: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

JERRY: Oh hi Alex.

ALEX: I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?

JERRY: No.

ALEX: I'll be right back.

GEORGE: Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?

JERRY: Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.

GEORGE: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

[Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly puts the cushions back on the couch.]

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Hi.

ELAINE: Where's Jerry?

KRAMER: Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him?

ELAINE: No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you.

KRAMER: Well let's sit down.

ELAINE: Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?

KRAMER: Vaguely.

ELAINE: Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.

KRAMER: You put my life's stories in his autobiography?

ELAINE: Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.

KRAMER: Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.

ELAINE: He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon.

KRAMER: Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.

(Kramer enters the bathroom.)

KRAMER: He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.

JERRY: (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.

KRAMER: All right, let's go.

[At Waldenbooks.]

ELAINE: Mr. Lippman, how are you?

MR. LIPPMAN: Well I'm not bad. Not bad.

ELAINE: What are you doing here?

MR. LIPPMAN: I work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book.

ELAINE: Oh.

MR. LIPPMAN: If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?

KRAMER: Hey buddy. Remember me?

MR. PETERMAN: You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?

WOMAN:: Who are you?

KRAMER: I'm the real Peterman.

MR. PETERMAN: All right playtime's over.

KRAMER: Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley.

WOMAN: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.

ELAINE: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.

MR. LIPPMAN: So you just eat the tops.

ELAINE: Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops.

(Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.)

KRAMER: I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.

(George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He is bumping into people.)

MAN 1: Try looking up hayseed.

MAN 2: You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.

MARY ANNE: Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude.

GEORGE: Well actually I'm...

MARY ANNE: I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from?

GEORGE: Little Rock, Arkensas.

MARY ANNE: Ooh.

[Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror down.]

JERRY: Hmm. That looks new.

(He thinks some more. He picks up his razor.)

KRAMER: So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.

JERRY: (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.

KRAMER: What's the matter with you?

JERRY: (uncomfortably) Nothing.

KRAMER: No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.

JERRY: I did something stupid.

KRAMER: What did you do?

JERRY: Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.

KRAMER: Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.

JERRY: Well women do it.

KRAMER: (high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.

JERRY: Well what am I going to tell Alex?

KRAMER: Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?

JERRY: Um hum.

(George enters)

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: I forgot. Wait. Never mind.

(Jerry and Alex walking.)

ALEX: How about the beach this weekend?

JERRY: You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...

ALEX: All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.

JERRY: Really?

[Elaine walks into a muffin shop]

ELAINE: "Top of the Muffin to you!"?

MR. LIPPMAN: Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!

ELAINE: Mr Lippman?

[George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: So you're pretending to be a tourist?

GEORGE: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup

JERRY: How do you explain your apartment?

GEORGE: I got a hotel room.

JERRY: you moved into a hotel?

GEORGE: Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?

JERRY: So get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.

GEORGE: So?

JERRY: So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.

GEORGE: Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?

JERRY: Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.

(Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down on the bus.)

KRAMER: (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.

(Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.)

KRAMER: (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.

GEORGE: Reality tour?

JERRY: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.

[Elaine at the muffin shop]

ELAINE: This was my idea you stole my idea.

MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.

ELAINE: Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.

MR. LIPPMAN: You want a muffin or not?

ELAINE: Peach.

[Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks]

MARY ANNE: So I notice you don't have much of an accent.

GEORGE: Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.

MARY ANNE: Look george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.

GEORGE: Willie. Yeah.

MARY ANNE: And I'm still going to be here.

GEORGE: Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?

MARY ANNE: (laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.

JERRY: You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.

GEORGE: Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town.

JERRY: What is it she think you can't do?

GEORGE: Find a job. Get an apartment.

JERRY: How did you do those things?

GEORGE: Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.

JERRY: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?

KRAMER: Here you go, here you go, check it out.

JERRY: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.

KRAMER: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.

JERRY: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.

KRAMER: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.

GEORGE: What's desert?

KRAMER: Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.

GEORGE: He eats those?

KRAMER: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.

GEORGE: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.

KRAMER: Talk to me.

GEORGE: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you.

KRAMER: Understand?

JERRY: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.

[Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's]

MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.

ELAINE: So? What do you want me to do about it?

MR. LIPPMAN: You're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong.

ELAINE: Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin...

MR. LIPPMAN: What if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?

ELAINE: Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the whole muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.

MR. LIPPMAN: Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah?

ELAINE: Yeah.

MR. LIPPMAN: So what do we with the bottoms?

ELAINE: I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.

MR. LIPPMAN: That's a good idea.

ELAINE: And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!!"

MR. LIPPMAN: No. No. It is.

[At Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?

JERRY: What? Can't I get a moment's peace?

KRAMER: What are you doing to yourself?

(Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream.)

JERRY: I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.

KRAMER: You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.

JERRY: Oh that's an old wives tale.

KRAMER: Is it? Look at this.

(Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight.)

KRAMER: (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.

JERRY: Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.

KRAMER: Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen?

[Elaine at the muffin shop]

ELAINE: Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.

LIPPMAN: Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.

REBECCA: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.

ELAINE: Oh, hi.

REBECCA: Are you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter?

ELAINE: You been enjoying them?

REBECCA: They're just stumps.

ELAINE: Well they're perfectly edible.

REBECCA: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?

MR. LIPPMAN: No no, we just thought...

REBECCA: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.

ELAINE: If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.

REBECCA: The homeless don't like them.

ELAINE: Fine.

REBECCA: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"

ELAINE: We were just trying to help.

REBECCA: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells.

ELAINE: I think I might.

[Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment.]

MARY ANNE: I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay?

GEORGE: $2300.

MARY ANNE: Ouch. A month?

GEORGE: Yeah.

MARY ANNE: Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker.

GEORGE: Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.

MARY ANNE: Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something.

(Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit.)

[On Kramer's bus.]

KRAMER: Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.

WOMAN: Hey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic.

KRAMER: (over the speaker) Well that's your opinion.

MAN 1: Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small.

KRAMER: Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere.

MAN 2: Who's Newman?

MAN 3: Who cares.

MAN 4: Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.

MAN 1: Can I have his candy bar?

KRAMER: Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.

[At Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Why do I have to go on the tour?

KRAMER: Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.

(Elaine enters)

JERRY: Hey, how's business?

ELAINE: Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps.

KRAMER: All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus.

ELAINE: Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus?

KRAMER: Yeah.

ELAINE: You got any room on that thing?

KRAMER: Yeah there are a few seats still available.

ELAINE: Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.

KRAMER: Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.

ELAINE: No they don't.

KRAMER: Are they war veterans?

(Elaine looks at him confused.)

[In George's office.]

MARY ANNE: Wow this is your office.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out.

MARY ANNE: Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?

GEORGE: Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave)

MR. STEINBRENNER: Wait a minute George.

GEORGE: Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.

[On Kramer's bus.]

ALEX: You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.

JERRY: You also shouldn't use a donut.

(Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo music.)

KRAMER: All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...

TAPE PLAYER: Turn music off.

JERRY: Can we just go?

KRAMER: And go we will.

MAN: What is this? A piece of pound cake?

KRAMER: We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.

MAN 2: We're going to a garbage dump?

KRAMER: And we're off.

JERRY: You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.

[Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.]

MR. STEINBRENNER: (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.

JOHN TYLER: (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.

MR. STEINBRENNER: Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?

JOHN TYLER: How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.

MR. STEINBRENNER: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?

JOHN TYLER: Let if ferment, just like everything else.

MR. STEINBRENNER: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.

[Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.]

MAN: Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going?

KRAMER: I was going to dump this.

MAN: It doesn't look like garbage.

KRAMER: Well it's muffin stumps

MAN: Where are the muffin tops?

KRAMER: This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it.

MAN: Can't do it.

KRAMER: Is this a joke?

MAN: That's what I'd like to know about it.

ALEX: You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?

JERRY: What's that?

ALEX: Well look it's almost time for you to shave again.

JERRY: Oh. Yeah.

KRAMER: (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge.

MAN: Where are we going?

KRAMER: (looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions.

(Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps.)

[Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump.]

[Next scene. A man vomits on the floor.]

[Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up. Banjo music finishes.]

WAITRESS: So, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken.

GEORGE: Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink.

MAN: Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes?

GEORGE: What clothes?

MAN: These clothes. The ones you're wearing.

[On Kramer's bus]

JERRY: (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.

KRAMER: Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.

JERRY: I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.

(Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag.)

(Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full moon. A dog starts barking.)

JERRY: I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog.

KRAMER: I don't know where the tops are.

(Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still playing.)

KRAMER: Jerry what's the matter?

(In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching his chest.)

JERRY: (for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good.

BARTENDER: Hey, you looking for George?

MARY ANNE: Yeah.

BARTENDER: He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him.

GEORGE: (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.

MARY ANNE: I told you this city would eat you alive.

[At the muffin shop.]

MR. LIPPMAN: What is this guy again?

ELAINE: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.

(Newman enters. )

NEWMAN: Hello Elaine. Where are they?

ELAINE: In the back.

NEWMAN: All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.

MR. LIPPMAN: What is going on here?

NEWMAN: If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.

(Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. He bites into a stump, then takes a drink of milk from the glass. (continuity error: he never actually poured the glass of milk.) He swishes the muffin and the milk together and swollows. He takes another stump.)

The End

S8E22 - The Summer of George

Broadcast date: May 15, 1997

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Raquel Welch ........................ Herself

Molly Shannon ...................... Sam

Amanda Peet ........................ Lanette

Joe Urla ................................ Dugan

Victor Raider-Wexler ............ Doctor

Peter Dennis ......................... Lew

Tucker Smallwood ............... Malcolm

Wayne Wilderson ................ Walter

Blake Gibbons ...................... Lyle

Adrian Sparks ..................... Man

Jane A. Johnston .................. Woman

Lauren Bowles ..................... Waitress

Sue Goodman ....................... Clerk

Neil Flynn ............................. Cop #1

Tom Michael Bailey ............... Cop #2

Denise Bessette .................... Therapist

Dave Mandel ........................ Himself

rc: John O'Hurley .................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[George and Jerry at a café terrace]

JERRY: Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series.

GEORGE: I got to give the players most of the credit for that.

JERRY: Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, busses.

GEORGE: No, I don't know who was doing that.

JERRY: So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did?

GEORGE: They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.

(Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks)

LANETTE: Here you go. Your latté, your cappuccino.

(Waitress leaves)

JERRY: Maybe I should ask her out?

GEORGE: She is a good waitress.

JERRY: That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's.

GEORGE: You're going to the Tony's?

JERRY: Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets.

GEORGE: Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?'

JERRY: They're musicians. That's not a joke.

GEORGE: It's a funny observation.

(George reads a letter)

GEORGE: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.

JERRY: They did it for three years. What's another few months.

GEORGE: I'm really going to do something with these three months.

JERRY: Like what?

GEORGE: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.

JERRY: I've always wanted to do that...

GEORGE: I'm gonna play frolf.

JERRY: You mean golf?

GEORGE: Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

(A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside)

[Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.]

ELAINE: ...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him.

(A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides her.)

ELAINE: Who's that?

DUGAN: That's Sam, the new girl in the counting.

WALTER: What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis.

DUGAN: She walks like orangutan.

ELAINE: Better call the zoo.

DUGAN: Reer...

ELAINE: What?

WALTER: ssssss...

DUGAN: Cat-ty...

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.]

ELAINE: It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.

JERRY: Like this? (imitates the walk)

ELAINE: Yes, exactly.

JERRY: That's so strange.

ELAINE: Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard.

JERRY: Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10?

ELAINE: That is so stupid.

JERRY: Reer.

GEORGE: Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...

JERRY: Boy, your really packing it all in.

GEORGE: Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today.

JERRY: Like what?

GEORGE: I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it.

(Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe)

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?

JERRY: Stomach ache?

KRAMER: I drank too much water in the shower.

JERRY: Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.

GEORGE: Shadow!

KRAMER: Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.

ELAINE: You're going to the Tony's too?

KRAMER: Roger that.

JERRY: Where are you sitting?

KRAMER: Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back.

ELAINE: How did you get that job?

KRAMER: Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy.

JERRY: What academy?

KRAMER: Well, he didn't say (leaves).

[Jerry comes to pick up Lanette]

LANETTE: Hi!

JERRY: Hi!

LANETTE: Nice tuxedo.

JERRY: Thanks, it's a breakaway.

LANETTE: Should we go?

JERRY: Absolutely.

LANETTE: Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle.

LYLE: Hey, how you doing?

JERRY: Ok...

(Lyle and Lanette kiss)

LANETTE: Bye.

LYLE: Have a good time.

JERRY: Thanks, Lyle...

[At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands up.]

KRAMER: Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered.

(man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat)

KRAMER: I'll just squeeze in...

MAN: What are you doing?

KRAMER: My job. What are you doing?

(Kramer looks at the woman next to him)

KRAMER: You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do.

(Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.)

JERRY: So, you and Lyle are roommates?

LANETTE: No.

JERRY: Gay?

LANETTE: What?

JERRY: Is he gay?

LANETTE: No.

JERRY: Are you sure?

LANETTE: I think I would know.

JERRY: (to himself) This is a new one.

KRAMER: (to woman next to him) Pemmican turkey? Come on take a bite...well more for me.

(Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the head. Then points the blame to lady next to him.)

ANNOUNCER: ...and the best musical award goes to: Scarsdale surprise!

(People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking Kramer with them.)

(George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out of his new recliner.)

GEORGE: Kramer?

(TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.)

MR. GRAHAM: (on TV) Thank you and God bless you all. This has truly been a Scarsdale surprise!

[At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.]

SAM: Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time.

ELAINE: Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk.

SAM: My arms?

ELAINE: You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman.

SAM: I a caveman?

ELAINE: No no no no, it's just...

SAM: Everybody told what a catty shrude you are. Your horrible!

[5A. Jerry and George.]

GEORGE: She had a dude?

JERRY: Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude.

GEORGE: How do you know it was her dude?

JERRY: What do you think it could've been just some dude?

GEORGE: Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.

JERRY: I reckon.

GEORGE: Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.

JERRY: Dude!

(They make a high five.)

GEORGE: All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap.

JERRY: It's 10:30 in the morning?

GEORGE: I tell you; I'm wiped.

JERRY: So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing?

GEORGE: De-compressing.

(Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.)

KRAMER: Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you.

JERRY: You didn't give that thing back?

KRAMER: Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win.

JERRY: That's because you didn't win.

GEORGE: 'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.

KRAMER: Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch!

JERRY: You haven't even seen it.

KRAMER: Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!

GEORGE: What, Minelli's!?!

KRAMER: No.

[Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.]

ELAINE: Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day.

SAM: No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more.

ELAINE: See, yeah, that's all I was saying.

SAM: How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right).

ELAINE: Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it...

[Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing a towel.]

JERRY: Hi!

LANETTE: Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time.

JERRY: No rush.

(Lyle walks by wearing a towel.)

LYLE: Hey, Jerry! What's up?

JERRY: (to himself) I have absolutely no idea.

[5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.]

(missing the beginning)

JERRY: ..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!

(Kramer comes in with the Tony.)

GEORGE: Who's that?

JERRY: It's Kramer.

GEORGE: Hey Kramer.

JERRY: George says hi.

KRAMER: (shouts to the telephone) Hi George!

GEORGE: How's that Tony?

JERRY: Why don't you just come over?

GEORGE: Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now?

JERRY: He's looking on to fridgerator.

GEORGE: Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles?

JERRY: I can't do this.

KRAMER: So, what's George doing?

JERRY: He's not doing anything. Goodbye!

KRAMER: So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?

JERRY: Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?

KRAMER: The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.

(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.)

JERRY: Oh, hello.

KRAMER: I'm going.

LANETTE: Congratulations!

KRAMER: Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone...

JERRY: All right, all right.

(Phone rings and Jerry answers.)

JERRY: I said no! (hangs up the phone.)

LANETTE: Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you.

JERRY: Just me? No dudes or fellas?

LANETTE: What you think?

JERRY: I can start right away.

(Phone rings again.)

JERRY: But not here. (They leave.)

JERRY'S ANSWERING MACHINE: 'I'm not here, leave a message.'

GEORGE: (on the answering machine) Jerry, what's happening? Come on, pick up the phone.

[At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.]

KRAMER: ...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see.

MR. GRAHAM: Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton Graham. I'm one of the producers of 'Scarsdale surprise'.

KRAMER: Hey, eh, Lew!

MR. GRAHAM: We need to talk.

[Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.]

PETERMAN: Elaine, what did you want to talk me about?

ELAINE: This. My office. Sam trashed my office.

PETERMAN: Well, I see what's going on in here. I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight.

ELAINE: Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms.

PETERMAN: Woof!

ELAINE: Do you mean "reer?"

PETERMAN: Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine. (Leaves.)

ELAINE: Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings...

[At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.]

JERRY: I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life.

LANETTE: Now, what time are you picking me up tonight?

JERRY: Eh, what?

LANETTE: You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you?

JERRY: Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.

LANETTE: Should I ware the outfit I bought today?

JERRY: Sure.

LANETTE: Which one?

JERRY: The one with the...(mumbles.)

LANETTE: If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called.

JERRY: Ok, ok...

LANETTE: Do you mind?

JERRY: No, I'll crab it.

(Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George walks in.)

GEORGE: Hey, I've done that today.

JERRY: What, did you lose your remote?

GEORGE: Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead.

JERRY: It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something.

GEORGE: (Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up?

JERRY: Not.

GEORGE: No, no...

JERRY: No, because that's...

GEORGE: No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?

JERRY: Here.

GEORGE: Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves.

JERRY: I'm trying.

GEORGE: I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.

JERRY: Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!

[Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.]

MR. GRAHAM: I'm sure how excited you are to have this very very prestigious award. But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production.

KRAMER: No.

MR. GRAHAM: I don't think there's no way how we can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless...

KRAMER: Anything...

MALCOLM: Are you familiar with our star, Raquel Welch?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, she's fantastic....

MR. GRAHAM: She's a train wreck.

MALCOLM: There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover.

MR. GRAHAM: It is a gut wrenching scene.

MALCOLM: But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances. It's very distracting.

MR. GRAHAM: There's lot of this (swings his arms) in tap dancing.

KRAMER: So, you'd like me to teach how to dance?

MALCOLM: No, we want you to fire her.

[5A. Jerry and Kramer.]

JERRY: Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?

KRAMER: Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.

JERRY: She seems very nice.

KRAMER: Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like.

JERRY: I'm in show business.

KRAMER: Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive.

JERRY: I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help.

KRAMER: Yayaya...

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me.

(Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.)

SAM'S VOICE: Elaine...I am going to find you. If not in your office then in the xerox room or the little conference room near to the kitchen...

ELAINE: She must've got a blueprint of the building or something.

JERRY: Did you tell Peterman about this?

ELAINE: Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight.

KRAMER: Cat fight?

ELAINE: Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight?

KRAMER: Yeye cat fight!

JERRY: Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.

KRAMER: T-t-t-t...

[Jerry and George are walking down the street.]

JERRY: You got the tickets?

GEORGE: Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater?

JERRY: I like it.

GEORGE: She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.)

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger!

JERRY: Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations.

GEORGE: A little notice would've helped! How many people?

JERRY: 35, and George, on the invitations...

GEORGE: I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go...

(Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.)

LANETTE: Right on time, I like that.

JERRY: I like your nails, that is a great color.

LANETTE: Love the sweater.

JERRY: This old thing?

[George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.]

GEORGE: Hi, I need some party invitations.

CLERK: Okay, have you been in here before?

GEORGE: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.

CLERK: Right, how did that all work out?

GEORGE: No complaints.

CLERK: Well, they are arranged according the price. And as I recall...(she flips the sample book all the way to the end.)

GEORGE: Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones.

[Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.]

RAQUEL: "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale."

(Kramer knocks on the door and enters.)

KRAMER: Ms. Welch.

RAQUEL: Who are you?

KRAMER: Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers.

(Phone rings and Raquel answers.)

RAQUEL: Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still here.

KRAMER: Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance.

(Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.)

RAQUEL: What kind of problem?

KRAMER: Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...

RAQUEL: Out with it!

KRAMER: Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go...

(Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.)

[George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies to his feet.]

GUY: Little help?

GEORGE: Hey, frolf?

GUY: Yeah, you know we need a fourth for the back nine. You want in?

(George looks up and sees Jerry on the other side and frisbee on the other. Jerry says: "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?")

GEORGE: Yeah, sure.

GUY: Ok, come on.

[Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.]

JERRY: Ok, let's towel it up.

LANETTE: Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless.

JERRY: But we're in towels.

LANETTE: Jerry.

JERRY: all right. One second.

(Picks up the phone.)

(George runs up the stairs)

GEORGE: He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.)

(George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.)

GEORGE: Hello.

JERRY: George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman!

LANETTE: Did you shave your chest hair?

JERRY: No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up?

GEORGE: Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had.

JERRY: Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George.

GEORGE: All right, All right, keep your towel on.

JERRY:...what?

GEORGE: It's a joke.

JERRY: All right, that's not bad. Now get over here!

(George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs. He slips on an invitation and falls on his back.)

[Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.]

SAM'S VOICE: (on the tape)...if not in your apartment then in the laundry room or the ATM in the building across the street or the watch shop!

ELAINE: Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho!

COP #1: 'Reer.'

ELAINE: Look, just because I'm a woman...

COP #2: 'Mauau.'

COP #1: 'Meeow.'

(Raquel Welch walks down the street.)

RAQUEL: I don't move my arms when I dance. That's my signature!

ELAINE: Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks.

COP #1: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.)

(Raquel Welch comes towards her.)

RAQUEL: What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing?

ELAINE: Aren't you Raquel Welch?

RAQUEL: You know who I am. Now, what are you doing?

ELAINE: Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...

RAQUEL: That's it, you are going down.

COP #1: Ooh, cat fight.

[The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.]

KRAMER: So how's George?

JERRY: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony)

KRAMER: Tony.

JERRY: What happened to you?

KRAMER: Raquel Welch!

JERRY: Yikes.

(Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.)

JERRY: What happened to you?

ELAINE: Raquel Welch!

KRAMER: The woman is a menace.

ELAINE: Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly.

JERRY: Cat fight with Raquel Welch.

KRAMER: Yey eye ca-catfight.

(George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.)

ELAINE: My god, George!

GEORGE: I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels?

JERRY: Back on the rack.

GEORGE: With the two of us?

JERRY: I think we're still a man short.

(Doctor comes.)

DOCTOR: Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.

(Doctor leaves.)

KRAMER: Well, that's good news.

ELAINE: Wow, invitations again...

KRAMER: Yeah, that's weird.

ELAINE: All right, well...you want to grab some coffee?

JERRY: Yeah...

KRAMER: I'd like to get some coffee.

(Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.)

GEORGE: This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George.

[George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk, leaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with swinging her arms.]

THERAPIST: Now, swing them...swing...swing them, just swing them.

SAM: I can't do it. It's hard!

(George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get up.)

GEORGE: Still a little summer left.

The End

Season 9

S9E1 - The Butter Shave

Broadcast date: September 25, 1997

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ...................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Gordon Jump ..................... Mr. Thomassoulo

Kristin Davis ....................... Jenna

Everett Greenbaum ............ McMaines

Connie Sawyer ................... Old Woman

Matthew Fonda ................. NBC Executive

Chris Parnell ....................... NBC Executive

Frank Van Keeken ............. Vegetable Lasagna

Shannon Whirry ................. Cute Girl

Nancy Balbirer ................... Woman

Erica Y. Becoat ................... Stewardess

Torsten Voges ................... Cab Driver

George Georgiadis ............. Cab Driver

Brian Callaway ................... Passenger

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: Steve Hytner ................ Kenny Bania

rc: Patrick Warburton ....... David Puddy

==================================================================

[Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth.]

(A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal... a moustache.)

GEORGE: What is Holland?

JERRY: (also wearing a moustache) What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium.

GEORGE: No, that's the Netherlands.

JERRY: Holland is the Netherlands.

GEORGE: Then who are the Dutch?

JERRY: (picking at his moustache) You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.

GEORGE: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.

JERRY: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.

GEORGE: Well why didn't we?

JERRY: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.

GEORGE: What if we grew muttonchops?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!

JERRY: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job.

GEORGE: (resigned) Dammit.

[George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane.]

GEORGE: Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?

JERRY: No more crutches, that must be a relief.

GEORGE: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.

JERRY: Not with a cane?

GEORGE: Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those?

(George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from the other end of the bar.)

JERRY: That is a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot.

GEORGE: Alright, we're back in!

JERRY: We? No.

CLUB ANNOUNCER: (off camera) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.

(Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.)

BANIA: Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, did ya see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.

JERRY: Killed?

BANIA: Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good-looking ones, too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name?

JERRY: Yeah, killed. Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark.

GEORGE: And you're the shark?

JERRY: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.

GEORGE: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.

JERRY: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

[Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.]

KRAMER: You got any shredded coconut?

JERRY: (looking at Kramer's moustache) Uh, we're not doing that anymore.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)

GEORGE: (on the phone) Oh my God.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.

JERRY: So what's this job?

GEORGE: Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

JERRY: Knicks? Rangers?

GEORGE: Playground equipment.

JERRY: Welcome back to the show.

GEORGE: Yeah haha.

(Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.)

KRAMER: Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: (holding his cane) I gotta hobble. (walks out)

(Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.)

KRAMER: D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving creams. I'm getting no protection.

JERRY: What kind do you use?

KRAMER: Whatever you get.

JERRY: (nods) Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.

KRAMER: Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.

JERRY: Remember David Puddy?

KRAMER: Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?

JERRY: Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.

KRAMER: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. (whistles) That guy's coming home in a body bag.

[Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.]

PUDDY: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner? No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that?

ELAINE: We have to break up.

PUDDY: What?

ELAINE: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!

PUDDY: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?

ELAINE: Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!

PUDDY: Fine!

ELAINE: Fine!

CAB DRIVER: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.

[Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together. Puddy is crying]

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours.

ELAINE: (to flight attendant) Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?

[Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.]

KRAMER: Hey, what are you doing?

JERRY: Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that.

KRAMER: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.

JERRY: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.

KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.

JERRY: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Do I have to ask?

KRAMER: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?

(Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and drags him back.)

JERRY: Why are you buttering your face?

KRAMER: I'm shaving with it.

JERRY: Oh Moses smell the roses.

KRAMER: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth. Now feel my face.

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Feel it.

JERRY: I don't want to.

KRAMER: Feel it. Feel it.

JERRY: (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face) That is close.

(Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment.)

[George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.]

GEORGE: I got the job?

MR. THOMASSOULO: George, everybody here at Play Now is very impressed with you. I, I'm sure you heard that.

GEORGE: Well, no.

MR.THOMASSOULO: Now I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, (clears his throat) handicap.

GEORGE: Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) Oh, I'm not handicapped.

MR. THOMASSOULO: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.

GEORGE: Yeah, I didn't mean that.

MR. THOMASSOULO: Of course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom.

GEORGE: (shocked) When do I start?

MR. THOMASSOULO: Whenever you feel that you're able. (rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here.

GEORGE: (Thomassoulo helps George get up) Yeah, what the hell.

[Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth]

JERRY: You got the job?

GEORGE: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They- they treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.

JERRY: Hold on, they think you're handicapped?

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!

JERRY: How can you do this?

GEORGE: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.

JERRY: He drove a car with no arms?

GEORGE: All right, I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. And he hated me anyway!

JERRY: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?

GEORGE: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.

(Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.)

KRAMER: Hey! They hooked me up.

GEORGE: What's with all the butter?

KRAMER: I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?

JERRY: You can eat it?

KRAMER: No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body.

(Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away. Bania and Jenna enter)

JERRY: Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.

GEORGE: Who?

JERRY: The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.

(Bania and Jenna walk over.)

BANIA: Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good-lookin' huh?

JENNA: Uh, Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you.

BANIA: Oh. This is awkward.

JENNA: Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.

(Bania and Jenna leave.)

JERRY: I don't believe this.

GEORGE: You miss her, don't you?

JERRY: No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies.

GEORGE: You miss her.

[Puddy and Elaine on the plane.]

PUDDY: (to flight attendant) You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more.

ELAINE: (to another passenger) Huh. You believing this?

PASSENGER: Excuse me, I...I was sleeping.

ELAINE: You missed quite a performance.

(Elaine drinks from a can of juice.)

PASSENGER: (disbelieving) That's my apple juice.

[A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs on a rail, is carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his cane and fakes a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets laughs from everyone, including the man he tripped.]

[Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman.]

JERRY: Someone's cooking.

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--

JERRY: (cutting in) I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.

NEWMAN: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.

JERRY: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter (pauses) Oh no!

NEWMAN: Butter?

[Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other.]

PASSENGER: (explaining the coins to Elaine) This is the fimty kroner.

ELAINE: (to passenger) Oh? You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. Know what I mean? A real cement head.

(Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.)

WOMAN: David, you are so funny.

PUDDY: Yeah, I know.

ELAINE: (grabbing Puddy) What are you doing?

PUDDY: It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.

ELAINE: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?

PUDDY: Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, Vegetable Lasagna?

ELAINE: This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.

PASSENGER: (hereon known as Vegetable Lasagna) I can hear you.

PUDDY: Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together.

ELAINE: Well maybe I feel the same way.

PUDDY: Ok.

ELAINE: Ok, so now what?

PUDDY: Let's make out.

[Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer is decked out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.]

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.

JERRY: Look at your skin.

KRAMER: Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.

[Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.]

KRAMER: I'm fried.

JERRY: Technically, you're sautéed. So, what are you doing for that?

KRAMER: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.

JERRY: Is that what the doctor said?

KRAMER: No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. (grabs a baster) I'll see you later.

JERRY: Yea.

(George enters limping)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

KRAMER: How you doing? (Kramer leaves)

GEORGE: (sniffing) Hmm. Game hen?

JERRY: Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?

GEORGE: No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.

JERRY: What happened?

GEORGE: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --

JERRY: Oh no, not you too?

GEORGE: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...

JERRY: You know what's good for that? Relish.

(Phone rings, Jerry answers.)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.

GEORGE: So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.

JERRY: Oh, like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?

GEORGE: That's true, that always happens to me.

JERRY: You think that's funny?

GEORGE: I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.

JERRY: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!

GEORGE: Maybe I am.

JERRY: Oh, I'm gonna puke.

GEORGE: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) Puke! Don't have to think about that.

[Elaine and Puddy on the plane.]

ELAINE: I can't believe we broke up like that.

PUDDY: It was stupid.

(Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.)

ELAINE: Do you want something to read?

PUDDY: No I'm good.

ELAINE: Well, are you going to take a nap or --

PUDDY: No.

ELAINE: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?

PUDDY: Yeah.

(Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.)

ELAINE: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We've been back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.

PUDDY: Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.

ELAINE: Oh, please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, Vegetable Lasagna here knows it.

VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Please, please, I don't want to get involved.

ELAINE: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!

VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Oh God.

(Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of the passenger seated behind her.)

PASSENGER 2: Ow! Ow!!

[Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated beside it, reading "Alive"]

NEWMAN: How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.

KRAMER: Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.

NEWMAN: That smell. It's still with you, huh?

KRAMER: Yeah, it's baked on in. Hey, put another stick of butter in.

NEWMAN: Here.

KRAMER: Yeah, stir it up so it melts.

(Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips and working himself up.)

KRAMER: Oh yea that feels good. Ahh, now I'm simmering.

(Newman drops the stick and runs out.)

NEWMAN: I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

[George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.]

MR. THOMASSOULO: Good morning, George.

GEORGE: Good morning, sir.

MR. THOMASSOULO: Is there something wrong with your other leg?

GEORGE: Oh, no, that's just the old, uh, the old handicap acting up.

MR. THOMASSOULO: But your cane's on the wrong side.

GEORGE: Oh well, that's, uh, thatís just because we're, uh, standing on opposite sides.

MR.THOMASSOULO: Huh?

GEORGE: Yeah, see, uh, when we met, I was over there and, uh, you were over here, so the image, uh, the image was reversed, like, uh, like in the mirror.

(They walk over to a mirrored wall.)

GEORGE: See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?

MR. THOMASSOULO: Uh, yeah, I guess.

GEORGE: (passes cane from right to left and back a few times) But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--

MR. THOMASSOULO: Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see what's going on here.

[Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. Jerry opens the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.]

GEORGE: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.

JERRY: You mugged Stephen Hawking?

GEORGE: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.

(George rides around the apartment.)

JERRY: Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.

(Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.)

JERRY: Hello?

ELAINE: Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?

ELAINE: Awful. This trip was a huge mistake. Huge!

VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Please don't shout. I can't take it.

JERRY: Who's that?

ELAINE: It's Vegetable Lasagna.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: Vegetable Lasagna!

VEGETABLE LASAGNA: My name is Magnus.

ELAINE: Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!

JERRY: Get me some duty free Kahlua.

(Jerry hangs up.)

GEORGE: How's the trip?

JERRY: Sounded good.

GEORGE: Well. Gotta motor.

JERRY: Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.

GEORGE: Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?

JERRY: That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off.

GEORGE: What are you talking about? (Jerry grins) You're not!

JERRY: That's right, I'm taking a dive.

GEORGE: You're throwing the set?

JERRY: I'm laying down! Then we'll see how he does up there, without all the assistance.

GEORGE: Listen Jerry. With all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.

JERRY: We're four months apart.

GEORGE: Nevertheless. His time has come.

(George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under Jerry's coffee table.)

GEORGE: Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way.

(Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.)

[Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.]

NEWMAN: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.

(The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates Kramer's head on the turkey.)

KRAMER/Turkey: (waving wing) Hey buddy.

(Newman screams and runs out of Monks.)

[Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club]

KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?

JERRY: That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot.

CLUB ANNOUNCER: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!

(Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow-colored suspenders.)

JERRY: If you'll excuse me.

(Jerry tosses the jacket to Kramer.)

KRAMER: Whoa, man!

(Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage.)

JERRY: (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?

[Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.]

JERRY: What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?

(Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.)

JERRY: And what's with people getting sick?

NEWMAN: Hee hee! Yeah yeah!

JERRY: I mean, what's the deal with cancer?

MAN IN AUDIENCE: I have cancer!

KRAMER: Oh, tough crowd.

[George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby store.]

MAN: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.

(George walks back to inspect the damage.)

GEORGE: Whatcha got there, the 4-volt? Heh, I did you a favor.

MAN: How about I do you a favor upside your head?

GEORGE: Oh yeah?

MAN: Oh yeah.

(George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.)

MAN: Hey!

WOMAN: Get the bikes.

[Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's soaked with sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.]

BANIA: Ouch.

KRAMER: Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I bombed!

KRAMER: No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.

JERRY: Like who?

KRAMER: Well, that guy who yelled out.

JERRY: He had cancer!

KRAMER: And laughter is the best medicine.

JERRY: Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.

CLUB ANNOUNCER: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!

(Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.)

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there.

NEWMAN: (salivating) Turkey?

KRAMER: A big fat turkey.

NEWMAN: I'm sorry I missed that.

KRAMER: I tell ya, he worked so hard and then he just--

(Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself.)

KRAMER: What is this, oregano?

(Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef bursts through carrying a bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer.)

KRAMER: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me!

(Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves and hands them to Kramer.)

NEWMAN: Here. Hold this.

KRAMER: What is this, parsley?

(Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.)

[Jerry watching Bania from the wing.]

JERRY: Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

(Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto the stage.)

KRAMER: Ah you bit me. Get off of me, get off of me!

[City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. Action movie music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. George's battery dies and his scooter stops.]

MAN: Now I got you!

(George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building at that moment.)

MR. THOMASSOULO: George? Your legs!

GEORGE: Are you a religious man, sir?

MR. THOMASSOULO: No.

(Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about to lay into him with a cane.)

MAN: Eat hickory!!

(The man swings the cane at George's head)

[Jerry, sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. Bania walks in.]

BANIA: Hey Jerry, didja see it?

JERRY: Ouch.

(Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.)

STU: Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there.

JERRY: What?

JAY: That thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about.

STU: Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.

JAY: By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.

BANIA: How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again.

JERRY: Oh, I'm gonna puke.

BANIA: Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?

[Exterior of NYC airport.]

ELAINE: David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon.

PUDDY: Ditto.

ELAINE: Oh that's origi-

PUDDY: Go to Hell.

(Elaine gets into a taxi cab.)

ELAINE: 86th and Broadway please.

CAB DRIVER: I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are making everybody share.

(Puddy enters the cab on the left.)

ELAINE: Oh no.

(Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.)

VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.

ELAINE: Noooooooooooo!

(Cab rides away.)

(Episode Dedicated to the Memory of Brandon Tartikoff)

The End

S9E2 - The Voice

Broadcast date: October 2, 1997

Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Gordon Jump ...................... Mr. Thomassoulo

Sara Rose Peterson .............. Claire

Jarrad Paul .......................... Darin

Ella Joyce ............................. Dean Jones

Nancy Balbirer .................... Alice

Brian J. Williams ................... Glenn

Cindy Lu ............................. Worker

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

==================================================================

[Scene: In the Play Now office]

THOMASSOULO: George, you’re not really handicapped, are you?

GEORGE: I’ve had my difficulties.

THOMASSOULO: I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.

GEORGE: Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?

THOMASSOULO: No

GEORGE: How about the old Spider Man live action show?

THOMASSOULO: George, I’ve realized we’ve signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it’s best that we both go our separate ways.

GEORGE: I don’t understand.

THOMASSOULO: We don’t like you. We want you to leave.

GEORGE: Clearer

[Scene: At Monks Café]

JERRY: So you’re staying at Play Now?

GEORGE: Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.

JERRY: But they not you aren’t handicapped, aren’t you ashamed?

GEORGE: They’re the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.

(Elaine walks in)

ELAINE: Hey

JERRY & GEORGE: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!

GEORGE: Hello-o-o-o Elaine!

ELAINE: What’s that?

JERRY: Oh, it’s just this stupid thing.

ELAINE: Well, I’m sure it’s stupid. It’s not about me, is it?

JERRY: (doing the voice) No-o-o-o.

GEORGE: (doing the voice) Not at all.

ELAINE: Tell me!

JERRY: All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.

ELAINE: How is it talking?

JERRY: Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I’m bored. Talk to me.

ELAINE: Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.

(Puddy walks in)

JERRY: Hey, look whose here - Puddy.

ELAINE: My Puddy? But we broke up.

JERRY: And yet he continues to live.

(Puddy walks over to the table)

PUDDY: Hey Benes, How are you?

ELAINE: I’m doing great.

PUDDY: Great. (pauses) See ya.

JERRY: Well, that’s it. You two are back together.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.

ELAINE: David and I will not be getting back together.

JERRY: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

GEORGE: That’s beautiful.

ELAINE: What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.

JERRY: That’s different. I didn’t have feelings for those people. But you, you’ll backslide

ELAINE: You want to bet?

JERRY: Stakes?

ELAINE: 50

JERRY: Dollars?

ELAINE: All right. Witness? (looks at George).

GEORGE: Witness.

JERRY: Done.

GEORGE: Percentage?

JERRY & ELAINE: No.

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

CLARE: So I’ll call you tonight?

JERRY: Yeah.

CLARE: What’s wrong with the belt?

JERRY: I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So…(throws away belt) that’s it!

CLARE: So, you’re insane?

JERRY: Oh yes, quite.

(Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: Hello!

JERRY: Of course it’s a sliding scale.

CLARE: Catch you later.

KRAMER & JERRY: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)

JERRY: (doing the voice) La la la.

KRAMER: (doing the voice) La la la.

(Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table)

KRAMER: Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.

JERRY: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that’s a good idea.

KRAMER: Of course it’s a good idea, it’s my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.

JERRY: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don’t own part or spending the two hundred million you don’t have part?

KRAMER: You see I come up with these things, I know they’re gold, but nothing happens. You know why?

JERRY: No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.

KRAMER: (interrupts) No, no…time! It’s all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?

JERRY: I can ball park it.

(Elaine walks in – how did she come up without the buzzer?)

ELAINE: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!

KRAMER: Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!

JERRY: Hey, I called you last night, where were you?

ELAINE: (looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.

JERRY: George?

ELAINE: (looking guiltier) No, no…no.

JERRY: Well, I was here, that’s everyone (laughing).

ELAINE: (laughing).

JERRY: Are those the same shoes as yesterday?

ELAINE: Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.

JERRY: Your hair, it’s somewhat de-poofed.

ELAINE: It’s the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?

JERRY: Wait a second, what’s going on here?

ELAINE: Nothing, nothing.

JERRY: (screams).

ELAINE: (screams).

JERRY: You’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!

KRAMER: Hoochie moochie. (haha)

JERRY: Hand it over. Pay up.

ELAINE: No! It’s an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!

JERRY: Then what do you call it? People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t cinemax.

ELAINE: It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.

JERRY: Ah, dinner! That’s it, you’re all the way back!

ELAINE: Ugh!

JERRY: Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

KRAMER: (still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!

[Scene: At Play Now]

GEORGE: Good Morning!

CO-WORKER: Go to hell!

GEORGE: Hi Allison, that’s a nice dress.

ALLISON: Don’t even look at me.

GEORGE: Hey Glenn!

GLENN: Hey, go tell hell!

GEORGE: Heard that one already.

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

(Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around)

KRAMER: …So that’s the bedroom. Here’s the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen…Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.

JERRY: And you are?

DARREN: Oh, hey, I’m Darren. I’m new here.

KRAMER: Yeah, that’s Jerry, you don’t have to worry about him. Why don’t you go across the hall and get started on that mail.

DARREN: Right!

KRAMER: He’s a go getter!

JERRY: Who’s he?

KRAMER: My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.

JERRY: Alright.

KRAMER: Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.

JERRY: But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.

KRAMER: Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.

JERRY: Alright, it’s time to go.

KRAMER: Jerry, it’s not for people, it’s for oil tankers.

JERRY: (sarcastically) I know!

(Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door)

KRAMER: You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won’t spill out.

JERRY: Actually, that is not a bad idea.

KRAMER: (smiles) yeah.

JERRY: Now, it’s time to go.

(slams door)

(phone rings)

JERRY: Hello

GEORGE: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He’s sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).

JERRY: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what’s going on?

GEORGE: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.

JERRY: So, are you going to leave?

GEORGE: Oh no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.

JERRY: I thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?

GEORGE: I’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.

JERRY: I’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I’m getting another call, see ya…(answers call) Hello!

DARREN: Hi, this is Darren from Kramer’s office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monk’s coffee shop.

JERRY: (looking shocked) Really? When?

DARREN: In 10 minutes. Do you need directions?

JERRY: No, I don’t.

DARREN: Well, I’ll call back in 5 minutes to confirm.

KRAMER: Yeah, 5.

(Elaine walks in – again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)

ELAINE: Hey!

JERRY: Hey! So, where’s my money?

ELAINE: No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?

JERRY: Oh yeah, hold on.

(Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers)

JERRY: Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry’s office. (Elaine is looking confused). We’re going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he’s already left?

(Kramer walks in)

JERRY: Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?

KRAMER: What? When did this happen?

JERRY: Well, just…

KRAMER: (yelling) DARREN!

[Scene: At Elaine’s apartment]

(Sitting on the couch thinking to herself)

ELAINE: I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy’s. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I’ll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That’s funny. That’s really funny. That’s really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).

[Scene: At Monk’s Cafe]

GEORGE: Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.

JERRY: Do you have to write all this stuff down.

DARREN: Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn’t want to miss anything.

JERRY: So, how hot did it get?

GEORGE: I don’t know, 120, 130…Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.

JERRY: I guess you can take anything, but actual work.

GEORGE: Bring it on!

(Kramer walks in)

GEORGE: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!

JERRY: (doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!

GEORGE: (doing the voice) La la la.

KRAMER: Sorry I couldn’t get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern")

DARREN: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit…

KRAMER: Uh huh…

GEORGE: (Interrupts) And I still say he’s naked under there!

JERRY: Oh that makes a lot of sense.

GEORGE: Oh, shut up!

DARREN: …Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld’s drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water).

(George is looking pissed off)

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment in his bed]

JERRY: (giggling)

CLARE: What’s so funny?

JERRY: Oh, nothing. (still giggling)

CLARE: What are you laughing about? Tell me.

JERRY: Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We’ve been doing this silly, dumb voice.

(Clare storms out of the room mad!)

CLARE: So is it fun humiliating me?

JERRY: No, it’s not you. It’s your stomach, he’s taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.

CLARE: So you think I’m fat?

JERRY: No it’s…

(Darren walks in)

DARREN: Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"

JERRY: Hey, we’re kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?

DARREN: Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?

JERRY: (Screams) GET OUT!

CLARE: I’m leaving too.

JERRY: No body said you’re fat. He’s a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.

CLARE: He is fat!

JERRY: No, he’s just a little bloated.

CLARE: Good-bye!

JERRY: It’s mostly water weight.

(Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: Boysenberry, the kid is still learning.

(Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone)

DARREN: Mr. Kramer…Dean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.

KRAMER: Yeah, well nothing before noon.

JERRY: Line two?

KRAMER: Yeah, your phone is line one.

JERRY: Oh…

[Scene: At Elaine’s apartment]

PUDDY: So the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.

ELAINE: See, this is what Jerry’s doesn’t understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn’t mean we are back together.

PUDDY: I mean I love just seeing you and having sex.

ELAINE: Yeah.

PUDDY: Not having to do all that…you know…work.

ELAINE: Well, either way…

PUDDY: All that calling you, and buying you stuff…

ELAINE: David…

PUDDY: Caring about how everyone at work isn’t as smart as you. It’s brutal.

ELAINE: Alright that’s it! We’re back together!

PUDDY: Oh, no.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

PUDDY: Look Elaine, be reasonable.

(Elaine kisses Puddy)

ELAINE: Get those clothes off. You’re going to spend the night and we’re going to cuddle.

PUDDY: What?

ELAINE: You heard me. Strip!

[Scene: At Play Now]

(George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded up)

GEORGE: (whistling)….(laughing)….Alright……OK….

(George goes through air vent – in his office)

GEORGE: (on phone – calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? …Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I’M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.

[Scene: At NYU]

KRAMER: Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?

DEAN JONES: I’ve been reviewing Darren’s internship journal. Doing laundry…

KRAMER: …Yeah.

DEAN JONES: …Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.

KRAMER: I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it’s business as usual at Kramerica.

DEAN JONES: As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

KRAMER: And with Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken.

DEAN JONES: I’m sorry, but we can’t allow Darren to continue working with you.

KRAMER: Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.

DEAN JONES: You fly is open.

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

(Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway)

JERRY: So you’re sure you’re not still angry about last night?

CLARE: No, I’m fine. Just as long as you don’t ever do that voice again.

JERRY: Never?

CLARE: Never.

JERRY: What about if you’re not around?

CLARE: No!

JERRY: So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?

CLARE: That’s right.

JERRY: I can do that.

CLARE: So what’s your decision?

JERRY: I don’t know.

(At the dock or beach)

(Jerry is thinking to himself – looking quite funny)

(He’s thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together. He’s trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)

(Jerry knocks on Clare’s door)

CLARE: Jerry…HI.

JERRY: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

GEORGE: You broke up with her? Why?

JERRY: So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What’s the matter?

GEORGE: I think I’m getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?

JERRY: No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.

GEORGE: I think I like the girl better than the voice.

JERRY: Really?

(Elaine walks in – how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!)

JERRY: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.

ELAINE: Still?

GEORGE: I told you.

ELAINE: Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).

JERRY: See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.

ELAINE: Yeah, well not for long. I’m breaking up with him.

JERRY: No, I don’t think so. I’ve seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It’s kismet.

ELAINE: Double or nothing.

JERRY: Done.

GEORGE: (talking from bathroom) Witness?

JERRY: You’re in there again.

GEORGE: I think Play Now is putting something in my food.

(Kramer walks in)

ELAINE: Alright, I’m out of here.

JERRY: What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn’t fit him).

KRAMER: I don’t know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven’t been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I’m clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?

JERRY: Yeah. Nine o’clock.

KRAMER: I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.

JERRY: (doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.

KRAMER: Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: So played.

GEORGE: I told you.

[Scene: Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer’s door]

KRAMER: Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.

DARREN: I don’t care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.

KRAMER: Kramerica is no more.

DARREN: What about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.

KRAMER: Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

KRAMER: Well, you’re still here?

DARREN: I haven’t had time to leave.

KRAMER: Well, I haven’t changed my mind.

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

KRAMER: Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I’ll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let’s get back to work!

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

KRAMER: Let’s see what Jerry has to eat.

[Scene: At Play Now – in the bosses office]

THOMASSOULO: You win George. We’ve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That’s half of your entire contract. Please…just go.

GEORGE: You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.

THOMASSOULO: Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza’s handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.

GEORGE: Well played.

THOMASSOULO: I’ll see you in hell Costanza.

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

JERRY: (on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in – Jerry asks George) So we definitely don’t want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we’re back together again, great. Bye bye.

[Scene: Hallway – Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Trouble down at the plant?

KRAMER: It’s a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.

GEORGE: You have to drink that whole thing?

KRAMER: No. No. No. It’s for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.

JERRY: I understand (not really understanding, lol).

GEORGE: Would a giant rubber ball work?

KRAMER: Conceivably.

GEORGE: Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don’t we test your bladder system at my office?

JERRY: You’re not…

GEORGE: Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there’s nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.

[Scene: At Monk’s Cafe]

PUDDY: Hey, you want to split a root beer (I think that’s what he says)?

ELAINE: I don’t think so David, we’re through.

PUDDY: Oh…That’s a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).

[Scene: At Elaine’s house – the two are in bed]

ELAINE: Whew that was a dozy.

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

(Elaine throws down money on the table).

JERRY: Go again?

ELAINE: Book it.

GEORGE: (again from bathroom) Witness.

[Scene: At Elaine’s apartment]

ELAINE: David I know this hurts, but it’s the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he’s going to still get some).

[Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

(Elaine is placing money on the table one by one)

JERRY: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

[Scene: Jerry and Elaine at the movies]

ELAINE: I’m going to get some popcorn.

Scene: At Jerry’s apartment]

(Elaine hands Jerry money)

ELAINE: So, how did it end?

JERRY: They got away.

ELAINE: uh.

[Scene: At Elaine’s apartment]

ELAINE: Listen David, I’ve got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?

[Scene: At Play Now]

(Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil – Jerry walks in)

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Did you bring the video camera?

JERRY: Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I’ll see ya.

GEORGE: Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.

JERRY: I can’t. I got to meet Clare.

KRAMER: You gave up the voice?

JERRY: Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.

KRAMER & GEORGE: No. No

JERRY: Darren?

DARREN: Sorry Mr. Seinfeld.

JERRY: Uh, bathroom.

GEORGE: Hey, use mine. I’ll let you in.

JERRY: I thought it was open to the public.

GEORGE: I uh, took care of that.

(Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice)

JERRY: Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you’re putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?

GEORGE: I insist. I’ll fix us a drink. (phone rings – who would that be?) I got it.

[Back to Kramer & Darren in George’s office]

KRAMER: Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

[Back in the bathroom]

GEORGE: So, check out my view.

JERRY: Wow! Hey, there’s Clare. I better go down.

GEORGE: Hey, there’s Kramer & Darren.

JERRY: There’s the giant ball of oil. Clare’s right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!

CLARE: I don’t believe this. I am not looking up if you’re going to do that voice.

KRAMER: Bombs away (Uh oh).

JERRY: This is going to be a shame.

(SPLAT!)

GEORGE: Hello.

KRAMER: Well, that didn’t work. Hey, how about this…ketchup and mustard in the same bottle?

DARREN: Oh that sounds interesting sir.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Police sirens – uh oh)

[Scene: At Monk’s Café]

JERRY: Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you’re not going in anymore.

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: So they’re not paying you your…

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: So you’re pretty much…

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: What ever happened to Darren?

KRAMER: Darren is going away for a long long time.

JERRY: So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that… (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil…

GEORGE: (doing the voice) I’m slippery as an eel…

KRAMER: (doing the voice) La la la.

JERRY: I’m just so glad it’s back.

(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)

ELAINE: See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.

PUDDY: ELAINE: I want to break up.

ELAINE: Ah nuts!

The End

S9E3 - The Serenity Now

Broadcast date: October 9, 1997

Written by Steve Koren

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Lori Loughlin ........................ Patty

Ross Malinger ....................... Adam

Matt McCoy  ........................ Lloyd Braun

Bruce Mahler ........................ Rabbi Glickman

rc: Jerry Stiller ....................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza

rc: Richard Fancy .................. Mr. Lippman

==================================================================

[The Costanzas are driving in the car.]

FRANK: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.

ESTELLE: That's as far as it goes.

FRANK: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.

ESTELLE: I pulled it. It doesn't go.

FRANK: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!

GEORGE: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.

FRANK: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!

GEORGE: What is that?

FRANK: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'

GEORGE: Are you supposed to yell it?

FRANK: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

GEORGE: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?

ESTELLE: I told you to fix that thing.

FRANK: Serenity nowww!

[Monk's]

PATTY: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish

place La Caridad on Saturday.

JERRY: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.

PATTY: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.

JERRY: What? All right, fine.

PATTY: Are you mad at me?

JERRY: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.

PATTY: You know... I've never seen you mad.

JERRY: I get peeved.

PATTY: Mad.

JERRY: Miffed.

PATTY: Mad.

JERRY: Irked?

PATTY: I'd like to see you get really mad.

GEORGE: Why does she want you to be mad?

JERRY: She says I suppress my emotions.

GEORGE: So what do you care what she thinks.

JERRY: Good body.

GEORGE: She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.

JERRY: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.

GEORGE: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!

KRAMER: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?

GEORGE: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?

JERRY: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.

KRAMER: I'll do it.

GEORGE: Really? You wanna come?

KRAMER: Yeah, I love going to the country.

ELAINE: Where are they goin'?

JERRY: Fix a screen door in Queens.

ELAINE: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?

JERRY: Not goin' to the Knick game.

ELAINE: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.

JERRY: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.

ELAINE: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.

KRAMER: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.

GEORGE: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.

ESTELLE: I hate that old door. Throw it out!

FRANK: Serenity now!

KRAMER: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.

FRANK: Will you put her to rest for me?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)

ESTELLE: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage.

GEORGE: Dad, what's all this?

ESTELLE: (From other room) It's junk.

FRANK: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!

GEORGE: You're selling computers?

FRANK: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.

GEORGE: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?

FRANK: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.

JERRY: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!

PATTY: I think they have 1% over there.

JERRY: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!

PATTY: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.

JERRY: You're damn right you're not buying it!

PATTY: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.

JERRY: I'm open. There's just nothing in there.

PATTY: Sarcastically) Uh huh.

JERRY: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?

PATTY: I think you are.

JERRY: Well, I'm not.

PATTY: Yes, you are, liar.

JERRY: Oh, stop it.

PATTY: OK, liar.

JERRY: That's enough!

PATTY: Ooh, that was good.

JERRY: Really? It felt good.

ELAINE: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.

LIPPMAN: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man.

ELAINE: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)

ADAM: I'm a man!

JERRY: Tongue?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.

JERRY: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.

ELAINE: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)

JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

ELAINE: Where did that come from?

JERRY: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.

JERRY: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.

GEORGE: Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: What-what are you doing?

KRAMER: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.

JERRY: What do you need it for?

KRAMER: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

GEORGE: Morning, ma.

ESTELLE: (From another room ) You're late!

GEORGE: Morning, dad.

FRANK: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.

LLOYD: (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.

GEORGE: What is Lloyd Braun doing here?

FRANK: Your mother recommended him.

GEORGE: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?

FRANK: I didn't read his resume.

LLOYD: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board.

GEORGE: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?

FRANK: (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun.

ESTELLE: (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!

ELAINE: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.

ADAM: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.

ELAINE: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.

ADAM: Are you free Friday night?

ELAINE: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.

ADAM: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.

ELAINE: No. You are not a man. It takes a long time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

ADAM: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion!

LIPPMAN: Who wants cookies?

ADAM: As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!

LIPPMAN: What?

ELAINE: (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.

FRANK: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.

ESTELLE: (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!

FRANK: Serenity now!

GEORGE: You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!

FRANK: I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)

GEORGE: You wanna sell computers? I will show you how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!

ELAINE: Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.

ADAM: (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'!

ELAINE: Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.

LIPPMAN: So, that's the type of guy you're looking for?

ELAINE: Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)

PATTY: (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?

JERRY: (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.

KRAMER: (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.

JERRY: Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.

KRAMER: Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.

JERRY: You barbecuing tonight?

KRAMER: (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.

JERRY: So, where do you want to eat tonight?

PATTY: How about La Caridad again?

JERRY: Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?

PATTY: Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.

JERRY: Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!

PATTY: Maybe I should just leave.

JERRY: 'Maybe'!?

PATTY: Good-bye!

JERRY: Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy!

ELAINE: (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!

KRAMER: (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...

ELAINE: Did you and Patty just break up?

JERRY: Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!

ELAINE: Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.

JERRY: That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.

ELAINE: Whoa. What is the matter?

JERRY: It's Patty.

ELAINE: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.

JERRY: (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?

ELAINE: Oh my God. You're crying.

JERRY: This is horrible! I care!

JERRY: Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.

KRAMER: She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?

JERRY: I don't know what's happening to me.

KRAMER: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.

JERRY: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)

GEORGE: Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)

KRAMER: (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!

GEORGE: (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.

JERRY: You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?

GEORGE: Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.

JERRY: Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I love you, George. Come here.

GEORGE: I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.

JERRY: Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.

[Jerry's Apartment; Later]

KRAMER: Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?

JERRY: Hose under my sink. I love you, Kramer!

KRAMER: I love you, too, buddy, and George--

GEORGE: I don't want to hear it, Kramer!

KRAMER: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.

GEORGE: What signal? What-what signal?

KRAMER: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'

GEORGE: If I do it, will you buy a computer?

KRAMER: On the signal, George. On the signal.

GEORGE: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.

JERRY: I love you, Costanza.

GEORGE: Will you shut up?!

KRAMER: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!

[Cab; Elaine and George]

ELAINE: So now the other Lippman kissed me.

GEORGE: Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: It means a non-Jewish woman.

ELAINE: I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?

GEORGE: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

ELAINE: Oh, that's insane.

GEORGE: I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.

ELAINE: I am not buying a computer from you.

GEORGE: There's porn.

ELAINE: (Pausing) Even so.

GEORGE: Damn it!

[Lippman's House]

ELAINE: Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.

LIPPMAN: That's simply not true.

ELAINE: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.

LIPPMAN: You are wrong. I'll prove it.

ELAINE: Oh, no. Don't!

LIPPMAN: I renounce Judaism!

ELAINE: Oy vey!

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: What happened to you, pal?

KRAMER: Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.

JERRY: Are you all right?

KRAMER: Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.

JERRY: So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?

KRAMER: (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!

ELAINE: (Enters) Hey, what happened to you?

KRAMER: Serenity! (He exits)

ELAINE: Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is totally out of control. What is with you people? What are you looking at?

JERRY: Sit down, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.

JERRY: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.

ELAINE: Do you have an apple or anything?

JERRY: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.

ELAINE: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.

JERRY: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...

ELAINE: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!

JERRY: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Elaine...

GEORGE: (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?

JERRY: I'm asking Elaine to marry me.

GEORGE: (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.

JERRY: Elaine?

ELAINE: Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.

JERRY: Lippman?

ELAINE: (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!

JERRY: Can I help you?

ELAINE: No. Stay! Stay. Stay.

[Costanzas' Garage]

FRANK: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!

GEORGE: (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?

FRANK: Costanza, you're white hot!

PHONE: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--

FRANK: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same: you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!

ESTELLE: You're not gonna give away that water pik!

FRANK: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!

LLOYD: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.

GEORGE: What do you know? You were in the nut house.

LLOYD: What do you think put me there?

GEORGE: I heard they found a family in your freezer

LLOYD: Serenity now. Insanity later.

[Hallway in to Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: What happened here, Kramer?

KRAMER: Serenity now, serenity now...

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.

JERRY: You don't look well.

KRAMER: Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.

KRAMER: (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!

GEORGE: Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!

KRAMER: (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!

GEORGE: Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?

KRAMER: (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy twenty-five computers?

KRAMER: (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.

JERRY: He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?

GEORGE: Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.

JERRY: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?

GEORGE: All right... here goes...

[Rabbi's Office]

ELAINE: Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?

RABBI: Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.

ELAINE: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.

RABBI: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?

ELAINE: (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?

RABBI: You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.

JERRY: Yikes. Well, good look with all that.

GEORGE: Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.

JERRY: I think you scared me straight.

ELAINE: All right, Jerome, I'm in.

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.

JERRY: I tell ya, I don't see it happening.

ELAINE: What? What happened to the new Jerry?

JERRY: He doesn't work here anymore.

ELAINE: Oh, well that's just great!

GEORGE: I love you, Jerry.

JERRY: (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.

GEORGE: You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.

ELAINE: Well, that's because you're an idiot.

[Costanzas' Garage]

FRANK: You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.

GEORGE: Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?

FRANK: He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.

ESTELLE: I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in!

FRANK: This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now!

ESTELLE: All right...

GEORGE: Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.

FRANK: So, what am I supposed to say?

GEORGE: 'Hoochie mama'?

ESTELLE: Move your crap, I'm comin' in!

FRANK: No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!

The End

S9E4 - The Blood

Broadcast date: October 16, 1997

Written by Dan O'Keefe

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kellie Waymire ..................... Vivian

Audrey Kissel ...................... Tara

Colton James ........................ Jimmy

Gene Dynarski ..................... Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.

Yvonne Farrow .................... Employee

Lloyd Bridges ...................... Izzy Mandelbaum

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

==================================================================

[Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.]

JERRY: Are you sure you can't stay longer?

MORTY: No, we just came for the funeral. `

HELEN: Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.

JERRY: He was 96 years old.

MORTY: That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape.

HELEN: That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week.

MORTY: And every morning I eat a plum.

JERRY: Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.

HELEN: What about you?

MORTY: Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger.

JERRY: Really?

(Kramer comes in)

KRAMER: Hey, Seinfelds!

MORTY: Hey, Mr. Kramer!

KRAMER: How long are you staying?

HELEN: We just came down for a funeral.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go...

HELEN: See you downstairs with the car.

JERRY: Are you sure you don't need a hand with that?

MORTY: No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here.

(Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his arm.)

JERRY: Did you give blood?

KRAMER: No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.

JERRY: In case of what?

KRAMER: Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.

JERRY: Are we finished?

KRAMER: Done.

[Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.]

VIVIAN: Elaine, I'm so glad you came out.

ELAINE: Yeah...

VIVIAN: You haven't seen Jimmy for years.

ELAINE: I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward.

VIVIAN: Actually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening.

ELAINE: Tomorrow evening, sure.

VIVIAN: Do you know anyone responsible?

ELAINE: Do I know anyone??

VIVIAN: Well, if you think of anybody, give me a call.

[George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.]

GEORGE: What are you doing?

TARA: Incense, for the mood.

GEORGE: Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood.

(Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.)

GEORGE: Um, cream soda?

TARA: Vanilla.

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.]

ELAINE: Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?

JERRY: Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who's responsible for this?

ELAINE: I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around.

(George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.)

JERRY: What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?

GEORGE: I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding!

ELAINE: You just left? What did you tell her?

GEORGE: I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I don't know, I was starving Jerry!

(Waitress bring pudding to George.)

GEORGE: Oh, pudding! You want some?

JERRY: Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?

GEORGE: What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove.

JERRY: Elaine, what do you think?

ELAINE: I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself.

[Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.]

KRAMER: My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.

BANK EMPLOYEE: Well, we can transfer to another bank for you.

KRAMER: Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money!

[George and Tara]

GEORGE: So eh, what do you say?

TARA: I guess we could use some food in our lovemaking.

GEORGE: Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...

TARA: Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard?

GEORGE: Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9? weeks? Remember the pastrami scene?

TARA: No.

GEORGE: Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked!

(George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.)

[Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.]

JERRY: Didn't go for it, huh?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?

GEORGE: She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.

JERRY: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.

GEORGE: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.

JERRY: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's.

GEORGE: Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife.

JERRY: I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me.

GEORGE: Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.)

JERRY: What the hell is that?

GEORGE: Pudding skin singles.

5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

KRAMER: Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.

JERRY: Oh, why?

KRAMER: I closed down my account at the blood bank.

JERRY: What, it...it's here in the building?

KRAMER: Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see?

JERRY: No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out.

KRAMER: You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.

(Elaine comes in.)

ELAINE: Hey, working out?

JERRY: You know it and I ditched all my junk food.

(Kramer looks to the fridge.)

KRAMER: What the heck is going on here?

JERRY: Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food.

KRAMER: Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it.

ELAINE: Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.

JERRY: Is this about me?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: Oh, then I lost interest.

(Elaine calls on the phone.)

ELAINE: Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands the phone to Kramer.)

KRAMER: For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting.

ELAINE: You? I'm more responsible than you are!

KRAMER: Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.

[George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some sandwich.]

GEORGE: Oh, Tara!

[Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.]

KRAMER: Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.

(Elaine comes and taps him on the back.)

ELAINE: Kramer...

KRAMER: Don't take my money!

ELAINE: It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid.

KRAMER: No, I'm the baby-sitter.

ELAINE: No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road.

(Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the porch.)

VIVIAN: Elaine? What are you doing here?

ELAINE: Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.)

VIVIAN: Well, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna watch you tonight.

ELAINE: Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.)

5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

JERRY: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's.

KRAMER: There was an incident.

JERRY: Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it?

KRAMER: Would you stop it.

JERRY: What is this?

KRAMER: It's Jell-O.

JERRY: What about this? This is blood isn't it?!

KRAMER: This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.)

JERRY: Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!

KRAMER: Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer.

JERRY: Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?

KRAMER: Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious.

JERRY: Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore...

(Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies through the air.)

KRAMER: Heads up!

JERRY: Aaah...

[Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her with a toy gun.]

JIMMY: You're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead!

ELAINE: I wish I was dead.

JIMMY: Can I have your juice?

ELAINE: As long as you don't put...

(Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.)

ELAINE: Thanks for the re-fill.

(Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.)

VIVIAN: Hey, Elaine! How did it go?

ELAINE: Oh, he's...he's a joy...

VIVIAN: Really? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful.

ELAINE: Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.

VIVIAN: Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health problems lately.

ELAINE: It's not serious, is it?

VIVIAN: Well, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice to know there's somebody like you around.

ELAINE: Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.)

[Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up close.]

JERRY: Aah!

KRAMER: It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.

JERRY: I can see that! What happened?

KRAMER: That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.

JERRY: I'll remember that.

KRAMER: Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.

(Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.)

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]

GEORGE: Three pints of Kramer's blood?

JERRY: I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.

GEORGE: Well, so much for purification week.

JERRY: So, how's the fornicating gourmet?

GEORGE: Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.

JERRY: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

(Elaine comes in.)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, how was baby-sitting?

ELAINE: Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.

ELAINE: It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world.

GEORGE: She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.

JERRY: Really?

[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

KRAMER: Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh?

JERRY: I'm not touching that thing.

KRAMER: Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother.

JERRY: Oh, no...

KRAMER: What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...

JERRY: Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.

KRAMER: So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!

JERRY: All right, all right I'll do it, sit down.

KRAMER: No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?

(Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.)

JERRY: Hello?

(It's Helen and Morty.)

HELEN: Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital.

JERRY: Kramer called you?

HELEN: He calls every week. Are you all right?

JERRY: Yes, I'm fine.

HELEN: He says he's fine.

MORTY: Tell him to eat a plum.

HELEN: Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer.

JERRY: I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later.

MORTY: Plum...(Jerry hangs up.)

JERRY: Why are you calling my parents?

KRAMER: Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?

JERRY: Why here?

KRAMER: Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.

JERRY: Ok...

KRAMER: Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?

JERRY: Fine...

KRAMER: Ok!

(Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.)

JERRY: No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!

KRAMER: Blood!

JERRY: All right.

(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.)

IZZY: Hello, dough boy.

JERRY: Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?

IZZY: I'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need one. It's go-time.

[Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes in and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.]

VIVIAN: Elaine? Elaine?

ELAINE: Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in.

VIVIAN: Where's Jimmy?

ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid.

VIVIAN: Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best.

ELAINE: No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man!

VIVIAN: Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?

ELAINE: All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.)

[The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.]

JERRY: Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?

IZZY: Don't get puss honey, and pick up that medicine ball.

JERRY: Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?

IZZY: Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready?

JERRY: For what?

IZZY: All aboard in the pain train!

(Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.)

JERRY: How many session did my parents paid for?

IZZY: Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil.

[George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich]

GEORGE: Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!

TARA: Oh, George!

GEORGE: And now for the trifecta. (Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.)

TARA: George? George? What are you doing?! (Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.)

GEORGE: Pleasuring you?

[5A. Kramer and Newman are making sausages. Tape recorder plays Jackie Davis: Manana. Jerry comes in.]

JERRY: What is this?

KRAMER: We're making sausages.

(Jerry stops the tape.)

JERRY: I thought you were gonna watch a video.

KRAMER: Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages.

JERRY: Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this.

KRAMER: All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here.

(Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.)

JERRY: Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house.

(Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.)

IZZY: Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet?

JERRY: No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...

IZZY: Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]

JERRY: So, the free love buffet is over?

GEORGE: I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

JERRY: Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.

(George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.)

JERRY: What's going on?

GEORGE: I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.

JERRY: Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.

GEORGE: I think you're right. You gonna eat that?

JERRY: No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.

(Elaine comes in)

ELAINE: Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience.

GEORGE: These fries are really really good...

JERRY: All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.)

ELAINE: I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party.

GEORGE: Uuh, sleepy.

ELAINE: No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.

JERRY: Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.

(Kramer comes in.)

KRAMER: Why did you get rid of that sausage?

JERRY: It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.

KRAMER: Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car?

JERRY: What's wrong with yours?

KRAMER: I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.

JERRY: All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even!

KRAMER: All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.

[Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja song is playing. Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.]

KRAMER: Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) "If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, I can't do that.

(Engine begins to smoke.)

KRAMER: Oh, mama...

(Kramer stops and opens the hood.)

KRAMER: Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.)

[Elaine is visiting Vivian.]

ELAINE: Vivian...

VIVIAN: Elaine!

ELAINE: Hi! This is my friend George.

VIVIAN: Hi...

ELAINE: I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.

VIVIAN: Ok.

ELAINE: (whispering to George) You're up.

VIVIAN: Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic?

GEORGE: Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her.

VIVIAN: Really, why?

GEORGE: Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania.

VIVIAN: Her grandparent passed away five years ago.

GEORGE: Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.

VIVIAN: She's American citizen, I have seen her passport.

GEORGE: All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.

VIVIAN: I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.

GEORGE: That's because it's underwater.

VIVIAN: This is insane.

GEORGE: Is it?

VIVIAN: Yes it it.

GEORGE: Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.

(Oven pings)

VIVIAN: You...very knowledgeable.

GEORGE: Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?

VIVIAN: Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry?

GEORGE: Very.

(They kiss and fall down to the floor.)

VIVIAN: Oh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.) Oohh...

GEORGE: Vivian!!

[Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope. Izzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.]

JERRY: Is this really necessary?

IZZY: If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat.

JERRY: What if I can't keep up?

IZZY: You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.

IZZY JR.: Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...

IZZY & IZZY JR.: Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but the car starts jerking)

IZZY: Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it!

JERRY: What's going on?

IZZY JR.: There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid.

JERRY: Oh my God, the blood!

IZZY JR.: Blood!!

(Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.)

IZZY: Get up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is for real, you've got to want it...

[Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.]

ELAINE: So how long did they drag you?

JERRY: Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it.

(George and Jimmy come in)

ELAINE: Hi George. Hi Jimmy.

GEORGE: Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something.

(Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.)

GEORGE: Ouch!

JERRY: What's the kid doing here?

GEORGE: I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.

JERRY: Oh, that's a drag...

(Kramer comes in.)

KRAMER: That kid...

JERRY: You put blood in the car?!

KRAMER: Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing.

JERRY: Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again.

KRAMER: You didn't get the blood from me.

JERRY: Then who?

(Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.)

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Aaaaahhh...!!!

JERRY & KRAMER: Aaaahhh...!!!

JERRY, KRAMER & NEWMAN: Aaaaahhh...!!!

The End

S9E5 - The Junk Mail

Broadcast date: October 30, 1997

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Laurie Taylor-Williams ........ Rhisa

Toby Huss .......................... Jack

Dana Gould ........................ Frankie

Richard Kuhlman ................ Man

Montrose Hagins ................ Old Woman (Betty)

Peggy Blow ......................... Mail Clerk

Clement E. Blake ................. Dirt Person #1

D.A. Johnson ...................... Dirt Person #2

Wilford Brimley ................... Postmaster General Henry Atkins

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc:  Patrick Warburton ........ David Puddy

==================================================================

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: (on the phone) Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.

GEORGE: (knocking on the counter and feigning a muffled, Chinese voice) Chinese food!

JERRY: (hanging up the phone) Oh! There's my Chinese food, I gotta run. All you.

GEORGE: Who was it?

JERRY: I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB.

GEORGE: What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it?

JERRY: No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman.

GEORGE: Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy.

JERRY: Why? He's harmless.

GEORGE: Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.

JERRY: He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.

GEORGE: I made him up.

JERRY: So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Too bad. It was erotic.

KRAMER: (enters) Well... I've had it with these jackbooted thugs!

JERRY: 'Pottery Barn'?

KRAMER: I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month.

GEORGE: (holding a magazine cover) Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?

JERRY: Why don't you just throw 'em out?

KRAMER: Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt.

JERRY: (taking a catalog) Can I have one? I need one of those old-looking phones. So you wanna grab a bite?

GEORGE: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.

JERRY: So call now.

GEORGE: I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?

JERRY: That's him.

GEORGE: Is he still nuts?

JERRY: What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?'

[Monk's]

PUDDY: (finishing eating) Seriously, is this the best okra you've ever had, or what?

ELAINE: Mmm. De-lish.

PUDDY: Delish?

ELAINE: Delish. You know, short for delicious.

PUDDY: Oh, like scrump.

ELAINE: Yeah.

PUDDY: (leaving) I'm gonna be late. See ya later.

JACK: Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup?

ELAINE: (passing him the ketchup) Oh, sure.

JACK: Thank you.

(Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face)

[George at his Apartment calling his folks]

ESTELLE: (answering the phone) Hello?

GEORGE: Hey, it's Georgie.

ESTELLE: Let me put your father on the phone.

GEORGE: Ma!

FRANK: Who is this?

GEORGE: Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, you know what, you were right.

ESTELLE: (feigning a Chinese, muffled voice) Chinese food.

FRANK: (hanging up) Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you later.

GEORGE: Chinese food?

[Outside The Pottery Barn]

KRAMER: (throwing his catalogs in the Pottery Barn store) Hey, you like sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: So, maybe they had Chinese food?

GEORGE: After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun grenades.

JERRY: Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's leftovers.

ELAINE: (enters) Well, gentlemen. Lainie is... in love.

GEORGE: That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers.

ELAINE: Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, fairy tale moment.

JERRY: It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?

ELAINE: Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened to him?

GEORGE: Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.

JERRY: So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot of love stew.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new guy can... handle the workload.

KRAMER: (entering Jerry's apartment) Will you look at this? More catalogs! 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.

JERRY: Stop the mail?

KRAMER: That's... even better!

[The Street]

FRANKIE: Jerry!

JERRY: Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?

FRANKIE: This is it.

JERRY: Inside the van?

FRANKIE: It is the van! Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool it would be to have a van and just drive?

JERRY: We were ten.

FRANKIE: Come on. Let's take it for a spin.

JERRY: I don't want a van.

ELAINE: Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.

JERRY: You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it.

ELAINE: Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'

JERRY: Always helpful.

[Costanza House]

ESTELLE: Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?

GEORGE: Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back.

ESTELLE: Uh... the phone broke.

FRANK: Well, we got to get moving.

GEORGE: What? Where are you going?

FRANK: We have a catered affair.

GEORGE: You're going like that?

FRANK: (leaving the kitchen) It's creative black tie. Move, woman.

GEORGE: (checking the fridge) No Chinese leftovers. George is gettin' suspicious.

[Monk's]

JACK: Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.

(Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face)

JACK: I'm gonna be in the can.

ELAINE: Okay, Jack. (to the cashier) Can I use your phone?

CASHIER (Ruthie Cohen): Sure.

Elaine: (over the phone) Puddy? It's Elaine. We're through. Yeah, that's right. Again.

[In Jerry's Van]

FRANKIE: (in the van with Jerry) Nice captain's chairs, huh?

JERRY: Aye, aye.

FRANKIE: Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.

(Large-vehicle reverse beeping starts)

JERRY: Hold on. There must be a truck backing up.

FRANKIE: No, that's us.

JERRY: Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is there maybe some way I could exchange it?

FRANKIE: You don't like the van?

JERRY: No, no, no. Just hypothetically.

FRANKIE: I gotta go to the park.

JERRY: No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy.

[Jerry & Kramer's Building Lobby]

KRAMER: (showing Jerry his mailbox) Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.

JERRY: Where'd you get the bricks?

KRAMER: Jerry, the whole building is brick.

JERRY: So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to sell the van to a lot.

KRAMER: A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately.

JERRY: I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a used van.

[Back to Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.

JERRY: OK.

KRAMER: All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.'

JERRY: I don't want to trade.

KRAMER: No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.

JERRY: Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my box now.

KRAMER: Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me, and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them.

[Jerry's Apartment]

ELAINE: Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Jack. (Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face)

[Post Office]

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: May I help you?

KRAMER: Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it?

KRAMER: Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently.

NEWMAN: I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three hour break? Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.

KRAMER: Oh, yes, I am.

NEWMAN: What about your bills?

KRAMER: The bank can pay 'em.

NEWMAN: The bank. What about your cards and letters?

KRAMER: E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, holograms.

NEWMAN: All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.

SUPERVISOR: Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman?

NEWMAN: Yes, sir, I believe everything is all squared away. Isn't it, Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting mail!

[Costanza House]

GEORGE: (surprising his parents in the kitchen) Welcome back.

ESTELLE: Oh!

GEORGE: Quick for a... catered affair.

FRANK: I don't know what you mean.

GEORGE: You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on!

FRANK: George, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.

ESTELLE: The breakups, the firings. And every Sunday with the calls.

FRANK: What my wife is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our time.

GEORGE: I'm not following.

FRANK: We're cuttin' you lose.

GEORGE: You're cuttin' me loose?

FRANK: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother.

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: They don't want to see me anymore!

JERRY: But this is what you've always wanted.

GEORGE: It is. I'm just not ready yet.

JERRY: Aw, that's kind of sweet.

GEORGE: Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. Well, they better think again.

JERRY: Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do?

GEORGE: You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her.

JERRY: Mother of God.

GEORGE: One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all over me. Who is this guy?

JERRY: That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this?

(On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!)

JERRY: That is the guy!

GEORGE: Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?

JERRY: No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering this old commercial.

GEORGE: That's pretty pathetic.

JERRY: I know. They're not even related.

ELAINE: (enters) Hey.

GEORGE: Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.

JERRY: Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. (George exits) So, what do you know about this Jack fellow?

ELAINE: Isn't he the best?

JERRY: Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do?

ELAINE: Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.

JERRY: (turning on the commercial) Right, quiet dignity. As opposed to, say, this?

(On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!)

ELAINE: Oh, no.

JERRY: Oh, yes.

[Jerry's Apartment later that day]

JERRY: (answering the phone) Hello? Yeah, the van is still for sale. Sure, come on buy.

KRAMER: (rushing into Jerry's apartment) Yeah, I called about the van.

[Restaurant]

GEORGE: (at dinner with his cousin) Some more merlot?

RHISA: Yeah, thanks.

GEORGE: Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found you... very attractive.

RHISA: What?

GEORGE: I know it may sound shocking. But, I just can't stop myself from... wanting you.

RHISA: You want to borrow money, right?

GEORGE: No, no. I-I just want us to be... together.

RHISA: All right.

GEORGE: All right?

RHISA: Let's go for it.

GEORGE: Well... we could dance around it a little first.

RHISA: (playing footsie) Nah. Let's be bad, George. Let's be really... bad.

GEORGE: Whoa! Whoa! Geez!

[On the Street]

KRAMER: (inspecting Jerry's van) So, how come you're selling it?

JERRY: You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.

KRAMER: How many miles?

JERRY: Two.

KRAMER: City or highway?

JERRY: Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?

KRAMER: (breaking the antenna) Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that.

JERRY: All right, just get out of here.

KRAMER: All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.

JERRY: OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'

KRAMER: (pointing to the newspaper ad) Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.

JERRY: You put that in!

KRAMER: (pulling out an undershirt) And I'm glad I did. Here.

JERRY: You want to trade me an undershirt?

KRAMER: No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.

JERRY: That's disgusting.

KRAMER: Well, it's my final offer.

[Monk's]

PUDDY: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.

ELAINE: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.

PUDDY: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman.

ELAINE: You're not taking me back?

PUDDY: (leaving) That's right.

ELAINE: He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody...

[On the Street]

KRAMER: (handing out anti-mail pamphlets) Here you go. Mail is evil. Pass it on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.

WOMAN: Why does this dummy have a bucket on its head?

KRAMER: Because we're blind to their tyranny.

WOMAN: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?

KRAMER: Yeah. Move along, Betty.

FRANKIE: Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van?

KRAMER: Well, not anymore. He traded it to me for some Hollywood memorabilia.

FRANKIE: I'm, uh, I'm so stupid.

KRAMER: What?

FRANKIE: (running away) I'm so stupid. Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

KRAMER: Yeah, nice to meet you.

[Monks]

JERRY: She's into it?

GEORGE: She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine.

JERRY: So have your parents found out about it?

GEORGE: She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future together.

JERRY: Brave new world, alright.

KRAMER: (entering Monk's) Hey, you guys.

JERRY: Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?

KRAMER: Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.

JERRY: It's Sunday.

GEORGE: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?

KRAMER: Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.

GEORGE: Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.

JERRY: Hey, I want my van keys back.

KRAMER: Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt.

JERRY: Are you insane? Give 'em to me.

KRAMER: No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.

GEORGE: Wait a minute? He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.

KRAMER: Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels.

JERRY: Oh, no, not Frankie.

KRAMER: Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the park.

JERRY: Oh, no, the woods! The hole!

[Street]

KRAMER: (seeing Newman pull up along side him in his truck) Hey.

NEWMAN: Kramer, what the hell are you doing?

KRAMER: I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else.

NEWMAN: Not that!

KRAMER: What?

NEWMAN: You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's going to happen: you may be walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.

KRAMER: Are you through?

NEWMAN: No! And no one will ever see you again!

KRAMER: Are you through?

NEWMAN: Yes. No, wait! OK, yes.

NEWMAN: (seeing postal security officials walking towards Kramer) Quick! Get in!

KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down.

NEWMAN: There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now!

KRAMER: No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know!

NEWMAN: I know you know, but you don't know what I know.

KRAMER: (being grabbed by the security officials) Hey!

[The Woods]

JERRY: Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you?

HOLE DIGGER: My name is Edgar.

JERRY: Have a nice night.

HOLE DIGGER: Thank you.

[Another part of the Woods]

FRANKIE: (digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's van pull up near him) Stupid... so stupid! Jerry?

RHISA: All right, George. I'm ready.

GEORGE: Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass. Where are my parents?

RHISA: Geor-gie...

FRANKIE: (running up to the van and yelling through the window) Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!

RHISA: (hearing Frankie as George runs to the back of the van) Wait. What's he saying?

GEORGE: I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, my God!

RHISA: No, they caught him.

GEORGE: (running out and away from the van) I knew it wasn't Berkowitz!

FRANKIE: (seeing George running away) Ohh...

[Monk's]

ELAINE: So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack.'

JACK: Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today.

ELAINE: Really, what was the first?

JACK: (pulling out his Wiz hat) They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again.

ELAINE: What?

JACK: (dancing around) I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!

ELAINE: Well what, what about your fact-checking job?

JACK: (dancing around) Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and noooobody beats me!

[The Woods]

JERRY: (finding Frankie, in his hole) Frankie... come on out of there.

FRANKIE: You hate the van.

JERRY: But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.

FRANKIE: So, can we go for a ride?

JERRY: Yeah, let's just get out of here.

HOLE DIGGER #2: (eyeing the empty hole, and getting into it) Are you done with that?

[Another Part of The Woods]

FRANK: (coming upon the van) Good. He left the door unlocked.

ESTELLE: Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods?

FRANK: Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.

ESTELLE: (looking inside of the van) Wow!

FRANK: (reclining the seats in the van to a bed) Hey, look at this. Hoochie mama!

[Post Office]

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here?

KRAMER: Huh? Who are you?

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Well, you can just call me Henry.

KRAMER: Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Last time I checked.

KRAMER: Henry... can I get out of here now?

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.

KRAMER: Oh?

POSTMASTER GENERAL: I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah.

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material here. I gotta be honest with you: you make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door.

KRAMER: Yeah! Ha ha.

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.

KRAMER: I'm very, very sorry.

POSTMASTER GENERAL: Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: Sure do!

POSTMASTER GENERAL: (receiving a salute from Kramer) Now, that's better.

KRAMER: (seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his head, escorted by a security man) Geez. Newman?

NEWMAN: (whimpering) Tell the world my story.

[The Woods]

JERRY: Hey, George!

GEORGE: Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!

JERRY: What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.

GEORGE: Oh. The summer me.

FRANKIE: The winter me.

JERRY: You must be George's cousin.

RHISA: Girlfriend.

JERRY: All right.

GEORGE: (seeing Jerry's van shaking) What is that? That van's a-rockin'.

JERRY: Don't go a-knockin'.

ESTELLE: (after George opens the van door) Oh, my god!

GEORGE: (seeing his parents being intimate) Oh, my god!

FRANKIE: Now you gotta sell this van.

JERRY: Oh, yeah.

[Costanza House]

FRANK: What you saw in that van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady.

GEORGE: Ohhhh...

ESTELLE: Your father's right. It's beautiful.

FRANK: And it was safe.

GEORGE: Oh, God...

FRANK: Now if you'll excuse me. Once again, your mother and I...

GEORGE: Oh... make it stop.

The End

S9E6 - The Merv Griffin Show

Broadcast date: November 6, 1997

Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Rick Hall ............................. Vet

Brent Hinkley ..................... Lou

Julia Pennington ................ Celia

Arabella Field ..................... Miranda

Jim Fowler .......................... Himself

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: John O'Hurley ............... J. Peterman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza (voice only, uncredited)

rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza (voice only, uncredited)

==================================================================

[Jerry and Kramer walking along on the sidewalk]

JERRY: I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.

KRAMER: Well what’s the difference -- Come on (pats him on the back) -- were like Cain and Able.

JERRY: Yeah, ya know Cain slew Able.

(there is a light pole, so Jerry puts his hand on it and swings gently around it and keeps walking)

KRAMER: No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.

JERRY: Oh, no.

KRAMER: All right then, what was it?

JERRY: Well I think Able worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.

KRAMER: The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Able.

JERRY: Ya broke my blender, didn’t ya?

KRAMER: Yeah. Well I was trying to make gravel and it just (moves hands around) just didn’t work out.

JERRY: I knew it.

[Jerry and Kramer still walking along the sidewalk talking]

JERRY: Why were you making gravel?

KRAMER: Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.

(Jerry and Kramer see a huge dumpster in an alley)

KRAMER: Aahh, this looks familiar…

JERRY: Of course. It's garbage.

KRAMER: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. (hits his hand on the rim) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! (he climbs into the dumpster) They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!

JERRY: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

KRAMER: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.

JERRY: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.

KRAMER: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.

JERRY: (moans) Ohhh (walks away)

[In George's car]

GEORGE: You know I uh, spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago. Hm, Can't smell anything, can ya?

MIRANDA: Banana?

GEORGE: Right.

MIRANDA: George watch out for those pigeons.

GEORGE: Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?

(George hits the pigeons. As the feathers fly, Miranda is frantic.)

MIRANDA: (gasp) Oh my God. (trying to catch her breath, she puts her hand to her chest.)

GEORGE: So uh… where we eating?

(Miranda takes a couple more breaths)

[Celia's apartment]

JERRY: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.

CELIA: You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.

JERRY: Wow! (Jerry spots all the classic toys)

CELIA: Oh yeah the toys.

JERRY: Where did you get all these?

CELIA: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long painful bout with…

JERRY: Super bowl! Hey, an original G.I. Joe. (picks up both items) With a full frogman suit.

CELIA: Jerry, what are you doing?

JERRY: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.

CELIA: Ohhh Jerry. (takes them from Jerry and puts them back with the other toys) They're priceless. They've never been played with.

JERRY: I just want a, touch ‘em a little.

CELIA: I said no. Now come here.

(They embrace in a kiss with eyes closed. Jerry opens his eyes looking at all the toys)

[Peterman's]

(Elaine in the kitchen, is getting some coffee and turns around from the counter, lou is standing way too close)

LOU: Hi (startled, Elaine spills her coffee on her sleeve) I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.

(Lou turns and walks away. Walter enters the kitchen)

ELAINE: Hey Walter, what is the deal with that guy?

WALTER: uh-He's Lou Filerman. He's new here.

ELAINE: (exhales)

WALTER: Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.

ELAINE: You've been an enormous help.

[Monk's]

JERRY: You ran over some pigeons? How many?

GEORGE: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but i-i-it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

JERRY: Course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.

GEORGE: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this!

JERRY: So Miranda's cooled on ya?

GEORGE: I'm getting nothing.

JERRY: Yeah, me neither.

GEORGE: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?

JERRY: Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

(Elaine enters)

GEORGE: I don't understand women.

JERRY: Here comes one.

ELAINE: Hey. What's going on?

GEORGE: Hey (sees the coffee stain) Art Garfunkel?

ELAINE: No, Castro.

GEORGE: Right.

ELAINE: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!

JERRY: So he just sidles up?

ELAINE: That's right! He's a real sidler. (points at Jerry)

JERRY: Maybe you just didn't see him.

ELAINE: Wha-You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making Cup-A-Soup singing that song from "The Lion King".

JERRY: Hakuna Matata?

ELAINE: I thought I was alone.

JERRY: That doesn't make it right.

[Jerry and Elaine walking in the hallway up to Jerry's apartment door]

JERRY: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup...

ELAINE: Would you just, let it go?

KRAMER: (from his apartment) Hey, Jerry! Come here a sec!

(Jerry and Elaine head into Kramer’s apartment. There is a large blue, spangly curtain through which they enter)

KRAMER: Hey! (moving a chair onto the set)

JERRY: Oh my God!

KRAMER: (Outstretched arms) It's the Merv Griffin set. (Claps 7 times)

JERRY: How did you get this in here?

KRAMER: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and (pop) hook it.

JERRY: So where you gonna sleep?

KRAMER: Yeah ... backstage.

ELAINE: Ehnn! This chair smells like garbage.

KRAMER: (putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix for example.

(phone rings)

JERRY: I'm gonna get that. (walks across the set towards the blue curtain)

KRAMER: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. (stretches his arm out, as if he’s reaching out a good-bye)

(Jerry turns and looks at Kramer like he’s nuts. The phone rings again and Jerry exits)

KRAMER: Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine sits down) Boy, is it possible that you’re even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?

ELAINE: (giggles)

[Central Park]

(George watches a jogger running through a bunch of pigeons and they scatter. George runs at the pigeons. They don't move for him and he steps on one - feathers fly everywhere)

GEORGE: Ahh, Ah-Ah…We had a deal!

(a mother and son sitting on a park bench are horrified witnessing what just happened in front of them)

[Peterman's Office]

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.

PETERMAN: One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. Annnnnd, done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly (leafing through the pages). It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.

ELAINE: What? (with arms crossed, she turns quickly and… )

(Lou Filerman is standing behind her)

[Kramer's Apartment - The Merv Griffin set]

JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.

KRAMER: Hm, That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.

JERRY: Yeah, that was me.

KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had an…

JERRY: An Army Pete.

KRAMER: Right.

JERRY: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.

KRAMER: And we all know how painful that can be. (as he says this, he turns and speaks directly into the non-existent television camera. Jerry looks a bit confused.)

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Jerry. Oh there - -

KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come - - (motions for Jerry to move down one seat as the new guest has arrived for her segment. Kramer gives Jerry a little push) Come on sit down. Yes.

ELAINE: (clears throat) (to Jerry) Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.

KRAMER: Ju - Excuse me. Yeah we're, talking this way.

ELAINE: Well, he's getting credit for work that I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.

KRAMER: Ah, Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?

ELAINE: Kramer, what is wrong with you?

KRAMER: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards

(Kramer puts the note cards inside his jacket)

ELAINE: (to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.

JERRY: You, sidle? Y-You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!

ELAINE: Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!

KRAMER: (to the imaginary TV camera) Only in New York. ... ha ha

GEORGE: Jerry?

(George enters)

KRAMER: Oh! (turns on the Merv Griffin theme music) Heeeyy! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!

(George looks confused. Kramer motions for Jerry and Elaine to move down another seat to make room for the new guest George. Kramer points, laughs, claps and pats George on the back)

TAPE RECORDER: Turn Music Off (Kramer pushes the off button turning the music off)

KRAMER: Yeah, sit, sit, sit… Weeell! (laughing, clapping)

GEORGE: Well, it happened again.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: Eyaaaya-ya-ya, I'll ask the questions. What happened?

GEORGE: Well I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.

KRAMER: All right, let's uh, change the subject, ah. (looking at the yellow note cards) Now, uh you and uh, Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ah ... what was that like?

(Confused, Jerry and Elaine look at each other while George stares at Kramer.)

KRAMER: That was the wrong card.

GEORGE: I-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It-it's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!

JERRY: So they're like everyone else.

KRAMER: (laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break.

(George, Elaine and Jerry sit there watching - fascinated, as Kramer munches on some chips, sits back, takes a drink of soda, sets the can down, burps and adjusts his tie)

KRAMER: … Okay ah, (checks his watch) We're back!

[George's Car]

GEORGE: Boy that-that bank clock is-is eight minutes off.

MIRANDA: Then why don't you just run IT over too?

GEORGE: Zing.

(George sees a lone pigeon in the middle of the road - shot of George’s worried face - back to the pigeon, as the car is almost on top of it and still not moving out of the way. George swerves the car to avoid hitting the pigeon. George pulls the car over and stops)

MIRANDA: George, what are you doing?

GEORGE: Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!

MIRANDA: What pigeon? You drove right into that squirrel. (leaves the car)

GEORGE: Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!

[Celia's Apartment]

(Jerry and Celia are getting comfortable, sitting on the couch, watching TV. Jerry reaches over to the shelves with all the toys and picks up a plastic army man and pretends like he’s shooting another plastic army man)

JERRY: (sound of gunfire) Pkew, pkew, pkew, pkew, Pkeeew!

(Celia sees Jerry playing)

CELIA: Jerry! (she slides away from him) … Those hands! They never stop!

JERRY: I'm sorry. Got any booze? What's say you and I get ripped!

CELIA: No. Thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?

JERRY: All right.

(Jerry gets up and walks to the bathroom - Opens the medicine cabinet, picks up a pill bottle, reading the label)

JERRY: Ohh, will not “cause drowsiness"

(picks up another bottle) May “cause…drowsiness"

(Jerry puts the first bottle back and takes the second one)

[Peterman's office]

LOU: Here's the new copy you wanted.

PETERMAN: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you.

(Elaine is quietly standing behind Lou - she sidled him)

ELAINE: (winks and clicks) Thank you. ha ha ha ha. (sits down)

PETERMAN: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent drivel! This is a total redo. And I'm assuming I need it right away.

ELAINE: Well, I guess we'll just have - (Lou has left) Ohh, just gimme that. (takes the papers and walks away)

[Celia's apartment ]

(Celia is passed out sleeping. Camera pans to a toy monkey going full speed. Jerry is playing with the original G.I. Joe in the full frogman suit. He pretends the G.I. Joe is swimming into the monkey - and beats the monkey, making it fall off the coffee table)

JERRY: Uhn-uh-uhn - Uhn-uh-uhn - - veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer… A-Ha ha! Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (singing) dee, de-de, de-de-de-de-de (Makes G.I. Joe swim off, legs kicking)

[Veterinary Clinic]

MIRANDA: Doctor is the squirrel going to live?

DOCTOR: There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but, it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.

GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?

DOCTOR: We, could put him to sleep.

GEORGE: What might that cost?

DOCTOR: Well it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.

GEORGE: Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. We'd like you to, do everything possible.

DOCTOR: He, um. He's not going to be the same, you know?

GEORGE: Yeah. yeah. I-I know.

[Kramer's Apartment - The Merv Griffin set]

GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.

NEWMAN: (laughs - T-heheheheheheheh) El Paso!

(Kramer is now laughing cause Newman is laughing)

JERRY: What's he here for?

NEWMAN: eue-aaa.

KRAMER: Ah to take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry ah, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm.

JERRY: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.

KRAMER: Well. Sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear, wedding bells?

NEWMAN: Are you married right now? (points at Jerry)

KRAMER: Newman. (Kramer smacks Newmans’ arm)

JERRY: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I, guess she passed out!

KRAMER: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

JERRY: She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!

KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. (Newman starts the taped music) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!

NEWMAN: I told you he was a risk.

JERRY: Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!

NEWMAN: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!

KRAMER: Smile, everyone! We're back!

[Elaine's office]

LOU: You wanted to see me, Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes, Lou. (exhales) You've got a lot going for you. You're um ... you're spontaneous. You're, symmetrical. You're, uh, ... (spins around as Lou is behind her now) Ehh - you're very quick, aren't ya. Um, It's just that your...

LOU: My dead tooth?

ELAINE: No. Your. (breathes)

LOU: Not my breath?

ELAINE: Uuhhh.

LOU: What can I do?

ELAINE: Well, you should never ever go anywhere, (shakes a box of Tic Tacs) without these.

LOU: Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he opens the door and goes into the hall - now he clicks and clacks when he walks)

(Elaine smiles, nodding her head, thinking she has fixed Lou’s Sidling ability)

[Celia's apartment]

GEORGE: More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine)

CELIA: Hmm. (takes a sip)

JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.

CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?

JERRY and GEORGE: Tryptophan. (footnote - see end of script)

CELIA: Ahh.

JERRY: ... I think. Have some more wine. (Jerry pours his whole glass of wine into her glass.)

CELIA: What video did you get?

GEORGE: Oh.

JERRY: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.

GEORGE: Four hours.

JERRY: More heavy gravy?

(Celia is sleeping )

GEORGE: (playing with toys) Ahhhh, Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. (hands Jerry the Mattel Football. George starts playing with the Etch-a-sketch.)

[Kramer's Apartment - The Merv Griffin set]

NEWMAN: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. You know, I rip of the label… I can hardly tell the difference.

KRAMER: We've officially bottomed out, mm. Who's our next guest?

NEWMAN: We got no one!

KRAMER: We need a new format. We should shut down and re-tool.

(Kramer pulls the plug, hitting Newman in the process, and the show goes dark -Kramer exhales as they sit there for 7 seconds, silently, thinking )

NEWMAN: What about a guest-host?

KRAMER: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

[Veterinary Clinic]

MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?

GEORGE: Is he dead?

DOCTOR: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?

MIRANDA: Yes he would.

(The Vet opens the door to the room with the squirrel laying on the bed. George is standing in the doorway, then takes a few steps to the bed as the doctor moves to the door.)

DOCTOR: You uh, You have 30 minutes. (Doctor exits. George turns and looks towards the doctor)

GEORGE: So ... uh, squirrel.

(Doctor enters)

DOCTOR: One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow.

GEORGE: What's that?

DOCTOR: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.

GEORGE: He has no home. He's a squirrel.

DOCTOR: Hmm-hm. Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits)

[Monk's]

JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.

GEORGE: It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Jerry, (claps) aaya - what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.

JERRY: What about my "questionable material"?

KRAMER: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!

JERRY: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?

KRAMER: Well, I practically raised his kids.

GEORGE: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. C-Can I bring the squirrel by?

KRAMER: What? Two animal acts on the same show? (turns to Jerry) What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, maybe another time, all right? (drums table and exits)

GEORGE: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic!

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey! (startles Jerry and George) ha ha ha ha. Nice sidle, huh? Speaking, of which I think I’ve got that problem, solved.

JERRY: Tic-Tacs work?

ELAINE: He's a human maraca.

GEORGE: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.

ELAINE: You took him over to Celia's?

JERRY: What? It's a victimless crime.

ELAINE: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?

JERRY: Okay, one victim.

ELAINE: I think it's unconscionable.

GEORGE: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.

ELAINE: EZ Bake oven?

[Celia's apartment]

(Celia at the dinner table, passed out again. We hear a ding from the EZ Bake Oven. Elaine, Jerry and George are sitting on the floor around the coffee table full of toys.)

ELAINE: Who wants cupcake?

GEORGE: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!

JERRY: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.

FRANK: (on TV) You step on it and it flushes.

ELAINE: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?

ESTELLE: (on TV) Stop squirming.

GEORGE: Oh, don't look. T-This is the part where they change me.

JERRY: You're like eight years old.

ESTELLE: (on TV) Georgie.

GEORGE: I was seven and a half.

[Elaine's office]

(Elaine is shaking some Tic Tacs into her hand)

PETERMAN: That noise. That's the noise!

ELAINE: What?

PETERMAN: That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. Even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!

ELAINE: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!

PETERMAN: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?

ELAINE: No Mister Peterman.

PETERMAN: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits)

(Elaine hears the click-clack click-clack rattling of the Tic-Tacs in the hall - she searches for the source of the sound)

[Coffee room]

ELAINE: (pushes Lou into the room) Lou! In here! (closes the door) We have to talk.

LOU: Oh, right.

ELAINE: (Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) Ooh, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.

LOU: Why?

ELAINE: Because they're turning your teeth green?

LOU: I only buy the white ones.

ELAINE: O-kay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. You just gotta stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash.

LOU: I can't. It burns my cankers.

ELAINE: Binaca?

LOU: Again.

ELAINE: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!

LOU: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago.

ELAINE: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

[Kramer's Apartment - The Merv Griffin set]

KRAMER: Okay. A little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert, Jim Fowler.

FOWLER: Where are the cameras? (he has a live Hawk perched on his arm)

KRAMER: But first, we're talking with, Jerry. (looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection. How do you feel about that?

JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.

KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything, about this?

JERRY: No, not a thing.

(Newman laughs)

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!

(just like the “The Jerry Springer Show”)

CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?

NEWMAN & KRAMER: Woah.

JERRY: What, What is this? What is she doing here?

KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Git gt gt.

CELIA: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!

NEWMAN: Go girl!

JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?

NEWMAN and KRAMER: Ohhh!

(George enters with the squirrel)

GEORGE: Mister Fowler, I-I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! (laughs)

KRAMER: George I told you we're booked!

FOWLER: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.

(the Hawk starts making squawking sounds)

KRAMER: Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.

GEORGE: Uh.

FOWLER: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!

(in slow motion - the hawk flies straight at George and the squirrel. Then a shot of Jerry looking amazed, Kramer looking stunned, Newman totally amused. Then the screeching hawk, again in slow motion, coming right at George. George puts his crossed arms up in front of him)

GEORGE: Ahhhh, Ahh, Ah, Ahhh, Ahh, Ah!

KRAMER: (off camera) Are we getting this?

[Monk's]

(George has some scratches on his forehead)

JERRY: So the whole set was destroyed?

KRAMER: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.

GEORGE: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry ‘bout the set.

KRAMER: I’ll tell ya it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.

MIRANDA: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits)

JERRY: So the squirrel's gonna make it?

GEORGE: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm… sleeping on the couch.

JERRY: On the couch? So you're...

GEORGE: Still getting nothing!

(George sees some pigeons outside the window, making pigeon noises)

GEORGE: So go ahead pigeons. hu hu hu. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last I heard ... we have NO DEAL!

[Celia's]

CELIA: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.

ELAINE: Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I-I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?

CELIA: Who's he? (Lou)

ELAINE: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for ya. (pours her glass of wine into Celia’s glass)

(Merv Griffin Show theme music plays)

The End

==================================================================

- Tryptophan

http://home.howstuffworks.com/question519.htm

Is there something in turkey that makes you sleepy?

Turkey does have the makings of a natural sedative in it, an amino acid called tryptophan. Tryptophan is an essential amino acid, meaning that the body cannot

manufacture it. The body has to get tryptophan and other essential amino acids from

food. Tryptophan helps the body produce the B-vitamin niacin, which, in turn, helps the

body produce serotonin, a remarkable chemical that acts as a calming agent in the brain

and plays a role in sleep. So you might think that if you eat a lot of turkey, your body

would produce more serotonin and you would feel calm and want a nap.

http://www.ehso.com/ehshome/FoodSafety/foodtryptophan.php

What is tryptophan?

Tryptophan is an essential Amino Acid. It is a precursor for serotonin (which aids sleep and anxiety),and helps in niacin (B vitamins) production. Foods that are considered sources of tryptophan are dairy products, beef, poultry, barley, brown rice, fish, soybeans, and peanuts.

L-tryptophan is a natural sedative. It is normally found in turkey meat, and many people believe it to be the cause of a sleepiness common after a Thanksgiving feast.

Tryptophan is a component of many plant and animal proteins, and a normal part of the diet that humans must get from outside sources. It also happens to be the precursor (starting material) from which our brains make serotonin, which calms you down and makes you sleepy.

The Answer

Now, back to our original question. Does the tryptophan in turkey make you sleepy after eating a big Thanksgiving turkey dinner?

Sorry to say, that if you're looking for the sedative effect, it's unlikely you'll get it from eating meats like turkey. L-tryptophan doesn't act on the brain unless you take it on an empty stomach with no protein present. So it probably isn't at fault for the sudden drowsiness that hits right after the meal when the football games come on, and the dishes are waiting!

It's more likely due to the combination of drinking alcohol and overeating - not just turkey, but also mashed potatoes, ham, creamed onions, cranberries, sweet potatoes, peas, stuffing (or dressing, if you prefer), carrots, bread, pies, and whipped cream - all of which have the effect of puling the blood away from your brain to help your digestive tract do it's work, and the sugar/insulin effect.

On the bright side, more evidence suggest that caffeine is not only not bad for you; it actually helps many brain functions, alertness, learning, memory and countering Alzheimers... so have a cup of coffee or tea (yeah, green tea if you really want to claim additional health benefits! )!

S9E7 - The Slicer

Broadcast date: November 13, 1997

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Story by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin & Darin Henry

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Marcia Cross ....................... Sara

Daniel Von Bargen .............. Kruger

Larry B. Scott ..................... Arthur Milano

David Moreland ................. Mr. Parry

==================================================================

[Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.]

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Morning.

ELAINE: Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this.

JERRY: But why?

ELAINE: I need some space.

(Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.)

GEORGE: Does that mean I have to go too?

JERRY: You don't think she's just talking to me?

GEORGE: Hey, shut up.

JERRY: You shut up.

ELAINE: I hate this.

(Kramer pops out the covers.)

KRAMER: You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub.

ELAINE: No, I don't want this anymore.

JERRY: We'll come to work with you.

GEORGE: And on your dates.

JERRY: And shopping.

KRAMER: And to the bathroom.

JERRY, GEORGE & KRAMER: Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine...(distant alarm sound which is getting louder.)

ELAINE: I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine wakes up) You're killing me!

(Elaine tries to push her alarm clock showing 3:30. She realizes, that alarm comes from next door.)

ELAINE: (Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! (Screams)

[Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.]

KRUGER: Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?

GEORGE: Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'.

KRUGER: It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days?

GEORGE: That should be 14, let me just...(corrects it with a pen.)

KRUGER: George, I have to honest; I could go either way with you...but what the hell, we need someone, huh.

GEORGE: You won't regret this, sir.

KRUGER: I don't care. Let's find you an office.

(Kruger leaves and George notices a photograph on the table: Kruger's family and George on the background.)

[Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.]

GEORGE:...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him; the boom box incident.

JERRY: The boom box incident?

GEORGE: Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.

JERRY: Seems reasonable.

GEORGE: Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids.

JERRY: Even more reasonable.

GEORGE: So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there.

JERRY: And that guy is your new boss?

GEORGE: Until that stupid photo jogs his memory.

KRAMER: Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it?

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job.

JERRY: Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off.

GEORGE: It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there.

KRAMER: You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple of days and get it air brushed.

GEORGE: Like retouched.

KRAMER: You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford right out of there.

GEORGE: Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him.

(George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes in to his hands.)

KRAMER: Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this...

(Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.)

KRAMER: I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years.

JERRY: Neither have I.

[5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.]

KRAMER: Hey, our meat problems are solved.

JERRY: Where did you get this thing?

KRAMER: I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide.

(Elaine comes in.)

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of meat.) Welcome to flavor country.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's pretty good.

JERRY: Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met.

ELAINE: Sara Sitarides?

JERRY: Mmhu.

ELAINE: Oh...(falls in to the sofa.)

JERRY: What's with you?

ELAINE: You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes?

JERRY: Your whole building smells like potatoes.

ELAINE: This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30 this morning.

KRAMER: You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit.

ELAINE: How do you do that?

KRAMER: Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls.

JERRY: I think we might have one left in the stock room.

(Kramer looks lost.)

[Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.]

KRAMER: This hallway smells like potatoes.

ELAINE: I know, I know, this is it. (points to a door.)

KRAMER: Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go...

ELAINE: I think I'll let you do it.

KRAMER: No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly.

ELAINE: No, I really don't want to.

KRAMER: Well, I don't want to either.

ELAINE: I thought you had done this before.

KRAMER: It's just...it's no picnic.

ELAINE: Well, how are we gonna do it?

KRAMER: Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.

(Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it to the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the floor. The lights go off.)

KRAMER: Oh mama.

ELAINE: Are you okay?

KRAMER: I will lose that nail.

[Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.]

SARA: I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what it's like to have someone's life depending on you.

JERRY: Well, I have this neighbor...

SARA: A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's life?

JERRY: Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball?

SARA: No.

JERRY: Cause I hit a whopper last week!

[Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.]

CLERK: Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and sky.

(George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger isn't.)

GEORGE: What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy.

CLERK: I thought you said you wanted to be out?

GEORGE: Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy!

CLERK: You've really lost a lot of hair.

GEORGE: I am aware!

[Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.]

Elaine thinking: Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 76 bucks, how often do I make...oh, I've gotta buy a book.

(She hears a loud cat meowing next door.)

ELAINE: The cat.

[5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.]

JERRY: He took out Kruger?

GEORGE: I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this guy can fix it up.

(Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.)

KRAMER: This slicer is indomitable.

JERRY: Where did you get that butcher's coat?

KRAMER: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.

(Elaine comes in.)

ELAINE: Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've shut off the automatic feeder.

KRAMER: See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez.

ELAINE: What did he do about it?

KRAMER: Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died.

ELAINE: Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm.

KRAMER: Oh, that's a prickly one.

ELAINE: Yeah, how's the doctor date?

JERRY: Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless.

ELAINE: Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life.

JERRY: Dermatology?

ELAINE: Yes, she's a dermatologist.

JERRY: Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it.

KRAMER: The slicer! Elaine, let's go.

ELAINE: Where are we going?

KRAMER: The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride.

(Elaine and Kramer leave.)

GEORGE: When are you going on your next date with her?

JERRY: Oh, what's the point?

GEORGE: What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place?

JERRY: Revenge date? That sound like you more than me.

GEORGE: This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter!

JERRY: Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!

GEORGE: Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on!

JERRY: You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off.

GEORGE: No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers...

JERRY: Flowers?

GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.)

JERRY: So, you've done this?

GEORGE: Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time.

[Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under the door.]

KRAMER: I think we are looking half a millimeter.

ELAINE: Can it cut that thin?

KRAMER: Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.

ELAINE: How did you know you cut it?

KRAMER: Well, I guess I just assumed.

ELAINE: Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.

KRAMER: Yeah, that's a hall of famer.

ELAINE: Alright, let's do it.

KRAMER: Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under the door.)

ELAINE: Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?

KRAMER: Oh no, I don't think so.

ELAINE: Why not?

KRAMER: Well, you're not checked at on it.

ELAINE: What do I have to know?

KRAMER: Well, where the meat goes?

ELAINE: Right there.

KRAMER: Where do you turn it on?

ELAINE: Right there.

KRAMER: But where does the meat go?

[Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.]

SARA: Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice.

JERRY: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business?

SARA: It's fine.

JERRY: It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man!

SARA: What is with you?

JERRY: You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!

(A man comes to the table.)

PARRY: Dr. Sitarides?

SARA: Mr. Parry, how are you?

PARRY: I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life.

JERRY: She saved your life?

PARRY: I had skin cancer.

JERRY: Skin cancer! Damn.

[Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and talking on the phone.]

ELAINE: You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye.

(Walks off the couch.)

ELAINE: These heals are so uneven. (Watches the slicer.)

[Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.]

CLERK: Here you Mr. Costanza.

(George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the picture.)

GEORGE: What is this? This is a drawing.

CLERK: Looks real, doesn't it?

GEORGE: This is a cartoon!

CLERK: Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. Considering, I think that's damn good.

GEORGE: But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph!

CLERK: Then you better get a camera.

[5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.]

JERRY: He looks like a Peanuts character.

GEORGE: I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.

JERRY: You can do that.

GEORGE: Without his shirt on.

JERRY: You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you.

GEORGE: It seemed so disorganized.

JERRY: I understand.

GEORGE: What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.

JERRY: True. You mean, for you?

GEORGE: I think.

JERRY: What about your sea sickness?

GEORGE: Maybe I could be a land guy.

JERRY: I don't know if they have land guys.

GEORGE: Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place!

(Elaine comes in.)

ELAINE: Pliers?

JERRY: Drawer.

ELAINE: Got it.

JERRY: What are they for?

ELAINE: I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer.

JERRY: Come again?

ELAINE: Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He has very strong feelings for it.

GEORGE: I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go?

JERRY: Eh, it went okay.

GEORGE: Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy?

JERRY: Yeah, I started out real classy...

GEORGE: Yeah you did, you classed it up!

JERRY: But then I found out about the skin cancer.

GEORGE: Oh, so it backfired?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself.

ELAINE: Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.

JERRY: Sadly, that knowledge could've help me.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman?

ELAINE: Aha.

GEORGE: Could she do that at Kruger?

ELAINE: I don't know, I guess.

GEORGE: So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.

ELAINE: You have a little thing for this fella'?

GEORGE: Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.

JERRY: Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her!

GEORGE: And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize..

JERRY: Must I?

GEORGE: Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.

JERRY: How does that reflect me?

(Kramer comes in.)

KRAMER: Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice.

ELAINE: Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.

KRAMER: Ok, I'll go with you.

ELAINE: Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.

KRAMER: Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.

[Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.]

JERRY: So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian...

SARA: Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off.

JERRY: Was it pimple popper MD?

SARA: That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.)

JERRY: Still got it.

[Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.]

ELAINE: Out, damn heal!

(Knock on the door.)

KRAMER: Elaine?

ELAINE: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah listen, I need my slicer back.

ELAINE: Just hold on!

(Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.)

KRAMER: Hey, what's going on?

ELAINE: Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone...

(Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.)

KRAMER: My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine!

ELAINE: Phone call! I'm in a big phone call!

KRAMER: Come on, this is important! (Shakes the door handle and it comes loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.)

NEIGHBOR: Hey, get the hell out of here!

KRAMER: Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.

[5A. Jerry and Kramer.]

KRAMER: So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me.

(Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all over it.)

JERRY: What the hell is this?

KRAMER: Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Well, what have you been doing?

JERRY: Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized...

KRAMER: Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there?

JERRY: Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well...

KRAMER: There, there's your hives.

JERRY: What, she gave me hives?

KRAMER: Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill.

JERRY: She did kind of touch my face.

KRAMER: Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion.

JERRY: It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.

KRAMER: Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room.

[Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose to her hand.]

ELAINE: Oh, that's fantastic.

[Kruger's. George and Sara.]

GEORGE: I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted me to take a photograph for the record.

SARA: What record?

GEORGE: His personal file, I, I don't ask...

(Jerry and Kramer walk in.)

SARA: Jerry? What brings you here?

JERRY: I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.)

SARA: Looks like hives.

JERRY: Where do you suppose that could've come from?

GEORGE: Jerry, what are you doing...

KRAMER: He is just setting the record straight.

JERRY: Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice?

SARA: Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose?

JERRY: I want the antidote, pimple popper!

SARA: That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.

JERRY: Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that!

(Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.)

GEORGE: Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!

(Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white butcher's coat.)

KRUGER: Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here?

GEORGE: Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second. Be right with you.

KRAMER: Doc, huh?

GEORGE: Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles.

KRAMER: Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.

GEORGE: And get a picture of him, with his shirt off.

KRAMER: You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you?

GEORGE: Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick...

[Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.]

ELAINE: This is it. I can take this anymore.

(She turns the radio on loud (Foghat: Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.)

[Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.]

KRAMER: Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my on that.

KRUGER: How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand?

KRAMER: Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.

KRUGER: So, how am I looking?

KRAMER: Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder) yeuye...

(Kramer comes out to talk to George.)

GEORGE: Kramer, I really owe you one.

KRAMER: George, we got a problem.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious.

GEORGE: So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone else.

KRAMER: George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?

GEORGE: Because, you're not a dermatologist.

KRAMER: He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I wanna do; I think I can get a section...

GEORGE: Whoa, whoa, a section?!

KRAMER: Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still...

GEORGE: No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss...

KRAMER: It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it.

GEORGE: No! Absolutely Not!

KRAMER: Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake. And it's going in my chart.

[Elaine is on the phone and the radio plays music very loud (Iron Butterfly: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida)]

ELAINE: Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I need someone to come over here right away!

NEIGHBOR: Turn it off! Turn it off!

ELAINE: I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax!

NEIGHBOR: Alright, that's it!

ELAINE: Yeah, the address is 78th West...

(Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.)

NEIGHBOR: Oh, oh mama...

[5A. Jerry and George]

JERRY: So, Kramer pulled it off?

GEORGE: Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you.

JERRY: Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees!

GEORGE: Why don't you see someone about it?

JERRY: I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.

KRAMER: (Points to a page on the book) Squamous cell carcinoma.

GEORGE: You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this.

KRAMER: George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now we gotta came clean.

GEORGE: You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing.

KRAMER: I don't want this on my conscience.

GEORGE: I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this.

KRAMER: Yeah, alright...

JERRY: Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here.

KRAMER: They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.

JERRY: Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners.

(Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.)

KRAMER: Well, that's weird.

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.

JERRY: That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!

KRAMER: So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you.

JERRY: Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)

KRAMER: Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou....

[Kruger's office]

KRUGER: George, come in. I'm just going over our annual report...boy did we take it on the chin last year.

GEORGE: Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole.

KRUGER: I'm not too worried about it.

GEORGE: Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked out.

KRUGER: George, take a look at this photo. This is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks exactly as it does today. So, there's no cause for concern, eh?

GEORGE: Whatever.

KRUGER: Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear shaped loser.

GEORGE: Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there!

KRUGER: Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot of hair.

GEORGE: That's what they tell me!

[Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the hallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under the door.[

KRAMER: Do you want more pastrami?

ELAINE: Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good.

KRAMER: Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?

JERRY: I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did.

GEORGE: He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist?

JERRY: Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad.

GEORGE: What did he give you for it.

JERRY: Aloe. So where's that lock smith?

GEORGE: Have to give him time on this hour.

ELAINE: Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out from keyhole.)

KRAMER: Oh yeah, coming up...

The End

S9E8 - The Betrayal

Broadcast date: November 20, 1997

Written by David Mandel & Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Brenda Strong ..................... Sue Ellen Mischke

Micheal McShane ................ FDR (Franklin Delano Romanosky)

Justine Miceli ....................... Nina

Bart Braverman .................. Zubin

Noor Shic ............................ Usha

Jocelyne Kelly ..................... Model

Brian Kaiser ......................... Postman

Shelley Malil ....................... Usher

Bill Lee Brown ..................... Partygoer

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross

==================================================================

(The final 'Castle Rock' screen shows, then the end credits roll. Scene cuts to the Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases. Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered)

GEORGE: So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?!

ELAINE: (Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.

GEORGE: (Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

GEORGE: Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!

(Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them)

JERRY: (To George) I said I was sorry.

GEORGE: You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!

JERRY: (Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?!

KRAMER: (Confused) What is up with you two?

GEORGE: I don't want to talk about it.

KRAMER: (To Jerry) So how was the big trip?

JERRY: I don't want to talk about it!

KRAMER: (Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened to your nose?

ELAINE: I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the pain from her nose on the word 'about')

KRAMER: Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant?

ELAINE: She.. was.

JERRY: 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.

KRAMER: (Interested) Ooohh... That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom)

GEORGE: (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.

JERRY: I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: India]

Notice: "INDIA - ONE DAY EARLIER"

(People storm out of a building. All are dressed in wedding apparel)

SUE ELLEN: That's it! The wedding's off.

PINTER: What? But, Sue Ellen-

SUE ELLEN: (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?!

ELAINE: No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I - I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical.

SUE ELLEN: I have never been so humiliated!

ELAINE: (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all your fault!

GEORGE: (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me!

JERRY: (Pleading) George, I'm sorry.

GEORGE: Oh you can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!

JERRY: (Confused) I don't know what that means.

GEORGE: (To his girlfriend) Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me?

NINA: (Casually) Alright.. Neither.

GEORGE: What?! Well, what are you doing here?

NINA: A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those boots. Everyone knows you're five' six.

GEORGE: Five' eight! Five' seven!

ELAINE: (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right?

SUE ELLEN: No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose!

(Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out)

JERRY: That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!

GEORGE: (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A building in India - the wedding ceremony is about to start]

Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER"

(The bride, Sue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering flowers behind them. Jerry walks in and takes a seat)

ELAINE: (Whispering to Jerry) Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: What happened last night?

JERRY: Oh, you were pretty loaded.

ELAINE: (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.

JERRY: Oh. Hello, Tetanus.

(Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall)

NINA: George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine.

GEORGE: (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out.

ELAINE: (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands ... painted black?

GEORGE: (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks toward the bride and groom)

GEORGE: Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I believe you know Nina.

JERRY: (As George sits down) George, we need to talk.

GEORGE: (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me!

JERRY: Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all.

GEORGE: (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!

JERRY: (Pleading) I'm really sorry.

GEORGE: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

JERRY: (Confused) Where'd you get that one?

GEORGE: It's an expression.

ELAINE: (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing)

GEORGE: (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!

JERRY: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.

GEORGE: (Losing it) Funny guy!

(Elaine quickly makes her way to Jerry and George, scattering flower petals as she goes -- she throws some at them)

ELAINE: Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here!

GEORGE: Elaine, you have to sleep with me.

ELAINE: (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you.

GEORGE: Reparations!

ELAINE: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with him (Points to Jerry), he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history.

GEORGE: (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?!

(Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly. All eyes on them, especially Sue Ellen)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: New York street]

Notice:

"FOUR HOURS EARLIER - BACK IN NEW YORK"

(Kramer is standing up against a brick wall. All the sudden, he's pegged straight in the face with a snowball. He winces from the pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the one who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him)

KRAMER: Oh, thank you, FDR! All right, now we’re even.

FDR: I-I-I stuck a rock in there too.

FDR: All right.

(they put their arms around each other’s shoulder and walk off)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"

(Kramer and FDR are both holding a wishbone)

KRAMER: Alright, FDR. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred percent anti-drop-dead protection -- Forever.

FDR: Alright.

(They each pull, it breaks. FDR won)

KRAMER: Oh, man! All right, come on. There's got to be something that'll change your mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up a cooler, and puts it on the table) What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's room in India]

Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA"

(Elaine is obviously drunk)

ELAINE: George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird.

JERRY: How did he find out?

ELAINE: He schnapped me.

JERRY: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else?

ELAINE: I can't tell you.

JERRY: (Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this.

ELAINE: Okay. (Takes a drink and wave Jerry to lean in) I slept with the groom.

JERRY: Pinter?

ELAINE: He used to be called Peter.

JERRY: (Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that?

ELAINE: Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.

(Elaine climbs on to the sofa-- on her knees, head into the side of the couch cushion, her butt in the air towards Jerry)

JERRY: Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.

(Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back)

ELAINE: Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?

JERRY: (Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what?

ELAINE: (Between laughs) Jugdish.

JERRY: Yes, Jugdish.

ELAINE: Hey, what if I got my, nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! (sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor)

JERRY: (Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night.

(Jerry shuts the door. Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door... Sticking her fingers through the blinds - waving at him)

ELAINE: G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's room, India]

Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"

(Jerry hands Elaine a glass of Schnapps)

JERRY: Bless you.

ELAINE: Thank you...aah, hm mm.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's room, India]

Notice: "THREE SECONDS EARLIER"

(Jerry's pouring Elaine a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: New York park]

Notice: "TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK"

(Kramer walks up to the hot-dog vender, FDR)

KRAMER: ah, Hello FDR. Yeah, I’ll have a hot one, (pulls out some cash and slaps down a bill on the stand) everything on it.

FDR: These things’ll kill ya... but so what...(squirts mustard on the hot dog)You’re already gonna drop dead (grins)

KRAMER: Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night, and I wished, against your wish.

FDR: That's funny. As it happens, I saw the same shooting star and double-wished you, to drop dead. (clicks out some coins from his changer and hands them to Kramer) Here's your change.

(Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain)

KRAMER: Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!

FDR: (Throwing four coins into the fountain) Then I'm quadruple-wishing!

KRAMER: Alright.. How do you like this? (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ya!

Blows it away).

FDR: I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away)

KRAMER: (Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away)

FDR: (Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away)

(Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Indian Airport]

Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER - INDIA"

(Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are all at the airport -- the sounds of airplanes flying over head, an Indian announcer on the PA system)

ELAINE: Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What is that smell?

JERRY: (Joking around) I think it's the stench of death.

NINA: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?

GEORGE: No (snorts - Laughing nervously)... I'm gonna wear black shoes.

ELAINE: (Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends!

JERRY: (Giddy) This is gonna be great!

SUE ELLEN: (Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!

ELAINE: (Confused by her reaction) You are?

SUE ELLEN: Well, of course! No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.

ELAINE: Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall... we hate each other!

SUE ELLEN: Elaine, I know. I know we've had our problems, but.. I want you to be my maid of honor - and my best friend.

ELAINE: (Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess.

SUE ELLEN: Uh, this is my fiancé, Pinter. (To Pinter) Say hello.

PINTER: (Walking up to them) Hello.

ELAINE: (Recognizing him) Peter?

SUE ELLEN: Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want to use the bathroom?

GEORGE: (Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves)

JERRY: Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strange the whole flight?

ELAINE: (Acting equally strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I..

JERRY: (Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps.

ELAINE: Ooohh.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry/Kramer's apartment building]

Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK"

(Kramer is on the roof of his apartment building looking up at the stars)

KRAMER: Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!!

MAN: (Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there!

KRAMER: You shut up!

MAN: Aw, drop dead!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Airplane]

Notice: "FIVE HOURS EARLIER - SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NEW YORK & INDIA"

(Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are on the plane - India-bound. George walks up to Jerry's seat)

GEORGE: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?

JERRY: Coach to India - The only way to go.

GEORGE: (Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!

JERRY: You all right?

GEORGE: Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl, Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend -- with whom there are no secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade.

JERRY: (Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade?

GEORGE: (Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here!

(Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine)

NINA: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did ya?

ELAINE: Oh please.. It's in the vault.

(Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from the front of the plane)

GEORGE: Ho, ha, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The airplane]

Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"

ELAINE: Hey, what time is it? (she looks up and asks as Jerry walks in the aisle)

JERRY: You just asked me two minutes ago.

[Setting: The airplane]

Notice: "TWO MINUTES AGO"

ELAINE: Hey, what time is it?

JERRY: Ah, I’m not wearing a watch.

ELAINE: Oh (quietly). Is this tooth chipped? (pointing to a tooth)

JERRY: Yeah. How’d ya do that?

ELAINE: I have no idea.

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"

(Elaine and George are at Monks. Elaine is drunk)

ELAINE: Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth. She is effected by that last drink:) Oh.. God..

GEORGE: So, Jerry and Nina, huh?

ELAINE: Oh, Mm mm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell you, any - more - things. (points at George)

GEORGE: You already told me everything.

ELAINE: Okey-dokey.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"

KRAMER: I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to give my your birthday wish. And now you've wasted it!

NEWMAN: (With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I?

WOMAN: Newman, I'm bored.

NEWMAN: Aww..

KRAMER: Does your girlfriend have to be here?

NEWMAN: (Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?

JERRY: (Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George.

KRAMER: Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am I gonna do about FDR?

WOMAN: Why don't you just make another wish?

KRAMER: And how am I gonna do that, Toots?

WOMAN: What about a shooting star?

KRAMER: (Interested) That's perfect.

NEWMAN: (Kissing the woman) Beauty .. and brains. (they nuzzle noses)

JERRY: (Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya?

NEWMAN (quietly) Humh. (sits up, a bit indignant)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER"

ELAINE: Here’s your plane ticket.

JERRY: What are you talking about.

ELAINE: Sue Ellen sends me an invitation, one week before her wedding in India. Tst, I’ll show her...

JERRY: By flying half way around the world?

ELAINE: Spite Never sleeps (doing a little dance as she says it

JERRY: Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo. (Bosnia Herzegovina)

(George enters Jerry's apartment)

GEORGE: Hey.

ELAINE: (Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with us tomorrow.

GEORGE: For how long?

ELAINE: Three days.

GEORGE: Great. Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the BEST TIME with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. (Hugs Jerry) A great, great friend.

(Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway)

JERRY: (Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey - Hey Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on in!

KRAMER: (Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.

ELAINE: You want to go to India?

KRAMER: I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead.

(Kramer turns to go out, then decides to get something from Jerry’s refrigerator)

GEORGE: Great! (snaps fingers and grabs the extra plane ticket) Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.

(As Kramer is walking out of the apartment)

JERRY: H-Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.

KRAMER: I'm goin' to Newman's!

JERRY: Great, I love Newman! (Eagerly following Kramer)

GEORGE: (Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?

ELAINE: Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina.

GEORGE: Why do you keep saying Nina?

ELAINE: I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite.

GEORGE: Uhh.. I'll- I'll meet you down there.

(Elaine leaves. George instantly goes looking through Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal.. (Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps. (exits)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: NYC Street]

Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"

KRAMER: (Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the movie.

(Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car. He stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer)

NEWMAN: (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

WOMAN: I could listen to you talk about mail all day.

KRAMER: Anything you wish. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away)

KRAMER: Wish?! Newman!

(Kramer runs off after Newman -- then runs back to the porta potty and bangs on it)

KRAMER: Lomez, I’m Leavin’

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"

(It's Newman's birthday party. His house is full of Postal co-workers)

ALL: (Singing to Newman) ..And you smell like one, too. (laughing and clapping)

POSTMAN: Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get back to work in three hours!

(Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes in)

KRAMER: Newman, wait!

NEWMAN: (Stands up and Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me!

NEWMAN: I did invite you. Your invitation must've gotten ... lost in the mail.

(All postal workers burst out with laughter)

KRAMER: Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR.

NEWMAN: Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true.

KRAMER: Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh?

NEWMAN: (Negotiating) Your next, fifty wishes.

KRAMER: Forty-eight.

NEWMAN: Fourty-nine.

KRAMER: Done!

NEWMAN AND KRAMER: (Together) Sucker..

(Newman picks up a magazine as he sits back down to his cake -- where his co-workers are about to slice it up)

NEWMAN: Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my wish yet..

(Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he looks at the VOGUE magazine -- on the Nov. cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows out the candles)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Well, Ahh, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: I talked with the groom's parents..

JERRY: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..

ELAINE: ... And it's so obvious that they don't want..

JERRY: Uh-huh..

ELAINE: ... me to go.

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: So, the only reason ...

JERRY: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: ... she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

NINA: (From Jerry's room) Jerry?

JERRY: (To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get some coffee.

(Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine)

NINA: Oh. Hi.

ELAINE: Hi.

NINA: (Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should... um...

JERRY: Sure.

NINA: Yeah.

ELAINE: Bye-bye.

NINA: Bye. (Leaves)

ELAINE: (Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there?

JERRY: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before.

ELAINE: You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George?

JERRY: Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him.

ELAINE: Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault.

JERRY: No good. Too many people know the combination.

ELAINE: (Confused) What combination?

(Jerry makes the "drinky-drinky" sign with his hands)

ELAINE: Don't be ridiculous.

(Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers)

JERRY: Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops!

ELAINE: So what?

JERRY: And milk.

Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"

(Kramer is in Jerry's kitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter)

KRAMER: Oh, geez..

JERRY: (From outside the apartment) Hello?

(Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with his arm)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Pinter's parent's house - Elaine visiting]

Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"

ELAINE: Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?

ZUBIN: Please, call us Usha and Zubin.

ELAINE: Oh. Well, Usha.

ZUBIN: I'm Zubin.

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke.

USHA: You're not going to the wedding, are you?

ELAINE: Well ...

USHA: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.

ZUBIN: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? (laughing as he says the line) I mean, the plague! Please!

USHA: Here's the registry. Send her a gift, and be glad you did not have to go.

ELAINE: (Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I understand.

ZUBIN: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.

ELAINE: (Leaving) That's fantastic.

ZUBIN: And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan, either.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"

(Jerry and Nina are in the kitchen)

NINA: Oh, you were going to tell me all about George.

JERRY: Ah, just remember when you see him tomorrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him.

NINA: Really?

JERRY: Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you.

NINA: I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation.

JERRY: I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around..

NINA: Heh.. yeah.

JERRY: Probably the reason..

(They both stare at each other, then, Jerry clears of the counter with the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they start going at it)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: FDR's apartment building]

Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"

(Kramer is standing outside FDR's door, talking to FDR. He is finishing what was once a large lollipop)

FDR: Are - are you dense? I said I wanted you to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams the door in Kramer's face Note: FDR’s Apt. #548)

KRAMER: (Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..

Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"

(At Jerry's apartment. Jerry's at his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly bigger)

JERRY: Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead.

KRAMER: But you haven't seen..

JERRY: Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer)

KRAMER: Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's)

Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"

(FDR's apartment. Kramer and FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course, is larger than the scene before)

FDR: That's right. My birthday wish was that you drop dead.

KRAMER: Well, why?

FDR: (Sinister) I have my reasons.

KRAMER: Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true.

FDR: That's just a silly superstition. (Slams his door on Kramer)

Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"

(Kramer comes into Jerry's apartment with a huge lollipop)

KRAMER: Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.

GEORGE: FDR?

KRAMER: (To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..

GEORGE: (Guessing the look) Stink eye?

JERRY: (Also guessing) Crook eye?

KRAMER: EVIL, eye.

JERRY: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.

GEORGE: Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"

JERRY: Everyday is my birthday. (Sarcastically joking off what George said)

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's bad mojo.

(Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer)

ELAINE: Hi.

(Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves)

ELAINE: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. Invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.

JERRY: (Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.

ELAINE: Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today.

JERRY: So you think it's a non-vite?

ELAINE: It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) Hey, are you gettin' taller?

GEORGE: Timberlands. (Showing Elaine his boots)

ELAINE: Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat..

JERRY: Ah, it's probably like Smith over there.

GEORGE: Jerry, would you make the call already?

ELAINE: What call?

JERRY: He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal.

ELAINE: (Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter toward Jerry) The one you think can replace me?

(Jerry picks up the phone, dialing Nina)

JERRY: I was kidding when I said that!

GEORGE: (To Elaine) Told me the same thing.

JERRY: (On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.

GEORGE: You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.

JERRY: (To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh?

GEORGE: (Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"

(George is ordering his meal)

GEORGE: I'll have the Clams Casino.

JERRY: Get outta here.

GEORGE: (Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends"

JERRY: Hmm..

GEORGE: (Motioning toward waitress) I think she likes me.

JERRY: Sure.

GEORGE: So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?

JERRY: Are you?

GEORGE: Well, what's the reason?

JERRY: We were too compatible Our conversations were so engrossing.

GEORGE: How engrossing?

JERRY: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.

GEORGE: Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? heh he he he he he...

(Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling)

JERRY: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses... I need an awkward pause.

GEORGE: I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wear them every time I see her.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: In any other shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!

JERRY: So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?

GEORGE: In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his Clams Casino) Hm.. tastes a little funky.

JERRY: Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: FDR's apartment]

Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"

(A group of people are singing to FDR)

ALL: ..to you!

MAN: Come on, make a wish! Make a wish!

KRAMER: Yeah!

(FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles)

ALL: Heyyy, yeahhhh (Clapping).

(FDR leans back, crosses arms and gives Kramer the same look. Kramer reacts nervously)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: NYC Street]

Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"

(Jerry and George are walking down the street. The opening credits start to show)

GEORGE: Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.

JERRY: Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?

GEORGE: Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: Five' eight. Five' seven.

(Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend)

NINA: Jerry?

JERRY: Nina?

NINA: Hi.

JERRY: It's been years!

NINA: Yeah!

JERRY: (Introducing the two) George, this is Nina.

GEORGE: Nice to meet you.

NINA: Nice to meet you, too.

(Nina smiles as she shakes his hand. George raises his eyebrow)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's apartment building]

Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER"

(Elaine's at her mailbox)

ELAINE: (Reading an invitation) India? Tst, Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India..

(Scene ends)

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

Notice: "TWO YEARS EARLIER"

(Jerry is sitting at a booth with Nina)

NINA: And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone!

JERRY: (Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!

NINA: Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)

JERRY: Ah.

NINA: It's great talkin'

JERRY: Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail?

(George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry)

GEORGE: How as the date?

JERRY: Pretty good. I think she might be the one.

SUSAN: No.

GEORGE: Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries.

SUSAN: Ah, George.

GEORGE: (clearing his throat, he changes his order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato.

SUSAN: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: Sorry.

SUSAN: Yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.

(Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball)

KRAMER: Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it)

JERRY: What are you bringing snowballs in here for?

KRAMER: Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard ... and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (FDR is at the cash register, pays and leaves Monk’s) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)

(Elaine and Pinter [Peter] enter Monk's, and are greeted)

JERRY: Hi, Elaine.

GEORGE: Hey!

ELAINE: (Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay, Peter?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's new apartment]

Notice: "ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER"

(Jerry, carrying a box, is moving in to his apartment for the first time. He meets his across-the-hall neighbor, Kramer)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, how you doing?

JERRY: Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler.

KRAMER: Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.

JERRY: Oh.

KRAMER: Uh, you need any help, or..?

JERRY: No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?

KRAMER: Ah, no, no, no. I-I couldn't impose.

JERRY: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)

KRAMER: (quietly) Ohh (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?

END OF SHOW.

Just a side note -- “Sorry” vs “Sari” or “Saree”

The expression "You can stuff your sorries in a sack" is used throughout this episode (mainly by George, but also by Susan -- obviously Susan means it as "sorry's" -- You can stuff your sorry's in a sack"

Since the episode also revolves around the trip to India, perhaps the writers of the episode are using the word “Sorry” and the Indian term “Sari” or “Saree” in a play on words -- A pun perhaps

The definition of “Sari” or “Saree” is:

Sari / Saree: A long piece of cotton or silk cloth, constituting the principal garment of Hindu women, worn round the waist, one end falling to the feet, and the other crossed over the bosom and shoulder, and sometimes over the head.

As they are in India, this would make sense, because you could literally "stuff your Sarees in a sack" -- so it is a play on words. Otherwise George would be saying "You can stuff your “Sorry's” in a sack" Like you have a sack stuffed full of "apologys."

I think it's something to consider.

S9E9 - The Apology

Broadcast date: December 11, 1997

Written by Jennifer Crittenden

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

James Spader ....................... Jason Hanke

Megan Cole ......................... Peggy

Kathleen McClellan .............. Melissa

Jack Hackett ........................ Alan

Michael Fishman .................. Gregg

David Dunard ..................... Leader

Wayne Wilderson ............... Walter

Brian Levinson .................... Andy

Eric Simonson ...................... Friend

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

rc:  Patrick Warburton ........ David Puddy

==================================================================

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done) Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.

MELISSA: (appearing in the kitchen stark naked) Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.

JERRY: (looking at her) How about that.

MELISSA: (eating the waffles) Mmm-hmm.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: She ate breakfast naked?

JERRY: She didn't even want a napkin.

GEORGE: I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene.

GEORGE: It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?

JERRY: I don't really have enough room.

GEORGE: (seeing Elaine and Puddy come into Monk's) Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.

ELAINE: Hey!

PUDDY: Hi.

JERRY: Hey.

PUDDY: (heading towards the bathroom) I got to make a pit stop.

ELAINE: (sitting down in the booth) 'Kay.

JERRY: Back together?

ELAINE: His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot.

JERRY: Ah...

ELAINE: So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke.

GEORGE: 'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?

ELAINE: He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago.

JERRY: Why now?

ELAINE: A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine is you have to apologize to anyone you've ever wronged.

GEORGE: Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.

JERRY: Still with the neck hole?

GEORGE: Still upset. Very upset.

ELAINE: What neck hole?

GEORGE: Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years ago? He had that very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.

Elaine, becoming board: Faster.

GEORGE: I asked if I could borrow a sweater.

JERRY: A cashmere sweater.

GEORGE: I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front of the whole party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.'

ELAINE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did!

ELAINE: Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck?

JERRY: No, I think the head does most of the stretching.

GEORGE: Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.

ELAINE: I really think it's the size of your neck.

GEORGE: It's my head!

ELAINE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Peterman's-Bathroom]

ELAINE: Hey.

PEGGY: Hey.

ELAINE: Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom.

PEGGY: (somewhat sarcastically) Yeah. Great.

(Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the toilet)

[Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.

JERRY: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

KRAMER: Showering. How long does it take you?

JERRY: Ten minutes.

KRAMER: (seeing Elaine come into Jerry's apartment) Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?

ELAINE: Ten minutes.

KRAMER: Let me smell you.

ELAINE: All right. Whiff away.

KRAMER: (after delicately sniffing Elaine) Uh... that's not bad at all.

ELAINE: (holding Kramer off from getting another whiff) Hup! That's it.

KRAMER: (backing off) OK.

ELAINE: So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector.

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?

JERRY: (seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done. (interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the soda) All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.

ELAINE: (eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda) Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.

JERRY: Mmm.

KRAMER: Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus!

[Jerry's Apartment-later]

JERRY: (playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend) Zephyr? That is not a word.

MELISSA: Do you challenge?

JERRY: No, I do not challenge.

MELISSA: 66 points. Ha ha.

JERRY: I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles.

MELISSA: You want some more ice tea?

JERRY: Sure.

MELISSA: (coughing loudly, while Jerry's expression turns to disgust) Wrong pipe.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: So she coughed.

JERRY: Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man.

GEORGE: Everything goes with naked.

JERRY: When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

GEORGE: Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?

JERRY: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke.

GEORGE: All right. It's grovel time.

HANKE: Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober, so I've been going through the Twelve Steps.

GEORGE: What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?

HANKE: Yeah. Making amends.

GEORGE: Important step. Maybe the most important.

HANKE: Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.

JERRY: Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it.

HANKE: (eyeing George, who's looking expectedly up at him) Great. Great. Well, I'll see you guys later.

[Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: (enters) Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.

JERRY: (pointing to Kramer's hair) You got some suds over here.

KRAMER: (noticing suds all over his clothes and body) Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong.

JERRY: Oh, come on!

KRAMER: No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!

JERRY: You promise you'll never come in here again?

KRAMER: (chuckling) Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.

JERRY: (standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another.

KRAMER: Well, that's how cats do it.

JERRY: But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.

KRAMER: OK. Let's turn the water on now.

JERRY: No, I told you, it's just a dry run.

GEORGE: (entering Jerry's bathroom) Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory.

JERRY: That's Step Ten?

GEORGE: All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a prayer, and he's done. Do you believe this?

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?

JERRY: You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.

KRAMER: Well, this has all been one big tease!

[Peterman Meeting]

ELAINE: (moving Peggy's water to make room for paper on the desk) These proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this will work.

PEGGY: (having seen Elaine touch her nearly full water bottle) I'm... gonna get another bottle of water.

WALTER: (taking a final swig from his own water bottle) Here, take mine. There's a little left.

PEGGY: (gulping down Walter's water) Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh!

[Monk's]

HANKE: (talking with two men in Monk's) Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice cream.

MAN #1: You get pretty buff forearms.

HANKE: I don't know if I'm into that.

GEORGE: (entering Monk's) Oh, hello, Hanke, others.

HANKE: George.

GEORGE: You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... I didn't get my apology.

HANKE: Apology? For what?

GEORGE: A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game giveaway Metlife windbreaker?

HANKE: George, come on, not that neck hole thing.

GEORGE: Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would say you're sorry.

HANKE: No way, you would've completely stretched it out.

GEORGE: You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! Step Nine.

HANKE: All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.

[YMCA]

KRAMER: (taking notes on showering men at the YMCA) Now see, that's smart. Constant motion. Wow.

MAN IN SHOWER: (seeing Kramer staring at the showering man) Hey!

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this guy's really showing me something!

KRAMER: (walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye) You got a steak?

JERRY: What happened to you?

KRAMER: Ah, people in this city are crazy.

JERRY: (giving him a steak from the fridge) Here ya go.

KRAMER: (applying the steak to his eye) Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Yeah, a different one.

JERRY: (closing the door on him) Oh!

KRAMER: Jerry!

[Jerry's Apartment]

MELISSA: (wheeling out Jerry's bicycle) OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.

JERRY: Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.

MELISSA: (crouching down next to the bike) I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.

JERRY: Please don't crouch.

MELISSA: Ouch! Caught my skin.

JERRY: Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.

MELISSA: You got anything to snack on?

JERRY: Uhh...

MELISSA: (grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it) Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.

JERRY: Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!

MELISSA: (finally opening the jar) Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.

JERRY: (leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much.

[Peggy's Office]

ELAINE: Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive?

PEGGY: You seem to be with a lot of men.

ELAINE: What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or there, but, wh-why is this your business?

PEGGY: It's not. Good day.

ELAINE: (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh. All right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Well, technically he did apologize.

GEORGE: Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain!

JERRY: So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology?

GEORGE: That's right. I'm two in the hole!

JERRY: Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.

GEORGE: Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked?

JERRY: Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?

GEORGE: Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: (going into the bathroom) Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!

JERRY: (answering the ringing phone) Hello?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!

JERRY: World War I plane?

KRAMER: No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.

JERRY: When are ya gettin' out?

KRAMER: I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.

[Peterman Meeting]

PETERMAN: Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.

ELAINE: Oh, please.

PETERMAN: She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense malaise.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right?

PETERMAN: I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed.

ELAINE: Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her mind, OK? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she's a wacko.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?

SPONSOR: Sponsor.

GEORGE: Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy.

SPONSOR: He's doing very well. He's already on to Step Ten.

GEORGE: Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you can go through them pretty quick. You can get through six a day.

SPONSOR: Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason?

GEORGE: I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.

SPONSOR: I'm not sure what you want me to do.

GEORGE: Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up! When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.

SPONSOR: You're quite upset, George.

GEORGE: Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two.

SPONSOR: Admit there's a higher power?

GEORGE: Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.

Sponer: You know George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?

GEORGE: All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. (giving the sponsor the 'be strong' hand clench) By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic, so...

[Kramer's Shower]

KRAMER: (on the phone in the shower) Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. Calm down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, I'll call ya back.

[Jerry's]

MELISSA: (naked on the couch) What are you doing?

JERRY: (naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here.

MELISSA: No, not that. Why are you naked?

JERRY: I thought naked is good.

MELISSA: (eyeing him) This isn't good naked.

[Rage-aholics Meeting]

SPONSER: George, here, have a seat.

GEORGE: (sitting down) Where's Hanke?

SPONSER: (motioning to the leader) Shhhhh.

LEADER: OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous.

GEORGE: What? Rate-aholics?

SPONSER: George, this can help you.

GEORGE: Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge.

LEADER: Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these meetings.

GEORGE: Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?!

LEADER: Please don't call me 'Pinhead'.

GEORGE: I'm losin' it!

[Monk's]

JERRY: He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?

GEORGE: Probably because this whole Universe is against me!

JERRY: You've got a little rage.

GEORGE: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!

JERRY: By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work.

GEORGE: This bread has nuts in it!

JERRY: (seeing Elaine enter Monk's) Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body?

ELAINE: Chicken wing shoulder blades.

JERRY: That's it?

ELAINE: No, but that's one problem. Why?

JERRY: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--

ELAINE: Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man.

GEORGE: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.

ELAINE: Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.

JERRY: So you don't think it's attractive?

ELAINE: It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian.

GEORGE: Well, some women like it.

ELAINE: Hmm. Sickies.

[Kramer in the Shower]

KRAMER: (in the shower, reading an instruction manual) Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage lot. Oh, come on, Clarkman.

PUDDY: (staring into space, picks up the phone) Puddy.

KRAMER: Is, uh, David Puddy there?

PUDDY: This is Puddy.

KRAMER: Well, this is Kramer.

PUDDY: I know.

KRAMER: Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal?

PUDDY: Well, it's a big job. You've got to dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line.

KRAMER: No. It says 'main line'.

PUDDY: It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman?

KRAMER: Yeah.

PUDDY: (seeing Elaine come in) Hey, man, I'll call you back. I'll talk you through it.

KRAMER: Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.

[Elaine's Apartment]

ELAINE: Hey, Puddy.

PUDDY: Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for a balloon bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him.

ELAINE: Balloon bouquet? For who?

PUDDY: Peggy took a turn for the worst.

ELAINE: Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me?

PUDDY: That's what he said.

ELAINE: I don't believe this woman.

PUDDY: Talk to me, Babe.

ELAINE: She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick.

PUDDY: Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's about.

ELAINE: Huh?

PUDDY: (showing her his necklace) I'm a recovering germ-o-phobe. Ten years.

ELAINE: What is this symbol?

PUDDY: It's a germ.

[Peggy's]

PEGGY: Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs.

PUDDY: Don't you? Elaine.

(Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy)

PEGGY: (flinching away) Please!

PUDDY: I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago waking up in bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the Phisohex.

PEGGY: Really?

PUDDY: I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slogs around in.

ELAINE: Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.

PUDDY: They're bacteria traps.

PEGGY: So you... just learned to live with it?

PUDDY: For the most part.

ELAINE: OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day.

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better?

MELISSA: This is nice.

JERRY: Yes, clothes. This is normal.

MELISSA: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go down...

(as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously naked, and stops paying attention)

MELISSA: Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me?

JERRY: Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.

MELISSA: I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow.

JERRY: Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a...

(as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly, 'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention)

[Kramer on the Phone with Jerry]

KRAMER: (in the shower, on the phone with Jerry) So you broke up?

JERRY: We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.

KRAMER: Hang on.

(Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub)

JERRY: So what are you up to?

KRAMER: Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses?

JERRY: Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.

KRAMER: No problem there.

[Baskin Robbins]

HANKE: George. Thanks for coming down to talk to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't very flexible. I just started yesterday.

GEORGE: Well, I'm here. What is it?

HANKE: Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought it over, and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve much better.

GEORGE: (ready to leave) Well, thank you.

HANKE: You're welcome.

KID: (entering the store) Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?

HANKE: Waffle or sugar cone?

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get into a big thing here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology.

HANKE: What?

KID: Can you get on that cone?

HANKE: Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what are you talking about?

GEORGE: Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', which is nice. It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.

KID: Is there anybody else here but you?

HANKE: I'm alone, and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I admitted I was wrong, so what more do you want from me?

GEORGE: I would like an apology.

HANKE: All right, look, you know--

KID #2: (entering the store) Did you try it?

KID: No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing.

HANKE: Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting with someone here, if you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.

GEORGE: Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I want! Now say it again, and tell it to me.

HANKE: I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? Can't find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What are you looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get out!

[Restaurant]

ELAINE: (eating dinner with Kramer, Elaine, and Puddy) Mmm. This food is fantastic, PEGGY: And what a pretty radish rose, huh?

KRAMER: Well, thank you.

ELAINE: Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, free.

(all four make toast)

KRAMER: Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.

(all four make another toast)

PEGGY: You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there.

ELAINE: This food was in the shower with you?

KRAMER: Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.

(Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch)

PUDDY: Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

[Germ-o-Phobe Meeting]

GEORGE: Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?

PUDDY: (waiting with Elaine and Peggy) No, germ-o-phobes.

GEORGE: Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?

ELAINE: Kramer.

GEORGE: Right.

[Rage-a-olic Meeting]

HANKE: (speaking in front of other Rage-aholics) Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a rage-aholic.

AUDIENCE: Hi, Jason.

HANKE: Uh, this is my first meeting.

GEORGE: Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips Step Nine!

HANKE: Please. Step Nine.

GEORGE: That's right! He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole of his sweater.

(audience laughs)

GEORGE: It wasn't funny.

HANKE: It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a v-neck.

GEORGE: He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it!

The End

S9E10 - The Strike

Broadcast date: December 18, 1997

Written by Dan O'Keefe & Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld .............................. Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander ......................... George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .................... Elaine Benes

Michael Richards ........................ Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Von Bargen ................... Kruger

Karen Fineman ......................... Gwen

Dave Florek ............................. Harry

Kevin Hamilton MacDonald ..... Denim Vest

Tracy Letts .............................. Counterguy

Amit Itelman ............................ Employee

Stacey Herring ......................... Sandy

Colin Malone ............................ Sleazy Guy

Jerry Dixon .............................. Customer

rc: Jerry Stiller .......................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris ....................... Estelle Costanza

rc:  Bryan Cranston .................. Dr. Tim Whatley

==================================================================

[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment]

ELAINE: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

JERRY: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.

(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)

TIM: Hey! Happy Chanukah!

JERRY: Hey, Tim. Great party.

(Tim holds up a mistletoe)

TIM: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) eh.

TIM: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)

TIM: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)

ELAINE: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.

GEORGE: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)

ELAINE: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.

JERRY: You have a standard fake?

ELAINE: Mm-hmm.

JERRY: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.

ELAINE: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)

DENIM VEST: Hi!

(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry.

WOMAN: Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.

(Scene cuts to Elaine)

ELAINE: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons

DENIM VEST: They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?

ELAINE: Why don't I give you my phone number?

[Setting: Coffee Shop]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?

GEORGE: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.

JERRY: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

GEORGE: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows."

JERRY: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?

GEORGE: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.

JERRY: See? You give, and you get.

GEORGE: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?

JERRY: Oh, that's nice.

GEORGE: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"

JERRY: To a children's charity!

GEORGE: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

JERRY: Hey.

(Waitress moves tward the table)

ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.

JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?

ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.

JERRY: What does that mean?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.

(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.

ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?

GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.

ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

GEORGE: (pleading) Alright..

JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?

(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so)

GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!

JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?

(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)

GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine is digging into her purse)

ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!

JERRY: No, you walk out.

ELAINE: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.

JERRY: No, you wait for the movie!

ELAINE: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.

JERRY: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.

KRAMER: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!

JERRY: So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?

ELAINE: That's a good idea.

(Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket)

KRAMER: (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.

JERRY: What strike?

KRAMER: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.

JERRY: You?

ELAINE: Worked?

JERRY: Bagels?

KRAMER: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.

ELAINE: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.

ELAINE: What were your.. demands?

KRAMER: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.

ELAINE: I believe that's the new minimum wage.

KRAMER: Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)

JERRY: Why didn't you ever mention this?

KRAMER: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)

[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Kramer walks through the door)

KRAMER: All right, everybody! I'm back!

MANAGER: Who are you?

KRAMER: Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.

MANAGER: Oh yeah! Kramer.

KRAMER: Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?

MANAGER: NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.

KRAMER: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..

MANAGER: I could use someone for the holidays..

KRAMER: Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?

MANAGER: Those are rasin bagels.

KRAMER: (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..

[Setting: Horse Track Betting]

(Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies)

ELAINE: So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.

BOOKIE: So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.

ELAINE: So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..

BOOKIE: (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.

(Co-Worker in the back speaks up)

CHARLIE: Elaine Benes?!

(Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing)

BOOKIE: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.

CHARLIE: (faintly) I'm a man.

ELAINE: Ohh.. my..

BOOKIE: I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)

ELAINE: My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.

[Setting: classy restaurant]

(Jerry and Tim Whatley meet)

TIM: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Tim.

TIM: What's up?

JERRY: Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.

TIM: Mazel Tov.

(Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive)

GWEN: Jerry.. hi.

JERRY: Gwen?

GWEN: Yeah.

JERRY: (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?

GWEN: Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.

(Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?

JERRY: Have you come across this?

GEORGE: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.

JERRY: (Relating) Like the Batman villain?

GEORGE: (Annoyed) If that helps you..

JERRY: So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly.

GEORGE: (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)

JERRY: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?

GEORGE: (With pride) Made it up.

JERRY: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."

GEORGE: What do you think?

JERRY: It has a certain understated stupidity.

GEORGE: (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!

JERRY: ..Yeah.

(Enter Kramer)

(He is holding a sack full of bagels)

KRAMER: Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!

JERRY: How was your first day?

KRAMER: Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.

(Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels)

JERRY: Your hands were in the dough?

KRAMER: No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.

(George spits his bagel out)

GEORGE: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)

JERRY: Happy Festivus!

KRAMER: What's Festivus?

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!

(Elaine enters while George is exiting)

ELAINE: Happy Festivus, Georgie.

(George leaves yelling out "God!")

KRAMER: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!

ELAINE: Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.

JERRY: You're still trying to gget that free sub?

ELAINE: Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.

JERRY: Is there a captain's hat involved in this?

ELAINE: Maybe.

[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?

KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

[Setting: Kruger Office Building]

(George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts)

GEORGE: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)

SANDY: (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)

(George passes an open doorway)

GEORGE: Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)

PHIL: Ow!

(George meets up with Kruger)

GEORGE: Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)

KRUGER: Not if you could see our books.. what's this?

GEORGE: The Human Fund.

KRUGER: Whatever. (Walks off)

GEORGE: Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!

[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus)

FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

KRAMER: Is there a tree?

FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

KRAMER: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.

FRANK: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)

ELAINE: Hello, Frank.

FRANK: Hello, woman. (leaves)

ELAINE: Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?

KRAMER: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.

MANAGER: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.

KRAMER: But it's Festivus.

MANAGER: What?

KRAMER: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..

MANAGER: That's not a right.

KRAMER: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!

ELAINE: No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.

KRAMER: What? You're siding with management?!

ELAINE: No, I just..

KRAMER: (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!

[Setting: Taxi Cab]

(Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state)

GWEN: Hey.

JERRY: Boy, am I glad to see you.

GWEN: You were expecting someone else?

JERRY: You never know.

GWEN: (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.

JERRY: So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?

(All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly)

GWEN: I can go either way.

JERRY: (Shocked) You're telling me.

[Setting: the Coffee Shop]

GEORGE: So, she was switching? Back and forth?

JERRY: Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.

GEORGE: So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.

JERRY: I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?

GEORGE: Lights out.

JERRY: Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.

GEORGE: (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!

JERRY: That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.

GEORGE: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.

JERRY: Oh, that's classy.

(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)

KRAMER: Well, Happy Festivus.

GEORGE: What is that? Is taht the pole?!

FRANK: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.

GEORGE: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.

KRAMER: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.

FRANK: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)

FRANK: Read that poem.

GEORGE: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!

FRANK: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!

ESTELLE: Leave him alone!

FRANK: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.

(George has a break down)

GEORGE: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!

FRANK: We had some good times.

(Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state)

GWEN: Hey.

JERRY: I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.

GWEN: Hi.

KRAMER: (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.

GWEN: So, you ready to go?

JERRY: Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth.

[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Kramer is picketing out side.)

KRAMER: Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)

(Cut to inside the store)

MANAGER: (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.

ELAINE: (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.

KRAMER: (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.

ELAINE: What did you do?

KRAMER: You've been warned.

(Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone)

ELAINE: Oh, hi! (Waves at him)

(Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs up)

WORKER: Hey, the steam valve's broke.

MANAGER: Can we still make bagels?

WORKER: Sure. It's just a little steamy.

(Kramer knocks on the shop door)

KRAMER: Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!

(No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see if anyone was affected)

[Setting: Kruger Building]

KRUGER: George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)

GEORGE: 20 thousand dollars?

KRUGER: Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.

[Setting: Coffee Shop]

GWEN: Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?

JERRY: Why? It's our place.

GWEN: I just found a rubber band in my soup.

JERRY: Oh.. I know who's cooking today!

(Enter George)

GEORGE: Hey! Surprise, surprise!

JERRY: Hey, Georgie!

GWEN: I think I'm just gonna go.

JERRY: I'll be here.

(Gwen leaves)

GEORGE: (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.

JERRY: She didn't touch it.

(George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band)

GEORGE: Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)

JERRY: 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.

GEORGE: I don't know.

JERRY: Excuse me?

GEORGE: I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.

JERRY: You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.

GEORGE: I'm serious.

JERRY: You're going to start your own charity?

GEORGE: I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..

[Setting: Outside H&H Bagels]

(Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out, her make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the steam)

ELAINE: Kramer, the vest just called.

KRAMER: (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.

KRAMER: And?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state)

GWEN: Kramer, Hi!

KRAMER: Oh, hello.

GWEN: It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop.

KRAMER: Ah-huh.

GWEN: I'm dating your friend, Jerry..

KRAMER: Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.

GWEN: That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught.

KRAMER: Oh, he's a tomcat.

(Cut to Elaine)

(She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner)

ELAINE: Steve.

DENIM VEST: Hmm?

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

DENIM VEST: From Tim Whatley's party?

ELAINE: Yeah.

DENIM VEST: You look.. different.

ELAINE: I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?

DENIM VEST: Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something.

ELAINE: No, no, no. You give me your number.

DENIM VEST: Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps?

ELAINE: No.

DENIM VEST: Typhoid?

ELAINE: No.

DENIM VEST: (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama!

(Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number on a nearby truck)

ELAINE: A fake number! Blimey!

[Setting: Kruger's office]

KRUGER: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.

GEORGE: Well, there could be.

KRUGER: But there isn't.

GEORGE: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)

KRUGER: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.

GEORGE: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.

KRUGER: Vemonous?

GEORGE: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!

KRUGER: Are you making all this up, too?

GEORGE: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.

KRUGER: Yeah, you probably should.

[Setting: The Costanza's house]

GEORGE: Happy Festivus!

FRANK: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?

GEORGE: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.

FRANK: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?

GEORGE: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.

FRANK: He's gonna see it.

(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)

GEORGE: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!

ELAINE: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?

GEORGE: Embracing my roots.

JERRY: They nailed you on the 20 G's?

GEORGE: Busted cold.

(Cut to Kruger and Frank)

(They're looking at the Festivus pole)

FRANK: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

KRUGER: I find your belief system fascinating.

(Enter Kramer)

(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)

KRAMER: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!

BOOKIE: Hello again, Miss Benes.

ELAINE: What are you doing here?

BOOKIE: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..

KRAMER: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!

(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it)

ESTELLE: Dinner's ready!

FRANK: Let's begin.

(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGER: Dr.. Van Nostrand?

KRAMER: Uh.. that's right.

(Cut to Frank)

FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!

GEORGE: Oh, God.

FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.

(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in)

GWEN: Jerry!

JERRY: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?

GWEN: Kramer told me.

KRAMER: Another Festivus miracle!

(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine)

GWEN: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.

ELAINE: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.

(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)

JERRY: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.

ELAINE: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?

BOOKIE: He had to be shot.

FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.

GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..

FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.

KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.

JERRY: I thought you were on strike?

KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.

GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?

(Exit Kramer)

KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?

FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!

GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!

FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!

(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)

ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.

FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!

GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!

FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!

[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls into the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting it from the dough. The manger is watching)

MANAGER: Alright. That's enough. You're fired.

KRAMER: Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)

The End

S9E11 - The Dealership

Broadcast date: January 8, 1998

Written by Steve Koren

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Hagen ........................ Rick

Joel McCrary ......................... Don

Michael Kagan ...................... Willie

Dee Freeman ........................ Service Assistant

Rif Hutton ............................. Salesman

Howard Mann ...................... Willie Sr.

Steve Susskind ...................... Customer #1

Loretta Fox ........................... Customer #2

Catherine Schreiber ............... Saleswoman

Unknown .............................. Cab Driver (uncredited)

rc:  Patrick Warburton .......... David Puddy

==================================================================

[Setting: A car dealership]

(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)

GEORGE: When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?

JERRY: Yeah, they have been promising that for a while..

GEORGE: Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner.

JERRY: I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.

GEORGE: No. That's just electric.

JERRY: What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one.

GEORGE: (Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

JERRY: Well, what do you think the big holdup is?

GEORGE: The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.

JERRY: Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities?

GEORGE: And the underwater bubble cities?

JERRY: It's like we're living in the '50s here.

(Kramer is bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the cars for sale)

KRAMER: It's good suspension!

JERRY: (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab)

GEORGE: Shhh… What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here.

JERRY: (Gestures to his forehead) You’re getting that vein again.

GEORGE: I'm starving. We should have had lunch first..

JERRY: (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.

GEORGE: Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic.

JERRY: I guess he graduated.

GEORGE: There's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face.

(Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn)

JERRY: (To Kramer) Thank you.

GEORGE: Puddy’s just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) You’ll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you’re on your back like a turtle.

JERRY: All right. Calm down.

GEORGE: My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I’m gettin’ dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shoutin’ at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Let’s stuff Le George in Le Locker!"

(Kramer is now on his back, under a car)

KRAMER: Jerry, I don’t think this thing is hooked up right.

(Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings)

JERRY: (To Kramer) All right, we’re goin’ in.

(A salesman walks up to Kramer. He’s still under the car)

SALESMAN: You’ve got a good eye, there. I see you’ve noticed the uni-body construction. I’m Rick. Are you looking to buy or to lease?

(Kramer emerges from under the car)

KRAMER: Uh, borrow. It’s for my friend. Yeah, he’ll be buying..

RICK: Maybe I should talk to him.

KRAMER: Oh, I don’t think so. No, he’s an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That’s where I come in.

RICK: I see. So, you’re his manag-

(Kramer hops into the car)

KRAMER: Yeah, neighbor. That’s right. Yeah, why don’t we take this boiler out for a shakedown huh?

[Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry and George are waiting for a salesman to assist them]

GEORGE: Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I’ll walk out of here right now!"

(A salesman approaches)

SALESMAN: Can I help you with something?

GEORGE: (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we’re walkin’!

JERRY: (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we’re just waiting for David Puddy.

GEORGE: (Still with a tone) He is. You don’t know what I’m doin’ here.

(Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

PUDDY: Sorry I’m late.

ELAINE: (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.

JERRY: Ah. Where’d you go?

ELAINE: (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.

PUDDY: Arby’s.

ELAINE: I had the roast beef…

JERRY: So, Puddy, I decided I’m gonna go with another 900 convertible.

PUDDY: All right. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five.

ELAINE: (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is?

PUDDY: Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there.

ELAINE: Oh. (Leaves for the room)

PUDDY: (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. I’ll show you the 900.

GEORGE: (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900.

[Scene cuts to Kramer. He’s in the car with the salesman, Rick, and they’re driving an unknown street]

RICK: … And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: Anti-lock brakes, automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make a right at this corner, please. (Goes back to the features) An adjustable steering wheel, and… Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..

KRAMER: No, no, no, I didn’t.

RICK: Well, that’s okay. (Pointing) We’ll make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership.

KRAMER: (Up to something) Well, it’s a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I’m gonna recommend this car, I need to see that it’ll handle my daily routine.

RICK: Well where are we going?

KRAMER: Just a little place I like to call, "You’ll see".

[Setting: Puddy’s office]

(George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy)

GEORGE: I’m starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up?

PUDDY: (Pointing out his office door) By the service department.

GEORGE: (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.

JERRY: (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George.

GEORGE: Don’t think it can’t happen! (Leaves)

JERRY: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".

PUDDY: I don’t care for that term.

JERRY: Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know..

PUDDY: No, I don’t know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.

JERRY: I saw one once that could do sign language.

PUDDY: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.

JERRY: Yeah, Koko.

PUDDY: Right, Koko. That chimp’s all right. (Holds up his hand) High-five.

(Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy)

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! What’s goin’ on here? (To Jerry) You didn’t agree to anything, did ya?

JERRY: No. We both just saw the same monkey.

GEORGE: (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. Heh!

PUDDY: (Standing up) Well, there’s a vending machine. I could show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way)

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.

JERRY: (Getting a dollar out) Where’s your money?

GEORGE: (Talking it) I’m here helpin’ you.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey. Where’s Puddy? The copy machine is broken.

GEORGE: (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That’s what they want you to think.

JERRY: Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?

ELAINE: (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring?

JERRY: No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.

ELAINE: (Shrugging) I thought all guys do that.

JERRY: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - they’re doing sign language now.

ELAINE: It’s that bad?

JERRY: What do you think the Nazis were doin’? (Imitates the Nazi’s salute) That was the heil-five.

ELAINE: (Pointing out) Isn’t that from your act, like, ten years ago?

JERRY: (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the ‘80’s, and it’s still relatable today.

(Puddy approaches them)

PUDDY: Good news. We got a 900 in black. That’s the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.

(Elaine and Jerry exchange looks)

ELAINE: Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? Come.

(Elaine takes Puddy’s arm, leading him to the room)

PUDDY: (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.

[Setting: Dealership back room]

(George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine glass)

GEORGE: Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.

(George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful)

GEORGE: Ah, come on!

(A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use it. The machine readily accepts the mechanic’s dollar)

GEORGE: Ah, excuse me. Do you have, uh, change of a dollar?

MECHANIC: (While retrieving his candy) No.

GEORGE: Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar?

MECHANIC: (While walking away) Don’t have one.

GEORGE: (Stopping him) Ah, excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I - I glanced inside, and I couldn’t help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills.

MECHANIC: (Calm) You’re incorrect.

GEORGE: (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I’m very hungry.

MECHANIC: (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier.

GEORGE: (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! You’re all doin’ a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, ho. What I would do with you..

[Setting: Dealership car]

(Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed Tweety bird)

RICK: Uh, Mr. Kramer, we’re really not allowed to use the cars to run errands.

KRAMER: Now look, Rick. I’m very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Let’s see if I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It’s the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geez…

[Setting: Dealership back room]

(Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach, reaching under the vending machine for change)

JERRY: (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there.

GEORGE: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they’re too lazy to pick it up.

JERRY: Either that, or they’ve got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why don’t you just go to the cashier?

(George gets up)

GEORGE: The cashier is at lunch - which is where I’d like to be.

JERRY: How much was under there?

GEORGE: (Looking at his finger) I think somethin’ bit me. I just need another nickel.

JERRY: (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel)

GEORGE: Ho, ho, ho! He’s got a live one. He’s just reeling his big fish in!

JERRY: Hey, can I have my dollar back?

GEORGE: (Stingy) It’s wrinkled. It’s worthless.

(Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts the money into the machine)

GEORGE: (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! Jump!

(A man holding a donut walks past George)

MAN: They just put out some more donuts.

GEORGE: They did?

MAN: (Holding his up) Last one.

[Setting: Dealership car]

(Kramer’s still on the road with Rick)

KRAMER: Well, just one more errand and we can head back.

RICK: Actually, it looks like we’re gonna need some gas.

KRAMER: Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now?

RICK: (Looking) Well, it’s on "E".

KRAMER: You know, Rick, oftentimes, Jerry - he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I don’t want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.

RICK: (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive your friend’s car for free.

KRAMER: (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways.

[Setting: Dealership back room]

(George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine)

GEORGE: As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, it’s gone. Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) What?! That guy’s eatin’ it!

SALESMAN: Well, how do you know that one’s yours?

GEORGE: Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He must’ve bought one, and gotten both.

SALESMAN: Sir, are you gonna buy a car?

GEORGE: No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the door’s window) Hey! Hey! I see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!

[Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He’s trying to fix the Xerox machine]

PUDDY: Paper jam.. Got it!

ELAINE: Yay!

PUDDY: (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side.

ELAINE: David, um, I..

PUDDY: (Still holding out his hand) Don’t leave me hangin’.

ELAINE: You’re a salesman now - and the high-five is… it’s very “grease monkey.”

PUDDY: What did I tell you about that?

ELAINE: Ah, I, I’m sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.

PUDDY: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I’ll tell you what’s stupid. You. Stupid.

ELAINE: (Sarcastically) Oh, that is really mature.

PUDDY: Yeah? So are you. You’re the grease monkey.

ELAINE: (Confused at David’s attempts at a comeback) Uh… that doesn’t make any sense. I am leaving.

PUDDY: Yeah, if you leave, we’re through.

ELAINE: Fine! We’re through!

PUDDY: Oh, so you’re leaving?

ELAINE: (While leaving) That’s right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin’ me to Arby’s…

JERRY: (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you…?

(She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed)

PUDDY: Let’s finish this up.

JERRY: Did you two break up?

PUDDY: (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chick’s whacked. We’re history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things: uh, rust-proofing…

JERRY: "Rust-proofing"?

PUDDY: (Reading off what he’s adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder’s fee…

JERRY: "Finder’s fee"? It was on the lot!

PUDDY: Yeah, that’s right. (Continues reading off) Uh, floor mats, keys…

JERRY: “Keys”?!

PUDDY: How ya gonna start it?

[Setting: Dealership’s shop]

(George catches up with the portly mechanic)

GEORGE: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.

MECHANIC: First of all, it wasn’t a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.

GEORGE: Huh. You must think I’m pretty stupid. (The mechanic shoots him a look as if he cleary does think he’s stupid) That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.

MECHANIC: It’s uh, it’s just a little nougat.

GEORGE: Nougat? Please. I think I’ve reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So let’s not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.

MECHANIC: (Pointing to George’s forehead) You know, you’re gettin’ a little vein there..

GEORGE: (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I can’t believe this guy..

(Jerry rushes in with a box of candy)

JERRY: Hey, George!

GEORGE: Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)

JERRY: No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, he’s treatin’ me just like a regular customer, now!

GEORGE: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There’s no laws in this place. Anything goes! It’s Thunderdome!

(A saleswoman approaches them)

SALESWOMAN: Is someone helping you?

GEORGE: Stay back! (Runs out of the room, pushing Jerry out ahead of him)

[Setting: Dealership car]

RICK: (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now?

KRAMER: There’s still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E".

RICK: How low are you gonna go?

KRAMER: Oh, I’ve been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You’ll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) put it out of your mind.

RICK: Have you ever been completely below the slash?

KRAMER: Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don’t know who did it, and I never got to thank them..

RICK: (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road!

(Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place)

KRAMER: Whoop! Whoop!

[Setting: Puddy’s office]

(Jerry and George are in conference)

JERRY: (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard… ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.

GEORGE: All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!

JERRY: George! Can we focus on the car, here?

GEORGE: I’m starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

PUDDY: (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and we’ll get you that yellow car ready to go.

JERRY: Yellow? I wanted black.

PUDDY: I can’t give you black at that price.

JERRY: (Pleading) George, would you help me, please?

GEORGE: (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!

JERRY: Sing it, sister!

GEORGE: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch…

JERRY: (Exasperated) Oh, God…

GEORGE: (Losing it) …does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or… Lem is not gonna get away with this!

(Jerry follows George out the office)

JERRY: (To Puddy) I’ll be right back.

PUDDY: Okay.

(Jerry catches up with George)

JERRY: Hey, George!

[Setting: Dealership car]

(The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it)

RICK: Is it just the angle I’m looking from?

KRAMER: No, Sir. We are down there.

RICK: Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I’ve never felt so alive!

KRAMER: All right, I’m satisfied. We better get some gas.

RICK: What? Well, we can’t stop now.

KRAMER: What do you mean?

RICK: We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan.

KRAMER: There was no plan.

RICK: Well, let’s make it the plan! Let’s just… go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.

KRAMER: What, they drove to a dealership?

RICK: No, they drove off a cliff.

(Kramer eyes Rick, frightened)

KRAMER: You are one sick mama… I like it.

RICK: Mr. Kramer, the road!

(Kramer swerves around again)

KRAMER: Yup! Yup!

[Setting: Elaine’s apartment]

(Phone rings, she answers it)

ELAINE: Hello?

JERRY: (Over the phone) Elaine, you’ve got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin’ me on this car, which is yellow now!

ELAINE: (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?

JERRY: (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine!

(Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise)

ELAINE: What?!

JERRY: You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal.

ELAINE: (Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.

JERRY: You’re gonna get back together, anyway. It’s thousands of dollars!

ELAINE: Oh, I don’t know..

JERRY: Come on. Then you don’t have to see him again ‘til my 15,000-mile check.

ELAINE: Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?

JERRY: Fine.

ELAINE: And I didn’t like that roast beef, so how ‘bout some lunch?

JERRY: No. No lunch.

ELAINE: I’ll hang this phone up right now!

JERRY: All right! Lunch!

ELAINE: I’ll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)

JERRY: Bye. (Hangs up)

JERRY: (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody’s ripping me off!

[Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window]

GEORGE: Yes, I’d like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.

WILLIE: When did you bring the car in?

GEORGE: (To the man behind him in line) Yeah, right… I’m gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don’t I just flush my money down the toilet?

WILLIE: Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?

GEORGE: One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar!

WILLIE: Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?

GEORGE: He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.

WILLIE: I thought you said it was a Twix.

GEORGE: Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.

WILLIE: Maybe it was.

GEORGE: Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.

WILLIE: What about the Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar?

GEORGE: No. Rice and caramel.

WILLIE: Nougat?

GEORGE: No.

WILLIE: Positive?

GEORGE: Please.

(A woman appears from behind the window)

WOMAN: You know they changed the name from Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar to Hundred-Grand?

GEORGE: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired!

(An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He’s Willie’s father)

WILLIE SR: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.

(The man behind George speaks up)

MAN: What’s the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?

GEORGE: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial!

WILLIE SR: Not Skittles.

WILLIE: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don’t talk.

WOMAN: (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all day?

WILLIE: He likes it!

GEORGE: All right, do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix?

MAN: (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut.

GEORGE: No! There’s no coconut!

WOMAN: (Behind service window) I’m allergic to coconut.

WILLIE: I’m not.

WILLIE SR: …A nickel!

[Setting: Dealership office showroom]

(Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab)

ELAINE: Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.

PUDDY: I’m with a customer.

(Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of disgust, and starts to walk away)

ELAINE: Uh…

JERRY: No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What’s important is you two getting back together. Eh, then we’ll talk about the car.

PUDDY: (Like a kid) I don’t want to get back with her. She’s too bossy.

ELAINE: (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David..

JERRY: Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don’t we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right?

ELAINE AND PUDDY: Right.

JERRY: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.

ELAINE: I guess.

PUDDY: Good point.

JERRY: (Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?

[Setting: Gas station]

(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)

KRAMER: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I’ll get us a couple of Twix bars.

RICK: No, no coconut for me.

KRAMER: All right, I’ll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running.

(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and scares him)

RICK: Ahh!

KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas!

RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!

KRAMER: Do you think that this’ll make you happy? ‘Cause it won’t!

RICK: (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me.

(Kramer grabs him by the collar)

KRAMER: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!"

(The car makes puttering noises)

RICK: Maybe we better get moving.

KRAMER: It’s good to have you back, Stan.

(Both hop into the car)

RICK: It’s Rick, by the way.

KRAMER: No time!

[Setting: Dealership’s customer service room]

WILLIE: Mr. Costanza, I really don’t have time for this.

GEORGE: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims, wouldn’t you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?

WILLIE: "Candy line-up"?

GEORGE: I’ve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from.

WILLIE: It took you an hour?

GEORGE: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you… the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)

SALESWOMAN: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!

GEORGE: That’s my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They’re - they’re all on the floor!

(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)

GEORGE: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!

MECHANIC: No.

MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good.

GEORGE: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!

MECHANIC: They’re all gone.

GEORGE: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Twwwwiiiiiixxxxx!

[Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference]

ELAINE: What was that?

PUDDY: There’s a mental hospital right near here.

JERRY: All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle: Arby’s no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesn’t read a book.

ELAINE: (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, that’s not bad.

PUDDY: I can live with that.

JERRY: So, you’re back together?

PUDDY: Yeah.

(Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling)

JERRY: All right, all right. All right, that’s enough! Let’s get back to my deal. That undercoating, that’s a rip-off, isn’t it, David?

PUDDY: Oh, we don’t even know what it is.

JERRY: So, I’m gettin’ the insider’s deal?

PUDDY: Insider’s deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five.

(Jerry gives a face of resentment)

[Setting: Dealership car]

(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)

RICK: (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There’s the dealer!

KRAMER: Hey!

RICK: We did! We pulled it off! I can’t believe it! Where’s the needle?

KRAMER: Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!

RICK: Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now.

KRAMER: Well, that’s a weird thing to say…

RICK: I wonder how much longer we could have lasted.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I wonder… hmm.

(They both eye each other, then lock hands. Kramer slams on the gas, and they both cheer and scream as they drive on)

[Setting: NYC Cab]

(Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab)

ELAINE: This is nice. What kind of car is this?

CABBIE: Caprice Classic.

ELAINE: (To Jerry) You couldn’t just give him one high-five?

JERRY: And where does it end? Then everyone’s doin’ it. It’s like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don’t go there." - Someone’s gotta take a stand!

GEORGE: (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby’s is good.

ELAINE: So, George, I still don’t understand - how was that a setup?

JERRY: And who were you tryin’ to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager?

GEORGE: I don’t know. All of ‘em. They’re all crooks! Besides, I couldn’t get all different candy bars, anyway.

(Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming and yelling)

GEORGE: What was that?

JERRY: I think there’s a mental hospital near here.

ELAINE: Very near.

[Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come to a stop]

KRAMER: Ya-hoo! Ya-hoo! (Rick is silent) Whew! Well, I think we stopped.

RICK: You - you can probably let go of my hand now.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I’ll think about it..

RICK: Do you have my card?

(After the Castle Rock Logo Willie Sr. voice is heard saying "A Nickel")

The End

S9E12 - The Reverse Peephole (a.k.a. The Man Fur)

Broadcast date: January 15, 1998

Written by Spike Feresten

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jon Polito ............................. Silvio

Pat Finn ................................ Joe Mayo

Jennette Robbins .................. Keri

Fitz Houston ........................ COP:

Joe Basile .............................. Delivery Guy

Lauren Bowles ..................... Waitress

rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

==================================================================

[Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.]

WAITRESS: Careful, this plate is extremely hot.

(Elaine touching the plate.)

ELAINE: Thank you. Ow!

WAITRESS: I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it?

ELAINE: I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is.

(Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat)

PUDDY: Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?

(Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat.)

ELAINE: I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing that?

PUDDY: It's my winter coat.

ELAINE: A fur?

(Puddy sits down in the booth.)

PUDDY: Is there a problem?

ELAINE: A seemingly infinite supply.

(Elaine touching the plate again.)

ELAINE: Ow! Careful, it's hot.

(Puddy touching the plate.)

PUDDY: Ow!

[Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George.]

JERRY: So, Puddy wear's a man fur?

ELAINE: He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.

JERRY: And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.

ELAINE: Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot.

GEORGE: And this is the first you're seeing of the coat?

ELAINE: We never dated in winter.

JERRY: You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.

ELAINE: Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.

GEORGE: An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off.

JERRY: Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him.

GEORGE: All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.

JERRY: Cheapness is not a sense.

ELAINE: I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...

JERRY: I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out.

(Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: You got any pliers?

JERRY: What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?

NEWMAN: Hilarious.

KRAMER: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.

ELAINE: Why?

NEWMAN: To prevent an ambush.

KRAMER: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

JERRY: But then anyone can just look in and see you.

KRAMER: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say, 'Enjoy the show.'

ELAINE: I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act.

(Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet.)

JERRY: Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way.

KRAMER: Mmm... Nice wallet.

NEWMAN: Wallet.

JERRY: What?

(Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket)

KRAMER: Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside.

JERRY: That's a five.

(Kramer singing as he switches his peephole around)

KRAMER: I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...

(Silvio coming up behind Kramer)

SILVIO: Eh, what are you doing?

KRAMER: Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.

SILVIO: Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the super. Who said you could do that?

KRAMER: Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?

SILVIO: Like what?

KRAMER: Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back.

SILVIO: No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.

KRAMER: Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I--

SILVIO: Newman? He did this, too?

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

SILVIO: I deal with him.

(George showing Jerry a newspaper ad.)

GEORGE: Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.

JERRY: Except the store's in Delaware.

GEORGE: I'll have 'em overnight it.

JERRY: Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable.

GEORGE: It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.

JERRY: Why?

(George pulling out his wallet.)

GEORGE: Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money.

(Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet.)

JERRY: But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here.

GEORGE: I need everything in there.

(Jerry looking through George's wallet )

JERRY: Irish money?

GEORGE: I might go there.

JERRY: Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.

(George grabbing back his wallet.)

GEORGE: All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet & Lows.

(Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole, and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach with a backscratcher, with opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door, and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole)

KRAMER: Who is it?

NEWMAN: It's Newman.

KRAMER: What do you want? I'm in the middle of something.

NEWMAN: I can't believe I'm being evicted.

KRAMER: What? What are you talking about?

NEWMAN: The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building.

KRAMER: No. No, he can't do that.

NEWMAN: I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out of a bucket.

KRAMER: Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten this thing out.

(Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman sees that he's still wearing his open shirt)

NEWMAN: Uh, you, uh, you better put something on.

[Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George.]

JERRY: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.

GEORGE: A man carries a wallet.

JERRY: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something.

(Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry.)

JOY MAYO: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.

JOY MAYO: Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone in case anybody calls and needs directions?

(George tossing his coat on a chair.)

GEORGE: Love to.

JOY MAYO: Thanks. Jerry...

JERRY: Music?

JOY MAYO: Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass?

JERRY: But I could do that and the music.

JOY MAYO: Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun!

JERRY: I was ready to get jiggy with it.

(Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat.)

PUDDY: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.

(Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look.)

JERRY: So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants?

(Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George.)

ELAINE: So, George... did you get the chair?

GEORGE: No, I don't have it yet.

JERRY: So, we're givin' him nothing?

(George pulling out a picture of the chair.)

GEORGE: No, I brought a picture of the chair.

JERRY: Did you at least get him a card?

GEORGE: I thought we'd all sign the picture.

(Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats.)

JOY MAYO: Elaine...

ELAINE: Hey, Joe Mayo.

JOY MAYO: I need you to be in charge of coats.

(Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown on top.)

ELAINE: Oh, fantastic.

JOY MAYO: And Puddy, can you make sure no one puts a drink on my...sound system?

PUDDY: Sure thing, Joe Mayo.

(Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl.)

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?

KERI: Nice.

JERRY: (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass.

GEORGE: (answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment?

PUDDY: (standing guard by the stereo as George walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the speaker.

(Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it, and throws Puddy's coat out)

ELAINE: Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.

[Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment.]

SILVIO: Why are we in Jerry's apartment?

KRAMER: Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture.

SILVIO: Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I are about to go bowling.

KRAMER: Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him?

SILVIO: I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is an agitator.

KRAMER: Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building, and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes, but smart as a whip.

SILVIO: OK, on your word he can stay.

KRAMER: All right.

SILVIO: But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

KRAMER: Well, you won't regret it.

(Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth.

SILVIO: What's wrong?

(Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end in his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the right way in his mouth)

JOY MAYO: Elaine, thanks for coming.

ELAINE: Good working with you.

(Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go.)

PUDDY: All right, let's hit the bricks.

(Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat.)

ELAINE: What?

JOY MAYO: Hey, I got a coat just like this!

ELAINE: Oh. Uhhh...

[Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry.]

ELAINE: So Joe Mayo had the same coat.

GEORGE: And you threw it out the window?

ELAINE: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: God, you're like a rock star.

ELAINE: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.

JERRY: Because you threw it out.

ELAINE: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane.

JERRY: But you did actually throw his coat out the window.

ELAINE: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.

JERRY: But that's you.

ELAINE: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.

(George, taking out his wallet to pay the check.)

GEORGE: Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.

JERRY: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.

(George replacing his wallet in his pocket.)

GEORGE: This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.

ELAINE: Look at you. You're on a slant.

GEORGE: Here, just give me a couple of napkins.

(He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his other back pocket, and becomes un-slanted)

GEORGE: There, there I'm fine.

(Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as he becomes slanty the other way now)

JERRY: What was that?

GEORGE: I think I had some hard candy in there.

[George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into his apartment.]

GEORGE: No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment.

(George sits down in the chair.)

GEORGE: Ahhh. How does this thing work?

(George turns the chair on.)

GEORGE:Ahhhhh...

DELIVERY MAN: Sir, do you want me to deliver this to your friend's place or not?

GEORGE: Ahhhhh...

[Keri meeting Jerry on the street. ]

KERI: Ready to go?

JERRY: All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.

KERI: You don't go that often?

JERRY: No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?

(Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem to normally go in her purse.)

KERI: Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?

JERRY: Compact, lipstick, all this?

(Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys.)

KERI: And can you help to carry my keys?

(Jerry looks at the keys.)

JERRY: What are you, a medieval dungeon master?

(Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the street. )

KERI: And a tin of altoids.

(Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to her)

JERRY: Ow! Sharp key.

[Kramer walks on the street with Newman]

KRAMER: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?

NEWMAN: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.

KRAMER: Well, why didn't you tell me about this?

NEWMAN: Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.

KRAMER: Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out.

(Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it.)

NEWMAN: Hey, what is that up that tree?

KRAMER: Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.

NEWMAN: No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.

(Kramer boosting Newman into the tree.)

KRAMER: Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?

NEWMAN: The Pacific Northwest.

[Elaine with Jerry at his apartment.]

ELAINE: So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.

JERRY: You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off.

(Elaine making a bowl of cereal.)

ELAINE: You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.

JERRY: Not more of that crap from the Titanic?

ELAINE: No. No. It's a small men's carryall.

JERRY: I'm not carrying a purse.

(Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal.)

ELAINE: It's not a purse. It's European.

(Jerry sits down with Elaine.)

JERRY: Oh.

ELAINE: Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?

(Jerry dialing his phone.)

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a gift, too.

(George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair.)

GEORGE: Yeah?

JERRY: Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?

GEORGE: Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: It's in... transit.

ELAINE: Did he get it?

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.

GEORGE: (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?

JERRY: Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways.

GEORGE: Allllll right!

JERRY: What is that noise?

GEORGE: (hangs up the phone) That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

JERRY: You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me.

(Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers.)

KRAMER: Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back....Weak hinge.

ELAINE: Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats.

KRAMER: Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free.

ELAINE: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur!

(Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style.)

ELAINE: 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat!

JERRY: What was that pop sound?

KRAMER: Well, I had some hard candy in there.

[Newman enters Elaine's apartment.]

NEWMAN: So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?

(Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor.)

ELAINE: Come in, come in.

NEWMAN: Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.

ELAINE: Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something.

NEWMAN: This isn't about my opening your mail?

ELAINE: What?

NEWMAN: Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already open.

ELAINE: Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him.

NEWMAN: Sorry. Climbers, keepers.

ELAINE: You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered.

NEWMAN: You are?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years.

NEWMAN: Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it.

ELAINE: Ha ha ha ha.

NEWMAN: Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type?

ELAINE: Uh, don't worry, he's cool.

NEWMAN: Cool?

ELAINE: Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie?

NEWMAN: Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her.

ELAINE: All right, we're done here.

NEWMAN: For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk--

ELAINE: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

[Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal.]

KERI: Nice carryall.

JERRY: It's European.

KERI: Do you still have my lipstick?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job?

KERI: My job was to keep you away from the music.

JERRY: What, he doesn't like my taste in music?

KERI: Guess not.

JERRY: You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!

[Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door.]

SILVIO: Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need to talk to you! I can see you through the reverse peephole.

KRAMER: Hey, Silvio!

(Silvio holding up a fur coat.)

SILVIO: Look at this.

KRAMER: Huh?

SILVIO: Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he?

KRAMER: Relax, Silvio.

SILVIO: No, that's it. You're both out of the building!

KRAMER: Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's!

SILVIO: A man's?

KRAMER: Yeah.

SILVIO: What kind of a man would wear fur?

KRAMER: Oh, lots of 'em.

SILVIO: Would you?

KRAMER: No.

SILVIO: Then who?

KRAMER: What about Jerry?

SILVIO: Jerry?

KRAMER: Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.

SILVIO: Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me!

KRAMER: Yeah, something like that.

[Jerry in his apartment with Kramer.]

JERRY: I have to do what?

KRAMER: All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours.

JERRY: I'm not wearing the fur.

KRAMER: Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.

JERRY: Is that right?

KRAMER: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?

JERRY: Newman, too?

KRAMER: Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about.

JERRY: That's my walkman!

KRAMER: And you'll get it back.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.

GEORGE: Hey.

KRAMER: Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.

JERRY: George, did you get that chair yet?

GEORGE: It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me?

JERRY: You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.

GEORGE: Excuse me?

JERRY: Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me.

GEORGE: Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift?

KRAMER: Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?

GEORGE: He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember? It was your suggestion.

KRAMER: I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.

GEORGE: Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?

JERRY: No, you don't have to buy anything.

GEORGE: I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me!

JERRY: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?

GEORGE: I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.

JERRY: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!

GEORGE: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.

JERRY: Your good friend is morbidly obese.

GEORGE: Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.

JERRY: It's not a purse. It's European!

KRAMER: All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back.

JERRY: All right.

(Kramer puts the coat on Jerry.)

KRAMER: There you go.

JERRY: How do I look?

KRAMER: Ahh....

[George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street.]

GEORGE: Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.

(George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes)

GEORGE: My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!

[Outside on the Street in front of Jerry's]

JERRY: Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.

SILVIO: That is your coat?

JERRY: It sure is.

SILVIO: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.

JERRY: That's true.

(Kramer giving Jerry his carryal.)

KRAMER: Jerry, you forgot your purse.

JERRY: Oh, thanks.

KRAMER: Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.

JERRY: Maybe this isn't my coat.

KRAMER: All right, you're not fancy!

SILVIO: No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses!

(Elaine, coming up to them on the street.)

ELAINE: Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat.

JERRY: No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy.

ELAINE: No, that's not your coat.

SILVIO: If that is not his coat, whose coat is it?

ELAINE: It's Joe Mayo's coat.

SILVIO: Who's Joe Mayo?

KRAMER: That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.

(A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone yells in surprise)

JERRY: Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall!

COP:: Your what?

JERRY: The...black, leather...thing with a strap.

COP:: You mean a purse?

JERRY: Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!

[Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into his wallet]

JERRY: So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?

ELAINE: Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies.

JERRY: He should have had a reverse peephole.

(Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored leather coat.)

PUDDY: Hey, Babe.

(Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy.)

JERRY: Hello? Hello?

ELAINE: What is that?

PUDDY: It's my new coat.

ELAINE: You ditched the fur?

PUDDY: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.

ELAINE: You're gonna wear this all the time?

PUDDY: All signs point to 'Yes!'

The End

S9E13 - The Cartoon

Broadcast date: January 29, 1998

Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Kathy Griffin ......................... Sally Weaver

Tracy Nelson ......................... Janet

Joe Urla ................................. Dugan

Paul Benedict ......................... Mr. Elinoff

Bart McCarthy ...................... Cab Driver

rc: Wayne Knight .................. Newman

rc: John O'Hurley .................. J. Peterman

==================================================================

[Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking]

JERRY: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?

KRAMER: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.

JERRY: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.

(We see Sally from a distance.)

KRAMER: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?

JERRY: No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress.

KRAMER: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!

JERRY: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing.

KRAMER: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.

JERRY: She should just give up.

(She recognizes them.)

JERRY: Heeyyy!...

SALLY: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my way to an audition still waiting for that big break.

KRAMER: Why don't you just give up?

JERRY: Kramer!!!

KRAMER: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?

(Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless)

JERRY: So......Susan's dead.....

[At Monks]

KRAMER: I think she was happy someone finally said it.

JERRY: Why'd you have to say anything to her?

KRAMER: 'felt that the conversation was lagging.

JERRY: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?

KRAMER: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.

(Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.)

ELAINE: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.

JERRY: What did you wanna be?

ELAINE: I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this.

JERRY: I don't either.

ELAINE: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.

(George comes in)

GEORGE: Hey!

ELAINE: Hey! George look at this.

GEORGE: That's cute.

ELAINE: You got it?

GEORGE: No, never mind.

ELAINE: Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office.

JERRY: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.

ELAINE: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail".

GEORGE: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner .

ELAINE: It's a page number.

GEORGE: Well, I can't crack this one.

ELAINE: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.

GEORGE: try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute.

JERRY: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

GEORGE: Aah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose

ELAINE: We know what a face consists of.

(Janet arrives)

JANET: I'm sorry I'm late.

GEORGE: Jerry, Elaine, I give you.. Janet.

JANET: Nice to meet you.

ELAINE: Hi!

JANET: Do we still have time to make the movie?

GEORGE: Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.

(George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl, they leave.)

ELAINE: Jerry, She looks exactly like you.

JERRY: She does not.

ELAINE: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.

[Jerry's place, Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.]

JERRY: Hey! Kramer.

KRAMER: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.

JERRY: What! You're the one who ruined her life.

KRAMER: Well that's not how she remembers it.

JERRY: Well, I got to talk her out of this.

KRAMER: I thought you said she stinks

JERRY: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

(Door buzzer rings)

JERRY: Yeah...

GEORGE: Hey! George and Janet.

KRAMER: Aahh...Who's Janet?

JERRY: George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk.

KRAMER: You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne.

ALL: Hey, Hey!

KRAMER: And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie.

GEORGE: Kramer, what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry

JANET: well maybe we do look a little like each other.

GEORGE: No..hummm, What do you know about what you look like.

KRAMER: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.

GEORGE: (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.

JANET: We just got here George

GEORGE: Well,,, it's getting dark.

(They leave.)

KRAMER: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.

(Jerry slaps him in the back.)

JERRY: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I

KRAMER: Well how should I have "broached the subject"

JERRY: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.

KRAMER: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.

JERRY: Yeah! Because of you.

KRAMER: Well, I think one of us should leave.

(They stare at each other for a while)

[Monks]

JERRY: Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me.

SALLY: (nods) Hehumm!!

JERRY: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic.

SALLY: Really?

JERRY: Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks..

SALLY: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.

JERRY: All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.

SALLY: Right!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food)

JERRY: NOW!!!!.... (she leaves in a hurry)

[Back to Jerry's place, evening.]

ELAINE: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

JERRY: Oh! I think we're at the bottom.

ELAINE: (to George who just came in) Hey! George, Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman.

GEORGE: What does that mean?

JERRY: Yeah. What does that mean?

GEORGE: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?

ELAINE: Enjoy. (she leaves)

JERRY: Elaine huh?.. She's completely..

GEORGE: Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..

JERRY: No....

GEORGE: Why would I...

JERRY: It's ludicrous..

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: For either one of us..

GEORGE: No...

JERRY: So...

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: I'm not gay.

GEORGE: ...neither am I.

BOTH: Kramer, Kramer, get in here.

GEORGE: Where's the crazy man, Come on up.

JERRY: Come on in here.

(As Kramer steps out and comes in)

GEORGE: Haaaaaa!!!

JERRY: What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us.

KRAMER: I've made an important life decision.

JERRY: Lets talk about that.

GEORGE: Don't leave (George slams the door)

KRAMER: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry

GEORGE: What's the decision?

KRAMER: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again.

JERRY: Yeah right.

KRAMER: What do I need to talk for.. ha!, For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now, I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.

GEORGE: Silence YES!!

JERRY: Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.

KRAMER: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.

(Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying))

JERRY: Well what does this mean?

KRAMER: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry.

GEORGE: (frantic by now) SHUT UP,SHUT UP, SHUT UP,...(then leaves)

KRAMER: That's the idea.

JERRY: Kramer there's no way you stick to this.

KRAMER: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!

JERRY: Oh! you just startin' now?

KRAMER: that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.

(Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table)

KRAMER: Ouch!!..........Now!!

[Next day at the New Yorker]

MR. ELINOFF: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?

ELAINE: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one

(Elaine shows him the cartoon)

MR. ELINOFF: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think.

ELAINE: Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email?

MR. ELINOFF: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..

ELAINE: Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny?

MR. ELINOFF: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her)

ELAINE: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him)

MR. ELINOFF: It's a slice of life.

ELAINE: No it isn't.

MR. ELINOFF: Pun?

ELAINE: I don,t think so.

MR. ELINOFF: Vorshtein?

ELAINE: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?

MR. ELINOFF: No.

ELAINE: Then why did you print it.

MR. ELINOFF: I liked the kitty.

ELAINE: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy.

MR. ELINOFF: Actually that's not bad..

ELAINE: Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others

[Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre]

JERRY: Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?

SALLY: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me,oKay, a tear.

(Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts)

JERRY: Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence)

JERRY: Aw.. right, code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...

(Applause, Sally starts her show)

SALLY: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally, You stink, You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet. (big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!

[Next day at Jerry's]

ELAINE: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.

JERRY: Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks.

ELAINE: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.

JERRY: The New Yorker?

ELAINE: Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE....

JERRY: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew

ELAINE: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.

JERRY: Nodding off...

ELAINE: ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.

JERRY: Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.

ELAINE: I do to.

JERRY: What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves)

ELAINE: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.

JERRY: Where did you see that? Those are private!!!

[Back to Monks, same day]

SALLY: Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?

JERRY: No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.

SALLY: Well...That is the title.

JERRY: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.

SALLY: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey.

JERRY: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)

(Newman shyly approaches the table)

NEWMAN: Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..

JERRY: What a surprise.

NEWMAN: Aahh! You're great,It's great, It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.

(Kramer climbs into a cab)

DRIVER: Where to?

(Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab.)

[Evening at Janet's apt.]

GEORGE: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..

SALLY: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry.

GEORGE: I know....

[Back to Jerry's]

TV ANNOUNCER: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show.

SALLY: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know, Hands Across America.

JERRY: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her

SALLY: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...

JERRY: Get Out of my House!!.

(Elaine walks in the door looking terrible)

ELAINE: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.

JERRY: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.

ELAINE: That is not the point.

JERRY: some mouthwash, a hat, something.

ELAINE: Just read it!

JERRY: (glances at it) Pretty good.

ELAINE: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny.

JERRY: It's a pig at a complain department.

ELAINE: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.

JERRY: I get it.

ELAINE: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.

JERRY: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye.

ELAINE: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.

JERRY: I'm a comedian.

ELAINE: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.

JERRY: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.

ELAINE: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver.

JERRY: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.

(Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.)

ELAINE: The pig says "my wife is a slut."

JERRY: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and..

(Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message.)

JERRY: ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together.

JERRY: (from the back of the club, leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns.

(Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.)

SALLY: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...(censored beep)...You

JERRY: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.

[At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door.]

ELAINE: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? (Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.

PETERMAN: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.

ELAINE: Can I fix that after lunch sir?

PETERMAN: Oh! no right away, chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves)

ELAINE: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it.

DUGAN: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. (he leaves)

PETERMAN: (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.

ELAINE: Oh! Do tell sir?

PETERMAN: It's a Ziggy!

ELAINE: A Ziggy?

PETERMAN: That irreverence, that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine, to my archives.

[In a restaurant later that evening.]

GEORGE: You know, you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks.

JANET: It's not?

GEORGE: No, Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met, we had a great conversation.

JANET: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.

GEORGE: ....But after that we really talked didn't we?

JANET: Well,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before.

GEORGE: Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?

JANET: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.

GEORGE: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.

JANET: I like gum.

GEORGE: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.

JANET: I have gum in my hair.

GEORGE: I'm losin' it

[Monks]

SALLY: (joining Kramer) Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy, mind if I sit. My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back, Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person...

KRAMER: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.

SALLY: Well, lay it on me string bean.

[Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.]

JANET: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed.

GEORGE: OK Look, the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.

JANET: George.

(George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt.)

GEORGE: Your hair?

JANET: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed George. (George speeds out the door)

GEORGE: George is in big trouble....

[At Jerry's the next day.]

JERRY: You ripped off a Ziggy?

ELAINE: It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?

JERRY: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.

(Kramer comes in)

ELAINE: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave)

JERRY: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing.

SALLY: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me.

JERRY: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?

ELAINE: Why are you yelling at the TV?

SALLY: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues..

JERRY: Elaine, have you been talking to her?

ELAINE: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...

SALLY: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?

JERRY: (to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??

KRAMER: ...All right ..Starting now......

[Monks]

JERRY: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?

GEORGE: like that (looking at Jerry)

JERRY: You mean like.. (points to his hair)

GEORGE: ..That.

JERRY: So she..

GEORGE: Yes..

JERRY: And you don't...

GEORGE: Nooo...

JERRY: So...

GEORGE: Exactly..

JERRY: Hmmmm...

GEORGE: We...must never ever speak of this again..

JERRY: No, no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?

GEORGE: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave)

JERRY: I think that's for the best.

The End

S9E14 - The Strongbox

Broadcast date: February 5, 1998

Written by Dan O'Keefe

Story by Dan O'Keefe and Billy Kimball

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Illeana Douglas .................... Loretta

Alex Kapp ........................... Maura

Louis Mustillo ...................... Phil

Nicholas Paul Walker .......... Glenn

Mary Scheer ....................... Ms. Smoth

Bonnie McNeil .................... Alison

Rosie Malek-Yonan ............. Wife

==================================================================

[George's apartment - Maura brings two cups over and sits down next to George]

GEORGE: (clears throat) Maura, I, uh- I want you to know... I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but... we, uh, we have to break up.

MAURA: No. (sips her drink)

GEORGE: (double takes) What's that?

MAURA: We're not breaking up. (takes another sip)

GEORGE: (puzzled) W-we're not?

MAURA: No. (hands George his cup)

(George is rendered speechless. He considers this for a while. Finally...)

GEORGE: All right (he smiles weakly at Maura)

[Monk's - Jerry and George]

JERRY: She said no?

GEORGE: She said no.

JERRY: What did you do?

GEORGE: What could I do?! We fooled around and went to a movie!

JERRY: George, both parties don't have to consent to a break-up. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments.

GEORGE: Well, I don't really like her.

JERRY: That's good.

GEORGE: I don't find her attractive.

JERRY: Solid.

GEORGE: I'd like to sleep with a LOT of other women.

JERRY: Always popular.

GEORGE: Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food: 'Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are sooo goood.'

JERRY: You have an airtight case!

GEORGE: And in bed--

JERRY: I'm afraid we're out of time.

(George pulls an annoyed face. Jerry takes a sip from his cup then, remembering something, pulls out a jewellery case)

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie "Cinderfella". I got 'em at an auction.

GEORGE: I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you.

JERRY: No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him.

GEORGE: You already have an in. You have the same first name!... (no reaction) 'Jerry'!

JERRY: Oh, that'll intrigue him.

GEORGE: Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.

JERRY: George Peppard has been dead for years.

GEORGE: Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team!

[Day. Street - Elaine is sat outside a cafe with a man, Glenn]

GLENN: So you would choose your last meal based on the method of execution?

ELAINE: Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something... hot and spicy, you know... Thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta... you know, painless, don't want anything too heavy...

GLENN: So, um, why don't we get together some time?

ELAINE: Oh, sure! Why don't you give me your number?

GLENN: I think it'd be better if I called you.

ELAINE: Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. D-do you work around here or-?

GLENN: Mm mm... no, not really.

ELAINE: So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself?

GLENN: (seductive tone) I think you're very beautiful.

ELAINE: (flattered) Oh (laughs) That'll do! (laughs some more)

[Jerry's apartment - Jerry and Elaine]

JERRY: What about Puddy?

ELAINE: I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks... I THINK it might be over...

JERRY: (unimpressed) So, what's this guy about?

ELAINE: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked... I'll bet he's in a relationship.

JERRY: Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity! Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!

ELAINE: Which one is he?

JERRY: Green suit, power ring.

ELAINE: I don't care for jewellery on men (wags her finger disapprovingly)

(Kramer enters carrying a box)

KRAMER: Hey. It happened again. (puts box on counter) Another robbery in the building.

JERRY: So you bought a cooler?

KRAMER: No, it's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceables.

ELAINE: And... what would those be?

KRAMER: Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations, my Tony, my... military discharge.

JERRY: (doubtful) You were in the Army?

KRAMER: Y- B-briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. (makes a clicking sound)

ELAINE: Literally.

KRAMER: (offended) 'Literally'? What's THAT supposed to mean? (then to Jerry, before Elaine can answer) You mind if I hide this somewhere?

JERRY: No, go ahead.

KRAMER: (stuttering gibberish, gestures that they should leave) A little... privacy, uh?

JERRY: Oh, come on!

ELAINE: Oh!

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue! (Elaine laughs) Boy, you wouldn't last a DAY in the Army.

JERRY: (walking towards door with Elaine) How long did you last? (opens door)

KRAMER: Well, that's classified.

(Kramer slams the door behind Jerry and Elaine as they enter the hallway)

ELAINE: Hey, what if he's married?

JERRY: Kramer?!

ELAINE: No, the Green Lantern.

KRAMER: (from inside) OK!

(Jerry and Elaine re-enter the apartment. Kramer is now sat on the couch with his strongbox, flicking through a magazine)

JERRY: So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky.

ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get.

(Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally finds the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see)

KRAMER: (bangs arm of couch in frustration) You peeked!

JERRY: THIS is your hiding place?! (Elaine laughs)

KRAMER: It was under a spoon!

(Jerry discards the key, unimpressed)

[George's apartment - George is standing, holding a notebook. Maura sits there, listening]

GEORGE: And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. (shuts book and reaches for door) Thank you, (opens door) and good night.

(George stands there holding the door open)

MAURA: No, George, we're not.

GEORGE: (gestures towards book) But I proved it!

MAURA: I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like... launching missiles from a submarine. Both of us have to turn our keys.

GEORGE: Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.

MAURA: (assertive) I'm sorry, George, I can't do that.

GEORGE: (shouting) Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!

[Day. Elaine & Glenn walking on the street]

ELAINE: So, how is a guy like you not involved?

GLENN: I might ask you the same thing.

ELAINE: (in her mind) That's true, maybe he's not married.

(Glenn gives her a flower he's just taken from outside a store)

ELAINE: Oh, that is so sweet.

ELAINE: (in her mind, cynical) How long do I have to hold this?

GLENN: (seeing a woman on the street) Oh, no.

ELAINE: Who is it?

GLENN: Um, uh, no one, no one. (running with Elaine into an alley) Here, uh, let me show you a short cut. Come on. Come on.

ELAINE: (in her mind) Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. (she does)

[Day. On street outside Jerry's apartment]

ELAINE: (shouting up) Jerry! Jerry!

(Jerry opens his window and looks down)

JERRY: Elaine, what are you doin' down there?

ELAINE: You didn't hear me buzzing?

JERRY: Oh, I guess it's broken!

ELAINE: Throw down your key.

JERRY: It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer.

ELAINE: I'll catch it!

JERRY: You'll chicken out at the last second.

ELAINE: ...Yeah, you're right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out?

JERRY: (annoyed) All right. (after a pause) Hey, you know what's weird?

ELAINE: Huh?

JERRY: I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep. But I can't anymore.

ELAINE: Nodding off!... Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me!

(to a passer-by who gives her a disapproving look) We haven't done anything yet. (sighs) I'm hungry. Can you throw something down?

JERRY: All right.

(cut to inside of Jerry's apartment)

JERRY: Here! I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer.

(Jerry throws down a granola bar and walks away from the window)

ELAINE: (from the street) It went in the sewer! (Jerry reacts)

(Jerry opens up his buzzer and finds the problem. Kramer bursts in)

JERRY: Hey...

KRAMER: (re buzzer box) What are you doin'?

JERRY: (waving the key) You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!

KRAMER: (grabbing the key) You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know all about it. You're so OBSESSED with me.

JERRY: I'm gonna go let Elaine in. (Kramer reaches out to stop him leaving)

KRAMER: Oo, y- what are you doing with her? (Jerry ignores him and exits)

JERRY: (in the hallway, hearing the door lock behind him, turns back) Kramer!

KRAMER: (from inside) Security issue!

(Elaine arrives)

JERRY: Oh, hey. You got in.

ELAINE: Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. Here. (hands him a large stack of papers)

JERRY: (taking the menus) Oh, thanks.

KRAMER: (clattering inside) That wasn't me!

JERRY: So, he's definitely married, huh?

ELAINE: Uh...

JERRY: Boy, I would love to have been there when you told him off.

(Elaine splutters guiltily)

JERRY: Oh, come on!

ELAINE: Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run.

KRAMER: (from inside Jerry's apartment) OK! (door opens)

(Elaine and Jerry re-enter the apartment, while Kramer holds the door)

KRAMER: All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. (shuts door)

GEORGE: (from the street below Jerry's window) Jerry!

(George puts his fingers in mouth and tries unsuccessfully to whistle)

JERRY: (out of window) George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!

JERRY: (putting on his coat to go downstairs, he finds the key in his coat pocket) I believe this belongs to you.

KRAMER: Heyyyy! (bangs the table in frustration and grabs the key)

[Lobby of Jerry's building - Jerry emerges from the elevator and walks towards the door. George is behind the glass eating a granola bar. Jerry stares in disgust at it]

JERRY: (opens the door for George) Where did you get that?

GEORGE: (puzzled) I bought it. (enters lobby)

Phil: (walking up to get inside after George) Thanks.

JERRY: (barring the way) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you.

PHIL: What?

JERRY: There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in.

PHIL: But, I live here! I ran out to buy some birdseed, and-and I forgot my key.

GEORGE: Sounds like a scam. (takes a bite from the granola bar)

JERRY: (shakes his head) I'm very sorry. (closing the door on Phil. Jerry smiles and shrugs apologetically as Phil stares at them through the glass)

(George and Jerry head towards the elevator)

GEORGE: So, I broke up with Maura. It's done. I'm out.

JERRY: Great, you're lonely and miserable again. (presses button to call elevator)

GEORGE: Feels right. (cheerfully takes another bite)

JERRY: Is that guy still there? (They are side-on to Phil who is in the background, still pressed against the glass, aghast)

GEORGE: (looking at the door) He's starin' at us.

JERRY: Don't look at him. (Phil starts to knock on the door)

JERRY: We don't hear that. (They enter the elevator)

GEORGE: Want a bite?

JERRY: Nooo, I don't. (the elevator doors shut)

[Night. George's apartment - George is lazing on the couch, with a magazine, rubbing an apple on his sweater]

GEORGE: (in his mind) I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. (knock at door. George goes to open it)

MAURA: (cheerily) Hey, Honey. (she sweeps in, shuts the door behind her, and sits down)

GEORGE: (still by the door) What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship... twice!

MAURA: George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight.

GEORGE: Why does it always seem like I'm the only one working at this break-up?

MAURA: George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner.

GEORGE: (pauses to consider this then gives in) All right. (starts heading towards bedroom)

MAURA: (picking up the apple) Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot. (George freezes, shakes his head, and continues walking)

[Glenn's apartment - squalid, with barely any furniture]

ELAINE: So, this is your little... love nest? (laughs)

GLENN: It's nothing special, just a little place I keep.

ELAINE: Oh.

GLENN: Ah, should I light a fire?

ELAINE: Oh, that sounds... romantic.

GLENN: I'm having a little problem with the heat. Um, I got some cardboard out here. (climbing through the window)

ELAINE: (in her mind, anguished) This is wrong. I should go. (There's a knock at the door)

GLENN: (leaning in) Can you get that, please?

ELAINE: Oh, sure.

(Elaine opens the door to see the woman from the street that Glenn avoided earlier. Elaine gasps)

WOMAN: Where's Glenn?

ELAINE: (guiltily) Ah... You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear.

WOMAN: Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home?

ELAINE: This is his home?

WOMAN: Yes.

ELAINE: So, he's...

WOMAN: (nodding) Poor. (Elaine mouths 'oo')

GLENN: (coming back through the window carrying an old chair) I think this will burn!

[Jerry's building lobby - Jerry gets into the elevator and is about to press the button when Phil walks in. Jerry's jaw drops. Both men carry a bag of groceries]

JERRY: So you do live here.

PHIL: (sulkily) Yeah. (Jerry has an anguished expression as the elevator doors shut)

(Going up in the elevator, both men stand awkwardly in the silence, facing forward. Jerry looks troubled. Phil peeks up to check the progress of the elevator. Finally, it arrives, the doors open and Jerry exits, and starts to wave goodbye to Phil but sees him also exiting)

JERRY: You live on this floor?

PHIL: Yeah.

JERRY: (arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there.

PHIL: Yeah. (enters his apartment)

JERRY: So I guess I'll s--

(Phil slams the door behind him. Jerry nods and enters his own apartment)

[Day. Monk's - Elaine sits opposite Jerry at a booth]

ELAINE: He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. (unwrapping a lollipop) He's not married. He's poor. (puts lollipop in her mouth)

JERRY: Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?

ELAINE: He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.

JERRY: So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?

ELAINE: How can I end it over money? I feel bad.

JERRY: Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation?

ELAINE: Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans.

JERRY: Good. How did you handle that?

ELAINE: Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street.

JERRY: Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean.

ELAINE: Well, I am NOT paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be?

GEORGE: (entering Monk's) Hey.

JERRY: Hey, where have you been?

GEORGE: (sitting down next to Jerry) Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt.

ELAINE: If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things would have been so much simpler.

GEORGE: Who's this, Blue Arrow?

ELAINE: Green Lantern.

JERRY: We found out his super power was lack of money.

ELAINE: (not amused) All right.

JERRY: He's invulnerable to creditors.

ELAINE: (annoyed) We get it. (George is laughing)

JERRY: He's the Got-no-Green Lantern.

ELAINE: Thank you. (gets up from her seat)

GEORGE: Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.

ELAINE: (leaning over to George) Ooh, (fake laugh) well crafted. (exits)

GEORGE: Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura.

JERRY: Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair.

GEORGE: She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it.

JERRY: (fidgets like he has no room with George next to him)... Could you move over there?!

(George makes a face and reluctantly switches sides, to the seat Elaine was in)

GEORGE: Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me.

JERRY: Really? How come you never pursued her before?

GEORGE: She's too tanned. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot.

ELAINE: (coming back into Monk's) Did I leave my glasses here?

JERRY: (to Elaine, still joking) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!

ELAINE: (leaving again) Keep 'em! (George and Jerry savour the joke)

[Day. Jerry's apartment — Jerry enters to find Kramer there. A squawking can be heard in the hallway)

KRAMER: Heh.

JERRY: There's a giant parrot in the hallway.

KRAMER: It's Phil's.

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: Our neighbor that you... turned against. (Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.

JERRY: What'd ya tell him that for?

KRAMER: Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place.

JERRY: Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch?

KRAMER: Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's...

JERRY: He let you?

KRAMER: No, he doesn't know. See, I hid it without tellin' him. So, uh, (starts walking towards door) Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people... You! (points at Jerry)

(Kramer leaves. We hear squawking and screaming and a banging against the door as Kramer's presumably attacked by the bird. Then he bursts back in, shaken and checking his face for blood. He shuts the door with his foot and peers through the peephole)

[Night. George's apartment - he enters with a too-tanned Loretta, who is carrying flowers]

GEORGE: So, you... you say you've been in the city all winter?

LORETTA: I was in Maine for a couple days. (George looks puzzled at how she's so tanned)

GEORGE: Well... (shuts door) heeere we are (puts down his coat and chuckles)

LORETTA: George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you.

GEORGE: (excited) Ho ho! (gestures and steps towards bedroom but Loretta walks the other way to the couch)

LORETTA: But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon.

GEORGE: (walking back) Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam.

LORETTA: I want to build something with you, George.

GEORGE: Oh, not more building.

LORETTA: (sighs) And I won't take no for an answer. (she sits down)

GEORGE: No?

LORETTA: No.

GEORGE: (after hesitating, resignedly) All right. (He sits down and smiles unconvincingly at her)

[Day. Alley]

ELAINE: So, uh, what are we doing in this alley, anyway?

GLENN: It's a surprise.

ELAINE: (giggling) Oh.

(A nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a trash can. As soon as the cook is gone, Glenn makes a grab for the bag and starts looking inside it)

ELAINE: What are you doing? What is that?

GLENN: It's a bag of donuts.

ELAINE: It's garbage.

GLENN: No, no, no, no. When they make the new ones, the old ones come out... right here.

ELAINE: (has had enough) All right, that's it. (rummaging in purse, pulls out her chequebook) How do you spell your last name?

GLENN: (still looking through the garbage bag) It's a bear claw! You have no idea how rare this is.

ELAINE: (writing out cheque) I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty?

GLENN: (eating the bear claw) Oooh!

ELAINE: Make it three hundred.

GLENN: (re the bear claw) You know, Elaine, you're the bear claw in the garbage bag of my life. (breaks bear claw in half and offers her a piece)

ELAINE: (touched, she takes it) Aw, Glenn.

(the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the alley, and splashing Elaine and Glenn as they share the bear claw, but they're too wrapped up with each other to take much notice. Elaine wipes the side of her face. They smile)

[Phil's apartment. A woman wearing cleaning gloves and a headscarf and carrying a wastebasket goes to open the door. Jerry is standing there)

JERRY: Hi. Is Phil here?

Phil: (from inside the apartment) Yeah, I'm here. (comes to the door. The caged parrot is visible in the background)

JERRY: Phil... hi. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely... by the way, made a mess on my door.

PHIL: And?

JERRY: I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there.

PHIL: That's my wife.

JERRY: (nodding awkwardly for a moment) All right, I think we're done here. (Jerry leaves and Phil shuts the door darkly)

[Day. Jerry's apartment - Jerry and George]

JERRY: (in a tuxedo) So, you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex with you.

GEORGE: This isn't going well.

JERRY: I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in!

GEORGE: You don't need the cufflinks! You have the same name! (no reaction) 'Jerry'! (heads for door, grabbing his coat)

JERRY: Where are you goin'? Help me look!

GEORGE: (opening door) It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of "Godspell" with the other.

JERRY: Which is with who?

GEORGE: (shaking his head, weary) It doesn't matter. (he leaves)

KRAMER: (entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice.

JERRY: I can't go until I find my cufflinks.

KRAMER: Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.

JERRY: You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?

KRAMER: Yeah, we'll stop by Phil's, we'll pick up the key, uh?

(entering the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying, arriving at their apartment. Jerry and Kramer approach them)

KRAMER: Hey, what's going on?

PHIL: Fredo is dead. (his wife sobs)

JERRY: That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator?

PHIL: No! My bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. (starts opening door)

JERRY: Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry.

PHIL: Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food.

JERRY: But I, I didn't, I--

(Phil slams the door on Jerry. Kramer pats Jerry reassuringly on the shoulder)

JERRY: Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! (Kramer gestures sympathetically) And who buries a bird?

KRAMER: Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.

JERRY: Just get the key and let's get out of here.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (goes to Phil's door) You know, it's a... it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whoo! That's a weeeird coincidence.

JERRY: Kramer!? (grabbing Kramer's arm roughly, pulling him back as he's about to knock)

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: You killed Fredo!

KRAMER: (high-pitched) Well, Fredo was weak and stupid! He shouldn't have eaten that key!

JERRY: Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do?

(Kramer clicks his fingers and points at Jerry)

KRAMER: You just answered your own question.

JERRY: (frowning in realization) Oh, no!

KRAMER: (nodding) I'll get the shovel. (walks towards his apartment, as Jerry grimaces at the prospect)

[Day. Monk's - George and Loretta]

GEORGE: The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some odd choices.

LORETTA: (shaking head, confused) What?

GEORGE: I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating.

LORETTA: Oh. (she smiles, reassured, and nods)

(Maura enters)

MAURA: George?

GEORGE: Maura. (starts acting dramatically, looking from Maura to Loretta and back again) Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!

MAURA: You told me to meet you here for lunch.

GEORGE: (standing up, still acting) Uhh! I'm caught in my own web of lies! (holds his hands up in surrender)

MAURA: (calmly ignoring George) I'm Maura. (shaking Loretta's hand and smiling)

LORETTA: (to Maura, also friendly) I'm Loretta. You want to join us? (Maura nods and sits down next to her)

GEORGE: (laughs hysterically, gesticulating wildly) This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives... (grabbing coat) Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... (points towards door)

MAURA: George, what we have is too important. We can work through this.

LORETTA: So can we.

GEORGE: (astounded) What? So, this is still not over?

MAURA: No.

GEORGE: You?

LORETTA: No.

(George stands there pondering this, then resignedly...)

GEORGE: All right. (throws his coat back down on the seat and sits down opposite them)

[Glenn's apartment - Elaine and Glenn]

GLENN: Elaine, wow, a TV, a stereo?

ELAINE: Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em.

(A woman walks in)

GLENN: Oh, my God, Alison. You're home early.

ELAINE: Who is this?

ALISON: (arms crossed, angry) His wife.

ELAINE: You're... poor AND married?

GLENN: Looks like it.

ALISON: Who the hell are you?

ELAINE: I guess I'm... Lois Loan.

[Night. Pet Cemetery - Jerry and Kramer enter, dressed in their tuxedos. Jerry is carrying a shovel]

JERRY: Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers.

KRAMER: (reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend'. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.

JERRY: (seeing Fredo's tombstone) Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up! (hands the shovel to Kramer)

KRAMER: (sighs) All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him.

JERRY: (grimaces and takes the shovel back) I'll dig.

KRAMER: Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out.

(Kramer walks off, trips over a tombstone, straightens his bow-tie, trying to appear dignified again, and exits. Jerry, watching, shakes his head and starts digging)

JERRY: (hitting metal with the first strike of the shovel) Well, that was easy.

(cut to another part of the cemetery, where Phil is walking with his wife. She is carrying flowers)

PHIL: All right, Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.

(back to Jerry, levering the metal box out of the ground. Kramer is not back)

JERRY: (with a wild expression) Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open!

(just at that moment, Phil and his wife arrive)

PHIL: (horrified) Oh, my God!

(Phil's wife screams and puts her hand to her mouth in shock)

JERRY: (after a very awkward pause, cheerily) Hey, neighbor.

[Jerry's apartment - George, Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer in the background. George is counting bank notes into two piles]

GEORGE: All right. I'm gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each... (to Elaine) What do you think?

ELAINE: Give me forty, you'll never see me again.

(Elaine makes a face at George as though picking something from her teeth with her tongue. George rolls his eyes away, returning to the money)

ELAINE: (to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what?

JERRY: (still in tuxedo, tie undone) Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building.

(Kramer enters from the bathroom, also still in his tuxedo, without the tie. George gets up and walks over to the strongbox)

GEORGE: So, what's in the cooler? (flips open the lid)

(Kramer gasps. He and Jerry look on in amazement)

KRAMER: Oh. Well, would you look at that. (puts a gun-shaped hand to his head and goes 'Pop') I guess I forgot to lock it.

JERRY: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?

KRAMER: Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry?... Reeeally one for the books!

The End

S9E15 - The Wizard

Broadcast date: February 26, 1998

Written by Steve Lookner

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross

Warren Frost ...................... Mr. (Henry) Ross

Samuel Bliss Cooper ............ Darryl

Edgar Small ......................... Sid Luckman

Vic Helford ......................... Tom

Michael McShane ................. FDR (Franklin Delano Romanosky)

Bahni Turpin ....................... Waitress #1

Constance Zimmer .............. Waitress #2

Jeanette Miller ..................... Old Woman

Murray Rubin ...................... Rubin

rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld

==================================================================

[Monk's]

GEORGE: When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?

JERRY: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.

GEORGE: How much was it?

JERRY: Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.

GEORGE: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

JERRY: Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.

GEORGE: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.

JERRY: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?

GEORGE: At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

JERRY: Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly.

ELAINE: (entering Monk's with her boyfriend) Oh, um... Darryl. These are... people I know. Jerry, George.

DARRYL: Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later.

ELAINE: OK.

JERRY: Still no Puddy?

ELAINE: Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?

JERRY: What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?

ELAINE: What black guy?

JERRY: Darryl. He's black, isn't he?

ELAINE: He is?

GEORGE: No, he isn't.

JERRY: Isn't he, Elaine?

ELAINE: You think?

GEORGE: I thought he looked Irish.

JERRY: What's his last name?

ELAINE: Nelson.

GEORGE: That's not Irish.

JERRY: I think he's black.

GEORGE: Should we be talkin' about this?

ELAINE: I think it's OK.

GEORGE: No, it isn't.

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE: Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.

JERRY: If he's black.

ELAINE: Is he black?

JERRY: Does it matter?

ELAINE: No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.

JERRY: Oh, so you need to know?

ELAINE: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.

WAITRESS: Should I take that?

JERRY: (getting out his wallet) Uh, one second.

ELAINE: (looking in her purse) Oh, here.

GEORGE: (pulling out some money) Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just... yeah.

(when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get out lots of money for her tip)

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: (on the phone) Uh, Mrs. Ross? It's-it's George.

MRS. ROSS: Uh, who?

GEORGE: George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.

MR. ROSS: (walking by Mrs. Ross) We're all out of lime juice. I told that woman to buy more.

MRS. ROSS: Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.

GEORGE: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.

MR. ROSS: (again walking by) I'm goin' back to bed.

MRS. ROSS: Thank you for calling, George.

GEORGE: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.

JERRY: House in the Hamptons?

GEORGE: Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

KRAMER: (enters) Well.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.

JERRY: Wow. What are we celebrating?

KRAMER: Uh, you remember my coffee table book?

JERRY: With the little legs?

KRAMER: That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.

GEORGE: How are they gonna make that book into a movie?

KRAMER: You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?

GEORGE: Yeah?

KRAMER: Independence Day?

GEORGE: Oh.

JERRY: How much are they payin' you?

KRAMER: Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.

JERRY: That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.

KRAMER: Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.

JERRY: From what?

KRAMER: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.

JERRY: (seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?

KRAMER: Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch.

JERRY & GEORGE: Ooh!

KRAMER: Well, it's not really gold.

JERRY & GEORGE: Aww.

[Darryl's Apartment]

(approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being played, and smiles knowingly)

ELAINE: (as Darryl opens his door) Hey.

DARRYL: Hey.

ELAINE: Great music.

DARRYL: Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. I hate it.

DARRYL: Yo, you! Turn it down!

ELAINE: Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance?

DARRYL: They're... African.

ELAINE: Right. African.

DARRYL: Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.

ELAINE: South Africa.

DARRYL: My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for obvious reasons. You know how it is.

ELAINE: Maybe.

[Street]

GEORGE: (to a street vender selling hot dogs) You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this.

(the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe George not being in the Hamptons, and move on)

GEORGE: I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time.

VENDER: Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?

GEORGE: Mmm... no.

[Florida- Seinfeld Condo]

MORTY: (Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!

JERRY: It's 5:30 in the morning!

HELEN: We let you sleep in.

JERRY: (handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.

MORTY: Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.

JERRY: What does that mean?

HELEN: Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.

MORTY: Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.

JERRY: Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.

MORTY: This looks like too much money.

JERRY: Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks.

MORTY: You think it's hot?

JERRY: Could be.

MORTY: Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer!

HELEN: I'm right here.

JERRY: And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.

MORTY: So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip?

JERRY: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.

MORTY: Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips.

HELEN: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.

KRAMER: (entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?

JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here?

KRAMER: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.

HELEN: Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.

KRAMER: Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.

JERRY: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.

JERRY: (getting looks from his parents) Not you. Older people.

HELEN: Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a feta cheese omelette?

KRAMER: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.

JERRY: If you feed him, he'll never leave.

HELEN: We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters?

KRAMER: (immaturely) I guess.

JERRY: I can't believe this.

KRAMER: I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?

[Monk's]

ELAINE: So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation?

GEORGE: Actually, I did have a thought.

ELAINE: Oh.

GEORGE: Why don't you just ask him?

ELAINE: (rudely and giving him a 'duh' look) Because, if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.

GEORGE: Maybe he's, um... mixed.

ELAINE: Is that the right word?

GEORGE: I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this.

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: (standing up) I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

ELAINE: (starting to leave) You know what, I'm leavin'.

GEORGE: Yeah.

ELAINE: I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. (seeing the Rosses entering Monk's) Oh. Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.

MRS. ROSS: Oh, you're George's friend.

MR. ROSS: We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his place in the Hamptons?

ELAINE: (laughing uproariously) The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh... I don't think so. Have a good one.

GEORGE: Rosses.

MR. ROSS: George, we were just talking about you.

GEORGE: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.

MRS. ROSS: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah, I may move out there. (getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses) I mean it, I'll do it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!

[Florida- Restaurant]

MORTY: (eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator.

JERRY: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.

MORTY: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. (trying to open it) I can't get it open.

(Jerry easily opens it)

HELEN: Yay! Jerry got it open.

MORTY: The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?

JERRY: (looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents.

MORTY: We'll round down.

HELEN: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.

JERRY: Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.

MORTY: I was never impeached! I resigned!

HELEN: Even so, the press would bury him!

JERRY: What press?

HELEN: The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.

MORTY: Pinko Commie rag.

[Florida- clubhouse]

OLD MAN: (coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.

JERRY: She's fifty.

OLD MAN: You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man.

KRAMER: All right, I'll see you guys.

OLD MAN: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next to him, staring at his face)

KRAMER: (taping Morty's glasses) Morty, what're you lookin' at?

MORTY: I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three.

KRAMER: Hmm.

[Darryl's Apartment]

DARRYL: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard!

(Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)

DARRYL: Wow, it's got so many functions.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...

DARRYL: Well, I don't do that stuff.

ELAINE: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, here's one: race.

DARRYL: Isn't that optional?

ELAINE: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know.

DARRYL: All right, I'm... Asian.

ELAINE: What?

DARRYL: Just to mess with 'em.

ELAINE: laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one.

DARRYL: Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand.

ELAINE: Really?

DARRYL: Does that matter?

ELAINE: No, but... it is very nice to know.

[Florida- Seinfeld Condo]

JERRY: (in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know.

ELAINE: (in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.

JERRY: (as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.

ELAINE: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?

JERRY: Yeah, it's all my father's doing.

(Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry to hand him a magazine from the table)

JERRY: He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

ELAINE: Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?

JERRY: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

GEORGE: (entering Jerry's apartment) Jerry?

ELAINE: (to George) He's still down with his folks.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) What are you doin' here?

JERRY: (overhearing the other two: Elaine, Elaine--

ELAINE: (to George) I'm gettin' his mail.

JERRY: (overhearing the other two) Oh, no.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) He asked you to get the mail?

ELAINE: (to George) Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: (taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?

JERRY: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

ELAINE: (trying to understand what they're talking about) What?

GEORGE: What about the mail?

JERRY: This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.

GEORGE: (hanging up) All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.

[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, I ran into the Rosses again.

ELAINE: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?

GEORGE: From me.

ELAINE: What did you say?

GEORGE: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?

ELAINE: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.

GEORGE: So, they knew? Those liars!

ELAINE: But you lied first.

GEORGE: Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar!

ELAINE: Like you're a liar!

GEORGE: Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?

ELAINE: So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over.

GEORGE: Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.

ELAINE: Haven't you done enough to these people?

GEORGE: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

(Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)

[Florida- Kramer Campaigning]

KRAMER: (to a room) Vote for Kramer. (to a man walking by) Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for condo president. I'd like your vote. Thanks. (to an old woman) Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is a vote for Kramer.

OLD WOMAN: Will you cut my meat?

KRAMER: Gladly.

[Monk's]

WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Coffee?

DARRYL: Sure.

WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Are you black? Or should I bring some cream.

DARRYL: I'm black. (re-thinking) Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. (seeing a couple gesturing towards him and Elaine) Did you hear that?

ELAINE: What?

DARRYL: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.

ELAINE: Interracial? Us?

DARRYL: Isn't that unbelievable!?

ELAINE: Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism!

DARRYL: I don't feel like eating.

ELAINE: Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club.

[Outside the Ross']

GEORGE: So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.

MRS. ROSS: Sounds grand.

GEORGE: Do you have your bathing suits?

MR. ROSS: It's March.

GEORGE: Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!

[Florida-Seinfeld Condo]

JERRY: (in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different.

KRAMER: Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them.

MORTY: (coming into the hall) This is the home stretch. Tomorrow's the election!

KRAMER: Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.

JERRY: You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.

MORTY: Daily what?

HELEN: (coming into the condo) Have you read today's Boca Breeze?

KRAMER: (looking at the newsletter) Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? (reading out loud) Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot in clubhouse.

MORTY: Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the rules.

KRAMER: Well, I couldn't find my shoes.

JERRY: Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.

HELEN: Who wants hot chocolate?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah! Me.

MORTY: This is a huge scandal! We need damage control.

KRAMER: All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?

JERRY: Wizards!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.

JERRY: Kramer...

MORTY: There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that deal.

KRAMER: Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?

MORTY: (rushing to his bedroom) First, I need a nap.

HELEN: (running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!

JERRY: Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.

KRAMER: Well, what about your deal, huh?

JERRY: I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?

KRAMER: Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.

JERRY: Down here?

KRAMER: Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.

[George's Car]

George, driving in the car with the Rosses) And that leads into the master bedroom.

MRS. ROSS: Tell us more.

GEORGE: You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.

MR. ROSS: Another solarium?

GEORGE: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too?

MR. ROSS: What are their names?

GEORGE: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?

MRS. ROSS: Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.

GEORGE: (chuckling to himself) Housewarming gift. (swerving the car to go to the antique stand) All right, we're taking it up a notch!

[Monk's]

WAITRESS: (handing Elaine a menu) Here you go.

ELAINE: (to the black waitress) Long day?

WAITRESS: Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.

ELAINE: I hear ya, Sister.

WAITRESS: Sister?

ELAINE: (as Darryl comes into Monk's) Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See?

DARRYL: Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

WAITRESS: He's black?

ELAINE: Yeah.

DARRYL: I'm black?

ELAINE: Aren't you?

WAITRESS: (leaving) I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.

DARRYL: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.

DARRYL: We are. Because you're Hispanic.

ELAINE: I am?

DARRYL: Aren't you?

ELAINE: No. Why would you think that?

DARRYL: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.

ELAINE: That's because I thought you were black.

DARRYL: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?

ELAINE: I don't think we should be talking about this.

DARRYL: So, what are you?

ELAINE: I'm white.

DARRYL: So, we're just a couple of white people?

ELAINE: I guess.

DARRYL: Oh.

ELAINE: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?

DARRYL: (leaving with Elaine) Sure.

[Florida-Seinfeld Condo]

KRAMER: (having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.

JERRY: Aw.

MORTY: Congratulations, Mr. President.

KRAMER: Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.

OLD MAN: Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators?

MORTY: What are you talking about?

OLD MAN: It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT.

MORTY: This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.

JERRY: A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!

OLD MAN #2: Mine doesn't have a seven!

OLD MAN #3: I'm ruined!

MORTY: Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?

JERRY: Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.

MORTY: You didn't have a deal?

JERRY: No deal. Not hot.

OLD MAN: Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.

KRAMER: What?

OLD MAN: Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.

KRAMER: (getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.

JERRY: Dad, I'm sorry.

MORTY: You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?!

JERRY: It does other things!

[Outside George's Car on a beach]

MR. ROSS: Where are we, George?

GEORGE: Almost there.

MR. ROSS: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?

GEORGE: We, uh, we go on foot from here.

MR. ROSS: All right.

GEORGE: There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.

MR. ROSS: We know.

GEORGE: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?

MRS. ROSS: We don't like you, George.

MR. ROSS: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.

GEORGE: Oh.

MR. ROSS: All right! Let's head back.

The End

S9E16 - The Burning

Broadcast date: March 19, 1998

Written by Jennifer Crittenden

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Von Bargen ............... Kruger

Cindy Ambuehl .................... Sophie

Henry Woronicz .................. Father Curtis

Ursaline Bryant .................... Dr. Wexler

Daniel Dae Kim .................... Student #1

Alex Craig Mann .................. Student #2

Brian Posehn ....................... Artie

Alec Holland ........................ Co-Worker #1

Suli McCullough ................... Co-Worker #2

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

rc: Danny Woodburn ........... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

[Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute instructions.]

PUDDY: Alright, be careful with the car, babe.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah.

PUDDY: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.

ELAINE: Goodbye?

PUDDY: Two and ten, babe.

ELAINE: Okay.

PUDDY: Don't peel out.

ELAINE: I won't.

(Elaine peels out and turns on the car stereo. She hears: "Jesus is one, Jesus is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns off the radio.)

ELAINE: Jesus?

[Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.]

KRUGER: According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?

GEORGE: Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.

KRUGER: Works for me. Good thinking, George.

CO-WORKER #1: Alright, George.

CO-WORKER #2: Way to go man.

GEORGE: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."

KRUGER: Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.

CO-WORKER #1: Good one.

CO-WORKER #2: That was bad.

[George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.

JERRY: And then?

GEORGE: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.

JERRY: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.

GEORGE: I can't just leave.

JERRY: That's the way they do it in Vegas.

GEORGE: You never played Vegas.

JERRY: I hear things.

(Elaine enters and has a seat.)

ELAINE: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.

GEORGE: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

ELAINE: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?

JERRY: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.

ELAINE: Yes, he is lazy.

JERRY: Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.

ELAINE: Yes, he is dumb.

JERRY: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?

ELAINE: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

GEORGE: Tell you how you could check.

ELAINE: How?

GEORGE: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.

JERRY: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's.

GEORGE: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.

JERRY: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.

GEORGE: Well that's the gist of it!

ELAINE: Quiet! So where is this Sophie?

JERRY: Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.

ELAINE: How long have you two been together?

JERRY: I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?

ELAINE & GEORGE: Nah.

(Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.)

GEORGE: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?

ELAINE: I needed to move a bureau.

[Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?

MICKEY: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.

KRAMER: Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that.

MICKEY: Aah-choo.

KRAMER: A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.

JERRY: What's with the fake sneezing?

KRAMER: Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing.

MICKEY: They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig.

JERRY: Do medical schools actually do this?

KRAMER: Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.

KRAMER & MICKEY: HUAAHHH!!

JERRY: I think the phone is ringing.

KRAMER & MICKEY: HUAAHHH!!

JERRY: Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?

KRAMER: Mickey, DTs.

(Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.)

JERRY: Hello?

SOPHIE: Hey. It's me.

JERRY: Elaine?

SOPHIE: No, it's me.

JERRY: George??

SOPHIE: Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.

JERRY: Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: You got any Ipecac?

JERRY: Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this.

KRAMER: No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.

JERRY: Did he overdose?

KRAMER: No, it's just too much.

[Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.]

KRUGER: ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.

GEORGE: Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?

(Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.)

GEORGE: (getting up and leaving) Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.

[Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to a group of people, Mickey and Kramer included.]

DR. WEXLER: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.

MICKEY: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!

KRAMER: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?

MICKEY: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything.

KRAMER (to the man beside him) Howbout you, do you wanna trade?

MAN: Sure.

KRAMER: Okay, what do you got?

MAN: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.

KRAMER: Good luck with that.

[George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.

JERRY: What did you do the rest of the day?

GEORGE: I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?

JERRY: And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hello boys.

GEORGE: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?

ELAINE: I did.

GEORGE: And the Christian rock?

ELAINE: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!

GEORGE: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?

JERRY: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?

ELAINE: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.

GEORGE: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.

JERRY: I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.

ELAINE: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?

JERRY: I thought so.

ELAINE: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".

GEORGE: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Well, I got gonorrhea.

ELAINE: That seems about right.

KRAMER: That's what they gave me.

GEORGE: They? The Government?

JERRY: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.

KRAMER: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.

GEORGE: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.

(The other three start laughing.)

GEORGE: (leaving) Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.

ELAINE: What was that?

JERRY: Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.

KRAMER: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.

JERRY: Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.

KRAMER: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.

[Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students.]

STUDENT #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?

KRAMER: Just a little burning during urination.

STUDENT #1: Okay, any other pain?

KRAMER: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.

STUDENT #1: Gonorrhea?!

KRAMER: Gonorrhea!

(The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights and Kramer takes a bow.)

[Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his phone messages.]

JERRY: One message. Hope it's not from you.

ANSWERING MACHINE: "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."

JERRY: Sophie.

GEORGE: She's still doing that?

JERRY: Yep.

GEORGE: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.

JERRY: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".

GEORGE: What the hell is a gander, anyway?

JERRY: (picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.

SOPHIE: Hey Raef.

JERRY: (to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.

GEORGE: Good, let her think it.

JERRY: (into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?

SOPHIE: Not a lot.

GEORGE: Ask about you, ask about you.

JERRY: So, uh, how are things with Jerry?

SOPHIE: Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story.

JERRY: Right, right, the tractor story.

SOPHIE: Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.

JERRY: I sound funny?

GEORGE: Abort! Abort!

JERRY: Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?

GEORGE: That was very real.

JERRY: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.

GEORGE: Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?

JERRY: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?

[Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.]

ELAINE: So where do you wanna eat?

PUDDY: Feels like an Arby's night.

ELAINE: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?

PUDDY: Yes.

ELAINE: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?

PUDDY: That's right.

ELAINE: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?

PUDDY: Not for me.

ELAINE: Why not?

PUDDY: I'm not the one going to hell.

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.

JERRY: No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.

GEORGE: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?

JERRY: No, she looks completely normal.

GEORGE: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.

JERRY: You think she's got toes for thumbs?

GEORGE: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Hands a little smelly?

JERRY: Why do I seek your counsel?

(Elaine walks in.)

ELAINE: Well I'm going to hell.

JERRY: That seems about right.

ELAINE: According to Puddy.

JERRY: Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--

ELAINE: I'm not in the mood.

GEORGE: (To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.

JERRY: What do you care? You don't believe in hell.

ELAINE: I know, but he does.

JERRY: So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.

ELAINE: Well, relationships are very important to me.

JERRY: Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.

GEORGE: (to the waitress bringing his doughnut) And a slice of devil's food cake.

[Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.]

GEORGE: Hey. Where is everyone?

KRUGER: They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man.

GEORGE: I am?

KRUGER: I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.

GEORGE: This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders.

KRUGER: Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.

GEORGE: Okay.

KRUGER: George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) Three times around, no feet.

GEORGE: And?

KRUGER: All me.

[Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.]

DR. WEXLER: Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.

KRAMER: Oh, thank you.

MICKEY: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! What did you get?

KRAMER: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week.

DR. WEXLER: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.

KRAMER: I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.

[Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.]

SOPHIE: I move my knight... here. Check.

JERRY: They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.

SOPHIE: Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?

JERRY: Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.

SOPHIE: Bought the farm?

JERRY: Tractor!

SOPHIE: This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.

JERRY: Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.

(Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods knowingly.)

[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: A scar?

JERRY: A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?

GEORGE: A tractor.

JERRY: I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.

GEORGE: I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.

JERRY: She doesn't have toe thumbs.

GEORGE: Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--

JERRY: Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?

GEORGE: Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?

KRUGER: I'm not too worried about it.

GEORGE: Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox?

KRUGER: Alright, alright I'm going.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?

JERRY: Never.

[Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's a newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.]

PUDDY: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one.

ELAINE: 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.

PUDDY: C'mon, get it.

ELAINE: Well if you want it, you get it.

PUDDY: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.

ELAINE: Oh, but it's ok for me?

PUDDY: What do you care, you know where you're going.

ELAINE: Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.

PUDDY: Nah.

ELAINE: C'mon.

PUDDY: Alright, what did I do?

ELAINE: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?

PUDDY: Gonna be rough.

ELAINE: Uh, you should be trying to save me!

PUDDY: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.

ELAINE: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.

PUDDY: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?

ELAINE: Yeah, that's right!

(Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns' and she emits a gutteral growling sound.)

[Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part.]

MICKEY: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?

DR. WEXLER: Mr. Kramer? You're up.

(Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.)

MICKEY: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?

KRAMER: Well, we'll see.

STUDENT #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: (pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.

MICKEY: Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.

(They fall to the floor, wrestling.)

STUDENT #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?

[Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.]

FATHER CURTIS: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.

ELAINE & PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.

FATHER CURTIS: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty--

ELAINE (Interrupting) Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here.

FATHER CURTIS: You aren't?

PUDDY: No.

ELAINE: We're just, you know, having a good time.

FATHER CURTIS: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.

PUDDY: No way, this is bogus, man!

ELAINE: Well, thank you father.

FATHER CURTIS: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng to the devil by the coffee machine?

PUDDY: I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.

ELAINE: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.

(Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment and Father Curtis joins in.)

[Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.]

SOPHIE: You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.

JERRY: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.

SOPHIE: How could you know?

JERRY: (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.

(Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.)

KRAMER: ...I didn't say that, no.

MICKEY: You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!

KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.

JERRY: Hey, hey! I'm with someone.

KRAMER: Oh. Hello.

SOPHIE: No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.

KRAMER: (to Mickey) You know? She's right.

SOPHIE: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

JERRY: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call that your tractor story??

KRAMER: You can't get it from that.

SOPHIE: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

JERRY: (walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.

[Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working, Mr. Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is percolating.]

GEORGE: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?

KRUGER: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.

GEORGE: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!

KRUGER: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger!

GEORGE: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!

KRUGER: (getting up to leave) Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me.

GEORGE: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!

KRUGER: It's K-uger!

GEORGE: No! No!

KRUGER: Goodnight everybody!

The End

Dedication: In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.

S9E17 - The Bookstore

Broadcast date: April 9, 1998

Written by Spike Feresten

Story by Spike Feresten and Darin Henry & Marc Jaffe

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jonathan Penner ................. Zach

Ted Rooney ........................ Crichton

John Gries ........................... Rusty

Sonya Eddy ........................ Rebecca DeMornay

Merrin Dungey ................... Cashier

Kevin Ruf ........................... Security Guard

Heather Morgan ................ Server

Lauren Bowles ................... Waitress

Mark Daniel Cade .............. Walter

Sloppy Joe .......................... Hobo Joe

rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman

rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld

rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld

rc: John O'Hurley ............... J. Peterman

rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================

[Setting: Bookstore]

(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)

GEORGE: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.

JERRY: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody.

(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book)

KRAMER: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..

JERRY: (Sarcastic) You better hurry.

GEORGE: I'm gonna hit the head.

KRAMER: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in)

KRAMER: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.

JERRY: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?

KRAMER: (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.

JERRY: (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.

KRAMER: Oh? Who's Leo?

JERRY: Uncle Leo.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..

(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)

JERRY: Did I just see that?!

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh?

[Setting: The Annual Peterman Party]

(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes up to her)

WALTER: (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year?

ELAINE: Maybe.. All over your face!

(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)

WAITER: If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year.

(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman giving a toast)

PETERMAN: My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)

(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down at Elaine's table)

ZACH: Hi, I'm Zach.

ELAINE: Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)

[Setting: Bookstore]

(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)

MANAGER: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?

GEORGE: (Acting innocent) I'm all set.

MANAGER: (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?

GEORGE: (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear?

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)

GEORGE: They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.

GEORGE: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!

JERRY: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

GEORGE: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-

JERRY: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.

GEORGE: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?

JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.

GEORGE: (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!

(Elaine enters and sits down)

JERRY: Sleeping in the caragain?

ELAINE: Cocktail flu.

JERRY: (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..

GEORGE: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?

ELAINE: (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many..

GEORGE: You went home with him?

ELAINE: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!

JERRY: (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?

ELAINE: (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?

JERRY: (Confused) What's your position?

ELAINE: I am an associate.

GEORGE: Hey, me too.

(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)

WAITRESS: Yeah, me too.

ELAINE: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.

GEORGE: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.

ELAINE: (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.

JERRY: (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a conference at his table)

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?

KRAMER: (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.

NEWMAN: (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.

KRAMER: Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.

KRAMER: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..

JERRY: (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.

NEWMAN: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!

JERRY: Yes, it can.

KRAMER: We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet!

NEWMAN: It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.

JERRY: So, who's gonna pull this thing?

(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)

KRAMER: (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.

NEWMAN: Yeah, but I though-

KRAMER: (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.

JERRY: (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?

KRAMER: (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?

NEWMAN: Can't we worry about them later?

KRAMER: (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.

NEWMAN: (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street..

KRAMER: They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)

LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.

JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?

JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.

LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

JERRY: Who, criminals?

LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.

JERRY: You could get arrested.

LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?

JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..

LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?!

[Setting: Peterman office building hallway]

ELAINE: (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?

WALTER: Well..

ELAINE: "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.

(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making out with another co-worker)

ELAINE: (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..

WALTER: (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach?

ELAINE: Yeah.

WALTER: Aren't you upset?

ELAINE: (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!

[Setting: NYC street]

(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by are three homeless guys in a line)

KRAMER: Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit.

(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)

HOMELESS MAN: The government!

KRAMER: (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body.

(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..

NEWMAN: Alright, who's first?

(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)

KRMAER: Hey.

NEWMAN: Name, please.

HOMELESS MAN: Rusty.

NEWMAN: (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.

KRAMER: (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence.

NEWMAN: (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go!

(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)

KRAMER: (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form.

NEWMAN: (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.

(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)

KRAMER: Hey, what's he doin'?

NEWMAN: I think he stealing our rickshaw!

KRAMER: Well, then, he's out!

(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing in line - alone)

HOMELESS MAN 2: (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!"

[Setting: Bookstore]

(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return the book)

GEORGE: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.

CASHIER: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.

GEORGE: Why not?

CASHIER: It's been flagged.

GEORGE: (Confused) Flagged?

CASHIER: It's been in the bathroom.

GEORGE: It says that on the computer?

CASHIER: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.

GEORGE: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!

(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book)

JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..

GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.

JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!

(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!

GUARD: You're under arrest.

JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!

JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?

LEO: Hello.

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)

JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.

HELEN: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

JERRY: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.

MORTY: She's got priors.

JERRY: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?

HELEN: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

MORTY: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.

JERRY: (Confused) What does that mean?

HELEN: Nobody pays for everyting.

JERRY: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!

MORTY: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.

JERRY: Mom, you too?

HELEN: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

(Kramer and Newman both enter)

JERRY: Alright, I'll talk to you later.

KRAMER: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.

JERRY: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.

KRAMER: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.

NEWMAN: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.

(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)

JERRY: To the Idiotmobile!

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)

JERRY: So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?

ELAINE: That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-

JERRY: (Butting in) Tina Turner?

ELAINE: (Accepting) Alright.

(George enters with his large art book)

GEORGE: Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!

JERRY: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?

GEORGE: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.

JERRY: (Stern on George) Not underpants.

ELAINE: Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)

JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.

JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.

LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!

JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through it)

ELAINE: French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book?

GEORGE: Nothing.

ELAINE: How much do you want for it?

GEORGE: You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.

(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at the booth)

JERRY: Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?

GEORGE: (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.

JERRY: (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.

ELAINE: (Confused) What is wrong with this book?

GEORGE: Simmer!

JERRY: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-

ELAINE: (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands)

GEORGE: (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?

JERRY: I don't read in the bathroom.

GEORGE: Well, aren't you something?

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Peterman walks in)

PETERMAN: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.

ELAINE: (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.

PETERMAN: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?

ELAINE: (Confused) Love newton?

PETERMAN: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.

ELAINE: An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!

PETERMAN: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.

ELAINE: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!

PETERMAN: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side.

ELAINE: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-

PETERMAN: (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep)

HELEN: It was a crime of passion.

LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.

(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison NOTE The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear")

LEO: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it)

JERRY: Hello?

ELAINE: Hey, it's me.

JERRY: Uncle Leo?

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?

JERRY: Nightmares. You?

ELAINE: My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.

ZACH: (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine!

ELAINE: Eat your soup!

JERRY: You're not feeding him, are you?

ELAINE: Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go.

(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy.

JERRY: (Scared) Ah! Kramer!

KRAMER: I thought I heard you.

JERRY: Get out of here!

NEWMAN: (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.

JERRY: Will everybody please leave?!

NEWMAN: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.

KRAMER: Our rickshaw?

NEWMAN: It's entirely possible.

JERRY: I want everyone out!

KRAMER: (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.

NEWMAN: (To Jerry) Good night.

JERRY: (Bitter) Good night, Newman.

[Setting: Park]

(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)

NEWMAN: There it is!

KRAMER: Rusty!

RUSTY: Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job?

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.

NEWMAN: Uh..

KRAMER: What?

NEWMAN: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.

KRAMER: Yes, that's true.

NEWMAN: So, which one of us is gonna pull?

KRAMER: Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..

NEWMAN: (Realizing he won) Yeah.

KRAMER: Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..

(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)

NEMWAN: Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling!

[Setting: A homeless charity center]

(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her muffin stumps in episode "The Muffin Tops")

REBECCA: (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity?

GEORGE: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.

REBECCA: What's the value of the book?

GEORGE: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.

REBECCA: (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.

GEORGE: Oh.

REBECCA: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom.

GEORGE: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous.

REBECCA: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!

GEORGE: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?

REBECCA: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!

GEORGE: I could take it in merchandise..

REBECCA: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..

(George grabs his book and runs for his life)

[Setting: Bookstore]

(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking with the cashier while checking out a book)

ELAINE: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?

CASHIER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Great.

JERRY: (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?

ELAINE: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.

JERRY: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.

ELAIEN: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho.

(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)

ELAINE: (Leaving Jerry) See ya.

JERRY: (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

[Setting: NYC Street]

(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)

NEWMAN: Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!

KRAMER: (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest)

NEWMAN: Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.

KRAMER: (Stretching) Oh..

(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)

NEWMAN: (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!

(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes an attempt to chase it)

KRAMER: Woah! Wait!

NEWMAN: Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!

(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)

ZACH: (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life!

(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)

NEWMAN: Waaaaahhhh!

(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, then running away from the crushed rickshaw)

[Setting: Bookstore]

(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George enter)

JERRY: George? What are you doin' here?

GEORGE: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.

JERRY: (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.

GEORGE: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.

JERRY: (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?

GEORGE: I'm goin' in!

(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks up to Jerry)

MANAGER: Did you want to speak with the manager?

JERRY: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..

MANAGER: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.

JERRY: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.

MANAGER: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.

JERRY: So it could be anyone?

MANAGER: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.

(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent)

JERRY: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!

(George is instantly surrounded by guards)

GEORGE: No! Jerry!

The End

S9E18 - The Frogger

Broadcast date: April 23, 1998

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin

Story by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin and Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Julia Campbell ...................... Lisi

Peter Stormare .................... Slippery Pete

Reuven Bar ......................... Shlomo

Sam Shamshak .................... Sal

Wayne Wilderson ............... Walter

Mark Daniel Cade ............... Other Walter

Jack Esformes ..................... Mike

Melissa Denton ................... Kobe

Oliver Muirhead ................. Lubeck

Drake Bell ........................... Kenny

rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

==================================================================

[INT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY]

(Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has a cake sitting on it.)

ALL (singing): Happy birthday to you.

WALTER: Thanks.

(Everyone claps.)

FEMALE WORKER: Elaine, cake?

ELAINE: Uh, no, thanks.

FEMALE WORKER: It's Walter's special day.

ELAINE: You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.

(Elaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but is stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters.)

MALE WORKER: Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate.

ELAINE: It's his birthday and it's his last day?

MALE WORKER: This is other-Walter, from returns.

(Other-Walter enters followed by more co-workers.)

OTHER-WALTER: Hey, what's going on here?

ALL: Surprise!

OTHER-WALTER: Oh guys.

(Elaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her.)

OTHER-WALTER: Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.

ELAINE: All right, pile it on.

ALL (singing, competing): For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...

(Elaine looks on frustrated.)

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo.)

JERRY: What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?

ELAINE: It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?

JERRY: Why aren't you there now?

ELAINE: I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.

(They sit on the sofa.)

JERRY: You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.

ELAINE: Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..

JERRY: Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?

ELAINE: Your old high school hangout? Why?

JERRY: They're closing. We're going for one last slice.

(Kramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police tape.)

KRAMER: Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.

(Jerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some of the tape.)

KRAMER: Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.

JERRY: Where did you get this?

KRAMER: Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.

JERRY: You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?

KRAMER: They want to know why they never see you.

(Kramer ties a piece of tape around a banana.)

KRAMER: I'm gonna eat that later.

JERRY: So they just gave you this?

KRAMER: Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.

ELAINE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?

KRAMER: Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.

JERRY: How come I haven't read about this?

KRAMER: Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.

ELAINE: Really? What're the other titles?

KRAMER: Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.

JERRY: Son of dad?

KRAMER: Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.

[INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY]

GEORGE: Mario's Pizza.

(George and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder man, stands behind the counter.)

GEORGE: Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?

MARIO: No.

JERRY: We used to come in every day.

MARIO: So where ya been? We're tanking here.

GEORGE: We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.

MARIO: Oh, thanks. That'll save us.

JERRY: All right, make it the large sodas.

(George and Jerry walk across the room.)

GEORGE: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.

(They walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger.)

JERRY: Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.

GEORGE: Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!

(The boy loses.)

BOY: Thanks a lot.

GEORGE: Ah, beat it, punk.

(The boy exits.)

JERRY: Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

GEORGE: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.

JERRY: I remember that night.

GEORGE: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

MARIO: Here's your pizza pea brains.

JERRY: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

GEORGE: Yeah.

[INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen.)

ELAINE (thinking): This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?

(There's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with a cake.)

ELAINE: What is this?

MALE WORKER: You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake.

FEMALE WORKER: It's carrot. It's good for you.

WORKERS (singing): Get well get well soon, we wish you to get--

ELAINE: Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?

MALE WORKER: I think it's nice.

ELAINE: What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!

(Another worker enters late.)

WORKER (singing): Get well, get well soon--

MALE WORKER: It's not happening.

(They all start to leave disappointed.)

BECKY: Can we still it eat?

[INT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT]

(Jerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth.)

JERRY: I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--

LISI: End under water?

JERRY: Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--

LISI: So much more violent.

JERRY: Not as long.

LISI: Well, I should probably--

JERRY: Get going.

LISI: Yeah.

(They both stand.)

JERRY: Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--

LISI: Eight tomorrow?

JERRY: Actually, that's--

LISI: What you were thinking.

JERRY: Right.

(Lisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters.)

GEORGE: Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--

JERRY: Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?

(They both sit down at their booth.)

GEORGE: Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.

JERRY: Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.

GEORGE: So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?

JERRY: Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.

GEORGE: You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!

(George gets up and leaves in a huff.)

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

KRAMER: Well, more bad news Jerry.

(Kramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George is sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone book is in front of him.)

KRAMER: You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.

JERRY: Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.

KRAMER: Not as many as there used to be.

GEORGE: No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?

(Kramer peels and eats an orange.)

KRAMER: You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.

JERRY: Another friend?

KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.

GEORGE: Well, is he good, Kramer?

(George gets up and walks towards Kramer.)

KRAMER: Oh, he's the best...and the worst.

GEORGE: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

KRAMER: Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.

GEORGE: Slippery Pete?

KRAMER: Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.

GEORGE: All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!

(George grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings. Jerry tries to get by Kramer.)

JERRY: Come on.

KRAMER: Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.

(Jerry picks up the phone.)

JERRY: Hello?

[INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S APARTMENT]

(Elaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser.)

ELAINE: So how's it going with my friend?

JERRY: She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.

(People can be heard singing "Happy Birthday" in the background of Elaine's office.)

JERRY: What is that?

ELAINE: Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.

JERRY: So join in.

ELAINE: I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.

JERRY: All right.

(Jerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around a broken egg on the floor.)

JERRY: Hey, wh-what--

KRAMER: Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.

(Kramer leaves.)

[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine knocks on the open door.)

ELAINE: Anybody here? Peterboy?

(No one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it, and takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake.)

ELAINE: Ooh, it's a cake walk.

(She takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman can be heard singing.)

PETERMAN (singing): Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well.

(Elaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman enters his office.)

PETERMAN: Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, um--

PETERMAN: We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?

ELAINE: No, sir, I can't.

PETERMAN: Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000.

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT]

(Jerry and Lisi walk along.)

JERRY: Well Lisi, that was another-

LISI: Lovely evening.

JERRY: Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--

LISI: Go for a hansom cab ride?

JERRY: Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?

LISI: 84th street, right off Riverside Park.

JERRY: Riverside Park.

(Jerry grabs Lisi and turns around.)

LISI: I thought we were going--

JERRY: Back to my place. That's right.

[EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(George and Jerry are sitting on the sofa.)

GEORGE: So you slept with her?

JERRY: She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.

GEORGE: And you automatically sleep with her?

JERRY: Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--

GEORGE: Finished your thought.

(George gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Guess what I ate.

GEORGE: An ostrich burger.

ELAINE: No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.

JERRY: How'd it taste?

ELAINE: A little stale.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE (nudges Elaine with his elbow): So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?

ELAINE (nudges George with her elbow): No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.

GEORGE: You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.

(Jerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table.)

ELAINE: Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.

JERRY: Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.

ELAINE: What is going on with you two?

JERRY: Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.

GEORGE: What's that?

(Elaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie.)

ELAINE: 4:00 sugar fix.

JERRY: Well, I'm calling this off right now.

ELAINE: No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.

JERRY: Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.

ELAINE: Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.

(Elaine bites the head of her gingerbread man.)

[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

ELAINE: Just a little off the side...

(Elaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box.)

ELAINE: Well, no point in wasting $1,200.

(She eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to play. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures in the room.)

ELAINE (thinking): Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?

(She gets more cake.)

[INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY]

GEORGE: Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.

(George, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth.)

GEORGE: Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.

SHLOMO: I don't know If I'm the best.

GEORGE: Oh...you're very good.

SHLOMO: Let's say "good."

GEORGE: Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.

KRAMER: Lock and load.

SLIPPERY PETE: You think you can handle that, numb nuts?

KRAMER: All right, all right, come on, now.

SLIPPERY PETE: That was my mail-order bride.

KRAMER: Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.

SLIPPERY PETE: It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.

KRAMER: You weren't even married yet.

GEORGE: All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.

(George gets a napkin and starts to draw on it.)

GEORGE: Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.

SHLOMO: So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught?

GEORGE: What do you mean?

SLIPPERY PETE: We're stealing this thing, right?

GEORGE: No. I--I paid for it.

SLIPPERY PETE: I thought we were stealing it.

KRAMER: Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.

GEORGE: We're not stealing it.

SHLOMO: I definitely thought we're stealing it.

GEORGE: All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?

SLIPPERY PETE: Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?

GEORGE: Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.

SLIPPERY PETE: What's that?

GEORGE: The outlet?

SLIPPERY PETE: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: That's where the electricity comes out.

SLIPPERT PETE: Oh, you mean the holes.

SHLOMO: Which one's the bathroom?

GEORGE: Uh, here.

SHLOMO: They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.

GEORGE: The Frogger is here.

KRAMER: George, I thought that was the door.

SLIPPERY PETE: Where are all the pizza ovens?

SHLOMO: I thought the bathroom was here.

[INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY]

(George, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the same places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time they are around a table at Mario's.)

GEORGE: All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.

[INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY]

ELAINE: I need to replace an antique piece of cake.

(Elaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book open in front of her.)

ELAINE: Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.

(The waitress leaves and Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.

ELAINE: Do any of these look close?

KRAMER: No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.

ELAINE: Entenmann's? From the supermarket?

KRAMER: Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.

[INT. LISI'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(There's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding a baseball bat.)

JERRY: Hi, Lisi.

LISI: Hi, honey. Is that a bat?

JERRY: Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.

LISI: So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?

JERRY: Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.

MONTAGE:

(Lisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her.)

JERRY: Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?

(Both Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his hands.)

LISI: Then may I say something... without being interrupted?

(Lisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in the hallway and is talking to her through the door.)

JERRY: Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.

(They are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything Lisi mumbles.)

LISI: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...

(Now Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him.)

LISI: Are you afraid to kiss me in public?

JERRY: Have we even been in public?

(Jerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him.)

LISI: So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.

(Lisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder.)

JERRY: You are not dumb. Don't say that..

(They both sit around the coffee table eating beans.)

JERRY: These beans are pretty good.

LISI: 20 minutes.

(Now Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in the hallway.)

JERRY: Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!

(Jerry opens the door.)

JERRY: Nice to meet ya!

(Jerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind.)

LISI: Boy, did your mother do a number on you.

(Lisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other side of the couch.)

LISI: Fine. So it's over.

JERRY: Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?

LISI: 9:30.

JERRY: We've been breaking up for 10 hours?

LISI: Good-bye, Jerry.

JERRY: Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.

LISI: Out!

[EXT. LISI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Jerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously before walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure walking towards him holding something resembling a head in one hand and a knife in the other.)

JERRY: Lopper.

(He quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her intercom system.)

JERRY: Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!

(She buzzes him up. Just as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually Slippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires)

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Jerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying rope.)

GEORGE: Jerry, you came for the big moment.

JERRY: No. I'm waiting for...

GEORGE: Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.

JERRY: Oh. Sounds great.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.

JERRY: Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.

GEORGE: Where?

(Lisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet.)

LISI: Look what I found. I got one for you, too.

(She puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head.)

JERRY: Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?

LISI: Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.

(Lisi leaves.)

JERRY: A long, long weekend.

GEORGE: I hear thee.

[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty Entenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman enters with another man.)

PETERMAN: Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.

ELAINE: Oh, hello.

LUBECK: Charmed.

(Mr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge.)

PETERMAN: All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.

ELAINE: I guess I'll just--

PETERMAN: Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.

(Lubeck inspects the cake.)

PETERMAN: All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?

LUBECK: I'd say about 219.

PETERMAN: Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000.

LUBECK: No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.

PETERMAN: Do they have a castle at Windsor?

LUBECK: No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle.

PETERMAN: Oh, good lord.

LUBECK: You all right, Peterman? You look ill.

ELAINE (singing): Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(George and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing outside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger.)

GEORGE: What are you guys doing?

SHLOMO: Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!

GEORGE: You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.

SLIPPERY PETE: The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left.

GEORGE: Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria

KRAMER: George, they closed up.

GEORGE: I need an outlet!

SLIPPERY PETE: A what?

GEORGE: Holes! I need holes!

KRAMER: The pharmacy's still open.

GEORGE: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.

(Shlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy.)

SLIPPERY PETE (to George): You owe me a quarter.

GEORGE (to Jerry): Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!

(Kramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic. He runs out of tape before he can get halfway.)

KRAMER: Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!

JERRY: Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.

JERRY: By yourself?

GEORGE: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

(George pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the sky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes of traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play.)

SHLOMO: He looks like a Frog.

SLIPPERY PETE: So do you.

(George makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down the street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk, but can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the truck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto the sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed.)

JERRY: Game over.

[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Mr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks and enters.)

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?

PETERMAN: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.

ELAINE: Ohh...

PETERMAN: Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this.

(Mr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the room eating the cake.)

EALINE: Mr. Peterman, I, uh...

PETERMAN: Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you?

ELAINE: Um...as far as I know.

PETERMAN: Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?

ELAINE: Uh, I guess I hadn't--

PETERMAN: Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.

The End

S9E19 - The Maid

Broadcast date: April 30, 1998

Written by Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer

Story by Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer and Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Von Bargen .............. Kruger

Angela Featherstone ........... Cindy

Anthony Crivello ................. Maxwell

Markus Flanagan ................. Charles

Sam Whipple ........................ Phone Guy #1

Kyle Colerider-Krugh .......... Phone Guy #2

Steve Franken ...................... Brendan

Davenia McFadden .............. Coco

Damon Jones ........................ Watkins

Chip Chinery ........................ Co-Worker #1

Colin McClean ...................... Co-Worker #2

Anthony Mangano ............... Fireman

==================================================================

[INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY]

(George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.)

JERRY (to waitress): Cup of tea with lemon.

GEORGE: What happened to your voice?

JERRY: I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.

GEORGE: Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.

JERRY: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

GEORGE: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.

JERRY: You mean like...Liza!

GEORGE: But I was thinking...T-bone.

JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?

GEORGE: There's no G-bone.

JERRY: There's a g-spot.

GEORGE: That's a myth.

(George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin.)

JERRY: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.)

ELAINE: Why did they hire you for a rodeo?

JERRY: They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.

ELAINE: Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--

JERRY: Oh, I had that comin' to me.

ELAINE: You know, Kenny Rogers has a-

(Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen.)

ELAINE (whispering): Why did you get a maid?

JERRY: You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.

ELAINE: Where did you get her?

JERRY: I hired her from a service!

MAID: All done.

JERRY: Thank you. Nice job.

MAID: Is this mine?

JERRY: Yeah.

(The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?

JERRY: Notice what? She's not really even a maid.

ELAINE: Oh.

JERRY: She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.

ELAINE: Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.

JERRY: You have a girlfriend?

(Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.)

KRAMER: Jerry, where have you been?

JERRY: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?

KRAMER: Downtown.

ELAINE: Downtown New York?

KRAMER: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.

JERRY: It's like 10 minutes by subway.

KRAMER: I don't know.

(Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor.)

KRAMER: Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.

ELAINE: What? What is that?

JERRY: That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.

ELAINE: I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.

KRAMER: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.

ELAINE: At work?

KRAMER: No. At your apartment.

ELAINE: I don't have a fax machine.

JERRY: Here we go.

KRAMER: Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.

JERRY: And a dead bolt.

KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.

ELAINE: Then maybe you have a fax machine.

KRAMER: You just blew my mind.

[INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY]

(Everyone is gathered around a large conference table.)

KRUGER: Let's order lunch.

KRUGER: Mary, I will have a chef's salad.

MALE WORKER: Turkey sandwich.

GEORGE: T-bone steak.

KRUGER: For lunch?

GEORGE: Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--

WATKINS: That sounds good. I'll have one, too.

KRUGER: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?

WATKINS: I love 'em.

KRUGER: Well, then we should call you T-bone.

GEORGE: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.

KRUGER: T-bone!

ALL (chanting): T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone.)

ELAINE: Hello?

(A fax squeal.)

ELAINE: What?

(She checks her answering machine.)

MACHINE: You have 57 messages. Message one...

(Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message two...

(Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message three...

GEORGE: Hey, it's George. Listen, I-

(She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message four...

(Fax squeal.)

ELAINE Kramer!

(The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally caves and picks it up.)

EALINE: Hello?

(Another fax squeal.)

ELAINE: Aah!

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

JERRY: Well Cindy, the place looks great.

(She grabs her money off the counter.)

CINDY: Thanks Jerry, gotta run.

JERRY: Ok, I'll see ya.

(As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and watches, amused.)

CINDY: Hi, Elaine.

(Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.)

ELAINE: All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.

JERRY: Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?

ELAINE: You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.

JERRY: No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--

ELAINE: What? A health plan?

JERRY: I was going to say, "Being a good host."

ELAINE: Oh-ho-ho. Oh.

JERRY: But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.

ELAINE: So you consider this a relationship?

JERRY: Yes, I do.

ELAINE: Oh. Have you been out?

JERRY: Yes, we have.

ELAINE: Where did you go?

JERRY: The store.

ELAINE: Mm! To get what?

JERRY: Stuff.

ELAINE: Cleaning supplies?

JERRY: And gum.

ELAINE: Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.

JERRY: She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already.

(Kramer sits down on the couch.)

ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?

KRAMER: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.

ELAINE: Which ones?

KRAMER: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.

ELAINE: So this is never gonna stop?

KRAMER: Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?

ELAINE: You can pick 'em up right now.

(Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.)

KRAMER: Ah!

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.)

ELAINE (thinking): I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?

PHONE MAN: All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.

ELAINE: Ahem. 646? What is this?

PHONE MAN: That's your new area code.

ELAINE: I thought 646 was just for new numbers.

PHONE MAN: This is a new number.

ELAINE: No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.

PHONE MAN: Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

ELAINE: You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

PHONE MAN: I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

JERRY: Kramer, you're still on the phone?

(Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.)

KRAMER: Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?

JERRY: Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?

KRAMER (into phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.

(Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.)

JERRY: Madeline stays here.

(George enters.)

JERRY: Hey, T-bone!

GEORGE: No. No T-bone.

JERRY: No T-bone?

KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!

JERRY: No! There's no T-bone!

KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!

JERRY: Why no T-bone?

GEORGE: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!

(Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.)

KRAMER: Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?

(Kramer opens the door.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.

(Kramer leaves.)

GEORGE: Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?

KRAMER (from hallway): He's sleeping with his maid!

GEORGE: You're sleepin' with the maid?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?

JERRY: No.

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Elaine and a man are talking.)

MAN: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.

ELAINE: No, I'm not. Here you go.

MAN: 646?

ELAINE: It's a new area code.

MAN: What area? New Jersey?

ELAINE: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.

MAN: Do I have to dial a one first?

(Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.)

MAN: I'm really kinda seein' somebody.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well, so am I!

[INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY]

GEORGE: Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?

(George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.)

WATKINS: It's T-bone.

GEORGE: The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.

WATKINS: Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.

GEORGE: What? Now, you listen to me!

(Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door.)

KRUGER: Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?

WATKINS: All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.

GEORGE (sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.

(Watkins and George enter the conference room.)

GEORGE: Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-

KRUGER: Koko the monkey.

GEORGE: What?

ALL (chanting): Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.)

MAN: Thank you both for being here.

EALINE: Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?

MAN: She passed.

ELAINE: Oh, I'm so sorry.

MAN: Thank you.

ELAINE: A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

CINDY: I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.

(Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?

JERRY: Yeah. It's in your closet.

KRAMER: No, no, no. I looked.

JERRY: They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.

KRAMER: Thanks, buddy.

JERRY: Where you goin'?

KRAMER: Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?

JERRY: Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.

KRAMER: Oh.

(Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.)

CINDY: Hi, Kramer.

(She picks up her money from the counter.)

CINDY: Thanks, Jerry. Bye.

(She leaves.)

KRAMER: Well, what's the matter?

JERRY: What did I just pay for?

KRAMER: Uh-oh. You're a john.

[INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY]

JERRY: Koko?

(George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.)

GEORGE: Koko.

JERRY: Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.

GEORGE: Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?

JERRY: Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.

GEORGE: Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--

JERRY: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.

GEORGE: How much you pay this maid?

JERRY: 40.

GEORGE: 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.

JERRY: I don't know what this is.

(Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry.)

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.

(Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.)

JERRY: Ooh.

KRAMER: Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.

GEORGE: I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.

KRAMER: Well, now I can't see Jerry.

JERRY: I look about the same.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I was talking to him.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Never mind.

KRAMER: Come on. What'd he say?

GEORGE: Never mind.

KRAMER: Jerry, come on. What'd you say?

(Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back.)

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Come on. Where'd you go?

JERRY: Go back.

KRAMER: Eh! Come on. What did you say?

JERRY: I said, never mind.

KRAMER: Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.

JERRY: I hate the counter.

(Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: I hate the counter.

KRAMER: Who's that?

ELAINE (to Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.

JERRY: Oh, she didn't mind?

ELAINE: No. She died.

JERRY: Hey, that's great.

GEORGE: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?

JERRY: Elaine got a new number because she died.

KRAMER: Newman died?

ELAINE: What did he say?

JERRY: Some new kind of pie.

GEORGE: I'll try a piece.

KRAMER: All right, who's down there?

JERRY: Hey, there's a booth.

(They all get up to move.)

KRAMER: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, hi.

KRAMER: Did you hear about Newman?

ELAINE: What?

(Kramer whimpers.)

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters.)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah.

(He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00.")

JERRY: Double zero?

GEORGE: It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."

CINDY: Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.

GEORGE: Really? Coco?

CINDY: Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right.

(Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.)

GEORGE: You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.

JERRY: Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.

GEORGE: Say good-bye to Koko.

(George leaves as Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Good-bye, Koko.

KRAMER: Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.

JERRY: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!

(Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.)

CINDY: What was that?

JERRY: I didn't hear anything.

CINDY: All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?

JERRY: Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.

CINDY: No. My money.

JERRY: For what?

CINDY: For my maid services. You booked me for today.

JERRY: But you didn't really do any work.

CINDY: I made the bed.

JERRY: But you took a nap in it.

CINDY: So?

JERRY: I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.

CINDY: No. That was the maid.

JERRY: Well, who took the nap?

CINDY: The girlfriend.

JERRY: $40 seems kind of steep for a nap.

CINDY: So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?

JERRY: Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.

CINDY: You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.

JERRY: So is this a breakup/quitting?

CINDY: Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.

(Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.)

JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

PHONE MAN: Sign here.

ELAINE: Yes! 212.

(Elaine and the phone man.)

ELAINE: Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?

PHONE MAN: Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened.

(The phone man leaves and the phone rings.)

ELAINE: All right! I am back in the game.

(She picks up the phone.)

ELAINE: Hello?

BOY: Gammy!

ELAINE: No. You got the wrong number, kid.

BOY: Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?

ELAINE: Oh...nuts.

BOY: Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?

ELAINE: No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.)

JERRY: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?

ELAINE: Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?

JERRY: Miss.

ELAINE: He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.

JERRY: I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?

ELAINE: Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.

JERRY: Elaine...

(Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers.)

[JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH]

JERRY: Hello?

COMPUTER VOICE: You have a collect call from--

KRAMER: Hey, buddy, don't say no!

JERRY: I accept.

KRAMER: I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."

JERRY: Well, what happened?

(Elaine gets up and leaves.)

KRAMER: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.

JERRY: What's around you?

KRAMER: I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?

JERRY: Is it Famous Ray's?

KRAMER: No. It's Original Ray's.

JERRY: Famous Original Ray's?

KRAMER: It's just Original, Jerry!

JERRY: Well, what street are you on?

KRAMER: Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

JERRY: Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!

KRAMER: Aah!

(Jerry leaves.)

[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Jerry finds a man waiting by his car.)

MAN: You Steinfeld?

JERRY: Yeah.

MAN: My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.

JERRY: Cindy.

MAN: She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.

JERRY: You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.

MAN: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--

JERRY: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.

MAN: You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?

JERRY: What?

MAN: Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.

JERRY: I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.

MAN: Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's on the phone.)

ELAINE: Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.

(Bobby dials 911.)

BOBBY: 9-1-1.

[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on the sidewalk.)

JERRY: Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.

CINDY: What do you want?

JERRY: Here. I got your money.

CINDY: I don't want any money from you.

JERRY: Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.

(A police cruiser pulls up with lights on.)

POLICE: Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?

JERRY: Well, this is all very sophisticated.

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in.)

FIREMAN: All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it!

ELAINE: Aah!

[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls up. It's Maxwell.)

MAXWELL: Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here?

KRAMER: Uh, no.

MAXWELL: You know where you're going?

KRAMER: Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.

MAXWELL: Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?

KRAMER: Uh, no.

MAXWELL: You wanna make some?

KRAMER: Ok.

MAXWELL: Do you know how to use a mop wringer?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.

MAXWELL: Why don't you get in the car?

(Kramer hops in.)

KRAMER: Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.

(The two drive off.)

[INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT]

KRUGER: Hey, Koko, Who's this?

(Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee.)

GEORGE: This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.

KRUGER: So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people?

GEORGE: Yes?

KRUGER: Ok, good enough for me, Koko.

(George sits down.)

KRUGER: Ahem. Now, what's your name?

COCO: My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.

GEORGE: Coco?

KRUGER: We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.

GEORGE: Well, it was a hell of a ride.

KRUGER: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?

COCO: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--

GEORGE: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.

COCO: What did you say about my Gammy?

GEORGE: Forget Gammy.

KRUGER: Who's Gammy?

GEORGE: There's no Gammy.

KRUGER: Maybe there should be a Gammy.

GEORGE: Oh, no.

KRUGER: George.

ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!

GEORGE: Gammy's gettin' upset!

The End

S9E20 - The Puerto Rican Day

Broadcast date: May 7, 1998

Written by Alec Berg, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Gregg Kavet, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Andy Robin and Jeff Schaffer.

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mario Joyner ......................... Lamar

Dayton Callie ........................ Cabbie

James Karen .......................... Mr. Canterman

Helen Carey .......................... Mrs. Christine Nyhart

Yul Vasquez .......................... Bob

John Paragon ........................ Cedric

Jenica Bergere ....................... Leslie

Monica Allison ...................... Gail

Marcelo Tubert ..................... Father

Armando Molina .................. Amigo

Tom Agna ............................. Gary

Tom Dahlgren ...................... Priest

Bert Rosario ......................... Man

Raoul N. Rizik ...................... Parade Goer

Scott Conte .......................... Sketch Guy

Mimi Cozzens ....................... Mrs. Canterman

Alison Martin ....................... Lucy

Marc Hirschfeld ................... Ellis

Chip Heller ........................... Policeman

==================================================================

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind the wheel.)

GEORGE: Man, I'm starving.

ELAINE: How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?

GEORGE: Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.

JERRY: Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.

KRAMER: You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

JERRY: I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.

GEORGE: Those nachos are killing me.

ELAINE: I thought you were hungry.

GEORGE: It's complicated.

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.

JERRY: Keep your shirt on. I got it.

ELAINE: Watch out for that maroon Golf.

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

JERRY: Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.

KRAMER: I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...

(Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon Golf honks the horn.)

JERRY: Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.

KRAMER: You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.

ELAINE: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

KRAMER: Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.

ELAINE: Oh, all right.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.)

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

GEORGE: So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. What's that called?

GEORGE: Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.

JERRY: How was it?

GEORGE: I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?

JERRY: Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.

GEORGE: Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"

JERRY: Heh.

GEORGE: The place went nuts.

JERRY: Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Why are we slowing down?

(Music plays in the background.)

JERRY: What is that music?

GEORGE: What's with all these flags?

JERRY: Oh, no.

ELAINE AND JERRY: It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!

ELAINE: Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home.

(Kramer stands up on the back seat.)

KRAMER: All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.

[STOCK FOOTAGE: Puerto Rican Day parade.]

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a black Saab.)

KRAMER: Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.

(There is a Puerto Rican family in the car.)

PUERTO RICAN MAN: Well, it is our day.

KRAMER: Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.

(Kramer hops out.)

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. They are listening to the radio.)

RADIO: And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.

JERRY: See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.

GEORGE: I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.

ELAINE: I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.

JERRY: I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.

KRAMER: All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.

JERRY: But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?

GEORGE: Just inch over. You worm your way.

ELAINE: Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.

KRAMER: You know, you should make yourself throw up.

ELAINE: Huh?

KRAMER: You know you're going to.

JERRY: All right, I'm worming.

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.

JERRY: They're not letting me in.

GEORGE: My hand is out.

JERRY: Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.

ELAINE: You sure you want his face?

KRAMER: No, no, no. It was María Conchita Alonso.

GEORGE: This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.

JERRY: The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.

GEORGE: Look at me! I am man! I am you!

(The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing the words, "Hi, can we go in?")

GEORGE: All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.

KRAMER: Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

JERRY: One more lane to go.

GEORGE: All right! We're here!

(Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his maroon Golf cut him off.)

LAMAR: Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.

JERRY: Maroon Golf.

LAMAR: Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.

JERRY: Could you move your car back a little?

LAMAR: Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.

ELAINE: All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.

(Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the dashboard. She gets out.)

JERRY: You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.

ELAINE: I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.

KRAMER: Con dios? Well, that's rude.

JERRY: Can you believe her?

GEORGE: Yeah. I'll see you later.

JERRY: Where are you going?

GEORGE: The movies. Blimp is playing right there.

JERRY: You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?

GEORGE: It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.

JERRY: That's not what I do.

GEORGE: Isn't it?

JERRY: Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.

(George leaves.)

KRAMER: You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.

[STOCK FOOTAGE: Taxis stuck in traffic].

[INT. TAXI CAB - DAY]

(Elaine sits in the back.)

ELAINE: Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?

(She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window.

ELAINE (yelling): Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

(She leans back.)

ELAINE: Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.

CAB DRIVER: No, you can't.

ELAINE: Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.

(She pays her fare and gets out.)

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS]

(She starts to walk. The cab starts to move.)

ELAINE: Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!

(The cab stops and she gets back in.)

[INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS]

CAB DRIVER: Where to?

ELAINE: That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again.

(She pays and gets out again.)

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS]

(Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out.)

ELAINE: Hey. Taxi! Taxi!

(She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.)

[INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY]

(George sits down next to two attractive women.)

GEORGE: Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.

LADY 1: What is that dot?

LADY 2: Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.

(A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.)

[INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY]

(The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles and RC Cola.)

LASER GUY: Gimme a box of those and one of those.

GEORGE: Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?

LASER GUY: The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

GEORGE: Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.

LASER GUY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.)

RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom of the ninth.

JERRY: I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.

LAMAR: This traffic's a killer, ain't it?

KRAMER: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.

JERRY: Walk away?

KRAMER: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.

JERRY: Isn't there a deductible?

KRAMER: All right, what is your deductible?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Yes, because they've already deducted it.

JERRY: From what?

KRAMER: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

JERRY: We're not leaving the car!

KRAMER: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

JERRY: Absolutely not. He sped up.

RADIO: Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.

JERRY: I'm ready to talk.

[INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY]

(George and the ladies are sitting in their seats.)

LADY 1: Hey! There's that laser guy again.

LADY 2: He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.

LADY 1: I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.

LADY 2: Mmm, yeah.

(There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the screen and everyone laughs.)

GEORGE: That's gotta hurt!

(Everyone stops laughing.)

GEORGE: It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!

(George stands up.)

GEORGE: Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!

(The laser guy points the laser at George's head.)

LADY 1: Look! It's on the bald guy.

LADY 2: I am so glad we came to this showing.

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer walks to Jerry.)

KRAMER: Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.

JERRY: What's that?

KRAMER: You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.

JERRY: Ok!

(Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" wave.)

LAMAR: Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.

KRAMER: Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.

(Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back seat.)

GEORGE: All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.

JERRY: What's that on your forehead?

GEORGE: It's probably chocolate.

JERRY: Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!

GEORGE: All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!

JERRY: See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.

LAMAR: What was that?

JERRY: I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!

(As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.)

JERRY: Elaine?!

ELAINE: Jerry?!

LAMAR: Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(The apartment is empty.)

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.)

JERRY: So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?

PUERTO RICAN MAN: Buenos dias, my friend.

JERRY: Not you! The guy in the Amigo.

[INT. TAXI CAB - DAY]

(Elaine sits frustrated in the cab.)

ELAINE: Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college!

ELAINE: Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship.

(She pays the driver and gets out.)

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Elaine walks up to Jerry.)

ELAINE: Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?

JERRY: Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!

LAMAR: So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.

ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.

JERRY: Elaine, he doesn't need-

LAMAR: Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.

JERRY: 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.

(Kramer and George walk along eating churros.)

KRAMER: Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?

GEORGE: Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.

ELAINE: All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya.

(Elaine leaves.)

GEORGE: This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.

KRAMER: You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.

(Kramer leaves.)

JERRY: Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.

GEORGE: Oh, my god.

JERRY: Hey, there's the soda guy.

LAMAR: Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!

JERRY (exasperated): All right!

(George stands petrified.)

[EXT. BARRICADE - DAY]

(A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.)

OLDER MAN: Hey, hey, hey!

OLDER WOMAN: Wha--ow!

ELAINE: Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!

OLDER MAN: Well, none of us can! We're trapped!

OLDER WOMAN: Ow!

ELAINE: Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.

(Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.)

OLDER MAN: Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

ELAINE: Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!

OLDER WOMAN: Father?

PRIEST: None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, all right, all right!

(People start going under the bleachers.)

ELAINE: All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

BUSINESS MAN: But it's dark!

ELAINE: Get in there!

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads apartment for sale.)

[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's Kramer.)

KRAMER: Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.

SALES WOMAN: Yes! Come in, come in.

KRAMER: Ok.

SALES WOMAN: I'm Christine Nyhart.

KRAMER: Oh. Delicious to meet you.

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

SALES WOMAN: No.

KRAMER: How about a bathroom?

SALES WOMAN: It has 4.

KRAMER: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?

SALES WOMAN: Just down the hall.

KRAMER: Oh, thank you.

(He saunters to the bathroom.)

[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the bleachers landing on them.)

ELAINE: Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.

PREGNANT WOMAN: I'm not married.

ELAINE: Well, I, for one, really respect that.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, thank you.

ELAINE (whispering): Hey! Guess who's not married.

OLDER MAN: Is the boyfriend still in the picture?

ELAINE: Come on, father, you can make it.

PRIEST: No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.

ELAINE: No! I won't!

PRIEST: Leave me! you must.

ELAINE: All right. Take it easy.

ELAINE: All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.

PRIEST: I heard that!

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Jerry stands next to his car with a drink.)

LAMAR: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.

JERRY (sarcastically): Ho ho!

(George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.)

JERRY: What seems to be the problem, officer?

GEORGE: They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?

JERRY: At me?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Oh. It's back.

GEORGE: Bring it on, baby

JERRY: What if it gets in the side?

GEORGE: The side?

JERRY: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-

(George rips off his glasses.)

GEORGE: All right!

JERRY: Oh. It's in your eye now.

(George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto Rican flag draped around him.)

KRAMER: Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!

JERRY: Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!

KRAMER: Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.

JERRY: You were watchin'? Where?

[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV.)

JERRY: Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!

SALES WOMAN: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--

JERRY: Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?

SALES WOMAN: Well, it's--

JERRY: Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.

JERRY: Not Pennypacker!

SALES WOMAN: You know him?

JERRY: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view mirror.)

GEORGE: Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.

(George exits the car.)

[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.)

ELAINE: We should be able to get across right through here!

(She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.)

OLDER WOMAN: It's a dead end!

ELAINE: Oh, no! I thought--

BUSINESS MAN: You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die!

ELAINE: Get a hold of yourself!

(Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab each other and kiss.)

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, come on!

OLDER WOMAN Oooh!

ELAINE: Sorry. Somebody...help us!

[EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.)

MAN: !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!

ELAINE: We're down here! Help!

MAN: There's people down there! Hold on!

(They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.)

ELAINE: Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Don't judge me!

ELAINE: Help us up so we can cross the street?

POLICE OFFICER: Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.

ELAINE: But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.

POLICE OFFICER: Hey, what can I tell ya?

(They close the floor boards.)

[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

BUSINESS MAN: Wanna make out some more?

ELAINE: Oh, god! Let us out!

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over his hands.)

GEORGE: That wasn't a laser pen.

DELIVERY MAN: No. It's just a pen.

(The delivery man laughs.)

GEORGE: Oh, that's funny

DELIVERY MAN: No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.

[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.)

KRAMER: Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year.

(He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag.)

KRAMER: Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

(Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.)

KRAMER: See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?

(Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.)

KRAMER: Ooh! !Dios mio!

(He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.)

MAN: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!

BOB: Who! Who is burning the flag?!

KRAMER: Oh, no.

BOB: Him?!

CEDRIC: That's not very nice.

KRAMER: It was an accident.

BOB: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!

CEDRIC: Because it's Puerto Rican day.

BOB: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?

KRAMER: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!

(Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.)

[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(The sales woman lets George in.)

SALES WOMAN: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.

GEORGE: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?

SALES WOMAN: It's down the hall.

(George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.)

JERRY: Oh, hello...

GEORGE: Art.

JERRY: Mr. Vandelay, of course.

SALES WOMAN: You two know each other?

(Kramer bursts through the door.)

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker!

KRAMER: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen

KRAMER: Uh, Varnsen.

JERRY: Pennypacker.

KRAMER: Vandelay.

GEORGE: Pennypacker. Varnsen.

JERRY: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?

KRAMER: The factory?

JERRY: The Saab factory?

KRAMER: Jerry, that's in Sweden.

(George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time to see a mob attacking his car.)

JERRY: My car!

KRAMER: Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

GEORGE: Jerry, the Mets lost.

JERRY: I love a parade!

[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT]

(Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.)

GEORGE: How do you suppose they did that?

KRAMER: Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?

JERRY: Well, what about my car?

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

(Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn in her hair and her clothing stained.)

JERRY: Hey, there's Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Well, you look, uh...relaxed.

ELAINE: Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.

(Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf.)

LAMAR: Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!

(He drives off.)

JERRY: Well, at least he didn't-

LAMAR: Jackass!

(Jerry sets his car alarm.)

JERRY: Somebody remember where we parked.

KRAMER: This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.

(The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.)

The End

S9E21&22 - The Clip Show (a.k.a. The Chronicle)

Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Darin Henry

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

==================================================================

*Part 1 (only cut up for syndication)

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: (checking his watch) You know if we are gonna see this movie we gotta get moving.

(Kramer is seen exiting his Apartment through Jerry's open door)

ELAINE: Let's Roll (hand motions to hurry up)

(Kramer enters through the threshold)

KRAMER: Come on people, previews, Shnell! Shnell!

(Kramer, George and Elaine leave Jerry's and start down the hall; Jerry walking door the door putting on his coat, grabs the nob to leave then turns around and notices "us" the viewers)

JERRY: Oh, Hello. Nine years, seems like a long time doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us, it seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere...except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time. Anyway the point is over the last nine years...

GEORGE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry were gonna miss the movie.

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) I'm comin'!

KRAMER (from the hallway off camera) Previews Jerry!

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) Just go already! (back to the viewers) Over the last nine years we've had a lot experiences. And I'll tell ya, when you stop and add em all up. That's what you realize. Watch this.

ELAINE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry?!

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) SHUTUP!! (turn back toward the viewers and smilies and we break into clips)

*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later

*Part 2 (Only shown during syndication)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Wow Nine years, A hundred and eighty shows (turns and looks toward his kitchen) same twelve boxes of cereal, and millions and millions of dollars.

(kramer runs into the locked door)

KRAMER: Jerry you in there?

JERRY: (toward the door) Busy (toward the viewers) We've made a lot of friends, shared a lot of laughs, often at the expense of others, and slept with.. well who's counting?

KRAMER: (trying to get in again) Ah man why's the door locked.

JERRY: I'm coming. Anyway watch this.

(Jerry opens the door and Kramer falls)

KRAMER: (getting back up) Jeez, (looking around) who you talking to?

JERRY: (walking out the door) No one.

KRAMER: (starts his way out closing the door; notices the viewers) Oh, Hello.

JERRY: (from the hallway off camera) KRAMER!

(Kramer smilies as he exits; Clips begin)

*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later

S9E23 - The Finale (1)

Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi

David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist

Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox

David Dunard ...................... Guard

Donna Evans ........................ Woman

Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff

Warren Frost ........................ Mr. (Henry) Ross

Keith Hernandez .................. Himself

Scott Jaeck ............................ Officer Vogel

Wendle Josepher .................. Susie

Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei

Scott Klace ........................... Guard

Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman

Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake

Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak

James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson

John Pinette ......................... Howie

Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler

James Rebhorn .................... D.A. Hoyt

Peter Riegert ....................... Kimbrough

Geraldo Rivera .................... Himself

McNally Sagal ...................... Carol

Gay Thomas ........................ O'Neal

Myra Turley ........................ Foreman

Jane Wells ............................ Herself

Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross

Van Epperson ...................... Passerby

Jeff Johnson ......................... Criminal

Sean Moran ......................... Man

Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist

Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld

rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania

rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo

rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

rc: Danny Woodburn .......... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

S9E24 - The Finale (2)

Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Larry David

Directed by Andy Ackerman

The Cast

Regulars:

Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld

Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes

Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stanley Anderson ................ Judge Vandelay

Frances Bay ......................... Mrs. Choate

Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi

David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist

Tony Carlin .......................... Co-Worker

Maggie Egan ........................ Ticket Clerk

Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox

Melanie Chartoff .................. Robin

Brian Doyle-Murray ............. Mel Sanger

David Dunard ...................... Guard

Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff

Warren Frost ....................... Mr. (Henry) Ross

Brian George ....................... Babu Bhatt

Philip Baker Hall .................. Mr. Bookman

Teri Hatcher ........................ Sidra

John Hayman ...................... Bubble Boy

Keith Hernandez ................. Himself

Carlos Jacott ........................ Pool Guy

Scott Jaeck ........................... Officer Vogel

Wendle Josepher ................. Susie

Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei

Scott Klace ........................... Guard

Jane Leeves ......................... Marla

Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman

Wendel Meldrum ................. Low-Talker

Sheree North ....................... Babs

Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake

Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak

James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson

John Pinette ......................... Howie

Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler

James Rebhorn ..................... D.A. Hoyt

Geraldo Rivera ..................... Himself

McNally Sagal ....................... Carol

Miguel Sandoval ................... Marcelino

Reni Santoni .......................... Poppie

Gay Thomas ......................... O'Neal

Larry Thomas ....................... Soup Nazi

Myra Turley ......................... Foreman

Jane Wells ............................. Herself

Grace Zabriskie .................... Mrs. Ross

Van Epperson ...................... Passerby

Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist

Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie

rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman

rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza

rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza

rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld

rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld

rc: Ian Abercrombie ............. Mr. Pitt

rc: Richard Fancy ................. Lippman

rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm

rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania

rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo

rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles

rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman

rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy

rc: Danny Woodburn ......... Mickey Abbott

=================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don'tyou come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.

[Jerry and George at Monks]

GEORGE: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"

JERRY: I know what you mean.

GEORGE: Do ya?

JERRY: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.

GEORGE: Same thing!

JERRY: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.

GEORGE: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?

WOMAN: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?

MAN: It's up to you.

WOMAN: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.

JERRY: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?

GEORGE: Nah - what for?

JERRY: To see a movie.

GEORGE: I've been to the movies.

JERRY: Not this movie.

GEORGE: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.

JERRY: Did you shower today?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.

GEORGE: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!

JERRY: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.

GEORGE: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.

WOMAN: All right, we're done. You can have it now.

GEORGE: Oh, very gracious.

[Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]

MAN: Nice day

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: What is that?

KRAMER: Hey! JoJo!

JERRY: Ey, ey!

ELAINE: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.

KRAMER: No, thank you. So what are you doing?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Come on, let's go to the beach.

GEORGE: What are you crazy?

KRAMER: What? It's a beautiful day.

JERRY: Have a good time.

KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.

JERRY: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?

KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air.

(Kramer drives off)

ELAINE: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.

JERRY: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?

ELAINE: What? No good?

JERRY: Faux pas.

ELAINE: Faux pas?

GEORGE: Big hefty stinking faux pas.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."

GEORGE: On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.

JERRY: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.

GEORGE: It's dismissive.

JERRY: It's pompous.

GEORGE: Why don't you think before you do something?

ELAINE: Here's a thought - Bye bye.

(Elaine leaves)

GEORGE: Too much?

[Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.

JERRY: Hey - hey - hey!

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.

GEORGE: You're so uptight.

JERRY: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.

[Jerry listens to his answering machine]

PHONE TAPE: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.

JERRY: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.

GEORGE: Who's he?

JERRY: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."

GEORGE: Our show, "Jerry"?

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: When?

JERRY: Today, like right now.

GEORGE: Right now? "Jerry"?

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

JERRY: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!

GEORGE: "Jerry"!

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: Can I go like this?

JERRY: Sure!

GEORGE: No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.

JERRY: Forget the sports jacket.

GEORGE: I won't feel like a writer.

JERRY: You're not a writer.

GEORGE: Right!

[Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]

GEORGE: Water. Need some water! Water here!

JERRY: Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.

GEORGE: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.

JERRY: Don't blow this.

GEORGE: I will not blow this.

JERRY: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.

GEORGE: It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.

JERRY: He might not want nothing.

GEORGE: Something, nothing, I could care less.

JERRY: He might want a show about anything and everything.

GEORGE: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!

JERRY: All right.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you

GEORGE: Magic time.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: nothing

[Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough.

STU: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey!

STU: How you been?

JERRY: Good, good. You remember George.

STU: George, good to see you.

GEORGE: Hello Stu.

STU: You remember Jay Crespi.

GEORGE: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?

STU: This is James Kimbrough.

KIMBROUGH: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.

GEORGE: Kimbrough.

JERRY: Don't spell.

GEORGE: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H

KIMBROUGH: That's right.

GEORGE: It's a talent I have.

KIMBROUGH: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.

GEORGE: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.

JERRY: Shut up, George.

KIMBROUGH: Can I get you anything?

GEORGE: What do we have in the fruit department?

JERRY: Oy.

STU: Pineapple.

GEORGE: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.

GEORGE: Been there, done that.

KIMBROUGH: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.

GEORGE: Water coolers?

CRESPI: We call it a water-cooler show.

JERRY: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?

GEORGE: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.

JERRY: Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."

GEORGE: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.

JERRY: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.

STU: I have always loved it.

KIMBROUGH: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.

CRESPI: He totally flipped out.

KIMBROUGH: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.

JERRY: He's a little off the wall.

CRESPI: Oh yeah.

STU: Kramer.

KIMBROUGH: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.

JERRY: Definitely.

GEORGE: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.

KIMBROUGH: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?

GEORGE: Or we could get them together. Woo!

[George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]

GEORGE: Yeah!

JERRY: Yeah!

[Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]

ELAINE: Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?

JERRY: Hi. Elaine, it's me.

ELAINE: Jerry, I'm on the other line.

JERRY: No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?

JERRY: The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!

ELAINE: That's the emergency?

JERRY: Did you hear what I said?

ELAINE: I was on the other line talking to Jill.

JERRY: Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?

ELAINE: You said it was an emergency.

JERRY: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.

[Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]

HELEN: Congratulations, they're doing the show.

MORTY: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.

HELEN: She's not six-six.

MORTY: Jerry, you ever watch that?

JERRY: Yeah, it's pretty good.

[George is telling his parents the news.]

ESTELLE: They picked up the show?

GEORGE: I'm moving to California.

FRANK: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.

ESTELLE: The NBC guy liked it?

GEORGE: Of course he liked it.

ESTELLE: He told you he liked it?

GEORGE: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

ESTELLE: Well, what are you doing?

GEORGE: I'm writing.

ESTELLE: You know how to write?

FRANK: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.

ESTELLE: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.

GEORGE: Ma?!

ESTELLE: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?

FRANK: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!

GEORGE: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.

ESTELLE: Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.)

JERRY: NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye.

KRAMER: Oh hey!

JERRY: Hey - how was the beach?

KRAMER: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas

JERRY: I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?

KRAMER: You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.

JERRY: So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!

KRAMER: You're moving to California?

JERRY: Yeah, only for a while.

KRAMER: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.

JERRY: No, I'll be back.

KRAMER: Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

JERRY: And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.

KRAMER: Fling!

[The group is sitting at their table at Monks]

ELAINE: So we can go anywhere we want?

JERRY: Anywhere.

ELAINE: Why are they doing this?

JERRY: I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.

ELAINE: This is all very exciting.

GEORGE: So? Where are we going?

KRAMER: I say Japan.

ELAINE: Why Japan?

KRAMER: Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.

ELAINE: Oh - I got it - how about Russia?

JERRY: Russia, it's so bleak.

ELAINE: It's not bleak - it's springtime.

JERRY: It's still bleak.

ELAINE: You can't be bleak in spring.

JERRY: You can be bleak in spring.

GEORGE: If you're bleak, you're bleak.

ELAINE: What about Switzerland?

KRAMER: Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?

GEORGE: It's a bit hilly - no?

ELAINE: You're not going to do any walking.

GEORGE: What if I want to walk around a little?

ELAINE: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.

GEORGE: What if I'm at the bottom?

ELAINE: All right! You know what, just forget it!

JERRY: Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?

ELAINE: I'll go to Paris.

GEORGE: Me too.

KRAMER: Oh yeah - oui oui.

JERRY: So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.

(they put theirs hands in the middle)

GROUP: Yeah!

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.

JERRY: Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.

ELAINE: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?

JERRY: First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?

ELAINE: All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.

(Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman. What gives?

NEWMAN: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?

JERRY: Yeah, that's right.

NEWMAN: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.

JERRY: Really.

NEWMAN: Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

JERRY: That's a shame.

NEWMAN: Take me! Take me!

JERRY: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!

NEWMAN: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.

[The group arrives by limo to the airport]

CAPTAIN: Ah, Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah.

CAPTAIN: I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?

JERRY: All set. We'll just grab the bags.

CAPTAIN: Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.

JERRY: Just keeps on getting better and better.

(Our heroes enter the plane)

JERRY: Not bad.

ELAINE: Wow!

KRAMER: The only way to fly.

GEORGE: This is it?

(After take-off, the group chit-chats)

GEORGE: I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.

JERRY: You're complaining about a private jet?

GEORGE: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?

JERRY: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.

GEORGE: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.

ELAINE: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.

GEORGE: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.

JERRY: You're not writing any letters!

ELAINE: Will you turn around?

GEORGE: Why?

ELAINE: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.

GEORGE: It's effeminate to sit like this?

ELAINE: Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.

GEORGE: How is this effeminate?

ELAINE: I don't know - it just is.

GEORGE: Kramer, what are you doing?

JERRY: Still got water in your ear?

KRAMER: Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

GEORGE: Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.

KRAMER: I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.

GEORGE: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.

GEORGE: Kramer!

CAPTAIN: Hey, get the hell out of here!

ELAINE: What is that?

GEORGE: Oh my God!

ELAINE: What is that noise? What is that noise?

JERRY: Kramer, what the hell did you do?

KRAMER: I lost my balance.

ELAINE: Oh my God!

ELAINE: What's going on?

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: It was an accident.

GEORGE: I told you to stop with the hopping.

ELAINE: Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!

GEORGE: Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.

JERRY: Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.

KRAMER: I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!

GEORGE: Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: There's something I have to tell you.

JERRY: What? What is it?

GEORGE: I cheated in the contest.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: The contest - I cheated.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

JERRY: Great - I won.

ELAINE: Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.

JERRY: Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.

ELAINE: No no - me first.

JERRY: Alright.

ELAINE: Jerry, I've always loved ..u..

GEORGE: Hey - What's going on?

KRAMER: We're straightening out!

ELAINE: We're straightening out?

JERRY: We're straightening out!

GEORGE: We're straightening out!

GROUP: Yeah!

[Outside the plane]

CAPTAIN: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.

JERRY: Where are we?

CAPTAIN: Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

JERRY: Okay.

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: We'll see you later.

[In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]

ELAINE: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?

JERRY: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.

GEORGE: I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.

GEORGE: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.

JERRY: Alright, I'll feel him out.

GEORGE: Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.

STRANGER: Nice day.

JERRY: Another one?

(A carjacking takes place in front of the group)

ROBBER: Alright fatso, out of the car.

KRAMER: I want to capture this.

ROBBER: Come on! Gimme your wallet.

VOGEL: Don't shoot.

JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!

GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.

ROBBER: I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.

JERRY: That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.

VOGEL: Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!

JERRY: Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.

KRAMER: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.

ELAINE: Forget it.

JERRY: No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.

OFFICER: All right, hold it right there.

KRAMER: What?

OFFICER: You're under arrest.

JERRY: Under arrest? What for?

OFFICER: Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.

ELAINE: What? No, no - we didn't do anything.

OFFICER: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.

GEORGE: I never heard of that.

OFFICER: It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.

[In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]

ELAINE: The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?

GEORGE: Why would we want to help somebody?

ELAINE: I know.

GEORGE: That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.

KRAMER: The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.

ELAINE: Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.

DEPUTY: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.

JERRY: Oh, yeah.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

DEPUTY: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.

GEORGE: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.

DEPUTY: Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.

DEPUTY: California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.

[Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]

CHILES: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.

(The phone rings)

SECRETARY: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

CHILES: You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.

[Hoyt's Office]

HOYT: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? (Sets down the newspaper) Uh hmm. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.

[The four are in prison, having a meal]

KRAMER: Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?

GEORGE: Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.

ELAINE: I guess we could've called for help.

JERRY: But then we would have missed the whole thing.

KRAMER: I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's right.

JERRY: I forgot about the video.

ELAINE: Sure - the video.

(Jerry's beeper starts beeping)

ELAINE: What is that?

JERRY: Plane's ready.

[Rivera Live news show]

RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-

WELLS: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.

RIVERA: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?

WELLS: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.

RIVERA: And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?

WELLS: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."

RIVERA: Anything else, Jane?

WELLS: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.

RIVERA: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.

[Jerry's parents are packing]

HELEN: I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.

MORTY: What's all that?

HELEN: Cereal.

MORTY: You're packing cereal?

HELEN: I'm bringing it for Jerry.

MORTY: You got enough here for a life sentence.

HELEN: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.

MORTY: So bring a snack-pack.

[George's parents are packing]

ESTELLE: Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.

FRANK: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.

ESTELLE: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.

FRANK: You were the one who smothered him.

ESTELLE: I did not smother him.

FRANK: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!

ESTELLE: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.

FRANK: I had to make a living!

[Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George Steinbrenner.]

[The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.]

KRAMER: This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.

JERRY: You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.

KRAMER: I bet.

JERRY: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

(Enter Jackie Chiles)

CHILES: Good morning.

ELAINE: Good morning, Jackie.

JERRY: Good morning.

CHILES: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?

GEORGE: It makes me look older.

CHILES: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.

(Jerry laughs)

CHILES: Do you think it's funny?

JERRY: No.

CHILES: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.

ELAINE: How do I look, Jackie?

CHILES: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.

ELAINE: Thank you, Jackie.

KRAMER: How bout me, Jackie?

CHILES: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.

(Jackie hands Jerry a tie)

CHILES: Here.

JERRY: This one?

CHILES: That's right.

JERRY: Do I have to?

ELAINE: Jackie says put it on, Jerry.

[Court is starting]

BAILIFF: All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.

GEORGE: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?

CHILES: Vanda who?

GEORGE: Jerry, did you hear that?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: I think that's a good sign.

VANDELAY: Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?

HOYT: We are, Your Honor.

VANDELAY: Mr. Hoyt.

HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.

(Newman shown eating popcorn)

VANDELAY: Mr. Chiles.

CHILES: I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.

VANDELAY: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?

HOYT: We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Matt Vogel.

HOYT: So they were just standing there?

VOGEL: Yes.

HOYT: Did one of them have a video camera?

VOGEL: Yes.

HOYT: Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.

VANDELAY: Proceed.

[The tape plays]

VOGEL: Don't shoot.

JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!

GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.

[New Witness: the victim of the robbery]

HOYT: So they just stood there and did nothing?

VOGEL: Yeah, nothing. Nothing!

HOYT: No further questions.

(Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi)

GEORGE: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!

HOYT: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Mabel Choate.

CHILES: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.

HOYT: Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.

VANDELAY: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness.

HOYT: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.

CHOATE: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.

HOYT: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.

HOYT: What did he want?

CHOATE: My marble rye.

HOYT: Your marble rye?

CHOATE: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.

HOYT: And then you left the bakery.

CHOATE: That's right.

HOYT: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?

CHOATE: Oh no.

[Flash-back from past episode, "The Rye"]

JERRY: Gimme that rye.

CHOATE: Stop it.

JERRY: I want that rye lady.

CHOATE: Help - someone help.

JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!

[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: No further questions.

HOYT: I call Marla Penny to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Marla Penny.

JERRY: The virgin!

HOYT: And what was your connection to the defendants?

PENNY: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.

HOYT: Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.

PENNY: It's rather difficult to talk about.

HOYT: It's alright. Take your time.

PENNY: Well, I became aware of a -

HOYT: A what?

PENNY: A, uh -

HOYT: Yes?

PENNY: A contest.

HOYT: Contest?

PENNY: Yes.

HOYT: What was the nature of the contest?

PENNY: Oh please, I can't.

HOYT: It's okay.

PENNY: The four of them made a wager to see if they could -

HOYT: Yes?

PENNY: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.

PETERMAN: For the love of God!

PENNY: It was horrible, horrible!

HOYT: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.

JERRY: Who the hell is that?

MR. SANGER: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.

GEORGE: The Bubble Boy!

CHILES: Bubble Boy?

JERRY: That's right, the Bubble Boy.

CHILES: What's a Bubble Boy?

JERRY: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.

BUBBLE BOY: What the hell are all you looking at?

HOYT: So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.

BUBBLE BOY: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

[Flash-back from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]

GEORGE: Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?

BUBBLE BOY: That's a joke - the Moors.

GEORGE: Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.

GEORGE: Sorry, the card says Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.

GEORGE: It's Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moors!

GEORGE: Moops!

GEORGE: Help! Someone!

BUBBLE BOY: There's no Moops, you idiot.

SUSAN: Stop it! Let go of him!

MRS. SANGER: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.

[Back to the court]

GEORGE: It was Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moors.

[New Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]

HOYT: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?

LADY: That's right.

HOYT: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?

LADY: That's right.

[Flash-back showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]

[New Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]

HOYT: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?

WILCOX: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.

HOYT: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?

WILCOX: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.

MR. ROSS: Murderer!

MRS. ROSS: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!

VANDELAY: Order in this court!

HOYT: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.

CHILES: Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?

HOYT: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?

SIDRA: Yes.

HOYT: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?

SIDRA: Yes, that's true.

HOYT: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.

SIDRA: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.

[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Implant"]

SIDRA: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.

ELAINE: Oh, hi, I'm Elaine.

[Back in the courtroom]

HOYT: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?

SIDRA: Yes.

HOYT: Why would she do something like that?

SIDRA: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.

[New Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]

HOYT: State your name.

BOOKMAN: Bookman, Joe Bookman.

HOYT: And what's your occupation?

BOOKMAN: I'm a library cop.

HOYT: What does a library cop do?

BOOKMAN: We chase down library delinquents.

HOYT: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?

BOOKMAN: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.

HOYT: How long was his book overdue?

BOOKMAN: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.

HOYT: What do you call them?

BOOKMAN: Criminals.

[New Witness: George's old girlfriend]

HOYT: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.

WOMAN: Yes.

HOYT: And then what happened?

WOMAN: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -

[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Fire"]

GEORGE: Fire! Get out of the way!

[New Witness: parking lot security guard]

GUARD: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.

[Flash-back from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]

JERRY: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.

GUARD: I don't know.

JERRY: Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.

[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!

CHILES: Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.

VANDELAY: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.

[New Witness: Police Detective]

HOYT: Alright, Detective, then what happened?

DETECTIVE: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.

[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Wig Master"]

PROSTITUTE: You just cost me some money.

KRAMER: Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

POLICE: Police officers - freeze right there!

[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.

(Detective shacks his head "yes")

[Witness: the low-talker from "The Puffy Shirt"]

HOYT: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?

LOW-TALKER: (Mumbles)

HOYT: Excuse me?

CHILES: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.

[New Witness: George Steinbrenner]

HOYT: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call George Steinbrenner.

HOYT: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?

STEINBRENNER: Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?

GEORGE: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.

STEINBRENNER: He had one little problem though.

HOYT: What was that?

STEINBRENNER: He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.

FRANK: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!

VANDELAY: Order!

[New Witness: Marcellino from "The Little Jerry"]

HOYT: Cock fighting?

MARCELLINO: Cock fighting.

[New Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]

PHARMACIST: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.

[New Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend from work]

MAN: She exposed her nipple.

[New Witness: Mr. Pitt]

HOYT: How did she try to kill you?

PITT: She tried to smother me with a pillow.

HOYT: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Yev Kassem.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!

CHILES: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.

HOYT: State your name.

SOUP NAZI: Yev Kassem.

HOYT: Could you spell that?

SOUP NAZI: No! Next question.

HOYT: How do you know the defendants?

SOUP NAZI: They used to come to my restaurant.

[Flash-Back to "The Soup Nazi" Episode]

GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.

JERRY: Medium crab bisque.

GEORGE: I didn't get any bread.

JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.

GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

SOUP NAZI: You want bread?

GEORGE: Yes, please.

SOUP NAZI: Three dollars!

GEORGE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!

[Back in the courtroom]

SOUP NAZI: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back.

[Flash-Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]

ELAINE: Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.

SOUP NAZI: That's my recipe for wild mushroom.

ELAINE: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!

[Back in the courtroom]

SOUP NAZI: She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!

ELAINE: Soup's not all that good anyway.

SOUP NAZI: What did you say?!

HOYT: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.

JERRY: How did they find Babu?

ELAINE: I thought he was deported.

HOYT: You came a long way to be here today, haven't you?

BABU Yes, all the way from Pakistan.

HOYT: And what's your connection to the defendant?

BABU I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.

HOYT: And then what happened?

BABU Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad!

[Rivera Live]

RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -

WELLS: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.

RIVERA: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.

WELLS: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.

RIVERA: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?

WELLS: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.

RIVERA: And so we wait.

[The group, waiting for the jury to decide]

JERRY: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?

ELAINE: I think so.

JERRY: It's not that bright orange one is it?

ELAINE: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.

KRAMER: Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?

[George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]

ESTELLE: Sorry to bother you, Judge.

VANDELAY: How did you get in here?

ESTELLE: Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.

VANDELAY: This is highly irregular.

ESTELLE: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.

VANDELAY: What do you mean?

ESTELLE: You know

[Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun]

[Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]

SIDRA: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.

CHILES: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.

(Phone rings)

CHILES: Hello? Damn. They're ready.

[Back in the courtroom]

JERRY: Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?

ELAINE: I've always loved ... United Airlines.

(Jury reenters the courtroom)

KRAMER: I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.

JERRY: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.

BAILIFF: All rise.

VANDELAY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

FOREMAN: We have, Your Honor.

VANDELAY: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?

FOREMAN: We find the defendants - guilty.

VANDELAY: Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.

(Exit Judge Vandelay)

GEORGE: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.

ELAINE: Puddy, don't wait for me.

PUDDY: Alright.

FRANK: We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.

SIDRA: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.

JERRY: What?

CHILES: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

[The group, walking back to the holding cell]

JERRY: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back

KRAMER: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.

ELAINE: Why don't you just blow it out your a...

(They enter the cell)

ELAINE: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.

JERRY: I think that would be a very nice gesture.

KRAMER: I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.

JERRY: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.

GEORGE: Haven't we had this conversation before?

JERRY: You think?

GEORGE: I think we have.

JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have.

[Epilogue, on stage in the prison]

JERRY: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?

PRISONER 1: I am.

JERRY: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?

PRISONER 2: Murder one.

JERRY: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?

PRISONER 3: Grand theft auto.

JERRY: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.

PRISONER 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.

JERRY: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.

GUARD: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.

JERRY: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.

The End